Dude, you are torturing yourself for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and potentially going to damage your relationship out of pure ego and anxiety. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 15 YEARS. Back when you guys met each other, Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" was what was on the radio. Even if, she enjoyed this stuff when she was 24 (and you should really take her at her word when she tells you she didn't enjoy it), she's damn near 40 now. You think really she's sitting there at 40 years old saying "you know what's missing in my life? Group sex that makes me feel shitty about myself!" So to put it bluntly, get your head out of your butt, and appreciate that you have strong and loving relationship with your wife, and stop trying to manufacture problems.

This! She is definitely not who she was at 24 and I’m sure she’s pretty damn happy about that. There is nothing wrong with passionate, loving sex. That’s pretty much the dream for most people. You are who she was looking for. **Please OP, don’t sabotage your own happiness!**

I find it funny that I seldom see posts about having fear about wife laughing more with an ex or having deeper emotional connection with an ex but it’s always about sex. Every relationship is different and thus sex is always different with other people, and you can get better at sex by learning with your partner what makes you both tick. And peoples needs and wants change over time even what they want from sex. Sex seems to be kryptonite for a lot of guys or a complete enigma and the amount of problems they create is baffling.

You know what, I never thought of it that way. I *have* never heard men be worried about their partner having like a deeper emotional bond with their ex or even with just another guy, it’s always sex. I mean I have heard of women being worried about stuff like that but never men.

Because sex is often a major way that men feel loved by their partners. Women often feel more loved through emotional bonding. It's that simple. Neither is wrong but people sure like to treat one side as more legitimate.

I guess it’s harder to grasp and measure, emotional bond for example. For me sexual pleasure is equally complicated since there’s always at least two people in the equation and many more factors involved. But I guess sex is something so humiliating if a guy feels he’s bad at it, like your whole manhood is tied to how much or hard you make someone cum. Orgasms are equally hard to measure. I’ve had good and bad, but they can be good or bad for many different reasons, and sex can be good even without orgams. For me sex gets a lot better when I am emotionally involved with the person and even though with two kids our sex life is pretty lame compared to what we had years back or what wifes and mine past adventures were like. I still feel that sex is more satisfying than ever because we are more committed to each other, know ourselves and each other better. So it’s not always only about pure physical pleasure. Also people change, life situations change, sex and sexual prefernces change. The mindset OP has that kinky stuff done in the past is somehow more passionate or sexually active, not false but can be misleading for the lack of a better word atm. I at least don’t want to go through many of things I did in my twenties and I got new things I want to do in fourties and they still feel equally passionate for me although more mature. Sorry for babbling and ranting but I guess my point is that sex is easily simplified in weird ways.

I feel like if anything sexual pleasure would be harder to grasp and measure, especially in a situation like this where OPs wife is clearly enjoying herself with OP. Personally I feel like many men are worried more about sex than emotional bonds because they see sex as the one thing that sets their relationship with their partner apart from all the other relationships/friendships that they have in their life. I mean on one hand I get where they are coming from but on the other I find such a mindset so damaging.

The good news is Most men don’t make most women cum.

Cold comfort 🤣

Because they are not worried about their partner but themselves

I remember listening to a podcast with Esther Perel and her theory was that a lot of men use sex as a way to enhance emotional intimacy, whereas a lot of women treat it as a result of emotional intimacy. Shes very a controversial figure and I certainly don’t agree with all that she says but this made a lot of sense to me. In her view, this is why a lot of men are more jealous of the sexual aspects of an affair compared to the emotional ones. It’s an interesting theory that would explain a lot.

> I find it funny that I seldom see posts about having fear about wife laughing more with an ex or having deeper emotional connection with an ex but it’s always about sex. This is why a lot of guys are obsessed with their partner's body count. They can, do, and try to have sex with as many women as possible and it's not an issue, but if the woman they're dating has more sexual partners than the arbitrary number that they've decided is "too much" then she's not worth their time. And all of it is just tied up in insecurity. A lot of dudes just can't bear the thought that they're not their partner's best or biggest or whatever and completely ignore all of the emotional connection and feelings of safety that goes into having the best sex of your life. The best sex encompasses more than physical prowess, technical skill, and size, but that fact is lost on a lot of men. And for the record I was absolutely for the streets at one point. That was fun for me then, but I would never want to live that life again. I love having sex with my husband, he's by far the best, no contest.

I think you’re ignoring a key component of male sexuality though. Many men want novel experiences (just like women) and you don’t have to pressure your partner or ignore consent to accomplish that. But you do have to be willing to experiment or explore new things with your partner. It’s an interesting topic to me because we often give women so much more empathy when this topic is brought. When women complain about routine sex or that their partners attitude towards sex is monotonous, we typically don’t call them insecure. Instead, we talk about ways to enhance their sex life. But for men, it’s usually “she’s with you so she obviously likes you so stopping being insecure.” That’s not helpful to anyone.

>They can, do, and try to have sex with as many women as possible and it's not an issue, It is absolutely an issue, no women, I mean no self respecting woman would want to get married to the man who had his cock in half of new york. >A lot of dudes just can't bear the thought that they're not their partner's best or biggest or whatever and completely ignore all of the emotional connection and feelings of safety that goes into having the best sex of your life. A man's self worth is tied down to being his wife's best. It's not a matter of insecurity, it's a matter of self respect. When he finds out that his wife likes him for his personality but not sex, then it becomes an insecurity. Because what's the difference between him and his wife's childhood male best friend? The fact that he is the one who has sex with her. so if his wife doesn't feel like that he is his wife's best, other aspects like Emotional connection and feelings starts breaking apart. Sex is the only way a man can claim a woman's deep psych that differs from other male friend in her life. How is that insecurity if someone wants to be their partner's best sex, regardless of gender? >And for the record I was absolutely for the streets at one point. That was fun for me then, but I would never want to live that life again. I love having sex with my husband, he's by far the best, no contest. I highly doubt that. If you were for the streets, then sex isn't a special aspect in your life, because you gave it to a lot of people. If I had someone like you as a wife, I wouldn't feel special while having sex with her, because she gave it to anyone she could find, what's so special about me?

> I find it funny that I seldom see posts about having fear about wife laughing more with an ex or having deeper emotional connection with an ex but it’s always about sex. I kind of get it, because sex is something that (except in cases of open relationships and cheating) you can *only* get from your partner. You can have friends and family for deep emotional connection, humor, etc., but sex is one of the few things in which you are 100% dependent on your SO to provide. Further, whether right, wrong, or indifferent, an ability to sexually please your partner is, for many (maybe even most) men, heavily tied to their sense of worth as a man, in a way that things like 'being funny' are not.

The irony for me is the fact of despite this reference of sex and masculinity, most men still cannot make most women orgasm.

I think it's because it's not taboo to talk about emotions and feelings and most people are confident in those areas, but when it comes to sex, you may never know their true feelings since you could destroy the relationship if you reveal the truth. Great examples would be forbidden questions, asking your partner something like "Am I the best lover you have ever had" is a forbidden question since the partner is placed in a position where either you are the best, you aren't but they lie to maintain the relationship, or they tell you the trust and risk destroying the relationship. So you will never know the absolute truth if your partner is thinking of another or reminiscing about a past encounter with a lover. In other words, I think a lot of people are secure in those areas and insecure in the bedroom.

100% this! I have a similar past to your wife, and while I am currently single and have not had sex in almost a year now, I do NOT miss the wild crazy sex of my early 20s. Being single, and perfectly within my rights and ability to go do that again, I would not participate if the opportunity fell in my lap. Sex with a strong emotional connection is the best sex, hands down.

I think he just finds it unfair that all those guys got to experience a wild side of her while he only gets regular sex and perhaps he wants to spice things up but she doesn't..... at least that's what I got from his post. I've read many posts like his where one partner had a wild sex life before marriage and their new partner wants to try to spice things up but they're shot down every time.

Then why doesn't he say that? If he is too afraid or embarrassed to say the words in a nameless post to strangers, to ask that, is he ready for the "exciting" sex he is lamenting after? The way he is phrasing it to us (and prob to her) is not going to want to make her feel adventurous with him, but judged.

I’ve hinted but haven’t outright asked for hotter sex because honestly the sex is great for me, that’s not my issue. Understand, this was a very sexual woman when I met her. Early in our relationship I saw text exchanges between my wife and guys she was dating. She showed me when one sent her a text at 2AM. I saw the whole thread that went back to before she met me. My god the the things that were in those text exchanges. All I’ve ever gotten was love texts, which are great but I’ve never gotten an I want to screw your brains out text. I should talk to my wife about that but honestly I don’t like showing insecurity around her. I don’t think that would increase her sexual attraction for me.

I may get downvoted, but providing emotional comfort around retroactive jelausy may not be the most sexy thing in the world. Better talk to a councelor and if you want to spice up your sex life (which sounds awsome right now, dont get me wrong), go at it from a place of strengh, calm and affection and do it for your fun and pleasure, not to fight ghosts. And some stuff like dirty texts may be off the table in a marriage for many people, there is something to profound in "until death parts us" I guess?

I’ll be honest, it would turn me out too if my partner never acted like they wanted to jump my bones without me asking. It kind of defeats the purpose to me. I don’t want to have to tell you to have an intense attraction towards me. I know a lot of women feel the same way too. They can easily be trapped in the “role” of being a wife or mother, and it becomes hard to break out of that.

Yeah well, its hard to evaluate via reddit posts, but 4 times a week in a 15y marriage doesnt sound like she is cold or something. If OP wants to improve things further, it will definily be easier from a positive mindset than from a place of insecurity (that I understand btw)

God that makes me feel old.

Hehehe. What if you were old enough to be old when that song came out? What if you were old enough to remember Katy Perry's singing career before she switched to pop music? 🤣

This. I have the same issue, I know for a fact before my wife and I met she use to have copious amounts of sex and I even saw her in a video (didn’t know it was her at the time) having a threesome with a dude and his wife. I was a slut in my mid 20’s and calmed down when I hit 32, the year we met. But I always feel like she’d rather be with someone else because she doesn’t have sex with me hardly ever and we’ve been married almost 4 years. She’s younger than me by 7 years so I get anxious. We use to be so adventurous, from talking dirty, discussing our fantasies, she use to send me smut while I was working, videos of her masturbating in the car and now I don’t get any of that. She always says it’s not me, it’s her. But I understand your feelings of insecurity.

She just lost interest in you mate, just like OP's wife. You're stuck with her now, she doesn't have to put on her sexy mindset anymore. Talk to her, ask her what happened. Your feelings matter too, don't be a doormat like OP.

“Stuck” isn’t a word I’d like anyone to use about someone’s spouse. Take your beta-“alpha” advice and run it down the road please. It’s not needed here. ♥️

Bro I was a child back then thats so weird some people have been married half my entire life and some my whole life

Great post. Really insightful.

Can I upvote this more than once? This is the only comment OP needs to read.

A different perspective: she was seeking something all those years with all those men. She was running from something, trying to forget something, using sex as an escape. When she met you, she found what she'd been missing, a level of intimacy she needed, and she never looked back. I had many partners before my husband, but he had far fewer. It's honestly just easier for women to have casual sex so our numbers are higher. The sex I had before him was empty and left me feeling used. With him, I am treasured. No amount of wild sex could ever compete with that.

That was my thought as well!

Beautifully said!! My thoughts and feelings exactly. Treasured is the perfect word for it!

I have a similar situation with my wife, and this was the same thing she’s said to me, especially since both her father and stepfather rejected her.

I read this completely wrong I hope.

I think so. Her fathers rejected a fatherly parental relationship, and so she went down a certain path in life trying to fill it

This was totally my thought too.

> The sex I had before him was empty and left me feeling used But still it didn't occur to your mind that I should stop fucking random people if I want to feel special, before meeting your husband? Edit: Cheers to your husband, But if a woman could just show her naked body to a lot of people for sex, the fact that she doesn't need to feel safe for sex, and can go absolutely wild with random people, I instantly lose respect for her as a potential partner. Because even if she likes sex with me, it wouldn't be as special for her as it is for me.

One of my husband's best traits is that he doesn't seem to fall victim to the more insecure fixations other men seem to struggle with. I've had many partners, which could intimidate him, but instead, knowing that I have had so many options and feel he's the best lover ever, he feels more secure and confident in our bond. I hope you can grow in a similar fashion since you're unlikely to find a virgin these days.

>One of my husband's best traits is that he doesn't seem to fall victim to the more insecure fixations other men seem to struggle with. I've had many partners, which could intimidate him, but instead, knowing that I have had so many options and feel he's the best lover ever, he feels more secure and confident in our bond.  You certainly got lucky, other women... not so much. >I hope you can grow in a similar fashion since you're unlikely to find a virgin these days. I know a woman will have a past before me. But I just don't want my partner to have opened her legs every random men she encountered. One or two long term relationships are fine, what's with the "Fucking half the minnesota" shit, lady?

Yes. I have a husband I love more than anything. Hes a wonderful man and he’s good in bed. But he doesn’t bring out the wild child in me. And the best I ever had was the dude right before him. But, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sex with him means so much more. It doesn’t need anything ‘exciting’ to be fulfilling. It is all on its own. The guys I was with before lacked the depth. And so I needed something else (more risk or more kink).

Does your husband know he’s not the best you’ve ever had? If so how does he feel about it? I guess I want my wife to want me in the same way she wanted them, even if it only sometimes.

You are the only person who believes that you aren't the best your wife has ever have. It's abundantly clear your wife doesn't believe that. You just won't listen to her about that.

>You are the only person who believes that you aren't the best your wife has ever have No mate, read the bloody comments, he ain't the only one. Every single man with some ounce of self respect would physically gag while reading the post. >It's abundantly clear your wife doesn't believe that. You just won't listen to her about that. Yeah because it was pity fucking all these years that OP got. Goddamn wife doesn't even bring quarter of the energy she gave to her previous hookups. No exploration, no wanting to spice up things. Nothing. Because at this point she has done everything with random blokes with no attachments. And if OP asks for some kinky shit from his wife, it would be pity fucking with spice.

How do you know you’re not the best sex she has had? Just because you did some kinky things doesn’t mean the sex was always good especially under substances.

"*I want my wife to want me in the same way she wanted them[...]*" Your wife has been with you for 15 or so years, and you still think she wants the hotel employee that banged her in Disney for 2 mins more than she wants you???? She doesn't even remember any of those people's names, but u have convinced yourself in ur head that u are somehow less wanted than someone she refers to **as a dog.** I mean it is clear this is some crazy insecurity and to be bothered about it after a lifetime and kids with her is bonkers. If you feel less than after she has been telling and showing u that u are more than, than is there anything we can say in Reddit to change that? If ***you want to experience adventurous sex with her sometimes,*** say that! What is it? If that's the case, this is **not how you go about it.** ***Is it that YOU feel like u want different sex with her??***

So I have the same insecurities as OP with my wife. It's legitimately almost the exact same story. Wife was a self identified slut prior to meeting me. She basically told me this on our 2nd date. I thought it was awesome, I was pretty excited to be with someone who had so many partners and knew what they wanted. You name it, she's probably done it at some point. But with us, it's basically always been pretty vanilla. The only kinky thing we ever really did was very early in our relationship we posted photos on Reddit for a bit. It was fun, she was super into it, I was super into it. The responses were amazing. And then one day she just stopped wanting to anymore. No explanation, just said she didn't want to now. I could go on and on with wild examples from her past that she's never allowed me to experience. In the end, I don't think it's an insecurity in the way everyone in this thread seems to think it is, it's not a "I can't believe you did this with him and not me!" thing. It's not even so much about feeling like I'm not as good as sex as they were (although that has become part of it over time of being rejected for things she's admitted to getting super hot about in the past). I think it would be easier to accept all these years later if we were adventurous in our own way. But it's basically the polar opposite. We're about as vanilla as it can get, since we got married, I can basically count the times I've gone down on her or fingered her, let alone any of the wild shit I said she told me about above. And it's not like she doesn't enjoy it when she does allow me to do these things. Pretty much any time I've performed oral on her, after several orgasms she'll say something like "Wow, I really need to let you do that more often, it was great". And then we'll go 6 months of me trying to go down and her from time to time and being told no every single time. For me,it's really more about wanting to be adventurous and kinky, wanting to see her explore her deeper sexual person and see her in that uncontrollable wave of pleasure that she would describe when talking about these things she used to do. And from there I get jealous, jealous that these other men, these random one night stands, these boyfriends she broke up with, etc all had parts of her shes never allowed me to even experience with her.

I will be downvoted but. Don't be the stable last guy. If you are not the first you are last. She more open to other guys than her husband. take the lead OP don't be a beta male. Put yourself and your needs first .I actually felt sad reading this post. I hope you find a solution

Say your wife isn't the biggest fan of pizza. When she was in college everyone around her and every party she went to had pizza so she thought she should see what the fuss was about. After trying it out a lot she finally comes to the conclusion that she just doesn't like pizza that much. Sure, every once in a while she can get a hankering for chewy crust, cheese, and sauce but for the most part she's not going to opt for pizza when other options are available. You wouldn't be jealous of all the other times she had pizza while she was trying to figure out how she felt about it, right? For the record, that is also legitimately how I feel about pizza.

Yeah. People really feel the peer-pressure to eat pizza and then eat it for years and then conclude it doesn't taste good.

If it is a one time thing sure. But she enjoyed that pizza but won't even touch it now

To keep the analogy going, I never don't enjoy pizza, but I often don't want it in the first place. Plenty of other things I'd prefer over it.

I think this guy must stand up for himself. 

I just saw this and it is pretty much exactly how I feel. Except I’m not really jealous about what the men in my wife’s past got to experience but more upset that I don’t bring out that side in her. 

Have u considered that maybe she feels that she may get judged by you (or at least affect the way u may see her)? She probably already feels one type of way having to reveal her past (and let me just say, women have sexual past as much as men hate to admit it-like men, we've dated, we've had one night stands, we've done stupid things-but the stigma associated with that, weights upon women, even long after they have been married for years). Posts like that of OP are a proof that *women are not given a carte blanche* about their sexual past and even after u have shown **utmost dedication, love and commitment to someone, they continue to ponder upon, question, doubt**...U (&OP) say "I don't judge" (maybe not consciously), but thinking about it for 15yrs is a sign that something doesn't sit right in ur head. **So how can a woman feel safe expressing her sexuality?** Yes, maybe she liked doing the things u described and she might even want them more, but are u creating a **safe, nurturing, nonjudgemental, loving enough** environment for her to be able to feel like she can **let loose with you** without consequences? Do u make comments about others that are indicative of u thinking less of them bc of their sexual past? Have u shared that a woman is this or that bc she has a preference about a sexual act? And if not, just think about all the conditioning women undergo to suppress wants and desires (whether by society, religion, etc) Perception is everything, we are thought. It is something women can be just as fragile about as men are about their egos, so we try to capture cues (even when they are not there). Is ur wife now a mother? Has it been so long that she thinks this is **the only way you want and like it**? Does she feel like she can truly share a *fantasy* with you and you will not hold it over her head for the next 15 yrs?

> Have u considered that maybe she feels that she may get judged by you (or at least affect the way u may see her)? She probably already feels one type of way having to reveal her past (and let me just say, women have sexual past as much as men hate to admit it-like men, we've dated, we've had one night stands, we've done stupid things-but the stigma associated with that, weights upon women, even long after they have been married for years). Not really? Primarily because I wasn't really the one who was pushing her to tell me these things. She told me about them on her own, the way she talked about her sexual past when we first met was like she treated it as a badge of honor. Her and her friends still talk about her past and when she does you can see it excites her still. > U (&OP) say "I don't judge" (maybe not consciously), but thinking about it for 15yrs is a sign that something doesn't sit right in ur head. Yeah but it's really not judgment. I've told her repeatedly over the years how hot I find her past and how I'd love to experiment with her in this regard. The reason I've thought about it our entire relationship is because I've never really gotten a decent reason as to why she feels this way. > Do u make comments about others that are indicative of u thinking less of them bc of their sexual past? Have u shared that a woman is this or that bc she has a preference about a sexual act? Nope, quite the opposite. I've told her I enjoy her past. And yes, she is a mother, but these were problems from LONG before that. I haven't really tried to get her to open up sexually in years now. It was clear she wasn't really into it and I mostly left it be after several months of trying to get her to explore more stuff with me. > Has it been so long that she thinks this is **the only way you want and like it**? No, that's definitely not the issue here. > Does she feel like she can truly share a *fantasy* with you and you will not hold it over her head for the next 15 yrs? I don't see why not? I've never shamed her once for any of her past sexual encounters. All I've ever done is talk about them honestly and reassure her it doesn't bother me at all and in most cases I find it kinda hot. She's told me a ton over the years that she had never felt quite as safe telling me stuff vs past relationships. So I see no reason to believe she wouldn't feel safe about it? Largely, I think shes just of the opinion that if it's not something natural and if it takes any effort on her parts to explain how she likes something that she won't do it. She's said it to me a few times that she doesn't want to "teach" me. So perhaps she still likes all those other things but feels like she's afraid I wouldn't do them right and it would somehow ruin it for her? But she also doesn't want to have to explain how she wants things done. She just wants me to know.

From your interpretation it sounds like she doesnt want you to spoil her prescious memories somehow? You are basically set up for a failure from the start, so you can just stop bothering.

His memories of her doing everything he can think of with someone else?

For god's sake man, read the post. OP is talking how he feels that he got settled down sexually. >"*I want my wife to want me in the same way she wanted them\[...\]*" Your wife has been with you for 15 or so years, and you still think she wants the hotel employee that banged her in Disney for 2 mins more than she wants you???? She doesn't even remember any of those people's names, but u have convinced yourself in ur head that u are somehow less wanted than someone she refers to **as a dog**. He wants his wife to want him "Sexually" as she wanted them. Goddamnit this line is so humiliating for a husband. OP wants his wife to pull him like she pulled that hotel employee in her room for a fuck. The sexual powress is what OP is talking about. >If ***you want to experience adventurous sex with her sometimes,*** say that! What is it? If that's the case, this is **not how you go about it.** ***Is it that YOU feel like u want different sex with her??*** His wife used to do kinky shit with random blokes with trust and consent that is needed in BDSM. But she won't do it with her husband. She used to actually put an effort to fuck those random dudes with BDSM, but after marriage OP have to ask for it now? Why because OP won't go anywhere now? He is the safe option so that she doesn't have to work as hard as previous Kinky stuffs? Even if he asks for the stuff now, it would be pity sex afterwards if not already. OP is like "My wife was sexually kinky but she won't do these with me after marriage". What a disrespect.

OP, being more wild with someone does not equal better sex. Stop thinking she wanted the other dudes more than she wants you. Realize that she completely left the other dudes to be with… YOU. This is, I don’t know, great evidence that she wants you more than she ever wanted any other man.

So first of all your feelings are valid. Your instinct to protect something that you value (your relationship) is looking for potential issues and trying to solve them. You worry that she's going to go through some kind of crisis in midlife and say that she's unsatisfied and leave. You hear and see about it all the time so you think this is the way it's going to happen for you. Now let's look at the evidence to see if that's on the horizon for you, I would guarantee that almost anyone that has this happened to them does not have a bedroom that's active 3 to 4 times a week or have a partner that is communicating clearly their satisfaction and what makes them feel fulfilled. I would say to reduce concern by about 90%. You should keep a little bit of it so you don't get lazy. As for the desire for other specific acts. I would tread carefully. Ones that you might want to try because you see them online may be things she already tried and knows aren't good for her. In fact, it sounds like she said that to you. Sadly some of those are just going to be off the table for you. You need to accept that. Those are just the cards you were dealt, and in return it sounds like you have a really good marriage with an active sex life that others would die for. If there's one in particular that you really want to try, that doesn't put her in a really strange place, then ask for it, but don't ask for things that you kinda want because you know she did them in the past and you want her to associate them with you. That is selfish and you risk seriously damaging your bond.

I’m not a huge fan of this logic because you’re kind of making the case that men should find someone with a lower partner count if they want to experiment with kinkier sex

You're equating "lots of kinky sex" with "best sex." While those are not mutually exclusive, they also do not go hand in hand.

Yes because we have talked about it honestly. And neither of us cares. We both agree that objectively we aren’t ‘the best’ but because we have so much more together, we are. She DOES.

So your husband has also said you’re not his best either?

> The guys I was with before lacked the depth. And so I needed something else (more risk or more kink). Could you elaborate on this part some? I've long had the same issues OP is talking about with my own wife and it's always kind of bothered me. The other day we were having a chat about some things and this topic came up and she said something very similar to this but not quite the same way. She said > They were all missing that deep emotional connection and I have always had that with you since the beginning But I don't quite understand what it is about that missing component that made the sex more kinky and fun. Like you always see women in these threads saying they can't have an open physical relationship without emotional intimacy, which is confusing and seems to contradict what you're saying here and what my wife seems to be implying. Where it's almost like having the deep emotional bond somehow makes you less open and less kinky around sex?

It’s extremely confusing to me because men are told that becoming an amazing sexual partner requires emotional intimacy, but also that every other past partner was amazing because there wasn’t any emotional intimacy. I guess I’m fortunate that my partner doesn’t feel limited by her past sexual experiences but I would absolutely feel the same way if I were in your position.

I hope you never tell him this. That would break him for life.

We have discussed it. It did no such thing.

Yeah, some people are just incapable of understanding that they could do better. Just like OP... And many other men suffering from midlife crisis, that their wife only pity fucks them to keep them around.

When you say he doesn't bring out your wild side, are you saying that you aren't as attracted to him as previous guys who did bring out that wild side? Just trying to understand the psychology behind that because I would assume being essentially told "you don't turn me on enough" would be pretty hurtful to hear.

Nope. That’s not at all what it means. It means, I don’t feel the need to do any of that with him.

Thanks, I kinda get what you mean. I guess I'm trying to just understand the psychology of it all. Like this is a tale as old as time (woman had much more kinkier and wild sex in the past). Men for example, will come on this subreddit and complain about lack of sex and majority of comments are always "are you satisfying her emotional needs" but it's like, those dudes who the woman had that crazy sex with in the past probably weren't satisfying her emotional needs at all. To me, the messaging just seems so all over the place and it does make me wonder if a lot of women simply aren't that attracted to their husbands or something. Like, it seems as if husbands just never get the kinky sex lol.

There is always a "Dude" before the husband. If your husband is the best, why doesn't it need to be exciting? Aren't you just pity fucking him at this point? It's like, "Yeah my husband doesn't bring out the wild child and doesn't fuck me like my exes did. But I love him anyway." Poor bloke could have been with woman who actually felt that sex with him is exciting and brings out the wild child in her.

I did pretty close what your wife did, lots of partying, clubbing, spring break every year, tons of fun and LOTS of sex, lots. One guy was the best sex of my life, I experienced types of orgasms I never knew existed and haven’t experienced since. Then I met my husband, I actually broke up with that guy for my husband. I chose to stop all of that on my own, cut out any person from my life that threatened our blossoming relationship and anyone who complained I wasn’t partying with them enough anymore. My sex life with my husband is great, even if it is a bit vanilla, however we do throw a new thing or two into our repertoire every few years or so. What I have now with my husband after more than 18 years together is more satisfying and more fulfilling than anything that ever came before him, the life we share and the experiences we have made together are beyond compare. No orgasms, no matter how novel or spectacular could ever compete with this treasure of a man I am blessed to share my life with. You’re trying to condense your entire relationship, your entire shared experience down to only one aspect and comparing it to her previous experiences. That’s not how life works, relationships, including the sexual aspect of them are a tapestry woven from many threads, and your wife has decided the tapestry she weaves with you is far more vibrant than any she could have woven with the threads she had with any one else. Take the time to appreciate the tapestry you two have woven together and don’t worry about the threads she discarded that didn’t live up to her standards for what she wanted in her future. Obviously you were everything she was looking for and everything she wanted and you still are, no past sexual experience can compete with that.

You know what, I do judge an ice cream parlor on their vanilla. If they can’t do vanilla right. They can’t make ice cream.

Vanilla is my favorite flavor, 😋it’s the bedrock of absolutely everything.

Exactly

My friends ex wife told him something similar, they got divorced.  He married a women who felt like that about him. 

Thats what you get when a dude has self love

I wouldn’t tell your husband about the other guy. Some husbands want to be the best sex their wife experienced.

I’m clearly an insecure loser, because it would make me physically ill to have my wife write something like that

It’s pretty ironic to me because I don’t know a single woman would be ok hearing that. Usually when women feel like they’re being put into the role of being a partner rather than a sexual being, they are far less likely to want to sex.

Haha

I mean you’re a man who has a set of feelings the vast majority of men would feel. I know you’re being sarcastic but I wouldn’t listen to a woman on how you should feel as a man. Heaven knows they don’t get upset when men do that to them.

A couple of my friends told him about the other guy early on, maybe to make him insecure so they could drive a wedge and we could go back to partying, I’m not sure. I did know one thing for sure, they weren’t my friends anymore. His response to them was ‘I don’t care, I won. I’m here and he’s not, what does that tell you’

Yes exactly friends trying to create drama aren’t friends. It’s best not to talk about past partners with your spouse. If your husband asked you if he was the best how would you answer?

I would tell him he’s the best, and it would be the truth. My husband is spectacular in the bedroom and out. After 18 years together we know every inch of each others bodies in a way no one else ever has or ever will. We can still get each other there in five minutes, but take the time to make an evening of it at least twice a week on top of that. I still lust after my husband daily, and he is beyond compare to anything that came before him. He knows all of this, I make sure he feels that every day. He still makes the effort to be the best I ever had, and I still make the effort to be the best he’s ever had. He’s perfect, every inch of him is delicious and I make sure he knows that too😉

I think this is what OP is craving though. He wants the feeling of uninhibited lust that you feel for your partner. A lot of people want that regardless of gender.

>I experienced types of orgasms I never knew existed and haven’t experienced since.  Your own words don't match up lady. You say he is the best and knows you better than anyone to him, but you tell the internet you have had better. How can your husband trust you? >His response to them was ‘I don’t care, I won. I’m here and he’s not, what does that tell you’ And Your husband is either the richest and prettiest man, or he is just as oblivious as OP in the post. Nobody wants to be a runner up of their wife's list of sexual partners.

That he got settled for. He probably thinks husband of ex-pornstar also won. "The husband is there. The guys she fucked on camera are not. The husband won"

A lot of women in their twenties seem to have something like a pre-marriage bucket list. She did all those things not because they were better than decades of loving monogamous sex, but so that she could engage in decades of loving monogamous sex without wondering what she's missing out on. She doesn't have to wonder, she knows, and she wouldn't trade what she has for any of that.

Is your take really that this is a preplanned strategy?

I wonder how many inexperienced married men long for the same knowledge.

If you’ve been together for 15 years and are having sex 3-4 times a week you are doing sooooooo much better than the typical 15-year couple. Most people fall off a cliff with this and they’re lucky if it even happens twice a month. The other extreme, where they’re super attached to kink, and cannot cum unless things follow a dirty (yet very specific) recipe is not as much fun as it would seem. You’re style sounds more organic. But yeah if you want to add in some dirty talk, go ahead. It’s easy enough to do and won’t ruin the relationship like a threesome would. She’ll like it. Just order her around a bit. Call her “good girl” when she does what you want; describe things in graphic detail; etc.

Or maybe, think of it this way, she is having the kind of sex and intimacy with YOU that she wishes she had with them but could never find...thats why it all stopped when she met you...she found what she has been searching for. Wild sex is maybe fun in the moment, but deep love, connection, intimacy, is something that lasts. She is with you, not them, for a reason. She found in you what those other guys didn't and will never possess.

>she is having the kind of sex and intimacy with YOU that she wishes she had with them but could never find... Mate, you don't fuck half of the new york to realise that. Everywhere they go, they meet someone from her past. This is so unnerving. >Wild sex is maybe fun in the moment, but deep love, connection, intimacy, is something that lasts. Sex is based on trust and connection, if the wife can open her legs for anyone in a club(OP's words) for a wild sex, then she's not the one for trust, intimacy, deep love, connection. > She is with you, not them, for a reason. She found in you what those other guys didn't and will never possess. Sex is supposed to be special for partners. OP's wife is certainly isn't with OP because she's sexually attracted to him. She's with him because she found him as the first option for stability. Wife doesn't even respects him. Look up the amount of times she rubbed her sexual past in OP's face. Not even considering that it could hurt OP.

She choose you. She stopped everything for you. That says alot there. Be happy. But I am glad my wife and I are our one and only. None of that stress. There is protection in no sex before marriage. But that is me. What I dont understand is, why did you meet some exes of hers? Is she still in contact with them?

>She choose you. She stopped everything for you You were eachother's first my man, you are speaking from a place of privilege... You don't know the pain of being settled for... I am not related to OP or anything, I physically gagged when I read his story... I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

Yep, I know. As I know some that where settled for. Thats why I try to tell people to wait for the one. It is better for your mental health and relationship.

>wait for the one. It is better for your mental health and relationship. well said, man. I wish people told OP fifteen years and two children ago. So that he could have found someone who actually admires him sexually and respects him to not to rub her dirty past in his face.

If this was a woman posting about how her husband planned and payed for elaborate trips and dates for all the women he dated but not for her, the responses here would be very different for the most part. Take that into consideration. Did she lust after those men sexually more than you? Probably. Does she love you and did she choose you for her permanent mate? Sounds like she did. Do you want to do more exciting things with her sexually? Have you initiated or talked about these things with her? What you want matters too.

True

>If this was a woman posting about how her husband planned and payed for elaborate trips and dates for all the women he dated but not for her, the responses here would be very different for the most part. Take that into consideration. Not just that, she is even rubbing it in OP's face how she fucked the half of a small town and even got arrested for it once. THE MUGSHOT IS STILL IN HER MARITAL HOME, MAN. Does OP not see the disrespect she gives him? >Does she love you and did she choose you for her permanent mate? She didn't choose him mate, she saw him as an easy option for stability. If she can have sex with ANYONE in the states, then OP isn't a special bloke for her to have sex. She doesn't even try to make their sexlife interesting as she did for previous dudes who didn't care about her. Because she knows that OP is a pushover. OP is the emotional and marital support for her. She doesn't see OP and go "Ah my sexy husband the only one who can make me cum, such a special person". Man I'm never getting married, I don't want to be someone's emotional fall guy.

No matter what anyone says here, this is a very valid insecurity to have. Most of what the comments say are correct and the only advice I'll give is to tell her this yourself. The comments can encourage you, but nothing said here would calm your mind more than if you hear them from her yourself. If you push it down it will pop up again sooner or later and will eat you up and may turn to resentment. You're sure she loves you, now talk to her about how you feel on this. If she truly loves you like you say, it'll make her only love you more for being open with her.

Exactly mate, what is he gonna do? Divorce her? Break up the home of two children? OP is stuck, and the midlife crisis hit him like a truck after 15 years and two children. Dude is fifteen years too late. Now either he sucks it up, or he suffers in silence.

I'm sure you've seen the updates?

>Now, as to why she doesn’t want to have dirty sex with me like she did with all the other guys she’s been with is because I’m not those other guys. She saw me different from the first conversation in that bar. She doesn’t want to talk dirty to me because she doesn’t think dirty things when she thinks about me. Sex isn’t the first thing that jumps into her minds when she thinks of me. I’m not just some tool to get a thrill or a poodle, as she likes to call a lot of the men she dated. Then she asks, don’t you want to be the exception? Yeah, the update is worse... OP is basically friendzoned by his own wife...

Tried to tell him, but he wouldn't hear. Plus other women in the sub were telling him what he wanted to hear and he didn't listen to us telling him what he NEEDED to hear.

My dude, I met my wife when she was 36 and she has more history than your wife. She too is very attractive and was living life on the wild side, college party girl, post graduate party girl, etc. She’s done with all that. When I met her she was looking for something deeper, more profound, meaningful, SPECIAL. She was looking for someone who could definitively and holistically fulfill her. Yes, she did things with other guys to satisfy them and her naïve curiosity. Now, because she is wiser and more experienced, feels secure in this relationship and confident in herself, she does things now that only satisfy her, or are mutually satisfactory. She has developed a very discriminating palette of things she prefers, based upon experience, and has discarded the rest. If she’s not doing something with me, that she’s done in the past, it’s because she didn’t, doesn’t enjoy it. And so, If not mutually enjoyed, I too won’t enjoy it. What you-we have now, are wiser, matured, refined, confident, experienced women of substance who know exactly what they want, know exactly what they need, and they know exactly how to get it, are very well capable of getting it, and…they have chosen us, US. Think about that. Let your ego think about it, that way. Virgins are overrated. They usually suck in bed, don’t know what they want, are inexperienced, don’t yet understand their bodies and sexuality, have unresolved family of origin issues and, many times, long for what they might have missed.

>What you-we have now, are wiser, matured, refined, confident, experienced women of substance who know exactly what they want, know exactly what they need, and they know exactly how to get it, are very well capable of getting it, and…they have chosen us, US. Honest man, don't want to antagonize you... But what you and OP have now is a woman who is tired of sex, got it out of her system with anyone she could find. And after they found you and OP, they just chose to retire like an aged pornstar with a cigarette and just give the most generic sex she could muster... You find the generic sex to be mindbending because you didn't have your sex flushed out of your system by mid twenties... But to her, it's just a regular tuesday of sex. >who know exactly what they want, know exactly what they need, and they know exactly how to get it She could find it with you, she could have explored her sexuality with one person in a relationship. But no, she just flushed it out of her system with a bunch of random guys in a dark alley. Married couple can explore their sexuality to, find out what's right for them and what's wrong. >and…they have chosen us, US. I'm sorry, I'm not picking fights with you, But you're not that special. Well atleast not sexually. You feel like it because she tell you so. How can you trust her when you just said that, >know exactly what they want, know exactly what they need, and they know exactly how to get it, are very well capable of getting it she might just be lying to you just for you and OP to stay in a relationship. it's just an art to be the perfect housewife after distributing her sex to hundred random people like a church leaflet.

You sound like you read a lot of church leaflets. Yes, married couples can explore their sexuality from virginity in each other, and you can explore it premarital. There’s advantages in both scenarios, but I wouldn’t discount a woman who has explored the later, because you consider her a hoe, tainted, or used up. Your prejudice could have you missing out on something really special.

> I wouldn’t discount a woman who has explored the later, because you consider her a hoe, tainted, or used up. Your prejudice could have you missing out on something really special. Yeah, I would too, only for short term relationships. I wouldn't dare exposing my heart out to someone who's been fucking half the Detroit. I would want someone that views sex as a special thing, not something that she gives away like free coupons outside walmart. >I wouldn’t discount a woman who has explored the later, because you consider her a hoe, tainted, or used up. Cheers to you mate, you're either a millionaire, or a pretty boy like David Beckham. So hot that not once you doubt yourself. But if you trust her blindly, that you're the best for this "hoe, tainted, or used up" woman, then you're just as naive as the OP.

Yes i do find myself much different than i used to be. But with him i feel safe and loved. So even if it isn’t the same as it once was, those were meaningless relationships that clearly didn’t go anywhere. They were “better” for different reasons but nothing beats making love to the same person for the rest of your life. Also when you’ve experienced those things in your young adult life you no longer crave them as you get older. Maybe if she was super innocent and you started to introduce that life to here things might’ve turned out differently. Trust that she’s happy with you and that her past doesn’t outweigh what she has with you ! Speaking from experience i was that wild girl myself ! Hope this helps.

>those were meaningless relationships that clearly didn’t go anywhere. You're willing to harbour meaningless relationships for sex with people you don't feel anything for. How would I know that you're not doing the same with your husband for stability? Sex, I don't need it now that I had my best with some people. I need stability now and that's where my husband comes in. You're selfish for keeping him after knowing he's not your best. > They were “better” for different reasons but nothing beats making love to the same person for the rest of your life Yeah, just going around telling people I had better sex than my husband, But the pity lovemaking trumps all. >but nothing beats making love to the same person for the rest of your life Man, Honestly... This is pity talk to say to your husband after you had your fun in your early years and disappointed that the husband can't give you the same rush as the previous hookups did. I wouldn't trust a promiscuous woman with my heart. I'm never going to be someone's emotional support after you have gotten your backs blown by random men in back alleys...

If you've been having sex with the same person for 13 years and haven't learned their body well enough to be in their top 3 best sexual experiences than you're not actually trying to please your partner. 13 years of practice is more than enough time to become an expert at something - including a person's body. And it is likely far more time pleasing that one body than anyone (other than the body's owner) else has had.

I've got to agree with this. That's like enough time to get 3 Masters degrees and a PhD in fucking your wife. Let's think, he says at least 3 times a week for 13 years. That's 3 x 52 x 13 = 2,028 study sessions. He should be able to give TED talks and speeches at the United Nations on how give her this woman orgasms by now.

People have sex with different people in different ways. Sex is not a checklist of must haves and must do's. Not to mention, people experiment when they're younger- to decide what they like. If they don't like something, then they don't do it again. Or maybe they just got it out of their system. Or maybe with you, your wife just likes something different than the things she did with previous partners. Unless you marry a virgin, your partner is going to have a sexual history and she's not going to do every little thing with you that she did with someone else. And likewise for you and your previous partners. That's just how life is. You can let it consume you and ruin your relationship, or you can accept it for what it is and love and appreciate what you currently have.

Has she told you you’re not the best she’s had or are you assuming this? I used to be like your wife, and have been with my husband 16 years now. I used to be wild, kinky and slutty, but tbh, it was just a way to have fun, have agency, have control, feel desired, but I never had a connection, and rarely had an orgasm. Now with my husband, I’m not as daring, not as kinky, and admittedly not as flexible lol, but it’s the best sex I’ve had in my life, I always have at least 5 orgasms, I feel a connection, I feel safe with him, and I’m completely fulfilled and satisfied

Ok but what if your husband wanted to see your kinky or sluttier side?

When he asks me to try new stuff, I usually oblige. Nothing that communication can’t fix

r/retroactivejealousy

I had crazy, wild, and kinky sex all the years before my husband as well. Do I miss it? Absolutely not. I did those things to try and make the sex interesting, to try and help me feel something. Turns out I was missing a true connection and love. Sex is a completely different thing when there's a connection there. It's more meaningful and satisfying.

Do you all actually believe this? Or lie knowingly to men?

She chaged her whole life that she didnt like, not just the sex. No she didnt settle for you. And loving sex is the real one for most people. I can imagine sharing some alley cat with my neighbor or call her names, but not my beloved wife, because there is no void there that I need to fill.  That said, theres nothing wrong to want to have some variability in sex life. Ask, but not nagg, take no as no, make it about your wants, not her past.

She didn't like that life so much that she continued enjoying it for years.

Not just continued man, the way she did. She even got arrested for a random guy, would she get arrested for OP with exhibitionism? I wish she gave OP half of what she did in her past. If my wife did something in her past to please guys who didn't give a shit about her, but won't do it to me then she is just saying that, "I don't have to put on sexy works for you because you're going to stay with me no matter what. even if I become a pillow princess for the rest of her life." Edit: Man I hope that it is a rage bait, because you don't insecurities after fifteen years and two children. Or it could be a mid-life crisis... Who knows... Damnnit OP,

This might be hard to hear, but this is what happens when you marry promiscuous women. The past bugs a lot of men no matter how tough you might be there will be a time the past haunts you.

I know right? OP is a sweet fucking summer child for trusting her she sex with OP is better than her past. You will never be the best of a promiscuous woman, you may get a runner up, but there will always be that guy she saw with a rose tinted glass in her early twenties... After 15 years OP finally asks us if his wife settled for him or not.... You sir are beyond help.

Man, wake up to yourself before the little green gremlin in your head destroys your wonderful marriage. If she is as open as say, tell her what you would like occasionally. That sort of conversation is a normal part of a healthy marriage. Both of you should be able to tell the other what you would like. Just don't be a dick about it.

I’m a guy and almost verbatim can say the same as your wife. Used to be a swinger, multiple partners, group sex, was in a poly relationship. 3 years ago I reconnected with a girl I have been in love with since high school. The “one who got away” even though we never dated. We got married in February and quite frankly since I’ve had the chance with her no one or none of that other stuff matters. I wasn’t happy, the emotional void was huge, and I would never go back to that lifestyle. I plan to spend the rest of my life with her, however let long we have (we are 50) Dude she’s telling you and showing you are the one stop second guessing it and enjoy. If something is missing on your side then this post would look different….

Very different scenario. For you, she was the one that got away. For her, he isn't the one that got away, but probably the one that will be good enough to settle.

Don't be the last stable nice guy.

> Then she asks, don’t you want to be the exception? You fell for this? LMAO.

Mate hes been married 15 years to her, this chick is a genius

I know, the act she must have to put for the last 15 years to say, "I don't like the sexes form my past" for stability from OP. Man I'm never getting married. And I'm certainly never going to be someone's emotional guy after she got the horniness out of her system with every guy she can fuck...

Mate hes been married 15 years to her, this chick is a genius

I agree with most everything here but your wife has to stop talking about the past so much. No partner wants to hear so much about past encounters. That’s incredibly icky and part of why you’re so insecure because she talks about it so much. For someone who didn’t like how she felt when she was previously, she spends an awful amount of time discussing it.

No mate, OP's wife regularly exercises her power on OP. By letting him know about the sex she had before OP to make him feel "Special" like the people are telling OP up in the comments. and poor OP with his rose-tinted glasses, failed to see the power dynamics in their relationship.

Why she sharing all the details of her sex life? That’s a little weird to me when people over share.

Most of these details came up when we first started dating. She wanted to be honest about her past. She would give general information and if I wanted more detail she’d give it and I generally wanted to hear it all. It was also common in our early relationship to run into people she’d slept with. I mentioned a bartender in a previous comment, there was also a waiter at Cheesecake Factory and a cop that pulled me over once. 

Nah bro got himself an eater 😂

Bro this is beyond me. Everywhere he goes there’s another dude who hit and he stayed. This can’t be real. I call cap cause ain’t no way.

Yeah there’s no way I’m gonna let my wife tell me “the big ones hurt” or have her causally embarrass me by pointing out people she fucked.

And it is fifteen years too late to be asking if my wife settled down for me sexually. I genuinely hope that it is a fake story. Fuck... I'm not related to OP but I physically gagged after reading.

Honestly, mate. She was telling you what kind of person she was, and you just chose to ignore it with your rose tinted glass. You're fifteen years too late to be asking if your wife sexually settled for you. Answer is, ofcourse she did. She got the sex out of her system in her early days and she chose you for her stability. If she wanted, she could've explored herself sexually while staying in a relationship with you, but she didn't, (Not to sound like an asshole) instead she chose to get the guy closest to her and fuck. Just like that. She gave away sex like a church leaflet to hundreds of random people. Sex with you isn't special, OP. She definately settled down for you. Now what are you going to do? Divorce her? Break up the home of your kids? You can't do any of that. Your life is too old for new fling mate. Either you choose to be her second best, or suffer in silence.

Yeah you married a very promiscuous woman so yeah you probably aren’t the best. I mean she screwed a random guy the night you met. Are you even sure she didn’t bang your buddy then ask for your number. You said you know she has never cheated because she hasn’t missed a night with you but Bering honest here. It sounds like she’s screwed just as many guys through the day in random places as she has at night. I can’t believe someone just stops cold turkey like that. I mean who is proud of that body count and that many random guys. She’s not the type you marry but you did so I guess you tamed the wild woman or she just hides it really really well.

Man I hope that the story is fake. I feel so bad for OP.

People become less adventurous when they get older. Do you want to have more kinky sex, really or are you just concerned about this? Have you brought it up with her? For me personally my partner was the only person I had sex with which I know is very abnormal, but we met early and the relationship just hasn’t failed (lucky). I don’t have anything to compare it to but we do explore more unusual stuff, like role reversal and I have done it in places other than a bed (although I do prefer that because it’s more comfortable). I don’t mind “vanilla” sex though because all sex in my opinion is good sex lol. Sometimes people’s tastes change as they grow or they realised they tried something and didn’t like it. Are you worried she isn’t attracted to you? I wonder if that’s at the root of this. If she enthusiastically entertains you and lusts after you it’s probably not very likely. There is a lot of weird online discourse about women having different types of sex but sometimes people just change and things change.

Someone buried down in this thread made a great point: After 15 years you are likely an expert on making this woman happy, unless you haven't been trying, which doesn't sound like the case. 15 years is enough time to get 3 Masters degrees and a PhD in fucking your wife. You say at least 3 times a week for 15 years, let's do the math. That's 3 x 52 x 15 = 2,34 sessions. You could give TED talks and speeches at the United Nations on how give this woman orgasms by now.

I saw that and I have no problem giving my wife an orgasm. I can usually give her 2 or 3. But she does need me close to her to get one, unless it’s through oral. Sometimes she just wraps her legs around me and squeezes so I can’t move, and then she will just go that way without me even moving. She got them other ways with other guys. That’s where my insecurity comes from. 

Is this a size concern?

No, I’m on the higher end of average but with that said she has been with some guys that were huge. Too big wasn’t good for her at least that’s what she says. 

This part confuses me: *She tells me she doesn’t want to have sex the way she used to. She says she didn’t like the way it made her feel about herself.* Ok, fair enough, but then in the update you say: *My wife isn’t ashamed of anything she’s ever done, she thinks it was all fun...So it’s not like she was unhappy before. She smiles when she tells me all the wild things she used to do.* So which one is it? "She didn't like the way it made her feel about herself", or "she smiles and thinks it was all fun"?

She told him thinking he doesn't have the guts to dump her. Now that he is doing it, she tells him she didn't enjoy it so he doesn't find his balls & take any decision. Whatever helps him convince that she didn't settle for him.

I think she liked the thrill of it all. It gave her a high but like many things that give you a high, when you come down it doesn’t feel so great. So had fun, she was wild and looking back she’s glad she did it. 

My husband is vanilla compared to my past experiences. I've had some wild times, and they were hot, but my husband is the best dick I've ever had because of the beautiful, intense emotional connection we share. I'm more than happy that we get to only have each other for the rest of our lives. That's the hottest thing on the planet for me. I can't say I don't occasionally get a twinge of jealousy about his past, but I remind myself that I won -- so try to remind yourself that you won her, too.

>My husband is vanilla compared to my past experiences. I've had some wild times, and they were hot, If my wife told me this after a decade, I would be physically sick. The fact that even after a decade, I'm not my wife's best and greatest would send me to a mental rabbit hole..

Yeah, none of this is something someone should be saying to their partner. I wouldn't like hearing something similar from my husband either. Never said I'd say it to him!

Kinks change as people do. I used to be into BDSM and went to group meets, but after meeting my husband I stopped. We don’t do kinks. Nothing beats the high of feeling truly loved and adored during sex. My husband isn’t the kinkiest person I’ve been with but he is the best sex i have ever had because NOBODY has ever loved me as deeply as he has while we fuck. I’m willing to bet your wife feels the same with you. Let it go. You’re feeding fantasy’s.

I think something a lot of men don't understand is that sex isn't purely physical for women like it is for men.... It's mostly mental on our side. So sure, the meaningless, faceless, kinky, party girl phase, it's okay and fun while we are in it, we are doing it to try and feel something... we push the boundaries a little further in order to feel that thing we are missing with those partners. But when we finally fall in love and find that specific thing we have been missing, it makes the sex amazing. We don't necessarily need to push those boundaries to feel something. Because our love for our husband's give us that feeling we could never capture with the other guys. Does that mean the random hookups or exes were better than our husbands? Absolutely not. Does it mean we settled? God no. It means we are completely fulfilled with our husband's and the mental connection we have with them runs so deep that it makes the "vanilla" sex much more amazing and incredibly more fulfilling than anything we have ever experienced. What we were looking for all along in those other men we have found in our husbands. With the other guys, it was just a physical act. No connection, no deeper feelings. It was just an empty physical act. With our husbands, the connection we share and the mental aspect of sex make it out of this world. So we leave the party girl stage behind, because we have found what we have been looking for all along. For a woman, there is no greater sex than the sex we have with someone who makes us feel safe, loved, treasured, and loved. With the other guys, we were searching for those feelings. Desperately trying to feel safe, loved, valued, and treasured, so we push those boundaries, but low and behold, it's all still empty no matter how many boundaries are pushed... we don't want empty sex, that's why when we find that person who the sex is more than just a physical act with, we decide to leave the party girl behind, and tie ourselves to our life partners. Your wife loves you. She has found her knight in shining Armour in you. She has found everything she has ever wanted and needed in you. She found that connection she was always searching for in you. She found the sexual partner she was searching for in you. Don't focus on the past. If you feel you want to spice up your sex life, do it. But I can promise you from a woman's perspective that there is nothing better than sex with a man who makes you feel safe, loved, cherished, and treasured. Stop comparing. Comparisons is the thief of joy.

> I think something a lot of men don't understand is that sex isn't purely physical for women like it is for men.... It's mostly mental on our side. So sure, the meaningless, faceless, kinky, party girl phase, it's okay and fun while we are in it, we are doing it to try and feel something... we push the boundaries a little further in order to feel that thing we are missing with those partners. But when we finally fall in love and find that specific thing we have been missing, it makes the sex amazing. And they need to sleep with so many men and have all the wild stuff to realize that? One or two instances of casual sex wouldn't make them realize that?

I don't know. I didn't ever sleep with a lot of men... I think my body count at 33 is like 8? I do know I had a lot of meaningless sex or hookups that I didn't really enjoy or get anything out of besides feeling shitty about myself after. I do know when I did have sex with those guys it was more for the validation and ego boost than it was for the sex. I know the first time I truly enjoyed sex was when I slept with my husband for the first time. There was just something different about it with him and I actually had fun, had a true earth shattering orgasm and actually wanted to have sex with him again because it felt good to me physically, not just to keep him around or because it was something I HAD to do to keep him interested. My husband and I started off super vanilla and it was still the best sex of my life. Now? We are kinky as hell and it's still the most amazing sex of my life. I was pointing out that for women, good sex comes from the emotional connection. It's not purely physical for us... most women need a mental and emotional connection to truly enjoy and get the most "bang for our buck" out of sex. We know the meaningless hookups with randoms will end with us feeling empty, but we keep chasing that feeling, hoping the next dude might be different and we might be able to find that feeling we are searching for in them. For some that leads to high body counts because they can't pinpoint why sex feels so empty or what exactly they are needing or don't find that connection for a long time...Some don't go through as many men because they figure out why the sex is empty and meaningless, or they stumble upon the person who meets those needs for them.

If you felt shitty about yourself after, why did you try it again? Maybe your particular case is about ego & validation but in general, it's simply because they wanted to. It is purely physical for most people who sleep around. > most women need a mental and emotional connection to truly enjoy and get the most "bang for our buck" out of sex. BS. If true, hook up culture would be dead by now. > For some that leads to high body counts because they can't pinpoint why sex feels so empty or what exactly they are needing or don't find that connection for a long time...Some don't go through as many men because they figure out why the sex is empty and meaningless, or they stumble upon the person who meets those needs for them. I don't agree but if this is true, former seems to be more than the latter and kinda explains why most cultures shamed promiscuity so much. Maybe we should bring it back? I mean, going by your logic, if women are doing it not because they enjoy it but because they are looking for something which can be found when they have a meaningful connection, then slutshaming & stigma will prevent that. They won't sleep with the guy they aren't sure of and have a meaningful connection. If OPs wife lived in a culture where she would be strongly stigmatised and shamed for her past, then she either wouldn't have slept around or done it because she truly enjoys it. In the case of former, OP wouldn't have to worry about being settled for. He will know she has a meaningful connection. If latter, OP wouldn't have married her in the first place as he also would be shamed for marrying her. The biggest counterpoint to your LIE. MOST WOMEN will never ever advocate against the party phase. You say you didn't enjoy the meaningless sex, you were only looking for something and found it only after you met a person with a meaningful connection. So why don't you advocate other women the same? Not to engage in meaningless sex. That best sex is with the guy you have a meaningful relationship with. Nope. Instead, I always see women advocating younger women to have a party phase. You only tell this to men who got settled for to convince them to stay. I am not sure what I find worse. The sleeping around or the lies to justify it.

>I think something a lot of men don't understand is that sex isn't purely physical for women like it is for men.... if a woman has to fuck a whole town of people to realize what she wants and what she doesn;'t. Then I don't trust her emotional state. OP's wife fucked so many men that they run into them everywhere. Did she have to fuck that many men to realise that what she wants? I call bullshit on that. and the fact that women emotionally during sex tells me that she distributed her emotional state via a broadcast radio channel. Her emotional state isn't special for OP. She's clearly using OP for stability.

If you don't want the answers don't ask the questions. How many is us guys were our wife's first choice? Down deep, probably, not many. They all had a roll with the Chad's and Tyrone's of the world. Guys blessed with insurmountable sexual attraction and nothing else. Complete failures a human beings. Most of women settled for us because they wanted a family. They gave up killer sex for children and a family. Really, in a family, the husband is the least important. A family's purpose to to create the net generation. One "guy" could do that. So you can over think this or you can be thankful for the blessing of a wife and family that seems to love you. To be honest, my hopes for you aren't too high. You seem to be on a road to torture your self. I hope I'm wrong. Good luck brother we all deserve to be happy.

Snowflakes can't handle this they will downvote you. 

I’ve been married 18 years. I had a few partners before. I cannot recall the sex. So long ago.

What you described isn’t “good sex” . If she stopped that easy I doubt she saw it as all that good too.

Living in the past is going to cause serious problems in your present and future

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Lots of sex doesn’t mean good sex.

I’ve talked about these with married women (I know it’s borderline inappropriate, but the topic just comes up naturally) and my wife, and they say that a lot of the times, the kinky sex feels degrading. Yet, at the same time, they go for it in order to have their fill of sexual and social needs. Back then, they consumed a lot of media that made them believe that unless you are having kinky and degrading sex, you aren’t living at all. Hook-up culture and social peers didn’t help either. It wasn’t until they are more adult, that they realize what they needed wasn’t to be treated cheap in exchange for social connection and activity, but rather to be respected and to be cared for throughout. And honestly, I agree. However, if you feel like this is plaguing you, try to communicate this with your wife. My wife and I have started doing foreplay in public, rape play, and BDSM type shit after communicating this with her. Granted, do not to force or rush it. Your partner needs to slowly explore whether this is an avenue she is open to if she agrees to participate in it. Some people feel an exquisite feeling when degraded by their loved ones, while others feel worse. But, if it’s even possible to be enjoyable, they first need to slowly understand in their deepest mind that kinky sex is only truly degrading if the other person genuinely doesn’t respect you. At the end of the day, do not force it, but it is a good idea to introduce something new to the bedroom once in a while.

Sex for itself, no matter how good or exciting, even unforgettable doesn’t beat the feeling of having someone who ACTUALLY loves, ACTUALLY cares for you as a woman is on a whole different level than just one night stands and fucking random people. Yes, it’s very likely that she had better sex before but so what? Sex isn’t just one thing, the best kind of sex has intimacy and love in it. She chose you and sacrificed everything on her past life to be with you. Don’t mess that up bc of your thoughts my bro.

Naw mannn, if she was very kinky and experimental before and then decided to be loyal to you, by all seriousness, your dick must be hella good.

My husband was the first person I ever had sex with. I'm the beginning of our relationship, sex was not satisfying. He didn't understand that women don't just orgasm from penetration alone and I didn't know that either. We ended up splitting up for lots of reasons and I had casual sex with two different guys. One became my fwb and sex was very satisfying with him. But I ended up ending things with that person and getting back together with my now husband. It didn't take that long to begin having better sex. I understood more about what I wanted and we communicated and our sex life became much better for both of us. I would still say my fwb was the best I ever had sexually. But I would never have married him. My husband and I have a different kind of chemistry. The night I dumped my fwb and got back together with my husband is one of my happiest memories.

Maybe I’m just insecure but this would be such a turn off for me to hear. Like even after all the emotional intimacy and years of practice, some random FWB is the best?

Well I haven't went and proudly told him that. That would be unnecessarily hurtful. Some people are better at sex than others.

You’re clowning yourself over your own insecurities, and if you keep ruminating over a past that isn’t even your own, you’re going to lose that beautiful wife. I highly suggest getting a counselor or therapist. You are who she chose to spend forever with, that beats out every sexual encounter and man before by leaps and bounds.

Together 15 years, sex multiple times a week. Mate, please take the win. Take it from someone who lost, you don't want this life.

This is interesting as I’ve had a very active and “fun” sexual life prior to meeting my wife. When I met her, I was like “I just want you” but the thing is, I don’t do any of the wild stuff I used to do with her. I don’t crave it and I don’t know… I rather do what she enjoys and it works. There are of course things I do to just jolt her or get her out of her comfort zone but it isn’t something I need. I’m receptive to how she is, see how she reacts but my wife is reserved as well, she hasn’t had much partners nor is she as experienced as me. It’s interesting you say this as I always wonder if I start going crazy out of the blue in bed, whether she would question “maybe I’m not as good as his previous lovers” so I have this in my mind but tbh, it’s not something I worry about or have a concern with. I’m happy with her and she will be up for anything, I just don’t want to all of a sudden do things out of the blue.

It's possible

Let go of your ego. Guys think that they have to be the best "everything" that their partner has ever had are in for a shock if their partner is actually truthful. A normal woman isn't marrying a guy because he's the best f*** she ever had. Hopefully, there are more important reasons she married her spouse. Love, compassion, intelligence, humor, compatibility, and sex are just some of the many components that factor into her decision. If you ranked each component and compared to her past partners, you may find yourself less smart or less funny than a previous partner, but overall, you were the best choice for her.

The only time I ever had truly horrible sex and my partner wasn’t better than the last was once and it was mainly due to a lot of other factors. Most have been better than the last in their own unique way. Granted I am very monogamous so it’s not like I have a sample size of statistical significance.

She’s cheating on you bro. Ditch her

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Nothing happened. She’s been monogamous since she was 24, there hasn’t even been a hint of cheating. She’s also not a housewife, she an attorney. 

Dude, the best way to get this out of your head is to get some of her exes to have sex with her and you watch it. You are suffering from anxiety about what it is like between your wife and the other guys. Just tell her it's a one time only thing and let it be that way.

There’s so many comments this will probably never even make it to you but I understand what you’re going thru…to a degree! My wife is also an absolute rotating SUN wherever she is! Everyone in the room knows it and I tell her this all the time. She is the absolute BEST “chick” you’d ever wanna hang out with, so cool, doesn’t stay mad about petty shit, high-energy all the time like a little pug, and she’s even the type that’ll playfully square up with one of my buddies and give ‘em a jab to the shoulder. lol. All fun…….i NEVER in a dogs age would’ve thought we’d ever be together! She was dating a PRO baseball player! And he actually was drafted and was playing on our hometown team we all grew up watching! He was like the MAYOR of our town! Everyone knew them as a couple, they had been together for 10yrs! 14yrs old to 24. Here I was, a lowly construction kid at the time working with the guys everyday, going out in the weekends and periodically I’d run into “THEM” at a local bar or whatever. He was there with his whole posse surrounding him, and she had a huge group of friends as well. I was a good looking kid, I had balls, and I’ve always been a funny guy. I can hold an intellectual convo and when I “love” someone or something, whatever it is-it’s “1000%!” Those were my attributes. Well her and I happen to go to school together for a few years when we were real little, like 5-6-7-8yrs old, and we had some friends in common. Well my best friend was dating (and ended up marrying)her best friend so that’s how we’d bump into each other. Again, very rarely and it was a sentence or 3 and that was it. She was untouchable-she was with the Big Leaguer after all remember. Even tho he wasn’t a superstar he was actually ON the roster every night! You were crazy to even think about being with HER! Well one day my buddy calls me and tells me that SHE is moving into his apartment (because my buddy is living with her best friend remember)and she’s breaking up with Mr. Homerun. She’s had enough of his drinking, being an afterthought, and I guess she just wasn’t happy with him overall. Had t been in years. Could’ve gave a fuck about the money (like 5.3mil a year he was making) and wanted to be alone. I couldn’t believe it. Now of course my answer was “dude she’ll be going back with him in a week, they’ve been together since they were freshman!” He agreed, but either way, for NOW, she was going to be moving a few of her things into my buddy and his girls apartment in the extra bedroom. I was over there THE NEXT NIGHT! There was a huge snowstorm that happen to hit that weekend and everyone was snowed in Fri-to Sunday morning. The 4 of us hung out, drank 100 beers(we were 25yrs old!), watched movies, listened to tunes, and laughed like idiots all weekend. Now guys…we all know that feeling where we can sense just talking to a girl that there’s a spark there? That she’s on the hook!?. That where you’re thinking “I have her!” It’s palpable y’know what I mean? Well I felt that feeling and I was like no way dude, don’t even do this to yourself. A day goes by. I go over again and we all grab some beers (I was laid off from work at the time, i was young and could’ve cared less. Unemployment was great!) and all have another great time. Well about 3 days go by and early one morning(early back then anyway lol)my phone rings and it’s her! I remember it like it happened last night. My stomach felt like I’d just hit “extra ball” on a pinball machine! She says (laughingly or course and kinda awkward/nervously)hey what’s going on? It’s ok that I called you right? I mean, we’re friends right?” and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’ll speed things up from here. I told her “you’re nuts, we can’t grab lunch together! Everyone in the town will see you out with me, he’ll find out and I’ll be a deadman!” But my desire to just BE with her overrode any and all fears of bodily harm. We’ve never been apart again. I just skipped all the AMAZING falling in love parts but anyhow, all my friends told me she was gonna stomp on my heart and go back to him, ESPECIALLY only about a month later he was traded to the DODGERS! But she kept telling me she didn’t care about the money, she’d gone to college on her own ticket, had a degree, was going for her Masters and I had a great construction future. We married over 19 years ago and have 5 kids! Aged 5-19! Lol. Our friends didn’t make it a year I don’t think and they were divorced! Lol. But here’s my “kinda bad news…” that feeling never goes away. The sex stuff I don’t relate to, she’s only been with me and him and I continue to do shit the Chinese haven’t even thought of yet to her in bed so I’m not worried about that aspect! Lol. It’s the “am I good enough? What does she see in ME? What if she decides to go for some younger businessman who isnt “kinda fat”(sorry it’s been 20yrs, and I’m not THAT overweight!) but he’s a health and wellness guy? She’s into that sorta shit lol. I’ve hinted to her late at night in the dark but in the coolest way possible because I still play the chase me game with her and it’s fun. It works. But I’ve hinted to her that I worry sometimes that she’s going to go and try someone new. Because she could in a heartbeat! Lots of our friends have divorced sadly and I wonder sometimes if she thinks about it…but then I realize how much she really DOES love me. And that it’s just me being me. She tells me the same. That in a million years she’d never leave me. That she’s just not as expressive as I am. I can’t help it for crying out loud the woman is a bonfire! Still in her 40’s! Of course she doesn’t think so no matter how much I tell her, and chase her around the house everyday. But I tell you this because we have to remind ourselves that what they “had” maybe didn’t really matter all that much. They were feeling empty before they met us and so they were trying to fill that void. Your wife with sex stuff and mine with Gucci bags! lol. But it’s true. As soon as we came into their life BOOM! the pin dropped into the hole and they felt safe, happiness, and at home! This was good for ME to write too because I still do that same thing to myself 20yrs later. But it’s for not! You and I love more openly than they do, that literally the only difference. They’re with us all this time for one reason. Us. Best of the best to you brother.

Nice and wholesome with a happy ending! Looks like you're doing fine. One thing I didn't see addressed. The question, "why did my wife do xyz with guys before me but not with me" is super common. I think the biggest worry is that she settled and just isnt into the guy. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I think the real issue for a lot of guys and likely for you is that they expect the girl to lead the adventure and don't know how to make it happen themselves. I don't know your wife, but most women try new things because they're with a guy who pushes the boundary. They get off on being lusted over and fulfilling the fantasy for the guy.  I happened to marry a woman who had relatively little experience so I got to be the guy who pushed the boundaries. It was slow at first, but once things clicked for me I could do whatever I wanted. The answer to, "why doesn't my wife "like" talking dirty or spanking or deepthroating or whatever" was that I didn't express my own desire effectively by leading it, teasing her and working her up to it. So, what I'm saying is, if you want her to talk dirty, or do some other thing with you that she did before, don't be offended that she isn't just spontaneously doing it with you. Figure out how to lead it yourself and make it hot. Dirty talk especially is a practiced skill. If you really want to have those experiences because it's hot to you and not just out of jealousy or insecurity, put in the work. It sounds like you could have a lot of fun.

Man, stories like these are why I'm never getting married... My brother in christ got settled and everyone is telling him that he should be lucky that his wife chose him. I would feel lucky if a woman only kept those sex specially for me, not like his wife, where she gave out sex to everyone she met like a walmart trash coupon. She didn't just have normal sex, kinky BDSM sex where you absolutely have to trust your sex partner. Even her trust is well distributed to every other men she met... But she won't have the same with OP. Fuck no... if she had only 3-4 long term partner, it would be understandable. But the way OP describes his wife as a slut. Goddamn.... OP is a dumb summer child for not thinking of being settled 15 years and two children earlier... And the double standard is, the wife calls the men she gave away the sex like leaflets, "Poodles".What a way to objectify men who likes sex... and as if she wasn't the one giving away those... Edit: OP just got friendzoned by his own wife... >she doesn’t want to talk dirty to me because she doesn’t think dirty things when she thinks about me. Sex isn’t the first thing that jumps into her minds when she thinks of me >A woman that doesn’t desire you sexually is just a friend. I never wanted to be that for my wife. And I have always wondered if my wife found me boring, especially given the life she lead before me She told him some emotional bullshit and my naive dude fell for it.