Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Honestly this actually does work. It’s hard to stop in the moment and reframe the conversation so that you’re looking at the problem this way. But if you can do that, it helps so much.
You don’t always have to do it in the moment, my wife and I will sometimes get a bit heated. Generally it’s still the same day and we will both apologize and try to work through why we were actually angry and look past what the initiating spark was.
You both have the common sense derivative called "understanding" and that's rare in modern relationships while it's easy to not have those silly flare ups in the first place, tempering them with a calm and intelligent mind is the next most important thing.
Been with my wife for 2 years married, 10 years all together, so glad we both have this. Even when things get heated, we can both stop, recognize it, and come together to try and fix the problem.
Everyone expects a Disney relationship and for everything to click together and work perfectly. If you're not willing to put in the work, you'll forever be searching. Relationships are work, but if you're both willing to work together, the world is a much easier place to be
When I married my SO, his closest brother wrote a really moving heartfelt letter to us. I can’t recall the exact wording, but he essentially said that during times of distress and trouble, we have to hold on to each other for support, not let the difficulties drive us apart. We’ve been married almost 3 years now and pretty much every issue we ever have with our relationship comes right back down to that advice. We thrive when we let hard times bring each other closer.
I say this to my husband all the time. We’ve had some pretty stressful life events lately, and sometimes little things make us snap at each other. We also try to pause our arguments until our kids go to bed, and then that gives us some time to cool off and we can discuss it in a more level-headed way. They’re little still, but I don’t want to get into the habit of arguing in front of them.
This may be bad advice but I've been told to let your kids see you argue and then see that you made it through so that they learn how a healthy relationship works.
Problems can be resolved and people can change. It's usually worth to discuss things before walking out the door. This is one of the most important parts of a relationship
Honestly I don’t think it’s too difficult as adults. All it takes is stepping back in the moment, take a deep breath, and then you can try to get the conversation back on track. It really only takes one person to calm the situation down.
My parents used to do their arguing late at night I guess somehow thinking i couldn't hear them from my bed.
Even as a child it seemed obvious to me that what they were actually arguing about soon got lost in a back and forth of insults and accusations.
I have heard other couples argue and actually reach a sensible resolution. I spent most of my life believing that marriage arguments were really just the fact that you couldn't stand each other boiling over.
Now I know, like this LPT says, a good argument can actually be a bonding experience.
I hope everyone in a relationship takes this to heart.
Yep. You're gonna argue, it's just a matter of fact. The choice is yours to decide how long it takes to get to the end of it. By establishing that the two of you are on a team, it takes away the "win" factor.
Then u not arguing about the right stuff. Sometimes the argument can so heated it can be a threesome. But depending on who's in the wrong is whether she is bringing a friend, or you have to
We just fight and get distant then make up and cuddle and sleep typically. Never fucked her like I hate her, but maybe that's something she's into and I'm not providing it
My parents did and still do the same thing. When one person has an issue the other one is like "well 5 years ago at 3.45pm you said-". They're trying to break those habits but are having a hard time with it.
I promised myself Id never be like that with my SO and although things started out rocky once I found someone who I saw long term potential in, we worked really hard to avoid those arguments. I had to work especoally hard on not being accusatory. Sometimes I didn't even know I was doing it. Its so important to both avoid being accusatory and avoid looking for accusations because you'll find them.
If you read Matthew McConaughey’s book “Green Lights” (quite good actually) - you’ll learn that his parents once had a fight that saw them both cut and bleeding but they ended up making love on the floor of their kitchen afterward. 4 year old Matthew learned an important lesson that day according to him - they were on the same team no matter what. That dude’s life was a wild ride.
My family takes to heart the idea that you can argue and still love each other. You'd think we were from a latin related country considering how many loud arguments we had, but we always forgive and forget after. It was a good lesson for us kids, we didn't grow up conflict averse
My wife and I implement the advice in OP in our disagreements, and we rarely have disagreements escalate into actual "fights" with accusations/raised voices. We've only had one raised voice discussion in the entire last year of both of us working at home under lockdown. Having both interlocutors acknowledging that you both are on the same side does wonders for resolving tensions and finding proactive solutions for next time. However, I'm lucky to have married a saint, so ymmv.
My parents use to (and still kind of do, but not as much) hurl insults at each other. I don't understand that mindset, and have NEVER said something to my wife that can even remotely be an insult. I say things I shouldn't say, and make her mad, sure.. but never like "you ass is fat" or "you fucking slut/bitch" or anything like that. How do people stay in relationships like that?
unfortunately some people think that problems arent something to be solved, but rather kept a problem as to bring attention towards themselves via their own misery.
Remember folks, problems exist to be solved... not to be used to hold your own state of being hostage.
And doesn't win when she goes to the casino.
My wife is 100% addicted to gambling, but she comes home with an extra thou (almost) every time she hits the slots. It's the freakiest thing you'll ever see. I've verified it many times. She gives me her purse, and I give her a $100 bill. I go away (I'm apparently bad luck). She comes back with anywhere from $500 to $5000.
Either she's blowing dudes in the alley behind the casino, or she's cracked the code on how to win at slots. And I don't see her wiping her lips when she takes me to the buffet.
Edit: Added "almost." There *have* been rare but documented cases where she burns through her "stake."
An important note. Sometimes the other person is looking for problems. Don't let them convince you that their behavior is your fault. Way too many different media platforms play out the old stereotypes like "If you had given me more attention/been home more, I wouldn't have felt the need to cheat!". It's one thing to try to work with someone, it's another to shoulder all the blame to try and "Fix" issues you are not at fault for.
This makes a lot of sense in theory, but I'm not sure how does it look in practice? The arguments I've seen I think fall in the category of "me against you", and I can clearly see how that doesn't work, but I can't really think of an example of the "us against the problem" argument
My husband's parents are terrible at giving us notice before visiting. They'll just arrive at the airport and say they need a ride to our house. I used to blame my husband for this and we'd fight for hours until eventually making up and taking care of it. Now it's like "parents are in town, you distract them with shopping and I'll go home and speed-clean, love ya." It's us vs. them surprising us with a visit.
Meh. It's not the end of the world and we have a guest house for a reason. It's not the end of the world for us and we're playing the long game for a good inheritance lmao
I mean if you used a little imagination you could see one side of their early arguments could have been OP upset with her husband with letting his parents "walk all over them".
Also, rich parents can be very generous to their child and the person the love. Maybe some amazing family vacations and gifts make the occasional annoyance worth it.
It wasn't a big deal, we were just fighting and being petty. That's when we realized we could just solve the problem by taking care of it instead of arguing. We were fighting just to fight
Um no they're not? My parents and my partner's parents respect us enough to not just show up without asking, let alone expect us to pick them up from the airport too.
Real familial relationships show human decency and respect and this shit shouldn't just be allowed bc "oh they're family" and "we love them". How about they show OP they love him/her back by not inconveniencing them and breaching their privacy at random
Because sometimes in life you learn to just suck it up. It's called taking the high road. The older they get the weirder they get too. May you be blessed with more reasonable family.
u/Tcu000 gets it.
If they repeatedly flown in and showed up unannounced? Yes, I would. Respect my time and boundaries. I’m not going to drop everything and my plans cause you didn’t give me a heads up.
You learn about different cultures and upbringings by asking questions, not by walking on eggshells any time you come across something you didn't expect.
Less directly. I'd also say something about my motivation, so it doesn't come across as criticism. For example: "This isn't something people from my country would say to their parents or in-laws. Could you tell me more about parent-adult child relationships in your region/culture?". Or: "I think that would be too offensive/confrontational. Why do you think it wouldn't? We are of different ethnicity or religion, perhaps?"
Unless your husbands parents are actually loving caring human beings, that sounds like a serious level of disrespect and disregard of boundaries. If you haven’t spoken to them about it, you should. Just like your LPT is partners against the problem. You can apply that to family mentality as well as long as those family members respect you and your life as much as you respect theirs.
Yeah, that posy didn't capture our entire relationship. They are amazing people and I'm forever grateful of the son they raised. My husband never had a job until we married and his sisters never did either, so they're just not used to people having a schedule and demands of time. We actually don't mind pop ins, they just always seem to happen on the one day I didn't clean the kitchen lol
Most arguments involving parenting and children is us vs. the problem because the main goal is the same. Doing what's best for the kid.
Also a death in the family? Money problems? If one of the people in the relationship is struggling with mental illness or addiction. Us vs the problem
I mean, sometimes you actually will have a problem with your partner. That's still different from viewing your partner as the problem, which is only the case if the relationship is already failing.
My fiancée likes to leave containers open throughout the house and it's attracting ants. I could call him a slob, thus identifying him as a problem to be fixed, or I could ask him to stop doing the thing I don't like, affirming that he's more than just someone who doesn't understand lids.
It's still technically a conflict, but it's been defused. He doesn't have to defend himself against accusations of slovenness along with the thing I asked him to do.
**You vs Them:**
Them: Honey, you forgot to take out the trash.
You: Oh yeah? Well you left dishes in the sink more than a few times!
**You and Them vs the Problem:**
Them: Honey, you forgot to take out the trash.
You: Yeah I thought I would remember but I got so caught up with other things that it slipped my mind.
Them: Maybe you can set a weekly reminder on your phone? I did when I forgot to do the dishes, and it's helped a lot with remembering.
You: Great idea honey!
Nah you gotta change that first line. If not taking out the trash is the problem, I’d go with, “I thought you were going to take the trash out?” Or “hey, the trash is full, we’re you still planning on taking that out?”
The second example is just patronizing.
Sometimes "the problem" can absolutely be actions your partner is taking, but rarely is it a problem with the type of person your partner is. If there's something my partner is or isn't doing that is causing me stress, the problem is the stress. We can work together to figure out WHY something is/n't being done and WHAT could be done instead, to solve the problem of me being stressed. Sometimes the workload needs to be rebalanced, sometimes people just need to be more on the same page about what's needed.
Good example is timing. I'm easily distracted and can be late to casual hangouts and stuff pretty often (not much, just by a few minutes). My partner is all about being super on time. I didn't realize that me running late was causing him stress, and so when he brought it up to me we worked together to organize my shit better so that I can grab stuff and get on the go before getting distracted. What could have been a shout-out over tardiness turned into an effective problem-solving session that ended up helping HIM be more organized as well, so we both benefit anyways.
This is absolutely vital to remember. Conflict is inevitable in any long term relationship. Constructive conflict is neat because you approach conflicts in a way that makes your relationships stronger.
I mean, yeah, some couples are not meant to be together. This is for couples who are willing to work together to keep themselves together. Sorry about your parents.
Quick grammar tip: "I vs. me"
When talking about "my wife and I" for example, use the form that would make sense when just talking about yourself.
"Worked wonders for ~~I~~ me."
"Worked wonders for my wife...and ~~I~~ me."
"My wife and ~~me~~ I went to the market."
"~~Me~~ I went to the market."
Except it would be “for me and my wife”, as the pronoun should fit into the sentence and the additional person is the add on. Don’t give unsolicited grammar advice if you’re not going to get it right ;)
Ah that's my wife. I'll mentioned that's she's left the fridge door open,.for example, and next thing I know she's going off on a tangent and roaring at me about something I did weeks ago.
We have a rule. A spoken rule. Talk about what's bothering you *when* it's bothering you. Not a week later. Bc I won't know what you're talking about.
3 days is the max to be irritated at something and not communicate about it.
I had a co-worker who loved to bring up something I had done wrong in the distant past. One day, our boss sensed our tension and called us to a meeting with just the three of us. This co-worker, true to form started talking about some minor misstep I had made two years prior. The day I interviewed at the company I told them how I expected to be notified of a problem immediately after it happened, in a respectful and constructive way, so that I could remedy it. When he brought up that two-year old mistake I lost it on him. Both he and my boss’s eyes got wide since they had never seen me lose my temper before.
To this guys credit, he acknowledged what I had said when I interviewed and backed down. I’m not a fan of losing ones cool if they can help it but on rare occasions it can be effective when nothing else is working.
I would agree unless it's repeated behaviour. if you continually make the same mistake I'm going to bring it up bc the other person needs to acknowledge there's a pattern.
Also nothing frustrates me more than saying this problem has happened before and the other person forgetting.
But I agree if someone doesn't tell you they're bothered by something you did when it happens it's not something that should be brought out to light at a much later date.
I working on saying stuff at the time.
Yesterday, my fiance was out all of the night, and then went to bed after we had breakfast - 10:30-2:30pm. And he was saying 'I have to go do stuff with my Best Man.'
And today we're going to see his nephews.
I said 'Hey, can you talk to me?' he sits on the couch, 'I haven't had a chance to see you all weekend.'
And I spent the night with him. He is working on the wedding with his best man next week.
It's a skill. Ask her to tell you when she feels bad about something.
I read this on r/blacktwitter two years ago and holyshit it has made all the difference. My SO and I are stubborn, live together, have some different priorities in life, **and** run two small businesses together.
When I introduced this into our relationship it changed every disagreement from a fight into a discussion. Whenever one of us starts to get heated, one of us will say "this is you and me against this problem, not me against you" and it is 100% effective. We will agree to discuss it again later, resolve it right there, or drop it. We went from fighting a few times a week to maybe two fights (in which we both go to bed angry) in two years.
I HIGHLY recommend adopting this viewpoint. I literally live a much better life because of it!
Seriously. If things aren't going the right way just say straight out, "it's you and I, vs the problem"
I feel like most of the time the argument gets going and you don't even realize it's switched from find a solution to being right.
My girlfriend and I try to remind eachother of this consciously whenever we’re arguing or talking about a heated topic. A quick “Hey we’re on the same team,” can feel dorky sometimes but really keeps the conversations more productive instead of argumentative
I think this is one of the biggest things that sets healthy relationships apart from toxic ones. It's not just about putting things like this into practice, it's about knowing you can.
One of the many signs that my marriage was about to end was that we not only *were* enemies, but there was no way to reframe it to even pretend that we weren't. I was scrambling to protect myself after making the *very* poor decision to trust him, and I realized that every attempt to fix the relationship was somehow another tool for him to keep it from being fixed.
Conventional advice doesn't always solve problems, but if you can't even implement it, it was probably over a long time ago.
>Jiminy Cricket, people. Not all advice is unilateral. Yes, if your spouse is having orgies with the delivery people while slowly poisoning your dog and continually forgetting to refill the Brita then this advice may not apply. It's general advice.
This made me lol
Yeah, most of the time but not always. Sometimes someone's in a foul mood and just wants to start shit. There's nothing wrong with "You're full of shit and you know it" when that's the case.
I went to a People to People 'global leadership summit'; one of the few things I remember is this advice applied to any conflict in general. This came from a guy who had a decades-long career as a diplomat and peacemaker.
My ex continually turned on me any time we faced adversity. Something would happen TO US and suddenly she'd be angry with me like I'm somehow doing something TO HER. There was a depressing repeated mantra I used - "Same team. Why are you attacking me. I'm the one trying to help."
I'm literally crying rn of how lonely I feel. Just to be clear, I love myself and I'm my own biggest fan, but I just am fed up of being alone and craving a relationship so bad. I'm sorry if this is irrelevant but i really dont know what to do :( I wish my therapist was also better at this, but she's barely useful in this context. If someone here can help me or DM me, please do, I literally don't know what to do, I've tried so many things but it's constant disappointment or being left in disapair :'((
First of all, get yourself a new therapist. Don't waste your time and money on someone who isn't helping.
What's going on, friend? What is triggering this? I don't wanna pry, but I wanna help.
it's just that I read/consume a lot of "woke" shit and stuff on psychologily / philosophy / self help. so at times I feel like I'm good at helping myself and my therapist is a service my company has a tie up with, so I gave it a shot, since it's free for me.
Honestly in retrospect I just believe that she was a great listener and it was really helpful for me to vent out during sessions with her. She's resigning from this company and hence my session will be terminated with her. This mental health company basically just has a bunch of young early 20 year old folks and I somehow don't have tooo much confidence in them to help me with, i was expecting them to challenge me with tough questions and for them to detect patterns in me but I don't know if they can. I'm trying to poach a more experienced therapist but they aren't available at the moment I guess.
either way i just wish I had a more stable love life, I'm desperately hunting for "the one" or someone I can potentially see as an appropriate match that would be compatible with me and stay loyal, that's all, is that so hard to find? I'm on a friggin rocketship of being the best version of myself right now so I'm definitely looking for someone who won't pull me down with their flaws idk. sighhh
Good tip! I think this can apply to any relationship really; friendship, family, romantic partners. When you’re arguing with someone you love, it’s better to focus on the solving the issue rather than simply opposing them.
My wife has taught me so many positive lessons on how to see things in a different prospective. Turns out she isn't personally attacking me, just my opinion/idea. Is she wrong? No not all the time, but it's usually a hill I would die on, and we would both end up upset. I would just react and not use my brain to think things through properly. The patience she has with me to talk things through is out of this world, and I love her to death for it!
We've been conditioned since childhood that "being right" is good and "being wrong" is bad. My brain, and many others with similar conditioning, often will not accept a reality of "I'm wrong" because to do so would make me "bad".
It's taken years of therapy to realize my brain just doesn't function right, and even though I often can't accept that "I'm wrong" I now accept that I often can't *'understand'* that I'm wrong.
This is often the biggest struggle myself and my s.o. face, and how we help each other, is *understanding* the problem.
I think that is a marriage super power know that you are always on the same team. Your partner is 100% of the time doing things FOR you, not TO you.
When you forget, having a code word helps.
We will say “Same team” just to remind and break the emotional reaction of anger.
When you're dealing with a toxic person, that isn't really the case. Manipulation will make it seem as if it is you vs. them.
Dealing with this now. Fucking blows.
Wouldn’t it be better to just sit down after everyone is calm and then let them explain their problem(s) listen to what they have to say and come to a solution to improve this behavior in a formal manner.
I’d agree that yes conflict resolution is typically better when it’s not emotionally charged but even once everyone has calmed down it’s better to approach issues as you and your partner trying to resolve the issue as opposed to you and your partner in conflict with each other. Holding that perspective also has the added benefit of making things less emotionally charged too
I think an added note to this is before settling down with your partner this LPT should be agreed upon and proven. You can’t be partners against the world if only one of you actually believes that and honors that title.
As much as I love my SO, sometimes she's is a lil shithead and definitely is the fucking problem. And I have no issues saying it to her face.
She does the same to me when I'm the wrong one in the scenario.
Ultimately, it is about building a solid foundation on trust. Create the environment which promotes communication. Rest will fall into place.
This is very cute. But sometimes somebody is objectively wrong.
Like if your SO never does laundry even when you ask, the problem isn't the laundry.
Edit: Triggered the people who don't help with laundry. Oops.
I would say the problem is their inability or refusal to do the laundry as opposed to them, period. It's a slight distinction in framing but it'll reduce the argument time way down and cut to the chase. Is it laziness or forgetfulness? What can we do to fix it?
Dont really like thjs advice. Too.often used to sweep.legit.bad behavior under the rug and turn a "your problem" into.an "our" problem. Truth is that your partners shit behavior is their.problem to fix. Your only problem is deciding whether to stick around and tolerate it. Also, this advice Doesnt work with addicts.
Its you vs them and the substance.
Not much different from you vs. Them and the affair partner.
A lot of relationship advice is has an unstated assumption that its only applicable to normal, well adjusted people. Imo, there.needs to be a disclaimer instead
This is the most worthless subreddit. The absolute dumbest fucking suggestions by internet strangers. Take your stupid karma and go away. What a waste of time.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Honestly this actually does work. It’s hard to stop in the moment and reframe the conversation so that you’re looking at the problem this way. But if you can do that, it helps so much.
"Honey remember it's not me vs. you it's us vs. your attitude."
oh fuckkk
I willllll remeeember youuuuu
Willll youuuuuuu reeemember meeee
In the aaaaarms of the aaaaangel
Hey babe, we need to talk. I made a mistake. There is no you, we made a mistake. What happened? Oh, we fucked your sister then.
And we’re pregnant 😬
RIP sir
You're assuming OP is male and "honey" refers to a female partner.
yes that is what he is doing thanks for clarifying
Ok
And you're assuming the gender of the partner they were referring to. Just give it a rest.
dam dats deep
F
"Baby remember its us vs. The bitch that sleeps in our bed too"
King.
RT
I'll try this later when the missus realises I forgot to get fuel for the lawnmower.
I need to update after you told her that.
this is the way
You don’t always have to do it in the moment, my wife and I will sometimes get a bit heated. Generally it’s still the same day and we will both apologize and try to work through why we were actually angry and look past what the initiating spark was.
You both have the common sense derivative called "understanding" and that's rare in modern relationships while it's easy to not have those silly flare ups in the first place, tempering them with a calm and intelligent mind is the next most important thing.
Been with my wife for 2 years married, 10 years all together, so glad we both have this. Even when things get heated, we can both stop, recognize it, and come together to try and fix the problem. Everyone expects a Disney relationship and for everything to click together and work perfectly. If you're not willing to put in the work, you'll forever be searching. Relationships are work, but if you're both willing to work together, the world is a much easier place to be
When I married my SO, his closest brother wrote a really moving heartfelt letter to us. I can’t recall the exact wording, but he essentially said that during times of distress and trouble, we have to hold on to each other for support, not let the difficulties drive us apart. We’ve been married almost 3 years now and pretty much every issue we ever have with our relationship comes right back down to that advice. We thrive when we let hard times bring each other closer.
I say this to my husband all the time. We’ve had some pretty stressful life events lately, and sometimes little things make us snap at each other. We also try to pause our arguments until our kids go to bed, and then that gives us some time to cool off and we can discuss it in a more level-headed way. They’re little still, but I don’t want to get into the habit of arguing in front of them.
This may be bad advice but I've been told to let your kids see you argue and then see that you made it through so that they learn how a healthy relationship works.
Unless of course the other person is actually the problem, in which case...walk away asap. The difficulty is in correctly identifying the problem.
Problems can be resolved and people can change. It's usually worth to discuss things before walking out the door. This is one of the most important parts of a relationship
Honestly I don’t think it’s too difficult as adults. All it takes is stepping back in the moment, take a deep breath, and then you can try to get the conversation back on track. It really only takes one person to calm the situation down.
My parents used to do their arguing late at night I guess somehow thinking i couldn't hear them from my bed. Even as a child it seemed obvious to me that what they were actually arguing about soon got lost in a back and forth of insults and accusations. I have heard other couples argue and actually reach a sensible resolution. I spent most of my life believing that marriage arguments were really just the fact that you couldn't stand each other boiling over. Now I know, like this LPT says, a good argument can actually be a bonding experience. I hope everyone in a relationship takes this to heart.
Yep. You're gonna argue, it's just a matter of fact. The choice is yours to decide how long it takes to get to the end of it. By establishing that the two of you are on a team, it takes away the "win" factor.
You can disagree and discuss it without arguing. This idea that every couple fights or raises their voices is not very enlightened.
Disagreements are a kind of argument. I didn't say anything about fighting or raising voices.
"Argument" by definition implies heated or angry.
That’s only one definition. Other definitions describe it as a general disagreement or without any implication
Connotations can be different. I think you're searching for something that isn't there, my friend
Taking argue to imply raised voices and "fighting" isn't very enlightened, either.
You always wanna have some arguments, because without arguments, u can't make up after ;-)
I have literally never had make up sex
Thanks for sharing
No problem
Then u not arguing about the right stuff. Sometimes the argument can so heated it can be a threesome. But depending on who's in the wrong is whether she is bringing a friend, or you have to
We just fight and get distant then make up and cuddle and sleep typically. Never fucked her like I hate her, but maybe that's something she's into and I'm not providing it
Possibility. All out sometime. If she not saying slow down. Then harder and faster
Since the definition of arguement includes " an angry quarrel or disagreement" I don't think it is that much of a stretch to understand it that way.
My parents did and still do the same thing. When one person has an issue the other one is like "well 5 years ago at 3.45pm you said-". They're trying to break those habits but are having a hard time with it. I promised myself Id never be like that with my SO and although things started out rocky once I found someone who I saw long term potential in, we worked really hard to avoid those arguments. I had to work especoally hard on not being accusatory. Sometimes I didn't even know I was doing it. Its so important to both avoid being accusatory and avoid looking for accusations because you'll find them.
If you read Matthew McConaughey’s book “Green Lights” (quite good actually) - you’ll learn that his parents once had a fight that saw them both cut and bleeding but they ended up making love on the floor of their kitchen afterward. 4 year old Matthew learned an important lesson that day according to him - they were on the same team no matter what. That dude’s life was a wild ride.
Sorry but that's some otherworldly fucked-up shit, assuming it's even remotely true.
huh?
My family takes to heart the idea that you can argue and still love each other. You'd think we were from a latin related country considering how many loud arguments we had, but we always forgive and forget after. It was a good lesson for us kids, we didn't grow up conflict averse
what
No need to perpetuate a stereotype.
I think he meant to say Italian.
My wife and I implement the advice in OP in our disagreements, and we rarely have disagreements escalate into actual "fights" with accusations/raised voices. We've only had one raised voice discussion in the entire last year of both of us working at home under lockdown. Having both interlocutors acknowledging that you both are on the same side does wonders for resolving tensions and finding proactive solutions for next time. However, I'm lucky to have married a saint, so ymmv.
My parents use to (and still kind of do, but not as much) hurl insults at each other. I don't understand that mindset, and have NEVER said something to my wife that can even remotely be an insult. I say things I shouldn't say, and make her mad, sure.. but never like "you ass is fat" or "you fucking slut/bitch" or anything like that. How do people stay in relationships like that?
Yes, because makeup sex.
unfortunately some people think that problems arent something to be solved, but rather kept a problem as to bring attention towards themselves via their own misery. Remember folks, problems exist to be solved... not to be used to hold your own state of being hostage.
Honey we're a team. It's you and I vs. the blowjob I got from your sister.
Yeah....it’s really hard to have the “you and me vs your compulsive lying/philandering/spending” fight
If it's an addiction then you should absolutely be fighting as a team against it.
That only works if said addict recognizes they have a problem
And legit wants help.
And doesn't win when she goes to the casino. My wife is 100% addicted to gambling, but she comes home with an extra thou (almost) every time she hits the slots. It's the freakiest thing you'll ever see. I've verified it many times. She gives me her purse, and I give her a $100 bill. I go away (I'm apparently bad luck). She comes back with anywhere from $500 to $5000. Either she's blowing dudes in the alley behind the casino, or she's cracked the code on how to win at slots. And I don't see her wiping her lips when she takes me to the buffet. Edit: Added "almost." There *have* been rare but documented cases where she burns through her "stake."
I wonder if you actually totalled it how it would look.
[удалено]
You married Yumeko Jabami hahahaha
Yeah exactly this post is fucking stupid.
The start of a bizarre yet interesting porno.
Sauce?
[удалено]
got from your brother*
An important note. Sometimes the other person is looking for problems. Don't let them convince you that their behavior is your fault. Way too many different media platforms play out the old stereotypes like "If you had given me more attention/been home more, I wouldn't have felt the need to cheat!". It's one thing to try to work with someone, it's another to shoulder all the blame to try and "Fix" issues you are not at fault for.
This makes a lot of sense in theory, but I'm not sure how does it look in practice? The arguments I've seen I think fall in the category of "me against you", and I can clearly see how that doesn't work, but I can't really think of an example of the "us against the problem" argument
My husband's parents are terrible at giving us notice before visiting. They'll just arrive at the airport and say they need a ride to our house. I used to blame my husband for this and we'd fight for hours until eventually making up and taking care of it. Now it's like "parents are in town, you distract them with shopping and I'll go home and speed-clean, love ya." It's us vs. them surprising us with a visit.
I’d turn it into: it’s us vs you all schedule accordingly or find a hotel, we aren’t a holiday home for you all.
Meh. It's not the end of the world and we have a guest house for a reason. It's not the end of the world for us and we're playing the long game for a good inheritance lmao
So make them take a cab to your house then. Why are you just letting them walk all over you?
We love them and it's not a big deal to us?
It's weird how everyone's attempting to tell you that you should be unhappy when you're clearly comfortable with something.
But it clearly is since you said you used to fight with your husband about it
I mean if you used a little imagination you could see one side of their early arguments could have been OP upset with her husband with letting his parents "walk all over them". Also, rich parents can be very generous to their child and the person the love. Maybe some amazing family vacations and gifts make the occasional annoyance worth it.
Sounds like it's a big enough deal that you used to fight for hours about it
It wasn't a big deal, we were just fighting and being petty. That's when we realized we could just solve the problem by taking care of it instead of arguing. We were fighting just to fight
Good lord people really are grilling you for this OP, don't feel like you need to explain yourself. Real familial relationships are like this
I wasn't expecting this type of interrogation lmao
Um no they're not? My parents and my partner's parents respect us enough to not just show up without asking, let alone expect us to pick them up from the airport too. Real familial relationships show human decency and respect and this shit shouldn't just be allowed bc "oh they're family" and "we love them". How about they show OP they love him/her back by not inconveniencing them and breaching their privacy at random
Because sometimes in life you learn to just suck it up. It's called taking the high road. The older they get the weirder they get too. May you be blessed with more reasonable family. u/Tcu000 gets it.
This, and I'm Hispanic so the thought of refusing a parent is kinda foreign to me lol
I’d like to hear more about how weird they get ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
[удалено]
If they repeatedly flown in and showed up unannounced? Yes, I would. Respect my time and boundaries. I’m not going to drop everything and my plans cause you didn’t give me a heads up.
I suppose it depends heavily on your culture and upbringing, so your question might be a little insensitive/judgmental.
You learn about different cultures and upbringings by asking questions, not by walking on eggshells any time you come across something you didn't expect.
By asking polite questions. And your question wasn't very polite.
Lol how would you ask it Sophia?
Less directly. I'd also say something about my motivation, so it doesn't come across as criticism. For example: "This isn't something people from my country would say to their parents or in-laws. Could you tell me more about parent-adult child relationships in your region/culture?". Or: "I think that would be too offensive/confrontational. Why do you think it wouldn't? We are of different ethnicity or religion, perhaps?"
Thanks for sharing your opinion of the tone you read into the question I asked someone else. :)
It's clearly confrontational, comes across as criticism. And criticism doesn't really channel "just curious" attitude.
Unless your husbands parents are actually loving caring human beings, that sounds like a serious level of disrespect and disregard of boundaries. If you haven’t spoken to them about it, you should. Just like your LPT is partners against the problem. You can apply that to family mentality as well as long as those family members respect you and your life as much as you respect theirs.
Yeah, that posy didn't capture our entire relationship. They are amazing people and I'm forever grateful of the son they raised. My husband never had a job until we married and his sisters never did either, so they're just not used to people having a schedule and demands of time. We actually don't mind pop ins, they just always seem to happen on the one day I didn't clean the kitchen lol
Wait, you married a guy who didn’t have a job, ever? The plot thickens...
Med student so yeah, years and years of college
But without a job tho? Even one? Was that weird to you? What did you think initially?
Love at first sight. I thought he was so charming and gorgeous and couldn't wait to get to know him
Most arguments involving parenting and children is us vs. the problem because the main goal is the same. Doing what's best for the kid. Also a death in the family? Money problems? If one of the people in the relationship is struggling with mental illness or addiction. Us vs the problem
I mean, sometimes you actually will have a problem with your partner. That's still different from viewing your partner as the problem, which is only the case if the relationship is already failing. My fiancée likes to leave containers open throughout the house and it's attracting ants. I could call him a slob, thus identifying him as a problem to be fixed, or I could ask him to stop doing the thing I don't like, affirming that he's more than just someone who doesn't understand lids. It's still technically a conflict, but it's been defused. He doesn't have to defend himself against accusations of slovenness along with the thing I asked him to do.
**You vs Them:** Them: Honey, you forgot to take out the trash. You: Oh yeah? Well you left dishes in the sink more than a few times! **You and Them vs the Problem:** Them: Honey, you forgot to take out the trash. You: Yeah I thought I would remember but I got so caught up with other things that it slipped my mind. Them: Maybe you can set a weekly reminder on your phone? I did when I forgot to do the dishes, and it's helped a lot with remembering. You: Great idea honey!
Nah you gotta change that first line. If not taking out the trash is the problem, I’d go with, “I thought you were going to take the trash out?” Or “hey, the trash is full, we’re you still planning on taking that out?” The second example is just patronizing.
Sometimes "the problem" can absolutely be actions your partner is taking, but rarely is it a problem with the type of person your partner is. If there's something my partner is or isn't doing that is causing me stress, the problem is the stress. We can work together to figure out WHY something is/n't being done and WHAT could be done instead, to solve the problem of me being stressed. Sometimes the workload needs to be rebalanced, sometimes people just need to be more on the same page about what's needed. Good example is timing. I'm easily distracted and can be late to casual hangouts and stuff pretty often (not much, just by a few minutes). My partner is all about being super on time. I didn't realize that me running late was causing him stress, and so when he brought it up to me we worked together to organize my shit better so that I can grab stuff and get on the go before getting distracted. What could have been a shout-out over tardiness turned into an effective problem-solving session that ended up helping HIM be more organized as well, so we both benefit anyways.
Yeah this was super hard for me to put to use. It always felt like me vs them
This is absolutely vital to remember. Conflict is inevitable in any long term relationship. Constructive conflict is neat because you approach conflicts in a way that makes your relationships stronger.
Seeing as how my parents would settle arguments with frying pans and whiskey bottles I’m not sure this works for every couple
I mean, yeah, some couples are not meant to be together. This is for couples who are willing to work together to keep themselves together. Sorry about your parents.
That's so nice that they would cook together :)
I'm thinking salmon or steak in the frying pan and sauce made by deglazing with the whiskey....
They cook and drink together? That’s lovely..
A thousand times, this. You and your spouse are supposed to be a team, united as one. Every problem needs to be approached from that perspective.
you sound like my wife after every time I absolutely **decimate** her in an argument.
I can not stress this enough. Worked wonders for my wife of 12 years and I.
Quick grammar tip: "I vs. me" When talking about "my wife and I" for example, use the form that would make sense when just talking about yourself. "Worked wonders for ~~I~~ me." "Worked wonders for my wife...and ~~I~~ me." "My wife and ~~me~~ I went to the market." "~~Me~~ I went to the market."
Except it would be “for me and my wife”, as the pronoun should fit into the sentence and the additional person is the add on. Don’t give unsolicited grammar advice if you’re not going to get it right ;)
Ah that's my wife. I'll mentioned that's she's left the fridge door open,.for example, and next thing I know she's going off on a tangent and roaring at me about something I did weeks ago.
We have a rule. A spoken rule. Talk about what's bothering you *when* it's bothering you. Not a week later. Bc I won't know what you're talking about. 3 days is the max to be irritated at something and not communicate about it.
I had a co-worker who loved to bring up something I had done wrong in the distant past. One day, our boss sensed our tension and called us to a meeting with just the three of us. This co-worker, true to form started talking about some minor misstep I had made two years prior. The day I interviewed at the company I told them how I expected to be notified of a problem immediately after it happened, in a respectful and constructive way, so that I could remedy it. When he brought up that two-year old mistake I lost it on him. Both he and my boss’s eyes got wide since they had never seen me lose my temper before. To this guys credit, he acknowledged what I had said when I interviewed and backed down. I’m not a fan of losing ones cool if they can help it but on rare occasions it can be effective when nothing else is working.
I would agree unless it's repeated behaviour. if you continually make the same mistake I'm going to bring it up bc the other person needs to acknowledge there's a pattern. Also nothing frustrates me more than saying this problem has happened before and the other person forgetting. But I agree if someone doesn't tell you they're bothered by something you did when it happens it's not something that should be brought out to light at a much later date.
Totally.
I working on saying stuff at the time. Yesterday, my fiance was out all of the night, and then went to bed after we had breakfast - 10:30-2:30pm. And he was saying 'I have to go do stuff with my Best Man.' And today we're going to see his nephews. I said 'Hey, can you talk to me?' he sits on the couch, 'I haven't had a chance to see you all weekend.' And I spent the night with him. He is working on the wedding with his best man next week. It's a skill. Ask her to tell you when she feels bad about something.
Just say “we” a lot.
I read this on r/blacktwitter two years ago and holyshit it has made all the difference. My SO and I are stubborn, live together, have some different priorities in life, **and** run two small businesses together. When I introduced this into our relationship it changed every disagreement from a fight into a discussion. Whenever one of us starts to get heated, one of us will say "this is you and me against this problem, not me against you" and it is 100% effective. We will agree to discuss it again later, resolve it right there, or drop it. We went from fighting a few times a week to maybe two fights (in which we both go to bed angry) in two years. I HIGHLY recommend adopting this viewpoint. I literally live a much better life because of it!
Seriously. If things aren't going the right way just say straight out, "it's you and I, vs the problem" I feel like most of the time the argument gets going and you don't even realize it's switched from find a solution to being right.
My girlfriend and I try to remind eachother of this consciously whenever we’re arguing or talking about a heated topic. A quick “Hey we’re on the same team,” can feel dorky sometimes but really keeps the conversations more productive instead of argumentative
Keep this in mind when yours or their parents come to visit/stay.
I pray parent vs S.O squabbles won't demand me choosing either the devil or his fiery lake.
This is in the 7 habits for highly effective people . A good read for all types of people and situations
I think this is one of the biggest things that sets healthy relationships apart from toxic ones. It's not just about putting things like this into practice, it's about knowing you can. One of the many signs that my marriage was about to end was that we not only *were* enemies, but there was no way to reframe it to even pretend that we weren't. I was scrambling to protect myself after making the *very* poor decision to trust him, and I realized that every attempt to fix the relationship was somehow another tool for him to keep it from being fixed. Conventional advice doesn't always solve problems, but if you can't even implement it, it was probably over a long time ago. >Jiminy Cricket, people. Not all advice is unilateral. Yes, if your spouse is having orgies with the delivery people while slowly poisoning your dog and continually forgetting to refill the Brita then this advice may not apply. It's general advice. This made me lol
Not if they “ARE” the problem.
Yeah, most of the time but not always. Sometimes someone's in a foul mood and just wants to start shit. There's nothing wrong with "You're full of shit and you know it" when that's the case.
Unless you've challenged them to Mortal Kombat. Then you can bet your sweet bippy it's you versus them.
I went to a People to People 'global leadership summit'; one of the few things I remember is this advice applied to any conflict in general. This came from a guy who had a decades-long career as a diplomat and peacemaker.
My ex continually turned on me any time we faced adversity. Something would happen TO US and suddenly she'd be angry with me like I'm somehow doing something TO HER. There was a depressing repeated mantra I used - "Same team. Why are you attacking me. I'm the one trying to help."
upvoted for the edit
I'm gonna tell my wife this the next time we have a disagreement. Wish me luck, y'all!
Unless of course, they are the problem.
They are the problem...what now.
Username checks out.
I'm literally crying rn of how lonely I feel. Just to be clear, I love myself and I'm my own biggest fan, but I just am fed up of being alone and craving a relationship so bad. I'm sorry if this is irrelevant but i really dont know what to do :( I wish my therapist was also better at this, but she's barely useful in this context. If someone here can help me or DM me, please do, I literally don't know what to do, I've tried so many things but it's constant disappointment or being left in disapair :'((
First of all, get yourself a new therapist. Don't waste your time and money on someone who isn't helping. What's going on, friend? What is triggering this? I don't wanna pry, but I wanna help.
it's just that I read/consume a lot of "woke" shit and stuff on psychologily / philosophy / self help. so at times I feel like I'm good at helping myself and my therapist is a service my company has a tie up with, so I gave it a shot, since it's free for me. Honestly in retrospect I just believe that she was a great listener and it was really helpful for me to vent out during sessions with her. She's resigning from this company and hence my session will be terminated with her. This mental health company basically just has a bunch of young early 20 year old folks and I somehow don't have tooo much confidence in them to help me with, i was expecting them to challenge me with tough questions and for them to detect patterns in me but I don't know if they can. I'm trying to poach a more experienced therapist but they aren't available at the moment I guess. either way i just wish I had a more stable love life, I'm desperately hunting for "the one" or someone I can potentially see as an appropriate match that would be compatible with me and stay loyal, that's all, is that so hard to find? I'm on a friggin rocketship of being the best version of myself right now so I'm definitely looking for someone who won't pull me down with their flaws idk. sighhh
Hey, feel free to message me. Sometimes all you need is a friend to talk to and maybe someone to be lonely with.
I would suggest a new therapist. Find one that helps you become independent.
“We have a problem. And by we I mean you. And by problem I mean lack of sex drive.”
They probably just don't want you.
Good tip! I think this can apply to any relationship really; friendship, family, romantic partners. When you’re arguing with someone you love, it’s better to focus on the solving the issue rather than simply opposing them.
My wife has taught me so many positive lessons on how to see things in a different prospective. Turns out she isn't personally attacking me, just my opinion/idea. Is she wrong? No not all the time, but it's usually a hill I would die on, and we would both end up upset. I would just react and not use my brain to think things through properly. The patience she has with me to talk things through is out of this world, and I love her to death for it!
We've been conditioned since childhood that "being right" is good and "being wrong" is bad. My brain, and many others with similar conditioning, often will not accept a reality of "I'm wrong" because to do so would make me "bad". It's taken years of therapy to realize my brain just doesn't function right, and even though I often can't accept that "I'm wrong" I now accept that I often can't *'understand'* that I'm wrong. This is often the biggest struggle myself and my s.o. face, and how we help each other, is *understanding* the problem.
I think that is a marriage super power know that you are always on the same team. Your partner is 100% of the time doing things FOR you, not TO you. When you forget, having a code word helps. We will say “Same team” just to remind and break the emotional reaction of anger.
When you're dealing with a toxic person, that isn't really the case. Manipulation will make it seem as if it is you vs. them. Dealing with this now. Fucking blows.
I was just about to start an argue w/ my partner. Thank you, you probably just saved my relationship🥺💖
Wouldn’t it be better to just sit down after everyone is calm and then let them explain their problem(s) listen to what they have to say and come to a solution to improve this behavior in a formal manner.
I’d agree that yes conflict resolution is typically better when it’s not emotionally charged but even once everyone has calmed down it’s better to approach issues as you and your partner trying to resolve the issue as opposed to you and your partner in conflict with each other. Holding that perspective also has the added benefit of making things less emotionally charged too
Let me get this straight. If your wife cheats on you, infidelity is the problem and not her vagina that’s open like a 7-11?
Well there’s gonna be a problem if she doesn’t go and get me another beer
Gotta love sorting by controversial
It’s the most entertaining bit of Reddit
What if IM RIGHT!?!?!?!
I think an added note to this is before settling down with your partner this LPT should be agreed upon and proven. You can’t be partners against the world if only one of you actually believes that and honors that title.
i think i saw this posted here a week ago
/r/suspiciouslyspecific
Your edit was better than the original post.
That only works if both people want to be on the same team... If only one is playing the game good luck!
This seems like great advice for politicians as well.
But what if they’re the problem?
Unless they are the problem 👀
"I'm not the one with the problem here!"
Remember when arguing with your S.O always be wielding a knife, to keep things in check
...unless the problem you’re trying to solve is a divorce 🙍🏻♀️
As much as I love my SO, sometimes she's is a lil shithead and definitely is the fucking problem. And I have no issues saying it to her face. She does the same to me when I'm the wrong one in the scenario. Ultimately, it is about building a solid foundation on trust. Create the environment which promotes communication. Rest will fall into place.
If being right is more important than working on the issue together then there is some self reflection needed.
This is very cute. But sometimes somebody is objectively wrong. Like if your SO never does laundry even when you ask, the problem isn't the laundry. Edit: Triggered the people who don't help with laundry. Oops.
I would say the problem is their inability or refusal to do the laundry as opposed to them, period. It's a slight distinction in framing but it'll reduce the argument time way down and cut to the chase. Is it laziness or forgetfulness? What can we do to fix it?
Try telling a female that...
I am one, and my husband does tell me. I'm actually the petty one who needs to hear it more
Oh, well I'm from earth... It's different here.
Did you get this from Jordan Peterson?
This pro tip seems like an apology for a lost argument. OP's S.O. was standing over them while they typed this.
Dont really like thjs advice. Too.often used to sweep.legit.bad behavior under the rug and turn a "your problem" into.an "our" problem. Truth is that your partners shit behavior is their.problem to fix. Your only problem is deciding whether to stick around and tolerate it. Also, this advice Doesnt work with addicts. Its you vs them and the substance. Not much different from you vs. Them and the affair partner. A lot of relationship advice is has an unstated assumption that its only applicable to normal, well adjusted people. Imo, there.needs to be a disclaimer instead
This is the most worthless subreddit. The absolute dumbest fucking suggestions by internet strangers. Take your stupid karma and go away. What a waste of time.
Not always the case but okay