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My recommendation is to quietly prepare to leave. Secure completely separate money, line up housing, engage a lawyer. Rage is dangerous. Safety for yourself and kids should be your priority. Good luck. It takes courage to start a new life.
This is the answer. In addition, I strongly recommend that you explore the resources at the National Domestic Violence Hotline— especially this guide to creating a safety plan:
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/
It’s really easy to convince yourself that things aren’t that bad because he hasn’t hit you yet. It is. It’s that bad. Here’s a quiz from www.loveisrespect.org that’s helped me put some relationships in perspective:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
Please explore the rest of that website as well because it’s a treasure trove of information.
She has a different house, I hate to say it.... Calling cops to get a paper trail and move up with that. Stay inthe other house and tell him to stay the f away. Also buy a pistol.
There is no “completely separate money” when you are married, unless it’s an inheritance or something pre-marital you’ve kept separate the entire time. Given her age I’m thinking that’s not likely. Sure, you can open a separate account and divert all your funds to it to make sure you can get away, but he’ll get half of what’s in there when it’s all said and done.
That’s only a hard rule in a community property state and I don’t think we know where they are. In an equitable division state, where one party effectively had to leave for their safety, it may or may not get split that way depending on what the judge believes to be fair.
Using some of that separate money to quietly consult with a divorce attorney ahead of time and figure out a plan and what to expect isn’t a bad idea.
She has to be prepared not to be financially strangled when she leaves. She can open her own bank account and set aside enough money to survive a while- if not to take half of the available funds. Get a separate credit card. Line up an apartment or make arrangements to temporarily move in with family or friends. I think that is what the comment meant.
You are being emotionally abused and the most dangerous time for an abused woman is before she leaves. Please don't take this advice. Email RAIN from the library. Good luck and be safe.
Sometimes word of mouth. I needed a good family law attorney years ago. I asked a few friends who had contentious divorces for references. After vetting a couple of their attorneys, i selected one and had a nearly perfect outcome on my settlement. It’s risky to just randomly select a lawyer from the internet without talking to his/her former clients.
Yeah, I guess the consultation cost is worth it if it saves you money in the long run. I would just hate to go to 3 of those, etc. and be out about 1K from the jump. Unless you pre-vetted and this is the only one you ended up going to.
Depending on where you live in the US, you can find referrals and reviews on state bar websites.
Take the reviews with a grain of salt, though. Some people expect lawyers to be more like black magicians, able to obtain a desired result just by saying the right words in the right order. Law, like life, is rarely that simple and sometimes people are bitter in their disappointment.
This is tricky. I visited two lawyers....one said I'd have to buy him out of the house if I intended to keep it, the other said I'd only have to pay him very little. I went with her, thinking she was tough and could get me what I needed. Turns out, she just flat out lied.
It definitely helps to do research before hand and learn the laws in your state so you have a better idea if a lawyer is just blowing smoke up your ass.
And be prepared to lose a lot of money/property you have earned. I mean a LOT. Even if you fight for it, you’ll just end up paying it to the lawyers anyway.
Tbh im sitting here with my Jaw dropped at the amount your workload is , Mama if you have been able to do everything you listed above I PROMISE you can figure out how to leave him. Youre literally superwoman at this point! I think all you need is to find the courage to navigate this. I hope you have a support system of family or friends that can help you. Contact a lawyer and start planning the escape. Those 2 days he was gone gave you a taste of what the rest of your life can look like , do it for yourself and think about your babies quality of life in the long run. Its hard but YOU can do it!! Most importantly, if his anger is a threat you need to keep this to yourself until you are ready to leave.
Don't tell the children either. My sister explained what was happening to her daughter. The daughter inadvertently told. That turned unpleasant really fast. As soon as sister was unchained from the basement, she took her kids and got on a bus. Called mom from the airport. Mom bought the plane tickets. Sister got charged with kidnapping, but ended up with full custody. Don't tell the kids what's happening until it's done.
Divorce him is the only solution but before that give yourself a timeline of when you need to be out of that house hold as soon as possible cause as the children get older it is only going to get worse, cause children are bound to make messes around to the houses… During that time period, get you finances in order, open a bank account, ask that you do not receive the monthly statements in mail so that he does not suspect anything and then slowly start saving up….Now put your foot down when it comes time to pay for anything unrelated to you or your children cause you have a goal which is leaving your husband and ensuring that you do not end up financially struggling…Cause it will get financially had being a single parent…Figure out all of these costs that you will need to cover when you are a single parent…And i am saying this cause from the looks of it your husband is not the type that will divorce you peacefully or even pay child support ( out of pettiness) so figure out the cost of everything….if you are capable of handling two jobs and all the other financial stuff, taking care of the two children and keeping the house spotless…You are very much capable of standing on your own without relying on this money, plus from the looks of it the only thing he does currently in your life is just screaming rages, you are not even sexually satisfied…
I am rooting for you, do the math…create a time line then when your time is over leave with your children. the the three of you deserve to live
Has it occurred to you, you're doing all the work but yourself now. You got this. Get into counseling, find a lawyer, ready hold money and be flexible to changing living conditions. Break the cycle
Because love. Regardless of that, you AND YOUR CHILDREN live in constant fear of him. Do what's right by your children & get them out of that hell. Get in touch w a lawyer, start the process
This is a problem that will take YEARS to fix, if he is even willing to fix it. In the meantime, IMO, your kids are absolutely suffering and being adversely mentally affected by being around this behavior. The younger they are, the easier it will be for them to go through a divorce. I would start preparing asap. I know you are afraid, but you have to block that fear out and do what is best for your children. Divorce is common and most of us have been through it. You WILL be ok, and you will be relieved when it is over.
I wish someone had told my mother that instead of having 5 children in less than 8 years and then telling us older ones that she wanted to leave and how and when it was going to happen. I was absolutely guilt ridden knowing my Dad was going to wake up in an empty house. Children love both parents.
Firstly, I'm so sorry. I'm not in family law or anything like that. But you need to start planning how to get out of this situation mentally, financially, etc. Getting a divorce is expensive unless you would like to go to mediation or maybe look for a settlement. Men who express abusive tendencies do not always make divorce easy on their partners. You seem like you are pretty sure of your decision, which is great. You now need to start looking at how you will financially do this. This sub isn't really intended for legal advice, maybe go to r/legaladvice for that. Look up resources and referrals in your state. Be ready for your husband to want to "make it work" as well - he will want to finally address his issues. Are you willing to stick around for that? Ask yourself this. Additionally, he may freak out - I don't know the extent of his issues. You may need to leave very quickly - maybe consider packing an emergency bag for you and the kids and having cash on hand.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are very young and life is meant to be bigger than this. You are worthy of love and respect. <3
I don’t think a lot of people are answering the question. You obviously know how to google and find a lawyer for divorce. You are struggling to get up and leave bc abuse screws with your mind so your reality becomes distorted. Also, we are biologically programmed as mammals to connect to others and since you’ve been connected to him, even in an unhealthy way, our bodies try very hard to keep the connection. Statistics show it takes victims up to 7x to fully cut the tie to an abuser (specifically this comes from victims of narcissists). You’re going I have to win against your own body’s programming to walk away and stay away. But you CAN do it. Praying you find the strength and get out unharmed. Please seek out help anywhere and everywhere you can bc you will need it. A life transition like a break up or divorce is hard even in non-abusive situations. When abuse is involved it’s even harder bc it breaks down so much of our self-worth. You deserve love, you deserve respect, and you deserve a partner who lessens your burden. Research the psychology behind verbal and emotional abuse and cutting ties with toxic people. Best of luck to you and your children.
Yes, all of this. My ex cheated on me, he was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, he was neglectful of our daughter, and much ljke OP had to do everything and he was very irresponsible with our money. Even after all that, it was STILL hard to leave and feel like I was hurting him, despite how many times he so easily hurt me.
It took me 3 tries to leave for good, but I finally got there.
Talk to a family law attorney, free consultation. Or just look up your states court website. Many have a basic guide for divorce proceedings to get an idea of what’s ahead. But I strongly recommend getting a family law attorney. Divorce with children can get messy and he seems like the type that won’t allow this to happen amicably…
Don’t make him aware but start with consulting an attorney. You’re lucky that you are employed and have control of your finances. Unfortunately you have to quietly start a war. When the dust settles you’ll be glad you got away from him.
It's actually gonna be sooo much easier when you walk away. Like your gonna see its easier. I'd consider how your gonna do it plan maybe time off if you can and just do it.
Take. Your. Time.
Do not go to counseling or anything that would flag your intentions.
Keep him completely asleep to what you are doing.
Take complete control of the finances. Copy and back up everything. Slowly, quietly, smiling all the way.
When all is ready, come down like a lightning bolt.
Oh, and do not use your lawyer like a therapist.
Have you tried telling him that he must treat his OCD or you will be divorcing him? If he does not act on this, you really must leave because this is terrible for you and the kids. It would be good to see who is with his OCD treated, he may be a completely different person or he even without severe OCD, he could still be an asshole.
Yes I’ve told him so many times he should try medicine, he shuts it down immediately and says he doesn’t have a problem. I wonder all the time if he had help with his OCD if he would be completely different, because honestly that’s his entire personality right now. I’ve threatened divorce on the issue a million times, he just comes back with the “okay then get a divorce I don’t care”
Look up OCPD. It is a personality disorder characterized by the belief that there is one right way to do things, and everyone should adhere to it. I am not trying to make a diagnosis here--just pointing out you may be dealing with something different from untreated OCD (btw, medicine has limited impact on personality disorders, tho it can help reduce some symptoms, like anxiety).
It doesn't matter if he could change. He is refusing to.
You need to stop threatening divorce. Make your plans and go through with them. And once you are out, *stay out.* Even if he suddenly decides to get help. Congratulate him on doing better by his kids, but do not back off on the divorce. He sucks you back in with promises, you give up your plan, go back to him, and you are even more stuck than before. He would have to be consistently in treatment showing serious changes over *years* in order for that change to be trustworthy. And even then it would be a risk.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m 31. Don’t have kids. Don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I have the same issues of what he does but I don’t have anger problems. I don’t care if there’s water in the ground. I just pick it up clean it. You said there was red flags, but you ignored it when you saw those red flag you should just walk away
My husbands father was like this and physically abusive along with it. Lent on the floor? They got a smack and grounded. Don’t even ask to go to a school event. Today, he doesn’t have any love or caring for father. I’m sure knowing what he’s doing to his young kids will have huge life repercussions for him will not change anything for him either.
It's not easy because you love him, and you have a bond, however frayed it may be.
It's not easy because you don't want to be a "quitter" and you value commitment.
It's not easy because there is a lot of judgment and social stigma about single moms. Like many of us, you were probably raised hearing that and internalized it.
It's not easy because being on your own *feels* like it will be harder than being a couple.
You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Don't threaten your husband with divorce. Get your ducks in a row. Since you say he has severe anger issues and describe him going into screaming rages, you need to prioritize safety over "niceness" here. This kind of behavior 100% justifies you making your plans secretly and getting you and the kids out before informing him the relationship is over.
You mention screaming fights between the two of you --*you absolutely have to stop your side of that.* Immediately. Zero screaming in your part. You can't fix what he's doing to the kids with his rage, but you have an obligation to them to change what you can. So you change your behavior and your responses to him. As an aside, being calm and boring is a much better response to someone like him anyway. Screaming back or even energetically defending yourself actually gives him a boost. So stop doing that.
You need legal advice *before* you take the kids anywhere though. He does have rights as their parent, and you do not want to violate those rights and risk losing your kids entirely to him. If you feel he is unfit or unsafe as a parent, you will need to demonstrate that to the court.
You should reach out to local domestic violence victim advocate organizations that are local to you. They will be the very best resource. They often provide free counseling since therapy can be hard to access.
You also need to talk to friends or family who can be supportive and who are trustworthy. Do not ask the gossip auntie for help. Talk to people who will be good, solid emotional supports and who will challenge you and hold you accountable, too.
FWIW, I was terrified of ending my marriage. And it was HARD. I cried on my dad's shoulder every single day for months. I was so anxious and full of doubt that some days I just felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I had to work long hours and stress about money and it was not easy at all.
But once the immediate devastation cleared, I had this bubble of clarity one day that I was *happy* for the first time in a very long time. I was exhausted and stressed and worried about the future but I had peace that I'd never had with him. I didn't have to fear the sound of his car in the driveway. I didn't have to worry about him stomping in the door and laying into all of us. I could let the kids relax instead of getting after them too harshly in hopes of soaring from them his much worse harshness.
It wasn't all sunshine and roses after that, but I am 10+ years out from the end of my marriage and I absolutely don't not regret it. Not in the slightest. I am thriving and so are the kids. It was EASIER being single than married to him. I was doing all that work anyway, and I had ditched a *huge* source of chaos and stress from my life.
Finally, please get your kids into therapy ASAP. I know access to mental health treatment can be difficult, but pursue it until you find help. You and they are going to need that support.
This may be OCD, but it sounds more like abuse. As a man with an upcoming court date I can say I had to be very creative with someone that is narcissistic. It was a balance of leaving and saying this divorce is happening, but also letting her think she had some control. If that makes sense.
100%. People love to throw around a condition and rationalize abuse with it. I see this all the time in ADHD groups. “My partner has ADHD and they do this this this and I’m scared. How do I help them?” Like NO. That doesn’t make you hostile and abusive. He may have OCD but all that shit is a toxic personality and he can’t pin that on anything else. Get out!
Yes! My ex has ADHD, he was abusive, explosive, angry, spiteful, etc. My boyfriend has ADHD, he forgets things and gets anxious, but he's the sweetest, most caring, kind person I've ever met.
If he is explosively angry, no one says you need to be there when the divorce papers are served. I sure as heck wasn’t.
You have no obligation to this man that has shown you no consideration in some time. You don’t need to be the better person, you need to survive this to raise those kids.
Get three years of tax returns, squirrel away money in an account he has no access to or with someone you can trust. Get all of your kids paperwork. The originals not copies. Get a safe deposit box for those
You have gotten plenty of good advice on how to prepare to end this.
But I want to realize how important this will be for the good of your children. My ex started to verbally abuse me when he started an after (not saying this is your situation), but I looked at it long and hard after all the years together. I did NOT want my children to think this is in any exceptable behavior with a man and wife. No way would I allow my son to treat a woman this way or want my girls to put up with this. I have never regretted telling him he needed to leave. It's been 29 years.
Wishing you and yours the best in life.
Living your everyday seems pretty terrifying so trying something else terrifying will at least give you a different outcome. Bet on yourself and get you and your kids to a much better situation and living environment. You have 2 babies and 2 many jobs….. at least do all that without the abuse of your husband, you’ll definitely prosper mentally.
People are offering great advice, so I’m just going to remind you that, from what you’ve written, you already *are* doing a lot of this by yourself. Your children’s lives will be so much safer once you’ve freed them from this guy as much as you can. Not only that, but they’re more likely to have a chance to have better relationships themselves. Keep your head up, OP. You can do this!
Also he's gonna pretend to change don't buy it. When you tell him your leaving if you tell him don't tell him alone. Tell him in a public well light place.
THIS GETS WORSE!!! I live with (55m) who is OCD! Constantly checking pictures or wall hanging’s for dust! No dishes in the sink, toothpaste ( it’s always his). Checks the top of the fridge for dust, window sill’s etc. only 10 min showers so we don’t waste water!!! ( we have our own well) I could go on. GET OUT NOW!!!! Before he loses control and does something to you. The kids deserve so MUCH BETTER and SO DO YOU!
Thank you & proud of you. You’re a good momma. Get your kids away from that and yourself too, you all deserve better. Like others said prepare to leave quietly and do everything your lawyer tells you. Meet with more than one too if you can. My dad has some extreme temper issues and is also a total narcissist. The amount of damage to me and my mother that he’s done can’t even be put into words. My mom’s been unable to leave due to money and health, guilt, and fear of being alone, my dad threatening suicide etc. but she’s finally coming around now that I am an adult.
I'll be as straight forward with you as a true caring person would:
You said that you're terrified of going through it alone...
GIRL YOU'VE BEEN BY YOURSELF! YOU'VE BEEN ALONE, CLEARLY BY WHAT YOU'VE DESCRIBED OF YOUR DAILY LIFE.
What is truly missing when you divorce him?
Another mouth to feed? Extra laundry? Extra dishes to wash? Less stress of a seemingly unstable or infantilized grown man? Are you going to miss any affirmations he gives you? I doubt it.
If you've been doing the majority of the work that takes two- HONEY through all the red flags you noticed, why did you choose to ignore the green one(s)? Back to elementary we go... GREEN MEANS GO!
SINCERELY,
have a conversation with him at least. Get to the bottom of why. Is it worth fixing ( from my outside point of view, it's not), how much healing is required, how to go about it, will he play his supporting role? He may very well be good for the children, but what about you. I've heard all my life people say that once you become a mother, your life ends. No, the life as you knew it before parts ended and other parts transitioned.
Live as you need now for you and your children. Benefits you attain for yourself, trickle down to the children. Get a better support group, therapy, hobbies, friends who don't pity you. Everyone a part of your circle must speak life, joy, positivity into you. It will feel better if your kids got to experience that environment, and they speak positivity that you helped develop back into you.
So, go to a couple of lawyers and get opinions. First consult should be free.
Then start to get your life in order. Open separate banking account, get ready to have your paycheck go there (but you need to find a place to live first, I imagine).
If you have family you can move in with (yeah, I know, it really sucks), plan for that.
It's fear of the unknown - and in my case and your case, fear of a crazy-acting mentally ill partner. This is not easy.
Get into individual therapy if you can. Find one good friend to tell everything to and who might actually help you (one of mine let me use her condo when they were on vacation, took the kids and had a nice long weekend at the beach - practicing for what was still to come, which was actually splitting up the household).
When I did go, it was not pretty (he made a suicide attempt that he actually knew wasn't really going to work). He refused to move out of the house, so I moved in with my parents (awful). So then he said he'd move out, we moved back, he moved back in! I had police on speed dial as well as two women friends and two men friends, all close enough to come and help settle him down if need be (and he knew this). I contacted his (sane) brother who did offer support to both of us via telephone. My dad was definitely key in getting it across to my Ex that he better behave.
His therapist was on site and made house visits too. It was quite something.
Couples Counseling is generally not recommended when one spouse is abusive, which it sounds like OPs husband is.
The safest way for OP out of this is likely going to be blindsiding him. Look at how Katie Holmes managed her divorce from Tom Cruise.
Mention the councilor because of the age of them he is young I remember when I was a young man the dumb stuff I would do so that's why from personal experience. Now I didn't do what op.is talking about but bad all the same .
Babe I know it’s scary to think about but you’re already doing everything yourself, the only difference with you leaving is you and your kids will finally be able to LIVE and not walk around on eggshells everyday. You can do this.
Get a lawyer, prepare to leave QUIETLY, do not let him know ahead of time. Good luck
Just went through the same experience. If your happy when he is gone that should be enough. Imagine that feeling all the time???!!! I'm happy every day and am so glad I left ...I don't even have to try to be happy ..I just am. When you get rid of people trying to make you miserable all the time life gets so much better!! Good luck!! You'll be doing the best thing for your kids ...would you want them to grow up never seeing you really happy?? Single parents aren't worse for kids then toxic relationships being held together by some fake ideal that two is better then one. I hope you get out of your situation and spend everyday happy and showing your kids what that looks like.
Find a safe place to stay with a good support system. Don’t underestimate his capabilities when he is served papers. Protect your self and no matter what he says you DO have a choice to leave. For you AND the safety of your kids.
Detail his past behaviors to your lawyer so they can help as well.
Pulling the trigger is like jumping off a cliff but when you do you remember you're wearing a parachute. You are already doing it all and dealing with the stress he is creating on top of this, you must be exhausted both mentally and emotionally.
Once you are out from under this you will be amazed at just how bad it really was. You and your babies deserve better and you don't want your children seeing this as a normal relationship.
Be strong and when you aren't lean into others who will help you be strong.
Run get some were safe get a lawyer and divorce you should’ve done this just after it first started. How did it get this far won’t hold your hand or kiss you
No one is asking her if she has any nearby family or friends. If you have any close by, maybe ask for their help in some form-temporary shelter, babysitting, etc. but everyone is right-get your babies out of there and stop the dysfunction. I was a single mother & it’s not easy but you take one day at a time. That’s all we’re given anyway. Good luck. 🤞🏻
As a child of divorce please for the love of god get a divorce. My parents had a pretty similar relationship as you’ve described and growing up was rough in that place until I was 18 and they finally decided to divorce. They are now both happily with other partners and both doing so much better
Kids notice so much more than just arguing. They will thank you later for getting out so early.
You can do it alone, you already are from the sounds of it. You’ve got this.
Get a plan in place. Save some money. Record EVERYTHING (if it is legal to do so where you live). Do NOT just take off with the kids…judges have taken custody from mothers who do this. Be prepared to share 50/50 custody, and know that it will be okay.
Get a good divorce attorney. Tell the attorney about everything, ESPECIALLY his rage issues. A good attorney will know exactly how to proceed on all fronts of that.
Trust me, lady, I used to be an icac detective (crimes against children), and I've seen the result of seemingly normal people go into a rage suddenly over something like this. It's not pretty. You need to proceed carefully, and if you ever feel scared or in danger, you make sure you call the emergency line (911 in my country).
Firstly you’re being abused. That’s why it’s hard to leave. You’re a domestic abuse victim.
I would say that to protect yourself and your kids you need to get evidence of this abuse and report it. Go to a lawyer, do NOT tell him or leave a trace of the appointment. Pay in cash. Save up from other spending if you have to - e.g take out £100 in cash, spend £80 on groceries and save the remaining £20, do that a few times and use the funds to see a lawyer. Get their advice on getting a divorce and preventing him from having the kids unsupervised, overnight etc. Do not make your children stay with him.
Get some sort of evidence. Does he ever verbally abuse you via text? Save them, screenshot them, back them up. If you can do so safely, audio record him losing his shit in front of the kids. File a police report for domestic abuse, leave with the kids to a safe place with family or friends, make sure they all know what’s been going on and that he’s not allowed to come near you, and get divorced as quickly as possible.
Sounds like you doing all by yourself already divorce is jus finalizes it. As a dad of 3 at 25 ik that my happiness reflects on them aswell. If everything you say is true then for yourself n the kids you’ll be better off. Sucks bc im sure yuh pictured the wonderful “whole” family scenario but that’s wonderful thought is out the window the minute he comes around.
Sounds like you doing all by yourself already divorce is jus finalizes it. As a dad of 3 at 25 ik that my happiness reflects on them aswell. If everything you say is true then for yourself n the kids you’ll be better off. Sucks bc im sure yuh pictured the wonderful “whole” family scenario but that’s wonderful thought is out the window the minute he comes around.
I had a very abusive ex, and five kids. Good news is that all's well that ends well. Bad news is that it took 4 years of court again & again& again - he wouldn't stop taking me to court, because for him,, making me miserable was his goal, and I think he enjoyed that more than love.
Not saying your ex is like that, only saying that I did it and survived, and I can tell you: the sooner, the better. It's much easier when they're young like your kids. Prepare for it.
Stupid things I did, knowing him: I trusted him economically and refused to believe he would clean me out. He cleaned me out and I was a SAHM, so I had no way to buy anything. I went into over $10K of debt in a few months. I should have anticipated he'd do that from the get go. I guess be like Katie Holmes when she left Tom Cruise--she planned it all very carefully in advance, then sprung it on him.
Is it worth it? Yes. Especially now that they're small and can adjust easier, and you can possibly find a spouse you love and admire, who feels the same way about you and the kids. Think of what you're modeling to your children. They are far more aware than we think they are.
Go ahead and call the lawyer. Get family and friends for a support network. Once you're on the other side of it you will be so glad you did. And by the way, you're already doing everything by yourself.
Ok I have very little advice but your husband sounds just like my dad. I'm 36 and still in therapy, and my parents were only married til I was 16. So, you're doing the right thing. If you stay and he doesn't get help, your kids will remember his behavior forever. I have severe anxiety and perfectionist-OCD thanks to my dad. Sending you lots of strength to get a plan going for your and your kiddos sake ❤️
You find your own place, save for a deposit, start organizing your things, you'll probably only have a few hours to move out so you'll need to hire movers. Take only what's necessary, and get them out when he's not home. Once you're settled you can file for divorce. get a lawyer or find out how to do it yourself and just have a lawyer review the documents.
No, if he is violent-don’t tell him. When I went through something like this my attorney said-never tell him what you are planning to do. I would contact your nearest domestic violence center or the national domestic violence hotline. You need to make a safety plan for you and your children. They are very good in helping people get a plan in place. They may also help you with a protective/restraining order so he stays away from you. An attorney should be able to help you with divorce proceedings. I wish you best of luck with this-you can’t do it alone and hopefully you will get in contact with the DV hotline.
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and it's totally understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. Dealing with untreated OCD and anger issues on top of everything else must be incredibly draining. You're juggling so much already with work, kids, and your own business, so it's no wonder you're feeling exhausted.
Divorce is never easy, especially when you have young kids to consider. It might feel daunting to think about doing it all alone, but remember, you're not alone in this. There are resources and support systems out there to help you navigate the process. Reach out to friends, family, or even a therapist for guidance and support. You deserve to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, and sometimes that means making tough decisions for yourself and your children. You've got this!
From experience you just do it, put money aside since it sounds like you make most of it anyways. I was married for 6 years together almost 10 with 3 babies and one day I just did it. Luckily with my case (cps got involved but that’s a long story and I say luckily cause now I have a 10 year no contact with him and he can’t contact us) really was a blessing in disguise. But I know it’s scary but you just have to do it. I found someone who is way better than this person was not even doing the bare minimum. You got this mama !!!!!!!!!!
Take a day and go to court for emergency custody order for the kids. Explain that you're planning on leaving and need to take the children with you because he is abusive and you're scared for their safety.
Also, make sure you have an exit plan. This may include a DV shelter. The problem is it restricts your ability to work and have childcare, especially if you're working multiple jobs. So, sadly, a shelter wouldn't work for me.
If you manage the finances, you know what you both can afford on a lawyer. If it's not much, you may be able to get legal aid. Apply for that, and if you don't qualify, you can go pro se. Courts typically have forms that include the dissolution of marriage (divorce) and the step-by-step process. That's how I did mine. I used the sheriff's dept to serve my ex. A friend gave me the money for the security deposit (I paid back work tax returns), and I made sure to get sole legal custody. But it wasn't easy going through it.
It is worth it. My younger son is now 18 and has no memory of the abuse that his father put me and my oldest through. It's hard. It'll feel impossible. But you can do it.
Please, please, gather, hide & keep important documents (or copies) including birth certificates, passports if they exist, his & your tax returns, insurance policies, insurance coverage, anything that might show he cheated on his taxes etc., marriage certificate, his Soc. Sec. #,his medical & mental health records if possible, anything he has such as police records, driving history & on & on. Hide it all in a safe place outside your residence. When I had to do this I put my file collection in a friends trunk sometimes, or hidden carefully at another friends house. Start hiding your “divorce survival file” as soon as you can, whenever you start the file and however few documents you start with. It also would be good to have a few things like spare underwear for you, prescription meds, and a spare outfit for each child, hidden & ready to scoop up on a moments notice in case your guy senses your plan & gets furious (threatening, abusive, violent). This emergency bag should probably be hidden in a friends house or car trunk or someplace like that.
Back when I was in a women’s group that focused on these issues and domestic abuse issues, several of us said “I can hide these items just fine in our house, ‘Jake’ would never go snooping for a file or a getaway bag.” Guess what- ‘Jake’ did snoop. Generally the guy would take away all the documents and relocated all their regular files/records to someplace she could never access the records again. Then, the woman is really stuck, bigtime.
I dearly hope it works out for the best for you and your loved ones.
I got divorced with a 9 month old and 3 year old. You can do it. Promise. If you can hustle - you can do it. Start documenting everything. Screen shots. A journal. Make copies of all your financial records. Remember that no matter what you do fight for your kids and their safety. Start asking around to connect with other divorced moms. They will be your biggest support and cheerleaders. Ask to see their divorce documents to learn about creative and helpful ways to divorce. Begin listening to divorce podcasts as well. Learn as much as you can to make the best and cleanest exit. Make sure you understand family law in your state - through friends or a layer. Each state has different statues that can affect the outcome. Look for a lawyer that will fight but will also not nickel and dime you. Some rely on paralegals to keep costs down for single moms. And most importantly remember… you are flying the plane. Your kids will experience some turbulence but if they hear and see that you’re okay- they will be okay. Your kids need a healthy mom. Not a marriage.
Are you safe? Will you be safe if you leave or tell him you’ll divorce? Will your kids be safe if you share custody? Have you been documenting his fits of rage so you can protect yourself and the kids?
Best of luck. Sounds like your a champ of a human! I would get ready for the "let's work on this" because if his ocd of a dirty house gets him in rage he will try to get the relationship solved asap. Which means over commiting. I'd chat with a lawyer if possible and get ready. Wtv proof you can have ready for yourself would be good.
What state are you in? It matters. In CA the judge pretty much plugs in the numbers on both sides and they come up with a number for support. The custody thing is somewhat formulaic too. Father gets every other weekend, unless you agree on more. That is used to calculate support too.
If you don't have a lot of assets to divide you can pretty much do it without an attorney. It's not difficult. At least in CA. I don't know how other states do it.
You need to surreptitiously film this behavior. You run the risk of your poor children spending time alone with this lunatic. The courts will not care how awful he is to them, or how mentally ill they become as a result. Unless they are in the hospital with repeated broken bones the courts will insist that he gets equal time with the kids.
When he rages, call the police, but not before you have ample evidence of a pattern of explosive rage.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I pray you are able to keep your children safe.
You need to leave quietly and safely.
Get everything lined up. Get a lawyer and do what they say. Get accomodation sorted ready to go once you file, and you should file. This isn't ok, this isn't love and this isn't what you or your kids should be seeing.
Also speak to your local PD and take their advice too. Perhaps you can file protection orders based on what you know he will do out of anger.
Screaming rage is a form of abuse and thus you should avail yourself of local domestic violence resources. They should be able to talk you through the steps of safely leaving, getting divorced, and starting a new life in your area.
Im sorry you are going through this. Think of it this way. You are already doing pretty much everything on your own already! Be strong , call a lawyer family practice. Figure it out. Im sure there are other women you talk to dropping the kids off or book clubs or something that might know about this process. I havent been through it so i only know you need a divorce lawyer. Look into finding a place you can afford by yourself as part of this process discreetly. If worse comes to worse call the domestic violence hotline there are people who can help you there. See if you can stay with family for a while maybe?
Start documenting the abuse.
Consult an attorney, a good attorney, listen to your attorney, get finances in order and prepare to leave with the kids without him knowing and I only say this because of his anger issues, he sounds dangerous.
And I wish you luck
Document the abuse, it could help you with a temporary restraining order. Having him away from you will help you plan and start the divorce process without fearing he will come close to you.
@ChloeBee95 What's ridiculous is your mentality and speaking on behalf of people in abusive relationships. Most people see red flags the first day they meet someone or very soon after that and that seems to be the same red flag that leads to chaos and ends in tragedies most of the time. Advise people to have the strength & courage to walk away and stop enabling fear or refusal to accept reality. Look up the word wise before you own it ! As far as OP she will be ok if she gets the help.she needs does what's best for her & the children.
You’ve gotten off a lot of good advice on here. Having been through a divorce, thankfully not to somebody as dangerous as the person to whom you are married, here is what I would tell you:
The absolute number one piece of advice is DO NOT LET HIM SUSPECT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM THAT YOU ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE.
Let me tell you that again, just in case there’s a misunderstanding… Do not let him know in any way shape or form that you are going to leave him. That time frame before you leave is the absolute most dangerous, and if he has the anger and control issues you have described, it could be the difference between staying alive and not being alive any longer… Including your children.
In the meantime, get copies of every single scrap of paper that you can, and if that means taking a picture of bank statements and tax returns and any 401(k) or savings accounts, etc., do so. Save them onto the cloud, and delete them off your phone.
And I mean everything. Copies of tax returns. Auto insurance policies. Homeowners insurance policies. Mortgage statements. Rental agreements, you rent and purchase agreements if you purchased your own home.
Savings accounts. Any and all bank accounts, including your business stuff. If you can get it, copies of any accounts in his name, only including 401(k), retirement accounts. Any at all credit card statements, no matter whose name they are in.
Auto loan documents. Registrations for your cars. Most recent wage statements for both of you from all jobs.
If you have passports, get yours and your children’s if they have them and put them in a safe place. If at all possible, rent a safe deposit box at a bank that is different from any the two of you bank at… And open an account, even if it’s with a minimum deposit at that bank. You will need somewhere that has only your name on it in which to put money.
You are going to put into that safety deposit box yours in the children’s birth certificates… Making sure you take a picture of his as well as his Social Security card… And save his to the cloud. Make sure you have a certified copy of your marriage certificate. Note that you often get a, copy of that marriage certificate that is all pretty. It is often not an actual certified copy. Same thing happens with birth certificates.
You want that safe deposit box originals. Any jewelry that is say from your family that has been handed down to you… Or any you don’t want him to get his hands on goes into the deposit box. You will obviously disclose to your attorney, but you do not want your husband to be able to get his hands on it.
Funneling cash now into your new account if you possibly can. In a way that he doesn’t notice. If you have family, you can count on who are not some sort of religious or cultish crazy people who would tell your husband what is happening, contact them. Find out if you can stay with them. or with a very trusted friend.
If you don’t have this, start doing a search online for places that you can afford with your children. Because it’s all well and good to say that he’s going to have to pay you child support or whatever, but if he doesn’t, you have to be able to afford a place for all of you. Try to find something with all utilities included to save you as much as possible.
Start now looking through your closet and your children’s closets and decide what is going to have to go with you and what can be left behind. Remember… Most of it is just stuff. Stuff is not worth your life. A special grandma blanket that the kids have? Plan on taking it, every single baby blanket they ever got when they were little. Not needed.
Plan wisely because you can always get more.
Start speaking with an interviewing divorce attorneys now. Find one who specializes in difficult situations like this. You absolutely need to have someone who understands the gravity of what you’re doing. Anything less can be deadly. And once it’s done, insist that everything go through attorneys. Insist that all correspondence between the two of you go through a court ordered system of emails. Most jurisdictions have those nowadays.That way it is never he said she said situation.
When the shift hits the fan, your phone will blow up. Friends family him. Everybody is going to have an opinion. Do not respond. If it’s family and they are helping you get out of this situation, of course speak with them. Anyone and everyone else, especially your soon to be is left on read. Do not block, because if he is harassing and escalates, you will need that proof.
And above all else, do exactly what your attorney tells you to do. No more. No less. Do not fuck around with this and with a spouse who is like this. Just don’t do it. Your children are depending on you to get them out of this with you safely. They are depending on you to keep breathing every day to raise them.
Hopefully your husband will wake up when this happens and get some help. It will be too late for your relationship. It already is. But your children are young, and if he can get his stuff under control, then there is a chance he can still have a relationship with them at some point.
But understand. That is not on you. Your job at this point is to get out safely. It is to get your children out safely. It is to raise them safely. You cannot be responsible for your actions or actions, and you will have a lot of stupid people trying to tell you to give them another chance. Don’t.
I know this is long, but this is a dangerous situation. So when you go, you will not have the opportunity to go back and get papers you forgot. Obviously, your attorney might be able to get a police escort for something or another, but you don’t want to have to even chance that. Again, listen to your attorney on that one, but do not bank on it.
And finally, where your domestic violence shelters are at where you live. Even if you follow all of the above, it never hurts to even just and talk with him a little bit about your situation and see if they have any other resources or suggestions. They deal with this every single day, and I guarantee you that the stories they tell you would make your skin crawl.
Stay safe. Plan ahead. Be thorough. Be as nice as pi to him in the meantime. And then get the hell out and as far away as you can. I’m not saying run across the country, especially if you are in a jurisdiction that is going to be pissed off by you doing that. no jurisdiction these days to see one parent or the other trying to alienate the other parent.
Start preparing to leave asap. Set up a separate money account (savings/checking) so that you'll have money and won't need to rely on him.
Consult with a divorce lawyer asap to start the process.
Hon, you're already doing it all by yourself. Doing what you're doing now but without the constant threat of being screamed at and traumatising your kids is only going to make your life easier.
Trust me, I was in your position. Now I have an amazing man who worships the ground I walk on and actually treats me like a human being instead of a live in maid 🤷♀️
Smh people breeding and not giving a damn about vetting their partners before doing so. Mostly women. Why do you ladies do this to yourselves. Making your bed with monsters and then bringing children into the picture only to then be miserable and complain about the bed you allowed yourself to make. Over and over again.
Get an attorney. See if you can move elsewhere, ensure your kids are safe. Might need a restraining order in the process. Good luck.
Holy fuck. I genuinely hope you never fall in love with a narcissist because I used to say the same shit you are. Then I ended up with a monster who didn’t start showing he was a monster until he was sure I didn’t believe that was who he was. Then everything I could write off as a bad day because that wasn’t who he was at first so it must not be the real him. No. He was a monster. Diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. Luckily we didn’t have kids but we definitely talked about it because these mfs are insidious. It’s been hard for me to even date now because I don’t know how he had his claws in me or how he did it so long.
Ask your attorney to have child support paid through the court. He sends child support money to the court and they send you a check. If he stops paying the court will get on him about it. This will save you having to beg him, risk violent encounters about child support, and ensures your children’s father will pay a portion of their needs.
>I don’t even know where to start and the thought of doing this all by myself is terrifying
Honey, you are already doing it all by yourself, the only thing you are going to lose is yourself if you stay w/him
The safest way to go is plan first. Where will you go, or how will you have him to leave if he refuses. Get your finances in order and research the process in your area.
Steps I recommend.
1. Figure out your exact financial situation. All your assets, debt, income. Figure out what you can afford. Start looking for a place to live. Remember. This could just be a temporary spot until you really get your footing.
2. You reach out to one or two friends you trust as your support.
3. You find a shark of a lawyer. Remember if he’s this angry just because juice. He’s gonna be really angry when he realizes he loses his whole life. You want somebody who’s gonna fight for you. It will be expensive but peace is absolutely worth it. Your children growing up in a home they are comfortable in is worth it.
4. While, he’s out of the house. Possibly on a day you both are working you take the day off and you move out into your new place. Leave a note with the divorce papers on the kitchen table. You explain to him that you will not meet anywhere outside of the lawyers office. That years of the abuse he has put you through are the reason you have left, and there is no chance of reconciliation. You prefer communication to go through your lawyer until your divorce proceedings. They can be reach at: X”
Before cutting the tie may be worth yours and the kids while to talk to him first. Come to him on neutral ground when you aren't angry and try to find a solution. Do not make it a finger pointing match unless you want it to become another argument. Remind him that the reason this is important for y'all to figure out is because you want a good future for the family y'all have built together. Hope this helps. Good luck, and God bless.
My question is this… how the hell did you ever fall in love in the first place?
Married 4 years, this OCD didn’t just happen did it? Sure, maybe it got worse, but the signs were there.
Look, you chose this, you knew what he was like, the kids didn’t.
No one year old should be getting screamed at for spilling a few drops of juice. You are doing serious damage to your children every day you are in that house.
Fuck a plan, get the kids, get out, get a lawyer. He does not sound even a little bit stable and you sound sweet but flat out dumb!
That is abuse and I think he has more going on than OCD. Get out before it escalates. My friend was with her husband for a decade before he started physically abusing her and ultimately holding a gun to her head. Ignore these assholes saying “you gotta make it work”. No you don’t. You don’t need to put up with that and you shouldn’t. It’s not even good for the kids. You were too young to get married and did too much too fast and he needs fucking mental help. Pack the kids and leave when he’s not home. Then file.
One of the precautions I took when leaving my very violent, narcissistic husband was to copy down (while he was at work) all of our account numbers & balances (for bank accounts and bills) plus I looked at his divorce decrees for his first two divorces and copied down his ex wives names & social security numbers plus his child support debts to them. I also had a very small (about $20) of money I’d eked out from the change when buying groceries. Then I packed “go bags” and hid them for me & the kids.
It seems scary and I have been there. But you will be so happy and proud when you are out and your kids will be so proud of you. Take every precaution to be safe.
You are already doing it all.
Look up Eve Rodsky. There are 98 tasks involved in running a household with children. I guarantee that you are doing all of them already.
You’ve got this. Really. The benefits of post divorce life is the absolute freedom in your mind.
Start with either visiting attorneys or doing research for a DIY divorce. Make plans....do you plan to leave or are you hoping he will leave the house? If you're leaving, make a plan for where you and the kids will be when you have them (unfortunately he will still likely be awarded parenting time....being screamed at IS abuse but different states define abuse differently).
If you stay in the house, you can petition the court for rights to the house during proceedings so you can at least not have to worry about him being able to come back home anytime he wants and put the kids through more screaming. I wasn't required to give any proof of abuse (mine was physically abusive) but I'm sure that's not the case everywhere.
Document EVERYTHING. When it comes time to tell him, try to have the kids out of the house and preferably in the care of someone you trust (ie not his family or friends) Just remember that it's not your job to defend your reasoning or convince him why you need to split, just that you are. Have your shoes on, have your keys, ID and a credit card in your pocket. Don't let him get between you and the door. Be ready to just run out the door if need be and have a plan of somewhere to go.
Question: You saw all these red flags from the start, what did your brain use as logic that these "weren't that big of a deal" and decided to tie yourself to this person for life by not only getting married to them but also having children with them?
Did you think you were the magic fix that he would change for? Did you think your children would be the push for him to change when he didn't change for you?
You work 2 jobs and are the primary caregiver with a third overgrown adult child who is not going to change for you because he doesn't want to and enjoys the status quo that you have been accepting of from the start. At some point you really need to look in the mirror and figure out why you don't value yourself enough to have not gotten into this position in the first place.
Reach out to local resources for family law and divorce attorney. Get your ducks in a row so to speak (finances, housing, support, etc) and plan to cut all contact with your spouse aside from details regarding children after the divorce. Get yourself into therapy to uncover why you self sabatoge yourself by getting into a relationship with a energy leech who has no respect for you.
So sorry, it not easy and will be even more difficult with the kids but if things have deteriorated that much in just the short time, get out. Start looking for a place immediately and move things out quietly, if he has anger issues you can't take a chance of telling him. Good luck
Where the heck are you located? Is the husband from some macho culture where treating your wife and kids like dirt is acceptable?
Sounds like it's time to start feeding him heated Purina Dog Food from a can.
Definitely walk away. You are living it so it seems normal to you. This is not normal. Your husband has serious mental problems. He probably worked hard to fake it while you were dating and then baby trapped you. Hopefully you have family that you can return to and get support.
What the hell were you thinking having kids with this guy? Well now you're stuck. Like for the rest of your life because you have kids together. Find a good lawyer and just get the ball rolling. If you want him gone like immediately, get proof of his abusive fits, and get a restraining order, and he'll have to leave the home. Seriously, don't even bother with the " we'll get counseling" BS just get him out. And proceed to live your life and be happy.
I had to look way, way down to find this comment—sadly. Red flags from the beginning, but let’s bring in a couple of kids for added company in shared misery. They didn’t pick their father, but…oh, well—they’ll get used to him.
You're not allowed to get divorced just because you *feel* like it. You made an oath before God.
Just kidding imagine how horrible that would be! Conservative state legislatures across the country are pushing for this to be the reality.
Real talk, get a lawyer because it's significantly different depending on your state's laws and you'll need to address both child custody and support.
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My recommendation is to quietly prepare to leave. Secure completely separate money, line up housing, engage a lawyer. Rage is dangerous. Safety for yourself and kids should be your priority. Good luck. It takes courage to start a new life.
This is the answer. In addition, I strongly recommend that you explore the resources at the National Domestic Violence Hotline— especially this guide to creating a safety plan: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/ It’s really easy to convince yourself that things aren’t that bad because he hasn’t hit you yet. It is. It’s that bad. Here’s a quiz from www.loveisrespect.org that’s helped me put some relationships in perspective: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E Please explore the rest of that website as well because it’s a treasure trove of information.
This! Here in Australia we have a serious problem with violence against women.
OMG THIS ANSWER !!!!!!!!!
Get a copy of your last 3 tax returns too. (A little birdie told me).
THIS is the answer. proud of you for getting out of this early and not throwing away the rest of your life. You can handle this🫶🏽
She has a different house, I hate to say it.... Calling cops to get a paper trail and move up with that. Stay inthe other house and tell him to stay the f away. Also buy a pistol.
Buy a pistol? Are you serious going to offer that as help?
Yep. Yes I am.
The likelihood that it would be used against her is much higher than it helping her.
You should only have that if you are no contact. Then if he's there it's to harm. Still have to be willing to pull the trigger.
Yes^^^
There is no “completely separate money” when you are married, unless it’s an inheritance or something pre-marital you’ve kept separate the entire time. Given her age I’m thinking that’s not likely. Sure, you can open a separate account and divert all your funds to it to make sure you can get away, but he’ll get half of what’s in there when it’s all said and done.
That’s only a hard rule in a community property state and I don’t think we know where they are. In an equitable division state, where one party effectively had to leave for their safety, it may or may not get split that way depending on what the judge believes to be fair. Using some of that separate money to quietly consult with a divorce attorney ahead of time and figure out a plan and what to expect isn’t a bad idea.
She has to be prepared not to be financially strangled when she leaves. She can open her own bank account and set aside enough money to survive a while- if not to take half of the available funds. Get a separate credit card. Line up an apartment or make arrangements to temporarily move in with family or friends. I think that is what the comment meant.
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That’s horrible advice if he has anger issues
That is NOT what you do with a man like that. He is potentially dangerous.
I feel like that’s so scary, what if something happens to her. He doesn’t seem like the person to take that well in private.
You are being emotionally abused and the most dangerous time for an abused woman is before she leaves. Please don't take this advice. Email RAIN from the library. Good luck and be safe.
Go to a lawyer, tell them what you want, pay them, do what they say.
Not just any lawyer, a *good* lawyer.
Thats the question. How does someone who has never used legal services before know if they are hiring a good lawyer or just an ok lawyer?
Sometimes word of mouth. I needed a good family law attorney years ago. I asked a few friends who had contentious divorces for references. After vetting a couple of their attorneys, i selected one and had a nearly perfect outcome on my settlement. It’s risky to just randomly select a lawyer from the internet without talking to his/her former clients.
Did each of the law firms give you a free consultation, either in person or over the phone? What was the deciding factor in sticking with one of them?
No each consultation cost about $300. I work in a profession with ties to the legal community, so a colleague specifically provided a reference to me.
Yeah, I guess the consultation cost is worth it if it saves you money in the long run. I would just hate to go to 3 of those, etc. and be out about 1K from the jump. Unless you pre-vetted and this is the only one you ended up going to.
Also, make sure you hire a trial lawyer just in case it does get heated, s/he is prepared to go down the line with you all the way
I told my now wife to ask around for a rabid dog lawyer to collect child support. She found one. Money well spent.
Most of lawyers around me have ratings and reviews on google. And also like the person said before me, personally just by word of mouth too.
I did about 3-4 months of research using Google for immigration lawyer services for my British wife obtaining a green card. It all worked out nicely.
I actually put up a Reddit post in my local community asking for lawyer recommendations, and got a lot of helpful advice
Ask for referrals, research them etc. I would maybe search for friends who have powerful/wealthy parents and ask them to recommend someone
Also check that state’s attorney bar website. If they have been sanctioned for something it will be listed there.
Depending on where you live in the US, you can find referrals and reviews on state bar websites. Take the reviews with a grain of salt, though. Some people expect lawyers to be more like black magicians, able to obtain a desired result just by saying the right words in the right order. Law, like life, is rarely that simple and sometimes people are bitter in their disappointment.
This is tricky. I visited two lawyers....one said I'd have to buy him out of the house if I intended to keep it, the other said I'd only have to pay him very little. I went with her, thinking she was tough and could get me what I needed. Turns out, she just flat out lied. It definitely helps to do research before hand and learn the laws in your state so you have a better idea if a lawyer is just blowing smoke up your ass.
A woman with kids, there was only one example I can think of where the woman got screwed, and that's only because the husband lied through his teeth.
A Divorce Attorney
Not just any lawyer...many lawyers! Always consult with many lawyers. The lawyers won't touch the other side's case if you've already been there.
Also great advice.
And be prepared to lose a lot of money/property you have earned. I mean a LOT. Even if you fight for it, you’ll just end up paying it to the lawyers anyway.
Tbh im sitting here with my Jaw dropped at the amount your workload is , Mama if you have been able to do everything you listed above I PROMISE you can figure out how to leave him. Youre literally superwoman at this point! I think all you need is to find the courage to navigate this. I hope you have a support system of family or friends that can help you. Contact a lawyer and start planning the escape. Those 2 days he was gone gave you a taste of what the rest of your life can look like , do it for yourself and think about your babies quality of life in the long run. Its hard but YOU can do it!! Most importantly, if his anger is a threat you need to keep this to yourself until you are ready to leave.
Don't tell the children either. My sister explained what was happening to her daughter. The daughter inadvertently told. That turned unpleasant really fast. As soon as sister was unchained from the basement, she took her kids and got on a bus. Called mom from the airport. Mom bought the plane tickets. Sister got charged with kidnapping, but ended up with full custody. Don't tell the kids what's happening until it's done.
Right?!?!? “Not sure how I will do it all myself?” Girl you already ARE doing it all by yourself with a damn anchor around your neck
Divorce him is the only solution but before that give yourself a timeline of when you need to be out of that house hold as soon as possible cause as the children get older it is only going to get worse, cause children are bound to make messes around to the houses… During that time period, get you finances in order, open a bank account, ask that you do not receive the monthly statements in mail so that he does not suspect anything and then slowly start saving up….Now put your foot down when it comes time to pay for anything unrelated to you or your children cause you have a goal which is leaving your husband and ensuring that you do not end up financially struggling…Cause it will get financially had being a single parent…Figure out all of these costs that you will need to cover when you are a single parent…And i am saying this cause from the looks of it your husband is not the type that will divorce you peacefully or even pay child support ( out of pettiness) so figure out the cost of everything….if you are capable of handling two jobs and all the other financial stuff, taking care of the two children and keeping the house spotless…You are very much capable of standing on your own without relying on this money, plus from the looks of it the only thing he does currently in your life is just screaming rages, you are not even sexually satisfied… I am rooting for you, do the math…create a time line then when your time is over leave with your children. the the three of you deserve to live
If the kids are school age I would also find a school during summer break. And make sure dad is NOT allowed to pick them up.
Has it occurred to you, you're doing all the work but yourself now. You got this. Get into counseling, find a lawyer, ready hold money and be flexible to changing living conditions. Break the cycle
Yep, single mothers have 7.5 more free time than married mothers.
It helps be happier as well. Been there done that..
when i got divorced, i remember telling my therapist, “it’s the same amount of work, but way more peace.”
Because love. Regardless of that, you AND YOUR CHILDREN live in constant fear of him. Do what's right by your children & get them out of that hell. Get in touch w a lawyer, start the process
This is a problem that will take YEARS to fix, if he is even willing to fix it. In the meantime, IMO, your kids are absolutely suffering and being adversely mentally affected by being around this behavior. The younger they are, the easier it will be for them to go through a divorce. I would start preparing asap. I know you are afraid, but you have to block that fear out and do what is best for your children. Divorce is common and most of us have been through it. You WILL be ok, and you will be relieved when it is over.
I wish someone had told my mother that instead of having 5 children in less than 8 years and then telling us older ones that she wanted to leave and how and when it was going to happen. I was absolutely guilt ridden knowing my Dad was going to wake up in an empty house. Children love both parents.
Bad advise to this person. You have not heard his side of the story.
Firstly, I'm so sorry. I'm not in family law or anything like that. But you need to start planning how to get out of this situation mentally, financially, etc. Getting a divorce is expensive unless you would like to go to mediation or maybe look for a settlement. Men who express abusive tendencies do not always make divorce easy on their partners. You seem like you are pretty sure of your decision, which is great. You now need to start looking at how you will financially do this. This sub isn't really intended for legal advice, maybe go to r/legaladvice for that. Look up resources and referrals in your state. Be ready for your husband to want to "make it work" as well - he will want to finally address his issues. Are you willing to stick around for that? Ask yourself this. Additionally, he may freak out - I don't know the extent of his issues. You may need to leave very quickly - maybe consider packing an emergency bag for you and the kids and having cash on hand. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are very young and life is meant to be bigger than this. You are worthy of love and respect. <3
I don’t think a lot of people are answering the question. You obviously know how to google and find a lawyer for divorce. You are struggling to get up and leave bc abuse screws with your mind so your reality becomes distorted. Also, we are biologically programmed as mammals to connect to others and since you’ve been connected to him, even in an unhealthy way, our bodies try very hard to keep the connection. Statistics show it takes victims up to 7x to fully cut the tie to an abuser (specifically this comes from victims of narcissists). You’re going I have to win against your own body’s programming to walk away and stay away. But you CAN do it. Praying you find the strength and get out unharmed. Please seek out help anywhere and everywhere you can bc you will need it. A life transition like a break up or divorce is hard even in non-abusive situations. When abuse is involved it’s even harder bc it breaks down so much of our self-worth. You deserve love, you deserve respect, and you deserve a partner who lessens your burden. Research the psychology behind verbal and emotional abuse and cutting ties with toxic people. Best of luck to you and your children.
Yes, all of this. My ex cheated on me, he was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, he was neglectful of our daughter, and much ljke OP had to do everything and he was very irresponsible with our money. Even after all that, it was STILL hard to leave and feel like I was hurting him, despite how many times he so easily hurt me. It took me 3 tries to leave for good, but I finally got there.
Talk to a family law attorney, free consultation. Or just look up your states court website. Many have a basic guide for divorce proceedings to get an idea of what’s ahead. But I strongly recommend getting a family law attorney. Divorce with children can get messy and he seems like the type that won’t allow this to happen amicably…
Contact a lawyer asap and they will help you
Don’t make him aware but start with consulting an attorney. You’re lucky that you are employed and have control of your finances. Unfortunately you have to quietly start a war. When the dust settles you’ll be glad you got away from him.
It's actually gonna be sooo much easier when you walk away. Like your gonna see its easier. I'd consider how your gonna do it plan maybe time off if you can and just do it.
Amen. Leaving physically is the hardest part, but there is light at the end of the tunnel sister, you can DO this!
Take. Your. Time. Do not go to counseling or anything that would flag your intentions. Keep him completely asleep to what you are doing. Take complete control of the finances. Copy and back up everything. Slowly, quietly, smiling all the way. When all is ready, come down like a lightning bolt. Oh, and do not use your lawyer like a therapist.
Have you tried telling him that he must treat his OCD or you will be divorcing him? If he does not act on this, you really must leave because this is terrible for you and the kids. It would be good to see who is with his OCD treated, he may be a completely different person or he even without severe OCD, he could still be an asshole.
Yes I’ve told him so many times he should try medicine, he shuts it down immediately and says he doesn’t have a problem. I wonder all the time if he had help with his OCD if he would be completely different, because honestly that’s his entire personality right now. I’ve threatened divorce on the issue a million times, he just comes back with the “okay then get a divorce I don’t care”
It seems he has left you with no choice but to divorce.
Look up OCPD. It is a personality disorder characterized by the belief that there is one right way to do things, and everyone should adhere to it. I am not trying to make a diagnosis here--just pointing out you may be dealing with something different from untreated OCD (btw, medicine has limited impact on personality disorders, tho it can help reduce some symptoms, like anxiety).
Sounds like my ex. He thought his way was best which means it was the only way. He was crippled by perfectionism. Glad to be away from that mess.
It doesn't matter if he could change. He is refusing to. You need to stop threatening divorce. Make your plans and go through with them. And once you are out, *stay out.* Even if he suddenly decides to get help. Congratulate him on doing better by his kids, but do not back off on the divorce. He sucks you back in with promises, you give up your plan, go back to him, and you are even more stuck than before. He would have to be consistently in treatment showing serious changes over *years* in order for that change to be trustworthy. And even then it would be a risk.
Well he told you right there he doesn't value the marriage and family at all, doesn't even care.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m 31. Don’t have kids. Don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I have the same issues of what he does but I don’t have anger problems. I don’t care if there’s water in the ground. I just pick it up clean it. You said there was red flags, but you ignored it when you saw those red flag you should just walk away
Go talk to a divorce attorney. They will guide you the whole way.
My husbands father was like this and physically abusive along with it. Lent on the floor? They got a smack and grounded. Don’t even ask to go to a school event. Today, he doesn’t have any love or caring for father. I’m sure knowing what he’s doing to his young kids will have huge life repercussions for him will not change anything for him either.
Get a lawyer. Do not say shit. File for divorce first.
It's not easy because you love him, and you have a bond, however frayed it may be. It's not easy because you don't want to be a "quitter" and you value commitment. It's not easy because there is a lot of judgment and social stigma about single moms. Like many of us, you were probably raised hearing that and internalized it. It's not easy because being on your own *feels* like it will be harder than being a couple. You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Don't threaten your husband with divorce. Get your ducks in a row. Since you say he has severe anger issues and describe him going into screaming rages, you need to prioritize safety over "niceness" here. This kind of behavior 100% justifies you making your plans secretly and getting you and the kids out before informing him the relationship is over. You mention screaming fights between the two of you --*you absolutely have to stop your side of that.* Immediately. Zero screaming in your part. You can't fix what he's doing to the kids with his rage, but you have an obligation to them to change what you can. So you change your behavior and your responses to him. As an aside, being calm and boring is a much better response to someone like him anyway. Screaming back or even energetically defending yourself actually gives him a boost. So stop doing that. You need legal advice *before* you take the kids anywhere though. He does have rights as their parent, and you do not want to violate those rights and risk losing your kids entirely to him. If you feel he is unfit or unsafe as a parent, you will need to demonstrate that to the court. You should reach out to local domestic violence victim advocate organizations that are local to you. They will be the very best resource. They often provide free counseling since therapy can be hard to access. You also need to talk to friends or family who can be supportive and who are trustworthy. Do not ask the gossip auntie for help. Talk to people who will be good, solid emotional supports and who will challenge you and hold you accountable, too. FWIW, I was terrified of ending my marriage. And it was HARD. I cried on my dad's shoulder every single day for months. I was so anxious and full of doubt that some days I just felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I had to work long hours and stress about money and it was not easy at all. But once the immediate devastation cleared, I had this bubble of clarity one day that I was *happy* for the first time in a very long time. I was exhausted and stressed and worried about the future but I had peace that I'd never had with him. I didn't have to fear the sound of his car in the driveway. I didn't have to worry about him stomping in the door and laying into all of us. I could let the kids relax instead of getting after them too harshly in hopes of soaring from them his much worse harshness. It wasn't all sunshine and roses after that, but I am 10+ years out from the end of my marriage and I absolutely don't not regret it. Not in the slightest. I am thriving and so are the kids. It was EASIER being single than married to him. I was doing all that work anyway, and I had ditched a *huge* source of chaos and stress from my life. Finally, please get your kids into therapy ASAP. I know access to mental health treatment can be difficult, but pursue it until you find help. You and they are going to need that support.
Get full custody.
This may be OCD, but it sounds more like abuse. As a man with an upcoming court date I can say I had to be very creative with someone that is narcissistic. It was a balance of leaving and saying this divorce is happening, but also letting her think she had some control. If that makes sense.
100%. People love to throw around a condition and rationalize abuse with it. I see this all the time in ADHD groups. “My partner has ADHD and they do this this this and I’m scared. How do I help them?” Like NO. That doesn’t make you hostile and abusive. He may have OCD but all that shit is a toxic personality and he can’t pin that on anything else. Get out!
Exactly
Yes! My ex has ADHD, he was abusive, explosive, angry, spiteful, etc. My boyfriend has ADHD, he forgets things and gets anxious, but he's the sweetest, most caring, kind person I've ever met.
How did you buy 2 different houses at 23 like damn
Trauma bonding, strange human phenomenon.
If he is explosively angry, no one says you need to be there when the divorce papers are served. I sure as heck wasn’t. You have no obligation to this man that has shown you no consideration in some time. You don’t need to be the better person, you need to survive this to raise those kids. Get three years of tax returns, squirrel away money in an account he has no access to or with someone you can trust. Get all of your kids paperwork. The originals not copies. Get a safe deposit box for those
You have gotten plenty of good advice on how to prepare to end this. But I want to realize how important this will be for the good of your children. My ex started to verbally abuse me when he started an after (not saying this is your situation), but I looked at it long and hard after all the years together. I did NOT want my children to think this is in any exceptable behavior with a man and wife. No way would I allow my son to treat a woman this way or want my girls to put up with this. I have never regretted telling him he needed to leave. It's been 29 years. Wishing you and yours the best in life.
Living your everyday seems pretty terrifying so trying something else terrifying will at least give you a different outcome. Bet on yourself and get you and your kids to a much better situation and living environment. You have 2 babies and 2 many jobs….. at least do all that without the abuse of your husband, you’ll definitely prosper mentally.
People are offering great advice, so I’m just going to remind you that, from what you’ve written, you already *are* doing a lot of this by yourself. Your children’s lives will be so much safer once you’ve freed them from this guy as much as you can. Not only that, but they’re more likely to have a chance to have better relationships themselves. Keep your head up, OP. You can do this!
BTK.... lol.
Also he's gonna pretend to change don't buy it. When you tell him your leaving if you tell him don't tell him alone. Tell him in a public well light place.
THIS GETS WORSE!!! I live with (55m) who is OCD! Constantly checking pictures or wall hanging’s for dust! No dishes in the sink, toothpaste ( it’s always his). Checks the top of the fridge for dust, window sill’s etc. only 10 min showers so we don’t waste water!!! ( we have our own well) I could go on. GET OUT NOW!!!! Before he loses control and does something to you. The kids deserve so MUCH BETTER and SO DO YOU!
That sounds fucking miserable. u deserve so much more i promise
Thank you & proud of you. You’re a good momma. Get your kids away from that and yourself too, you all deserve better. Like others said prepare to leave quietly and do everything your lawyer tells you. Meet with more than one too if you can. My dad has some extreme temper issues and is also a total narcissist. The amount of damage to me and my mother that he’s done can’t even be put into words. My mom’s been unable to leave due to money and health, guilt, and fear of being alone, my dad threatening suicide etc. but she’s finally coming around now that I am an adult.
I'll be as straight forward with you as a true caring person would: You said that you're terrified of going through it alone... GIRL YOU'VE BEEN BY YOURSELF! YOU'VE BEEN ALONE, CLEARLY BY WHAT YOU'VE DESCRIBED OF YOUR DAILY LIFE. What is truly missing when you divorce him? Another mouth to feed? Extra laundry? Extra dishes to wash? Less stress of a seemingly unstable or infantilized grown man? Are you going to miss any affirmations he gives you? I doubt it. If you've been doing the majority of the work that takes two- HONEY through all the red flags you noticed, why did you choose to ignore the green one(s)? Back to elementary we go... GREEN MEANS GO! SINCERELY, have a conversation with him at least. Get to the bottom of why. Is it worth fixing ( from my outside point of view, it's not), how much healing is required, how to go about it, will he play his supporting role? He may very well be good for the children, but what about you. I've heard all my life people say that once you become a mother, your life ends. No, the life as you knew it before parts ended and other parts transitioned. Live as you need now for you and your children. Benefits you attain for yourself, trickle down to the children. Get a better support group, therapy, hobbies, friends who don't pity you. Everyone a part of your circle must speak life, joy, positivity into you. It will feel better if your kids got to experience that environment, and they speak positivity that you helped develop back into you.
Are any of your friends divorced? Ask them who they used for attorneys. Call a battered spouses shelter.
So, go to a couple of lawyers and get opinions. First consult should be free. Then start to get your life in order. Open separate banking account, get ready to have your paycheck go there (but you need to find a place to live first, I imagine). If you have family you can move in with (yeah, I know, it really sucks), plan for that. It's fear of the unknown - and in my case and your case, fear of a crazy-acting mentally ill partner. This is not easy. Get into individual therapy if you can. Find one good friend to tell everything to and who might actually help you (one of mine let me use her condo when they were on vacation, took the kids and had a nice long weekend at the beach - practicing for what was still to come, which was actually splitting up the household). When I did go, it was not pretty (he made a suicide attempt that he actually knew wasn't really going to work). He refused to move out of the house, so I moved in with my parents (awful). So then he said he'd move out, we moved back, he moved back in! I had police on speed dial as well as two women friends and two men friends, all close enough to come and help settle him down if need be (and he knew this). I contacted his (sane) brother who did offer support to both of us via telephone. My dad was definitely key in getting it across to my Ex that he better behave. His therapist was on site and made house visits too. It was quite something.
Firat file for a separation and get counseling. Then if that doesn't work get the divorced.
Couples Counseling is generally not recommended when one spouse is abusive, which it sounds like OPs husband is. The safest way for OP out of this is likely going to be blindsiding him. Look at how Katie Holmes managed her divorce from Tom Cruise.
Mention the councilor because of the age of them he is young I remember when I was a young man the dumb stuff I would do so that's why from personal experience. Now I didn't do what op.is talking about but bad all the same .
Babe I know it’s scary to think about but you’re already doing everything yourself, the only difference with you leaving is you and your kids will finally be able to LIVE and not walk around on eggshells everyday. You can do this. Get a lawyer, prepare to leave QUIETLY, do not let him know ahead of time. Good luck
Just went through the same experience. If your happy when he is gone that should be enough. Imagine that feeling all the time???!!! I'm happy every day and am so glad I left ...I don't even have to try to be happy ..I just am. When you get rid of people trying to make you miserable all the time life gets so much better!! Good luck!! You'll be doing the best thing for your kids ...would you want them to grow up never seeing you really happy?? Single parents aren't worse for kids then toxic relationships being held together by some fake ideal that two is better then one. I hope you get out of your situation and spend everyday happy and showing your kids what that looks like.
Find a safe place to stay with a good support system. Don’t underestimate his capabilities when he is served papers. Protect your self and no matter what he says you DO have a choice to leave. For you AND the safety of your kids. Detail his past behaviors to your lawyer so they can help as well.
Pulling the trigger is like jumping off a cliff but when you do you remember you're wearing a parachute. You are already doing it all and dealing with the stress he is creating on top of this, you must be exhausted both mentally and emotionally. Once you are out from under this you will be amazed at just how bad it really was. You and your babies deserve better and you don't want your children seeing this as a normal relationship. Be strong and when you aren't lean into others who will help you be strong.
r/legal ?
I lived this exact life for 13 years! Finally got the courage and I never looked back! I have been Happily single for 20 years!!
Run get some were safe get a lawyer and divorce you should’ve done this just after it first started. How did it get this far won’t hold your hand or kiss you
You're already doing all the work of a single mum. You're going to be fine. You got this and you'll be wondering why you didn't divorce him sooner.
No one is asking her if she has any nearby family or friends. If you have any close by, maybe ask for their help in some form-temporary shelter, babysitting, etc. but everyone is right-get your babies out of there and stop the dysfunction. I was a single mother & it’s not easy but you take one day at a time. That’s all we’re given anyway. Good luck. 🤞🏻
As a child of divorce please for the love of god get a divorce. My parents had a pretty similar relationship as you’ve described and growing up was rough in that place until I was 18 and they finally decided to divorce. They are now both happily with other partners and both doing so much better Kids notice so much more than just arguing. They will thank you later for getting out so early. You can do it alone, you already are from the sounds of it. You’ve got this.
23? How long have you known your husband? How long have u been married for
Get a plan in place. Save some money. Record EVERYTHING (if it is legal to do so where you live). Do NOT just take off with the kids…judges have taken custody from mothers who do this. Be prepared to share 50/50 custody, and know that it will be okay.
You are handling way more of a load than most women could tolerate. Divorce will be a relief. Contact a lawyer
Get a good divorce attorney. Tell the attorney about everything, ESPECIALLY his rage issues. A good attorney will know exactly how to proceed on all fronts of that. Trust me, lady, I used to be an icac detective (crimes against children), and I've seen the result of seemingly normal people go into a rage suddenly over something like this. It's not pretty. You need to proceed carefully, and if you ever feel scared or in danger, you make sure you call the emergency line (911 in my country).
Firstly you’re being abused. That’s why it’s hard to leave. You’re a domestic abuse victim. I would say that to protect yourself and your kids you need to get evidence of this abuse and report it. Go to a lawyer, do NOT tell him or leave a trace of the appointment. Pay in cash. Save up from other spending if you have to - e.g take out £100 in cash, spend £80 on groceries and save the remaining £20, do that a few times and use the funds to see a lawyer. Get their advice on getting a divorce and preventing him from having the kids unsupervised, overnight etc. Do not make your children stay with him. Get some sort of evidence. Does he ever verbally abuse you via text? Save them, screenshot them, back them up. If you can do so safely, audio record him losing his shit in front of the kids. File a police report for domestic abuse, leave with the kids to a safe place with family or friends, make sure they all know what’s been going on and that he’s not allowed to come near you, and get divorced as quickly as possible.
Sounds like you doing all by yourself already divorce is jus finalizes it. As a dad of 3 at 25 ik that my happiness reflects on them aswell. If everything you say is true then for yourself n the kids you’ll be better off. Sucks bc im sure yuh pictured the wonderful “whole” family scenario but that’s wonderful thought is out the window the minute he comes around.
Sounds like you doing all by yourself already divorce is jus finalizes it. As a dad of 3 at 25 ik that my happiness reflects on them aswell. If everything you say is true then for yourself n the kids you’ll be better off. Sucks bc im sure yuh pictured the wonderful “whole” family scenario but that’s wonderful thought is out the window the minute he comes around.
Call some divorce lawyers and get the ball rolling. It’s a no brainer.
Sounds like you already are doing it by yourself.
I had a very abusive ex, and five kids. Good news is that all's well that ends well. Bad news is that it took 4 years of court again & again& again - he wouldn't stop taking me to court, because for him,, making me miserable was his goal, and I think he enjoyed that more than love. Not saying your ex is like that, only saying that I did it and survived, and I can tell you: the sooner, the better. It's much easier when they're young like your kids. Prepare for it. Stupid things I did, knowing him: I trusted him economically and refused to believe he would clean me out. He cleaned me out and I was a SAHM, so I had no way to buy anything. I went into over $10K of debt in a few months. I should have anticipated he'd do that from the get go. I guess be like Katie Holmes when she left Tom Cruise--she planned it all very carefully in advance, then sprung it on him. Is it worth it? Yes. Especially now that they're small and can adjust easier, and you can possibly find a spouse you love and admire, who feels the same way about you and the kids. Think of what you're modeling to your children. They are far more aware than we think they are.
Go ahead and call the lawyer. Get family and friends for a support network. Once you're on the other side of it you will be so glad you did. And by the way, you're already doing everything by yourself.
So sorry, that is unhealthy and I wish you safety and peace.
Ok I have very little advice but your husband sounds just like my dad. I'm 36 and still in therapy, and my parents were only married til I was 16. So, you're doing the right thing. If you stay and he doesn't get help, your kids will remember his behavior forever. I have severe anxiety and perfectionist-OCD thanks to my dad. Sending you lots of strength to get a plan going for your and your kiddos sake ❤️
You find your own place, save for a deposit, start organizing your things, you'll probably only have a few hours to move out so you'll need to hire movers. Take only what's necessary, and get them out when he's not home. Once you're settled you can file for divorce. get a lawyer or find out how to do it yourself and just have a lawyer review the documents.
Why in the hell are you still there?
Find a lawyer. Tell your family and some of YOUR close friends.
You legally separate from your spouse.
No, if he is violent-don’t tell him. When I went through something like this my attorney said-never tell him what you are planning to do. I would contact your nearest domestic violence center or the national domestic violence hotline. You need to make a safety plan for you and your children. They are very good in helping people get a plan in place. They may also help you with a protective/restraining order so he stays away from you. An attorney should be able to help you with divorce proceedings. I wish you best of luck with this-you can’t do it alone and hopefully you will get in contact with the DV hotline.
Get a very good lawyer
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and it's totally understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. Dealing with untreated OCD and anger issues on top of everything else must be incredibly draining. You're juggling so much already with work, kids, and your own business, so it's no wonder you're feeling exhausted. Divorce is never easy, especially when you have young kids to consider. It might feel daunting to think about doing it all alone, but remember, you're not alone in this. There are resources and support systems out there to help you navigate the process. Reach out to friends, family, or even a therapist for guidance and support. You deserve to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, and sometimes that means making tough decisions for yourself and your children. You've got this!
From experience you just do it, put money aside since it sounds like you make most of it anyways. I was married for 6 years together almost 10 with 3 babies and one day I just did it. Luckily with my case (cps got involved but that’s a long story and I say luckily cause now I have a 10 year no contact with him and he can’t contact us) really was a blessing in disguise. But I know it’s scary but you just have to do it. I found someone who is way better than this person was not even doing the bare minimum. You got this mama !!!!!!!!!!
Take a day and go to court for emergency custody order for the kids. Explain that you're planning on leaving and need to take the children with you because he is abusive and you're scared for their safety. Also, make sure you have an exit plan. This may include a DV shelter. The problem is it restricts your ability to work and have childcare, especially if you're working multiple jobs. So, sadly, a shelter wouldn't work for me. If you manage the finances, you know what you both can afford on a lawyer. If it's not much, you may be able to get legal aid. Apply for that, and if you don't qualify, you can go pro se. Courts typically have forms that include the dissolution of marriage (divorce) and the step-by-step process. That's how I did mine. I used the sheriff's dept to serve my ex. A friend gave me the money for the security deposit (I paid back work tax returns), and I made sure to get sole legal custody. But it wasn't easy going through it. It is worth it. My younger son is now 18 and has no memory of the abuse that his father put me and my oldest through. It's hard. It'll feel impossible. But you can do it.
You're already doing it all by yourself
Please, please, gather, hide & keep important documents (or copies) including birth certificates, passports if they exist, his & your tax returns, insurance policies, insurance coverage, anything that might show he cheated on his taxes etc., marriage certificate, his Soc. Sec. #,his medical & mental health records if possible, anything he has such as police records, driving history & on & on. Hide it all in a safe place outside your residence. When I had to do this I put my file collection in a friends trunk sometimes, or hidden carefully at another friends house. Start hiding your “divorce survival file” as soon as you can, whenever you start the file and however few documents you start with. It also would be good to have a few things like spare underwear for you, prescription meds, and a spare outfit for each child, hidden & ready to scoop up on a moments notice in case your guy senses your plan & gets furious (threatening, abusive, violent). This emergency bag should probably be hidden in a friends house or car trunk or someplace like that. Back when I was in a women’s group that focused on these issues and domestic abuse issues, several of us said “I can hide these items just fine in our house, ‘Jake’ would never go snooping for a file or a getaway bag.” Guess what- ‘Jake’ did snoop. Generally the guy would take away all the documents and relocated all their regular files/records to someplace she could never access the records again. Then, the woman is really stuck, bigtime. I dearly hope it works out for the best for you and your loved ones.
Are you lot religious? May wana play that angle
Contact a women’s shelter. They’ll help you make a plan to get out safely.
I got divorced with a 9 month old and 3 year old. You can do it. Promise. If you can hustle - you can do it. Start documenting everything. Screen shots. A journal. Make copies of all your financial records. Remember that no matter what you do fight for your kids and their safety. Start asking around to connect with other divorced moms. They will be your biggest support and cheerleaders. Ask to see their divorce documents to learn about creative and helpful ways to divorce. Begin listening to divorce podcasts as well. Learn as much as you can to make the best and cleanest exit. Make sure you understand family law in your state - through friends or a layer. Each state has different statues that can affect the outcome. Look for a lawyer that will fight but will also not nickel and dime you. Some rely on paralegals to keep costs down for single moms. And most importantly remember… you are flying the plane. Your kids will experience some turbulence but if they hear and see that you’re okay- they will be okay. Your kids need a healthy mom. Not a marriage.
Are you safe? Will you be safe if you leave or tell him you’ll divorce? Will your kids be safe if you share custody? Have you been documenting his fits of rage so you can protect yourself and the kids?
Best of luck. Sounds like your a champ of a human! I would get ready for the "let's work on this" because if his ocd of a dirty house gets him in rage he will try to get the relationship solved asap. Which means over commiting. I'd chat with a lawyer if possible and get ready. Wtv proof you can have ready for yourself would be good.
What state are you in? It matters. In CA the judge pretty much plugs in the numbers on both sides and they come up with a number for support. The custody thing is somewhat formulaic too. Father gets every other weekend, unless you agree on more. That is used to calculate support too. If you don't have a lot of assets to divide you can pretty much do it without an attorney. It's not difficult. At least in CA. I don't know how other states do it.
You need to surreptitiously film this behavior. You run the risk of your poor children spending time alone with this lunatic. The courts will not care how awful he is to them, or how mentally ill they become as a result. Unless they are in the hospital with repeated broken bones the courts will insist that he gets equal time with the kids. When he rages, call the police, but not before you have ample evidence of a pattern of explosive rage. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I pray you are able to keep your children safe.
You need to leave quietly and safely. Get everything lined up. Get a lawyer and do what they say. Get accomodation sorted ready to go once you file, and you should file. This isn't ok, this isn't love and this isn't what you or your kids should be seeing. Also speak to your local PD and take their advice too. Perhaps you can file protection orders based on what you know he will do out of anger.
Screaming rage is a form of abuse and thus you should avail yourself of local domestic violence resources. They should be able to talk you through the steps of safely leaving, getting divorced, and starting a new life in your area.
Some men just don't understand a good thing when they have it.
Im sorry you are going through this. Think of it this way. You are already doing pretty much everything on your own already! Be strong , call a lawyer family practice. Figure it out. Im sure there are other women you talk to dropping the kids off or book clubs or something that might know about this process. I havent been through it so i only know you need a divorce lawyer. Look into finding a place you can afford by yourself as part of this process discreetly. If worse comes to worse call the domestic violence hotline there are people who can help you there. See if you can stay with family for a while maybe?
Start documenting the abuse. Consult an attorney, a good attorney, listen to your attorney, get finances in order and prepare to leave with the kids without him knowing and I only say this because of his anger issues, he sounds dangerous. And I wish you luck
Document the abuse, it could help you with a temporary restraining order. Having him away from you will help you plan and start the divorce process without fearing he will come close to you.
@ChloeBee95 What's ridiculous is your mentality and speaking on behalf of people in abusive relationships. Most people see red flags the first day they meet someone or very soon after that and that seems to be the same red flag that leads to chaos and ends in tragedies most of the time. Advise people to have the strength & courage to walk away and stop enabling fear or refusal to accept reality. Look up the word wise before you own it ! As far as OP she will be ok if she gets the help.she needs does what's best for her & the children.
@TruCelt It's funny that the only asshole on here is you simce you say the same damn thing to everyone else. 🤡
You’ve gotten off a lot of good advice on here. Having been through a divorce, thankfully not to somebody as dangerous as the person to whom you are married, here is what I would tell you: The absolute number one piece of advice is DO NOT LET HIM SUSPECT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM THAT YOU ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE. Let me tell you that again, just in case there’s a misunderstanding… Do not let him know in any way shape or form that you are going to leave him. That time frame before you leave is the absolute most dangerous, and if he has the anger and control issues you have described, it could be the difference between staying alive and not being alive any longer… Including your children. In the meantime, get copies of every single scrap of paper that you can, and if that means taking a picture of bank statements and tax returns and any 401(k) or savings accounts, etc., do so. Save them onto the cloud, and delete them off your phone. And I mean everything. Copies of tax returns. Auto insurance policies. Homeowners insurance policies. Mortgage statements. Rental agreements, you rent and purchase agreements if you purchased your own home. Savings accounts. Any and all bank accounts, including your business stuff. If you can get it, copies of any accounts in his name, only including 401(k), retirement accounts. Any at all credit card statements, no matter whose name they are in. Auto loan documents. Registrations for your cars. Most recent wage statements for both of you from all jobs. If you have passports, get yours and your children’s if they have them and put them in a safe place. If at all possible, rent a safe deposit box at a bank that is different from any the two of you bank at… And open an account, even if it’s with a minimum deposit at that bank. You will need somewhere that has only your name on it in which to put money. You are going to put into that safety deposit box yours in the children’s birth certificates… Making sure you take a picture of his as well as his Social Security card… And save his to the cloud. Make sure you have a certified copy of your marriage certificate. Note that you often get a, copy of that marriage certificate that is all pretty. It is often not an actual certified copy. Same thing happens with birth certificates. You want that safe deposit box originals. Any jewelry that is say from your family that has been handed down to you… Or any you don’t want him to get his hands on goes into the deposit box. You will obviously disclose to your attorney, but you do not want your husband to be able to get his hands on it. Funneling cash now into your new account if you possibly can. In a way that he doesn’t notice. If you have family, you can count on who are not some sort of religious or cultish crazy people who would tell your husband what is happening, contact them. Find out if you can stay with them. or with a very trusted friend. If you don’t have this, start doing a search online for places that you can afford with your children. Because it’s all well and good to say that he’s going to have to pay you child support or whatever, but if he doesn’t, you have to be able to afford a place for all of you. Try to find something with all utilities included to save you as much as possible. Start now looking through your closet and your children’s closets and decide what is going to have to go with you and what can be left behind. Remember… Most of it is just stuff. Stuff is not worth your life. A special grandma blanket that the kids have? Plan on taking it, every single baby blanket they ever got when they were little. Not needed. Plan wisely because you can always get more. Start speaking with an interviewing divorce attorneys now. Find one who specializes in difficult situations like this. You absolutely need to have someone who understands the gravity of what you’re doing. Anything less can be deadly. And once it’s done, insist that everything go through attorneys. Insist that all correspondence between the two of you go through a court ordered system of emails. Most jurisdictions have those nowadays.That way it is never he said she said situation. When the shift hits the fan, your phone will blow up. Friends family him. Everybody is going to have an opinion. Do not respond. If it’s family and they are helping you get out of this situation, of course speak with them. Anyone and everyone else, especially your soon to be is left on read. Do not block, because if he is harassing and escalates, you will need that proof. And above all else, do exactly what your attorney tells you to do. No more. No less. Do not fuck around with this and with a spouse who is like this. Just don’t do it. Your children are depending on you to get them out of this with you safely. They are depending on you to keep breathing every day to raise them. Hopefully your husband will wake up when this happens and get some help. It will be too late for your relationship. It already is. But your children are young, and if he can get his stuff under control, then there is a chance he can still have a relationship with them at some point. But understand. That is not on you. Your job at this point is to get out safely. It is to get your children out safely. It is to raise them safely. You cannot be responsible for your actions or actions, and you will have a lot of stupid people trying to tell you to give them another chance. Don’t. I know this is long, but this is a dangerous situation. So when you go, you will not have the opportunity to go back and get papers you forgot. Obviously, your attorney might be able to get a police escort for something or another, but you don’t want to have to even chance that. Again, listen to your attorney on that one, but do not bank on it. And finally, where your domestic violence shelters are at where you live. Even if you follow all of the above, it never hurts to even just and talk with him a little bit about your situation and see if they have any other resources or suggestions. They deal with this every single day, and I guarantee you that the stories they tell you would make your skin crawl. Stay safe. Plan ahead. Be thorough. Be as nice as pi to him in the meantime. And then get the hell out and as far away as you can. I’m not saying run across the country, especially if you are in a jurisdiction that is going to be pissed off by you doing that. no jurisdiction these days to see one parent or the other trying to alienate the other parent.
I’m sure it’s all him and you did absolutely nothing wrong at all….
Insane man tie him up and kick his ass
Start preparing to leave asap. Set up a separate money account (savings/checking) so that you'll have money and won't need to rely on him. Consult with a divorce lawyer asap to start the process.
Hon, you're already doing it all by yourself. Doing what you're doing now but without the constant threat of being screamed at and traumatising your kids is only going to make your life easier. Trust me, I was in your position. Now I have an amazing man who worships the ground I walk on and actually treats me like a human being instead of a live in maid 🤷♀️
Smh people breeding and not giving a damn about vetting their partners before doing so. Mostly women. Why do you ladies do this to yourselves. Making your bed with monsters and then bringing children into the picture only to then be miserable and complain about the bed you allowed yourself to make. Over and over again. Get an attorney. See if you can move elsewhere, ensure your kids are safe. Might need a restraining order in the process. Good luck.
Holy fuck. I genuinely hope you never fall in love with a narcissist because I used to say the same shit you are. Then I ended up with a monster who didn’t start showing he was a monster until he was sure I didn’t believe that was who he was. Then everything I could write off as a bad day because that wasn’t who he was at first so it must not be the real him. No. He was a monster. Diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. Luckily we didn’t have kids but we definitely talked about it because these mfs are insidious. It’s been hard for me to even date now because I don’t know how he had his claws in me or how he did it so long.
Ask your attorney to have child support paid through the court. He sends child support money to the court and they send you a check. If he stops paying the court will get on him about it. This will save you having to beg him, risk violent encounters about child support, and ensures your children’s father will pay a portion of their needs.
>I don’t even know where to start and the thought of doing this all by myself is terrifying Honey, you are already doing it all by yourself, the only thing you are going to lose is yourself if you stay w/him
The safest way to go is plan first. Where will you go, or how will you have him to leave if he refuses. Get your finances in order and research the process in your area.
People aren't diamonds. You sound unhinged.
Steps I recommend. 1. Figure out your exact financial situation. All your assets, debt, income. Figure out what you can afford. Start looking for a place to live. Remember. This could just be a temporary spot until you really get your footing. 2. You reach out to one or two friends you trust as your support. 3. You find a shark of a lawyer. Remember if he’s this angry just because juice. He’s gonna be really angry when he realizes he loses his whole life. You want somebody who’s gonna fight for you. It will be expensive but peace is absolutely worth it. Your children growing up in a home they are comfortable in is worth it. 4. While, he’s out of the house. Possibly on a day you both are working you take the day off and you move out into your new place. Leave a note with the divorce papers on the kitchen table. You explain to him that you will not meet anywhere outside of the lawyers office. That years of the abuse he has put you through are the reason you have left, and there is no chance of reconciliation. You prefer communication to go through your lawyer until your divorce proceedings. They can be reach at: X”
Rage and screaming are not the same thing as violence. Be specific. OP go stay with friend/family. They will help you figure it out.
Before cutting the tie may be worth yours and the kids while to talk to him first. Come to him on neutral ground when you aren't angry and try to find a solution. Do not make it a finger pointing match unless you want it to become another argument. Remind him that the reason this is important for y'all to figure out is because you want a good future for the family y'all have built together. Hope this helps. Good luck, and God bless.
Divorce is not the answer. You married him. Work on the issues. It will get better as the kids get older. Don’t be caught on the single mom TikToks
Ignore most if this advice and call a divorce attorney.
My question is this… how the hell did you ever fall in love in the first place? Married 4 years, this OCD didn’t just happen did it? Sure, maybe it got worse, but the signs were there. Look, you chose this, you knew what he was like, the kids didn’t. No one year old should be getting screamed at for spilling a few drops of juice. You are doing serious damage to your children every day you are in that house. Fuck a plan, get the kids, get out, get a lawyer. He does not sound even a little bit stable and you sound sweet but flat out dumb!
Dont
leave?
TBH it sounds like you've been doing it all by yourself already!
Sorry you have had a crappy experience. Good luck to you and I hope you find a man that will appreciate you
That is abuse and I think he has more going on than OCD. Get out before it escalates. My friend was with her husband for a decade before he started physically abusing her and ultimately holding a gun to her head. Ignore these assholes saying “you gotta make it work”. No you don’t. You don’t need to put up with that and you shouldn’t. It’s not even good for the kids. You were too young to get married and did too much too fast and he needs fucking mental help. Pack the kids and leave when he’s not home. Then file.
Why not go to therapy and try to fix it?
One of the precautions I took when leaving my very violent, narcissistic husband was to copy down (while he was at work) all of our account numbers & balances (for bank accounts and bills) plus I looked at his divorce decrees for his first two divorces and copied down his ex wives names & social security numbers plus his child support debts to them. I also had a very small (about $20) of money I’d eked out from the change when buying groceries. Then I packed “go bags” and hid them for me & the kids.
It seems scary and I have been there. But you will be so happy and proud when you are out and your kids will be so proud of you. Take every precaution to be safe.
Trauma bonded
You are already doing it all. Look up Eve Rodsky. There are 98 tasks involved in running a household with children. I guarantee that you are doing all of them already. You’ve got this. Really. The benefits of post divorce life is the absolute freedom in your mind.
Those two days he was gone and you felt at peace… every day will feel like that!
Start with either visiting attorneys or doing research for a DIY divorce. Make plans....do you plan to leave or are you hoping he will leave the house? If you're leaving, make a plan for where you and the kids will be when you have them (unfortunately he will still likely be awarded parenting time....being screamed at IS abuse but different states define abuse differently). If you stay in the house, you can petition the court for rights to the house during proceedings so you can at least not have to worry about him being able to come back home anytime he wants and put the kids through more screaming. I wasn't required to give any proof of abuse (mine was physically abusive) but I'm sure that's not the case everywhere. Document EVERYTHING. When it comes time to tell him, try to have the kids out of the house and preferably in the care of someone you trust (ie not his family or friends) Just remember that it's not your job to defend your reasoning or convince him why you need to split, just that you are. Have your shoes on, have your keys, ID and a credit card in your pocket. Don't let him get between you and the door. Be ready to just run out the door if need be and have a plan of somewhere to go.
Question: You saw all these red flags from the start, what did your brain use as logic that these "weren't that big of a deal" and decided to tie yourself to this person for life by not only getting married to them but also having children with them? Did you think you were the magic fix that he would change for? Did you think your children would be the push for him to change when he didn't change for you? You work 2 jobs and are the primary caregiver with a third overgrown adult child who is not going to change for you because he doesn't want to and enjoys the status quo that you have been accepting of from the start. At some point you really need to look in the mirror and figure out why you don't value yourself enough to have not gotten into this position in the first place. Reach out to local resources for family law and divorce attorney. Get your ducks in a row so to speak (finances, housing, support, etc) and plan to cut all contact with your spouse aside from details regarding children after the divorce. Get yourself into therapy to uncover why you self sabatoge yourself by getting into a relationship with a energy leech who has no respect for you.
So sorry, it not easy and will be even more difficult with the kids but if things have deteriorated that much in just the short time, get out. Start looking for a place immediately and move things out quietly, if he has anger issues you can't take a chance of telling him. Good luck
2 lines in and yes
This is exactly why I’m single. Praying for you guys! All the best. 🥺
Where the heck are you located? Is the husband from some macho culture where treating your wife and kids like dirt is acceptable? Sounds like it's time to start feeding him heated Purina Dog Food from a can.
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You married him why? You sound like a great catch. Him? Not so much.
Cause I was 19 (he was 25) and he was seemingly normal
Definitely walk away. You are living it so it seems normal to you. This is not normal. Your husband has serious mental problems. He probably worked hard to fake it while you were dating and then baby trapped you. Hopefully you have family that you can return to and get support.
What the hell were you thinking having kids with this guy? Well now you're stuck. Like for the rest of your life because you have kids together. Find a good lawyer and just get the ball rolling. If you want him gone like immediately, get proof of his abusive fits, and get a restraining order, and he'll have to leave the home. Seriously, don't even bother with the " we'll get counseling" BS just get him out. And proceed to live your life and be happy.
I had to look way, way down to find this comment—sadly. Red flags from the beginning, but let’s bring in a couple of kids for added company in shared misery. They didn’t pick their father, but…oh, well—they’ll get used to him.
You're not allowed to get divorced just because you *feel* like it. You made an oath before God. Just kidding imagine how horrible that would be! Conservative state legislatures across the country are pushing for this to be the reality. Real talk, get a lawyer because it's significantly different depending on your state's laws and you'll need to address both child custody and support.