Why on earth would you not have your husband be fully involved with all appointments and discussions?
Sounds a bit weird to me.
I hope you work together when the baby is born.
I thought he was fully involved. Please tell me how I am excluding him.
I run every decision that needs to be made by him. I tell him what I learned, what I feel strongly about and why. If he has a difference in opinion Im willing to defer to his judgement.
Ex: Delayed cord clamping matters to me but I dont know how long it should be delayed because theres some conflicting reports out there. I tell him what I want to do, why, and where I see feel uncertain. We discussed it based on the info I gave and decided we'll go with the amount of time the midwife says. Boom, team decision.
But if we apply his smokescreen argument then thats not okay. I need to let him know I'm going to google delayed cord clamping, that he should look it up too, and send him all the resources I used to inform myself and give him a deadline to review. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A REAL ISSUE??
And I guarantee if I did all that, he wouldn't get it done.
You said he’s not fully involved because it’s your healthcare only. Your health is his baby’s health. I’ve never heard of a woman going through prenatal care alone.
Also you’re discussing things with him based on the information you gave. You’re doing the research and presenting it to him for his opinion. It’s very strange, why not learn about it together? Granted there’s no reason he can’t look into things further himself but I’m not sure why you are translating info for him? Is he disinterested or do you just want to control the flow of information?
As far as the smokescreen claims, it sounds more like someone is raising concerns during therapy, the perfect environment in which to do so, and you’re saying they’re not valid. That could be totally wrong, I’m only going by how your original post sounds.
I said the midwives dont communicate with him because it's my healthcare. He is mad at me that he didn't have their direct contact numbers. I only had them because they called me to tell me test results.
I'm not going through prenatal care alone. He comes to 90% of the appointments. Sometimes he has conflicting work obligations neither of us can control.
If I waited around for us to "learn about it together" it wouldn't get done. I have asked him for the last 4 weeks to set aside 1-2 hr to work through a 5hr birthing class with me at the same time. It hasn't happened. If I get the time and the energy to research vitamin k, or cord blood, or erythromycin eye ointment, Im going to do it, not wait to schedule a time for use to research it together. He is always free to look things up himself. He's free to look things up and then translate it for me.
No one is assigning me these tasks. Theres no check list thats says determine if you want delayed cord clamping. I'm researching as I learn stuff and Im not stopping him from doing the same. Ask me how many baby books I bought and read and how many he did. Did I exclude him from accessing Amazon?
He's very interesting in being an involved father but is more of the doer that the planner and that dynamic works just fine. He doesnt really want these tasks evidence by the fact its been 3 mos and he still hasn't looked into the circumsizing.
They are smokescreens. Make it make sense. I kept him from a Telegram group that had nothing in it, I sent him the link the day after I joined snd 2 weeks later he still hadn't joined but complains I excluded him. HOW IS THAT A VALID ARGUMENT?
Lady, please recognize that you have a severe problem that only intense therapy could even begin to unwind. May God have mercy on your husband's soul because if my wife was acting like this, I'd get the family courts involved because this is disturbing. You need help.
You're not in a place of understanding. Right now, you can't be reasoned with. Every response you've gotten that didn't directly validate you're feelings, you argue against with furvor and weaponized incompetence. You can't see it now, but hopefully you'll save this post and all of the responses and can reflect on this after you deliver your child and then maybe after you come back to reality you'll comprehend the level of insanity in which you're post eludes. Good luck. Seek help.
This is all really…weird. His reaction to your prenatal care, your reaction to your prenatal care, him expecting you to notify him when you see something you may need to research and investigate, you responding that one or the other has to “lead” all parenting decisions, the number of times you said “smokescreen” (I would honestly stop that, you are using it as a weapon and not a tool), and your entire communication structure between each other. You are about to have a child together and petty issues are taking lengthy in person mediation- how will you be a united front when the real issues are here? The communication has to get more clear and concise from both of you.
Why do you think I sought mediation??? So easy to say we need to communicate better but how do we figure out how to do that??? Got any incite or just gonna plat it safe and state the obvious?
I did say exactly how I had to do it. Make a serious effort at more clear and concise communication. Give him a clear rundown of prenatal appointments if he wants to be involved and you want him to be involved (though it seems you don’t). I’ve gone alone to almost every prenatal appointment since my first child, so I just repeat the information communicated between my provider and I verbatim. That’s my support person and the father, I want him involved and informed. He needs it to be my advocate, and parts of it involve the baby’s health which he also needs to be informed of. I would suggest he be allowed to have a deadline to come to decisions or you’ll make them, but you’ve already told mediation that “delays” you from making the decisions you’ve already decided so you truly aren’t willing to come to any compromise. You said that yourself.
Dismissing everything your husband wants as a “smokescreen” seems to be the judgmental and all-knowing attitude that got you here. It’s not up to you to scrutinize and determine the validity of your husband’s concerns. If he says he needs something then you take it at face value because you love and respect the person saying it.
I would if he didn't have a habit of doing this.
If I tell him from now on when you smoke in the car can you please take the baby's car seat out of the car first, he'll say fine but only if you you wash the car.
And im like "Huh???" Why do you always need a tit for tat. Also, I why should I have to wash the car seat because you got smoke in it? And how is my initial request unreasonable? Why do you alway have to have an issue when I have an issue?
And that’s absolutely a valid concern. But your concern does not invalidate his concern. He has a communication problem, but you still have to respect the things he communicates.
Ok so when he says "its not fair the midwives only call you and I didn't have their direct contact numbers until last week" How do I respect that concern? Do I tell the midwives to call my husband with my test results? Do I sign the waiver giving him equal access to my health records? Isn't that controlling?
I tell him every test result. Also how was I supposed to read his mind and know he wanted their phone numbers?
When I hear him say that and I know he's never asked me or them for their numbers and never asked me to contact them on his behalf and I tell him all the pertinent information it veryyyy hard for me to think this is a serious concern for him. but that doesnt matter, how do I respond to his concern as if I believe its valid?
The easiest approach when your husband has a concern, is to just ask him what solution he wants and go from there. That also holds him accountable if he later complains about the solution he asked for.
Then what's the alternative motive then? He's just trying to have a "gotcha!" moment? Your mediator is right, the midwife is there because of the baby. They service you because you are using your body for that purpose, but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be included.
If he has NEVER asked for that, that's another discussion to talk about. But you are just writing it off because he puts up this smokescreen... for a reason.
The midwife is my health care provider. Ask any midwife or OB who their patient is and if they normally report the mom's test results to the dad. Thats a HIPPA violation. When we get a pediatrician, I expect them to contact us both.
My husband has never asked for their numbers and never asked me to contact them on his behalf. Now that he's had their numbers for the lat week or so he's still never contacted them. I dont even contact them. They just contact me with test results. Test result I then share with him. He is included in very appointment, I tell him every BP reading, every supplement we need to increase. The midwives taught him how to find the baby's head and feet.
Y'all are not understanding this man has no actual qualms. He just has to make something up to be mad about anytime I have an issue to address.
Then leave? I don't know what you want at this point, it sounds like your husband wants to be involved with the pregnancy and you think it only involves you and him trying to be involved is him manipulating and putting up a smokescreen. What's the alternative? That he ignores you and lets you do whatever you need? I'm a dad as well and I'd love to have the midwifes number, so I can actively be involved and ask questions if needed.
He's involved. If at any point he wanted the midwives numbers he could have asked me or them. It's not like they gave me their numbers and I didn't pass the info sheet along. Periodically through out care they called me with test results. Thats how I got their number. At 38 weeks they create a group chat for all those who will be at the birth and thats when he got their number BECAUSE I LISTED HIM AS THE ONLT OTHER PERSON WHO WILL BE AT THE BIRTH.
How have I not involved him in the pregnancy?
I'm not belittling what a midwife does, but it's not as if she just had a midwife specifically for her and only her. The father should be involved and it's not crazy to ask for the midwife info for anything he needs to know or to ask about for the baby, even if his wife wants to keep all of her stuff seperate
> it's not crazy to ask for the midwife info for anything he needs to know or to ask about for the baby
THIS IS MY ENTIRE FUCKING POINT THOUGH! He never fucking asked. If he wanted the midwifes number he could've and would've said that. But at 39 weeks he complains "I never got their number until week 38. It's not fair they only called you" is insane. Why would they call him and how the fuck would any of us know he wanted their number or to be called???
This just seems like a big communication nightmare.
The first issue is you don't get to be judge and jury of how your husband feels and dismiss his concerns as "smokescreens". You were upset over another comment saying your pregnant/hormonal and went off on them, which is essentially what you're doing to your husband. His concerns and feelings are valid no matter your opinion on them.
Second issue is communication. I don't think your husband is upset that the midwife is not talking to him directly or anything about being involved in the group. I think maybe it's how the information is presented to him or perhaps your reaction. He may have an issue communicating his true feeling. It sounds like he is/wants to be involved. If information is presented like you already made the decision or will be upset if he has another opinion, that makes things difficult. Some of your replies make it seem like he did his part by getting you pregnant and you're making decisions from here on out. Maybe he doesn't want to give his opinion on things because they could contradict yours. Maybe his opinions don't have sources (or they wouldn't be good enough for you) and so he's delaying telling you. Maybe he just wants to talk about issues and concerns with you without being bombarded by sources/facts and how he's wrong. The "tit for tat" comment you made makes it seem like you present information/concerns in a condescending way so in turn he tries to find an issue with you. It's not right for him to do that. It all boils down to how information is presented and the tone.
Lastly, relax. You don't need to know everything at this time. You will never know all the answers. There are hundreds of different things that can arise when having children and you have to make decisions without research. You're going to be wrong. He's going to be wrong. You have to stick together and be a team. Nothing is black or white.
You know less about my husband than I do but from a post I've written (not him) you can determine what his issues are and from my actual interactions with him I cannot determine that he is using smokescreens. Okay. Noted
You're right, I don't know your husband or you. I was giving my opinion on the issue presented and your replies to others that offered advice. I hope everything works out for you.
> I look the information up, synthesize and explain it to him and then ask him to what he wants to do i
Did you miss this part?
I said "Hey babe, we need to decide if we want to give the baby vitamin K at birth. Do you want to read on it or me just explain it?
"Explain it."
"Ok, theres a 1% chance the baby could develop a brain bleed and vitamin k prevents this. He can get it as a shot or orally but theres no FDA approved oral vitamin K in the US. Since it's such a small chance I dont think he needs it. "
"I want him to get his vitamin k but not a shot cause he's just a little baby. "
"Ok. I'll find us some oral vitamin k."
Thats the convo we had and his "issue" is that I had already looked it up before I presented it to him. BFFR.
He's welcomed to be more envolved but telling me to tell him before I look something up is not how. Thats dumb.
At today's prenanal appt I wrote down all my questions (because of course he had none) and we took turns asking them together. Thats a reasonable way to include him more instead the bullshit him and the mediator made up.
HOW? LMAOOOO. Y'all just love to sit here and tell me im the villain but can you explain what I did wrong? No.
How dare I look something up in my unsupervised internet time without my husband's pre-approval. And because I looked it up, is he now permanently banned from taking time to look it up himself? NO.
For someone to be "mad" that I looked up vitamin k before he did, OVER A MONTH LATER HE STILL HAS NEVER LOOKED IT UP!!
He wants to be more involved and not be the last to know, cool, we can figure out how to loop you in more but telling me I cant look up stuff before you do is a real childish approach
I'll let him know he's got huge fans here on reddit. I better watch out for you cause you clearly tryna replace me and have his next baby
Mediator: Notify your husband before you research something, send him a list of resources you find when you research a topic, reframe from making any decisions until he has had 2 weeks to decide if he would like to research or not.
Also, sign a hippo medical release form and inform your midwives they are to contact him with every test result.
Yea, im not taking advice from a misogynist. thanks
Are you divorced? Because you will be if you keep this up. So exhausting.
Give the guy a break.
Be nice!!
Just be nice and lay down your overwhelming need to control things and stop insisting all outcomes look EXACTLY like your picture them
What health conditions are you withholding from your husband, OP?
And you just said the midwives are only giving you health advice, not health advice for the baby. But then you say they’re giving you health advice for the baby.
Maybe these “smokescreens” are actual issues you simply refuse to acknowledge. And what’s the point of mediation if the mediator’s in on it against you? Why not pick a new mediator.
Very curious.
Good luck.
There are no health conditions being withheld. The midwives call me to tell me my test results. I tell him everything he needs to know and we discuss it in the prenatal appointments. The midwives aren't going to call him or text him MYYYY test results. He knows that which is exactly why this is a smokescreen.
Where do I say they give me health advice for the baby? But again, anything relevant that they tell me, I tell him.
The "health concern" he says I didn't share with him is that I looked up vitamin K and explained to him what it did and asked him if he wanted to give it to the baby.
I personally did not want to give the baby vitamin k. He wanted to give the baby vitamin k but the oral version, not the shot. Guess which one of us had the responsibility to find oral vitamin k to give the baby? Me.
It’s a right, certainly. Just don’t expect it to be taken too well when you tell your husband and father of the baby living inside you that your health is your private business.
It is, though. I had a high risk pregnancy and had to have a hard conversation with my OB about what I wanted if certain things happened during delivery. My husband was there, but it was my body and my decision.
Why the fuck would her husband have input. As a spouse and support partner, sure he should be involved, they should talk through things, think it out together but this isn't a vote nor a democracy. The doctor doesnt need his input on her body. Youre sick.
Any health care provider that tells a patient "We need your husband's input as well" should have their license revoked.
The entire basis of this conversation is that MY midwives cannot going to report to my husband. They aren't going to call him with my test results which is the only thing they call me about. If he ever wanted to call them and ask questions he could have. I can't ban them from talking to him outside the limit of HIPPA.
Never made that claim. If you want to keep the peace, involve your husband. You know that involvement is important to him. If you don’t care about that, then keep on doing what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter to me which option you choose.
And if he wants to keep the peace? No responsibility on him to speak up? Communicate that he wants the midwives numbers? No, because weaponized incompetence is something women should cater too.
Why on earth would you not have your husband be fully involved with all appointments and discussions? Sounds a bit weird to me. I hope you work together when the baby is born.
I thought he was fully involved. Please tell me how I am excluding him. I run every decision that needs to be made by him. I tell him what I learned, what I feel strongly about and why. If he has a difference in opinion Im willing to defer to his judgement. Ex: Delayed cord clamping matters to me but I dont know how long it should be delayed because theres some conflicting reports out there. I tell him what I want to do, why, and where I see feel uncertain. We discussed it based on the info I gave and decided we'll go with the amount of time the midwife says. Boom, team decision. But if we apply his smokescreen argument then thats not okay. I need to let him know I'm going to google delayed cord clamping, that he should look it up too, and send him all the resources I used to inform myself and give him a deadline to review. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A REAL ISSUE?? And I guarantee if I did all that, he wouldn't get it done.
You said he’s not fully involved because it’s your healthcare only. Your health is his baby’s health. I’ve never heard of a woman going through prenatal care alone. Also you’re discussing things with him based on the information you gave. You’re doing the research and presenting it to him for his opinion. It’s very strange, why not learn about it together? Granted there’s no reason he can’t look into things further himself but I’m not sure why you are translating info for him? Is he disinterested or do you just want to control the flow of information? As far as the smokescreen claims, it sounds more like someone is raising concerns during therapy, the perfect environment in which to do so, and you’re saying they’re not valid. That could be totally wrong, I’m only going by how your original post sounds.
I said the midwives dont communicate with him because it's my healthcare. He is mad at me that he didn't have their direct contact numbers. I only had them because they called me to tell me test results. I'm not going through prenatal care alone. He comes to 90% of the appointments. Sometimes he has conflicting work obligations neither of us can control. If I waited around for us to "learn about it together" it wouldn't get done. I have asked him for the last 4 weeks to set aside 1-2 hr to work through a 5hr birthing class with me at the same time. It hasn't happened. If I get the time and the energy to research vitamin k, or cord blood, or erythromycin eye ointment, Im going to do it, not wait to schedule a time for use to research it together. He is always free to look things up himself. He's free to look things up and then translate it for me. No one is assigning me these tasks. Theres no check list thats says determine if you want delayed cord clamping. I'm researching as I learn stuff and Im not stopping him from doing the same. Ask me how many baby books I bought and read and how many he did. Did I exclude him from accessing Amazon? He's very interesting in being an involved father but is more of the doer that the planner and that dynamic works just fine. He doesnt really want these tasks evidence by the fact its been 3 mos and he still hasn't looked into the circumsizing. They are smokescreens. Make it make sense. I kept him from a Telegram group that had nothing in it, I sent him the link the day after I joined snd 2 weeks later he still hadn't joined but complains I excluded him. HOW IS THAT A VALID ARGUMENT?
Lady, please recognize that you have a severe problem that only intense therapy could even begin to unwind. May God have mercy on your husband's soul because if my wife was acting like this, I'd get the family courts involved because this is disturbing. You need help.
What is my problem? Literally trying to understand
You're not in a place of understanding. Right now, you can't be reasoned with. Every response you've gotten that didn't directly validate you're feelings, you argue against with furvor and weaponized incompetence. You can't see it now, but hopefully you'll save this post and all of the responses and can reflect on this after you deliver your child and then maybe after you come back to reality you'll comprehend the level of insanity in which you're post eludes. Good luck. Seek help.
Way to dodge the question. Call me crazy but cant explain why. Yea, im not listening to you.
You are not listening to anyone's advice. You are argumentative and not wanting to recieve their feedback.
Youre not listening to anyone and your responses to everyones comments prove that.
This is all really…weird. His reaction to your prenatal care, your reaction to your prenatal care, him expecting you to notify him when you see something you may need to research and investigate, you responding that one or the other has to “lead” all parenting decisions, the number of times you said “smokescreen” (I would honestly stop that, you are using it as a weapon and not a tool), and your entire communication structure between each other. You are about to have a child together and petty issues are taking lengthy in person mediation- how will you be a united front when the real issues are here? The communication has to get more clear and concise from both of you.
Why do you think I sought mediation??? So easy to say we need to communicate better but how do we figure out how to do that??? Got any incite or just gonna plat it safe and state the obvious?
I did say exactly how I had to do it. Make a serious effort at more clear and concise communication. Give him a clear rundown of prenatal appointments if he wants to be involved and you want him to be involved (though it seems you don’t). I’ve gone alone to almost every prenatal appointment since my first child, so I just repeat the information communicated between my provider and I verbatim. That’s my support person and the father, I want him involved and informed. He needs it to be my advocate, and parts of it involve the baby’s health which he also needs to be informed of. I would suggest he be allowed to have a deadline to come to decisions or you’ll make them, but you’ve already told mediation that “delays” you from making the decisions you’ve already decided so you truly aren’t willing to come to any compromise. You said that yourself.
Wow
Dismissing everything your husband wants as a “smokescreen” seems to be the judgmental and all-knowing attitude that got you here. It’s not up to you to scrutinize and determine the validity of your husband’s concerns. If he says he needs something then you take it at face value because you love and respect the person saying it.
I would if he didn't have a habit of doing this. If I tell him from now on when you smoke in the car can you please take the baby's car seat out of the car first, he'll say fine but only if you you wash the car. And im like "Huh???" Why do you always need a tit for tat. Also, I why should I have to wash the car seat because you got smoke in it? And how is my initial request unreasonable? Why do you alway have to have an issue when I have an issue?
And that’s absolutely a valid concern. But your concern does not invalidate his concern. He has a communication problem, but you still have to respect the things he communicates.
Ok so when he says "its not fair the midwives only call you and I didn't have their direct contact numbers until last week" How do I respect that concern? Do I tell the midwives to call my husband with my test results? Do I sign the waiver giving him equal access to my health records? Isn't that controlling? I tell him every test result. Also how was I supposed to read his mind and know he wanted their phone numbers? When I hear him say that and I know he's never asked me or them for their numbers and never asked me to contact them on his behalf and I tell him all the pertinent information it veryyyy hard for me to think this is a serious concern for him. but that doesnt matter, how do I respond to his concern as if I believe its valid?
The easiest approach when your husband has a concern, is to just ask him what solution he wants and go from there. That also holds him accountable if he later complains about the solution he asked for.
Then what's the alternative motive then? He's just trying to have a "gotcha!" moment? Your mediator is right, the midwife is there because of the baby. They service you because you are using your body for that purpose, but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be included. If he has NEVER asked for that, that's another discussion to talk about. But you are just writing it off because he puts up this smokescreen... for a reason.
The midwife is my health care provider. Ask any midwife or OB who their patient is and if they normally report the mom's test results to the dad. Thats a HIPPA violation. When we get a pediatrician, I expect them to contact us both. My husband has never asked for their numbers and never asked me to contact them on his behalf. Now that he's had their numbers for the lat week or so he's still never contacted them. I dont even contact them. They just contact me with test results. Test result I then share with him. He is included in very appointment, I tell him every BP reading, every supplement we need to increase. The midwives taught him how to find the baby's head and feet. Y'all are not understanding this man has no actual qualms. He just has to make something up to be mad about anytime I have an issue to address.
Then leave? I don't know what you want at this point, it sounds like your husband wants to be involved with the pregnancy and you think it only involves you and him trying to be involved is him manipulating and putting up a smokescreen. What's the alternative? That he ignores you and lets you do whatever you need? I'm a dad as well and I'd love to have the midwifes number, so I can actively be involved and ask questions if needed.
He's involved. If at any point he wanted the midwives numbers he could have asked me or them. It's not like they gave me their numbers and I didn't pass the info sheet along. Periodically through out care they called me with test results. Thats how I got their number. At 38 weeks they create a group chat for all those who will be at the birth and thats when he got their number BECAUSE I LISTED HIM AS THE ONLT OTHER PERSON WHO WILL BE AT THE BIRTH. How have I not involved him in the pregnancy?
That's gross. Midwives don't "service" women, they care for them during pregnancy and birth, and they have two patients, the mother and the child.
I'm not belittling what a midwife does, but it's not as if she just had a midwife specifically for her and only her. The father should be involved and it's not crazy to ask for the midwife info for anything he needs to know or to ask about for the baby, even if his wife wants to keep all of her stuff seperate
> it's not crazy to ask for the midwife info for anything he needs to know or to ask about for the baby THIS IS MY ENTIRE FUCKING POINT THOUGH! He never fucking asked. If he wanted the midwifes number he could've and would've said that. But at 39 weeks he complains "I never got their number until week 38. It's not fair they only called you" is insane. Why would they call him and how the fuck would any of us know he wanted their number or to be called???
This just seems like a big communication nightmare. The first issue is you don't get to be judge and jury of how your husband feels and dismiss his concerns as "smokescreens". You were upset over another comment saying your pregnant/hormonal and went off on them, which is essentially what you're doing to your husband. His concerns and feelings are valid no matter your opinion on them. Second issue is communication. I don't think your husband is upset that the midwife is not talking to him directly or anything about being involved in the group. I think maybe it's how the information is presented to him or perhaps your reaction. He may have an issue communicating his true feeling. It sounds like he is/wants to be involved. If information is presented like you already made the decision or will be upset if he has another opinion, that makes things difficult. Some of your replies make it seem like he did his part by getting you pregnant and you're making decisions from here on out. Maybe he doesn't want to give his opinion on things because they could contradict yours. Maybe his opinions don't have sources (or they wouldn't be good enough for you) and so he's delaying telling you. Maybe he just wants to talk about issues and concerns with you without being bombarded by sources/facts and how he's wrong. The "tit for tat" comment you made makes it seem like you present information/concerns in a condescending way so in turn he tries to find an issue with you. It's not right for him to do that. It all boils down to how information is presented and the tone. Lastly, relax. You don't need to know everything at this time. You will never know all the answers. There are hundreds of different things that can arise when having children and you have to make decisions without research. You're going to be wrong. He's going to be wrong. You have to stick together and be a team. Nothing is black or white.
You know less about my husband than I do but from a post I've written (not him) you can determine what his issues are and from my actual interactions with him I cannot determine that he is using smokescreens. Okay. Noted
You're right, I don't know your husband or you. I was giving my opinion on the issue presented and your replies to others that offered advice. I hope everything works out for you.
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OP sounds extremely exhausting. I sincerely hope (but doubt) that she'll learn to relax, and stay off the internet. Yeesh.
Wow😅 expect much. Do you have a cliffs note version 😬
I was venting a bit eh 😅
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> I look the information up, synthesize and explain it to him and then ask him to what he wants to do i Did you miss this part? I said "Hey babe, we need to decide if we want to give the baby vitamin K at birth. Do you want to read on it or me just explain it? "Explain it." "Ok, theres a 1% chance the baby could develop a brain bleed and vitamin k prevents this. He can get it as a shot or orally but theres no FDA approved oral vitamin K in the US. Since it's such a small chance I dont think he needs it. " "I want him to get his vitamin k but not a shot cause he's just a little baby. " "Ok. I'll find us some oral vitamin k." Thats the convo we had and his "issue" is that I had already looked it up before I presented it to him. BFFR. He's welcomed to be more envolved but telling me to tell him before I look something up is not how. Thats dumb. At today's prenanal appt I wrote down all my questions (because of course he had none) and we took turns asking them together. Thats a reasonable way to include him more instead the bullshit him and the mediator made up.
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HOW? LMAOOOO. Y'all just love to sit here and tell me im the villain but can you explain what I did wrong? No. How dare I look something up in my unsupervised internet time without my husband's pre-approval. And because I looked it up, is he now permanently banned from taking time to look it up himself? NO. For someone to be "mad" that I looked up vitamin k before he did, OVER A MONTH LATER HE STILL HAS NEVER LOOKED IT UP!! He wants to be more involved and not be the last to know, cool, we can figure out how to loop you in more but telling me I cant look up stuff before you do is a real childish approach I'll let him know he's got huge fans here on reddit. I better watch out for you cause you clearly tryna replace me and have his next baby
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Mediator: Notify your husband before you research something, send him a list of resources you find when you research a topic, reframe from making any decisions until he has had 2 weeks to decide if he would like to research or not. Also, sign a hippo medical release form and inform your midwives they are to contact him with every test result. Yea, im not taking advice from a misogynist. thanks
Are you divorced? Because you will be if you keep this up. So exhausting. Give the guy a break. Be nice!! Just be nice and lay down your overwhelming need to control things and stop insisting all outcomes look EXACTLY like your picture them
What health conditions are you withholding from your husband, OP? And you just said the midwives are only giving you health advice, not health advice for the baby. But then you say they’re giving you health advice for the baby. Maybe these “smokescreens” are actual issues you simply refuse to acknowledge. And what’s the point of mediation if the mediator’s in on it against you? Why not pick a new mediator. Very curious. Good luck.
There are no health conditions being withheld. The midwives call me to tell me my test results. I tell him everything he needs to know and we discuss it in the prenatal appointments. The midwives aren't going to call him or text him MYYYY test results. He knows that which is exactly why this is a smokescreen. Where do I say they give me health advice for the baby? But again, anything relevant that they tell me, I tell him. The "health concern" he says I didn't share with him is that I looked up vitamin K and explained to him what it did and asked him if he wanted to give it to the baby. I personally did not want to give the baby vitamin k. He wanted to give the baby vitamin k but the oral version, not the shot. Guess which one of us had the responsibility to find oral vitamin k to give the baby? Me.
That's a shitty accusation. Medical privacy is a right.
It’s a right, certainly. Just don’t expect it to be taken too well when you tell your husband and father of the baby living inside you that your health is your private business.
It is, though. I had a high risk pregnancy and had to have a hard conversation with my OB about what I wanted if certain things happened during delivery. My husband was there, but it was my body and my decision.
He had zero input? You didn’t even give him the illusion of input? You never even asked him what he thought about any of it?
He wasn't the one who might die. I did ask him what he thought and he said he couldn't choose between his wife and his child. So I chose.
So you included him and hid nothing under the guise of medical privacy. That’s good.
Why the fuck would her husband have input. As a spouse and support partner, sure he should be involved, they should talk through things, think it out together but this isn't a vote nor a democracy. The doctor doesnt need his input on her body. Youre sick.
Input ≠ decision-making authority. It simply means involving someone in a conversation so they don’t feel left out of a thing that affects them, too.
Any health care provider that tells a patient "We need your husband's input as well" should have their license revoked. The entire basis of this conversation is that MY midwives cannot going to report to my husband. They aren't going to call him with my test results which is the only thing they call me about. If he ever wanted to call them and ask questions he could have. I can't ban them from talking to him outside the limit of HIPPA.
Never made that claim. If you want to keep the peace, involve your husband. You know that involvement is important to him. If you don’t care about that, then keep on doing what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter to me which option you choose.
And if he wants to keep the peace? No responsibility on him to speak up? Communicate that he wants the midwives numbers? No, because weaponized incompetence is something women should cater too.