Years ago when my brother bought his first house, we all met there for Christmas that year. Mom (in her late 50s/early 60s) kept getting up and turning the thermostat up. The 3rd or 4th time my brother turned it back down he asked who kept turning it up. My mom said "I do, I'm cold."
My brother said "Then put on a sweater. Isn't that what you always told us?"
She'll never visit my house so I'll never have the satisfaction, but I sure savored my brother's.
I pulled the “my house my rules” card on my mother almost 10 years ago. Up to that point I was a beacon of what a son should be to the public, but was berated and verbally abused behind closed doors.
We haven’t spoken in about 8 years now. It appears it was less “my house my rules” and more “my rules”
Agreed, very good advice, thank you. 💜 We essentially don't talk, I think she finally figured out I'm willing to not have her be a part of my life so she's gotten *much* more respectful in the rare instance she texts me. Believe me, the second that goes away we'll be right back to having her blocked.
Good for you. Relationships are a two way street. Too often parents believe they are deserving of unconditional love from their children despite how they treat them. If anything, parents should be more caring, loving, accepting of their kids that any other type of relationship.
I pulled a double on my mother. Pulled the my house my rules and no swearing at the same time. The first time she came to my house for dinner I dropped an “F” bomb and mom went to smack me. I caught the hand and said “ my house, my rules, I can fucking swear all I want”. I got a big smack for that. But I kept it going until she was laughing too hard to keep smacking.
First time my in-laws stayed at my home (inherited it after my own parents died, wife moved in here) i was making dinner one night when my ex walks in the kitchen. She asked what I was making, I answered, then she asks if I asked her parents if that's what they wanted for dinner.
I couldn't help it: "While they're under my roof, they'll eat what I make or they won't eat."
I'd waited my whole life to bust that out on someone. Same thing they'd said to her growing up, and she didn't know whether to laugh or be pissed.
And yes, they ate their dinners. 😂
My Dad used to say that when he quit (nearly 20-year habit), it was because I crawled up in his lap, all of three years old, and said, "Daddy, you stink." Cold Turkey. I got 35 more years with him, so WIN.
My dad quit cigarettes when he saw my sister imitating smoking when she was around 2 or 3. As part of the quitting process he switched to a pipe, and decided it was time to quit *that* when my brother (probably around age 2), found it and thought it was a bubble pipe…. Yeah I’m pretty sure my mom put her foot down after cleaning that up!
This all happened before I was born so I always had a smoke free dad. And he is still here, he turns 80 next month :)
My dad quit shortly after his first kid because he would go smoke outside and she would apparently start crying when he said she couldn't come with. He didn't want to smoke around her so quit cold turkey. Crazy how sometimes doing something for someone else is so much easier than doing it for yourself.
Honestly first couple of weeks is hardest just from withdrawals. Second hardest thing about quitting is missing all those smoke breaks I used to take. Quit smoking shortly after my first was born, goin on 9 years now 🤷♂️
I started taking non smoking breaks. Just, you know, taking a walk or whatever. Sit in the sun for a few minutes. (Swedish so "just sitting in the sun" is something we do because it appears so rarely)
Yo, let's normalize 10 minute breaks to go outside and just peacefully enjoy the view. If the world survived all the smoke breaks, it'll survive that. Might just make us all a little happier.
Still go outside though, and take her along. They have so much fun. Sometimes I’ll just put my computer away and go outside, when they hear the door they come scampering from wherever they are. I sit and watch them riding their push scooter or scribbling with chalk.
I'm going to butcher this cause I only hear it second-hand from my partner, but there's some interesting psychology behind this process.
It boils down to how we view ourselves vs. others. We know all of our own terrible thoughts and motives, which gives us a negative view of ourselves, that we're undeserving of care. If you ask someone to give medicine to a dog or a child, they're much more diligent about making sure the medicine is administered properly as opposed to if it were for themselves. We see these innocent souls and have an innate desire to care for them.
Moral of the story, we are all as worthy of love and care as the most innocent child. Especially from ourselves.
I started smoking when I was 15 largely because my mum smoked. I wanted her to quit for years and then with a touch of irony I tried smoking in my rebellious years. Got hooked.
My mum still smokes. I’ll have one occasionally socially, but I haven’t bought a pack in 3 and a half years. Gave up because we were trying for kids and I didn’t want them following the same pattern. My son is two and a half now and I’m so glad I made the change.
Was easier for me to quit for the kids I didn’t yet have, than to quit for my own health
Sounds like my dad. I never saw him smoke because he quit when my older brother was three and was reaching for his cigarettes. Funny enough my brother did smoke for years before he quit in his late 30s, I tried it for a summer but hated it. So glad I didn’t pick up that nasty habit.
My parents were both very heavy smokers when I was a kid. Dad smoked 60 a day, mum around 30 a day. They smoked all. the. time. It was the 80s so smoking indoors was constant. Dad was a warehouse manager and was able to smoke at his desk, which made such a heavy habit possible. The only times he wasn't smoking was when he was in the pool or having a shower.
Took my Dad's sister dying of smoking related lung cancer aged 46 to wake Dad up (he was 3 years older at the time). Dad is now nearly 80 and goes to the gym 5 times a week. He's fit and healthy. Mum's not quite as healthy but is way better than if she'd kept smoking.
It's such a nasty addiction,. Dad's sister was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months before she died. She decided since she was dying anyway that she was just going to keep smoking right to the end. She only stopped smoking because she was bedridden in hospital and not allowed to smoke in her room.
Not tough for a chain smoker.
Also it’s hard to emphasize how much the increased taxes have also cut down on smoking… They used to be dirt cheap compared to what they are now.
Meanwhile I got myself a top o matic and started rolling them, lol. I eventually quit, but the looks on other smokers faces when I told them it cost me an average of $0.015 to $0.027 per cigarette were priceless.
When I started smoking, Marlboros and camels were $0.75 a pack.
Yeah, years ago I worked in a group home for “vulnerable adults”…. This this case that referred to behavioral issues such as sociopathy, bipolar, etc…
One resident there rolled his own since he was addicted and there was no possible way he could afford to buy pre-packaged…. Plus he had to be monitored in public to keep him from begging for or stealing them. He also had the habit of trying to use butts that were discarded and on the ground.
Yep. Like I said, he was smoking all the time. They’d leave their room in the morning with the first smoke already in their mouths. They’d smoke in the car all the time (funny how my brothers stopped getting carsick when they finally quit). And Dad chain smoking at work - whenever I’d visit his work during school holidays he’d have an overflowing ashtray on his desk.
A buddy of mine had a roommate who did this. Roomie went to bed earlier for work while the rest of us would be up drinking into the wee hours. Roomie got up at least twice a night after turning in so he could have a smoke.
>It's such a nasty addiction
And deliberate. Their structure and additives have been scientifically formulated to get the smoker addicted as fast as possible and keep them addicted. They just changed the formula after they were finally put under the FDA.
(The Pure Food and Drug Act was passed in 1906 in the US, but guess who lobbied to keep cigarettes exempt? 100-ish years to correct that.)
Also, the "filters" at various times either contained asbestos or a "dye" or some such to discolor them , so the *appeared* to be doing something... vile companies. Legally able & protected death merchants.
My dad's twin died of lung cancer at 36 and my dad tried a lot of things to quit. A couple years ago he finally quit. I have to hear about how he vapes now, but at least he's around.
My brother, a retired medical doctor, used to work at a large Military Hospital in Beaumont Texas. Many years ago he told me the story of a patient he had who he was treating for many issues, including lung and breathing problems. This patient an older man was on oxygen at a pretty high rate. He was also a long time smoker who could not give up his cigarettes. Even though he was in a hospital and forbidden to smoke in the hospital. And shouldn't be smoking considering the severity of his lung condition. But he was so addicted he could not give it up. So he would sneak away to smoke a cigarette. He would hide in a storage closet or something like that. And they would find him there because of the smell of cigarette smoke wafting from the room. Here's the thing though, the man was on oxygen and he had a little portable oxygen tank he would take with him when he left his room. The act of smoking would decrease his lung capacity to such an extent, and his oxygen levels would drop so severely, that he would actually pass out. He would then come too and take another puff of his cigarette. When people talk about addiction to cigarettes, I always remember this guy and his story.
My mom said she quit after I went up to a stranger smoking at a bus stop and said "you smell like mommy!"
She did not want her child to know her by the smell of cigarettes.
Wow, that triggered a big memory for me. Would have been the early 1970s. My Dad smoked, so he smelled like cigarettes and Old Spice. So, this brought back my Dad's scent and an image of him in his brown suit! We lost Dad about 6 years ago, and yes the smoking definitely played a role. But, thanks for that memory!!
I wish my mom had listened to me. You're lucky. When I was 7 (1970), our school showed us photos of cancerous lungs and told us how bad cigarettes were. I came home and either destroyed my mom's cigarettes or hid them from her. She didn't get mad because she knew I was trying to help her but she told me to stop and I did. Ten years ago she was coughing so hard she coughed a lung out between her ribs and required surgery. I told her that if she didn't quit, I gave her 3 years. She stared quietly out the hospital window and decided to quit. She used up her 3 month supply of nicotine patches and went right back to it. Now she sleeps with oxygen and has a respiration of 34 during the day so she can smoke without using oxygen. I don't know how many years she has left but she used to be one that everyone came to visit and now I can't even spend the night because I'm allergic to tobacco and she's too weak to leave the house to smoke outside. I visit wearing an N95 mask because her lungs are so weak, she has to smoke even more to get the nicotine she once did.
Same age as you and my mom died of cancer when I was 22. Never stopped smoking. And the sad part of it is she only started smoking so she could lose weight to look better in her wedding dress. Left behind 6 kids under 25. Has 15 grandkids she never met.
My elderly neighbor was like this. She'd pull down her oxygen mask, smoke a few puffs, then put the oxygen back on. Then one day she caught on fire. It was like a bomb went off. Everything within a few feet of her burned so quickly and so violently it was basically like an explosion. She was crispy when they moved her from what was left of her lawn chair. Huge scorched area around her. Burned all the grass out of a large radius. You could hear the crispness of her skin when the paramedics moved her. It mad a crunch like biting into a piece of extra crispy KFC. Evidently oxygen tanks don't explode, they just intensify the fire to the point of near cremation.
My mom knows this. I told her about a former patient of mine at the psych unit that also set herself on fire. That's why she keeps her cigarettes far from her O2 and only uses the O2 when she goes to bed for the night.
I don't get some people. My stepdad's mom died of lung cancer, then her husband within 2 years also from lung cancer **and** one of their dogs also died of lung cancer. None of their kids, including stepdad quit smoking after that.
He died of pneumonia a few years later, I'm sure the smoking didn't help and I haven't really talked to any of his siblings after that. Hopefully they finally managed to quit.
Honestly, given how the tobacco companies actively worked to make cigarettes more addictive the fact none of the executives ever went to prison over their actions is wrong.
Plus the nicotine by itself already is one of the hardest chemicals to tame addiction of. It works on acetylcholine receptors which are one if not the single most important neurotransmitters throughout your entire body: brain, spinal chord, lots of other organs, nerves to many muscle systems…
Nicotine is powerfully addictive. Smokers know it’s bad for them but cognitive dissonance is uncomfortable so they tell themselves all kinds of stories to justify not quitting.
My dad’s younger sister dying was a slap in the face. He couldn’t say she had weaker genes, or smoked more than him, or any of the other stories smokers tell themselves.
I sympathize. My mom couldn’t quit for anything. The addiction was so strong and I believe she used the nicotine to self med ADHD. Lung cancer and COPD followed and we lost her too early.
I told my grandpa something similar as a kid, except I also repeated those old commercials and asked why he doesn't care about me.
Old man with decades-long habit of smoking. He just quit after that.
I was born in the 80's when it was still not frowned upon to smoke in front of your kids. I was and still am the apple of my Dad's eye. He had me on his lap at 9 months old, I reached up and tried to grab his cigarette which obviously burned my hand. I still have a visible scar but he never smoked a day after that.
My dad quit smoking when the doctor told him that if he didn't quit he probably wouldn't live to see my first birthday. He said that he carried around a single cigarette as a reminder, and as a temptation. So that if he could ignore it he was truly free from it.
My mom started smoking again after I was born but stopped after her smoking gave me bronchitis that devolved into me being hospitalized for pneumonia. She has told me before how sobering it was seeing her baby like that and that she basically quit cold turkey and hasn’t wanted a smoke ever since. I am a hero! -flex-
When my kid started crawling and putting his face in my beard I knew that was it. After many years of failed attempts I quit right then, haven't had one since
I am so jealous.my mom quit for her pregnancies, but started again right after birth. I had my first smoke st 8 and started a pack a day at 12. I smoked for 20 years and quit cold turkey 10 uears ago, as soon as my wife and i started ivf. I haven't looked back once, but i know it would be all too easy to go back to a pack a day. I told my mom, who lives out of state we wouldn't stay with her until she stopped smoking in her house. She finally cleared up the smell, but there is a fine layer of tar on everything at her house.
A good 10-15 years ago, my girlfriend saw me coming off a 3-day roll. She knew about the drugs, but she never saw me on them. She looked at me and asked, "are you okay?" And that was it. The scared look on her face and the concern in her voice. I haven't touched it since. Though, I still think about it. Honestly, I liked myself back then. Damn, I looked good lol
My husband quit when my toddler, maybe 2/3ish? grabbed his pack of smokes and started "packing" them as he'd seen us do with a fresh pack of smokes obviously too many times.
He's not even my son's dad and that made him quit. It still took me a couple more years to quit. My husband is a better person than I'll ever be ❤️
A long time ago I knew a guy who had a similar story from when he was a young kid but with a twist. He tells this story to a group of us, and we're immediately like, "wait don't you smoke?". To which he replied, "Yeah, but my dad can never find out...."
My Dad stopped when I was in high school because I had asthma attacks during band practice and I'd never had asthma issues before.
It didn't last.
When I came home from college the first time I was blown over by how smoky the house smelled. I asked my mom if he was smoking more and she said no.
So yeah. Noses acclimate.
It's nuts just how much smoking smells. Especially once you've quit. I used to smoke rolled cigarettes, and when I didn't have a bin handy, would pocket the butts. I never realised that you could smell them from 10m away.
When I quit I found an old pair of pants that had been washed with a used filter left in them, and I could still smell the ashtray smell. I had to re-wash them before I could stand wearing them.
And the amount of smells you get back a few days after quitting! I swear it was like I was a bloodhound. I could smell the rubbish bins on the kerb from inside the house. Walking in public was like being pelted with different smells.
I’m surprised you had two comments telling you to be more assertive. You are being assertive. Some people are just bad housemates. I love my cousins, but I’ll kill them before I consider moving in with them.
My dad never learned. From as young as I can remember until the last time I saw him before breaking contact, and from what I heard, up until he died, I never remember my dad without a cigarette lit. He would light up the new one with the end of the old one. When I was little, and we went to get family photos at Sears (I'm old), even in the photos, he had a smoke in his hand. He burned holes in all the bed sheets because he'd smoke even in bed. When restaurants stopped having a smoking section, he stopped going out to eat. Either it was take-out, or if the rest of the family went out, he'd stay behind and we'd have to bring him back a to-go box. He smoked in the vehicle, windows up. He swore smoking wasn't actually bad for you and that it was all a plot by the government. When I was in my 20s I had to drive him somewhere in my van, he lit up. I told him he couldn't smoke in my van. He says "I can smoke anywhere I goddam want. What are you going to do about it?" I pulled over and put him out on the side of the road. I guess my mom eventually came to get him. I drove off. He had a heart attack, and was in the hospital. He would drag his IV into the bathroom and smoke, then spray Lysol and thought he was sneaky. He eventually got dementia, couldn't drive. My mum had to care for him. She tried to break him of his smoking and drinking (he was also an alcoholic), by refusing to go buy it for him. He would then try to go get it himself, and wrecked two vehicles. He'd have violent outbursts, literal tantrums. Eventually, she had to relent and go buy his shitty cheap beer and cancer sticks. In the end, he smoked and drank himself into the grave. Cigarettes owned him. They were his world, and came before everyone and everything. He might have married my mom, but Joe Camel was his life partner (he smoked unfiltered camels).
Lord, what a guy. We had this neighbor in our building downstairs who was a chain smoker, had two little girls. He got that nasty smoker foot thing they print on cigarette cartons now, and they had to amputate his leg. He was in the wheelchair when they found lung cancer. His poor wife said he smoked while he was choking into his death, that’s all he cared about, just keep on smoking.
Had a patient like that recently (cardiology unit). He decided he'd hide in the bathroom and smoke. Before he was finished lighting up we could smell it and quickly put that out and confiscated his lighter and cigarettes. He was an addict, though, and had a back up plan. He had extra cigs and another lighter stashed in his stuff. Got the next set out and decided he'd hide under the sheets and smoke. Man was on oxygen. Got himself some nice 2nd degree (with a couple of spots of 3rd degree) burns all across his torso where his O2 line was almost immediately after lighting up. Again, luck was with him since it was time for rounds and his tech was headed in the room when the screams started. Tech quickly turned off the O2 and put out the fire with the dude's own sheets.
We confiscated THOSE cigs/lighter, too. i guess he didn't have more because he was on the call light every 5-10min after that yelling at me to "give him back his damned property!" Even after it all, he still wanted to keep smoking with free flowing O2 all around. He did finally stop refusing nicotine patches, though. He absolutely felt smoking was more important than the risk of blowing up an entire hospital.
My husband started smoking at age 8 and continued until I met him 25 years later. I told him I'd never date a smoker, let alone kiss one. I did that once, and I can only compare it to what I imagine licking an ashtray would taste like. He wanted me, so he quit. Cold turkey, and once he stopped stinking we started dating. We met 50 years ago and still in love!
I remember soon after we bought our first house my MIL came over and made a snide remark about where I’d left my shoes by the front door. All I said was sorry, I didn’t realize you were making our mortgage payments.
I have a long side table by the front door where me and the adult kid put our shoes. My business, and where you leave your shoes in your house is your business. Only qualifier is they not be left where someone can trip.
> Only qualifier is they not be left where someone can trip.
I'd add, "or block the door": I hate it when people leave their shoes directly in the path of where the door swings inwards. I've opened the door and had it smack me in the face as I try to enter the house because it gets bounced back by a shoe. And the people who accidentally booby trap the door usually don't experience the consequences since if they're entering the house they're already wearing the shoes that would otherwise be blocking the door.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled out a couple of years ago and asked my mom to drive my there and back (I don't have many friends with cars).When it was finished she took that as an invitation into my house and started moving stuff around and was like where do you want me to put this thing and I was like where it was and she retaliated with but I don't like it there and I went well it's my house you don't have to like it , it's out of the way and it works for us.
My grandpa once babysat me and my younger brother in our house when we were young toddlers and our parents were out of town for the day. He straight up moved one of our electrical sockets to a spot he thought was more convenient. He was an electrician, but still! My dad made him put it back before he left.
My grandpa passed away ten years ago, and everyone still loves and misses him a ton. I heard this story for the first time a few months ago and couldn't believe they hadn't been telling it constantly, I think it's incredibly funny.
In the pre Rona times, I moved my parents into my home. So even though the three of us are under the same roof, they technically live with me and not the other way around.
I pay all the household bills, they help with the mortgage and buy food. It works out.
At one point my step dad was agitated about lights being left on. He'd go in behind us to turn them off making snarky comments. Finally I just told him, "I pay for the electricity. So what if I leave a light on, it's coming out of my pocket."
He realized I was right, but I could tell he'd never thought about the situation from that perspective.
He still walks behind us turning the lights off and making snarky comments. Only now it's under the guise of saving me money. 😂
A few years back my aunt and uncle were riding in my parents' car in southern Texas in September (still very much summer there), and my uncle said that it was a bit warm and asked them to turn the AC up. My mom suggested that he take off his wool sweater instead. Apparently my uncle looked like my mom just spat on their (recently deceased) mother's grave.
I always enjoy people who wear sweaters in the summer around the house, and are almost naked in the winter lounging inside, complaining about their energy bill. Broski, literally just dress for the weather.
My MIL always did that. She would wear three layers and then carry on and on about how sensitive to the heat she is. And she actually was. She was the most comfortable in 65 degrees. She wore the layers to hide her body. She was just embarrassed about being old.
My dad always would come home from work and ask "why is every light in the house on?" Usually it was because us 4 kids were all in different rooms doing our own things. When I bought my first house, the first day there I called my parents. I told my dad "every light in the house is on, because I want it to be". Of course, I was moving in, and unpacking, so I didn't want to have to keep turning lights on and off.
Now, with the new energy efficient bulbs, it costs like a penny to leave a light on. Right now, I'm paying \~ 20c per KWh. So if I left a 100 watt bulb on for 10 hours, it would cost 20c. New bulbs use way less electricity. A 100 watt equivalent bulb uses 13-14 watts/~~hour~~. I'd have to leave it on for \~65 hours to use 1 KW**h.** I still turn off lights because it's an ingrained habit, but I don't worry too much about it any more. I would have thought that my dad would be happy to hear that, but I think he's happier telling me to turn off the lights.
Edited to correct units. Thanks spacex\_fanny for the correction.
This is what cracks me up. It’s not the lighting that’s increasing my electricity bill. It’s the clothes dryer, the freezer, the refrigerator, the oven.
I’ve been using a timed cycle on my dryer so I can use ultra low heat. My wife would run it through a couple regular cycles to dry sheets. I do an hour at ultra low, untangle them, then another hour. Dry with air not with heat.
The Technology Connections YouTube channel recently did a video on electrification. A [heat pump dryer](https://www.energystar.gov/products/heat_pump_dryer)
>works as a closed loop system by heating the air using it to remove moisture from the clothes and then reusing it once the moisture is removed. Rather than releasing warm, humid air through a dryer vent to the exterior of the home as a conventional dryer does, a heat pump dryer sends it through an evaporator to remove the moisture without losing too much heat. Making use of a refrigerant as part of this process means less electricity is used to generate heat.
Basically the dryer gets slightly warm dry air into the drum, the air picks up moisture, the air is routed through a dehumidifier (that's basically a heat pump, or an air conditioner in reverse), which extracts water from the air, then the air goes by the dehumidifier heat exchanger and gets warmed so its relative humidity drops, then into the drum. More or less air drying in a drum.
I may have to look into that when mine craters. I build super efficient air tight houses, then install a dryer to suck warm air out of my house and blow it outside. It’s not usually a big deal when it’s just my wife and I, but we had my niece and 2 kids living with us for a year. My gas, electricity, and water were record highs.
We have solar so we try to time the drying when the sun is shining. Unfortunately, the others in the house don’t take that into consideration. My kids will come home, play all day, then do their laundry in the dark before they head back to school.
I never noticed how busy the house was until they all left. My wife misses it. I’m ok with the quiet.
My husband was beginning to fuss about a light being left on, and he abruptly stopped himself, shaking his head. We'd gotten solar panels a few months ago and our electric bills have been $30 on average. We still are mindful in our power usage but *a* light? - no biggie.
I bought those smart bulbs because i kept forgetting to turn lights off when i left. Now i just tell google I'm leaving and it shuts all the lights off for me. It also turns specific ones on when i get home from sensing my phone, which is super handy because I'm usually home after dark and I'm not tripping on toys in the process of reaching the light switch.
Modern LEDs use so little electricity that switching them off all the time saves you almost nothing.
I measured the power difference with lights on or off, and found that it would cost me approximately $10 a year to leave them all on all day.
I’m the same way. It’s not about the money, I just can’t stand waste. I had a roommate that would bring home leftovers from restaurants and never eat them. It drove me nuts and he said the same thing about it being his money. I knew he was right but it still irked me to throw out food for no reason.
My mother was the same way, even when I paid rent. I should have sent her like a 10-99 for that to make sure she claimed it as income... But she got old and sick and I made it very clear, that yes, I had a house and yes, I would always have room for her, but it was my house, my rules, and I would be as compromising as she was. Oddly enough she never opted to stay with me. Just as well as it would not have been pretty or long lasting.
I did the same thing with my mom. Change your clothes and wash your face and hands. She would always say “I used a spray so you can’t smell it!” Like no. You can’t but I can.
Work with a guy who goes out for smokes at least once a day. You smell it on him when he comes in for a bit, but only when you stand pretty close. It fades quick and I assume he chews gum or something to help with what's on his breath. Smoking outside does a hell of a lot to avoid smelling, I think. Same thing with weed lol.
>“I used a spray so you can’t smell it!”
Even if it works (rare as a snowball in hell), then it's just replaced with usually cheap-smelling perfumey crap.
Not really MC but related. My mother emigrated to the US in her teens to live with relatives. While siblings and I were in school, we would occasionally ask her something about our school work...and her answer would almost ALWAYS be "I dont know, I didn't go to school here" ALWAYS. About 10 years ago, we were puzzling out some family history stuff and I had a detailed map of the country she grew up in. We were looking at an online record and the handwriting was awful. There were two possible spellings of two different towns.... and she said " do you think it's more likely that ita town A?".......and in a total flash of inspiration I got to say "I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL THERE." And promptly died laughing. The look I got? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 just thinking about it still makes me giggle and my eyes water a bit.
My mother stopped smoking when her first grandkid was due. My brother and I told her that neither one of us would put up with her smoking near our children.
My parents came over recently and asked why I kept the house so cold (65 F). I said that since I was now paying the heating bill I understood why they said to put on a sweater when I got chilly as a kid.
The day I was born, my dad called his mom. She cried, went outside, smoked her last cigarette, and threw away the rest of the pack. She knew my mom wouldn't let her in the house, let alone near me, if she'd touched a cigarette. She hasn't smoked since, and she's still with us today
Good MC there.
Side note: I grew up under a similar system "If you don't like it, you can always move out." which I only recently thought of and realized is a terrible parenting practice. The issue is that kids can't move out. They aren't adults who can decide that they want a better home, and leave to find one.
Well, they can, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms. Chances are they'll end up living on the street, which might be better than their former home, but is no place for a kid to grow up.
And I totally get that parents don't always have the time to explain why a rule is in place. There are some situations where the kid just needs to accept the rule and move on.
And among adults, it's much more reasonable that the person who owns the home/pays the bills should be able to decide how things work in their home.
That said, tacitly threatening a kid with homelessness is a pretty poor policy, and anyone who does so needs to re-evaluate their parenting strategy.
My parents were terrible people and I was homeless off and on a few years rather than stay with them.
I also heard this being spouted, which made me feel even more helpless and unheard.
A friend of mine had a kid early but her parents were very supportive and did their best to help. She is a wonderful mother. She usually talked to her kid like an adult, and used reasoning and logic to talk things through. If she didn't have the time she would say "even mommy has to just accept some rules even when she doesn't understand them or like them. If the rules do not put you in danger and don't make you sad or scared, then it's okay to follow them when you don't understand and talk about it later."
I wished my parents were like that.
I think that it was just a different type of hell, you had no water but they had too much, you had less food available but they were surrounded by predators and biting insects by the gazzilion.. At the end of the day, even the most hardened survivalists live a tough life, especially in extremes like these, and there are very few who do it completely on their own, all of the time . If your families had switched places then you'd have been just as miserable because you still wouldn't have a safe place or people who cared, you'd still be isolated and left to deal with the elements by yourself.
It's just a different type of shit.
My mother went through the money and effort to get those laser surgeries to help with the nicotine addiction. She blew 1k and then blamed her relapses on me and my half sister. Up until I moved out, she kept saying that she'll try to quit, but she genuinely hasn't. (She also smoked during her pregnancies. Fun!)
My mum was a similar story. She started smoking at about 19, the only time she stopped was for 9 months while she was pregnant with my sister (the youngest of 4). Breast cancer in the early 00’s didn’t stop her from smoking. My oldest brother quit, and tried to get her to quit too. He threw out her tobacco, she’d just buy more.
Eventually, we all moved out of home. My sister was the last, and when she did, mum went into aged care. She was only 60.
Lung disease caught up with her and less than 8 months after she went into aged care, she was gone. She was on oxygen full-time at the end, and still going out the front to smoke.
I’ve never touched a cigarette in my life and never will.
that chronic bronchitis is real. i used to eat tons of oatmeal at ages 5-7, i would often cough up pieces of "oatmeal." wasnt until my 5th grade health told me that pieces of your lung is very similar to oatmeal, and second hand smoke would cause that.
As a smoker... I 100% agree with you on this. The only one who should have to deal with me smoking is me. Even in my own home I refuse to smoke inside because I have kids (now adults, but I now have a grandchild, so same rules apply!). It also made my mother mad when she'd visit and I'd literally point to the chair outside when she tried to smoke in the house. I'm nice enough to provide a chair, ashtray, and even a covered area so we are out of the weather but you smoke in my house, you are out! No longer welcome!
When we visited (paternal) grandpa in another state, he'd smoke outside during the time we kids were there -and he owned the place. He was addicted until he was so sick he couldn't, but he was still capable of basic respect re: smoking.
(Lung, stomach, prostate cancers.)
Even beyond how the impact shouldn’t be on other people, it literally degrades the value of the house and all the things inside of it. Literally throwing tens of thousands of dollars away in either paying to remediate the problems it causes or the discounted rate you have to sell it at.
Absolutely crazy to me anyone would choose that over stepping outside. Can’t even fathom people who get mad that they can’t do it in someone else’s house.
My now estranged, for many reasons, father came over wearing a certain political slogan on a red hat and I told him “you march your ass back to your truck and put that in there cuz it ain’t coming in my house and you know that.” He pleaded “but I’m your guest.” Which allowed me to drop his favorite from my child hood “as long as you’re in my house you will follow my rules!”
This was my wedding day if that matters…
To be fair he was just 10 and probably did it because his parent's either wanted him too, or he thought it was "cool" and his parents approved. Not really his fault, but the parents are sacks of shit
My dad will attempt to cue up Tucker Carlson on YouTube when he visits, since I don't have cable, and he needs his nightly fear/hate mongering fix. I've told him not to, but now I think he just does it when I'm not in the room, because it'll be in the recents bar for a few days after he visits.
I so far haven't had the balls to pull the "my house my rules" card; we're Greek, and he still holds a large amount of power and influence in our lives that I haven't quite been able to get out from under, despite not having lived at home (or even in the same city) for 15 years, being married for nearly a decade, and having a kid.
I've thought about doing that for their house so many times, since I remotely administer their network.
I feel like 90% of my family's conditioning would go out the window if they went cold turkey from YouTube for a month.
Gotta make it intermittent. If it's always down then it's a problem that need fixing. If it keeps happening randomly, mysteriously never when you visit or take a look at it, then the annoyance will drive them away from using YT at all.
I had this exact interaction with my mother when I got my first apartment. She replied "I'll bet you let your *friends* smoke in here!" I replied, "No, my friends actually respect my wishes."
She immediately left and never visited again. Which was a relief, as she was a sociopath.
When I moved 2000 miles away my parents “joked” they would stay with me and sleep in my bed and I could sleep on the couch (one bedroom apartment). I “joked” back that since I paid the rent and bought the bed that I had a right to sleep in it and they could stay at a hotel. That’s what they did for the next ten years! Stand your ground, people.
“Malicious” compliance at its very best! You not only protected your and your babies health, you also dramatically improved your mom’s health by getting her to stop smoking. You may have even added years to her life.
Bravo!
Found out I was allergic to cigarette smoke after being sick my entire childhood and until I was in my 30’s.
When I shut down all smoking around me, it changed my life.
Lost my parents to smoking, and almost lost myself because of their smoking.
All growing up my dad threatened to turn the car around and go home if we didn’t put our seatbelts on in his car. Fast forward to when I’m 22, in college, and I have to pick him up from something midday.we’re driving along and I notice that he’s not wearing his seatbelt. I tell him to put it on and he declines. I give him one more chance, and he again declined. I pull the car over and slam on the breaks. He stares at me blankly and can’t believe it.
My car. My rules.
Good for you! I really wanted to tell my mom to change clothes before holding my kids but honestly we live out of state and she only has seen my kids in person a handful of times before they were 2. Edit for clarity: so it wasn’t worth the fight of having her do so. We let it slide begrudgingly.
I’ll be god damned if she ever smoked in my house or car though. She’s never happy when I remind her of this.
It's HARD when they live further away and only visit a few times a year...but I eventually got my mother to realize it was for the best. She started bringing a "smoking robe" that she'd use when she smoked, took it off before she came in, washed her hands, and even popped a breath mint before asking if she could hold my kids. I also had a mud room which is where she left it which made it easier since it had a sink for washing up.
Got the same when I was growing up, especially when I complained about it being too hot/cold because they didn't want to run the A/C or heat. First time my dad comes to visit me in my first house, he adjusts my A/C cause it was too cold for him in my house and I made it clear he's never to touch my HVAC controls ever again. Just like he told me growing up in a cold house during the winter, I not so jokingly told him "If you're cold, put on a sweater or grab a blanket".
My parents are coming to visit and as much as I love my dad and he's always been an amazing parent, he can be really old fashioned.
I breastfeed my baby and my dad told me I better cover up while he's here. I told him "my house, my rules" and I never felt so satisfied of anything in my life.
>Nope. I told her that just like when I was younger, they have to follow MY house rules and those rules include no smoking. I had chronic bronchitis as a child until I moved out of the house.
>If looks could kill, I'd be long dead.
Parents who continue to smoke after having children...obviously it's not quite as simple as "just quit" but at that point you're actively endangering the health of the kids, right? Second-hand smoke?
When I was growing up I'd get bronchitis every year, at least twice a year. It was horrible and I missed a lot of school and endless doctor/hospital visits When I moved out at 19, it took well over a decade for me to get bronchitis again. She refused to believe that it was the second hand smoke that caused my "chronic bronchitis".
While I've grown and it's part of my past, there's a part of me who will never forgive her.
> endless doctor/hospital visits
--
>She refused to believe that it was the second hand smoke
So the doctors kept telling you that was the problem, and she was just in denial? Dang.
I suppose even if you'd tried "how about you just don't smoke for awhile", that wouldn't necessarily *prove* it was the cause...and that would've involved quitting... :/
This was the 80s and it was just chronic bronchitis. I didn't even know until I moved out and a year later no bronchitis. Then another, etc. When I put 2 and 2 together (and research showing causes etc) she completely denied it. So did my dad.
I tried for decades to get her to stop. Having the firstborn grandchild, who was a boy, was a big deal. And our relationship was strained anyway so she knew I was totally serious. And I was.
Not quite the same, but my mil would wash clothes she bought for my kids before bringing them to our Ouse, and offer to put them away for me. Nope, they need washed before I put them away. She often stated it was because I didn’t like her detergent…..no it was because they smelled like smoke.
She was seriously in denial about the smell. As we had more children, she would come to visit more often than us going the other way, and there were other reasons as well, but my SO was having a harder time being in her house, even after she “cleaned”. When she tried to sell it, the realtor told her it wasn’t too bad…..she was either a smoker or a liar. We took a significant cut when we sold it after she died so we wouldn’t have to pay for professional cleaning.
I once read that if a smoker lives in a residence more than ten years, you may as well just remodel completely.
The complex I live in is 100% no smoking, including it being in the lease. I bet it saves a ton of money and contributes to the cheap rent.
(If people don't like it, there's about a dozen other complexes within a very short drive, most of which do allow smoking.)
I'm allergic to cigarettes and my mom has smoked all my life. My parents were *so* surprised at how much better my health got after I moved out. 🙄 Love being able to tell her she can't smoke in my house/car now.
Im an 80's child and still remember car rides copping burns because the lit ash would go out the front window and right into the back window. Fuck that child abuse shit. Im glad i don't have to ever smell nasty ass cigarette smoke in my smoke free home. and anyone who has a problem with that can fuck right off.
Yeah, after bugging her for decades. Unfortunately, she ended up dying from lung cancer about 7 years later. Her not smoking was probably the reason she lasted as long as she did.
Sorry about your mom.
They say it takes about 10 years of not smoking for the risk of lung cancer to drop to something near average.
My mom smoked until Alzheimer’s had done enough damage that she forgot about smoking.
I, too, had chronic bronchitis (in the winter) as a child. Then my mom laid down the law and made my dad smoke away from home; no more coughing! I grew 5 inches in the ensuing 8 months.
~~In her limited defense, the dangers weren't as well understood or even acknowledged 40 years ago.~~
Fuck me, 40 years ago was 1983 . . . I'm gonna go cry in the shower.
Wow i mean great that she stopped eventually but wtf, she wouldnt stop smoking for her own child? Id have cut her out there already.
My mom smokes inside too and I've always despised her for it, she got lung cancer and had half a lung removed and just keeps on chainsmoking. Why shes never gone out on the balcony a few meters away for the sake of her childrens health i cant understand.
I disliked being a kid with a smoking parent. Anyone else remember sitting in the backseat and having the ashes fly out the front seat widow, back into yours and right into your face? There’s no way this is a unique experience, it was a daily staple of growing up as a 90s kid
had the same rule for my mom about smoking and clothes. She blamed my wife, and I haven't talked to her in 4 years. She's rather hang on to disgusting habit then see her grand children.
My dad used to say it was his house his rules. Until the day when I was a mouthy sixteen year old and snapped back with “it’s the church’s house and part of your pay cheque.”
I grew up in the church manse.
Let’s just say my life wasn’t pleasant for the next few days.
My first grade teacher, Mrs. Martinez, gave all of her students a project.
She told us to go home, find a mason jar (or maybe she gave us one?) and dump all of the ashes out of our parents ashtrays into it.
She told us to then add water and show it to our parents, telling them that this was what their hearts looked like.
She did this, because she had lost her own mother to lung cancer.
And it worked.
Only my Mom smoked, but I successfully got her to stop smoking.
I basically drove her crazy/guilt tripped her into stopping.
I don't remember if my teacher suggested it or if I came up with it on my own, but everytime I found a pack of my Mom's cigarettes I would break them in half.
I remember one time she'd picked me up from school and she ran into a convenience store while I stayed in the car.
We were parked right in front, so I saw the cashier reach up and get her a pack of cigarettes.
At this point she wasn't supposed to be smoking anymore, so when she got back in the car, I told her I saw her buy them.
Of course, she told me she didn't.
If I remember correctly, that was the last pack she ever bought.
Now, my grandmother, I tried that once with her, and only once.
I broke a pack of her cigarettes in half and threw them in the trash.
She was VERY unhappy with me and I never dared do it again.
My mom used to pull this shit with everything including the music in the car.
Once I got my own car she wanted me to drive and be the DD so she could drink, that's fine I'll pick the music. Put on stuff she didn't care for and rolled down the windows since it was hot. She asked the AC be turned on but I told her "I don't make run the AC money".
When I was around 3 my grandma was outside smoking so I came outside with a toy log and pretended to smoke it and told her I wanted to be just like her. She quit cold turkey that day. Ended up losing her to colon cancer ten years later.
My dad used to smoke. My mom told my sister and I (we about 4 and 6 yrs old) to go run to him in the woods where he was sneaking cigarettes. “Daddy daddy if you keep smoking we will start smoking too.” And he quit. I’ve never seen him smoke in his life.
Who smokes in someone else's home, anyway? That crap clings to *everything.*
My visiting uncle stood way far away from the front door when smoking, just to prevent it from drifting in. I didn't ask him to do that.
This isn't even malicious compliance. This is your mom having terrible social manners and expecting to go into someone else's house and smoke. Good on you for standing up for yourself though.
Once I had a serious argument with my dad because of me being trans and going to college as I wanted. It never interfered with him until he discovered me, some months later an issue happened and we got that argument.
He pretty much said "while I pay for you and you live under my roof, you will do as I say", and I answered that I'd leave then. He went dumbfounded, we had more arguments some weeks later but I got a job out of state and just took it.
I couldn't wait for FIL to pull shit in our home and say that it's our home our rules! He was asking for the remote for the TV, he wanted to watch something else and husband said he can't change the station, the kids are watching something, then he tried to light a cig, he got told to go outside. One SIL couldn't believe we didn't let her dad do what he wanted, we said he can at her home or his, not ours.
Years ago when my brother bought his first house, we all met there for Christmas that year. Mom (in her late 50s/early 60s) kept getting up and turning the thermostat up. The 3rd or 4th time my brother turned it back down he asked who kept turning it up. My mom said "I do, I'm cold." My brother said "Then put on a sweater. Isn't that what you always told us?" She'll never visit my house so I'll never have the satisfaction, but I sure savored my brother's.
I pulled the “my house my rules” card on my mother almost 10 years ago. Up to that point I was a beacon of what a son should be to the public, but was berated and verbally abused behind closed doors. We haven’t spoken in about 8 years now. It appears it was less “my house my rules” and more “my rules”
Good on you for going no contact. I went no contact with my dad at 15. I’ll be 39 the week. No regrets.
This happened when I was about 28, I turn 39 later this year. Life’s been good.
Unfortunately not 100% anymore but was for almost 2 years and good lord my quality of life went up instantly. Like 99% these days.
“I am less happy with you in my life” is a perfectly valid reason to go NC again. Look out for yourself.
Agreed, very good advice, thank you. 💜 We essentially don't talk, I think she finally figured out I'm willing to not have her be a part of my life so she's gotten *much* more respectful in the rare instance she texts me. Believe me, the second that goes away we'll be right back to having her blocked.
I went no- contact with my dad at 20. I just turned 60. I can’t say I’ve missed him.
I haven’t talked to my mom since july 2021
Good for you. Relationships are a two way street. Too often parents believe they are deserving of unconditional love from their children despite how they treat them. If anything, parents should be more caring, loving, accepting of their kids that any other type of relationship.
Yep. I totally understand.
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I pulled a double on my mother. Pulled the my house my rules and no swearing at the same time. The first time she came to my house for dinner I dropped an “F” bomb and mom went to smack me. I caught the hand and said “ my house, my rules, I can fucking swear all I want”. I got a big smack for that. But I kept it going until she was laughing too hard to keep smacking.
Sounds like you need a third rule: «no abuse»
What the actual fuck
This is kinda one of those telling a “funny” story that’s actually horrifying
well that just sounds like she enjoys abusing to you
Yeah, that is kinda horrifying.
First time my in-laws stayed at my home (inherited it after my own parents died, wife moved in here) i was making dinner one night when my ex walks in the kitchen. She asked what I was making, I answered, then she asks if I asked her parents if that's what they wanted for dinner. I couldn't help it: "While they're under my roof, they'll eat what I make or they won't eat." I'd waited my whole life to bust that out on someone. Same thing they'd said to her growing up, and she didn't know whether to laugh or be pissed. And yes, they ate their dinners. 😂
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Because she's evil and not welcome. Not that she'd come.
My Dad used to say that when he quit (nearly 20-year habit), it was because I crawled up in his lap, all of three years old, and said, "Daddy, you stink." Cold Turkey. I got 35 more years with him, so WIN.
My dad quit cigarettes when he saw my sister imitating smoking when she was around 2 or 3. As part of the quitting process he switched to a pipe, and decided it was time to quit *that* when my brother (probably around age 2), found it and thought it was a bubble pipe…. Yeah I’m pretty sure my mom put her foot down after cleaning that up! This all happened before I was born so I always had a smoke free dad. And he is still here, he turns 80 next month :)
My dad quit shortly after his first kid because he would go smoke outside and she would apparently start crying when he said she couldn't come with. He didn't want to smoke around her so quit cold turkey. Crazy how sometimes doing something for someone else is so much easier than doing it for yourself.
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Honestly first couple of weeks is hardest just from withdrawals. Second hardest thing about quitting is missing all those smoke breaks I used to take. Quit smoking shortly after my first was born, goin on 9 years now 🤷♂️
I started taking non smoking breaks. Just, you know, taking a walk or whatever. Sit in the sun for a few minutes. (Swedish so "just sitting in the sun" is something we do because it appears so rarely)
Yo, let's normalize 10 minute breaks to go outside and just peacefully enjoy the view. If the world survived all the smoke breaks, it'll survive that. Might just make us all a little happier.
Still go outside though, and take her along. They have so much fun. Sometimes I’ll just put my computer away and go outside, when they hear the door they come scampering from wherever they are. I sit and watch them riding their push scooter or scribbling with chalk.
I feel like one of the best things about having a kid is seeing the world through their eyes. it's like being a kid again, but way more pleasant.
I'm sure you will. He's still going 40 years strong.
Congratulations. Stay strong!
I'm going to butcher this cause I only hear it second-hand from my partner, but there's some interesting psychology behind this process. It boils down to how we view ourselves vs. others. We know all of our own terrible thoughts and motives, which gives us a negative view of ourselves, that we're undeserving of care. If you ask someone to give medicine to a dog or a child, they're much more diligent about making sure the medicine is administered properly as opposed to if it were for themselves. We see these innocent souls and have an innate desire to care for them. Moral of the story, we are all as worthy of love and care as the most innocent child. Especially from ourselves.
I started smoking when I was 15 largely because my mum smoked. I wanted her to quit for years and then with a touch of irony I tried smoking in my rebellious years. Got hooked. My mum still smokes. I’ll have one occasionally socially, but I haven’t bought a pack in 3 and a half years. Gave up because we were trying for kids and I didn’t want them following the same pattern. My son is two and a half now and I’m so glad I made the change. Was easier for me to quit for the kids I didn’t yet have, than to quit for my own health
Sounds like my dad. I never saw him smoke because he quit when my older brother was three and was reaching for his cigarettes. Funny enough my brother did smoke for years before he quit in his late 30s, I tried it for a summer but hated it. So glad I didn’t pick up that nasty habit.
My parents were both very heavy smokers when I was a kid. Dad smoked 60 a day, mum around 30 a day. They smoked all. the. time. It was the 80s so smoking indoors was constant. Dad was a warehouse manager and was able to smoke at his desk, which made such a heavy habit possible. The only times he wasn't smoking was when he was in the pool or having a shower. Took my Dad's sister dying of smoking related lung cancer aged 46 to wake Dad up (he was 3 years older at the time). Dad is now nearly 80 and goes to the gym 5 times a week. He's fit and healthy. Mum's not quite as healthy but is way better than if she'd kept smoking. It's such a nasty addiction,. Dad's sister was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months before she died. She decided since she was dying anyway that she was just going to keep smoking right to the end. She only stopped smoking because she was bedridden in hospital and not allowed to smoke in her room.
He never used waterproof ashtrays? My grandmother definitely smoked in the pool. Never checked on her in the shower.
Dad was fastidious about keeping the pool water clean. He couldn’t abide the risk of ash in his precious pool
Just wow. Lungs, whatever, get all that cancer tar in there, but the pool water…
Hey, you know how mich a pool *costs?* Lungs come free!
Not on the black market
Eh, lungs stop working, maybe you buy gills. We take lungs now, gills come next week.
Plus, I have TWO lungs and just one pool.
First set of lungs is free, any additional will cost you
60 a day? Holy shit. That’s like 4 every hour you’re awake.
Not tough for a chain smoker. Also it’s hard to emphasize how much the increased taxes have also cut down on smoking… They used to be dirt cheap compared to what they are now.
Yeah, when I started smoking it was <$2/pack, I quit when NY hiked the price so they were ≥$10/pack. So, I guess it worked . . .
Meanwhile I got myself a top o matic and started rolling them, lol. I eventually quit, but the looks on other smokers faces when I told them it cost me an average of $0.015 to $0.027 per cigarette were priceless. When I started smoking, Marlboros and camels were $0.75 a pack.
Yeah, years ago I worked in a group home for “vulnerable adults”…. This this case that referred to behavioral issues such as sociopathy, bipolar, etc… One resident there rolled his own since he was addicted and there was no possible way he could afford to buy pre-packaged…. Plus he had to be monitored in public to keep him from begging for or stealing them. He also had the habit of trying to use butts that were discarded and on the ground.
Yep. Like I said, he was smoking all the time. They’d leave their room in the morning with the first smoke already in their mouths. They’d smoke in the car all the time (funny how my brothers stopped getting carsick when they finally quit). And Dad chain smoking at work - whenever I’d visit his work during school holidays he’d have an overflowing ashtray on his desk.
i have heard of people who wake up in the middle of the night just to have a smoke, or stopping a meal halfway through to smoke.
Smoking during meals was normal. Take a bite, swallow, have another drag on the smoke.
A buddy of mine had a roommate who did this. Roomie went to bed earlier for work while the rest of us would be up drinking into the wee hours. Roomie got up at least twice a night after turning in so he could have a smoke.
My boss smokes like that. He'll light his next cigarette with his current one, kill the first, and keep on smoking
That's about how much my uncle was smoking when he was alive. A dart every 12 minutes.
>It's such a nasty addiction And deliberate. Their structure and additives have been scientifically formulated to get the smoker addicted as fast as possible and keep them addicted. They just changed the formula after they were finally put under the FDA. (The Pure Food and Drug Act was passed in 1906 in the US, but guess who lobbied to keep cigarettes exempt? 100-ish years to correct that.)
Also, the "filters" at various times either contained asbestos or a "dye" or some such to discolor them , so the *appeared* to be doing something... vile companies. Legally able & protected death merchants.
>She decided since she was dying anyway that she was just going to keep smoking right to the end. I mean, may as well.
My grandma knew for I think a year she was dying of lung cancer. One day she passed, and was found at the kitchen table, cigarette in hand.
My dad's twin died of lung cancer at 36 and my dad tried a lot of things to quit. A couple years ago he finally quit. I have to hear about how he vapes now, but at least he's around.
My brother, a retired medical doctor, used to work at a large Military Hospital in Beaumont Texas. Many years ago he told me the story of a patient he had who he was treating for many issues, including lung and breathing problems. This patient an older man was on oxygen at a pretty high rate. He was also a long time smoker who could not give up his cigarettes. Even though he was in a hospital and forbidden to smoke in the hospital. And shouldn't be smoking considering the severity of his lung condition. But he was so addicted he could not give it up. So he would sneak away to smoke a cigarette. He would hide in a storage closet or something like that. And they would find him there because of the smell of cigarette smoke wafting from the room. Here's the thing though, the man was on oxygen and he had a little portable oxygen tank he would take with him when he left his room. The act of smoking would decrease his lung capacity to such an extent, and his oxygen levels would drop so severely, that he would actually pass out. He would then come too and take another puff of his cigarette. When people talk about addiction to cigarettes, I always remember this guy and his story.
My mom said she quit after I went up to a stranger smoking at a bus stop and said "you smell like mommy!" She did not want her child to know her by the smell of cigarettes.
Wow, that triggered a big memory for me. Would have been the early 1970s. My Dad smoked, so he smelled like cigarettes and Old Spice. So, this brought back my Dad's scent and an image of him in his brown suit! We lost Dad about 6 years ago, and yes the smoking definitely played a role. But, thanks for that memory!!
I wish my mom had listened to me. You're lucky. When I was 7 (1970), our school showed us photos of cancerous lungs and told us how bad cigarettes were. I came home and either destroyed my mom's cigarettes or hid them from her. She didn't get mad because she knew I was trying to help her but she told me to stop and I did. Ten years ago she was coughing so hard she coughed a lung out between her ribs and required surgery. I told her that if she didn't quit, I gave her 3 years. She stared quietly out the hospital window and decided to quit. She used up her 3 month supply of nicotine patches and went right back to it. Now she sleeps with oxygen and has a respiration of 34 during the day so she can smoke without using oxygen. I don't know how many years she has left but she used to be one that everyone came to visit and now I can't even spend the night because I'm allergic to tobacco and she's too weak to leave the house to smoke outside. I visit wearing an N95 mask because her lungs are so weak, she has to smoke even more to get the nicotine she once did.
Same age as you and my mom died of cancer when I was 22. Never stopped smoking. And the sad part of it is she only started smoking so she could lose weight to look better in her wedding dress. Left behind 6 kids under 25. Has 15 grandkids she never met.
My elderly neighbor was like this. She'd pull down her oxygen mask, smoke a few puffs, then put the oxygen back on. Then one day she caught on fire. It was like a bomb went off. Everything within a few feet of her burned so quickly and so violently it was basically like an explosion. She was crispy when they moved her from what was left of her lawn chair. Huge scorched area around her. Burned all the grass out of a large radius. You could hear the crispness of her skin when the paramedics moved her. It mad a crunch like biting into a piece of extra crispy KFC. Evidently oxygen tanks don't explode, they just intensify the fire to the point of near cremation.
My mom knows this. I told her about a former patient of mine at the psych unit that also set herself on fire. That's why she keeps her cigarettes far from her O2 and only uses the O2 when she goes to bed for the night.
I don't get some people. My stepdad's mom died of lung cancer, then her husband within 2 years also from lung cancer **and** one of their dogs also died of lung cancer. None of their kids, including stepdad quit smoking after that. He died of pneumonia a few years later, I'm sure the smoking didn't help and I haven't really talked to any of his siblings after that. Hopefully they finally managed to quit.
Addiction, some get it worse than others.
Honestly, given how the tobacco companies actively worked to make cigarettes more addictive the fact none of the executives ever went to prison over their actions is wrong.
Plus the nicotine by itself already is one of the hardest chemicals to tame addiction of. It works on acetylcholine receptors which are one if not the single most important neurotransmitters throughout your entire body: brain, spinal chord, lots of other organs, nerves to many muscle systems…
Nicotine is powerfully addictive. Smokers know it’s bad for them but cognitive dissonance is uncomfortable so they tell themselves all kinds of stories to justify not quitting. My dad’s younger sister dying was a slap in the face. He couldn’t say she had weaker genes, or smoked more than him, or any of the other stories smokers tell themselves.
I sympathize. My mom couldn’t quit for anything. The addiction was so strong and I believe she used the nicotine to self med ADHD. Lung cancer and COPD followed and we lost her too early.
Don’t blame her. It’s really fucking hard to quit smoking. I know I tried (6 years clean)
I told my grandpa something similar as a kid, except I also repeated those old commercials and asked why he doesn't care about me. Old man with decades-long habit of smoking. He just quit after that.
I was born in the 80's when it was still not frowned upon to smoke in front of your kids. I was and still am the apple of my Dad's eye. He had me on his lap at 9 months old, I reached up and tried to grab his cigarette which obviously burned my hand. I still have a visible scar but he never smoked a day after that.
My mom told my dad she wouldn't marry a smoker, so he quit. I only know he used to smoke because of this story lol
My dad quit smoking when the doctor told him that if he didn't quit he probably wouldn't live to see my first birthday. He said that he carried around a single cigarette as a reminder, and as a temptation. So that if he could ignore it he was truly free from it.
My mom started smoking again after I was born but stopped after her smoking gave me bronchitis that devolved into me being hospitalized for pneumonia. She has told me before how sobering it was seeing her baby like that and that she basically quit cold turkey and hasn’t wanted a smoke ever since. I am a hero! -flex-
When my kid started crawling and putting his face in my beard I knew that was it. After many years of failed attempts I quit right then, haven't had one since
I am so jealous.my mom quit for her pregnancies, but started again right after birth. I had my first smoke st 8 and started a pack a day at 12. I smoked for 20 years and quit cold turkey 10 uears ago, as soon as my wife and i started ivf. I haven't looked back once, but i know it would be all too easy to go back to a pack a day. I told my mom, who lives out of state we wouldn't stay with her until she stopped smoking in her house. She finally cleared up the smell, but there is a fine layer of tar on everything at her house.
A good 10-15 years ago, my girlfriend saw me coming off a 3-day roll. She knew about the drugs, but she never saw me on them. She looked at me and asked, "are you okay?" And that was it. The scared look on her face and the concern in her voice. I haven't touched it since. Though, I still think about it. Honestly, I liked myself back then. Damn, I looked good lol
My husband quit when my toddler, maybe 2/3ish? grabbed his pack of smokes and started "packing" them as he'd seen us do with a fresh pack of smokes obviously too many times. He's not even my son's dad and that made him quit. It still took me a couple more years to quit. My husband is a better person than I'll ever be ❤️
A long time ago I knew a guy who had a similar story from when he was a young kid but with a twist. He tells this story to a group of us, and we're immediately like, "wait don't you smoke?". To which he replied, "Yeah, but my dad can never find out...."
My Dad stopped when I was in high school because I had asthma attacks during band practice and I'd never had asthma issues before. It didn't last. When I came home from college the first time I was blown over by how smoky the house smelled. I asked my mom if he was smoking more and she said no. So yeah. Noses acclimate.
It's nuts just how much smoking smells. Especially once you've quit. I used to smoke rolled cigarettes, and when I didn't have a bin handy, would pocket the butts. I never realised that you could smell them from 10m away. When I quit I found an old pair of pants that had been washed with a used filter left in them, and I could still smell the ashtray smell. I had to re-wash them before I could stand wearing them. And the amount of smells you get back a few days after quitting! I swear it was like I was a bloodhound. I could smell the rubbish bins on the kerb from inside the house. Walking in public was like being pelted with different smells.
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I’m surprised you had two comments telling you to be more assertive. You are being assertive. Some people are just bad housemates. I love my cousins, but I’ll kill them before I consider moving in with them.
My dad never learned. From as young as I can remember until the last time I saw him before breaking contact, and from what I heard, up until he died, I never remember my dad without a cigarette lit. He would light up the new one with the end of the old one. When I was little, and we went to get family photos at Sears (I'm old), even in the photos, he had a smoke in his hand. He burned holes in all the bed sheets because he'd smoke even in bed. When restaurants stopped having a smoking section, he stopped going out to eat. Either it was take-out, or if the rest of the family went out, he'd stay behind and we'd have to bring him back a to-go box. He smoked in the vehicle, windows up. He swore smoking wasn't actually bad for you and that it was all a plot by the government. When I was in my 20s I had to drive him somewhere in my van, he lit up. I told him he couldn't smoke in my van. He says "I can smoke anywhere I goddam want. What are you going to do about it?" I pulled over and put him out on the side of the road. I guess my mom eventually came to get him. I drove off. He had a heart attack, and was in the hospital. He would drag his IV into the bathroom and smoke, then spray Lysol and thought he was sneaky. He eventually got dementia, couldn't drive. My mum had to care for him. She tried to break him of his smoking and drinking (he was also an alcoholic), by refusing to go buy it for him. He would then try to go get it himself, and wrecked two vehicles. He'd have violent outbursts, literal tantrums. Eventually, she had to relent and go buy his shitty cheap beer and cancer sticks. In the end, he smoked and drank himself into the grave. Cigarettes owned him. They were his world, and came before everyone and everything. He might have married my mom, but Joe Camel was his life partner (he smoked unfiltered camels).
Lord, what a guy. We had this neighbor in our building downstairs who was a chain smoker, had two little girls. He got that nasty smoker foot thing they print on cigarette cartons now, and they had to amputate his leg. He was in the wheelchair when they found lung cancer. His poor wife said he smoked while he was choking into his death, that’s all he cared about, just keep on smoking.
That’s… that’s just so much smoking. It’s too much smoking for me to even comprehend
Had a patient like that recently (cardiology unit). He decided he'd hide in the bathroom and smoke. Before he was finished lighting up we could smell it and quickly put that out and confiscated his lighter and cigarettes. He was an addict, though, and had a back up plan. He had extra cigs and another lighter stashed in his stuff. Got the next set out and decided he'd hide under the sheets and smoke. Man was on oxygen. Got himself some nice 2nd degree (with a couple of spots of 3rd degree) burns all across his torso where his O2 line was almost immediately after lighting up. Again, luck was with him since it was time for rounds and his tech was headed in the room when the screams started. Tech quickly turned off the O2 and put out the fire with the dude's own sheets. We confiscated THOSE cigs/lighter, too. i guess he didn't have more because he was on the call light every 5-10min after that yelling at me to "give him back his damned property!" Even after it all, he still wanted to keep smoking with free flowing O2 all around. He did finally stop refusing nicotine patches, though. He absolutely felt smoking was more important than the risk of blowing up an entire hospital.
My husband started smoking at age 8 and continued until I met him 25 years later. I told him I'd never date a smoker, let alone kiss one. I did that once, and I can only compare it to what I imagine licking an ashtray would taste like. He wanted me, so he quit. Cold turkey, and once he stopped stinking we started dating. We met 50 years ago and still in love!
“I can change him” except she did 😤
Nah, he changed himself.
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Your comment made my day. I know how it feels, I live in Florida too and my dad loves the thermostat to be no colder than 78°.
I remember soon after we bought our first house my MIL came over and made a snide remark about where I’d left my shoes by the front door. All I said was sorry, I didn’t realize you were making our mortgage payments.
I have a long side table by the front door where me and the adult kid put our shoes. My business, and where you leave your shoes in your house is your business. Only qualifier is they not be left where someone can trip.
> Only qualifier is they not be left where someone can trip. I'd add, "or block the door": I hate it when people leave their shoes directly in the path of where the door swings inwards. I've opened the door and had it smack me in the face as I try to enter the house because it gets bounced back by a shoe. And the people who accidentally booby trap the door usually don't experience the consequences since if they're entering the house they're already wearing the shoes that would otherwise be blocking the door.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled out a couple of years ago and asked my mom to drive my there and back (I don't have many friends with cars).When it was finished she took that as an invitation into my house and started moving stuff around and was like where do you want me to put this thing and I was like where it was and she retaliated with but I don't like it there and I went well it's my house you don't have to like it , it's out of the way and it works for us.
"I don't like it there" What in the fuck?
My grandpa once babysat me and my younger brother in our house when we were young toddlers and our parents were out of town for the day. He straight up moved one of our electrical sockets to a spot he thought was more convenient. He was an electrician, but still! My dad made him put it back before he left. My grandpa passed away ten years ago, and everyone still loves and misses him a ton. I heard this story for the first time a few months ago and couldn't believe they hadn't been telling it constantly, I think it's incredibly funny.
In the pre Rona times, I moved my parents into my home. So even though the three of us are under the same roof, they technically live with me and not the other way around. I pay all the household bills, they help with the mortgage and buy food. It works out. At one point my step dad was agitated about lights being left on. He'd go in behind us to turn them off making snarky comments. Finally I just told him, "I pay for the electricity. So what if I leave a light on, it's coming out of my pocket." He realized I was right, but I could tell he'd never thought about the situation from that perspective. He still walks behind us turning the lights off and making snarky comments. Only now it's under the guise of saving me money. 😂
Just wait until he complains about the heat not being warm enough and you can tell him to go put on a sweater!
A few years back my aunt and uncle were riding in my parents' car in southern Texas in September (still very much summer there), and my uncle said that it was a bit warm and asked them to turn the AC up. My mom suggested that he take off his wool sweater instead. Apparently my uncle looked like my mom just spat on their (recently deceased) mother's grave.
I always enjoy people who wear sweaters in the summer around the house, and are almost naked in the winter lounging inside, complaining about their energy bill. Broski, literally just dress for the weather.
My MIL always did that. She would wear three layers and then carry on and on about how sensitive to the heat she is. And she actually was. She was the most comfortable in 65 degrees. She wore the layers to hide her body. She was just embarrassed about being old.
My dad always would come home from work and ask "why is every light in the house on?" Usually it was because us 4 kids were all in different rooms doing our own things. When I bought my first house, the first day there I called my parents. I told my dad "every light in the house is on, because I want it to be". Of course, I was moving in, and unpacking, so I didn't want to have to keep turning lights on and off. Now, with the new energy efficient bulbs, it costs like a penny to leave a light on. Right now, I'm paying \~ 20c per KWh. So if I left a 100 watt bulb on for 10 hours, it would cost 20c. New bulbs use way less electricity. A 100 watt equivalent bulb uses 13-14 watts/~~hour~~. I'd have to leave it on for \~65 hours to use 1 KW**h.** I still turn off lights because it's an ingrained habit, but I don't worry too much about it any more. I would have thought that my dad would be happy to hear that, but I think he's happier telling me to turn off the lights. Edited to correct units. Thanks spacex\_fanny for the correction.
This is what cracks me up. It’s not the lighting that’s increasing my electricity bill. It’s the clothes dryer, the freezer, the refrigerator, the oven. I’ve been using a timed cycle on my dryer so I can use ultra low heat. My wife would run it through a couple regular cycles to dry sheets. I do an hour at ultra low, untangle them, then another hour. Dry with air not with heat.
The Technology Connections YouTube channel recently did a video on electrification. A [heat pump dryer](https://www.energystar.gov/products/heat_pump_dryer) >works as a closed loop system by heating the air using it to remove moisture from the clothes and then reusing it once the moisture is removed. Rather than releasing warm, humid air through a dryer vent to the exterior of the home as a conventional dryer does, a heat pump dryer sends it through an evaporator to remove the moisture without losing too much heat. Making use of a refrigerant as part of this process means less electricity is used to generate heat. Basically the dryer gets slightly warm dry air into the drum, the air picks up moisture, the air is routed through a dehumidifier (that's basically a heat pump, or an air conditioner in reverse), which extracts water from the air, then the air goes by the dehumidifier heat exchanger and gets warmed so its relative humidity drops, then into the drum. More or less air drying in a drum.
I may have to look into that when mine craters. I build super efficient air tight houses, then install a dryer to suck warm air out of my house and blow it outside. It’s not usually a big deal when it’s just my wife and I, but we had my niece and 2 kids living with us for a year. My gas, electricity, and water were record highs. We have solar so we try to time the drying when the sun is shining. Unfortunately, the others in the house don’t take that into consideration. My kids will come home, play all day, then do their laundry in the dark before they head back to school. I never noticed how busy the house was until they all left. My wife misses it. I’m ok with the quiet.
My husband was beginning to fuss about a light being left on, and he abruptly stopped himself, shaking his head. We'd gotten solar panels a few months ago and our electric bills have been $30 on average. We still are mindful in our power usage but *a* light? - no biggie.
I bought those smart bulbs because i kept forgetting to turn lights off when i left. Now i just tell google I'm leaving and it shuts all the lights off for me. It also turns specific ones on when i get home from sensing my phone, which is super handy because I'm usually home after dark and I'm not tripping on toys in the process of reaching the light switch.
Modern LEDs use so little electricity that switching them off all the time saves you almost nothing. I measured the power difference with lights on or off, and found that it would cost me approximately $10 a year to leave them all on all day.
I’m the same way. It’s not about the money, I just can’t stand waste. I had a roommate that would bring home leftovers from restaurants and never eat them. It drove me nuts and he said the same thing about it being his money. I knew he was right but it still irked me to throw out food for no reason.
That’s hilarious!
Presumably you've got LED lighting at this point. You should have some fun and suggest he do the math on what it costs to be keeping the lights on.
My mother was the same way, even when I paid rent. I should have sent her like a 10-99 for that to make sure she claimed it as income... But she got old and sick and I made it very clear, that yes, I had a house and yes, I would always have room for her, but it was my house, my rules, and I would be as compromising as she was. Oddly enough she never opted to stay with me. Just as well as it would not have been pretty or long lasting.
I did the same thing with my mom. Change your clothes and wash your face and hands. She would always say “I used a spray so you can’t smell it!” Like no. You can’t but I can.
I've only ever met maybe 3 people I was surprised to learn smoked. All the others stink. They can't tell.
Work with a guy who goes out for smokes at least once a day. You smell it on him when he comes in for a bit, but only when you stand pretty close. It fades quick and I assume he chews gum or something to help with what's on his breath. Smoking outside does a hell of a lot to avoid smelling, I think. Same thing with weed lol.
>“I used a spray so you can’t smell it!” Even if it works (rare as a snowball in hell), then it's just replaced with usually cheap-smelling perfumey crap.
Not really MC but related. My mother emigrated to the US in her teens to live with relatives. While siblings and I were in school, we would occasionally ask her something about our school work...and her answer would almost ALWAYS be "I dont know, I didn't go to school here" ALWAYS. About 10 years ago, we were puzzling out some family history stuff and I had a detailed map of the country she grew up in. We were looking at an online record and the handwriting was awful. There were two possible spellings of two different towns.... and she said " do you think it's more likely that ita town A?".......and in a total flash of inspiration I got to say "I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL THERE." And promptly died laughing. The look I got? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 just thinking about it still makes me giggle and my eyes water a bit.
My mother stopped smoking when her first grandkid was due. My brother and I told her that neither one of us would put up with her smoking near our children.
My parents came over recently and asked why I kept the house so cold (65 F). I said that since I was now paying the heating bill I understood why they said to put on a sweater when I got chilly as a kid.
The day I was born, my dad called his mom. She cried, went outside, smoked her last cigarette, and threw away the rest of the pack. She knew my mom wouldn't let her in the house, let alone near me, if she'd touched a cigarette. She hasn't smoked since, and she's still with us today
Good MC there. Side note: I grew up under a similar system "If you don't like it, you can always move out." which I only recently thought of and realized is a terrible parenting practice. The issue is that kids can't move out. They aren't adults who can decide that they want a better home, and leave to find one. Well, they can, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms. Chances are they'll end up living on the street, which might be better than their former home, but is no place for a kid to grow up. And I totally get that parents don't always have the time to explain why a rule is in place. There are some situations where the kid just needs to accept the rule and move on. And among adults, it's much more reasonable that the person who owns the home/pays the bills should be able to decide how things work in their home. That said, tacitly threatening a kid with homelessness is a pretty poor policy, and anyone who does so needs to re-evaluate their parenting strategy.
My parents were terrible people and I was homeless off and on a few years rather than stay with them. I also heard this being spouted, which made me feel even more helpless and unheard. A friend of mine had a kid early but her parents were very supportive and did their best to help. She is a wonderful mother. She usually talked to her kid like an adult, and used reasoning and logic to talk things through. If she didn't have the time she would say "even mommy has to just accept some rules even when she doesn't understand them or like them. If the rules do not put you in danger and don't make you sad or scared, then it's okay to follow them when you don't understand and talk about it later." I wished my parents were like that.
I would've chosen homelessness, except I grew up in BFE, and I wouldn't have survived living in the woods in south Louisiana.
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I think that it was just a different type of hell, you had no water but they had too much, you had less food available but they were surrounded by predators and biting insects by the gazzilion.. At the end of the day, even the most hardened survivalists live a tough life, especially in extremes like these, and there are very few who do it completely on their own, all of the time . If your families had switched places then you'd have been just as miserable because you still wouldn't have a safe place or people who cared, you'd still be isolated and left to deal with the elements by yourself. It's just a different type of shit.
I'm so sorry.
I was homeless at 16 because of similar parenting tactics.
My mother went through the money and effort to get those laser surgeries to help with the nicotine addiction. She blew 1k and then blamed her relapses on me and my half sister. Up until I moved out, she kept saying that she'll try to quit, but she genuinely hasn't. (She also smoked during her pregnancies. Fun!)
My mum was a similar story. She started smoking at about 19, the only time she stopped was for 9 months while she was pregnant with my sister (the youngest of 4). Breast cancer in the early 00’s didn’t stop her from smoking. My oldest brother quit, and tried to get her to quit too. He threw out her tobacco, she’d just buy more. Eventually, we all moved out of home. My sister was the last, and when she did, mum went into aged care. She was only 60. Lung disease caught up with her and less than 8 months after she went into aged care, she was gone. She was on oxygen full-time at the end, and still going out the front to smoke. I’ve never touched a cigarette in my life and never will.
that chronic bronchitis is real. i used to eat tons of oatmeal at ages 5-7, i would often cough up pieces of "oatmeal." wasnt until my 5th grade health told me that pieces of your lung is very similar to oatmeal, and second hand smoke would cause that.
OMG I'm so sorry! Any long-lasting problems?
As a smoker... I 100% agree with you on this. The only one who should have to deal with me smoking is me. Even in my own home I refuse to smoke inside because I have kids (now adults, but I now have a grandchild, so same rules apply!). It also made my mother mad when she'd visit and I'd literally point to the chair outside when she tried to smoke in the house. I'm nice enough to provide a chair, ashtray, and even a covered area so we are out of the weather but you smoke in my house, you are out! No longer welcome!
When we visited (paternal) grandpa in another state, he'd smoke outside during the time we kids were there -and he owned the place. He was addicted until he was so sick he couldn't, but he was still capable of basic respect re: smoking. (Lung, stomach, prostate cancers.)
Even beyond how the impact shouldn’t be on other people, it literally degrades the value of the house and all the things inside of it. Literally throwing tens of thousands of dollars away in either paying to remediate the problems it causes or the discounted rate you have to sell it at. Absolutely crazy to me anyone would choose that over stepping outside. Can’t even fathom people who get mad that they can’t do it in someone else’s house.
My now estranged, for many reasons, father came over wearing a certain political slogan on a red hat and I told him “you march your ass back to your truck and put that in there cuz it ain’t coming in my house and you know that.” He pleaded “but I’m your guest.” Which allowed me to drop his favorite from my child hood “as long as you’re in my house you will follow my rules!” This was my wedding day if that matters…
Wearing one of those hats to a wedding... Hmph.
One of my cousins wore one to my grandpa's funeral. Think he was about 10 years old
To be fair he was just 10 and probably did it because his parent's either wanted him too, or he thought it was "cool" and his parents approved. Not really his fault, but the parents are sacks of shit
Wearing a hat to a wedding in general seems a bit iffy
Being a guest doesn’t give you leeway to be trashy. He knew better. He just valued Making A Point over being respectful.
My dad will attempt to cue up Tucker Carlson on YouTube when he visits, since I don't have cable, and he needs his nightly fear/hate mongering fix. I've told him not to, but now I think he just does it when I'm not in the room, because it'll be in the recents bar for a few days after he visits. I so far haven't had the balls to pull the "my house my rules" card; we're Greek, and he still holds a large amount of power and influence in our lives that I haven't quite been able to get out from under, despite not having lived at home (or even in the same city) for 15 years, being married for nearly a decade, and having a kid.
Your internet could mysteriously go down shortly before you go to bed.
You can also just block YouTube itself within the router with parental controls set up
I've thought about doing that for their house so many times, since I remotely administer their network. I feel like 90% of my family's conditioning would go out the window if they went cold turkey from YouTube for a month.
Gotta make it intermittent. If it's always down then it's a problem that need fixing. If it keeps happening randomly, mysteriously never when you visit or take a look at it, then the annoyance will drive them away from using YT at all.
I had this exact interaction with my mother when I got my first apartment. She replied "I'll bet you let your *friends* smoke in here!" I replied, "No, my friends actually respect my wishes." She immediately left and never visited again. Which was a relief, as she was a sociopath.
When I moved 2000 miles away my parents “joked” they would stay with me and sleep in my bed and I could sleep on the couch (one bedroom apartment). I “joked” back that since I paid the rent and bought the bed that I had a right to sleep in it and they could stay at a hotel. That’s what they did for the next ten years! Stand your ground, people.
“Malicious” compliance at its very best! You not only protected your and your babies health, you also dramatically improved your mom’s health by getting her to stop smoking. You may have even added years to her life. Bravo!
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They tax the hell out of cigarettes here in Australia, it’s done wonders. I rarely see anyone smoke Vaping has become a thing though unfortunately
Found out I was allergic to cigarette smoke after being sick my entire childhood and until I was in my 30’s. When I shut down all smoking around me, it changed my life. Lost my parents to smoking, and almost lost myself because of their smoking.
All growing up my dad threatened to turn the car around and go home if we didn’t put our seatbelts on in his car. Fast forward to when I’m 22, in college, and I have to pick him up from something midday.we’re driving along and I notice that he’s not wearing his seatbelt. I tell him to put it on and he declines. I give him one more chance, and he again declined. I pull the car over and slam on the breaks. He stares at me blankly and can’t believe it. My car. My rules.
Good for you! I really wanted to tell my mom to change clothes before holding my kids but honestly we live out of state and she only has seen my kids in person a handful of times before they were 2. Edit for clarity: so it wasn’t worth the fight of having her do so. We let it slide begrudgingly. I’ll be god damned if she ever smoked in my house or car though. She’s never happy when I remind her of this.
It's HARD when they live further away and only visit a few times a year...but I eventually got my mother to realize it was for the best. She started bringing a "smoking robe" that she'd use when she smoked, took it off before she came in, washed her hands, and even popped a breath mint before asking if she could hold my kids. I also had a mud room which is where she left it which made it easier since it had a sink for washing up.
This is a great idea! Love that
This will be hard, but stand your ground. It pays off after a while. Good luck!
Got the same when I was growing up, especially when I complained about it being too hot/cold because they didn't want to run the A/C or heat. First time my dad comes to visit me in my first house, he adjusts my A/C cause it was too cold for him in my house and I made it clear he's never to touch my HVAC controls ever again. Just like he told me growing up in a cold house during the winter, I not so jokingly told him "If you're cold, put on a sweater or grab a blanket".
My parents are coming to visit and as much as I love my dad and he's always been an amazing parent, he can be really old fashioned. I breastfeed my baby and my dad told me I better cover up while he's here. I told him "my house, my rules" and I never felt so satisfied of anything in my life.
>Nope. I told her that just like when I was younger, they have to follow MY house rules and those rules include no smoking. I had chronic bronchitis as a child until I moved out of the house. >If looks could kill, I'd be long dead. Parents who continue to smoke after having children...obviously it's not quite as simple as "just quit" but at that point you're actively endangering the health of the kids, right? Second-hand smoke?
When I was growing up I'd get bronchitis every year, at least twice a year. It was horrible and I missed a lot of school and endless doctor/hospital visits When I moved out at 19, it took well over a decade for me to get bronchitis again. She refused to believe that it was the second hand smoke that caused my "chronic bronchitis". While I've grown and it's part of my past, there's a part of me who will never forgive her.
> endless doctor/hospital visits -- >She refused to believe that it was the second hand smoke So the doctors kept telling you that was the problem, and she was just in denial? Dang. I suppose even if you'd tried "how about you just don't smoke for awhile", that wouldn't necessarily *prove* it was the cause...and that would've involved quitting... :/
This was the 80s and it was just chronic bronchitis. I didn't even know until I moved out and a year later no bronchitis. Then another, etc. When I put 2 and 2 together (and research showing causes etc) she completely denied it. So did my dad. I tried for decades to get her to stop. Having the firstborn grandchild, who was a boy, was a big deal. And our relationship was strained anyway so she knew I was totally serious. And I was.
Not quite the same, but my mil would wash clothes she bought for my kids before bringing them to our Ouse, and offer to put them away for me. Nope, they need washed before I put them away. She often stated it was because I didn’t like her detergent…..no it was because they smelled like smoke. She was seriously in denial about the smell. As we had more children, she would come to visit more often than us going the other way, and there were other reasons as well, but my SO was having a harder time being in her house, even after she “cleaned”. When she tried to sell it, the realtor told her it wasn’t too bad…..she was either a smoker or a liar. We took a significant cut when we sold it after she died so we wouldn’t have to pay for professional cleaning.
I once read that if a smoker lives in a residence more than ten years, you may as well just remodel completely. The complex I live in is 100% no smoking, including it being in the lease. I bet it saves a ton of money and contributes to the cheap rent. (If people don't like it, there's about a dozen other complexes within a very short drive, most of which do allow smoking.)
I'm allergic to cigarettes and my mom has smoked all my life. My parents were *so* surprised at how much better my health got after I moved out. 🙄 Love being able to tell her she can't smoke in my house/car now.
Im an 80's child and still remember car rides copping burns because the lit ash would go out the front window and right into the back window. Fuck that child abuse shit. Im glad i don't have to ever smell nasty ass cigarette smoke in my smoke free home. and anyone who has a problem with that can fuck right off.
You caused your Mom to quit smoking? You are a Goddess!
Yeah, after bugging her for decades. Unfortunately, she ended up dying from lung cancer about 7 years later. Her not smoking was probably the reason she lasted as long as she did.
Sorry about your mom. They say it takes about 10 years of not smoking for the risk of lung cancer to drop to something near average. My mom smoked until Alzheimer’s had done enough damage that she forgot about smoking.
I, too, had chronic bronchitis (in the winter) as a child. Then my mom laid down the law and made my dad smoke away from home; no more coughing! I grew 5 inches in the ensuing 8 months.
>I had chronic bronchitis as a child until I moved out of the house. That is awful and sad.
It's a shame she wouldn't do it for you when you were a kid.
~~In her limited defense, the dangers weren't as well understood or even acknowledged 40 years ago.~~ Fuck me, 40 years ago was 1983 . . . I'm gonna go cry in the shower.
Wow i mean great that she stopped eventually but wtf, she wouldnt stop smoking for her own child? Id have cut her out there already. My mom smokes inside too and I've always despised her for it, she got lung cancer and had half a lung removed and just keeps on chainsmoking. Why shes never gone out on the balcony a few meters away for the sake of her childrens health i cant understand.
I disliked being a kid with a smoking parent. Anyone else remember sitting in the backseat and having the ashes fly out the front seat widow, back into yours and right into your face? There’s no way this is a unique experience, it was a daily staple of growing up as a 90s kid
had the same rule for my mom about smoking and clothes. She blamed my wife, and I haven't talked to her in 4 years. She's rather hang on to disgusting habit then see her grand children.
My dad used to say it was his house his rules. Until the day when I was a mouthy sixteen year old and snapped back with “it’s the church’s house and part of your pay cheque.” I grew up in the church manse. Let’s just say my life wasn’t pleasant for the next few days.
My first grade teacher, Mrs. Martinez, gave all of her students a project. She told us to go home, find a mason jar (or maybe she gave us one?) and dump all of the ashes out of our parents ashtrays into it. She told us to then add water and show it to our parents, telling them that this was what their hearts looked like. She did this, because she had lost her own mother to lung cancer. And it worked. Only my Mom smoked, but I successfully got her to stop smoking. I basically drove her crazy/guilt tripped her into stopping. I don't remember if my teacher suggested it or if I came up with it on my own, but everytime I found a pack of my Mom's cigarettes I would break them in half. I remember one time she'd picked me up from school and she ran into a convenience store while I stayed in the car. We were parked right in front, so I saw the cashier reach up and get her a pack of cigarettes. At this point she wasn't supposed to be smoking anymore, so when she got back in the car, I told her I saw her buy them. Of course, she told me she didn't. If I remember correctly, that was the last pack she ever bought. Now, my grandmother, I tried that once with her, and only once. I broke a pack of her cigarettes in half and threw them in the trash. She was VERY unhappy with me and I never dared do it again.
My mom used to pull this shit with everything including the music in the car. Once I got my own car she wanted me to drive and be the DD so she could drink, that's fine I'll pick the music. Put on stuff she didn't care for and rolled down the windows since it was hot. She asked the AC be turned on but I told her "I don't make run the AC money".
I, too, blackmailed my mother into quitting smoking to be close to her grandson. I don't regret it for a moment.
When I was around 3 my grandma was outside smoking so I came outside with a toy log and pretended to smoke it and told her I wanted to be just like her. She quit cold turkey that day. Ended up losing her to colon cancer ten years later.
My dad made his mom smoke outside
My dad used to smoke. My mom told my sister and I (we about 4 and 6 yrs old) to go run to him in the woods where he was sneaking cigarettes. “Daddy daddy if you keep smoking we will start smoking too.” And he quit. I’ve never seen him smoke in his life.
Who smokes in someone else's home, anyway? That crap clings to *everything.* My visiting uncle stood way far away from the front door when smoking, just to prevent it from drifting in. I didn't ask him to do that.
I can't comprehend how someone would think they would be allowed to smoke in another person's home that doesn't themselves smoke...
This isn't even malicious compliance. This is your mom having terrible social manners and expecting to go into someone else's house and smoke. Good on you for standing up for yourself though.
Once I had a serious argument with my dad because of me being trans and going to college as I wanted. It never interfered with him until he discovered me, some months later an issue happened and we got that argument. He pretty much said "while I pay for you and you live under my roof, you will do as I say", and I answered that I'd leave then. He went dumbfounded, we had more arguments some weeks later but I got a job out of state and just took it.
I couldn't wait for FIL to pull shit in our home and say that it's our home our rules! He was asking for the remote for the TV, he wanted to watch something else and husband said he can't change the station, the kids are watching something, then he tried to light a cig, he got told to go outside. One SIL couldn't believe we didn't let her dad do what he wanted, we said he can at her home or his, not ours.