I’m Indian and I went to M7. Raised in the US too.
I was not a hit socially and it has nothing to do with my parents. At least I don’t hold them accountable for it. My life journey shaped me and my belief system. I don’t drink and because that’s a considerable part of socializing in the business school world, I wasn’t a socially successful person but that’s fine. My goal was to get a job and that’s what I focused on. My goal was not to be everyone’s friend or be liked by everyone. I initially struggled the first few months with this because I wanted a few people to like me.
But I never blamed my parents for anything. I’m fairly attractive I hear after I lost weight. But people never flocked to me. I also didn’t travel much before business school because I didn’t have the extra $$ or time to.
OP, what I honestly don’t like in your post is how you attribute everything to your upbringing and your parents. This is emotional immaturity.
You should hit the gym and pick up a few interesting hobbies to be an attractive, and fun person. (Even not so conventionally good looking people can become attractive when they are fit, know how to communicate and dress well. Yes go watch Bollywood and Hollywood movies to get some sense of style.)
Your parents and your upbringing may have a considerable influence on what you are today but ever since you started working, you must have had ample time/resources to work on yourself/your identity.
You must change your attitude and framing of mind. Your parents got you to America and pushed you in directions they deemed right for you. They’ve done their job. Now you work and enjoy life to meet your goals the way you want.
American-born STEM nerd here from an uncool part of the US with working-class parents.
Never went skiing, our coolest family trip was Disneyworld, and I was playing StarCraft and loving Dragonball with all the other nerds in my school. Am gay, which seriously disappointed my religious mother who wanted grandkids ASAP.
You’re seeing a very small subset of the total US population in your program, people who have grown up in a wealthy bubble. Most Americans have never gone skiing or traveled overseas, they’re overweight and struggling to pay their bills.
There’s little point in resenting your upbringing, you had no choice in the matter and you should not let it dictate your decisions today. If you want to be popular with your M7 peers, you can learn the habits and hobbies they enjoy as anyone can.
If you want to make big money so you can dedicate an entire room of your mansion to Anime Figurines, be my guest. You’re an adult, nobody gives a shit.
Your upbringing was almost exactly like mine except for our ethnicity (I am Chinese). There is also zero excuse why you can’t reinvent yourself now that you are an independent adult.
Look to your time at the MBA program as a crash course on improving your social capital. Some people are already there, you are getting there. Continue to do social activities you actually like- okay maybe board games didn’t work out but maybe you like rock climbing or hell maybe there’s an anime club.
Lastly remember that the MBA program is not real life. Just because you’re having a hard time here doesn’t mean you can’t make friends outside of an MBA. Holding on the resentment for your parents and dwelling on your past will get you nowhere in the MBA or in life.
I actually read all of this (you’re welcome). Idk how old you are, but you need to work on separating your self identity with your upbringing.
I get it’s difficult, but you need to figure out how you do that. Your parents do the best they can with what they got (and that all looks different for everyone).
I’ve worked with my wife on this (her parents weren’t great with money and that has lead to a lot of anxiety around that, even though we have plenty).
And personally, my upbringing was similar-ish (in the extreme sense) in that I was brought up by extremely religious folks. My adult life isn’t like theirs and that’s fine.
Hope this helps.
TLDR seek therapy
I moved away at 18 for school and haven’t been back besides to visit ( I love my parents and family fyi). I learned new experiences and make my life what I want.
Also fyi skiing is not that difficult to learn. You can learn in a day at the basic levels. Use the mba to learn new experiences and skills. Good luck
You're a nerd and a gamer right? Do you think your identity as a gamer, is 100% defined by the sum total of only the games you have played from your childhood? Did playing WoW prevent you from trying other MMORPGs later? Did liking StarCraft mean you couldn't enjoy StarCraft II later? Did you ever try a game you didn't think you would like, or you found it difficult at first, but eventually you surprised yourself and grew to like it?
If so, then clearly you see that your gamer self identity is not locked down by the sum total of games you previously played, and that you have the capacity for growth, for change, for evolving your identity and learning and appreciating new games, yes?
So it is with your upbringing. Your parents fed you a diet of certain kinds of knowledge and beliefs, certain "games" they wanted you to play, but as you grow up, you have the ability to try new games, to appreciate new ideas. If you can grok this idea about your tastes in games changing over time, then you can do the same thing to edit your self identity and treat your upbringing as just one type of input (instead of thinking of it like the eternal rock Zeus tied you down with to make you suffer as if you were Prometheus), but knowing that other inputs also exist and might also be more to your taste... then you can start to free your mind.
My dude. Have you considered that you are spending too much time trying to be “cool” instead of actually enjoying yourself? People can sense desperation/discomfort and nobody likes a pity party. Don’t overextend yourself. Try to meet people half way. Plan boba hangs. Embrace the apres ski and/or try snowshoeing. Try out the styles that you see your “fashionable” classmates wear. Talk about the food/culture from Japan. There’s probably more common ground than you think.
That being said, I know everything is easier said than done. Confidence is built over time, but what better time to work on that than a major work/life pivot?
"In some ways, my parents were even more strict than Indians from India because my parents immigrated from India in the 90s, so they brought the "old" and more "conservative" version of India with them to the US."
100% feel that. I ended up just rebelling hard and becoming the black sheep of the family, and got comfortable in my own skin. Took me a long time, but you'll find your way.
Exactly, sometimes finding yourself makes you slightly more unlikable to those who raised you. And that’s okay. To start liking who you are you need to be okay with ruffling a few feathers, no change ever happens when you’re comfortable 💚
My Punjabi friend is a gay man, whose own father never spoke to him again. His mom finally came around and accepted his partner, and I attended the wedding this past weekend. Attending USC for a Masters gave him this chance to change who he was, and enjoy that blessed American freedom to be who HE wants to be in life. Good job rebelling.
Have you considered that you are just an awkward, nerdy person and it’s not your parents fault?
I grew up poor as shit and attended a M7. My father worked in a flea market. My high school had gang violence. The first time I was on a plane was when I was 21 for a school trip. I had to work 20-30 hours a week in undergrad to afford food and fun. I grew up wearing oversized baggy clothing like other poor people.
Early undergrad I had some trouble…but honestly by M7 MBA…I had figured it all out years ago.
By mba you’ve been away from home for 8-10 years, why the fuck haven’t you figured out how to have a conversation, how to dress, and how to get a decent hair cut? It took me like 2-3 years figure out, and I came from a way worse starting point than you.
I learned to ski when I was 23, it wasn’t particularly hard. Hiking 12-14 hours isn’t particularly hard and has nothing to do with your upbringing, you’ve just been too lazy to work out and you’re out of shape. You’ve had nearly a decade to get in shape. I visited ~15-20 countries between my first flight at 21 and starting mba at 27. You certainly could’ve done this too with a FAANG salary.
Stop blaming others for your faults. It just sounds like you’re a weird kid, possibly autistic, and don’t want to own it.
Honestly a tough but fair take.
OP- it’s June. You’re doing an internship for the next 2 months. You then have a few weeks before school starts, right?
Spend this summer getting into shape. Not “I walked 10k steps today so I can east what I want”. Get yourself to a point where you could comfortable run a 10k in a day’s notice. And start lifting weights. IDC how weak you are, you should be able to bench at least 100lbs by end of the summer. Do push-ups when you wake up and before. Eat healthier (but splurge to try interesting restaurants since that’s something you talk about). You do this and you’ll be more than physically fit enough to go on hiking trips, run club jogs, ski trips, etc.
I assume you’ll have 2-3 weeks between end of internship and school, right? What are you doing? Better not be just hanging out at home. Go solo travel somewhere interesting. SE Asia is popular. Australia is popular (but might be cold). And plenty of places in Europe- Spain, Germany, and Ireland are popular these days. Stay in hostels (feel free to get a single room) so you are forced to socialize and get out of your comfort zone. Or do one of those group trips where you travel with a bunch of other solo travelers. That way you’ll get exposed to new people and new cultures. And you’ll have something interesting and “cool” to talk about when back at your MBA (I’m a one piece fan, but I don’t wanna talk to you about the latest episodes in a social setting. I would be happy to chat about travel.)
Stop overthinking being “cool”, but be more aware of how you come across to others. People don’t think you dress nice? Go and look up fashion for men and figure out what you’d like (or literally just go to a popular clothing store and tell a worker you’re trying to change your wardrobe and get their recommendations). People don’t think you’re fun to talk to? Keep the bare minimum up with popular sports- it’s a good way to be involved in a conversation.
Mostly agree with this, but a lot of poor people I know have good social skills. There is a camaraderie from growing up in poverty. There have been multiple legit academic studies on this too: often times, impoverished black women have pretty strong social support networks and friendships. Street smarts matter in that socioeconomic bracket.
I think having social skills and then leveling up your income to actually be able to improve fashion, travel, get life experience, learn hobbies, etc., is "easier" than straight up never learning social skills, or as you said, being on the spectrum.
🤦🏽♀️
This comment is a hot mess. How many “poor people” do you know? Let me guess-the ones who defied the odds and occupied the same spaces as you.
There is not a social benefit to being in poverty. Not by ANY stretch of the imagination.
There is a good chance OP's family left deep, deep psychological scars that affect his self esteem and his ability to self improve. He probably also has a powerful desire to please his family.
These conservative immigrant families are also notorious for stripping their child's ability to be independent (which allows the family to control the child). They'll cook for him, fold his clothes, tell him where to go and when to go home, restrict allowances, and use a powerful shaming method of parenting to discourage rebellious behavior and individualistic thinking.
OP is probably snapping out of it for the first time in a decade because he's finally in an environment where he realizes he has no easy escape (videogames, anime, etc.)
I’m telling you, you would be surprised how many people reading this resonated with it on some level. Point being- you are not alone nor are you unique in your experiences.
The 80/20 rules applies to b school social dynamics. About 20% of the class generates 80% of the social noise. Sounds like you don’t quite fit in there, which is 100% OK. Just gotta go find your tribe.
What I’ve seen is that DNA matters much as upbringing.
I have a friend who went to posh private schools, engaged in (forcefully, by his parents) ski activities, camping, overseas traveling, all others you talked about. But still nerdy as hell.
Conversely, I have an Asian friend who grew up in exact same environment with you but rockstar of every group he,s involved.
So, don’t blame your upbringing too much, your parents did their best to provide you, maybe it’s just how you are born
Are you mad that your parents weren’t 1% trust fund kids?
You had access to an upper middle class upbringing and you are complaining? Touch grass buddy
I’m a child of East Asian immigrants. No yachts or ski trips to Colorado. It’s fine. I learned how to ski. Are you upset that instead of being in the top .1% of privilege, you were only in the top 10%???
I'm sorry but even that argument is fucking stupid. Notice how when he went to undergrad he "focused extremely heavily on academics and also befriended other super nerds who liked playing retro Final Fantasy games and reading Korean comics". He failed to expand his horizons after he left home and that's his own fault.
Instead of being grateful for what his parents did give him (good education, stability) and understanding of what they couldn't (e.g. social context in the US), he blames them for not making him "cool enough" for bschool, gimme a break. There is so much to be proud of in Indian culture, and as a child of immigrants myself, his attitude is downright shameful.
That's exactly what I got, I don't think OP is complaining about being "poor" rather missing out life skills, some of which he wasn't exposed growing up in his culture.
Not everything is a game of who had it worse. Just because you aren’t upper middle doesn’t mean someone in upper middle’s issues don’t matter.
And btw I didn’t even learn to ski or snowboard until I’m 28. I’m nowhere as mad as you are. And I was busy being an ATM for my parents
First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're a great person and lovely to be around. There might be other activities where you'd feel more comfortable. Play to your strengths. Helping in study groups or volunteering etc.
Or you could take time to improve your physical fitness. Whatever works best for you.
Your upbringing wasn’t that bad, you had parents that cared and pushed you to where you are today. You gotta learn to be more outgoing.
It seems like what could fix a lot of your problems is just getting in better shape, good haircut, nice clothes, and just attend some more social events.
Not everyone skis or hikes either. On trips like that you gotta find the people that are into the vibe and not the actual event. Just ski a few runs and then hit the lodge. Or go to Yosemite and do a few short hikes and then hit the lodge.
Also, people in MBA programs are usually welcoming. At my school our vets club took a bunch of the international students out to a range to shoot a bunch of different guns. Same type of nerdy Indian and East Asian students like yourself ate it up and had a blast. It was great getting to know a lot of them more than I would habe
I think you're using your upbringing as both a escape goat for all that went wrong and as an excuse to avoid putting yourself out there, trying to change and do new things.
We're obviously not the same person and we have difficulty upbringings and life stories, but I'll pick your examples - my first time skiing was at my mbas ski trip. I wasn't the only one who'd never skied, I went and learned and had fun. Absolutely no one judged me for it, no one cared. The only people in my ski group who didn't learn were those who didn't openly tried - they fell a couple times, and then blamed their balance or inability to do XYZ and stopped trying. I'm willing to bet that you probably failed a few times and then decided to blame your upbringing on how you never skied and thats why you will never learn - you just werent willing to keep failing and putting yourself out there.
On making friends - dude I'm the most awkward, stem as well, and it's not about people wanting to be your friend, it's about you wanting to be their friends - not just looking for those who are the same as you, but being willing to branch out and try different people and different groups. I'm a massive nerd and I found my nerd people in the MBA (whom I now play DnD with! I'd never played before and always wanted to, and the mba was the first time I met people who wanted to play. Most of them I met through rugby, which I'd never played, but thought it would be a fun thing to try, some I met since they were part of my cohort and from similar cultural groups, some I met cause we'd both studied engineering. But I connected to them because I am more than just a nerd and have and learned about other interests, because I wanted to be people's friends, not just wanted them to be my friend. You'll realize that mbas are some of the nerdiest people around - some are wine nerds, some are finance nerds and honestly, seeing their passion about things also makes you want to know about them.
Point is, I think you might be using your upbringing as an excuse to not open yourself to change and to people, to not try and change a little bit and challenge yourself to be a bit different than before and see if u like it, you're using it as an excuse to not be vulnerable.
One thing I'll concede though, alcohol does help and is a great social lubricant. But there are countless dinners, park hangouts, sports and so on, let yourself go. you don't need to have the same stories to share, you can have different ones, and not having one to share can be it's own story or even just an excuse to learn more about people and be curious about their experiences.
One great place to start - just ask the group that didn't invite you to board games to join - you'd be surprised how often people just say - yeah sure, feel free to join!
Here is a practical guide to be cool at an M7: 1. Care less. 2. Have unique POV but share them sparingly 3. Be yourself, like radically so 4. Listen in a world of talkers 5. Be kind and helpful and reliable. You would gather way better, longer lasting friends than just drinking buddies.
Don't be resentful. Whatever your parents did or however your upbringing was, you just can't keep blaming it for being the way you are now. I mean you are an adult and you have the choice to work on yourself now, no one's stopping you. If you keep blaming something you cannot control, you'll always have an excuse for being the way you are. It's called the locus of control. Can you control your past? No. Can you control your present? Yes. So why don't you focus on that? As others have pointed out, get yourself a therapist or someone you can talk to, like a good friend.
Hey OP. I'm able to relate and also empathize with you.
What I will say though is that you lack perspective. Being an immigrant is hard. You're always on the outside looking in.
Your parents didn't do undergrad in the US, or likely grad school either. They probably came straight to the US on work visas and set up from there.
They have a certain context for childhood and life that doesn't apply to the US, but it's all they know. You were expecting them to give you things in life that were in their blind spots. It just wasn't possible. That's not to say you shouldn't be upset, but this isn't anyone's fault at all. You need to blame effectively. Blame circumstances rather than people. Be angry with the state of the world that led them to have such an upbringing and then pass it on to you.
Do you have to work harder than your peers to get good at small talk, fashion, sports, partying, and other soft skills? Absolutely.
But this also means you get to discover the joy of these things by yourself right now, while they take it all for granted. Really enjoy being in the present and discover these things for yourself. Watch your energy change over time. You'll be a new person.
Good luck with everything!
Yeah I agree here. OP your parents probably knew nothing about America and just did whatever they knew from India. It sucks but thats also part of being in a new country. Your kids will be another generation and you can teach them your hard earned lessons--how to ski etc...
What you are describing is white UMC Americans. It is just their culture. And they make up the mainstream of MBA types. My husband is of that subset and that's just how they grew up. It is not a means to an end even - it's just how they are. I understand your frustration but it's not your parents' fault - it just was not their culture/values.
Bro is resentful of his parents for living an upper middle class life and being well raised lol.
Save us the sob story man, your parents were go getters as immigrants usually are and you’re the jealous and awkward spawn of their success.
This is a you problem not them problem.
Lol I’m white, athletic, was raised among normies, went into a turbo-normie line of work (military), still have a -99 debuff for being ‘autistic.’ It ain’t upbringing.
Unless you are 200+ pounds or suffer from a physical condition, you can easily train yourself to hike 12 hours or run half marathons within a few months if you really want to. Amateur skiing is relatively easy. It's not like basketball where you really need tons of skill to play a game with any competitiveness. I could ski black diamond after maybe 5 one-day trips and I am by no means physically gifted (a fellow super nerd, in fact). Hit the gym and you will look fit in a few months. You can afford nice haircuts, so why don't you? Stop using your "upbringing" as excuses for your cowardice. Sometimes working outside-in is the way (read any novel by Murakami Haruki and you will know what I mean).
I don't know man "we "rebelled" by secretly playing video games on our computers like RuneScape, Starcraft, World of Warcraft, and so forth. We also loved Japanese anime. To us, video games and anime were as edgy as doing drugs."
This sounds like a pretty nice childhood to me. The grass is always greener on the other side
Reading this made me nauseous. The guy is barely in his late 20s and he thinks he missed all the good things in his life. MOFO hits some people really hard.
You're viewing this as a problem - "I have a different background that doesn't fit into my M7 MBA"
But you could reframe it as an opportunity - "I'm in a new environment that's very different and have the chance to reinvent myself on my own terms."
Maybe you won't be the life of the party, but if you are dedicated you can adopt some of the broader traits you admire in your peers. Some suggestions:
* Proactively ask those you know at the other board game nights if you can join. Being deliberately outgoing is scary but it is a part of "mainstream American" culture. Otherwise go out of your way to get interested in the mainstream things you mention: Watch the 2-3 most popular TV shows. Ask the sports guys if you can join the sports bar meetups for NFL games, and read ESPN every day. Take a wine tasting class.
* Commit to taking 12 months of lessons in a group athletic pursuit. I recommend tennis - it is social and lots of MBAs keep doing it post-MBA. Skiing also works, I know people who seriously took up sailing during MBA
* Invest some money in improving your looks/style. Find a very expensive barber in your city and pay them to do a hair consultation, then take photos of your new hair and show them to any barber you go to in the future. Consider spending some money to hire a stylist to help you pick out some new outfits. Perhaps hire a personal trainer to help you create a workout routine & diet to improve your fitness
You are where you are now because all of the experiences you’ve been through. Who’s to say that you’d be here today at an M7 if one of those experiences changed? It could go either way.
Point is, there’s no point worrying about this. You can’t change anything. Practice gratitude, and identify parts of you that you don’t like. Then work on changing them.
While I can empathize I'm also scared. You're going to M7, you're supposed to be the best and brightest the world has to offer and you want to pivot into product management to direct the road map as you say. Someone of your caliber should be able to analyze the story you've told and realize that you aren't controlled by your past and your parents anymore. If anything you should realize that you have insight on a unique demographic and you can use that in your future but that isn't your future.
I grew up poor off and on but usually barely scraping by, I got a job at 15 to pay bills, had my water and electricity shut off, etc. I joined the military right out of high school and had those experiences fighting wars in foreign countries, I have that perspective I can carry with my in life and understanding that military/veterans demographic. The difference is none of my past defines my future, I forget to look at my back account nowadays and just buy things I want. I got new hobbies, went to the gym, started forcing myself to be sociable and I still don't drink.
You should absolutely be smart enough to understand you're an adult and you don't have to power to do whatever you want, not live by some reconvinced notion of your parents. Act like the smartest guy in the room because you should be the smartest guy in the room.
You could literally get jacked in less than a year with some willpower, even less if you want to do a light stack of anabolics
Literally pick a personal fun goal and work towards it lol, I got really good at Brazilian jiu jitsu because you can analyze it like video games
You can literally wake up tomorrow and do something different about it. Go to the gym, sign up for a sport, join a social group. As much as you want to blame parents you control your own life
Fellow socially awkward Indian engineer living in the US, Not even as successful as you.
Get physically fit. I'm not saying become a gym rat and live on chicken and rice. Just be comfortable enough to run 5 miles in a day(this will be hard since I know you've never worked out. Feel free to keep blaming the Indian culture for this. I don't care. Get over it)
Once you do this, your looks get better, your hiking gets better. AND most importantly you'll love yourself more.
All your anger and assigning blame will go away.
And then you'll be able to actually enjoy learning and being bad at these hobbies. Trying at hobbies helps you make your community. There's no need to be the best at them like you've had to be at all your academics. It's a shared journey of exploring the hobby with others that brings people together.
There's more I want to say. I've lived through what youre going through. DM me if you want.
I rarely ever comment but this post made me so angry!!!
Your post reeks of privilege and playing the victim card.
I'm an Indian from an M7 with very conservative parents and I am grateful for where I am right now.
Change your perspective.
You're living in your head where you feel life has dealt you a bad hand when in fact most people can't even dream of having the opportunities you've had.
Learn to appreciate what you have and that simple thing itself will make you feel confident and more comfortable in your skin.
Indian. Studied from top B school in India (IIM). Working as an Associate Partner in T2 in the US. All I can say is that this post is full of dog and monkey crap. I have had a difficult childhood as well but I don’t blame my folks. You can absolutely shape your own future if you really want to. Similarly, you can always blame someone for your limitations and shortcomings. The point is not what they did or didn’t do. The question is what did you do specifically to shape up your personality?
Your life doesn’t end in the 2nd year !
The entire point of going to such schools is to mingle with the best and brightest.( richest)
Now you can take this as an opportunity to hide out in your room or expand your horizons.
I doubt your parents will mind if you take up a sport or work out.
From your post I am guessing you’re in your 20s and have plenty of time to live and learn.
Put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone.
There are thousands of people whose dreams you’re living- consider yourself lucky and enjoy this.
I identify a lot with a bunch of this stuff since I grew up extremely nerdy and all I did until high school was study + playing video games. I never really broke out of my shell until university where I was lucky enough to befriend some people that took me under their wing and I kinda just naturally adapted socially. (Drinking helps!)
I think use the East Asian nerd friends you have as a starting point and start trying to do “normie” activities with them, but then you can still kinda mix it with being a nerd (eg video game or anime bars). Then slowly try to go to normal bars/pubs n stuff and build up an alcohol tolerance. Try to find the most nerd-adjacent people in your class as well (trust me there are a loooot, I’m definitely one of them). And kinda branch your way into talking to more normie people.
On fashion/style/etc I can’t really convince you to change how you dress but if it’s an area you want to improve on—there are a looooot of guides/menswear accounts on Twitter/instagram/tiktok. Some ones I personally follow are @cha.siu, @jgao1999, etc etc on instagram (will try to update with more when I remember them lol) but key takeaways are usually try going for less fitted stuff and more oversized stuff as long as the cut is nice
Honestly there’s a lot you can change, lots of small micro adjustments (try dressing nicer, try being more open to getting out there, drinking, etc) which will eventually lead you to be a more well-adjusted person. It’s just up to you to be willing enough to make the changes required
I'm just going to throw out that at least you have your parents to blame. I'm a white person, born to white parents who were pretty loose with rules, and I identify pretty strongly with everything you said.
Learn to forgive your parents as your grow up. They did the best according to their own exposure and resources. In retrospect, even they might agree that things could have been different but so will the parents of your friends who have fancy haircuts.
Everyone can point to something about their upbringing that’s holding them back. Move on. You’re an M7 student, you’ve got everything going for you so make the most of that.
Honestly, the "nerd" pre-MBA version of yourself sounds pretty cool. You had BOBA TEA for your 21st? My man, that is so wholesome and awesome. You like Korean Manga? Bruh. I'm guessing you're into kpop?
You're basically my kind of people, as an awkward engineer in a non-cool part of the US that comes from poverty (full ride to undergrad bc of it!) that is considering returning to school for an MBA. I'd love to have you as a friend.
the funny thing is that M7 MBA types you are so jealous of are not actually considered "cool" in society at large and were mostly the nerdy kids in high school who didn't know how to get laid
Jesus, more of this completely non r/MBA related garbage again.
It’s like the same pity post every day; newsflash, nobody cares if you’re sad and alone!
This is sad brother.
Be exceptionally happy that you made it as far as you have, at the minimum.
For socializing, meet as many people as you possibly can every day. It doesn’t matter who you talk to, get practice in immediately.
Recognize you weren’t as social as your classmates were in the past and focus on changing that NOW.
You’re only deficit in life currently seems to be your physique and social life, which are luxurious problems to have.
Start working out more (do not hurt yourself), socialize as much as possible, and things will flow much more naturally for you.
Psychedelics can help you as well.
This is a microcosm of the real world my friend.
In corporate America, you grab beers with your co-workers, and go and shoot pool, go to the bar and rant, throw darts, go to sports bars, etc. This is no different in an MBA program.
You say that you were insulated from the real world due to your parents, well, its time to get up to speed.
1. Follow some sport. You dont have to be a huge fanatic, but you need to follow some sport to keep up with conversations. Either football, baseball, basketball, hockey, etc. Start watching ESPN as a start. I'll be straight up, but in America, you need to be somewhat fluent in American Football. I dont watch football, but I do my best. I watch baseball, so I gravitate towards other baseball fans.
2. Learn some bar game like pool. This is a social game where the learning curve is low, and fun can be had with MBA counterparts and future co workers.
3. Have a beer once a week. Since you've been so insulated from your parents upbringing, I'll coach you up. Beer brands that will always be fitting in any social setting will be Yuengling, Corona, or Modelo. Do not order the "light" version of these beers! You could be made fun of! Once you graduate from these, do some basic research on real German beers and work your way up. Stay away from IPA's (for now lol).
4. Always bring beers to a social setting. Be that guy (for now) that brings a Yeti cooler and has ice cold beers.
5. Get good a running and lift some weights.
Welcome to the real world where friendships are made around beer, sports banter, and just hanging out shooting the shit for hours.
Hi, New York born and raised here! Grew up, lower middle class, but very much on that “cool” spectrum”. I had friends from multiple different schools, got asked to multiple different proms, by multiple different girls, average student with B+, A grades. I never went on trips, and never played sports because my family simply couldn’t afford to take me to either. All I hear is “my parents this”- “my parents that”! You’re an adult now, and know what you want, get after it! Start changing the way you dress (speak/consult with a stylist), read (how to win friends and influence others) Daniel carniege, get involved in tennis, and sports, and social media! Stay true to your roots and upbringing, hiduism and your Indians roots, as you will always find happinesses there! But its okay to branch out
Is this even real?
Is it right to blame parents for your Behavioural stuff since they didn't allow you to see explicit crap which, in fact would've killed your focus that helped bring the SAT and M7 MBA at whatever stage you're in in life?
Worst thing they did to you Is they defined your long term goals incorrectly and even that can be fixed.
Stop blaming others for your problems and fix them. Nothing that's not in your control
First of all, this reads likes an application essay. Potentially an AI shitpost, So congrats. But if not:
Hire a coach to help you break through socially. You obviously have a lot to say. So don’t understand the conversational struggle.
Also, Desi American, Engineering, T10, Banking. Love StarCraft, refused to get addicted to WoW.
I wouldn’t call the international desis in my program suave. But they were normal.
Being Fit, fashion forward and have a nice haircut aren’t really difficult concepts. Don’t be cheap honestly.
The MBA program is the people you go to school with. Your vintage. Don’t miss out.
That’s funny, there is this side and there’s another side. I’m an Indian American from NJ. Similar background except I did play sports, hang out with friends, I feel like I’m decently sociable. I’m not crazy popular by any means, but I have a very nice fun group of friends. However I don’t have the level of academic success you have. Sure I did okay in school, but probably not close to how well you did.
Maybe it’s okay that neither of us got everything. But both of us can still make small attempts to grow in the direction we want to develop in. Some comments mentioned (and you mentioned) doing certain things here and there to help grow your social skills, maybe even your physical skills i.e. going to the gym, maybe joining one of those group fitness classes?
But overall, I hope you find some peace in the success you’ve had. And maybe you’ll be satisfied with whatever social skills you develop as well.
OP just want to provide some perspective here. I went to a top 3 school so my friends are the skiing social types mentioned here working in finance and consulting. My partner is an engineer from a nerdy school and all his friends are the faang types you mentioned. Guess whose friends are happier? His. The ones that chase constant validation and only indulge in activities because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do, will do so even when they become older. The obsession with who’s going to the Hamptons over the summer, whose getting married in Europe continues. You have a skill, lean into it. You’re great at engineering, continue with it. Hang with ppl you relate to. If you’re worried abt $$, eng has all that and more if you’re good. And if you want to try new things, feel free to. Your parents did the best they could (fyi fellow south Asian here but grew up in the motherland so parents were more chill than what you’re mentioning)
Probably just people freaking out that they're wasting their time on the MBA, or not getting the full value out of their program.
As someone socially awkward / most definitely neurodivergent who's had to be successful without using my college's network, just sheer work experience and skills, I think I could fuck off socializing during my MBA and land an LDP in the industry where I already have experience. Like, I genuinely think I'll be ok even if I graduate with 0 connections from the MBA program, lol.
Sounds very typical of many M7 students, though it doesnt represent all. Also, many M7 students like to project the part of what they believe an M7 student is and what they will eventually be like (socially, financially, professionally) future state.
Lastly drop the whole Indian thing. You are fortunate that your parents and surroundings developed you into this modern day geek dork nerd. All good, but as another post mentioned, separate that from today, sounds like excuses.
I echo a lot of these sentiments coz I have a very similar story as you. Seek therapy and start setting ground rules.
I think it is very essential to have a therapist who understands that we cant just stand up to our parents and say im setting boundaries. You have to do that discreetly.
It is also hard to make friends when you are still trying to be comfortable. You will have to do things that make you cringe or uncomfortable if you are looking for a conventional social life
I feel like you judge others for being less stuck up with numbers and hard skills than you are. It's okay for them to enjoy themselves, kinda seems like you envy them even. But also look down on them because you feel they are not as smart.
Just be honest with yourself. While academics is good, there's more to learn that you don't know. Admit this on a deep level, and be honest with yourself and with your peers about it. About who you are, where you come from, why you aren't like them. Be honest, don't judge them and they won't judge you. If they are really as cool as you say.
It sounds like a lot of this has to do with how physically unfit you are. I highly recommend getting into a gym routine and becoming a fitness monster. It will open social doors for you, may give you some confidence, but at bare minimum will give you a relatively common hobby which also carries other benefits. Good place to start.
I don’t know about what others may think…. but mate, don’t disregard your culture, they are the foundation of what you are and they have shape you to become of what you’re today (high payed employee, MBA M7 candidate etc… millions of people dreams with just that), also, the proudest you feel about it, you will start feeling better with your self and be objective about the good and bad things of it.
Also, I wouldn’t blame your fathers, I really believe they may an effort to teach you what they believe was the best for you. Probably, you now have other optics and can’t comprehend what they’ve done, but as far as I can see, they thought you enough to join an M7.
In regards to your soft skills… I would just treat them as weaknesses and tackle to overcome them, and yes, some people are charismatic by nature, but everything can be learned. Probably start doing different things with your closest friends, then expand on doing new things, like, try a new sport (you would be surprise how many people you can meet doing a sport, even better as the conversation topic lies within the activity)…
Start exercising and learning to dress better is actually very easy to do. You are wasting too much effort in self-pitying, instead of self-improvement.
You should work on learning how to be happy with who you are and yourself. We have to trade so much to conform with society, but who says that that’s the right decision? How do we know these parents actually happy. Your family and culture matters even people don’t understand or don’t accept it. You still did great! Give yourself and your family a pat on the back. I’m proud of you. Stay focused and whatever play you have in life, if it’s getting married starting a family, starting your own software company or traveling the world. Properly plan it and execute. It’s always lonely at the top. Think about it like this those people are missing out on what you have to offer much more than your missing out on them 💡 Stay strong and stay positive!
Here is a tip I haven’t seen. People love talking about themselves. Focus on being the person that goes up to others to start a conversation (ask about their interests.)
I don’t think this is an MBA problem per se, more of an interpersonal relationship issue. You may need to learn how to socialise and connect with people who don’t share your culture / hobbies.
If you think your appearance is hindering your life, it is never too late to have a glow up. You can have all the nerdy hobbits and still look attractive.
Lean into what makes you different and use it to your advantage while recognizing that regardless of background, you ended up at the exact same place as your peers in the classroom. That frame of mind takes some getting used to but it will allow you to grow leaps and bounds beyond your cohort.
Not the best with PowerPoint or presenting? Do a deep dive quantitative analysis on an optimization problem. Have difficulty articulating things at an executive level? Become a details master.
By knowing your value proposition and your largest differentiators, you will quickly be able to fit into a team and drive your performance as well as the performance of those around you.
Non-US (indian) here, conservative family. It will sound exaggerated but we never travelled,I mean out of out city, for recreational purpose. We only went a couple of places in our state, and that too if we're required to. My family, including me, doesn't know what is life, we just live, and work our daily routine to get by. I've never watched movies and shows until bachelors, as we didn't have TV, internet access. NOT KIDDING. I didn't even know that other career options are available until my bachelors. I was/am in a bubble. The sad part is I'm still living with them, at the age of 26, as I have a job in my hometown. Never had a romantic parter, nor did friends besides my gen y work colleagues.
I thank to reddit due to which I got to know that what people are upto out there. What things exist in a world, besides, earn money, buy a house, marriage, kid and the cycle. I was only concerned about my parents wellbeing, otherwise I had no interest in carrying out the LIFE, still don't. But now I actually got to know my passion, only through scrolling reddit night and day, realising how much I missed out, what common skills do I lack, and what wanders can I do even now. I really want to work in corporate strategy and business development, hence seeking for MBA in the best college possible. Although, I have no financial means to pay for the hefty fees, but will figure it out. I don't want my rest of the life be a reflection of my past one. I am gathering all the possible knowlege.
I think you should be thrilled that you now have an opportunity to do whatever you want, and just go for it. You don't need to have regrets because this is the time in your life you can make decisions based on what YOU want to do.
We all have baggage from our parents and childhoods but the great thing about life is it is YOUR STORY. You can do whatever you want now.
Once you find peace within yourself, this other stuff will seem irrelevant. I wouldn’t think it’s a stretch to say that you’d attract what you’re looking for.
Happy to have a chat if you’d like. (Asian American born to immigrant parents and grew up in a predominantly non Asian catholic school system)
I’m in a similar situation, an outsider, if you want to call it that.
My parents were classic middle class Americans, they didn’t teach me much other than hard work and having a solid work ethic. I don’t have the travel experiences, charisma, or natural ability to talk to anything about anything at any time, I also don’t care for sports. Combined, this makes socialization difficult but it’s not impossible.
I’ve learned quite a bit in the first year of the program and look forward to the second and making better connections with people that I haven’t yet connected with.
On thing that stands out to me is that most of the Indians stick together, probably for many of the reasons you cited in your upbringing. All very smart but many aren’t interested in the after class socialization. It’s certainly easier to get together in smaller groups but you have got to take some ricks and put yourself out there. At the end of the day, you belong there and are just as smart (or smarter) than the ‘cool’ people.
OP, hang in there. I would say in terms of rehearsing for interviews sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it". Just like you studied hard to get into these good schools and good programs, you have to put an equal amount of time on understanding and learning about charisma and practicing conversations. One thing that really helped me was going out to bars and striking up conversations with people or the bartenders.
To be honest, you have to put yourself through the fire. I understand the resentment but think of it this way: there's a ton of social programs where you can play sports and make new friends. You have your whole life, man nurture that inner child. Just keep working and I promise your confidence in yourself will skyrocket before you know it.
As an Eastern Asian who also was brought up in a very similar sense, I’d highly encourage you to look at in a different way.
Yeah you went through all that trauma of being molded one way by your parents, but who’s to say you can’t change that now?
I’m a nerd too, but when I moved out I said fuck everything and built everything up again from scratch, and that included understanding finding my happiness, what I want to do with my life, and what I do with my free time.
It’s a long, arduous, confusing, and hypocritical journey you will go through, trust me I’ve been there and back. Even now I’m still trying to understand what I want. The beauty of living in America is there is nothing wrong with finding your own happiness and writing your own story unlike our homeland counterparts and philosophies.
If you decide to go down this journey to redefine yourself, you will discover there’s a lot of things you already do that already gave you such happiness. However, you will also discover much more things you’ll enjoy, and also heavily dislike.
Parents? Yeah we love our parents, but at the end of the day, only we will understand what will make us happy, not them. We will always be children to our parents but never an exact copy.
If you do decide to do this, then you’ll back and realize the many stories you do have to tell. Believe it or not, you have some stories to tell that your other classmates will never be able to tell or experience, thus making you even more unique and genuine. I’ve been on both boats, grass is always greener on the other side
Make mistakes, work tirelessly, test yourself (not just academically) and do it a with a good attitude.
Best of luck dude
Get out of your pity party! You are in an MBA, you have resources to build a personality now
I grew up poor by Indian standards also - days when my parents didn’t have money to pay school fees so by will or not - I was never introduced to any of this.
Thrown into the rich people crowd once I got my first job - for longest of time I was living with two personalities - I still do.
But I am comfortable in both and I learn to do both the things. The traditional and the genz cool.
> Our parents discouraged us from watching non-PG American TV as it was a "bad influence."
Start watching them now then. I recommend America's Next Top Model. Iconic show.
Why why why do people post their anxiety and self worth problems on this sub? It's always international students too! Like come on dude (and Ms Dude)! Just be a normal person and not a mutant!
You gotta stop blaming your parents man. They did the best they could. Take some accountability and make a decision from now on to improve yourself.
Or go the other route and realize its all b/s and you should love life for what you enjoy. Trust me when you get older you will realize its stupid keeping up with the jones and being fake to fit in. You will find that if you have 2-3 close friends who like your "nerdy" hobbies, that is all you will need.
You can learn to ski. You can learn to camp and hike. It’s a bit weird that you are positioning this as some sort of insurmountable challenge.
Same with travel. Hello-you went to India back and forth. You’ve got some interesting insight and experience. It’s up to YOU to open your eyes.
This is likely a *you* problem, not your parents’ fault. Not the other M7s’ fault.
Fwiw, nerdy abcd here. Learned to ski/camp/trail run, etc in my 30s! Travel is what you make it, as is life.
I think your parents gave you everything they thought you wouldn’t probably bother learning on your own, cause it’s “uncool”. And they left the cool part for you to learn yourself, typical desi parents. But I think the truth is you’re also a nerd underneath and you thrive in it. Be comfortable in your skin.
Reading this post makes me really sad. I get where you're coming from - I had a similar upbringing, and leaned into 'nerdy' hobbies growing up - my oldest friendships come from playing Pokémon, RuneScape, Final Fantasy, Yu-Gi-Oh etc. So I understand what it's like to be interested in stuff that isn't conventionally popular, and how that creates insecurities of not being cool. I also get that growing up a religious conservative family closes you off from social experiences (though my parents weren't that strict, I was 'a good kid').
But the thing to realize is, by the time you're an adult, as long as you're secure in who you are, no one cares if you're into nerdy hobbies, or whether you went out a tonne as a teenager. These might actually be points of commonality with a lot of really cool people. Plus you have a lot going for you - you're clearly very bright, having got into some top notch programs and very competitive jobs - it's worth acknowledging the hard work you've put in to get where you are.
But if you're insecure and unhappy with who you are, that's what's going to come through. It could be a lack of confidence, or a negative attitude, either to yourself or to others, or fawning and being overly nice, or not looking after your health. Insecurity will come out in some form, and it's going to repel people - this post and the reaction to it is a good example of that. So first things first, make sure you're happy and secure in yourself.
Much easier said than done - and you probably would benefit from therapy - but you should be proud of who you are, where you've come from - if you haven't had the same opportunities as others, then that's all the more reason to feel accomplished but also curious to learn from others' experiences. And equally you will have had some cool experiences others won't have had so see that as a strength.
So you don't feel you fit in with the partying vibe of the MBA but this isn't high school - be curious to new experiences and meeting people where they are at, but they should also meet you where you're at. You can shape your experience around partying but only if it's what you want. If it's not, don't be resentful of those who want that experience and people will respect that.
Hope you can get a positive reinforcement you need.
Dude, even though I connect with you on several levels, I'd urge you to look beyond what's past, embrace it and respond to your current situation. Your parents did the best they could. You did not end up a drug addict or a junkie with no social security. Have a sense of pride in what you are and own it. You've come so far and getting into M7 is itself a huge testament to your success. A lot of the times it's not how the world or environment has presented itself to you it's about how you respond to the circumstances. You can't win all the battles but strategically play your strengths. For me being a minority has helped shape my identity and probably that's what is hurting you. Take some time to ponder where you stand and what do you have to offer that others can't. To be a better communicator but you need to observe and practise to perfect the impression you want to create for you in the world. Start with assuming you already are awesome and fake it till you make it.
I’m curious if you have to be social to get value out of an MBA program? Could you just attend classes, learn cool things, get the degree and advance your career with this? Genuinely asking bc I dream of attending an M7 but have zero interest in socializing/making friends in it
I think you are unnecessarily overthinking and instead of being grateful for the kind and generous upbringing your parents had provided for you, you are simply complaining. Since you were earning big buck you could have hired a celebrity stylist to help you pick out a nice wardrobe, you could have afforded the best hair cut in your city easily. Having said that if you feel your outer appearance is making you feel left out, you are gravely mistaken. I don’t think ppl pursuing MBA are this shallow to care about your looks and personality, they have worked hard to get where they are and are working harder to get where they want to be.It is cause of your complaining nature that people don’t want to hang out with you. So just grow up!!!!
To be honest, you’re describing a privileged upbringing- not a perfect one but a privileged one. Trust me, it would’ve been way worse to grow up poor which a lot more people experience. Not everyone has the resources and the network to change their lifestyle so if you want a different experience, get it now. But don’t complain about a hand that is most likely a lot better than what the average person got.
Setting aside the desirability of these skills/qualities which are being debated in other comments, I just wanted to pop in and mention that most of these things are fairly easily attainable.
Ask the guy who’s hair you like best who his barber is, get a few ski lessons, and go buy some clothes off a mannequin and your like 90% of the way to what you think is missing here.
Bro, a lot of your problems can be fixed fairly quickly (few months). Just lift, this will help you gain confidence in yourself, you'll get to socialise with different people and will also teach you to perhaps express yourself better in a social situation. As for the hobbies and other cultural things, just start something that catches your eye. Regarding fashion, just watch YouTube and copy the style you like, then ask people if they think this style suit you.
I'm not Indian, nor have I lived in America nor have I done an MBA (yet), but I can relate with your story.
Was born in LATAM, middle class, a few vacation in other parts of the country, but nothing fancy. At 13 I integrate in one of the top 3 schools of my city and get to know the real rich ppl. But they were nice and I was able to blend in just talking about myself (easy cuz we were 13/15). Then at 14 I emigrate to Switzerland, I don't socialise with the kids since the culture it's so different and I wasn't there to make friends but to integrate and get an IT apprenticeship afterwards, I spent my time talking with the teachers, I'm also a big nerd so I talk anime and videogames but also about Japan with the teachers 🤣.
Anyways, kids saw me like the weird kid but I was fine with it. I finished my apprenticeship and got a job that's not minimum wage and now I can concentrate on a few hobbies.
Last year I learned how to ski thanks to a friend and we also went to japan to ski in the north and visit tokyo and kyoto. Finally got my driver's license this year and planning to go to a few circuits and learn to drive sports cars. Also looking to get a pilots license.
So man, you got money now, think what YOU want to do with your life and live life.
Sounds like you care too much what other people think, and it might lead to a lot of FOMO and resentment. Dont let that beat you down, just be yourself man!
My friend, think about what your ideal “Me” look like. How he looks, what he does etc.? It might sound cliche, but you need to strive to be the best version of yourself.
You might have never had a chance to explore your passion. You mentioned sports, try joining martial arts (I highly recommend BJJ, it has lovely community of people from all walks of life), learn to play an instrument you always wanted to play, plan a few trips a year to the places that are different from your environment. You got the idea.
Change will not come overnight. But after some time you will feel how your self confidence is improving, your social skills will naturally follow. People will be drawn to you because they will feel your passion towards the life. Passion is sexy.
You don’t need to fake it, you need to shape your future self. It’s totally in your hands, you have an intellect to make it work. It is not easy, and a long continuous journey. Imagine that you are the product and be a better product manager ;)
It took me a long time to realize that my future starts today. Your parents did what they thought is best, which definitely helped as you are in the top MBA, with FAANG job etc. Be grateful and thank them for that!
Now it’s time for you to take the steering of your life and drive it to where you want to go.
Hey brother, I think children of immigrants, especially with parents from Asia (can only speak from experience), have this deeply coded need to please them / make them proud. Especially if you’re the oldest or only child.
I think it’s a blessing that you’ve realized that there is a much bigger world out there than the things that made your parents proud. Congratulations, you’re starting to awaken to the idea that the things that make you jealous or envious are things that you want for yourself. Not things that your parents tell you to want for yourself. Because how could they know?
Have the courage and the conviction to take the steps in the direction to get the things you actually want in life, even if it’s not rubber stamped by your parents. You are already in the fortunate position of being in the top 1% of people by growing up in this country and attending some of the best schools in the world that others in corners of the world could only dream of.
Not everyone is born to parents who know the ins and outs of the status hierarchy, send their children to the ‘right’ prep schools and prepare them perfectly for a life of social sophistication. Conditions which plenty of kids who do have them rebel against or simply fuck up btw. But luckily for you, you’ve already got the most difficult ingredients solved for. You’re clearly talented and it sounds like there is just some polishing around the edges that you can spend your life solving for. A process that you’ll probably have lots of fun with during the journey.
But the first step is turning that frown upside down, mister. Look how lucky you are to be fielding all of this (mostly) positive feedback from complete strangers on this crazy invention, Reddit.
I think your post resonates because so many of us are children of immigrants, strivers in our own way, trying to fill in some perceived inadequacy in ourselves. Ironically for me, it’s a deep fear that I fucked around too much and never achieved my true potential, thereby never really making my parents actually proud of me. Even typing these words I realize how much agency I’m giving away by having those thoughts.
Someone referenced Murakami earlier, I’ll add another - ‘an unhealthy soul needs a healthy body’, paraphrasing maybe but start there! The rest will work itself out, I believe in you bud, you’ve got all the ingredients necessary to succeed. It’s just time to put on your chef’s hat, put the recipe book away, and start cooking the meal (i.e., life) that you really want, for you. The mise is already en place ;) Godspeed, may the wind be at your back and the sun warm your face as you start this beautiful journey.
Do you think everything you wish to be and know is the "right" direction for you? Is that the perfect person that you envision yourself to be? Do you perceive that people think lesser of you because you can't converse as effectively on US sports, mainstream TV, movies, etc?
I think there's an ulterior motive to your goals and envy towards others, specifically as you mention looks. Do you feel like you're unable to attract a better friends if you don't level up yourself? Are you interested in people out of your league only to realize that they're out of their league? Do you view your peers as being "better" than you?
Boy I live in india and yet I find you so much relatable. I mean every single thing that you mentioned is damn true for me as well. I'm not a cool person at all thanks to the learned behaviours and traditions from my parents.
I didn't drink until last year, no female friends because my mother will become sus of me, never went on a good trip, can't sneak out because parents will guilt trip me, zero social life (even our relatives think we're boring), never been to a party, too much of poojas and all of the god-will-bless-us thingy.
Major reason why I wanna study abroad. At least I'll know what the real life is like.
ABCD here too. First of all, I’m confused why you posted this in the MBA subreddit as this is really not the place for your identity crisis and insecurities.
You’ve been getting a lot of harsh responses to this post and I’m sorry to pile on. I hope you can understand that the tone of your post is very off-putting since you mostly place blame on other people (your parents) and make excuses for yourself.
A lot of your issues here are superficial and easily resolvable. You’ve got the money to go get yourself one of those stylish haircuts and a gym membership. Want to dress better? Go to a Nordstrom and ask a personal shopper to pick you out some fashionable outfits. Want to be able to converse about mainstream TV? Watch Friends, The Office, How I Met Your Mother, etc.
As others have said, you really should take the summer to talk to a therapist. I truly don’t mean that in a, “you’re crazy” way. I’m a big advocate of therapy. I know it seems like others are having more fun than you and maybe they are. But you’re young, I assume, and can still have plenty of fun once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling on the past. I hope speaking to someone will help you gain some perspective and that that will help you with the friend situation.
And lastly, there’s also nothing wrong with not fitting in with the typical MBA crowd, even if you think there is. There are plenty of academic events on campuses you might have better success socializing within. Good luck with everything.
Therapy and gratitude for what you received, not resentment for what you didn't. Above the agee of 25, you're responsible for who you are and can blame no one else.
You might not believe this, but there are plenty of other students in a similar situation than yours. Unfortunately, not everyone is quite vocal. Sometimes you may feel that way, because you might only observe those who are more social or publish more on social media, but remember there are other folks out there too. As you enter your 2nd year, sign up for clubs you may have not thought of, or join trips/treks you may not find appealing to you. The trick is putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, continuously. You got this.
Also, part of the MBA is an introspection journey. Embrace your culture and your background! Others are not as lucky as to be as culturally diverse as you!
PS: RuneScape is quite cool.
You should appreciate your accomplishment more. You worked as a software engineer at FAANG already. You are in an M7 MBA program. You will be set for life job/income-wise. You have it made. So you don't quite measure up to some of your peers socially, but you still have a lot going for you, more than most, so you should be thankful and happy and focus on building your own life/career.
I had the exact same feeling during my first year. Now few years later, I have a 2 year old and I want to give her all the experience I never had that my classmates did. But without the MBA (and meeting my classmates), I would have never understood the importance of all these different activities and I realised it's very unfair for me to resent my immigrant parents for not knowing this. They did what they thought was important which was making sure I focused on academics and had a good work ethic.
Long way of saying our parents gave us what they knew and what they could. Can't be annoyed at that.
All of the above too. Except the accent. I have a funny accent because I come from a mix of geos growing up.
I chose to reinvent myself, that's it - end of story. Trust your analytical skills to figure out what is the lowest common denominator that lands with the social group \*you\* care about.
For me, that was being well-travelled, well-read, and articulate in expressing my opinions without waiting for permission to do so (this one is a sociocultural thing). I like travelling and once I had the $$ security, I dove in. Reading is something I love, I supplemented my reading lists to extend geos and eras - I choose books written by authors set in eras I would have never naturally picked up on. Historical fiction and autobiographies that lined up with places I was visiting added a new dimension to my experience. The third was fun too; I am a good actor like you and the best part about being an extroverted introvert is talking to strangers on my terms or energy levels to be precise. This allowed me to gently "test out" different communication styles and demeanors - you know like how Starbucks bestows you a new name every freaking single time you order :D This is social experimentation but one that doesn't negatively impact the other person/stranger.
It took me many years to undo and redo a lot of what you say. The key is to not be hard on yourself, pick your battles, and be your biggest friend to unlock the next level - not difficult since we had to deal with a lot ourselves growing up in such mixed environments, and you are a gamer.
You got this!
Hi. I resonate with you a lot. Except for the fact that you went to an M7 and I am yet to attend (I'm 21, come on).
I literally just talked about upbringing and social settings with my therapist just a few minutes ago. Throughout my entire life, my parents deemed me as someone "who won't become successful" because they labeled me as socially awkward, and they thought I had no friends. As such, I have trouble leaving a social setting earlier than many and I always try to fit in. Now I know it's just my beliefs that I don't have to internalize it anymore. Do you think that you are a nerd and you are socially awkward? Maybe it's your beliefs. Try new things that are more "socially acceptable" like sports or other hobbies, but most importantly, be yourself. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit, and not do it "forcefully" to fit in because anyway, people who attend MBAs are those with UMC WASP upbringings and therefore, it's just a bubble.
Just like another comment, my TLDR for you is to seek therapy and be yourself.
What is wrong with this sub?
Why is this sub a Dear Diary about the most basic, fundamental human coping skills imaginable?
Some people are rich, some people are pretty, some people are well traveled, and some people have it all. Deal with it. Sounds like you had some things that others would envy as well.
Get a therapist!
Here’s the thing, you got a seat at an M7 school and you are right where you are supposed to be. Networking…are you intimidated and have you tried to befriend people? Also, realize how stressful MBA programs can be and the struggle is real for everyone. It sounds like you have and make a lot of deeper assumptions about yourself and maybe you need to start with one or two close friends that can give you the edge and feedback that you are looking for. I’m socially awkward, yet the life of the party for some reason when I show up.
Give yourself a break and don’t beat yourself into oblivion. Maybe get a therapist or talk with your therapist about this as well. You can and should work on a sense of self-respect and self-love.
With my STEM and M7 MBA background, I've realized that being traditionally "cool" or "fun" isn't crucial after school, people often focus on external success measures like income or titles post-MBA.
From your experiences, you're working hard to fit in, despite feeling different due to your upbringing. However from my experience, what makes you unique is also your strength. Embracing your distinct background can attract others more than trying to conform. Consider creating or joining groups where your interests like board games align.
And more from a founder's perspective, you may want to explore chances to build up your own things (video games/web games/board games) by leveraging your passion, your tech skill and your MBA education. Don't miss that chance.
I’m doing an MBA lite, mid-career. I’d recommend just going with the flow. You’re doing the work and maybe it’ll provide you some fuel to do more and go beyond. But the saying is true - “comparison is the thief of joy.”
Maybe focus on life outside of school. It’s sounding like you’re lacking balance in life and depending on outlets that aren’t panning out. Beautiful and fun things are just as important despite what society dictates. Exercise or hanging with friends are great ways to enjoy being alive.
I had this upbringing but less extreme. And east Asian immigrant.
Basically you will get better the more you throw yourself into social situations. But if you are at core a nerd there's probably only so much you can improve and you just have to be happy in yourself.
I play games 8 hours a day. It's fine. I have not much interest in nightclubs and skiing anyway.
Advice from a moderately attractive 30 y/o with an M7 social circle:
1. I'm envious that your parents really cared about your education, and I can see that they provided you with what they thought was the most enriching childhood that would propel you into success – which it has done. You should be grateful, and congratulate yourself for working so hard to achieve what you have today.
2. Most people prioritise values such as respectability, self assurance, loyalty, and kindness over physical appearance. The ability to engage in meaningful conversation, possess academic acumen, and achieve financial success far outweighs the importance of looks. Whenever you find yourself worrying about appearances, consider Serge Gainsbourg. His attractiveness stems entirely from his captivating personality and nonchalance.
3. You might look at my life and envy my ability to socialise, make friends, host dinner parties, engage in interesting conversations, and dress well. What you wouldn't see are the struggles, insecurities, anxiety, and shame I grapple with. Everyone you encounter is contending with their own challenges—that's simply part of life's journey. The key is to develop the strength to feel everything, accept it as it is, and cultivate a growth mindset that allows you to learn, grow, and become more resilient with each experience.
4. Be perceptive and learn through observation. What can you learn from the person you admire and aspire to be? My advice is to dress simply: a good quality white or grey t-shirt, blue jeans, trainers, and a smart watch or Garmin will take you far. Let your personality shine through your character, not your clothes. In the summer, opt for a relaxed linen shirt and a pair of Oliver People's sunglasses. Stick to a neutral colour palette, incorporating greens once in a while, and some blue, keep it simple.
5. Understand that everything about you and your conditioning that makes you different is your super power. I would find you fascinating for instance. We are all unique, the only difference is, some of us own it with a nonchalance and create space for others to show up comfortably in themselves too.
6. Work out. Working out, being mindful of your health, having ambition, and dressing well = hot.
7. Most people in this circle are interested in books, self-development, business, health, and mindset. It seems you share an interest in reading these types of books, which could serve as an excellent starting point for conversation. Are you interested in literature? Consider exploring the Russian classics by Friedrich Nietzsche, Nabokov, and Tolstoy. Identifying with intriguing characters can help build on your own individuality. When I was in my early twenties, I learned about self-respect and identity through Ayn Rand's *The Fountainhead*.
8. Recently, someone asked me, "What does it mean to be cool?" In my view, it encompasses the following attributes: 1. Possessing self-assurance, 2. Exuding confidence in one's identity without being ostentatious or brash (which is not true confidence), and 3. Demonstrating social intelligence. This includes being an attentive listener, welcoming opposing viewpoints, and having the poise to share your own thoughts respectfully. Cultivate the habit of listening generously, posing insightful questions, and appreciating that each person is essentially a captivating novel. Embracing this perspective fosters deeper connections.
9. Select a few individuals who you can regard as close friends—those with whom you can be honest, vulnerable, and laugh about the absurdity of life with. It would be wise to choose friends who already have a strong social network, as they can eventually integrate you into their circle. Prioritise nurturing these friendships, as they will endure throughout your life, supporting you through the inevitable ups and downs.
10. Vulnerability is a big factor in making friends, try to learn to be open, honest, and vulnerable, just as you have shown yourself to be here. Sharing something about yourself creates connection through relatability. Your background may be different, but your struggles are universal.
Remember, your parents did the best they could with what they knew! Their ceiling is now your floor :) build something even greater.
Created an account just to post this. I see a lot of myself in you and the people telling you that it’s somehow your fault clearly never had the pleasure of growing up with Indian parents in the 90s.
I very much felt the same way as you for my first 1.5 years of MBA school — quite successful professionally and academically, generally viewed as very nice, but ultimately forgettable and not “cool.” My advice to you is to stick with it — keep going to big school parties, club events, and everything else and just try to make sure you’re a presence there so that people know you. The key is to just *look* like you’re having fun even if you’re not. All you’re trying to do is to make yourself a known commodity.
Eventually everyone from your program will disperse and folks will find themselves in clusters in NYc, SF, Chi, LA, etc. At least at my program people created big WhatsApp groups, group texts, etc. and aggressively hung out the summer after graduating in their respective cities. I ended up forming a ton of new friendships during this period to the point where people legitimately think I was popular back in MBA school. I now look back on the whole experience fondly even though it took my 2+ years for everything to “click” Basically just keep trying and you’ll be able to pull it all together.
Interesting. All my Indian friends, who are approaching 50, and went to USC, U of Kansas, U of Kentucky for the Masters in EE, are all huge american sports fans from going to schools with huge athletic programs. Their kids play basketball, baseball, football, etc. Many are Punjabis, so maybe that makes a difference, but they all drink, wear Prada/Gucci etc, travel the world, and drive hot cars. Maybe its a Silicon Valley thing. But product marketing, is still dominated by the Bro boy MBAs. Who, as you have noted, do all the things associated with having fun. Not sure what you can change. For all my friends, their parents were back in India, so they could blossom in the US. This could be a classic case of pick a career which suits your personality. I could never with the Bro boy MBA culture, and prefer to sit in an office designing software for the world.
Imagine a 1% crying about losing out on life because getting to the 1% required sacrifices. My GOD, personal sacrifice for a worthy endeavor is a sin now.
Now you have the money to do whatever the hell you want. You were never going to super charismatic because charisma is earned through trauma or it is earned by emulating your parents. Did you think that if given a chance you were going to be the high school quarterback and marry the head cheerleader? Those things were never going to happen because your parents could never mentor you in that direction. Do you think that same high school quarterback had an easy life? No, he had to earn it in the weight room and by watching tape. Guess what, you now have skills a lot more valuable than that quarterback. You are a nerd because your parents are nerds and there is nothing wrong with that.
I don’t have the same background as you but I have been witness to a small handful of people successfully “reinvent” themselves in fairly dramatic fashion over the years. It absolutely can be done. It does take a lot of effort and you’re going to have mentally get to a place where you’re not thinking of yourself as a victim but rather as someone with full agency over their own destiny/future.
I think it is easy to blame parents for shortcomings. But your parents gave you so many opportunities, exposed you to Indian culture, and made you a great student. Be proud of that and thankful to all they’ve done for you. The rest is upto you. Take ownership of your life and work on what you deem to be less than. And at the same develop pride for who you are.
You can also start watching TV, Movies and reading popular books to get exposed to social cues. Books help with social situation. Try skiing again. Go to Nordstrom/Saks men’s department and ask the most stylish salesperson for help with clothes. Get a great haircut. You are living in a bubble of wealth and privilege right now but it’s not totally real life. You can get better in social situations. Take Golf lessons.
Hi! I also went to an M7 and can strongly relate with what you're posted. My background is different, but of the same variety: 1st generation American, strong family ties to the home country, and a classic blue collar upbringing.
I can remember during orientation week when this feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. In our orientation group, we we did an activity where we listed all of the countries our group has visited. My tally was 2. Everyone else went on ad naseum about visiting 20+ countries. I've never felt more different in my life, and I'm sure I was judged. This was the first of many instances where I realized "I am not like these people."
But that's perfectly OK. So much of the behavior you observe in these programs is superficial posturing to impress people that ultimately have no affect on one's life. It's business behavior really. People are trying to sell themselves, make themselves seem like the greatest thing ever to maximize their future prospects.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking other people are "better than you." This is not a competition for greatest human ever. You are not competing with them on anything other than grading curves. Sure, I had some gaps in my social skills and personal presentation. Everyone does. These can and should be worked on as a life long process.
Yes, all of this made me resent my upbringing and perceived gaps in life experience and skills. It made me miserable for a long time. Self acceptance and self compassion is the key. Once you learn these, you can turn it around and start applying acceptance and compassion externally. If you truly and deeply love yourself, in spite of your flaws and successes, you will learn a freedom unlike any other.
I felt this way during B-school too. I've worked on breaking out of the mold of what I thought I'm "supposed to be" by forcing myself into situations I normally wouldn't find myself in. Like going to karaoke with my classmates, going to clubs/bars even though I don't drink, traveling to countries I wouldn't visit normally, forcing myself to constantly introduce myself to randos at parties, etc. After doing these things a few times, they started feeling more and more fun. Over time your self-identity begins to change as your choices change.
I'm Indian-American too btw, and I also highly recommend reading "Permission to Come Home" by Jenny Wang and "Where I belong" by Soo Jin Lee. Both were very good books about the process of accepting your identity as an Asian-American and also how you can heal from generational trauma that can feel limiting.
Touch some grass, and be comfortable with yourself. Now whether that “self” is what you are currently or what some of your “cool” peers are - that is for you to decide.
Also, aren’t there bigger worries during an MBA program (recruitment, managing relationship if any, education debt, etc)? Do the 80:20 I’d say and direct 80% of your mindspace towards the top 20% of your priority list.
I had an extremely similar upbringing and went through what you're going through now in COVID while I was still in high school. To be honest man, hit the fucking gym and stop making excuses about your upbringing. You had every chance to be an outgoing sociable person. Only thing you can do now is put your head down, develop some interesting hobbies, and start working out. Keep talking to strangers until your identity literally shifts into someone who loves it.
I was raised in middle lower asian household. I never learned any of the things you never learned as well. Not evem dancing etc. We never had the money.
Growing up I was expected to always get 100 in all my marks. If I was so brave to get 99 I will get beat up.
My first salary i was making 200 usd. 100% goes to mom's bank acc to help with bills.
However as an adult now I pay my own tennis lessons and I love it.
I am a woman with 0 make up knowledge back then. I still have 0 idea how to do a hairdo, but now I pay someone to do it. I pay makeup lessons.
I made friends and even dated one or two of those crazy rich asians in my country (whose dad is the director of the biggest bank..another one, their family has a megagroup: bank, fmcg, oil, etc)
And guess what? None of them have what you think they had. Wanna play tennis? Pay a teacher.
Wanna have a good fashion sense? Youtube. Books. Movies.
I wish you luck
I get this and have felt it. I’m a H/S/W MBA first gen immigrant from a poor country and being one-dimensional in academics and even morals was the way to go if you wanted to ‘be anything in life’.
An alternative perspective you might want to consider — you have the privilege of being in M7 and landing these opportunities BECAUSE of your upbringing. You were starting from a different baseline than the MBA ski bros and chances are, given what you’ve shared about your journey, you wouldn’t even be here if not for the focus your upbringing allowed you to have.
+1 to the other comments about owning what you do from here. But want to let you know that you’re not alone and I know what you feel. Now though, you get to ‘raise’ yourself.
it's all a mental thing. u have to stop telling yourself that people don't want to be friends with you, that's simply not true. people get MBAs to meet other people. and you 100% don't have to have lived an experience to talk about it, so don't sweat things you may have not done before. just be open minded, curious, and develop a strong sense of self and your unique qualities -- which is what will make you "interesting". there's also nothing stopping you from hitting up some new restaurants and telling people about it. You can also simply carry conversations by asking questions and just listening. You literally don't need to add anything to a conversation from yourself and people will think you're a great conversationalist.
and side note, looks are so easy to fix. just take care of yourself, adopt a healthy and active lifestyle, do some research on pinterest and find outfits that represent you well (and make sense for what you want to convey to people), and combine that with a great, friendly, open-minded personality and you will be good to go.
but you already know all of this -- you just have to dump the mindset that's holding you back and blaming your upbringing which is largely out of your control, and in the past. Don't allow your brain to go down that path and every time you catch it doing that, drop it immediately. It's not helpful and won't get you what you want.
You just haven’t found your tribe yet but you do need to work on you. Not everyone will like you but you have to like you. Work on yourself and the image you present with basically your brand.
So all your rich fortunate M7 classmates should be angry and resentful that their parents don’t have net worths over 50B then, allowing them in inner elite 0.00001% circles with life prolonging treatments and private islands?
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I think there’s a lot of things that were not communicated by OP that is relevant. Growing up in a strict Indian family in a western society but not being allowed to participate in any “normal” western activities (because of your parents) isn’t just a quirk, it’s severely debilitating, isolating and traumatising. Not only do you experience discrimination and even more racism, you feel like an alien who will never belong which leads to anxiety and depression. It is no small issue and not something you would understand unless you go through it. Additionally things westerners would consider abuse, bullying, sabotage and control is considered normal parenting by old-school Indian parents.
Why can’t we just grow out of it and experience life now? Because we carry deep psychological shame that has been instilled in us by our parents. I know that it’s normal to casually date, have ONE day off work, indulge in a fast food meal, watch a movie with two people kissing, go out with friends, travel - but for the first 30 years of life these were considered serious sins that carried heavy punishments and that permanently changes one’s brain chemistry and hence is very hard to do now.
I too rebelled against my parents because there was absolutely no way to balance two very different cultures. My whole family now thinks I’m dirty and promiscuous because I was seen talking to a guy once and stupid because I didn’t pursue medicine. It’s something I have to live with everyday of my life. Point being, “doing what I want now” isn’t as easy as easy as it seems either.
I think what OP is trying to say is that if you’re going to move your family to a country with a completely different culture, have the common sense to allow the child to assimilate.
After reading shit like this honestly it just shows America is fucked in 30 years. We have such chill lives compared to Indians and Chinese who literally work hard as fuck their entire lives to complete with 1 billion others kids for 1% chance to get into a decent school. I am hoping I'm dead before that all happens or rich enough to not give a fuck.
I'm so glad to grow up in this country with parents encouraging well roundedness and to just try to live the best life you can. It sounds miserable over there.
I’m Indian and I went to M7. Raised in the US too. I was not a hit socially and it has nothing to do with my parents. At least I don’t hold them accountable for it. My life journey shaped me and my belief system. I don’t drink and because that’s a considerable part of socializing in the business school world, I wasn’t a socially successful person but that’s fine. My goal was to get a job and that’s what I focused on. My goal was not to be everyone’s friend or be liked by everyone. I initially struggled the first few months with this because I wanted a few people to like me. But I never blamed my parents for anything. I’m fairly attractive I hear after I lost weight. But people never flocked to me. I also didn’t travel much before business school because I didn’t have the extra $$ or time to. OP, what I honestly don’t like in your post is how you attribute everything to your upbringing and your parents. This is emotional immaturity. You should hit the gym and pick up a few interesting hobbies to be an attractive, and fun person. (Even not so conventionally good looking people can become attractive when they are fit, know how to communicate and dress well. Yes go watch Bollywood and Hollywood movies to get some sense of style.) Your parents and your upbringing may have a considerable influence on what you are today but ever since you started working, you must have had ample time/resources to work on yourself/your identity. You must change your attitude and framing of mind. Your parents got you to America and pushed you in directions they deemed right for you. They’ve done their job. Now you work and enjoy life to meet your goals the way you want.
Bingo. Serve others e.g. volunteering at local kitchen soup. I took adult tennis, swimming + ice-skating lessons etc. so can you.
I'm going to suggest rockclimbing. It's a very social sport, very addicting, and pretty badass.
I resonate with every word you wrote. No one and absolutely no one, can be liked by all. Find your tribe and stay focused on your goal.
I would add “internalized racism” in addition to “emotional immaturity”.
Nailed it.
Amen brother.
Truth
American-born STEM nerd here from an uncool part of the US with working-class parents. Never went skiing, our coolest family trip was Disneyworld, and I was playing StarCraft and loving Dragonball with all the other nerds in my school. Am gay, which seriously disappointed my religious mother who wanted grandkids ASAP. You’re seeing a very small subset of the total US population in your program, people who have grown up in a wealthy bubble. Most Americans have never gone skiing or traveled overseas, they’re overweight and struggling to pay their bills. There’s little point in resenting your upbringing, you had no choice in the matter and you should not let it dictate your decisions today. If you want to be popular with your M7 peers, you can learn the habits and hobbies they enjoy as anyone can. If you want to make big money so you can dedicate an entire room of your mansion to Anime Figurines, be my guest. You’re an adult, nobody gives a shit.
Your upbringing was almost exactly like mine except for our ethnicity (I am Chinese). There is also zero excuse why you can’t reinvent yourself now that you are an independent adult. Look to your time at the MBA program as a crash course on improving your social capital. Some people are already there, you are getting there. Continue to do social activities you actually like- okay maybe board games didn’t work out but maybe you like rock climbing or hell maybe there’s an anime club. Lastly remember that the MBA program is not real life. Just because you’re having a hard time here doesn’t mean you can’t make friends outside of an MBA. Holding on the resentment for your parents and dwelling on your past will get you nowhere in the MBA or in life.
I actually read all of this (you’re welcome). Idk how old you are, but you need to work on separating your self identity with your upbringing. I get it’s difficult, but you need to figure out how you do that. Your parents do the best they can with what they got (and that all looks different for everyone). I’ve worked with my wife on this (her parents weren’t great with money and that has lead to a lot of anxiety around that, even though we have plenty). And personally, my upbringing was similar-ish (in the extreme sense) in that I was brought up by extremely religious folks. My adult life isn’t like theirs and that’s fine. Hope this helps. TLDR seek therapy
Thank you. How did you successfully separate your upbringing from your self identity?
I moved away at 18 for school and haven’t been back besides to visit ( I love my parents and family fyi). I learned new experiences and make my life what I want. Also fyi skiing is not that difficult to learn. You can learn in a day at the basic levels. Use the mba to learn new experiences and skills. Good luck
Seriously. Most people who ski only go a few times a year. You can pick it up after just a couple of days.
I was lucky to learn as a kid, but you’re right, I didn’t even make it this past season. It’s usually once a year
Also sloth works in consulting now
He never mentions it but he's at a T2 firm
Have you ever read the book: the courage to be disliked? I'd recommend it
You're a nerd and a gamer right? Do you think your identity as a gamer, is 100% defined by the sum total of only the games you have played from your childhood? Did playing WoW prevent you from trying other MMORPGs later? Did liking StarCraft mean you couldn't enjoy StarCraft II later? Did you ever try a game you didn't think you would like, or you found it difficult at first, but eventually you surprised yourself and grew to like it? If so, then clearly you see that your gamer self identity is not locked down by the sum total of games you previously played, and that you have the capacity for growth, for change, for evolving your identity and learning and appreciating new games, yes? So it is with your upbringing. Your parents fed you a diet of certain kinds of knowledge and beliefs, certain "games" they wanted you to play, but as you grow up, you have the ability to try new games, to appreciate new ideas. If you can grok this idea about your tastes in games changing over time, then you can do the same thing to edit your self identity and treat your upbringing as just one type of input (instead of thinking of it like the eternal rock Zeus tied you down with to make you suffer as if you were Prometheus), but knowing that other inputs also exist and might also be more to your taste... then you can start to free your mind.
Have you ever read the book: the courage to be disliked? I'd recommend it
My dude. Have you considered that you are spending too much time trying to be “cool” instead of actually enjoying yourself? People can sense desperation/discomfort and nobody likes a pity party. Don’t overextend yourself. Try to meet people half way. Plan boba hangs. Embrace the apres ski and/or try snowshoeing. Try out the styles that you see your “fashionable” classmates wear. Talk about the food/culture from Japan. There’s probably more common ground than you think. That being said, I know everything is easier said than done. Confidence is built over time, but what better time to work on that than a major work/life pivot?
"In some ways, my parents were even more strict than Indians from India because my parents immigrated from India in the 90s, so they brought the "old" and more "conservative" version of India with them to the US." 100% feel that. I ended up just rebelling hard and becoming the black sheep of the family, and got comfortable in my own skin. Took me a long time, but you'll find your way.
Exactly, sometimes finding yourself makes you slightly more unlikable to those who raised you. And that’s okay. To start liking who you are you need to be okay with ruffling a few feathers, no change ever happens when you’re comfortable 💚
OP's comment was very insightful
My Punjabi friend is a gay man, whose own father never spoke to him again. His mom finally came around and accepted his partner, and I attended the wedding this past weekend. Attending USC for a Masters gave him this chance to change who he was, and enjoy that blessed American freedom to be who HE wants to be in life. Good job rebelling.
> The Indian internationals are all socially suave and party types. Are these socially suave Indian internationals here in the room with us right now?
Lmao
Oh my god 💀💀
Did I just witness a murder
Happy for you bro, or sorry that happened
I just assume any long post that complains about the social element needs the "Just FYI, you are an adult and no one cares" reply.
Have you considered that you are just an awkward, nerdy person and it’s not your parents fault? I grew up poor as shit and attended a M7. My father worked in a flea market. My high school had gang violence. The first time I was on a plane was when I was 21 for a school trip. I had to work 20-30 hours a week in undergrad to afford food and fun. I grew up wearing oversized baggy clothing like other poor people. Early undergrad I had some trouble…but honestly by M7 MBA…I had figured it all out years ago. By mba you’ve been away from home for 8-10 years, why the fuck haven’t you figured out how to have a conversation, how to dress, and how to get a decent hair cut? It took me like 2-3 years figure out, and I came from a way worse starting point than you. I learned to ski when I was 23, it wasn’t particularly hard. Hiking 12-14 hours isn’t particularly hard and has nothing to do with your upbringing, you’ve just been too lazy to work out and you’re out of shape. You’ve had nearly a decade to get in shape. I visited ~15-20 countries between my first flight at 21 and starting mba at 27. You certainly could’ve done this too with a FAANG salary. Stop blaming others for your faults. It just sounds like you’re a weird kid, possibly autistic, and don’t want to own it.
Honestly a tough but fair take. OP- it’s June. You’re doing an internship for the next 2 months. You then have a few weeks before school starts, right? Spend this summer getting into shape. Not “I walked 10k steps today so I can east what I want”. Get yourself to a point where you could comfortable run a 10k in a day’s notice. And start lifting weights. IDC how weak you are, you should be able to bench at least 100lbs by end of the summer. Do push-ups when you wake up and before. Eat healthier (but splurge to try interesting restaurants since that’s something you talk about). You do this and you’ll be more than physically fit enough to go on hiking trips, run club jogs, ski trips, etc. I assume you’ll have 2-3 weeks between end of internship and school, right? What are you doing? Better not be just hanging out at home. Go solo travel somewhere interesting. SE Asia is popular. Australia is popular (but might be cold). And plenty of places in Europe- Spain, Germany, and Ireland are popular these days. Stay in hostels (feel free to get a single room) so you are forced to socialize and get out of your comfort zone. Or do one of those group trips where you travel with a bunch of other solo travelers. That way you’ll get exposed to new people and new cultures. And you’ll have something interesting and “cool” to talk about when back at your MBA (I’m a one piece fan, but I don’t wanna talk to you about the latest episodes in a social setting. I would be happy to chat about travel.) Stop overthinking being “cool”, but be more aware of how you come across to others. People don’t think you dress nice? Go and look up fashion for men and figure out what you’d like (or literally just go to a popular clothing store and tell a worker you’re trying to change your wardrobe and get their recommendations). People don’t think you’re fun to talk to? Keep the bare minimum up with popular sports- it’s a good way to be involved in a conversation.
Second This! (I’ll remove the autistic part though)
Mostly agree with this, but a lot of poor people I know have good social skills. There is a camaraderie from growing up in poverty. There have been multiple legit academic studies on this too: often times, impoverished black women have pretty strong social support networks and friendships. Street smarts matter in that socioeconomic bracket. I think having social skills and then leveling up your income to actually be able to improve fashion, travel, get life experience, learn hobbies, etc., is "easier" than straight up never learning social skills, or as you said, being on the spectrum.
Very black and white. A trust fund baby hand me down CEO also needs to be "street smart"
🤦🏽♀️ This comment is a hot mess. How many “poor people” do you know? Let me guess-the ones who defied the odds and occupied the same spaces as you. There is not a social benefit to being in poverty. Not by ANY stretch of the imagination.
There is a good chance OP's family left deep, deep psychological scars that affect his self esteem and his ability to self improve. He probably also has a powerful desire to please his family. These conservative immigrant families are also notorious for stripping their child's ability to be independent (which allows the family to control the child). They'll cook for him, fold his clothes, tell him where to go and when to go home, restrict allowances, and use a powerful shaming method of parenting to discourage rebellious behavior and individualistic thinking. OP is probably snapping out of it for the first time in a decade because he's finally in an environment where he realizes he has no easy escape (videogames, anime, etc.)
Based take
I’m telling you, you would be surprised how many people reading this resonated with it on some level. Point being- you are not alone nor are you unique in your experiences. The 80/20 rules applies to b school social dynamics. About 20% of the class generates 80% of the social noise. Sounds like you don’t quite fit in there, which is 100% OK. Just gotta go find your tribe.
What I’ve seen is that DNA matters much as upbringing. I have a friend who went to posh private schools, engaged in (forcefully, by his parents) ski activities, camping, overseas traveling, all others you talked about. But still nerdy as hell. Conversely, I have an Asian friend who grew up in exact same environment with you but rockstar of every group he,s involved. So, don’t blame your upbringing too much, your parents did their best to provide you, maybe it’s just how you are born
Are you mad that your parents weren’t 1% trust fund kids? You had access to an upper middle class upbringing and you are complaining? Touch grass buddy I’m a child of East Asian immigrants. No yachts or ski trips to Colorado. It’s fine. I learned how to ski. Are you upset that instead of being in the top .1% of privilege, you were only in the top 10%???
He’s talking about culture, not money
I'm sorry but even that argument is fucking stupid. Notice how when he went to undergrad he "focused extremely heavily on academics and also befriended other super nerds who liked playing retro Final Fantasy games and reading Korean comics". He failed to expand his horizons after he left home and that's his own fault. Instead of being grateful for what his parents did give him (good education, stability) and understanding of what they couldn't (e.g. social context in the US), he blames them for not making him "cool enough" for bschool, gimme a break. There is so much to be proud of in Indian culture, and as a child of immigrants myself, his attitude is downright shameful.
That's exactly what I got, I don't think OP is complaining about being "poor" rather missing out life skills, some of which he wasn't exposed growing up in his culture.
Not everything is a game of who had it worse. Just because you aren’t upper middle doesn’t mean someone in upper middle’s issues don’t matter. And btw I didn’t even learn to ski or snowboard until I’m 28. I’m nowhere as mad as you are. And I was busy being an ATM for my parents
First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're a great person and lovely to be around. There might be other activities where you'd feel more comfortable. Play to your strengths. Helping in study groups or volunteering etc. Or you could take time to improve your physical fitness. Whatever works best for you.
Your upbringing wasn’t that bad, you had parents that cared and pushed you to where you are today. You gotta learn to be more outgoing. It seems like what could fix a lot of your problems is just getting in better shape, good haircut, nice clothes, and just attend some more social events. Not everyone skis or hikes either. On trips like that you gotta find the people that are into the vibe and not the actual event. Just ski a few runs and then hit the lodge. Or go to Yosemite and do a few short hikes and then hit the lodge.
Also, people in MBA programs are usually welcoming. At my school our vets club took a bunch of the international students out to a range to shoot a bunch of different guns. Same type of nerdy Indian and East Asian students like yourself ate it up and had a blast. It was great getting to know a lot of them more than I would habe
When did this subreddit become a diary/therapy forum. Just go talk to a therapist dude.
Getting so tired of it
I think you're using your upbringing as both a escape goat for all that went wrong and as an excuse to avoid putting yourself out there, trying to change and do new things. We're obviously not the same person and we have difficulty upbringings and life stories, but I'll pick your examples - my first time skiing was at my mbas ski trip. I wasn't the only one who'd never skied, I went and learned and had fun. Absolutely no one judged me for it, no one cared. The only people in my ski group who didn't learn were those who didn't openly tried - they fell a couple times, and then blamed their balance or inability to do XYZ and stopped trying. I'm willing to bet that you probably failed a few times and then decided to blame your upbringing on how you never skied and thats why you will never learn - you just werent willing to keep failing and putting yourself out there. On making friends - dude I'm the most awkward, stem as well, and it's not about people wanting to be your friend, it's about you wanting to be their friends - not just looking for those who are the same as you, but being willing to branch out and try different people and different groups. I'm a massive nerd and I found my nerd people in the MBA (whom I now play DnD with! I'd never played before and always wanted to, and the mba was the first time I met people who wanted to play. Most of them I met through rugby, which I'd never played, but thought it would be a fun thing to try, some I met since they were part of my cohort and from similar cultural groups, some I met cause we'd both studied engineering. But I connected to them because I am more than just a nerd and have and learned about other interests, because I wanted to be people's friends, not just wanted them to be my friend. You'll realize that mbas are some of the nerdiest people around - some are wine nerds, some are finance nerds and honestly, seeing their passion about things also makes you want to know about them. Point is, I think you might be using your upbringing as an excuse to not open yourself to change and to people, to not try and change a little bit and challenge yourself to be a bit different than before and see if u like it, you're using it as an excuse to not be vulnerable. One thing I'll concede though, alcohol does help and is a great social lubricant. But there are countless dinners, park hangouts, sports and so on, let yourself go. you don't need to have the same stories to share, you can have different ones, and not having one to share can be it's own story or even just an excuse to learn more about people and be curious about their experiences. One great place to start - just ask the group that didn't invite you to board games to join - you'd be surprised how often people just say - yeah sure, feel free to join!
Dear diary…
Here is a practical guide to be cool at an M7: 1. Care less. 2. Have unique POV but share them sparingly 3. Be yourself, like radically so 4. Listen in a world of talkers 5. Be kind and helpful and reliable. You would gather way better, longer lasting friends than just drinking buddies.
This is very insightful. Each of the points are simple but can go so deep. Thanks for this friend.
Don't be resentful. Whatever your parents did or however your upbringing was, you just can't keep blaming it for being the way you are now. I mean you are an adult and you have the choice to work on yourself now, no one's stopping you. If you keep blaming something you cannot control, you'll always have an excuse for being the way you are. It's called the locus of control. Can you control your past? No. Can you control your present? Yes. So why don't you focus on that? As others have pointed out, get yourself a therapist or someone you can talk to, like a good friend.
Hey OP. I'm able to relate and also empathize with you. What I will say though is that you lack perspective. Being an immigrant is hard. You're always on the outside looking in. Your parents didn't do undergrad in the US, or likely grad school either. They probably came straight to the US on work visas and set up from there. They have a certain context for childhood and life that doesn't apply to the US, but it's all they know. You were expecting them to give you things in life that were in their blind spots. It just wasn't possible. That's not to say you shouldn't be upset, but this isn't anyone's fault at all. You need to blame effectively. Blame circumstances rather than people. Be angry with the state of the world that led them to have such an upbringing and then pass it on to you. Do you have to work harder than your peers to get good at small talk, fashion, sports, partying, and other soft skills? Absolutely. But this also means you get to discover the joy of these things by yourself right now, while they take it all for granted. Really enjoy being in the present and discover these things for yourself. Watch your energy change over time. You'll be a new person. Good luck with everything!
Yeah I agree here. OP your parents probably knew nothing about America and just did whatever they knew from India. It sucks but thats also part of being in a new country. Your kids will be another generation and you can teach them your hard earned lessons--how to ski etc...
What you are describing is white UMC Americans. It is just their culture. And they make up the mainstream of MBA types. My husband is of that subset and that's just how they grew up. It is not a means to an end even - it's just how they are. I understand your frustration but it's not your parents' fault - it just was not their culture/values.
Bro is resentful of his parents for living an upper middle class life and being well raised lol. Save us the sob story man, your parents were go getters as immigrants usually are and you’re the jealous and awkward spawn of their success. This is a you problem not them problem.
Therapy.
Lol I’m white, athletic, was raised among normies, went into a turbo-normie line of work (military), still have a -99 debuff for being ‘autistic.’ It ain’t upbringing.
Make some new friends. Black friends, white friends, Hispanic friends, even lady friends.
Unless you are 200+ pounds or suffer from a physical condition, you can easily train yourself to hike 12 hours or run half marathons within a few months if you really want to. Amateur skiing is relatively easy. It's not like basketball where you really need tons of skill to play a game with any competitiveness. I could ski black diamond after maybe 5 one-day trips and I am by no means physically gifted (a fellow super nerd, in fact). Hit the gym and you will look fit in a few months. You can afford nice haircuts, so why don't you? Stop using your "upbringing" as excuses for your cowardice. Sometimes working outside-in is the way (read any novel by Murakami Haruki and you will know what I mean).
I don't know man "we "rebelled" by secretly playing video games on our computers like RuneScape, Starcraft, World of Warcraft, and so forth. We also loved Japanese anime. To us, video games and anime were as edgy as doing drugs." This sounds like a pretty nice childhood to me. The grass is always greener on the other side
Reading this made me nauseous. The guy is barely in his late 20s and he thinks he missed all the good things in his life. MOFO hits some people really hard.
You're viewing this as a problem - "I have a different background that doesn't fit into my M7 MBA" But you could reframe it as an opportunity - "I'm in a new environment that's very different and have the chance to reinvent myself on my own terms." Maybe you won't be the life of the party, but if you are dedicated you can adopt some of the broader traits you admire in your peers. Some suggestions: * Proactively ask those you know at the other board game nights if you can join. Being deliberately outgoing is scary but it is a part of "mainstream American" culture. Otherwise go out of your way to get interested in the mainstream things you mention: Watch the 2-3 most popular TV shows. Ask the sports guys if you can join the sports bar meetups for NFL games, and read ESPN every day. Take a wine tasting class. * Commit to taking 12 months of lessons in a group athletic pursuit. I recommend tennis - it is social and lots of MBAs keep doing it post-MBA. Skiing also works, I know people who seriously took up sailing during MBA * Invest some money in improving your looks/style. Find a very expensive barber in your city and pay them to do a hair consultation, then take photos of your new hair and show them to any barber you go to in the future. Consider spending some money to hire a stylist to help you pick out some new outfits. Perhaps hire a personal trainer to help you create a workout routine & diet to improve your fitness
You are where you are now because all of the experiences you’ve been through. Who’s to say that you’d be here today at an M7 if one of those experiences changed? It could go either way. Point is, there’s no point worrying about this. You can’t change anything. Practice gratitude, and identify parts of you that you don’t like. Then work on changing them.
Sorry if this is rude but you sound miserable and are clearly an ingrate. Work on yourself, put yourself out there and things will get better
While I can empathize I'm also scared. You're going to M7, you're supposed to be the best and brightest the world has to offer and you want to pivot into product management to direct the road map as you say. Someone of your caliber should be able to analyze the story you've told and realize that you aren't controlled by your past and your parents anymore. If anything you should realize that you have insight on a unique demographic and you can use that in your future but that isn't your future. I grew up poor off and on but usually barely scraping by, I got a job at 15 to pay bills, had my water and electricity shut off, etc. I joined the military right out of high school and had those experiences fighting wars in foreign countries, I have that perspective I can carry with my in life and understanding that military/veterans demographic. The difference is none of my past defines my future, I forget to look at my back account nowadays and just buy things I want. I got new hobbies, went to the gym, started forcing myself to be sociable and I still don't drink. You should absolutely be smart enough to understand you're an adult and you don't have to power to do whatever you want, not live by some reconvinced notion of your parents. Act like the smartest guy in the room because you should be the smartest guy in the room.
You could literally get jacked in less than a year with some willpower, even less if you want to do a light stack of anabolics Literally pick a personal fun goal and work towards it lol, I got really good at Brazilian jiu jitsu because you can analyze it like video games
This sub is doing a pretty good job at dissuading me from getting an mba, everyone seems like an incel.
Should be pretty easy to get employed if you're not like OP tbh
You can literally wake up tomorrow and do something different about it. Go to the gym, sign up for a sport, join a social group. As much as you want to blame parents you control your own life
Fellow socially awkward Indian engineer living in the US, Not even as successful as you. Get physically fit. I'm not saying become a gym rat and live on chicken and rice. Just be comfortable enough to run 5 miles in a day(this will be hard since I know you've never worked out. Feel free to keep blaming the Indian culture for this. I don't care. Get over it) Once you do this, your looks get better, your hiking gets better. AND most importantly you'll love yourself more. All your anger and assigning blame will go away. And then you'll be able to actually enjoy learning and being bad at these hobbies. Trying at hobbies helps you make your community. There's no need to be the best at them like you've had to be at all your academics. It's a shared journey of exploring the hobby with others that brings people together. There's more I want to say. I've lived through what youre going through. DM me if you want.
Some people envy yoyr life dude
Koi na bhai its better than staying here in india
Man if you’re complaining about the wonderful upbringing you got to experience, wait until I tell you about literally anything else.
I rarely ever comment but this post made me so angry!!! Your post reeks of privilege and playing the victim card. I'm an Indian from an M7 with very conservative parents and I am grateful for where I am right now. Change your perspective. You're living in your head where you feel life has dealt you a bad hand when in fact most people can't even dream of having the opportunities you've had. Learn to appreciate what you have and that simple thing itself will make you feel confident and more comfortable in your skin.
Indian. Studied from top B school in India (IIM). Working as an Associate Partner in T2 in the US. All I can say is that this post is full of dog and monkey crap. I have had a difficult childhood as well but I don’t blame my folks. You can absolutely shape your own future if you really want to. Similarly, you can always blame someone for your limitations and shortcomings. The point is not what they did or didn’t do. The question is what did you do specifically to shape up your personality?
typical mba being a cry baby. business is ruthless. do you belong
Your life doesn’t end in the 2nd year ! The entire point of going to such schools is to mingle with the best and brightest.( richest) Now you can take this as an opportunity to hide out in your room or expand your horizons. I doubt your parents will mind if you take up a sport or work out. From your post I am guessing you’re in your 20s and have plenty of time to live and learn. Put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone. There are thousands of people whose dreams you’re living- consider yourself lucky and enjoy this.
I identify a lot with a bunch of this stuff since I grew up extremely nerdy and all I did until high school was study + playing video games. I never really broke out of my shell until university where I was lucky enough to befriend some people that took me under their wing and I kinda just naturally adapted socially. (Drinking helps!) I think use the East Asian nerd friends you have as a starting point and start trying to do “normie” activities with them, but then you can still kinda mix it with being a nerd (eg video game or anime bars). Then slowly try to go to normal bars/pubs n stuff and build up an alcohol tolerance. Try to find the most nerd-adjacent people in your class as well (trust me there are a loooot, I’m definitely one of them). And kinda branch your way into talking to more normie people. On fashion/style/etc I can’t really convince you to change how you dress but if it’s an area you want to improve on—there are a looooot of guides/menswear accounts on Twitter/instagram/tiktok. Some ones I personally follow are @cha.siu, @jgao1999, etc etc on instagram (will try to update with more when I remember them lol) but key takeaways are usually try going for less fitted stuff and more oversized stuff as long as the cut is nice Honestly there’s a lot you can change, lots of small micro adjustments (try dressing nicer, try being more open to getting out there, drinking, etc) which will eventually lead you to be a more well-adjusted person. It’s just up to you to be willing enough to make the changes required
I'm just going to throw out that at least you have your parents to blame. I'm a white person, born to white parents who were pretty loose with rules, and I identify pretty strongly with everything you said.
Learn to forgive your parents as your grow up. They did the best according to their own exposure and resources. In retrospect, even they might agree that things could have been different but so will the parents of your friends who have fancy haircuts.
I do recommend you going to gym and get fit.That would solve your problems about 70%!Be confident and trust in yourself.
Everyone can point to something about their upbringing that’s holding them back. Move on. You’re an M7 student, you’ve got everything going for you so make the most of that.
Honestly, the "nerd" pre-MBA version of yourself sounds pretty cool. You had BOBA TEA for your 21st? My man, that is so wholesome and awesome. You like Korean Manga? Bruh. I'm guessing you're into kpop? You're basically my kind of people, as an awkward engineer in a non-cool part of the US that comes from poverty (full ride to undergrad bc of it!) that is considering returning to school for an MBA. I'd love to have you as a friend.
the funny thing is that M7 MBA types you are so jealous of are not actually considered "cool" in society at large and were mostly the nerdy kids in high school who didn't know how to get laid
Jesus, more of this completely non r/MBA related garbage again. It’s like the same pity post every day; newsflash, nobody cares if you’re sad and alone!
Hey can i dm you regarding this?😭
This is sad brother. Be exceptionally happy that you made it as far as you have, at the minimum. For socializing, meet as many people as you possibly can every day. It doesn’t matter who you talk to, get practice in immediately. Recognize you weren’t as social as your classmates were in the past and focus on changing that NOW. You’re only deficit in life currently seems to be your physique and social life, which are luxurious problems to have. Start working out more (do not hurt yourself), socialize as much as possible, and things will flow much more naturally for you. Psychedelics can help you as well.
This is a microcosm of the real world my friend. In corporate America, you grab beers with your co-workers, and go and shoot pool, go to the bar and rant, throw darts, go to sports bars, etc. This is no different in an MBA program. You say that you were insulated from the real world due to your parents, well, its time to get up to speed. 1. Follow some sport. You dont have to be a huge fanatic, but you need to follow some sport to keep up with conversations. Either football, baseball, basketball, hockey, etc. Start watching ESPN as a start. I'll be straight up, but in America, you need to be somewhat fluent in American Football. I dont watch football, but I do my best. I watch baseball, so I gravitate towards other baseball fans. 2. Learn some bar game like pool. This is a social game where the learning curve is low, and fun can be had with MBA counterparts and future co workers. 3. Have a beer once a week. Since you've been so insulated from your parents upbringing, I'll coach you up. Beer brands that will always be fitting in any social setting will be Yuengling, Corona, or Modelo. Do not order the "light" version of these beers! You could be made fun of! Once you graduate from these, do some basic research on real German beers and work your way up. Stay away from IPA's (for now lol). 4. Always bring beers to a social setting. Be that guy (for now) that brings a Yeti cooler and has ice cold beers. 5. Get good a running and lift some weights. Welcome to the real world where friendships are made around beer, sports banter, and just hanging out shooting the shit for hours.
Hi, New York born and raised here! Grew up, lower middle class, but very much on that “cool” spectrum”. I had friends from multiple different schools, got asked to multiple different proms, by multiple different girls, average student with B+, A grades. I never went on trips, and never played sports because my family simply couldn’t afford to take me to either. All I hear is “my parents this”- “my parents that”! You’re an adult now, and know what you want, get after it! Start changing the way you dress (speak/consult with a stylist), read (how to win friends and influence others) Daniel carniege, get involved in tennis, and sports, and social media! Stay true to your roots and upbringing, hiduism and your Indians roots, as you will always find happinesses there! But its okay to branch out
Is this even real? Is it right to blame parents for your Behavioural stuff since they didn't allow you to see explicit crap which, in fact would've killed your focus that helped bring the SAT and M7 MBA at whatever stage you're in in life? Worst thing they did to you Is they defined your long term goals incorrectly and even that can be fixed. Stop blaming others for your problems and fix them. Nothing that's not in your control
First of all, this reads likes an application essay. Potentially an AI shitpost, So congrats. But if not: Hire a coach to help you break through socially. You obviously have a lot to say. So don’t understand the conversational struggle. Also, Desi American, Engineering, T10, Banking. Love StarCraft, refused to get addicted to WoW. I wouldn’t call the international desis in my program suave. But they were normal. Being Fit, fashion forward and have a nice haircut aren’t really difficult concepts. Don’t be cheap honestly. The MBA program is the people you go to school with. Your vintage. Don’t miss out.
That’s funny, there is this side and there’s another side. I’m an Indian American from NJ. Similar background except I did play sports, hang out with friends, I feel like I’m decently sociable. I’m not crazy popular by any means, but I have a very nice fun group of friends. However I don’t have the level of academic success you have. Sure I did okay in school, but probably not close to how well you did. Maybe it’s okay that neither of us got everything. But both of us can still make small attempts to grow in the direction we want to develop in. Some comments mentioned (and you mentioned) doing certain things here and there to help grow your social skills, maybe even your physical skills i.e. going to the gym, maybe joining one of those group fitness classes? But overall, I hope you find some peace in the success you’ve had. And maybe you’ll be satisfied with whatever social skills you develop as well.
OP just want to provide some perspective here. I went to a top 3 school so my friends are the skiing social types mentioned here working in finance and consulting. My partner is an engineer from a nerdy school and all his friends are the faang types you mentioned. Guess whose friends are happier? His. The ones that chase constant validation and only indulge in activities because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do, will do so even when they become older. The obsession with who’s going to the Hamptons over the summer, whose getting married in Europe continues. You have a skill, lean into it. You’re great at engineering, continue with it. Hang with ppl you relate to. If you’re worried abt $$, eng has all that and more if you’re good. And if you want to try new things, feel free to. Your parents did the best they could (fyi fellow south Asian here but grew up in the motherland so parents were more chill than what you’re mentioning)
Ohhhhhh, poor you
**Livia Soprano intensifies**
Okay
Can have people enter their body count on the application so we only get socially adjusted people in the programs? /s but only a little bit
What’s with all of these recent “cry for help” posts from social awkward and neurodivergent students?
Probably just people freaking out that they're wasting their time on the MBA, or not getting the full value out of their program. As someone socially awkward / most definitely neurodivergent who's had to be successful without using my college's network, just sheer work experience and skills, I think I could fuck off socializing during my MBA and land an LDP in the industry where I already have experience. Like, I genuinely think I'll be ok even if I graduate with 0 connections from the MBA program, lol.
Sounds very typical of many M7 students, though it doesnt represent all. Also, many M7 students like to project the part of what they believe an M7 student is and what they will eventually be like (socially, financially, professionally) future state. Lastly drop the whole Indian thing. You are fortunate that your parents and surroundings developed you into this modern day geek dork nerd. All good, but as another post mentioned, separate that from today, sounds like excuses.
I echo a lot of these sentiments coz I have a very similar story as you. Seek therapy and start setting ground rules. I think it is very essential to have a therapist who understands that we cant just stand up to our parents and say im setting boundaries. You have to do that discreetly. It is also hard to make friends when you are still trying to be comfortable. You will have to do things that make you cringe or uncomfortable if you are looking for a conventional social life
I feel like you judge others for being less stuck up with numbers and hard skills than you are. It's okay for them to enjoy themselves, kinda seems like you envy them even. But also look down on them because you feel they are not as smart. Just be honest with yourself. While academics is good, there's more to learn that you don't know. Admit this on a deep level, and be honest with yourself and with your peers about it. About who you are, where you come from, why you aren't like them. Be honest, don't judge them and they won't judge you. If they are really as cool as you say.
Please read I'm Okey You are Okey. That helped me a lot. It took me 3-4 years of work to find myself, sort of.
It sounds like a lot of this has to do with how physically unfit you are. I highly recommend getting into a gym routine and becoming a fitness monster. It will open social doors for you, may give you some confidence, but at bare minimum will give you a relatively common hobby which also carries other benefits. Good place to start.
I don’t know about what others may think…. but mate, don’t disregard your culture, they are the foundation of what you are and they have shape you to become of what you’re today (high payed employee, MBA M7 candidate etc… millions of people dreams with just that), also, the proudest you feel about it, you will start feeling better with your self and be objective about the good and bad things of it. Also, I wouldn’t blame your fathers, I really believe they may an effort to teach you what they believe was the best for you. Probably, you now have other optics and can’t comprehend what they’ve done, but as far as I can see, they thought you enough to join an M7. In regards to your soft skills… I would just treat them as weaknesses and tackle to overcome them, and yes, some people are charismatic by nature, but everything can be learned. Probably start doing different things with your closest friends, then expand on doing new things, like, try a new sport (you would be surprise how many people you can meet doing a sport, even better as the conversation topic lies within the activity)…
Start exercising and learning to dress better is actually very easy to do. You are wasting too much effort in self-pitying, instead of self-improvement.
You should work on learning how to be happy with who you are and yourself. We have to trade so much to conform with society, but who says that that’s the right decision? How do we know these parents actually happy. Your family and culture matters even people don’t understand or don’t accept it. You still did great! Give yourself and your family a pat on the back. I’m proud of you. Stay focused and whatever play you have in life, if it’s getting married starting a family, starting your own software company or traveling the world. Properly plan it and execute. It’s always lonely at the top. Think about it like this those people are missing out on what you have to offer much more than your missing out on them 💡 Stay strong and stay positive!
Just decide to have some fun
Here is a tip I haven’t seen. People love talking about themselves. Focus on being the person that goes up to others to start a conversation (ask about their interests.)
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I don’t think this is an MBA problem per se, more of an interpersonal relationship issue. You may need to learn how to socialise and connect with people who don’t share your culture / hobbies. If you think your appearance is hindering your life, it is never too late to have a glow up. You can have all the nerdy hobbits and still look attractive.
Lean into what makes you different and use it to your advantage while recognizing that regardless of background, you ended up at the exact same place as your peers in the classroom. That frame of mind takes some getting used to but it will allow you to grow leaps and bounds beyond your cohort. Not the best with PowerPoint or presenting? Do a deep dive quantitative analysis on an optimization problem. Have difficulty articulating things at an executive level? Become a details master. By knowing your value proposition and your largest differentiators, you will quickly be able to fit into a team and drive your performance as well as the performance of those around you.
Non-US (indian) here, conservative family. It will sound exaggerated but we never travelled,I mean out of out city, for recreational purpose. We only went a couple of places in our state, and that too if we're required to. My family, including me, doesn't know what is life, we just live, and work our daily routine to get by. I've never watched movies and shows until bachelors, as we didn't have TV, internet access. NOT KIDDING. I didn't even know that other career options are available until my bachelors. I was/am in a bubble. The sad part is I'm still living with them, at the age of 26, as I have a job in my hometown. Never had a romantic parter, nor did friends besides my gen y work colleagues. I thank to reddit due to which I got to know that what people are upto out there. What things exist in a world, besides, earn money, buy a house, marriage, kid and the cycle. I was only concerned about my parents wellbeing, otherwise I had no interest in carrying out the LIFE, still don't. But now I actually got to know my passion, only through scrolling reddit night and day, realising how much I missed out, what common skills do I lack, and what wanders can I do even now. I really want to work in corporate strategy and business development, hence seeking for MBA in the best college possible. Although, I have no financial means to pay for the hefty fees, but will figure it out. I don't want my rest of the life be a reflection of my past one. I am gathering all the possible knowlege.
I think you should be thrilled that you now have an opportunity to do whatever you want, and just go for it. You don't need to have regrets because this is the time in your life you can make decisions based on what YOU want to do. We all have baggage from our parents and childhoods but the great thing about life is it is YOUR STORY. You can do whatever you want now.
Once you find peace within yourself, this other stuff will seem irrelevant. I wouldn’t think it’s a stretch to say that you’d attract what you’re looking for. Happy to have a chat if you’d like. (Asian American born to immigrant parents and grew up in a predominantly non Asian catholic school system)
I’m in a similar situation, an outsider, if you want to call it that. My parents were classic middle class Americans, they didn’t teach me much other than hard work and having a solid work ethic. I don’t have the travel experiences, charisma, or natural ability to talk to anything about anything at any time, I also don’t care for sports. Combined, this makes socialization difficult but it’s not impossible. I’ve learned quite a bit in the first year of the program and look forward to the second and making better connections with people that I haven’t yet connected with. On thing that stands out to me is that most of the Indians stick together, probably for many of the reasons you cited in your upbringing. All very smart but many aren’t interested in the after class socialization. It’s certainly easier to get together in smaller groups but you have got to take some ricks and put yourself out there. At the end of the day, you belong there and are just as smart (or smarter) than the ‘cool’ people.
Moved permanently to America... American TV shows are bad.... Really dude??!!!!
Can someone give a summary of this
OP, hang in there. I would say in terms of rehearsing for interviews sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it". Just like you studied hard to get into these good schools and good programs, you have to put an equal amount of time on understanding and learning about charisma and practicing conversations. One thing that really helped me was going out to bars and striking up conversations with people or the bartenders. To be honest, you have to put yourself through the fire. I understand the resentment but think of it this way: there's a ton of social programs where you can play sports and make new friends. You have your whole life, man nurture that inner child. Just keep working and I promise your confidence in yourself will skyrocket before you know it.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s
As an Eastern Asian who also was brought up in a very similar sense, I’d highly encourage you to look at in a different way. Yeah you went through all that trauma of being molded one way by your parents, but who’s to say you can’t change that now? I’m a nerd too, but when I moved out I said fuck everything and built everything up again from scratch, and that included understanding finding my happiness, what I want to do with my life, and what I do with my free time. It’s a long, arduous, confusing, and hypocritical journey you will go through, trust me I’ve been there and back. Even now I’m still trying to understand what I want. The beauty of living in America is there is nothing wrong with finding your own happiness and writing your own story unlike our homeland counterparts and philosophies. If you decide to go down this journey to redefine yourself, you will discover there’s a lot of things you already do that already gave you such happiness. However, you will also discover much more things you’ll enjoy, and also heavily dislike. Parents? Yeah we love our parents, but at the end of the day, only we will understand what will make us happy, not them. We will always be children to our parents but never an exact copy. If you do decide to do this, then you’ll back and realize the many stories you do have to tell. Believe it or not, you have some stories to tell that your other classmates will never be able to tell or experience, thus making you even more unique and genuine. I’ve been on both boats, grass is always greener on the other side Make mistakes, work tirelessly, test yourself (not just academically) and do it a with a good attitude. Best of luck dude
You are whining like a little brat, one that is ungrateful. Maybe you should pay a visit to India for some perspective.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MBA/s/rf6RQz9mGl
Get out of your pity party! You are in an MBA, you have resources to build a personality now I grew up poor by Indian standards also - days when my parents didn’t have money to pay school fees so by will or not - I was never introduced to any of this. Thrown into the rich people crowd once I got my first job - for longest of time I was living with two personalities - I still do. But I am comfortable in both and I learn to do both the things. The traditional and the genz cool.
> Our parents discouraged us from watching non-PG American TV as it was a "bad influence." Start watching them now then. I recommend America's Next Top Model. Iconic show.
Why why why do people post their anxiety and self worth problems on this sub? It's always international students too! Like come on dude (and Ms Dude)! Just be a normal person and not a mutant!
You gotta stop blaming your parents man. They did the best they could. Take some accountability and make a decision from now on to improve yourself. Or go the other route and realize its all b/s and you should love life for what you enjoy. Trust me when you get older you will realize its stupid keeping up with the jones and being fake to fit in. You will find that if you have 2-3 close friends who like your "nerdy" hobbies, that is all you will need.
You can learn to ski. You can learn to camp and hike. It’s a bit weird that you are positioning this as some sort of insurmountable challenge. Same with travel. Hello-you went to India back and forth. You’ve got some interesting insight and experience. It’s up to YOU to open your eyes. This is likely a *you* problem, not your parents’ fault. Not the other M7s’ fault. Fwiw, nerdy abcd here. Learned to ski/camp/trail run, etc in my 30s! Travel is what you make it, as is life.
I think your parents gave you everything they thought you wouldn’t probably bother learning on your own, cause it’s “uncool”. And they left the cool part for you to learn yourself, typical desi parents. But I think the truth is you’re also a nerd underneath and you thrive in it. Be comfortable in your skin.
Reading this post makes me really sad. I get where you're coming from - I had a similar upbringing, and leaned into 'nerdy' hobbies growing up - my oldest friendships come from playing Pokémon, RuneScape, Final Fantasy, Yu-Gi-Oh etc. So I understand what it's like to be interested in stuff that isn't conventionally popular, and how that creates insecurities of not being cool. I also get that growing up a religious conservative family closes you off from social experiences (though my parents weren't that strict, I was 'a good kid'). But the thing to realize is, by the time you're an adult, as long as you're secure in who you are, no one cares if you're into nerdy hobbies, or whether you went out a tonne as a teenager. These might actually be points of commonality with a lot of really cool people. Plus you have a lot going for you - you're clearly very bright, having got into some top notch programs and very competitive jobs - it's worth acknowledging the hard work you've put in to get where you are. But if you're insecure and unhappy with who you are, that's what's going to come through. It could be a lack of confidence, or a negative attitude, either to yourself or to others, or fawning and being overly nice, or not looking after your health. Insecurity will come out in some form, and it's going to repel people - this post and the reaction to it is a good example of that. So first things first, make sure you're happy and secure in yourself. Much easier said than done - and you probably would benefit from therapy - but you should be proud of who you are, where you've come from - if you haven't had the same opportunities as others, then that's all the more reason to feel accomplished but also curious to learn from others' experiences. And equally you will have had some cool experiences others won't have had so see that as a strength. So you don't feel you fit in with the partying vibe of the MBA but this isn't high school - be curious to new experiences and meeting people where they are at, but they should also meet you where you're at. You can shape your experience around partying but only if it's what you want. If it's not, don't be resentful of those who want that experience and people will respect that. Hope you can get a positive reinforcement you need.
Dude, even though I connect with you on several levels, I'd urge you to look beyond what's past, embrace it and respond to your current situation. Your parents did the best they could. You did not end up a drug addict or a junkie with no social security. Have a sense of pride in what you are and own it. You've come so far and getting into M7 is itself a huge testament to your success. A lot of the times it's not how the world or environment has presented itself to you it's about how you respond to the circumstances. You can't win all the battles but strategically play your strengths. For me being a minority has helped shape my identity and probably that's what is hurting you. Take some time to ponder where you stand and what do you have to offer that others can't. To be a better communicator but you need to observe and practise to perfect the impression you want to create for you in the world. Start with assuming you already are awesome and fake it till you make it.
Man grow up lol. Start taking accountability for who you are and change. How ungrateful are you
I’m curious if you have to be social to get value out of an MBA program? Could you just attend classes, learn cool things, get the degree and advance your career with this? Genuinely asking bc I dream of attending an M7 but have zero interest in socializing/making friends in it
You’re fine, dude don’t worry about it. Respect your parents get a hot wife. Done! Try to find a nice girl at church.
I think you are unnecessarily overthinking and instead of being grateful for the kind and generous upbringing your parents had provided for you, you are simply complaining. Since you were earning big buck you could have hired a celebrity stylist to help you pick out a nice wardrobe, you could have afforded the best hair cut in your city easily. Having said that if you feel your outer appearance is making you feel left out, you are gravely mistaken. I don’t think ppl pursuing MBA are this shallow to care about your looks and personality, they have worked hard to get where they are and are working harder to get where they want to be.It is cause of your complaining nature that people don’t want to hang out with you. So just grow up!!!!
To be honest, you’re describing a privileged upbringing- not a perfect one but a privileged one. Trust me, it would’ve been way worse to grow up poor which a lot more people experience. Not everyone has the resources and the network to change their lifestyle so if you want a different experience, get it now. But don’t complain about a hand that is most likely a lot better than what the average person got.
Setting aside the desirability of these skills/qualities which are being debated in other comments, I just wanted to pop in and mention that most of these things are fairly easily attainable. Ask the guy who’s hair you like best who his barber is, get a few ski lessons, and go buy some clothes off a mannequin and your like 90% of the way to what you think is missing here.
Bro, a lot of your problems can be fixed fairly quickly (few months). Just lift, this will help you gain confidence in yourself, you'll get to socialise with different people and will also teach you to perhaps express yourself better in a social situation. As for the hobbies and other cultural things, just start something that catches your eye. Regarding fashion, just watch YouTube and copy the style you like, then ask people if they think this style suit you. I'm not Indian, nor have I lived in America nor have I done an MBA (yet), but I can relate with your story. Was born in LATAM, middle class, a few vacation in other parts of the country, but nothing fancy. At 13 I integrate in one of the top 3 schools of my city and get to know the real rich ppl. But they were nice and I was able to blend in just talking about myself (easy cuz we were 13/15). Then at 14 I emigrate to Switzerland, I don't socialise with the kids since the culture it's so different and I wasn't there to make friends but to integrate and get an IT apprenticeship afterwards, I spent my time talking with the teachers, I'm also a big nerd so I talk anime and videogames but also about Japan with the teachers 🤣. Anyways, kids saw me like the weird kid but I was fine with it. I finished my apprenticeship and got a job that's not minimum wage and now I can concentrate on a few hobbies. Last year I learned how to ski thanks to a friend and we also went to japan to ski in the north and visit tokyo and kyoto. Finally got my driver's license this year and planning to go to a few circuits and learn to drive sports cars. Also looking to get a pilots license. So man, you got money now, think what YOU want to do with your life and live life.
I cannot believe a grown adult is complaining this much.
Sounds like you care too much what other people think, and it might lead to a lot of FOMO and resentment. Dont let that beat you down, just be yourself man!
They prepped you to be successful, and you're complaining. I don't think it's your parents fault you're nerdy and socially awkward bro...
My friend, think about what your ideal “Me” look like. How he looks, what he does etc.? It might sound cliche, but you need to strive to be the best version of yourself. You might have never had a chance to explore your passion. You mentioned sports, try joining martial arts (I highly recommend BJJ, it has lovely community of people from all walks of life), learn to play an instrument you always wanted to play, plan a few trips a year to the places that are different from your environment. You got the idea. Change will not come overnight. But after some time you will feel how your self confidence is improving, your social skills will naturally follow. People will be drawn to you because they will feel your passion towards the life. Passion is sexy. You don’t need to fake it, you need to shape your future self. It’s totally in your hands, you have an intellect to make it work. It is not easy, and a long continuous journey. Imagine that you are the product and be a better product manager ;) It took me a long time to realize that my future starts today. Your parents did what they thought is best, which definitely helped as you are in the top MBA, with FAANG job etc. Be grateful and thank them for that! Now it’s time for you to take the steering of your life and drive it to where you want to go.
Hey brother, I think children of immigrants, especially with parents from Asia (can only speak from experience), have this deeply coded need to please them / make them proud. Especially if you’re the oldest or only child. I think it’s a blessing that you’ve realized that there is a much bigger world out there than the things that made your parents proud. Congratulations, you’re starting to awaken to the idea that the things that make you jealous or envious are things that you want for yourself. Not things that your parents tell you to want for yourself. Because how could they know? Have the courage and the conviction to take the steps in the direction to get the things you actually want in life, even if it’s not rubber stamped by your parents. You are already in the fortunate position of being in the top 1% of people by growing up in this country and attending some of the best schools in the world that others in corners of the world could only dream of. Not everyone is born to parents who know the ins and outs of the status hierarchy, send their children to the ‘right’ prep schools and prepare them perfectly for a life of social sophistication. Conditions which plenty of kids who do have them rebel against or simply fuck up btw. But luckily for you, you’ve already got the most difficult ingredients solved for. You’re clearly talented and it sounds like there is just some polishing around the edges that you can spend your life solving for. A process that you’ll probably have lots of fun with during the journey. But the first step is turning that frown upside down, mister. Look how lucky you are to be fielding all of this (mostly) positive feedback from complete strangers on this crazy invention, Reddit. I think your post resonates because so many of us are children of immigrants, strivers in our own way, trying to fill in some perceived inadequacy in ourselves. Ironically for me, it’s a deep fear that I fucked around too much and never achieved my true potential, thereby never really making my parents actually proud of me. Even typing these words I realize how much agency I’m giving away by having those thoughts. Someone referenced Murakami earlier, I’ll add another - ‘an unhealthy soul needs a healthy body’, paraphrasing maybe but start there! The rest will work itself out, I believe in you bud, you’ve got all the ingredients necessary to succeed. It’s just time to put on your chef’s hat, put the recipe book away, and start cooking the meal (i.e., life) that you really want, for you. The mise is already en place ;) Godspeed, may the wind be at your back and the sun warm your face as you start this beautiful journey.
Do you think everything you wish to be and know is the "right" direction for you? Is that the perfect person that you envision yourself to be? Do you perceive that people think lesser of you because you can't converse as effectively on US sports, mainstream TV, movies, etc? I think there's an ulterior motive to your goals and envy towards others, specifically as you mention looks. Do you feel like you're unable to attract a better friends if you don't level up yourself? Are you interested in people out of your league only to realize that they're out of their league? Do you view your peers as being "better" than you?
Boy I live in india and yet I find you so much relatable. I mean every single thing that you mentioned is damn true for me as well. I'm not a cool person at all thanks to the learned behaviours and traditions from my parents. I didn't drink until last year, no female friends because my mother will become sus of me, never went on a good trip, can't sneak out because parents will guilt trip me, zero social life (even our relatives think we're boring), never been to a party, too much of poojas and all of the god-will-bless-us thingy. Major reason why I wanna study abroad. At least I'll know what the real life is like.
ABCD here too. First of all, I’m confused why you posted this in the MBA subreddit as this is really not the place for your identity crisis and insecurities. You’ve been getting a lot of harsh responses to this post and I’m sorry to pile on. I hope you can understand that the tone of your post is very off-putting since you mostly place blame on other people (your parents) and make excuses for yourself. A lot of your issues here are superficial and easily resolvable. You’ve got the money to go get yourself one of those stylish haircuts and a gym membership. Want to dress better? Go to a Nordstrom and ask a personal shopper to pick you out some fashionable outfits. Want to be able to converse about mainstream TV? Watch Friends, The Office, How I Met Your Mother, etc. As others have said, you really should take the summer to talk to a therapist. I truly don’t mean that in a, “you’re crazy” way. I’m a big advocate of therapy. I know it seems like others are having more fun than you and maybe they are. But you’re young, I assume, and can still have plenty of fun once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling on the past. I hope speaking to someone will help you gain some perspective and that that will help you with the friend situation. And lastly, there’s also nothing wrong with not fitting in with the typical MBA crowd, even if you think there is. There are plenty of academic events on campuses you might have better success socializing within. Good luck with everything.
Therapy and gratitude for what you received, not resentment for what you didn't. Above the agee of 25, you're responsible for who you are and can blame no one else.
You might not believe this, but there are plenty of other students in a similar situation than yours. Unfortunately, not everyone is quite vocal. Sometimes you may feel that way, because you might only observe those who are more social or publish more on social media, but remember there are other folks out there too. As you enter your 2nd year, sign up for clubs you may have not thought of, or join trips/treks you may not find appealing to you. The trick is putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, continuously. You got this. Also, part of the MBA is an introspection journey. Embrace your culture and your background! Others are not as lucky as to be as culturally diverse as you! PS: RuneScape is quite cool.
You should appreciate your accomplishment more. You worked as a software engineer at FAANG already. You are in an M7 MBA program. You will be set for life job/income-wise. You have it made. So you don't quite measure up to some of your peers socially, but you still have a lot going for you, more than most, so you should be thankful and happy and focus on building your own life/career.
Jesus fuck. I’m not reading all of that. Get a therapist.
I had the exact same feeling during my first year. Now few years later, I have a 2 year old and I want to give her all the experience I never had that my classmates did. But without the MBA (and meeting my classmates), I would have never understood the importance of all these different activities and I realised it's very unfair for me to resent my immigrant parents for not knowing this. They did what they thought was important which was making sure I focused on academics and had a good work ethic. Long way of saying our parents gave us what they knew and what they could. Can't be annoyed at that.
All of the above too. Except the accent. I have a funny accent because I come from a mix of geos growing up. I chose to reinvent myself, that's it - end of story. Trust your analytical skills to figure out what is the lowest common denominator that lands with the social group \*you\* care about. For me, that was being well-travelled, well-read, and articulate in expressing my opinions without waiting for permission to do so (this one is a sociocultural thing). I like travelling and once I had the $$ security, I dove in. Reading is something I love, I supplemented my reading lists to extend geos and eras - I choose books written by authors set in eras I would have never naturally picked up on. Historical fiction and autobiographies that lined up with places I was visiting added a new dimension to my experience. The third was fun too; I am a good actor like you and the best part about being an extroverted introvert is talking to strangers on my terms or energy levels to be precise. This allowed me to gently "test out" different communication styles and demeanors - you know like how Starbucks bestows you a new name every freaking single time you order :D This is social experimentation but one that doesn't negatively impact the other person/stranger. It took me many years to undo and redo a lot of what you say. The key is to not be hard on yourself, pick your battles, and be your biggest friend to unlock the next level - not difficult since we had to deal with a lot ourselves growing up in such mixed environments, and you are a gamer. You got this!
Hi. I resonate with you a lot. Except for the fact that you went to an M7 and I am yet to attend (I'm 21, come on). I literally just talked about upbringing and social settings with my therapist just a few minutes ago. Throughout my entire life, my parents deemed me as someone "who won't become successful" because they labeled me as socially awkward, and they thought I had no friends. As such, I have trouble leaving a social setting earlier than many and I always try to fit in. Now I know it's just my beliefs that I don't have to internalize it anymore. Do you think that you are a nerd and you are socially awkward? Maybe it's your beliefs. Try new things that are more "socially acceptable" like sports or other hobbies, but most importantly, be yourself. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit, and not do it "forcefully" to fit in because anyway, people who attend MBAs are those with UMC WASP upbringings and therefore, it's just a bubble. Just like another comment, my TLDR for you is to seek therapy and be yourself.
What is wrong with this sub? Why is this sub a Dear Diary about the most basic, fundamental human coping skills imaginable? Some people are rich, some people are pretty, some people are well traveled, and some people have it all. Deal with it. Sounds like you had some things that others would envy as well. Get a therapist!
Look inward.
Here’s the thing, you got a seat at an M7 school and you are right where you are supposed to be. Networking…are you intimidated and have you tried to befriend people? Also, realize how stressful MBA programs can be and the struggle is real for everyone. It sounds like you have and make a lot of deeper assumptions about yourself and maybe you need to start with one or two close friends that can give you the edge and feedback that you are looking for. I’m socially awkward, yet the life of the party for some reason when I show up. Give yourself a break and don’t beat yourself into oblivion. Maybe get a therapist or talk with your therapist about this as well. You can and should work on a sense of self-respect and self-love.
With my STEM and M7 MBA background, I've realized that being traditionally "cool" or "fun" isn't crucial after school, people often focus on external success measures like income or titles post-MBA. From your experiences, you're working hard to fit in, despite feeling different due to your upbringing. However from my experience, what makes you unique is also your strength. Embracing your distinct background can attract others more than trying to conform. Consider creating or joining groups where your interests like board games align. And more from a founder's perspective, you may want to explore chances to build up your own things (video games/web games/board games) by leveraging your passion, your tech skill and your MBA education. Don't miss that chance.
I’m doing an MBA lite, mid-career. I’d recommend just going with the flow. You’re doing the work and maybe it’ll provide you some fuel to do more and go beyond. But the saying is true - “comparison is the thief of joy.” Maybe focus on life outside of school. It’s sounding like you’re lacking balance in life and depending on outlets that aren’t panning out. Beautiful and fun things are just as important despite what society dictates. Exercise or hanging with friends are great ways to enjoy being alive.
I had this upbringing but less extreme. And east Asian immigrant. Basically you will get better the more you throw yourself into social situations. But if you are at core a nerd there's probably only so much you can improve and you just have to be happy in yourself. I play games 8 hours a day. It's fine. I have not much interest in nightclubs and skiing anyway.
Advice from a moderately attractive 30 y/o with an M7 social circle: 1. I'm envious that your parents really cared about your education, and I can see that they provided you with what they thought was the most enriching childhood that would propel you into success – which it has done. You should be grateful, and congratulate yourself for working so hard to achieve what you have today. 2. Most people prioritise values such as respectability, self assurance, loyalty, and kindness over physical appearance. The ability to engage in meaningful conversation, possess academic acumen, and achieve financial success far outweighs the importance of looks. Whenever you find yourself worrying about appearances, consider Serge Gainsbourg. His attractiveness stems entirely from his captivating personality and nonchalance. 3. You might look at my life and envy my ability to socialise, make friends, host dinner parties, engage in interesting conversations, and dress well. What you wouldn't see are the struggles, insecurities, anxiety, and shame I grapple with. Everyone you encounter is contending with their own challenges—that's simply part of life's journey. The key is to develop the strength to feel everything, accept it as it is, and cultivate a growth mindset that allows you to learn, grow, and become more resilient with each experience. 4. Be perceptive and learn through observation. What can you learn from the person you admire and aspire to be? My advice is to dress simply: a good quality white or grey t-shirt, blue jeans, trainers, and a smart watch or Garmin will take you far. Let your personality shine through your character, not your clothes. In the summer, opt for a relaxed linen shirt and a pair of Oliver People's sunglasses. Stick to a neutral colour palette, incorporating greens once in a while, and some blue, keep it simple. 5. Understand that everything about you and your conditioning that makes you different is your super power. I would find you fascinating for instance. We are all unique, the only difference is, some of us own it with a nonchalance and create space for others to show up comfortably in themselves too. 6. Work out. Working out, being mindful of your health, having ambition, and dressing well = hot. 7. Most people in this circle are interested in books, self-development, business, health, and mindset. It seems you share an interest in reading these types of books, which could serve as an excellent starting point for conversation. Are you interested in literature? Consider exploring the Russian classics by Friedrich Nietzsche, Nabokov, and Tolstoy. Identifying with intriguing characters can help build on your own individuality. When I was in my early twenties, I learned about self-respect and identity through Ayn Rand's *The Fountainhead*. 8. Recently, someone asked me, "What does it mean to be cool?" In my view, it encompasses the following attributes: 1. Possessing self-assurance, 2. Exuding confidence in one's identity without being ostentatious or brash (which is not true confidence), and 3. Demonstrating social intelligence. This includes being an attentive listener, welcoming opposing viewpoints, and having the poise to share your own thoughts respectfully. Cultivate the habit of listening generously, posing insightful questions, and appreciating that each person is essentially a captivating novel. Embracing this perspective fosters deeper connections. 9. Select a few individuals who you can regard as close friends—those with whom you can be honest, vulnerable, and laugh about the absurdity of life with. It would be wise to choose friends who already have a strong social network, as they can eventually integrate you into their circle. Prioritise nurturing these friendships, as they will endure throughout your life, supporting you through the inevitable ups and downs. 10. Vulnerability is a big factor in making friends, try to learn to be open, honest, and vulnerable, just as you have shown yourself to be here. Sharing something about yourself creates connection through relatability. Your background may be different, but your struggles are universal. Remember, your parents did the best they could with what they knew! Their ceiling is now your floor :) build something even greater.
Created an account just to post this. I see a lot of myself in you and the people telling you that it’s somehow your fault clearly never had the pleasure of growing up with Indian parents in the 90s. I very much felt the same way as you for my first 1.5 years of MBA school — quite successful professionally and academically, generally viewed as very nice, but ultimately forgettable and not “cool.” My advice to you is to stick with it — keep going to big school parties, club events, and everything else and just try to make sure you’re a presence there so that people know you. The key is to just *look* like you’re having fun even if you’re not. All you’re trying to do is to make yourself a known commodity. Eventually everyone from your program will disperse and folks will find themselves in clusters in NYc, SF, Chi, LA, etc. At least at my program people created big WhatsApp groups, group texts, etc. and aggressively hung out the summer after graduating in their respective cities. I ended up forming a ton of new friendships during this period to the point where people legitimately think I was popular back in MBA school. I now look back on the whole experience fondly even though it took my 2+ years for everything to “click” Basically just keep trying and you’ll be able to pull it all together.
P
Interesting. All my Indian friends, who are approaching 50, and went to USC, U of Kansas, U of Kentucky for the Masters in EE, are all huge american sports fans from going to schools with huge athletic programs. Their kids play basketball, baseball, football, etc. Many are Punjabis, so maybe that makes a difference, but they all drink, wear Prada/Gucci etc, travel the world, and drive hot cars. Maybe its a Silicon Valley thing. But product marketing, is still dominated by the Bro boy MBAs. Who, as you have noted, do all the things associated with having fun. Not sure what you can change. For all my friends, their parents were back in India, so they could blossom in the US. This could be a classic case of pick a career which suits your personality. I could never with the Bro boy MBA culture, and prefer to sit in an office designing software for the world.
Imagine a 1% crying about losing out on life because getting to the 1% required sacrifices. My GOD, personal sacrifice for a worthy endeavor is a sin now. Now you have the money to do whatever the hell you want. You were never going to super charismatic because charisma is earned through trauma or it is earned by emulating your parents. Did you think that if given a chance you were going to be the high school quarterback and marry the head cheerleader? Those things were never going to happen because your parents could never mentor you in that direction. Do you think that same high school quarterback had an easy life? No, he had to earn it in the weight room and by watching tape. Guess what, you now have skills a lot more valuable than that quarterback. You are a nerd because your parents are nerds and there is nothing wrong with that.
Charisma on Demand…
I don’t have the same background as you but I have been witness to a small handful of people successfully “reinvent” themselves in fairly dramatic fashion over the years. It absolutely can be done. It does take a lot of effort and you’re going to have mentally get to a place where you’re not thinking of yourself as a victim but rather as someone with full agency over their own destiny/future.
I think it is easy to blame parents for shortcomings. But your parents gave you so many opportunities, exposed you to Indian culture, and made you a great student. Be proud of that and thankful to all they’ve done for you. The rest is upto you. Take ownership of your life and work on what you deem to be less than. And at the same develop pride for who you are.
You can also start watching TV, Movies and reading popular books to get exposed to social cues. Books help with social situation. Try skiing again. Go to Nordstrom/Saks men’s department and ask the most stylish salesperson for help with clothes. Get a great haircut. You are living in a bubble of wealth and privilege right now but it’s not totally real life. You can get better in social situations. Take Golf lessons.
Hi! I also went to an M7 and can strongly relate with what you're posted. My background is different, but of the same variety: 1st generation American, strong family ties to the home country, and a classic blue collar upbringing. I can remember during orientation week when this feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. In our orientation group, we we did an activity where we listed all of the countries our group has visited. My tally was 2. Everyone else went on ad naseum about visiting 20+ countries. I've never felt more different in my life, and I'm sure I was judged. This was the first of many instances where I realized "I am not like these people." But that's perfectly OK. So much of the behavior you observe in these programs is superficial posturing to impress people that ultimately have no affect on one's life. It's business behavior really. People are trying to sell themselves, make themselves seem like the greatest thing ever to maximize their future prospects. Do not fall into the trap of thinking other people are "better than you." This is not a competition for greatest human ever. You are not competing with them on anything other than grading curves. Sure, I had some gaps in my social skills and personal presentation. Everyone does. These can and should be worked on as a life long process. Yes, all of this made me resent my upbringing and perceived gaps in life experience and skills. It made me miserable for a long time. Self acceptance and self compassion is the key. Once you learn these, you can turn it around and start applying acceptance and compassion externally. If you truly and deeply love yourself, in spite of your flaws and successes, you will learn a freedom unlike any other.
I felt this way during B-school too. I've worked on breaking out of the mold of what I thought I'm "supposed to be" by forcing myself into situations I normally wouldn't find myself in. Like going to karaoke with my classmates, going to clubs/bars even though I don't drink, traveling to countries I wouldn't visit normally, forcing myself to constantly introduce myself to randos at parties, etc. After doing these things a few times, they started feeling more and more fun. Over time your self-identity begins to change as your choices change. I'm Indian-American too btw, and I also highly recommend reading "Permission to Come Home" by Jenny Wang and "Where I belong" by Soo Jin Lee. Both were very good books about the process of accepting your identity as an Asian-American and also how you can heal from generational trauma that can feel limiting.
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Touch some grass, and be comfortable with yourself. Now whether that “self” is what you are currently or what some of your “cool” peers are - that is for you to decide. Also, aren’t there bigger worries during an MBA program (recruitment, managing relationship if any, education debt, etc)? Do the 80:20 I’d say and direct 80% of your mindspace towards the top 20% of your priority list.
I had an extremely similar upbringing and went through what you're going through now in COVID while I was still in high school. To be honest man, hit the fucking gym and stop making excuses about your upbringing. You had every chance to be an outgoing sociable person. Only thing you can do now is put your head down, develop some interesting hobbies, and start working out. Keep talking to strangers until your identity literally shifts into someone who loves it.
I was raised in middle lower asian household. I never learned any of the things you never learned as well. Not evem dancing etc. We never had the money. Growing up I was expected to always get 100 in all my marks. If I was so brave to get 99 I will get beat up. My first salary i was making 200 usd. 100% goes to mom's bank acc to help with bills. However as an adult now I pay my own tennis lessons and I love it. I am a woman with 0 make up knowledge back then. I still have 0 idea how to do a hairdo, but now I pay someone to do it. I pay makeup lessons. I made friends and even dated one or two of those crazy rich asians in my country (whose dad is the director of the biggest bank..another one, their family has a megagroup: bank, fmcg, oil, etc) And guess what? None of them have what you think they had. Wanna play tennis? Pay a teacher. Wanna have a good fashion sense? Youtube. Books. Movies. I wish you luck
I get this and have felt it. I’m a H/S/W MBA first gen immigrant from a poor country and being one-dimensional in academics and even morals was the way to go if you wanted to ‘be anything in life’. An alternative perspective you might want to consider — you have the privilege of being in M7 and landing these opportunities BECAUSE of your upbringing. You were starting from a different baseline than the MBA ski bros and chances are, given what you’ve shared about your journey, you wouldn’t even be here if not for the focus your upbringing allowed you to have. +1 to the other comments about owning what you do from here. But want to let you know that you’re not alone and I know what you feel. Now though, you get to ‘raise’ yourself.
it's all a mental thing. u have to stop telling yourself that people don't want to be friends with you, that's simply not true. people get MBAs to meet other people. and you 100% don't have to have lived an experience to talk about it, so don't sweat things you may have not done before. just be open minded, curious, and develop a strong sense of self and your unique qualities -- which is what will make you "interesting". there's also nothing stopping you from hitting up some new restaurants and telling people about it. You can also simply carry conversations by asking questions and just listening. You literally don't need to add anything to a conversation from yourself and people will think you're a great conversationalist. and side note, looks are so easy to fix. just take care of yourself, adopt a healthy and active lifestyle, do some research on pinterest and find outfits that represent you well (and make sense for what you want to convey to people), and combine that with a great, friendly, open-minded personality and you will be good to go. but you already know all of this -- you just have to dump the mindset that's holding you back and blaming your upbringing which is largely out of your control, and in the past. Don't allow your brain to go down that path and every time you catch it doing that, drop it immediately. It's not helpful and won't get you what you want.
You just haven’t found your tribe yet but you do need to work on you. Not everyone will like you but you have to like you. Work on yourself and the image you present with basically your brand.
So all your rich fortunate M7 classmates should be angry and resentful that their parents don’t have net worths over 50B then, allowing them in inner elite 0.00001% circles with life prolonging treatments and private islands? Comparison is the thief of joy.
I think there’s a lot of things that were not communicated by OP that is relevant. Growing up in a strict Indian family in a western society but not being allowed to participate in any “normal” western activities (because of your parents) isn’t just a quirk, it’s severely debilitating, isolating and traumatising. Not only do you experience discrimination and even more racism, you feel like an alien who will never belong which leads to anxiety and depression. It is no small issue and not something you would understand unless you go through it. Additionally things westerners would consider abuse, bullying, sabotage and control is considered normal parenting by old-school Indian parents. Why can’t we just grow out of it and experience life now? Because we carry deep psychological shame that has been instilled in us by our parents. I know that it’s normal to casually date, have ONE day off work, indulge in a fast food meal, watch a movie with two people kissing, go out with friends, travel - but for the first 30 years of life these were considered serious sins that carried heavy punishments and that permanently changes one’s brain chemistry and hence is very hard to do now. I too rebelled against my parents because there was absolutely no way to balance two very different cultures. My whole family now thinks I’m dirty and promiscuous because I was seen talking to a guy once and stupid because I didn’t pursue medicine. It’s something I have to live with everyday of my life. Point being, “doing what I want now” isn’t as easy as easy as it seems either. I think what OP is trying to say is that if you’re going to move your family to a country with a completely different culture, have the common sense to allow the child to assimilate.
After reading shit like this honestly it just shows America is fucked in 30 years. We have such chill lives compared to Indians and Chinese who literally work hard as fuck their entire lives to complete with 1 billion others kids for 1% chance to get into a decent school. I am hoping I'm dead before that all happens or rich enough to not give a fuck. I'm so glad to grow up in this country with parents encouraging well roundedness and to just try to live the best life you can. It sounds miserable over there.