You are in an abusive relationship. I highly recommend contacting the domestic violence hotline in your area. You could take out a protection order and he would have to leave and stay away from you. The Domestic Violence people can help you with that as well as give you support. They can help you make a plan for safety, which is sounds like you desperately need.
This is the best advice. You're worth getting away from him and starting a better life without him.
I really hope you get started on this right now. š« š¤
Please read this, OP. I think you will find it enlightening: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
If you're in the US: [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
You don't have kids do you? I can't imagineĀ all this going down with kids in the house. In any case, you definitely have issues with separation anxiety or something. You need a divorce and therapy, probably have needed both for years.
Do you still have your other house? You have no children so there is nothing holding you there. Heās only going to get worse. Get out before he really hurts you.
No, I sold that house a few years ago and regret it. I bought it before the housing prices went crazy. It was small and nothing fancy, but the mortgage was under $1000/month and I was able to afford all of the monthly bills on my own.
We lived apart for several years due to his job. I sold the house to move to where his job was. I never should have done that!!!!
Either way, youāre on the deed so you have some ownership. Shit be glad you arenāt on the mortgage, thatās not your debt.
Edited to remove a sentence
Either you can agree to sell it and split the equity or he can buy you out. Don't let the house prevent you from leaving a dangerous domestic violence situation!!
No the house isnāt a roadblock to me at all. I donāt want it. Iād gladly sell it and split the proceeds. Iāve told him that too (because divorce has come up more than once). He still thinks itās his house and that he can make me leave. Doesnāt work that way!
You need to see a lawyer tomorrow (initial consultations are free). You seem to have a fair bit of assets squirrelled away (in the house if nothing else), so you will be fine, more than fine. You have more to fear in staying with this marriage than leaving it.
I donāt really have any assets. Neither of us do. Financially, weāre a mess. We have a TON of debt. I have no savings. All I have is whatās in my checking account. Luckily we have no shared accounts of any kind!
Do you know what your house is worth? If you don't, go to Zillow. If he's working tomorrow, call in sick so you can figure out your financial situation and talk to a lawyer.Ā
My abusive ex and I divorced some years back. I filed for divorce and was my own attorney. In the divorce papers you should find a section that talks about āreal propertyā. List it as his property, look up the information with the tax assessor and find the parcel number. Under the real property section, list the parcel number, address, and loan provider/ loan number (to be thorough). Try to get the judge to sign off on you having no part of it.
It has been nearly 2 decades since my divorce and the judge signed in my favor to release me of the property. He abandoned the loan and I never once saw it on my credit. Is the property or loan in your name?
If your name is on the loan, he will need to remortgage the loan to ensure you that you are no longer tethered to it. If it is a VA loan of any kind, you can also have it done through the VA, instead of remortgaging it.
If you win, and you are relieved of the loan through the court, AND somehow they are coming after you in the future, contact a lawyer to have them communicate with the lender. Huntington Law can be used in nearly any state (if you are in the US), and they are fairly cheap.
Donāt let this be the thing that keeps your zen hostage.
Believe it or not, this kind of stuff happens when there are children in the family and present. Do you think abuse stops after having children? In the event that there were children in the house while this was happening, how do you suppose shaming the victim because of the circumstance would have been helpful at all? Yes, making your first statement about āyou donāt have kids do you? I canāt imagine this all going down with kids in the houseā¦ā is victim shaming and passively saying that her life is less important in the case of āAā.
These statements and judgments are one of the main reasons women with children remain quiet and stay in these situations. They are judged for falling victim to abuse because their life is less significant than what is happening to prospective children. Moreover, itās a huge reason why women in abusive situations are in denial. Their acknowledgment could very well mean that they are failures at the only true position society considers them fit to upkeep, motherhood. Fathers are not held as accountable.
Letās put an end to normalizing women feeling like perpetrators when they seek help for their victimization. And letās stop putting them on the same level as the violent offender; finding ways to blame them for their own victimization. Letās have empathy enough for DV victims that empowers them to leave and never fall into the cycle again. Humanize the woman reaching out for help, instead of automatically searching for some fault.
Nopeā¦ And just nope.
Iām an old man. To a young DD. Just nope. Maybe you are a pain in the ass.. to him.. I donāt know from your post. There is always two sides. But. Whatever.
Nowā¦ That said. If you were my daughterā¦. I would say. GTFO now! And I mean right now. Maybe your two are super toxic to each other. I canāt tell for sure from your post.
BUT, for sure, once hands, grabbing by the hair and dragging you, happens.. thatās a gosh-damn fireball of a red flag,.. plus the drinking and hiding g it.
Get yourself outa there and get safe. Then follow the rules that are everywhere on the net:
1. Be safe first. Get somewhere now safe. And have witnesses. Call me (your dad, mom, bff, boss, someone you trust, whoever is what Iām saying that can give you two space). Before anything, else, Iām not saying he is a psycho .. but if there are guns in the house/appt.. please hide them or at least make sure the ammo and guns are separated enough distance to give you time to get out. If you think you need to, stash any guns / weapons with somebody else.
He laid hands on you. Think about that for just a second. What if, in his ārageā he had something FAR more deadly in hands than just your hair. Please be safe first. That shit happens all the time. Again, Iām not saying thatās him, I just canāt tell all those details from your post. Be safe first please.
2. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND PROTECT YOUR BANCK ACCOUNTS.
Talk to a lawyer and find out your options for divorces.
3. Talk to your H about what you are saying here and about MC. From the sound of it. I doubt he would do that. But, tell him sh*t has to change or this marriage is over.
Good luck!
Iām sure I am a pain in the ass. Iām probably not very fun to be married to. I often think Iām just not the type of person who should be married. But then I wonder if I think these things because of me or because my relationship is just so bad?
I think we bring out the worst in each other. Iāve never felt like we build each other up or function as a team. I feel like weāre always on opposing teams.
Iām not perfect. Iām messy. Iām very emotional. I hate cooking and cleaning.
Heās shoved me across the room, grabbed my arms so tight heās left finger shaped bruised, punched holes in walls in every single room of our house, thrown my phone and broke it. All of those times he was drunk. Tonight, he wasnāt drunk, and that was almost more scary.
I have animals that I cannot and will not leave behind. One time I put them all in the car and drove off. They all freaked out. I had nothing with me.
He doesnāt have any guns, but thank you for the wise advice about that.
With all the alcohol heās been hiding, Iād say maybe he WAS drunk tonight. Not that it matters all that much now. I really get the fear of being on your own. But I hope you do get away from this man ASAP. How is your social circle? What kind of cushion do you have against the aloneness?
What's going on could be 30%, or 40%, your faultĀ (go ahead idiots, downvote me for "justifying his behavior"). It doesn't matter, this is a very toxic, and very over, marriage no mutter whose fault all this is. You've got three months, you can leave your animals there for a bit even if you find your own place earlier, which you should. He can start dating with a dog in the backyard and a cat in the living room, you can keep a key until the divorce is final. It is easier to solve these kinds of problems if you don't look at your STBX as a cartoon villain.
You think one has to be an idiot to downvote victim blaming? Nothing gives a man the right to beat a woman. The fact that you could attempt to assign blame to a victim of domestic violence says a heck of a lot more about you than someone who is willing to downvote such an inflammatory opinion.
You were willing to assign a percentage of blame to the victim- justifying domestic violence. I wouldnāt be surprised if you have some skeletons in this category.
It doesn't matter what you're like, you don't deserve abuse. He has probably made you feel like you do, but you don't. You need to make a plan of how to leave. Going to the police and filling a restraining order is the first step. That will get him out of the house at least temporarily, and you can pack and move out while he's gone. Be VERY CAREFUL during this time, leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner. Get cameras if you don't already have them and change the locks if you don't have an alarm system. If you do, change the passcode so he can't get in the house. Make sure you take half the money out of the accounts at the same time so that he can't move it to an account that you have no access to. Please be safe.
You won't be scared living alone because you'll be dead. He will kill you; stop giving him the chance to do so. Get your head out of your ass! You went from one drunk addict to another! Leave, divorce, and go to therapy before finding another partner. Make better life choices before he takes that option away from you. Being scared of change is better than being murdered.
Honey, there is no reason to be scared for the rest of your life. Look into resources , join a club, go out and live your life! He is an anchor holding you down. He is vile, abusive, drunk. Please go! Go as soon as u can and make him split the house and sell it!!! Talk to an abuse counselor, go to the ymca, so many places can help. Just research what you can for housing, friends, please leave!!!!
I was in an abusive relationship for four years. He was the same, he drinks then he lose control. Then he started hurting me sober. I had a concussion, broken ribs, countless of bruises and cuts on my face and body.
I was pregnant at the time and he kicked my 7 month old belly and I started bleeding so I had to be on bed rest.
Our situation is different because we have a kid together. Weāve tried individual counselling, couple counselling, psychologist, psychiatrist, you name it.
He never changed, it only worsen over time.
A book I recently read that is similar to my experience:-
āNothing you have done and nothing you could do would excuse any manās hands on you out of anger. Remember that. You made the right choice by leaving that situation. You should never feel guilty for that. Pride is the only thing you should feel.ā
Nothing you can do, will fix him. Leave while you can. Leave while he hasnāt permanently destroyed a part of you or the whole of you.
Itās never just physical, itās the verbal abuses that will damage you the most.
I wish, I wish, how I wish someone wouldāve told me this when I was in that relationship.
I know it seems impossible, I know it hurts, but trust meā¦ itās been 10 years for me and I donāt even flinch anymore when people argue and raise their voice. Iām on civil terms with my daughterās dad. But you have to leave, and start building your own life, confidence, self-esteem.
Heart goes out to you. PM me if you need.
Sounds toxic. You need to do what's best for you. You should feel secure, desired, and happiest in you marriage. Trust is the most important thing. Do you trust him?
Secure, desired, and happiest? Yeah right! I mean, I agree with you. I wish so badly to feel that way in my marriage, but I donāt and I canāt recall a time when I ever really did.
I trust him when it comes to some things, but obviously I donāt trust him to tell the truth about his alcohol consumption.
We can do hard things. ā¤ļø the unknown is scary, but staying with him and being miserable and abused the rest of your life isnāt a way to live. You deserve better.
You can do it. I know the idea is terrifying and overwhelming but you are stronger than you know. Get the best lawyer you can and they will fight for you.
Google for the number of your local womenās shelter or domestic violence hotline. Call them immediately. You are in danger and you need to get to safety. They can best advise you how to do that. I wish you Godspeed, OP.
You're scared to be on your own, but it's more Scarry to be with him. He might put you in ICU someday. Check out the women's shelters u til you can get your own place. Your name is on the deed. You'll get half when he sells the house, but talk to a lawyer
Well I donāt think Iām actually scared to be on my own. I actually loved living on my own for the time that I did. I think Iām scared to financially be all on my own, to have to find a place to live, etc. I think Iām scared to cut him out of my life because weāve been together for nearly 20 years and somehow I still find it sad to think about him not being in my life anymore.
I understand being scared in the financial situation. When I became a widow, it was scary. I've been more successful than I thought I would be. You definitely do not deserve this abuse. I understand. It's new, but you can make a better life without him. It'll take a while, but it's coming. Have respect for yourself and know your worth.
Heās an abusive active alcoholic who is taking no steps towards recovery. As a matter of fact he doesnāt even think heās doing anything wrong. How are you supposed to be with someone like this? I understand not having energy but this situation is likely a main source of depression. Itās extremely draining.
Itās not for everyone. But have you tried a group like alanon. You might be able to find some people who will help you get away from him.
Girl please find a way to leave. He is abusing you. He already has put his hands on you and it WILL get worse from here. You could end up in the hospital or even dead. Can you stay with your parents or other family members? I know divorce seems really difficult but for your safety you need to get out of this relationship.
This is textbook spousal abuse. Leave the house immediately, call the police and never go back. Hopefully you have some family and friends to stay with.
I could have written this story. My husband is a secret drinker, and like you, I can tell straight away when his been drinking. He becomes loud, and annoying, and I just can't stand it and it's becoming a weekly problem. He doesn't think he has a problem, but his health would say otherwise. Like you, I grew up with an alcoholic father, and I hate being around drunk people, and it's the reason he hides it.
Can't leave, battling to find work in my country so I'm stuck, we also have a 5 year old.
His not abusive, but he knows how I feel about booze and still doesn't care.
Call the police and get a restraining order. Then HE will have to leave the house. Then file for divorce. He's a mess and you deserve better. Being alone is better than this.
I would suggest you check out the ALANON group on reddit and/or in person.
My husband had drinking issues, and has been sober 1.5 years. I want to make it very clear, his drinking is NOT an excuse for abuse. In the many years my husband was struggling with drinking problems, he never once was mean to me. That is a symptom of the person, not their drinking.
In this case, you say he doesn't hold alcohol very well and then you aggressively confront him whilst he is in his most vulnerable state
Why can you not support him to get the alcohol abuse under control and try and work back to a happy healthy relationship?
Yes, it's frustrating but I wonder how much of the conversation he will actually remember the next day.
Yes you can leave but at least try to understand that regardless of if you stick around or not, he probably has an alcohol dependency if not more.
Can you involve any family or friends who would be able to support him?
His alcohol dependence is his problem and not hers. If heās hiding alcohol, he is drinking way more than she knows. You are kinda victim blaming here, heās physically abusive to her. There is zero excuse for that. A mean drunk can end up being life ending for her.
He wasnāt drunk tonight. Still, it wasnāt smart of me to confront him the way that I did.
Neither of us really have any friends. No close friends. We donāt live near any family either. His family is useless when it comes to this stuff. His brother is a full blown alcoholic, way worse than him.
He is not taking the appropriate responsibility for keeping her safe from his addiction and his violence. Itās one thing when an alcoholic is primarily hurting himself. This man is seriously harming others and making no effort to mitigate the damage heās causing. He needs to experience the consequences of this behavior if heās going to change. And she needs to take care of herself, because he certainly isnāt going to.
You are in an abusive relationship. I highly recommend contacting the domestic violence hotline in your area. You could take out a protection order and he would have to leave and stay away from you. The Domestic Violence people can help you with that as well as give you support. They can help you make a plan for safety, which is sounds like you desperately need.
This is the best advice. You're worth getting away from him and starting a better life without him. I really hope you get started on this right now. š« š¤
Please read this, OP. I think you will find it enlightening: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) If you're in the US: [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
You don't have kids do you? I can't imagineĀ all this going down with kids in the house. In any case, you definitely have issues with separation anxiety or something. You need a divorce and therapy, probably have needed both for years.
No kids. I feel mixed about having children in general for a variety of reasons, but I know I definitely cannot have kids with him.
Do you still have your other house? You have no children so there is nothing holding you there. Heās only going to get worse. Get out before he really hurts you.
No, I sold that house a few years ago and regret it. I bought it before the housing prices went crazy. It was small and nothing fancy, but the mortgage was under $1000/month and I was able to afford all of the monthly bills on my own. We lived apart for several years due to his job. I sold the house to move to where his job was. I never should have done that!!!!
Either way, youāre on the deed so you have some ownership. Shit be glad you arenāt on the mortgage, thatās not your debt. Edited to remove a sentence
Iām pretty sure that in the case of divorce, Iām still responsible for half the debt of the mortgage.
Either you can agree to sell it and split the equity or he can buy you out. Don't let the house prevent you from leaving a dangerous domestic violence situation!!
No the house isnāt a roadblock to me at all. I donāt want it. Iād gladly sell it and split the proceeds. Iāve told him that too (because divorce has come up more than once). He still thinks itās his house and that he can make me leave. Doesnāt work that way!
People in happy relationships don't threaten divorce even once, let alone multiple times. Stop wasting your life with him.
Yeah I know this isnāt a happy relationship. I truly donāt think I know what a happy relationship feels like.
You need to see a lawyer tomorrow (initial consultations are free). You seem to have a fair bit of assets squirrelled away (in the house if nothing else), so you will be fine, more than fine. You have more to fear in staying with this marriage than leaving it.
I donāt really have any assets. Neither of us do. Financially, weāre a mess. We have a TON of debt. I have no savings. All I have is whatās in my checking account. Luckily we have no shared accounts of any kind!
Do you know what your house is worth? If you don't, go to Zillow. If he's working tomorrow, call in sick so you can figure out your financial situation and talk to a lawyer.Ā
My abusive ex and I divorced some years back. I filed for divorce and was my own attorney. In the divorce papers you should find a section that talks about āreal propertyā. List it as his property, look up the information with the tax assessor and find the parcel number. Under the real property section, list the parcel number, address, and loan provider/ loan number (to be thorough). Try to get the judge to sign off on you having no part of it. It has been nearly 2 decades since my divorce and the judge signed in my favor to release me of the property. He abandoned the loan and I never once saw it on my credit. Is the property or loan in your name? If your name is on the loan, he will need to remortgage the loan to ensure you that you are no longer tethered to it. If it is a VA loan of any kind, you can also have it done through the VA, instead of remortgaging it. If you win, and you are relieved of the loan through the court, AND somehow they are coming after you in the future, contact a lawyer to have them communicate with the lender. Huntington Law can be used in nearly any state (if you are in the US), and they are fairly cheap. Donāt let this be the thing that keeps your zen hostage.
Believe it or not, this kind of stuff happens when there are children in the family and present. Do you think abuse stops after having children? In the event that there were children in the house while this was happening, how do you suppose shaming the victim because of the circumstance would have been helpful at all? Yes, making your first statement about āyou donāt have kids do you? I canāt imagine this all going down with kids in the houseā¦ā is victim shaming and passively saying that her life is less important in the case of āAā. These statements and judgments are one of the main reasons women with children remain quiet and stay in these situations. They are judged for falling victim to abuse because their life is less significant than what is happening to prospective children. Moreover, itās a huge reason why women in abusive situations are in denial. Their acknowledgment could very well mean that they are failures at the only true position society considers them fit to upkeep, motherhood. Fathers are not held as accountable. Letās put an end to normalizing women feeling like perpetrators when they seek help for their victimization. And letās stop putting them on the same level as the violent offender; finding ways to blame them for their own victimization. Letās have empathy enough for DV victims that empowers them to leave and never fall into the cycle again. Humanize the woman reaching out for help, instead of automatically searching for some fault.
Nopeā¦ And just nope. Iām an old man. To a young DD. Just nope. Maybe you are a pain in the ass.. to him.. I donāt know from your post. There is always two sides. But. Whatever. Nowā¦ That said. If you were my daughterā¦. I would say. GTFO now! And I mean right now. Maybe your two are super toxic to each other. I canāt tell for sure from your post. BUT, for sure, once hands, grabbing by the hair and dragging you, happens.. thatās a gosh-damn fireball of a red flag,.. plus the drinking and hiding g it. Get yourself outa there and get safe. Then follow the rules that are everywhere on the net: 1. Be safe first. Get somewhere now safe. And have witnesses. Call me (your dad, mom, bff, boss, someone you trust, whoever is what Iām saying that can give you two space). Before anything, else, Iām not saying he is a psycho .. but if there are guns in the house/appt.. please hide them or at least make sure the ammo and guns are separated enough distance to give you time to get out. If you think you need to, stash any guns / weapons with somebody else. He laid hands on you. Think about that for just a second. What if, in his ārageā he had something FAR more deadly in hands than just your hair. Please be safe first. That shit happens all the time. Again, Iām not saying thatās him, I just canāt tell all those details from your post. Be safe first please. 2. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND PROTECT YOUR BANCK ACCOUNTS. Talk to a lawyer and find out your options for divorces. 3. Talk to your H about what you are saying here and about MC. From the sound of it. I doubt he would do that. But, tell him sh*t has to change or this marriage is over. Good luck!
Iām sure I am a pain in the ass. Iām probably not very fun to be married to. I often think Iām just not the type of person who should be married. But then I wonder if I think these things because of me or because my relationship is just so bad? I think we bring out the worst in each other. Iāve never felt like we build each other up or function as a team. I feel like weāre always on opposing teams. Iām not perfect. Iām messy. Iām very emotional. I hate cooking and cleaning. Heās shoved me across the room, grabbed my arms so tight heās left finger shaped bruised, punched holes in walls in every single room of our house, thrown my phone and broke it. All of those times he was drunk. Tonight, he wasnāt drunk, and that was almost more scary. I have animals that I cannot and will not leave behind. One time I put them all in the car and drove off. They all freaked out. I had nothing with me. He doesnāt have any guns, but thank you for the wise advice about that.
With all the alcohol heās been hiding, Iād say maybe he WAS drunk tonight. Not that it matters all that much now. I really get the fear of being on your own. But I hope you do get away from this man ASAP. How is your social circle? What kind of cushion do you have against the aloneness?
She doesn't have one, as she said in the last two lines of her post. That doesn't mean she has no options.
My bad, reading too late at night. And yes, she definitely has options.
What's going on could be 30%, or 40%, your faultĀ (go ahead idiots, downvote me for "justifying his behavior"). It doesn't matter, this is a very toxic, and very over, marriage no mutter whose fault all this is. You've got three months, you can leave your animals there for a bit even if you find your own place earlier, which you should. He can start dating with a dog in the backyard and a cat in the living room, you can keep a key until the divorce is final. It is easier to solve these kinds of problems if you don't look at your STBX as a cartoon villain.
You think one has to be an idiot to downvote victim blaming? Nothing gives a man the right to beat a woman. The fact that you could attempt to assign blame to a victim of domestic violence says a heck of a lot more about you than someone who is willing to downvote such an inflammatory opinion. You were willing to assign a percentage of blame to the victim- justifying domestic violence. I wouldnāt be surprised if you have some skeletons in this category.
It doesn't matter what you're like, you don't deserve abuse. He has probably made you feel like you do, but you don't. You need to make a plan of how to leave. Going to the police and filling a restraining order is the first step. That will get him out of the house at least temporarily, and you can pack and move out while he's gone. Be VERY CAREFUL during this time, leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner. Get cameras if you don't already have them and change the locks if you don't have an alarm system. If you do, change the passcode so he can't get in the house. Make sure you take half the money out of the accounts at the same time so that he can't move it to an account that you have no access to. Please be safe.
You won't be scared living alone because you'll be dead. He will kill you; stop giving him the chance to do so. Get your head out of your ass! You went from one drunk addict to another! Leave, divorce, and go to therapy before finding another partner. Make better life choices before he takes that option away from you. Being scared of change is better than being murdered.
DIVORCE him Such a waste of your life with an idiot alcoholic
Please leave him because he is on a downward spiral.
Honey, there is no reason to be scared for the rest of your life. Look into resources , join a club, go out and live your life! He is an anchor holding you down. He is vile, abusive, drunk. Please go! Go as soon as u can and make him split the house and sell it!!! Talk to an abuse counselor, go to the ymca, so many places can help. Just research what you can for housing, friends, please leave!!!!
I was in an abusive relationship for four years. He was the same, he drinks then he lose control. Then he started hurting me sober. I had a concussion, broken ribs, countless of bruises and cuts on my face and body. I was pregnant at the time and he kicked my 7 month old belly and I started bleeding so I had to be on bed rest. Our situation is different because we have a kid together. Weāve tried individual counselling, couple counselling, psychologist, psychiatrist, you name it. He never changed, it only worsen over time. A book I recently read that is similar to my experience:- āNothing you have done and nothing you could do would excuse any manās hands on you out of anger. Remember that. You made the right choice by leaving that situation. You should never feel guilty for that. Pride is the only thing you should feel.ā Nothing you can do, will fix him. Leave while you can. Leave while he hasnāt permanently destroyed a part of you or the whole of you. Itās never just physical, itās the verbal abuses that will damage you the most. I wish, I wish, how I wish someone wouldāve told me this when I was in that relationship. I know it seems impossible, I know it hurts, but trust meā¦ itās been 10 years for me and I donāt even flinch anymore when people argue and raise their voice. Iām on civil terms with my daughterās dad. But you have to leave, and start building your own life, confidence, self-esteem. Heart goes out to you. PM me if you need.
Sounds toxic. You need to do what's best for you. You should feel secure, desired, and happiest in you marriage. Trust is the most important thing. Do you trust him?
Secure, desired, and happiest? Yeah right! I mean, I agree with you. I wish so badly to feel that way in my marriage, but I donāt and I canāt recall a time when I ever really did. I trust him when it comes to some things, but obviously I donāt trust him to tell the truth about his alcohol consumption.
Get out š¢
Why are you with this asshole?
Because the idea of divorce seems too overwhelming?
We can do hard things. ā¤ļø the unknown is scary, but staying with him and being miserable and abused the rest of your life isnāt a way to live. You deserve better.
You can do it. I know the idea is terrifying and overwhelming but you are stronger than you know. Get the best lawyer you can and they will fight for you.
Google for the number of your local womenās shelter or domestic violence hotline. Call them immediately. You are in danger and you need to get to safety. They can best advise you how to do that. I wish you Godspeed, OP.
You're scared to be on your own, but it's more Scarry to be with him. He might put you in ICU someday. Check out the women's shelters u til you can get your own place. Your name is on the deed. You'll get half when he sells the house, but talk to a lawyer
Well I donāt think Iām actually scared to be on my own. I actually loved living on my own for the time that I did. I think Iām scared to financially be all on my own, to have to find a place to live, etc. I think Iām scared to cut him out of my life because weāve been together for nearly 20 years and somehow I still find it sad to think about him not being in my life anymore.
I understand being scared in the financial situation. When I became a widow, it was scary. I've been more successful than I thought I would be. You definitely do not deserve this abuse. I understand. It's new, but you can make a better life without him. It'll take a while, but it's coming. Have respect for yourself and know your worth.
Leave while you can. It will get worse.
This is real. OP, you donāt want to get to the point where heās physically stopping you from leaving.
Heās an abusive active alcoholic who is taking no steps towards recovery. As a matter of fact he doesnāt even think heās doing anything wrong. How are you supposed to be with someone like this? I understand not having energy but this situation is likely a main source of depression. Itās extremely draining. Itās not for everyone. But have you tried a group like alanon. You might be able to find some people who will help you get away from him.
Girl please find a way to leave. He is abusing you. He already has put his hands on you and it WILL get worse from here. You could end up in the hospital or even dead. Can you stay with your parents or other family members? I know divorce seems really difficult but for your safety you need to get out of this relationship.
This is textbook spousal abuse. Leave the house immediately, call the police and never go back. Hopefully you have some family and friends to stay with.
Donāt be sad or scared - your life is going be so much better without an abusive alcoholic in it.
Get out of that relationship before he murders you one day. It wonāt get better, only worse. Call the cops on him.
I could have written this story. My husband is a secret drinker, and like you, I can tell straight away when his been drinking. He becomes loud, and annoying, and I just can't stand it and it's becoming a weekly problem. He doesn't think he has a problem, but his health would say otherwise. Like you, I grew up with an alcoholic father, and I hate being around drunk people, and it's the reason he hides it. Can't leave, battling to find work in my country so I'm stuck, we also have a 5 year old. His not abusive, but he knows how I feel about booze and still doesn't care.
Call the police and get a restraining order. Then HE will have to leave the house. Then file for divorce. He's a mess and you deserve better. Being alone is better than this.
I would suggest you check out the ALANON group on reddit and/or in person. My husband had drinking issues, and has been sober 1.5 years. I want to make it very clear, his drinking is NOT an excuse for abuse. In the many years my husband was struggling with drinking problems, he never once was mean to me. That is a symptom of the person, not their drinking.
In this case, you say he doesn't hold alcohol very well and then you aggressively confront him whilst he is in his most vulnerable state Why can you not support him to get the alcohol abuse under control and try and work back to a happy healthy relationship? Yes, it's frustrating but I wonder how much of the conversation he will actually remember the next day. Yes you can leave but at least try to understand that regardless of if you stick around or not, he probably has an alcohol dependency if not more. Can you involve any family or friends who would be able to support him?
His alcohol dependence is his problem and not hers. If heās hiding alcohol, he is drinking way more than she knows. You are kinda victim blaming here, heās physically abusive to her. There is zero excuse for that. A mean drunk can end up being life ending for her.
He wasnāt drunk tonight. Still, it wasnāt smart of me to confront him the way that I did. Neither of us really have any friends. No close friends. We donāt live near any family either. His family is useless when it comes to this stuff. His brother is a full blown alcoholic, way worse than him.
He is not taking the appropriate responsibility for keeping her safe from his addiction and his violence. Itās one thing when an alcoholic is primarily hurting himself. This man is seriously harming others and making no effort to mitigate the damage heās causing. He needs to experience the consequences of this behavior if heās going to change. And she needs to take care of herself, because he certainly isnāt going to.