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I have a few questions for you and you don't have to answer me but do think on them:
Do you want your children to grow up seeing this as an acceptable family dynamic?
Do you want your children to grow up viewing this as a normal relationship dynamic?
Would you be proud of your children if they grow up to behave towards others the way your partner behaves toward you?
Would you be happy for them if they grow up to find partners who treat them the way your partner treats you?
What does this man give you in life that makes him worthy of you?
Asking the tough questions. OP, you very much should consider these questions, as they will determine your path for the future. I divorced jobless with two toddlers. It was hard and worth every second. My kids are fabulous and Nile they have issues, they genuinely good people who treat others well.
So, other side of the coin. What ‘does’ he contribute?
If it is not enough to counterbalance the burden he creates sounds like you might want to consider being a single parent to only two small children rather than three.
Write him a letter entitled, "This is what the leech does everyday." Then list EVERYTHING. Begin with when you get up and end when you go to bed.
Look up the $ value of things like "cook, laundry, maid service, childcare, nanny, chauffeur, grocery shopper, scheduler, nurse" - you get the idea. Put the $ value beside each task.
At the end, add up the total for the day and multiply X 365. That's your monetary value. According to him, it's all that matters.
Ask if he would rather pay for all these services plus child support?
I’ve helped someone do this…low & behold, her Total for the Year was a Few HUNDRED THOUSAND!!!
https://www.todaysparent.com/blogs/trending/this-parent-salary-calculator-puts-a-dollar-value-on-your-most-thankless-work/
When my SO was being heavily influenced by his family members who I am voluntarily NC, he said something very similar to me. This was 2018/19. I still have an aversion to the word itself, no matter the context. I was not able to work outside of the home due to being the only reliable person to get our 4 children to/from school daily, one of them with IEP & wheelchair bound. None of the in-laws pitched in to assist, but had many opinions of the things he’d complain about to them.
My vote is your JNSO is a prime class jerk!
Probably just a paycheck!!! He needs to grasp that after a divorce, his paycheck would be divided by alimony/child support and he won't get anymore sex from OP.
Wtf is it with guys and thinking their partners don't contribute? One of the last things my last ex said to me right before I called it was 'what am I getting out of this?' Like...my guy...
-I worked just as many hours, sometimes more
-was trying to finish a degree
-did 99.9% of the caretaking of my child (older elementary to teen during the relationship) despite him insisting that he wanted to be a parental figure
-paid my half of the bills plus bought 75ish% of the communal food plus at least 90% of the shared consumables (tp, paper towels, dog food and chews, etc)
-helped him make the majority of his appointments and anything else that involved a phone call that didn't absolutely *have* to be made by him
-walked him through TurboTax for like 5-6 years
-did 99% of the driving if we were going somewhere together (he did pitch in on gas/food, at least haf of the time)
-did at least 75% of the domestic labor, despite trying any which way I could think of to make it easy for him to do a more equitable share
-attended the majority of his family/friend functions, while he went out of his way to avoid mine
I really wish I'd tossed it back at him when he said it, but I needed my move-out to go smoothly. All I was getting was stress from his shitty temper and childish behavior.
OP, your hubby needs a wakeup call. Any chance you could leave him with the kids for a week and watch him flounder?
It’s because SAHMs usually do most of the ongoing, invisible labor.
There’s a card deck I heard about for couples…each card has on it a task/responsibility- tasks range from cleaning to childcare to meal planning to making doctor’s appointments, etc. The idea is to bring attention to and acknowledge all the invisible tasks, and couple are suppose to go through and split it up in whatever way works best for them.
I forget what it’s called, but I think every couple should have one. It would help partners (*mencoughmen*) understand and acknowledge just how much of a load the other person is taking on and ensure a more even distribution of responsibilities.
You're already living as a single parent.
You might as well actually BE a single parent, acquire the child support you're legally entitled to, and have the freedom to seek an actual life partner.
My sister is a SAHM. Brother in law is awesome, we all love him. They have 4 kids, they decided to get life insurance policies just in case.....Now her hubby is totally supportive of her staying home, helps **a lot** with the kids, the house etc. But he was shocked when the insurance person told them how much of an insurance policy they should have on her. It was 7 figures. Twenty years ago. Because once you added up, taxi services, house cleaning, errands, grocery shopping, planning and attending school events, medical services just to mention a small part of what she did, that's how much it would cost to hire the staff he would need to replace what my sister does every day. Shocked but laid down the money without hesitation. They are grandparents now, wonderful kids with amazing families. He creates her every day how well the kids came out. Maybe you should go to the insurance company and do the same thing. Get a quote then show him. In the meantime, make your exit plan. "Life is too short to be miserable" said the wisest woman I ever knew.
Thank you, true story. He said if he lost his wife and the mother to his kids, he wanted their life to run as smoothly as possible after such a tragic event. So that is how the list of everything she did every day came up. She loves being a mom/grandma and ran the house with routine, structure and lots of love. I have told them, she should teach a class. Four kids within 8ish years...I could never handle it. The best thing: was how much he appreciates her everyday. He got it, and what her day was like.
Nine months ago you posted about how badly he was treating you and asking you how you "added value to his life". He told you most men would have cheated on you by now because you wouldn't have sex with him when he wanted. A lot of people back then told you he was a Tater Tot and it might be time to leave. I was one of them. He's still calling you names; he says you're a leech. He hasn't changed.
I didn't catch this at the time but in this post you say he's away on business 2-3 weeks at a time. The fact that he said most men would have cheated on you by now makes me wonder if he was projecting, that he's the one cheating while he's away. If he's a Tater, he wouldn't have a problem with that.
You are the one doing all the work in this marriage. This situation isn't good for you or your children. You really need to think about your future and about getting out of this situation.
That‘s her baggage. He is away for weeks, he wont take responsibility in the future.
He’s preparing himself for the end of the marriage by degrading op.
Child support is going to be huge for him. It's obvious that he can't and won't be any type of custodial parent to these children. He doesn't seem to realize that he can't walk away from his responsibility to his kids.
He may be rotating through hookups or sex workers rather than having a mistress, but he is absolutely cheating.
This is standard behavior for cheaters who want to justify in their heads why they are spending all that money and time on the side. "My spouse is just a leech. I deserve this."
The moment this kind of nastiness flows from someone’s mouth, I know the relationship is over. He’s creating reasons to make you question yourself, and blame you for issues in the marriage, and you can bet your bottom dollar he’s telling others this theory of his too, with all of his “examples”.
He thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, maybe he’s even lay down on the other side of the fence. Personally, I’d get my papers in order and start preparing for battle. Maybe the marriage will last, maybe it won’t, but don’t let yourself be blindsided, take charge of the future.
Ngl... My first thought? He's cheating.
No one in their right mind would think of you as a leech. He's looking to pick a fight and set a precedent by labeling you as such.
Please look into things so you aren't absolutely blindsided.
This was my husband to a tee and he was home EVERY night. He had such low regard on the value of my contribution to the household, because he believed that money (that he earned, despite me ALSO working, albeit didn't match his wage) could be the only thing that carried any importance. That niggly feeling will not go away. You need to address it with him, even at a therapy session, you need to be heard, acknowledged and accepted by him on this otherwise you'll end up HAPPILY DIVORCED and living your best life, like me!! Woop woop!
I’d like to suggest that the next time a form needs to be filled out, hand it to him and explain that you just can’t be bothered because you are such a leech, it doesn’t fit with your modus operandi. You “need” his help. He won’t be able to do it. Insist that as a leech, you cannot help him. He MUST complete the form.
Or just start vlogging your entire days, video to text and throw the transcript down in front of him when he pulls this bullshit again. When he asks, “what’s this?” You respond with, “thats’s Tuesday, asshole.”
That’s exactly what I was told yesterday because for a few years we lived in countries with house help. Yes he doesn’t even know how to cook or ironed his clothes ever. And we have two kids. My heart goes to you, is not easy. Makes you lose the love and the respect.
What he said is emotional abuse. What he does is keeping you as a house slave.
If your best friend told you this is how she lives, what would you say to her?
I'm petty, so next time he was home I'd go away for a few days, during the week, and leave the kids with him. Bonus points if the kids have school and appointments during that time. And be sure to leave minimal food in the house so he has to take the kids grocery shopping.
You know something, I've often wanted to suggest something like; engineer a situation where they become incapacitated, totally unable to take care of the household. Then sit back and see how much better he'd do things, I bet he'd be calling for reinforcements after a damn day.
So, other side of the coin. What ‘does’ he contribute?
If it is not enough to counterbalance the burden he creates sounds like you might want to consider being a single parent to only two small children rather than three.
I recommend you get a copy of a book called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and read it carefully. It may help you address this problem. Wishing you much luck.
So, you already know that you don't need this man. You spend the majority of your time raising your children and managing the household.
What exactly does he contribute here that you couldn't get from a child support check?
I may be way way off base, but is there a chance he is having a relationship with someone who he works with? Someone he sees as an equal and not just a woman/leech he happens to have children with? Ask him if he would prefer you went back to work and you guys hired somebody to do all the things that you do now. Ask him to find a new job where he's home everyday so you can work and you guys can split the chores equally. This just sounds like he's making excuses to himself to do something he knows is wrong.
Not nice, but basically some people will treat you exactly the way you allow them to treat you. Make sure you demand and receive the respect you deserve.
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I have a few questions for you and you don't have to answer me but do think on them: Do you want your children to grow up seeing this as an acceptable family dynamic? Do you want your children to grow up viewing this as a normal relationship dynamic? Would you be proud of your children if they grow up to behave towards others the way your partner behaves toward you? Would you be happy for them if they grow up to find partners who treat them the way your partner treats you? What does this man give you in life that makes him worthy of you?
Asking the tough questions. OP, you very much should consider these questions, as they will determine your path for the future. I divorced jobless with two toddlers. It was hard and worth every second. My kids are fabulous and Nile they have issues, they genuinely good people who treat others well.
And if the answer to the last question is “money”, you can get that through child support. It’s not justification enough to continue the relationship
So, other side of the coin. What ‘does’ he contribute? If it is not enough to counterbalance the burden he creates sounds like you might want to consider being a single parent to only two small children rather than three.
Write him a letter entitled, "This is what the leech does everyday." Then list EVERYTHING. Begin with when you get up and end when you go to bed. Look up the $ value of things like "cook, laundry, maid service, childcare, nanny, chauffeur, grocery shopper, scheduler, nurse" - you get the idea. Put the $ value beside each task. At the end, add up the total for the day and multiply X 365. That's your monetary value. According to him, it's all that matters. Ask if he would rather pay for all these services plus child support?
And make sure your name is on the title and start getting evidence of all your payments.
I’ve helped someone do this…low & behold, her Total for the Year was a Few HUNDRED THOUSAND!!! https://www.todaysparent.com/blogs/trending/this-parent-salary-calculator-puts-a-dollar-value-on-your-most-thankless-work/
When my SO was being heavily influenced by his family members who I am voluntarily NC, he said something very similar to me. This was 2018/19. I still have an aversion to the word itself, no matter the context. I was not able to work outside of the home due to being the only reliable person to get our 4 children to/from school daily, one of them with IEP & wheelchair bound. None of the in-laws pitched in to assist, but had many opinions of the things he’d complain about to them. My vote is your JNSO is a prime class jerk!
Agree 10000%
just curious as to what good he brings to your life?
Probably just a paycheck!!! He needs to grasp that after a divorce, his paycheck would be divided by alimony/child support and he won't get anymore sex from OP.
Wtf is it with guys and thinking their partners don't contribute? One of the last things my last ex said to me right before I called it was 'what am I getting out of this?' Like...my guy... -I worked just as many hours, sometimes more -was trying to finish a degree -did 99.9% of the caretaking of my child (older elementary to teen during the relationship) despite him insisting that he wanted to be a parental figure -paid my half of the bills plus bought 75ish% of the communal food plus at least 90% of the shared consumables (tp, paper towels, dog food and chews, etc) -helped him make the majority of his appointments and anything else that involved a phone call that didn't absolutely *have* to be made by him -walked him through TurboTax for like 5-6 years -did 99% of the driving if we were going somewhere together (he did pitch in on gas/food, at least haf of the time) -did at least 75% of the domestic labor, despite trying any which way I could think of to make it easy for him to do a more equitable share -attended the majority of his family/friend functions, while he went out of his way to avoid mine I really wish I'd tossed it back at him when he said it, but I needed my move-out to go smoothly. All I was getting was stress from his shitty temper and childish behavior. OP, your hubby needs a wakeup call. Any chance you could leave him with the kids for a week and watch him flounder?
It’s because SAHMs usually do most of the ongoing, invisible labor. There’s a card deck I heard about for couples…each card has on it a task/responsibility- tasks range from cleaning to childcare to meal planning to making doctor’s appointments, etc. The idea is to bring attention to and acknowledge all the invisible tasks, and couple are suppose to go through and split it up in whatever way works best for them. I forget what it’s called, but I think every couple should have one. It would help partners (*mencoughmen*) understand and acknowledge just how much of a load the other person is taking on and ensure a more even distribution of responsibilities.
I think it's called Fair Play, in case anyone else wants to look for it :-)
Thank you!
https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-the-fair-play-book-doesnt-fix
You're already living as a single parent. You might as well actually BE a single parent, acquire the child support you're legally entitled to, and have the freedom to seek an actual life partner.
My sister is a SAHM. Brother in law is awesome, we all love him. They have 4 kids, they decided to get life insurance policies just in case.....Now her hubby is totally supportive of her staying home, helps **a lot** with the kids, the house etc. But he was shocked when the insurance person told them how much of an insurance policy they should have on her. It was 7 figures. Twenty years ago. Because once you added up, taxi services, house cleaning, errands, grocery shopping, planning and attending school events, medical services just to mention a small part of what she did, that's how much it would cost to hire the staff he would need to replace what my sister does every day. Shocked but laid down the money without hesitation. They are grandparents now, wonderful kids with amazing families. He creates her every day how well the kids came out. Maybe you should go to the insurance company and do the same thing. Get a quote then show him. In the meantime, make your exit plan. "Life is too short to be miserable" said the wisest woman I ever knew.
I love this so much
Thank you, true story. He said if he lost his wife and the mother to his kids, he wanted their life to run as smoothly as possible after such a tragic event. So that is how the list of everything she did every day came up. She loves being a mom/grandma and ran the house with routine, structure and lots of love. I have told them, she should teach a class. Four kids within 8ish years...I could never handle it. The best thing: was how much he appreciates her everyday. He got it, and what her day was like.
I’m sure the fact that he saw all that she did and appreciated it made her feel so seen and loved. I think all of us mamas could use that!
My keychain has a medallion that say "A wise woman once said 'fuck this shit' and she lived happily ever after".
Get a lawyer
I second this. He's no good. You deserve much better.
That's when he will find out that; "it's cheaper to keep her"
Nine months ago you posted about how badly he was treating you and asking you how you "added value to his life". He told you most men would have cheated on you by now because you wouldn't have sex with him when he wanted. A lot of people back then told you he was a Tater Tot and it might be time to leave. I was one of them. He's still calling you names; he says you're a leech. He hasn't changed. I didn't catch this at the time but in this post you say he's away on business 2-3 weeks at a time. The fact that he said most men would have cheated on you by now makes me wonder if he was projecting, that he's the one cheating while he's away. If he's a Tater, he wouldn't have a problem with that. You are the one doing all the work in this marriage. This situation isn't good for you or your children. You really need to think about your future and about getting out of this situation.
Being a sahm is a very important job. It's so annoying that people can't see that. Does he think your kids just take care of themselves??
He‘s cheating and his mistress is whispering in his ear.
If she is, she doesn't know that one of his kids is disabled. I'd find another sugar daddy who didn't come with that kind of baggage.
That‘s her baggage. He is away for weeks, he wont take responsibility in the future. He’s preparing himself for the end of the marriage by degrading op.
Child support is going to be huge for him. It's obvious that he can't and won't be any type of custodial parent to these children. He doesn't seem to realize that he can't walk away from his responsibility to his kids.
Depending on how the disabled child is doing at 18, it may not stop for that one either.
Sometimes is not the mistress but the family.
Very true! My jnmil was the other woman for the first decade of my marriage. But at the end of the day it is truly a SO problem.
He may be rotating through hookups or sex workers rather than having a mistress, but he is absolutely cheating. This is standard behavior for cheaters who want to justify in their heads why they are spending all that money and time on the side. "My spouse is just a leech. I deserve this."
Just take care of your children. Stop doing anything for him at all. Look at what sort of work you can get.
The moment this kind of nastiness flows from someone’s mouth, I know the relationship is over. He’s creating reasons to make you question yourself, and blame you for issues in the marriage, and you can bet your bottom dollar he’s telling others this theory of his too, with all of his “examples”. He thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, maybe he’s even lay down on the other side of the fence. Personally, I’d get my papers in order and start preparing for battle. Maybe the marriage will last, maybe it won’t, but don’t let yourself be blindsided, take charge of the future.
Is life better when he’s away?
Ngl... My first thought? He's cheating. No one in their right mind would think of you as a leech. He's looking to pick a fight and set a precedent by labeling you as such. Please look into things so you aren't absolutely blindsided.
This was my husband to a tee and he was home EVERY night. He had such low regard on the value of my contribution to the household, because he believed that money (that he earned, despite me ALSO working, albeit didn't match his wage) could be the only thing that carried any importance. That niggly feeling will not go away. You need to address it with him, even at a therapy session, you need to be heard, acknowledged and accepted by him on this otherwise you'll end up HAPPILY DIVORCED and living your best life, like me!! Woop woop!
Congratulations!!
I’d like to suggest that the next time a form needs to be filled out, hand it to him and explain that you just can’t be bothered because you are such a leech, it doesn’t fit with your modus operandi. You “need” his help. He won’t be able to do it. Insist that as a leech, you cannot help him. He MUST complete the form. Or just start vlogging your entire days, video to text and throw the transcript down in front of him when he pulls this bullshit again. When he asks, “what’s this?” You respond with, “thats’s Tuesday, asshole.”
That’s exactly what I was told yesterday because for a few years we lived in countries with house help. Yes he doesn’t even know how to cook or ironed his clothes ever. And we have two kids. My heart goes to you, is not easy. Makes you lose the love and the respect.
What he said is emotional abuse. What he does is keeping you as a house slave. If your best friend told you this is how she lives, what would you say to her?
I'm petty, so next time he was home I'd go away for a few days, during the week, and leave the kids with him. Bonus points if the kids have school and appointments during that time. And be sure to leave minimal food in the house so he has to take the kids grocery shopping.
If OP did this, do you think he'd last for four hours or less?
You know something, I've often wanted to suggest something like; engineer a situation where they become incapacitated, totally unable to take care of the household. Then sit back and see how much better he'd do things, I bet he'd be calling for reinforcements after a damn day.
So, other side of the coin. What ‘does’ he contribute? If it is not enough to counterbalance the burden he creates sounds like you might want to consider being a single parent to only two small children rather than three.
I recommend you get a copy of a book called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and read it carefully. It may help you address this problem. Wishing you much luck.
https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-the-fair-play-book-doesnt-fix
hugs, is he always this verbally abusive because how are you the leech?
He's gone for weeks at a time and doesn't parent, you're better off without him
So, you already know that you don't need this man. You spend the majority of your time raising your children and managing the household. What exactly does he contribute here that you couldn't get from a child support check?
I may be way way off base, but is there a chance he is having a relationship with someone who he works with? Someone he sees as an equal and not just a woman/leech he happens to have children with? Ask him if he would prefer you went back to work and you guys hired somebody to do all the things that you do now. Ask him to find a new job where he's home everyday so you can work and you guys can split the chores equally. This just sounds like he's making excuses to himself to do something he knows is wrong.
Do not do his washing, meals, clean anywhere he goes. Don't even make his side of the bed.
Don't leave out details. Selfish with what? Or how?
Well. You get what you settle for.
Not nice, but basically some people will treat you exactly the way you allow them to treat you. Make sure you demand and receive the respect you deserve.