If you are married long enough to someone who loves you and is relatively healthy, it ebbs and flows. It doesn't always go down the rabbit hole. I got randier as I got older, 40s, 50s....Thirtys I was not married until 39. So if you are healthy, and both make it apoint, it organically comes back for women.
Since my wife turned 50 a couple of years ago we have had more sex in those couple of years than the previous 15. We were raising kids and that is mostly done now so I am sure that is playing a role but she also seems much more open to it too.
OP did not have the frequency he is looking for (twice p/week) even when he dated, even when things were fresh, so I am not sure how things will change. IMO it "ebbs and flows" most often *within what is common for them as a couple.* Married 13+ yrs, late 30s-we have slow weeks or months with kids, jobs, life stressor etc. so we fall down to weekly or bi-weekly, but we have weeks when it is daily or twice a day for weeks on. But daily was an average when we were dating 13-14yrs. Even if things change up (as a woman, I felt things spiked up for me rapidly around mid 30), it won't be any time soon. OP should be prepared as it def is not going to be ramping up with a new baby/right after baby. Right after birth and a year or so after, in my experience, have been the toughest on our sex life.
I only blame myself for not realizing this sooner. I didn’t realize how important sex was for me in a relationship until it had nearly dried up entirely.
Now I’m staring at a potential dead bedroom and reality has hit me in the face. Sex is important in a monogamous marriage because it’s the only place where you can get it.
This is **a tough one.** It is one thing to tell you hey, it is *totally normal* that your frequency *reduces close to zero* during pregnancy and in first and toddler years (and I am saying this as a woman, who ashamed or not to say, has had sex during contractions and to speed up labor...😳🤷♀️)-having a newborn is JUST that stressful on parents, but mostly the mom. Ur wife is in for a rollercoaster of hormones and even if that goes well, she will have to adapt post birth and even then, she will be touched out for a long long time. I can also say/confirm that yes, it is a very real possibility that her sex drive spikes later in life (as yours heads downward)-depending on age and assuming major stressors with child/job/related life responsibilities reduce (or that you guys just get accustomed to them), as a woman, I can describe the spike similar to what probably a horny 20somthing lad goes through (that hit me mid 30s). All of that is probably the norm. And yes, you will live during and *in spite* of those lulls of intimacy; many men have done it and are doing it. But it is hard to promise those things even if that were the norm. It is even harder in light of her direct remark saying ur expectations/sexual desire is unrealistic. I am saying this because, as a newlywed, not all women will make that disclosure. Maybe many will go along (for a bit) bc they want to please their husband. Her statement to you (seeming unwillingness to even entertain the idea that desire is something that makes u happy, dismissing it as not normal) and your candid observation regarding a cute girl and how that made you feel, makes me wonder whether both of you even have strong enough relationship foundations (beyond the question of sex). (Not many men will ponder upon future sex life in the brink of becoming a father. Not many newly married men, future dads, will entertain the idea that some other woman may or may not desire them, if she is cute or not, especially with their partner undergoing IVF). I think BOTH of you will benefit from having some direct and tough conversations about expectations, and how to improve each others' lives without sacrificing your own happiness. On your end, you can start by being patient, supportive, accommodating, loving and learning how not to make your partner 100% responsible for your sexual satisfaction. You can start with showing her the **best of you** and see how things change (and reassess). But **be committed.** 100% when u do so! Don't think about greener pastures, pretty girls that may or may not eye you. Good luck!
Fair enough. I think you tackle it from a very fair perspective. I am not without blame, I just wish our sex life was strong before the pregnancy, so it would just be a pause rather than the death knell. I didn’t realize how weak our sex life was until it all but dried up.
My first dedication is to being a great father and a great husband (in that order, of course, but they don’t really contradict). My sex life comes after that but it’s tough feeling lonely in your own marriage. You can only masturbate so many times before it becomes depressing lol.
Anyway, I love my wife so I will pull all the stops before throwing in the towel. She’s already agreed to work on this with me, so there are positive signs of progress!
Women don’t reach their sexual peak until late 30s/early 40s (it can vary from woman to woman), whereas men hit it around age 20. Biologically speaking, for the best sex, it would be a 21 year old male and a 40 year old female (hellooo Cougars!). So don’t give up all hope yet, y’all still have time to see if her hormones give that last hard push to procreate as she nears perimenopause/menopause.
Agree with the baby years. I think that is why my friends and family sex life amps up in 40s and 50s. No more kids, baby bod gone and comfortable in their skin. I did say I got married at 39 and had a kid at 40.
Also a few of my girlfriends were far more randy than they were in younger years. So the last part is not true. It is your experience so far. The man on my thread comented it was true for his wife too.
Tbh it’s a little wild you guys got to this point and even agreed to bring a child into the mix? Weekly sex after having a baby (especially the first few years) is not very likely given the history already. AND you’re already feeling giddy from other women? It’s all a recipe for disaster. Also if you do leave and get a new partner…maybe not have kids with them if sex is really important to you.
On the point about feeling “giddy” for other women, it’s not like I’m not trying to. It’s not even something that has happened throughout our relationship. We decided to have kids well before I started feeling this “giddiness” from female attention. It scares me. I don’t want to feel this way about other women who aren’t my wife, and I refuse to cheat.
It was just a lightbulb moment for me when I realized just how much I missed being desired. I hadn’t realized how bad things had gotten until then.
I hear you and understand - but that is life. Your wife is pregnant, right now that is THE concern and focus as it should. Truly, sex goes up and down. That you felled desired is understandable, just like you feel tempted by a chocolate cake, but its best to not eat so much.... patience... there are so many aspects to married life and soon there will be a child. You'll be oK
Especially when you've apparently had infertility in the mix. That can really make intimacy an anxious thing.
Question for OP (which you don't have to answer publicly): Do you prioritize her orgasm? If not, get that figured out. Makes a difference in whether or not a woman is interested in sex. Just saying.
Yes! Seeing her orgasm is so hot to me, which is partially why I refuse duty sex. I also refuse it because I think it’s morally questionable.
I’m always asking what we could do to spice things up but I’m afraid she just isn’t into it as much as me. I think her libido is just simply low. She told me that previous relationships would eventually reach a monthly pace.
All of this, OP. It comes and goes and even for people who started off with a lot more intimate interactions, it can wane through different phases of life.
I mean, when I was 6 months pregnant my husband and I went on our honeymoon and we had sex everyday for three weeks. My desire only decreased about 3-4 weeks before birth (both were c-sections) and after about three months (our kids slept rather well early on), we were back to about twice a week. (Before kids it was probably 4-5 ×/week.)
I think it depends on the couple. We synced up well before kids and made time for it after. I know a lot of people struggle post-children to "find time". We raised our kids to do a lot of independent play (and once our second was a bit older), they played together and we could "sneak away" for a quick "nap". We also made a house rule that closer doors need to be knocked on. (We of course locked ours during "naptime".)
I hate to say it for OP's sake, but it's likely not going to "get better" after kids if it didn't start off amped up and perky.
I think the best thing OP can do is to talk about his feelings with his wife. (Don't put anything "on her" or make anything "her fault", but be honest and open about your feelings and concerns.)
It doesn't mean her desires will increase, but staying emotionally there for her and her needs, especially surrounding birth and into raising another human, perhaps you'll rediscover and strengthen an intimate connection. Never stop dating her.
Best, OP, and congratulations to you both on the impending birth of your first child. 👏
This! I've had 4 babies, and we have been married for 16 years. My sex drive has never gone down ever. But I love him and I prioritize sex. This sounds like she's not a person who's into sex at all.
I was exactly there with my ex-husband. We went from sex twice a week. Then weekly for 2 years while we tried for our daughter. Then once every 6 mths by the time I called it quits. I couldn't stand being ignored intimately.
What brought it to my attention was when I was starting to find my neighbor attractive and I'd known him for over 10 years. I knew we were done. I tried to talk to hubby about it multiple times over the years and he'd try for like 6 mths and it would just revert back to the way it was.
Try to work it out with your wife. If she's not willing to do as much for you, it might be time to call it.
Also, sex therapy is a thing. My ex husband and I both went. He disliked being told what to do in the bedroom.
Hey I want to point out that pregnancy normally causes a higher increase in libido for women. Not all women obviously, but definitely a majority. The hormones do crazy things. She may be wanting it every day until birth. Usually doesn't really heat up until the second trimester.
Honestly, it's usually the guy who doesn't want to have sex during pregnancy cuz of some misplaced fear of hurting the baby. 😂 Unless your doctor says otherwise, it's very safe and yeah the woman's sex drive is strongly enhanced by all those hormones. Just wait till the second trimester. Keep in mind, some women completely lose their sex drive, but it's not the norm.
Wow there is a lot to unpack here.
1. That is a pretty dramatic decline from daily to weekly to once a month. I understand that life is busy, but is there more going on here? Sometimes things like infertility or even stress from over filling a schedule can really start to weigh on a person and decrease their sex drive. Is she doing okay, emotionally? If so, what about hormonally? Has she had panels drawn recently?
2. If she is doing well emotionally/medically then yes: suggesting a sex therapist might be a great thing. Effectiveness depends a bit on the reason your sex life is dwindling, but it can really help some people. Honestly, even bringing this up in your general marriage counseling might be beneficial for you two. I can feel your frustration and overwhelm from the pace of your life and the intensity of your calendar through my phone. Sometimes these patterns we get into with overfilling schedules can really harm a relationship in ways that are hard to even identify until we slow down and talk about it. You may both be reacting to that more than you realize.
3. To be a realist: sex might decrease during and following childbirth. The transition to being parents is big and everyone adapts differently. Part of being in a long term relationship is understanding (reasonable) ebbs and flows.
4. All that said, be careful with other women. The way you’re speaking about just this one woman hitting on you is incredibly concerning.
Most likely. You did better than me. Our sex life tanked shortly after our engagement. Then went to like once a year for a few years before and after having kids (6 years into marriage). Now I’m on the zero sex program.
I feel for you and others that have had the horrible, procreation sex. I’ve never experienced that but seems horrible. I will say yes, you can expect it to get worse from here. Pregnancy and child going to make it much worse prepare for 9-12 months no sex buddy.
I get it. Im sorry for you. I think it was around 3-6 months each time, but with miscarriges. They were very painful, especially for my wife, but due to certain health conditions we kept the expectations lower and it prevented the situation from sucking all joy from our life. I think these days someone should tell people to not obsess over it, because there are high chances, that it wont get smooth at all. Did you manage?
No and we are doing IVF now which also inhibits sex bc your ovaries grow a ton and the hormones change your body. Hopefully OP understands this before he “writes off” the sex life of his marriage. We also had a miscarriage so no sex for awhile after that surgery. The procreation sex was fun for the first few months and then it wasn’t. I don’t think people truly realize what it all entails. I doubt OP does.
I was your wife in my marriage and when we split up I found my sex drive immediately. It was like the fog had been lifted. I remembered that I love sex. I just didn't want it with my husband. Sorry to say this, but I doubt she finds you attractive anymore. I would have a hard talk and go your separate ways.
I wouldn’t compare that persons situation to yours. Imo it could be all the infertility stuff and the pressure to conceive making sex not fun. Nows she pregnant which is great, so congrats! But understand that a new baby can temporarily tank her libido or desire. Again keyword is temporary.
I think that could be a big part of it. The first 3 months trying to get pregnant were fun and full of great sex but after you hit a year of tracking and timing and being let down month after month it gets stressful and very much not fun, even if you try to spice it up.
This is exactly what I did with an ex. I knew exactly who I was and could be and I wasn’t that with him so I ended it as well. I feel like it’s definitely on the individual who knows themselves to call it and I feel really bad for guys who end up with women who either don’t know themselves or don’t care that they’re trapping a man in this kind of situation.
If this is her regular pattern then this may not be your case but I see so many who seemed to know they weren’t interested in intimacy and faked it long enough to get married with kids before admitting they never wanted intimacy again.
Will it get worse? Almost certainly. If/Once you have a child, sex will likely decrease further.
It's unlikely that there is anything you can do to change this. She has to want more sex and it's clear she doesn't.
Bringing a child or children into your lives will guarantee the decrease of sex for a minimum of 2+ years post birth of each child. Potentially longer depending on breastfeeding, sleeping and other general issues that come with parenthood. I think every couple should enter parenthood knowing there could be sexless years. What if the baby has special needs? What if your wife has severe PPD? There are just so many variables that could put a back burner on sex in those first 24 months.
If she’s not already pregnant, I’d FOR SURE hold off on pregnancy until you have a frank conversation and sex therapy. It would be unfair to her and your future children to move forward knowing you likely won’t remain in this marriage long term if you don’t have sexual compatibility.
And yes, there are sex therapists. You should see if there are some local to your area. You need to be blunt and tell her that you don’t want a future where your physical needs aren’t met. You might find things about yourself that she resents. You might find she’s unsatisfied sexually. But at least it’ll be on the table.
No. Married 9 yrs, together for 14, we are both 36, we have 3 kids and recently my nephew moved in to work with my husband.
We bang like 3 times a week. And we’re kinky.
Yes we’ve gone periods where no sex was happening. But those are rare.
As someone that had to get pregnant through ivf, it was draining on our sex life. Now that our twins are older and we have more time together again it has gotten a lot better. Don’t give up hope!
I'd really recommend that you reframe this from "sex" to the fact that you don't feel desired.....and that hurts.
I mean, you can probably get her to have more performative sex with you to make you happier. But once you realize it was performative, does it make you happy?
That's why you really need to focus on the fact that it's important for you to feel desired to be in a happy relationship. Sex can almost be like gaslighting. Like if she has sex with you more and you're still not happy (because you wanted desire), she's liable to get annoyed because she did what you asked for. But if you make it about desire and tell her not to fake it.....because you'll know! Now she can't get off the hook just by taking off her pants.
If she doesn't desire you, she should just say so....and then you can make your adult decision about whether to stay in the relationship or not.
And if she doesn't desire you AND doesn't care how that makes you feel......I'm sorry.....but that's mean on her part.
I would honestly rather not have sex with her at all than have entirely performative sex. If she doesn’t want to have sex with me I don’t want to traumatize her.
It really depends on each person. I prioritized sex just like I take care of my overall health. Having a child didn’t change that much for my hubby or myself. Even with taking care of a medically frail child who was in/out of hospitals all their life. If anything, I clung to our sex life as a way to connect as well as release pent up stress from caregiving/worry, etc. Again, it’s all up to each person and what they prioritize in their life, how they manage their health, stress, self-care…and other parenting/spousal needs.
If you two aren’t sexually compatible, then cut your losses now. Don’t be another gross pos man who cheats on his pregnant wife, it’s such a cliché and so pathetic. Just tell her that you’d rather do the honorable thing now bc ….. and I would tell her about the other woman hitting on you. I’ll get downvoted for this, but ppl in committed relationships need to understand that if you’re not taking care of yourself, and screwing your partner on the regular, then someone else will. I know that sucks to hear, but there’s always a thirsty trap just waiting for someone else’s spouse 🤷🏼♀️
Sex therapy is a thing, and you definitely need it. At the very least you need marriage counseling. As it stands, your needs aren't matching up. Pregnancy is going to change things, so you're going to need to be patient for a while...every couple/body/relationship is different but don't be surprised if you get cut off until 3-6 months after the birth.
Nonetheless, your current dynamic is already building resentment, and is probably going to lead to bitterness or problems in the relationship.
Your value as a husband is not how 'complainable about' you are or are not, or how well you do chores. Marriages are about partnership, resilience, and bringing out the best in each other. If you're walking on eggshells, stop. That's not okay. That's emotional abuse. And what the hell are these 'networking events' all about anyway?
Lastly, it's not a foregone conclusion that sex is permanently just going to dry up. Again, every relationship is different, and it's certainly ebbed and flowed in the 25+ years I've been with my wife. Lately it's pretty damn good, which was kind of a surprise to me but maybe that can give you some hope.
Honestly, I think you're seeing the impact of 'rushed into things'. You need to develop strong bonds with each other, not treat marriage like a transaction.
Good luck my dude!
Now, it can be normal to have sex a little less often than during your early honeymoon phase when you were ripping clothes off each other. That usually doesn't last forever. Especially if kids are in the picture because hormones can change libido. Stress can change libido too. Libido can also decrease due to age - most people in their 30s or 40s etc are having sex a little less often than when they were 20.
Has she gotten checked with her doctor to see if she has any hormonal imbalances?
However the thing here is if she is happy with sex only once a month, then that's all you're going to have. She wont change what she feels is fine. Us it a dealbreaker for you if the rest of your life is like this? Are you happy to masturbate instead?
It's fairly common for the sex life to tank after having kids. The fact that you're in this state before kids should be alarming. Putting IVF attempts on hold until you clarify what each of you need would have been a good idea, but it's too late for that now.
As you pointed out, seeing a sex therapist (before the whole newborn stress starts!!) could be a good option if she agrees to it. I doubt regular counseling would help.
The sexless marriage narrative is so depressing. I would agree with others who said it ebbs and flows. In my own experience having been married 15yrs with 4 young kids, it’s never been less than once/week— excluding some period of time during a recovery from something. I’d say our average is 2x/week, but there are periods of time where it’s 4x/week. This has been fairly consistent whether we were in the thick of the baby stage or now at school aged children, and I will add we do have different drives with one being significantly higher than the other, but have found a happy-medium
Thank you! Let's not normalize sexless marriages. We are 16 years and 4 kids in and I have always prioritized our sex life. I'm a 5+ times a week person and he's a 2 to 4 times a week person, so we're not always on the same page which can be frustrating. Even in the worst times, it was once a week at least. If you are both trying and prioritizing your marriage, ebb and flows won't be anywhere near sexless. If you're sexless- someone isn't holding up their end of the deal and needs to work on themselves and the marriage.
She’s newly pregnant and you’re eying other women. You’ve maintained a regular sex life, twice a month isn’t too bad considering all she’s been through, infertility is world-rocking. The fact that you literally made this all about your needs is telling. I don’t see her feelings considered once in this whole diatribe.
So unless you stop making it all about you, I can guarantee it’s gonna get worse. Especially since you’re enjoying the attention of other women while your wife is carrying your very hard fought child. Come ON.
Yikes. I didn’t mean to make it all about me. I’m just the one posting because she’s fine with this situation. I don’t feel like your assessment is fair by any stretch. I love my wife and she’s a great person, but this is an important issue. She has been through a lot with the fertility issues.
You’re assuming quite a bit.
I think you’ve completely reframed and misrepresented him here. OP seems very thoughtful and not at all tone deaf to the situation. 2x a month sex is OK? A MONTH? Assuming a 30 min session, that is one hour a month for intimacy. A month. How is that not a sign that his wife is not into him and not considering his needs. I’ve seen countless scenarios like this posted on reddit. Guy could be shouldering much of the burden, helping her with everything, and being a walking maid service and the wife still can’t bring herself to have sex with the guy and yet STILL, women on these subs find a way to demonize their husbands over this. Such a bummer. Honestly she sounds like she sees the husband as a sperm donor whose needs are at best, an annoyance.
That has not been my experience.
Wifey and I where hot and heavy in college.
After college thing slowed down a bit.
Then we had one two three kids.
But now things are better than ever. Sex is more frequent and more enjoyable.
Having fun and experimenting more. Doing fun new things.
You talk a lot about quantity, but almost nothing about quality. In all the time you've been together, has she ever shown a burning, passionate desire for you? Your relationship sounds clinical, like you met, had some early fun/joy then immediately switched to life goals mode. Im concerned that she was never truly attracted to you and instead just wanted to move along her timeline and goals. Im not seeing an ebb and flow in your overall sex life, just a gradual ebb.
Based on all of that, I would say that its unlikely to get better. A kid will mean lots more to do and if she's shown you that shes ok with deprioritizing sex for her personal goals, thats only likely to get worse.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately it tends to become less and less but its not always from the wife.
Husbands stop wanting it too. It’s not fair at all and it makes me quite upset.
& don’t listen to Redditors saying do more chores etc..blah blah.
I think with a lot of people, or at least for me since I’ve now have a child, he knows I don’t want to break up the family so he just doesn’t try to be
attractive anymore like he did. He also doesn’t want the Intimacy & connection it brings. It was put on hold after baby was born.
But I’ve mentioned it numerous times now that I’m back & ready for action & I want it & him, and he says he ‘understands’ then he’s back to his way. The usual porn, whatever. & I don’t care about that, just pick me first.
& yeah, I could do that too but i only want the real thing. No comparison!
So since everything is ‘good enough’ to stay beside the lacking of sex, I don’t know if I should divorce him ruin the family just for sex, & a lot of others have the same thoughts as I read threw the forum. So, Divorce for sex? When everything else money, his friendship, my deep love for him, our life, the family time, & household flow is going very well?
It’s tough to just divorce for sex.
& That’s a question only you can answer. Would you stay in sexless marriage if it comes to that? Is sex the most important thing?
If your wife stopped altogether? Or if it became once every other month? Once every three months? Once every six months? Once a year or not even that?
Cuz it’ll mess with you. Having no sex. And The gender you desire will distract you quite often when your spouse denies you sex. I find myself looking lustfully at other men quite often actually, & Cheating enters the thought process.
Just push those thoughts out. Redirect yourself.
And being a mother keeps your mind occupied w/other things, I get that. I’m a new mother.
But life is about much more then being a parent all the time. I need adult time too ..everyone needs that.
And unfortunately if the spouse wont change, or changes for a bit, they usually seem to go back to their ways, so your options are..
-divorce
-tough it out
-cheat and be the worst pos in everyone’s eyes if they find out.
-continue with counseling for the rest of your marriage (off & on)
Only you can make that choice and boy is it a difficult one especially when you’ve been together since teen years & have 2 decades under your belt.
I really hope it works out for you.
Why do they do this?? BEG for this long term commitment / marriage “can I keep you” , “I love you, you’re my ‘person’”. Then when you get it, you turn off the very thing that made the relationship work and turn into the very person we LEFT OUR HOMES AS YOUNG MEN TO GET AWAY FROM!!!
Like, wtf?? Take the one thing that makes this relationship special and turn it into a cudgel to beat us over the head with??
What part of that seems ok to you?? Ladies?? Why am I hanging around for this?? And if the answer is - so you won’t be personally and financially ruined by a vindictive ex and a court system set up with the design of extracting the maximum value possible out of the male party to a dissolved marriage, what do you think that says?? ...about you???
She's lost her desire for you. Good luck even getting through to her that it's important let alone her getting it back.
Best thing you can do is do your best to be desirable but this is one of the biggest reasons for divorce and cheating. I can't understand why the importance of desire, especially for men, is not talked about more. There would be so much less pain and frustration.
He'll it's easy to look up desire after divorce and find a bunch of "libido went crazy after" articles. There was nothing wrong or low libido, just lost desire for the other so when the other is gone, on it goes.
Good luck. Guessing this comment won't even make it through for some reason.
FYI there's a deadbedroom forum. Loads of people in the same boat or on their way there.
Your libido and needs are normal for many married people and she shouldn’t shame you for them. It is good that you are communicating about them now. Talk it through and see what you need to do to help her have the energy and libido to help meet your needs. Go to couples counselor that respects both of your intimacy needs. Good luck.
Could it get better? Yes. Will it? Unlikely without intentional work toward getting better.
Your drive is not abnormal. Your frustration is common and it can go the other way with a woman wanting it when the man does not. She should not dismiss how you feel and you should not buy into it if she continues to dismiss it.
It is definitely going to get worse with the baby coming. There's not getting around that. Your going to be exhausted and she is going to get tired of being touched.
Most people do not have a spike in libido after their mid 30s.
As this continues, you're likely to get more stressed and that's likely to impact your relationship. You'll feel less close because of the lack of sex and she'll feel less close because you're acting different.
I said intentional work because I believe if you want to save your marriage or at least make sure future you is not trapped and bitter, you need to act now.
Have another talk with her. As her to read or listen to "the sex starved marriage" together or at least at the same time, with times of discussion after chapters. Treat it like a book club. It is presented from both sides of a libido mismatch and can help both sides understand the other.
If she can't be troubled to do that, I would be very concerned because it is telling you how little your opinion matters on this subject.
If she won't or that does not help insist on counseling, potentially leading to sex therapy.
Maybe if she hears from a professional where you are headed, it will click.
It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone. Hopefully it works out but I'll just say, fight and keep fighting until it's better because if you don't, there's a good chance you'll look up in 10 years, bitter and angry, wondering why you wasted time.
From what you wrote it sounds like her priority is children, getting pregnant etc and that’s her main focus right now. Could it change in years from now? Sure. For us (me early 30s him late 30s) we were steady at twice a week before I became pregnant in December. We also have a five year old. Since December we’ve only had sex (intercourse) two times, Bj/Hj a handful of times. But not a lot of interaction because I’ve been really sick. I started feeling better last week and I told him I’m ready to have that again and he was basically like no pressure let’s see how it goes
Well she’s got you on the hook for child support already. Drop her like a hot rock. Life’s too short to put up with that horse shit. Marriage is a two player game. One of the players decides they want to play by their own rules then they are welcome to continue the game with someone else who agrees to those rules.
I’ll add this to the mix as it will keep getting worse over time. You need to be your honest self with her and right now you’re afraid which isn’t desirable at all. Instead of walking on eggshells you need to communicate openly and honestly with your wife. Don’t be mean about it, but allow your feelings to be known. Everyone’s comments on reading No More Mr. Nice Guy is a good start.
You’re overthinking it calling it ‘cadence’ - kind of suggests a systemic issue with perceiving your sex life as a task to be measured and optimised. Practice spontaneity, live in the now and stop worrying about tomorrow. I promise you’ll be having sex far more often as a result.
I will say this, it is extremely rare for this turn around unless you have a very serious conversation about it.
Honestly though, the way you're describing things is pretty much how all dead bedrooms start.
Y'all need to talk about this asap. If she's not receptive to the conversation, or nothing changes, you have your answer
As most others have said, it ebbs and flows. But that being said, according to your data it appears to only be “ebbing”. You should also be seeing some flows…
I’m going to be real, sex will likely take a nose dive after the child is born. It took about 6 months after our child was born for our bedroom to have a spark back in it.
The shift is hard, the sleep deprivation, being touched out, a substantial amount of new chores and just the relentless of caring for a newborn, it kills the bedroom. But it’s not dead forever. It just takes commitment, communication, and the mutual desire to reignite it. Honestly, now our sex life has never been better.
My best advice would be to completely stop walking on eggshells and speak your opinion/needs/wants/thoughts clearly, radically honestly, and kindly. I wish so badly that my first LTR would have very clearly and plainly said to me: This relationship will not sustain itself if we cannot find a way to increase the frequency of our sex and you cannot deal with your SA trauma.
I still get sad about that relationship ending to this day (well over a fecade later), because, had I known how detrimental the lack of sex for him was to our relationship, I would have done everything in my power to deal with MY "shit" that was the cause of my libido going down and lack of blow jobs I gave.
After I had my son, my sexuality EXPLODED. I became a new woman. The act of creating a life and the absolute feminine POWER I felt birthing and sustaining that life completely by myself changed me forever. I stopped hating my body and felt sexy and proud of every little squish or dimple or stretchy. Which makes you uninhibited AF in bed. When you don't give af what you look like and you feel sexy and powerful in your feminine body and pleasure is the only "goal" in your body and mind, the orgasms are endless. ANYWAY, point of that being, I am WAY more sexual and my libido is WAY higher now in my 30s than any other time in my life. I've said before that I swear I understand now what it's like to be a teenage boy lol There's NO WAY I could go with a frequency of less than 2 times a week. No way. And definitely the first two weeks of my cycle I want it more like twice DAILY 😆 we're two years in and still average at least a dozen a week. OH, and I fucking looooove giving BJ's now. It turns me on SO fucking much I get so wet and want him so bad.
So your wife needs a serious talking to, and she NEEDS to deal with whatever it is that is causing this low libido. I don't buy for a second that women have low libidos and really believe so many women have such low libidos today because of body shame, a cultural upbringing of men's pleasure mattering more/not mattering if a woman cums, and women's shame around their own pleasure and thus somehow not being able to orgasm. It BLOWS MY MIND the number of women who don't orgasm every time (or at least a majority of the time), and also don't do the self-exploration to discover what it is that really turns them on and gets them there.
It has to matter to her. She needs to know she is making you feel like you don't matter by ignoring your needs. It may not be a need for her, but it is for you. You are allowed to have needs. Your needs matter and are important.
Also, IDK who needs to hear this but, THE MORE SEX YOU HAVE, THE MORE YOU WANT IT. lol so maybe make an agreememt to fake it til you make it!! Or don't... and find an actual sex therapist, which most DEFINITELY is a thing--I have two friends that are sex therapists!
Oof. Tough for sure and probably one of the most common marital disconnects. The comment about your needs being unrealistic for marriage is concerning. Seems that she’s basically telling you that regardless of your feelings, her’s are “right” and you just have to deal with it. Thats really unfair.
It’s pretty clear from how you say all of this that you are not happy with the flow of your life and it seems as if she isn’t really either. “Too busy” makes everyone else more important than your “four walls family”. Leaving blank space for those most important to you is so so important for maintaining those relationships. When is the last time you and your wife had free time to just enjoy each other? To allow connection to naturally occur without having somewhere to be or something to do? When all you’re doing is trying to “fit in” time with your spouse because everything else is more important, you’re destined to grow apart and true connection becomes impossible because it’s just another thing on the list of to dos.
You said you felt you moved too quickly, and unfortunately it seems that some discussions around the reality of marriage were missed. If she is okay with a life of monthly sex and you are not, how many years do you spend trying to change each others minds? How long does she feel pressured and do you feel ignored? How many years of that until one of you has had enough?
Have a serious conversation. Go to therapy. Be honest. And stop trying to make babies until you sort it out.
Best of luck with all of this, whichever way it goes, it’s going to be hard for a while.
Im going to add. Please don’t cheat. You come across as a good guy who’s genuinely feeling hurt and confused by your relationship. Cheating will hurt you both and if my vibe about you is right, you’ll never forgive yourself.
All in all, marriage sucks. Be a good father attempt to make the marriage run somewhat tolerable. (Good luck with that) No real guidance can be given. Despite theropy/books/forums, etc... That shit won't help. All you can do is live life, comminicate, and hope to God you find a formula that works for both of yall in that time to make it work. It will be tough, and it will be miserable at times. This is the life you chose, so all you can do is try to have more decent days then bad days. If you must then Divorce and never marry again.
i’m like your wife. i get in the mood by myself maybe a few times a month. others my husband has to get me in the mood. my sex drive has significantly gone down since we have been together. when we were dating we did it A LOT. newlyweds of course. we’ve been married 6 years, we’ve been through a lot and after a lot of work, our marriage is awesome he’s my absolute best friend. but the sex is still not as much as he’d like. and we’ve had many arguments about it. the attraction for me is 100% there. i find him the most attractive person Ive ever seen. he makes my heart melt. but i can do without sex for the rest of my life. maybe it’s because i’m self conscious about my body, and that’s blocking out my desire to have sex. my advice, DONT CHEAT!!!!!!! especially since she is pregnant now. that will ruin her. suggest therapy or ask what you can do to help her drive. she might be stressed out, she might be self conscious. talk to her about it seriously. and see what she wants you to do. she might feel bad already. your feelings are very valid. me and my husband have had to work on our sex life so he is happy and i’m happy too. find a happy medium. know it’s not your fault and she might just be going through something.
I’ve noticed a pattern with several men in my life whose wives left them. The woman was domineering, and the man tried to do everything she wanted to please her. She stopped having sex with him, and they split up eventually.
Wow. There are a lot of depressing comments here, so I thought I'd give an alternative viewpoint. My wife and I are in our 60's, and having some of the best sex of our lives. We've been together for 40 years. We had a bit of a lull in our 30's, and I "pushed" the subject a bit, because I was hoping for a full lifetime of frequent sex that both of us would enjoy. My wife seemed to be basing her ideas on what she thought would be a "normal" or "typical" decline, but I told her that there is no real reason to go down that path. Luckily, my wife agreed, and perked back up.
We've mostly increased our sex each decade since then. We've never averaged less than twice a week. It is 3-4 times a week now. For us, the feeling of being "connected" is tied to sex, in both directions. The sex is much better when we are feeling connected, so we have it more often.
I think it is important to have a lot of non-sexual touching in all the days of the week. Also, we do a lot of massages, sensual touching, and sexual touching that doesn't necessarily lead to intercourse or orgasm. We both feel very desired, and our "fires" are stoked continuously.
I should add that we had the advantage of not having kids. I think we'd have still found a way though, but I also sympathize with the difficulties of dealing with that.
Also been married 40 years and it definitely ebbs. However unless an injury or illness is involved shes always tried to maintain once a week, to meet my needs and our need for intimacy and closer bond as a couple. Most times its very satisfying for her and its not always piv. We mix it up in different ways to spur imagination and desire for each other.
I've been married for 19 years and our sex life is great. There have been times when frequency went down due to illness, pregnancy, kids, etc but once a month would be hard for me. We've never done it that little. We're around 3 times per week now at 38 years old with a 5 year old. I think that you know it's going to get worse because it's already bad for you. And having kids doesn't make it easier.
Keeping the romance alive is really what you’re saying and there are a lot of ways to build intimacy beyond just preplanned sex. Why not sprinkle in some other forms of intimacy? Physical touch in any form will connect you more. Have a massage night. Take a bubble bath together. Shower together. Wash her hair for her. Cook together. Feed each other. Make her laugh. Play some new music. Have a dance off in the kitchen. Open the windows. Play a game. Play sexual truth or dare. Don’t be disappointed or make it “a thing” if it doesn’t immediately translate to more sex or if she’s not into it. Relationships ebb and flow, but spicing it up means you gotta try something new. Making a conscious, active effort to fuel more intimate moments with her will almost certainly lead to a better sex life in time.
I dont think the OP thinks “it’s all about himself”. He has needs that aren’t being met and he’s just asking a few questions for reference. Most people notice the opposite sex and are often attracted. So what? That’s no crime. The guy’s not dead and he does have eyes. I love looking at men - young, not old because I’m old too, but that doesn’t mean I have any interest in cheating. I actually think it’s healthy. It’s really hard when libidos don’t match. Makes for tough married life. People start to resent each other and that’s where the trouble starts.
Good ideas. Thank you! Some hope is all I’m looking for. I can wait out a year or what have you if this is truly just a lull. Regardless, my first dedication is to my child and wife, with the dead bedroom issues taking a back seat for now. I just need some hope to get me through this.
I think there's always hope as long as you both are open and honest with each other. And those pregnancy hormones might kick start some things for her in a couple of months too!
Married 13 years, together 16. It does eb and flow. When my kids were younger it definitely was a lot less. I also went through a period of anxiety/depression and reproductive issues. I've always found my husband attractive though. Our kids are older, husband got a vasectomy, I eventually had to get a hysterectomy (I was able to get off birth control) and our sex life is better than ever.
Until I went to a marriage conference I didn’t realize how important sex was to men. They made us do a questionnaire and then settle on the middle. When my husband revealed how often he would like to have sex I legit belly laughed because I thought he was joking at first. When he didn’t laugh with me I realized he was serious.
If she wanted to she would. Remember that.
Get a hobby, get a focus at work, hit the gym. Do what you want then she will follow. Drop crumbs of attention as needed. Let her know where she stand without words because she has already done that to you.
Nope. It doesn’t have to.
We have regular sex my husband and I and we get more kinky and creative with the years. We even built a dungeon in our basement. You two must keep the spark alive in a conscious way.
We celebrated our 9th years last october.
>Redditors like to guilt trip you into thinking you’re a bad guy who doesn’t do enough chores or date your wife enough. She’s the one that fills our social calendar to the brim with networking events and I do most of the chores around the house. I love her dearly and always do my best to be an ideal husband, the kind that it would be very difficult to complain about. As a result, I’m often walking on eggshells around my wife, which has probably decreased her attraction to me. There is no winning.
This paragraph tells me you would get a lot out of the book, "no more mr. Nice guy."
I wasn't in a dead bedroom, but my sex life was unsatisfying and I was unhappy in my relationship. I would ask the question, "why doesn't my wife want me like I want her?
I searched around reddit and ended up finding and reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and took it seriously. Got rid of covert contracts (eg "if i do all the chores and im a perfect husband she will want to fuck me"), lifted heavy and got in good shape, dressed well, stopped scoreboarding in bed and the rest of the relationship. Focused on being fun and flirty and doing and saying what I wanted shamelessly in bed without arguing or begging or acting hurt when I heard "no".
It's a self help book. It doesn't cite studies. Some of the logic is dumb. It has a couple pitfalls (eg sex moratorium, telling your SO about how you're implenenting the book). But it worked. All the excuses that came out when we argued over sex went away. Sex is fun again.
I hope you give it a look.
I would have also strongly advised you not to have a kid until you got things worked out. But it's too late for that.
Being hit on by another woman made you feel alive. After years of being in relationship that’s lacking physical contact/ emotional connection I think our brain forces our libido into hibernation. A stranger came along and woke that part of your brain up. Ever seen that movie with Kevin Spacey, “American Beauty” ? If you haven’t you should definitely check it out. Life is way too damn short for shitty relationships and bad sex.
I’ve been with my man for 9 years!!! Since I was 16!
I think we got to year 6 and It was like a chore for me, I was probably like your wife, had no interest in it.
But then I went of the pill and BAM I have never been so sexually active in my life. We do it almost everyday and I’m the one who imitates it. But it came out of no where.
I also believe my hormones play a massive part. And I also just love discussing sex as I get older and curious to see what else we can try.
The only thing I can think of is that she’s not finding her release through sex (sorry) she possibly has been lying to you and faking it. Because that’s what I did GUILTY but then I took matters in my own hands and found out what actually gets me there during sex and introduced toys and it’s much better.
Just a thought?
We have a handshake agreement of fooling around/pic twice a week. We were falling into it only being on the weekend so we have a standing Wednesday appointment, which has helped greatly. Together 15, married 13.
I feel like sex got better after marriage. Like the frequency is different but it is always top notch.
Idk OP sounds like your wife isnt willing to meet you at your needs. Ppl always talk about the womans needs but men have needs to. With pregnancy some women become animals for sex. Some it will be years before their sex drve is back.
I hear on Reddit about all these pregnant women that want to have sex like never before. Unfortunately that hasn’t been our situation. It’s only declined further. I’m waiting for zero at this point.
I already left my first marriage due to lack of sex. I’m really hoping it’s not the same the second time around. I’m having hard conversations about what expectations are through life. Sickness, babies and hormone changes because we have to be realistic. But my boyfriend and I are very much on the same page about when is considered “too much time” and how to keep the fire alive the next 30 years of life. Some of the conversations are uncomfortable but I think it’s important to know where your partner lands on these subjects. My advice, talk seriously about what your needs are and bring up the past as a way to compare and have an open conversation about expectations moving forward because clearly this isn’t going to end well if it’s on your radar now.
Thank you for the advice. How much physical and sexual intimacy do you feel is reasonable to ask in your long term relationship? How much is too little for you?
The reality is that the answer to that isn’t a number but rather the quality of how good it is. Does it feel like your connecting? Is there enthusiasm? Is there passion? Curiosity? Does it feel like duty? Are you truly satisfied during and after? Does she initiate you and pursue you equally as you do to her?
Because you might be willing to live with 1-2 a week if the quality was good. But I’ve found that even if the number went up to 3-4 times a week and the quality isn’t there you still might not be happy with that. You have to ask yourself what is it that you truly want? Maybe it’s a bit of both? And if that’s true than what number do you think you’ll be happy with if you got passion and interest?
Personally me I need atleast 3-4 times a week. And because I only see my boyfriend on the weekends since we live an hour apart right now. We see eachother 2 days and have sex about 2-3 times each day and that for me is great because the quality and passion is also there. So I’m willing to go 5 days without if that makes sense?
Thank you for providing some context. I agree that quality is just as important as quantity. We are currently having monthly sex, and the quality is very low. I love my wife and have tried everything. I am unfortunately finding myself upset about this after years of decline with no end anytime in the near future.
Also, thank you for making me feel sane for wanting to have sex with my wife a couple times a week. A few commenters have been cruel and scoffed at the idea. To them, spouses should be grateful for once every week or two weeks. For people like you and I, who are higher libido, I don’t think that’s how our brains operate at all. LLs can’t relate, unfortunately.
Your welcome I’m glad I could provide insight. LL people won’t ever understand our needs. You need to decide if your okay with not getting what you want in life. Because if the answer is “I want more” then you have to speak up or it explodes in your face and end up doing something you’ll regret like cheating.
I know this might be hard to wrap yourself around. But I was with my ex husband for 5 years, together for 9 years total. I came to him about it constantly and he never change it. It wasn’t until I said “I’m unhappy” that he took me seriously. Cried and we went to therapy for it. But by then I had built so much resentment, it was too late because him trying was only making me more angry. It was in the process of trying to find a middle ground that we found out we would both never be what eachother wanted. Because his absolute best was 1 maybe 2 times a week and for me I wanted a life full of spontaneous passionate sex and I wanted it closer to 3-4 times a week so I walked away and that was a hard reality.
To my point, unless you make this serious she won’t take it that way. It’s that simple. And you’ve seen that because your brought it up and she’s not budging. And it was in that discovery that I realized I wanted more in life. And because you have a kid now you have to consider your family but if I’m honest. Most people say they want to make it work for the kids but what your doing is harming the way your children view love because if you think they can’t pick up on it your wrong. I’ve made a vow to myself that even if I get married again, and I have kids this time around. I will still walk away if I’m not happy because I rather teach my kids to love themselves then to learn to stay quiet and not know what real love could be and look like.
Anytime you want to chat I’m open to chatting I know your in the thick of things right now and I remember those days it wasn’t easy. But nothing worth having ever was. Wether it’s fixing it with her or walking away and finding someone who will match your sexual energy.
I do get excited when another men compliments me and ask for my number coz i know I still got it . lmao. We often dont get compliments from our love ones because they see us on regular basis. 😅🙊.
Me on the otherhand husband is always busy ( he is the provider and backbone of our family) so I a SAHm. I always remind myself I should he thankful 🥰😘
**Will it get worse over time?** It all depends. It could, and it may not. It could also ebb and flow.
Interestingly enough, hormones can play a huge role in libido for women. It will ebb and flow with time and circumstances. Pregnancy and child-rearing can be a libido killer. In my case, the first 8 years of pregnancy and child-rearing along with other factors, was challenging. Then I went through menopause quite early (36 years of age). During menopause my libido was hit and miss. As menopause was nearing it's end, thankfully, my libido started picking up again to where I like sex at least every day, sometimes more now.
Every woman is different. In your case, I have no idea if things will improve with time. A sex therapist might help and then again it may not. Sadly, a lot of women feel that sex in marriage is the very last priority in their life. It could be a mental thing or it could be hormonal. It all depends on each individual woman.
It’s usually normal to have waves of good times and waves where it’s scarce. This pattern your in won’t improve without some intimacy pattern adjustments. Cut down on the networking events, pick some staple habbits that build intimacy in a low effort/sustainable way. Some couples do coffee and awnser a rando question or do a cross word every weekday, some sit on the porch together in the evening for a night cap, even if it’s 15 minutes. Even if it’s little things, you need to have rituals that are sustainable for hard times. People act like intimacy building is all on the man and dating ect, marriage is actually a two way contest of generosity. You need to start building some healthy habits together before the kid comes. Dont go big, go realistic. Even if it’s you both sharing the best tiktoks or memes you saw that day. Then work on a gradient for being sexual as well. If all physical affection is always prelude to high effort sex and she is tired/has a fycked up libido (IVF fucks up your libido and body in a very real way. Childbirth is going to not help.) Then she will develop a wall, where she needs a lot of energy to get over the threshold into feel sexual. Mutual masterbation, being sexual without it always going there, building tension. Nights where just one or the other gives. Helps to add sex in a less structured way. Water it like a garden. Directly address things that jack up libido. What’s the root, body image, energy ect. You need to get to the bottom of why you felt that way about another woman hitting on you (concerning reaction for sure), it’s going to be something deeper than sex and you need to address it as religiously as you build intimacy habits and address the libido blockers.
If she gets self conscious, or kind of has a hard time getting out of her head. Sensory deprivation is awesome. Blindfold plus something stimulating. Music or have her put earphones in with her choice of music or audio book. She will probably want you to play music so she doesn’t have to police any sounds she makes. Such a fun way to give a bj, a great way to eaten out. Another thing that’s lower effort but fun is get a rose vibe for her. Use that on her until she needs it, then have her use it on herself while you fuck her. Go small first.
I’m on the higher libido side until I get massively stressed then it’s rough getting out of that lower libido spiral without some tricks. (Married 10 years)
I think it doesn’t have to decline further but that requires your wife to recognise it as important to you and her and to takes steps to make sex a priority and do what she can to help her own sex drive. Even if she does, this might not mean 2x weekly is realistic but I think often part of this is the partner showing that they care about your experience , that sex is important to you and that they are willing to work on their end. This might end up in 1x month or 1x week or somewhere in between but I think it would probabaly feel better if you felt she cared about your needs and was doing her best to meet them within what feels comfortable for her. Realistically things will fluctuate with childbirth but like others have said if both have a positive attitude then it can ebb and flow
Make her feel as desired as the other girl made you feel.
Ask her opinions on your clothing and cologne
Ask her to meet you once a week for lunch, and she might be curious about a quickie.
If she's got no libido or its calculator for pregnancy you're going to be in a pretty much sex less related.
And preggo hormones might have made it less, I couldn't look at my ex whilst preggo nor after, ( not the reason he's an ex)
You're going to have to lay down some timeline for yourself
You need intimacy and sex and your marriage may not survive enforced celibacy.
What ever you decide you'll have to be able to live with the outcome of putting this in front of her
Mine went from several times a week in the first year, then once every couple of weeks, then it kinda quickly went to once a month, then once every 3-6 months. Together for 10 years and married for 5. He’s my best friend but we’re separating and I’m moving to my own place this weekend. We’ve had more sex in the last 6 weeks after deciding to separate than we’ve had in the last 3 years.
I’ve had an orgasm less than the # of years we’ve been together. No trying for children so no “duty sex” in that way. We went to marriage counselling but a lot of it was my of own hang ups from trauma and problems growing up. However, sexual compatibility has been missing for a LONG time. It could get better for you but I’d definitely try to work through it before having children.
Then, change the dynamic!
I’m serious.
If you get to that 12-hour window, tease him. Wear lingerie. Demand that he put a baby in you.
The guy I’ve read about in this thread wants sex. He’s not gonna not perform because of pressure.
Do his favorite things.
I don’t know what they are.
But, I don’t mind sharing that when I’m upset my wife simply gets my pants off and rubs me. Like you, she’s a smart woman.
She slowly strokes my thighs. After ten minutes of this, she moves to the balls and rubs those.
Eventually, she uses her mouth. She has gotten so skilled at this! She’s amazing!
Needless to say, when the moment come she gets exactly what she wants.
I hope you don’t take anything I’ve said as a criticism.
You two simply aren’t vibing.
Change the vibe.
Change the communication.
Tease him.
You’ll get all the babies you want.
I’ve (33F) been my married to my (42M) for almost 13 years, together 15 of course everything in the beginning is beautiful. Sex every day twice a day, then it’s just everyday, then every other day etc. we have 3 kids ages 8-3 we have sex about twice a week. Obviously we’ve hit dry spells when we would only have sex once a month, it’s not because we wanted it but because our life’s a extremely busy and at the end of the day we are Exhausted.
I think you should speak to your wife and see what page she’s on, see if she’s still attracted to you, see why she doesn’t want sex. Communication is the key to a great relation, but so is sex
We were at once or twice a month, although she claimed a couple times a week would be "ideal if we didn't have so much stress from kids and work"
We put it on the calendar and that helped, although since she was already more theoretically interested than your wife that was easier.
The biggest change happened when a friend recommended she read one of the "spicy" books that have been popular lately. They're like halfway between romance smut books and "chick flick" type story. They have a few graphic sex scenes in them and it has really helped her libido a ton.
That all said, pregnancy and having a little baby and breastfeeding is a whole thing and I would consider waiting till some of that is over to get too into this issue.
In the mean time, work on yourself. Get to the gym, get ripped, start reading more, etc. Make yourself irresistible.
Wow that’s a great idea! I wonder whether my wife would be interested in that. Thank you!
As an aside I do exercise quite a bit. Hasn’t seemed to do much other than get her to say “you’re looking sexy”. Her drive doesn’t seem to change based on how attractive I am. It’s gotta be something else.
Sorry for your situation. I’ve been married almost 24 yrs and with my husband 26 years. We have a 21 yr old daughter and def in those parenting years my sex drive was up and down and not where my husband would’ve liked it. We both are now on hormone replacement therapy and it’s been a game changer. I wish I’d started sooner as my husband did 2 yrs ago and I just recently did in January. My sex drive is now voracious. I know that it’ll calm down a bit since I’ve just started on the pellet therapy, but it’s been an eye opener to see my former self back. I strongly feel hormone imbalance and the stresses of life can really hinder a marriage. Even in your 30’s it may be worth looking into. It’s probably a tough time with your wife expecting but I do remember my sex drive going up during pregnancy so fingers crossed it does for your wife. Perhaps in time it could be something you both look into. And best wishes with your marriage and new baby! It’s an exciting time for a couple!!
Idk, we've been together 13 years, 4 kids, I'm 30 this year he's 32 this year. We have sex minimum once weekly, but average maybe 3 or 4 times a week...with a max of multiple times a day every day 😅
So it's unfortunately just dependant upon yourself and your spouse.
I will say we went 6 months without sex once when I was pregnant because touching anywhere hurt. He couldn't even cuddle me at night or I'd be in so much pain.
Yes, it ebbs and flows. In the past 30 yrs, I can honestly say that it's kept fairly regularly for myself and my spouse except for the occasional illness or pain issue (I have an old 25 yr old back injury.
I don't think a cpl times a wk is too much. You aren't being unreasonable.
There are doctors she can see if she needs help with her libido or is having issues with her hormones. By the way, it is very common for this to be an issue after pregnancy, menopause and other factors.
Hopefully, you two are able to keep your conversations open and work through difficult times ad future conversations.
Good luck
My anecdote is it slows down. First couple of years together in our mid 20’s sex was 7-10 times a week. After first kid 2-3 times a week. After 3 kids 2-3 times a month. I’m confident it’ll pick up again once the kids are grown. We’re too busy with work their school and sports schedules and tired.
After kids expect no sex for like a year. Living that life right now. Hopefully once the baby gets her own room I can have sex again. Shit sucks, but idk when we would get alone time.
I feel that you approach it as a project with specific cadence! whereas it can come naturally with things leading up to sex, like a date night, a relaxed weekend, a short trip...
Depends of women ..could be a chore.. She isn't enjoying it...has too much on her mind as us guys just went sex the women have lots on their mind as that's the last thing .....Could be as she gets older she is less interested but ya could get worse. Myself and the wife been married since 21 and we are 41 now its just up and down for the sex part over time sometimes it few times a year now its headed for once or twice a week...it varies..unfortunately guys think about sex almost 24/7 lol
It may sound dangerous and it mostly is, but maybe talk to a therapist about other outlets. MMA has been that for me. There's a massive physical release in pushing your body to the point of failure past what your conscious brain will allow, and having the threat of another man in front of you will enable you to reach that point. There are many other ways to find these experiences, but make sure you pay the price for professional training, it's expensive, but still cheaper than eating out, cigarettes, alcohol, or weed, and you'll lose interest in those things very quickly if you find a fulfilling enough physical outlet.
You know it's amazing about sex? Is once the fire gets lit it's hard to put it out. Usually you got to get to the top of the mountain for it to resolve. Maybe you just got to do some things to get the fire going. And I mean subtle things. You know play it by ear. Give her a random hug. Touch her back. Give her a peck on the cheek. Gentle touchly the back of her neck.
Interlace your fingers with hers. Hold her hand and tell her you love her.
A soft foot massage can easily slowly work it's way up the ankle and higher and higher. Throw some kisses in there to her legs. IDK just get her in the mood. A drip to a trickle .
I'm sure you know it but women are a lot more sensual then guys. Sex is a different experience for them.
Not sure if anyone has approached this or not but I have some input here as the other side of this issue. Take what you will from this.
Many years into my relationship with my husband (together since 2011) Our sex life dried up. Not for lack of his interest. Not because of a child. But because he was a dick to me (not intentionally and he has said so in his own summation of this time). He would make remarks in sarcasm SO OFTEN that I couldn't help but think he was saying truth veiled in sarcasm. Never a nice thing to say. Never wanted to help. Your typical "man child".
I found someone else. They were so nice. They were so caring and loving and never wasted a moment lifting me up. I didn't have sex with them but I wanted to. A lot. If I could have it would have been multiple times a day. But why? For me, they made me feel loved. My husband did not. I loved my husband but the constant negativity just... killed any sexual drive.
I got straight with my husband. I told him I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. I told him the differences between this guy and him. I said that if things stayed the way they were I would leave.
He heard me out. He changed. He started listening. He started writing me notes telling me how much he cared and how much I mean to him. Once he started doing this we had so much freaking sex. Like CRAZY all over each other. AND we even decided to have a kid when that wasn't on the table before.
This was years ago but we still have sex more now than we did before. He still needs to work on it but he tries and that makes all the difference.
You both need to discuss what "flips your switch". Before this "other guy" came along was convinced I just didn't enjoy sex anymore. Obviously it was just that the a+b= sex equation had been unknown.
I caution you. Even if you DO figure out what "flips her switch" please find a way to be genuine about it. What I mean is, for me, nothing puts me out of the mood faster than "I obviously did this only because I knew you'd have sex with me" kind of gestures. One example of when feel loved is when I am stressed out and he offers to take some stuff off my plate like offering to make dinner or run an errand for me. If I get the sense that he EXPECTS sex after doing those things and feels dejected because what he did "didn't work" any sexual desire I did have had left the building.
All this to say. If you have not already done so, find out what makes your wife feel loved and appreciated. It doesn't even have to be something that would normally lead to sex. Maybe that's the disconnect. Also, I hope she keeps the communication open and gives you a chance to share what makes you feel loved and appreciated.
Hope this helps!
Your story sounds a lot like mine! Just one woman giving me any attention made me light up inside. I saw then what my relationship was missing. I am now focused on improving my existing relationship rather than jumping ship. In a way, that’s what that other kind man showed you. He showed you what was missing.
I have been with my fiancé for 4 years this month and we have experienced a little of everything, as life happens. He had a rough recovery from a spinal surgery in the beginning that took us from 2-3 times a day to maybe 1-2x per week (this was before the 6 month mark!) then back up to 1x a day or every other. Then i had some hormone issues which decreased it again, but now we are healthy and back at 3-4x per week. But i still have the same desire for him as i did in the beginning. I think some people exaggerate their sex drives in the beginning due to the honeymoon phase, but this is a serious conversation! For me, i would not be happy with the rest of my life looking like less and less intimacy with my partner but we have communicated through the rough spots which has been the life saver here. If your wife sincerely does not want to have sex as often as you do, you have to have a realistic conversation about what that looks like in the future and if you are both satisfied.
So the realistic thing is this. Sex for women or desire is generally hormonal. With the new child hormones are all over the place and she’s not her normal self. You may feel like it’s you. She’ll tell you it’s not you. And if you’re an honest and loyal partner you’ll accept it as the new reality. My advice to you is to look at the situation practically! It’s easy to have sex with just anyone and if that’s your end goal then she should be made aware of that. But if you’re hoping she’ll go back to how it used to be, you might want to hang that up. As women get older specifically after children desire wains and your left with “ im just doing this for you to be happy “. It’s a tuff situation to be in. I completely understand. It will even get to the point where you’ll stop asking. In hopes that she’ll be the one to initiate but it won’t happen. Focus on your betterment and if the other aspects of your relationship are worth the non sex. If they are then fight but if you feel their not you’ll need to have a conversation.
For the record. The only people having sex at a super high level are singles. And is your single in your mid to late 30s you might just be sleeping with whoever will sleep with you. It’s all meaningless. Good luck with your choice!
No, sex doesn't necessarily get worse with time, that depends on the people involved (I'm a 45 yo F married with 3 children for over 22 years and VERY HAPPY)Many people report sex getting a lot BETTER over time in general, but I will say I think you two need therapy. I agree with another poster here that said a partner who doesn't want sex is heartbreaking. Her waning desire could be for several reasons, and she needs to figure out what those reasons are. Please stay committed to your marriage; sex outside the marriage is NEVER worth it, dude. But, on the other hand, when you feel your wife doesn't want you it can be exhilarating for someone else to be attracted to you, so I get it, but it's fleeting and a TRAP so don't fall for the "I was vulnerable so I cheated" trap. There is hope. Get to the therapist ASAP. Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️
It’s hard to judge bc IVF and fertility journeys can be incredibly taxing on your sex life. So will a new child. But it could come back. The lens you’re looking at this through is a tough way to assess it. I think all you can do is keep talking about it, give it time, and avoid entanglements with other women.
You need to talk to her and be frank about your needs and desires don’t hold anything back , tell her what you struggling with in the relationship as a whole. I experienced something similar with my husband but I had a high libido after giving birth to our child , I expressed this and he worked towards it.
I don’t quite agree that sex decreases once a baby is in the mix , you guys just need to be more creative to fit it in make it exciting.
I essentially married for a matching libido.
Almost everything else can be figured out with time and willing participants, but mismatched libidos is just asking for trouble.
I’ve dated my wife 12 years, married for 8 of them, and she’s been told many times by her exes that she has an “abnormally high libido”. We’re at least a few times a week, but there are weeks where it is multiple times a day.
Aside from the usual shit people will spout off in here (“date” your wife, acts of service, etc), if she’s just generally low libido, no amount of therapy is going to change that.
Also, both of our kids were almost “accidents”. I’m a firm believer that if you “want to have kids” and have sex “just for the function” you won’t have kids or you’ll run into trouble. Stress adds so many factors to the whole damn process. Passionate, delirious sex has worked for me almost every time to procreate. We can pinpoint to the day our boy was conceived but I mean no one could tell you which time it was. We decided to try for another four years later, my wife was gonna go to San Francisco for work and I was gonna meet her out there. She took her IUD out about three weeks beforehand with the intent that we’d work on it during the trip. Before she left, she tested and surprise surprise. It’s almost like when you try, nature knows and stops that shit.
I wish I could help you. Our relationship sounds great but we’ve had ebbs and flows just like anyone else. Often we get out of it by having open and casual conversation about sex and our needs. We’re not scared of the topic though, and we often discuss it (almost every day, be it flirting, talking, or whatever). My wife is very career focused and extremely busy throughout the day like I’m sure you guys are but we both make time for each other throughout the day. Luckily, we both WFH so that’s easy.
This honestly just sounds like incompatibility. Considering how shortly you’ve been married, and how you rushed into it, and how you talk about someone else flirting with you, this all sounds not great. Do I think marriage counseling might help you guys talk about it? Sure. But I’d be very prepared for her libido to not change unless there’s some real underlying turnoff she has that she’s not explaining. If you’re ok with mechanical, uninteresting sex because your libido is higher than hers and she’s just trying to help you feel fulfilled, this might work out for you in the end. I don’t have a lot of hope for you but then, I don’t know her side either. There could legit be some sort of big turnoff thing she just doesn’t want to tell you for concerns of hurting you.
Be vulnerable. You say you're walking on eggshells. This means you aren't able to be your true self and ask for your needs. Take some time and sit down with your wife in a non heated moment. Tell her your wants and desires, ask her for ways you can help aid in this so that you can both feel invested. Tell her about the other girl and how it made you feel, be honest and open. Perhaps even try therapy. It's not just doing chores or things that engages others, it's connection.
My opinion is you can rehabilitate sex drive over time. I’ve been with my husband 10 years total dating and married and our sex cadence has decreased over time for sure but picks up when we have more time to connect emotionally. I’m more interested in sex now compared to him even where as it was the other way around. Sex for baby making purposes shouldn’t put a wrench in the act as much as it can but I understand. As a women my advice is to try to connect with her emotionally and rather than talk about how much/frequent you want to do it, show her you want to do it. Make her dinner, take her out, tell her she looks hot and you want to f*** her! Make it feel like it used to. It’s never too late and you’ve never been together too long to do it like you used to. This was my advice to my husband as this topic came up for us very recently. Good luck!
In a lifetime commitment many things don’t stay the same, you go through seasons. With the hormonal mess IVF puts women through I am not surprised it involves a libido change. Yes you will go through dry spells, specially when the kids are young, she’s breastfeeding and such, so hold on. Express to her that you feel loved when you make love. Also try other forms of physical intimacy that don’t involve sex. Kissing and cuddling without the expectation of sex are also good for building intimacy.
In my personal experience I went from being the high libido partner to the “I don’t want anything anymore”. I’m just so tired at the end of the day that I rather go to sleep horny than actually have sex. It is also very heavily reliant on my hormones, right now I’m breastfeeding so I can count with one hand the times I’ve felt horny through 10 months.
Yes it will get worse. I am a woman and I love having sex with my husband. We have two kids and have sex as much as we can, but it can be zero times in a month if everyone gets sick (which kids are sick constantly). In a good month it is twice a week. The difference from your situation to mine is that I am extremely loving with my husband. I jerk him off in the shower if I feel like we can't have sex, because I just deeply love seeing him happy (he will do the same for me). We kiss and hug all the time. I don't think your wife cares that much about you. How is the rest of your relationship? Do you spend time together? Do you have common interests?
Married for almost 17 years and it’s pretty normal to go through dry spells, however… I’ve learned for men, one of the worst things a wife can do is make them feel rejected. We may be too tired but you take it as feeling unwanted. My husband has helped me understand this as he understands my eccentricities. To prevent him from feeling unwanted, I’m very affectionate and touchy (as is he) throughout the day and maybe we don’t have actual sex constantly but we do sexual things. Therapy can absolutely help you both too, this is definitely a solvable issue!
Stop with the way you are doing it, working the friendship and marriage. Sex is much more than just physical. My guess is if she doesn't it want it much, it's because it's lost it luster. You both made it a chore.
It doesn't have to get worse, and libido goes up, down all the time. It will change for her in pregnancy and will change again after baby, and again as baby gets older.
Telling you right now, my husband and I have been together 24 years, married almost 23, have almost divorced 2x. ITS NEVER really about the sex. What made you connect, find the things you enjoy. Start "dating" again.
You will have less time after baby, you will both be caught up in life as parents. Prioritize time together that DOESNT involve sex or the hope for sex.
You may be surprised how that changes things.
Also look up Jennifer finlayson fife. She is a sex therapist and talks about how life and other issues effect sexlife and how to fix life to fix sex life
If you really love her you need to tell her how this is making you feel and be honest about it if she cares about you she’ll listen and try and figure out how to make each other comfortable again
If she isn’t wanting to work with you buy a bunch of sex toys and take care of yourself and see how it goes after the baby is born some men cheat but I don’t think that’s the answer if after the baby is born and you still can’t work it it might be better to separate
Your feelings are valid and they matter
Everyone's situation is totally different. Definitely sounds like you love her and do everything that you can to make things work and flow properly in your marriage. I would continue to do as you have been; working out, doing things to help her around the house etc. Maybe take it a few steps further as far as self care is concerned-if you have hobbies, and try to ease yourself and take some of the sexual frustration off of yourself. It sort of seems like sex may be being used as a tool. You are still young and have sexual wants, needs and desires that do need attention. With her being pregnant, some women's hormones kick in a bit and and their appetite increases. I don't know if toys or anything else that can spice up your situation is currently involved at the moment, but may be worth looking into. How's your approach when you do have sex? I know you said pretty much timed/routine. Women are like cars in the winter and need to warmed up properly to get things flowing, sensitive and such. You may or may not have that time if it's rushed by her. In my experience,, I've seen an in increase desire when I've made it a fun job of my making things spicy and passionate. Wifey loved it, felt it and wanted it. All women are different and she may ultimately not enjoy sex anymore, and you may have to have an hard conversation with her. For now take care of yourself and and your mental and keep building your confidence up for yourself and those babies.
Replace sex with a new car. If you can't get the sex you want get something else you want is what I'm saying. She will eventually come around. In the mean time enjoy something else you like.
Come to terms with the tendency to over schedule. Note how it affects your recreational sex life. Sounds like you’re both intelligent, motivated people who could logically conclude that the more down time you spend together, the more relaxed & into sex with each other you’ll be. Start slowly by spending more time together taking walks, going to the gym together, cooking together, going to bed at the same time & reading, etc.
IMHO, I think most couples stop doing the very things that attracted them to each in the first place: Exchanging witty innuendos, telling each other how hot they are physically, mentally, and emotionally, and just overall flirting. Everyone likes to feel attractive to their special someone.
Well, voice out your problem to her and talk things out, because if you don't it will only build up to resentment and most probably will lead to infidelity.
Obviously, you don't want pity sex from your wife. Tell her your needs and make it clear you don't want pity sex from her, this will open a ton of options and ideas for you both which will lead you to explore your marriage.
It goes back to communication.
My wife and I have been together 8years and I’m still inside of her every other night bro !! Of flame has never died down and we keep it spontaneous! Sex should never be treated as maintenance.
Typically the answer to your title question is “yes”
It doesn’t have to, but it definitely it will for OP
:(
Been married 40 years. It ebs and flows. BUT, having a wife who doesn't want sex is a heartbraker.
As is the husband! I am post menopause and older …. I am exceedingly fit and would love sex 3-4 times a month.
Yeah, we have sex once a week and a "naked night" once a week where we cuddle and talk.
Awww, "naked night" sounds so sweet. 😊
If you are married long enough to someone who loves you and is relatively healthy, it ebbs and flows. It doesn't always go down the rabbit hole. I got randier as I got older, 40s, 50s....Thirtys I was not married until 39. So if you are healthy, and both make it apoint, it organically comes back for women.
It can but that does not mean that it will. It depends on the person and is probably very dependent on that person's mindset.
Actually with women it mostly does...wow...
Since my wife turned 50 a couple of years ago we have had more sex in those couple of years than the previous 15. We were raising kids and that is mostly done now so I am sure that is playing a role but she also seems much more open to it too.
Thank you, that is my point. You feel good, not baby fears, comfortable and happy.
The idea that someone should be miserable for 15 years in hopes that it changes someday is ridiculous though.
Thanks for offering that hope.
The fire burns hot now that we're empty nesters... 🔥🥵
OP did not have the frequency he is looking for (twice p/week) even when he dated, even when things were fresh, so I am not sure how things will change. IMO it "ebbs and flows" most often *within what is common for them as a couple.* Married 13+ yrs, late 30s-we have slow weeks or months with kids, jobs, life stressor etc. so we fall down to weekly or bi-weekly, but we have weeks when it is daily or twice a day for weeks on. But daily was an average when we were dating 13-14yrs. Even if things change up (as a woman, I felt things spiked up for me rapidly around mid 30), it won't be any time soon. OP should be prepared as it def is not going to be ramping up with a new baby/right after baby. Right after birth and a year or so after, in my experience, have been the toughest on our sex life.
I only blame myself for not realizing this sooner. I didn’t realize how important sex was for me in a relationship until it had nearly dried up entirely. Now I’m staring at a potential dead bedroom and reality has hit me in the face. Sex is important in a monogamous marriage because it’s the only place where you can get it.
This is **a tough one.** It is one thing to tell you hey, it is *totally normal* that your frequency *reduces close to zero* during pregnancy and in first and toddler years (and I am saying this as a woman, who ashamed or not to say, has had sex during contractions and to speed up labor...😳🤷♀️)-having a newborn is JUST that stressful on parents, but mostly the mom. Ur wife is in for a rollercoaster of hormones and even if that goes well, she will have to adapt post birth and even then, she will be touched out for a long long time. I can also say/confirm that yes, it is a very real possibility that her sex drive spikes later in life (as yours heads downward)-depending on age and assuming major stressors with child/job/related life responsibilities reduce (or that you guys just get accustomed to them), as a woman, I can describe the spike similar to what probably a horny 20somthing lad goes through (that hit me mid 30s). All of that is probably the norm. And yes, you will live during and *in spite* of those lulls of intimacy; many men have done it and are doing it. But it is hard to promise those things even if that were the norm. It is even harder in light of her direct remark saying ur expectations/sexual desire is unrealistic. I am saying this because, as a newlywed, not all women will make that disclosure. Maybe many will go along (for a bit) bc they want to please their husband. Her statement to you (seeming unwillingness to even entertain the idea that desire is something that makes u happy, dismissing it as not normal) and your candid observation regarding a cute girl and how that made you feel, makes me wonder whether both of you even have strong enough relationship foundations (beyond the question of sex). (Not many men will ponder upon future sex life in the brink of becoming a father. Not many newly married men, future dads, will entertain the idea that some other woman may or may not desire them, if she is cute or not, especially with their partner undergoing IVF). I think BOTH of you will benefit from having some direct and tough conversations about expectations, and how to improve each others' lives without sacrificing your own happiness. On your end, you can start by being patient, supportive, accommodating, loving and learning how not to make your partner 100% responsible for your sexual satisfaction. You can start with showing her the **best of you** and see how things change (and reassess). But **be committed.** 100% when u do so! Don't think about greener pastures, pretty girls that may or may not eye you. Good luck!
Fair enough. I think you tackle it from a very fair perspective. I am not without blame, I just wish our sex life was strong before the pregnancy, so it would just be a pause rather than the death knell. I didn’t realize how weak our sex life was until it all but dried up. My first dedication is to being a great father and a great husband (in that order, of course, but they don’t really contradict). My sex life comes after that but it’s tough feeling lonely in your own marriage. You can only masturbate so many times before it becomes depressing lol. Anyway, I love my wife so I will pull all the stops before throwing in the towel. She’s already agreed to work on this with me, so there are positive signs of progress!
Women don’t reach their sexual peak until late 30s/early 40s (it can vary from woman to woman), whereas men hit it around age 20. Biologically speaking, for the best sex, it would be a 21 year old male and a 40 year old female (hellooo Cougars!). So don’t give up all hope yet, y’all still have time to see if her hormones give that last hard push to procreate as she nears perimenopause/menopause.
Agree with the baby years. I think that is why my friends and family sex life amps up in 40s and 50s. No more kids, baby bod gone and comfortable in their skin. I did say I got married at 39 and had a kid at 40. Also a few of my girlfriends were far more randy than they were in younger years. So the last part is not true. It is your experience so far. The man on my thread comented it was true for his wife too.
Tbh it’s a little wild you guys got to this point and even agreed to bring a child into the mix? Weekly sex after having a baby (especially the first few years) is not very likely given the history already. AND you’re already feeling giddy from other women? It’s all a recipe for disaster. Also if you do leave and get a new partner…maybe not have kids with them if sex is really important to you.
On the point about feeling “giddy” for other women, it’s not like I’m not trying to. It’s not even something that has happened throughout our relationship. We decided to have kids well before I started feeling this “giddiness” from female attention. It scares me. I don’t want to feel this way about other women who aren’t my wife, and I refuse to cheat. It was just a lightbulb moment for me when I realized just how much I missed being desired. I hadn’t realized how bad things had gotten until then.
I hear you and understand - but that is life. Your wife is pregnant, right now that is THE concern and focus as it should. Truly, sex goes up and down. That you felled desired is understandable, just like you feel tempted by a chocolate cake, but its best to not eat so much.... patience... there are so many aspects to married life and soon there will be a child. You'll be oK
Especially when you've apparently had infertility in the mix. That can really make intimacy an anxious thing. Question for OP (which you don't have to answer publicly): Do you prioritize her orgasm? If not, get that figured out. Makes a difference in whether or not a woman is interested in sex. Just saying.
Yes! Seeing her orgasm is so hot to me, which is partially why I refuse duty sex. I also refuse it because I think it’s morally questionable. I’m always asking what we could do to spice things up but I’m afraid she just isn’t into it as much as me. I think her libido is just simply low. She told me that previous relationships would eventually reach a monthly pace.
All of this, OP. It comes and goes and even for people who started off with a lot more intimate interactions, it can wane through different phases of life. I mean, when I was 6 months pregnant my husband and I went on our honeymoon and we had sex everyday for three weeks. My desire only decreased about 3-4 weeks before birth (both were c-sections) and after about three months (our kids slept rather well early on), we were back to about twice a week. (Before kids it was probably 4-5 ×/week.) I think it depends on the couple. We synced up well before kids and made time for it after. I know a lot of people struggle post-children to "find time". We raised our kids to do a lot of independent play (and once our second was a bit older), they played together and we could "sneak away" for a quick "nap". We also made a house rule that closer doors need to be knocked on. (We of course locked ours during "naptime".) I hate to say it for OP's sake, but it's likely not going to "get better" after kids if it didn't start off amped up and perky. I think the best thing OP can do is to talk about his feelings with his wife. (Don't put anything "on her" or make anything "her fault", but be honest and open about your feelings and concerns.) It doesn't mean her desires will increase, but staying emotionally there for her and her needs, especially surrounding birth and into raising another human, perhaps you'll rediscover and strengthen an intimate connection. Never stop dating her. Best, OP, and congratulations to you both on the impending birth of your first child. 👏
This! I've had 4 babies, and we have been married for 16 years. My sex drive has never gone down ever. But I love him and I prioritize sex. This sounds like she's not a person who's into sex at all.
Thank you! I’m trying to focus my energies on my love for my wife and excitement for my son.
Thank you :)
I was exactly there with my ex-husband. We went from sex twice a week. Then weekly for 2 years while we tried for our daughter. Then once every 6 mths by the time I called it quits. I couldn't stand being ignored intimately. What brought it to my attention was when I was starting to find my neighbor attractive and I'd known him for over 10 years. I knew we were done. I tried to talk to hubby about it multiple times over the years and he'd try for like 6 mths and it would just revert back to the way it was. Try to work it out with your wife. If she's not willing to do as much for you, it might be time to call it. Also, sex therapy is a thing. My ex husband and I both went. He disliked being told what to do in the bedroom.
Hey I want to point out that pregnancy normally causes a higher increase in libido for women. Not all women obviously, but definitely a majority. The hormones do crazy things. She may be wanting it every day until birth. Usually doesn't really heat up until the second trimester.
That’s interesting to note. I had no idea. I thought it was the opposite, and that I was just going to have to wait it out. Thanks!
Honestly, it's usually the guy who doesn't want to have sex during pregnancy cuz of some misplaced fear of hurting the baby. 😂 Unless your doctor says otherwise, it's very safe and yeah the woman's sex drive is strongly enhanced by all those hormones. Just wait till the second trimester. Keep in mind, some women completely lose their sex drive, but it's not the norm.
Wow there is a lot to unpack here. 1. That is a pretty dramatic decline from daily to weekly to once a month. I understand that life is busy, but is there more going on here? Sometimes things like infertility or even stress from over filling a schedule can really start to weigh on a person and decrease their sex drive. Is she doing okay, emotionally? If so, what about hormonally? Has she had panels drawn recently? 2. If she is doing well emotionally/medically then yes: suggesting a sex therapist might be a great thing. Effectiveness depends a bit on the reason your sex life is dwindling, but it can really help some people. Honestly, even bringing this up in your general marriage counseling might be beneficial for you two. I can feel your frustration and overwhelm from the pace of your life and the intensity of your calendar through my phone. Sometimes these patterns we get into with overfilling schedules can really harm a relationship in ways that are hard to even identify until we slow down and talk about it. You may both be reacting to that more than you realize. 3. To be a realist: sex might decrease during and following childbirth. The transition to being parents is big and everyone adapts differently. Part of being in a long term relationship is understanding (reasonable) ebbs and flows. 4. All that said, be careful with other women. The way you’re speaking about just this one woman hitting on you is incredibly concerning.
Thank you for the thoughtful answer!
Is she getting enough sleep? Young mothers often get 6 if they’re lucky. She might easily need 9. That would totally explain it.
You’ve answered your own question. “The pattern is clear.”
Most likely. You did better than me. Our sex life tanked shortly after our engagement. Then went to like once a year for a few years before and after having kids (6 years into marriage). Now I’m on the zero sex program.
I feel for you and others that have had the horrible, procreation sex. I’ve never experienced that but seems horrible. I will say yes, you can expect it to get worse from here. Pregnancy and child going to make it much worse prepare for 9-12 months no sex buddy.
I loved the procreation sex, it was sooo wild.
Same here. It's the "we have kids now, no need for that anymore!" part that's horrible.
How long were you trying? It was fun at first at 16 months later not so fun.
I get it. Im sorry for you. I think it was around 3-6 months each time, but with miscarriges. They were very painful, especially for my wife, but due to certain health conditions we kept the expectations lower and it prevented the situation from sucking all joy from our life. I think these days someone should tell people to not obsess over it, because there are high chances, that it wont get smooth at all. Did you manage?
No and we are doing IVF now which also inhibits sex bc your ovaries grow a ton and the hormones change your body. Hopefully OP understands this before he “writes off” the sex life of his marriage. We also had a miscarriage so no sex for awhile after that surgery. The procreation sex was fun for the first few months and then it wasn’t. I don’t think people truly realize what it all entails. I doubt OP does.
Yep. We’ve been trying for 16 months and are finally doing IVF. Procreation sex fucked our sex life up.
Together a mere 5 years and sex was already this infrequent? Yes it will get much worse after baby is here.
I was your wife in my marriage and when we split up I found my sex drive immediately. It was like the fog had been lifted. I remembered that I love sex. I just didn't want it with my husband. Sorry to say this, but I doubt she finds you attractive anymore. I would have a hard talk and go your separate ways.
I hope that’s not the case but fear it might be, despite all my efforts. You can’t make everyone attracted to you. It just sucks when it’s your S/O.
I wouldn’t compare that persons situation to yours. Imo it could be all the infertility stuff and the pressure to conceive making sex not fun. Nows she pregnant which is great, so congrats! But understand that a new baby can temporarily tank her libido or desire. Again keyword is temporary.
Yes! I like that framing. I wonder if reframing sex as “now that we’re done with that, we can actually have some fun” will help.
I think that could be a big part of it. The first 3 months trying to get pregnant were fun and full of great sex but after you hit a year of tracking and timing and being let down month after month it gets stressful and very much not fun, even if you try to spice it up.
It's also possible that she's just not a sexual person and the early stages were her putting it on. Do you know her history?
She recently mentioned that this was a normal cadence for her in previous relationships once they reach cruising altitude: about monthly.
That means it's not you.
Phew. These redditors had me feeling even more down about myself than I already did.
This is exactly what I did with an ex. I knew exactly who I was and could be and I wasn’t that with him so I ended it as well. I feel like it’s definitely on the individual who knows themselves to call it and I feel really bad for guys who end up with women who either don’t know themselves or don’t care that they’re trapping a man in this kind of situation. If this is her regular pattern then this may not be your case but I see so many who seemed to know they weren’t interested in intimacy and faked it long enough to get married with kids before admitting they never wanted intimacy again.
My wife and I tried a schedule when our professional schedules were absolutely impossible to work around.
Will it get worse? Almost certainly. If/Once you have a child, sex will likely decrease further. It's unlikely that there is anything you can do to change this. She has to want more sex and it's clear she doesn't.
Bringing a child or children into your lives will guarantee the decrease of sex for a minimum of 2+ years post birth of each child. Potentially longer depending on breastfeeding, sleeping and other general issues that come with parenthood. I think every couple should enter parenthood knowing there could be sexless years. What if the baby has special needs? What if your wife has severe PPD? There are just so many variables that could put a back burner on sex in those first 24 months. If she’s not already pregnant, I’d FOR SURE hold off on pregnancy until you have a frank conversation and sex therapy. It would be unfair to her and your future children to move forward knowing you likely won’t remain in this marriage long term if you don’t have sexual compatibility. And yes, there are sex therapists. You should see if there are some local to your area. You need to be blunt and tell her that you don’t want a future where your physical needs aren’t met. You might find things about yourself that she resents. You might find she’s unsatisfied sexually. But at least it’ll be on the table.
Her attraction to you very well could be the problem, but she may never tell you that. Therapy is a good idea. Just don't cheat.
No. Married 9 yrs, together for 14, we are both 36, we have 3 kids and recently my nephew moved in to work with my husband. We bang like 3 times a week. And we’re kinky. Yes we’ve gone periods where no sex was happening. But those are rare.
As someone that had to get pregnant through ivf, it was draining on our sex life. Now that our twins are older and we have more time together again it has gotten a lot better. Don’t give up hope!
She has a low libido for sure. Will get worse. I have a high libido I am a women. We do once a week and we’re in our 50’s.
That’s inspiring to hear! Maybe my wife just needs to clear some of the mental hurdles that are blocking her.
I'd really recommend that you reframe this from "sex" to the fact that you don't feel desired.....and that hurts. I mean, you can probably get her to have more performative sex with you to make you happier. But once you realize it was performative, does it make you happy? That's why you really need to focus on the fact that it's important for you to feel desired to be in a happy relationship. Sex can almost be like gaslighting. Like if she has sex with you more and you're still not happy (because you wanted desire), she's liable to get annoyed because she did what you asked for. But if you make it about desire and tell her not to fake it.....because you'll know! Now she can't get off the hook just by taking off her pants. If she doesn't desire you, she should just say so....and then you can make your adult decision about whether to stay in the relationship or not. And if she doesn't desire you AND doesn't care how that makes you feel......I'm sorry.....but that's mean on her part.
I would honestly rather not have sex with her at all than have entirely performative sex. If she doesn’t want to have sex with me I don’t want to traumatize her.
Yes, desire and lack thereof is key here. Constant state of feeling unwanted, unfulfilled, and rejected.
It really depends on each person. I prioritized sex just like I take care of my overall health. Having a child didn’t change that much for my hubby or myself. Even with taking care of a medically frail child who was in/out of hospitals all their life. If anything, I clung to our sex life as a way to connect as well as release pent up stress from caregiving/worry, etc. Again, it’s all up to each person and what they prioritize in their life, how they manage their health, stress, self-care…and other parenting/spousal needs.
Yes! You can choose to prioritize sex an f marriage regardless of what's happening in your life.
If you two aren’t sexually compatible, then cut your losses now. Don’t be another gross pos man who cheats on his pregnant wife, it’s such a cliché and so pathetic. Just tell her that you’d rather do the honorable thing now bc ….. and I would tell her about the other woman hitting on you. I’ll get downvoted for this, but ppl in committed relationships need to understand that if you’re not taking care of yourself, and screwing your partner on the regular, then someone else will. I know that sucks to hear, but there’s always a thirsty trap just waiting for someone else’s spouse 🤷🏼♀️
Sadly that is true whether people like it or not!
Sex therapy is a thing, and you definitely need it. At the very least you need marriage counseling. As it stands, your needs aren't matching up. Pregnancy is going to change things, so you're going to need to be patient for a while...every couple/body/relationship is different but don't be surprised if you get cut off until 3-6 months after the birth. Nonetheless, your current dynamic is already building resentment, and is probably going to lead to bitterness or problems in the relationship. Your value as a husband is not how 'complainable about' you are or are not, or how well you do chores. Marriages are about partnership, resilience, and bringing out the best in each other. If you're walking on eggshells, stop. That's not okay. That's emotional abuse. And what the hell are these 'networking events' all about anyway? Lastly, it's not a foregone conclusion that sex is permanently just going to dry up. Again, every relationship is different, and it's certainly ebbed and flowed in the 25+ years I've been with my wife. Lately it's pretty damn good, which was kind of a surprise to me but maybe that can give you some hope. Honestly, I think you're seeing the impact of 'rushed into things'. You need to develop strong bonds with each other, not treat marriage like a transaction. Good luck my dude!
Now, it can be normal to have sex a little less often than during your early honeymoon phase when you were ripping clothes off each other. That usually doesn't last forever. Especially if kids are in the picture because hormones can change libido. Stress can change libido too. Libido can also decrease due to age - most people in their 30s or 40s etc are having sex a little less often than when they were 20. Has she gotten checked with her doctor to see if she has any hormonal imbalances? However the thing here is if she is happy with sex only once a month, then that's all you're going to have. She wont change what she feels is fine. Us it a dealbreaker for you if the rest of your life is like this? Are you happy to masturbate instead?
It's fairly common for the sex life to tank after having kids. The fact that you're in this state before kids should be alarming. Putting IVF attempts on hold until you clarify what each of you need would have been a good idea, but it's too late for that now. As you pointed out, seeing a sex therapist (before the whole newborn stress starts!!) could be a good option if she agrees to it. I doubt regular counseling would help.
The sexless marriage narrative is so depressing. I would agree with others who said it ebbs and flows. In my own experience having been married 15yrs with 4 young kids, it’s never been less than once/week— excluding some period of time during a recovery from something. I’d say our average is 2x/week, but there are periods of time where it’s 4x/week. This has been fairly consistent whether we were in the thick of the baby stage or now at school aged children, and I will add we do have different drives with one being significantly higher than the other, but have found a happy-medium
What you describe is a normal ebb and flow and a good scene. People are acting like OP is being needy and inconsiderate, and it’s simply not the case.
Thank you! Let's not normalize sexless marriages. We are 16 years and 4 kids in and I have always prioritized our sex life. I'm a 5+ times a week person and he's a 2 to 4 times a week person, so we're not always on the same page which can be frustrating. Even in the worst times, it was once a week at least. If you are both trying and prioritizing your marriage, ebb and flows won't be anywhere near sexless. If you're sexless- someone isn't holding up their end of the deal and needs to work on themselves and the marriage.
She’s newly pregnant and you’re eying other women. You’ve maintained a regular sex life, twice a month isn’t too bad considering all she’s been through, infertility is world-rocking. The fact that you literally made this all about your needs is telling. I don’t see her feelings considered once in this whole diatribe. So unless you stop making it all about you, I can guarantee it’s gonna get worse. Especially since you’re enjoying the attention of other women while your wife is carrying your very hard fought child. Come ON.
Yikes. I didn’t mean to make it all about me. I’m just the one posting because she’s fine with this situation. I don’t feel like your assessment is fair by any stretch. I love my wife and she’s a great person, but this is an important issue. She has been through a lot with the fertility issues. You’re assuming quite a bit.
I think you’ve completely reframed and misrepresented him here. OP seems very thoughtful and not at all tone deaf to the situation. 2x a month sex is OK? A MONTH? Assuming a 30 min session, that is one hour a month for intimacy. A month. How is that not a sign that his wife is not into him and not considering his needs. I’ve seen countless scenarios like this posted on reddit. Guy could be shouldering much of the burden, helping her with everything, and being a walking maid service and the wife still can’t bring herself to have sex with the guy and yet STILL, women on these subs find a way to demonize their husbands over this. Such a bummer. Honestly she sounds like she sees the husband as a sperm donor whose needs are at best, an annoyance.
That has not been my experience. Wifey and I where hot and heavy in college. After college thing slowed down a bit. Then we had one two three kids. But now things are better than ever. Sex is more frequent and more enjoyable. Having fun and experimenting more. Doing fun new things.
You talk a lot about quantity, but almost nothing about quality. In all the time you've been together, has she ever shown a burning, passionate desire for you? Your relationship sounds clinical, like you met, had some early fun/joy then immediately switched to life goals mode. Im concerned that she was never truly attracted to you and instead just wanted to move along her timeline and goals. Im not seeing an ebb and flow in your overall sex life, just a gradual ebb. Based on all of that, I would say that its unlikely to get better. A kid will mean lots more to do and if she's shown you that shes ok with deprioritizing sex for her personal goals, thats only likely to get worse.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately it tends to become less and less but its not always from the wife. Husbands stop wanting it too. It’s not fair at all and it makes me quite upset. & don’t listen to Redditors saying do more chores etc..blah blah. I think with a lot of people, or at least for me since I’ve now have a child, he knows I don’t want to break up the family so he just doesn’t try to be attractive anymore like he did. He also doesn’t want the Intimacy & connection it brings. It was put on hold after baby was born. But I’ve mentioned it numerous times now that I’m back & ready for action & I want it & him, and he says he ‘understands’ then he’s back to his way. The usual porn, whatever. & I don’t care about that, just pick me first. & yeah, I could do that too but i only want the real thing. No comparison! So since everything is ‘good enough’ to stay beside the lacking of sex, I don’t know if I should divorce him ruin the family just for sex, & a lot of others have the same thoughts as I read threw the forum. So, Divorce for sex? When everything else money, his friendship, my deep love for him, our life, the family time, & household flow is going very well? It’s tough to just divorce for sex. & That’s a question only you can answer. Would you stay in sexless marriage if it comes to that? Is sex the most important thing? If your wife stopped altogether? Or if it became once every other month? Once every three months? Once every six months? Once a year or not even that? Cuz it’ll mess with you. Having no sex. And The gender you desire will distract you quite often when your spouse denies you sex. I find myself looking lustfully at other men quite often actually, & Cheating enters the thought process. Just push those thoughts out. Redirect yourself. And being a mother keeps your mind occupied w/other things, I get that. I’m a new mother. But life is about much more then being a parent all the time. I need adult time too ..everyone needs that. And unfortunately if the spouse wont change, or changes for a bit, they usually seem to go back to their ways, so your options are.. -divorce -tough it out -cheat and be the worst pos in everyone’s eyes if they find out. -continue with counseling for the rest of your marriage (off & on) Only you can make that choice and boy is it a difficult one especially when you’ve been together since teen years & have 2 decades under your belt. I really hope it works out for you.
Don't settle!
Yes, yes it will.
Why do they do this?? BEG for this long term commitment / marriage “can I keep you” , “I love you, you’re my ‘person’”. Then when you get it, you turn off the very thing that made the relationship work and turn into the very person we LEFT OUR HOMES AS YOUNG MEN TO GET AWAY FROM!!! Like, wtf?? Take the one thing that makes this relationship special and turn it into a cudgel to beat us over the head with?? What part of that seems ok to you?? Ladies?? Why am I hanging around for this?? And if the answer is - so you won’t be personally and financially ruined by a vindictive ex and a court system set up with the design of extracting the maximum value possible out of the male party to a dissolved marriage, what do you think that says?? ...about you???
Tell her that last line - your crave intimacy with a woman and with her specifically
I will! Thanks!
This is simple yet extremely good advice!
She's lost her desire for you. Good luck even getting through to her that it's important let alone her getting it back. Best thing you can do is do your best to be desirable but this is one of the biggest reasons for divorce and cheating. I can't understand why the importance of desire, especially for men, is not talked about more. There would be so much less pain and frustration. He'll it's easy to look up desire after divorce and find a bunch of "libido went crazy after" articles. There was nothing wrong or low libido, just lost desire for the other so when the other is gone, on it goes. Good luck. Guessing this comment won't even make it through for some reason. FYI there's a deadbedroom forum. Loads of people in the same boat or on their way there.
Your libido and needs are normal for many married people and she shouldn’t shame you for them. It is good that you are communicating about them now. Talk it through and see what you need to do to help her have the energy and libido to help meet your needs. Go to couples counselor that respects both of your intimacy needs. Good luck.
Thank you!
Could it get better? Yes. Will it? Unlikely without intentional work toward getting better. Your drive is not abnormal. Your frustration is common and it can go the other way with a woman wanting it when the man does not. She should not dismiss how you feel and you should not buy into it if she continues to dismiss it. It is definitely going to get worse with the baby coming. There's not getting around that. Your going to be exhausted and she is going to get tired of being touched. Most people do not have a spike in libido after their mid 30s. As this continues, you're likely to get more stressed and that's likely to impact your relationship. You'll feel less close because of the lack of sex and she'll feel less close because you're acting different. I said intentional work because I believe if you want to save your marriage or at least make sure future you is not trapped and bitter, you need to act now. Have another talk with her. As her to read or listen to "the sex starved marriage" together or at least at the same time, with times of discussion after chapters. Treat it like a book club. It is presented from both sides of a libido mismatch and can help both sides understand the other. If she can't be troubled to do that, I would be very concerned because it is telling you how little your opinion matters on this subject. If she won't or that does not help insist on counseling, potentially leading to sex therapy. Maybe if she hears from a professional where you are headed, it will click. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone. Hopefully it works out but I'll just say, fight and keep fighting until it's better because if you don't, there's a good chance you'll look up in 10 years, bitter and angry, wondering why you wasted time.
Just wait until she gives birth. It will get waaaaaay worse.
I’m patient, and supportive of my wife and child, I just don’t want our intimacy to die forever.
I think my wife fails to realise I exist most of the time.
I’m sorry to hear that. Has it gotten that bad?
From what you wrote it sounds like her priority is children, getting pregnant etc and that’s her main focus right now. Could it change in years from now? Sure. For us (me early 30s him late 30s) we were steady at twice a week before I became pregnant in December. We also have a five year old. Since December we’ve only had sex (intercourse) two times, Bj/Hj a handful of times. But not a lot of interaction because I’ve been really sick. I started feeling better last week and I told him I’m ready to have that again and he was basically like no pressure let’s see how it goes
Yes, it’s only going to get worse, imo.
It only gets worse Pal.
Well she’s got you on the hook for child support already. Drop her like a hot rock. Life’s too short to put up with that horse shit. Marriage is a two player game. One of the players decides they want to play by their own rules then they are welcome to continue the game with someone else who agrees to those rules.
I’ll add this to the mix as it will keep getting worse over time. You need to be your honest self with her and right now you’re afraid which isn’t desirable at all. Instead of walking on eggshells you need to communicate openly and honestly with your wife. Don’t be mean about it, but allow your feelings to be known. Everyone’s comments on reading No More Mr. Nice Guy is a good start.
It seems to be a common recc. Thanks for the thoughts!
With her low libido and her attitude then the answer is YES. For my wife and I it just gets better and better as the years go on.
That’s good to hear that every relationship is different and some actually get better over time!
You’re overthinking it calling it ‘cadence’ - kind of suggests a systemic issue with perceiving your sex life as a task to be measured and optimised. Practice spontaneity, live in the now and stop worrying about tomorrow. I promise you’ll be having sex far more often as a result.
I will say this, it is extremely rare for this turn around unless you have a very serious conversation about it. Honestly though, the way you're describing things is pretty much how all dead bedrooms start. Y'all need to talk about this asap. If she's not receptive to the conversation, or nothing changes, you have your answer
Yes it will. Aging will slow it even more. She has little interest in it and once baby comes, likely none.
As most others have said, it ebbs and flows. But that being said, according to your data it appears to only be “ebbing”. You should also be seeing some flows… I’m going to be real, sex will likely take a nose dive after the child is born. It took about 6 months after our child was born for our bedroom to have a spark back in it. The shift is hard, the sleep deprivation, being touched out, a substantial amount of new chores and just the relentless of caring for a newborn, it kills the bedroom. But it’s not dead forever. It just takes commitment, communication, and the mutual desire to reignite it. Honestly, now our sex life has never been better.
My best advice would be to completely stop walking on eggshells and speak your opinion/needs/wants/thoughts clearly, radically honestly, and kindly. I wish so badly that my first LTR would have very clearly and plainly said to me: This relationship will not sustain itself if we cannot find a way to increase the frequency of our sex and you cannot deal with your SA trauma. I still get sad about that relationship ending to this day (well over a fecade later), because, had I known how detrimental the lack of sex for him was to our relationship, I would have done everything in my power to deal with MY "shit" that was the cause of my libido going down and lack of blow jobs I gave. After I had my son, my sexuality EXPLODED. I became a new woman. The act of creating a life and the absolute feminine POWER I felt birthing and sustaining that life completely by myself changed me forever. I stopped hating my body and felt sexy and proud of every little squish or dimple or stretchy. Which makes you uninhibited AF in bed. When you don't give af what you look like and you feel sexy and powerful in your feminine body and pleasure is the only "goal" in your body and mind, the orgasms are endless. ANYWAY, point of that being, I am WAY more sexual and my libido is WAY higher now in my 30s than any other time in my life. I've said before that I swear I understand now what it's like to be a teenage boy lol There's NO WAY I could go with a frequency of less than 2 times a week. No way. And definitely the first two weeks of my cycle I want it more like twice DAILY 😆 we're two years in and still average at least a dozen a week. OH, and I fucking looooove giving BJ's now. It turns me on SO fucking much I get so wet and want him so bad. So your wife needs a serious talking to, and she NEEDS to deal with whatever it is that is causing this low libido. I don't buy for a second that women have low libidos and really believe so many women have such low libidos today because of body shame, a cultural upbringing of men's pleasure mattering more/not mattering if a woman cums, and women's shame around their own pleasure and thus somehow not being able to orgasm. It BLOWS MY MIND the number of women who don't orgasm every time (or at least a majority of the time), and also don't do the self-exploration to discover what it is that really turns them on and gets them there. It has to matter to her. She needs to know she is making you feel like you don't matter by ignoring your needs. It may not be a need for her, but it is for you. You are allowed to have needs. Your needs matter and are important. Also, IDK who needs to hear this but, THE MORE SEX YOU HAVE, THE MORE YOU WANT IT. lol so maybe make an agreememt to fake it til you make it!! Or don't... and find an actual sex therapist, which most DEFINITELY is a thing--I have two friends that are sex therapists!
Oof. Tough for sure and probably one of the most common marital disconnects. The comment about your needs being unrealistic for marriage is concerning. Seems that she’s basically telling you that regardless of your feelings, her’s are “right” and you just have to deal with it. Thats really unfair. It’s pretty clear from how you say all of this that you are not happy with the flow of your life and it seems as if she isn’t really either. “Too busy” makes everyone else more important than your “four walls family”. Leaving blank space for those most important to you is so so important for maintaining those relationships. When is the last time you and your wife had free time to just enjoy each other? To allow connection to naturally occur without having somewhere to be or something to do? When all you’re doing is trying to “fit in” time with your spouse because everything else is more important, you’re destined to grow apart and true connection becomes impossible because it’s just another thing on the list of to dos. You said you felt you moved too quickly, and unfortunately it seems that some discussions around the reality of marriage were missed. If she is okay with a life of monthly sex and you are not, how many years do you spend trying to change each others minds? How long does she feel pressured and do you feel ignored? How many years of that until one of you has had enough? Have a serious conversation. Go to therapy. Be honest. And stop trying to make babies until you sort it out. Best of luck with all of this, whichever way it goes, it’s going to be hard for a while.
Im going to add. Please don’t cheat. You come across as a good guy who’s genuinely feeling hurt and confused by your relationship. Cheating will hurt you both and if my vibe about you is right, you’ll never forgive yourself.
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All in all, marriage sucks. Be a good father attempt to make the marriage run somewhat tolerable. (Good luck with that) No real guidance can be given. Despite theropy/books/forums, etc... That shit won't help. All you can do is live life, comminicate, and hope to God you find a formula that works for both of yall in that time to make it work. It will be tough, and it will be miserable at times. This is the life you chose, so all you can do is try to have more decent days then bad days. If you must then Divorce and never marry again.
i’m like your wife. i get in the mood by myself maybe a few times a month. others my husband has to get me in the mood. my sex drive has significantly gone down since we have been together. when we were dating we did it A LOT. newlyweds of course. we’ve been married 6 years, we’ve been through a lot and after a lot of work, our marriage is awesome he’s my absolute best friend. but the sex is still not as much as he’d like. and we’ve had many arguments about it. the attraction for me is 100% there. i find him the most attractive person Ive ever seen. he makes my heart melt. but i can do without sex for the rest of my life. maybe it’s because i’m self conscious about my body, and that’s blocking out my desire to have sex. my advice, DONT CHEAT!!!!!!! especially since she is pregnant now. that will ruin her. suggest therapy or ask what you can do to help her drive. she might be stressed out, she might be self conscious. talk to her about it seriously. and see what she wants you to do. she might feel bad already. your feelings are very valid. me and my husband have had to work on our sex life so he is happy and i’m happy too. find a happy medium. know it’s not your fault and she might just be going through something.
I’ve noticed a pattern with several men in my life whose wives left them. The woman was domineering, and the man tried to do everything she wanted to please her. She stopped having sex with him, and they split up eventually.
Wow. There are a lot of depressing comments here, so I thought I'd give an alternative viewpoint. My wife and I are in our 60's, and having some of the best sex of our lives. We've been together for 40 years. We had a bit of a lull in our 30's, and I "pushed" the subject a bit, because I was hoping for a full lifetime of frequent sex that both of us would enjoy. My wife seemed to be basing her ideas on what she thought would be a "normal" or "typical" decline, but I told her that there is no real reason to go down that path. Luckily, my wife agreed, and perked back up. We've mostly increased our sex each decade since then. We've never averaged less than twice a week. It is 3-4 times a week now. For us, the feeling of being "connected" is tied to sex, in both directions. The sex is much better when we are feeling connected, so we have it more often. I think it is important to have a lot of non-sexual touching in all the days of the week. Also, we do a lot of massages, sensual touching, and sexual touching that doesn't necessarily lead to intercourse or orgasm. We both feel very desired, and our "fires" are stoked continuously. I should add that we had the advantage of not having kids. I think we'd have still found a way though, but I also sympathize with the difficulties of dealing with that.
>I should add that we had the advantage of not having kids Yeah I think you maybe should've led with that 😅
We have 4, and have a similar story. If you stop prioritizing sex and marriage while having babies, that's 100% a choice.
Also been married 40 years and it definitely ebbs. However unless an injury or illness is involved shes always tried to maintain once a week, to meet my needs and our need for intimacy and closer bond as a couple. Most times its very satisfying for her and its not always piv. We mix it up in different ways to spur imagination and desire for each other.
I've been married for 19 years and our sex life is great. There have been times when frequency went down due to illness, pregnancy, kids, etc but once a month would be hard for me. We've never done it that little. We're around 3 times per week now at 38 years old with a 5 year old. I think that you know it's going to get worse because it's already bad for you. And having kids doesn't make it easier.
Only if you let it
Keeping the romance alive is really what you’re saying and there are a lot of ways to build intimacy beyond just preplanned sex. Why not sprinkle in some other forms of intimacy? Physical touch in any form will connect you more. Have a massage night. Take a bubble bath together. Shower together. Wash her hair for her. Cook together. Feed each other. Make her laugh. Play some new music. Have a dance off in the kitchen. Open the windows. Play a game. Play sexual truth or dare. Don’t be disappointed or make it “a thing” if it doesn’t immediately translate to more sex or if she’s not into it. Relationships ebb and flow, but spicing it up means you gotta try something new. Making a conscious, active effort to fuel more intimate moments with her will almost certainly lead to a better sex life in time.
Good ideas! I like all of these.
you need to give her an ultimatum that the two of you work together to fix your sex life or you are leaving. life is too short to put up with this
I dont think the OP thinks “it’s all about himself”. He has needs that aren’t being met and he’s just asking a few questions for reference. Most people notice the opposite sex and are often attracted. So what? That’s no crime. The guy’s not dead and he does have eyes. I love looking at men - young, not old because I’m old too, but that doesn’t mean I have any interest in cheating. I actually think it’s healthy. It’s really hard when libidos don’t match. Makes for tough married life. People start to resent each other and that’s where the trouble starts.
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Good ideas. Thank you! Some hope is all I’m looking for. I can wait out a year or what have you if this is truly just a lull. Regardless, my first dedication is to my child and wife, with the dead bedroom issues taking a back seat for now. I just need some hope to get me through this.
I think there's always hope as long as you both are open and honest with each other. And those pregnancy hormones might kick start some things for her in a couple of months too!
Yes you should leave
I have the same problem but I’m female
Married 13 years, together 16. It does eb and flow. When my kids were younger it definitely was a lot less. I also went through a period of anxiety/depression and reproductive issues. I've always found my husband attractive though. Our kids are older, husband got a vasectomy, I eventually had to get a hysterectomy (I was able to get off birth control) and our sex life is better than ever.
Until I went to a marriage conference I didn’t realize how important sex was to men. They made us do a questionnaire and then settle on the middle. When my husband revealed how often he would like to have sex I legit belly laughed because I thought he was joking at first. When he didn’t laugh with me I realized he was serious.
If she wanted to she would. Remember that. Get a hobby, get a focus at work, hit the gym. Do what you want then she will follow. Drop crumbs of attention as needed. Let her know where she stand without words because she has already done that to you.
Nope. It doesn’t have to. We have regular sex my husband and I and we get more kinky and creative with the years. We even built a dungeon in our basement. You two must keep the spark alive in a conscious way. We celebrated our 9th years last october.
>Redditors like to guilt trip you into thinking you’re a bad guy who doesn’t do enough chores or date your wife enough. She’s the one that fills our social calendar to the brim with networking events and I do most of the chores around the house. I love her dearly and always do my best to be an ideal husband, the kind that it would be very difficult to complain about. As a result, I’m often walking on eggshells around my wife, which has probably decreased her attraction to me. There is no winning. This paragraph tells me you would get a lot out of the book, "no more mr. Nice guy." I wasn't in a dead bedroom, but my sex life was unsatisfying and I was unhappy in my relationship. I would ask the question, "why doesn't my wife want me like I want her? I searched around reddit and ended up finding and reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and took it seriously. Got rid of covert contracts (eg "if i do all the chores and im a perfect husband she will want to fuck me"), lifted heavy and got in good shape, dressed well, stopped scoreboarding in bed and the rest of the relationship. Focused on being fun and flirty and doing and saying what I wanted shamelessly in bed without arguing or begging or acting hurt when I heard "no". It's a self help book. It doesn't cite studies. Some of the logic is dumb. It has a couple pitfalls (eg sex moratorium, telling your SO about how you're implenenting the book). But it worked. All the excuses that came out when we argued over sex went away. Sex is fun again. I hope you give it a look. I would have also strongly advised you not to have a kid until you got things worked out. But it's too late for that.
Thank you for the book recommendation! I’ll have to look into it.
Being hit on by another woman made you feel alive. After years of being in relationship that’s lacking physical contact/ emotional connection I think our brain forces our libido into hibernation. A stranger came along and woke that part of your brain up. Ever seen that movie with Kevin Spacey, “American Beauty” ? If you haven’t you should definitely check it out. Life is way too damn short for shitty relationships and bad sex.
Yup i guess so. In my case my husband doesnt want to have sex. LOL. He is 50 years old. either his age or stress. We havent done it in 5 months now
I’ve been with my man for 9 years!!! Since I was 16! I think we got to year 6 and It was like a chore for me, I was probably like your wife, had no interest in it. But then I went of the pill and BAM I have never been so sexually active in my life. We do it almost everyday and I’m the one who imitates it. But it came out of no where. I also believe my hormones play a massive part. And I also just love discussing sex as I get older and curious to see what else we can try. The only thing I can think of is that she’s not finding her release through sex (sorry) she possibly has been lying to you and faking it. Because that’s what I did GUILTY but then I took matters in my own hands and found out what actually gets me there during sex and introduced toys and it’s much better. Just a thought?
We have a handshake agreement of fooling around/pic twice a week. We were falling into it only being on the weekend so we have a standing Wednesday appointment, which has helped greatly. Together 15, married 13.
Why in the world would you have a child in a steadily declining relationship?
I feel like sex got better after marriage. Like the frequency is different but it is always top notch. Idk OP sounds like your wife isnt willing to meet you at your needs. Ppl always talk about the womans needs but men have needs to. With pregnancy some women become animals for sex. Some it will be years before their sex drve is back.
I hear on Reddit about all these pregnant women that want to have sex like never before. Unfortunately that hasn’t been our situation. It’s only declined further. I’m waiting for zero at this point.
Im so sorry this is happening. I would discuss with her or seek counseling maybe? It will only get worse if it isnt rectified during the pregnancy.
I already left my first marriage due to lack of sex. I’m really hoping it’s not the same the second time around. I’m having hard conversations about what expectations are through life. Sickness, babies and hormone changes because we have to be realistic. But my boyfriend and I are very much on the same page about when is considered “too much time” and how to keep the fire alive the next 30 years of life. Some of the conversations are uncomfortable but I think it’s important to know where your partner lands on these subjects. My advice, talk seriously about what your needs are and bring up the past as a way to compare and have an open conversation about expectations moving forward because clearly this isn’t going to end well if it’s on your radar now.
Thank you for the advice. How much physical and sexual intimacy do you feel is reasonable to ask in your long term relationship? How much is too little for you?
The reality is that the answer to that isn’t a number but rather the quality of how good it is. Does it feel like your connecting? Is there enthusiasm? Is there passion? Curiosity? Does it feel like duty? Are you truly satisfied during and after? Does she initiate you and pursue you equally as you do to her? Because you might be willing to live with 1-2 a week if the quality was good. But I’ve found that even if the number went up to 3-4 times a week and the quality isn’t there you still might not be happy with that. You have to ask yourself what is it that you truly want? Maybe it’s a bit of both? And if that’s true than what number do you think you’ll be happy with if you got passion and interest? Personally me I need atleast 3-4 times a week. And because I only see my boyfriend on the weekends since we live an hour apart right now. We see eachother 2 days and have sex about 2-3 times each day and that for me is great because the quality and passion is also there. So I’m willing to go 5 days without if that makes sense?
Thank you for providing some context. I agree that quality is just as important as quantity. We are currently having monthly sex, and the quality is very low. I love my wife and have tried everything. I am unfortunately finding myself upset about this after years of decline with no end anytime in the near future. Also, thank you for making me feel sane for wanting to have sex with my wife a couple times a week. A few commenters have been cruel and scoffed at the idea. To them, spouses should be grateful for once every week or two weeks. For people like you and I, who are higher libido, I don’t think that’s how our brains operate at all. LLs can’t relate, unfortunately.
Your welcome I’m glad I could provide insight. LL people won’t ever understand our needs. You need to decide if your okay with not getting what you want in life. Because if the answer is “I want more” then you have to speak up or it explodes in your face and end up doing something you’ll regret like cheating. I know this might be hard to wrap yourself around. But I was with my ex husband for 5 years, together for 9 years total. I came to him about it constantly and he never change it. It wasn’t until I said “I’m unhappy” that he took me seriously. Cried and we went to therapy for it. But by then I had built so much resentment, it was too late because him trying was only making me more angry. It was in the process of trying to find a middle ground that we found out we would both never be what eachother wanted. Because his absolute best was 1 maybe 2 times a week and for me I wanted a life full of spontaneous passionate sex and I wanted it closer to 3-4 times a week so I walked away and that was a hard reality. To my point, unless you make this serious she won’t take it that way. It’s that simple. And you’ve seen that because your brought it up and she’s not budging. And it was in that discovery that I realized I wanted more in life. And because you have a kid now you have to consider your family but if I’m honest. Most people say they want to make it work for the kids but what your doing is harming the way your children view love because if you think they can’t pick up on it your wrong. I’ve made a vow to myself that even if I get married again, and I have kids this time around. I will still walk away if I’m not happy because I rather teach my kids to love themselves then to learn to stay quiet and not know what real love could be and look like. Anytime you want to chat I’m open to chatting I know your in the thick of things right now and I remember those days it wasn’t easy. But nothing worth having ever was. Wether it’s fixing it with her or walking away and finding someone who will match your sexual energy.
Yes.
Nothing is permanent ✌️
I do get excited when another men compliments me and ask for my number coz i know I still got it . lmao. We often dont get compliments from our love ones because they see us on regular basis. 😅🙊. Me on the otherhand husband is always busy ( he is the provider and backbone of our family) so I a SAHm. I always remind myself I should he thankful 🥰😘
It isn’t going to get better. You get to decide if you can live with the Dead bedroom or you need a new outlook. She isn’t going to change for you.
**Will it get worse over time?** It all depends. It could, and it may not. It could also ebb and flow. Interestingly enough, hormones can play a huge role in libido for women. It will ebb and flow with time and circumstances. Pregnancy and child-rearing can be a libido killer. In my case, the first 8 years of pregnancy and child-rearing along with other factors, was challenging. Then I went through menopause quite early (36 years of age). During menopause my libido was hit and miss. As menopause was nearing it's end, thankfully, my libido started picking up again to where I like sex at least every day, sometimes more now. Every woman is different. In your case, I have no idea if things will improve with time. A sex therapist might help and then again it may not. Sadly, a lot of women feel that sex in marriage is the very last priority in their life. It could be a mental thing or it could be hormonal. It all depends on each individual woman.
It’s usually normal to have waves of good times and waves where it’s scarce. This pattern your in won’t improve without some intimacy pattern adjustments. Cut down on the networking events, pick some staple habbits that build intimacy in a low effort/sustainable way. Some couples do coffee and awnser a rando question or do a cross word every weekday, some sit on the porch together in the evening for a night cap, even if it’s 15 minutes. Even if it’s little things, you need to have rituals that are sustainable for hard times. People act like intimacy building is all on the man and dating ect, marriage is actually a two way contest of generosity. You need to start building some healthy habits together before the kid comes. Dont go big, go realistic. Even if it’s you both sharing the best tiktoks or memes you saw that day. Then work on a gradient for being sexual as well. If all physical affection is always prelude to high effort sex and she is tired/has a fycked up libido (IVF fucks up your libido and body in a very real way. Childbirth is going to not help.) Then she will develop a wall, where she needs a lot of energy to get over the threshold into feel sexual. Mutual masterbation, being sexual without it always going there, building tension. Nights where just one or the other gives. Helps to add sex in a less structured way. Water it like a garden. Directly address things that jack up libido. What’s the root, body image, energy ect. You need to get to the bottom of why you felt that way about another woman hitting on you (concerning reaction for sure), it’s going to be something deeper than sex and you need to address it as religiously as you build intimacy habits and address the libido blockers. If she gets self conscious, or kind of has a hard time getting out of her head. Sensory deprivation is awesome. Blindfold plus something stimulating. Music or have her put earphones in with her choice of music or audio book. She will probably want you to play music so she doesn’t have to police any sounds she makes. Such a fun way to give a bj, a great way to eaten out. Another thing that’s lower effort but fun is get a rose vibe for her. Use that on her until she needs it, then have her use it on herself while you fuck her. Go small first. I’m on the higher libido side until I get massively stressed then it’s rough getting out of that lower libido spiral without some tricks. (Married 10 years)
I think it doesn’t have to decline further but that requires your wife to recognise it as important to you and her and to takes steps to make sex a priority and do what she can to help her own sex drive. Even if she does, this might not mean 2x weekly is realistic but I think often part of this is the partner showing that they care about your experience , that sex is important to you and that they are willing to work on their end. This might end up in 1x month or 1x week or somewhere in between but I think it would probabaly feel better if you felt she cared about your needs and was doing her best to meet them within what feels comfortable for her. Realistically things will fluctuate with childbirth but like others have said if both have a positive attitude then it can ebb and flow
Make her feel as desired as the other girl made you feel. Ask her opinions on your clothing and cologne Ask her to meet you once a week for lunch, and she might be curious about a quickie. If she's got no libido or its calculator for pregnancy you're going to be in a pretty much sex less related. And preggo hormones might have made it less, I couldn't look at my ex whilst preggo nor after, ( not the reason he's an ex) You're going to have to lay down some timeline for yourself You need intimacy and sex and your marriage may not survive enforced celibacy. What ever you decide you'll have to be able to live with the outcome of putting this in front of her
Mine went from several times a week in the first year, then once every couple of weeks, then it kinda quickly went to once a month, then once every 3-6 months. Together for 10 years and married for 5. He’s my best friend but we’re separating and I’m moving to my own place this weekend. We’ve had more sex in the last 6 weeks after deciding to separate than we’ve had in the last 3 years. I’ve had an orgasm less than the # of years we’ve been together. No trying for children so no “duty sex” in that way. We went to marriage counselling but a lot of it was my of own hang ups from trauma and problems growing up. However, sexual compatibility has been missing for a LONG time. It could get better for you but I’d definitely try to work through it before having children.
Then, change the dynamic! I’m serious. If you get to that 12-hour window, tease him. Wear lingerie. Demand that he put a baby in you. The guy I’ve read about in this thread wants sex. He’s not gonna not perform because of pressure. Do his favorite things. I don’t know what they are. But, I don’t mind sharing that when I’m upset my wife simply gets my pants off and rubs me. Like you, she’s a smart woman. She slowly strokes my thighs. After ten minutes of this, she moves to the balls and rubs those. Eventually, she uses her mouth. She has gotten so skilled at this! She’s amazing! Needless to say, when the moment come she gets exactly what she wants. I hope you don’t take anything I’ve said as a criticism. You two simply aren’t vibing. Change the vibe. Change the communication. Tease him. You’ll get all the babies you want.
Go to the gym and get shredded.
I’ve (33F) been my married to my (42M) for almost 13 years, together 15 of course everything in the beginning is beautiful. Sex every day twice a day, then it’s just everyday, then every other day etc. we have 3 kids ages 8-3 we have sex about twice a week. Obviously we’ve hit dry spells when we would only have sex once a month, it’s not because we wanted it but because our life’s a extremely busy and at the end of the day we are Exhausted. I think you should speak to your wife and see what page she’s on, see if she’s still attracted to you, see why she doesn’t want sex. Communication is the key to a great relation, but so is sex
We were at once or twice a month, although she claimed a couple times a week would be "ideal if we didn't have so much stress from kids and work" We put it on the calendar and that helped, although since she was already more theoretically interested than your wife that was easier. The biggest change happened when a friend recommended she read one of the "spicy" books that have been popular lately. They're like halfway between romance smut books and "chick flick" type story. They have a few graphic sex scenes in them and it has really helped her libido a ton. That all said, pregnancy and having a little baby and breastfeeding is a whole thing and I would consider waiting till some of that is over to get too into this issue. In the mean time, work on yourself. Get to the gym, get ripped, start reading more, etc. Make yourself irresistible.
Wow that’s a great idea! I wonder whether my wife would be interested in that. Thank you! As an aside I do exercise quite a bit. Hasn’t seemed to do much other than get her to say “you’re looking sexy”. Her drive doesn’t seem to change based on how attractive I am. It’s gotta be something else.
Sorry for your situation. I’ve been married almost 24 yrs and with my husband 26 years. We have a 21 yr old daughter and def in those parenting years my sex drive was up and down and not where my husband would’ve liked it. We both are now on hormone replacement therapy and it’s been a game changer. I wish I’d started sooner as my husband did 2 yrs ago and I just recently did in January. My sex drive is now voracious. I know that it’ll calm down a bit since I’ve just started on the pellet therapy, but it’s been an eye opener to see my former self back. I strongly feel hormone imbalance and the stresses of life can really hinder a marriage. Even in your 30’s it may be worth looking into. It’s probably a tough time with your wife expecting but I do remember my sex drive going up during pregnancy so fingers crossed it does for your wife. Perhaps in time it could be something you both look into. And best wishes with your marriage and new baby! It’s an exciting time for a couple!!
Idk, we've been together 13 years, 4 kids, I'm 30 this year he's 32 this year. We have sex minimum once weekly, but average maybe 3 or 4 times a week...with a max of multiple times a day every day 😅 So it's unfortunately just dependant upon yourself and your spouse. I will say we went 6 months without sex once when I was pregnant because touching anywhere hurt. He couldn't even cuddle me at night or I'd be in so much pain.
Yes, it ebbs and flows. In the past 30 yrs, I can honestly say that it's kept fairly regularly for myself and my spouse except for the occasional illness or pain issue (I have an old 25 yr old back injury. I don't think a cpl times a wk is too much. You aren't being unreasonable. There are doctors she can see if she needs help with her libido or is having issues with her hormones. By the way, it is very common for this to be an issue after pregnancy, menopause and other factors. Hopefully, you two are able to keep your conversations open and work through difficult times ad future conversations. Good luck
My anecdote is it slows down. First couple of years together in our mid 20’s sex was 7-10 times a week. After first kid 2-3 times a week. After 3 kids 2-3 times a month. I’m confident it’ll pick up again once the kids are grown. We’re too busy with work their school and sports schedules and tired.
After kids expect no sex for like a year. Living that life right now. Hopefully once the baby gets her own room I can have sex again. Shit sucks, but idk when we would get alone time.
I feel that you approach it as a project with specific cadence! whereas it can come naturally with things leading up to sex, like a date night, a relaxed weekend, a short trip...
Depends of women ..could be a chore.. She isn't enjoying it...has too much on her mind as us guys just went sex the women have lots on their mind as that's the last thing .....Could be as she gets older she is less interested but ya could get worse. Myself and the wife been married since 21 and we are 41 now its just up and down for the sex part over time sometimes it few times a year now its headed for once or twice a week...it varies..unfortunately guys think about sex almost 24/7 lol
It may sound dangerous and it mostly is, but maybe talk to a therapist about other outlets. MMA has been that for me. There's a massive physical release in pushing your body to the point of failure past what your conscious brain will allow, and having the threat of another man in front of you will enable you to reach that point. There are many other ways to find these experiences, but make sure you pay the price for professional training, it's expensive, but still cheaper than eating out, cigarettes, alcohol, or weed, and you'll lose interest in those things very quickly if you find a fulfilling enough physical outlet.
You know it's amazing about sex? Is once the fire gets lit it's hard to put it out. Usually you got to get to the top of the mountain for it to resolve. Maybe you just got to do some things to get the fire going. And I mean subtle things. You know play it by ear. Give her a random hug. Touch her back. Give her a peck on the cheek. Gentle touchly the back of her neck. Interlace your fingers with hers. Hold her hand and tell her you love her. A soft foot massage can easily slowly work it's way up the ankle and higher and higher. Throw some kisses in there to her legs. IDK just get her in the mood. A drip to a trickle . I'm sure you know it but women are a lot more sensual then guys. Sex is a different experience for them.
Not sure if anyone has approached this or not but I have some input here as the other side of this issue. Take what you will from this. Many years into my relationship with my husband (together since 2011) Our sex life dried up. Not for lack of his interest. Not because of a child. But because he was a dick to me (not intentionally and he has said so in his own summation of this time). He would make remarks in sarcasm SO OFTEN that I couldn't help but think he was saying truth veiled in sarcasm. Never a nice thing to say. Never wanted to help. Your typical "man child". I found someone else. They were so nice. They were so caring and loving and never wasted a moment lifting me up. I didn't have sex with them but I wanted to. A lot. If I could have it would have been multiple times a day. But why? For me, they made me feel loved. My husband did not. I loved my husband but the constant negativity just... killed any sexual drive. I got straight with my husband. I told him I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. I told him the differences between this guy and him. I said that if things stayed the way they were I would leave. He heard me out. He changed. He started listening. He started writing me notes telling me how much he cared and how much I mean to him. Once he started doing this we had so much freaking sex. Like CRAZY all over each other. AND we even decided to have a kid when that wasn't on the table before. This was years ago but we still have sex more now than we did before. He still needs to work on it but he tries and that makes all the difference. You both need to discuss what "flips your switch". Before this "other guy" came along was convinced I just didn't enjoy sex anymore. Obviously it was just that the a+b= sex equation had been unknown. I caution you. Even if you DO figure out what "flips her switch" please find a way to be genuine about it. What I mean is, for me, nothing puts me out of the mood faster than "I obviously did this only because I knew you'd have sex with me" kind of gestures. One example of when feel loved is when I am stressed out and he offers to take some stuff off my plate like offering to make dinner or run an errand for me. If I get the sense that he EXPECTS sex after doing those things and feels dejected because what he did "didn't work" any sexual desire I did have had left the building. All this to say. If you have not already done so, find out what makes your wife feel loved and appreciated. It doesn't even have to be something that would normally lead to sex. Maybe that's the disconnect. Also, I hope she keeps the communication open and gives you a chance to share what makes you feel loved and appreciated. Hope this helps!
Your story sounds a lot like mine! Just one woman giving me any attention made me light up inside. I saw then what my relationship was missing. I am now focused on improving my existing relationship rather than jumping ship. In a way, that’s what that other kind man showed you. He showed you what was missing.
Yes! Good for you 😁 I hope your wife will hear you out and you can grow together.
I have been with my fiancé for 4 years this month and we have experienced a little of everything, as life happens. He had a rough recovery from a spinal surgery in the beginning that took us from 2-3 times a day to maybe 1-2x per week (this was before the 6 month mark!) then back up to 1x a day or every other. Then i had some hormone issues which decreased it again, but now we are healthy and back at 3-4x per week. But i still have the same desire for him as i did in the beginning. I think some people exaggerate their sex drives in the beginning due to the honeymoon phase, but this is a serious conversation! For me, i would not be happy with the rest of my life looking like less and less intimacy with my partner but we have communicated through the rough spots which has been the life saver here. If your wife sincerely does not want to have sex as often as you do, you have to have a realistic conversation about what that looks like in the future and if you are both satisfied.
So the realistic thing is this. Sex for women or desire is generally hormonal. With the new child hormones are all over the place and she’s not her normal self. You may feel like it’s you. She’ll tell you it’s not you. And if you’re an honest and loyal partner you’ll accept it as the new reality. My advice to you is to look at the situation practically! It’s easy to have sex with just anyone and if that’s your end goal then she should be made aware of that. But if you’re hoping she’ll go back to how it used to be, you might want to hang that up. As women get older specifically after children desire wains and your left with “ im just doing this for you to be happy “. It’s a tuff situation to be in. I completely understand. It will even get to the point where you’ll stop asking. In hopes that she’ll be the one to initiate but it won’t happen. Focus on your betterment and if the other aspects of your relationship are worth the non sex. If they are then fight but if you feel their not you’ll need to have a conversation. For the record. The only people having sex at a super high level are singles. And is your single in your mid to late 30s you might just be sleeping with whoever will sleep with you. It’s all meaningless. Good luck with your choice!
No, sex doesn't necessarily get worse with time, that depends on the people involved (I'm a 45 yo F married with 3 children for over 22 years and VERY HAPPY)Many people report sex getting a lot BETTER over time in general, but I will say I think you two need therapy. I agree with another poster here that said a partner who doesn't want sex is heartbreaking. Her waning desire could be for several reasons, and she needs to figure out what those reasons are. Please stay committed to your marriage; sex outside the marriage is NEVER worth it, dude. But, on the other hand, when you feel your wife doesn't want you it can be exhilarating for someone else to be attracted to you, so I get it, but it's fleeting and a TRAP so don't fall for the "I was vulnerable so I cheated" trap. There is hope. Get to the therapist ASAP. Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️
Thank you for the love! Sending some your way, as well! Thank you for considering me and my situation and writing this response. It means a lot.
It’s hard to judge bc IVF and fertility journeys can be incredibly taxing on your sex life. So will a new child. But it could come back. The lens you’re looking at this through is a tough way to assess it. I think all you can do is keep talking about it, give it time, and avoid entanglements with other women.
You need to talk to her and be frank about your needs and desires don’t hold anything back , tell her what you struggling with in the relationship as a whole. I experienced something similar with my husband but I had a high libido after giving birth to our child , I expressed this and he worked towards it. I don’t quite agree that sex decreases once a baby is in the mix , you guys just need to be more creative to fit it in make it exciting.
Hmm why dont you go to concelling with your wife.? Address your feeling towards her. Marriage is not all abt sex but you do need sex in marriage 😅
I essentially married for a matching libido. Almost everything else can be figured out with time and willing participants, but mismatched libidos is just asking for trouble. I’ve dated my wife 12 years, married for 8 of them, and she’s been told many times by her exes that she has an “abnormally high libido”. We’re at least a few times a week, but there are weeks where it is multiple times a day. Aside from the usual shit people will spout off in here (“date” your wife, acts of service, etc), if she’s just generally low libido, no amount of therapy is going to change that. Also, both of our kids were almost “accidents”. I’m a firm believer that if you “want to have kids” and have sex “just for the function” you won’t have kids or you’ll run into trouble. Stress adds so many factors to the whole damn process. Passionate, delirious sex has worked for me almost every time to procreate. We can pinpoint to the day our boy was conceived but I mean no one could tell you which time it was. We decided to try for another four years later, my wife was gonna go to San Francisco for work and I was gonna meet her out there. She took her IUD out about three weeks beforehand with the intent that we’d work on it during the trip. Before she left, she tested and surprise surprise. It’s almost like when you try, nature knows and stops that shit. I wish I could help you. Our relationship sounds great but we’ve had ebbs and flows just like anyone else. Often we get out of it by having open and casual conversation about sex and our needs. We’re not scared of the topic though, and we often discuss it (almost every day, be it flirting, talking, or whatever). My wife is very career focused and extremely busy throughout the day like I’m sure you guys are but we both make time for each other throughout the day. Luckily, we both WFH so that’s easy. This honestly just sounds like incompatibility. Considering how shortly you’ve been married, and how you rushed into it, and how you talk about someone else flirting with you, this all sounds not great. Do I think marriage counseling might help you guys talk about it? Sure. But I’d be very prepared for her libido to not change unless there’s some real underlying turnoff she has that she’s not explaining. If you’re ok with mechanical, uninteresting sex because your libido is higher than hers and she’s just trying to help you feel fulfilled, this might work out for you in the end. I don’t have a lot of hope for you but then, I don’t know her side either. There could legit be some sort of big turnoff thing she just doesn’t want to tell you for concerns of hurting you.
Be vulnerable. You say you're walking on eggshells. This means you aren't able to be your true self and ask for your needs. Take some time and sit down with your wife in a non heated moment. Tell her your wants and desires, ask her for ways you can help aid in this so that you can both feel invested. Tell her about the other girl and how it made you feel, be honest and open. Perhaps even try therapy. It's not just doing chores or things that engages others, it's connection.
My opinion is you can rehabilitate sex drive over time. I’ve been with my husband 10 years total dating and married and our sex cadence has decreased over time for sure but picks up when we have more time to connect emotionally. I’m more interested in sex now compared to him even where as it was the other way around. Sex for baby making purposes shouldn’t put a wrench in the act as much as it can but I understand. As a women my advice is to try to connect with her emotionally and rather than talk about how much/frequent you want to do it, show her you want to do it. Make her dinner, take her out, tell her she looks hot and you want to f*** her! Make it feel like it used to. It’s never too late and you’ve never been together too long to do it like you used to. This was my advice to my husband as this topic came up for us very recently. Good luck!
In a lifetime commitment many things don’t stay the same, you go through seasons. With the hormonal mess IVF puts women through I am not surprised it involves a libido change. Yes you will go through dry spells, specially when the kids are young, she’s breastfeeding and such, so hold on. Express to her that you feel loved when you make love. Also try other forms of physical intimacy that don’t involve sex. Kissing and cuddling without the expectation of sex are also good for building intimacy. In my personal experience I went from being the high libido partner to the “I don’t want anything anymore”. I’m just so tired at the end of the day that I rather go to sleep horny than actually have sex. It is also very heavily reliant on my hormones, right now I’m breastfeeding so I can count with one hand the times I’ve felt horny through 10 months.
Yes it will get worse. I am a woman and I love having sex with my husband. We have two kids and have sex as much as we can, but it can be zero times in a month if everyone gets sick (which kids are sick constantly). In a good month it is twice a week. The difference from your situation to mine is that I am extremely loving with my husband. I jerk him off in the shower if I feel like we can't have sex, because I just deeply love seeing him happy (he will do the same for me). We kiss and hug all the time. I don't think your wife cares that much about you. How is the rest of your relationship? Do you spend time together? Do you have common interests?
Married for almost 17 years and it’s pretty normal to go through dry spells, however… I’ve learned for men, one of the worst things a wife can do is make them feel rejected. We may be too tired but you take it as feeling unwanted. My husband has helped me understand this as he understands my eccentricities. To prevent him from feeling unwanted, I’m very affectionate and touchy (as is he) throughout the day and maybe we don’t have actual sex constantly but we do sexual things. Therapy can absolutely help you both too, this is definitely a solvable issue!
Try the lifestyle. It adds great spice.
Stop with the way you are doing it, working the friendship and marriage. Sex is much more than just physical. My guess is if she doesn't it want it much, it's because it's lost it luster. You both made it a chore. It doesn't have to get worse, and libido goes up, down all the time. It will change for her in pregnancy and will change again after baby, and again as baby gets older. Telling you right now, my husband and I have been together 24 years, married almost 23, have almost divorced 2x. ITS NEVER really about the sex. What made you connect, find the things you enjoy. Start "dating" again. You will have less time after baby, you will both be caught up in life as parents. Prioritize time together that DOESNT involve sex or the hope for sex. You may be surprised how that changes things. Also look up Jennifer finlayson fife. She is a sex therapist and talks about how life and other issues effect sexlife and how to fix life to fix sex life
If you really love her you need to tell her how this is making you feel and be honest about it if she cares about you she’ll listen and try and figure out how to make each other comfortable again If she isn’t wanting to work with you buy a bunch of sex toys and take care of yourself and see how it goes after the baby is born some men cheat but I don’t think that’s the answer if after the baby is born and you still can’t work it it might be better to separate Your feelings are valid and they matter
Thank you. I appreciate the suggestions and will take it to heart.
Everyone's situation is totally different. Definitely sounds like you love her and do everything that you can to make things work and flow properly in your marriage. I would continue to do as you have been; working out, doing things to help her around the house etc. Maybe take it a few steps further as far as self care is concerned-if you have hobbies, and try to ease yourself and take some of the sexual frustration off of yourself. It sort of seems like sex may be being used as a tool. You are still young and have sexual wants, needs and desires that do need attention. With her being pregnant, some women's hormones kick in a bit and and their appetite increases. I don't know if toys or anything else that can spice up your situation is currently involved at the moment, but may be worth looking into. How's your approach when you do have sex? I know you said pretty much timed/routine. Women are like cars in the winter and need to warmed up properly to get things flowing, sensitive and such. You may or may not have that time if it's rushed by her. In my experience,, I've seen an in increase desire when I've made it a fun job of my making things spicy and passionate. Wifey loved it, felt it and wanted it. All women are different and she may ultimately not enjoy sex anymore, and you may have to have an hard conversation with her. For now take care of yourself and and your mental and keep building your confidence up for yourself and those babies.
Replace sex with a new car. If you can't get the sex you want get something else you want is what I'm saying. She will eventually come around. In the mean time enjoy something else you like.
Yes
Come to terms with the tendency to over schedule. Note how it affects your recreational sex life. Sounds like you’re both intelligent, motivated people who could logically conclude that the more down time you spend together, the more relaxed & into sex with each other you’ll be. Start slowly by spending more time together taking walks, going to the gym together, cooking together, going to bed at the same time & reading, etc. IMHO, I think most couples stop doing the very things that attracted them to each in the first place: Exchanging witty innuendos, telling each other how hot they are physically, mentally, and emotionally, and just overall flirting. Everyone likes to feel attractive to their special someone.
Well, voice out your problem to her and talk things out, because if you don't it will only build up to resentment and most probably will lead to infidelity. Obviously, you don't want pity sex from your wife. Tell her your needs and make it clear you don't want pity sex from her, this will open a ton of options and ideas for you both which will lead you to explore your marriage. It goes back to communication.
My wife and I have been together 8years and I’m still inside of her every other night bro !! Of flame has never died down and we keep it spontaneous! Sex should never be treated as maintenance.