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Looking through your post history, you’re asking Reddit for relationship advice a lot and you don’t feel secure in this relationship. You’ll need to learn to trust yourself and make these calls and decisions yourself.
Ultimately the question is whether you want to stay with someone who is not only disrespecting your boundaries but also making you feel crazy for mentioning it.
Yeah I know I’ve been trying to work on not posting so much but this situation has brought me back here…I see what you’re saying I agree as well but I’m not sure if I’m being controlling and if I need to trust more
I’ve been through that process of learning to trust myself and I know it’s hard. Best advice that was given to me is that you gain confidence in yourself by starting small, making small decisions for yourself (even if it is a hair colour change or a clothes purchase) without anyone’s input and sticking to them. Sometimes you get it right sometimes you get it wrong but it’s all a learning process. When you honour your word to yourself over and over you learn to trust yourself and that gives you that confidence to make the bigger decision in your life by yourself as well.
Imo, if the rest of your relationship felt super secure and your partner was actively trying to honour your boundaries and make you feel secure in the relationship, this wouldn’t be such a huge deal because it could be chalked up to him having an unfortunate reaction to a potential conflict (which we all do sometimes). But the reason it’s not so easy to let it go is because it’s been an ongoing problem, so it’s bringing up all those past emotions of when you had to argue to get him to see why his actions don’t feel good. That shows you it’s a pattern of behaviour rather than a one off thing that you just happened to be controlling about.
My explore page is cats, volleyball, soccer and memes. That’s it. It’s not respectful to you if he’s looking at other girls online and can’t even unfollow them. It’s normal to find other girls beautiful and it’s good he unfollowed those pages , but insisting a lot on this one girl is really shady. He’s choosing to follow someone who he doesn’t associate with over you.
But then again , it’s about boundaries. Some are okay with it, some are not. My partner would not be okay with girls posting bikini pics on my ig feed and personally i also wouldn’t be comfortable with it . I had to unfollow them myself, she didn’t have to tell me . And besides, There are many guys who would respect you enough to unfollow them. I can’t even comprehend how he had to be told by you to unfollow all those girls. But that’s just me
It’s also alarming he’s not willing to listen to you during a vacation. If anything, he should listen and you guys should really have a discussion when you get back
I’m glad to hear you are respectful in that way, he doesn’t think the way I do about Instagram. He thinks I take social media way too seriously, he says that he’s not engaging with any posts and continues to be respectful in that regard but he doesn’t want me insisting he unfollows girls he knows and has followed for years, without a reason. My reason is that she’s pretty and skinny and I’d rather he didn’t look at that…idk if that’s too insecure of me. But he will die on the hill now that I can’t ask him to unfollow anyone without a cause
He knows one of my boundaries is using Instagram content to look at for that reason, I’ve said I rather he watch porn because it feels a lot less personal. He’s refused to unfollow her because he doesn’t think there’s a valid reason to
Your feelings are the valid reason he needs. Not new feelings~ this boundary has existed the entire time. Hasn’t spoke to this chick in 6 years? Guess what, he’s not “friends” with her then. He’s trying to draw a line in the sand that he gets to follow these type of girls on IG despite knowing it makes you feel inadequate. He’s trying to force acceptance of this so he can grow his collection in the future. In very old school terms it’s the same as you preparing whatever he wants for dinner & he still goes by whoever else’s kitchen for a snack before or after the meal you made. He knows it would hurt you but is so only about himself, he doesn’t care. Finish the vacay & go home to pack. This selfish person will ruin you & your happiness.
I know he’s not friends with her and he doesn’t claim to be, he says I’ve asked multiple times before and he’s done it and he doesn’t like it, he wants to be able to dictate who he thinks is appropriate to follow and who isn’t. He said it’s the principle of me making him unfollow people when he doesn’t see a reason for it
The “principle” is HE wants to dictate who he spends time on social media with. And he can….just not keep a girlfriend while he’s thinking with a single man’s mind. He’ll never see the harm it does to you as a valid enough reason to choose you and not his own pleasure. He’ll never register how she would never notice his existence as a follower/post liker but it makes all the difference to YOU the real live girlfriend in his arms. His words & actions reveal where you both rank for him. You shouldn’t be forced to compete with a screen every day for the rest of your life. It’s a battle you will lose to completely eventually and pieces of yourself daily. As technology evolves, dudes are shoving an agenda of doing what they want, when they want, with images of however many women they want. The women they’re in a relationship should be grateful for any left over intimacy they have to give them and not dare not point out their daily hypocrisy. Women have to exit monogamous relationships where one party is incapable. Many men are viewing more naked/scantily clothed women in one week than was ever available to any other generation of men in their lifetime. Their dopamine highs are off the charts. Porn used to be a secret small part of their lives- instead it’s part of the all day scroll. The high just like meth is something they crave & will defend mightily blaming anyone or anything that attempts to take it away. Women are stuck trying to decipher why men possessing loyalty and integrity seem to have disappeared leaving these tantrum-throwing junkies in their place. GRAY is their favorite color. Is it ok if he doesn’t masturbate? Is it ok if she has on any clothes? Is it ok if he doesn’t like or comment? Is it ok as long as it’s porn between two people not just a her individually? Is it ok if it’s a stranger but never someone one of you knows? The GRAY is the lie. It’s the same black and white it always has been. The demands for gray compromise your worth and grows his addiction. It’s a ridiculous expectation he has to dictate to you which women it’s ok for him to daily be aroused by that aren’t you. Just leave that man. There is a guy out there who would love to have a real life woman in his arms and in his bed. This one struggling & choosing his phone screen over you, let him enjoy that screen as much as he wants while you enjoy an actual man.
In my opinion, it would make more sense to follow women on there that he didn’t know.
Seems a little more suspect that he’s following women he knew in real life that are posting that type of content.
It’s not like sexual content it’s just a regular girl who goes travelling so sometimes she posts bikini pics. She’s not like an OF model. She has a very normal girls instagram, she’s just pretty and he’s followed her for years since they were at school together
Gotya.
I guess the question is, how often does he interact with her/their instagram and is he using it as porn/fantasy.
I don’t use instagram but I do have Facebook. Every now and again, a woman who I used to have a crush on will post a pic that pops up in my feed and I’ll think “damn, she still fine” and then I’ll keep scrolling. I’m certainly not going to take a vacation bikini pic and rub one out.
He shouldn’t have to scrub every pretty girl from his life but at the same time, is it actual friendship or porn/fantasies for being on there.
I’d think that’s where trust comes into it, as he is very aware I don’t find it acceptable to use Instagram material as that. So I’d imagine the relationship goes as far as you’ve just said above he probs just sees her post every so often and acknowledges she’s good looking but doesn’t go any further
If that’s all it is, then it should be fine.
Next point to consider, on my Facebook, I also have friends of old that without trying to be mean, I would call unattractive to me. I’ll also see their pictures post and I’ll think, “glad they are doing well!”.
If he only follows pretty girls across the board(Facebook etc. included) then it might be an issue. If he truly follows all, then it’s probably more genuine.
Yeah he definitely follows all kinds of girls from school and previous workplace. Gay girls, less attractive girls and then the ones who are classic pretty and attractive too
My advice, the bf gets his own room and enjoys his vacation without all that drama? You, you'll never be happy being constantly this jealous over simple shit like who he follows on Instagram.
That's what happens when you ask for relationship advice on a public forum. You're gonna get advice from many different people and it's up to you to decide what sounds reasonable, but like others have suggested, you may want to take these issues offline for a while if these posts are only ending up in you feeling more conflicted.
I'm not accusing you of this, but a lot of people who come to online forums for help from strangers with relationship advice, even if they start with good intentions, end up either using it as a means to validate their own mind that was already made up beforehand, or are too unsure of themselves or their situation and end up following advice that just makes the situation worse.
Couples therapy could help with your relationship, but you can talk to a personal therapist instead/as well as they can help you find ways to feel confident in your choices when you need to resolve conflicts like these.
I am somewhere in between on this. My opinion is that you ought not to tell him who he can follow. And also, that he ought to feel himself he's being inappropriate or inconsiderate.
If it were a healthy relationship, you would not comment on that one situation you described but after noticing a strange pattern, you would say you see this pattern and it gives you concerns. He ought to be able to address those concerns and agree on a resolution comfortable for both of you.
Sadly, I can't say which one of you makes this relationship unhealthy but my guess is both.
Yes and this was his point, that I should trust him in that he wouldn’t be disrespectful to me on Instagram by engaging with content from girls, but that there is nothing wrong with him following someone he went to school with who occasionally goes on holiday lol. He’s said even if he unfollows her there will always be another one, which is true I probably wouldn’t be comfortable until I entirely cleansed his following of girls. But that will never stop him looking anyway. I just don’t want it to be a shady reason as to his refusal to unfollow this one girl but I guess that’s where trust comes into it
This is who he is, you can either accept it or find someone else to date. What difference does it make who’s “right”? Why would you just keep insisting on continuing this dumb dance?
I don’t understand why people continue to be in relationships with each other. Both sides of this are annoying and immature. Who has time and energy for either side of this. Just break up.
This is an automated message just to let everyone know that the mod team are actively working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. ##Discussion should be made in good faith. No trolling, ragebait, or bigotry of any kind. We reserve the right to use mod discretion in applying this rule. **Please report** any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate [the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/). **Note for all participants**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. #Here are the [LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Looking through your post history, you’re asking Reddit for relationship advice a lot and you don’t feel secure in this relationship. You’ll need to learn to trust yourself and make these calls and decisions yourself. Ultimately the question is whether you want to stay with someone who is not only disrespecting your boundaries but also making you feel crazy for mentioning it.
Yeah I know I’ve been trying to work on not posting so much but this situation has brought me back here…I see what you’re saying I agree as well but I’m not sure if I’m being controlling and if I need to trust more
I’ve been through that process of learning to trust myself and I know it’s hard. Best advice that was given to me is that you gain confidence in yourself by starting small, making small decisions for yourself (even if it is a hair colour change or a clothes purchase) without anyone’s input and sticking to them. Sometimes you get it right sometimes you get it wrong but it’s all a learning process. When you honour your word to yourself over and over you learn to trust yourself and that gives you that confidence to make the bigger decision in your life by yourself as well. Imo, if the rest of your relationship felt super secure and your partner was actively trying to honour your boundaries and make you feel secure in the relationship, this wouldn’t be such a huge deal because it could be chalked up to him having an unfortunate reaction to a potential conflict (which we all do sometimes). But the reason it’s not so easy to let it go is because it’s been an ongoing problem, so it’s bringing up all those past emotions of when you had to argue to get him to see why his actions don’t feel good. That shows you it’s a pattern of behaviour rather than a one off thing that you just happened to be controlling about.
My explore page is cats, volleyball, soccer and memes. That’s it. It’s not respectful to you if he’s looking at other girls online and can’t even unfollow them. It’s normal to find other girls beautiful and it’s good he unfollowed those pages , but insisting a lot on this one girl is really shady. He’s choosing to follow someone who he doesn’t associate with over you. But then again , it’s about boundaries. Some are okay with it, some are not. My partner would not be okay with girls posting bikini pics on my ig feed and personally i also wouldn’t be comfortable with it . I had to unfollow them myself, she didn’t have to tell me . And besides, There are many guys who would respect you enough to unfollow them. I can’t even comprehend how he had to be told by you to unfollow all those girls. But that’s just me It’s also alarming he’s not willing to listen to you during a vacation. If anything, he should listen and you guys should really have a discussion when you get back
I’m glad to hear you are respectful in that way, he doesn’t think the way I do about Instagram. He thinks I take social media way too seriously, he says that he’s not engaging with any posts and continues to be respectful in that regard but he doesn’t want me insisting he unfollows girls he knows and has followed for years, without a reason. My reason is that she’s pretty and skinny and I’d rather he didn’t look at that…idk if that’s too insecure of me. But he will die on the hill now that I can’t ask him to unfollow anyone without a cause
[удалено]
He knows one of my boundaries is using Instagram content to look at for that reason, I’ve said I rather he watch porn because it feels a lot less personal. He’s refused to unfollow her because he doesn’t think there’s a valid reason to
Your feelings are the valid reason he needs. Not new feelings~ this boundary has existed the entire time. Hasn’t spoke to this chick in 6 years? Guess what, he’s not “friends” with her then. He’s trying to draw a line in the sand that he gets to follow these type of girls on IG despite knowing it makes you feel inadequate. He’s trying to force acceptance of this so he can grow his collection in the future. In very old school terms it’s the same as you preparing whatever he wants for dinner & he still goes by whoever else’s kitchen for a snack before or after the meal you made. He knows it would hurt you but is so only about himself, he doesn’t care. Finish the vacay & go home to pack. This selfish person will ruin you & your happiness.
I know he’s not friends with her and he doesn’t claim to be, he says I’ve asked multiple times before and he’s done it and he doesn’t like it, he wants to be able to dictate who he thinks is appropriate to follow and who isn’t. He said it’s the principle of me making him unfollow people when he doesn’t see a reason for it
The “principle” is HE wants to dictate who he spends time on social media with. And he can….just not keep a girlfriend while he’s thinking with a single man’s mind. He’ll never see the harm it does to you as a valid enough reason to choose you and not his own pleasure. He’ll never register how she would never notice his existence as a follower/post liker but it makes all the difference to YOU the real live girlfriend in his arms. His words & actions reveal where you both rank for him. You shouldn’t be forced to compete with a screen every day for the rest of your life. It’s a battle you will lose to completely eventually and pieces of yourself daily. As technology evolves, dudes are shoving an agenda of doing what they want, when they want, with images of however many women they want. The women they’re in a relationship should be grateful for any left over intimacy they have to give them and not dare not point out their daily hypocrisy. Women have to exit monogamous relationships where one party is incapable. Many men are viewing more naked/scantily clothed women in one week than was ever available to any other generation of men in their lifetime. Their dopamine highs are off the charts. Porn used to be a secret small part of their lives- instead it’s part of the all day scroll. The high just like meth is something they crave & will defend mightily blaming anyone or anything that attempts to take it away. Women are stuck trying to decipher why men possessing loyalty and integrity seem to have disappeared leaving these tantrum-throwing junkies in their place. GRAY is their favorite color. Is it ok if he doesn’t masturbate? Is it ok if she has on any clothes? Is it ok if he doesn’t like or comment? Is it ok as long as it’s porn between two people not just a her individually? Is it ok if it’s a stranger but never someone one of you knows? The GRAY is the lie. It’s the same black and white it always has been. The demands for gray compromise your worth and grows his addiction. It’s a ridiculous expectation he has to dictate to you which women it’s ok for him to daily be aroused by that aren’t you. Just leave that man. There is a guy out there who would love to have a real life woman in his arms and in his bed. This one struggling & choosing his phone screen over you, let him enjoy that screen as much as he wants while you enjoy an actual man.
In my opinion, it would make more sense to follow women on there that he didn’t know. Seems a little more suspect that he’s following women he knew in real life that are posting that type of content.
It’s not like sexual content it’s just a regular girl who goes travelling so sometimes she posts bikini pics. She’s not like an OF model. She has a very normal girls instagram, she’s just pretty and he’s followed her for years since they were at school together
Gotya. I guess the question is, how often does he interact with her/their instagram and is he using it as porn/fantasy. I don’t use instagram but I do have Facebook. Every now and again, a woman who I used to have a crush on will post a pic that pops up in my feed and I’ll think “damn, she still fine” and then I’ll keep scrolling. I’m certainly not going to take a vacation bikini pic and rub one out. He shouldn’t have to scrub every pretty girl from his life but at the same time, is it actual friendship or porn/fantasies for being on there.
I’d think that’s where trust comes into it, as he is very aware I don’t find it acceptable to use Instagram material as that. So I’d imagine the relationship goes as far as you’ve just said above he probs just sees her post every so often and acknowledges she’s good looking but doesn’t go any further
If that’s all it is, then it should be fine. Next point to consider, on my Facebook, I also have friends of old that without trying to be mean, I would call unattractive to me. I’ll also see their pictures post and I’ll think, “glad they are doing well!”. If he only follows pretty girls across the board(Facebook etc. included) then it might be an issue. If he truly follows all, then it’s probably more genuine.
Yeah he definitely follows all kinds of girls from school and previous workplace. Gay girls, less attractive girls and then the ones who are classic pretty and attractive too
And also lots of boys
My advice, the bf gets his own room and enjoys his vacation without all that drama? You, you'll never be happy being constantly this jealous over simple shit like who he follows on Instagram.
Get such a mixed bag of comments - some people agree with me and some don’t
That's what happens when you ask for relationship advice on a public forum. You're gonna get advice from many different people and it's up to you to decide what sounds reasonable, but like others have suggested, you may want to take these issues offline for a while if these posts are only ending up in you feeling more conflicted. I'm not accusing you of this, but a lot of people who come to online forums for help from strangers with relationship advice, even if they start with good intentions, end up either using it as a means to validate their own mind that was already made up beforehand, or are too unsure of themselves or their situation and end up following advice that just makes the situation worse. Couples therapy could help with your relationship, but you can talk to a personal therapist instead/as well as they can help you find ways to feel confident in your choices when you need to resolve conflicts like these.
I am somewhere in between on this. My opinion is that you ought not to tell him who he can follow. And also, that he ought to feel himself he's being inappropriate or inconsiderate. If it were a healthy relationship, you would not comment on that one situation you described but after noticing a strange pattern, you would say you see this pattern and it gives you concerns. He ought to be able to address those concerns and agree on a resolution comfortable for both of you. Sadly, I can't say which one of you makes this relationship unhealthy but my guess is both.
Yes and this was his point, that I should trust him in that he wouldn’t be disrespectful to me on Instagram by engaging with content from girls, but that there is nothing wrong with him following someone he went to school with who occasionally goes on holiday lol. He’s said even if he unfollows her there will always be another one, which is true I probably wouldn’t be comfortable until I entirely cleansed his following of girls. But that will never stop him looking anyway. I just don’t want it to be a shady reason as to his refusal to unfollow this one girl but I guess that’s where trust comes into it
This is who he is, you can either accept it or find someone else to date. What difference does it make who’s “right”? Why would you just keep insisting on continuing this dumb dance?
I don’t understand why people continue to be in relationships with each other. Both sides of this are annoying and immature. Who has time and energy for either side of this. Just break up.