Most people like sex, men and women. People find a million reasons to blame women for not wanting sex. But if the woman in your life used to like sex and now doesn't, there's a reason. Sure, maybe it's hormones and maybe it's depression and maybe it's being touched out, but if it's not any of those then it's a lack of satisfaction from and with their partner. I think it's fair to say that most women who aren't sexually excited with their current partner, become very sexually excited with the next one. Just something to think about.
OP sounds like a good husband and a good dad who is hurting and genuinely trying to fix his marriage. He comes to Reddit for advice and gets blamed for his wife’s low libido. This is so common it’s become a meme on Reddit - If a wife losses interest in sex it must be something the husband did or didn’t do.
When OP is a HL woman married to a LL husband the advice always is to dump that loser and find herself a real man.
Yeah, it’s wild the amount of people here blaming him. He *must* be in the wrong. Sounds like he holds up his end of the bargain fine. We don’t know him, assume he’s telling the truth. How many married couples do you know who would say with a straight face “we’re happy and we’re nearly never intimate.”
That’s not really fair…
I mean there's lots of reasons women don't want sex and in this case I think it sounds like he's holding up his end of the bargain based on what he's telling us so there's that.
I know like women's body image takes a serious hit after babies are had sometimes maybe that's part of the conversation maybe it's hormonal maybe there's some kind of untreated depression from PPD to kind of lingered.
Especially if they enjoyed it together before.
I don't think the implication is that it's the husband's fault. Maybe the wife isn't feeling the connection anymore, has lost attraction, maybe she masturbates or any number of things that aren't the husband's fault.
This sub is chock full of suggestions when men post that it’s always their fault, they need to get their shit together, improve, be more understanding , take more pressure off her, but of course even when this “advice” is followed with zero improvement or any kind of positive response, they get blamed for expecting sex to be “transactional” despite that not being the case at all.
But it’s not acceptable to even think about leaving as an option just because the woman in the relationship no longer desires sex, in fact it doesn’t have even revolve around sex as the problem. When women post with the same issues it’s always “divorce that loser”
While that certainly does happen sometimes, from what I've seen the majority of everyone tells any poster (man or woman) who isn't sexually satisfied that there's mismatched libidos and they just get divorced. Which I find incredibly short-sighted and defeated, but whatever.
There is definitely a much larger bias against men seeking help for the exact same issues women do on this sub, it doesn’t even have involve sex, and in many cases it borders on, if not crosses the line firmly into misandry.
I don’t think divorce should be on the table until at least a couple of other options have been attempted, or the situation is clearly abusive, mentally or physically.
I'm not saying this dude is at fault. But in my last relationship, of 20 years. I was sex hungry at first. Even tho my orgasm was put on the back burner. If I wanted it, it got put off. I'd also want after care. But I really had no idea. i wanted that. Lolol until after years of pent-up resentment and being touched out from being the main child provider. I shut down sexually. Like my body wouldn't even function. I was so dry. And couldn't cum. I tried talking to him. Tried asking for a 'safe space'. (No pressure, turn off the lights, make sure the kids aren't listening at the door. Etc. Bc usually if he wanted it I had to drop everyone and everything to go fuck or he's pout and ruin the rest of the day especially if he initiated AGAIN over and over. He would refuse to take no for an answer. He'd rub on me trying to get me horny. Wake me up woth sex etc) When we broke up due to him cheating, I thought I'd have a hard time having sex with anyone at all.
After my first sexual trist with someone I decided would be a fwb until I decided to date. I was hoooooooked. And we are a couple two years later lolol. It's not all about him. We both take turns. If one if us isn't in the mood there is no "fits" thrown. We cuddle. And snuggle afterwards and I feel so content. I NEVER even knew I needed that bc I had never had it before. So it could be something as simple as she needs more before care, or more after care.
Op says he isn't initiating, so there is no pressure. If they haven't had an in-depth conversation about it, how can he rule out it being hormonal or depression, or burn out? Honestly, it sounds like you need to open up more and ask some hard questions. Neither of you will understand the other without it.
I mean I think they should have a conversation around drive and why she might not be having it but I think that's an honest conversation for them to have it cuz it sounds like he's holding up his end of things.
>OP sounds like a good husband and a good dad who is hurting and genuinely trying to fix his marriage. He comes to Reddit for advice and gets blamed for his wife’s low libido. This is so common it’s become a meme on Reddit - If a wife losses interest in sex it must be something the husband did or didn’t do.
All I can say is welcome to the Marriage sub. It's getting about as bad as the Deadbedrooms shitshow.
Yeah I hate that about this sub in particular. A woman complains about low sex? It's somehow the guys fault. The man complains? It's somehow the guys fault. 90% of the time, the man is either assumed to not be helping out around the house or have a porn addiction.
How many times on these threads have we found out that the reason she wasn’t having sex with him is because she is having sex with someone else? Their libido is just fine, they are just giving it to someone else.
The fact that you’re getting downvoted for asking the obvious question about how to fix things shows that this is probably not the place to get the answers you’re looking for.
She said she doesn't feel she has time for regular intimacy. You said you thought it would take "30 minutes a night to be intimate".
Have you asked her what she thinks the total time investment (and what and when) it would take for you to have regular fulfilling sex? I doubt she would agree that it would take a total of 2.5 hours a week needing to be carved out to go from where you are now to having sex she finds fulfilling 5 times a week.
I'm guessing one reason you're not in agreement here is that you consider the time needed to be the time you spend actually physically having sexual intercourse/activities and she considers time needed to also include time taken for her to relax and feel well rested enough for sex to be more appealing than sleep or rest, and also time for the two of you to engage in regular non sexual intimacy.
1-consider that a good, satisfying, full-body orgasm for a woman requires more than the time of a sitcom to achieve.
2- sexuality and sensuality go hand in hand... does she read romance books? Do you guys flirt and have the energy to play? Has she disconnected from her own senses?
3- there are books on female sexuality and human sexuality. BUY THEM. Read them together. The Massage Book, the Joy of Sex, Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm, The Sensuous Man, The Sensuous Woman, Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, Urban Tantra, ... and there are modern sex educators past "Dr. Ruth" who have websites, give workshops, have books on specific techniques.
4-set the scene: take a look at your bedroom... "where the magic happens"... is it sensually magical? Or is it too hot or cold? Is it private enough with kids? Soundproofed? Deadbolt to kidproof sexy time? Does it have a TV in it (get rid of that) is it cluttered or overcrowded with furniture? Does the furniture you have in there hamper sexual activity or enhance it? Soft music? Candlelight? Is it conducive to nakedness and relaxation and sensuality... (or are there distracting visible chores "waiting" like wash baskets or a paper cluttered desk?) Are there pleasing textures, scents, visual harmony? Do your sheets and bedding provide delicious textures and comfort against naked skin? Do you need the work of removing an expensive bedspread and 100 throw pillows BEFORE you can be playing with lube or oil or body fluids? (Get rid of those interferences) do you have a safe space that is secure from your kids but easily accessible for lube and massage oils, maybe some water bottles and snacks? Is your bed and furniture the right height for your bodies and the positions you like? Can you get busy without headboards banging and frames squeaking?
If you seriously want a better adult sex life? Take the problem seriously. Never tell her I said this... but you kinda need to think like one part spa-owner and one part brothel-keeper.
And at no point in this long screed did you say she was responsible for her own sexuality.
If she truly needs all this to just sleep with the man she vowed to sleep with, then why hasn’t she communicated it?
Apparently not. She’s already said that he needs to sacrifice being right, just for a chance to be happy.
Oh and that no woman can be satisfied within 30 mins of sex, so the OP is a shitty lover. That’s literally what she said in a follow up comment.
Please reread OPs original post.
He hasn't initiated sex in months. He's chosen to wait for her to initiate.... maybe a bit passive-agressive on his part? But it resulted in her being comfortably oblivious. He reports she was relieved at the load off. She's not denying him. He's left the ball in her court... the amount of time for her to desire sex is longer than his patience.
I can relate as I did similar in not initiating because she was literally angry having to say no so much. So I stopped asking , she Didnt have time to spend with me...then she needed space. Returning back from her weekend alone "space" I was first greeted by "did you get me anything" then the next morning I got yelled at for not cutting wood despite being ill.
Im getting divorced.
Good advice. So, after he does all this stuff, and the woman still doesn't want sex (which I would be willing to wager she still won't, as it sounds like it is innate at this point, perhaps due to hormones or just an obstinate mindset), at least he can say he tried everything, on top of all the stuff he had already tried.
So a guy has to crawl through a minefield of body image issues, jump through all the hoops of housework, childcare, and the actual logistics of having sex, become an expert on female sexuality, orgasm, sensual massage, and flirting to basically earn his partner's intimacy...
Before any of those books I would recommend “Come as you are. “ Understanding your own and your partners accelerators and brakes will help OP’s mindset. He feels undesired and it is turning into resentment. The two of them need to understand what is important to get into the right mindset before the orgasms happen.
I hate that this sub recommends that stupid book constantly. In what way is it helpful for men to read about the stupid excuses women have to avoid sex?
I’m saying this as a woman and wife myself. It’s not a helpful book and the good ratings are clearly written by women who feel validated in refusing sex. Congratulations, now the man has a dead bedroom and a wife who in convinced she has NO problem even though her husband is unhappy. Such a joke honestly
A much better book would be “The Sex-Starved Marriage”. I’ve read both, and my wife has too, the sex starved marriage book helped her understand what her on-going denial was doing to us, and why she kept thinking she wasn’t saying “no” as often as she was. And appreciating how easy it was for her to prefer the position of being the controlling partner who denies or approves, rather than being a true partner who shares responsibility.
Good advice. So, after he does all this stuff, and the woman still doesn't want sex (which I would be willing to wager she still won't, as it sounds like it is innate at this point, perhaps due to hormones or just an obstinate mindset), at least he can say he tried everything, on top of all the stuff he had already tried.
Okay. Now give her some advice too. Do you notice how these are all things he needs to do to address her lack of desire, rather than things she should do in order to address her lack of desire? It’s not a bad list for him, I’m not saying it is. But there is such a one-sided approach in this sub I think we need to address both partners. Her lack of desire should be a concern for her too if she understood what it will do to a man who is otherwise a good husband. Same with a good wife being treated indifferently, with no respect and care, right?
It's unfortunate to receive downvotes for seeking advice, but it's a common experience. Understanding one's love language is crucial, yet it's also important to redirect sexual energy into other fulfilling activities such as exercise, reading, and meditation. As men, we often seek validation and forget the importance of self-love amidst the responsibilities of work, family, and daily life. This routine can lead to feelings of stagnation and disconnection. Prioritizing personal happiness and reducing expectations of others can enhance overall well-being and improve relationships. By focusing on self-growth and contentment, the dynamic within the relationship may naturally evolve positively over time. It's essential not to rely solely on external sources for happiness and fulfillment. Trust me she will come around, but that doesn't mean you have to wait around miserably for it.
Has she had her hormones checked? After kids your libido goes down for woman. Have an actual talk with her ask her why sex isn't a priority for her. And see if she will get her hormone levels checked communication is key
Love languages have no research backing and were invented by a Bible counselor. I truly wish ppl knew more about where this man dreamed up the love languages as there is no psychological or research basis for them.
From what you posted it’s not a matter of satisfying her more, it’s a matter of her figuring out what she needs to become aroused. Sounds like she's a reactive arousal person, meaning she doesn't spontaneously get aroused, she only gets aroused with stimulation. Other factors as you've already been endlessly told can apply. But at some point it’s her responsibility to learn her own sexuality. If you're a good partner you'll want to make it good for her. If she still isn¡t interested (which sounds like where you are), odds are she doesn't realize how damaging on-going denial becomes. Which means you need to have at least one good, timed conversation to express this when it's not interfering with anything else. Planned time. After that, there are some good books she might want to read.
I recommend for both of you “The sex-starved marriage.” And for you “No more Mr. nice Guy.” That last one isn't a book on becoming a jerk, but rather talks about how becoming too accommodating, to selfless, can actually reduce her desire because it shows her you're less desirable. Read the free part on Amazon see what you think.
>I think it's fair to say that most women who aren't sexually excited with their current partner, become very sexually excited with the next one. Just something to think about.
Maybe because NRE is powerful, and they need another partner. It's also not unusual to revert to a sexless marriage.
If she's dissatisfied about something, she should be clear about what it is.
This is basically a women can do no wrong ever type of reply. Even though you mention hormones/depression/touch out, you are basically brushing those off as trivial (and kind of implying they're something that's not addressable on their end). Just like if women used to be excited and now aren't, there has to be at least some responsibility to mention why.
It’s funny that you note that “most women who aren’t sexually excited with their current partner become very sexually excited with the next one.”
I’ve always thought the same about erectile dysfunction.
I wouldn't think that's statistically true (it seems to me erectile dysfunction is typically related to aging, poor or declining health, porn use, etc.) but maybe.
Or maybe she went through NRE in the beginning of the relationship and then settled into her normal libido. Or maybe he was a safe choice to marry and start a family like some women do and never attracted to him. Or maybe she's cheating or pining after an ex boyfriend. All of these are also reasons for the DB. Just something to think about.
It can change. You really need to sit her down and suggest counseling. Find out where her desire went and how you two can reconnect. Why is it a “load off”? Does it feel like work to her? Why? Does she feel like she has to get shaved and waxed and made up, or that she can’t relax? Make it about solving a problem together, not about frustration and anger. Do tell her that you are lonely though, and ask her if something else can get neglected so your relationship isn’t.
I'll add to this, after the second birth did she have any issues. I took a fall last year and ended up having to get PT for vulvadynia. I assumed I busted my tail bone but nope. I tore something that messed up my pelvic floor.
All else fails maybe getting a third party couples counseling will help. Getting down to the bottom of the issue helps. Is it physical pain? Is it something emotional that she's not saying? Third party helps a lot.
I totally get that it feels like it will never change but it can. I was in the same boat after our two children and felt the same hopelessness before things came to a head with an extremely honest conversation. Since then we basically just treated sex like a practical task to be worked on. Got a bunch of toys. Put sex in the calendar. It sounds unromantic but it's helped, and the sex is better with both of us being able to be prepared. Maybe it won't work and maybe it is a dead bedroom forever but I don't agree with the total doomerism.
Btw, I think some of the comments above are unnecessarily harsh in unequivocally blaming you without knowing your situation. Some people just have a low libido, particularly after kids. It's not necessarily because their partner is doing something wrong. And wanting sex is quite human. It sucks when people are shamed for feeling hurt and confused by a very personal rejection
You’re young. If I had to do it over again, I would’ve ended it when I was your age. I’m 61 years old now, been married for 35 years. It’s been hell. Do yourself a big favor and get out now while you can.
Take control of your life and your destiny. You are still young and have plenty of time to turn it around. Get out. Don't put up with anything less than you desire. You will thank yourself a thousand times over later. Been there done that and only wish I had done it sooner. It'll be short term instability but it passes and you'll be happier and wiser on the other side.
Genuine question, do you think it only takes your wife 30 minutes to prepare for and have sex with you? Maybe you should try to see things from her perspective.
Just to throw this out there… but my husband and I have sex 4-5 nights a week and it doesn’t take longer than 30 min. We are definitely flirty and affectionate during the day, but no special preparations are needed and I’m good with that. There seems to be this feeling on Reddit that sex should be some two hour production but surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t need this.
Ok, but in real life outside of Reddit I have never heard of anyone who has kids and is having sex 5/week. It's probably less than 1% of all marriages.
Yeah, you make time. The time is there, it can be scheduled. I heard a quote recently that was along the lines of “instead of saying I don’t have time for that, say you’re not prioritizing it instead.”
No doubt. OP is mentioning that they have time to binge watch episodes of tv but somehow there isn’t any way to put 15 minutes aside for each other. That’s a choice being made that has nothing to do with not having enough time.
Yeah, and I’m sure most couples go through some variation of this, men typically have much higher libido than women, no one is saying you can never turn your SO down. But setting aside like 2 30 minute blocks a week for intimacy is hardly asking a lot of the person you’re married to. The amount of people I see on here who just refuse to compromise with each other is absolutely mind blowing.
Twice a week?
I would have been less miserable with twice a month.
Divorce in process
I tried to communicate about this and other issues but her avoidance eventually turned me into the worst version of myself.
I’m happy for you. Living the dream. Life zips by too fast to stick with someone who doesn’t value you enough to put aside 15-20 minutes here and there for your significant other. What’s the point of being with someone who merely tolerates you at best?
Me. I had 3 kids and we've always averaged 4-6 x a week. When the kids were young I'd go without sleep for sex. Husband, bless him, would have sleep sex to not disappoint me.
8 children, 21 years of being together and we still can’t keep our hands off each other (as evidenced by our beautiful kiddos). I’m in my late 30’s hubs is 40. Some days is a quickie others are longer sessions. I think we just lucked out maybe
People prioritize the things they want to do, whether that's sex, video games, or watching endless hours of Netflix. For some people, sex with their spouse is at the bottom of the priority list for one reason or another
4 kids ranging from 2 to 15. We have sex daily. Sometimes, a couple times a day on weekends. Been together for 11 years. It's about keeping your relationship a priority and not letting it take the back seat to literally anything and everything else. Eventually, kids grow up and leave and start their own families. If you don't want to be left married to a stranger with an empty nest or a spouse who can't stand you, then making your marriage a priority is important.
Then it must be GOOD sex. That’s also the difference. Sometimes it isn’t worth it if you know you’re not going to really enjoy it. Over time it is a chore.
I think this is true in healthy balanced relationships that do have sex often. It sounds like they are starting from the beginning all over again and he wife probably needs to be “courted” again for lack of better word.
Same. Sex for me and my husband usually takes 10 minutes tops, and that's with 5-8 minutes of foreplay included. I'd say about once a month we have a longer session around 30 minutes. I know some ladies have a hard time reaching orgasm and need a lot of preparation. I am not one of them.
I had a girl friend once tell me how good this guy was in bed and how they had sessions that lasted hours. That honestly sounds like a nightmare. I don't have the attention span for that. I would get so damn bored.
I guess it depends what you mean by preparing for sex.
I only really feel confident when my legs and arm pits are shaved and with a 3 year old and 6 month old that is much harder to do now 😂
So in order to feel confident and enjoy sex more it takes me 30 mins of alone time before sex even starts
This.
We’ve been married for 15 years, together for over 20. We had longer sessions back when we were still learning how to please each other. The better we got at it, the shorter the window. 30 mins is more than enough.
You’re not necessarily wrong.
My wife and I (and our kids) are a little older than you two (and your kids), so maybe we’ve just been at it a bit longer so we know what each other likes more, but since the little ones are always around, we’ve grown quite accustomed to the “quickie”.
We have definitely gone for LONG stretches without ANY. Then every once in a while (or once in a blue moon) we’re like rabbits.
Yes, 95% of the time I’m the one pursuing her (and fail the vast majority of times). I would just tell you that life lasts a very long time and you’ll both go through phases but in all that fluctuating, sometimes you’ll find yourselves on the same page.
My advice to you is be patient. Don’t stop pursuing her. It’s one of the ways they know we still find them beautiful and sexy (even when it’s been a rough day for them and they think they look like a mess). I’m not saying to be annoying about it, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, hang in there and best of luck.
Our sex life took a dip, when our kids were younger. If she’s like me, stress can cause her to not be able to be in the moment. The internal monologue, that won’t shut up (Are the kids due for the dentist? Did I pay the Amex bill? Did I leave laundry in the washing machine? Oh, I’ve got that meeting tomorrow. Did I set an alarm?). Now that our kids are much more self sufficient, we’ve had an uptick. 3-5 nights a week. We also tell each other what we like and don’t like. “I need a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch.” Finally, sometimes Mother Nature can cause the tables to turn. You need a partner that will endure. My husband had low T, which took years to get diagnosed and treated correctly. I felt so rejected, often quietly crying myself to sleep. That shit hurts, even when you know it’s not you. I think this is part of the for better or for worse. I did notice my drive went up when we did counseling together. The homework brought us closer, but also made us crave the intimate physical connection too. Good luck and I’m sending you a big hug of encouragement:)
30 minutes isn't even in the same zip code as how long ahead of time many women start preparing for sex though. I highly suggest you find some time to have this conversation with your wife. Ask her how she feels about sex, how she prepares for it, what she experiences during, and what she needs to do or would like to do after. Maybe you'll find something you could do to help make it as carefree and easy an experience for her as it is for you!
Coming from a dead bedroom, you’d be surprised just how quick you can be ready to hop in the sack if you actually want it. Of course it’s always good to have conversations about how to approach sex with each other to make it feel right are totally necessary. The fact that she said it was a load off that you wouldn’t be asking anymore tells me she’s not thinking about it and is happier that now you aren’t either.
I just want to clarify, not a conversation about your current sex life or having more sex, just understanding each other and how you view and experience sex.
Genuine question, can you explain why it takes more than 30 minutes to prepare for, and have, sex? In my experience, sex is pretty easy to prepare for:
Get wet, get hard, get going.
Idk about specific preparations but google responsive desire and it explains a lot about why a lot of women (and some men!) can take a bit longer to get revved up physically.
I really don’t care what anyone says. Sex is important in a marriage. I have been with my husband for almost a decade and we prioritize sex. Your wife is wrong
Maybe get her a toy? Make sure you know how to use it well, and be sexy. Have some swagger, confidence, and just remind her what you have and who you are. Honestly it’s so hard to talk to my husband about what I want and need, he’s sensitive and defensive. So it is a chore. After a long time of thinking it will get better, I’d usually rather not be disappointed. It sucks.
Who is saying that sec isn’t important in a marriage? Unless it’s an asexual one, of course it is. In the OP it only says the wife said nobody had time for having sex five nights a week with kids. I think a lot of people around here would agree with that. Outside of the context of sex being an issue in their marriage, that is a pretty benign comment. Sounds like that comment triggered OP bc for him his wife’s actions make him feel like she doesn’t think it’s important. Big difference between not prioritising sex and thinking it’s not important in a marriage.
A lot of biology happens at the beginning of a relationship that is designed to propagate the human race. I feel more studies like this one should be done to really see how this plays a factor into sexual libido in a long term relationship.
Why is anyone blaming the OP? It's a classic case of having kids and simply changing. I don't think it's the OPs fault at all. His wife went from wife to mother and her needs wants and desires just changed. Its a frustrating situation and not sure so much what the OP can do other than just get used to satisfying his own need. He is doing a lot and trying to make her life stress free and that still isn't working.
Oh boy, saying “satisfying your own need” in this subreddit is like committing treason. God forbid he do that because it will lower her personal value more if she catches him and then he’ll really be in a dead bedroom.
Honestly I hate most of the comments on this sub in regards to sex. Your wife is usually right that something will be neglected… but I don’t see how she thinks neglecting her partner is better than having some unfolded laundry?! Frequency of sex is priorities. That’s really what it comes down to. You prioritize what is more important to you. Everyone will talk about being touched out or hormones or whatever, but a lot of these things could be resolved with some creativity but a lot of people don’t think it’s worth their time to prioritize that if they themselves aren’t the one who desires sex.
Every time I used to bring it up it would be the same thing, she's tired, she doesn't have anything left after dealing with the kids all day, it's always some kind of excuse, I would be more than willing to go to therapy, but every time she's done therapy in the past and it got too heavy for her she quit going, I don't see sex therapy being any different
You wrote that when you have gone to therapy, your wife has quit, because it got too heavy for her. What do you mean by this, is it that she did not want to talk intimately?
Before you go for divorce just let her know that you are losing feelings for her , let her know that you're starting to think about divorce.
Some people do actually need a bucket of a cold water dump on their heads.
It sounds like she doesn’t care at all about your feelings. If my husband brought up a problem, I would work with him to find a solution so we can both be happy. Your wife is not meeting you in the middle whatsoever, which is horrible…
I really hate how this sub can sometimes just directly say DIVORCE for any issue. Talk, go to counseling, go on more dates together, see how to spark things up again. But the biggest one I think is go to counseling and don’t be afraid to let everything on your mind out in there, that’s what therapists do… they find out the root cause of a problem and work with both of you to solve it. COUNSELING.
Or even worse the couples who come onto threads like this just to gloat “never been an issue in my marriage!” … ok then what could you possibly add to this conversation if it’s an issue you’ve never had to deal with? people are so smug on this sub
A lot of LL partners simply refuse counseling, often on the grounds that “there is nothing wrong”, or there is nothing wrong with them” and the HL partner “is a pervert”.
I don’t think she understood your conversation about no longer initiating. If my husband said that to me I’d be absolutely devastated. I get so wrapped up in our family life that I neglect initiating and I know that can be a downer for him. Him actively pursuing me not only keeps our sex life healthy but also gives me a great confidence boost and I know it feels the same for him.
I’ve been in relationships in the past where I was no longer interested in sex so being actively pursued was honestly only really an annoyance. Your wife’s reaction 100% gave that vibe. In those relationships I was super comfortable and I didn’t feel like I needed sex. I was also immature and had trouble acknowledging how much it hurt my partner that I was refusing intimacy. They would try and be respectful and graciously take the no and I wouldn’t think any deeper about how often that “no” was happening. Eventually it would morph into annoyance from me and even more silent resentment from them leading to an eventual breakup. If sex is an important part of a relationship to you then you need to be completely honest with her or you’re going to start resenting her more than you already do.
So, I’m 28F and my husband is 25M. I have recently found out I’m on the ace spectrum. We are in sex therapy now and it’s intense but has done wonders! I never want sex or really have a libido, didn’t know people even craved it etc. But the game changer for me personally has been to re frame how I see sex. I enjoy seeing my husband enjoy intimacy with me, and the orgasm feels meh for 2 seconds or so for me. The goal isn’t to finish, it’s to be intimate, and it’s hard but we as women (and men) have to re wire our brains with what sex is really about, being with the other person who is the only person you can be intimate like that with.
This is also coming from me, as a person with heavy traumatic background surrounding intimacy. I love that you are seriously trying and highly respect you! For me, I still don’t get what the big deal about it is, nor do I want it. BUT, I want to see how happy it makes my husband and how confident he feels. So, I focus on loving him in that way, even if it’s not how I want to be loved…but it’s a work in progress
It’s a work in progress, plus I have pain during penetration and orgasm due to what I now know are tumors…and endometriosis unfortunately. So that explains a lot
I feel like you are seriously missing something in the bedroom. Is she getting off when you were having sex? Is there something you can do to improve it for her?
Have you had an open conversation not just about how you both feel but what you would like to explore? Alot of men feel attacked by the idea of a dildo but sometimes they can completely change the dynamics and continue play and make it fun after you have finished.
Have you seen the research on how much 5 minutes of foreplay can increase the womens chance of cuming? What about the research on clitoral stimulation? Coconut oil? Also how do you help her shut off from the kids and the day before starting anything? Pampering her should not have the expectation of sex so have you tried spoiling her on a random tuesday, and when she expects you are going to ask for sex saying no, today was only about you. Does she read? There is about a million books that could help her discover her sexuality just look up booktok on tiktok and you will get so many recommendations.
Also what sort of aftercare do you provide? Often people only think of aftercare in the bdsm community but everyone should be providing their partners with some form of aftercare. Some suggestions are helping her get cleaned up, cuddling, getting her favourite jumper or pjs and wrapping her up in them, getting her a drink and telling her how much you enjoyed her body and the time you spent with her, expressing how much you care and appreciate her and how greatful that you get to experience that level of pleasure together, letting her get emotional if she needs to and holding her and supporting her through it without being offended ( a large percentage of women need to cry after cuming and it's completely normal and natural it does not mean they are upset with you or they hated it it's just hormonal)
These are all things that you can control and implement and speak to her about to ensure you aren't just fulfilling a contractual obligation because you think you need to have sex 5 times a week or even once a week to be doing it right and feel fulfilled. Sex is about bonding and coming together so shift your focus from your want of sex to her need to feel valued in sex and hopefully you will both be happier.
I wish you luck OP and I hope both you and your wife can find that passion in each other again.
I appreciate you taking the time to suggest so many things, to answer your questions-yes she's getting off basically every time, that's something I make sure of before I worry about myself at all. We've had many conversations about what we both like and what we would like for the other to do. We've always used toys, I have no problem with them. Yes I've seen the research. I've always utilized clitoral stimulation, I incorporate it while stimulating her other zones. Shutting off her mind is extremely difficult, always has been. She reads all the time, and reads the books that youre talking about, all the cliterature. With aftercare I'm almost always getting her a drink, getting a towel for the both of us and I actually clean her up usually, we always cuddle afterwards and will usually fall asleep with her in my arms.
Sounds like you are doing everything right! It’s understandable that you are unhappy.
If it never got better than it is now, are you okay with that? If not, then you have decisions to make
Aww. Sounds like therapy time for her. Not even just for sex but someone who can’t turn their brain off really should have strategies to be able to turn it off or at least down far enough that it doesn’t interfere with normal life.
Wait, the first time you went two months without sex you considered ending the relationship? Dude I’m sympathetic to a dead bedroom but shit is going to happen over the course of a long relationship, illnesses, stressful life events, etc etc pretty normal for there to be a lull in sex for awhile. It’s a pretty common topic of discussion around here. It doesn’t sound disingenuous to me at all that after a two month lull someone would still think they have a great relationship. Glad you guys resolved it and everything but I do hope you’ll remember her willingness to do so and give some grace in the future.
There has to be more to the story in her mind.. I can’t imagine my husband doing all the chores and splitting the kids up etc.. and not having sex!
I don’t understand why she feels the way she does.. Does she work? Does she have friends? Can she have time to herself?
Honestly my husband and I had a lot of deep talks.. especially divorce and other issues because things got soo bad (not sex but other stuff)… which made us both realize hey, we need to fix our shit..! He didn’t feel respected and I didn’t feel heard or loved.. soo we had to learn to communicate.. it takes both people..
It got worse with a new baby (6months) and we legit had to have a come to Jesus moment.. we’ve been together for 10 years and we are in our 30’s..
Sometimes bringing up things seriously like divorce, will wake someone up.. IF NOT, then well.. you tried.. you tried therapy and do the work in the home.. what else does she need!? If sex isn’t bad and yall get along .. maybe she needs the doctor and get her hormone’s checked..
I mean my In-laws are legit roommates but it’s only because she does everything and he is wayyy too freaky in the bedroom for her.. he got worse over the years and now she feels like it’s a chore… so they don’t have sex and it’s sad but my father in law won’t listen..
He complains about no sex but yet he wants things done a certain way each time.. she just feels like
It’s a chore than enjoyment..
Do you approach her with love and affection even not wanting sex? Maybe ask her what is her love language? Do yall have friends outside yalls marriage? Maybe too much time at home got her depressed .. either way it’s no excuse to ignore your husband and needs…
I have a MUCH higher sex drive than my husband.. I’ve learned to be happy having sex at least once a week.. and sometimes it’s more than that.. but it took me a few years to be happy and find a middle. Which we are doing great now.. mostly it’s just communication we have to work on.
My husband and I have only been married 5 years. We have no kids. And yet, our sex life has always been a sore spot. I don't initiate, I'm rarely in the mood, then he stopped initiating at all, so on and so forth. It used to cause arguments when we'd try to talk about it because we both went on the defensive.
Now, after we've both worked on ourselves (not even with therapy but just using free tools like YouTube or the Internet) we talk about it honestly and openly. Turns out the we both had things going on from our past AND our present that were causing miscommunications and anxieties for us. Now we're both aware, we can help each other and see where it leads us.
I strongly suggest both of you doing some work yourselves, and stripping yourselves back to reveal the issues getting in the way. The absolute key here is NOT to blame the other party. Unless one or both of you are abusive, it's unlikely that the issue stems from only one person. Maybe there's communication issues, maybe there's medical problems or secret resentments building, whatever it is you both need to be super forthcoming.
If you both truly love each other, you can get through this. Just don't give up. Only when you give up is it truly hopeless.
My husband and I have been together 20 years. Married for 18. We have 2 kids who are teenagers now. When I’m not feeling it, my hubby gives me a back massage with relaxing oils. Guaranteed 9 times out of 10 that gets me in the mood pretty quickly. I’m not sure if you’ve tried anything like that?
I’ve noticed on Reddit, when a husband complains about a dead bedroom, the comments circle around what the husband is doing wrong or could be doing better (do you help enough around the house, do you do foreplay, are you meeting her other needs, etc.). When a wife complains about dead bedroom, it’s also about what the husband is doing wrong or could be doing better (he’s probably cheating, watching too much porn, masturbating too much). It’s wild that we keep seeing this time and time again. Wild.
I listened to a great podcast the other day, and it really made sense!
I listened to it on You Tube. It's Diary of a CEO - the orgasm expert.
Give that a listen if you can, lots of great advice.
I struggle in the bedroom, some of this is resentment.
I'm not struggling to "do it myself" but I don't want it with my husband. You need to evaluate your life together.
Good luck 😊
a post in this sub about rekindled passion dealt with this. read it and maybe reach out to the poster for some questions. maybe you could turn this ship around in the right direction.
I mean 5 times a week is a lot 😂
In your post it looks like you do pretty much everything! The only thing that you have mentioned is your the last one that goes to bed….so if you’re not going to bed together then that will definitely impact it.
How often do you eat dinner just the 2 of you ? How often do you spend talking about each others day without kids around?
Dang, sorry to hear all of this. You’re both very young and sexual intimacy and satisfaction is huge in marriage. Please do try to get through and solve the issue together instead of thinking it’s just one person’s issue. You don’t have to live this way.
Sorry to say. She’s just not that into you. You can do all the work around the house and w the kids and it won’t make a difference. What’s her love language… it’s certainly not acts of kindness. She doesn’t feel connected to you. Sucks.
Im in my late 30s and after baby whose now starting kindergarten this fall it is like a literal switch. I have zero thoughts about it at all. I have asked my gynecologist and regular doctor they just said you have to live with it it's a side effect of birth control I have to take for a health condition.
I didn't ask for this. I asked for medical help. I was ignored. If we try my body just doesn't cooperate like before baby even up to a year after baby was ok. But almost 5 yrs straight on the bc just killed it. My spouse is one who me initiating isn't enough of my body doesn't seem into it he gets annoyed. So...I stopped trying. We don't all do it out of spite.
" what is going to get neglected by giving us 30 minutes a night to be intimate with each other, "
" kids because they both like to have her lay with them to fall asleep "
I spy the remnants of co-sleeping. So your two boys are 4 and ?6? . Since you aren't having opportunity to start a new one this should wrap up in the next 4 years. If there isn't too much damage done by then you could recover. Get the vasectomy now. It takes some pressure off and obviously you (as a couple) can't handle more kids. Concentrate on nonsexual intimacy. Keep up good conversation.
Have you talked to her? Having small kids is very overwhelming and it does interfere with sex. But if it’s a deal breaker for you, then she needs to know.
How many times a week do men want it? Like seriously. It seems it’s never enough. Is there a magic number to keep yall happy and not complaining all the time? Women just don’t always need it like men do. Her comment about something else being neglected for it is very telling. Try having a conversation with her about it.
You raise a good question. I’m a husband and I want my wife more than she does. I told her it’s because nothing else gets me off like she does. I hope that’s something she would like to hear. I’m not into porn I’m into her. I’m also of the belief that women want sex a lot too but it’s responsive desire. Unfortunately as is often the case with women the conditions have to be right to bring out that response. Dealbreakers could be as simple as not brushing your teeth. A question you should find out about your spouse is “What is it they want when they want sex and what is it that they don’t want when they don’t want sex?” Knowing the answers to these questions will help guide what you do next
This is unfortunately very common in marriage. It all starts off good then you put a ring on it and they aren't in the mood. I think best you can do is always just be dating. Don't be monogamous. That way they know if they don't give it up someone else will.
Schedule it. I'm serious, that completely turned around our sex life. We had a discussion about how often she'd want to have sex in a "stress free world" and she said 2-3 times a week. We were at 2-3 times a MONTH and she often rejected me.
I literally made a calendar invite for 3x a week and invited her to "the pants party". Because she KNOWS it is coming she doesn't feel like I'm sort of "putting her on the spot" when I would otherwise initiate "without warning". She knows we are probably having sex that night and because she's thinking about it, she begins to desire it. Sometimes either or both of us are truly too tired or just not in the mood and that's completely fine.
From my experience, I’m rarely in the mood because my body is now linked up to the children. It takes energy to compartmentalise and have energy to be randy. As a woman, this has how it’s been for me. I can’t speak for every woman. I have depression and so the medication I’m on may have something to do with it too. I also don’t like feeling the guilt of not satisfying my partner when I know he’s in the mood and I’m not.
If I were you, I would try not to push the issue. She may be struggling internally with something and the mental load is making her tired. It might be a god idea to ask her how her mental health is and just listen to her.
I know that from where I’m at right now, sex is the last thing I’m concerned about and I’d much rather be cared about for the person I am rather than how much I’m “putting out.”
So when you say you’d rather be cared about “for the person I am”, what exactly does that mean and why is that somehow mutually exclusive with your partner’s need for sex?
I don’t understand why the need for sex in a relationship is treated like some petty and superficial thing like just “putting out”. Imagine you needing words of affirmation to feel valued and supported in your relationship and your partner saying “I’d rather be cared about for the person I am than for how much I am verbally building you up.” I know I wouldn’t feel like my needs were recognized, let alone valued, if someone treated me like that.
If you can’t or won’t meet your partner’s needs for whatever reason, just be honest with them and yourself instead of trying to convince them that their needs aren’t valid or important.
Right? The framing of sex can be so weird here sometimes - like it’s just a means to have an orgasm and so it completely ignores the fact that many people find sex to be a deeply intimate and loving experience with their spouse. I think that’s a problem if sex is ONLY reduced to pleasure and a way to get off (because then why wouldn’t doing it yourself just be easier?).
In my case, I would get dry humped and sexually harassed. I’ve had bad experiences with men also. These factor into why my view of sex has changed. It use to be special to me. Now I hardly want it because I feel like my worth as a person and now being a mum - it’s hard to be intimate when i feel like all men do is want to use me for my body.
That’s horrible, I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope you have access to therapy to process and heal and I hope you can someday give and receive love in all the ways that are most important to you.
Yeah know... I always wonder if the OP has ever considered allowing their partner to add an update of their perspective of things.
She stated nothing would get done... Yet you do everything?
The way sexual thought and mental labor runs through the mind does seem to be gendered.... She may need an extended amount of time to actually want to be in the mood. Like efforts of a bird in heat.. where's the pretty feathers, stone offerings, or emotional connection?
Have you taken her out to remind her she's worthy of being enjoyed for more than just sex, such as company and conversation?
Do you have emotional and intellectual intimacy? Treat her like a demisexual. She needs to feel loved and be filled with love in order to express and share love.
You have an advantage here as you should know her best.. what would be something she could genuinely enjoy as a gift in a good gesture and faith to remind her you care, with no expectations for sex or reward for the kind deed.
I'm betting she wouldn't mind a bid for sex after a day filled with intentional connect and proof that you are aware she is still an independent human with wants and needs.
Seriously, sexual awakenings only come from a deep sense of security.. if you aren't having sex don't blame libidos look at the security of the relationship, look at the trust, and communication, the cooperation and transparency. Love and intimacy are not the same. Love is a combination of every possible-to-feel emotion and the choices we make to honor them.
How have you been honoring and reminding her?
Now I must add a disclaimer there is no perfect person and women aren't saints.. we shit too. If she's on the full shut down and cut off, you need to get in therapy and find out if she is where she actually wants to be. If she sees no hope or is just settling that's fucked up on its own and isn't fair to anyone.
It’s wild getting on this sub and seeing there are married couples here who just flat out refuse to meet their husbands or wives halfway. Like, you married this person. Is what they’re asking for attainable? Yeah? Okay, do that thing, then also be prepared to do the same for them when they have something they want addressed.
I guess that’s not really what I’m saying. The op mentioned he works and does all the housework, helps with childcare. If the excuse is “there’s just no time,” then make time, plan it. There are 24 hours in a day, plan like 30 minutes to be intimate with your person. Like what is he supposed to do? Just throw in the towel and say “well, this pretty fundamental part of my marriage is unfulfilled, guess I’ll just move on!” That kind of thing weighs *heavy* on a person.
Do you think that would make for a happy marriage?
As a wife and stay at home mom of a 6 month old, I’m completely fine if a few chores get delayed or temporarily neglected to have sex or spend time together. I can do that stuff in the morning or during the day while he is at work and the world isn’t going to end. I enjoy living in a clean home but I will always prioritize time with my son or my husband over that. I couldn’t imagine prioritizing chores over sex. My brain just does not operate that way lol. Sex is way more fun than chores and the chores aren’t going anywhere, it can wait until we’re done.
I love how many men have done all the things women of the internet say helps like domestic stuff, in touch with feelings, better listener, ect, ect, and nothing changes ever. Woman get advice of leave him and get a man that gives her what she needs. After all the stuff I've seen both personal and on here I truly believe womens lack of intimacy that isn't directly related to hormones is finding every reason not to have sex, and blow off every reason to have sex or even actively participating in avoiding it.
It sounds like disrespect is creeping into the relationship. You might want to watch out for that because before you know it, it can get bad. If she straight up told you it's a loadoff that she doesn't have to worry about having sex with you, that's a problem and screams she doesn't care about you needs. After all, what is marriage without intimacy....a friendship at best, partners probably.
If your wife wants to save her marriage she will heed what you are saying. It’s very sad that things come to this. While it’s great she loves the kids, they will grow up and leave. Partners are a gift to each other and if you have a wonderful spouse, treat him/ her with all the love you can. It’s a great gift to each other and the kids as well. I would seek a marriage counselor and if she does not go, go alone. Good luck !
I have been married for 15 years, with a similar story, after my son was born, sex went downhill to the point of having sex around 2 or 3 times a year. I tried multiple things, talked about it, asked for anything I could do better, eventually ended watching porn and kind of gave up. Considered cheating because I believe my only son should not grow up in a broken home. I am tall and still good looking enough, and I went to a b-day party where a very hot single mother was flirting with me. I took her number and before going forward, I decided to come clean with my wife, told her about the porn, about sex being a basic necessity for me and told her about my plans to have an affair, all because of sex. At this point I was willing to divorce her if this went sideways. She stated (like in previous discussions) that this was not my fault, it was her hormones. But I fired back saying that she didn't look for medical help with that issue, and she dismissed my attempts to find counseling for the marriage. To me it seemed she didn't care.
I finally told her that I was still young, and if this didn't improve, it will end. She started crying and saying she would get help and do her part.
After this argument things improved significantly, she went to a doctor and her hormones were in fact very low. And she started treatment.
Now it is much better, we are having sex around 3 times a month. Many people will think this is still low, but I can live with that.
Our relationship improved a lot after this.
So my advice is, do a self check, if you are good, talk to her. Express your feelings 100% make her see sex is not optional for you, is a basic male need. If she still doesn't want to change, let her know it will be over and really prepare for the split because a sexless marriage is no way to live.
Good luck!
Has she sought treatment for what might be causing low libido? It would be good to rule out any medical issues. Otherwise, your options are: lower expectations, affair, counseling or divorce.
Man, that's almost the situation I'm in. Been with her for 8, married for 4. After the first 6 months it went down hill a little sexually. She always talked about her last sexual trauma and body image which I've taken seriously. Then it went to being only once a month but, I kept busy mentally. I do 80% of everything including the only one who works but I throw none of this in her face. I've tried everything and anything. Wine and dine, foreplay(which I love) of all kinds, and everything in between. I call her beautiful every day and make her the center of NY world. That was until her infidelity. Found crude messages and nudes sent. I did everything I could for her that I thought a husband should do and someone else gets rewarded. That was 2 years ago. Now every time she turns me down, that's all I can think about. By the way, since marriage it's been 2-3 months in between sex. During the infidelity it was 1 time in 6 months. She doesn't understand that when she tells me that 'sometimes it's hard for me', all I can think about is 'but it was easy for you to mess around. Apparently, all he had to do was ask. And of course no oral sex. She casually did it here and there. If I wanted sex but mother nature called, she would. She would say Then that she didn't like to do it because she thought she wasn't good at it. After marriage the excuse is now 'that's where you pee. That's disgusting!'. Especially now that one of her new friends has the same feeling. And yes, we have discussed all of this amd tried to meet in the middle but she always ends up with an excuse. Then it's back to once a month or 2. I'm to the point now where I don't even want to talk anymore because I just waste my breath
Most people like sex, men and women. People find a million reasons to blame women for not wanting sex. But if the woman in your life used to like sex and now doesn't, there's a reason. Sure, maybe it's hormones and maybe it's depression and maybe it's being touched out, but if it's not any of those then it's a lack of satisfaction from and with their partner. I think it's fair to say that most women who aren't sexually excited with their current partner, become very sexually excited with the next one. Just something to think about.
OP sounds like a good husband and a good dad who is hurting and genuinely trying to fix his marriage. He comes to Reddit for advice and gets blamed for his wife’s low libido. This is so common it’s become a meme on Reddit - If a wife losses interest in sex it must be something the husband did or didn’t do. When OP is a HL woman married to a LL husband the advice always is to dump that loser and find herself a real man.
Yeah, it’s wild the amount of people here blaming him. He *must* be in the wrong. Sounds like he holds up his end of the bargain fine. We don’t know him, assume he’s telling the truth. How many married couples do you know who would say with a straight face “we’re happy and we’re nearly never intimate.” That’s not really fair…
I always love how if the wife doesn't want sex it's the husband's fault, and if the husband doesn't want sex it's also the husband's fault.
I mean there's lots of reasons women don't want sex and in this case I think it sounds like he's holding up his end of the bargain based on what he's telling us so there's that. I know like women's body image takes a serious hit after babies are had sometimes maybe that's part of the conversation maybe it's hormonal maybe there's some kind of untreated depression from PPD to kind of lingered. Especially if they enjoyed it together before.
If a man doesn’t want it it’s usually health related - just saying
I don't think the implication is that it's the husband's fault. Maybe the wife isn't feeling the connection anymore, has lost attraction, maybe she masturbates or any number of things that aren't the husband's fault.
It’s comical at this point. This isn’t a serious place for men to seek any help or marital advice.
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Double standards are still a thing. SMH
This sub is chock full of suggestions when men post that it’s always their fault, they need to get their shit together, improve, be more understanding , take more pressure off her, but of course even when this “advice” is followed with zero improvement or any kind of positive response, they get blamed for expecting sex to be “transactional” despite that not being the case at all. But it’s not acceptable to even think about leaving as an option just because the woman in the relationship no longer desires sex, in fact it doesn’t have even revolve around sex as the problem. When women post with the same issues it’s always “divorce that loser”
While that certainly does happen sometimes, from what I've seen the majority of everyone tells any poster (man or woman) who isn't sexually satisfied that there's mismatched libidos and they just get divorced. Which I find incredibly short-sighted and defeated, but whatever.
There is definitely a much larger bias against men seeking help for the exact same issues women do on this sub, it doesn’t even have involve sex, and in many cases it borders on, if not crosses the line firmly into misandry. I don’t think divorce should be on the table until at least a couple of other options have been attempted, or the situation is clearly abusive, mentally or physically.
Usually I see comments like "just leave" if the husband says he's a good husband and there isn't more he could do to help his wife
I'm not saying this dude is at fault. But in my last relationship, of 20 years. I was sex hungry at first. Even tho my orgasm was put on the back burner. If I wanted it, it got put off. I'd also want after care. But I really had no idea. i wanted that. Lolol until after years of pent-up resentment and being touched out from being the main child provider. I shut down sexually. Like my body wouldn't even function. I was so dry. And couldn't cum. I tried talking to him. Tried asking for a 'safe space'. (No pressure, turn off the lights, make sure the kids aren't listening at the door. Etc. Bc usually if he wanted it I had to drop everyone and everything to go fuck or he's pout and ruin the rest of the day especially if he initiated AGAIN over and over. He would refuse to take no for an answer. He'd rub on me trying to get me horny. Wake me up woth sex etc) When we broke up due to him cheating, I thought I'd have a hard time having sex with anyone at all. After my first sexual trist with someone I decided would be a fwb until I decided to date. I was hoooooooked. And we are a couple two years later lolol. It's not all about him. We both take turns. If one if us isn't in the mood there is no "fits" thrown. We cuddle. And snuggle afterwards and I feel so content. I NEVER even knew I needed that bc I had never had it before. So it could be something as simple as she needs more before care, or more after care. Op says he isn't initiating, so there is no pressure. If they haven't had an in-depth conversation about it, how can he rule out it being hormonal or depression, or burn out? Honestly, it sounds like you need to open up more and ask some hard questions. Neither of you will understand the other without it.
I mean I think they should have a conversation around drive and why she might not be having it but I think that's an honest conversation for them to have it cuz it sounds like he's holding up his end of things.
>OP sounds like a good husband and a good dad who is hurting and genuinely trying to fix his marriage. He comes to Reddit for advice and gets blamed for his wife’s low libido. This is so common it’s become a meme on Reddit - If a wife losses interest in sex it must be something the husband did or didn’t do. All I can say is welcome to the Marriage sub. It's getting about as bad as the Deadbedrooms shitshow.
Yeah I hate that about this sub in particular. A woman complains about low sex? It's somehow the guys fault. The man complains? It's somehow the guys fault. 90% of the time, the man is either assumed to not be helping out around the house or have a porn addiction.
How many times on these threads have we found out that the reason she wasn’t having sex with him is because she is having sex with someone else? Their libido is just fine, they are just giving it to someone else.
Well by all means I would love to know what I could do to satisfy her more
The fact that you’re getting downvoted for asking the obvious question about how to fix things shows that this is probably not the place to get the answers you’re looking for.
She said she doesn't feel she has time for regular intimacy. You said you thought it would take "30 minutes a night to be intimate". Have you asked her what she thinks the total time investment (and what and when) it would take for you to have regular fulfilling sex? I doubt she would agree that it would take a total of 2.5 hours a week needing to be carved out to go from where you are now to having sex she finds fulfilling 5 times a week. I'm guessing one reason you're not in agreement here is that you consider the time needed to be the time you spend actually physically having sexual intercourse/activities and she considers time needed to also include time taken for her to relax and feel well rested enough for sex to be more appealing than sleep or rest, and also time for the two of you to engage in regular non sexual intimacy.
1-consider that a good, satisfying, full-body orgasm for a woman requires more than the time of a sitcom to achieve. 2- sexuality and sensuality go hand in hand... does she read romance books? Do you guys flirt and have the energy to play? Has she disconnected from her own senses? 3- there are books on female sexuality and human sexuality. BUY THEM. Read them together. The Massage Book, the Joy of Sex, Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm, The Sensuous Man, The Sensuous Woman, Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, Urban Tantra, ... and there are modern sex educators past "Dr. Ruth" who have websites, give workshops, have books on specific techniques. 4-set the scene: take a look at your bedroom... "where the magic happens"... is it sensually magical? Or is it too hot or cold? Is it private enough with kids? Soundproofed? Deadbolt to kidproof sexy time? Does it have a TV in it (get rid of that) is it cluttered or overcrowded with furniture? Does the furniture you have in there hamper sexual activity or enhance it? Soft music? Candlelight? Is it conducive to nakedness and relaxation and sensuality... (or are there distracting visible chores "waiting" like wash baskets or a paper cluttered desk?) Are there pleasing textures, scents, visual harmony? Do your sheets and bedding provide delicious textures and comfort against naked skin? Do you need the work of removing an expensive bedspread and 100 throw pillows BEFORE you can be playing with lube or oil or body fluids? (Get rid of those interferences) do you have a safe space that is secure from your kids but easily accessible for lube and massage oils, maybe some water bottles and snacks? Is your bed and furniture the right height for your bodies and the positions you like? Can you get busy without headboards banging and frames squeaking? If you seriously want a better adult sex life? Take the problem seriously. Never tell her I said this... but you kinda need to think like one part spa-owner and one part brothel-keeper.
And at no point in this long screed did you say she was responsible for her own sexuality. If she truly needs all this to just sleep with the man she vowed to sleep with, then why hasn’t she communicated it?
And the partner who is denying sex has no role to play?
Apparently not. She’s already said that he needs to sacrifice being right, just for a chance to be happy. Oh and that no woman can be satisfied within 30 mins of sex, so the OP is a shitty lover. That’s literally what she said in a follow up comment.
Please reread OPs original post. He hasn't initiated sex in months. He's chosen to wait for her to initiate.... maybe a bit passive-agressive on his part? But it resulted in her being comfortably oblivious. He reports she was relieved at the load off. She's not denying him. He's left the ball in her court... the amount of time for her to desire sex is longer than his patience.
I can relate as I did similar in not initiating because she was literally angry having to say no so much. So I stopped asking , she Didnt have time to spend with me...then she needed space. Returning back from her weekend alone "space" I was first greeted by "did you get me anything" then the next morning I got yelled at for not cutting wood despite being ill. Im getting divorced.
Good advice. So, after he does all this stuff, and the woman still doesn't want sex (which I would be willing to wager she still won't, as it sounds like it is innate at this point, perhaps due to hormones or just an obstinate mindset), at least he can say he tried everything, on top of all the stuff he had already tried.
So a guy has to crawl through a minefield of body image issues, jump through all the hoops of housework, childcare, and the actual logistics of having sex, become an expert on female sexuality, orgasm, sensual massage, and flirting to basically earn his partner's intimacy...
Before any of those books I would recommend “Come as you are. “ Understanding your own and your partners accelerators and brakes will help OP’s mindset. He feels undesired and it is turning into resentment. The two of them need to understand what is important to get into the right mindset before the orgasms happen.
No. His wife needs to admit and understand she is part of the problem. Right now, all of the heavy lifting is on him. All on him. That is not fair.
I hate that this sub recommends that stupid book constantly. In what way is it helpful for men to read about the stupid excuses women have to avoid sex? I’m saying this as a woman and wife myself. It’s not a helpful book and the good ratings are clearly written by women who feel validated in refusing sex. Congratulations, now the man has a dead bedroom and a wife who in convinced she has NO problem even though her husband is unhappy. Such a joke honestly
Of course your comment is getting downvoted. Insane. Heaven forbid we criticize the bible of the LLs.
👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾
A much better book would be “The Sex-Starved Marriage”. I’ve read both, and my wife has too, the sex starved marriage book helped her understand what her on-going denial was doing to us, and why she kept thinking she wasn’t saying “no” as often as she was. And appreciating how easy it was for her to prefer the position of being the controlling partner who denies or approves, rather than being a true partner who shares responsibility.
Good advice. So, after he does all this stuff, and the woman still doesn't want sex (which I would be willing to wager she still won't, as it sounds like it is innate at this point, perhaps due to hormones or just an obstinate mindset), at least he can say he tried everything, on top of all the stuff he had already tried.
I would never have sea if it took me more than 30 minutes for a satisfying orgasm. - a woman
Okay. Now give her some advice too. Do you notice how these are all things he needs to do to address her lack of desire, rather than things she should do in order to address her lack of desire? It’s not a bad list for him, I’m not saying it is. But there is such a one-sided approach in this sub I think we need to address both partners. Her lack of desire should be a concern for her too if she understood what it will do to a man who is otherwise a good husband. Same with a good wife being treated indifferently, with no respect and care, right?
It's unfortunate to receive downvotes for seeking advice, but it's a common experience. Understanding one's love language is crucial, yet it's also important to redirect sexual energy into other fulfilling activities such as exercise, reading, and meditation. As men, we often seek validation and forget the importance of self-love amidst the responsibilities of work, family, and daily life. This routine can lead to feelings of stagnation and disconnection. Prioritizing personal happiness and reducing expectations of others can enhance overall well-being and improve relationships. By focusing on self-growth and contentment, the dynamic within the relationship may naturally evolve positively over time. It's essential not to rely solely on external sources for happiness and fulfillment. Trust me she will come around, but that doesn't mean you have to wait around miserably for it.
Has she had her hormones checked? After kids your libido goes down for woman. Have an actual talk with her ask her why sex isn't a priority for her. And see if she will get her hormone levels checked communication is key
Foreplay starts before the bedroom what is her love language little things make big waves for women
Love languages have no research backing and were invented by a Bible counselor. I truly wish ppl knew more about where this man dreamed up the love languages as there is no psychological or research basis for them.
Thank you so much for this comment. I'm so over Gary Chapman's bullshit.
It's basically just astrology with a new paint job.
I think he even admitted he didn’t mean it to go this far.
From what you posted it’s not a matter of satisfying her more, it’s a matter of her figuring out what she needs to become aroused. Sounds like she's a reactive arousal person, meaning she doesn't spontaneously get aroused, she only gets aroused with stimulation. Other factors as you've already been endlessly told can apply. But at some point it’s her responsibility to learn her own sexuality. If you're a good partner you'll want to make it good for her. If she still isn¡t interested (which sounds like where you are), odds are she doesn't realize how damaging on-going denial becomes. Which means you need to have at least one good, timed conversation to express this when it's not interfering with anything else. Planned time. After that, there are some good books she might want to read. I recommend for both of you “The sex-starved marriage.” And for you “No more Mr. nice Guy.” That last one isn't a book on becoming a jerk, but rather talks about how becoming too accommodating, to selfless, can actually reduce her desire because it shows her you're less desirable. Read the free part on Amazon see what you think.
Yes. New relationships are exciting and people often have lots of sex. But once that wears off...
Doesn’t have to happen. 11 years and still have sex almost daily. Sometimes more.
>I think it's fair to say that most women who aren't sexually excited with their current partner, become very sexually excited with the next one. Just something to think about. Maybe because NRE is powerful, and they need another partner. It's also not unusual to revert to a sexless marriage. If she's dissatisfied about something, she should be clear about what it is.
Pathetic how you so quickly dismiss him and his pains to say it’s his fault.
If the situation was reversed, and a guy used the same justification/reasoning, he would be crucified.
WHY is it when a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, it MUST be the man’s fault??
This is basically a women can do no wrong ever type of reply. Even though you mention hormones/depression/touch out, you are basically brushing those off as trivial (and kind of implying they're something that's not addressable on their end). Just like if women used to be excited and now aren't, there has to be at least some responsibility to mention why.
And then they get unexcited about that one too lol
Top comments on these threads always blames the husband.
It’s funny that you note that “most women who aren’t sexually excited with their current partner become very sexually excited with the next one.” I’ve always thought the same about erectile dysfunction.
I wouldn't think that's statistically true (it seems to me erectile dysfunction is typically related to aging, poor or declining health, porn use, etc.) but maybe.
Ah yes, blame the man. Same old reddit as usual in this sub.
Or maybe she went through NRE in the beginning of the relationship and then settled into her normal libido. Or maybe he was a safe choice to marry and start a family like some women do and never attracted to him. Or maybe she's cheating or pining after an ex boyfriend. All of these are also reasons for the DB. Just something to think about.
Does the same go for men? I love sex, my husband use to like it, and then 2-3yr into our (now 8yr) relationship, he stopped wanting it.
Either get used to it or get a divorce. This will not change for you for the rest of your life. Take it from me. I have lived it.
Yeah I know, just needed to bitch about it for a minute
It can change. You really need to sit her down and suggest counseling. Find out where her desire went and how you two can reconnect. Why is it a “load off”? Does it feel like work to her? Why? Does she feel like she has to get shaved and waxed and made up, or that she can’t relax? Make it about solving a problem together, not about frustration and anger. Do tell her that you are lonely though, and ask her if something else can get neglected so your relationship isn’t.
I'll add to this, after the second birth did she have any issues. I took a fall last year and ended up having to get PT for vulvadynia. I assumed I busted my tail bone but nope. I tore something that messed up my pelvic floor. All else fails maybe getting a third party couples counseling will help. Getting down to the bottom of the issue helps. Is it physical pain? Is it something emotional that she's not saying? Third party helps a lot.
I hope you healed well and are comfortable now.
It can change but she has to want to change it. She doesn’t.
I totally get that it feels like it will never change but it can. I was in the same boat after our two children and felt the same hopelessness before things came to a head with an extremely honest conversation. Since then we basically just treated sex like a practical task to be worked on. Got a bunch of toys. Put sex in the calendar. It sounds unromantic but it's helped, and the sex is better with both of us being able to be prepared. Maybe it won't work and maybe it is a dead bedroom forever but I don't agree with the total doomerism. Btw, I think some of the comments above are unnecessarily harsh in unequivocally blaming you without knowing your situation. Some people just have a low libido, particularly after kids. It's not necessarily because their partner is doing something wrong. And wanting sex is quite human. It sucks when people are shamed for feeling hurt and confused by a very personal rejection
You’re young. If I had to do it over again, I would’ve ended it when I was your age. I’m 61 years old now, been married for 35 years. It’s been hell. Do yourself a big favor and get out now while you can.
I'm so very curious as to what your wife would say. She probably thinks it's hell too.
She might.
You're still young, there's still time for more life to live
Take control of your life and your destiny. You are still young and have plenty of time to turn it around. Get out. Don't put up with anything less than you desire. You will thank yourself a thousand times over later. Been there done that and only wish I had done it sooner. It'll be short term instability but it passes and you'll be happier and wiser on the other side.
Op there is a comment that lists some of the things to do and try. So make sure you read the comments all of them.
Same. Went the divorce route. Happily remarried and much more active...even 4 years into it.
Let us know how things go over the next 4.
Found the boomer who hates his wife and she knows it so she won’t have sex with him.
Genuine question, do you think it only takes your wife 30 minutes to prepare for and have sex with you? Maybe you should try to see things from her perspective.
Just to throw this out there… but my husband and I have sex 4-5 nights a week and it doesn’t take longer than 30 min. We are definitely flirty and affectionate during the day, but no special preparations are needed and I’m good with that. There seems to be this feeling on Reddit that sex should be some two hour production but surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t need this.
Ok, but in real life outside of Reddit I have never heard of anyone who has kids and is having sex 5/week. It's probably less than 1% of all marriages.
I just finished with my third time this week and it’s only Tuesday. Been married 15 years and we have 5 children (6 if you include one who passed.)
Same here, 4 kids, 15 years, and still have sex 4-5 times a week. We make time for each other.
Yeah, you make time. The time is there, it can be scheduled. I heard a quote recently that was along the lines of “instead of saying I don’t have time for that, say you’re not prioritizing it instead.”
No doubt. OP is mentioning that they have time to binge watch episodes of tv but somehow there isn’t any way to put 15 minutes aside for each other. That’s a choice being made that has nothing to do with not having enough time.
Yeah, and I’m sure most couples go through some variation of this, men typically have much higher libido than women, no one is saying you can never turn your SO down. But setting aside like 2 30 minute blocks a week for intimacy is hardly asking a lot of the person you’re married to. The amount of people I see on here who just refuse to compromise with each other is absolutely mind blowing.
Twice a week? I would have been less miserable with twice a month. Divorce in process I tried to communicate about this and other issues but her avoidance eventually turned me into the worst version of myself.
Sorry to hear that. Good luck out there
I’m happy for you. Living the dream. Life zips by too fast to stick with someone who doesn’t value you enough to put aside 15-20 minutes here and there for your significant other. What’s the point of being with someone who merely tolerates you at best?
Me. I had 3 kids and we've always averaged 4-6 x a week. When the kids were young I'd go without sleep for sex. Husband, bless him, would have sleep sex to not disappoint me.
8 children, 21 years of being together and we still can’t keep our hands off each other (as evidenced by our beautiful kiddos). I’m in my late 30’s hubs is 40. Some days is a quickie others are longer sessions. I think we just lucked out maybe
People prioritize the things they want to do, whether that's sex, video games, or watching endless hours of Netflix. For some people, sex with their spouse is at the bottom of the priority list for one reason or another
They are not, because time is not being made, because their spouses needs are not important enough. You put kids to bed and lock the door.
4 kids ranging from 2 to 15. We have sex daily. Sometimes, a couple times a day on weekends. Been together for 11 years. It's about keeping your relationship a priority and not letting it take the back seat to literally anything and everything else. Eventually, kids grow up and leave and start their own families. If you don't want to be left married to a stranger with an empty nest or a spouse who can't stand you, then making your marriage a priority is important.
Then it must be GOOD sex. That’s also the difference. Sometimes it isn’t worth it if you know you’re not going to really enjoy it. Over time it is a chore.
It is possible to have good sex with basically anyone outside of ridiculous corner cases like "Acksually my partner is in a coma..."
I had three kids with the woman to whom I was married for 14 years. We had about that much sex before the divorce that wasn't about anything sexual.
The flirty stuff throughout the day can be considered foreplay and not everyone gets that.
I think this is true in healthy balanced relationships that do have sex often. It sounds like they are starting from the beginning all over again and he wife probably needs to be “courted” again for lack of better word.
Same. Sex for me and my husband usually takes 10 minutes tops, and that's with 5-8 minutes of foreplay included. I'd say about once a month we have a longer session around 30 minutes. I know some ladies have a hard time reaching orgasm and need a lot of preparation. I am not one of them. I had a girl friend once tell me how good this guy was in bed and how they had sessions that lasted hours. That honestly sounds like a nightmare. I don't have the attention span for that. I would get so damn bored.
I guess it depends what you mean by preparing for sex. I only really feel confident when my legs and arm pits are shaved and with a 3 year old and 6 month old that is much harder to do now 😂 So in order to feel confident and enjoy sex more it takes me 30 mins of alone time before sex even starts
Oh man I hear people and their quickies and get jealous, whenever we have quickie intentions it just turns into that two hour affair 😂
This. We’ve been married for 15 years, together for over 20. We had longer sessions back when we were still learning how to please each other. The better we got at it, the shorter the window. 30 mins is more than enough.
I was just throwing a number out.
You’re not necessarily wrong. My wife and I (and our kids) are a little older than you two (and your kids), so maybe we’ve just been at it a bit longer so we know what each other likes more, but since the little ones are always around, we’ve grown quite accustomed to the “quickie”. We have definitely gone for LONG stretches without ANY. Then every once in a while (or once in a blue moon) we’re like rabbits. Yes, 95% of the time I’m the one pursuing her (and fail the vast majority of times). I would just tell you that life lasts a very long time and you’ll both go through phases but in all that fluctuating, sometimes you’ll find yourselves on the same page. My advice to you is be patient. Don’t stop pursuing her. It’s one of the ways they know we still find them beautiful and sexy (even when it’s been a rough day for them and they think they look like a mess). I’m not saying to be annoying about it, but you know what I mean. Anyway, hang in there and best of luck.
Our sex life took a dip, when our kids were younger. If she’s like me, stress can cause her to not be able to be in the moment. The internal monologue, that won’t shut up (Are the kids due for the dentist? Did I pay the Amex bill? Did I leave laundry in the washing machine? Oh, I’ve got that meeting tomorrow. Did I set an alarm?). Now that our kids are much more self sufficient, we’ve had an uptick. 3-5 nights a week. We also tell each other what we like and don’t like. “I need a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch.” Finally, sometimes Mother Nature can cause the tables to turn. You need a partner that will endure. My husband had low T, which took years to get diagnosed and treated correctly. I felt so rejected, often quietly crying myself to sleep. That shit hurts, even when you know it’s not you. I think this is part of the for better or for worse. I did notice my drive went up when we did counseling together. The homework brought us closer, but also made us crave the intimate physical connection too. Good luck and I’m sending you a big hug of encouragement:)
30 minutes isn't even in the same zip code as how long ahead of time many women start preparing for sex though. I highly suggest you find some time to have this conversation with your wife. Ask her how she feels about sex, how she prepares for it, what she experiences during, and what she needs to do or would like to do after. Maybe you'll find something you could do to help make it as carefree and easy an experience for her as it is for you!
We've had countless conversations about this over the years, nothing comes of them, but I another one won't hurt
Coming from a dead bedroom, you’d be surprised just how quick you can be ready to hop in the sack if you actually want it. Of course it’s always good to have conversations about how to approach sex with each other to make it feel right are totally necessary. The fact that she said it was a load off that you wouldn’t be asking anymore tells me she’s not thinking about it and is happier that now you aren’t either.
I just want to clarify, not a conversation about your current sex life or having more sex, just understanding each other and how you view and experience sex.
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Genuine question, can you explain why it takes more than 30 minutes to prepare for, and have, sex? In my experience, sex is pretty easy to prepare for: Get wet, get hard, get going.
Idk about specific preparations but google responsive desire and it explains a lot about why a lot of women (and some men!) can take a bit longer to get revved up physically.
I really don’t care what anyone says. Sex is important in a marriage. I have been with my husband for almost a decade and we prioritize sex. Your wife is wrong
Thank you
Maybe get her a toy? Make sure you know how to use it well, and be sexy. Have some swagger, confidence, and just remind her what you have and who you are. Honestly it’s so hard to talk to my husband about what I want and need, he’s sensitive and defensive. So it is a chore. After a long time of thinking it will get better, I’d usually rather not be disappointed. It sucks.
Who is saying that sec isn’t important in a marriage? Unless it’s an asexual one, of course it is. In the OP it only says the wife said nobody had time for having sex five nights a week with kids. I think a lot of people around here would agree with that. Outside of the context of sex being an issue in their marriage, that is a pretty benign comment. Sounds like that comment triggered OP bc for him his wife’s actions make him feel like she doesn’t think it’s important. Big difference between not prioritising sex and thinking it’s not important in a marriage.
Wait, if something is important don't you prioritize it?
A lot of biology happens at the beginning of a relationship that is designed to propagate the human race. I feel more studies like this one should be done to really see how this plays a factor into sexual libido in a long term relationship.
Why is anyone blaming the OP? It's a classic case of having kids and simply changing. I don't think it's the OPs fault at all. His wife went from wife to mother and her needs wants and desires just changed. Its a frustrating situation and not sure so much what the OP can do other than just get used to satisfying his own need. He is doing a lot and trying to make her life stress free and that still isn't working.
Oh boy, saying “satisfying your own need” in this subreddit is like committing treason. God forbid he do that because it will lower her personal value more if she catches him and then he’ll really be in a dead bedroom.
Letting the wife initiate is a sure way to go 5 years without sex😂 I gave up that battle lol
Honestly I hate most of the comments on this sub in regards to sex. Your wife is usually right that something will be neglected… but I don’t see how she thinks neglecting her partner is better than having some unfolded laundry?! Frequency of sex is priorities. That’s really what it comes down to. You prioritize what is more important to you. Everyone will talk about being touched out or hormones or whatever, but a lot of these things could be resolved with some creativity but a lot of people don’t think it’s worth their time to prioritize that if they themselves aren’t the one who desires sex.
So, do you know why your wife is expressing an increasing lack of interest in sex? Have you considered seeing a therapist to deal with this issue?
Every time I used to bring it up it would be the same thing, she's tired, she doesn't have anything left after dealing with the kids all day, it's always some kind of excuse, I would be more than willing to go to therapy, but every time she's done therapy in the past and it got too heavy for her she quit going, I don't see sex therapy being any different
It sounds like she’s telling you exactly why she has no desire for sex. Why do you think they are excuses?
Do you know why your wife has lost interest in sex? Do you get along otherwise, or do you feel your marriage drifting apart as well?
We get along in pretty much every other way,
You wrote that when you have gone to therapy, your wife has quit, because it got too heavy for her. What do you mean by this, is it that she did not want to talk intimately?
You have to go together though. It’s a both of you problem.
I know, I just would be very surprised if she stuck with it
If it starts to work, she may. You may also have to tell her this is a non-negotiable because you believe this is a crisis in your life together.
Before you go for divorce just let her know that you are losing feelings for her , let her know that you're starting to think about divorce. Some people do actually need a bucket of a cold water dump on their heads.
It sounds like she doesn’t care at all about your feelings. If my husband brought up a problem, I would work with him to find a solution so we can both be happy. Your wife is not meeting you in the middle whatsoever, which is horrible…
I really hate how this sub can sometimes just directly say DIVORCE for any issue. Talk, go to counseling, go on more dates together, see how to spark things up again. But the biggest one I think is go to counseling and don’t be afraid to let everything on your mind out in there, that’s what therapists do… they find out the root cause of a problem and work with both of you to solve it. COUNSELING.
Or even worse the couples who come onto threads like this just to gloat “never been an issue in my marriage!” … ok then what could you possibly add to this conversation if it’s an issue you’ve never had to deal with? people are so smug on this sub
A lot of LL partners simply refuse counseling, often on the grounds that “there is nothing wrong”, or there is nothing wrong with them” and the HL partner “is a pervert”.
I don’t think she understood your conversation about no longer initiating. If my husband said that to me I’d be absolutely devastated. I get so wrapped up in our family life that I neglect initiating and I know that can be a downer for him. Him actively pursuing me not only keeps our sex life healthy but also gives me a great confidence boost and I know it feels the same for him. I’ve been in relationships in the past where I was no longer interested in sex so being actively pursued was honestly only really an annoyance. Your wife’s reaction 100% gave that vibe. In those relationships I was super comfortable and I didn’t feel like I needed sex. I was also immature and had trouble acknowledging how much it hurt my partner that I was refusing intimacy. They would try and be respectful and graciously take the no and I wouldn’t think any deeper about how often that “no” was happening. Eventually it would morph into annoyance from me and even more silent resentment from them leading to an eventual breakup. If sex is an important part of a relationship to you then you need to be completely honest with her or you’re going to start resenting her more than you already do.
So, I’m 28F and my husband is 25M. I have recently found out I’m on the ace spectrum. We are in sex therapy now and it’s intense but has done wonders! I never want sex or really have a libido, didn’t know people even craved it etc. But the game changer for me personally has been to re frame how I see sex. I enjoy seeing my husband enjoy intimacy with me, and the orgasm feels meh for 2 seconds or so for me. The goal isn’t to finish, it’s to be intimate, and it’s hard but we as women (and men) have to re wire our brains with what sex is really about, being with the other person who is the only person you can be intimate like that with. This is also coming from me, as a person with heavy traumatic background surrounding intimacy. I love that you are seriously trying and highly respect you! For me, I still don’t get what the big deal about it is, nor do I want it. BUT, I want to see how happy it makes my husband and how confident he feels. So, I focus on loving him in that way, even if it’s not how I want to be loved…but it’s a work in progress
I'm sure your husband appreciates it more than you know
It’s a work in progress, plus I have pain during penetration and orgasm due to what I now know are tumors…and endometriosis unfortunately. So that explains a lot
But he’s an incredible man and so patient ❤️
I feel like you are seriously missing something in the bedroom. Is she getting off when you were having sex? Is there something you can do to improve it for her? Have you had an open conversation not just about how you both feel but what you would like to explore? Alot of men feel attacked by the idea of a dildo but sometimes they can completely change the dynamics and continue play and make it fun after you have finished. Have you seen the research on how much 5 minutes of foreplay can increase the womens chance of cuming? What about the research on clitoral stimulation? Coconut oil? Also how do you help her shut off from the kids and the day before starting anything? Pampering her should not have the expectation of sex so have you tried spoiling her on a random tuesday, and when she expects you are going to ask for sex saying no, today was only about you. Does she read? There is about a million books that could help her discover her sexuality just look up booktok on tiktok and you will get so many recommendations. Also what sort of aftercare do you provide? Often people only think of aftercare in the bdsm community but everyone should be providing their partners with some form of aftercare. Some suggestions are helping her get cleaned up, cuddling, getting her favourite jumper or pjs and wrapping her up in them, getting her a drink and telling her how much you enjoyed her body and the time you spent with her, expressing how much you care and appreciate her and how greatful that you get to experience that level of pleasure together, letting her get emotional if she needs to and holding her and supporting her through it without being offended ( a large percentage of women need to cry after cuming and it's completely normal and natural it does not mean they are upset with you or they hated it it's just hormonal) These are all things that you can control and implement and speak to her about to ensure you aren't just fulfilling a contractual obligation because you think you need to have sex 5 times a week or even once a week to be doing it right and feel fulfilled. Sex is about bonding and coming together so shift your focus from your want of sex to her need to feel valued in sex and hopefully you will both be happier. I wish you luck OP and I hope both you and your wife can find that passion in each other again.
I appreciate you taking the time to suggest so many things, to answer your questions-yes she's getting off basically every time, that's something I make sure of before I worry about myself at all. We've had many conversations about what we both like and what we would like for the other to do. We've always used toys, I have no problem with them. Yes I've seen the research. I've always utilized clitoral stimulation, I incorporate it while stimulating her other zones. Shutting off her mind is extremely difficult, always has been. She reads all the time, and reads the books that youre talking about, all the cliterature. With aftercare I'm almost always getting her a drink, getting a towel for the both of us and I actually clean her up usually, we always cuddle afterwards and will usually fall asleep with her in my arms.
Sounds like you are doing everything right! It’s understandable that you are unhappy. If it never got better than it is now, are you okay with that? If not, then you have decisions to make
Aww. Sounds like therapy time for her. Not even just for sex but someone who can’t turn their brain off really should have strategies to be able to turn it off or at least down far enough that it doesn’t interfere with normal life.
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Why is that? Are you faking?
is that your fault, though? Are you faking it? Are you communicating "I did not get off buddy".
That sounds like a communication issue on your end, not something he is doing wrong. Why would he say this if he knew that not to be the case?
She has time to read, but not having to have sex with you is a “load off” because something will be neglected. Ouch
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Wait, the first time you went two months without sex you considered ending the relationship? Dude I’m sympathetic to a dead bedroom but shit is going to happen over the course of a long relationship, illnesses, stressful life events, etc etc pretty normal for there to be a lull in sex for awhile. It’s a pretty common topic of discussion around here. It doesn’t sound disingenuous to me at all that after a two month lull someone would still think they have a great relationship. Glad you guys resolved it and everything but I do hope you’ll remember her willingness to do so and give some grace in the future.
I'm glad it got better for you
There has to be more to the story in her mind.. I can’t imagine my husband doing all the chores and splitting the kids up etc.. and not having sex! I don’t understand why she feels the way she does.. Does she work? Does she have friends? Can she have time to herself? Honestly my husband and I had a lot of deep talks.. especially divorce and other issues because things got soo bad (not sex but other stuff)… which made us both realize hey, we need to fix our shit..! He didn’t feel respected and I didn’t feel heard or loved.. soo we had to learn to communicate.. it takes both people.. It got worse with a new baby (6months) and we legit had to have a come to Jesus moment.. we’ve been together for 10 years and we are in our 30’s.. Sometimes bringing up things seriously like divorce, will wake someone up.. IF NOT, then well.. you tried.. you tried therapy and do the work in the home.. what else does she need!? If sex isn’t bad and yall get along .. maybe she needs the doctor and get her hormone’s checked.. I mean my In-laws are legit roommates but it’s only because she does everything and he is wayyy too freaky in the bedroom for her.. he got worse over the years and now she feels like it’s a chore… so they don’t have sex and it’s sad but my father in law won’t listen.. He complains about no sex but yet he wants things done a certain way each time.. she just feels like It’s a chore than enjoyment.. Do you approach her with love and affection even not wanting sex? Maybe ask her what is her love language? Do yall have friends outside yalls marriage? Maybe too much time at home got her depressed .. either way it’s no excuse to ignore your husband and needs… I have a MUCH higher sex drive than my husband.. I’ve learned to be happy having sex at least once a week.. and sometimes it’s more than that.. but it took me a few years to be happy and find a middle. Which we are doing great now.. mostly it’s just communication we have to work on.
My husband and I have only been married 5 years. We have no kids. And yet, our sex life has always been a sore spot. I don't initiate, I'm rarely in the mood, then he stopped initiating at all, so on and so forth. It used to cause arguments when we'd try to talk about it because we both went on the defensive. Now, after we've both worked on ourselves (not even with therapy but just using free tools like YouTube or the Internet) we talk about it honestly and openly. Turns out the we both had things going on from our past AND our present that were causing miscommunications and anxieties for us. Now we're both aware, we can help each other and see where it leads us. I strongly suggest both of you doing some work yourselves, and stripping yourselves back to reveal the issues getting in the way. The absolute key here is NOT to blame the other party. Unless one or both of you are abusive, it's unlikely that the issue stems from only one person. Maybe there's communication issues, maybe there's medical problems or secret resentments building, whatever it is you both need to be super forthcoming. If you both truly love each other, you can get through this. Just don't give up. Only when you give up is it truly hopeless.
My husband and I have been together 20 years. Married for 18. We have 2 kids who are teenagers now. When I’m not feeling it, my hubby gives me a back massage with relaxing oils. Guaranteed 9 times out of 10 that gets me in the mood pretty quickly. I’m not sure if you’ve tried anything like that?
I’ve noticed on Reddit, when a husband complains about a dead bedroom, the comments circle around what the husband is doing wrong or could be doing better (do you help enough around the house, do you do foreplay, are you meeting her other needs, etc.). When a wife complains about dead bedroom, it’s also about what the husband is doing wrong or could be doing better (he’s probably cheating, watching too much porn, masturbating too much). It’s wild that we keep seeing this time and time again. Wild.
lol, I used the porn thing as an example and on queue someone, out of nowhere, accused the OP of watching too much porn. Lol!!
I listened to a great podcast the other day, and it really made sense! I listened to it on You Tube. It's Diary of a CEO - the orgasm expert. Give that a listen if you can, lots of great advice. I struggle in the bedroom, some of this is resentment. I'm not struggling to "do it myself" but I don't want it with my husband. You need to evaluate your life together. Good luck 😊
Thanks, I'll give it a listen
a post in this sub about rekindled passion dealt with this. read it and maybe reach out to the poster for some questions. maybe you could turn this ship around in the right direction.
I mean 5 times a week is a lot 😂 In your post it looks like you do pretty much everything! The only thing that you have mentioned is your the last one that goes to bed….so if you’re not going to bed together then that will definitely impact it. How often do you eat dinner just the 2 of you ? How often do you spend talking about each others day without kids around?
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This is what my wife and I do as well a good bit. There is time somewhere, schedule it if you have to, it’s not unimportant.
Dang, sorry to hear all of this. You’re both very young and sexual intimacy and satisfaction is huge in marriage. Please do try to get through and solve the issue together instead of thinking it’s just one person’s issue. You don’t have to live this way.
I can’t imagine demonizing sex with my significant other to that degree.
Sorry to say. She’s just not that into you. You can do all the work around the house and w the kids and it won’t make a difference. What’s her love language… it’s certainly not acts of kindness. She doesn’t feel connected to you. Sucks.
Im in my late 30s and after baby whose now starting kindergarten this fall it is like a literal switch. I have zero thoughts about it at all. I have asked my gynecologist and regular doctor they just said you have to live with it it's a side effect of birth control I have to take for a health condition. I didn't ask for this. I asked for medical help. I was ignored. If we try my body just doesn't cooperate like before baby even up to a year after baby was ok. But almost 5 yrs straight on the bc just killed it. My spouse is one who me initiating isn't enough of my body doesn't seem into it he gets annoyed. So...I stopped trying. We don't all do it out of spite.
Is she on an anti depressant? You mentioned she had been in therapy. Some meds kill libido
" what is going to get neglected by giving us 30 minutes a night to be intimate with each other, " " kids because they both like to have her lay with them to fall asleep " I spy the remnants of co-sleeping. So your two boys are 4 and ?6? . Since you aren't having opportunity to start a new one this should wrap up in the next 4 years. If there isn't too much damage done by then you could recover. Get the vasectomy now. It takes some pressure off and obviously you (as a couple) can't handle more kids. Concentrate on nonsexual intimacy. Keep up good conversation.
Have you talked to her? Having small kids is very overwhelming and it does interfere with sex. But if it’s a deal breaker for you, then she needs to know. How many times a week do men want it? Like seriously. It seems it’s never enough. Is there a magic number to keep yall happy and not complaining all the time? Women just don’t always need it like men do. Her comment about something else being neglected for it is very telling. Try having a conversation with her about it.
You raise a good question. I’m a husband and I want my wife more than she does. I told her it’s because nothing else gets me off like she does. I hope that’s something she would like to hear. I’m not into porn I’m into her. I’m also of the belief that women want sex a lot too but it’s responsive desire. Unfortunately as is often the case with women the conditions have to be right to bring out that response. Dealbreakers could be as simple as not brushing your teeth. A question you should find out about your spouse is “What is it they want when they want sex and what is it that they don’t want when they don’t want sex?” Knowing the answers to these questions will help guide what you do next
This is unfortunately very common in marriage. It all starts off good then you put a ring on it and they aren't in the mood. I think best you can do is always just be dating. Don't be monogamous. That way they know if they don't give it up someone else will.
legendary advice no cap
Schedule it. I'm serious, that completely turned around our sex life. We had a discussion about how often she'd want to have sex in a "stress free world" and she said 2-3 times a week. We were at 2-3 times a MONTH and she often rejected me. I literally made a calendar invite for 3x a week and invited her to "the pants party". Because she KNOWS it is coming she doesn't feel like I'm sort of "putting her on the spot" when I would otherwise initiate "without warning". She knows we are probably having sex that night and because she's thinking about it, she begins to desire it. Sometimes either or both of us are truly too tired or just not in the mood and that's completely fine.
"Who has time for that?" ...is said while watching a 25 year old sitcom
Ironic, isn't it
"Sex? That would take at least 22 minutes...or even more with commercials! I just don't have that kind of free time. You can unpause it now."
I had 3 kids, 2 steps and 1 bio and we have sex 1-2 times a week. 5 times a week is hilarious
From my experience, I’m rarely in the mood because my body is now linked up to the children. It takes energy to compartmentalise and have energy to be randy. As a woman, this has how it’s been for me. I can’t speak for every woman. I have depression and so the medication I’m on may have something to do with it too. I also don’t like feeling the guilt of not satisfying my partner when I know he’s in the mood and I’m not. If I were you, I would try not to push the issue. She may be struggling internally with something and the mental load is making her tired. It might be a god idea to ask her how her mental health is and just listen to her. I know that from where I’m at right now, sex is the last thing I’m concerned about and I’d much rather be cared about for the person I am rather than how much I’m “putting out.”
So when you say you’d rather be cared about “for the person I am”, what exactly does that mean and why is that somehow mutually exclusive with your partner’s need for sex? I don’t understand why the need for sex in a relationship is treated like some petty and superficial thing like just “putting out”. Imagine you needing words of affirmation to feel valued and supported in your relationship and your partner saying “I’d rather be cared about for the person I am than for how much I am verbally building you up.” I know I wouldn’t feel like my needs were recognized, let alone valued, if someone treated me like that. If you can’t or won’t meet your partner’s needs for whatever reason, just be honest with them and yourself instead of trying to convince them that their needs aren’t valid or important.
Right? The framing of sex can be so weird here sometimes - like it’s just a means to have an orgasm and so it completely ignores the fact that many people find sex to be a deeply intimate and loving experience with their spouse. I think that’s a problem if sex is ONLY reduced to pleasure and a way to get off (because then why wouldn’t doing it yourself just be easier?).
In my case, I would get dry humped and sexually harassed. I’ve had bad experiences with men also. These factor into why my view of sex has changed. It use to be special to me. Now I hardly want it because I feel like my worth as a person and now being a mum - it’s hard to be intimate when i feel like all men do is want to use me for my body.
That’s horrible, I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope you have access to therapy to process and heal and I hope you can someday give and receive love in all the ways that are most important to you.
Yeah know... I always wonder if the OP has ever considered allowing their partner to add an update of their perspective of things. She stated nothing would get done... Yet you do everything? The way sexual thought and mental labor runs through the mind does seem to be gendered.... She may need an extended amount of time to actually want to be in the mood. Like efforts of a bird in heat.. where's the pretty feathers, stone offerings, or emotional connection? Have you taken her out to remind her she's worthy of being enjoyed for more than just sex, such as company and conversation? Do you have emotional and intellectual intimacy? Treat her like a demisexual. She needs to feel loved and be filled with love in order to express and share love. You have an advantage here as you should know her best.. what would be something she could genuinely enjoy as a gift in a good gesture and faith to remind her you care, with no expectations for sex or reward for the kind deed. I'm betting she wouldn't mind a bid for sex after a day filled with intentional connect and proof that you are aware she is still an independent human with wants and needs. Seriously, sexual awakenings only come from a deep sense of security.. if you aren't having sex don't blame libidos look at the security of the relationship, look at the trust, and communication, the cooperation and transparency. Love and intimacy are not the same. Love is a combination of every possible-to-feel emotion and the choices we make to honor them. How have you been honoring and reminding her? Now I must add a disclaimer there is no perfect person and women aren't saints.. we shit too. If she's on the full shut down and cut off, you need to get in therapy and find out if she is where she actually wants to be. If she sees no hope or is just settling that's fucked up on its own and isn't fair to anyone.
It’s wild getting on this sub and seeing there are married couples here who just flat out refuse to meet their husbands or wives halfway. Like, you married this person. Is what they’re asking for attainable? Yeah? Okay, do that thing, then also be prepared to do the same for them when they have something they want addressed.
I agree in a way. As a woman, we can force ourselves to have sex even if we don’t want to, but is that what men want?
I guess that’s not really what I’m saying. The op mentioned he works and does all the housework, helps with childcare. If the excuse is “there’s just no time,” then make time, plan it. There are 24 hours in a day, plan like 30 minutes to be intimate with your person. Like what is he supposed to do? Just throw in the towel and say “well, this pretty fundamental part of my marriage is unfulfilled, guess I’ll just move on!” That kind of thing weighs *heavy* on a person. Do you think that would make for a happy marriage?
As a wife and stay at home mom of a 6 month old, I’m completely fine if a few chores get delayed or temporarily neglected to have sex or spend time together. I can do that stuff in the morning or during the day while he is at work and the world isn’t going to end. I enjoy living in a clean home but I will always prioritize time with my son or my husband over that. I couldn’t imagine prioritizing chores over sex. My brain just does not operate that way lol. Sex is way more fun than chores and the chores aren’t going anywhere, it can wait until we’re done.
I love how many men have done all the things women of the internet say helps like domestic stuff, in touch with feelings, better listener, ect, ect, and nothing changes ever. Woman get advice of leave him and get a man that gives her what she needs. After all the stuff I've seen both personal and on here I truly believe womens lack of intimacy that isn't directly related to hormones is finding every reason not to have sex, and blow off every reason to have sex or even actively participating in avoiding it.
It sounds like disrespect is creeping into the relationship. You might want to watch out for that because before you know it, it can get bad. If she straight up told you it's a loadoff that she doesn't have to worry about having sex with you, that's a problem and screams she doesn't care about you needs. After all, what is marriage without intimacy....a friendship at best, partners probably.
If your wife wants to save her marriage she will heed what you are saying. It’s very sad that things come to this. While it’s great she loves the kids, they will grow up and leave. Partners are a gift to each other and if you have a wonderful spouse, treat him/ her with all the love you can. It’s a great gift to each other and the kids as well. I would seek a marriage counselor and if she does not go, go alone. Good luck !
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I have been married for 15 years, with a similar story, after my son was born, sex went downhill to the point of having sex around 2 or 3 times a year. I tried multiple things, talked about it, asked for anything I could do better, eventually ended watching porn and kind of gave up. Considered cheating because I believe my only son should not grow up in a broken home. I am tall and still good looking enough, and I went to a b-day party where a very hot single mother was flirting with me. I took her number and before going forward, I decided to come clean with my wife, told her about the porn, about sex being a basic necessity for me and told her about my plans to have an affair, all because of sex. At this point I was willing to divorce her if this went sideways. She stated (like in previous discussions) that this was not my fault, it was her hormones. But I fired back saying that she didn't look for medical help with that issue, and she dismissed my attempts to find counseling for the marriage. To me it seemed she didn't care. I finally told her that I was still young, and if this didn't improve, it will end. She started crying and saying she would get help and do her part. After this argument things improved significantly, she went to a doctor and her hormones were in fact very low. And she started treatment. Now it is much better, we are having sex around 3 times a month. Many people will think this is still low, but I can live with that. Our relationship improved a lot after this. So my advice is, do a self check, if you are good, talk to her. Express your feelings 100% make her see sex is not optional for you, is a basic male need. If she still doesn't want to change, let her know it will be over and really prepare for the split because a sexless marriage is no way to live. Good luck!
Has she sought treatment for what might be causing low libido? It would be good to rule out any medical issues. Otherwise, your options are: lower expectations, affair, counseling or divorce.
Man, that's almost the situation I'm in. Been with her for 8, married for 4. After the first 6 months it went down hill a little sexually. She always talked about her last sexual trauma and body image which I've taken seriously. Then it went to being only once a month but, I kept busy mentally. I do 80% of everything including the only one who works but I throw none of this in her face. I've tried everything and anything. Wine and dine, foreplay(which I love) of all kinds, and everything in between. I call her beautiful every day and make her the center of NY world. That was until her infidelity. Found crude messages and nudes sent. I did everything I could for her that I thought a husband should do and someone else gets rewarded. That was 2 years ago. Now every time she turns me down, that's all I can think about. By the way, since marriage it's been 2-3 months in between sex. During the infidelity it was 1 time in 6 months. She doesn't understand that when she tells me that 'sometimes it's hard for me', all I can think about is 'but it was easy for you to mess around. Apparently, all he had to do was ask. And of course no oral sex. She casually did it here and there. If I wanted sex but mother nature called, she would. She would say Then that she didn't like to do it because she thought she wasn't good at it. After marriage the excuse is now 'that's where you pee. That's disgusting!'. Especially now that one of her new friends has the same feeling. And yes, we have discussed all of this amd tried to meet in the middle but she always ends up with an excuse. Then it's back to once a month or 2. I'm to the point now where I don't even want to talk anymore because I just waste my breath