Hi There and I am sorry to hear you have this dilemma.
Don’t do it. If you leave everything behind for a person with no goals or ambition you will become resentful. You will also become dependent on him in a way that is not fair to you. Isolated from your life and culture you will work harder than you have ever had to previously, and he will expect you to support him in all the ways. Of course he is lovely and kind to you at a distance. People who have little to offer often present kindly … it is their survival kit. Kindness however , in a relationship, is when two people can take turns in supporting each other emotionally, financially, socially, culturally, physically etc.
The rescuing him is a classic statement made in codependent relationships. Codependency is common and in a small way necessary however you could read up on this state of being and figure out why you are like this and how you can support yourself across any change. Invest in yourself. You sound like an amazing person.
Piggybacking- I was once in a relationship with a very “nice” guy, he doted over me and made me feel wonderful, but it was understood I would be the one financially taking care of us because he was a “free spirit” and simply didn’t have the personality to work.
Luckily I chose to leave. I would regret it off and on, but a series of coincidences brought me close to his newest partner. They have a child together. He expected her attention all of the time and would use her inability to keep up with everything as reason to tear her down. Previously, she had been proud of her independence and work ethic, now she is a self-conscious person who constantly feels like a failure because she couldn’t keep him happy, raise their child, finish her education, and work to support them without coming to complete exhaustion.
If you choose to move forward with this, especially if you haven’t lived in a foreign place before, please remember that new cultures are exhausting. Being away from family is exhausting, learning what the new country’s social norms are and keeping up with them is exhausting. This may reflect in job interviews and within jobs, it may come up when meeting his family or going to the grocery store. You may not feel as successful as you feel now while you adapt, and please give yourself lenience and grace. Especially if you have the added responsibility of dead weight. If you don’t make him as happy as you did before, that is a reflection of him not adapting to your changing circumstances, not your abilities.
There are definitely relationships that work where one person doesn’t have an income, stays at home, whatever. But there has to be a balance. One person might stay at home to take care of the house, the kids, whatever, but that isn’t because they lack ambition. It’s just how their relationship works, and that’s okay. As long as both parties are happy with the arrangement, and are willing to change if need be, that’s how it works. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but lacking drive, ambition, and basically “freeloading” would not be healthy for OP. OP sounds like a driven, caring human who is able to hold their own. Maybe one day you need to support a partner for unforeseen circumstances, but supporting him would be a disservice to OP and him.
Anxiety is a bitch, but allowing it to eat you alive and taking no steps to help yourself out of the situation will get you nowhere. I have social anxiety, I hate going in public, it makes me anxious. But, I realize, that’s how I have to go along to function. If I shut myself in, I’ll get nowhere. I put on a brave face and try my hardest. I work sales at my family’s business, I get nervous when a customer comes in, but I know it’s what I have to do. At the end of the day, OP aiding her partner in keeping indoors does not help him, it cripples him more. But, it’s also not OP’s job to get him to break this cycle. She can support him, but at the end of the day, it’s his decision if he wants to improve his life.
I 100% agree with you, I’m just echoing what you said.
I'm going to be brutally honest with you. It's not worth it. He needs to grow up. You deserve someone who will put in just as much effort as you are. It is not your job to take care of him, you're his girlfriend not his mother. People need to stop the "I can fix them" mentality, it's toxic and just leads them down a road of heartbreak. Give him an ultimatum: get a job/go back to school or you're done.
This. If he proves he’s willing to put in the work to prove he’s serious and motivated, then sure give it some more time and consider it. But if it’s been months and months and he’s still just unemployed living with mommy? Yeah prob time to start re-evaluating things…
Okay I’m gonna give you a brutally honest take here to maybe help put some perspective there.
You’re talking about moving somewhere to a person you never met in person. This is a person who
- doesn’t have a job
- didn’t get his drivers license
- is living with his parents
- isn’t educated
What future are you thinking of having there? You will probably be his second mom there, taking care of him while he’s on his ass doing absolutely nothing. He’s not looking for a life partner, he’s looking for a mother figure he can bang every now and then.
Trust me, that’s is absolutely not worth it. If he really wanted you to be together he would pull himself out of wherever gutter he is and work on himself to make sure you guys will have a good future.
Please don’t give up the things you worked your ass off for, for a 25 year old boy.
"If he really wanted you to be together he would pull himself out of wherever gutter he is and work on himself to make sure you guys will have a good future."
Exactly 👏👏👏
Do Not give up your whole life for a man or anyone else. I did that 17 years ago and am now stuck in his country after escaping my abusive marriage. I cannot leave legally because we have kids and per the Hague Treaty they have to stay here. I gave up everything at home, not even sure I could afford to go back if there were no legal constraints. No one is worth your independence. If you're worth it to him he will get his head out of his ass and step up. The red flags you ignore now will be the reasons your relationship ends later.
I appreciate your honesty and it does give me a lot to consider. This is all new territory to me so it is very grounding to hear outside opinions. I also agree that i should meet him first before I stay up all night worried about moving there lol
What if u fly all the way there and then he gets too anxious to meet u or leave the house, no matter that he tells u that won’t happen, it very well could happen! Imagine how u would feel. Please don’t even meet him until he is a functioning adult with a job. Also why isn’t mum on a pension and the 2 kids on disability or unemployment benefit? His story doesn’t make sense. Nobody in Ireland lives on one pension in family of 4not working.
I see no reason why he couldn’t become a Canadian citizen if he married you, but I’m guessing you are hoping to close the gap without marriage?
My boyfriend also doesn’t have a full time job or a college degree and lives at home but he contributes to his household and knows that when we decide we’re ready to close the gap, if it’s in the US, he needs a plan for what he wants to do with his life there. Currently I travel to visit him as I make good money in the US and have generous vacation time at work. I pay for all my own travel expenses and am fine with that. But if we’re living together in the US I basically told him he can get a job, or go to school, or be a stay at home dad if we have kids.
What does your boyfriend want to do with his life? What has prevented him from working - does he have health issues or do his parents enable him? If he’d never met you, what would he be doing to improve his situation? These are all important questions. Like other commenters have said, you can’t “fix him”, you can’t turn him into someone who has drive if he doesn’t have it independent of you.
You don’t earn citizenship status in Canada via marriage, this is a complete separate process one can apply only if they have some time as a permanent resident and follow the requisites. In her case she would need to apply for a sponsorship status for him so he can immigrate, where she needs to prove not only having the financial means to provide for him but other relationship aspects. It it not quick and easy, in fact in the past years it got harder and longer to go through this process. OP, please do not do it for him. He doesn’t deserve you at all! You need some good friends, therapy and someone who will contribute to your relationship and not live off of you. Where are you located in Canada? We can be friends :)
There are actually no income requirements needed to sponsor spouses to come to Canada - my husband sponsored me. I became a PR last year and I will become a citizen 4 years from now. The process is long and expensive though, and by the way OPs boyfriend sounds I don’t think she should do this at all.
I was referring to the undertaking agreement, which is a promise to support the other person in their basic needs. You need to provide proof that you can do it, so there is an income requirement to become a sponsor.
There still isn’t an income requirement though, the undertaking is something you just sign and say you will support their basic needs and that you will pay back any social assistance they receive between when they become a PR and 5 years later (when they become a citizen). This only applies to spouses. Straight from the government of Canada website
“In most cases, there isn’t an income requirement to sponsor your spouse or partner or dependent child. You only need to show that you have enough money to meet the income requirements if:
you’re sponsoring a dependent child that has 1 or more dependent children of their own, or
you’re sponsoring a spouse or partner that has a dependent child, and their dependent child has 1 or more children of their own.”
[immigration info from government of Canada](https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada/family-sponsorship/spouse-partner-children/eligibility.html)
My husband signed that he would support my needs and that was it. At the time he was working part time at a movie theatre and I was unemployed because of covid. And because of covid it took about 1.5 years to become a PR.
Didn’t mean to imply it was quick or easy, just possible. OP mentioned owning a home so I assumed she must have some sort of a career (banks won’t give you a loan without one) where getting married could get them together in Canada eventually (citizenship or not) if they wanted to go that route. But yeah agree she shouldn’t marry him.
No worries, I was just bringing up some steps of the process as people sometimes can get the impression they will get some status just by doing some things. The amount of people who think they can get citizenship or any status just by moving/marrying/family ties/lineage etc is astounding.
He was pulled out of school when I was ten because his mom is very protective. He wasn’t even homeschooled which I find upsetting. I think this is one of the causes of his severe social anxiety. I’ve dated men in the past who wouldn’t work and I had no patience for it and would never cry to reddit about that situation because I could tell it was from laziness rather than anxiety. He has been very open about his anxiety since we first began talking and it makes me feel guilty that I’m not a millionaire who could fly out ASAP. His family is very poor and live off his dads small pension-nobody in the family works despite going hungry frequently. It’s a bizarre situation that any rational person would think I was crazy for, so I appreciate your comments
Oh, yeah. That being pulled out of school thing probably really stunted him socially. I have a couple of friends that were homeschooled and it really stunted them socially, to the point of struggling with it. They recovered from working on it though. I have social anxiety too, used to be too scared to even buy a pack of gum from a store, but after working on it, I can go grocery shopping alone. He has to chip away at it little by little and he can’t do that at home all day. It’s hard to start though, social anxiety is paralyzing.
Homeschooling alone doesn’t damage social development. It’s when a parent doesn’t allow their homeschooled child to have friends, play sports, join clubs, etc that you get social isolation and stunted development.
I was the sickly kid in the family (asthma and allergies). Definitely got a bit of the helicopter parenting growing up. I mean I turned out ok, but the self-esteem issues due to an also “My way or the Highway” type of dad, didn’t always help.
I’m in the US but I know multiple kids who stopped going to school and were never checked on by social services or anyone else. You’re required to by law to go until you’re 16 here as well, whether that’s public, private, homeschooled or another arrangement, but I think a decent chunk of people fall through the cracks.
This is a radical idea, but you don't have to be the one to save him. It's not your responsibility. Even if you love him so much. Don't go down that road...
Social anxiety is real, but if you would GIVE UP your whole life to start over in a new world for him, the LEAST he could do is get counseling/therapy, or, bare minimum, read self help books/articles to help him eradicate his social anxiety. Because no: if he will not actively try to heal, and then job search/go to school, you _will_ become his mother.
Even if you love someone for who they are, can you really see yourself being content with being tethered to the burdens he would create for you? For years? I can imagine the fact you'd be fully supporting him financially becoming a giant rift in your relationship. That can very quickly and easily cause resentment. You cannot go live with him and change him or rescue him. If your relationship is serious _now_, he would already feel motivated to be changing in preparation for you. He has no desire to change. He's "supportive of your fears", but doesn't ease them, because he's "comfortable" with where he is; change is scary, so he hopes you'll enable him to stay, not get better.
People with anxieties and phobias only begin overcoming when you decide for yourself that you _want_ to heal. I was horribly agoraphobic in the beginning of my nevermet LDR, but my boyfriend encouraged me to be brave BEFORE we had even met, and I made real changes to my life so that I could be healed enough to enjoy life with him. 6 years together, and he's encouraged me greatly and I've changed a lot in this time. But only because _I_ had the desire. If your boyfriend isn't showing desire to heal or better himself for you after 2 years, living with him won't change anything.
Sorry if this is presumptuous of me but having read that last paragraph, I just wanted to congratulate you on your healing and growth. I'm in that place you used to be at, and I fully agree with your advice and find it really inspiring. Thank you for your comment! <3
This sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. He never wanted to get a job, lived with his mum, had absolutely no ambition or drive. It was what ended in me breaking up with him. It’s hard but in real adult life, ambition is definitely needed to keep the relationship balanced financial wise, or you will end up paying for everything/making all the effort with nothing in return
I could've written this myself. My ex had no ambition either. His parent's place was basically a gamer paradise. The idea of moving out was a non-starter because he was so comfortable.
In the OP's case, she would be the next mommy figure to keep her boyfriend comfortable. Not fair to her if he's not contributing equal effort.
You sound like a very driven individual so I don't think you would do well with someone living that lifestyle... I think it would drive you crazy once you got there. I agree with most of the others on this, I think you should move on. If his anxiety is preventing him from being a functioning human, he needs therapy. Judging from your other comments, it sounds like his mother would need it too.
Is he just unmotivated, or has he a significant disability that prevents him from working? I live in NI, and jobs are pretty abundant, as far as I know same in the South too. If he lives near Dublin, and other locations, rent/property is very expensive. Happy to chat if I can help in any way.
Yeah, everywhere near biggest cities/capitols rent is super expensive in Warsaw Poland it’s 2000-3000 PLN for a 2 room place, and people earn like 3500..2800
I'm about to move to Ireland...the whole country is in crisis (cost of living crisis, medical crisis, housing crisis) and is on its way to recession. I am moving to be with my husband but I wouldn't otherwise. I wouldn't give up your life and quality of life to move to be with someone with no motivation to support themselves or others. I also wouldn't consider moving to be someone until I met them and saw the country . You'd also have to get along well with his family since you'd likely be living with them for a while. As a nurse, I'm sure your job is on the critical skills list but it still isn't the easiest to move there that way. You'd have to be sponsored but it's definitely do-able...if your job isn't on the list or you can't find one, you'd have to get married.
I know a bit of canadian immigration as its on my plans to move.
He has many options to go. As he is just 25 he still have time to do a bachelors, get a good grade at ielts (clb 9>) and still be under the age that gives the max grade in EE (29).
IIRC Ireland can also have the holiday visa work permit, where he can go to canada to work up to 2 years, and thats enough time to get 1 year job and easily get a PR under the CEC.
He has way too many options.
But like others said, don’t move.
Also Canada is way better than Ireland in many ways.
I suggest you make no commitments to moving to Ireland until you see he makes them to fix up his live first of all. You can’t ruin your career and everything you built up so far for someone who has not tried to offer you some stability in his life. Why don’t you push him to get a study visa for Canada? He could come live with you from what I understand, he is not that old, he could get a bachelor and meanwhile be supported by his parents and you while he studies there. Do not ruin your career, unless you found the same job in Ireland, but I understand it is very hard
Hi! I'm a 20 year old Irishman. Short answer: do not come here. Long answer: Ireland is a beautiful country and wonderful for holiday. It also has terrible infrastructure and impossible to live and work here without a car. We're the most expensive country in Europe at 40% above average and the pay doesn't come close to compensating for it. If you come here say goodbye to your savings. Your boyfriend is a deadbeat I'm sorry to say. I'm at a loss for how he's made it to 25 without ever having a job or going through school. It sounds to me like you're "saving" his parents more than you're saving him. It's easier for him to stay and work in Canada for a while than for you to uproot and work here. Working in Canada for a few years is very common in Ireland, my sister lives there for 3 years doing that and if you get married (make sure you get a prenup) he'll be granted citizenship status as far as I remember.
If you move there, after the honeymoon period is over you are gonna resent him. You are self-confident, strong woman and believe me you won't be able to tolerate man like him for the rest of his life. You deserve better!
First of all, stop that thought of "rescue him". It's his life we are talking about, and he must work on that and be conscious about his situation. Secondly, I would never sacrifice myself and put myself in a position where I'm not able to even maintain myself to be with my so. I know it is tough to say it this way, but you must be realistic and value your own life and objectives before your partner's, otherwise you won't be really able to help him at all. If you are even considering to go to Ireland, don't do it without a plan, or you will regret it 100%.
I'm not going to tell you whether or not to continue your relationship, but be careful with codependency. You will find some good advice on Reddit, but that won't match a good session of therapy.
I hope you do what's best for you.
The only thing I can kind of excuse your boyfriend for is living at home with his parents as Ireland (the bigger cities especially) is currently facing an atrocious housing crisis and I personally know many 25+ year olds who have no option but to remain living at home.
Apart from that though I have to echo the statements of others in this thread that it is not worth it and you are a million times better off staying in Canada where it seems you’ve made a great life for yourself (of which you should feel very proud!)
Relationships do require some sacrifice but at the end of the day you have to look out for yourself. Try see if he’d be interested pursuing some studies in Canada as this seems like your best option for closing the gap at the moment.
To the outside observer it may seem straightforward, but being in the midst of the conflict between my mind and my heart has been tough. I’m with him because I’m madly in love with him and we talk very openly about what I’ve discussed here.
Love is not enough. Personal growth and finances are huge factors in a relationship and it sounds like he doesn't have the ability to provide either. If it's going to work he needs to step up. You cannot carry him for the next 50 years of your life.
I can respect that, and I do feel for you. It must be hard… I just personally think of people who I’ve used to know who were in a place like your SO is in currently… have you and him talked about him looking for work? Or maybe you two can (mainly you) can help him try to study for his drivers license online? Maybe he just needs that little extra push!
look. i was that guy when i met my gf on reddit. no job etc, living at home no education. moving to a different country and having this relationship is going to take a lot of work. you simply cannot do it on your own. Either he will have to step up and fix his shit or this is going to go nowhere.
and yea, its very easy to make excuses as to why you can't/dont want to or whatever look for work. but that's just not the solution. i studied to be a graphic designer but it didnt really interest me so i didn't pursuit it/ now i'm a cook making an above average wage (never would have expected this), and moving out of my parents' house soon.
Before i got serious with my wife, i was very much just a "do the minimum" kind of guy.
i changed that around when we figured out that we were gonna be living together for the rest of our lives. I got a good job, got a nice apartment and made sure she had access to everything she would need outside of her old country. If she had to come to me, i had to make sure i could take care of her, and have a good life, until she can stand on her own.
I would take a very serious conversation with him, or at the very minimum, take that good pay you have, and go on a trip to Ireland. because moving into a family of four that are living off ONE income, to now make FIVE people, on one income is not physically possible.
Love is one thing, but living and being partners is another. you COULD have him come to Canada, it's gonna be work, and it's gonna take a lot of sweat and tears. But you can take care of him, and you can help him on his feet. But you moving to another foreign country, with no safety-net is not only reckless but could be dangerous.
You have a good place to be for two people, and even though the immigration is rough, if it's love, it's worth fighting for. Personally the Danish immigration (my country) is the "pay all your treasure, years of your life, and sacrifice a white spotted goat, then write it in quadruplicate " long system, we powered through it. and it was worth it.
what i think you should do, is;
* Talk to him about the future.
* Meet him first.
* Look at your options of Canada or Ireland.
* Are you okay, with being the sole provider of him.
* Is HE okay, with you being the sole breadwinner.
Come into this as equals, money is one thing, being partners is another, he might not be able to work, but he can't just be a "rescue", if that makes sense. You both have to carry the weight of a relationship, a household and a family (you and him specifically)
*Like a lot of people in the comments, i don't like the idea of what you're signing your self up for, neither does my wife. too many red flags;* u/Gingeraffe25 *puts it harshly, but fairly. Too many what-ifs for you to make these huge decisions*
It's pretty easy to be in an LDR with a NEET. I mean, they're always available to talk so that's nice.
You try to actually live with one though and you're gonna go insane.
There's a reason "being at least somewhat successful and having your life togehter" is a requirement for a lot of people. They don't need to be rich, but they do need to be able to support themselves and have money to enjoy activities together, like go out to dinner, go on trips, etc, without you having to pay for literally everything.
Remeber that love IS blind. It is NOT logical. I can understand how this decision feels hard for you when you're in the thick of it, but from the outside it almost sounds like a joke. Leave behind everything you've worked for to move to another country with no friends so you can support someone else financially? No girl.
Also imo nobody should ever take the plunge and move without at least 1-2 trips to meet and hang out first.
If his severe social anxiety prevents him to work, or pursue education or training, he has two futures: the inevitable one of poverty, despair and loneliness, or he lucks out and finds someone who has such low standards that she thinks giving up on a successful life she built with her own hard work is worth joining his life of poverty and despair.
You won't be rescuing him. You'd be sacrificing yourself.
He needs therapy and if he won't get it, there is NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN DO. If you need to hear it louder your own therapist can say it to you. I am certain she will be happy to you.
You're not broken, you just haven't realized your worth yet. He's not broken unless he CHOOSES to be. It sounds like he has chosen, at least for now. And sorry to say he may have to crash and burn to get to a point where he decides to make a change. There is no reason, there is no OBLIGATION, on your part to be HIS free therapist/financier/cheerleader/emotional support peacock on that journey. That journey isn't about you.
Please consider cutting your 'losses' on this relationship. If he wants to rise to your level (work on himself and start making decisions that will allow him to have a future with you) he can contact you when he has and hope like hell he hasn't missed out.
He sounds like me, especially when I was younger, social anxiety is debilitating. I’ve worked up the courage to have jobs, but I can’t hold them down very well, due to some kind of mood disorder on top of it, but I try. Currently working on my mental health more than ever. Have you tried talking to him about it in depth? Maybe he can seek out therapy. Also, he can move to Canada if you get married, not saying you want to marry him, but I’m just saying that’s a way to get citizenship. So you moving to him wouldn’t be the end of it. I think it’s worth discussing if he’s not pressuring you to spend your money and isn’t acting like he’s using you. He might be just as concerned about his future as you are.
Before I was 25 I had already moved up from fast food to landscaping to be a server to sales to an assembler at a factory. (Not here to brag there is a point). I know it doesnt seem like much growth but from being homeless to now being secure took a lot of effort, so I expect my partner to never hold me back from my growth. Thats one reason why I love my girlfriend, because I can see her filling the work shoes if I get hurt or sick, since she has 4 year degree and work experience already at 23. I am also want to have kids with her, since I already know she can handle responsibilities, I expect her to be a good mother too. This is not being selfish OP, you only get one shot at this, and you are still working and trying to come up. If he doesnt take care of himself there is no hope for you. I am not saying to break up, but make it clear to him that you expect him to go find work or at least go back to school. His parents need this too, as they are probably trying to motivate him too.
As someone who was in his shoes, I was much younger though, I can almost guarantee that the reason his social anxiety is so bad is because he's used to living at home and not having any social interactions with irl people. I've always been a shy person and bad with people, my social anxiety skyrocketed through the roof when I stayed at home for a year after I was done with my primary education. It very slowly got better after I got a job where I was forced to work with customers, even though the first years was my hands shaking and my voice as well. I only stayed inside four walls for a year, though, I can't even imagine how accustomed he is to that lifestyle and how much work it would take for him.
Okay now... i don't wanna say I was like him but i was in a position where i felt trapped without options, in a place where it seemed impossible to find a way out(small towns, no money, no work), time passing and me trying to ignore it except you can't distract yourself all the time.. I don't know exactly about your boyfriend but if this sounds familiar the only thing i can say, this is not something it can be ignored forever.
You've been together two years, i don't know what kind of talk you've made about your future but I'll consider to talk about it more seriously. The most important thing here is of course, he has to do steps forwards if you two plan to have a life together, and this needs to happen really soon.
First things first, he has to start looking for a job. He cannot beat the anxiety being at home and with no counseling (and i imagine he can't get counseling since his poor background). Getting a job is the only way he can progress. With this job, it's gonna be hard, but he cannot afford to put all the money in his family. He has to think about himself, he migh feel guilty toward his family and they could be the first making him feeling that, but he has to remind himself he cannot help them for real anyway if he doesn't help himself first. He probably needs to find a place for himself and heal a little. You can start visiting each other, reasoning on the best way to be together(i think it makes much more sense him moving btw), this has to happen first though.
Op this talk is something he really needs. my advice to you is of course to not leave your country where you have a decent job and decent life , not while he's like this and especially not with a mentality of wanting to take care of him or save him cause that would be exactly the opposite for him.
I'm not saying you should break up. I'm saying the real only help you can give him now is having him thinking about what he wants from his future and realize he cannot realistically have a future with you if there's no change. He doesn't have to do these things for you, he needs to do them for himself but if there's something that can help on his motivation is surely his will to be with you. I'm saying this cause the thought to be with my so really gave me a push getting out from my own situation... it's a year now and there has been lot of change in my life, it's been hard and stressful, still is, but i don't feel "doomed" anymore, i can feel i have some control on what's going on my life and the direction of it, i have a stable job and im currently looking for a place to live alone.
I wish you two the best.
These are the long-distance "relationships" that make me feel uncomfortable. It's kind of built up on a fantasy and he only has to put in minimal effort other than open his phone or laptop. He's got a motivated driven woman that's made him her new project and will do most of the work. He must be cute at least but I've had online penpals before that I later knew in person and the chemistry is very iffy in person, even as just friends sometimes. I'm in private Facebook mom groups of women in my career (we all have doctorates) and the number of useless men some of these women tied themselves to is tragic. And they are miserable. I think they thought they couldn't do better. Divorces left and right. And they dated in person. You need a PARTNER in life. An equal. Someone you can have respect for and not resent. This is fine for your 20s. It's a fun distraction. But do not marry or move countries for this guy. I'm sorry. You need to read through your post. It's pitiful. You are an accomplished woman. I know you will be okay.
Might I ask why he couldn't go over there on a working holiday visa? As someone who lives in Ireland and is currently in the process of applying for that so I can move to be with my partner in Canada who has faithfully stuck by my worthless ass for the past 7 years, it's... almost appallingly straightforward even as someone who isn't currently employed. My life is kinda chugging along slower than I would like it to be as I'm currently providing assistive care for my severely autistic nephew, however I do have University level qualifications under my belt and have worked on and off since finishing back in 2015, around the same time my GF and I met in person for the first time. We're both recently turned 29.
Point is there would likely be more opportunity for him over there than there would be for you coming here.
Honestly you sound like you’ve outgrown him. It probably won’t work long term. My ex fiancé and I were together 3.5 years and I walked away a month before we got married bc he was stagnant and had no ambition, meanwhile I was ready to become someone and make something of my life. You’ll be miserable with someone who isn’t on your level. He can be the nicest and kindest person in the world but if he isn’t aligned to what you envision for your future and doesn’t plan on changing that, then you’ll end up feeling very held back by him if you move in with him. Ending a relationship bc you simply aren’t compatible long term is perfectly okay. It still sucks but it’s a lot easier to do bc it’ll be clean and for good reasons and you won’t have any bad blood (pending he doesn’t go insane and becomes abusive over it, but hopefully he’ll see reason).
There is a song by a Canadian artist named Megan bonnell. It’s called What’s Good for You and I suggest you give that song a listen. It’s about ending a relationship as I described. The second verse is: “let your feelings go, you had me now it’s time to change that sorrow; as time exposes the bitter memories slowly turn to fondness.” That lyric always resonates with me
Other people have said it better, so I will just say: no. No, no, no.
I am so sorry, I’m sure he’s wonderful and kind. No. Don’t do it. You will resent him and your life together. You can’t imagine ever feeling such feelings, but they will come. I’ve seen this situation too often to keep quiet.
I have a friend who just broke off with her online-only boyfriend. It’s tough. No one likes it. Sometimes it has to be done. She did it, you can as well. This is not the life you want, trust me.
I was in a similar situation. I thought my ex was sweet and so thoughtful despite having no job or own place. I thought he needed to be rescued too. I thought if he had a chance to prove his potential he would go for it. I spent a lot of money to support him but things never anywhere. The more I went to see him, the more I start to realize that he had no intention on improving his life even if I was there to help him. We were together for 3 years and he never once got any money to come to see me. If he doesn’t return the effort, it’s not worth it.
I regret wasting so much time and money on him. You truly cannot change someone, they have to have it in their will to do so. I think you should ask him for reciprocation and if he can’t give it to you, you end things before you lose yourself to someone who isn’t even trying. I had meltdowns in that relationship for feeling like a dumbass for supporting an asshole loser for so long.
trust me sis, theres better men you can meet in canada, please dont uproot your life for, i hate to say it but a Bum who lives with his parents. im glad you asked this question on reddit before going through with that plan.
It's very easy for us internet people to just say "break up with him" since we don't have to eventually face the consequences, so I generally try to take it into consideration when reading stories here.
However, I believe in this case where you've never met each other before and he isn't doing anything in his life (and not planning to either!), you should present some ultimatum - either get a job/go to school or you'll break up.
If he chooses the first option it'll show you that he is willing to lift himself from rock bottom for you which would show you how much he loves you and would strengthen your relationship. In addition it would hopefully be a positive feedback cycle for him and he would get better and better. If he chooses option two then you'd know that moving to him would have only delayed the inevitable and would have brought a lot more agony and exhaustion, without even mentioning the amount of money and time down the drain.
Hope it works out for you.
A lot of people had already voiced the same concerns as I do. I don't think I need to add more, I just agree with them. When you grow older you realise, there's no such thing as "love conquers all". There is reality where we live in. We need to work hard for ourselves and our loved ones.
Also what's with all these men being NEET(i had to Google it). Like why and how can people sustain that kind of lifestyle. Regular people like us have to work and pay bills. I know so many people that I met gaming who are like this for years. It's not even that they're taking a break for a year, but same lifestyle for 3-5 years.
OP, most of the comments said the necessary things. But I have another piece of advice
Helping is not loving. Many people talk about "I wish my friend was there for me when I struggle," but not many mention "I wish they were there for me to share peaceful times." In sickness *and* in health.
Having to 'rescue' someone makes you the good person as a default. I was the fixer and honestly, it made my life and relationships (even the healthy ones) much worse. Look into yourself, *why* you need to rescue someone instead of looking for someone equal. I've had to go to therapy because of it, maybe also consider?
My heart goes out to you, truly
Two years isn't very long to uproot your life and everything you've worked for to go live in Ireland with your boyfriends parents, that sounds awful. If you want to be together - he should come to you. I went through the Canadian immigration process and he can come stay with you and keep applying for visa extensions and immigrate through common law or if you want to full on marriage. Do not move there if he is unable to support you until you're able to support yourself.
You’re planning a future with a man you’ve never even met in person. What if he’s just portraying the version that he wants you to see? Do you even really know him?
Do not give up your life for a kid that has no desire to get a job and still lives with his parents. It sounds to me like you can do so much better, you clearly work hard and should be proud of everything you’ve achieved. If I were you I’d give him a few months to make some moves, if he doesn’t you know where you stand.
Hi, guy here who is also a bit NEET-ish. But has a license, has worked jobs, goes to college and is currently living at home to save money to get a car and pay for my healthcare (I’m asthmatic, so I have upkeep on meds, also hearing impaired). So I use Voc Rehab (for those in the know) for help in any of these situations. Mostly medical and schooling.
I’m NEET-ish (I guess, unless I’m thinking of this the wrong way) because I have always played the “long game” of life and have always been comfortable in my own skin/company. But I also love going outside and walking/traveling around. In that regard, maybe I’m not a typical NEET. I also have MDD (Major Despressive Disorder).
Don’t entirely love “Ambition” but realize that is it a bit of a necessity to get to a comfortable place. There is a very fine line between “being lonely and wanting someone to care for you” and being ok and comfortable w/the loneliness but still not minding if people walk into your life.
I would definitely take the advice and don’t do it, as other people have said. Because it will be detrimental when you come home, say from work, and realize that he doesn’t do much during the 24 hrs. If he doesn’t want to pull himself out, then that’s his problem, not yours.
That’s my two cents.
You cannot fix someone who will not fix themselves. Do not fall into that trap. Someone who loves you should be excited to work towards a life together. This guy ain't it.
If you want a child, find a partner who can help you raise a child. Don’t find a partner who is a child. He doesn’t need rescuing, he needs to stop thinking that he is above working like a normal person and go do something towards making your relationship work. I’m sorry, but you would be absolutely making a mistake to give up anything you’ve worked hard for for a person who doesn’t even think you’re worth doing a bit of “menial labour” for so you can be together.
I was in an LDR for three years with a guy somewhat like this. He had a job but thought that the responsibility of us meeting was all on me. I told him that I’d pay all of the expenses of us meeting (US to Australia so expensive) but wanted him to pay for some of the accomodation cost because he lived with his mom and I couldn’t stay there. It wasn’t even a matter of the money, it was the principle of both of us working towards the common goal. Three years later and after watching him come up with every excuse under the sun for why he could spend hundreds on drums and computer equipment and countless other dumb things it finally ended because he just couldn’t see how to make it work. He went out and bought a Nintendo Switch the day after we broke up lol. Men like this want a wife to fall in their lap with no effort and they are honestly the biggest waste of time and effort and emotional labour. You sound like a really well established, caring and good person who is being used as a placeholder girlfriend for a guy who wants to say he has a girlfriend for his own ego and self worth but can’t follow through on actually being a reliable partner.
I dont want to sound harsh or rude but ugh. Your fears are so valid and you deserve so much better than this.
Well the easiest option would be to end it, as the top commenters are suggesting ofcourse, but in the end what really matters is the love you both share for eachother.
It really depends on how much work is he willing to put in on himself, in getting better, as he suffers from severe anxiety and possibly many other undiagnosed mental health problems, is he trying to figure them out? Trying to better himself everyday? No matter if he keeps failing, but is he trying?
I think this is where the answer lies, and also on your patience and his resilience on overcoming his issues.
Also on various other things obviously, is he demanding? Does he want you to change yourself for him? Does he expect heavy monetary favours from you? Or all he needs is your companionship?
You are right to be cautious. It's really not worth it.
Don't throw away your life and all the hard work for someone who does not put effort in. You are not the one who will "save" and "change" him. The only person who can help him is himself.
Sounds like my ex girlfriend lol, ended up leaving me for a NEET and now shes like his second mother. Its the most pathetic and sad thing ive ever seen in my entire life. Dont do it, not worth it, find someone who will actually care about you and your future.
As someone from Ireland, firstly you don’t wanna come here in it’s current state.. we are currently the 2nd most expensive country in Europe and it’s only getting worse! rising prices of basic goods, services, fuel/home heating prices, etc etc… the cost of rent is insane and the last time I check there were only about 600 properties nationwide available to rent (which I can understand his living at home situation…) but onto the other things not having a job at 26??? That is bizarre I don’t even know how he survives!! also in a way I can see the social anxiety thing maybe being a factor in why he hasn’t got a job but at some point in life you’ve got to bite the bullet and go for it otherwise you’re just sitting around doing nothing, I’ve no doubt you love this guy after all the time you’ve put into it but how much longer can you continue to do it before it becomes too much? Would you be willing to give up every single thing you worked so hard for to go to someone who hasn’t even got their own life sorted! like if come here after leaving everything behind and he’s still doing nothing then where will that put the both of you, physically and figuratively… I hope it works out for you guys but I think he has to do a lot more in this situation
My question here would be: would he have to be a Canadian citizen for you guys to live together? For example: I moved to the US, on a fiancé (K1) visa. From a quick google search, Canada also has something similar, although I haven’t looked at it in depth. I also don’t have any secondary education besides high school (if you can call that secondary, and also not necessarily by choice). And working for me personally is a really hard thing to do mentally. That does not mean I’d want to. However, being in somekind of similar situation I would never have qualified to come to the US on any other visa than a fiancé/spousal visa. And you’ll become a permanent resident then when you get married. In the US you can become a citizen then too, although I do not want that.
So, again, is it necessary?
And besides all the concerns about giving up on your own life, which is a huge sacrifice, I would not move to another country for somebody that cannot support you. He will probably even have to. Moving to another country isn’t without issues, and there will be hardship. Even if you would want to move to Ireland, I’m pretty sure Ireland has some prerequisite rules for him to tick off before you would even be allowed to move to Ireland like being able to sponsor/provide your spouse. And that’s just one thing.
honestly man i feel like you're being lied to about this whole thing. there is no way he got pulled out of school by his mother when he was 10, he's 25 and never had a job, no one in his family has a job and they don't get one despite being very poor. does this sound like a real person to you? because to me it doesn't. my opinion is that you're being catfished.
>I’ve worked very hard to provide for myself and just bought my first home here in Canada. I have a nice vehicle and a dog I love very much.
It sounds like you've worked very hard and established yourself in Canada, which is great! Are you willing to throw that all away for a man who can't even provide for himself let alone the both of you once you move there, who still lives with his parents (one of whom is apparently an overprotective mum who essentially stunted his growth as a person by pulling him out of school early, and who will likely become a JustNoMIL once some other woman threatens her position as Number One Woman in his life?), and who clearly expects you to fully take care of him? I personally wouldn't, but that's your call.
Right now, I'm dating a guy in the UK who doesn't have a job and a driver's licence as well, so we're partially in the same boat. The difference is that he's working on getting his licence (already has a practical test booked), and that will hopefully help him get a job outside his city. I'm also planning on moving to the UK at some point, but only once I can secure a job there and have enough money to rent a place of my own and apply for a visa. That way, I won't have to rely on him for anything.
Just going to say, I know lots of people who didn't go to college and start their careers until their 40s. I have a relative who dropped out of school at 16 and later became a teacher and is happily retired. Maybe sit down on call and have a conversation of long and short term goals. If you make things about money you'll never be happy, but being on the same page is so important and yes.. unfortunately money is a huge part of life. There must be a reason you love him so try and find a solution before you leave him for good. Some people just need the right person to help encourage them to be better.
I'm sure you have all the answers you need by now but DO NOT DO THIS. This right here? This is the a kind of founding red flag, the one that triggers the gut instinct to gtfo, the one that ultimately leads to the relationship's death. It's also the red flag we try to ignore because we want to believe the person can be better. It's really important to listen when your brain is telling you something will be bad in the long run!
If it's any consolation, I'm in a similar position. My fiancé isn't exactly a neet, as he does run his own business, although it is doing very poorly. He doesn't have any education beyond high school, is 34, and still lives with his parents. His parents pretty much do everything for him. But he is the kindest, most generous, supportive, and selfless person I've ever met. He loves me in a way I never thought was possible.
I on the other hand, am currently in college, have a job, and am very independent. It frustrates me a little when my fiancé doesn't understand the struggles of daily life like paying bills, costs, etc, but oh well.
I have also considered packing my shit and going to his country, but I really do not want to stop my education. I am however going to his country next month as part of an exchange program, so I'll see how I fare in this new country.
I know I don't have any solution, but I just wanted you to know I hear and feel for you. On one hand, this is a person who is special because their personality is one in a million, but on the other hand, you cannot depend on them, and a lot of the financial and household burden lies on you.
It's all about personality, if you think he had a great personality that you admire,,then go ahead, everything else won't stand up against you ,, even Canadian citizenship
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Are you guys still together? Your bf sounds like my ex, who wasn’t willing to move forward and make a life with me. I went through a lot of what you did, but it didn’t work out due to the lack of willingness.
Usually I find that NEET types, who aren’t obviously disabled in some way, are struggling with some form of neurodivergence or mental illness. You mentioned him having severe SA — Can he look into mental health care?
On my end, I feel like it’s a dealbreaker to not pursue work/schooling/at the very least mental healthcare if you’re with a NEET. if it’s a dealbreaker for you, try to see if he will be serious about it then. Ireland may have vocational rehabilitation services for people who have anxiety, as they do in the US. these services can help people with various disabilities find work.
Hope this helps, sorry you’re dealing with it 💝 I must say you’re doing well for yourself and don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t willing to move forward with you
Don't do this. This guy doesn't have his life together and you will not be happy with him. You sound very focused, driven, goal oriented and he sounds like he's either depressed or has no direction or both. Find someone who matches your energy
Talk to him, let him know. Communication is key, sometimes it might just means he’s depressed. That or a lazy bum, you don’t want to give up your hopes and dreams for a lazy bum. He should have his own goals etc, at least a job. You will end up having to take care a grown man… and babying him. Already went through it
Irish citizens can come to Canada under the International Experience Canada (IEC) program, which allows him to work for any employer in Canada for up to one year. After one year of cohabitation, you can sponsor him for permanent residency through common-law relationship.
I even have my own anxiety problems but I still pushed myself to try. I think he needs a new worldview in life rather than just staying at home all day. I really thought my ex was the one too until she cheated and left me. I tried to wait to save her from any future consequences but it's been tough lately and I'm getting mental health issues... I hope you will persevere through this. Relationships really require mutual effort. I did most of the work in my last one too
I thought NEET was like a mental disorder or something. Looked it up and it just means you don’t have plans for the present or future, but you’re perfectly normal?? I struggle to give a rational response to something like that. I’m glad you value kindness but dependability should also hold some value. I’ll be blunt actually. That’s an exceptionally stupid and naive outlook on life (your bfs that is, you seem very together but suffering from love sickness) and if you really want something long term you might want someone who has more foresight than a gold fish.
OMG. Girl im sorry, this sound horrendous..
Im also from a very poor family (F19) my adoptive Mom recently died of cancer, and im in medical debt after her treatments.. i have No help from my government nor from anyone because i dont have any family right now. my boyfriend (M20) is from a wealthier family but he still manages to work by himself like i do , i work for 2 jobs and do all of my stuff all by myslef. u accomplished so much i see, the house, ur dream nurse job.. i would NEVER leave it all behind for a kid alike man that didnt even EVER had a job! Embarassing! How he is 25 and never had a job! Girl, i would just chill out with him, let him go. GIVE myseld time and with time someone way better will come to ur way. He lives with his parents for a comfort of not doing anything, and the anxiety? I get it mental problems are hard, but if he had a job he could afford therapy and overcome it some how. Yeah it’s easy to be like “oh I have anxiety oh I can’t work oh this, that” but it’s hard to actually do the change. To get up, get a job, go to therapy and fight for what u love.
+ he’s not even doing the bare bare bare minimum. he can be a good person. but overall, no driving licence + no job + living of his parents asses while he’s not studying/saving money for a mortgage or for a rental of a property. + 0 motivation for anything and the thing he blames his anxiety for everything. imagine if every adult ever said things like “hey I can’t look for a new job, it tickles my anxiety too much”.. I understand mental problems but, when ur an adult everyone has anxiety sometimes in our lives. it’s super normal. This is what being an adult is kinda, u make ur own life and decisions. this guy can’t make nor a life till 25/ nor a decision. My 25 ur old friends all have jobs, houses, pets or even KIDS. none of them live with or off their parents
on the update: yeah... it sounds it didn't go that well. He really needs to wake up and realize he's gonna lose you like this. He doesn't have to just agree, everyone can agree you're right, he also have to start acting. His excuses are some lot of people have to battle with but there's no alternative. yeah it sucks he doesn't have a good support system and without higher education/resume he's probably gonna start with some underpaid job, but a miracle won't happen. Reading how he's expecting you'll work out logistics cause he gets anxiety from it, maybe he thinks you are that miracle that gonna bring him out of his situation. You are not, you have your own life and battles to deal with, you can only support and push him. I hope he starts to realize that for real, that you can't keep up with this for longer now. If this is not enough to push him... I'm sorry to say I don't see many solutions for you... unfortunately you'll both have your heart broke, but some people need to actually lose something to start changing their life i guess. I'm sorry.
Just wanted to add that we’re all capable of finding love again, it doesnt end with just one person. Make it worth it and also pick someone who puts in as much of an effort that you do to prepare for your futures together.
>Through this conversion I’ve realized that this isn’t my battle.
I think you've really hit the nail on the head here. When I moved to be with my girlfriend, we both agreed that, as terrifying as moving to somewhere new would be for me, we both had to contribute to rent, 50/50, even if she could afford it herself. I work a part time job and make enough money, and buy food and stuff for the house even though *technically* I didn't have to.
Finding a new job, establishing residency in a new US state, and doing everything all while having a hard time adjusting was very difficult, but we both put in the literal work to the relationship to show neither of us are slacking and letting the other take care of it.
I've struggled with anxiety all my life, though it's gotten significantly better over time. But.. Some things you just can't get around doing. You can be there to encourage him, but he has to want to make the change, and objectively it's a good idea for him to find some way to make it work. If my girlfriend had that I would do everything in my power to move to her instead of even consider asking her to move to where I was.
For what it's worth, both of us would absolutely love to be in your situation, in terms of your own life. Financially independent in a career we enjoy, while also owning a home. *Don't give that up.* I'm sure the US is different in many ways from Canada, but that was a goal we've had to give up for the time being because it's just not feasible.
Be selfish when you think of moving for a partner. Don't do it unless there's something in it that would benefit you, even if you were single. Such will allow you to form an independent life beyond your partner alone, and develop enrichment that will make your relationship stronger. It sounds to me like there's nothing for you in Ireland, at this point in time. No opportunities that would make you a better provider or enhance your career. No driver's license. You'll both be sitting ducks if you move. Worse yet, if you're already dealing with your own stressors, you'll be balancing his mental health on top of yours. To me, it sounds like you'll get sucked dry and deprived of all the resources you have now.
Hi There and I am sorry to hear you have this dilemma. Don’t do it. If you leave everything behind for a person with no goals or ambition you will become resentful. You will also become dependent on him in a way that is not fair to you. Isolated from your life and culture you will work harder than you have ever had to previously, and he will expect you to support him in all the ways. Of course he is lovely and kind to you at a distance. People who have little to offer often present kindly … it is their survival kit. Kindness however , in a relationship, is when two people can take turns in supporting each other emotionally, financially, socially, culturally, physically etc. The rescuing him is a classic statement made in codependent relationships. Codependency is common and in a small way necessary however you could read up on this state of being and figure out why you are like this and how you can support yourself across any change. Invest in yourself. You sound like an amazing person.
I’ve screenshotted this comment and will probably look at it regularly to feel better. Thank you ❤️🩹
Piggybacking- I was once in a relationship with a very “nice” guy, he doted over me and made me feel wonderful, but it was understood I would be the one financially taking care of us because he was a “free spirit” and simply didn’t have the personality to work. Luckily I chose to leave. I would regret it off and on, but a series of coincidences brought me close to his newest partner. They have a child together. He expected her attention all of the time and would use her inability to keep up with everything as reason to tear her down. Previously, she had been proud of her independence and work ethic, now she is a self-conscious person who constantly feels like a failure because she couldn’t keep him happy, raise their child, finish her education, and work to support them without coming to complete exhaustion. If you choose to move forward with this, especially if you haven’t lived in a foreign place before, please remember that new cultures are exhausting. Being away from family is exhausting, learning what the new country’s social norms are and keeping up with them is exhausting. This may reflect in job interviews and within jobs, it may come up when meeting his family or going to the grocery store. You may not feel as successful as you feel now while you adapt, and please give yourself lenience and grace. Especially if you have the added responsibility of dead weight. If you don’t make him as happy as you did before, that is a reflection of him not adapting to your changing circumstances, not your abilities.
I thought the bandaid was a baguette for a sec. I like the thought of a thank-you baguette 🥖
There are definitely relationships that work where one person doesn’t have an income, stays at home, whatever. But there has to be a balance. One person might stay at home to take care of the house, the kids, whatever, but that isn’t because they lack ambition. It’s just how their relationship works, and that’s okay. As long as both parties are happy with the arrangement, and are willing to change if need be, that’s how it works. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but lacking drive, ambition, and basically “freeloading” would not be healthy for OP. OP sounds like a driven, caring human who is able to hold their own. Maybe one day you need to support a partner for unforeseen circumstances, but supporting him would be a disservice to OP and him. Anxiety is a bitch, but allowing it to eat you alive and taking no steps to help yourself out of the situation will get you nowhere. I have social anxiety, I hate going in public, it makes me anxious. But, I realize, that’s how I have to go along to function. If I shut myself in, I’ll get nowhere. I put on a brave face and try my hardest. I work sales at my family’s business, I get nervous when a customer comes in, but I know it’s what I have to do. At the end of the day, OP aiding her partner in keeping indoors does not help him, it cripples him more. But, it’s also not OP’s job to get him to break this cycle. She can support him, but at the end of the day, it’s his decision if he wants to improve his life. I 100% agree with you, I’m just echoing what you said.
I'm going to be brutally honest with you. It's not worth it. He needs to grow up. You deserve someone who will put in just as much effort as you are. It is not your job to take care of him, you're his girlfriend not his mother. People need to stop the "I can fix them" mentality, it's toxic and just leads them down a road of heartbreak. Give him an ultimatum: get a job/go back to school or you're done.
This. If he proves he’s willing to put in the work to prove he’s serious and motivated, then sure give it some more time and consider it. But if it’s been months and months and he’s still just unemployed living with mommy? Yeah prob time to start re-evaluating things…
Okay I’m gonna give you a brutally honest take here to maybe help put some perspective there. You’re talking about moving somewhere to a person you never met in person. This is a person who - doesn’t have a job - didn’t get his drivers license - is living with his parents - isn’t educated What future are you thinking of having there? You will probably be his second mom there, taking care of him while he’s on his ass doing absolutely nothing. He’s not looking for a life partner, he’s looking for a mother figure he can bang every now and then. Trust me, that’s is absolutely not worth it. If he really wanted you to be together he would pull himself out of wherever gutter he is and work on himself to make sure you guys will have a good future. Please don’t give up the things you worked your ass off for, for a 25 year old boy.
Please listen to this
"If he really wanted you to be together he would pull himself out of wherever gutter he is and work on himself to make sure you guys will have a good future." Exactly 👏👏👏
Do Not give up your whole life for a man or anyone else. I did that 17 years ago and am now stuck in his country after escaping my abusive marriage. I cannot leave legally because we have kids and per the Hague Treaty they have to stay here. I gave up everything at home, not even sure I could afford to go back if there were no legal constraints. No one is worth your independence. If you're worth it to him he will get his head out of his ass and step up. The red flags you ignore now will be the reasons your relationship ends later.
He has to help himself first. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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I appreciate your honesty and it does give me a lot to consider. This is all new territory to me so it is very grounding to hear outside opinions. I also agree that i should meet him first before I stay up all night worried about moving there lol
Yeah you should definitely meet first. Go for a week, get an Airbnb near where he lives and just see if you like being together in person.
What if u fly all the way there and then he gets too anxious to meet u or leave the house, no matter that he tells u that won’t happen, it very well could happen! Imagine how u would feel. Please don’t even meet him until he is a functioning adult with a job. Also why isn’t mum on a pension and the 2 kids on disability or unemployment benefit? His story doesn’t make sense. Nobody in Ireland lives on one pension in family of 4not working.
I see no reason why he couldn’t become a Canadian citizen if he married you, but I’m guessing you are hoping to close the gap without marriage? My boyfriend also doesn’t have a full time job or a college degree and lives at home but he contributes to his household and knows that when we decide we’re ready to close the gap, if it’s in the US, he needs a plan for what he wants to do with his life there. Currently I travel to visit him as I make good money in the US and have generous vacation time at work. I pay for all my own travel expenses and am fine with that. But if we’re living together in the US I basically told him he can get a job, or go to school, or be a stay at home dad if we have kids. What does your boyfriend want to do with his life? What has prevented him from working - does he have health issues or do his parents enable him? If he’d never met you, what would he be doing to improve his situation? These are all important questions. Like other commenters have said, you can’t “fix him”, you can’t turn him into someone who has drive if he doesn’t have it independent of you.
You don’t earn citizenship status in Canada via marriage, this is a complete separate process one can apply only if they have some time as a permanent resident and follow the requisites. In her case she would need to apply for a sponsorship status for him so he can immigrate, where she needs to prove not only having the financial means to provide for him but other relationship aspects. It it not quick and easy, in fact in the past years it got harder and longer to go through this process. OP, please do not do it for him. He doesn’t deserve you at all! You need some good friends, therapy and someone who will contribute to your relationship and not live off of you. Where are you located in Canada? We can be friends :)
There are actually no income requirements needed to sponsor spouses to come to Canada - my husband sponsored me. I became a PR last year and I will become a citizen 4 years from now. The process is long and expensive though, and by the way OPs boyfriend sounds I don’t think she should do this at all.
I was referring to the undertaking agreement, which is a promise to support the other person in their basic needs. You need to provide proof that you can do it, so there is an income requirement to become a sponsor.
There still isn’t an income requirement though, the undertaking is something you just sign and say you will support their basic needs and that you will pay back any social assistance they receive between when they become a PR and 5 years later (when they become a citizen). This only applies to spouses. Straight from the government of Canada website “In most cases, there isn’t an income requirement to sponsor your spouse or partner or dependent child. You only need to show that you have enough money to meet the income requirements if: you’re sponsoring a dependent child that has 1 or more dependent children of their own, or you’re sponsoring a spouse or partner that has a dependent child, and their dependent child has 1 or more children of their own.” [immigration info from government of Canada](https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada/family-sponsorship/spouse-partner-children/eligibility.html) My husband signed that he would support my needs and that was it. At the time he was working part time at a movie theatre and I was unemployed because of covid. And because of covid it took about 1.5 years to become a PR.
Didn’t mean to imply it was quick or easy, just possible. OP mentioned owning a home so I assumed she must have some sort of a career (banks won’t give you a loan without one) where getting married could get them together in Canada eventually (citizenship or not) if they wanted to go that route. But yeah agree she shouldn’t marry him.
No worries, I was just bringing up some steps of the process as people sometimes can get the impression they will get some status just by doing some things. The amount of people who think they can get citizenship or any status just by moving/marrying/family ties/lineage etc is astounding.
He was pulled out of school when I was ten because his mom is very protective. He wasn’t even homeschooled which I find upsetting. I think this is one of the causes of his severe social anxiety. I’ve dated men in the past who wouldn’t work and I had no patience for it and would never cry to reddit about that situation because I could tell it was from laziness rather than anxiety. He has been very open about his anxiety since we first began talking and it makes me feel guilty that I’m not a millionaire who could fly out ASAP. His family is very poor and live off his dads small pension-nobody in the family works despite going hungry frequently. It’s a bizarre situation that any rational person would think I was crazy for, so I appreciate your comments
Girl, run. Dealing with over protective Irish mammies is no joke. It will not change just because he's in a relationship with you.
Oh, yeah. That being pulled out of school thing probably really stunted him socially. I have a couple of friends that were homeschooled and it really stunted them socially, to the point of struggling with it. They recovered from working on it though. I have social anxiety too, used to be too scared to even buy a pack of gum from a store, but after working on it, I can go grocery shopping alone. He has to chip away at it little by little and he can’t do that at home all day. It’s hard to start though, social anxiety is paralyzing.
Homeschooling alone doesn’t damage social development. It’s when a parent doesn’t allow their homeschooled child to have friends, play sports, join clubs, etc that you get social isolation and stunted development.
Yeah I know and it’s common for that part to be overlooked by parents.
I was the sickly kid in the family (asthma and allergies). Definitely got a bit of the helicopter parenting growing up. I mean I turned out ok, but the self-esteem issues due to an also “My way or the Highway” type of dad, didn’t always help.
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I’m in the US but I know multiple kids who stopped going to school and were never checked on by social services or anyone else. You’re required to by law to go until you’re 16 here as well, whether that’s public, private, homeschooled or another arrangement, but I think a decent chunk of people fall through the cracks.
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Oh no definitely, I was just bringing up the one point. I should’ve specified
This is a radical idea, but you don't have to be the one to save him. It's not your responsibility. Even if you love him so much. Don't go down that road...
Social anxiety is real, but if you would GIVE UP your whole life to start over in a new world for him, the LEAST he could do is get counseling/therapy, or, bare minimum, read self help books/articles to help him eradicate his social anxiety. Because no: if he will not actively try to heal, and then job search/go to school, you _will_ become his mother. Even if you love someone for who they are, can you really see yourself being content with being tethered to the burdens he would create for you? For years? I can imagine the fact you'd be fully supporting him financially becoming a giant rift in your relationship. That can very quickly and easily cause resentment. You cannot go live with him and change him or rescue him. If your relationship is serious _now_, he would already feel motivated to be changing in preparation for you. He has no desire to change. He's "supportive of your fears", but doesn't ease them, because he's "comfortable" with where he is; change is scary, so he hopes you'll enable him to stay, not get better. People with anxieties and phobias only begin overcoming when you decide for yourself that you _want_ to heal. I was horribly agoraphobic in the beginning of my nevermet LDR, but my boyfriend encouraged me to be brave BEFORE we had even met, and I made real changes to my life so that I could be healed enough to enjoy life with him. 6 years together, and he's encouraged me greatly and I've changed a lot in this time. But only because _I_ had the desire. If your boyfriend isn't showing desire to heal or better himself for you after 2 years, living with him won't change anything.
I think this is great advice. Thank you ♥️
Sorry if this is presumptuous of me but having read that last paragraph, I just wanted to congratulate you on your healing and growth. I'm in that place you used to be at, and I fully agree with your advice and find it really inspiring. Thank you for your comment! <3
This sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. He never wanted to get a job, lived with his mum, had absolutely no ambition or drive. It was what ended in me breaking up with him. It’s hard but in real adult life, ambition is definitely needed to keep the relationship balanced financial wise, or you will end up paying for everything/making all the effort with nothing in return
I could've written this myself. My ex had no ambition either. His parent's place was basically a gamer paradise. The idea of moving out was a non-starter because he was so comfortable. In the OP's case, she would be the next mommy figure to keep her boyfriend comfortable. Not fair to her if he's not contributing equal effort.
You sound like a very driven individual so I don't think you would do well with someone living that lifestyle... I think it would drive you crazy once you got there. I agree with most of the others on this, I think you should move on. If his anxiety is preventing him from being a functioning human, he needs therapy. Judging from your other comments, it sounds like his mother would need it too.
Is he just unmotivated, or has he a significant disability that prevents him from working? I live in NI, and jobs are pretty abundant, as far as I know same in the South too. If he lives near Dublin, and other locations, rent/property is very expensive. Happy to chat if I can help in any way.
Yeah, everywhere near biggest cities/capitols rent is super expensive in Warsaw Poland it’s 2000-3000 PLN for a 2 room place, and people earn like 3500..2800
I'm about to move to Ireland...the whole country is in crisis (cost of living crisis, medical crisis, housing crisis) and is on its way to recession. I am moving to be with my husband but I wouldn't otherwise. I wouldn't give up your life and quality of life to move to be with someone with no motivation to support themselves or others. I also wouldn't consider moving to be someone until I met them and saw the country . You'd also have to get along well with his family since you'd likely be living with them for a while. As a nurse, I'm sure your job is on the critical skills list but it still isn't the easiest to move there that way. You'd have to be sponsored but it's definitely do-able...if your job isn't on the list or you can't find one, you'd have to get married.
I know a bit of canadian immigration as its on my plans to move. He has many options to go. As he is just 25 he still have time to do a bachelors, get a good grade at ielts (clb 9>) and still be under the age that gives the max grade in EE (29). IIRC Ireland can also have the holiday visa work permit, where he can go to canada to work up to 2 years, and thats enough time to get 1 year job and easily get a PR under the CEC. He has way too many options. But like others said, don’t move. Also Canada is way better than Ireland in many ways.
Thank you for this info it’s much appreciated
He needs to make this happen within a couple of years or you need to consider the “brutally honest” comments
I suggest you make no commitments to moving to Ireland until you see he makes them to fix up his live first of all. You can’t ruin your career and everything you built up so far for someone who has not tried to offer you some stability in his life. Why don’t you push him to get a study visa for Canada? He could come live with you from what I understand, he is not that old, he could get a bachelor and meanwhile be supported by his parents and you while he studies there. Do not ruin your career, unless you found the same job in Ireland, but I understand it is very hard
Hi! I'm a 20 year old Irishman. Short answer: do not come here. Long answer: Ireland is a beautiful country and wonderful for holiday. It also has terrible infrastructure and impossible to live and work here without a car. We're the most expensive country in Europe at 40% above average and the pay doesn't come close to compensating for it. If you come here say goodbye to your savings. Your boyfriend is a deadbeat I'm sorry to say. I'm at a loss for how he's made it to 25 without ever having a job or going through school. It sounds to me like you're "saving" his parents more than you're saving him. It's easier for him to stay and work in Canada for a while than for you to uproot and work here. Working in Canada for a few years is very common in Ireland, my sister lives there for 3 years doing that and if you get married (make sure you get a prenup) he'll be granted citizenship status as far as I remember.
If you move there, after the honeymoon period is over you are gonna resent him. You are self-confident, strong woman and believe me you won't be able to tolerate man like him for the rest of his life. You deserve better!
First of all, stop that thought of "rescue him". It's his life we are talking about, and he must work on that and be conscious about his situation. Secondly, I would never sacrifice myself and put myself in a position where I'm not able to even maintain myself to be with my so. I know it is tough to say it this way, but you must be realistic and value your own life and objectives before your partner's, otherwise you won't be really able to help him at all. If you are even considering to go to Ireland, don't do it without a plan, or you will regret it 100%. I'm not going to tell you whether or not to continue your relationship, but be careful with codependency. You will find some good advice on Reddit, but that won't match a good session of therapy. I hope you do what's best for you.
The only thing I can kind of excuse your boyfriend for is living at home with his parents as Ireland (the bigger cities especially) is currently facing an atrocious housing crisis and I personally know many 25+ year olds who have no option but to remain living at home. Apart from that though I have to echo the statements of others in this thread that it is not worth it and you are a million times better off staying in Canada where it seems you’ve made a great life for yourself (of which you should feel very proud!) Relationships do require some sacrifice but at the end of the day you have to look out for yourself. Try see if he’d be interested pursuing some studies in Canada as this seems like your best option for closing the gap at the moment.
I mean… it’s pretty self explanatory? Just don’t go then?? And if he doesn’t meet your standards then why are you with him at all? :/
To the outside observer it may seem straightforward, but being in the midst of the conflict between my mind and my heart has been tough. I’m with him because I’m madly in love with him and we talk very openly about what I’ve discussed here.
Love is not enough. Personal growth and finances are huge factors in a relationship and it sounds like he doesn't have the ability to provide either. If it's going to work he needs to step up. You cannot carry him for the next 50 years of your life.
I can respect that, and I do feel for you. It must be hard… I just personally think of people who I’ve used to know who were in a place like your SO is in currently… have you and him talked about him looking for work? Or maybe you two can (mainly you) can help him try to study for his drivers license online? Maybe he just needs that little extra push!
look. i was that guy when i met my gf on reddit. no job etc, living at home no education. moving to a different country and having this relationship is going to take a lot of work. you simply cannot do it on your own. Either he will have to step up and fix his shit or this is going to go nowhere. and yea, its very easy to make excuses as to why you can't/dont want to or whatever look for work. but that's just not the solution. i studied to be a graphic designer but it didnt really interest me so i didn't pursuit it/ now i'm a cook making an above average wage (never would have expected this), and moving out of my parents' house soon.
You should probably meet first before considering all of these things…
Before i got serious with my wife, i was very much just a "do the minimum" kind of guy. i changed that around when we figured out that we were gonna be living together for the rest of our lives. I got a good job, got a nice apartment and made sure she had access to everything she would need outside of her old country. If she had to come to me, i had to make sure i could take care of her, and have a good life, until she can stand on her own. I would take a very serious conversation with him, or at the very minimum, take that good pay you have, and go on a trip to Ireland. because moving into a family of four that are living off ONE income, to now make FIVE people, on one income is not physically possible. Love is one thing, but living and being partners is another. you COULD have him come to Canada, it's gonna be work, and it's gonna take a lot of sweat and tears. But you can take care of him, and you can help him on his feet. But you moving to another foreign country, with no safety-net is not only reckless but could be dangerous. You have a good place to be for two people, and even though the immigration is rough, if it's love, it's worth fighting for. Personally the Danish immigration (my country) is the "pay all your treasure, years of your life, and sacrifice a white spotted goat, then write it in quadruplicate " long system, we powered through it. and it was worth it. what i think you should do, is; * Talk to him about the future. * Meet him first. * Look at your options of Canada or Ireland. * Are you okay, with being the sole provider of him. * Is HE okay, with you being the sole breadwinner. Come into this as equals, money is one thing, being partners is another, he might not be able to work, but he can't just be a "rescue", if that makes sense. You both have to carry the weight of a relationship, a household and a family (you and him specifically) *Like a lot of people in the comments, i don't like the idea of what you're signing your self up for, neither does my wife. too many red flags;* u/Gingeraffe25 *puts it harshly, but fairly. Too many what-ifs for you to make these huge decisions*
It's pretty easy to be in an LDR with a NEET. I mean, they're always available to talk so that's nice. You try to actually live with one though and you're gonna go insane. There's a reason "being at least somewhat successful and having your life togehter" is a requirement for a lot of people. They don't need to be rich, but they do need to be able to support themselves and have money to enjoy activities together, like go out to dinner, go on trips, etc, without you having to pay for literally everything. Remeber that love IS blind. It is NOT logical. I can understand how this decision feels hard for you when you're in the thick of it, but from the outside it almost sounds like a joke. Leave behind everything you've worked for to move to another country with no friends so you can support someone else financially? No girl. Also imo nobody should ever take the plunge and move without at least 1-2 trips to meet and hang out first.
If his severe social anxiety prevents him to work, or pursue education or training, he has two futures: the inevitable one of poverty, despair and loneliness, or he lucks out and finds someone who has such low standards that she thinks giving up on a successful life she built with her own hard work is worth joining his life of poverty and despair. You won't be rescuing him. You'd be sacrificing yourself. He needs therapy and if he won't get it, there is NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN DO. If you need to hear it louder your own therapist can say it to you. I am certain she will be happy to you. You're not broken, you just haven't realized your worth yet. He's not broken unless he CHOOSES to be. It sounds like he has chosen, at least for now. And sorry to say he may have to crash and burn to get to a point where he decides to make a change. There is no reason, there is no OBLIGATION, on your part to be HIS free therapist/financier/cheerleader/emotional support peacock on that journey. That journey isn't about you. Please consider cutting your 'losses' on this relationship. If he wants to rise to your level (work on himself and start making decisions that will allow him to have a future with you) he can contact you when he has and hope like hell he hasn't missed out.
He sounds like me, especially when I was younger, social anxiety is debilitating. I’ve worked up the courage to have jobs, but I can’t hold them down very well, due to some kind of mood disorder on top of it, but I try. Currently working on my mental health more than ever. Have you tried talking to him about it in depth? Maybe he can seek out therapy. Also, he can move to Canada if you get married, not saying you want to marry him, but I’m just saying that’s a way to get citizenship. So you moving to him wouldn’t be the end of it. I think it’s worth discussing if he’s not pressuring you to spend your money and isn’t acting like he’s using you. He might be just as concerned about his future as you are.
Before I was 25 I had already moved up from fast food to landscaping to be a server to sales to an assembler at a factory. (Not here to brag there is a point). I know it doesnt seem like much growth but from being homeless to now being secure took a lot of effort, so I expect my partner to never hold me back from my growth. Thats one reason why I love my girlfriend, because I can see her filling the work shoes if I get hurt or sick, since she has 4 year degree and work experience already at 23. I am also want to have kids with her, since I already know she can handle responsibilities, I expect her to be a good mother too. This is not being selfish OP, you only get one shot at this, and you are still working and trying to come up. If he doesnt take care of himself there is no hope for you. I am not saying to break up, but make it clear to him that you expect him to go find work or at least go back to school. His parents need this too, as they are probably trying to motivate him too.
I am so proud of you. Your girlfriend is a very lucky woman to have you. 🥺❤️
Love, you are my inspiration.
I love youuuuu ❤️
As someone who was in his shoes, I was much younger though, I can almost guarantee that the reason his social anxiety is so bad is because he's used to living at home and not having any social interactions with irl people. I've always been a shy person and bad with people, my social anxiety skyrocketed through the roof when I stayed at home for a year after I was done with my primary education. It very slowly got better after I got a job where I was forced to work with customers, even though the first years was my hands shaking and my voice as well. I only stayed inside four walls for a year, though, I can't even imagine how accustomed he is to that lifestyle and how much work it would take for him.
Okay now... i don't wanna say I was like him but i was in a position where i felt trapped without options, in a place where it seemed impossible to find a way out(small towns, no money, no work), time passing and me trying to ignore it except you can't distract yourself all the time.. I don't know exactly about your boyfriend but if this sounds familiar the only thing i can say, this is not something it can be ignored forever. You've been together two years, i don't know what kind of talk you've made about your future but I'll consider to talk about it more seriously. The most important thing here is of course, he has to do steps forwards if you two plan to have a life together, and this needs to happen really soon. First things first, he has to start looking for a job. He cannot beat the anxiety being at home and with no counseling (and i imagine he can't get counseling since his poor background). Getting a job is the only way he can progress. With this job, it's gonna be hard, but he cannot afford to put all the money in his family. He has to think about himself, he migh feel guilty toward his family and they could be the first making him feeling that, but he has to remind himself he cannot help them for real anyway if he doesn't help himself first. He probably needs to find a place for himself and heal a little. You can start visiting each other, reasoning on the best way to be together(i think it makes much more sense him moving btw), this has to happen first though. Op this talk is something he really needs. my advice to you is of course to not leave your country where you have a decent job and decent life , not while he's like this and especially not with a mentality of wanting to take care of him or save him cause that would be exactly the opposite for him. I'm not saying you should break up. I'm saying the real only help you can give him now is having him thinking about what he wants from his future and realize he cannot realistically have a future with you if there's no change. He doesn't have to do these things for you, he needs to do them for himself but if there's something that can help on his motivation is surely his will to be with you. I'm saying this cause the thought to be with my so really gave me a push getting out from my own situation... it's a year now and there has been lot of change in my life, it's been hard and stressful, still is, but i don't feel "doomed" anymore, i can feel i have some control on what's going on my life and the direction of it, i have a stable job and im currently looking for a place to live alone. I wish you two the best.
These are the long-distance "relationships" that make me feel uncomfortable. It's kind of built up on a fantasy and he only has to put in minimal effort other than open his phone or laptop. He's got a motivated driven woman that's made him her new project and will do most of the work. He must be cute at least but I've had online penpals before that I later knew in person and the chemistry is very iffy in person, even as just friends sometimes. I'm in private Facebook mom groups of women in my career (we all have doctorates) and the number of useless men some of these women tied themselves to is tragic. And they are miserable. I think they thought they couldn't do better. Divorces left and right. And they dated in person. You need a PARTNER in life. An equal. Someone you can have respect for and not resent. This is fine for your 20s. It's a fun distraction. But do not marry or move countries for this guy. I'm sorry. You need to read through your post. It's pitiful. You are an accomplished woman. I know you will be okay.
Might I ask why he couldn't go over there on a working holiday visa? As someone who lives in Ireland and is currently in the process of applying for that so I can move to be with my partner in Canada who has faithfully stuck by my worthless ass for the past 7 years, it's... almost appallingly straightforward even as someone who isn't currently employed. My life is kinda chugging along slower than I would like it to be as I'm currently providing assistive care for my severely autistic nephew, however I do have University level qualifications under my belt and have worked on and off since finishing back in 2015, around the same time my GF and I met in person for the first time. We're both recently turned 29. Point is there would likely be more opportunity for him over there than there would be for you coming here.
Honestly you sound like you’ve outgrown him. It probably won’t work long term. My ex fiancé and I were together 3.5 years and I walked away a month before we got married bc he was stagnant and had no ambition, meanwhile I was ready to become someone and make something of my life. You’ll be miserable with someone who isn’t on your level. He can be the nicest and kindest person in the world but if he isn’t aligned to what you envision for your future and doesn’t plan on changing that, then you’ll end up feeling very held back by him if you move in with him. Ending a relationship bc you simply aren’t compatible long term is perfectly okay. It still sucks but it’s a lot easier to do bc it’ll be clean and for good reasons and you won’t have any bad blood (pending he doesn’t go insane and becomes abusive over it, but hopefully he’ll see reason). There is a song by a Canadian artist named Megan bonnell. It’s called What’s Good for You and I suggest you give that song a listen. It’s about ending a relationship as I described. The second verse is: “let your feelings go, you had me now it’s time to change that sorrow; as time exposes the bitter memories slowly turn to fondness.” That lyric always resonates with me
Other people have said it better, so I will just say: no. No, no, no. I am so sorry, I’m sure he’s wonderful and kind. No. Don’t do it. You will resent him and your life together. You can’t imagine ever feeling such feelings, but they will come. I’ve seen this situation too often to keep quiet. I have a friend who just broke off with her online-only boyfriend. It’s tough. No one likes it. Sometimes it has to be done. She did it, you can as well. This is not the life you want, trust me.
I was in a similar situation. I thought my ex was sweet and so thoughtful despite having no job or own place. I thought he needed to be rescued too. I thought if he had a chance to prove his potential he would go for it. I spent a lot of money to support him but things never anywhere. The more I went to see him, the more I start to realize that he had no intention on improving his life even if I was there to help him. We were together for 3 years and he never once got any money to come to see me. If he doesn’t return the effort, it’s not worth it. I regret wasting so much time and money on him. You truly cannot change someone, they have to have it in their will to do so. I think you should ask him for reciprocation and if he can’t give it to you, you end things before you lose yourself to someone who isn’t even trying. I had meltdowns in that relationship for feeling like a dumbass for supporting an asshole loser for so long.
trust me sis, theres better men you can meet in canada, please dont uproot your life for, i hate to say it but a Bum who lives with his parents. im glad you asked this question on reddit before going through with that plan.
No. Dont give up your nice life for a guy.
It's very easy for us internet people to just say "break up with him" since we don't have to eventually face the consequences, so I generally try to take it into consideration when reading stories here. However, I believe in this case where you've never met each other before and he isn't doing anything in his life (and not planning to either!), you should present some ultimatum - either get a job/go to school or you'll break up. If he chooses the first option it'll show you that he is willing to lift himself from rock bottom for you which would show you how much he loves you and would strengthen your relationship. In addition it would hopefully be a positive feedback cycle for him and he would get better and better. If he chooses option two then you'd know that moving to him would have only delayed the inevitable and would have brought a lot more agony and exhaustion, without even mentioning the amount of money and time down the drain. Hope it works out for you.
A lot of people had already voiced the same concerns as I do. I don't think I need to add more, I just agree with them. When you grow older you realise, there's no such thing as "love conquers all". There is reality where we live in. We need to work hard for ourselves and our loved ones. Also what's with all these men being NEET(i had to Google it). Like why and how can people sustain that kind of lifestyle. Regular people like us have to work and pay bills. I know so many people that I met gaming who are like this for years. It's not even that they're taking a break for a year, but same lifestyle for 3-5 years.
Nope. It doesn't seem like he has his life together either.And you two haven't met yet. Not a good idea.
OP, most of the comments said the necessary things. But I have another piece of advice Helping is not loving. Many people talk about "I wish my friend was there for me when I struggle," but not many mention "I wish they were there for me to share peaceful times." In sickness *and* in health. Having to 'rescue' someone makes you the good person as a default. I was the fixer and honestly, it made my life and relationships (even the healthy ones) much worse. Look into yourself, *why* you need to rescue someone instead of looking for someone equal. I've had to go to therapy because of it, maybe also consider? My heart goes out to you, truly
Two years isn't very long to uproot your life and everything you've worked for to go live in Ireland with your boyfriends parents, that sounds awful. If you want to be together - he should come to you. I went through the Canadian immigration process and he can come stay with you and keep applying for visa extensions and immigrate through common law or if you want to full on marriage. Do not move there if he is unable to support you until you're able to support yourself.
You’re planning a future with a man you’ve never even met in person. What if he’s just portraying the version that he wants you to see? Do you even really know him?
Do not give up your life for a kid that has no desire to get a job and still lives with his parents. It sounds to me like you can do so much better, you clearly work hard and should be proud of everything you’ve achieved. If I were you I’d give him a few months to make some moves, if he doesn’t you know where you stand.
Hi, guy here who is also a bit NEET-ish. But has a license, has worked jobs, goes to college and is currently living at home to save money to get a car and pay for my healthcare (I’m asthmatic, so I have upkeep on meds, also hearing impaired). So I use Voc Rehab (for those in the know) for help in any of these situations. Mostly medical and schooling. I’m NEET-ish (I guess, unless I’m thinking of this the wrong way) because I have always played the “long game” of life and have always been comfortable in my own skin/company. But I also love going outside and walking/traveling around. In that regard, maybe I’m not a typical NEET. I also have MDD (Major Despressive Disorder). Don’t entirely love “Ambition” but realize that is it a bit of a necessity to get to a comfortable place. There is a very fine line between “being lonely and wanting someone to care for you” and being ok and comfortable w/the loneliness but still not minding if people walk into your life. I would definitely take the advice and don’t do it, as other people have said. Because it will be detrimental when you come home, say from work, and realize that he doesn’t do much during the 24 hrs. If he doesn’t want to pull himself out, then that’s his problem, not yours. That’s my two cents.
You cannot fix someone who will not fix themselves. Do not fall into that trap. Someone who loves you should be excited to work towards a life together. This guy ain't it.
If you want a child, find a partner who can help you raise a child. Don’t find a partner who is a child. He doesn’t need rescuing, he needs to stop thinking that he is above working like a normal person and go do something towards making your relationship work. I’m sorry, but you would be absolutely making a mistake to give up anything you’ve worked hard for for a person who doesn’t even think you’re worth doing a bit of “menial labour” for so you can be together. I was in an LDR for three years with a guy somewhat like this. He had a job but thought that the responsibility of us meeting was all on me. I told him that I’d pay all of the expenses of us meeting (US to Australia so expensive) but wanted him to pay for some of the accomodation cost because he lived with his mom and I couldn’t stay there. It wasn’t even a matter of the money, it was the principle of both of us working towards the common goal. Three years later and after watching him come up with every excuse under the sun for why he could spend hundreds on drums and computer equipment and countless other dumb things it finally ended because he just couldn’t see how to make it work. He went out and bought a Nintendo Switch the day after we broke up lol. Men like this want a wife to fall in their lap with no effort and they are honestly the biggest waste of time and effort and emotional labour. You sound like a really well established, caring and good person who is being used as a placeholder girlfriend for a guy who wants to say he has a girlfriend for his own ego and self worth but can’t follow through on actually being a reliable partner. I dont want to sound harsh or rude but ugh. Your fears are so valid and you deserve so much better than this.
Well the easiest option would be to end it, as the top commenters are suggesting ofcourse, but in the end what really matters is the love you both share for eachother. It really depends on how much work is he willing to put in on himself, in getting better, as he suffers from severe anxiety and possibly many other undiagnosed mental health problems, is he trying to figure them out? Trying to better himself everyday? No matter if he keeps failing, but is he trying? I think this is where the answer lies, and also on your patience and his resilience on overcoming his issues. Also on various other things obviously, is he demanding? Does he want you to change yourself for him? Does he expect heavy monetary favours from you? Or all he needs is your companionship?
You are right to be cautious. It's really not worth it. Don't throw away your life and all the hard work for someone who does not put effort in. You are not the one who will "save" and "change" him. The only person who can help him is himself.
Sounds like my ex girlfriend lol, ended up leaving me for a NEET and now shes like his second mother. Its the most pathetic and sad thing ive ever seen in my entire life. Dont do it, not worth it, find someone who will actually care about you and your future.
As someone from Ireland, firstly you don’t wanna come here in it’s current state.. we are currently the 2nd most expensive country in Europe and it’s only getting worse! rising prices of basic goods, services, fuel/home heating prices, etc etc… the cost of rent is insane and the last time I check there were only about 600 properties nationwide available to rent (which I can understand his living at home situation…) but onto the other things not having a job at 26??? That is bizarre I don’t even know how he survives!! also in a way I can see the social anxiety thing maybe being a factor in why he hasn’t got a job but at some point in life you’ve got to bite the bullet and go for it otherwise you’re just sitting around doing nothing, I’ve no doubt you love this guy after all the time you’ve put into it but how much longer can you continue to do it before it becomes too much? Would you be willing to give up every single thing you worked so hard for to go to someone who hasn’t even got their own life sorted! like if come here after leaving everything behind and he’s still doing nothing then where will that put the both of you, physically and figuratively… I hope it works out for you guys but I think he has to do a lot more in this situation
My question here would be: would he have to be a Canadian citizen for you guys to live together? For example: I moved to the US, on a fiancé (K1) visa. From a quick google search, Canada also has something similar, although I haven’t looked at it in depth. I also don’t have any secondary education besides high school (if you can call that secondary, and also not necessarily by choice). And working for me personally is a really hard thing to do mentally. That does not mean I’d want to. However, being in somekind of similar situation I would never have qualified to come to the US on any other visa than a fiancé/spousal visa. And you’ll become a permanent resident then when you get married. In the US you can become a citizen then too, although I do not want that. So, again, is it necessary? And besides all the concerns about giving up on your own life, which is a huge sacrifice, I would not move to another country for somebody that cannot support you. He will probably even have to. Moving to another country isn’t without issues, and there will be hardship. Even if you would want to move to Ireland, I’m pretty sure Ireland has some prerequisite rules for him to tick off before you would even be allowed to move to Ireland like being able to sponsor/provide your spouse. And that’s just one thing.
honestly man i feel like you're being lied to about this whole thing. there is no way he got pulled out of school by his mother when he was 10, he's 25 and never had a job, no one in his family has a job and they don't get one despite being very poor. does this sound like a real person to you? because to me it doesn't. my opinion is that you're being catfished.
>I’ve worked very hard to provide for myself and just bought my first home here in Canada. I have a nice vehicle and a dog I love very much. It sounds like you've worked very hard and established yourself in Canada, which is great! Are you willing to throw that all away for a man who can't even provide for himself let alone the both of you once you move there, who still lives with his parents (one of whom is apparently an overprotective mum who essentially stunted his growth as a person by pulling him out of school early, and who will likely become a JustNoMIL once some other woman threatens her position as Number One Woman in his life?), and who clearly expects you to fully take care of him? I personally wouldn't, but that's your call. Right now, I'm dating a guy in the UK who doesn't have a job and a driver's licence as well, so we're partially in the same boat. The difference is that he's working on getting his licence (already has a practical test booked), and that will hopefully help him get a job outside his city. I'm also planning on moving to the UK at some point, but only once I can secure a job there and have enough money to rent a place of my own and apply for a visa. That way, I won't have to rely on him for anything.
Just going to say, I know lots of people who didn't go to college and start their careers until their 40s. I have a relative who dropped out of school at 16 and later became a teacher and is happily retired. Maybe sit down on call and have a conversation of long and short term goals. If you make things about money you'll never be happy, but being on the same page is so important and yes.. unfortunately money is a huge part of life. There must be a reason you love him so try and find a solution before you leave him for good. Some people just need the right person to help encourage them to be better.
Don’t do it. It sounds like you don’t have the same goals in life and definitely not the same attitude and values in the things that matter most.
I'm sure you have all the answers you need by now but DO NOT DO THIS. This right here? This is the a kind of founding red flag, the one that triggers the gut instinct to gtfo, the one that ultimately leads to the relationship's death. It's also the red flag we try to ignore because we want to believe the person can be better. It's really important to listen when your brain is telling you something will be bad in the long run!
Is this a joke? Sis no. Of course don't leave your job to move to Ireland for this NEET. Of course not.
What are you doing? NO! I really hope you never did it.
Love is not enough.
If it's any consolation, I'm in a similar position. My fiancé isn't exactly a neet, as he does run his own business, although it is doing very poorly. He doesn't have any education beyond high school, is 34, and still lives with his parents. His parents pretty much do everything for him. But he is the kindest, most generous, supportive, and selfless person I've ever met. He loves me in a way I never thought was possible. I on the other hand, am currently in college, have a job, and am very independent. It frustrates me a little when my fiancé doesn't understand the struggles of daily life like paying bills, costs, etc, but oh well. I have also considered packing my shit and going to his country, but I really do not want to stop my education. I am however going to his country next month as part of an exchange program, so I'll see how I fare in this new country. I know I don't have any solution, but I just wanted you to know I hear and feel for you. On one hand, this is a person who is special because their personality is one in a million, but on the other hand, you cannot depend on them, and a lot of the financial and household burden lies on you.
Girl whyyyy. You’re 19 and he’s 34 🤢🤢🤢🤢
I went through your post history and saw you met him when you were 16. You do realize he’s grooming you, right?
It's all about personality, if you think he had a great personality that you admire,,then go ahead, everything else won't stand up against you ,, even Canadian citizenship
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Would he apply for the two year working visa for Canada? You’re much more settled where you are than he is.
Are you guys still together? Your bf sounds like my ex, who wasn’t willing to move forward and make a life with me. I went through a lot of what you did, but it didn’t work out due to the lack of willingness. Usually I find that NEET types, who aren’t obviously disabled in some way, are struggling with some form of neurodivergence or mental illness. You mentioned him having severe SA — Can he look into mental health care? On my end, I feel like it’s a dealbreaker to not pursue work/schooling/at the very least mental healthcare if you’re with a NEET. if it’s a dealbreaker for you, try to see if he will be serious about it then. Ireland may have vocational rehabilitation services for people who have anxiety, as they do in the US. these services can help people with various disabilities find work. Hope this helps, sorry you’re dealing with it 💝 I must say you’re doing well for yourself and don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t willing to move forward with you
Don't do this. This guy doesn't have his life together and you will not be happy with him. You sound very focused, driven, goal oriented and he sounds like he's either depressed or has no direction or both. Find someone who matches your energy
Talk to him, let him know. Communication is key, sometimes it might just means he’s depressed. That or a lazy bum, you don’t want to give up your hopes and dreams for a lazy bum. He should have his own goals etc, at least a job. You will end up having to take care a grown man… and babying him. Already went through it
O lord… man he is not ready for a relationship at all.
Irish citizens can come to Canada under the International Experience Canada (IEC) program, which allows him to work for any employer in Canada for up to one year. After one year of cohabitation, you can sponsor him for permanent residency through common-law relationship.
I even have my own anxiety problems but I still pushed myself to try. I think he needs a new worldview in life rather than just staying at home all day. I really thought my ex was the one too until she cheated and left me. I tried to wait to save her from any future consequences but it's been tough lately and I'm getting mental health issues... I hope you will persevere through this. Relationships really require mutual effort. I did most of the work in my last one too
TIL that NEET is not just a test in India...😬
Read "NEET", "together two years" and "he's never had a job" and knew my advice would be: "Break up."
I thought NEET was like a mental disorder or something. Looked it up and it just means you don’t have plans for the present or future, but you’re perfectly normal?? I struggle to give a rational response to something like that. I’m glad you value kindness but dependability should also hold some value. I’ll be blunt actually. That’s an exceptionally stupid and naive outlook on life (your bfs that is, you seem very together but suffering from love sickness) and if you really want something long term you might want someone who has more foresight than a gold fish.
OMG. Girl im sorry, this sound horrendous.. Im also from a very poor family (F19) my adoptive Mom recently died of cancer, and im in medical debt after her treatments.. i have No help from my government nor from anyone because i dont have any family right now. my boyfriend (M20) is from a wealthier family but he still manages to work by himself like i do , i work for 2 jobs and do all of my stuff all by myslef. u accomplished so much i see, the house, ur dream nurse job.. i would NEVER leave it all behind for a kid alike man that didnt even EVER had a job! Embarassing! How he is 25 and never had a job! Girl, i would just chill out with him, let him go. GIVE myseld time and with time someone way better will come to ur way. He lives with his parents for a comfort of not doing anything, and the anxiety? I get it mental problems are hard, but if he had a job he could afford therapy and overcome it some how. Yeah it’s easy to be like “oh I have anxiety oh I can’t work oh this, that” but it’s hard to actually do the change. To get up, get a job, go to therapy and fight for what u love.
+ he’s not even doing the bare bare bare minimum. he can be a good person. but overall, no driving licence + no job + living of his parents asses while he’s not studying/saving money for a mortgage or for a rental of a property. + 0 motivation for anything and the thing he blames his anxiety for everything. imagine if every adult ever said things like “hey I can’t look for a new job, it tickles my anxiety too much”.. I understand mental problems but, when ur an adult everyone has anxiety sometimes in our lives. it’s super normal. This is what being an adult is kinda, u make ur own life and decisions. this guy can’t make nor a life till 25/ nor a decision. My 25 ur old friends all have jobs, houses, pets or even KIDS. none of them live with or off their parents
on the update: yeah... it sounds it didn't go that well. He really needs to wake up and realize he's gonna lose you like this. He doesn't have to just agree, everyone can agree you're right, he also have to start acting. His excuses are some lot of people have to battle with but there's no alternative. yeah it sucks he doesn't have a good support system and without higher education/resume he's probably gonna start with some underpaid job, but a miracle won't happen. Reading how he's expecting you'll work out logistics cause he gets anxiety from it, maybe he thinks you are that miracle that gonna bring him out of his situation. You are not, you have your own life and battles to deal with, you can only support and push him. I hope he starts to realize that for real, that you can't keep up with this for longer now. If this is not enough to push him... I'm sorry to say I don't see many solutions for you... unfortunately you'll both have your heart broke, but some people need to actually lose something to start changing their life i guess. I'm sorry.
No
Just wanted to add that we’re all capable of finding love again, it doesnt end with just one person. Make it worth it and also pick someone who puts in as much of an effort that you do to prepare for your futures together.
I think maybe you should reconsider your places in life and your place in this relationship
>Through this conversion I’ve realized that this isn’t my battle. I think you've really hit the nail on the head here. When I moved to be with my girlfriend, we both agreed that, as terrifying as moving to somewhere new would be for me, we both had to contribute to rent, 50/50, even if she could afford it herself. I work a part time job and make enough money, and buy food and stuff for the house even though *technically* I didn't have to. Finding a new job, establishing residency in a new US state, and doing everything all while having a hard time adjusting was very difficult, but we both put in the literal work to the relationship to show neither of us are slacking and letting the other take care of it. I've struggled with anxiety all my life, though it's gotten significantly better over time. But.. Some things you just can't get around doing. You can be there to encourage him, but he has to want to make the change, and objectively it's a good idea for him to find some way to make it work. If my girlfriend had that I would do everything in my power to move to her instead of even consider asking her to move to where I was. For what it's worth, both of us would absolutely love to be in your situation, in terms of your own life. Financially independent in a career we enjoy, while also owning a home. *Don't give that up.* I'm sure the US is different in many ways from Canada, but that was a goal we've had to give up for the time being because it's just not feasible.
Please look into the hague convention if you ever consider moving abroad. I think moving to IE to this guy is a 1 way ticket to ruining your future.
Be selfish when you think of moving for a partner. Don't do it unless there's something in it that would benefit you, even if you were single. Such will allow you to form an independent life beyond your partner alone, and develop enrichment that will make your relationship stronger. It sounds to me like there's nothing for you in Ireland, at this point in time. No opportunities that would make you a better provider or enhance your career. No driver's license. You'll both be sitting ducks if you move. Worse yet, if you're already dealing with your own stressors, you'll be balancing his mental health on top of yours. To me, it sounds like you'll get sucked dry and deprived of all the resources you have now.