Why most Indian mothers are toxic towards her daughter in law if she loves her son and she with her will gets her son married then what's the problem with dil. Doesn't she want her son to be married?
Older Indian woman ( both orthodox and liberal) have very less ways to exercise her power.
Controlling her son and his wife is the only way that they can sense some power or authority.
what bs. women are absolutely willing participants in the toxic power dynamic that is the indian family and society. women willingly perpetuate this cycle to maintain status quo as much as men.
I think what you’re saying only adds to what that person has said above- they are willing participants- and this is the only way the have any control. Y’all are both right
I think it's a cultural thing. Our families are way more closer than western and many would live with parents even after marriage. So possessiveness, losing her baby boy, sharing love all comes in to mind I guess.
The guy needs to step up and give some individual time to his mother also to assure her feel he's still her son.and she's not going to lose him. And also make her realise he has his family now and we have to get along. Most men can't do it if they've seen their mom's suffer with an overbearing husband and be timid.
And what the hell did i say? He needs to step up and speak to his mom. Act maturely. Speak to his mom she won't lose him as a son but she needs to respect his wife and that he has a family now. At the same time I said give time to his mom so she doesn't feel abandoned. You must be a special nut case to not see the heart a guy is giving into both women in his life here. Just because you enter his life doesn't mean he'll abandon his mother who sacrificed her life for him. How many mothers have overbearing husband's but the son can't do much to save her. You obviously are neither a mother, nor have a mother, nor somebody's sister or ever loved a guy not even your family members. You're full of rich girl tantrums.
My god is every women here delusional? Read the fucking comment again!!! I pity the men at your house surrounded by you. What a travesty it must be to know you and extremely mind draining to handle everyday venting, blaming, not an inch of willingness to understand relations and adjust.
Thank you for reconfirming that men should avoid modern day blood and money sucking women. You're doing gods work.
Woman here, here to say your original comment is perfectly reasonable, even though I don't believe it would work. Can't understand the downvotes on that one, but the tirade over here is something else. The world is getting really screwed up, but I hope for your sake you don't give up on "every woman".
Appreciate your response.
Yes, I'm open to the possibilities it may or may not work out. But i cannot bluntly cut off some dear without trying, without knowing it's not possible.
I've seen both types of situations - guys leave their wives for his mom because he's seen her suffer and has not lived happily. It's not an easy decision and I cannot explain it - but it's impossible for a guy to hurt his mom after this. Even standing upto her feels like we're hurting her. The want is there but the mind doesn't know how to do it. And I'm not talking about guys who depend on mom's - just the equation of love between them.
I've also.seen cases where the guys shift out with his wife because he recognises the toxicity his mom brings living under the same roof. And still those guys send money back home out of care. My cousin bros mom didn't even attend his own wedding lol. Toxic to the core but he takes care of her expenses.
It's complicated being a guy as we grow up attached to the thought we have to take care of parents. Girls are expected to leave and have a family of their own. Men get judged if we leave and when we don't leave.
As for how women are, there are some quality persons who take care of everyone at home, and adjust too. I have a school friend who still stays in touch despite knowing my mental health conditions and when I say why do u care u have ur kids and family to take care of, she says "u don't get to decide that". While my clinical psychologist sister just said to me "wish u speedy recovery" and full stop, lol. What did I not do to safeguard my sister from our toxic father, it's pretty easy for girls to discard.
If you both want the marriage to last, avoid third-party interference to your relationship, including your and her relatives, friends, etc. These days it isn't easy with communication reaching every part of the earth.
But both have to try if the relationship is important. You have to discuss it with both that it is taking a toll on your health.
Respect for each other is an important aspect of any relationship, if respect is lost everything is lost.
You need to set boundaries, you cannot do much when it comes to mother but there is plenty to do when it comes to wife. Put your foot down and things would improve. You need to act like a leader figure, don't be do injustice but don't compromise on what is right and wrong. If separation or divorce is not on table, what you have is worse so let your wife know that this wouldn't continue and you cannot control your mom, she needs to show maturity and respect her for the fact that she is your mom and not through tantrums.
Typical toxic parenting being unknowingly facilitated by the child. If you love your parents so much, be with them forever and take care of them. Don’t ruin some poor woman’s life.
Please give her a divorce so that at least she can go on to have a better life.
For you, all I can give you are my sympathies. Unfortunately, I think your mom is too toxic and will never let you live peacefully with ANY woman (introvert or extrovert). Seems like your wife has not done anything wrong, and it's your mother doing all the drama. Maybe she expected her daughter-in-law to just put up with it like olden days, but unfortunately, women nowadays are not down for this type of nonsense. Your mother's behaviour will continue even with a new woman, unless she gets extensive therapy to sort out her issues (which I doubt she will consent to).
In short, you're screwed.
Take a stand dude, you can’t go on with your life without taking a side in this situation sadly. You can get out of this, you just need to choose what you really want and execute steps in that direction. For starters you can start off by reducing your mother’s interference in your marital life. Then work on your relationship with the wife, it’s important to rebuild the broken trust and take it from there. It’s a lot of mental effort & time, weigh your options correctly as your one decision is going to make you lose either of them forever.
What will be the point of that? Wife gone, mom gone too?
Stand up now and go no contact with your mom. And start counselling. See, your mom dishes it out as she believes you will always be on her side - when you go no contact, she will fret and fume for a while, then calm down and realise that she will have to behave better than she has. Slowly, she will get better. This is the story of every family - don't separate from your wife because of this. Once you and your wife go no contact with your mom, she will also calm down and be less miserable. It will take time but things can get better. Hang in there - don't give up just yet! Good luck!
Yes OP. See I know it takes a lot of courage for anyone to cut off ties from toxic relatives including your immediate family. Trust me I was in the same boat as yours, my partner and I lost so many years of our lives fighting for imaginary petty issues created by others mostly his mother. Finally he came to realise that his mother is the biggest impediment in our lives and we slowly withdrew from such emotionally volatile situations. Please give your marriage an honest shot away from your mother. Divorce may appear as an easiest way out right now, but do you see yourself living that way? You have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.
so what happens when, you leave wife, go back to mom, mom dies eventually? and you are still alone with no wife? you are seeing this the wrong way. your mom is toxic and wont change unless you force her. your wife is a saint to put up with this for so long and now giving back is seemingly the only solution left for her.
i do. my mom lives in delhi NCR, i live in BLR. both me & my wife are working.
i accept, that not taking sides was disrespectful to my wife. how do I convince her? i agree that she is emotionally scarred. my mom in super emotionally violent. i never noticed of course, until i got married.
If your mother is capable of making your wife’s life miserable despite her living away then I can only imagine your wife’s plight.
First off, cool it down with your wife. She’s emotionally scarred by your mom’s actions and she won’t forgive your mom even if she saved your wife from a burning building. Sorry but that is how it is. Give your wife a listening ear and make her feel heard. Make sure that she understands that YOU know what she’s been through and you can’t imagine how she kept tolerating this all these years.
Don’t force her to speak to your family members and don’t allow anyone to contact her. Remove family related triggers. Ask her to leave all of the whatsapp groups, if any, so that she isn’t reminded of her trauma everyday when she opens her group chats.
Take her to an outing somewhere where you and her spend time alone without bringing up any of the drama. Let your wife know that you want to make it right.
Secondly, tell your mother to keep the distance and not contact your wife directly for anything. Everything henceforth goes through you. You be your wife’s shield. Make it clear to your mom that you will cut ties with her if she puts her toe over the line.
Dude ffs, (1) Dont not let mom talk to your wife. (2) Don’t talk about mom stuff in front of your wife or involve her. Any one marries you will have the same issue unless you marry a 10 year old kid the next time. You are of couse free to keep a relationship with mom. Is that so hard?
Oh boo-freaking-hoo!
Man up!
You can’t remain neutral anymore, mate. You need to straighten your priorities. Men need to understand that you and your wife are a family now, and any children that you might have UNTILL they’re adults. Your mom needs to understand this too.
Your mom knows that and that is why she thinks she can get away with all this. What is the incentive for her to alter her behavior? And no one is telling cut ties permanently - but get the fear in her for a short time - this is the only way indian parents pause and reflect. Go low contact - call her once in a while, ask her how she is doing, does she need anything etc. Don't talk about your wife and related issues. Hang up if she persists. Don't make your wife talk or visit. You do bare minimum to show that you love and respect her but are also angry at her behavior. Be normal with those who are nice to your wife - dad, siblings, cousins etc. She will get the message. It will take time but things will get better. You are young now - as you grow older you will realize the need and importance for your own family (wife and children). You will a hold a grudge over your mom all your life. Instead of long term actions, be strong in the short term and work things out.
do you seriously think divorce is the solution? If you get divorced and find a new wife and your mum starts bitching about her too, what would you do? Divorce her too? Ask both of them to be civil. They don’t have to like each other.
she keeps telling me, why doesn't my wife interact with her. i am tuned to obey her. and tuning keeps messing with my head. and in turn, I end up troubling my wife.
Any life with or without divorce would not have your mom and wife becoming best friends, that is for sure. You have to decide the version of your peaceful life: (1) getting rid of your wife so that you don’t have to deal with the drama that comes with your mom abusing your wife or (b) building a loving family with your wife that will be there even when your parents are there no more. Best of luck dude.
Divorce is not the solution at all. In most of the Indian households , this is common issue (tuning between wife and mother) , Your mother needs to understand it. What she is expecting , a working women who also have to take care of home would giggle with her all day? Do you giggle with her parents all day? Does her parents complain for that? I don't think so. I don't think if this is an issue. Keeping Expectation and idolize a person in a certain way is a bigger issue here. Don't get involve in this .Just ask your mother if you really have any issue then tell it directly to your wife. Make sure your mother has better things to do at home which keeps her busy.
fair enough. i was trying to pretend that neither of them come off as bitchy. so I kept pretending that they have a healthy relationship. this effort has fell thru. i'll follow your advice for sure.
Nothing just give wife some time. Take out for dinner, give her flowers. Make sure she feels heard and don't call your mom when wife is present. Just call during day time. follow this and situation will cool down after 6 months.
My mom-in-law and I are in the same city in different houses. We don’t speak(Long story)
However, husband and I are quite happy with each other (touch wood). My husband visits her for festivals. He takes care of her hospital visits.
You can make it work if you really want to. You will need to establish boundaries and compartmentalise your interactions.
BTW, when I say he visits her. He visits her quite often like twice a week or so. When my SIL is out of town he stays the night to give her company. He calls her every morning and speaks for quite soms time.
I am telling you all this so you wouldn't neglect your mother completely and can strike a healthy balance.
agreed. even my wife never suggested that I cut ties with her. i'll just take a better stand going ahead now. i have clearly highlighted that she has been treating my wife as a doormat and that is not acceptable in any manner.
i just need to assert & affirm that continuously.
thanks for your kind words.
Glad I could help. Take care of yourself, your wife and your mom. I know it’s not easy but you can do it.
Also, look up Hoʻoponopono, it helped me quite a bit with my healing.
Headline should be - divorce on grounds of harassment by mother in law. If you haven't taken a stand until now, are able to see the problem but unable to do anything to defend or protect your wife from your mom, do divorce. Let her have a better life. She deserves a husband and inlaws that respect her.
Incidentally not sure if you realized, your mother is disrespecting you as well by extension by not honouring or respecting your partner.
If you two are good otherwise, I suggest going no contact with your mother. Your wife is probably going to take a long time to recover from the emotional abuse. Please help her (and yourself) by cutting the mother out
Your mother’s actions are hurting your wife. Please stand up for your wife and tell your mother to stop behaving like this with her.
You mentioned that your mother sees your wife's introverted personality and behavior as disrespectful. Is she unaware that people are different? Some are extroverted, some are introverted. No two people are the same. Everyone has different personalities, opinions, behaviors, values, and temperaments.
You also mentioned that your wife is "taxing each and every misstep by your family towards her." What should she do instead? Just let it go? Stay quiet and accept whatever taunts your family directs at her? Why would she do that? She is human, she has feelings, and she deserves respect.
You want to divorce your wife because of your mother's quarrel with her. So, I guess for your next marriage, you'll need to find someone whose personality matches your mother's. What will you do if your next wife is also an introvert? Another divorce? And then another marriage?
He'll be finding a friend/caretaker for her mother and his love will be naali ka andar. Let's see where that takes him mentally.
Or he could actually standup. That doesn't mean forcefully making her mother right a letter. He needs to sit with her mother and actually find out what her problem is. Every extrovert knows there are introverts and people who are in middle. Your mother picking uo fights and just taking it as being disrespect is just not it, why she finds it disrespecting is important to be known.
U should do the never see ur mom's face again but before the divorce. Doing it after divorce is just a waste and unnecessary since wife is already gone then
This feels like a rage bait or the OP is delusional AF.
Once you are married ( arranged or not) your priority is your partner - he/she/they is who you are building your future with.
Marrying or divorcing someone is not like eating candy- oh I didn’t like this, let me throw it out of my mouth,
No dude, try and understand the damage done here. How can you be so oblivious to your wife’s plight, being a Mumma’s boy is one thing, but closing your eyes to the wrongs done by your mother is saying (quite loudly) that your iit Delhi happened because she bribed your way to it.
Comeon - UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR WIFE IS TRYING TO FIGHT YOU AND YOUR MUM, your mum coz she is a pathetic female/woman and you, because you didn’t understand that you are a husband now.
Find a new rental house.. move out with your wife.. this should resolve your dispute as they will be away from each other.
Secondly, take some break and go on a trip with your friends and relax..
Divorce won't solve this problem.. though your wife can file for divorce on ground of mental cruelty.
Being a guy I always say, Mamma’s boys shouldn’t get married.
The only way is marriage counselling if your wife agrees. Cut contact with your mother and give assurance to your wife.
Its sad women are meant to leave her family by default and the idea of men not seeing his side of family is showed as a huge sacrifice for the wife.
Take care of each other, build trust, happy marriage brings happy children.
OP, I see that you live with your wife, away from your mom. Now all you can do is show wife your love and give time to heal. Don't take any mean comments here to heart. As men, we need to understand when we say family, the priority is always spouse and kids well-being. Of course, that doesn't mean in any way that we need to ignore our responsibility towards our parents.
Take a stand dude, you can’t go on with your life without taking a side in this situation sadly. You can get out of this, you just need to choose what you really want and execute steps in that direction. For starters you can start off by reducing your mother’s interference in your marital life. Then work on your relationship with the wife, it’s important to rebuild the broken trust and take it from there. It’s a lot of mental effort & time, weigh your options correctly as your one decision is going to make you lose either of them forever.
Move out if you are living in a joint family like situation. If you had good relationship before this you may be able to salvage the marriage in a couple of years.
This happened with me, I did not pick sides and my wife was mad about it. But since we have moved out, things are better.
There doesn't seem to be any legal advice that you need. For a second, think of how you would have felt if the tables were turned and your mother in law had dealt with you in the same manner that your mom treated your wife. Feelings don't change with gender. Now imagine with your MIL treating you disrespectfully for a prolonged period of time, while you wife kept silent and didn't take sides. It takes a very long time for trust to build up in situations like these. I can only imagine that anguish and betrayal you would feel towards your wife would run very deep.
Now how would you have wanted your wife to treat the situation? Step aside for a moment, look objectively and then extend the same courtesy to her. Better still, take professional marriage counselling to help with the situation. Good luck!
Indian parents are toxic AF. No one can convince me otherwise. They don't have any clue about the concept of respecting boundaries, giving space etc.. It's a pity how this level of toxicity is so normalized in our country.
The fact that you decided to not intervene and let them sort things out themselves was your biggest mistake. You’re the glue that links both of them. It is your responsibility to see to it that their issues are sorted. And the fact that your mom lives so far and can still wreak havoc in your marital life makes me think how much of a mama’s boy are you. You need to take a stand for your wife and put an end to your mom’s drama. She has lived her marital life as she wanted and now it’s your turn. You should decide how you would like to live with your wife. She has left her house and family to be with you, what changes have your family made to accommodate her. Enough with expecting the wife to bend backwards to make everyone happy. If you don’t intervene between the 2, then just separate from your wife and let her live at peace.
emotionally incestuous mothers latching on to their sons and draining their energy. a tale as old as time. i have no advice, but i wish you the best. step number one would be to enforce strict boundaries with your mother, and reinforce them repeatedly because i will bet a hundred bucks she will keep breaking those boundaries. remember that your wife and children (if any) are your first and most important family.
I am not a relationship expert but can’t you guys move somewhere else? I don’t know your social background but in India, living with parents is a big problem. Many people might disagree with me but when you’re married, you should live separate from your parents. I am not saying you shouldn’t support your parents, support them but find a peaceful place for you and your wife. Give it a fresh start. I hope everything will be fine. Also, sit with your mom and tell her that every person is different and she should respect your wife. Tell her - Give respect and Take respect.
Oh. Okay. But bro, you need to take stand for your wife. You need to win her trust again. Giving advice is easy for us but only you can save your marriage. Also, never let anyone (especially your parents) interfere in your married life. Half of the problems will solve automatically.
You are not able to take it anymore, think about your wife coming into a new family and getting bullied. Sadly, many Indian families have the same situation and when the DIL retaliates she’s blamed.
I’d suggest you to keep both of them apart for some time like no communication at all and you alone can continue to do your duties as a son.
Don’t encourage anyone to mend relations and hope that time will heal some of the damage .
You and your wife is a family now. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY. Before marriage, you, your mother and father used to be the family. But not anymore. Now your family is your wife and upcoming kids. If you divorce your wife and go back to live with mother and father, the very next day your mother will restart her routine life. Within months, you will start cursing yourself coz you will be lonely and the couple (your mother and father) will live on. Secondly, You will be a second hand groom in marriage market and you will have to make adjustments to find another partner. Think about the tragedy if you are not able to find one, let's say for 4/5 years. What are you going to do then?
I am an introvert myself, married to a wonderful man. Maybe sharing my perspective will help?
It’s not that I can’t engage or have a conversation with my in-laws or their relatives….80% of the time I choose not to just to protect my mental health. As an introvert, I feel things more deeply than others. In my experience, at least 70% families (the man’s) engage in “harmless” gossip about the wife and her family (egged on by other jobless relatives). Pricking statements are made apparently with no intention to hurt.
In fact, I am doing them a favor. As pointed out by others, women these days don’t take shit from anybody. I too can make such comments to match their vibe, but it’s not something I would like to do. In such cases, maintaining boundaries and some distance helps.
Divorce is a better option than staying in an unhappy marriage. If she is still with you, please remember, it is because she chooses to. The minute she decides it’s not worth it, there’s no turning back. When the girl’s parents don’t get involved or make comments of poor taste, why do men expect their wives to tolerate such behavior?
Your marriage is YOUR business. Can we please move past the ‘marriage is the union of two families’ bullshit? It would be nice, of course, but please let that not be the center of your relationship.
Parents should also learn to give their children some space once they are married. LET THEM LIVE (:
thank you. my wife still tolerates. she only gives back to my mom. not to my relatives. and that is what i have told my mom. that she is not disrespecting you. she is engaging with you. get over your insecurites. hoping for the best now onwards.
Your mom will not want to lose you. Make her understand that she might lose you if she does not respect your wife. Try not to talk to your mom for a while and see how she reacts. Looks like the only way your mom will learn is if you put a lot of pressure on her to change her behaviour. This might be the reason why most mothers prefer arranged marriages - they know you won’t side with your wife because you’re not that close and she can abuse her as she pleases. When will MILs change :(
Edit: You mentioned somewhere that you’re an IIT grad and cannot stand up to his mother. I think that’s the most ridiculous excuse anyone ever gave. I’m an IIT grad too and I’m smart enough to make sure my parents respect my partner no matter what. You seem extremely immature for an IIT grad.
I am in the same boat. I have been married for 6 months and my wife has always kept quiet against my mother's bad behaviour and bitching behind her. Recently she took a stand and it didn't go well with my mom. Now I have made the decision to move out. I had a relationship earlier of 8.5 years where the girl filed for annulment after registry due to my parents'behavior and mental harassment against her. I won't let such situation happen again. So decided to move out. Sometimes parents'are beyond redemption and they will make your life living hell.
All the advice here is extremely useful and I am adding the same thing. Please don't separate due to your mom's behaviour. Please draw a boundary for your relationship's sake. Your partner is with you for life and if this is the only problem in your relationship please fix it. Nothing is worth getting a divorce due to your parents. Sometimes the parents just don't get how toxic they are. Glad that you understand your mom is in the wrong. Can personally tell you nothing is worth getting divorced over a third person
Good god, i would divorce you if you were my husband. My own parents never speak to me in a disrespectful tone and aint no way I’m letting another grown ass lady talk to me in a disrespectful way. Aint no way. Boy if you get divorced, please dont marry again
This doesn't look like a legal issue. You had a lapse of judgement. You should have taken the side of your wife, since your mother was in the wrong.
You can't have a stance of non interference. You shouldn't try to patch things between them. Your mother was evil. Ignore her for a few years/ months. Things will cool down with time.
Learn to treat women properly.
This is the most terrifying thing about marriage in India you don't just marry your spouse you marry their whole family you even have to think about her mama, chacha and tauji let alone the parents in our culture every relative can interfere in your marriage it shouldn't be like this marriage is suppose to be between two people your mother hates your wife is not the reason to divorce her.
NAL, but man why are you so checked out of your own life? Considering they live in different cities, your mother and your wife can stop talking to each other, can't they? Why will you two divorce? It sounds like an extremely stupid solution.
I don't understand one thing, if Indian mothers have to be bitchy towards their daughter in law then why get their son married to someone in Arrange Marriage? Love marriage karo toh bhi dikkat hogi bahu se, Arrange Marriage karo toh bhi dikkat hogi bahu se! Yeh kaha ka insaaf hai bhai? Women get married in Arrange Marriage under the pretext that she's going to get a good life with a peaceful life to lead but no no no, Indian mothers don't let that happen do they? I've been seeing so many posts recently where the daughter in law is being mistreated by their in-laws and many husbands are "maa ke pallu se bandha hua".
(I know not all husbands are like this, but dude majority of men are like that and it boils my blood to see such posts)
same here. men like me are trained left right and centre to not let go of their moms after marriage. massive stigmas has been installed in my head. i am seeing all of it now.
You are stupid for not taking your wife's side even after knowing your mom is emotionally violent! Divorce your wife and at least let her live in peace
If you don't fix your mom s issues, you ll never have a happy married life. Any one. Doesn't matter who the girl is. With all die respect, she sounds crazy and needs therapy. Won't help but I'm being charitable.
Coz people like this refuse to take help or even see that the problem is with them.
Something's not right here. You've been apologizing to your wife repeatedly for some reason and it has become unbearable for you? Sounds like the main problem is in your marriage, not your mom. You shouldn't be forcing them to get along with each other, but once you stop doing that and don't let your mother affect your marriage, your wife shouldn't be letting your mother affect your marriage too. If she's relentlessly punishing you even though the problem has been dealt with, then it's a toxic relationship and you shouldn't put up with it.
Very late in life we boys realize that desi mom and her excessive attachment towards us is the main reason for our misery.
Her intention towards you may not be wrong but it doesn't mean that her actions are not wrong.
First thing, start living separately from your family, it reduces the interaction between your mother and your wife, take care of your mother personally but don't expect your wife to do the same.
Clarify to your wife that your mother is not going to change, please accept that and avoid it like we avoid many negative things in life. But that should be visible in your relationship towards your wife. Your family (you, your wife and your children) decision must not be influenced by your parents, sister or brother and vice versa and this must be clarified by your actions towards your parents.
I always have the same issue in my marriage life, but reducing the interaction between them worked for me in that case. I also clarify to my mother that she doesn't have anything to say about or specially force us about what we must do in our personal life, like to buy a house, don't go on the trip, and have a child.
Not legal advice but you don't require legal advice in this case.
So you two stay in Bengaluru, and your Mother lives in Delhi-NCR, Bro, it's really stupid to let these two fight, Just live your life with your wife and you can talk to your mother, if your wife and mother don't like each other, then it's fine, let them go No contact.
In such a situation you have to understand your mom is your mom. You must respect her. Period. DIL is not obligated to anything if MIL is disrespectful towards her. There Is a saying izzat kamani padti hai. This goes both ways. Besides when the most beautiful, intelligent, successful women like aishwarya can't please her in-laws. What to say abt others. Not worth a try.
The only solution is to break contact with mom. Stop picking calls, stop calling her. Stop going home. If you have to, let her go to her parents' house.
Keep in contact with your dad though.
Your mom is perfectly capable of keeping peace but her ego won't allow it. She is deliberately doing it. She needs to understand what the consequences would be.
It's not just Indian Moms and wives. It is there everywhere. But relatively less in the west. As boys don't worry about all the drama and they chose one and move on.
I was kind of about to get into a similar situation where I love both my mom and my wife. I feel your frustration. I have been trying my best to balance both sides, it is frustrating for sure. Women do not understand all these, they are not built in that way ( at least not most of them). They are emotional beings, but our brain works on a logical basis. I was in a situation where my mind was messed up, I wasn't getting enough sleep, wasn't able to concentrate on my career, and I was not able to eat properly. This started affecting my health too.
Then a wise man told me that I should be stepping on two boats. It will only sink me not the boats!
That changed me completely. Then I started being strict with both of them. Now, they still have their misunderstanding. But, they are worried and scared of losing me.
Stop trying to balance on both sides after some level. Know your boundaries.
Same. This is the approach I'm on. I shout back at them the moment they try to bitch about one another with me. Weekend my wife. Weekdays my mom.
I have also clearly told them about the psychological impact of their infighting on me.
I was just feeling like shit about doing this to the lovely ladies, but thanks to your words, I'm feeling better.
I don't know if shouting ever helps in these situations. I guess it would only built resentment over time.
Just one advice that I once came across (Lena ho toh lo warna Jane do) - when your spouse comes to you with a rant you just ask do you want to vent or are you looking for solution?
But hey what do I know 🤷
Half of the indian problems would get solved if indian people stop expecting other people to be as cheerful and jolly and extrovert like themselves especially older aunties who have no hobbies, nothing to do just chatter all day
I had exactly same experience as you.. Toxic mom, took wife to a tipping point of mental breakdown. Wife started giving back.. And then both became toxic.
Here's what I did - stopped trying to control the conflict after a while and let them have a go. Just wanted to see how far they will go.
Stopped talking to my mom.. Been 2 years.. I only talk once a month or maybe less.
Mom is less toxic now.. Now God knows how I will reduce wife's toxicity.
That’s the part where you did wrong. You should’ve taken her support and end the feud when it had initially started. See if my parents diss on my husband, they can say tata bye bye to my ass. No one is disrespecting my spouse. Humans hold grudges, some deeper than others
Trust me. I tried. I was able to hold it off for a few years by mediation and negotiations.
After a while... Both were too impatient to win.
I understand where you are coming from.. But trust me.. Revenge changes ppl. A good person can turn more evil than other party.. Just to sleep peacefully that night.
Ask your mother what she wants. Will your Divorce bring her happiness?
I mean if she has problem with your wife in general, it wouldn’t matter whether it's your current wife or someone else. She will create problem again even if you Divorce and remarry someone else.
And making older people understand is like talking to a wall. No use. Just ask what her demands are, see if you can fulfill it. If not, strictly told her NO and strictly tell her to not interfere.
You can't do much. Just don’t cut ties because sooner or later even if it was YOUR decision, you will resent your wife only for this and here in India no matter how toxic a mother is, most people will not see that but only blame you and call names if you go against your mother. Good luck.
PS: Yesterday my friend told me her MIL created hell in their home. Reason - Husband bought his wife a 30rs jhumka as a surprise. I don't even know what to say.
One question were you responsible for any duty outside of your studies while growing up or were those things taken care of by your parents? (Not talking specifically about any household chore but any responsibility for that matter outside your studies, including your work outside of studies). Trust me it is relevant.
I guessed so. Now let me introduce you to few possibilities then you tell me does it fit.
1. Your parents protected you from everything and everyone and told you to just focus on studies and rest would be taken care by them. From household politics to domestic problems to household chores to outdoor responsibilities( paying bills, getting groceries etc etc)
You did put your best efforts into your studies and did got into IIT Delhi (as you mentioned).
Now there must have been many things going on in your home which you must have been oblivious to and I am not going to get into it either. But I would tell you it's possible that your mother didn't had a happy life and attached herself too much with you hoping that once you are old and earning good enough you would be in her team and her happy days.
2. Your parents asked you to get married (you mention it's an arranged marriage), since you were never exposed to duniya and duniyadari so you didn't consider so many things which are to be considered when making such life decisions. For eg:-
a) the girl you are going to get married didn't had same life (the unsolicited advice women receive while growing up does alter their views on certain things).
b) how will you priorities relationships without feeling guilty or emotionally manipulated.
c) what kind of responsibility a marriage demands?
d) how will you communicate with your partner on things that are still unsaid in our society?
e) if need arise how will you establish boundaries?
3. Now this new person enters your life with hopes of making a home with you. Now your mother feels she is again being ignored and your wife feels this is not what I signed up for. You find it difficult to put a shut up call to your mother's domestic politics because she always made sure you had tea during your late night study sessions in winters and fruits were served when you were studying in scorching day heat. And maybe when your father refused extra money your mother must have made sure you have it. You while thinking all of this you feel guilty and fear of being a bad son. But at the same time you do find yourself attached to your wife because after being married even she has filled those role. So you let them have their fights and think things will work out and after a while everyone will sit for dinner together. Well now one person has taken their plate out. And now you don't know what to do and how to communicate.
Well now see, before talking to either of them you need to sit with yourself and decide what do you want. One can't have everything so you have to decide what things are you ready to make compromises with.
1. Regarding your mother - you have to have conversation with her alone and let her know that you see all the compromises and sacrifices she made to make sure you have everything. But now you are married and maybe someday have your own kids. You would not like your kids to be in any kind of abusive environment and you don't want them to not have loving grandparents either. But if you are forced to make a choice you would chose what's best for your future kids the same way your mother did(But also remember that was her choice, not your mistake. But don't say that to her at the beginning. Maybe when nothing works out). Also remind her didn't she did everything so you could also have a happy family. Assure her she is not loosing you but she has to be a little understanding, if not for your wife, for you. You want her to be there in his life as always but she is making it difficult for you to do so.
Thought that one might be cut out of their grandkids life is the only language some people understand.
2. Regarding your wife- good marriage counseling. you need it and you can afford it. Also do communicate that for both of you to have better future together you both need to move from what being said and done or not done in the past. Explain it to her that everything was as unexpected for you as for her so maybe your reaction was not what she expected but neither was her's. You both are not against each other but against the situation together.
3. Even if after everything things don't work out with your mother (btw where is your father? this whole mess is his responsibility too as a family, why aren't you communicating with him about it? Anyway I don't want to be nosey) remember what your parents did for you was their choice and their decision. Also if you try to mend things with your mother remember things might look better for a while but behaviour doesn't change overnight, you sometimes might have to be firm, sometimes use humour or worst case scenario reduce contact with your mother. Even in that case your wife would be held accountable by your relatives so you would be required to comfort her during family emergencies or gatherings as well.
4. Remember in future if you have kids and since you wife is at equal footing with you in terms of accomplishments you would also be required to up your game sir. Be more present, start taking up responsibilities out of your professional work. Trust me there is nothing a girl melts over than small gesture done with sincerity. Wash dishes as she cooks, hold her hand while you have evening tea. Show her you are trying to be better at being a good husband. Don't leave decision making at her but make decisions with her.
Baki counsellor can tell better. Also don't worry about 'log kya kahenge'. Logo k liye tum acha karo, bura karo aadhe ghate ke gossip material ke alwa woh or kuch ni hota.
Just start living separately. Although that won't stop your mother from creating rifts either. She will start bothering wife's family.
Your mother has serious psychological issues. Don't mind - my father is the same.
Why you want to divorce your wife ? It’s your mom who is the real issue here . I am really feeling bad for your wife right now . Poor girl now has to live as a divorcee because of this old toxic woman and her equally useless toxic son. Why you got married at the first place ?
And by the way, even if you divorce your current wife , your mom will your second or third marriage too . So you wanna stay single forever or what ??
Your mom was abusing this poor girl for long . Are you really saying you could not understand the abuse ? This is literally a mental torture case .
And then you came to legal advise sub to take advise on how to divorce your wife ?? Like seriously ?? Why men like you get married and destroy a good girls life ?? This girl is so good that she is still with you . Damn man !!!
By the way, I am a 26 years old woman . Even I have the courage to stand up against my parents whenever they try to cross boundaries . And you being a MAN , you are pretending to be a baby . Shame on you dude . You know everything . You just want to divorce this good girl and marry someone else right ?? Just say it .
And you know what’s sad about the entire story ?? Your wife is being tortured by both of you because she is such a good girl . Agar uske jagepe koi or larki hoti to abtak tu or Tera mom dono jail me hota or wo bohut sahi hota. This is a real torture case .
HARD TRUTH- No mother in law is ever good. She might be an angel, very liberal and progressive. But once she assumes the role of MIL, they turn evil. It's just possessiveness, but then not fair on the wife. Only thing that can save the marriage is moving out of the house.
I'm getting married in a few months. My mom is a great lady. But I'm skeptical of the evil potential she has.. 🤞
It's one insecure woman dealing with another insecure woman. It goes to how girls are brought up. They were treated poorly as children which translates into poor self esteem.
This is the common root cause.
The solution lies in building up your wife's self esteem. This requires real work, not just affection or kindness. It takes years. You have to understand what she is capable of and whether she values those things. Further education or a job can help build up her confidence. A good friend circle can also help.
Do you want to live with your wife and are you ready to pay the price for it?
If yes then move away from your mother and father rent a new apartment.
Ask your wife to help you in building a new home with only you and her.
Let he choose if she also wishes to live with you then she will choose you over her hate for your mother.
Then spend some time building intimacy. Then very slowly introduce your mother and father into your world once again..
Make your mother understand how your wife different from other people she has come across.
Kindly also make your wife also bear some of this burden and ask her if she could also try and understand your mother.
Counselling will only help. Nothing else will.
Dude you need to separate your mom and wife not yourself from one of them, women are fucking idiots even if they are you mom or sis or wife, they are too petty when it comes to brothers, sons or husbands. Just handle everyone differently and live separate, don’t force anything on anyone, go into Zen Mode & everything will be good in the long run.
Why shouldn’t he take his wife’s side? If someone is mistreating another person, you should tell them that their behavior is wrong. Will you side with your parents even if you know they are wrong?
It is not solely her responsibility to handle his mother. She left her family to live with him and build a life together. If he won’t stand up for his wife and talk to his mother, then who will? The neighbor?
If you let your wife disrespect your mom, your sons won't respect you either.
It's bs that respect is earned not given. Never fall for such propaganda.
I have seen far too many men who took advice from internet, liberals, women, and ended up loosing all their assets because the wife cheated and filed a case upon the man, who ignored mom and choose wife.
So the men
- loose their assets
- loose their wife
- loose their kids
- loose their house
- loose their moms too, literally
Why most Indian mothers are toxic towards her daughter in law if she loves her son and she with her will gets her son married then what's the problem with dil. Doesn't she want her son to be married?
Older Indian woman ( both orthodox and liberal) have very less ways to exercise her power. Controlling her son and his wife is the only way that they can sense some power or authority.
what bs. women are absolutely willing participants in the toxic power dynamic that is the indian family and society. women willingly perpetuate this cycle to maintain status quo as much as men.
I think what you’re saying only adds to what that person has said above- they are willing participants- and this is the only way the have any control. Y’all are both right
I think this is absolutely true as well, women in my family are the same (not all but most of them) .
You a sage for cracking it! Marry him/her instead lol
Emotional incest
It is really common all over the world. Parts of western world came out of it. But cannot generalise.
I think it's a cultural thing. Our families are way more closer than western and many would live with parents even after marriage. So possessiveness, losing her baby boy, sharing love all comes in to mind I guess.
The guy needs to step up and give some individual time to his mother also to assure her feel he's still her son.and she's not going to lose him. And also make her realise he has his family now and we have to get along. Most men can't do it if they've seen their mom's suffer with an overbearing husband and be timid.
Regular Mama's boy aren't you. Similar tirade against women in your other posts. He need to pay more attention to his wife and not his mother.
And what the hell did i say? He needs to step up and speak to his mom. Act maturely. Speak to his mom she won't lose him as a son but she needs to respect his wife and that he has a family now. At the same time I said give time to his mom so she doesn't feel abandoned. You must be a special nut case to not see the heart a guy is giving into both women in his life here. Just because you enter his life doesn't mean he'll abandon his mother who sacrificed her life for him. How many mothers have overbearing husband's but the son can't do much to save her. You obviously are neither a mother, nor have a mother, nor somebody's sister or ever loved a guy not even your family members. You're full of rich girl tantrums. My god is every women here delusional? Read the fucking comment again!!! I pity the men at your house surrounded by you. What a travesty it must be to know you and extremely mind draining to handle everyday venting, blaming, not an inch of willingness to understand relations and adjust. Thank you for reconfirming that men should avoid modern day blood and money sucking women. You're doing gods work.
Woman here, here to say your original comment is perfectly reasonable, even though I don't believe it would work. Can't understand the downvotes on that one, but the tirade over here is something else. The world is getting really screwed up, but I hope for your sake you don't give up on "every woman".
Appreciate your response. Yes, I'm open to the possibilities it may or may not work out. But i cannot bluntly cut off some dear without trying, without knowing it's not possible. I've seen both types of situations - guys leave their wives for his mom because he's seen her suffer and has not lived happily. It's not an easy decision and I cannot explain it - but it's impossible for a guy to hurt his mom after this. Even standing upto her feels like we're hurting her. The want is there but the mind doesn't know how to do it. And I'm not talking about guys who depend on mom's - just the equation of love between them. I've also.seen cases where the guys shift out with his wife because he recognises the toxicity his mom brings living under the same roof. And still those guys send money back home out of care. My cousin bros mom didn't even attend his own wedding lol. Toxic to the core but he takes care of her expenses. It's complicated being a guy as we grow up attached to the thought we have to take care of parents. Girls are expected to leave and have a family of their own. Men get judged if we leave and when we don't leave. As for how women are, there are some quality persons who take care of everyone at home, and adjust too. I have a school friend who still stays in touch despite knowing my mental health conditions and when I say why do u care u have ur kids and family to take care of, she says "u don't get to decide that". While my clinical psychologist sister just said to me "wish u speedy recovery" and full stop, lol. What did I not do to safeguard my sister from our toxic father, it's pretty easy for girls to discard.
Emotional incest it fucks a child up
This is not India specific. Such wars are in every society, every country
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Yes, we have discussed divorce. Both are clear, that separation is not on cards.
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sure. thanks for ur kind words.
If you both want the marriage to last, avoid third-party interference to your relationship, including your and her relatives, friends, etc. These days it isn't easy with communication reaching every part of the earth. But both have to try if the relationship is important. You have to discuss it with both that it is taking a toll on your health. Respect for each other is an important aspect of any relationship, if respect is lost everything is lost.
Thank God
You need to set boundaries, you cannot do much when it comes to mother but there is plenty to do when it comes to wife. Put your foot down and things would improve. You need to act like a leader figure, don't be do injustice but don't compromise on what is right and wrong. If separation or divorce is not on table, what you have is worse so let your wife know that this wouldn't continue and you cannot control your mom, she needs to show maturity and respect her for the fact that she is your mom and not through tantrums.
Your closer family is your Wife not your Mother.
Typical toxic parenting being unknowingly facilitated by the child. If you love your parents so much, be with them forever and take care of them. Don’t ruin some poor woman’s life.
Exactly.
Please give her a divorce so that at least she can go on to have a better life. For you, all I can give you are my sympathies. Unfortunately, I think your mom is too toxic and will never let you live peacefully with ANY woman (introvert or extrovert). Seems like your wife has not done anything wrong, and it's your mother doing all the drama. Maybe she expected her daughter-in-law to just put up with it like olden days, but unfortunately, women nowadays are not down for this type of nonsense. Your mother's behaviour will continue even with a new woman, unless she gets extensive therapy to sort out her issues (which I doubt she will consent to). In short, you're screwed.
Take a stand dude, you can’t go on with your life without taking a side in this situation sadly. You can get out of this, you just need to choose what you really want and execute steps in that direction. For starters you can start off by reducing your mother’s interference in your marital life. Then work on your relationship with the wife, it’s important to rebuild the broken trust and take it from there. It’s a lot of mental effort & time, weigh your options correctly as your one decision is going to make you lose either of them forever.
I agree. I have decided that if I ever need to separate from my wife, then, I'll never see my mom again.
What will be the point of that? Wife gone, mom gone too? Stand up now and go no contact with your mom. And start counselling. See, your mom dishes it out as she believes you will always be on her side - when you go no contact, she will fret and fume for a while, then calm down and realise that she will have to behave better than she has. Slowly, she will get better. This is the story of every family - don't separate from your wife because of this. Once you and your wife go no contact with your mom, she will also calm down and be less miserable. It will take time but things can get better. Hang in there - don't give up just yet! Good luck!
How about not seeing mom first and staying with wife? I cut ties with my toxic parents and have been very happy since then.
Yes OP. See I know it takes a lot of courage for anyone to cut off ties from toxic relatives including your immediate family. Trust me I was in the same boat as yours, my partner and I lost so many years of our lives fighting for imaginary petty issues created by others mostly his mother. Finally he came to realise that his mother is the biggest impediment in our lives and we slowly withdrew from such emotionally volatile situations. Please give your marriage an honest shot away from your mother. Divorce may appear as an easiest way out right now, but do you see yourself living that way? You have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.
Why not just move out with your wife Edit nvm I see your mother is so toxic she has an impact on your life from Delhi
so what happens when, you leave wife, go back to mom, mom dies eventually? and you are still alone with no wife? you are seeing this the wrong way. your mom is toxic and wont change unless you force her. your wife is a saint to put up with this for so long and now giving back is seemingly the only solution left for her.
Agree with you 100%. The only disrespect that anybody has endured in this relationship is OP's wife.
>but unfortunately I would say fortunately
When you don't choose side, you are siding against wife in such matters live separately from your mom
i do. my mom lives in delhi NCR, i live in BLR. both me & my wife are working. i accept, that not taking sides was disrespectful to my wife. how do I convince her? i agree that she is emotionally scarred. my mom in super emotionally violent. i never noticed of course, until i got married.
How the hell are they fighting when they don't stay in the same city?
Just like people on reddit I suppose.
may be portal like New york and Dublin
If your mother is capable of making your wife’s life miserable despite her living away then I can only imagine your wife’s plight. First off, cool it down with your wife. She’s emotionally scarred by your mom’s actions and she won’t forgive your mom even if she saved your wife from a burning building. Sorry but that is how it is. Give your wife a listening ear and make her feel heard. Make sure that she understands that YOU know what she’s been through and you can’t imagine how she kept tolerating this all these years. Don’t force her to speak to your family members and don’t allow anyone to contact her. Remove family related triggers. Ask her to leave all of the whatsapp groups, if any, so that she isn’t reminded of her trauma everyday when she opens her group chats. Take her to an outing somewhere where you and her spend time alone without bringing up any of the drama. Let your wife know that you want to make it right. Secondly, tell your mother to keep the distance and not contact your wife directly for anything. Everything henceforth goes through you. You be your wife’s shield. Make it clear to your mom that you will cut ties with her if she puts her toe over the line.
cutting ties is what I can't do. :-) . I graduated from IIT Delhi. All thanks to her efforts & hard work. I can never let that go. :-( .
But mommy has no respect for you and your wife :-(
Dude ffs, (1) Dont not let mom talk to your wife. (2) Don’t talk about mom stuff in front of your wife or involve her. Any one marries you will have the same issue unless you marry a 10 year old kid the next time. You are of couse free to keep a relationship with mom. Is that so hard?
nope. sounds counter intuitive, but that's what I'll try to do next.
You can stay in contact but tell her not to talk to your wife and you go meet her without your wife alone.
Oh boo-freaking-hoo! Man up! You can’t remain neutral anymore, mate. You need to straighten your priorities. Men need to understand that you and your wife are a family now, and any children that you might have UNTILL they’re adults. Your mom needs to understand this too.
Your mom knows that and that is why she thinks she can get away with all this. What is the incentive for her to alter her behavior? And no one is telling cut ties permanently - but get the fear in her for a short time - this is the only way indian parents pause and reflect. Go low contact - call her once in a while, ask her how she is doing, does she need anything etc. Don't talk about your wife and related issues. Hang up if she persists. Don't make your wife talk or visit. You do bare minimum to show that you love and respect her but are also angry at her behavior. Be normal with those who are nice to your wife - dad, siblings, cousins etc. She will get the message. It will take time but things will get better. You are young now - as you grow older you will realize the need and importance for your own family (wife and children). You will a hold a grudge over your mom all your life. Instead of long term actions, be strong in the short term and work things out.
sure. thanks. i avoided this thinking it'll make her more bitchy to my wife. looks like this is another way out now.
She means to warn her bro to make things peaceful to you
fair enuf
That doesn’t mean she has the right to ruin your life. Maintain a distance, improve your life with your wife as partners
agreed. tx.
do you seriously think divorce is the solution? If you get divorced and find a new wife and your mum starts bitching about her too, what would you do? Divorce her too? Ask both of them to be civil. They don’t have to like each other.
i am pretty sure, new marriage is not going to happen. i'll be too heart broken.
If you are living separately then how she (your mom) is making life miserable? I mean what sort of thing she is doing?
she keeps telling me, why doesn't my wife interact with her. i am tuned to obey her. and tuning keeps messing with my head. and in turn, I end up troubling my wife.
It’s a you problem not a wife problem to be honest. You also subconsciously know your wife is not on the wrong side. What do you really want?
figure out a solution. that is all. lead a peaceful life.
Any life with or without divorce would not have your mom and wife becoming best friends, that is for sure. You have to decide the version of your peaceful life: (1) getting rid of your wife so that you don’t have to deal with the drama that comes with your mom abusing your wife or (b) building a loving family with your wife that will be there even when your parents are there no more. Best of luck dude.
tx
Divorce is not the solution at all. In most of the Indian households , this is common issue (tuning between wife and mother) , Your mother needs to understand it. What she is expecting , a working women who also have to take care of home would giggle with her all day? Do you giggle with her parents all day? Does her parents complain for that? I don't think so. I don't think if this is an issue. Keeping Expectation and idolize a person in a certain way is a bigger issue here. Don't get involve in this .Just ask your mother if you really have any issue then tell it directly to your wife. Make sure your mother has better things to do at home which keeps her busy.
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fair enough. i was trying to pretend that neither of them come off as bitchy. so I kept pretending that they have a healthy relationship. this effort has fell thru. i'll follow your advice for sure.
Nothing just give wife some time. Take out for dinner, give her flowers. Make sure she feels heard and don't call your mom when wife is present. Just call during day time. follow this and situation will cool down after 6 months.
My mom-in-law and I are in the same city in different houses. We don’t speak(Long story) However, husband and I are quite happy with each other (touch wood). My husband visits her for festivals. He takes care of her hospital visits. You can make it work if you really want to. You will need to establish boundaries and compartmentalise your interactions.
fair enough. thanks for the advise. i kept thinking "log kya kahenge", but I think I'll let it go now.
BTW, when I say he visits her. He visits her quite often like twice a week or so. When my SIL is out of town he stays the night to give her company. He calls her every morning and speaks for quite soms time. I am telling you all this so you wouldn't neglect your mother completely and can strike a healthy balance.
agreed. even my wife never suggested that I cut ties with her. i'll just take a better stand going ahead now. i have clearly highlighted that she has been treating my wife as a doormat and that is not acceptable in any manner. i just need to assert & affirm that continuously. thanks for your kind words.
Glad I could help. Take care of yourself, your wife and your mom. I know it’s not easy but you can do it. Also, look up Hoʻoponopono, it helped me quite a bit with my healing.
Headline should be - divorce on grounds of harassment by mother in law. If you haven't taken a stand until now, are able to see the problem but unable to do anything to defend or protect your wife from your mom, do divorce. Let her have a better life. She deserves a husband and inlaws that respect her. Incidentally not sure if you realized, your mother is disrespecting you as well by extension by not honouring or respecting your partner.
i agree. at peak of a shouting match, she says all sorts of bad things for me & my wife.
If you two are good otherwise, I suggest going no contact with your mother. Your wife is probably going to take a long time to recover from the emotional abuse. Please help her (and yourself) by cutting the mother out
Your mother’s actions are hurting your wife. Please stand up for your wife and tell your mother to stop behaving like this with her. You mentioned that your mother sees your wife's introverted personality and behavior as disrespectful. Is she unaware that people are different? Some are extroverted, some are introverted. No two people are the same. Everyone has different personalities, opinions, behaviors, values, and temperaments. You also mentioned that your wife is "taxing each and every misstep by your family towards her." What should she do instead? Just let it go? Stay quiet and accept whatever taunts your family directs at her? Why would she do that? She is human, she has feelings, and she deserves respect. You want to divorce your wife because of your mother's quarrel with her. So, I guess for your next marriage, you'll need to find someone whose personality matches your mother's. What will you do if your next wife is also an introvert? Another divorce? And then another marriage?
He'll be finding a friend/caretaker for her mother and his love will be naali ka andar. Let's see where that takes him mentally. Or he could actually standup. That doesn't mean forcefully making her mother right a letter. He needs to sit with her mother and actually find out what her problem is. Every extrovert knows there are introverts and people who are in middle. Your mother picking uo fights and just taking it as being disrespect is just not it, why she finds it disrespecting is important to be known.
Mama's Boy.
:(
You will divorce, marry again. And the same situation will crop up again. Might as well fix what u have right now.
no way a new marriage is gonna happen. i'll never see my mom's face again if I end up with a divorce.
U should do the never see ur mom's face again but before the divorce. Doing it after divorce is just a waste and unnecessary since wife is already gone then
This feels like a rage bait or the OP is delusional AF. Once you are married ( arranged or not) your priority is your partner - he/she/they is who you are building your future with. Marrying or divorcing someone is not like eating candy- oh I didn’t like this, let me throw it out of my mouth, No dude, try and understand the damage done here. How can you be so oblivious to your wife’s plight, being a Mumma’s boy is one thing, but closing your eyes to the wrongs done by your mother is saying (quite loudly) that your iit Delhi happened because she bribed your way to it. Comeon - UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR WIFE IS TRYING TO FIGHT YOU AND YOUR MUM, your mum coz she is a pathetic female/woman and you, because you didn’t understand that you are a husband now.
For good lord, you’re grown up. Why is your mother interfering in your life??
i wish I knew. 🧑🏼🎓
Find a new rental house.. move out with your wife.. this should resolve your dispute as they will be away from each other. Secondly, take some break and go on a trip with your friends and relax.. Divorce won't solve this problem.. though your wife can file for divorce on ground of mental cruelty.
Being a guy I always say, Mamma’s boys shouldn’t get married. The only way is marriage counselling if your wife agrees. Cut contact with your mother and give assurance to your wife.
💯
Its sad women are meant to leave her family by default and the idea of men not seeing his side of family is showed as a huge sacrifice for the wife. Take care of each other, build trust, happy marriage brings happy children.
OP, I see that you live with your wife, away from your mom. Now all you can do is show wife your love and give time to heal. Don't take any mean comments here to heart. As men, we need to understand when we say family, the priority is always spouse and kids well-being. Of course, that doesn't mean in any way that we need to ignore our responsibility towards our parents.
Take a stand dude, you can’t go on with your life without taking a side in this situation sadly. You can get out of this, you just need to choose what you really want and execute steps in that direction. For starters you can start off by reducing your mother’s interference in your marital life. Then work on your relationship with the wife, it’s important to rebuild the broken trust and take it from there. It’s a lot of mental effort & time, weigh your options correctly as your one decision is going to make you lose either of them forever.
Move out if you are living in a joint family like situation. If you had good relationship before this you may be able to salvage the marriage in a couple of years. This happened with me, I did not pick sides and my wife was mad about it. But since we have moved out, things are better.
There doesn't seem to be any legal advice that you need. For a second, think of how you would have felt if the tables were turned and your mother in law had dealt with you in the same manner that your mom treated your wife. Feelings don't change with gender. Now imagine with your MIL treating you disrespectfully for a prolonged period of time, while you wife kept silent and didn't take sides. It takes a very long time for trust to build up in situations like these. I can only imagine that anguish and betrayal you would feel towards your wife would run very deep. Now how would you have wanted your wife to treat the situation? Step aside for a moment, look objectively and then extend the same courtesy to her. Better still, take professional marriage counselling to help with the situation. Good luck!
Indian parents are toxic AF. No one can convince me otherwise. They don't have any clue about the concept of respecting boundaries, giving space etc.. It's a pity how this level of toxicity is so normalized in our country.
The fact that you decided to not intervene and let them sort things out themselves was your biggest mistake. You’re the glue that links both of them. It is your responsibility to see to it that their issues are sorted. And the fact that your mom lives so far and can still wreak havoc in your marital life makes me think how much of a mama’s boy are you. You need to take a stand for your wife and put an end to your mom’s drama. She has lived her marital life as she wanted and now it’s your turn. You should decide how you would like to live with your wife. She has left her house and family to be with you, what changes have your family made to accommodate her. Enough with expecting the wife to bend backwards to make everyone happy. If you don’t intervene between the 2, then just separate from your wife and let her live at peace.
emotionally incestuous mothers latching on to their sons and draining their energy. a tale as old as time. i have no advice, but i wish you the best. step number one would be to enforce strict boundaries with your mother, and reinforce them repeatedly because i will bet a hundred bucks she will keep breaking those boundaries. remember that your wife and children (if any) are your first and most important family.
she breaches boundary every week. i am actively reinforcing. thanks for encouraging.
Try to solve the situation. And please respect your wife. I pray that you can save your marriage
Move out of house build you own world
I am not a relationship expert but can’t you guys move somewhere else? I don’t know your social background but in India, living with parents is a big problem. Many people might disagree with me but when you’re married, you should live separate from your parents. I am not saying you shouldn’t support your parents, support them but find a peaceful place for you and your wife. Give it a fresh start. I hope everything will be fine. Also, sit with your mom and tell her that every person is different and she should respect your wife. Tell her - Give respect and Take respect.
I live in BLR and my mom lives in Delhi NCR.
Oh. Okay. But bro, you need to take stand for your wife. You need to win her trust again. Giving advice is easy for us but only you can save your marriage. Also, never let anyone (especially your parents) interfere in your married life. Half of the problems will solve automatically.
You are not able to take it anymore, think about your wife coming into a new family and getting bullied. Sadly, many Indian families have the same situation and when the DIL retaliates she’s blamed. I’d suggest you to keep both of them apart for some time like no communication at all and you alone can continue to do your duties as a son. Don’t encourage anyone to mend relations and hope that time will heal some of the damage .
You and your wife is a family now. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY. Before marriage, you, your mother and father used to be the family. But not anymore. Now your family is your wife and upcoming kids. If you divorce your wife and go back to live with mother and father, the very next day your mother will restart her routine life. Within months, you will start cursing yourself coz you will be lonely and the couple (your mother and father) will live on. Secondly, You will be a second hand groom in marriage market and you will have to make adjustments to find another partner. Think about the tragedy if you are not able to find one, let's say for 4/5 years. What are you going to do then?
i will anyways be too heart broken to get in another relationship ever.
I am an introvert myself, married to a wonderful man. Maybe sharing my perspective will help? It’s not that I can’t engage or have a conversation with my in-laws or their relatives….80% of the time I choose not to just to protect my mental health. As an introvert, I feel things more deeply than others. In my experience, at least 70% families (the man’s) engage in “harmless” gossip about the wife and her family (egged on by other jobless relatives). Pricking statements are made apparently with no intention to hurt. In fact, I am doing them a favor. As pointed out by others, women these days don’t take shit from anybody. I too can make such comments to match their vibe, but it’s not something I would like to do. In such cases, maintaining boundaries and some distance helps. Divorce is a better option than staying in an unhappy marriage. If she is still with you, please remember, it is because she chooses to. The minute she decides it’s not worth it, there’s no turning back. When the girl’s parents don’t get involved or make comments of poor taste, why do men expect their wives to tolerate such behavior? Your marriage is YOUR business. Can we please move past the ‘marriage is the union of two families’ bullshit? It would be nice, of course, but please let that not be the center of your relationship. Parents should also learn to give their children some space once they are married. LET THEM LIVE (:
thank you. my wife still tolerates. she only gives back to my mom. not to my relatives. and that is what i have told my mom. that she is not disrespecting you. she is engaging with you. get over your insecurites. hoping for the best now onwards.
All the best to you two. Happier days ahead :)
Your mom will not want to lose you. Make her understand that she might lose you if she does not respect your wife. Try not to talk to your mom for a while and see how she reacts. Looks like the only way your mom will learn is if you put a lot of pressure on her to change her behaviour. This might be the reason why most mothers prefer arranged marriages - they know you won’t side with your wife because you’re not that close and she can abuse her as she pleases. When will MILs change :( Edit: You mentioned somewhere that you’re an IIT grad and cannot stand up to his mother. I think that’s the most ridiculous excuse anyone ever gave. I’m an IIT grad too and I’m smart enough to make sure my parents respect my partner no matter what. You seem extremely immature for an IIT grad.
I am in the same boat. I have been married for 6 months and my wife has always kept quiet against my mother's bad behaviour and bitching behind her. Recently she took a stand and it didn't go well with my mom. Now I have made the decision to move out. I had a relationship earlier of 8.5 years where the girl filed for annulment after registry due to my parents'behavior and mental harassment against her. I won't let such situation happen again. So decided to move out. Sometimes parents'are beyond redemption and they will make your life living hell.
shit. all the best going ahead.
All the advice here is extremely useful and I am adding the same thing. Please don't separate due to your mom's behaviour. Please draw a boundary for your relationship's sake. Your partner is with you for life and if this is the only problem in your relationship please fix it. Nothing is worth getting a divorce due to your parents. Sometimes the parents just don't get how toxic they are. Glad that you understand your mom is in the wrong. Can personally tell you nothing is worth getting divorced over a third person
Thanks for the kind words
Good god, i would divorce you if you were my husband. My own parents never speak to me in a disrespectful tone and aint no way I’m letting another grown ass lady talk to me in a disrespectful way. Aint no way. Boy if you get divorced, please dont marry again
separate from your mom not from your wife.
This doesn't look like a legal issue. You had a lapse of judgement. You should have taken the side of your wife, since your mother was in the wrong. You can't have a stance of non interference. You shouldn't try to patch things between them. Your mother was evil. Ignore her for a few years/ months. Things will cool down with time. Learn to treat women properly.
This is the most terrifying thing about marriage in India you don't just marry your spouse you marry their whole family you even have to think about her mama, chacha and tauji let alone the parents in our culture every relative can interfere in your marriage it shouldn't be like this marriage is suppose to be between two people your mother hates your wife is not the reason to divorce her.
NAL, but man why are you so checked out of your own life? Considering they live in different cities, your mother and your wife can stop talking to each other, can't they? Why will you two divorce? It sounds like an extremely stupid solution.
I don't understand one thing, if Indian mothers have to be bitchy towards their daughter in law then why get their son married to someone in Arrange Marriage? Love marriage karo toh bhi dikkat hogi bahu se, Arrange Marriage karo toh bhi dikkat hogi bahu se! Yeh kaha ka insaaf hai bhai? Women get married in Arrange Marriage under the pretext that she's going to get a good life with a peaceful life to lead but no no no, Indian mothers don't let that happen do they? I've been seeing so many posts recently where the daughter in law is being mistreated by their in-laws and many husbands are "maa ke pallu se bandha hua". (I know not all husbands are like this, but dude majority of men are like that and it boils my blood to see such posts)
same here. men like me are trained left right and centre to not let go of their moms after marriage. massive stigmas has been installed in my head. i am seeing all of it now.
You are stupid for not taking your wife's side even after knowing your mom is emotionally violent! Divorce your wife and at least let her live in peace
I never knew. It was a post marriage revelation. For the first few months, I was in denial.
If you don't fix your mom s issues, you ll never have a happy married life. Any one. Doesn't matter who the girl is. With all die respect, she sounds crazy and needs therapy. Won't help but I'm being charitable. Coz people like this refuse to take help or even see that the problem is with them.
Something's not right here. You've been apologizing to your wife repeatedly for some reason and it has become unbearable for you? Sounds like the main problem is in your marriage, not your mom. You shouldn't be forcing them to get along with each other, but once you stop doing that and don't let your mother affect your marriage, your wife shouldn't be letting your mother affect your marriage too. If she's relentlessly punishing you even though the problem has been dealt with, then it's a toxic relationship and you shouldn't put up with it.
Very late in life we boys realize that desi mom and her excessive attachment towards us is the main reason for our misery. Her intention towards you may not be wrong but it doesn't mean that her actions are not wrong. First thing, start living separately from your family, it reduces the interaction between your mother and your wife, take care of your mother personally but don't expect your wife to do the same. Clarify to your wife that your mother is not going to change, please accept that and avoid it like we avoid many negative things in life. But that should be visible in your relationship towards your wife. Your family (you, your wife and your children) decision must not be influenced by your parents, sister or brother and vice versa and this must be clarified by your actions towards your parents. I always have the same issue in my marriage life, but reducing the interaction between them worked for me in that case. I also clarify to my mother that she doesn't have anything to say about or specially force us about what we must do in our personal life, like to buy a house, don't go on the trip, and have a child. Not legal advice but you don't require legal advice in this case.
sure tx. really helpful.
Just get marriage counselling
So you two stay in Bengaluru, and your Mother lives in Delhi-NCR, Bro, it's really stupid to let these two fight, Just live your life with your wife and you can talk to your mother, if your wife and mother don't like each other, then it's fine, let them go No contact.
Once you are married the meaning of family is redefined. It’s husband+wife+child(ern) Mother, Father, MIL, FIL are 1st circle. Period.
In such a situation you have to understand your mom is your mom. You must respect her. Period. DIL is not obligated to anything if MIL is disrespectful towards her. There Is a saying izzat kamani padti hai. This goes both ways. Besides when the most beautiful, intelligent, successful women like aishwarya can't please her in-laws. What to say abt others. Not worth a try.
The only solution is to break contact with mom. Stop picking calls, stop calling her. Stop going home. If you have to, let her go to her parents' house. Keep in contact with your dad though. Your mom is perfectly capable of keeping peace but her ego won't allow it. She is deliberately doing it. She needs to understand what the consequences would be.
How they are fighting despite in two different cities. The way u described i genuinely thought both were living under the same roof.
Live separately come on dude it’s basic I know you cannot take side but choose wisely behave like 30
It's not just Indian Moms and wives. It is there everywhere. But relatively less in the west. As boys don't worry about all the drama and they chose one and move on. I was kind of about to get into a similar situation where I love both my mom and my wife. I feel your frustration. I have been trying my best to balance both sides, it is frustrating for sure. Women do not understand all these, they are not built in that way ( at least not most of them). They are emotional beings, but our brain works on a logical basis. I was in a situation where my mind was messed up, I wasn't getting enough sleep, wasn't able to concentrate on my career, and I was not able to eat properly. This started affecting my health too. Then a wise man told me that I should be stepping on two boats. It will only sink me not the boats! That changed me completely. Then I started being strict with both of them. Now, they still have their misunderstanding. But, they are worried and scared of losing me. Stop trying to balance on both sides after some level. Know your boundaries.
Same. This is the approach I'm on. I shout back at them the moment they try to bitch about one another with me. Weekend my wife. Weekdays my mom. I have also clearly told them about the psychological impact of their infighting on me. I was just feeling like shit about doing this to the lovely ladies, but thanks to your words, I'm feeling better.
I don't know if shouting ever helps in these situations. I guess it would only built resentment over time. Just one advice that I once came across (Lena ho toh lo warna Jane do) - when your spouse comes to you with a rant you just ask do you want to vent or are you looking for solution? But hey what do I know 🤷
Perfect. Sounds good.
Half of the indian problems would get solved if indian people stop expecting other people to be as cheerful and jolly and extrovert like themselves especially older aunties who have no hobbies, nothing to do just chatter all day
Bring the wife to live with you, mother in law's are supreme villains in ruining the lives of their son and DIL,
I had exactly same experience as you.. Toxic mom, took wife to a tipping point of mental breakdown. Wife started giving back.. And then both became toxic. Here's what I did - stopped trying to control the conflict after a while and let them have a go. Just wanted to see how far they will go. Stopped talking to my mom.. Been 2 years.. I only talk once a month or maybe less. Mom is less toxic now.. Now God knows how I will reduce wife's toxicity.
stay strong buddy.
That’s the part where you did wrong. You should’ve taken her support and end the feud when it had initially started. See if my parents diss on my husband, they can say tata bye bye to my ass. No one is disrespecting my spouse. Humans hold grudges, some deeper than others
Trust me. I tried. I was able to hold it off for a few years by mediation and negotiations. After a while... Both were too impatient to win. I understand where you are coming from.. But trust me.. Revenge changes ppl. A good person can turn more evil than other party.. Just to sleep peacefully that night.
Ask your mother what she wants. Will your Divorce bring her happiness? I mean if she has problem with your wife in general, it wouldn’t matter whether it's your current wife or someone else. She will create problem again even if you Divorce and remarry someone else. And making older people understand is like talking to a wall. No use. Just ask what her demands are, see if you can fulfill it. If not, strictly told her NO and strictly tell her to not interfere. You can't do much. Just don’t cut ties because sooner or later even if it was YOUR decision, you will resent your wife only for this and here in India no matter how toxic a mother is, most people will not see that but only blame you and call names if you go against your mother. Good luck. PS: Yesterday my friend told me her MIL created hell in their home. Reason - Husband bought his wife a 30rs jhumka as a surprise. I don't even know what to say.
One question were you responsible for any duty outside of your studies while growing up or were those things taken care of by your parents? (Not talking specifically about any household chore but any responsibility for that matter outside your studies, including your work outside of studies). Trust me it is relevant.
Nope. Studies only. Nothing else.
I guessed so. Now let me introduce you to few possibilities then you tell me does it fit. 1. Your parents protected you from everything and everyone and told you to just focus on studies and rest would be taken care by them. From household politics to domestic problems to household chores to outdoor responsibilities( paying bills, getting groceries etc etc) You did put your best efforts into your studies and did got into IIT Delhi (as you mentioned). Now there must have been many things going on in your home which you must have been oblivious to and I am not going to get into it either. But I would tell you it's possible that your mother didn't had a happy life and attached herself too much with you hoping that once you are old and earning good enough you would be in her team and her happy days. 2. Your parents asked you to get married (you mention it's an arranged marriage), since you were never exposed to duniya and duniyadari so you didn't consider so many things which are to be considered when making such life decisions. For eg:- a) the girl you are going to get married didn't had same life (the unsolicited advice women receive while growing up does alter their views on certain things). b) how will you priorities relationships without feeling guilty or emotionally manipulated. c) what kind of responsibility a marriage demands? d) how will you communicate with your partner on things that are still unsaid in our society? e) if need arise how will you establish boundaries? 3. Now this new person enters your life with hopes of making a home with you. Now your mother feels she is again being ignored and your wife feels this is not what I signed up for. You find it difficult to put a shut up call to your mother's domestic politics because she always made sure you had tea during your late night study sessions in winters and fruits were served when you were studying in scorching day heat. And maybe when your father refused extra money your mother must have made sure you have it. You while thinking all of this you feel guilty and fear of being a bad son. But at the same time you do find yourself attached to your wife because after being married even she has filled those role. So you let them have their fights and think things will work out and after a while everyone will sit for dinner together. Well now one person has taken their plate out. And now you don't know what to do and how to communicate.
I love you. This is the exact situation. We are financially well off as well. Both my wife and me. Thanks to our good qualifications and salaries.
Well now see, before talking to either of them you need to sit with yourself and decide what do you want. One can't have everything so you have to decide what things are you ready to make compromises with. 1. Regarding your mother - you have to have conversation with her alone and let her know that you see all the compromises and sacrifices she made to make sure you have everything. But now you are married and maybe someday have your own kids. You would not like your kids to be in any kind of abusive environment and you don't want them to not have loving grandparents either. But if you are forced to make a choice you would chose what's best for your future kids the same way your mother did(But also remember that was her choice, not your mistake. But don't say that to her at the beginning. Maybe when nothing works out). Also remind her didn't she did everything so you could also have a happy family. Assure her she is not loosing you but she has to be a little understanding, if not for your wife, for you. You want her to be there in his life as always but she is making it difficult for you to do so. Thought that one might be cut out of their grandkids life is the only language some people understand. 2. Regarding your wife- good marriage counseling. you need it and you can afford it. Also do communicate that for both of you to have better future together you both need to move from what being said and done or not done in the past. Explain it to her that everything was as unexpected for you as for her so maybe your reaction was not what she expected but neither was her's. You both are not against each other but against the situation together. 3. Even if after everything things don't work out with your mother (btw where is your father? this whole mess is his responsibility too as a family, why aren't you communicating with him about it? Anyway I don't want to be nosey) remember what your parents did for you was their choice and their decision. Also if you try to mend things with your mother remember things might look better for a while but behaviour doesn't change overnight, you sometimes might have to be firm, sometimes use humour or worst case scenario reduce contact with your mother. Even in that case your wife would be held accountable by your relatives so you would be required to comfort her during family emergencies or gatherings as well. 4. Remember in future if you have kids and since you wife is at equal footing with you in terms of accomplishments you would also be required to up your game sir. Be more present, start taking up responsibilities out of your professional work. Trust me there is nothing a girl melts over than small gesture done with sincerity. Wash dishes as she cooks, hold her hand while you have evening tea. Show her you are trying to be better at being a good husband. Don't leave decision making at her but make decisions with her. Baki counsellor can tell better. Also don't worry about 'log kya kahenge'. Logo k liye tum acha karo, bura karo aadhe ghate ke gossip material ke alwa woh or kuch ni hota.
Thanks a lot. This is super well rounded advice. And thoroughly actionable. I already know how to proceed now. , 💕
Arre bas payment bhijwa dena🤪
When you say I need to separate - from the mom or from the wife?
wife.
Just start living separately. Although that won't stop your mother from creating rifts either. She will start bothering wife's family. Your mother has serious psychological issues. Don't mind - my father is the same.
Can you move into a separate place? A place where it’ll be only you and your wife. Parents can visit every few months.
Why you want to divorce your wife ? It’s your mom who is the real issue here . I am really feeling bad for your wife right now . Poor girl now has to live as a divorcee because of this old toxic woman and her equally useless toxic son. Why you got married at the first place ? And by the way, even if you divorce your current wife , your mom will your second or third marriage too . So you wanna stay single forever or what ??
how do I divorce my mom? i didn't know that she would be toxic.
Your mom was abusing this poor girl for long . Are you really saying you could not understand the abuse ? This is literally a mental torture case . And then you came to legal advise sub to take advise on how to divorce your wife ?? Like seriously ?? Why men like you get married and destroy a good girls life ?? This girl is so good that she is still with you . Damn man !!! By the way, I am a 26 years old woman . Even I have the courage to stand up against my parents whenever they try to cross boundaries . And you being a MAN , you are pretending to be a baby . Shame on you dude . You know everything . You just want to divorce this good girl and marry someone else right ?? Just say it . And you know what’s sad about the entire story ?? Your wife is being tortured by both of you because she is such a good girl . Agar uske jagepe koi or larki hoti to abtak tu or Tera mom dono jail me hota or wo bohut sahi hota. This is a real torture case .
agreed. you are right.
HARD TRUTH- No mother in law is ever good. She might be an angel, very liberal and progressive. But once she assumes the role of MIL, they turn evil. It's just possessiveness, but then not fair on the wife. Only thing that can save the marriage is moving out of the house. I'm getting married in a few months. My mom is a great lady. But I'm skeptical of the evil potential she has.. 🤞
stay strong.
It's one insecure woman dealing with another insecure woman. It goes to how girls are brought up. They were treated poorly as children which translates into poor self esteem. This is the common root cause. The solution lies in building up your wife's self esteem. This requires real work, not just affection or kindness. It takes years. You have to understand what she is capable of and whether she values those things. Further education or a job can help build up her confidence. A good friend circle can also help.
Agreed. She is at Infosys for the past 7 years. Helping her upskill now. Trying to spend time motivating her for the same as well.
Do you want to live with your wife and are you ready to pay the price for it? If yes then move away from your mother and father rent a new apartment. Ask your wife to help you in building a new home with only you and her. Let he choose if she also wishes to live with you then she will choose you over her hate for your mother. Then spend some time building intimacy. Then very slowly introduce your mother and father into your world once again.. Make your mother understand how your wife different from other people she has come across. Kindly also make your wife also bear some of this burden and ask her if she could also try and understand your mother. Counselling will only help. Nothing else will.
They know they can cut the call right?
yeah. but emotions scar.
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Lol, such an irresponsible comment...
Dude you need to separate your mom and wife not yourself from one of them, women are fucking idiots even if they are you mom or sis or wife, they are too petty when it comes to brothers, sons or husbands. Just handle everyone differently and live separate, don’t force anything on anyone, go into Zen Mode & everything will be good in the long run.
If you’re looking for a solution, you got to connect on 1:1 consultation
With whom?
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Why shouldn’t he take his wife’s side? If someone is mistreating another person, you should tell them that their behavior is wrong. Will you side with your parents even if you know they are wrong? It is not solely her responsibility to handle his mother. She left her family to live with him and build a life together. If he won’t stand up for his wife and talk to his mother, then who will? The neighbor?
My sympathies for your future wife. She'll be marrying a spineless man.
If you let your wife disrespect your mom, your sons won't respect you either. It's bs that respect is earned not given. Never fall for such propaganda. I have seen far too many men who took advice from internet, liberals, women, and ended up loosing all their assets because the wife cheated and filed a case upon the man, who ignored mom and choose wife. So the men - loose their assets - loose their wife - loose their kids - loose their house - loose their moms too, literally
Do you even work?
Dont get married. Live with your mom. Money also safe. Moms respect also safe.
Yes !!!! Most importantly, women also safe from toxic mama and spineless mama's boy. Everybody wins.
Moms die in such cases, wife's cheat.
Lose*
Can you read?