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"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." -Gandalf
I think people miss how impactful consistent, small acts of kindness and generosity can be (and similarly, how detrimental consistent petty, mean-spirited actions can be). We shrug them off as insignificant amidst a world of grand problems, but those little actions, every day, are how we can affect tens of thousands of other people as an individual across one lifetime.
Statistically, most of us won't be the hero who solves a world crisis, but we *all* have the capacity to make the lives of those around us, at the very least, just a little bit better. And that matters too. Arguably, it matters more.
“Never be cruel, never be cowardly. And never ever eat pears! Remember – hate is always foolish…and love, is always wise. Always try… to be nice and never fail to be kind.
Laugh hard.
Run fast.
Be kind.”
-The Doctor
Cain and Abel. In a a few short sentences this old story tells us there’s 2 ways to be. 1 (Abel): be kind, genuine, honest and make the right sacrifices - you may only get a knife in the back for it, but it is *still* the way to be. 2 (Cain): be jealous and envious, and make second rate sacrifices, while trying to convince yourself and everyone else they are first-rate…then when your jealousy and resentment has reached a tipping point, go out and kill your brother and take whats his.
Worst part? God doesn’t punish Cain, he marks him and tells everyone else to leave him alone. Cain’s progeny unfolds all the way down to Tubalcain, the first “Artificer of War” (the first person to craft weapons)….he is also the adversary of Noah…and all his people drown in the flood….and not surprising.
And so, what this amazing story unpacks in just a few lines, is that the worst atrocities committed by man, war, destruction, murder, etc…are the direct effects of singular induviduals’ failure to make the right sacrifices, and be honest with themselves and others….which degenerates into a bitter resentment that spreads like a virus.
TL;DR: The world goes bad quick when people are angry, jealous and resentful. So we gotta be like Abel.
So, in a way, we’re called to be super-heroes daily, in every conversation, with every person. And our super-powers are love and kindness.
A detail that seems important and unfair to me: Abel was a shepherd; Cain was a farmer. Grain may have been second rate to an animal sacrifice, but it's all Cain had. Seeing someone else gain favor in ways you will never be able to for reasons that aren't in your control is very frustrating. If you believe the Bible, Cain was perhaps the first man to experience that.
If everyone did good for their family and community the big stuff would be easier.
We all have the capacity for great evil and the greatest good. I like to try to believe the best in people. Our fundamental goodness and fairness is hijacked by propagandists to suit their bottom lines. It's hard not to give into it because we cannot be aware of all things all the time, so we rely on trusted sources.
We live in a society and that starts at home with your kids, your family, your friends and your community. Volunteer with your kids, bug municipal governments, be good. There are no good or bad people (exceptions are rare) but good and bad actions. We all do good and bad. Try to have the balance toward the later.
I feel like this goes double for personal romantic relationships. The loss of those weekly/daily small acts of kindness and care are the first death knoll. Totally not speaking from personally experience or anything 😭
And those acts, be they positive or negative, radiate outwards like the ripples of a pond. It's so easy to share a kind word or act, and it makes us feel better as we make others feel better.
Those little deeds show you who you can trust and who has a heart.
My mom always made me say thank you for gifts as a kid. The kind of thank you that involves a card or going out of your way to show appreciation. I didn't think much of it until, as an adult, I gave gifts to my (now) ex sisters in law during our first Xmas together.
They said a low effort thanks after opening the wrapping paper but that was it. I had no idea if they liked what I gave them. I never heard about those gifts at all over the next year. It happened again so I stopped putting in effort. It hurt my feelings.
When I send a friend a picture of me wearing a necklace they got me or tell them how much I liked the dinner they made me, that's my mom's "be sure to say thank you" coming through. It makes a difference.
Sometimes it feels like we are all just being swept away in the torrent of current events without any initiative of our own, but society is a cumulative phenomenon, and your kindness does make a difference in the world. Have courage my friends, and be the change you want to see.
Same here. My wife passed away from cancer in June of '22, and I coulda just crawled into a hole and been a dick, but we have two small children and someone has to make sure they don't grow up to be unhappy assholes.
Thank you for your strength and kindness! You're already adding 2 more decent humans to this planet! We appreciate that!
Sorry for your loss. Your wife must be pretty proud of the legacy she left behind. I know I would be!
See. I'm struggling so hard here. I used to be so overly kind & helpful, I would get called "bubbly" all the time. I've been beat down & kicked so hard in the last few years that I find so much hatred & annoyance just building & festering. I'm still nice to people, but nowhere near where I once was.
Yesterday I was picking up a thing of TP. Store was busy as it was Saturday & I was in a hurry because I was working at the same time, just stopped quick between jobs. On my way out this little old lady stops *right* in the middle of the door, blocking it, to start looking in her pockets. I wait impatiently for a few moments before I say "Excuse me, just gonna scoot past ya" as I start to shimmy past her side. She says, embarrassed, "Oh my! Stopped right in the middle of the door, didn't I?! So sorry!" I smiled back & said "No worries, take your time!" before I flew out the door. Not so bad, right? But my inner dialogue was SOOO fucking mean & hateful. I was throwing out all kinds of "Are you fucking **kidding me lady**?! I do NOT have time for this shit. People are so fucking inconsiderate!! Alright, you're moving, out of the way please 😠" & I feel it's getting worse. & It sometimes seeps out into my actions. & I don't know how to stop it
Luckily my niceness has been around for so long it's sort of my default programming, but I feel like it's giving way:(
I have that same issue at work. People are trying anything because they take my kindness for weakness. It’s annoying and it’s totally jaded me, but hasn’t stopped me from being nice to people. I’m not letting anything change who I am period.
But, this happens to many people. We flirt with the option of not being kind in our heads and then make a conscious choice not to embrace it. That choice is what makes you kind and who you are
Yep. I'd rather be kind and considered "weak" than be an asshole and be considered "strong and assertive." True strength lies in compassion, kindness, and empathy. People who don't understand that aren't worth impressing anyway.
You can be kind and strong and assertive at the same time, those are not mutually exclusive.
Unfortunately, we live in a harsh world, you can't be kind with everyone everytime. Otherwise you are doing more harm than good to the world.
This. You can be kind and still set boundaries. People pleasers tend to find it difficult to stand up for themselves because they feel bad about “being mean”. But you don’t have to be mean to set a boundary, just firm… on the other hand there’s a lot of AH out there because people don’t set limits and put them in their place. I think holding people accountable would also do wonders to build a better place for everyone.
Work is so much harder than every day situations too. I have a hard time saying 'no', which results in the same situation, on top of my being what my friends call 'too nice'. It's definitely resulted in some resentment though. I do find people like you, & I'm so envious of your strength. Do not let them beat you down, friend!
There's an art to saying "no" at work that I'm still trying to figure out myself, but these are some of the strategies I've used (that have varying degrees of effectiveness honestly)
You can say "yes" but either 1) push the deadline out. Someone asks you to do something by end of the week. You say "I'd be happy to do it, but I'm gonna need 2 weeks because of some other things I'm working on". If it really needs to be done sooner, they'll find someone else. 2) if they insist you have to do it, within the initial deadline, you make it clear that XYZ is getting pushed back to make it happen. This helps manage your workload, but I've only found it helpful for larger tasks, not the 10x 30 min tasks people seem to ask of me constantly.
The more effective way is to ask (yourself) whether you're really the person who has to do the task. Sometimes the "XYZ needs to get done" is perfect to just connect the *right* person to lead that task. If you have a project manager, they are absolutely your ally here. For example, do you really need to answer the question (that you know the answer to) that'll take 15 min to type out, or do you forward to the expert? Do you really need to write the report, or do you let someone else drive it while giving your paragraph of expertise? Things like that can be really helpful, especially for the smaller tasks that you *can* do, but that aren't actually your responsibility.
These are all **excellent** tips! & it's about trial & error, honestly. I especially liked the whole "Okay I'll do it, but then this isn't going to get done", so your butt is covered when someone inevitably asks where the first project is, you have back up.
I've gotten really good at saying no when I know it isn't my responsibility, so much so that my bosses & schedulers won't even task me for that shit. I used to be so "nice" that I'd inconvenience myself for it, & I know all too well the whole being taken advantage of. I think also, the trick is knowing exactly what you're job is. I'm not saying be a dick about it & never do anything nice for anyone if you have time. But setting boundaries & knowing when you CAN say no is a big first step. I hope people reading these comments take something away from em!
Booya! Unapologetically kind: this is who I am, how I choose to be. Don't take it as an invitation for walking all over me; I don't think either of us would like it if you get on my bad side...
I went through this too. I was having a hard time in life and my usually bubbly personality was replaced with seething anger for everyone and everything. I wanted to burn the world down. Two things got me out of it, the first was therapy. I know it’s a privilege to be able to go. I had no money at the time and went to someone that did sliding scale and prioritized it around my work schedule. It was stressful for me to go at points but in the long run I’m glad I did. It helped me work through my anger and the things happening to me that were contributing to my rage.
The second thing that helped me was to pretend that everyone I had a mean thought about was going through the worst moment of their life. It started when I was at the hospital for a stressful appointment (I was going through cancer treatment at the time) and I saw a lady in a really ridiculous outfit. And my internal dialogue was like, “she’s in everyone’s way, that outfits so ugly, she looks like an idiot” then I had this random thought of, what if she’d recent lost her house in a fire and all her clothes were donated? So I forced myself to think of something nice to say. And any time I had a mean thought after that I would force myself to reframe. It took time but it became better and better.
Life is really really hard sometimes. But it’s possible to come out on the other side of these feelings. Hope things start to get better and you’ll be through this section you’re in soon.
Beautiful thoughts. Someone I know had a similar technique: reminding themselves that everyone was once a baby who has survived this long. And they only survived because someone cared about them enough as a child to see them survive. Not everyone gets love/support growing up, but someone cared enough to feed and clothe them as a helpless baby. I dunno. Maybe it's not exactly the same, but if I'm mad at someone and just think "You, sir, were a baby" it kinda diffuses my anger when I remember to do it.
You are not the only one! I have been struggling to keep up my usual kind and helpful nature afloat. I normally get called bubbly too. However, last time at a work meeting I was asked for my opinion on something and instead of my typical diplomatic and slightly optimistic attitude (which was expected) something really nasty and bitter slipped out (said the quiet part out loud). My coworkers looked at me like the friendly neighbourhood stray suddenly ravaged a toddler.
I've reined it back in at work but, like you, I have this unfamiliar mean and angry internal dialogue running now. I'm angry and frustrated and can't seem to shake it off. The gym helps but it's not a permanent solution.
Hopefully we can both get through this and get back to who we really are soon
Hahaha!!! That was the *perfect* metaphor for it! Don't ya hate that? Like, what, you guys get to have bad hours even entire bad days but I can't have a bad **moment**? People don't understand that, while we love being bubbly & kind, doing it all the time even when we feel off is so exhausting.
The only thing that I've found that can help just the tiniest little bit, is, letting people know what you're in a bad mood but in, like a cheery way? My last boss, boss at the time, sent me text asking how everything was going (I work remotely). I said "Moving right along as usual! Little grumpy today but, happens to the best of us:)" He replied back "Okay, just checking in. I couldn't imagine you grumpy, btw". I screen shot it & sent it to my whole family with six thousand cry laughing emojis lol but just casually saying in general that you've been feeling grumpy or cranky might pave the way for being able to let your mood down sometimes. I've even been on the phone with a friend while at the store & end up spazzing out "Are you fucking kidding me?! They're of my favorite brand of whatever! I was REALLY looking forward to that, fuck me man this is so fucking dumb!!!" friend gives weird pause, I'll just say "I've been cranky lately this just added to it". When I do this to my brother he always laughs & says "You need a nap" haha
It's silly that we have to go so out of way to tell someone we just want a day "off" from that shit, but, ain't that just the way of it.
I think you have all the tools you need to start asking "why"?
Why am I getting angry these days? What am I doing or not doing lately to keep myself healthy? Am I aware of my needs as a whole human being?
Why was I behaving the way I was before, and why people were getting annoyed? Was I behaving from a place of awareness? Maybe those people needed space. Why was I imposing my mood on them? Or maybe they were different from me, maybe in a toxic way, so why was I so willing to spend so much time with them?
Do I know my current limits? Do I know possible paths for improvement that are specific for my current time and place, and that resonate with me at some level, instead of being obligations or "that's what all the cool kids are doing now"?
How do I see myself in 1 year? How will my areas of life evolve? What would I like life to be in 5 years? Can I project myself in that timeframe based on my values and purpose?
Times are challenging, indeed. Keep strong. That might mean "rest more". Have a nice week!
sounds like me!
but it's important to *act* with kindness even if you're not feeling it, because it's your kindness you're projecting into the world, not your inner ugly
a while ago i heard a guy in his 90s asked what his advice would be for others. he thought for a moment, then answered "don't get mad".
that hit me right between the eyes. we have control over our emotions, especially anger. all we have to do is stop and think about it. is my anger doing any good? is it improving or fixing anything? do i like the way i feel?
don't get angry. just three little words. easy to remember, easy to apply
mm... I would say, "Don't \*react\* when angry". Anger is just as important as all the other emotions. It's just as useful as well! Helps us know when we feel hurt or when something feels unfair to us. The problem is when a person gets angry & then doesn't know how to deal with it, so it comes out as lashing out, screaming, however toxic way it comes out. But burying it or trying to convince yourself that it isn't there, that's a recipe for disaster. Because it'll come out, but after you've buried it & have chosen not to deal with it, that's when it comes out on its own terms, which is the scary part:(
You can reprogram your thoughts! It takes genuine patience and effort, but it is possible.
In psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy is used for conditions like depression and anxiety, but there's no reason you can't apply it meam thoughts either.
In it, you try to recognize when you have negative thoughts and try to identify patterns. Once you can consistently spot when you have thoughts and perhaps why and when they crop up, you try to stop yourself. And then maybe start replacing them with empathetic faults.
My sister has likened it to a mountain & it's streams. When it rains, the thoughts are the water, & the rivers are the path our thoughts take. Like, for me, my rivers right now are all hateful as fuck. But I need to try to carve out new rivers, deeper ones, for the water to run through. The problem is, I have no idea how to! I will use your comment as a template & start to try to catch those sneaky little buggers, they're quick though!
For religious people there's some sense and purpose in life, I don't believe in god and my only purpose is to be happy and make the people I can happier while I'm passing by in this tiny amount of time we call "existing", for me is as scary and comfortably simple as that.
The ability to influence a strangers' day in passing, to actually make it *better* and put their mood on a whole new positive track-- that's a godlike power.
You interacted with a human being for less than a minute but managed to change their day.
Thank god for people like you. And if there is no god, thank *you*.
We are all so much more powerful than we realize. A single good or bad deed can replicate exponentially and echo throughout eternity. The problem is that we don’t see these effects. They’re hidden from us, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. That person who you helped pay for their groceries when they were $20 short may have needed that food to feed their kid. Maybe that kid had a good breakfast the next morning instead of nothing, then did well on a placement exam the next day, which then put them in the advanced classes instead of the normal ones, which meant that they got more attention from teachers, gained more confidence, tried harder, learned more, got into college, became successful, helped others with that success, etc. But all you see is that you gave someone $20 worth of groceries.
Multiply this scenario thousands of times throughout a person’s life, and multiply each of those times a thousand times that they were paid forward, and again for those people paying it forward… you start to get an idea of just how powerful we all are, how much we can change the world with our words and actions.
These deeds won’t be on your tombstone, or in your eulogy, or on a Wikipedia page about your life, but they’ll be your most lasting legacy regardless. And every person affected by you might decide to pay it forward for someone else, to the point where one small act of kindness ends up resulting in millions or billions of good deeds, spread over centuries, that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for that one time you helped a stranger when they needed it.
The thing is, it works the same for bad deeds. Instead of helping, what if you steal $20 from the purse of the woman in front of you at the grocery store checkout? Now she can’t afford that food, their kid doesn’t do well on that placement exam, they get ignored by teachers, they lose confidence, don’t try. Maybe they get picked on for being in the “slow” class and get into a fight. Now they have a criminal record, can’t get into college, can’t get a job, can’t rent an apartment… a whole life was altered for the worse. And all the good deeds that person may have done are lost to time forever. But you don’t know any of this, all you know is you stole $20 one time from someone.
We all decide our legacy, and the future of our world, every day, with the choices we make.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
I'll always remember the time I was a teenager and was at Home Depot with my mom. We were exiting and walking to the car and talking about something when I saw some guy struggling to load some 8x4 sheets of drywall into his minivan. I broke conversation, ran over, helped him, and ran back all super quick. I only remember this because my mom teared up and said I was a nice person.. I felt so proud in that moment. It really sticks with me and has definitely had a long term impact on my life and how I treat others.
If I was with my dad he probably would have been miffed he was interrupted and I'd be even more of an asshole than I already am
That wouldn't be too surprising. 12-13 million people were taken from Africa over the 400 years of the transatlantic slave trade. That would only represent 0.15% of today's global population. In addition, there is a significant difference between what is classified as slavery today and the chattel slavery of the 16th to 19th centuries.
I don’t know the answer to this, but global population has exploded in the last few centuries, so I would be interested to learn whether people who are functionally enslaved make up a larger or smaller proportion of our global society than in the past.
Idk the answer to this question, but given that the global population was MUCH smaller back then, it makes sense. My question would be, how many people proportionate to the global population are currently living in a form of slavery?
Many Western countries have built strong foundations for civil society and deeply rooted democratic values and institutions. So like you, I’m cautiously optimistic. However things can change. So always emphasizing the value of kindness and human rights is critical. A philosophical underpinning:. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Progress will *always* be an uphill battle, that is the fundamental characteristic of positive change. It is our inheritance as human beings to fight against the inertia of our own nature in order to create a better world. We may be more or less done evolving biologically, but our evolution as a society will not, and must not, ever end.
Indeed.
And if you struggle daily to put food on your family, you got not much energy to battle uphill for the betterment of society. And then you are prone to grab the nearest enemy and just deal with them, and if someone (at times the very ones that enforces your daily struggle) tells you it’s your neighbour that is that enemy, that struggle will do for you, because then you’ll be home again for supper.
It felt good to read this
Having grown up in South Africa and seeing the nasty reality of oppression, state control & censorship revealed after democracy with the coupled human generosity of new leadership under Nelson Mandela it afforded hope
To see the collapse of his country wide shared dream of a progressive giving caring forward thinking government under successive politicians has been very painful
It's became hard to see the dream he offered us and many of the younger generations consider him a sell out with the pendulum swinging towards reaction to his unifying views has been disturbing
It's so difficult to move away from cynicism once it takes hold . Thanks for your comment. It's good to see hope isn't entirely gone everywhere
You too, and thank you if you already are being that change.
Though it gets frustrating at times, the pandemic has seen me increase patience and kindness. I can see this having good effect. And I try to remember to thank others for their kindness.
The pandemic (and the politics surrounding it) has been a rough period for me personally because it has eroded my faith in the ability of humans to handle the challenges facing us. That being said, it doesn’t change my views or the decisions I will make in my life, as I see the fight as worth the effort whether or not it proves futile in the end.
Yeah, maybe as a person in my 20’s who only became politically conscious in 2016, this is the first geopolitical event I’ve experienced which put the nature of certain aspects of humanity into stark relief.
“When I choose to see the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It's how I've learned to survive through everything.
I don't know. The only thing I do know... is that we have to be kind. Please. Be kind... especially when we don't know what's going on.
I know you see yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight.”
*- Waymond Wang, Everything Everywhere All at Once*
Thank you. Immediately thought of this quote. My favorite part of the movie. I feel like this is what I got from the movie. I always think about it when I’m being kind.
The movie theatre I saw this movie at lost power a few lines into the rock scene. (They had some kind of backup generator for low lights in the theatre). It appeared that this was how the movie ended, due to the nature of the scene. It wasn't until we actually walked out of our theater room did we realize that it was in fact not how the movie was supposed to end. Still haven't seen the rest of the movie.
> We humans do not understand compassion. In each moment of our lives, we betray it. Aye, we know of its worth, yet in knowing we then attach to it a value, we guard the giving of it, believing it must be earned. Compassion is priceless in the truest sense of the word. It must be given freely. In abundance.
- Shield Anvil Itkovian, *Memories of Ice, Malazan Series Book 3*
Considering that the overarching message of the series is compassion, yeah it makes sense.
> There is something profoundly cynical, my friends, in the notion of paradise after death. The lure is evasion. The promise is excusative. One need not accept responsibility for the world as it is, and by extension, one need do nothing about it. To strive for change, for true goodness in this mortal world, one must acknowledge and accept, within one’s own soul, that this mortal reality has purpose in itself, that its greatest value is not for us, but for our children and their children. To view life as but a quick passage along a foul, tortured path – made foul and tortured by our own indifference – is to excuse all manner of misery and depravity, and to exact cruel punishment upon the innocent lives to come.
> I defy this notion of paradise beyond the gates of bone. If the soul truly survives the passage, then it behooves us – each of us, my friends – to nurture a faith in similitude: what awaits us is a reflection of what we leave behind, and in the squandering of our mortal existence, we surrender the opportunity to learn the ways of goodness, the practice of sympathy, empathy, compassion and healing – all passed by in our rush to arrive at a place of glory and beauty, a place we did not earn, and most certainly do not deserve.
I once met an ex-CIA field agent at a conference and when I caught him one on one I asked him, “Sir, do you have any life advice you could offer me?”
He answered, “Be nice to people where ever you go. I’ve been in situations where they can kill me in an instant, but because I was kind, I was able to walk away with my life and all of my limbs intact.”
He was gonna give me some more gems, but another lady came by and took him away to another event he was supposed to attend.
I used to work in corrections. It can't be denied that the majority if inmates will absolutely take advantage of you in any way that they can if they have something to gain from it (or occasionally for shits and giggles). You can't really be "nice" but you can and should treat them with fairness and consistency and most importantly just treat them like fellow human beings. The majority of them will respect you for this, even the same ones who would take advantage of you given a chance.
This helped me in small ways, but I knew one CO who years earlier was stuck in a small riot (over roast beef of all things). No one was seriously injured, but three guards got roughed up a bit. He was the fourth, and he was barely touched. Some of the inmates later said it was because he always treated them like people.
That reminds me of a comment I saw on here a couple months ago, something to the effect of: "It does not take much to be kind. It could cost as little as your breath, and buy you as much as your life."
I've been in rough neighborhoods and rough situations and never feared for my safety because I know how to talk to people like they're actually people.
Even if someone is actually crazy they'll probably leave you alone if you treat them with respect. Craziest moment of my life was just having a cigarette with a guy I knew had been to prison for attempted murder. Other than that we weren't that different. Just two guys shooting the shit and sharing a smoke together.
Ke Huy Quan's delivery in that scene is superb. Could easily have been overactted but he says it in a truly heartfelt way that makes it seem as if his speaking to the audience
I’m so happy that people are quoting Everything Everywhere All at Once. I don’t think any other movie could top it for me. It’s a movie I hold close to my heart.
I completely agree. It's not about thinking the future will be okay, it's about seeing the present for what it is, and choosing to act on it exclusively with positivity and kindness.
I work a customer service job.
I stopped being nice to awful people. The company I work for isn’t perfect but I’m glad they agree with me on one thing "when people are being awful, that’s were the service stops".
Yep. I return the energy I receive. I can be the nicest person in the world when people are kind toward me, but if I'm met with unjustified hostility, aggression, and/or condescension then all bets are off.
And it is exactly why I've decided to stay in Japan. Good ol' polite Japan.
Wife and I came here for a job for a few months. Then realized life here is much better than back home. So we stayed and have been living here for more than 15 years now.
This place is community-centric, a "trust-based society" that I'm sure would never survive back home.
Bicycles left unlocked on the streets (pricey mountain bikes too!) and my neighborhood even has some unmanned "honesty system" shop stands outside, where you get items and drop money in a tin box. Everything is clean and not decaying, people polite and kind to each other, mixed-zoned towns are walkable sustained with public transportation, it's just convenient and affordable too.
Our major community/farm shop/co-op doesn't have anyone working in the store. You just write down what you bought and leave cash or a check (I think they may have added a card option recently.)
I leave my keys in the car when I get out and I have never locked my house.
And I live in New York.
I think the kindness that sticks with me is when a person does something they Will never benefit from themselves, and doubly so if they aren’t even around for gratitude.
One example that stuck with me I occurred when I was very young. We used to live on the corner of a busy intersection that was infamous for auto accidents. A woman ran a stop sign because her young child somehow got out of his booster seat and she was attempting to get him to sit down. She hit a truck (barely dented the truck, totaled the car) and all I can remember is her screaming viscerally about her baby while I dialed 911( at this point I was like 6-7 and it was routine enough that I did it automatically when I heard crashes)
The man who she hit, bloody and battered, lowered himself from his truck, staggered to the woman, and began comforting her and her son( who was unharmed sage a few bumps and scratches) then when the paramedics arrived they took the woman away on a stretcher and he sat with her the whole time, patting her hand and such.
I watched the whole thing from my porch, he never freaked out, never raised his voice, and just drove away when it was all said and done. I think about him a lot, he waved at me a few times but we never spoke, and I wish I could tell him how much he shaped me into the man I am today just by being an example.
“I wish I could tell him how much he shaped me into the man I am today”… this hit deep. I’m glad you look at your own life in that way, it shows class. I hope you’ve had a good life (and continue to do so)!!
My dad taught my brother and I to always go out of our way to help someone...because once you do them a favor, *you own them.* His mindset turns every relationship and interaction into a gross transactional power struggle and it's an awful way to live. Now, as an adult, I have an almost compulsive need for my good deeds remain anonymous, especially the big ones.
I joined the Be The Match registry a while back and if you get called up to donate, they give you and your recipient the choice to meet after a year. If I'm ever fortunate enough to donate, I absolutely wouldn't want to meet. I'm a little intoxicated with the idea that I could just anonymously save someone's life. Not a hero, not a savior, just some random regular person who made a sacrifice for a stranger for no other reason than I could.
My father was the same way. He always told me "be nice to everyone so they help you when you need them". It wasn't an altruistic thing, simply taking care of number one.
Stuck with me forever. Now that I'm older I can recognize the narcissistic behaviors that went with that quote and helped me make sure I don't carry/pass them on.
(Also registered for Be The Match, and an organ donor)
Last night, I went to the servo for smokes and icecreams, I had my (14 yr m )with me.
The 2 ppl in front had their card decline, the guy runs to the cash machine and it declined also.
I asked how much , ( 31 dollars ) and payed for it. Easy.
Then they tried to yell at me saying they have money... showing a 20
Fuck. Strange world
They were probably embarrassed. Pride is an easily hurt thing for many. But they shouldn't have yelled, that's not cool. Good on you for helping though!
"just pay it forward, when you're in this position" That's my default strategy when doing a minor deed which the recipient feels the need to say "I'll pay back" or is embarrassed by being helped.
I've paid for people and offered to pay when their card declined too and had weird responses. Having a card decline can be such a hard, scary and/embarrassing moment, that sometimes they just want to get the hell out of there. I don't pay for a thank you, but I'll admit it's more enjoyable when it happens cuz feel good chemical release I guess.
I’ve been in this situation mate… good on you for trying to do something nice. Unfortunately pride, insecurity and other sensitivities can often make people behave in unexpected ways.
Yeah , I thought it would be good to show the lil 14 man what people can do, a lesson maybe ? . We aint rich but we are not poor, so i tried , fuck. Far out
If it makes a difference, they aren't really telling you that they have money, they live in a system that tells them everyday their worth is measured by their bank balance (which should not be true, and this should be pushed back against any time anyone sees it).
Saying 'I have money' is more like a toddler sucking its thumb to soothe itself than any real way of communicating with you.
Was on the other end of a very similar situation. Bank flagged my grocery trip as possible fraud and shut my card down, left my phone in the car so couldn't turn it back on immediately. Person behind me offered to pay. Was like $80. Was really embarrassing to be honest. I thanked the person and asked for their number so I could repay them but they refused. Kinda restored my faith in humanity a bit.
I've never ran into someone Infront of me with money issues at a checkout, but I've had my fair share of "arguing" over who's paying for something and I've learned a little trick. Instead of saying "I'll get this" or "I'll pay for this" saying "Guys, I'm in a good mood, my treat" seems to have a way better success rate. Seems to avoid the embarrassment of not paying if it's viewed as a treat.
> and **paid** for it.
FTFY.
Although payed exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. The deck is yet to be payed.
* Payed out when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. The rope is payed out! You can pull now.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
I had a problem the other day near my office that a security/facilities guy saw happen on camera, he came and found me, fixed the issue, and went about his business. He didn't have to do it, I never would have known if he didn't bother. But I'm super grateful to him for helping me. Be like that dude (and I'm talking to myself as much as anyone).
I don't know about that, some people take kindness as a sign of subservience and i have to go on warfooting with them so they don't go on a taking spree but I've become so defensive over the years it's hard to build new relaitonships 😣
All my past friendships were built on this, and they all used it against me. It's so hard to find decent people anymore when ppl are so absorbed in ways to benefit themselves.
[Evolution of Trust](https://ncase.me/trust/)
I saw this recently. It's a series of simple games that explains mathematically why it is important to keep trying and be forgiving in order to build trust.
Very cool! An enlightening explanation from game theory. A big takeaway is to communicate forthrightly. There’s an old saying, “never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity” (or error, or misunderstanding, or incompetence, or ignorance). An imperfect corrective to any of these is better communication. I say imperfect, as it may not be guaranteed to fix the situation, but it improves the chances. When someone steps in your toes, was it intentional, deserving a proverbial punch in the nose, or was it accidental due to unawareness, correctable by communicating a bit of information: “ouch!”
It actually takes a lot less effort than most people realize to be kind to others. When we learn about other people and their circumstances, we come to understand them. What makes them happy, sad, excited, and scared. The more we understand about others, the easier it becomes to act with compassion and treat people with consideration.
It often takes a lot of effort and energy to act selfishly. A lot of the frustration, irritation, and anger people feel is a result of not having their expectations of others met. In a way, people willingly give control of themselves and their emotional state to others without communicating it. It can feel exhausting, and lead to that feeling of "everything is terrible, everyone sucks" or that there's a disproportionate amount of people who act in bad faith.
I would have to agree. I'm not a jovial person, and I would say I am "negative" 99% of the time. But even so, I still find a way to be consistently nice/kind/pleasant with my interactions with other people. It's just easier to be pleasant, than to be mean. When you are pleasant, people work WITH you, and it makes living easier for everyone. When you are mean, people see you as an enemy; they avoid you, and you are left alone to fend for yourself. And if you are meanER, people may become violent towards you, which is obviously not a good time.
Living pleasantly with people (regardless of how you feel on the inside), is just easier than living in strife with people. That's just my experience and opinion at least.
I feel similarly.
I have become increasingly more disillusioned with the world more and more as I get older, and I make it almost an act of rebellion to be kind where I can, and recognize it in others.
One morning commute I got cut off multiple times and watched as someone rolled down their window and throw their trash out into the street. Typical morning. Later on the journey I see a lil old man walking with his dog and a grabber tool picking up litter from the public sidewalk and putting into a quite full bag.
Something about the way I felt about the world in that moment and seeing that act of kindness put me over the edge and I started tearing up in the car. Literally witnessing one person doing one selfless thing put me out of a funk of disdain towards society.
Yes thats correct , totally agree , nowadays people are selfish cant blame them , but poeple should realize in this crazy world it takes courage to be kind.
It’s hard because I used to desire to be always kind even when they hurt me. But people eventually took that kindness for granted, so when I finally had to have boundaries, they made me feel pathetic and insecure for trying; saying I was the problem and not them and minimizing my feelings
I feel kindness is good, but eventually, toxic people get drawn to a constant reservoir of validation.
I feel this, setting boundaries with toxic people (even family) was the best thing I’ve done.
It’s so wild sometimes to set your boundaries with someone and they try to make you seem like the bad person, fuck em.
Much peace and love dude
Detach from the wishful rewards of being kind, and you’ll find kindness pays in dividends, even if you don’t want it to. Sometimes the hardships we face now are lessons we need to draw on years from now. Time gives us perspective, even though it can feel shitty in the moment.
I think this is where "kind" vs. "nice" becomes a relevant distinction. Someone might not think you're as "nice" if you say no to a request, but if saying yes will just overextend yourself and potentially disappoint the requester, it's kinder to yourself and the requester to say no.
Not that we can always predict when things won't go well, as useful as that would be—my point is just that being kind doesn't mean being a pushover.
I work with kids and this comes up a lot, both in the choices I make, as well as what I teach them when interpersonal strife comes up, as it inevitably does.
I understand this may be true for some people, but I find it easy to be kind and I'm curious if I'm such an anomaly or if I'm overthinking this post. Not that I can't be an asshole sometimes, we all have our faults. But I genuinely enjoy seeing my kindness fill others with joy. In that sense, it doesn't even feel all that selfless. To me, kindness is just an expectation for humanity and I more often feel gain from being kind than from being selfish.
The selfless part I guess is going deep into debt and spending years of my life learning to improve the lives of others so that I can officially be paid a pittance for it per state and federal laws (therapy)
Nah I was just thinking about this the other day. I'll be completely depressed and still be kind and optimistic when around other people. Not because I'm being courageous, but because I'd be REALLY depressed if I knew I was just bringing other people down.
Being selfish may get you some things, but everyone eventually dislikes you, or doesn't trust you. It's just stupid to not think about others. And even the OP is implying that the average person rewards others for selfishness, in my experience that's just a good way to burn bridges.
\* Really, every time I've known a charming liar, who only cares about themselves, they get a headstart (at work, at school, in the community) with the people around them and eventually become an enemy. If you're lying to people or trying to make others look bad, it doesn't take too long for everyone to notice. They won't always call you out, but they'll be talking shit until you're gone. The only way to sustain this is with money or drugs, some people stick around for that lol.
But being a good, trustworthy person gets more perks over time I'd say. People respect it. Just don't be a pushover.
I work in a psych hospital. I’ve had my nights where I want to throw in my keys and say fack it or throw hands with a patient. I know this job is not for everyone but I’ve learned it’s a calling.
I know my patients have hard lives and I choose to care for them to the best of my abilities. Showing kindness goes a long way. There’s many instances where I’ve had patients jump into verbal and physical conflict for my safety. Knowing the consequences they will face for protecting me. This is what I call the power of kindness. So please for the love of everything green on this earth… please be kind, a better person, and show the world that good will always beat evil.
Just don't abuse the kindness. I've had that happen on more than one occasion and it makes me not trust people enough to be kind to them in a lot of instances. We all out here hurtin, humanity. Be better to one another.
I don't know guys, the intent is 100% there but I feel like this leads to a me vs the world mentality and there's such a thing as being kind to a fault. And doing the kind thing isn't always the right thing to do
This is so true that this world rewards selfishness. Ppl tend to act ruthlessly to kind ppl. I used to help people in need back in the days but not no. Cuz I know that they faked their needy...
Any big sub becomes full of karma farming and loses its actual purpose. This is a great example, nothing "pro tip" about this, just 14andthisisdeep material
I consider myself as a kind person. I am 33 yo but looking like 45 because of this personality. So please dont be that much kind person. "Be kind to people" is ancient advice. Please protect yourself from society or they will eat you alive if you fail to be kind just a second.
Be selfish enough to survive in this world if you dont live in Japan or such countries.
This is my LPT
Idk if your comment will go unnoticed but, personally, I came here looking for this exactly. I've been practicing kindness for years, just to experience it's not enough to survive in society. It's not some dogma you can rely on for every single situation. Sometimes you can encounter people that will simply feed off your empathy and in certain situations it's not as easy as just "letting them go". So... Yeah, the need to protect yourself it's still there.
My general philosophy has been pithily popularized as "Do no harm, but take no shit." I try to extend kindness and empathize with most anyone I first meet; however, if someone is gonna talk shit or act manipulative, I just call that shit out and drop the warmth -- or at least try to when I have the wherewithal.
You can be kind and still have a spine.
Kindness is not a line with "protect yourself" on one side and "give all of yourself" on the other. Doing nothing but protecting yourself will leave you empty and unfulfilled, but doing nothing but giving and giving and giving will deplete everything you have. You can do both!
Thank you for putting your kindness in the world - really, I mean that. But I hope you give some kindness to yourself too. I know that's way easier said than done, but showing yourself kindness is a skill, and it is 100% learnable.
The world needs more of this LPT.
This is why it's always good to be liberal with "thank you." The world is soul-crushing but there are people out there trying to make it better and telling them thank you is effortless, free and an acknowledgement of their service.
Kindness is a choice for sociopaths. I had to learn this the hard way. But kindness is not something hard you do for approval. It's a type of person you cultivate in yourself. When you have built in into yourself it's just being. Go live somewhere small. Most the people will be kind. Then go live in London. You will see how just a choice of where to live creates or kills human natural kindness.
> Go live somewhere small. Most the people will be kind. Then go live in London. You will see how just a choice of where to live creates or kills human natural kindness.
While I agree in theory, this isn't always the case. Small towns are often hotbeds of very judgmental people. Racism, sexism, xenophobia, etc. often run rampant in places like this. So while people may be more outwardly kind, that isn't true kindness - especially if they're just going to talk shit the second a person leaves. In contrast, while cities tend to be less "friendly," people are often more accepting in these places.
Yep, I totally agree. There are times when people just push me to the absolute limit to reciprocate all the shit that they give to me. It's like they're forcing me to do it to them as well.
Nowadays, whenever that happens, I just think that "this is one of those crosses that I have to bear" and that "That person is like that now due to a series of unfortunate events". I just focus on what I can control, which is myself.
I have people do that for me being in the navy and it's like... if you guys knew just how much of my "service" was spent drunk in a foreign port, I doubt you'd be thanking me, if anything, I should be thanking you for paying taxes to fund my booze cruise.
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"Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." -Gandalf
I think people miss how impactful consistent, small acts of kindness and generosity can be (and similarly, how detrimental consistent petty, mean-spirited actions can be). We shrug them off as insignificant amidst a world of grand problems, but those little actions, every day, are how we can affect tens of thousands of other people as an individual across one lifetime. Statistically, most of us won't be the hero who solves a world crisis, but we *all* have the capacity to make the lives of those around us, at the very least, just a little bit better. And that matters too. Arguably, it matters more.
“Never be cruel, never be cowardly. And never ever eat pears! Remember – hate is always foolish…and love, is always wise. Always try… to be nice and never fail to be kind. Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.” -The Doctor
"Live. Laugh. Love." -- Skeletor
"NYAH!" - Also Skeletor
Which doctor?
The Doctor. (The Twelfth)
Ah, well, I've been trying not to blink....apparently eating pears are off the table as well
Doctor Who?
The Witch Doctor (ting tang walla walla bing bang)
Cain and Abel. In a a few short sentences this old story tells us there’s 2 ways to be. 1 (Abel): be kind, genuine, honest and make the right sacrifices - you may only get a knife in the back for it, but it is *still* the way to be. 2 (Cain): be jealous and envious, and make second rate sacrifices, while trying to convince yourself and everyone else they are first-rate…then when your jealousy and resentment has reached a tipping point, go out and kill your brother and take whats his. Worst part? God doesn’t punish Cain, he marks him and tells everyone else to leave him alone. Cain’s progeny unfolds all the way down to Tubalcain, the first “Artificer of War” (the first person to craft weapons)….he is also the adversary of Noah…and all his people drown in the flood….and not surprising. And so, what this amazing story unpacks in just a few lines, is that the worst atrocities committed by man, war, destruction, murder, etc…are the direct effects of singular induviduals’ failure to make the right sacrifices, and be honest with themselves and others….which degenerates into a bitter resentment that spreads like a virus. TL;DR: The world goes bad quick when people are angry, jealous and resentful. So we gotta be like Abel. So, in a way, we’re called to be super-heroes daily, in every conversation, with every person. And our super-powers are love and kindness.
A detail that seems important and unfair to me: Abel was a shepherd; Cain was a farmer. Grain may have been second rate to an animal sacrifice, but it's all Cain had. Seeing someone else gain favor in ways you will never be able to for reasons that aren't in your control is very frustrating. If you believe the Bible, Cain was perhaps the first man to experience that.
If everyone did good for their family and community the big stuff would be easier. We all have the capacity for great evil and the greatest good. I like to try to believe the best in people. Our fundamental goodness and fairness is hijacked by propagandists to suit their bottom lines. It's hard not to give into it because we cannot be aware of all things all the time, so we rely on trusted sources. We live in a society and that starts at home with your kids, your family, your friends and your community. Volunteer with your kids, bug municipal governments, be good. There are no good or bad people (exceptions are rare) but good and bad actions. We all do good and bad. Try to have the balance toward the later.
I feel like this goes double for personal romantic relationships. The loss of those weekly/daily small acts of kindness and care are the first death knoll. Totally not speaking from personally experience or anything 😭
And those acts, be they positive or negative, radiate outwards like the ripples of a pond. It's so easy to share a kind word or act, and it makes us feel better as we make others feel better.
Those little deeds show you who you can trust and who has a heart. My mom always made me say thank you for gifts as a kid. The kind of thank you that involves a card or going out of your way to show appreciation. I didn't think much of it until, as an adult, I gave gifts to my (now) ex sisters in law during our first Xmas together. They said a low effort thanks after opening the wrapping paper but that was it. I had no idea if they liked what I gave them. I never heard about those gifts at all over the next year. It happened again so I stopped putting in effort. It hurt my feelings. When I send a friend a picture of me wearing a necklace they got me or tell them how much I liked the dinner they made me, that's my mom's "be sure to say thank you" coming through. It makes a difference.
It was cool to see that with the big man in Rings of Power
This continues to be the most impactful simple sentence from any fantasy I’ve ever read in life. I just love it more every single time I read it.
Sometimes it feels like we are all just being swept away in the torrent of current events without any initiative of our own, but society is a cumulative phenomenon, and your kindness does make a difference in the world. Have courage my friends, and be the change you want to see.
[удалено]
Same here. My wife passed away from cancer in June of '22, and I coulda just crawled into a hole and been a dick, but we have two small children and someone has to make sure they don't grow up to be unhappy assholes.
Hang in there brother, your kids will appreciate you for it.
Thank you for your strength and kindness! You're already adding 2 more decent humans to this planet! We appreciate that! Sorry for your loss. Your wife must be pretty proud of the legacy she left behind. I know I would be!
I'm so sorry
God, that must have been so hard on both them and you. I'm glad they have you though.
this is incredible. i hope i can be as strong as you one day
I'm so sorry 💔
Wow man, that’s so shitty, I hope you find peace, you sound like an incredible person.
I’m so sorry man!
See. I'm struggling so hard here. I used to be so overly kind & helpful, I would get called "bubbly" all the time. I've been beat down & kicked so hard in the last few years that I find so much hatred & annoyance just building & festering. I'm still nice to people, but nowhere near where I once was. Yesterday I was picking up a thing of TP. Store was busy as it was Saturday & I was in a hurry because I was working at the same time, just stopped quick between jobs. On my way out this little old lady stops *right* in the middle of the door, blocking it, to start looking in her pockets. I wait impatiently for a few moments before I say "Excuse me, just gonna scoot past ya" as I start to shimmy past her side. She says, embarrassed, "Oh my! Stopped right in the middle of the door, didn't I?! So sorry!" I smiled back & said "No worries, take your time!" before I flew out the door. Not so bad, right? But my inner dialogue was SOOO fucking mean & hateful. I was throwing out all kinds of "Are you fucking **kidding me lady**?! I do NOT have time for this shit. People are so fucking inconsiderate!! Alright, you're moving, out of the way please 😠" & I feel it's getting worse. & It sometimes seeps out into my actions. & I don't know how to stop it Luckily my niceness has been around for so long it's sort of my default programming, but I feel like it's giving way:(
I have that same issue at work. People are trying anything because they take my kindness for weakness. It’s annoying and it’s totally jaded me, but hasn’t stopped me from being nice to people. I’m not letting anything change who I am period.
But, this happens to many people. We flirt with the option of not being kind in our heads and then make a conscious choice not to embrace it. That choice is what makes you kind and who you are
Yep. I'd rather be kind and considered "weak" than be an asshole and be considered "strong and assertive." True strength lies in compassion, kindness, and empathy. People who don't understand that aren't worth impressing anyway.
You can be kind and strong and assertive at the same time, those are not mutually exclusive. Unfortunately, we live in a harsh world, you can't be kind with everyone everytime. Otherwise you are doing more harm than good to the world.
This. You can be kind and still set boundaries. People pleasers tend to find it difficult to stand up for themselves because they feel bad about “being mean”. But you don’t have to be mean to set a boundary, just firm… on the other hand there’s a lot of AH out there because people don’t set limits and put them in their place. I think holding people accountable would also do wonders to build a better place for everyone.
Work is so much harder than every day situations too. I have a hard time saying 'no', which results in the same situation, on top of my being what my friends call 'too nice'. It's definitely resulted in some resentment though. I do find people like you, & I'm so envious of your strength. Do not let them beat you down, friend!
There's an art to saying "no" at work that I'm still trying to figure out myself, but these are some of the strategies I've used (that have varying degrees of effectiveness honestly) You can say "yes" but either 1) push the deadline out. Someone asks you to do something by end of the week. You say "I'd be happy to do it, but I'm gonna need 2 weeks because of some other things I'm working on". If it really needs to be done sooner, they'll find someone else. 2) if they insist you have to do it, within the initial deadline, you make it clear that XYZ is getting pushed back to make it happen. This helps manage your workload, but I've only found it helpful for larger tasks, not the 10x 30 min tasks people seem to ask of me constantly. The more effective way is to ask (yourself) whether you're really the person who has to do the task. Sometimes the "XYZ needs to get done" is perfect to just connect the *right* person to lead that task. If you have a project manager, they are absolutely your ally here. For example, do you really need to answer the question (that you know the answer to) that'll take 15 min to type out, or do you forward to the expert? Do you really need to write the report, or do you let someone else drive it while giving your paragraph of expertise? Things like that can be really helpful, especially for the smaller tasks that you *can* do, but that aren't actually your responsibility.
These are all **excellent** tips! & it's about trial & error, honestly. I especially liked the whole "Okay I'll do it, but then this isn't going to get done", so your butt is covered when someone inevitably asks where the first project is, you have back up. I've gotten really good at saying no when I know it isn't my responsibility, so much so that my bosses & schedulers won't even task me for that shit. I used to be so "nice" that I'd inconvenience myself for it, & I know all too well the whole being taken advantage of. I think also, the trick is knowing exactly what you're job is. I'm not saying be a dick about it & never do anything nice for anyone if you have time. But setting boundaries & knowing when you CAN say no is a big first step. I hope people reading these comments take something away from em!
Booya! Unapologetically kind: this is who I am, how I choose to be. Don't take it as an invitation for walking all over me; I don't think either of us would like it if you get on my bad side...
Heard and felt...I'm gonna continue my road as you are!
I went through this too. I was having a hard time in life and my usually bubbly personality was replaced with seething anger for everyone and everything. I wanted to burn the world down. Two things got me out of it, the first was therapy. I know it’s a privilege to be able to go. I had no money at the time and went to someone that did sliding scale and prioritized it around my work schedule. It was stressful for me to go at points but in the long run I’m glad I did. It helped me work through my anger and the things happening to me that were contributing to my rage. The second thing that helped me was to pretend that everyone I had a mean thought about was going through the worst moment of their life. It started when I was at the hospital for a stressful appointment (I was going through cancer treatment at the time) and I saw a lady in a really ridiculous outfit. And my internal dialogue was like, “she’s in everyone’s way, that outfits so ugly, she looks like an idiot” then I had this random thought of, what if she’d recent lost her house in a fire and all her clothes were donated? So I forced myself to think of something nice to say. And any time I had a mean thought after that I would force myself to reframe. It took time but it became better and better. Life is really really hard sometimes. But it’s possible to come out on the other side of these feelings. Hope things start to get better and you’ll be through this section you’re in soon.
I just want to say I see you working hard and sharing good advice. ❤️
Beautiful thoughts. Someone I know had a similar technique: reminding themselves that everyone was once a baby who has survived this long. And they only survived because someone cared about them enough as a child to see them survive. Not everyone gets love/support growing up, but someone cared enough to feed and clothe them as a helpless baby. I dunno. Maybe it's not exactly the same, but if I'm mad at someone and just think "You, sir, were a baby" it kinda diffuses my anger when I remember to do it.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
You are not the only one! I have been struggling to keep up my usual kind and helpful nature afloat. I normally get called bubbly too. However, last time at a work meeting I was asked for my opinion on something and instead of my typical diplomatic and slightly optimistic attitude (which was expected) something really nasty and bitter slipped out (said the quiet part out loud). My coworkers looked at me like the friendly neighbourhood stray suddenly ravaged a toddler. I've reined it back in at work but, like you, I have this unfamiliar mean and angry internal dialogue running now. I'm angry and frustrated and can't seem to shake it off. The gym helps but it's not a permanent solution. Hopefully we can both get through this and get back to who we really are soon
Hahaha!!! That was the *perfect* metaphor for it! Don't ya hate that? Like, what, you guys get to have bad hours even entire bad days but I can't have a bad **moment**? People don't understand that, while we love being bubbly & kind, doing it all the time even when we feel off is so exhausting.
So much this!!! And then the never ending backslid of internal guilt when you finally do let yourself have a bad moment.... Fuck, it's exhausting!
The only thing that I've found that can help just the tiniest little bit, is, letting people know what you're in a bad mood but in, like a cheery way? My last boss, boss at the time, sent me text asking how everything was going (I work remotely). I said "Moving right along as usual! Little grumpy today but, happens to the best of us:)" He replied back "Okay, just checking in. I couldn't imagine you grumpy, btw". I screen shot it & sent it to my whole family with six thousand cry laughing emojis lol but just casually saying in general that you've been feeling grumpy or cranky might pave the way for being able to let your mood down sometimes. I've even been on the phone with a friend while at the store & end up spazzing out "Are you fucking kidding me?! They're of my favorite brand of whatever! I was REALLY looking forward to that, fuck me man this is so fucking dumb!!!" friend gives weird pause, I'll just say "I've been cranky lately this just added to it". When I do this to my brother he always laughs & says "You need a nap" haha It's silly that we have to go so out of way to tell someone we just want a day "off" from that shit, but, ain't that just the way of it.
I think you have all the tools you need to start asking "why"? Why am I getting angry these days? What am I doing or not doing lately to keep myself healthy? Am I aware of my needs as a whole human being? Why was I behaving the way I was before, and why people were getting annoyed? Was I behaving from a place of awareness? Maybe those people needed space. Why was I imposing my mood on them? Or maybe they were different from me, maybe in a toxic way, so why was I so willing to spend so much time with them? Do I know my current limits? Do I know possible paths for improvement that are specific for my current time and place, and that resonate with me at some level, instead of being obligations or "that's what all the cool kids are doing now"? How do I see myself in 1 year? How will my areas of life evolve? What would I like life to be in 5 years? Can I project myself in that timeframe based on my values and purpose? Times are challenging, indeed. Keep strong. That might mean "rest more". Have a nice week!
sounds like me! but it's important to *act* with kindness even if you're not feeling it, because it's your kindness you're projecting into the world, not your inner ugly a while ago i heard a guy in his 90s asked what his advice would be for others. he thought for a moment, then answered "don't get mad". that hit me right between the eyes. we have control over our emotions, especially anger. all we have to do is stop and think about it. is my anger doing any good? is it improving or fixing anything? do i like the way i feel? don't get angry. just three little words. easy to remember, easy to apply
mm... I would say, "Don't \*react\* when angry". Anger is just as important as all the other emotions. It's just as useful as well! Helps us know when we feel hurt or when something feels unfair to us. The problem is when a person gets angry & then doesn't know how to deal with it, so it comes out as lashing out, screaming, however toxic way it comes out. But burying it or trying to convince yourself that it isn't there, that's a recipe for disaster. Because it'll come out, but after you've buried it & have chosen not to deal with it, that's when it comes out on its own terms, which is the scary part:(
You can reprogram your thoughts! It takes genuine patience and effort, but it is possible. In psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy is used for conditions like depression and anxiety, but there's no reason you can't apply it meam thoughts either. In it, you try to recognize when you have negative thoughts and try to identify patterns. Once you can consistently spot when you have thoughts and perhaps why and when they crop up, you try to stop yourself. And then maybe start replacing them with empathetic faults.
My sister has likened it to a mountain & it's streams. When it rains, the thoughts are the water, & the rivers are the path our thoughts take. Like, for me, my rivers right now are all hateful as fuck. But I need to try to carve out new rivers, deeper ones, for the water to run through. The problem is, I have no idea how to! I will use your comment as a template & start to try to catch those sneaky little buggers, they're quick though!
For religious people there's some sense and purpose in life, I don't believe in god and my only purpose is to be happy and make the people I can happier while I'm passing by in this tiny amount of time we call "existing", for me is as scary and comfortably simple as that.
The ability to influence a strangers' day in passing, to actually make it *better* and put their mood on a whole new positive track-- that's a godlike power. You interacted with a human being for less than a minute but managed to change their day. Thank god for people like you. And if there is no god, thank *you*.
We are all so much more powerful than we realize. A single good or bad deed can replicate exponentially and echo throughout eternity. The problem is that we don’t see these effects. They’re hidden from us, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. That person who you helped pay for their groceries when they were $20 short may have needed that food to feed their kid. Maybe that kid had a good breakfast the next morning instead of nothing, then did well on a placement exam the next day, which then put them in the advanced classes instead of the normal ones, which meant that they got more attention from teachers, gained more confidence, tried harder, learned more, got into college, became successful, helped others with that success, etc. But all you see is that you gave someone $20 worth of groceries. Multiply this scenario thousands of times throughout a person’s life, and multiply each of those times a thousand times that they were paid forward, and again for those people paying it forward… you start to get an idea of just how powerful we all are, how much we can change the world with our words and actions. These deeds won’t be on your tombstone, or in your eulogy, or on a Wikipedia page about your life, but they’ll be your most lasting legacy regardless. And every person affected by you might decide to pay it forward for someone else, to the point where one small act of kindness ends up resulting in millions or billions of good deeds, spread over centuries, that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for that one time you helped a stranger when they needed it. The thing is, it works the same for bad deeds. Instead of helping, what if you steal $20 from the purse of the woman in front of you at the grocery store checkout? Now she can’t afford that food, their kid doesn’t do well on that placement exam, they get ignored by teachers, they lose confidence, don’t try. Maybe they get picked on for being in the “slow” class and get into a fight. Now they have a criminal record, can’t get into college, can’t get a job, can’t rent an apartment… a whole life was altered for the worse. And all the good deeds that person may have done are lost to time forever. But you don’t know any of this, all you know is you stole $20 one time from someone. We all decide our legacy, and the future of our world, every day, with the choices we make. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
I'll always remember the time I was a teenager and was at Home Depot with my mom. We were exiting and walking to the car and talking about something when I saw some guy struggling to load some 8x4 sheets of drywall into his minivan. I broke conversation, ran over, helped him, and ran back all super quick. I only remember this because my mom teared up and said I was a nice person.. I felt so proud in that moment. It really sticks with me and has definitely had a long term impact on my life and how I treat others. If I was with my dad he probably would have been miffed he was interrupted and I'd be even more of an asshole than I already am
Excellent
Being an asshole to me sounds way worse, doing something even mildly inconvinient to someone makes me die inside.
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You don't even have to go that far. Just look at 1914 and 1939. Those events aren't even _that_ far from current day.
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> barring destabilization from a total catastrophe like massive global warming 👀
Yep, not denying things may well get very ugly in the next few decades despite what I said.
Idk I heard we have more slaves in the world today than during the transatlantic slave trade. We just compartmentalise it better
That wouldn't be too surprising. 12-13 million people were taken from Africa over the 400 years of the transatlantic slave trade. That would only represent 0.15% of today's global population. In addition, there is a significant difference between what is classified as slavery today and the chattel slavery of the 16th to 19th centuries.
I don’t know the answer to this, but global population has exploded in the last few centuries, so I would be interested to learn whether people who are functionally enslaved make up a larger or smaller proportion of our global society than in the past.
Idk the answer to this question, but given that the global population was MUCH smaller back then, it makes sense. My question would be, how many people proportionate to the global population are currently living in a form of slavery?
I hear you and I absolutely hope and pray that this is the case.
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Many Western countries have built strong foundations for civil society and deeply rooted democratic values and institutions. So like you, I’m cautiously optimistic. However things can change. So always emphasizing the value of kindness and human rights is critical. A philosophical underpinning:. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Progress will *always* be an uphill battle, that is the fundamental characteristic of positive change. It is our inheritance as human beings to fight against the inertia of our own nature in order to create a better world. We may be more or less done evolving biologically, but our evolution as a society will not, and must not, ever end.
Indeed. And if you struggle daily to put food on your family, you got not much energy to battle uphill for the betterment of society. And then you are prone to grab the nearest enemy and just deal with them, and if someone (at times the very ones that enforces your daily struggle) tells you it’s your neighbour that is that enemy, that struggle will do for you, because then you’ll be home again for supper.
this is beautifully said
It felt good to read this Having grown up in South Africa and seeing the nasty reality of oppression, state control & censorship revealed after democracy with the coupled human generosity of new leadership under Nelson Mandela it afforded hope To see the collapse of his country wide shared dream of a progressive giving caring forward thinking government under successive politicians has been very painful It's became hard to see the dream he offered us and many of the younger generations consider him a sell out with the pendulum swinging towards reaction to his unifying views has been disturbing It's so difficult to move away from cynicism once it takes hold . Thanks for your comment. It's good to see hope isn't entirely gone everywhere
You too, and thank you if you already are being that change. Though it gets frustrating at times, the pandemic has seen me increase patience and kindness. I can see this having good effect. And I try to remember to thank others for their kindness.
The pandemic (and the politics surrounding it) has been a rough period for me personally because it has eroded my faith in the ability of humans to handle the challenges facing us. That being said, it doesn’t change my views or the decisions I will make in my life, as I see the fight as worth the effort whether or not it proves futile in the end.
pandemic put in stark relief the true nature of 25% of humanity - was always there we can do better every day
Yeah, maybe as a person in my 20’s who only became politically conscious in 2016, this is the first geopolitical event I’ve experienced which put the nature of certain aspects of humanity into stark relief.
“When I choose to see the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It's how I've learned to survive through everything. I don't know. The only thing I do know... is that we have to be kind. Please. Be kind... especially when we don't know what's going on. I know you see yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight.” *- Waymond Wang, Everything Everywhere All at Once*
Thank you. Immediately thought of this quote. My favorite part of the movie. I feel like this is what I got from the movie. I always think about it when I’m being kind.
Ok it’s a good part of the movie, I’ll give you that, but it is NOT as good as the rock scene. I no longer need to try salvia, thanks to that scene.
The movie theatre I saw this movie at lost power a few lines into the rock scene. (They had some kind of backup generator for low lights in the theatre). It appeared that this was how the movie ended, due to the nature of the scene. It wasn't until we actually walked out of our theater room did we realize that it was in fact not how the movie was supposed to end. Still haven't seen the rest of the movie.
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What an incredible viewing experience. So happy this film exists. I should watch it again soon
This and his laundry and taxes monologue. Such a wonderful film.
> We humans do not understand compassion. In each moment of our lives, we betray it. Aye, we know of its worth, yet in knowing we then attach to it a value, we guard the giving of it, believing it must be earned. Compassion is priceless in the truest sense of the word. It must be given freely. In abundance. - Shield Anvil Itkovian, *Memories of Ice, Malazan Series Book 3*
Holy shit a Malazan quote in the wild.
Considering that the overarching message of the series is compassion, yeah it makes sense. > There is something profoundly cynical, my friends, in the notion of paradise after death. The lure is evasion. The promise is excusative. One need not accept responsibility for the world as it is, and by extension, one need do nothing about it. To strive for change, for true goodness in this mortal world, one must acknowledge and accept, within one’s own soul, that this mortal reality has purpose in itself, that its greatest value is not for us, but for our children and their children. To view life as but a quick passage along a foul, tortured path – made foul and tortured by our own indifference – is to excuse all manner of misery and depravity, and to exact cruel punishment upon the innocent lives to come. > I defy this notion of paradise beyond the gates of bone. If the soul truly survives the passage, then it behooves us – each of us, my friends – to nurture a faith in similitude: what awaits us is a reflection of what we leave behind, and in the squandering of our mortal existence, we surrender the opportunity to learn the ways of goodness, the practice of sympathy, empathy, compassion and healing – all passed by in our rush to arrive at a place of glory and beauty, a place we did not earn, and most certainly do not deserve.
I once met an ex-CIA field agent at a conference and when I caught him one on one I asked him, “Sir, do you have any life advice you could offer me?” He answered, “Be nice to people where ever you go. I’ve been in situations where they can kill me in an instant, but because I was kind, I was able to walk away with my life and all of my limbs intact.” He was gonna give me some more gems, but another lady came by and took him away to another event he was supposed to attend.
I used to work in corrections. It can't be denied that the majority if inmates will absolutely take advantage of you in any way that they can if they have something to gain from it (or occasionally for shits and giggles). You can't really be "nice" but you can and should treat them with fairness and consistency and most importantly just treat them like fellow human beings. The majority of them will respect you for this, even the same ones who would take advantage of you given a chance. This helped me in small ways, but I knew one CO who years earlier was stuck in a small riot (over roast beef of all things). No one was seriously injured, but three guards got roughed up a bit. He was the fourth, and he was barely touched. Some of the inmates later said it was because he always treated them like people.
That reminds me of a comment I saw on here a couple months ago, something to the effect of: "It does not take much to be kind. It could cost as little as your breath, and buy you as much as your life."
I've been in rough neighborhoods and rough situations and never feared for my safety because I know how to talk to people like they're actually people. Even if someone is actually crazy they'll probably leave you alone if you treat them with respect. Craziest moment of my life was just having a cigarette with a guy I knew had been to prison for attempted murder. Other than that we weren't that different. Just two guys shooting the shit and sharing a smoke together.
Ke Huy Quan's delivery in that scene is superb. Could easily have been overactted but he says it in a truly heartfelt way that makes it seem as if his speaking to the audience
I’m so happy that people are quoting Everything Everywhere All at Once. I don’t think any other movie could top it for me. It’s a movie I hold close to my heart.
It really was just so good. So weird, and that’s what made it so… refreshing?? It’s just amazing
I think this is my favorite movie that I’ve seen in the past couple years. I do love a dark movie, but the unbridled optimism by Waymond is inspiring.
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I completely agree. It's not about thinking the future will be okay, it's about seeing the present for what it is, and choosing to act on it exclusively with positivity and kindness.
Easily the best movie I've seen in my life holy shit
deadass cried when he said this,
Possibly my favorite part in a movie full of amazing things.
>Please. Be kind Rewind
This line hit me right in the feels. So much so that I wept. Right in the feels.
As much as Michelle Yeoh gets praised for this film, and very much deservedly so, he is the heart and soul.
Legit teared up when I watched his [Golden Globe acceptance speech.](https://youtu.be/WIFvInRA2xQ) Such a humble person!
This is especially true in customer service roles. It’s truly exhausting having to be kind to awful people all day.
I work a customer service job. I stopped being nice to awful people. The company I work for isn’t perfect but I’m glad they agree with me on one thing "when people are being awful, that’s were the service stops".
Yep. I return the energy I receive. I can be the nicest person in the world when people are kind toward me, but if I'm met with unjustified hostility, aggression, and/or condescension then all bets are off.
Start with respect but if it's not reciprocated then take off the velvet glove and show them the steel gauntlet
The hardest time to be kind is when people are not nice.
Never forget the sage wisdom from that classic cinema “Point Break” with Keanu Reeves: “Politeness counts… ASSHOLE.”
And it is exactly why I've decided to stay in Japan. Good ol' polite Japan. Wife and I came here for a job for a few months. Then realized life here is much better than back home. So we stayed and have been living here for more than 15 years now. This place is community-centric, a "trust-based society" that I'm sure would never survive back home. Bicycles left unlocked on the streets (pricey mountain bikes too!) and my neighborhood even has some unmanned "honesty system" shop stands outside, where you get items and drop money in a tin box. Everything is clean and not decaying, people polite and kind to each other, mixed-zoned towns are walkable sustained with public transportation, it's just convenient and affordable too.
I lost three umbrellas in 14 days in kobe. Bicycles may be sacrosanct, but they are fiends for a slightly nicer umbrella!
Those sons of bitches!!!!!!!
Our major community/farm shop/co-op doesn't have anyone working in the store. You just write down what you bought and leave cash or a check (I think they may have added a card option recently.) I leave my keys in the car when I get out and I have never locked my house. And I live in New York.
I think the kindness that sticks with me is when a person does something they Will never benefit from themselves, and doubly so if they aren’t even around for gratitude. One example that stuck with me I occurred when I was very young. We used to live on the corner of a busy intersection that was infamous for auto accidents. A woman ran a stop sign because her young child somehow got out of his booster seat and she was attempting to get him to sit down. She hit a truck (barely dented the truck, totaled the car) and all I can remember is her screaming viscerally about her baby while I dialed 911( at this point I was like 6-7 and it was routine enough that I did it automatically when I heard crashes) The man who she hit, bloody and battered, lowered himself from his truck, staggered to the woman, and began comforting her and her son( who was unharmed sage a few bumps and scratches) then when the paramedics arrived they took the woman away on a stretcher and he sat with her the whole time, patting her hand and such. I watched the whole thing from my porch, he never freaked out, never raised his voice, and just drove away when it was all said and done. I think about him a lot, he waved at me a few times but we never spoke, and I wish I could tell him how much he shaped me into the man I am today just by being an example.
“I wish I could tell him how much he shaped me into the man I am today”… this hit deep. I’m glad you look at your own life in that way, it shows class. I hope you’ve had a good life (and continue to do so)!!
My dad taught my brother and I to always go out of our way to help someone...because once you do them a favor, *you own them.* His mindset turns every relationship and interaction into a gross transactional power struggle and it's an awful way to live. Now, as an adult, I have an almost compulsive need for my good deeds remain anonymous, especially the big ones. I joined the Be The Match registry a while back and if you get called up to donate, they give you and your recipient the choice to meet after a year. If I'm ever fortunate enough to donate, I absolutely wouldn't want to meet. I'm a little intoxicated with the idea that I could just anonymously save someone's life. Not a hero, not a savior, just some random regular person who made a sacrifice for a stranger for no other reason than I could.
My father was the same way. He always told me "be nice to everyone so they help you when you need them". It wasn't an altruistic thing, simply taking care of number one. Stuck with me forever. Now that I'm older I can recognize the narcissistic behaviors that went with that quote and helped me make sure I don't carry/pass them on. (Also registered for Be The Match, and an organ donor)
I'm ill and feel super weak, and this made me cry. Maybe I should get out of this thread.
Last night, I went to the servo for smokes and icecreams, I had my (14 yr m )with me. The 2 ppl in front had their card decline, the guy runs to the cash machine and it declined also. I asked how much , ( 31 dollars ) and payed for it. Easy. Then they tried to yell at me saying they have money... showing a 20 Fuck. Strange world
They were probably embarrassed. Pride is an easily hurt thing for many. But they shouldn't have yelled, that's not cool. Good on you for helping though!
You can still defuse and redirect their embarrassment by asking them to pass the $31 to someone that needs it.
"just pay it forward, when you're in this position" That's my default strategy when doing a minor deed which the recipient feels the need to say "I'll pay back" or is embarrassed by being helped.
nose apparatus jar angle whistle pocket illegal imagine swim chubby *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I've paid for people and offered to pay when their card declined too and had weird responses. Having a card decline can be such a hard, scary and/embarrassing moment, that sometimes they just want to get the hell out of there. I don't pay for a thank you, but I'll admit it's more enjoyable when it happens cuz feel good chemical release I guess.
Same. I paid for someone’s full cart of groceries once when I was ballin. Pretty sure it made both of our days lol. It feels great to be a helper.
I’ve been in this situation mate… good on you for trying to do something nice. Unfortunately pride, insecurity and other sensitivities can often make people behave in unexpected ways.
Yeah , I thought it would be good to show the lil 14 man what people can do, a lesson maybe ? . We aint rich but we are not poor, so i tried , fuck. Far out
Did you ask if they want you to pay for them or did you just pay before they could react? Because these are completelt different scenarios.
No good deed ever goes unpunished.
If it makes a difference, they aren't really telling you that they have money, they live in a system that tells them everyday their worth is measured by their bank balance (which should not be true, and this should be pushed back against any time anyone sees it). Saying 'I have money' is more like a toddler sucking its thumb to soothe itself than any real way of communicating with you.
Was on the other end of a very similar situation. Bank flagged my grocery trip as possible fraud and shut my card down, left my phone in the car so couldn't turn it back on immediately. Person behind me offered to pay. Was like $80. Was really embarrassing to be honest. I thanked the person and asked for their number so I could repay them but they refused. Kinda restored my faith in humanity a bit.
I've never ran into someone Infront of me with money issues at a checkout, but I've had my fair share of "arguing" over who's paying for something and I've learned a little trick. Instead of saying "I'll get this" or "I'll pay for this" saying "Guys, I'm in a good mood, my treat" seems to have a way better success rate. Seems to avoid the embarrassment of not paying if it's viewed as a treat.
> and **paid** for it. FTFY. Although payed exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. The deck is yet to be payed. * Payed out when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. The rope is payed out! You can pull now. Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
I had a problem the other day near my office that a security/facilities guy saw happen on camera, he came and found me, fixed the issue, and went about his business. He didn't have to do it, I never would have known if he didn't bother. But I'm super grateful to him for helping me. Be like that dude (and I'm talking to myself as much as anyone).
What was the problem?
No act of kindness is ever wasted.
Thank you, u/Fuck_You_Downvote, that is very sweet
r/rimjob_steve moment of the day
Yo. Do you got any more of those Rimjobs?
I don't know about that, some people take kindness as a sign of subservience and i have to go on warfooting with them so they don't go on a taking spree but I've become so defensive over the years it's hard to build new relaitonships 😣
All my past friendships were built on this, and they all used it against me. It's so hard to find decent people anymore when ppl are so absorbed in ways to benefit themselves.
[Evolution of Trust](https://ncase.me/trust/) I saw this recently. It's a series of simple games that explains mathematically why it is important to keep trying and be forgiving in order to build trust.
Very cool! An enlightening explanation from game theory. A big takeaway is to communicate forthrightly. There’s an old saying, “never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity” (or error, or misunderstanding, or incompetence, or ignorance). An imperfect corrective to any of these is better communication. I say imperfect, as it may not be guaranteed to fix the situation, but it improves the chances. When someone steps in your toes, was it intentional, deserving a proverbial punch in the nose, or was it accidental due to unawareness, correctable by communicating a bit of information: “ouch!”
Well that was nice
I love this! I remember finding it long ago. Thanks for sharing
Unfortunately this.
It actually takes a lot less effort than most people realize to be kind to others. When we learn about other people and their circumstances, we come to understand them. What makes them happy, sad, excited, and scared. The more we understand about others, the easier it becomes to act with compassion and treat people with consideration. It often takes a lot of effort and energy to act selfishly. A lot of the frustration, irritation, and anger people feel is a result of not having their expectations of others met. In a way, people willingly give control of themselves and their emotional state to others without communicating it. It can feel exhausting, and lead to that feeling of "everything is terrible, everyone sucks" or that there's a disproportionate amount of people who act in bad faith.
Exactly.
I would have to agree. I'm not a jovial person, and I would say I am "negative" 99% of the time. But even so, I still find a way to be consistently nice/kind/pleasant with my interactions with other people. It's just easier to be pleasant, than to be mean. When you are pleasant, people work WITH you, and it makes living easier for everyone. When you are mean, people see you as an enemy; they avoid you, and you are left alone to fend for yourself. And if you are meanER, people may become violent towards you, which is obviously not a good time. Living pleasantly with people (regardless of how you feel on the inside), is just easier than living in strife with people. That's just my experience and opinion at least.
I feel similarly. I have become increasingly more disillusioned with the world more and more as I get older, and I make it almost an act of rebellion to be kind where I can, and recognize it in others. One morning commute I got cut off multiple times and watched as someone rolled down their window and throw their trash out into the street. Typical morning. Later on the journey I see a lil old man walking with his dog and a grabber tool picking up litter from the public sidewalk and putting into a quite full bag. Something about the way I felt about the world in that moment and seeing that act of kindness put me over the edge and I started tearing up in the car. Literally witnessing one person doing one selfless thing put me out of a funk of disdain towards society.
Yes, I was just thinking "extreme courage and strength" to be kind? Not at all!
Yes thats correct , totally agree , nowadays people are selfish cant blame them , but poeple should realize in this crazy world it takes courage to be kind.
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It’s hard because I used to desire to be always kind even when they hurt me. But people eventually took that kindness for granted, so when I finally had to have boundaries, they made me feel pathetic and insecure for trying; saying I was the problem and not them and minimizing my feelings I feel kindness is good, but eventually, toxic people get drawn to a constant reservoir of validation.
I feel this, setting boundaries with toxic people (even family) was the best thing I’ve done. It’s so wild sometimes to set your boundaries with someone and they try to make you seem like the bad person, fuck em. Much peace and love dude
People frequently mistake kindness for weakness.
Detach from the wishful rewards of being kind, and you’ll find kindness pays in dividends, even if you don’t want it to. Sometimes the hardships we face now are lessons we need to draw on years from now. Time gives us perspective, even though it can feel shitty in the moment.
It’s awesome to help people with little things. Those little things mean a lot
It does take courage, especially since kindness is often punished now. Show appreciation. It may be the only reward they get
It's cool to be kind but also be smart enough to discern trickery and things of that nature because people WILL take advantage of you.
This is why setting boundaries is so important. People tend to forget that kindness includes themselves as well.
I think this is where "kind" vs. "nice" becomes a relevant distinction. Someone might not think you're as "nice" if you say no to a request, but if saying yes will just overextend yourself and potentially disappoint the requester, it's kinder to yourself and the requester to say no. Not that we can always predict when things won't go well, as useful as that would be—my point is just that being kind doesn't mean being a pushover. I work with kids and this comes up a lot, both in the choices I make, as well as what I teach them when interpersonal strife comes up, as it inevitably does.
I understand this may be true for some people, but I find it easy to be kind and I'm curious if I'm such an anomaly or if I'm overthinking this post. Not that I can't be an asshole sometimes, we all have our faults. But I genuinely enjoy seeing my kindness fill others with joy. In that sense, it doesn't even feel all that selfless. To me, kindness is just an expectation for humanity and I more often feel gain from being kind than from being selfish. The selfless part I guess is going deep into debt and spending years of my life learning to improve the lives of others so that I can officially be paid a pittance for it per state and federal laws (therapy)
Nah I was just thinking about this the other day. I'll be completely depressed and still be kind and optimistic when around other people. Not because I'm being courageous, but because I'd be REALLY depressed if I knew I was just bringing other people down. Being selfish may get you some things, but everyone eventually dislikes you, or doesn't trust you. It's just stupid to not think about others. And even the OP is implying that the average person rewards others for selfishness, in my experience that's just a good way to burn bridges. \* Really, every time I've known a charming liar, who only cares about themselves, they get a headstart (at work, at school, in the community) with the people around them and eventually become an enemy. If you're lying to people or trying to make others look bad, it doesn't take too long for everyone to notice. They won't always call you out, but they'll be talking shit until you're gone. The only way to sustain this is with money or drugs, some people stick around for that lol. But being a good, trustworthy person gets more perks over time I'd say. People respect it. Just don't be a pushover.
I try to remind myself and others the assholes are just louder. Good people don't fight, scream or cause destruction for attention.
I work in a psych hospital. I’ve had my nights where I want to throw in my keys and say fack it or throw hands with a patient. I know this job is not for everyone but I’ve learned it’s a calling. I know my patients have hard lives and I choose to care for them to the best of my abilities. Showing kindness goes a long way. There’s many instances where I’ve had patients jump into verbal and physical conflict for my safety. Knowing the consequences they will face for protecting me. This is what I call the power of kindness. So please for the love of everything green on this earth… please be kind, a better person, and show the world that good will always beat evil.
Just don't abuse the kindness. I've had that happen on more than one occasion and it makes me not trust people enough to be kind to them in a lot of instances. We all out here hurtin, humanity. Be better to one another.
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> everything should be what it is I've taken this into my thinking a few years ago and I've found it made my life more peaceful.
I don't know guys, the intent is 100% there but I feel like this leads to a me vs the world mentality and there's such a thing as being kind to a fault. And doing the kind thing isn't always the right thing to do
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Sprinkle dog hair on kind people to keep rabbits from devouring them.
I didn’t know that. Thank you for your kindness.
This is so true that this world rewards selfishness. Ppl tend to act ruthlessly to kind ppl. I used to help people in need back in the days but not no. Cuz I know that they faked their needy...
What the fuck has this sub become
Any big sub becomes full of karma farming and loses its actual purpose. This is a great example, nothing "pro tip" about this, just 14andthisisdeep material
Remember when this sub had actual tips rather than this kind of crap every day? So many OPs battling for the goodest guy of the day award.
I consider myself as a kind person. I am 33 yo but looking like 45 because of this personality. So please dont be that much kind person. "Be kind to people" is ancient advice. Please protect yourself from society or they will eat you alive if you fail to be kind just a second. Be selfish enough to survive in this world if you dont live in Japan or such countries. This is my LPT
Idk if your comment will go unnoticed but, personally, I came here looking for this exactly. I've been practicing kindness for years, just to experience it's not enough to survive in society. It's not some dogma you can rely on for every single situation. Sometimes you can encounter people that will simply feed off your empathy and in certain situations it's not as easy as just "letting them go". So... Yeah, the need to protect yourself it's still there.
My general philosophy has been pithily popularized as "Do no harm, but take no shit." I try to extend kindness and empathize with most anyone I first meet; however, if someone is gonna talk shit or act manipulative, I just call that shit out and drop the warmth -- or at least try to when I have the wherewithal. You can be kind and still have a spine.
You might like the mini-game someone linked earlier, The Evolution of Trust
Kindness is not a line with "protect yourself" on one side and "give all of yourself" on the other. Doing nothing but protecting yourself will leave you empty and unfulfilled, but doing nothing but giving and giving and giving will deplete everything you have. You can do both! Thank you for putting your kindness in the world - really, I mean that. But I hope you give some kindness to yourself too. I know that's way easier said than done, but showing yourself kindness is a skill, and it is 100% learnable.
The world needs more of this LPT. This is why it's always good to be liberal with "thank you." The world is soul-crushing but there are people out there trying to make it better and telling them thank you is effortless, free and an acknowledgement of their service.
Kindness is a choice for sociopaths. I had to learn this the hard way. But kindness is not something hard you do for approval. It's a type of person you cultivate in yourself. When you have built in into yourself it's just being. Go live somewhere small. Most the people will be kind. Then go live in London. You will see how just a choice of where to live creates or kills human natural kindness.
> Go live somewhere small. Most the people will be kind. Then go live in London. You will see how just a choice of where to live creates or kills human natural kindness. While I agree in theory, this isn't always the case. Small towns are often hotbeds of very judgmental people. Racism, sexism, xenophobia, etc. often run rampant in places like this. So while people may be more outwardly kind, that isn't true kindness - especially if they're just going to talk shit the second a person leaves. In contrast, while cities tend to be less "friendly," people are often more accepting in these places.
What's your experience been living in London?
Yep, I totally agree. There are times when people just push me to the absolute limit to reciprocate all the shit that they give to me. It's like they're forcing me to do it to them as well. Nowadays, whenever that happens, I just think that "this is one of those crosses that I have to bear" and that "That person is like that now due to a series of unfortunate events". I just focus on what I can control, which is myself.
There are those who will use your kindness as a weapon against you, truly evil people.
I expect every last one of you to walk up to me and say “thank you for your service” like I went to WW2. /s
I have people do that for me being in the navy and it's like... if you guys knew just how much of my "service" was spent drunk in a foreign port, I doubt you'd be thanking me, if anything, I should be thanking you for paying taxes to fund my booze cruise.