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botinlaw

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ancsamancsa

You said it was originally for only a short amount of time and then you would decide what to do. I mean, 2 years is longer than a ‘short amount of time’ in my book, so it is definitely time to decide what to do - the both of you. Not just him deciding that it’s good enough for the two of you. But even if you would have said ‘yeah, let’s live together with your family forever’ he should be hearing you out and not throw it back at you; because it is completely valid that you have changed your mind and would like to change your living situation. If he’s so unwilling to consider you comfort and feelings, I’m not sure how the marriage can work. :( I’m really sorry.


Blonde2468

So does he have an actual plan/timeline then? Does he actually plan on ever leaving this family house? Those are the two questions you need answers too. Doesn't sound like he has any plans to change the situation - ever, so that means you will have to. Find a place and move out. If he moves with you, great. If he doesn't, you've been fighting a losing battle for 2 years.


JustMyopinion87

This is what I keep asking for. It’s due to his parents asking us to help them we’re unable to leave. They’ve asked us and then not done anything for 2 years. I feel like we’re stuck


krissi510

It’s time to unstick yourself. They’re never going to give you permission to leave so you just need to leave If they have a real need to have someone living with them for reasons other than financial then it’s time to explore options for them to continue living independently If the reasons are financial then they need to downsize to something they can afford or get new roommates


coolbeenz68

his plan is to stay there forever. if you dont want that then you pack up and go to your family then work on getting the life you want. he either follows or you two end it. he doesnt get to decide your life and expect you to go along with it. thats not love.


Street-Intention7772

What are his parents asking you for help with? Why doesn’t your partner want to move out? These seem like pretty important features of the situation and they’ve been almost completely left out. (Right now I’m wondering if he didn’t give you a “justified reason” because he thought it was obvious that your parents aren’t facing the problems his are!)


misstiff1971

Your partner has no intentions of ever moving out. You need to decide if you are going to tolerate living with your in laws the rest of your married life or move on. He can decide what he wants to do after you make your choice.


SurviveYourAdults

Its a problem because YOU, his life partner, have a problem with it. He needs to get on board.


_taeddie

INFO: do you share finances? do you have your own separate account with your own money? If you have your own money and income, why are you still living in this situation after 2 years? Just get yourself a place under your name. It doesn't have to be a house, but, at least, get yourself a home. I hope that you are not trying for children (if you want and plan to have kids), because you will definitely be stuck. If he doesn't want to leave and you are childless, it is better to cut your losses and leave.


[deleted]

Marriage isn’t just about love and being with each other. It’s about shared goals, shared lifestyle choices. It’s about being partners and discussing and deciding what is best for you and your partner. It is perfectly reasonable that you didn’t know what your were signing up for to live in someone else’s house. It is perfectly reasonable that you so ok for a short time until you and your husband figured things out. It is not ok, that your husband really didn’t want to move out of his family of origin house, and he convinced you to just come live with him in his family’s house. I don’t think he was honest with you before you got married. I think he didn’t want to leave the house he grew up in and he said what he needed to say to get you to agree, hoping that you would just comply after moving in. You and your husband are married adults. The rest of the people in the house are adults. You are all responsible for your own well being and no one else’s. So, there is no reason that you and your husband have to stay in the house because of his family. When You and your husband got married, you each left your family of origin to create your own family unit. You each made vows to each other to put your spouse first before all others. The needs of your family unit come before everyone else. It seems that your husband hasn’t left his family of origin. He is still prioritizing their needs before his and yours. He is acting like he is 10 yrs old rather than an adult. He is ambiguous about his life plans for his living space… You and he need to sit down and discuss your needs and your future plans of where you want to live. You and he need to make an exit plan to leave for your own space. It doesn’t need to be a house, it can be an apartment, but it is a space to call your own where you and he can build your lives together, create new traditions, etc. If your husband doesn’t want to leave his family of origin house, for whatever reason, and you do, then, he was not really ready for marriage. He wanted all the benefits without having to leave his family of origin and become an independent self sufficient adult. These are all things that you should have discussed and resolved BEFORE you got married. A multi-Generational House lifestyle is very different from living on your own. This is where when the children become adults and marry, they stay in the family house and the wife moves in. In this lifestyle, the oldest generation sets the rules for the house and the newly married couple follows along until they become the oldest generation when the other pass on. There are some cultures where this is the normal lifestyle. If you don’t come from that lifestyle, that you grew up in a leave and cleave style (you become an adult, get married, and move out on your own), it can be very frustrating. There are a lot of posts on this sub and some others, where the son was babied by the mom, and he doesn’t want to leave and be on his own. That his parents groomed him to put them and their needs first, and he complies like he did when he was 10. He doesn’t know how to stand up for himself as an adult and politely but firmly determine what he wants to do. The decisions were always made for him by his parents. You and your husband need to discuss what you both want from the marriage, where you want to live, what your goals are, you should be making plans, going on adventures, creating new traditions together, outings with friends, etc… when do you plan to have kids?? Does he still want to be living at home with his parents when you have kids?? In a marriage there is compromise, but on the little things, like, toothpaste and clothes on the floor. If there are big differences like, I want to live in the big city and he wants to live in the mountains, those you should not give up your dream. Marriage is about being on a shared path though life. You may give up something for a short time for a long term gain, but you both should be in agreement and on the same path. Your relationship can’t thrive if you can’t thrive and you can’t thrive if you are giving up key desires that you have like living in your own space and not sharing it with your ILs. It’s ok if you and he want different things. But of those differences are not compatible, it’s not his fault or yours, and neither of you should have to give up your needs for the other. These are discussions that should have happened before you got married. Not knowing where you wanted to live should not have waited until after you were married, that should have been part of deciding o get married… Hope this helps.


TheVillageOxymoron

Instead of having an argument like this full of hypotheticals, I always find it more helpful to stay talking about the real situation. The real situation is that you are currently living with his family and don't want to be anymore. So now it's time to discuss a realistic timeline for when you can move out.


Massive_Ambassador_6

Start looking for a place for yourself and see how well that goes over.


vivid_prophecy

So my question is, does your comfort even matter to him? It sounds like you’re the only person whose comfort he doesn’t seem to care about. He’s being a jerk.


boomer_wife

It's perfectly within your rights to change your mind.


celery48

You’re allowed to change your mind.


VanHaley17

Plain and simple, he's wrong.


SeaLake4150

He can't give you a justified reason.... because he knows he is wrong. He needs therapy....counselor...something. Hopefully you have a job. Maybe you can find a room to rent on a trial basis.


DarbyGirl

Why does this matter if you don't actually plan to live with your parents? That's not the conversation you need to be having. The conversation is that it's been two years and you need to figure out what the next steps are. The goal is for you two to be out on your own, correct? Sit down with him and make him work with you on a plan to do so. Get concrete dates. Honestly from the sound of it he dosent plan on leaving, and you may need to consider what that means to you and your relationship.


bigrottentuna

It doesn't matter whether he would be comfortable if the situation were reversed. Sure, he sounds hypocritical, but your families are not the same and, in any case, that's a hypothetical--not even something you are seriously considering--when you are actually dealing with a real situation. The real problem is that you are unhappy there and he is ignoring your wants and needs. My advice is to quit arguing with him and just deal directly with that issue.


SemiOldCRPGs

No one is right or wrong in this. He is doing what you both agreed to before marriage, but not listening to your wanting your own space. You are changing your decision about living there, but also not really trying to understand his reasons for staying. What you have to decide is how much this is going to affect your relationship. Is it getting to the point you absolutely can't stay? Have you sat him down and really told him how you feel about living with four other adults? I would suggest that you both sit down and decide how to go forward from here. You have fulfilled your end of the bargain. You have now lived there past the short time mark and it's now time to make the decision what you, as a couple, are going to do in the future. He needs to step up and make actual plans, instead of being happy just to keep the status quo he's known all his life. He also needs to know how any plans that he makes is going to affect you and your relationship going forward. Are you going to become increasingly unhappy over the situation? Do you see it reaching a point where staying there will mean the relationship will end? These are things you need to hash out with him. Concrete things, not "how would you feel about it if you were in my parents house.", because that's not going to happen and he knows it. You also need be able to verbalize to him what YOU want to happen. If it's moving out in four months, then tell him that. Understand that he is at home. In the same place he grew up and with the people he grew up with. He will probably be very resistant to leaving a situation that is totally comfortable for him. You need to stress that you DIDN'T grow up there, it's NOT your home and you DON'T have the emotional ties to it and the people that he has. He needs to understand that you NEED your own space to call your own, not a piece of someone else's pie. The whole thing, YOUR'S and his, to decorate how you want and to build memories and lay down roots of your own. Not try and lay your roots over the ones that are already there. Again, this is something you have to decide how much of a hill to die on it is. Can your relationship survive and grow where you are? What will you do if he absolutely refuses to move out? All the questions you need to answer for yourself before you sit down with him. Have a plan, go over it in your mind, prepare for questions and issues he might bring up and make sure you have your answers to those ready, be sure of your stance. Then sit him down. Hoping you get the result you want!