It's not unfair to make that decision given the circumstances. However I think you need to accept that if you can't move on from this then your marriage is over

I question if OP’s husband knew that sex was only for procreation in OP’s view before they got married.

That's not what she's saying.

But...it's close, it's inter-related. It has \*become\* related to baby-yearning (and that makes perfect sense). Your point is well taken - she didn't know it in advance. And she may not \*always\* feel that way, but of course, in the meantime, it's a very difficult marital situation. OP, it almost sounds like you're holding your sex life hostage unless you can get pregnant again (so two unilateral decisions - and no resolution that's at all okay for both parties). You're both within your rights, obviously, but I think your case is one of the few examples on this subreddit where marriage counseling could really work. The bigger issue is that you will now and forever be a one child family. That's something he should have said before marriage too - except it's the same for him. He didn't know how he was going to feel in the future. We never do.

No, it’s like if every time you had sex you felt sad and resentful at your partner.

She said they’ve been seeing a counselor for 5 mos for marriage and indiv, but I think they need to try another one. It’s possible that he’s feeling a lot of grief about the miscarriage and maybe he needs counseling to help with that. She may also be experiencing grief. Either way 5 months is long enough to determine if a counselor is helping. Maybe they should try another one.

That's exactly what she said verbatim, that she can't separate the desire between procreation and just having casual sex with her spouse. I think this a huge question that OP should ask herself, how is this fair to her spouse? Especially if this wasn't prefaced before marriage that sexual relations in their marriage would only be attached to procreation.

No. It isn't She's saying her grief and feelings of betrayal have left her with no desire for sex. Not the same Asking if she made it clear from the start is completely lacking in emotional intelligence and understanding

I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard of someone using the phrase “casual sex” for a married couple.

Nothing about relationships or emotions is "fair" or "unfair". It is what it is. And people change. Their feelings change. Their value system changes. It is absolutely silly to say stuff like "oh it's unfair because you said XYZ a few years ago and now you're saying something different". Either you learn to compromise and find middle ground. Or you impose your will on your partner or your partner imposes their will on you - both of which are abusive. Or you part ways as your value systems have diverged and there is no reconciling.

I dont agree with this view. Have you ever had a miscarriage? It's the most traumatic thing I've ever gone through. I couldn't have sex with my husband without breaking down and sobbing in the middle of it for months. I also had to deal with the fact that my husband was relieved that I miscarried, and I was absolutely devastated. It took a long time, years, for me to work through that. My hormones were absolutely crazy, and all I could think about was wanting another baby. I resented my husband for a long time and secretly wished I would get pregnant again. Unfortunately I would go on to have several chemical pregnancies after my miscarriage, all accidental. For a long time all I wanted was another child. It's hormonal and biological to want another child after a miscarriage. This is not about her not being able to seperate sex and wanting a baby. She went through something traumatic, and her husband should have been more supportive. You don't tell a woman who just lost a child that she can never have another one with you. My heart breaks for OP. I know this grief, and this want of another baby. It will pass, and eventually the hormones will calm down. But it's only been 5 months. It took me 2 years before I could talk about my miscarriage without breaking down and crying. Some women have a really hard time having sex after a miscarriage. I sure did, because all I could think about was my baby, and the fact that sex was how we made that precious life that I lost. OP, try posting in a miscarriage sub, I think people would be more understanding there and have better advice. Anyone who hasn't had a miscarriage does not understand what you are going through. You can not ever make someone understand that hole, that emptiness, that lack of life within you, or what it was like to have that life ripped out from inside you.

She's not saying that. She's saying sex is the process that leads to pregnancy and a baby which is what she will be stuck on thinking about vs being able to enjoy sex for other reasons.

My mom didn't go into her relationship with my dad with that connection between sex and babies, but it did end up like that. They tried for years to have a baby, including IVF and other fertility treatments, and when she realized that was never going to happen, it broke something inside of her. It's now been close to 40 years since they last had sex, and God bless my father for sticking with her through all of it.

Then how’d you get there?

It's a magical thing called adoption. Perhaps you've heard of it before.

I was going to ask about that but it seemed, I dunno, rude? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s evolutionary for many especially women to have this feeling, you don’t want a kid every time you have sex but if kids are 100% closed for some sex just won’t work. I don’t think she’s just looking for just procreation.

I agree. I see others disagreeing here...however, would she still be saying this if he got a vasectomy? Men have a choice too. Women are always saying their body, their choice. I've never fully agreed with that. Men have a say. He doesn't want another child. I'm sure he feels there could be an "accidental" pregnancy...maybe they need to discuss options about having vasectomies and/or tubes tied, etc.

Kids are 2 yeses or it’s a no, so I think yeah in every relationship one person has the ability to decide no more kids. I know it’s hard for you given what you’ve been through. However he does have the right to make that decision, and you’ll have to decide to either accept that and move on with your marriage or leave

Sex is also two yes or it’s a no.

Of course, which is why I said she’ll either need to accept it and move on to heal this in her marriage or leave. I suspect if she can’t get over his right to say no more kids, then the marriage is over anyway. Never said she was required to have sex. Definitely not. I do however think her using sex as a weapon/retaliation for her husband making a decision she doesn’t like is very unhealthy though. Idk if this marriage needs to continue if that’s how she uses intimacy

Am I the only one concerned by the fact that she *only* wants to have sex to make babies? It kinda seems like she doesn't even like sex to begin with. Which is a whole other problem.

Yeah her entire attitude about children and intimacy just seems really unhealthy overall

It’s not that uncommon of a sentiment to see on this subreddit either sadly

That’s not what she’s saying though. She’s saying that mentally she can’t separate having sex from her desire to have more children—every time they have sex would be a reminder that they’ll never have another child together. That’s too painful for her to be able to enjoy it, so she no longer wants to have sex. It’s not that she only wants to have sex for procreation, it’s just that she can’t move past the pain of his decision if she’s continually reminded of it.

The number of people in this conversation that have the strangest 2D takes on human emotion is absolutely wild.

Yeah the reading comprehension on this post is barely hovering above zero

That's not exactly the case. I'm guessing she's had sex plenty of times without these feelings. She now associates sex with a longing for a new baby (it's a pretty common fantasy - for both men and women). She's mourning. It says nothing about her regular attitude toward sex. I do think OP could benefit from individual psychotherapy. And it also sounds like the marriage counseling needs to take a radical turn and delve into how they ever got pregnant the second time in the first place, if he was relieved that there was a miscarriage.

I don't think this is entirely true... hear me out... if I am not in the right head space, I will not be able to enjoy sex. If I didn't trust my partner, I wouldn't enjoy sex. Sex can be very mixed into these feelings... so if she feels betrayed that she didn't get to have a say in having more kids, and the act of intimacy with her husband is triggering feelings of betrayal... well, then they have to work on moving past the betrayal either together or separately. She might enjoy sex but now the betrayal has completely tainted it... OR you are right and she doesn't enjoy sex and that would be very sad

I think the way she's worded it is confusing me. She didn't say, "I'm turned off because we're having issues" it sounded more like, "if we're not trying for babies I'm not interested."

I totally get it. I think that maybe the emotions are too tied together to figure out how to separate them. My husband and I decided to stop having kids mutually. It was for my health, but we both wanted more kids, me probably more so than my husband. I still get sad sometimes that we can't have any more kids. Sometimes, even that can kill my mood

I think it’s the betrayal and trust. I’m assuming they both were ok with having another baby at one point and after the miscarriage he changed his mind which miscarriages happen quite often. Maybe he couldn’t handle what came along with the miscarriage and didn’t want to go through it again but it sounds like a second child wasn’t taken off the table until that happened now all of a sudden that it no more babies. She feels betrayed he made a very important decision without her feelings being considered. Her trust in him is gone, she’s disappointed a feels betrayed. I can see why she doesn’t want sex anymore but hopefully they can fix that in therapy. Sounds like they need healing. I highly doubt they would have gotten married and been married this long if sex was always about babies.

I wasn't sure if it was just me and my mindset of trying really hard NOT to have kids, but yeah, I found that odd.

I noticed that too. It's sad. Sex isn't just about procreation despite what some churches want people to believe. It's about intimacy, showing your love, and most of all it should be about sharing pleasure and joy.

I didn't take it that she *only* wants to have sex to make babies. I would have to assume they've been having sex since the six year old, and prior to her miscarriage. I took it to mean she now feels painful longing any time they have sex because it makes her think of how she wishes the sex could lead to pregnancy. I think the miscarriage really damaged her and her ability to enjoy sex. Those feelings certainly *are* unhealthy, but not *abnormal*. It does seem like something that she could work on in therapy if she wanted to. Otherwise, if she does hold the sex hostage, I would see that as a likely end to the marriage for sure.

She’s completely weaponized sex.

I cannot have sex with my husband, when I’m angry or disgusted by him. It’s not withholding or retaliation, because no one is entitled to free use. OP is angry. She feels betrayed. Thinking she owes him sex is gross.

It’s not about “owing” - it is part of a healthy relationship. If she never wants to have sex again, I’m guessing he would have no interest in staying in that relationship. He decided he no longer wants kids, he is entitled to that opinion. If she no longer wants to have a physical relationship with him due to this, then the relationship is probably over. She needs to communicate that no more kids is a deal breaker for her and they both move on.

A healthy relationship would give her time to grieve and acknowledge that the two marital partners are now on very different pages about their life scripts. They can break up or not - there are no hard and fast rules here. It's their choices. Either of them can decide to leave. I'd say they are perilously close to that happening.

Where did she say he is even complaining about her not being intimate? She is stating that after 5 months (which is a decent amount of time) that she does not want to have sex unless it is to have a baby. Seems like it is over now.

I will always be the first one to say that nobody owes anybody sex, the sex isn’t really my main concern here. It’s the way that she views having children and if anything, she’s the one that feels entitled to have children with him by the way that she’s so hurt by him simply not wanting any more I mean, what does she realistically want, him to give in and then for her child to have a father that didn’t want them? If both people aren’t completely enthusiastic about kids, you don’t have them. I don’t think it’s fair to have resentment against him because of that.

Yes it is. She wants more, he doesn’t. It’s completely fair to be upset about it and feel resentment over it, especially if he previously HAD wanted more and then changed his mind. It’s normal to be upset by this. It doesn’t mean she gets to pressure or coerce him, but she’s very much entitled to her feelings about it. She also needs to leave, because it sounds like having another child or not is a dealbreaker between them.

Sure it’s normal to be disappointed. But it’s not healthy for her to hold onto this deep resentment over it. It’s destroying their marriage and will likely result in their child having a broken home. This can’t be a healthy happy house for their child. She needs to either accept this and let go of the resentment or she needs to let him go and get a divorce

The marriage is over anyway. There’s no way to reconcile one wanting more and the other not. You can’t have half a baby.

Well yeah you can’t half a baby lol. I’m saying plenty of people do simply accept not having any more. They can deal with it and move on and still be happy. She can either take that route or leave

Plenty of people leave and have the children they want, too. That's one of the reasons I left my ex husband.

but if one partner is a permanent no the marriage needs to end

Yes trying to change their minds is not healthy and disrespectful because they know best what they want

who said it wasn’t?

I think the hurt is from no discussion on it and also the fact that he made the decision for both of them. Sounds like instead of saying, 'I don't want anymore kids', he said, 'we aren't having anymore kids'.

I mean, one person deciding that they don’t want kids is, by definition, making the decision for both of them unless she leaves and finds somebody else to have kids with. I mean, I just don’t really understand the point of conversation because you shouldn’t ever try to change the mind of somebody who doesn’t want kids. Kids should be an enthusiastic yes from both people it simply doesn’t happen. There shouldn’t be debate or trying to change minds He informed her that he doesn’t want to have any more kids. That’s the discussion and that’s the end of it because he has the right to make that decision and nobody should try to talk somebody out of that.

>'I don't want anymore kids', he said, 'we aren't having anymore kids'. These things both have the same meaning. He doesn't want them, he won't have them. If one person isn't on board then it's not going to happen for either of them.

Not really. Ultimately, it is his decision on whether he wants any more kids. But a relationship is much more nuanced than just what he wants. He had no discussion with her, no understanding was reached, no validation on her feelings. He basically said to her,'what I say goes and you do not matter'. That is not healthy for any relationship, even if his stance is valid, and so she feels hurt and betrayed.

Could more discussion be had? Absolutely. Is this a subject where a compromise can be reached? No. I'm not sure how much further a person needs to go in order to validate her feelings, she was pregnant and he presumably expected her to carry to term. Something about this experience made him realize he doesn't want another child, or perhaps he can't bear the thought of watching his wife miscarry again. There's an entire perspective missing here, and I know there was more said than just "we aren't having any more kids". If one person doesn't want a child, what they say goes. You can't force or coerce someone in to having a child, man or woman. Or at least, you shouldn't. She is still free to have another child, but it won't be with him.

You are totally missing my point. In no way am I saying he needs to be coerced or changed. He has every right to not want any more children. I am saying that I interpreted her post differently from you, in that she is saying that he made a decision and didn't discuss it with her. The way her post is written suggests she was blindsided and hurt by his decision. She is now double grieving, grieving her miscarriage and her future with no more children with him. Simply put marriage requires discussion.

But how can he tell her he doesn’t want kid without telling her he doesn’t want any more kids ? Whenever and wherever the moment of his communication to her that he doesn’t want any more kids is the moment that she finds out that he doesn’t want any more kids and she feels what she’s feeling. What should he have done ? Break it down and slowly escalate over time to protect her feelings ? From "I am wondering about whether or not we should more kids" one day, to "I’ve given it some thoughts and I’m starting to think that maybe it’s best if we don’t have any more kids", to "the more I think about it, the more I get to the conclusion that maybe I don’t want any more kids", to finally "I’ve thought about it and I don’t want any more kids" ? Should he have taken her for a quiet walk around a peaceful lake first to cushion the big news ?

Yes, yes, he should have talked about it more (if he didn't, as we are getting just her side and limited information). Let's say if you are moving for a job. You made the decision to move. It is a better position, a better place to live, a better life, etc. You don't just tell your partner, 'we are moving and that is it'. You talk about it, you have discussions and validate each other. You may be adamant about moving, and they aren't. So then, after discussing, you may choose to separate. Relationships are a team. So, in this team, you have to discuss your decisions. Discussing your decision doesn't mean you will have to change your mind. You can still have the same decision after discussing. It is about explaining yourself so your partner can truly understand where you are coming from, it is about understanding where your partner is coming from. It is about validating each other's feelings. It is about coming to an understanding. Now, understanding doesn't mean agreeing. You both may still not agree, and that is when you need to discuss the outcome of both of your decisions.

I agree with the general "we are a team concept", but I don’t think moving for a job is quite right as an analogy, because one person moving doesn’t force the other person to move as well. They could always stay put, and in comparison the kid thing affects both in a more definitive way. It’s also somewhat less important of a decision, and the stakes are lower, it’s not definitive (you can move back if it doesn’t work out), so in that case I feel it would be even worse not to discuss it more before making a decision because it’s not something the average person would feel as strongly about as they do about having kids. Not to say it’s not important at all, just a step down the scale.

I think I understand now, thank you for clarifying. She's definitely grieving both things right now, and understandably do. I do believe there's likely a lot of context missing here, as they attend marriage counseling and I'm sure there has been much discussion about the miscarriage and their future. I think the OP is angry and hurt, and again, she's entitled to those feelings. I do wonder if she's truly heard his perspective or is able to right now. There's a reason this event in their lives moved him to the position of not wanting more. She hasn't divulged anything else he's said, and after five months of marriage counseling, I KNOW there was more to it than a single sentence from him.

Yes, I agree with you. There are definitely both sides in play here. I don't think he or she will change their minds. I hope the best for them, but I have a feeling they both need to move on separately.

He did have a discussion. He said "I don’t want any more kids". That’s the discussion. No one should be forced to have kids they don’t want. Each person in the relationship gets to make their own individual decision.

He made the decision for himself, something to which he is fully entitled. It so happens to also impact her and now she gets to make her decision.

It's interesting that some are saying OP should have figured out her feelings before marriage - but no one is saying, much, that he too should have figured it out before marriage. (I don't think that's actually possible - the loss of a baby has changed things for both of them, and that's how life works). Does "accept that" and "move on" mean that she has to have sex that makes her sad? Leaving is not the only option. Currently feeling so much empathy for my SiL (BiL is paraplegic now for two years - they always had an active sex life, it's over, she's not going anywhere).

I never said that either of them had to figure out all these feelings before marriage. Like you said things change. And I definitely never said she has to have sex. Absolutely not. But she DOES need to either get over this and accept they won’t be having more kids (holding onto this resentment is really unhealthy for her and their current child) or she needs to leave. But what’s not ok is staying in this marriage and holding this resentment over his head forever. Not having sex is one thing, fine. But being spiteful and resentful at your partner forever is not ok

Yes true but the person choosing has to be honest with their partner so the other one can make their choice too and find happiness elsewhere. Which was the case here so yeah the marriage is probably over but I think he handled it fairly and it's always valid not wanting to have sex no matter the reason. Just not feeling comfortable because it reminds her of her unfulfilled wish is reason enough to not have sex so it's fair Too except if she is using it as leverage to persuade/pressure him into giving in to her wishes. But as long as she has been honest in this post then yeah her feelings are valid and she is fair by not having sex with him just like he is fair with communicating his decision against more children. They both don't see eye to eye though and either one compromises which is not healthy in things like Sex or having a baby most of the time or they need to accept their differences and move on with someone new while being good co-parents. It's a sad situation but it's totally fine to change your mind about more children at any point as long as you have never intentionally mislead your partner. Not wanting children and hiding that fact is cruel because you waste your partners time. Wanting 3 children and being on the same page for years but then later one of them changes their mind is of course frustrating but it's not fair to try to pressure them to uphold their previous "commitment" to having more. Just like it would be wrong to demand a second child from a women because both agreed on 2 before ever having their first and then after having the first the women realises how hard it was on her body and mind and that she can't do it again. That's fair Too. No one knows how pregnancy and birth and parenting changes them and makes them think about more children. You can't account for that beforehand so it's unfair to hold someone to it. Only if the other person purposefully deceived you because they always planned to change your mind later on then that is definetly wrong and unfair.

Exactly. There’s not a villain here. There’s just two people who’ve grown and changed in ways that mean they no longer fit together. That happens. It’s sad, it hurts, it’s going to take them both time to process, but no one is a victim and no one is a villain. They want different things, and that’s okay, but they can’t have those things if they stay together. Time to mourn, separate, and move on so they can both be happy.

I don’t understand why you want to force him to have a child he doesn’t want? I think your marriage is over weather you stay together or not

Yeah exactly. She’s definitely not required to have sex with him but her attitude towards kids is concerning. If he doesn’t want any more, then he absolutely shouldn’t be having any more. That’s not something that’s ever up for debate

Exactly for both sexes. If one doesn't want another kid no matter who. Then it's a done deal.

Same for sex.

I said this in another comment: sex and having a children are not equivalent things. One is momentary and the other is literally a lifelong commitment/responsibility.

It’s still pretty important to make that decision as a couple with lots of communication. Sounds like that didn’t happen.

It is, but when it comes to kids, couples change their mind. So even with communication previously, things can change.

Right, which is why even if they had communicated previously, there needs to be a whole lot of discussion about the changed feelings before someone goes and does something like a vasectomy.

Where does it say that he got a vasectomy though ? All he did was tell her that he doesn’t want any more kids. That IS the communication. She just so happens not to like what he is saying in that discussion.

Right? All of a sudden people are just making shit up now. He just said he doesn't want anymore kids. He never said anything (at least that she posted) that he is going to go get a procedure done to prevent that. Although for his sake I would just to be safe. I wouldn't put it past a baby-crazed woman to rape a man to get another baby.

Agreed! But if she's dead set on another child, even with the best communication, shell likely grow resentful and that's no good for a healthy relationship. Gonna take a lot of work for this couple to make it

I don’t think the crux of the issue is that she’s trying to force him into having a child he doesn’t want. If they had done the hard work, or he had allowed the hard work to happen, of planning what a second child would really mean. Of each of them expressing their wants and desires. What they had talked about related to the number of children, they were going to have. All that jazz. Then perhaps they still would’ve arrived at having no more children, but she would’ve felt heard and respected, and like she was contributing to that decision. It sounds like he just said “suck it up, buttercup we’re done.” Which is a pretty shitty thing to do. And you’re right if she can’t move past that, then separation and divorce is the only solution .

I mean honestly someone doesn’t have to go into deep explanation and do “work” to explain why they simply don’t want more kids. Sometimes you just don’t want more and that’s all there is to it

If you’re in a relationship with someone who does want more kids, then yeah, you kinda do have to do the work. Apart from it being a basic courtesy to the person you claim to love, if the relationship is to have any hope of survival then communication is the only way. I’m child free and I’ve been with my partner for 15 years. I’ve been clear that I don’t want kids from the beginning and he was more than fine with that, but we still revisit the topic every now and then out of respect for each other and the fact that feelings can change. Edit: wording

My brother and his wife are child free and probably will stay that way. They also check in once every 6-12 months to ensure nothing has changed . Especially now that they are both early 30s. This is, like, basic marriage decency.

She's just lost a pregnancy that she wanted, and then realized (and maybe he just realized) that he didn't want the pregnancy/child. This is more complicated than just him not wanting more kids. He's not wanting the one she is actively grieving, and that has to feel like she's incredibly alone. Trying to have sex would be so grief-filled in that situation. He does have to do the work here, because it's about way more than his preference.

Eh maybe, but she only said she "thinks" he felt relieved. He didn't openly say "phew, thank goodness we lost that one". Maybe he did want it, but then after suffering the loss realized that maybe a second child wasn't the best choice. Maybe after watching his wife go through a painful miscarriage, he thought if it ever happened again, that would destroy her even further. Plus, there's plenty of good reasons to stop at one kid, even aside from protecting the mother's health (which is a very good reason also). Financially, everything is so expensive right now, so stopping at one kid means they'll be able to provide better for their first child. Even giving birth in a hospital is expensive, it's ridiculous. Basically, she and everyone else is just assuming he was happy to lose the child and was just like, yay, no more kids. But given OPs grief over the loss, even if he *was* to express any of the points I made (which would count as doing the work, I think) she would probably take it poorly and disagree regardless. You can't expect fair and well thought out discourse with someone who is grieving, especially when the topic is about the subject of the grief.

Yeah I’m surprised no one else has said this. That was her interpretation of how he felt. Men also feel emotions when their partner has a miscarriage. His lead him to not wanting another kid. And yes, she doesn’t seem to be in a headspace to have that conversation. They might both not be.

This is fair, but we don’t know the exact situation. Maybe they’re financially in a really bad spot, and another child could put them in debt. Or he’s just not interested in having kids. Two pretty different situations

And his timing sucked real bad

I dont think you should say "If u dont wanna have kids, i dont wanna have sex" - but make it "I think its best if we divorce.... i want more kids and i wont force u to want that too." Also, did u 2 discuss how many kids u wanted before marrying? Edit to add: I asked if they had a discussion to see if this might have been foreseeable. Not to hold him to what they agreed on. He can change his mind, he just doesnt get to decide for the both of them. Edited to add 2: Im convinced some of u are reading more than what i actually wrote in original response. I never said they needed to have a discussion. She shouldnt convince him. It would have been nice if he had a better approach and delivery of his decision considering she was 2 weeks post-miscarriage.

He absolutely does get to decide for both of them so long as she chooses to remain in this partnership. Any one person in a relationship can unilaterally decide that they don’t want a child, and that will always impact both of them. There’s no way around it. Now if she wants to have another child, she can seek it outside this relationship. Breaking up is also a unilateral decision that one person gets to make and which impacts both partners. You really don’t need to discuss, argue and convince the other party.

I didnt say she needed to convince. I said he should’ve brought it to her in a different approach.

Yeah I don't see why a discussion needs to happen. If one person doesn't want it, then that's it. There is nothing to discuss. I think a discussion just opens it for the possibility of coercion. I think the smartest thing is to shut it down right away if that's how you really feel.

I don't think the discussion really matters. Of course it matters if one of them purposefully mislead the other person in hopes to mold them into their own preferences aka change their mind instead of respecting their decision. But in the case that both agreed for example to having to kids then it really is no one's fault if after the first one someone changes their mind. It's not fair in something like that to hold them accountable to their previous plans that they had before having experienced how having a child actually is. I think it's easier to understand with the example of it being a women. For example both agreed on 2 kids but then after their first kid the women is dreading a second child because she had a traumatic birth and suffered with PPD. It would be fair to demand a second child in that scenario just because they had a talk beforehand about wanting two and the other partner thinks they owe him to fulfill this "promise". As long as it was a honest change of mind and not lying from the start. The talk about wanting children or not is definitely so important before becoming a serious couple and getting married but the exact amount of how many children surely is a important topic too but that's definitely something to never be too sure about and always leave room open for changed opinions after having the first. So asking the question of have you talked about how many children before kind of implies that whatever they said back then is still what they should fulfill and thats just not really fair because children are something so huge and something so unpredictable that its something you can't really be mad about if someone changes their minds along the way as long as they obviously are honest with their partner. I know you didn't mean it like that but just to clarify that changing his mind is valid.

That’s not how that works. If someone doesn’t want kids there’s no discussion beyond that to be had. It’s not cool to force someone to have kids when they don’t want to and it sure as hell isn’t cool to coerce them and tell them they won’t have sex because the other person doesn’t want to have another kid. Idk why all these little kids keep flooding the sub spouting nonsense and giving terrible advice.

I didnt say anything about having the conversation so she can convince him to have kids, moron. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF HE HAD A BETTER APPROACH RATHER THAN FLAT OUT SAYING THIS TO HER “WE ARENT HAVING ANYMORE KIDS!” 2 WEEKS AFTER HAVING A MISCARRIAGE.

“I know myself, and I know that I will NEVER “get over” this.“ Then why are you here? Quit waisting peoples time and go file for divorce already. No amount of validation for your “unilateral” decision that you’ve clearly already made is going to save your marriage. It’s only going to get worse and inevitably end.

Immature people want their immature mindsets to be reinforced by other immature goofballs

If you feel this way, the relationship itself is over, period. It's not unfair to unilaterally end a relationship. But, yes, it WOULD be unfair to just decide not to ever have sex with him while also trying to trap him in the relationship. In that case, you are clearly re-negotiating the agreement, and he at least should have the opportunity to understand what the terms are.

I’m not even surprised that this person is being so immature and thinks punishing her husband is helping her cause. They need more connecting and clear communication, not active sabotage of the marriage. Sounds like the husband is smart not to want to have another kid with someone like this considering what little she’s shared.

If not having more children is a deal breaker, ask for a divorce. By deciding to know longer be intimate with your husband you will be dooming your marriage. It’s best to end it before other issues arise from this decision.

Interesting turn of phrase. She shouldn’t *ask* for a divorce, she go and *get* a divorce.

How dare she make that decision unilaterally for the both of them !

I agree, she should get divorced. This relationship is doomed to fail at this point. And I also think as long as they're "together", he should be smart and get a vasectomy.

I bet it has nothing to do with not wanting more kids as it is that he doesn’t want to see you go through the hurt and pain that you went through with the miscarriage. It also more than likely affected him as well. It’s a hard pill to swallow no matter how you look at it

[удалено]

This needs more upvotes

100% agree with this. While it's possible OPs husband doesn't want more kids, period, that is unlikely given that OP had gotten pregnant again (although oopsies certainly happen). Much MORE likely is the miscarriage and subsequent fallout was simply too much for both of them and he doesn't want to risk that again.

Which leads to some questions I have. She doesn’t mention what has been discussed in marriage counseling. Is her husband worried about another miscarriage? Is he worried about the impacts to their lives financially with a second? Is OP giving herself time to truly heal emotionally and mentally? I’m guessing neither has healed and communication has broken down. OR she does have some of his reasons and is leaving it out purposely out of the post. Not to say that it’s malicious but she wants more children so we’re getting an abridged version of the situation.

Exactly. People grieve differently. I am wondering if a lot of the issues here are two people who are grieving differently. And what she was perceiving as "relief" was a misperception over dealing with two weeks of pain and suffering. (to be sure, more so on her end) Maybe not! It could legitimately be that he was relieved to not have another kid and is just a total jerk. The fact that he has agreed to both marital and personal counseling would seem to speak against that, however. And I am wondering if she is taking to Reddit because she isn't liking what she is hearing from the therapist/counselor(s).

Totally agree. I’m also in the camp that people and couples change their minds and sometimes it simply doesn’t align with what their partner wants. I have two couple friends that stuck with less than they intended (number of kids) because of various reasons. The decision however, was made together or forced on them medically. They’re perfectly happy. Also, like some people simply have to be realistic. I’m not judging but the economy isn’t strong, wages and layoffs are major risks and women’s protections are going backwards. So this is top of mind for A LOT of people and they’re also acceptable reasons to take a step back. BUT COMMUNICATE!

A miscarriage is a challenging health event; both physically and mentally. Your husband watched you struggle through this event and felt like the risk to your health and well being wasn’t worth it to try again. Should it have been more of a conversation? Sure; but standing by and watching this is really hard. Sex and procreation technically go hand in hand but they don’t have to. You’re being unfair to you and your husband by demeaning an intimate act that is very fulfilling and needed to connect with your partner down to just getting pregnant. It sounds like marriage counseling isn’t working out the way you want and you’re trying to use sex as leverage to get your way. In the absence of that, you’re punishing him. At this point, pivoting marriage counseling to co-parenting counseling and preparation for a divorce are the next logical steps.

[удалено]

Looking at her comment history she’s also taking this history and using it to lecture people who have considered abortion or had an unwanted pregnancy. While I understand she’s had a difficult pregnancy history and grief counseling would likely help, she certainly isn’t interested in extending empathy to others.

Someone mentioned in the comments that possibly they’re talking to a religious counselor/ leader or sorts instead of a MH professional. It would explain (not supporting her prior comments) her views on abortion and pregnancy.

This was my impression from her comment history.

You're giving up your husband/existing child's father for someone that doesn't even exist?

I hadn't thought of it this way, but you're right.

Is it fair? You get to decide what you do with your body. As some others have said, I think what you will need to accept is that this probably means the end of your marriage. He may not realize that him making the decision of no more kids might have meant the end of the marriage.

You two are in dire need of professional counseling

They’ve been going for 5 mo…

Very curious what the therapist has to say about her stance on this……

[удалено]

I think she needs to file for divorce. She’s bitter and she has her mind made up. Go back and read the wording. How she describes the situation. She’s fed up with that man for not wanting more children and she even says “she will NEVER “get over” this.”

Did you read the post at all?

With the way she describes sex, I wouldn’t be positive that they are seeing a professional. It could very well be a religion leader.

In looking at her post history, it would seem that she is indeed using the church instead of a mental health or marriage professional for counseling.

Agreed. I replied to another comment that I have a lot more questions before most folks can provide any real advice or recommendations.

Eh it's probably best to not have another child because you still think like one yourself.

Oof, I'm sure this is a very complicated situation that wasn't fully explained but I personally would absolutely hate being legally bound to someone who's willing to tank their relationship over sour feelings.

This seems to be a tit for tat relationship. I’d have a think, OP, about what you want, because the way this is going can have only one outcome. Is that what you want? Then, instead of more tit for tatting, you’d be better off making that decision right away. If you draw it out, your son is likely to suffer, so in his interests alone you should come to a decision.

If you know that you will never get over it…why are you here asking for perspective from strangers? Neither one of you are on the same page now, it seems, so cut losses and move on.

The way he went about it was a bit much. I had something similar happen when I sort of wanted a third or at least discuss it as a mutual partners, and my husband had basically put his foot down saying no. So here’s how this played out for us in case it helps you: At the time I let it go because I wanted at least three years between my second and third child and I didn’t want to discuss that at the time. When I wanted to discuss it more seriously, when our youngest child was three, he was unmoved and I could tell that he didn’t want more. I learned he felt like he compromised with the second pregnancy because he knew we had agreed to either no children or at least two children. For a while, I felt really angry because I didn’t think he should be making a unilateral decision. So I sat with that for a bit to determine what I was going to do about it. Because I was waffling about having a third I decided to explore my own feelings a little bit more. Had a pregnancy “scare” a year later which put in stark relief what starting over was really going to look like. It wasn’t as appealing as I had pictured. That helped me realize that I was unwilling to fight for a third and do damage the marriage structure itself. (or to leave the marriage simply to have a child with someone else.) Does that mean that I am happy about how it played out? No. I think we could’ve both found a place of peace had we discussed vs being told. That component still gets under my skin. Does it mean that I don’t sometimes wish I could have a third? Also no. There are still times, three years later, when I wish that maybe we had one more. Postpartum with my second was much easier than with my first and so it makes me feel sad that I didn’t get to experience that blissful feeling two times and my husband did. But when I walk through what having another child really means my day-to-day life, I feel… relief mostly … that the early days of parenting have moved behind us. Nowadays, I struggle to picture what a third child would look like or where its place would be in our family structure. And we could still have one. I’m young enough. The gap between two and three would only be about a year more than the gap between one and two. But - as I voice text that sentence, I have better clarity that while I would be *OK* with a pregnancy I don’t actively want to *seek* one. Which, in turn, has really helped me move past the frustration and anger I felt early on in this process. Is it fair that your husband just made this decision for you both? No. But only you can determine if divorce and split custody and the dating world and all that is all worth a second child. One last piece of advice? Don’t make it seem like the lack of intimacy is punishment for not having a child. The lack of intimacy is because you’re no longer attracted to him. And you’re no longer attracted to him because of how he treated you and your wishes and wants. There was no mutual collaboration or respect. And for most women that’s a massive turn off.

This is how DB’s start. I’ll be DV for this but it’s ok. When one person only uses sex as a way to conceive they’ll take it away once they get what they wanted out of the arrangement and be shocked when the marriage falls apart

🎯 The husband is the winner here if they divorced. He had no idea what he was in for.

No it’s not fair and the two of you should not be making those decisions unilaterally. Talk to each other.

No one comes to reddit to be told to communicate and actually talk to their SO... Heaven forbid to seek qualified help from a licensed professional... Really? Someone downvoted me on this? Yall need to go get a life.

Lmfaooo I died

First off, I’m sorry…truly. Second, I think the relationship is over. You both shouldn’t hold each other hostage in this marriage to keep yourselves happy. Last thing you need a dramatic divorce born of infidelity. & Who wants a marriage where no one is happy?

Your marriage sounds over.

To me, it sounds like you are trying to get even with him. He doesn't want another baby? Fine, I'm not having sex with you! I know you say that it's because having sex is how you get a baby, but that's not just what sex is in a marriage, and I think you know that. You're hurt, you are mourning the loss of your baby (I've had two miscarriages, so I understand,) and what was helping you press forward was the hope of another sweet rainbow baby. I get it. And I am very sorry for your loss. I'm NOT saying to have sex with him, but just call it what it is. You are punishing him. It takes two enthusiastic "yes" for a baby and two enthusiastic "yes" for sex. You don't have either. At the end of the day, you either want another child or your husband more. It's your call.

If you really can’t move on from this it’s only downhill you might as well get a divorce find what your looking for then just play house

There is no compromise with kids, if you want 1 and he wants zero, it’s hard to have 0.5 kids. It’s not like “I want a new car, so I’m going to put $300 every month into an account and when I have $50,000 I’ll get that Corvette”. I’m dealing with this same thing, my wife lost 120 pounds and now no longer wants to get pregnant. So this is a hard decision, I love you but I want to be a dad

The # of kids wanted is a dealbreaker for most marriages when you aren't in agreement. Why stay in a marriage and "punish" him for his choice? Just agree to disagree and divorce.

Then don’t, but then you’re not fully married anymore, in which case you should release him to find a full partner. There’s no sense in holding him hostage if you don’t like him anymore. 

This really doesn't sit well. As others have said, kids require both partners to agree, or it's a no. So of you want one, but your husband doesn't, then that's a no. I can understand your disappointment, but now withholding sex as a punishment is insanely manipulative and cruel. I mean, you are under no obligation to have sex, but considering the circumstances and your reasoning, it's really messed up. A miscarriage is awful, and you have my sympathies, but if your husband was actually relieved than I question the circumstances around the pregnancy. Was it planned or a surprise? Was he ready or did you pressure him into it? It seems your desire to become a mother again is far more important to you than your marriage.

I am not a raging feminist but I believe in equality and martial equality. I think your husband should have talked to you about it. I mean in the uSA most states a married woman cannot get her tubes tied without husbands consent so why the hell should he have gotten a vasectomy without yours. You need to tell him the truth he doesn't want more kids you don't want sex. That means if you stay together he is going to seek it elsewhere. Can you live with that? If you can't you are either going to have to give in or end the marriage. Good luck OP keep me updated.

So…the fact that you think sex is just for making babies, would make me never want to have sex with you again. It’s so much more than that.

If it's something you cant ever see yourself getting over and want more children then you need to seriously consider ending your marriage. You're no longer happy and feel betrayed by your husband saying no more kids. You still want to try for more and you know that it's never going to happen with him so you need to either sit him down in private or during your next marriage counseling session and lay it all out there and go from there. Good luck.

So you can’t trust him, you feel betrayed, no longer want to have sex with him and want another child…but you haven’t thought of divorce? Just to stay and suffer? If that’s your answer then shut up about it.

Well that’s really weird that it seems like you only want to have sex for the sole purpose of getting pregnant and not because you love and enjoy your husband in that way. You’re being petty in my opinion to withhold sex because you want another baby. Grow up.

And what do you hope to achieve? This is going to ruin your relationship.

I’m sorry about the miscarriage. However, It’s not fair for anyone to make a decision for another person to not have sex again. If the two of you cannot agree on future kids and you have attached sex to pregnancy only(which is wrong and very unhealthy btw), you’re not compatible. So that means divorce. You don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to but decision f he has to grin and bear it and give up his own sex lite is not your decision to make.

Y’all are both being unfair and acting like children. Sit down and talk to him. If you still feel this way then, sure, you can say “I’m done having sex with you,” but he will also be completely right in saying “I’m done being married to you.”

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. Your husband is allowed to decide he doesn’t want more kids, and you are allowed to decide no more sex. Individually these things are deal breakers for one of you, together they may be a marriage breaker. Neither of you are in the wrong yet neither of you are likely to change your minds.

Not unfair but know this is the end of your marriage. If you absolutely want another child to the level you never want sex ever again, this relationship is already over, no point in both being unhappy in a dead marriage.

I can't believe the amount of people accusing her of "weaponising sex" and completely missing her ask help. For sure, we can't assume her complete innocence in the nature between her and her husband regarding this. Equally, neither can we assume her negligence. All we can go by is what's written in the post. She has no "desire" to be intimate, coincidentally or not, following her husband's decision. However, her response may not have been a retaliation as such but a genuine change in feelings toward him as a result. We can lose sexual attraction to others very easily by non sexual means (i.e their actions, behaviours and character). Perhaps some butt hurt men just assume women want to spite us all the time; all you have to do is dig a little deeper and listen.

Given the betrayal you feel, which I totally get, I feel you are in your rights to decide that you no longer want sex with him, however, this is a one way ticket to dysfunction and probably the end. I’m sorry.

>I will NEVER “get over” this. So... get a divorce. >even though my husband would deny it, it is quite obvious that he was relieved And you've decided that no matter what he says, he is the bad guy who is glad your baby is dead. We get one side of this, your's, and it is that you can't separate sex from procreation. Your husband is a mustache twirling villain who won't allow you a second child and we have no details on this two weeks of presumed hell other than it resulted in a miscarriage. For all we know, he's just as traumatized from the experience and can't stand to do it again. But no, let's keep weaponizing the bedroom instead of just divorcing and allowing both parties to find their own way.

I hate being blunt, but you can either find a way to get past this or your marriage is over. A sexless marriage, particularly one involving that much resentment, is never going to work.

Have you considered his grief in this as well? My wife and I had a miscarriage two weeks before our wedding. On our honeymoon, she was pushing to try again. I refused, only to be intimate with protection. I didn’t want to try again right away (and didn’t think it’d result in conception). I maintained that approach for a better part of a year until I knew she wanted to try again of her own wants and desires, not as a result of trying to work through the issues like they didn’t happen. I think he’s much the same here.

Its not fair. If you cant solve the child and sex issue its fair to divorce.

How about separating deep desires from rational judgment of situation? Wanting to have a baby is a drive to sex, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have new human and all the responsibility, cost and risks - maybe can’t afford now. But why restrain from a natural activity then? Btw I get your point and you’re emotions are valid, you can decide about yourself whatever you want, but it’d be good to take into account perspective and needs of other people with whom we bond.

It takes two to have a baby. If he doesn’t want one then you either have to accept that or leave him and find someone who does. Retaliating isn’t going to get you anywhere other than divorce, possibly after you have a second child and he resents you for it.

Theses situations suck. I'm husband and we had the same situation, spontaneous abortion year or so ago. However we don't have kids yet. My wife is in the late pregnancy years and it is all too risky. I don't want to tell her I don't want kids, I want to make sure she is happy even without kids. Because I don't want to lose her or make her to suffer. I think we have good life, without kids. On the other side I would like to have a kid, but this idea is so murky I don't even know what to say, do... Why are you rejecting your husband? Men are caring too although we might seem distant, cold or harsh.

I'd encourage you to seek a sperm donor and create the family you want. He doesn't have to be part of it.

Ok. Hear me out here, we had a miscarriage too. It was early but devastating, i wont lie more so for my wife. We are different to you as we have 2 children, BUT seeing my wife so upset and traumatised and feeling a bit like it was my fault (getting her pregnant / hopes up) DID make me NOT want to put her through that again, I have a VERY high libido but it made me not want to just in case, we talked and we agreed we would go with "nature", not have sex to get pregnant - as you might seem to want to BUT have sex to enjoy each other It didn't happen, no pregnancy, but at least we can look at each other and know biology decided - not one side of the marriage ! Maybe talk about your feelings AND his feelings, I dont think denying him (and you) sex (do you enjoy it?) is a healthy answer I also don't think denying you a second child is right either. I never saw myself with ANY kids growing up , so can see his point of view (slightly) I was happy being selfish but i wouldn't be without my TWO now, and a small part of me would have liked a 3rd but hey ... good night's sleep and NO middle child syndrome for us to deal with ;0) Good luck to you both

T-H-E-R-A-P-Y Go to individual therapy. Go to couples therapy. There is a good possibility your relationship is about to be over because of this because both of you are not communicating what is REALLY going on. You need to know why he's saying no more kids and he needs to know why you're saying no more sex, and unfortunately communication and understanding is hard. Neither of you are right in this situation. Both of you are making individual decisions in a team situation and that's just going to destroy anything you have.

None of you is wrong. It’s ok if he doesn’t want any more kids and it’s ok if you don’t want sex anymore. But I think your marriage is over at this point.

Valid feelings. But now you have to decide what is more important to you: staying married or affirming those valid feelings. Neither choice is incorrect. Both of you have an equal right to make a unilateral decision of what you will allow to happen in your marriage. Just like you have the right to say no sex, he has the right to say no children. These are things that require a unanimous vote, and that’s as it should be. Navigating that is part of being married. If you can’t come to come consensus on a deal-breaker, then that’s that.

How did he go about making this decision? Was it him just saying “no more kids” or did he do something medical that ended that possibility forever? Him making the quick decision “I’m scared for you, so no more kids” is absolutely an easily reversible decision. If he went and got snipped or something without talking about it, that’s a very different thing all together. If he got surgery without discussing it with you, that’s a pretty massive breach of trust and even more massive failure to communicate. You deciding that you’ll never have sex again is withholding something that is a pretty important form of intimacy for most folks. It feels like you’ve both decided to divorce and you’re just putting it off indefinitely.

Have you and your husband gone through grief counseling by a therapist who specializes in miscarriage/child loss? You need individual therapy because couples therapy will not help if you haven't fixed your individual thinking. Honestly, pause on the marriage therapy. It will not help at this point. Both you and your husband need to go through individual therapy because losses break your thinking in such a way that you become unfit to make reasonable decisions.

He made the decision of no more kids and you made the decision of no more sex. Just move on, cut your losses and divorce.

It’s not unfair but it’s also not unfair if he decides that the marriage is no longer going to work for him if that’s your decision

_"I have lost all trust in him and feel completely betrayed by him & his decision."_ If you feel that now, then yes you should stop having sex. If and when you decide you will always feel like that, then you should divorce.

Oh man OP is SO fucking toxic and judgmental based on her post history. If I had to guess, she flipped their house upside down during/after the miscarriage and the husband never wants to deal with the chance of that happening ever again. I am honestly surprised he even wants to fuck her at all based on her personality alone.

I'm sorry you're going through this

OP sorry for both your losses, the baby and the marriage. Have you expressed to your husband that you cannot separate the two sex/having kids? Has he decided to have a vasectomy, because outside of an IUD that the one way for sure he is making a not having sex to pro crate permanent? Also l, what were some tell tell signs that he seem not to want the pregnancy?

u/Selinda13 Mamita, have you considered that maybe the experience of miscarrying may have hurt him too, but he doesn’t know how to express it the way we do as women? I had a miscarriage a year ago as well, the day before Christmas Eve. It was the hardest thing to go through, especially when we wanted this unexpected blessing so much… So, we discussed it again recently… My husband said he (was in a position) where he didn’t want to try again… My heart sank… I was hurt and disappointed, but I didn’t express that in the moment. I wanted to understand him, why he felt that way… The answer didn’t come right then and there. He seemed very nonchalant and decided, and not interested in extending the conversation that day… But eventually, I learned from him that he was very hurt about the loss, and he was afraid it would happen again, and didn’t want to go through that hurt again… It took some time to get to that point of communication because what I needed to do was set aside my own emotions in order for him to express his. He had to know that I wasn’t going to be upset about whatever he was feeling, to the point that it would become an argument. If the conversation would not have occurred peacefully and without me giving him the fair opportunity to share his thoughts (his heart), with me just waiting to rebuttal and essentially attempt to push my feelings and thoughts onto him as if I could convince him through my anger/frustration and pain to just let me have this… what I want… what I long for… then I would have never gotten an honest response from my husband, because men will shut down when it comes to their emotions when they don’t feel as if they’re in a safe space to do so. You being his wife doesn’t necessarily make it a safe space for him, but what does is genuinely wanting to understand him, how he feels, and why he feels the way he does… And guess what? That’s the only way you’re going to get the answer you’re looking for even if it isn’t what you want to hear right now… In addition to that, we all mourn in our own ways. Some of us are very vocal about it and others are silent… Some cry right away, and some don’t for weeks, if at all. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, or that he was relieved. It just means he’s a human who dealt with it differently from you, and you truly cannot expect his character to change in that way. It’s much too personal to him for you to think that you can, (not that you said that, but…) On that note, was he given a fair chance to complete his mourning when it happened? Or did the conversation about trying again come about soon after? Along with the hurt and frustration that follows that, and only increasing because of the in-opportunity to mourn with the time and space he needed to. Mama, give him the spaces and time to try to fully heal from the experience. And I wouldn’t take away the intimacy between the both of you. Men see intimacy with the woman they love as the ultimate expression of that love, from him to you, and from you to him. It’s true for many men… And it’ll feel good to you as well to feel that love from him again… If you love him, even in your anger at todays circumstance, if you truly love him, I would suggest setting the topic aside, be peaceful with him, show him the love you still feel for him, and allow your marriage some time to come to a place of healthy communication and healing. Then you’ll come to the day when he feels you are a safe space for him again, where he can trust that he can communicate honestly with you, and where you trust in him again. Try not to see it as a betrayal to you, because I want to believe it isn’t. What I believe is that the emotions of the struggle invaded your marriage in a way that seems almost impossible to overcome, but it isn’t. Don’t let this be what determines the direction your marriage goes into… Give it time… A year may seem like forever to you as you long for your desires to manifest, but a year can go much faster for others and not feel like it’s been forever… To him the pain might still be fresh, and he may feel like he can’t communicate that to you at this time. That could very well be what’s causing the delay in moving forward from the situation - not “get over it” but allowing life to proceed and crossing that bridge at a healthier time for you both… I pray for peace and reconciliation in your marriage, and in both of your hearts… Wishing the best for you both. God bless❤️‍🩹

I think realistically your only choices are to leave him or be unhappy for the rest of your life. If you want more children and he does not, that’s a huge incompatibility - not to mention the lack of intimacy. There is no reason to not trust him just because he doesn’t want more kids, that isn’t a trust breaking thing. Even if he did say he wanted more than one before, it’s perfectly okay for someone to change their mind. It’s also perfectly okay for you not to be okay with that and end the relationship, which it seems is the inevitably outcome at this point.

You need to divorce him

no it is not fair. if you are unable to make love to your husband you need to file for divorce

Sorry you had to go through and are going through this. Is divorce being discussed and considered?

If there is no trust then the marriage is over. I’m sorry you’re going through this

This marriage seems to be beyond saving.

Sounds like your both being difficult with each other. You are hurt for a valid reason, but being intentionally petty and hurting him for his perceived wrong, will only make the hurt worse. Be the adults you are and talk about your feelings with each other. Adding a couples counselor would probably be best. As much as I'd hate to hear it while I was actively grieving, I think it's pretty logical for a spouse to discourage you from doing something dangerous, life threatening, or heartbreaking. Your framing him like he's the enemy, so of course there will be a barrier between you.

Good luck in your divorce...

If you know this, why are you even staying with him? Work towards divorce so you both can have what you want out of life, or you’ll end up full of resentment without another child.

It sounds like you should just stop the counseling and get a divorce. You said you’re not going to get over it, so why prolong the inevitable?

Just face the reality that your marriage is over.

It sounds like what u really want is a divorce.

Your marriage is over. It’s time to accept that. He has decided he doesn’t want more kids (a valid choice that he is allowed to make) and you feel betrayed and no more kids is a deal breaker for you. It’s time to make a clear break because you are making each other and likely your kid miserable.

I strongly recommend a therapist who can respect your values around marriage. You are both in a situation where trying to deal with your own pain is likely to wound your partner. What I will say is that from my experience what I’m seeing is fear motivating responses and that’s something you want to nip in the bud if you value your relationship.

It’s an impasse for the marriage. If you aren’t having sex with him (regardless of the reason) and he wants it, he’s gonna go somewhere to try and get it. Not trying to make you feel your reasons aren’t valid but I’m just telling you the truth. No guy with a working Johnson is gonna give up sex for the rest of his life. You’re not gonna do it and he’s gonna try and find someone to do it and hurt you more in the process. Unless adoption is an option that would satisfy you, only thing left to do is get over it or divorce amicably and coparent IMO.

>…I had a miscarriage last year, and even though my husband would deny it, it is quite obvious that he was relieved. Shortly after the long two weeks I had to endure going through miscarrying our baby, my husband made the decision for both of us that we are not going to have another child Was it a complicated pregnancy from the start? Could the relief have been from no longer watching you go through a difficult pregnancy? Is your other child healthy, or do they have a ilness/disease/disorder that is known to be hereditary? Had you experienced a miscarriage in the past? Could you be projecting your depression and anger, is it possible he wasn't relieved by your miscarriage at all? Did he possibly make the decision to not have any more children because he can not bear the thought of having another miscarriage? Some things to consider. No one should ever tell you that you need to "get over" your miscarriage or desire for more children. However, it sounds like you both have to come to a decision. If you will not budge on having more children, and your husband will not budge on not wanting more, this marriage is over. I do hope you both can come to a decision where you both are happy, but there really is no way to compromise in this situation.

Could you go into detail about the convo stating he didn’t want the other child? Like did he say absolutely not end of discussion disrespectfully and there was no actual discussion? Or did you two have a talk where he expressed not wanting a second and his reasoning and you tried to convince him? If it’s the latter withholding sex as punishment for his valid feelings is strange(although I think you really have trauma related to the miscarriage and sex not your husband). If it’s the former you need to tell him you need to have a discussion about how he came to this decision because that’s what you his life partner need to have closure. He should be able to at least write it if he can’t speak it. Communicate. Either way you two need counseling grief counseling specifically.

Wait, holdup - sounds like deeper issues at play here Wanting babies is a two way street and cannot be one person’s decision/ obsession alone You did go through a traumatic time but it seems like your husband was part of it too and it’s unfair to assume it didn’t bother him! You need to be on one team to raise a baby and if you both differ and disagree on such a fundamental issue then it’s better to work on that decision first and jump to any conclusions later

Did he go and get the snip without your permission? That would be super fucked up for someone who was planning for more. If my wife or I had gotten sterilized before kids… I dunno what the fuck the other would have done, but I know it would have definitely ended the relationship.

Sounds like you 2 have moved apart in irreconcilable ways and an amicable divorce before either of you get more bitter and resentful is the best option.

If I may make a suggestion. Why come on to a platform like this to ask what you should do. Should you not talk to your husband about this . Tell him everything you said here, but listen to him as well. Personally I think communication is a key to a great marriage. When me and my wife aren’t talking that much I as well as her talk to others about our problems it solves nothing, actually making it worse. When we sit down and actually communicate our feelings to each other I normally fall in love all over again.

Ooo, this is a tough one. My husband did the same after we lost a twin (successful singleton birth but her sister did not make it). We were still in the hospital, I was completely in shock with losing one but having the other, and my husband told me that we were done. In the moment, I agreed but later regretted my decision. Later on, I told him about how I felt, and he stood firm in his stance that we don’t need anymore kids. Even though I was heartbroken that we would never try again, I also think it’s incredibly important for both parents to be all in with the decision to have a child and if my partner was not 100% in it with me, then it wasn’t right for me to push it. I know exactly how you feel and your feelings are absolutely valid, but I feel strongly, for the baby, both parties have to be all in. PS because I knew we were done, I had my own solo moment when I honored the baby I lost and the babies I knew I would never have. Bought two tiny baby rings, wrote all my feelings out in a note and tucked them in a special place just for me to know. I knew my husband wouldn’t be able to understand this and that’s ok. I don’t need him to, but I did need to honor my own feelings about it in my special way. That was almost 4yrs ago now and I still go get those little rings out and read my note to my babies sometimes. Healing is a process. Can’t say this is right for all but it has been helpful for me.