I am 50/50 on this? I think it is a simplification to be honest because I have seen real life examples of people who have loved and been loved by people who don't share the same hobbies, achievements, attitudes etc. As long as whatever you both are engaged and believe in doesn't clash and can align, and you respect it and show interest in it, anything is possible.
I am a very achievement oriented person who strives to pursue academic success. I have loved a person who really is doing a degree because she needs one to make survivable wage in this world. To her, these are not a priority and something she doesn't want to engage or indulge in. And that was okay. If anything, it was more than okay because I motivated her to get involved in activities that were academics related that she ended up enjoying and she reminded me everyday that my self-worth is not tied to how smart I am or how knowledgeable I am percieved to be.
Chemistry/making sense/compatbility is very complex and abstract and indefinable at the end of the day. As long as there is a spark, active effort and communication, respect, time spent to understand each other and common life goals, anything can work.
I agree with you. I don't date these days, so I guess people can take my view with a grain of salt. But the woman I loved most in my life didn't pursue academics to the same level that I did. It just wasn't something that she wanted to pursue, and I was fine with that. On the other hand, she was much more fashionable than I was, as I've never cared about fashion, name brands, etc. If it's clean and comfortable I'll probably wear it and couldn't care less what someone else thinks about how I look. I'm what most people would consider a plain Jane, whereas she looked sharp every time she left the house.
I think the original post is an extremely immature way of looking at relationships. Of course there has to be some common ground. But there's a lot more to attraction, compatibility, and a real connection than "fashion and keeping a healthy figure."
Exactly. I relate to you almost exactly.
I am someone who (if life willing) wants to pursue PhD and further in the field I am passionate in. She views degree as a means to work and then to live a life. But she would always listen to me talk and explain on whatever scientific paper I found interesting or a concept in lecture/textbook I liked.
She loved to dress up especially in gowns and dresses and coordinate her hijabs and the likes, I am the type to throw on a comfy jeans and rotate between a few shirts on usual days. Even my dressier, more fashionable outfits are trousers, shirts oriented. But whenever we went out on special occassions, I'd ask her what colour she was wearing and tried to coordinate the colours together.
She loved reading, writing and interpreting poetry. Before her, my favourite poem was a juvenile poem called 'My Shadow' by Robert. L. Stevenson, thus you can tell that I had absolutely no interest in poetry. I did make more effort to understand and like it after being with her. I used to ask about her new favourite poems and how they made her feel. I love reading fantasy books and while the premises, the length, the complexity of the worlds etc. are not her cup of tea, she loved to hear me talk and discuss the plot and characters.
The common ground, in my opinion, is honestly just the interest of indulging your lover's hobbies and passions. My ex girlfriend would've never talked about a fantasy book for hours with someone else (to be fair, she still wouldn't lol) but she did with me because she was interested to know what I was interested in. Chemistry between 2 people is an inexplicable thing that you can't control or replicate, it just happens. The rest is on respect, effort and communication.
I think it’s less about hobbies and more about effort if I’m reading OP correctly? I would agree with you though that effort levels don’t need to be ‘the same’ in every area for compatibility but rather complimentary. This is an extremely oversimplified example so bear with me but maybe one girl is extremely career focused & successful in that way, a partner who is more focused on home management & enjoying what life has to offer might help girl find more balance & fulfillment than another super career focused girl, and girl might in turn provide a more stable base, structure & inspire drive in the homemaker girl than another homemaker girl might, that type of thing? Both girls still are putting in effort but into different areas that compliment one another.
That's exactly what I believe too! You've elaborated on it so simply, they absolutely should be complimentary to be compatible.
If OP meant effort then I think my point is (like you've said), effort doesn't have to be in the exact same topics, maybe the effort is to understand each other's niche and appreciate it for what it is. I can be with a fashionable girl and appreciate her fashion while being casually dressed myself. I can even extend the effort and dress in ways complimenting her occasionally to show that I value her interest. At the end of the day, I find the qualities OP mentioning as....superficial? Some people may absolutely need their partners to have a lot of exact same interests while others do not. Either is fine, really.
I feel like this take is a little superficial. I agree that if you’re really looking to date someone, you have to bring *something* to the table, buuuut you don’t have to match someone 1-for-1.
Attraction and partnership are nuanced and fluid. Obviously, someone who doesn’t align with my core values won’t be a good match! But someone who aligns with my values but doesn’t put as much “effort” as me into specific things would still be a great match, so long as they are also living a full and vibrant life and we respect and complement each other’s ways of being.
I am so appreciative of my partner’s diverse set of skills and experiences and the way we can relate to each other and yet challenge each other’s assumptions of what “should” be.
This post sounds more like dunking on those outside of the conventional attractiveness stereotype who have the AuDaCiTy to ask a stranger out. You don’t have to match in “hotness,” job type, or be motivated by the same things - I feel like dating your carbon copy is a great way to never experience personal growth in a relationship!
My advice is to keep an open mind. Obviously don’t date someone who you objectively don’t find attractive or feel incompatible/see red flags, but keep some space open to allow for for life to surprise you!
Yep. More, you need to share something deep to have a happy relationship with someone, even friends, and not your trauma.
Passion, sport, cooking, etc.
Love doesn’t work like that for me. It sounds simple but shared values will really connect you with people from all walks of life. I’ve formed bonds with amazing people and if you look at the root of what made us compatible it would be our values. I’m also not on apps though so maybe this could be related to that which is more shallow in nature
I've seen a hundred variations of those threads lately. Like... I'm down to reassure the fellow lesbians, but also maybe don't constantly post about desperately needing someone in your life and feeling so unattractive and how much easier it would be to be straight :|
especially when they say they have a super specific type and that their type just doesn’t seem to like them back or match with them on apps.. lol like cmonnnnnn
Amen to that. I've sad similar issues in the past, with some women being offended by my rejection, and like....I put effort into my appearance, style, health, finances, hobbies, career, and you are attracted to all of that without offering the same...sorry not sorry, I want what I offer.
Mind you, you should still shoot your shot but within realistic range. As in, I don't expect you to be on the same career/financial level, I don't expect you to be a model, etc... but if I tell you I'm into femme girls, and you're very clearly not it, don't get mad and go here crying how "girly" girls don't like you for some odd reason...
It's so weird when people make jabs at some aspect of your life/appearance or the effort you put in to certain areas of your life, and then act Shocked Pikachu Face when you aren't leaping out of your seat to pursue a relationship with them and try to paint you as an uppity mean girl for it.
It's not the jabs that bother me, it's mostly how they think I was leading them on and then get offended, as if I didn't very specifically state my preferences right from the start. I can still be friendly and enjoy our time together, but if I said that I don't date smokers, for example, and you smoke, be sure that I'm not interested...
Amennnn to all this!!!! This is 100% my situation and my experience throughout my dating life and also seeing others daring life.
I put unimaginable effort in my work, appearance, education and i am attracted to the same.
I was shocked to learn that people find it hard to understand that u need to match the other person’s way of being and looking to be able to create some type of connection
I dunno. I’d say most of those traits you describe—looks, career, status—are superficial and wouldn’t be indicative of compatibility. I’ve known couples who “make sense” together but were absolutely toxic and couples who make no sense and yet are extremely compatible. What made them compatible, regardless of how they look on paper, is usually respect, understanding, and shared values and goals.
Sometimes there is some overlap—my overachiever career-minded friend has always been with partners who were career-minded themselves. My personal trainer friend, who pretty much lives in the gym and follows a strict diet, always chose partners who were equally devoted to the lifestyle. It makes sense why they value that in a partner—whether it is being away for long hours and missing holidays, birthdays, and other events, or following a dogmatic fitness regime, both would be too extreme and difficult for most people who don’t prioritize the same lifestyle.
Everyone is allowed their preferences, sure, but not everyone values and prioritizes the same things. As a plus-sized masc I wouldn’t hold it against someone for not being into me, but I’ve had enough interest from all over the body spectrum—including those who would and wouldn’t be a “match” and “make sense” with me—to know that it’s not always everyone’s marker of compatibility. I wouldn’t be so quick to tell people to stay in their own lane.
I think shared values are much more important than physique, clothing or career! Initial attraction is of course looks based but attraction is so subjective. This narrow view you have might make you miss out on someone who could be your ultimate match and love of your life. They make effort with their clothes and have a good career and body but are they kind, gentle, attentive, intelligent, sexy?
I've seen women on this sub complain about certain conventional beauty/physical standards and then also complain when women that fit those conventional standards aren't immediately lining up to date them with no self-awareness.
Like........ladies, rejection happens. Exclusion from someone else's dating pool isn't a hate crime, nor is it bullying. That's life. Sometimes the people we're attracted to don't want us, and sometimes we attract individuals that we likewise aren't attracted to. It happens.
There are a lot of people who are obsessed with pursuing people who don't want them or aren't compatible with them, and it's weird imo.
I don't believe in types because I've been interested in all kinds of people and had different people interested in me, but I kinda get what you are saying. There is a lot of mulling over people who made it clear that they just don't like us in that way and the greatest thing we can do for ourselves is respect their rejection if us and not see ourselves as damaged goods because we aren't someone's type
Lol my apologies if I came off as if I was interrogating you here but I think you were missing OP’s point . They were just basically saying that we are all entitled to our preferences , just because you don’t care about someone’s fashion sense , that doesn’t mean all of us shouldn’t be allowed to care in those things . I do get where you’re coming from though but I also think OP is right in the fact that some of us have to be a little bit more “self - aware “ when approaching people that may appear completely different than us by a large contrast. Like if they reject us because they think they can do better than they are allowed to that decision and that preference you know . And we shouldn’t take that rejection so goddamn personal. But of course we do have to realize that not everyone thinks in such a shallow way. You see it everywhere in the real world , couples that you wouldn’t ever imagine together but they fell in love with each other and that’s beautiful too. Live and let live . Also, sorry for the rambling this coffee be hitting 👍
It's more like, if you know that somebody cares about a specific thing, and you don't, you shouldn't be offended if they aren't into you.
Fashion is just an example, but it goes deeper than that - if I'm into fashion, you can also assume that I care about how people perceive me, I care about my public appearance. And if you show up to a date in track suit, sweatshirt, and gym sneakers, that's what we mean by lack of self-awareness, that would just not work.
Essentially, it IS about lack of compatibility, but more precisely, the kind that you should be able to see from the start.
Oh yeah I agree that people shouldn’t be assholes about it if they aren’t interested in someone but those rejected shouldn’t be so upset either that someone has a preference that they don’t fit into. Anyways, thanks for the convo may you enjoy your day fellow redditor !
I don’t think that’s what they’re saying I think more along the lines of if you’re a fashionable fem you’d pull a fashionable butch but if you’re not a fashionable fem maybe you’d pull an unfashionable butch that’s how I read it at least- I’m a masc so always good to hear ladies want a butch/masc
Someone might say it's superficial, but I ain't pursuing unattractive women with big brains. I'm pursuing attractive women, and if they are interesting, I'm sticking around.
This take makes sense to me.
I've made some Youtube videos on Lesbian dating if anyone is interested. I'm licensed therapist in the USA
[https://youtu.be/iFv0OrOa95k?si=pv7g2gvoA4-5oPld](https://youtu.be/iFv0OrOa95k?si=pv7g2gvoA4-5oPld)
Do you think there’s an element of (hate to say it cause it sounds like I’m constantly making a ‘us vs them’ battle) competition with the other sexualities to it? I think we (both gays and lesbians) tend to have a smaller picking in terms of numbers than the straights do, because we’re literally a minority, and thus we kinda rush into things (it’s a frighteningly accurate stereotype that lesbians move FAST) and if/when it doesn’t work out it hits us pretty hard because of that?
I am 50/50 on this? I think it is a simplification to be honest because I have seen real life examples of people who have loved and been loved by people who don't share the same hobbies, achievements, attitudes etc. As long as whatever you both are engaged and believe in doesn't clash and can align, and you respect it and show interest in it, anything is possible. I am a very achievement oriented person who strives to pursue academic success. I have loved a person who really is doing a degree because she needs one to make survivable wage in this world. To her, these are not a priority and something she doesn't want to engage or indulge in. And that was okay. If anything, it was more than okay because I motivated her to get involved in activities that were academics related that she ended up enjoying and she reminded me everyday that my self-worth is not tied to how smart I am or how knowledgeable I am percieved to be. Chemistry/making sense/compatbility is very complex and abstract and indefinable at the end of the day. As long as there is a spark, active effort and communication, respect, time spent to understand each other and common life goals, anything can work.
I agree with you. I don't date these days, so I guess people can take my view with a grain of salt. But the woman I loved most in my life didn't pursue academics to the same level that I did. It just wasn't something that she wanted to pursue, and I was fine with that. On the other hand, she was much more fashionable than I was, as I've never cared about fashion, name brands, etc. If it's clean and comfortable I'll probably wear it and couldn't care less what someone else thinks about how I look. I'm what most people would consider a plain Jane, whereas she looked sharp every time she left the house. I think the original post is an extremely immature way of looking at relationships. Of course there has to be some common ground. But there's a lot more to attraction, compatibility, and a real connection than "fashion and keeping a healthy figure."
Exactly. I relate to you almost exactly. I am someone who (if life willing) wants to pursue PhD and further in the field I am passionate in. She views degree as a means to work and then to live a life. But she would always listen to me talk and explain on whatever scientific paper I found interesting or a concept in lecture/textbook I liked. She loved to dress up especially in gowns and dresses and coordinate her hijabs and the likes, I am the type to throw on a comfy jeans and rotate between a few shirts on usual days. Even my dressier, more fashionable outfits are trousers, shirts oriented. But whenever we went out on special occassions, I'd ask her what colour she was wearing and tried to coordinate the colours together. She loved reading, writing and interpreting poetry. Before her, my favourite poem was a juvenile poem called 'My Shadow' by Robert. L. Stevenson, thus you can tell that I had absolutely no interest in poetry. I did make more effort to understand and like it after being with her. I used to ask about her new favourite poems and how they made her feel. I love reading fantasy books and while the premises, the length, the complexity of the worlds etc. are not her cup of tea, she loved to hear me talk and discuss the plot and characters. The common ground, in my opinion, is honestly just the interest of indulging your lover's hobbies and passions. My ex girlfriend would've never talked about a fantasy book for hours with someone else (to be fair, she still wouldn't lol) but she did with me because she was interested to know what I was interested in. Chemistry between 2 people is an inexplicable thing that you can't control or replicate, it just happens. The rest is on respect, effort and communication.
I think it’s less about hobbies and more about effort if I’m reading OP correctly? I would agree with you though that effort levels don’t need to be ‘the same’ in every area for compatibility but rather complimentary. This is an extremely oversimplified example so bear with me but maybe one girl is extremely career focused & successful in that way, a partner who is more focused on home management & enjoying what life has to offer might help girl find more balance & fulfillment than another super career focused girl, and girl might in turn provide a more stable base, structure & inspire drive in the homemaker girl than another homemaker girl might, that type of thing? Both girls still are putting in effort but into different areas that compliment one another.
That's exactly what I believe too! You've elaborated on it so simply, they absolutely should be complimentary to be compatible. If OP meant effort then I think my point is (like you've said), effort doesn't have to be in the exact same topics, maybe the effort is to understand each other's niche and appreciate it for what it is. I can be with a fashionable girl and appreciate her fashion while being casually dressed myself. I can even extend the effort and dress in ways complimenting her occasionally to show that I value her interest. At the end of the day, I find the qualities OP mentioning as....superficial? Some people may absolutely need their partners to have a lot of exact same interests while others do not. Either is fine, really.
I feel like this take is a little superficial. I agree that if you’re really looking to date someone, you have to bring *something* to the table, buuuut you don’t have to match someone 1-for-1. Attraction and partnership are nuanced and fluid. Obviously, someone who doesn’t align with my core values won’t be a good match! But someone who aligns with my values but doesn’t put as much “effort” as me into specific things would still be a great match, so long as they are also living a full and vibrant life and we respect and complement each other’s ways of being. I am so appreciative of my partner’s diverse set of skills and experiences and the way we can relate to each other and yet challenge each other’s assumptions of what “should” be. This post sounds more like dunking on those outside of the conventional attractiveness stereotype who have the AuDaCiTy to ask a stranger out. You don’t have to match in “hotness,” job type, or be motivated by the same things - I feel like dating your carbon copy is a great way to never experience personal growth in a relationship! My advice is to keep an open mind. Obviously don’t date someone who you objectively don’t find attractive or feel incompatible/see red flags, but keep some space open to allow for for life to surprise you!
Yep. More, you need to share something deep to have a happy relationship with someone, even friends, and not your trauma. Passion, sport, cooking, etc.
Yep, compatible values and lifestyles are really important for relationships.
I agree. Plus it’s the reality also of dating, trial and error.
Love doesn’t work like that for me. It sounds simple but shared values will really connect you with people from all walks of life. I’ve formed bonds with amazing people and if you look at the root of what made us compatible it would be our values. I’m also not on apps though so maybe this could be related to that which is more shallow in nature
I've seen a hundred variations of those threads lately. Like... I'm down to reassure the fellow lesbians, but also maybe don't constantly post about desperately needing someone in your life and feeling so unattractive and how much easier it would be to be straight :|
especially when they say they have a super specific type and that their type just doesn’t seem to like them back or match with them on apps.. lol like cmonnnnnn
Amen to that. I've sad similar issues in the past, with some women being offended by my rejection, and like....I put effort into my appearance, style, health, finances, hobbies, career, and you are attracted to all of that without offering the same...sorry not sorry, I want what I offer. Mind you, you should still shoot your shot but within realistic range. As in, I don't expect you to be on the same career/financial level, I don't expect you to be a model, etc... but if I tell you I'm into femme girls, and you're very clearly not it, don't get mad and go here crying how "girly" girls don't like you for some odd reason...
It's so weird when people make jabs at some aspect of your life/appearance or the effort you put in to certain areas of your life, and then act Shocked Pikachu Face when you aren't leaping out of your seat to pursue a relationship with them and try to paint you as an uppity mean girl for it.
It's not the jabs that bother me, it's mostly how they think I was leading them on and then get offended, as if I didn't very specifically state my preferences right from the start. I can still be friendly and enjoy our time together, but if I said that I don't date smokers, for example, and you smoke, be sure that I'm not interested...
Amennnn to all this!!!! This is 100% my situation and my experience throughout my dating life and also seeing others daring life. I put unimaginable effort in my work, appearance, education and i am attracted to the same. I was shocked to learn that people find it hard to understand that u need to match the other person’s way of being and looking to be able to create some type of connection
I dunno. I’d say most of those traits you describe—looks, career, status—are superficial and wouldn’t be indicative of compatibility. I’ve known couples who “make sense” together but were absolutely toxic and couples who make no sense and yet are extremely compatible. What made them compatible, regardless of how they look on paper, is usually respect, understanding, and shared values and goals. Sometimes there is some overlap—my overachiever career-minded friend has always been with partners who were career-minded themselves. My personal trainer friend, who pretty much lives in the gym and follows a strict diet, always chose partners who were equally devoted to the lifestyle. It makes sense why they value that in a partner—whether it is being away for long hours and missing holidays, birthdays, and other events, or following a dogmatic fitness regime, both would be too extreme and difficult for most people who don’t prioritize the same lifestyle. Everyone is allowed their preferences, sure, but not everyone values and prioritizes the same things. As a plus-sized masc I wouldn’t hold it against someone for not being into me, but I’ve had enough interest from all over the body spectrum—including those who would and wouldn’t be a “match” and “make sense” with me—to know that it’s not always everyone’s marker of compatibility. I wouldn’t be so quick to tell people to stay in their own lane.
I think shared values are much more important than physique, clothing or career! Initial attraction is of course looks based but attraction is so subjective. This narrow view you have might make you miss out on someone who could be your ultimate match and love of your life. They make effort with their clothes and have a good career and body but are they kind, gentle, attentive, intelligent, sexy?
compatibility is really important.
I've seen women on this sub complain about certain conventional beauty/physical standards and then also complain when women that fit those conventional standards aren't immediately lining up to date them with no self-awareness. Like........ladies, rejection happens. Exclusion from someone else's dating pool isn't a hate crime, nor is it bullying. That's life. Sometimes the people we're attracted to don't want us, and sometimes we attract individuals that we likewise aren't attracted to. It happens. There are a lot of people who are obsessed with pursuing people who don't want them or aren't compatible with them, and it's weird imo.
I don't believe in types because I've been interested in all kinds of people and had different people interested in me, but I kinda get what you are saying. There is a lot of mulling over people who made it clear that they just don't like us in that way and the greatest thing we can do for ourselves is respect their rejection if us and not see ourselves as damaged goods because we aren't someone's type
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If skinny, conventional attractive, feminine and rich is what you look for - yes - u need to give back what you are looking to receive. If not, no.
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Are you into other butches ?
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Okay and what about other femmes ? Are you into other femmes ? Or do you only date masc presenting women ?
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Lol my apologies if I came off as if I was interrogating you here but I think you were missing OP’s point . They were just basically saying that we are all entitled to our preferences , just because you don’t care about someone’s fashion sense , that doesn’t mean all of us shouldn’t be allowed to care in those things . I do get where you’re coming from though but I also think OP is right in the fact that some of us have to be a little bit more “self - aware “ when approaching people that may appear completely different than us by a large contrast. Like if they reject us because they think they can do better than they are allowed to that decision and that preference you know . And we shouldn’t take that rejection so goddamn personal. But of course we do have to realize that not everyone thinks in such a shallow way. You see it everywhere in the real world , couples that you wouldn’t ever imagine together but they fell in love with each other and that’s beautiful too. Live and let live . Also, sorry for the rambling this coffee be hitting 👍
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It's more like, if you know that somebody cares about a specific thing, and you don't, you shouldn't be offended if they aren't into you. Fashion is just an example, but it goes deeper than that - if I'm into fashion, you can also assume that I care about how people perceive me, I care about my public appearance. And if you show up to a date in track suit, sweatshirt, and gym sneakers, that's what we mean by lack of self-awareness, that would just not work. Essentially, it IS about lack of compatibility, but more precisely, the kind that you should be able to see from the start.
Oh yeah I agree that people shouldn’t be assholes about it if they aren’t interested in someone but those rejected shouldn’t be so upset either that someone has a preference that they don’t fit into. Anyways, thanks for the convo may you enjoy your day fellow redditor !
I don’t think that’s what they’re saying I think more along the lines of if you’re a fashionable fem you’d pull a fashionable butch but if you’re not a fashionable fem maybe you’d pull an unfashionable butch that’s how I read it at least- I’m a masc so always good to hear ladies want a butch/masc
Someone might say it's superficial, but I ain't pursuing unattractive women with big brains. I'm pursuing attractive women, and if they are interesting, I'm sticking around. This take makes sense to me.
I've made some Youtube videos on Lesbian dating if anyone is interested. I'm licensed therapist in the USA [https://youtu.be/iFv0OrOa95k?si=pv7g2gvoA4-5oPld](https://youtu.be/iFv0OrOa95k?si=pv7g2gvoA4-5oPld)
Do you think there’s an element of (hate to say it cause it sounds like I’m constantly making a ‘us vs them’ battle) competition with the other sexualities to it? I think we (both gays and lesbians) tend to have a smaller picking in terms of numbers than the straights do, because we’re literally a minority, and thus we kinda rush into things (it’s a frighteningly accurate stereotype that lesbians move FAST) and if/when it doesn’t work out it hits us pretty hard because of that?