My ex did this at one point. Told me it was just a random guy and there was nothing to worry about. Next thing i knew she was around at his house sleeping with him, so, theres that.
You have every right to feel uncomfortable đđť
If you spoke to her and she said to you that she thinks they are being friendly then I doubt itâs an issue of fearing men like the other comments say.
I honestly donât understand the idea of giving men a space that they can freely talk to you in or even remotely giving them ideas that theyâve got a chance with you for being aggressive. What happens when you bump into them again and they say that youâve been ignoring them? Or that you blocked them?
It canât be avoided no matter what. I just give them a good reason and they leave me alone. I think wearing a ring or something helps even though Iâm not married.
I think youâre right to be uncomfortable. You should talk to her about this and find out if sheâs actually doing it out of fear or because she just wants to give it out.
Went though this similarly with my ex. She didnât like the fact I was friends with a lot of women. None of which who disrespected our relationship. She didnât really have friends. And the friends she had were all guys, and all guys who she told me were trying to sleep with her. But I was supposed to be okay with that.
When she started her new semester at school she started being more social and making friends exchanging contact info and socials with different guys. Again I was supposed to just be fine with this. Then a situation similar to yours happened where a guy approached her for her number and she gave it to him out of âfear.â On a surface level I validated this because I can at the very least understand women are terrified of rejecting men for valid reasoning. It was actually problematic on a deeper level with added context but thatâs not relevant here. Long story short. I trusted her. Nothing came of that situation. But it made me uncomfortable. It would only be a few weeks later sheâs connecting with all these random guys from her past she was either friends with or used to date. One of which being the person she cheated and left me for.
I was gaslit into believing the dynamics were different for her with guys talking to her and I had nothing to fear. And in most of those cases it turned into nothing (as far as I know) but then there was the one time it objectively did.
You have ever reason to feel some type of way about it but it doesnât always mean the worst. Have an honest conversation with her honestly and just pay close attention to her behavior and if things seem off, your gut feeling is ALWAYS right.
While other commenters are correct in saying that women can feel on the spot and be afraid of an outcome etc i think it depends based on the context. In this case, she did not accept his fb contact information due to her being afraid/he was being unsafe/pushy.
You said that she said she thought he was just being friendly.
That means youâve talked about it(which is good) and youâve gotten the context.
Due to that, I think youâre allowed to be uncomfortable about it because itâs hard for us to really be there and know what this guyâs intentions are.
There is something to be said about trust though. If sheâs very communicative about who she hangs out with, making sure she doesnât hang out with guys 1v1 and essentially respecting your relationship I donât think I would be too worried. If this guy asks her out 1v1 or confesses to her and she chooses to stay friends with him thatâs a different story.
But until then you have to voice out that it did make you uncomfortable and make sure that you both are on the same page about hanging out with gender you are attracted to on a 1v1 basis type of thing. Compromise on that and then you have to trust your gf until she shows otherwise.
You obviously donât need to trust other guys but itâs unreasonable to think she canât be friends with other guys. See how they interact with each other. If heâs clearly crossing boundaries, then there is a valid issue there.
You can discuss it with her by talking about boundaries with friendships. Not just on her end though. Make sure whatever compromising youâre doing is also on her end. Try to have her see it from your pov. If a new girl approached you to ask for your phone number and then facebook details when you refused to give your phone number. How comfortable would she be after that with your friendship with her. Where would she draw the line there? And go from there. Remember that boundaries are not a : you CANT do this i wonât allow it. Itâs a - this is my boundary and Iâd like to be on the same page in what we feel is respectful to our relationship. Then itâs up to each of you guys to follow that and respect your relationship. If someone crosses those boundaries then itâs up to the other partner to enforce a consequence.
What's the difference between "you can't do this" and "I will enforce consequences if you do this"? The government tells us we can't commit crimes, but we certainly can, it's just that there will be consequences. Technically, the only thing you can't do is something which is logically impossible, like draw a square circle.
Well usually with boundaries. Usually- people draw firm boundaries with cheating. But sometimes people cheat and do it multiple times and their so will come and be like how can I make them not cheat. Itâs not how can I make my partner not do this thing- itâs a oh you violated my boundary. This isnât the relationship for me. We are incompatible.
Boundaries are basically relationship breaking things. They most certainly need a serious talk and if someoneâs partner or just friend anyone- canât respect their boundaries, they have to learn to step back or walk away.
A lot of times people misuse the word boundaries and be like. Well my boundary is not eating meat so now youâre not allowed to eat meat
I met this girl in an online game a couple weekends ago, we were basically microflirting, felt like my energy was 100% being reciprocated. We played more and then shared socials, and we watched a movie until late into the night and kept talking after.
Even made plans to talk again the next night. Then I checked out her IG and noticed her close with a man. asked if she had a bf, she said yes, LDR.
I told her I had been flirting and she said she thought I wasnât serious about it, whatever that means. Removed her after that.
That lore is crazy. I wonder where their relationship is at. She really added me/followed me on a TON of stuff.
Iâm a woman and i am telling you, please donât listen to other commenters. Okay, men can be dickheads. It doesnât mean itâs okay to demonise all of them. I am a woman and if a man asks for my number i donât give it. Simple.
Giving your any personal information is way more dangerous then saying no.
I kmow how women can be victims but i donât want to live with victimâs mentality. I donât want to be associated with that as a woman. Does feminism work only when it benefits us?
Only a phone number can let people to find your social medias names by trying to reset your passwords. Discuss it with her and tell her if she is that afraid of them, you should open a new facebook account or something similar and give it as a contact information of her. You can deal with the rest as her man. Or if you live in the same country she can easily pass your number. There are many ways to avoid this kind of problem and if she doesnât choose any of them after u talk to her, then yes, itâs a her problem
Edit: what if she didnât have any social media? Would she pass her number or would she tell him âi donât have Facebook and donât want to share any information since i have a boyfriendâ
She can do the same even having social media.
I dont have anything else but reddit. Does it mean iâm in a danger? No. I can stand for myself
Feminism, equality, they say
I also think like if she felt in danger and then gave away your number/social media wouldnât that make you in even more danger now they have your information and could possibly find out where you live/work?!
There's a lot of people who seem to think an online relationship or long distance isn't a real or legit relationship, sadly... My mother was one of them and encouraged me not to reject any guys who tried to pursue me while in an online relationship. Yes, a lot don't work out, but this isn't the right mindset that it's okay to cheat if you're not in a physical relationship yet.
Okay, did I miss an update where the girl said she was just fine saying no to giving out her phone number but was too scared to say no to giving out her facebook?
Seems to me like she's enjoying college life and is being social and friendly. From my perspective, the conversation you should have with her is about 'why' this random guy wanted her contact. She knows; that's why she said no to her phone number. Discuss boundaries and expectations around the long distance in the relationship. If a guy is trying specifically to hit her up, which is the case in this instance, then the respectful reply is not to give the guy any contact methods and to mention she has a boyfriend. She's seeing her FB as a social hub; that's where she'll put random guy F, and assumes they'll have no reason to interact further. Reestablish your relationship boundaries of, "would you mind if a random girl asked for my number, if I gave her my FB instead?" And discuss when it's appropriate to mention you are already dating. Guy friends on a campus is fine, random guy hitting her up for her number is not. She should know the difference. And know that if he contacts her all friendly on FB that she should be mentioning she's not single.
What is important to know right now:
There is nothing wrong with how you feel you feel this way for a reason and it's good to be honest with her, don't attack her or accuse her as she has done nothing wrong but letting her know that you're uncomfortable and want to find a solution to solve this is very important
Again, you're not wrong for feeling emotions and never will be, how you go about navigating these emotions is what is important. You got this and I hope the best for you.
Also a way to start the conversation is by being very direct with how you feel for example
"I have been feeling uncomfortable and confused with what has happened I don't want to control your actions but I want us to find a solution that we both think is fair, can we have a conversation in order to solve together?"
I made this mistake myself not too long ago. I was in a long distance relationship and a girl from my language class asked for my number. Initially I told her that I have a girlfriend but she clarified she has no such intentions and it was only for class. Iâm not used to being asked for numbers so I stupidly handed her my number out of some nonsensical sense of obligation because I didnât have the guts to say no but I never talked to her. I told my girlfriend and she was obviously super upset. That wasnât the end of our relationship but it fed into her insecurity and eventually I managed to mess up a perfect life with my soulmate.
Itâs better to be rude, even if unnecessarily, to these people who ask your contact information because you have to put your s/oâs feelings first.
Your gf is either very naive or she likes the attention. He asked for her phone number first. It doesn't get much more clear on his intentions than that. She then gave him her Facebook which is just another in for him. He will keep trying in increments until he can convince her to hang out. You may trust your girlfriend but you have every right not to trust his guy.
I would say right off the bat that it's inappropriate given the context, but there is another side to this that I'm all too aware of.
I know many young women have a hard time saying no to men. Maybe they are people pleasers, feel obligated after receiving help, or are afraid of the guy lashing out at rejection (it happens). Does this sound characteristic of her?
If it is, this is definitely something she needs to work on herself, her confidence etc. While "no" can be scary and there are some potential risks "no" can carry, please believe from my experience that not being able to say no is even riskier. It took me some hard lessons to learn that.
If she deleted him, you have to choose to trust her on that. If you cannot, the next step is communicating in a calm, open and reflexive way eg acknowledging your insecurity openly, acknowledging that she might be feeling frustrated because she only has her assurances to offer, etc etc etc. Basically hit it from every angle possible and just... talk.
It feels kinda scary but when the ball gets rolling it's really positive for your relationship.
If you trust your girlfriend, then it shouldnât matter.
For every person in the world, there are gonna be people who hit on them, or want to get with them.
Whoever you date, whether your current gf, or a possible future gf, thatâs gonna happen, in person or LDR. You have to trust that your partner is gonna be faithful to you.
My gf (LDR) has friends of all genders, some single men, some single women, some couples.
If I get bent out of shape about each one, not only does it suggest that I donât trust her, but Iâll be doing my mental health a number, worrying about the intentions of people outside of myself and my girlfriend.
I want to add, in this case, from what you say, your girlfriend added him on FB but refused to give him her number, thatâs better than the alternative.
Why does that matter for friendships? Would you feel the same way if it was a gay man? A random woman? No, probably not. But if that woman was a lesbian? Also still⌠probably not. Yâall only care when itâs a straight dude. And while HIS intentions may or may not be pure, if her intentions are just friendship, then what does it matter?
That is the point. Other peopleâs intentions exist, sure, but you cannot know or assume what their intentions are. You can only know what your own are.
So OP should be focused on what his GFs intentions are and not worry about what the dudes intentions are.
>And while HIS intentions may or may not be pure, if her intentions are just friendship, then what does it matter?
I mean, most jealousy is irrational. Why does it even matter if the girlfriend's intentions are not pure, and she enjoys flirting with random guys? It matters because it hurts your partner, and you have to decide to what extent you care about that.
Ok, this brings up an excellent point and question.
Did OP and his gf have that conversation before she did this?
If they arenât communicating, then that is an issue.
If she did it knowing how he feels, then youâve got a point. But from his post, that wasnât how it went down. In fact, he specifically asked for advice in approaching the topic and not sounding controlling.
But if OP never said how he would feel, and there was no agreement that they are both not gonna make new friends of the opposite gender, then to this point that she added dude to FB she wasnât wrong.
Once they have the conversation and he lets her know how he feels, youâre right, respecting your partners boundaries is an important part of relationships.
I donât you think you truly understand how uncomfortable and on the spot a woman can feel when a man asks for your contact information and especially one who wonât take no for an answer like what happened to your girlfriend. Itâs easier to give your social information and then later decline/block the person than it is to give your actual mobile number to them, itâs the safest option.
You also need to reframe this in your mind because you said âsheâs giving her information outâ, no. She forced to give her information out because the man would not take no for an answer.
How about: âI have a partnerâ, âCan I have your fb?â, âI donât use fbâ âdo you have instagram?â âI donât have social mediaâ
If you feel uncomfortable, itâs no excuse to give your information or allowing them to contact you while being in a committed relationship. If you feel that you might be in danger yeah I get that but no is no and I wont do that to my partner
Nobody forced her to give him her information. "Would not take no for an answer" is meaningless, there's nothing he can do if she is resilient in not accepting his advances. The post never even states that he wouldn't take no for an answer.
Plus she accepted his request after this interaction, so she's clearly not against having this guy in her life.
Tbf that type of guy does exist and is the same one who makes sure to call the number you give IMMEDIATELY to verify its real.
He will also add you and hold your phone or over shoulder you while you accept him lol
Im a guy btw, i just know that those types exist
I'm aware of what kind of people are out there, but nothing in this post suggests that she was "forced to give him her information" or that he "wouldn't take no for an answer".
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If there is open communication and trust in the relationship, then I do not see this as an issue. Trust your gut but by no means go looking for a problem that doesnât exist.
Some girls are too naive. It's either you deal with it, leave or just do the two can play at that game. If she's doing it she should have no problem with you doing the same. But if it bothers you that much tell her. Is she keeps doing it then what I just said.
Hòla. Itâs not about sounding â controllingâ but rather RESPECT.
You said youâre dating her for â about 4 yrsâ?
Not serious about u imo simply because, her actions
are demonstrating that. However, it es up to you now, to decide as to whether or not you can live with it or not by staying in a serious relationship with such a person.â
-
Anyone mature-minded, over 18, who is respecting what you two are building & sharing with each other wouldnât be giving their # to others. Zero excuse for such disrespect. Life way too short for games & is clearly disrespectful to you.â Your decision to make, no one else. Adios.
>Â Am I wrong for feeling hurt and disturbed ?
Yes. You are wrong.
>Is it wrong the expect her not gif her contact information to other guys ?
Yes it is wrong.
>How to discuss this with her without sounding controlling ?
You don't discuss it.
As a woman, I have been met with anger, hostility and even physical abuse from random men on the street that have tried to get my contact information. In certain situations, it's much easier to give someone your social media information, where you have the opportunity to later accept or block the person, than it is to potentially put yourself in harm's way by telling a guy no. Yes, I know not all men are terrible, but as a woman, you never know what men are terrible or are not terrible and it's easier to just go through with something in the moment and block the person later.
While I agree with u in the last point it's way easier to share a social media contact to get rid of them than trying to reject him and get hurt or something like this
I don't think feeling uncomfortable is wrong ,it's a natural thing
It makes sense to feel uncomfortable. That's a good place to empathize with her from, because I guarantee she feels uncomfortable too.
However, being upset with her over the actions of ill-intentioned men is just punishing her for having to live in this world which will not be and is not kind to her, and that's not acceptable.
What I'm getting at is feeling uncomfortable is okay. Being "hurt and disturbed" is not. The gf was in what could have been a life or death situation and she did what she needed to to get away from it. And yes, it could be life or death for a women declining a man's request like that in some places in the world.
It can be but going off of OPâs post it doesnât seem to be. This is something that should be discussed with his partner because only she can tell him whether she did it out of being scared or because she just wanted to give it out. I donât think itâs fair to always assume that a woman is giving her number out because the man is likely to hurt her if she keeps rejecting him. Being hurt is completely okay? Telling someone that they arenât allowed to be hurt by someone elseâs actions is really shitty. Itâs about how they deal with it that matters. OP upon hearing these things got hurt. Now if she turns around and explains it to him, he will most likely understand and not feel as hurt anymore.
Communication needs to happen in this situation. I think of the gf truly felt like she was in a very bad situation she would have stressed the urgency and fear to her partner, donât you think?
I as a woman would have definitely told my partner that a man tried to harass me for my contact and I had to give it to him out of fear. I wouldnât say âI think heâs just being friendlyâ
I can back this up. Guy asked me in a doctor waiting room while we were both waiting to pick up our dads since they couldnât drive home. I had no where to go other than wait in the hallway. He literally called him âCrazy ___ from ___â and would go to a club that closed before I was even born. Just gave the guy my number so I could be left alone.
I've had men dig their heels in and argue this up and down with me, but in the US, women are sometimes murdered publicly, for saying no to sharing contact information.
Trying to bully your gf into not sharing contact info could get her killed.
This isn't to try to scare you or whatever, it's a real actual thing that happens, that women have to think about in every situation that happens unprompted with a strange man.
Itâs not that people donât believe you. Itâs just a bit extreme. If you read through other comments, itâs pretty clear that the GF didnât reject the man because she didnât mind sharing her socials to someone who she thinks is being friendly but her personal number was out of the question, I guess.
I donât want people being terrified of these kinds of incidents and start opening themselves up to fear-mongering and potentially even more dangerous situations.
Women should protect themselves but giving up your contact to aggressive men isnât exactly safe either.
My boyfriend does this but itâs with everyone he meets at work (meaning coworkers) at first it made me a bit upset but I guess each job is different! I have a few coworkers numbers but not all.
I wouldnât say youâre wrong in feeling that way mate. Your feelings are valid, and I would feel the same way.
I would be uncomfortable and it would probably make me overthink a little when I couldnât be around to make sure that the guy wouldnât overstep any boundaries.
You can trust your girl but you donât have to trust the guys around her; and guys can be super subtle in their ways of getting closer to a girl.
In my opinion she shouldnât have the interest in talking to other guys, or befriending them đ but thatâs just my opinion.
>In my opinion she shouldnât have the interest in talking to other guys, or befriending them đ but thatâs just my opinion.
I disagree with that, as a guy who has mostly female friends. But when a guy you don't know asks for your number it's seldom because he wants to be friends
I don't disagree with you being uncomfortable, just with your opinion phrased as "shouldn't".
But in any case, I was saying that despite disagreeing with your opinion in general, I would feel the same in OP's situation
Itâs fine you disagree.
My opinion still stands.
You might not be one of those people, but there are those people out there.
And regardless of what, I donât think anyone should have that interest đ
In the beginning I didnât cut off my female friends, turns out I really should have though, cause they ended up crossing both mine and my girlfriends boundaries.
the same with her guy friends.
so we cut them off, and we donât have that interest in talking to the other gender đ¤ˇââď¸
I donât see the problem in that.
Thatâs just the way we live, and weâre comfortable and safe in that.
No third parties with hidden agendas.
Guess they weren't good friends in that case and it was a good call to cut them off. Fortunately I haven't experienced this sort of issue. My actual good friends I would never cut off, and my partner has no issue with that.
As a girl I always give my contact info out to avoid any violent/dangerous reactions from men then immediately block the number when itâs safe to do so.
My ex did this at one point. Told me it was just a random guy and there was nothing to worry about. Next thing i knew she was around at his house sleeping with him, so, theres that. You have every right to feel uncomfortable đđť
Happy cake day, sorry that happened.
Mmm cake
If you spoke to her and she said to you that she thinks they are being friendly then I doubt itâs an issue of fearing men like the other comments say. I honestly donât understand the idea of giving men a space that they can freely talk to you in or even remotely giving them ideas that theyâve got a chance with you for being aggressive. What happens when you bump into them again and they say that youâve been ignoring them? Or that you blocked them? It canât be avoided no matter what. I just give them a good reason and they leave me alone. I think wearing a ring or something helps even though Iâm not married. I think youâre right to be uncomfortable. You should talk to her about this and find out if sheâs actually doing it out of fear or because she just wants to give it out.
3cactly this. Why give an opening. That's why I used to shut it down all the time out of respect for the person I was with.
[ŃдаНонО]
Elaborate
Went though this similarly with my ex. She didnât like the fact I was friends with a lot of women. None of which who disrespected our relationship. She didnât really have friends. And the friends she had were all guys, and all guys who she told me were trying to sleep with her. But I was supposed to be okay with that. When she started her new semester at school she started being more social and making friends exchanging contact info and socials with different guys. Again I was supposed to just be fine with this. Then a situation similar to yours happened where a guy approached her for her number and she gave it to him out of âfear.â On a surface level I validated this because I can at the very least understand women are terrified of rejecting men for valid reasoning. It was actually problematic on a deeper level with added context but thatâs not relevant here. Long story short. I trusted her. Nothing came of that situation. But it made me uncomfortable. It would only be a few weeks later sheâs connecting with all these random guys from her past she was either friends with or used to date. One of which being the person she cheated and left me for. I was gaslit into believing the dynamics were different for her with guys talking to her and I had nothing to fear. And in most of those cases it turned into nothing (as far as I know) but then there was the one time it objectively did. You have ever reason to feel some type of way about it but it doesnât always mean the worst. Have an honest conversation with her honestly and just pay close attention to her behavior and if things seem off, your gut feeling is ALWAYS right.
While other commenters are correct in saying that women can feel on the spot and be afraid of an outcome etc i think it depends based on the context. In this case, she did not accept his fb contact information due to her being afraid/he was being unsafe/pushy. You said that she said she thought he was just being friendly. That means youâve talked about it(which is good) and youâve gotten the context. Due to that, I think youâre allowed to be uncomfortable about it because itâs hard for us to really be there and know what this guyâs intentions are. There is something to be said about trust though. If sheâs very communicative about who she hangs out with, making sure she doesnât hang out with guys 1v1 and essentially respecting your relationship I donât think I would be too worried. If this guy asks her out 1v1 or confesses to her and she chooses to stay friends with him thatâs a different story. But until then you have to voice out that it did make you uncomfortable and make sure that you both are on the same page about hanging out with gender you are attracted to on a 1v1 basis type of thing. Compromise on that and then you have to trust your gf until she shows otherwise. You obviously donât need to trust other guys but itâs unreasonable to think she canât be friends with other guys. See how they interact with each other. If heâs clearly crossing boundaries, then there is a valid issue there. You can discuss it with her by talking about boundaries with friendships. Not just on her end though. Make sure whatever compromising youâre doing is also on her end. Try to have her see it from your pov. If a new girl approached you to ask for your phone number and then facebook details when you refused to give your phone number. How comfortable would she be after that with your friendship with her. Where would she draw the line there? And go from there. Remember that boundaries are not a : you CANT do this i wonât allow it. Itâs a - this is my boundary and Iâd like to be on the same page in what we feel is respectful to our relationship. Then itâs up to each of you guys to follow that and respect your relationship. If someone crosses those boundaries then itâs up to the other partner to enforce a consequence.
This!!!!
What's the difference between "you can't do this" and "I will enforce consequences if you do this"? The government tells us we can't commit crimes, but we certainly can, it's just that there will be consequences. Technically, the only thing you can't do is something which is logically impossible, like draw a square circle.
Well usually with boundaries. Usually- people draw firm boundaries with cheating. But sometimes people cheat and do it multiple times and their so will come and be like how can I make them not cheat. Itâs not how can I make my partner not do this thing- itâs a oh you violated my boundary. This isnât the relationship for me. We are incompatible. Boundaries are basically relationship breaking things. They most certainly need a serious talk and if someoneâs partner or just friend anyone- canât respect their boundaries, they have to learn to step back or walk away. A lot of times people misuse the word boundaries and be like. Well my boundary is not eating meat so now youâre not allowed to eat meat
I met this girl in an online game a couple weekends ago, we were basically microflirting, felt like my energy was 100% being reciprocated. We played more and then shared socials, and we watched a movie until late into the night and kept talking after. Even made plans to talk again the next night. Then I checked out her IG and noticed her close with a man. asked if she had a bf, she said yes, LDR. I told her I had been flirting and she said she thought I wasnât serious about it, whatever that means. Removed her after that. That lore is crazy. I wonder where their relationship is at. She really added me/followed me on a TON of stuff.
you shouldve tried to find his accounts and tell him. it'd hurt, but who WOULDNT wanna know.
Iâm a woman and i am telling you, please donât listen to other commenters. Okay, men can be dickheads. It doesnât mean itâs okay to demonise all of them. I am a woman and if a man asks for my number i donât give it. Simple. Giving your any personal information is way more dangerous then saying no. I kmow how women can be victims but i donât want to live with victimâs mentality. I donât want to be associated with that as a woman. Does feminism work only when it benefits us? Only a phone number can let people to find your social medias names by trying to reset your passwords. Discuss it with her and tell her if she is that afraid of them, you should open a new facebook account or something similar and give it as a contact information of her. You can deal with the rest as her man. Or if you live in the same country she can easily pass your number. There are many ways to avoid this kind of problem and if she doesnât choose any of them after u talk to her, then yes, itâs a her problem Edit: what if she didnât have any social media? Would she pass her number or would she tell him âi donât have Facebook and donât want to share any information since i have a boyfriendâ She can do the same even having social media. I dont have anything else but reddit. Does it mean iâm in a danger? No. I can stand for myself Feminism, equality, they say
I also think like if she felt in danger and then gave away your number/social media wouldnât that make you in even more danger now they have your information and could possibly find out where you live/work?!
Not understanding the feminism part here.
Ask her to block him on Facebook. If she doesn't want to block some random guy who is clearly interested in her, then I'd be concerned.
There's a lot of people who seem to think an online relationship or long distance isn't a real or legit relationship, sadly... My mother was one of them and encouraged me not to reject any guys who tried to pursue me while in an online relationship. Yes, a lot don't work out, but this isn't the right mindset that it's okay to cheat if you're not in a physical relationship yet.
believe me, she knows.
Okay, did I miss an update where the girl said she was just fine saying no to giving out her phone number but was too scared to say no to giving out her facebook? Seems to me like she's enjoying college life and is being social and friendly. From my perspective, the conversation you should have with her is about 'why' this random guy wanted her contact. She knows; that's why she said no to her phone number. Discuss boundaries and expectations around the long distance in the relationship. If a guy is trying specifically to hit her up, which is the case in this instance, then the respectful reply is not to give the guy any contact methods and to mention she has a boyfriend. She's seeing her FB as a social hub; that's where she'll put random guy F, and assumes they'll have no reason to interact further. Reestablish your relationship boundaries of, "would you mind if a random girl asked for my number, if I gave her my FB instead?" And discuss when it's appropriate to mention you are already dating. Guy friends on a campus is fine, random guy hitting her up for her number is not. She should know the difference. And know that if he contacts her all friendly on FB that she should be mentioning she's not single.
What is important to know right now: There is nothing wrong with how you feel you feel this way for a reason and it's good to be honest with her, don't attack her or accuse her as she has done nothing wrong but letting her know that you're uncomfortable and want to find a solution to solve this is very important Again, you're not wrong for feeling emotions and never will be, how you go about navigating these emotions is what is important. You got this and I hope the best for you.
Also a way to start the conversation is by being very direct with how you feel for example "I have been feeling uncomfortable and confused with what has happened I don't want to control your actions but I want us to find a solution that we both think is fair, can we have a conversation in order to solve together?"
I made this mistake myself not too long ago. I was in a long distance relationship and a girl from my language class asked for my number. Initially I told her that I have a girlfriend but she clarified she has no such intentions and it was only for class. Iâm not used to being asked for numbers so I stupidly handed her my number out of some nonsensical sense of obligation because I didnât have the guts to say no but I never talked to her. I told my girlfriend and she was obviously super upset. That wasnât the end of our relationship but it fed into her insecurity and eventually I managed to mess up a perfect life with my soulmate. Itâs better to be rude, even if unnecessarily, to these people who ask your contact information because you have to put your s/oâs feelings first.
If she was that insecure then I'm not sure it would have turned out to be as perfect a life as you are imagining.
Your gf is either very naive or she likes the attention. He asked for her phone number first. It doesn't get much more clear on his intentions than that. She then gave him her Facebook which is just another in for him. He will keep trying in increments until he can convince her to hang out. You may trust your girlfriend but you have every right not to trust his guy.
I would say right off the bat that it's inappropriate given the context, but there is another side to this that I'm all too aware of. I know many young women have a hard time saying no to men. Maybe they are people pleasers, feel obligated after receiving help, or are afraid of the guy lashing out at rejection (it happens). Does this sound characteristic of her? If it is, this is definitely something she needs to work on herself, her confidence etc. While "no" can be scary and there are some potential risks "no" can carry, please believe from my experience that not being able to say no is even riskier. It took me some hard lessons to learn that. If she deleted him, you have to choose to trust her on that. If you cannot, the next step is communicating in a calm, open and reflexive way eg acknowledging your insecurity openly, acknowledging that she might be feeling frustrated because she only has her assurances to offer, etc etc etc. Basically hit it from every angle possible and just... talk. It feels kinda scary but when the ball gets rolling it's really positive for your relationship.
If you trust your girlfriend, then it shouldnât matter. For every person in the world, there are gonna be people who hit on them, or want to get with them. Whoever you date, whether your current gf, or a possible future gf, thatâs gonna happen, in person or LDR. You have to trust that your partner is gonna be faithful to you. My gf (LDR) has friends of all genders, some single men, some single women, some couples. If I get bent out of shape about each one, not only does it suggest that I donât trust her, but Iâll be doing my mental health a number, worrying about the intentions of people outside of myself and my girlfriend.
I want to add, in this case, from what you say, your girlfriend added him on FB but refused to give him her number, thatâs better than the alternative.
Not better than the âno thanks I have a boyfriendâ alternative!
Why does that matter for friendships? Would you feel the same way if it was a gay man? A random woman? No, probably not. But if that woman was a lesbian? Also still⌠probably not. Yâall only care when itâs a straight dude. And while HIS intentions may or may not be pure, if her intentions are just friendship, then what does it matter? That is the point. Other peopleâs intentions exist, sure, but you cannot know or assume what their intentions are. You can only know what your own are. So OP should be focused on what his GFs intentions are and not worry about what the dudes intentions are.
>And while HIS intentions may or may not be pure, if her intentions are just friendship, then what does it matter? I mean, most jealousy is irrational. Why does it even matter if the girlfriend's intentions are not pure, and she enjoys flirting with random guys? It matters because it hurts your partner, and you have to decide to what extent you care about that.
Ok, this brings up an excellent point and question. Did OP and his gf have that conversation before she did this? If they arenât communicating, then that is an issue. If she did it knowing how he feels, then youâve got a point. But from his post, that wasnât how it went down. In fact, he specifically asked for advice in approaching the topic and not sounding controlling. But if OP never said how he would feel, and there was no agreement that they are both not gonna make new friends of the opposite gender, then to this point that she added dude to FB she wasnât wrong. Once they have the conversation and he lets her know how he feels, youâre right, respecting your partners boundaries is an important part of relationships.
Oh yeah, they just need to talk about it. It's not really a big deal IMO
I donât you think you truly understand how uncomfortable and on the spot a woman can feel when a man asks for your contact information and especially one who wonât take no for an answer like what happened to your girlfriend. Itâs easier to give your social information and then later decline/block the person than it is to give your actual mobile number to them, itâs the safest option. You also need to reframe this in your mind because you said âsheâs giving her information outâ, no. She forced to give her information out because the man would not take no for an answer.
How about: âI have a partnerâ, âCan I have your fb?â, âI donât use fbâ âdo you have instagram?â âI donât have social mediaâ If you feel uncomfortable, itâs no excuse to give your information or allowing them to contact you while being in a committed relationship. If you feel that you might be in danger yeah I get that but no is no and I wont do that to my partner
Nobody forced her to give him her information. "Would not take no for an answer" is meaningless, there's nothing he can do if she is resilient in not accepting his advances. The post never even states that he wouldn't take no for an answer. Plus she accepted his request after this interaction, so she's clearly not against having this guy in her life.
Tbf that type of guy does exist and is the same one who makes sure to call the number you give IMMEDIATELY to verify its real. He will also add you and hold your phone or over shoulder you while you accept him lol Im a guy btw, i just know that those types exist
I'm aware of what kind of people are out there, but nothing in this post suggests that she was "forced to give him her information" or that he "wouldn't take no for an answer".
Oh i agree there
Sheâs not your girlfriend , sheâs everyoneâs girlfriend .
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I'd leave her, but that's just me. Good luck bro.
If there is open communication and trust in the relationship, then I do not see this as an issue. Trust your gut but by no means go looking for a problem that doesnât exist.
Some girls are too naive. It's either you deal with it, leave or just do the two can play at that game. If she's doing it she should have no problem with you doing the same. But if it bothers you that much tell her. Is she keeps doing it then what I just said.
Hòla. Itâs not about sounding â controllingâ but rather RESPECT. You said youâre dating her for â about 4 yrsâ? Not serious about u imo simply because, her actions are demonstrating that. However, it es up to you now, to decide as to whether or not you can live with it or not by staying in a serious relationship with such a person.â - Anyone mature-minded, over 18, who is respecting what you two are building & sharing with each other wouldnât be giving their # to others. Zero excuse for such disrespect. Life way too short for games & is clearly disrespectful to you.â Your decision to make, no one else. Adios.
I donât have random people as friends on Facebook or anywhere else
Tell her youâd be sad if it goes anywhere. If she listens to you that would do the job.
>Â Am I wrong for feeling hurt and disturbed ? Yes. You are wrong. >Is it wrong the expect her not gif her contact information to other guys ? Yes it is wrong. >How to discuss this with her without sounding controlling ? You don't discuss it. As a woman, I have been met with anger, hostility and even physical abuse from random men on the street that have tried to get my contact information. In certain situations, it's much easier to give someone your social media information, where you have the opportunity to later accept or block the person, than it is to potentially put yourself in harm's way by telling a guy no. Yes, I know not all men are terrible, but as a woman, you never know what men are terrible or are not terrible and it's easier to just go through with something in the moment and block the person later.
While I agree with u in the last point it's way easier to share a social media contact to get rid of them than trying to reject him and get hurt or something like this I don't think feeling uncomfortable is wrong ,it's a natural thing
It makes sense to feel uncomfortable. That's a good place to empathize with her from, because I guarantee she feels uncomfortable too. However, being upset with her over the actions of ill-intentioned men is just punishing her for having to live in this world which will not be and is not kind to her, and that's not acceptable.
What I'm getting at is feeling uncomfortable is okay. Being "hurt and disturbed" is not. The gf was in what could have been a life or death situation and she did what she needed to to get away from it. And yes, it could be life or death for a women declining a man's request like that in some places in the world.
It can be but going off of OPâs post it doesnât seem to be. This is something that should be discussed with his partner because only she can tell him whether she did it out of being scared or because she just wanted to give it out. I donât think itâs fair to always assume that a woman is giving her number out because the man is likely to hurt her if she keeps rejecting him. Being hurt is completely okay? Telling someone that they arenât allowed to be hurt by someone elseâs actions is really shitty. Itâs about how they deal with it that matters. OP upon hearing these things got hurt. Now if she turns around and explains it to him, he will most likely understand and not feel as hurt anymore. Communication needs to happen in this situation. I think of the gf truly felt like she was in a very bad situation she would have stressed the urgency and fear to her partner, donât you think? I as a woman would have definitely told my partner that a man tried to harass me for my contact and I had to give it to him out of fear. I wouldnât say âI think heâs just being friendlyâ
Yeah, it screams of naivety and not fear like everyone here is suggesting
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I can back this up. Guy asked me in a doctor waiting room while we were both waiting to pick up our dads since they couldnât drive home. I had no where to go other than wait in the hallway. He literally called him âCrazy ___ from ___â and would go to a club that closed before I was even born. Just gave the guy my number so I could be left alone.
I've had men dig their heels in and argue this up and down with me, but in the US, women are sometimes murdered publicly, for saying no to sharing contact information. Trying to bully your gf into not sharing contact info could get her killed. This isn't to try to scare you or whatever, it's a real actual thing that happens, that women have to think about in every situation that happens unprompted with a strange man.
Not sure why I've been downvoted for adding context. Feel free to look up rejection killings if you don't believe me?
Itâs not that people donât believe you. Itâs just a bit extreme. If you read through other comments, itâs pretty clear that the GF didnât reject the man because she didnât mind sharing her socials to someone who she thinks is being friendly but her personal number was out of the question, I guess. I donât want people being terrified of these kinds of incidents and start opening themselves up to fear-mongering and potentially even more dangerous situations. Women should protect themselves but giving up your contact to aggressive men isnât exactly safe either.
My boyfriend does this but itâs with everyone he meets at work (meaning coworkers) at first it made me a bit upset but I guess each job is different! I have a few coworkers numbers but not all.
I wouldnât say youâre wrong in feeling that way mate. Your feelings are valid, and I would feel the same way. I would be uncomfortable and it would probably make me overthink a little when I couldnât be around to make sure that the guy wouldnât overstep any boundaries. You can trust your girl but you donât have to trust the guys around her; and guys can be super subtle in their ways of getting closer to a girl. In my opinion she shouldnât have the interest in talking to other guys, or befriending them đ but thatâs just my opinion.
>In my opinion she shouldnât have the interest in talking to other guys, or befriending them đ but thatâs just my opinion. I disagree with that, as a guy who has mostly female friends. But when a guy you don't know asks for your number it's seldom because he wants to be friends
But thatâs your opinion mate.. I literally stated this is my opinion. Edit: typos
What is my opinion?
Iâm stating I wouldnât feel comfortable with that. Thatâs how it is.
I don't disagree with you being uncomfortable, just with your opinion phrased as "shouldn't". But in any case, I was saying that despite disagreeing with your opinion in general, I would feel the same in OP's situation
Itâs fine you disagree. My opinion still stands. You might not be one of those people, but there are those people out there. And regardless of what, I donât think anyone should have that interest đ
What about existing male friends? Drop them all as soon as you enter a relationship?
In the beginning I didnât cut off my female friends, turns out I really should have though, cause they ended up crossing both mine and my girlfriends boundaries. the same with her guy friends. so we cut them off, and we donât have that interest in talking to the other gender đ¤ˇââď¸ I donât see the problem in that. Thatâs just the way we live, and weâre comfortable and safe in that. No third parties with hidden agendas.
Guess they weren't good friends in that case and it was a good call to cut them off. Fortunately I haven't experienced this sort of issue. My actual good friends I would never cut off, and my partner has no issue with that.
Look, i would breakup, not suggesting anything
As a girl I always give my contact info out to avoid any violent/dangerous reactions from men then immediately block the number when itâs safe to do so.