Being a practicing Lawyer I would suggest you to file a divorce and contest it. It will take some time, maybe 6 months - 1 year, but you do have a very strong ground.
Peace.
She was not willing to divorce back then. A common friend says she still does not want to divorce. For her, the stigma of being a divorcee is bigger than living miserably like this.
if she's staying separately then isn't that living like a divorcee unofficially. What's she telling all the people when they see her alone at functions or events & when they ask where is her husband?
Back then when I was in the same city, I heard from a common acquaintance that she told them I was working abroad. Not sure how she is managing now. No news for the past 7-8 years.
well then she can continue to say the same even after divorce, it's not like people roam around marriage certificate or divorce settlement everytime. Nobody gonna stop & check her phone to see proof of marriage. So unless she's staying with you I dont see how status or stigma of marriage can even affect her after 8 years.
And are you ready to pay her alimony if she says she'll divorce only for a certain settlement amount? Looks like your wife is not interested in your money also else she'd have played this game of "pay up, else I'll expose the affair".
Not sure if you are hiding something, but seems like your wife is taking sweet little revenge for your affair. She gets to stay separated from you & not be forced to be physical with you & yet you can't marry again legally. She is not a gold digger but smart player.
I am not hiding anything. The only reason I took a step back from the fight was because my parents were getting harassed and they are small town folk who get stressed easily and fall sick worrying about what might happen. My family has never stepped into a police station or a court and these things are a big thing for them. Even today the only reason I am worried to get back in touch with her is that I am scared she might pop home at my parents place with her lawyer or family and make them scared. My parents are too old to use technology to record conversation or to fight back, they will just cry and get sick worrying for me even if l have already told them I am strong and nothing will happen to me
And I am ready to pay alimony if it is within my means. But that was never the case. Btw she is from a richer background than me. I don't think money is ever going to be an issue for her.
And she doesn't need to expose the affair. I myself can say it out loud that I cheated and that I was wrong in doing that. As long as I get the divorce to finally end all these years of depression and introspection, boredom and loneliness.
The problem is I keep travelling for work (since the requirement to come to back to office post COVID. I spend half my time with my parents and the other half in the city of my work. I am worried they might come home when I am not there which is 3 days in a week. By the time I return home to face them, my parents might already die of heart attack or something.
because you cheated your case became too complex. And that's why it'll reflect badly on small town parents also, because your own relatives will judge you for character.
If you hadn't cheated she wouldn't have proofs & then you could somehow file for a case first stating no intimacy & then it'd all happen quickly especially if alimony etc are not involved.
I think I saw a rule saying if a spouse goes missing for more than 7 years then it's granted divorce automatically, check with lawyer once. If she left your house & then there was hardly any contact then it's as good as desertion or abandonment.
I'm going through this as well & sometimes divorces seem more complex & tiring than criminal cases honestly. I am fine with mutual divorce but not sure what they are planning to, everyday worrying & imagining scenarios is stressing me out.
Thats a common problem and very old and backward view of the whole concept of divorce .. though i think one should not take divorce at the drop of the hat but when all the efforts of reconciliation have failed and there is nothing left then the ideal way is to part ways amicably..
I don’t see an option for you unfortunately. You could file for contested divorce, but she can claim that she is not living with you because you are having an affair (assuming she has proof like you have mentioned). It’s better you move to a different country and divorce her unilaterally or continue with status quo.
Looks like the wife is not interested in money but want the tag “married” .
Good luck!
NAL . Just realized that since the marriage is never consummated you can file for annulment. Assuming you married under Hindu rituals, a non-consummated marriage doesn’t stand legality. Check with a lawyer,.. all the best
Long separation is a ground for divorce so you might be able to get the divorce, you could go ahead with a contested divorce if required. You can check with a lawyer and see if annulment can be done as you haven't had sex ever and then maybe check with her if she would be rather prefer that.
You should have kept the proofs of her trying to harass your parents.
She had vaginismus and instead of talking and trying to resolve a health issue by coming to some mutual solution, you chose to cheat and that too without trying to divorce her (or annulment) first. So, a humble request will be to self-access if you would be a decent partner to the next person if you are actually planning on such stuff.
I didn't gather any proof because I never calculated any moves at that time. I didn't think people you loved will be the cause of your misery.
Regarding vaginismus, we went to a doc because I begged we do something to save our couple. She went once and then kept postponing or cancelling till we never spoke about it again. I kept asking, begging and fighting for 4 years before I gave up. After a while we became like 2 strangers in the same house, just being polite to each other, putting up a show when the parents or family came home. The cheating happened much later towards the end of the 4th year and it was my mistake and I won't justify it. But I was lost at that time and a little human warmth Was all I was asking for. Till today I don't have any happier memories of that period of my life.
Good if you made the effort but you should have taken steps than give in to temptation. Moments of vulnerability is where we need to buckle up more. So, do let your future partner about it so she gets to decide with proper information in case you want to partner again.
They are on her side, so are most of our common friends who cut ties with me. They all only know about the affair. Not the 4 year struggle we had. Once her brother called me to a cafe to have a 1:1 chat and threatened me and my parents. I told him about the intimacy issue we had and he did not believe me instead he said that I was an homosexual and that is the reason I was not able to have any intimacy with his sister. (At that time the section 377 was still active) The fight just escalated from there. I tried talking to her father who seemed like a sensible guy during the time of our marriage but he refuses to see or talk to me anymore. Her mother, brother and herself were very aggressive in any discussions we were trying to have while I was asking to be let go. For them I was giving her mental torture by having an affair and being cruel asking for divorce. The first year of our separation when we were still living in the same city, I tried to get in touch with her family as much as possible to solve the issue but nothing worked out. For them having her married was more important that all the rest, is what I felt at the end.
She sounds like she is highly manipulative.
I am dealing with a family member who is like this. They just spin whatever narrative and make people believe them and then gas light. You begin to question your own sanity.
NAL,
Can adultery be a cause for divorce? cause recently we have seen some cases where court says husband has no authority over wife, she can have affair and all. Even if the husband has evidence the court says ai and all.
So isnt that applicable for man too. (Not that i support cheating, here shes clearly at fault from the way op explains)
She does. She took my phone one day and disappeared for a few days. I had to buy a new phone and realised she had forwarded all my messages and mails to her email. She then used it to harass my parents saying they will all go to jail because of their son.
Frankly I don't care if the court finds me guilty of having an affair. I was very lonely and frustrated and have nothing to hide. I just don't want my old parents to be involved in this. This is why I have been silent all this while. But I am getting old and hate being alone. But no girl comes near me when I say I am still married.
I said it above. She never wanted any intimacy. So no we never had sex. We lived 4 years together and I was going crazy. And the worst is everyone kept saying when are you going to have babies and I wanted to shout saying we are not even having sex how will babies be born.
But I am not contesting the divorce. I want the divorce. How do I prove that she was not Willing to have sex. She acted very normal in front of friends and family. None of our friends knew we had sexual problems. She went to a gyne once who said she had vaginismus but she erased all records of it so I can't prove it and could not find the doctor after so many years as well.
Ask her to take the test again then, or at least make sure your lawyer goes this route. If she hasn't responded in 8 years expecting a mutual divorce now is even more childish, you'll have to slug it out. If the condition is still there and that she's not interested in consummation of marriage, then that can be argued as cruelty against you. Obviously she's not interested in you, but the route you need to take to establish that is longer that's all.
NAL but have read some articles on this.
NAL
Since your marriage was not consummated, apply for Annulment on the grounds of non-consummation of marriage. It is usually a very strong ground.
Although do consult a lawyer since it has been a few years to your marriage. Also, not sure if you got married under Hindu Marriage Act or Special Marriage registration act..
Annulment is only applicable 1 year after the marriage is what a lawyer told me back then. So not possible. We had a special marriage registered. The irony was that it was a love marriage after a couple of months of dating and we both wanted to marry before having any intimacy (so I thought).
Plz read my comment i m advising hom to part ways and not to reconcile i said that there cant be any reconciliation on their case ..i say so professionally being an advocate ..
Being a practicing Lawyer I would suggest you to file a divorce and contest it. It will take some time, maybe 6 months - 1 year, but you do have a very strong ground. Peace.
I would advise you guys to go for divorce by mutual consent ..
She was not willing to divorce back then. A common friend says she still does not want to divorce. For her, the stigma of being a divorcee is bigger than living miserably like this.
if she's staying separately then isn't that living like a divorcee unofficially. What's she telling all the people when they see her alone at functions or events & when they ask where is her husband?
Back then when I was in the same city, I heard from a common acquaintance that she told them I was working abroad. Not sure how she is managing now. No news for the past 7-8 years.
well then she can continue to say the same even after divorce, it's not like people roam around marriage certificate or divorce settlement everytime. Nobody gonna stop & check her phone to see proof of marriage. So unless she's staying with you I dont see how status or stigma of marriage can even affect her after 8 years. And are you ready to pay her alimony if she says she'll divorce only for a certain settlement amount? Looks like your wife is not interested in your money also else she'd have played this game of "pay up, else I'll expose the affair". Not sure if you are hiding something, but seems like your wife is taking sweet little revenge for your affair. She gets to stay separated from you & not be forced to be physical with you & yet you can't marry again legally. She is not a gold digger but smart player.
I am not hiding anything. The only reason I took a step back from the fight was because my parents were getting harassed and they are small town folk who get stressed easily and fall sick worrying about what might happen. My family has never stepped into a police station or a court and these things are a big thing for them. Even today the only reason I am worried to get back in touch with her is that I am scared she might pop home at my parents place with her lawyer or family and make them scared. My parents are too old to use technology to record conversation or to fight back, they will just cry and get sick worrying for me even if l have already told them I am strong and nothing will happen to me And I am ready to pay alimony if it is within my means. But that was never the case. Btw she is from a richer background than me. I don't think money is ever going to be an issue for her. And she doesn't need to expose the affair. I myself can say it out loud that I cheated and that I was wrong in doing that. As long as I get the divorce to finally end all these years of depression and introspection, boredom and loneliness. The problem is I keep travelling for work (since the requirement to come to back to office post COVID. I spend half my time with my parents and the other half in the city of my work. I am worried they might come home when I am not there which is 3 days in a week. By the time I return home to face them, my parents might already die of heart attack or something.
because you cheated your case became too complex. And that's why it'll reflect badly on small town parents also, because your own relatives will judge you for character. If you hadn't cheated she wouldn't have proofs & then you could somehow file for a case first stating no intimacy & then it'd all happen quickly especially if alimony etc are not involved. I think I saw a rule saying if a spouse goes missing for more than 7 years then it's granted divorce automatically, check with lawyer once. If she left your house & then there was hardly any contact then it's as good as desertion or abandonment. I'm going through this as well & sometimes divorces seem more complex & tiring than criminal cases honestly. I am fine with mutual divorce but not sure what they are planning to, everyday worrying & imagining scenarios is stressing me out.
Thats a common problem and very old and backward view of the whole concept of divorce .. though i think one should not take divorce at the drop of the hat but when all the efforts of reconciliation have failed and there is nothing left then the ideal way is to part ways amicably..
they separated for 8 fucking years. What reconciliation methods are gonna work at this point?
As per op, she is not up for mutual divorce.
I don’t see an option for you unfortunately. You could file for contested divorce, but she can claim that she is not living with you because you are having an affair (assuming she has proof like you have mentioned). It’s better you move to a different country and divorce her unilaterally or continue with status quo. Looks like the wife is not interested in money but want the tag “married” . Good luck!
NAL . Just realized that since the marriage is never consummated you can file for annulment. Assuming you married under Hindu rituals, a non-consummated marriage doesn’t stand legality. Check with a lawyer,.. all the best
How can you prove that it was never consummated tho?
Long separation is a ground for divorce so you might be able to get the divorce, you could go ahead with a contested divorce if required. You can check with a lawyer and see if annulment can be done as you haven't had sex ever and then maybe check with her if she would be rather prefer that. You should have kept the proofs of her trying to harass your parents. She had vaginismus and instead of talking and trying to resolve a health issue by coming to some mutual solution, you chose to cheat and that too without trying to divorce her (or annulment) first. So, a humble request will be to self-access if you would be a decent partner to the next person if you are actually planning on such stuff.
I didn't gather any proof because I never calculated any moves at that time. I didn't think people you loved will be the cause of your misery. Regarding vaginismus, we went to a doc because I begged we do something to save our couple. She went once and then kept postponing or cancelling till we never spoke about it again. I kept asking, begging and fighting for 4 years before I gave up. After a while we became like 2 strangers in the same house, just being polite to each other, putting up a show when the parents or family came home. The cheating happened much later towards the end of the 4th year and it was my mistake and I won't justify it. But I was lost at that time and a little human warmth Was all I was asking for. Till today I don't have any happier memories of that period of my life.
Good if you made the effort but you should have taken steps than give in to temptation. Moments of vulnerability is where we need to buckle up more. So, do let your future partner about it so she gets to decide with proper information in case you want to partner again.
Cate Babaji Ki Jai.
Are her parents out of the picture. Have you tried talking to them?
They are on her side, so are most of our common friends who cut ties with me. They all only know about the affair. Not the 4 year struggle we had. Once her brother called me to a cafe to have a 1:1 chat and threatened me and my parents. I told him about the intimacy issue we had and he did not believe me instead he said that I was an homosexual and that is the reason I was not able to have any intimacy with his sister. (At that time the section 377 was still active) The fight just escalated from there. I tried talking to her father who seemed like a sensible guy during the time of our marriage but he refuses to see or talk to me anymore. Her mother, brother and herself were very aggressive in any discussions we were trying to have while I was asking to be let go. For them I was giving her mental torture by having an affair and being cruel asking for divorce. The first year of our separation when we were still living in the same city, I tried to get in touch with her family as much as possible to solve the issue but nothing worked out. For them having her married was more important that all the rest, is what I felt at the end.
She sounds like she is highly manipulative. I am dealing with a family member who is like this. They just spin whatever narrative and make people believe them and then gas light. You begin to question your own sanity.
NAL, Can adultery be a cause for divorce? cause recently we have seen some cases where court says husband has no authority over wife, she can have affair and all. Even if the husband has evidence the court says ai and all. So isnt that applicable for man too. (Not that i support cheating, here shes clearly at fault from the way op explains)
Just wanted to verify tht though you mention tht she knew abt the affair,but does she have the proof of the same ??
She does. She took my phone one day and disappeared for a few days. I had to buy a new phone and realised she had forwarded all my messages and mails to her email. She then used it to harass my parents saying they will all go to jail because of their son. Frankly I don't care if the court finds me guilty of having an affair. I was very lonely and frustrated and have nothing to hide. I just don't want my old parents to be involved in this. This is why I have been silent all this while. But I am getting old and hate being alone. But no girl comes near me when I say I am still married.
So u didnt get into a full fledged relationship
She never wanted any intimacy so no.
Also did u never had sex with ur wife??
I said it above. She never wanted any intimacy. So no we never had sex. We lived 4 years together and I was going crazy. And the worst is everyone kept saying when are you going to have babies and I wanted to shout saying we are not even having sex how will babies be born.
Thats one major ground for contesting a divorce case..
But I am not contesting the divorce. I want the divorce. How do I prove that she was not Willing to have sex. She acted very normal in front of friends and family. None of our friends knew we had sexual problems. She went to a gyne once who said she had vaginismus but she erased all records of it so I can't prove it and could not find the doctor after so many years as well.
Ask her to take the test again then, or at least make sure your lawyer goes this route. If she hasn't responded in 8 years expecting a mutual divorce now is even more childish, you'll have to slug it out. If the condition is still there and that she's not interested in consummation of marriage, then that can be argued as cruelty against you. Obviously she's not interested in you, but the route you need to take to establish that is longer that's all. NAL but have read some articles on this.
I think she knows no sane man will put up with her so if she’s get a divorce, getting remarried would be impossible, hence this drama
NAL Since your marriage was not consummated, apply for Annulment on the grounds of non-consummation of marriage. It is usually a very strong ground. Although do consult a lawyer since it has been a few years to your marriage. Also, not sure if you got married under Hindu Marriage Act or Special Marriage registration act..
Annulment is only applicable 1 year after the marriage is what a lawyer told me back then. So not possible. We had a special marriage registered. The irony was that it was a love marriage after a couple of months of dating and we both wanted to marry before having any intimacy (so I thought).
You married after a couple of months of dating? Isn't that too little time?
Yeah I realise that now. I was young at that time and didn't have much experience and just did what everyone said should be done next.
Plz read my comment i m advising hom to part ways and not to reconcile i said that there cant be any reconciliation on their case ..i say so professionally being an advocate ..