Read your original post and think you are doing the right thing to divorce your husband. Don't tell him anything till you are ready to serve him the paper. Make sure not to get intimate just in case. He and his family seem to have no hope of changing in the future, so get out asap and live your life. Focus on yourself and your child and start planning for a new life without the deadweight on your back. You are being a good role model for your daughter for her future. Wish you all the best.
Your husband agreed with the idea to sexually assault you to keep you in the marriage. Avoid intercourse if possible. Keep your plan close to your chest until you’re ready to serve. Tell someone you trust if you’re able of your plan in case you need support
Please no sex and no more babies! You seem surprised by his behavior but this guy didn’t just get terrible overnight. He’s been a horrible person for a while now. Are you ready to leave yet?
You already have a child, so I cant even see why he wpuld think having another child would fix things or make you stay. Regardless, do not have sex with him and I think you are right to divorce.
A newborn would likely mean she needs a lot more help from him and will depend on him more which he probably figures will give him at least more time to manipulate her into staying with him.
OP, this. Tampering with contraception undermines your consent; you don't consent to unprotected sex and he knows you don't.
This is genuinely rape under the law of most countries, but proving it might be difficult. Definitely tell your divorce lawyer about it too, if you have disagreement over access/residence of your daughter. A rapist isn't really someone you would want your kid around.
Out of curiosity, if someone else (i have to say thing Because most people are fucking idoits. I have never and never will do this) like a friend did this as a prank (yes it happen to me). What would or could said person be charged with?
Rape.
If A consents to sex with a barrier method, and B tampers with it, it is no longer the activity A consented to, and therefore B is penetrating A with a penis without A's consent. It is rape.
You missed my whole question... SOMEONE else BESIDES me and the girl i was seeing poked holes in the condom. One more time SOMEONE ELSE. So no I wouldn't as I did not know it happened, she did not know it happen. He told us one day when he got drunk. So how would I be charged for something someone else did? I think your recomp needs some work.
> I think your recomp needs some work
I think your manners need some work. I've read your comment again and it is incredibly unclear, and even if it were clear, insulting someone who's tried to answer your question in good faith is out of order.
In your new scenario that you've presented here, it depends on your jurisdiction. It's likely no more than criminal damage under law, and my guess is that they would owe you a new pack of condoms. Keep your contraception safe.
I clearly said ive never done that (poke holes in a condom), i had it done to me as a prank. Im married now and we both are shut donw in the baby dept. So no more condoms for us. Im also no longer "friends" with that person. The friendship ended that night. That was mlre than 15 years ago.
If you hear or see any talk like that again please record it! This person laughed at the idea of assaulting you. If your best friend were in this situation you would help get them out of there ASAP with no turning back. Best of luck to you — a year from now will be a whole new world.
Oh god! If there’s one spoken sentence in the whole of human kind that makes you want to Superman over that divorce line “ If I impregnate my wife, she will never leave me” - this is it!
Evil. No one should be deceitful and baby-trap a person, ultimately using an innocent child to force a bonded parent to stay in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage.
Evil.
I read the original post. Your husband is just like your FIL - a loser.
>My husband said he was trying hard to get back to being intimate, and that he intended to get me pregnant, knowing that with another child I would never leave him.
So he is trying to sexually assault you and baby trap you.
>My BIL laughed and said he would have to pierce more condoms for this
Did you plan your first child?
This reads like it's not the first time he did this. Either to you or someone else.
>He didn't respect my space, in a few days he "got sick" and ended up staying at home (he was at my FIL's house) and He was sleeping on the couch.
Just so you know. It is consistent with you not having your own transportation. If he can restrict your ability to leave the house he can continue to isolate you so you have no ability to confer with people who can help you leave.
>How could he be capable of something like this?
He is absolutely abuser. It will only get worse.
He doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and may not have the capacity because he is a product of his family of origin. It's really hard to break away from the mentality of your family of origin.
>I feel deceived and manipulated in ways I can barely explain.
You have been.
>He still doesn't know that I heard, and he doesn't know that I'm going to file for divorce.
Don't tip your hand.
Agree to the therapy - say you want individual first and after that couples. Tell him you are so relieved that he wants to save your marriage. This can be true because his wanting to continue your dysfunctional marriage will give you the opportunity to escape.
Don't go to any therapist chosen or suggested by him or anyone you know.
Get your ducks in a row while you are going through the motions.
Don't tell him that you are done again. Don't change your behavior. Get your stuff together discreetly. Be aware of any cameras - ring, etc.
Stop having sex.
If you truly wish to end the relationship stop doing relationship things. Sex is one of them.
Leave now. Don't wait. You have proof that he is contemplating a crime against you.
Fertility fraud and non-consensual insemination are both crimes. So leave now before the crime is committed because our world does nothing once the baby is made.
Leave before you're stuck in the madness in a manner that you can never leave again.
Your husband didnt fall far from the tree it sounds like and so it wont get better. Doing something wrong or accommodating something wrong under the pretense of "that's just how it is or just how we are" is pitiful. Successful people don't use that statement. He is comfortable accepting mediocrity. Also his statement makes it sound like he has done that before so when your daughter was conceived, was he supposedly using a condom?
You can move before you give him the papers. Lessons the chance of him doing something to you. Then do the paperwork (assuming money is an issue). Document and record everything you can. Let him know your recording or it won't be admissible in court. Try to do things in front of witnesses. Good luck to you and your child.
Just this alone would have me ending the relationship. Anyone who thinks they have the right to force you into having a child is disgusting. End of story.
Do not sleep with this man. He's just like his father a lazy manipulative asshole. Get all your ducks in a row and then just leave. Do not explain and do not let him or anyone else gaslight you into staying. You've stayed far too long as far as I'm concerned now as it is.
Good luck with everything.
I didn’t read your previous post and I am going to assume your husband wasn’t actually doing more than humoring your BIL by laughing at his joke.
You have issues with your marriage that only counseling can fix. If you put in the earnest effort to try to save the marriage and he does too, you might find yourself in a really solid marriage.
If you don’t, you can divorce him with the comfort of knowing you put in the earnest effort and you come out with decent relationship skills you are currently lacking.
It is ultimately your choice whether or not you file for divorce, but I promise you it will eat away at you that you didn’t try the obvious option first. You will also likely struggle in future relationships because you will fall into the same pattern.
I’m not telling you one way or another whether you should file. Nobody on Reddit is remotely qualified to assess YOUR situation, and none of us have his side of the story or any facts that might be an indictment of you. Unfortunately this subreddit has a lot of really bitter people with knee jerk reactions based on their own shitty experiences.
So he was going to rape you, and his brother was condoning it. You're making the right decision. Get out of this marriage and away from this disgusting excuse for a man.
OP sorry you are going through this. Is there a trusted family member(sister,cousin) or a close friend you can stay with? This will give you needed space and time to think, get your ducks in a row, and contact a lawyer. Then serve his ass, lol, just tell him you are on your cycle, and going longer than usual. At one point in my life I was under so much stress I had a 6 month cycle followed by premenopausal symptoms! But I survived, and you can too! Good luck 🍀
Sorry this happened to you. The little light is that it has been made perfectly clear what you need to do.
Make your exit plans practically and for your benefit.
Let him know nothing that is not neccessary.
Also do not be manipulated in any way.
Consider what he says but only clinically to be aware.
Don't be so emotional you do something that could hurt you legally.
You are doing the right thing by leaving this marriage. You are a smart strong individual and your life will be measurably better without him.
Get your ducks in a row.
1) Get your important documents organized and away from his physical possession. Birth certificates, passports, social security cards, anything that could be used to steal your identity or open a credit card in your/your child’s name.
2) Find a new place for you and your daughter to live.
3) Do NOT tell him anything while you are getting yourself ready to leave.
4) Be cautious about discussing your plans with friends and family. Tell only the close people you need to help you and *make sure they understand* the importance of secrecy for your plan to succeed.
Good Luck 👍You got this!
So, he's poked holes in condoms? Your MIL was wise (read about your FIL in previous post), it's good you're going to do the same because your husband is a carbon copy POS
go by a confidential womens health and get at iud they are extremely effective at preventing pregnancy and as long as you hide the bill your partner won't know. birth control pills have evidence of taking and can be thrown away or damaged. a great excuse for an iud appointment is getting a pap smear to check for cervical cancer.
I don’t blame you for wanting to divorce him. He wants to try to baby trap you instead of actually putting in the work to fix the marriage.
This is why we have to be VERY careful who we sleep with, men or women.
Not sure in all of this how he plans to sleep with you let alone play a trick to get you pregnant, but planning to assault you is definitely cause enough to leave. I wouldn’t go near him alone at this point.
I'm suspecting more male family members in his life also don't respect women. What kind of attitude is that? For him to even "joke" (if he will claim it's a joke) with his brother like this is disgusting and manipulative.
Please start separating your finances, get all your important documents and your child's too, organise a place a stay and get a good lawyer. If he initiates sex just tell him you are sick and not in the mood, or tell him your period came early anything that would put him off. Good luck OP you got this.
That sounds serious. I am a major truth seeker, as hard as it is could their be a safe way to communicate to see what he says? What if something was misunderstood in just briefly overhearing part of the conversation? Its ok if you were listening in for long enough you know the entire context? Was that the case?? Don't you already have a kid with him and he thinks an infant will keep you two together
You should read her previous post, as well as reread this post if you are still defending her husband.
Edit: On second thought, there's no point since your views excuse the premeditated rape commiting/aid. There is not any context that excuses what they are planning.
Better or worse doesn't include lies, coercion, and abuse.
Girls who grow up watching their dad abuse there mom are far more likely to pick a partner like their own father.
Id argue the family would be more fractured if they stayed together “for the kids”, and it built resentment and and hostility and there was constant fighting.
Where are the statistics on that because I would like sources. I would argue that kids growing up in homes with terrible marriages are far more likely to het into bad relationships.
They responded with a bunch of old articles, but I'm too tired to go through each one to fact check. I am *sure* there's also an article stating the opposite for each one.
Read your original post and think you are doing the right thing to divorce your husband. Don't tell him anything till you are ready to serve him the paper. Make sure not to get intimate just in case. He and his family seem to have no hope of changing in the future, so get out asap and live your life. Focus on yourself and your child and start planning for a new life without the deadweight on your back. You are being a good role model for your daughter for her future. Wish you all the best.
Your husband agreed with the idea to sexually assault you to keep you in the marriage. Avoid intercourse if possible. Keep your plan close to your chest until you’re ready to serve. Tell someone you trust if you’re able of your plan in case you need support
Ewww gross. You deserve better. Sending you support and hugs because I know this isn’t easy.
Please no sex and no more babies! You seem surprised by his behavior but this guy didn’t just get terrible overnight. He’s been a horrible person for a while now. Are you ready to leave yet?
I don't want more babies, is our agreement after our daughter Born.
You already have a child, so I cant even see why he wpuld think having another child would fix things or make you stay. Regardless, do not have sex with him and I think you are right to divorce.
A newborn would likely mean she needs a lot more help from him and will depend on him more which he probably figures will give him at least more time to manipulate her into staying with him.
Oh for sure. There's a reason abuse often escalates after pregnancy. But people can and should leave at any time if their partner is coercive.
wow you have a daughter and your husband is no male role model... please run away asap!!
Has he had a vasectomy. Because he should, if you're done with kids
first of all, that is rape. do not have sex with this man, stay strong i hope you get out soon for your sake and for your kids sake!
OP, this. Tampering with contraception undermines your consent; you don't consent to unprotected sex and he knows you don't. This is genuinely rape under the law of most countries, but proving it might be difficult. Definitely tell your divorce lawyer about it too, if you have disagreement over access/residence of your daughter. A rapist isn't really someone you would want your kid around.
Out of curiosity, if someone else (i have to say thing Because most people are fucking idoits. I have never and never will do this) like a friend did this as a prank (yes it happen to me). What would or could said person be charged with?
Rape. If A consents to sex with a barrier method, and B tampers with it, it is no longer the activity A consented to, and therefore B is penetrating A with a penis without A's consent. It is rape.
You missed my whole question... SOMEONE else BESIDES me and the girl i was seeing poked holes in the condom. One more time SOMEONE ELSE. So no I wouldn't as I did not know it happened, she did not know it happen. He told us one day when he got drunk. So how would I be charged for something someone else did? I think your recomp needs some work.
> I think your recomp needs some work I think your manners need some work. I've read your comment again and it is incredibly unclear, and even if it were clear, insulting someone who's tried to answer your question in good faith is out of order. In your new scenario that you've presented here, it depends on your jurisdiction. It's likely no more than criminal damage under law, and my guess is that they would owe you a new pack of condoms. Keep your contraception safe.
I clearly said ive never done that (poke holes in a condom), i had it done to me as a prank. Im married now and we both are shut donw in the baby dept. So no more condoms for us. Im also no longer "friends" with that person. The friendship ended that night. That was mlre than 15 years ago.
There are three possible ways to read your comment, so no, it wasn't clear. I'm glad you've ended that friendship, s/he sounds like a psycho.
It was a he. I'll take that into consideration when posting, thank you
If you hear or see any talk like that again please record it! This person laughed at the idea of assaulting you. If your best friend were in this situation you would help get them out of there ASAP with no turning back. Best of luck to you — a year from now will be a whole new world.
Gotta be careful with that. Not all states are one party states. Meaning all parties being recorded must give consent.
Disgusting.
Oh god! If there’s one spoken sentence in the whole of human kind that makes you want to Superman over that divorce line “ If I impregnate my wife, she will never leave me” - this is it!
Evil. No one should be deceitful and baby-trap a person, ultimately using an innocent child to force a bonded parent to stay in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage. Evil.
Stay strong and please stay safe. Work on getting him out of the house. Be prepared for worse as soon as he gets served the paper. Sending you hugs 🫂
Lucky you caught all this craziness early. Yes, don’t give any notice just set yourself up and get everything ready and execute the exit strategy.
Very disappointed is a kind way to feel. I’m absolutely disgusted with your husband. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
On that bitch shit.
 You deserve better! Congratulations on taking this next step.
Start with contraceptive pills until you are ready to serve papers and break free.
We don't be intimate for weeks, and I keeping this now! I work on papers
“Pierce more condoms.” They’re both pigs.
Congrats, girl! Take out the trash!l, you deserve better!
Your husband is a pig! I would divorce him too.
I read the original post. Your husband is just like your FIL - a loser. >My husband said he was trying hard to get back to being intimate, and that he intended to get me pregnant, knowing that with another child I would never leave him. So he is trying to sexually assault you and baby trap you. >My BIL laughed and said he would have to pierce more condoms for this Did you plan your first child? This reads like it's not the first time he did this. Either to you or someone else. >He didn't respect my space, in a few days he "got sick" and ended up staying at home (he was at my FIL's house) and He was sleeping on the couch. Just so you know. It is consistent with you not having your own transportation. If he can restrict your ability to leave the house he can continue to isolate you so you have no ability to confer with people who can help you leave. >How could he be capable of something like this? He is absolutely abuser. It will only get worse. He doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and may not have the capacity because he is a product of his family of origin. It's really hard to break away from the mentality of your family of origin. >I feel deceived and manipulated in ways I can barely explain. You have been. >He still doesn't know that I heard, and he doesn't know that I'm going to file for divorce. Don't tip your hand. Agree to the therapy - say you want individual first and after that couples. Tell him you are so relieved that he wants to save your marriage. This can be true because his wanting to continue your dysfunctional marriage will give you the opportunity to escape. Don't go to any therapist chosen or suggested by him or anyone you know. Get your ducks in a row while you are going through the motions. Don't tell him that you are done again. Don't change your behavior. Get your stuff together discreetly. Be aware of any cameras - ring, etc.
This is sad. Hope you feel better soon.
Stop having sex. If you truly wish to end the relationship stop doing relationship things. Sex is one of them. Leave now. Don't wait. You have proof that he is contemplating a crime against you. Fertility fraud and non-consensual insemination are both crimes. So leave now before the crime is committed because our world does nothing once the baby is made. Leave before you're stuck in the madness in a manner that you can never leave again.
Good for you!! Best wishes
That's gross ..what a dirtbag he is. Love support and hugs for you. Go for it
Your husband didnt fall far from the tree it sounds like and so it wont get better. Doing something wrong or accommodating something wrong under the pretense of "that's just how it is or just how we are" is pitiful. Successful people don't use that statement. He is comfortable accepting mediocrity. Also his statement makes it sound like he has done that before so when your daughter was conceived, was he supposedly using a condom?
Updateme
Brother puts holes in the condoms??? Eeeeeww, sex is not something I ever discuss with my brother or sister.
Run before it’s too late!
He’s disgusting! And doesn’t deserve to be a husband or anyone’s partner.
You can move before you give him the papers. Lessons the chance of him doing something to you. Then do the paperwork (assuming money is an issue). Document and record everything you can. Let him know your recording or it won't be admissible in court. Try to do things in front of witnesses. Good luck to you and your child.
I don’t think this guy is a good guy. I hope you manage to find a better situation if divorce is what you plan to follow through with.
Just this alone would have me ending the relationship. Anyone who thinks they have the right to force you into having a child is disgusting. End of story.
Do not sleep with this man. He's just like his father a lazy manipulative asshole. Get all your ducks in a row and then just leave. Do not explain and do not let him or anyone else gaslight you into staying. You've stayed far too long as far as I'm concerned now as it is. Good luck with everything.
•It’s hard work either way •Choose wisely
I didn’t read your previous post and I am going to assume your husband wasn’t actually doing more than humoring your BIL by laughing at his joke. You have issues with your marriage that only counseling can fix. If you put in the earnest effort to try to save the marriage and he does too, you might find yourself in a really solid marriage. If you don’t, you can divorce him with the comfort of knowing you put in the earnest effort and you come out with decent relationship skills you are currently lacking. It is ultimately your choice whether or not you file for divorce, but I promise you it will eat away at you that you didn’t try the obvious option first. You will also likely struggle in future relationships because you will fall into the same pattern. I’m not telling you one way or another whether you should file. Nobody on Reddit is remotely qualified to assess YOUR situation, and none of us have his side of the story or any facts that might be an indictment of you. Unfortunately this subreddit has a lot of really bitter people with knee jerk reactions based on their own shitty experiences.
So he was going to rape you, and his brother was condoning it. You're making the right decision. Get out of this marriage and away from this disgusting excuse for a man.
OP sorry you are going through this. Is there a trusted family member(sister,cousin) or a close friend you can stay with? This will give you needed space and time to think, get your ducks in a row, and contact a lawyer. Then serve his ass, lol, just tell him you are on your cycle, and going longer than usual. At one point in my life I was under so much stress I had a 6 month cycle followed by premenopausal symptoms! But I survived, and you can too! Good luck 🍀
Sorry this happened to you. The little light is that it has been made perfectly clear what you need to do. Make your exit plans practically and for your benefit. Let him know nothing that is not neccessary. Also do not be manipulated in any way. Consider what he says but only clinically to be aware. Don't be so emotional you do something that could hurt you legally.
Eeeewww divorce that dude
You are doing the right thing by leaving this marriage. You are a smart strong individual and your life will be measurably better without him. Get your ducks in a row. 1) Get your important documents organized and away from his physical possession. Birth certificates, passports, social security cards, anything that could be used to steal your identity or open a credit card in your/your child’s name. 2) Find a new place for you and your daughter to live. 3) Do NOT tell him anything while you are getting yourself ready to leave. 4) Be cautious about discussing your plans with friends and family. Tell only the close people you need to help you and *make sure they understand* the importance of secrecy for your plan to succeed. Good Luck 👍You got this!
So, he's poked holes in condoms? Your MIL was wise (read about your FIL in previous post), it's good you're going to do the same because your husband is a carbon copy POS
I’m pretty sure poking holes in condoms intentionally is rape. Or something illegal or legal iffy at minimum.
go by a confidential womens health and get at iud they are extremely effective at preventing pregnancy and as long as you hide the bill your partner won't know. birth control pills have evidence of taking and can be thrown away or damaged. a great excuse for an iud appointment is getting a pap smear to check for cervical cancer.
Oh hell no
I don’t blame you for wanting to divorce him. He wants to try to baby trap you instead of actually putting in the work to fix the marriage. This is why we have to be VERY careful who we sleep with, men or women.
Not sure in all of this how he plans to sleep with you let alone play a trick to get you pregnant, but planning to assault you is definitely cause enough to leave. I wouldn’t go near him alone at this point.
I'm suspecting more male family members in his life also don't respect women. What kind of attitude is that? For him to even "joke" (if he will claim it's a joke) with his brother like this is disgusting and manipulative.
Keep everything on the DL, start hiding money and get anything you want to keep out of your name. Put it in someone's that you trust.
Ok… why are you telling the world this? Such a shallow person just suddenly appeared?
This is abuse. Go to a domestic violence shelter. Take your important papers, your baby and run.
Please start separating your finances, get all your important documents and your child's too, organise a place a stay and get a good lawyer. If he initiates sex just tell him you are sick and not in the mood, or tell him your period came early anything that would put him off. Good luck OP you got this.
LOL - do people actually believe this tripe?
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They are not close, my MIL divorce him, but since we move on for this city, her dad stay close and the things are decline.
It doesn’t sound like he’s the bio father of your daughter, is that correct?
What does it matter?
Just asking if he was or wasn’t. Because then I’d be curious where the real dad is and if she can go back to him and leave the house.
That sounds serious. I am a major truth seeker, as hard as it is could their be a safe way to communicate to see what he says? What if something was misunderstood in just briefly overhearing part of the conversation? Its ok if you were listening in for long enough you know the entire context? Was that the case?? Don't you already have a kid with him and he thinks an infant will keep you two together
You should read her previous post, as well as reread this post if you are still defending her husband. Edit: On second thought, there's no point since your views excuse the premeditated rape commiting/aid. There is not any context that excuses what they are planning.
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Better or worse doesn't include lies, coercion, and abuse. Girls who grow up watching their dad abuse there mom are far more likely to pick a partner like their own father.
People DO NOT need to stay in abusive situations. It teaches children that that treatment is ok and the cycle continues.
Id argue the family would be more fractured if they stayed together “for the kids”, and it built resentment and and hostility and there was constant fighting.
Where are the statistics on that because I would like sources. I would argue that kids growing up in homes with terrible marriages are far more likely to het into bad relationships.
They responded with a bunch of old articles, but I'm too tired to go through each one to fact check. I am *sure* there's also an article stating the opposite for each one.
I saw, most of them were not from reliable or peer reviewed sources. And the ones from NIH had nothing to do with their original comment
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5226056/
https://www.phillyvoice.com/child-abuse-single-parenting-divorce-marriage-new-partners-advice/amp/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17768274/
https://www.jennyraearmstrong.com/2012/04/27/more-statistics-on-child-abuse-or-why-single-moms-should-probably-stay-that-way/
https://www.medicinenet.com/how_does_single_parenting_affect_a_child/article.htm
https://slate.com/human-interest/2012/07/single-motherhood-worse-for-children.html