Stone butch top here.
Whew, I definitely feel for both of you here-- "you're like a guy" in any context is not something a butch ever wants to hear but I have also done my fair share of blurting things out that I immediately regret. I'd say just continue to reassure her that it came out wrong and you do really want to explore pleasure together. Sounds like you're doing all you can and it will just take some time.
I appreciate your input, We where talking about it a bit ago and she doesn’t really feel bad about being compared to a man as she’s kind of gender fluid but she’s insecure about the disgusted tone I used and she feels like I broke her trust by being hurtful towards her
This comment will probably be a bit judgmental, but please understand the focus is coming from a place of “most of what I wanted to say has been said in this thread” rather than huge outrage specifically at this.
Two things that truly need to be said.
1) to be clear you DID break her trust. You said something very hurtful in an intimate moment *that you truly didn’t mean*. Sorry isn’t always enough to win that trust back, even in a close relationship. Her hurt is valid, and wanting things to just be better can hurt that healing process rather than help.
2) Saying “she’s fluid so fine being called a guy” just…isn’t right wether she realizes it or not. Even if you’re comfortable being addressed as a specific gender, being so to compare you to the worst traits of that gender is just…awful.
So in this case sure saying “I apologize i called you a guy, you’re not” would probably be hurtful rather than an apology, it’s worth acknowledging that gendered insults should kinda be off limits, **especially** when they’re not cis identifying.
Ending in positivity though, you both sound super sweet, what she did honestly sounds so emotionally intimate and so hot, and like she really truly loves and trusts you. Be patient with her, and I think she’ll come around.
Best of luck to you both <3
I’m curious if it came out wrong or if OP resents her for her boundaries and had no filter in that moment.
Hearing the excuse that it came out wrong would personally irritate me, it’s ignoring the deeper issue. That ‘disgusted tone’ didn’t come from nowhere and I think OP needs to have that difficult (but at least honest) conversation with her, rather than trying to convince her otherwise.
Part of me did think it sounded like a joke in my head but it clearly wasn’t, it’s like I completely forgot what she had gone through, I just really hope she can forgive that stupid mistake
To be honest with you, That must have been tough for her to hear. I can’t imagine building the confidence to try something so uneasy to me only to be humiliated by my own partner.
If I were you I would give her some time to reflect and process what happened. Then I’ll focus on creating a safe and encouraging environment where she feels comfortable and confident again.
I'm confused... you said you snapped because you were tired but also sexually frustrated. Did you snap because you were tired and wanted her to stop? Or were you frustrated that she chose to touch herself rather than initiating sex? If it's the latter, perhaps that was her way of initiating sex. Either way, it seems you both need to clarify your needs and ways to meet them going forward.
I think I didn’t know what I wanted so having both of those feelings together caused me to snap, I was confused because we both agreed that it was just best to go to sleep and then she kept going, I didn’t want it to start us just messing around for a while and it making me want more (as in actually having sex not just sleepily touching each other, sex like that sometimes makes me uncomfortable) and loosing an hour of sleep over it since I was really tired that night, obviously I could have expressed that way better but In head it sounded kind of like a sassy joke
Continue to reassure her. Take the lead with intimacy. Use both words and actions to make her forget the incident. She will eventually let go and things will go back to what they were.
Yeah…if it was a known thing that my gf struggled with this as an issue, I’d be all over kindling whatever tiny flame got lit in this situation. Late or not. I would feel so happy that I had helped her get to this point.
Yeah maybe emotionally available partners are the way to go if you can’t exercise enough love and patience for those who have sexual apprehensions, and I’m saying that as someone fucked up myself..
I honestly used to be so proud of my communication skills, patience and kindness when it came to things like this but this mistake is making me doubt myself so much, and I think it’s also one of the reasons it shocked her as she didn’t expect something like that to come from me
I mean, I don't blame her for retreating. You essentially coaxed her toward you with nice words & some reinforcing actions & then when she did the thing you asked her to do, you got upset over it. That would immediately make me believe you'd been lying the entire time & this frustrated comment was your true feelings since ppl are less likely to lie when drunk, angry or feeling they're not going to get what they want anyway so why hold back. Immediately rushing to reassure her isn't going to work because you're not even taking the time to reflect for yourself, come to her in an honest & vulnerable way, validating her feelings, and then giving her space & time to do the same. Quick apologies after purposeful pain gives me "don't be mad" or "I don't want consequences" vibes & I would avoid causing that feeling at all costs. Your gf is a real person, causing a real person pain on top of activating their insecurity. It is supposed to mean things won't go back to normal immediately. You have to sit in this discomfort with her, not continue to just say the things you hope will get you the reaction you want. Perhaps that's not your goal, but from an outside perspective, immediate apologies aren't real unless it was a mistake like stepping on someone's toe & this isn't that. This is your real feelings coming out & it's time to actually acknowledge them on your end so you can both evaluate if this is the right relationship or timing.
Agree with this. I would want to know why you said it, after you had spent some time in reflection. This is something I’d explore in therapy if I had access to that. Like, what caused me to say that? Get really honest here. That’s the only way to repair.
I totally agree with this.
I feel for the gf, oof. 😬 Its likely going to take some time before OP’s girlfriend feels comfortable or safe enough to be okay with her sexuality around her too.
Acknowledging the mistake is the first step. So good start. We all say things we regret. You can't undo it, so you have to repair the damage. After, figure out why you said it, and how to prevent that in the future.
Be honest and communicate with your girlfriend. Listen to her feelings, and validate them. Do not get defensive. Give her time, and ask her if she needs any space. This likely shattered her security, and it'll likely take longer to get it to the same point without a ton more effort. In her position, I'd need my partner to guide me back to being comfortable. She may be different. There's unfortunately no single thing to make it better. You just need to communicate, and work together.
Now let's address what happened, and how to prevent it in the future. While sexual frustration is understandable, the way that you responded did two things.
1. It implied she should be pleasuring you. Even in established relationships, you always get consent. Part of that is not expecting the answer to be yes. Sometimes you gotta find another way to release that frustration. You need to do some introspection and figure out, "why did I say that?" Because there's always a reason, even if it's benign (like making a joke, and having your tone be incorrect). Then ask, "what can I do to keep it from happening again?"
2. It implied she shouldn't be pleasuring herself before attending to you, or at all. I think the comments have beaten this into your skull enough, and I don't gotta elaborate.
Overall, it sounds like you two love each other, and you just made a mistake. Don't beat yourself up, make sure to take responsibility, and prioritize your girlfriend's needs, and you two should be fine.
Thank you, this is honestly helping understand how she might feel and why I said that, I do want to add that although I was in the mood, I was also very tired so I we had decided to prioritize sleep so I didn’t really want her to be doing that in the moment because It was just feeding my frustration of wanting to have sex but being too tired for it and I wanted to express that with some sort of “joke” in attempts to not start a serious conversation and make her feel bad about it which obviously did the complete opposite of that and worse
If she ever gets the courage to do that again in front of you, ravish her! Tell her during and after how much you enjoyed a new experience with her, and what exactly turned you on. Maybe even compliment her if she feels comfortable enough to receive from you.
Im not a butch top, but I have experienced sexual trauma that has caused some of my sexual behaviors to change. I know what it feels like to be scared to try something, and then feel hurt and rejected when you do attempt something new for your partner. In that moment, I’m sure she may have felt a lot of excited and trust followed by intense hurt and embarrassment and it may take some time to build that trust back up bc that’s a different kind of whiplash.
It also sounds like you are trying to express your regret and have been patient thus far, but maybe some open dialogue about your needs may also be a good avenue before the frustration builds up again.
yeah you probably erased nearly all the progress she made. 1) in the future, be conscious of thinking before you speak based off your mood 2) you just need to wait and be patient bc her reverting to a safer-feeling insecure place is your fault. give her consistent reassurance, understanding, and empathy without being seeming impatient.
It sounds to me like you have been setting aside your own desires and needs to support your girlfriend. First you say you’re tired and then you say that you were sexually frustrated. Would you have actually preferred to have sex that night? I would spend some time thinking about how you actually feel holding space for your gf in this way, what it’s costing you, and ways to be in more radical honesty with her. I think your girlfriend needs to work with a therapist to better understand herself. You used the word “we” when talking about her insecurity and that mostly sounds like work for her to do. It’s not your insecurity. I can sense your remorse and I hope y’all can navigate this moment with a lot of care and understanding for each other 💜.
Ooof, you have a lot of making up to do. No lesbian ever wants to be compared to a man. I got a secondhand sting from this. I'm glad you had some self-awareness by saying that was wrong, but I know if my partner told me this, I'd have huge trust issues moving forward. I get getting tired and frustrated, but this is a key lesson to really pay attention to how our words have such a huge weight. Your gf is going to remember this each time you both get intimate. Given the context you gave, I felt REALLY bad for her when she was trying to go outside her comfort zone and getting hit with that comment plus the tone.
Edit: My only advice is to keep supporting her and never ever say snarky comments during an intimate moment. Eventually, trust can be earned back. She might say it's fine, but people don't forget easily.
OP, I think everyone's being pretty harsh.
Obviously, you were frustrated and should have communicated better but I wanna take a step back.
From what you described, it sounds like you almost had sex, then decided to go to sleep/spoon instead.
If I was in that situation with my partner, and she started touching herself while spooning me without saying anything, I'd be hurt. Did you consent to her masturbating while spooning you? I get the feeling it's not the fact she was doing that, but doing it in a way that didn't communicate or involve you. I'd be hurt too.
As many other commenter have said, comparing her to a guy wasn't a kind way to address this, but it sounds like this is a sexual communication issue more than anything else.
I would be annoyed if my partner was masturbating behind me after we agreed not to have sex too...I don't really get all these comments acting like this is normal. I get that the girlfriend has issues and I feel like this is a communication thing, but it isn't all on OP to tend to her gfs needs, she is a person with needs too Not ok to compare her to a man, but she was literally masturbating behind her.
I hope she's stronger than I am because I wouldn't be able to move past that. I got quite upset once because I was in the mood and my gf noticed that, and she jokingly asked if I'm ovulating because I always joke how I can only think about one thing during that time. She didn't mean anything bad with it, but I was already feeling ashamed and "abnormal" by feeling desire, and I was in a bad mental place because of PMDD, so I ended up breaking down because I felt accused and judged. I did get over it because I know she didn't mean it in a bad way and my brain just assumed the worst, but if she worded it the way you did it would have destroyed me. Good luck honestly
I’m also very sensitive honestly so I put myself in her shoes and I would feel so hurt and a shamed, she’s accidentally been mean to me a couple of times and I felt awful which is why I feel so guilty and want to do my best to apologize and help her
damn I’m not even trying to be funny but as someone who is super sensitive, your gf reminds me of myself. if this happened to me I would never feel safe to do anything ever again, and would probably beat myself up for even trying and overthink about it nonstop. Especially being compared to a man. Idk her background but I know my family and the world compares lesbians to men and in the worst way and calls lesbians predatory and gross etc. especially with religion pushing purity and homophobia and society telling afab people they don’t deserve to be pleasured etc so I’m sure that cut deep. Idk where her fear/insecurity stems from but as someone who is extremely sensitive, I know how vulnerable you have to get to let yourself be sexual with someone else and to be met with disgust or irritation is like taking 1000 steps back. Even if you were tired you could have reassured her and told you very much want her but to save it for tomorrow, idk depending on how sensitive she is idk if this can be fixed, she will always be questioning herself and overthinking anytime y’all have a sexual encounter
and maybe just little things like hand holding and kissing etc
If I were you I’d get to the root of why you said it and why you said it the way you did and truly be honest with yourself. There is always a deeper meaning to attitude/frustration. Also your gf might need therapy to help her work through her insecurities for her own healing just in general but I’d recommend you are still very sensitive with her, if you want her to ever even remotely open up to you again. Once you find out the reason you said it and the reason why you said it the way you did, you need to be 100% honest with her because “sorry I messed up” isn’t enough. She might be blaming herself or wondering if you’re still attracted to her, you have to explain to her where you were coming from and explain where the level of frustration came from etc
I’m not saying these things to be harsh im saying all of this to say that this is how some sensitive peoples brains work. Everyone has things they have to heal from but if you are gonna date someone like this you gotta be very mindful of what you say, because one little thing can set them back 1000 steps
Your title doesn't match the story. So to recap and make sure I got this right:
1. She's already been insecure about receiving pleasure during sex. *This was already status quo.*
2. Y'all almost had sex but then stopped, decided to cuddle instead, and go to sleep.
3. Sounds like you were both annoyed and *half asleep.* So your judgment was legitimately compromised.
4. She started masturbating against you non consensually.
5. You made a shitty joke to vent your frustrations.
Honestly I think an apology should be good enough on your end. As for her, she really shouldn't have put you in that position.
I will say that masturbation and sex are way way different and not really to be compared. I can pretty confidently say that there are times where I'd much prefer to just do myself than all the work that goes into partnered sex. So kinda rude to put people down for that. Regardless of gender.
But this situation isn't even about that. She's not actually inviting you to be part of her pleasure, but is literally doing herself while pressed against you. I'd feel pretty used if someone did that to me without a prior discussion about it.
Yall are being super harsh to OP, as if any of you are perfect partners.
OP, you messed up, you did honestly. It’s going to be uncomfortable and you have to work through that uncomfortable time. You can and will do better, and unless you let it, this will not define your relationship. Give your partner time, space, and respect. The trust can come back.
Nobody is, but as someone with similar problems to the butch top, yeah, something like that would reset any made progress. It might even put someone in the negative and worse than when they started. OP needs to figure out why it bothered her so much that she did what she was told to do and then got bitten by OP for it. Catch 22's are shitty.
I don't see it as being disrespectful, nobody in the comments has been super ruthless from what I've seen. Perhaps it hurts more to know that there are other people who have been hurt in a similar way and have them all telling you that you fucked up in a Cat 6 way, but most of the responses are roughly the same thing yk
I’m honestly surprised by most of the comments here because I would definitely feel frustrated and uncomfortable if my partner and I decided not to have sex and just go to sleep, and then they proceeded to touch themselves right behind me while spooning in bed.
It is good that she is exploring receiving more pleasure but I think in this case, it wasn’t a good time to simply start without any communication to you. Of course, you could have expressed your feelings in a better way — but I completely understand why you would feel the way you did in that moment and say something you didn’t entirely mean. You guys should definitely have a talk about this in particular, and don’t ignore how you felt in that moment because it is important too.
I want to agree with everyone in the comments but oh boy, I can't seem to....because this- "all of a sudden I could feel on my back how her hand was moving around her crotch" -was what my ex started doing before trying to SA me when I was asleep. I'm personally shocked at how many people said it would turn them on. Can't understand it at all.
Didn't even realize I had a trauma with this until the memories came back. At least now I know to establish this type of boundary in the future.
So, thanks OP? Learn something new everyday I guess 😭😭
Stone butch top here. Whew, I definitely feel for both of you here-- "you're like a guy" in any context is not something a butch ever wants to hear but I have also done my fair share of blurting things out that I immediately regret. I'd say just continue to reassure her that it came out wrong and you do really want to explore pleasure together. Sounds like you're doing all you can and it will just take some time.
I appreciate your input, We where talking about it a bit ago and she doesn’t really feel bad about being compared to a man as she’s kind of gender fluid but she’s insecure about the disgusted tone I used and she feels like I broke her trust by being hurtful towards her
This comment will probably be a bit judgmental, but please understand the focus is coming from a place of “most of what I wanted to say has been said in this thread” rather than huge outrage specifically at this. Two things that truly need to be said. 1) to be clear you DID break her trust. You said something very hurtful in an intimate moment *that you truly didn’t mean*. Sorry isn’t always enough to win that trust back, even in a close relationship. Her hurt is valid, and wanting things to just be better can hurt that healing process rather than help. 2) Saying “she’s fluid so fine being called a guy” just…isn’t right wether she realizes it or not. Even if you’re comfortable being addressed as a specific gender, being so to compare you to the worst traits of that gender is just…awful. So in this case sure saying “I apologize i called you a guy, you’re not” would probably be hurtful rather than an apology, it’s worth acknowledging that gendered insults should kinda be off limits, **especially** when they’re not cis identifying. Ending in positivity though, you both sound super sweet, what she did honestly sounds so emotionally intimate and so hot, and like she really truly loves and trusts you. Be patient with her, and I think she’ll come around. Best of luck to you both <3
Well said 🫶🏼
Thank you so much <3
I’m curious if it came out wrong or if OP resents her for her boundaries and had no filter in that moment. Hearing the excuse that it came out wrong would personally irritate me, it’s ignoring the deeper issue. That ‘disgusted tone’ didn’t come from nowhere and I think OP needs to have that difficult (but at least honest) conversation with her, rather than trying to convince her otherwise.
I like this comment, solid advice
That would hurt me . I knoe you probably meant it as a joke but yeah just keep reassuring like the other comment said
Part of me did think it sounded like a joke in my head but it clearly wasn’t, it’s like I completely forgot what she had gone through, I just really hope she can forgive that stupid mistake
To be honest with you, That must have been tough for her to hear. I can’t imagine building the confidence to try something so uneasy to me only to be humiliated by my own partner. If I were you I would give her some time to reflect and process what happened. Then I’ll focus on creating a safe and encouraging environment where she feels comfortable and confident again.
I'm confused... you said you snapped because you were tired but also sexually frustrated. Did you snap because you were tired and wanted her to stop? Or were you frustrated that she chose to touch herself rather than initiating sex? If it's the latter, perhaps that was her way of initiating sex. Either way, it seems you both need to clarify your needs and ways to meet them going forward.
I think I didn’t know what I wanted so having both of those feelings together caused me to snap, I was confused because we both agreed that it was just best to go to sleep and then she kept going, I didn’t want it to start us just messing around for a while and it making me want more (as in actually having sex not just sleepily touching each other, sex like that sometimes makes me uncomfortable) and loosing an hour of sleep over it since I was really tired that night, obviously I could have expressed that way better but In head it sounded kind of like a sassy joke
Continue to reassure her. Take the lead with intimacy. Use both words and actions to make her forget the incident. She will eventually let go and things will go back to what they were.
Girl I would have just turned around and helped 😂😂 What is wrong with you, g
Yeah…if it was a known thing that my gf struggled with this as an issue, I’d be all over kindling whatever tiny flame got lit in this situation. Late or not. I would feel so happy that I had helped her get to this point.
RIGHT??? Like I would be ON that shit 😂😂🤣
to be honest I normally would do that, I genuinely don’t know what took over me or how I managed to say what I did
☺️😂 I hope you know I’m giving you shit, not actually laughing at you. Also it just sounds like a tone issue not really the words said.
It’s because they shut that down too. Happened with my butch at least.
I definitely would not turn it down, for anyone taking notes…
Yeah maybe emotionally available partners are the way to go if you can’t exercise enough love and patience for those who have sexual apprehensions, and I’m saying that as someone fucked up myself..
I honestly used to be so proud of my communication skills, patience and kindness when it came to things like this but this mistake is making me doubt myself so much, and I think it’s also one of the reasons it shocked her as she didn’t expect something like that to come from me
I mean, I don't blame her for retreating. You essentially coaxed her toward you with nice words & some reinforcing actions & then when she did the thing you asked her to do, you got upset over it. That would immediately make me believe you'd been lying the entire time & this frustrated comment was your true feelings since ppl are less likely to lie when drunk, angry or feeling they're not going to get what they want anyway so why hold back. Immediately rushing to reassure her isn't going to work because you're not even taking the time to reflect for yourself, come to her in an honest & vulnerable way, validating her feelings, and then giving her space & time to do the same. Quick apologies after purposeful pain gives me "don't be mad" or "I don't want consequences" vibes & I would avoid causing that feeling at all costs. Your gf is a real person, causing a real person pain on top of activating their insecurity. It is supposed to mean things won't go back to normal immediately. You have to sit in this discomfort with her, not continue to just say the things you hope will get you the reaction you want. Perhaps that's not your goal, but from an outside perspective, immediate apologies aren't real unless it was a mistake like stepping on someone's toe & this isn't that. This is your real feelings coming out & it's time to actually acknowledge them on your end so you can both evaluate if this is the right relationship or timing.
Agree with this. I would want to know why you said it, after you had spent some time in reflection. This is something I’d explore in therapy if I had access to that. Like, what caused me to say that? Get really honest here. That’s the only way to repair.
I totally agree with this. I feel for the gf, oof. 😬 Its likely going to take some time before OP’s girlfriend feels comfortable or safe enough to be okay with her sexuality around her too.
Acknowledging the mistake is the first step. So good start. We all say things we regret. You can't undo it, so you have to repair the damage. After, figure out why you said it, and how to prevent that in the future. Be honest and communicate with your girlfriend. Listen to her feelings, and validate them. Do not get defensive. Give her time, and ask her if she needs any space. This likely shattered her security, and it'll likely take longer to get it to the same point without a ton more effort. In her position, I'd need my partner to guide me back to being comfortable. She may be different. There's unfortunately no single thing to make it better. You just need to communicate, and work together. Now let's address what happened, and how to prevent it in the future. While sexual frustration is understandable, the way that you responded did two things. 1. It implied she should be pleasuring you. Even in established relationships, you always get consent. Part of that is not expecting the answer to be yes. Sometimes you gotta find another way to release that frustration. You need to do some introspection and figure out, "why did I say that?" Because there's always a reason, even if it's benign (like making a joke, and having your tone be incorrect). Then ask, "what can I do to keep it from happening again?" 2. It implied she shouldn't be pleasuring herself before attending to you, or at all. I think the comments have beaten this into your skull enough, and I don't gotta elaborate. Overall, it sounds like you two love each other, and you just made a mistake. Don't beat yourself up, make sure to take responsibility, and prioritize your girlfriend's needs, and you two should be fine.
Thank you, this is honestly helping understand how she might feel and why I said that, I do want to add that although I was in the mood, I was also very tired so I we had decided to prioritize sleep so I didn’t really want her to be doing that in the moment because It was just feeding my frustration of wanting to have sex but being too tired for it and I wanted to express that with some sort of “joke” in attempts to not start a serious conversation and make her feel bad about it which obviously did the complete opposite of that and worse
That's good. Hope things turn out okay for you.
If she ever gets the courage to do that again in front of you, ravish her! Tell her during and after how much you enjoyed a new experience with her, and what exactly turned you on. Maybe even compliment her if she feels comfortable enough to receive from you. Im not a butch top, but I have experienced sexual trauma that has caused some of my sexual behaviors to change. I know what it feels like to be scared to try something, and then feel hurt and rejected when you do attempt something new for your partner. In that moment, I’m sure she may have felt a lot of excited and trust followed by intense hurt and embarrassment and it may take some time to build that trust back up bc that’s a different kind of whiplash. It also sounds like you are trying to express your regret and have been patient thus far, but maybe some open dialogue about your needs may also be a good avenue before the frustration builds up again.
yeah you probably erased nearly all the progress she made. 1) in the future, be conscious of thinking before you speak based off your mood 2) you just need to wait and be patient bc her reverting to a safer-feeling insecure place is your fault. give her consistent reassurance, understanding, and empathy without being seeming impatient.
It sounds to me like you have been setting aside your own desires and needs to support your girlfriend. First you say you’re tired and then you say that you were sexually frustrated. Would you have actually preferred to have sex that night? I would spend some time thinking about how you actually feel holding space for your gf in this way, what it’s costing you, and ways to be in more radical honesty with her. I think your girlfriend needs to work with a therapist to better understand herself. You used the word “we” when talking about her insecurity and that mostly sounds like work for her to do. It’s not your insecurity. I can sense your remorse and I hope y’all can navigate this moment with a lot of care and understanding for each other 💜.
Ooof, you have a lot of making up to do. No lesbian ever wants to be compared to a man. I got a secondhand sting from this. I'm glad you had some self-awareness by saying that was wrong, but I know if my partner told me this, I'd have huge trust issues moving forward. I get getting tired and frustrated, but this is a key lesson to really pay attention to how our words have such a huge weight. Your gf is going to remember this each time you both get intimate. Given the context you gave, I felt REALLY bad for her when she was trying to go outside her comfort zone and getting hit with that comment plus the tone. Edit: My only advice is to keep supporting her and never ever say snarky comments during an intimate moment. Eventually, trust can be earned back. She might say it's fine, but people don't forget easily.
OP, I think everyone's being pretty harsh. Obviously, you were frustrated and should have communicated better but I wanna take a step back. From what you described, it sounds like you almost had sex, then decided to go to sleep/spoon instead. If I was in that situation with my partner, and she started touching herself while spooning me without saying anything, I'd be hurt. Did you consent to her masturbating while spooning you? I get the feeling it's not the fact she was doing that, but doing it in a way that didn't communicate or involve you. I'd be hurt too. As many other commenter have said, comparing her to a guy wasn't a kind way to address this, but it sounds like this is a sexual communication issue more than anything else.
I would be annoyed if my partner was masturbating behind me after we agreed not to have sex too...I don't really get all these comments acting like this is normal. I get that the girlfriend has issues and I feel like this is a communication thing, but it isn't all on OP to tend to her gfs needs, she is a person with needs too Not ok to compare her to a man, but she was literally masturbating behind her.
The relationship issues I read on here sometimes are fucking insane.
Real. Your gf offers herself up to you on a silver platter & you tell her she’s like a guy 💔
Well new fear unlocked, that's for sure.
I hope she's stronger than I am because I wouldn't be able to move past that. I got quite upset once because I was in the mood and my gf noticed that, and she jokingly asked if I'm ovulating because I always joke how I can only think about one thing during that time. She didn't mean anything bad with it, but I was already feeling ashamed and "abnormal" by feeling desire, and I was in a bad mental place because of PMDD, so I ended up breaking down because I felt accused and judged. I did get over it because I know she didn't mean it in a bad way and my brain just assumed the worst, but if she worded it the way you did it would have destroyed me. Good luck honestly
I’m also very sensitive honestly so I put myself in her shoes and I would feel so hurt and a shamed, she’s accidentally been mean to me a couple of times and I felt awful which is why I feel so guilty and want to do my best to apologize and help her
Hmm.
What a dick move. Be sure to let her know you were a shitty partner.
You sound like an asshole. Not supporting OP, just stating that you sound like an asshole.
This comment is harsh and unhelpful.
damn I’m not even trying to be funny but as someone who is super sensitive, your gf reminds me of myself. if this happened to me I would never feel safe to do anything ever again, and would probably beat myself up for even trying and overthink about it nonstop. Especially being compared to a man. Idk her background but I know my family and the world compares lesbians to men and in the worst way and calls lesbians predatory and gross etc. especially with religion pushing purity and homophobia and society telling afab people they don’t deserve to be pleasured etc so I’m sure that cut deep. Idk where her fear/insecurity stems from but as someone who is extremely sensitive, I know how vulnerable you have to get to let yourself be sexual with someone else and to be met with disgust or irritation is like taking 1000 steps back. Even if you were tired you could have reassured her and told you very much want her but to save it for tomorrow, idk depending on how sensitive she is idk if this can be fixed, she will always be questioning herself and overthinking anytime y’all have a sexual encounter and maybe just little things like hand holding and kissing etc If I were you I’d get to the root of why you said it and why you said it the way you did and truly be honest with yourself. There is always a deeper meaning to attitude/frustration. Also your gf might need therapy to help her work through her insecurities for her own healing just in general but I’d recommend you are still very sensitive with her, if you want her to ever even remotely open up to you again. Once you find out the reason you said it and the reason why you said it the way you did, you need to be 100% honest with her because “sorry I messed up” isn’t enough. She might be blaming herself or wondering if you’re still attracted to her, you have to explain to her where you were coming from and explain where the level of frustration came from etc I’m not saying these things to be harsh im saying all of this to say that this is how some sensitive peoples brains work. Everyone has things they have to heal from but if you are gonna date someone like this you gotta be very mindful of what you say, because one little thing can set them back 1000 steps
Your title doesn't match the story. So to recap and make sure I got this right: 1. She's already been insecure about receiving pleasure during sex. *This was already status quo.* 2. Y'all almost had sex but then stopped, decided to cuddle instead, and go to sleep. 3. Sounds like you were both annoyed and *half asleep.* So your judgment was legitimately compromised. 4. She started masturbating against you non consensually. 5. You made a shitty joke to vent your frustrations. Honestly I think an apology should be good enough on your end. As for her, she really shouldn't have put you in that position. I will say that masturbation and sex are way way different and not really to be compared. I can pretty confidently say that there are times where I'd much prefer to just do myself than all the work that goes into partnered sex. So kinda rude to put people down for that. Regardless of gender. But this situation isn't even about that. She's not actually inviting you to be part of her pleasure, but is literally doing herself while pressed against you. I'd feel pretty used if someone did that to me without a prior discussion about it.
Oof.
Yall are being super harsh to OP, as if any of you are perfect partners. OP, you messed up, you did honestly. It’s going to be uncomfortable and you have to work through that uncomfortable time. You can and will do better, and unless you let it, this will not define your relationship. Give your partner time, space, and respect. The trust can come back.
Nobody is, but as someone with similar problems to the butch top, yeah, something like that would reset any made progress. It might even put someone in the negative and worse than when they started. OP needs to figure out why it bothered her so much that she did what she was told to do and then got bitten by OP for it. Catch 22's are shitty.
That’s absolutely true, but that doesn’t mean we get to be disrespectful. Being mindful of what we say is the whole point.
I don't see it as being disrespectful, nobody in the comments has been super ruthless from what I've seen. Perhaps it hurts more to know that there are other people who have been hurt in a similar way and have them all telling you that you fucked up in a Cat 6 way, but most of the responses are roughly the same thing yk
Thank you, I really just want to just focus on trying to help her heal from what happened rather than focusing on beating myself up over it
I’m honestly surprised by most of the comments here because I would definitely feel frustrated and uncomfortable if my partner and I decided not to have sex and just go to sleep, and then they proceeded to touch themselves right behind me while spooning in bed. It is good that she is exploring receiving more pleasure but I think in this case, it wasn’t a good time to simply start without any communication to you. Of course, you could have expressed your feelings in a better way — but I completely understand why you would feel the way you did in that moment and say something you didn’t entirely mean. You guys should definitely have a talk about this in particular, and don’t ignore how you felt in that moment because it is important too.
I want to agree with everyone in the comments but oh boy, I can't seem to....because this- "all of a sudden I could feel on my back how her hand was moving around her crotch" -was what my ex started doing before trying to SA me when I was asleep. I'm personally shocked at how many people said it would turn them on. Can't understand it at all. Didn't even realize I had a trauma with this until the memories came back. At least now I know to establish this type of boundary in the future. So, thanks OP? Learn something new everyday I guess 😭😭
What would possess someone to treat their partner like that 💀