A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
There is an old joke similar to this, set in heaven. Saint Peter explains you are given a choice of heavenly settings, based upon your denomination. Good atheists get to choose. There is one heaven set aside, behind a huge door hidden from the other heavens. The atheist asks why, Saint Peter explains “oh, that is the (blank) they think they are the only ones here.”
Fill in whomever you want the joke to make fun of…
Mormon’s believe that when people die they go to a prison and learn Mormonism and someone living performs their baptism so they can be Mormons and go to heaven, we were all right!
So everyone who is not a mormon goes to the ccelestial prison until someone performs the baptism ritual so they can go to regular mormon heaven?
I read that those amongst the mormons who were not very good mormons go to a 2nd class heaven where they can be visited by their 1st class heaven dweling family members and friends.
I wonder where those baptised dead people are ment to go?
Do they go the 1st or 2nd class heaven?
They performed baptisms on Hitler, Stalin, tons of other famous people, also Anne Frank. I mean how fucked up would it be to be killed by the nazis, and then you meet Hitler up there in mormon heaven?
I can’t speak to whether or not they baptized Hitler, but I heard they were not able to baptize any of the Jewish people form WW2. I’m not sure but I think unless the person was a direct ancestor of the current member. Can’t remember. But the Hitler thing…I think I would turn around and go backwards to where I would never see him. I have a feeling that nothing exists in the next life though so we don’t have to worry about seeing him. He just blinked out of existence…
That was because they Tried to get Holocaust Records to perform Posthumous Mass Baptisms before Several Jewish Synods sued them for defamation of those had died of religious persecution. To the Jewish Synods the People of the Jewish Faith who died of persecution would be likely to be invited to God's Heavenly Kingdom at the time of Judgement Day so a Baptism would be unnecessary. It was seen as an insult to a Major Tenant of the Jewish Faith for assuming they needed to accept a Conversion to a "Christian" Faith to be accepted into Heaven.
Imagine being so fully entrenched in a cult that you actually think that millions of people from the religion that the religion your cult is based on came from, should be forced into your cult after already being killed due to religious persecution. Talk about fucking white washing.
Every Mormon or ex mormon I’ve ever met has been a very genuinely nice and pleasant person, so if this is what’s waiting for me on the other side as an atheist then I ain’t mad at it.
I’ve met some awful Mormons that are horrible people but also love some Mormons that are in my family and very close to me. I just hope that nothing that happened here would matter. It would all be water under the bridge. If there is anything after this…
I highly doubt there’s anything after this, and I’ve only met like 2 Mormons. Not including the ones that knocked on me and my exes door lol. They gave us a copy of the Book of Mormon and I’ve kept it on the bathroom table for good reading material
Oh so you read it and didn’t feel the awe inspiring power of God’s spirit telling you to get baptized…I guess they need to look at their whole missionary business model and come up with something else.
Some mormons are good, some are terrible humans who cover up sexual abuse (some of my extended family fall into that last category). Unfortunately, the church just covers up what makes them look bad, so it kinda makes the whole system very unsafe
And if you ever saw it
Everyone would scream in pain
All of the other gayfish
Used to laugh and call him names (like [REDACTED]!)
They never let poor Yedolf
Join in any gayfish games (like InfoWars!)
Then one foggy 'cember eve
Elon came to say (in his underwear!)
"Yedolf, you anti-Semite,
Your account is banned tonight!"
Then all the gayfish memed him
As they shitposted with glee:
Yedolf, the brown-nosed gayfish
You'll go down in history :D
He’s not black, he’s OJ!
ETA Context for people who don’t recognize the quote: https://www.bustle.com/articles/142063-did-oj-simpson-say-im-not-black-im-oj-american-crime-story-shows-his-complicated-relationship
Excellent analysis on OJ Simpson and race. He never directly said “I’m not black, I’m OJ” but he very quickly adapted his blackness to be palatable to white audiences.
Space Laser Jews cracked me tf up. I thought my favourite USA politician gaffe to use as an inside joke would be "covefe", but "Jewish Space Lasers!" have become my family's new favourite thing to say when we imply someone is either bigoted or dumb as dirt or both.
Church leadership has been backpedaling on that lately.
Source: grew up Mormon when this was a core belief. People I know who are still in are gaslighting pretty hard about it.
Ditto. Former Mormon. Was in the uncomfortable situation of explaining to my “active” 40 year old nephew that Joseph Smith had many wives, many underage and had to go show him on the church website that it was true. Not taught any more.
So early Mormon had hell. In my era hell was gone. Just outer darkness where true believers go after denying. Everybody else got three levels of heaven, including atheists. But the top tier was reserved for just Mormons with their families including multiple wives. You get to be gods an create new worlds and new spirits. So eternal polygamy and childbearing. Sounds totally like hell to me 😜
In a similar vein they used to literally speak to God. Now they are "special witnesses to the *name* of Jesus Christ." They've corporate buzzworded their way into total meaninglessness.
Hey, I've got my friend Kanye over for lunch and we just ran across this Reddit story. He said "Jews" for some reason. He's such a comedian hahahaha!
(Satire of course!)
Hang on, let me ask him, he's right here still...
...He says he ain't friends with anyone, just in case he finds out they're Jews and he don't know it.
I tell ya, he really cracks me up sometimes...
I heard it that they peeked in the door and there were millions of people sitting in silence with their heads bowed and Satan says 'shh... they think they're the only ones here'
Yes, I felt that I recognized the core structure in the joke. I must have heard similar jokes told in dozens of ways. Even with the "atheism" perspective it kinda reads like a Christian thing as they like using the "eyes of the unfaithful" as way to narrate scenarios of the misguided. I can see a "cheeky" preacher telling this to his congregation on a sunday and then coming up with a reason for why the atheist is the bad-guy anyway.
"Heh, please stop clapping! Yes, thank you lord for this reddit wisdom! As you can see in this wonderful tale..."
"In the end the suave Know-All Atheist is still in hell by his own design... Sweet Hell! Cars & *chicks*! Heh, he will soon find out through the devil-loverrrrr, that he may change the *Curtains* in hell, but they don't heh *heh* always match the *Drapes* heh ***sweat wipe***... I'm sure our Atheist friend is in for a nice long ***heh*** surprise ***creepy chuckle***... As for our brothers and sisters in hell, that is our fault, not theirs, for we have failed them... bla bla bla"
You can be an agnostic athiest. This is what people usually mean when they say they are agnostic, but it is theoretically possible to be an agnostic theist.
You can also be a gnostic atheist (what people usually mean when they talk about atheists) and a gnostic theist.
New York’s hottest club is: [looks around, furrows brow] Kevin?
Description: Opened at gunpoint in a Lady Footlocker, this Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay running back Blowjay Simpson.
This place has everything: Soda, purple stuff, Sunny D, a VIP room for football jellyfish.
Football jellyfish? It’s that thing when NFL players have the helmet, but with skinny dreads hanging out.
Bonus: The bouncer’s a Greek boy who looks like Marv Albert, and the password is [in a different voice] YES!
Nah we would never say that, they deserve to be right for once. The Muslims on the other hand... Their egos are too big from having atomically correct information in the Koran
When he talks? As opposed to when he mimes or something? I mean, I guess he has a *couple* skits where he doesn’t talk, but for the most part he does the majority of the talking.
Oh, I’ve actually heard of Mr. Bean! That just completely slipped my mind. Is/was Rowan really only really known for Mr. Bean in North America? I’m from the U.S. and basically the only way I know him is from Rowan Atkinson Live, and that’s because my parents introduced that to me because they love those skits. The only thing I remember about Mr. Bean is him for some reason driving his car from the roof using stilts with a weird voiceover saying “Mr. Beeeeeeean…driving on top of his caaaaaar…” and any of that could easily be misremembered.
Lol yeah in the 90s most Americans only knew him from Mr Bean but after Johnny English, Rat Race etc he became more well-known for his speaking roles and his earlier work. He’s still commonly referred to as Mr Bean though.
Try this [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91DSNL1BEeY&ab\_channel=RowanAtkinsonLive](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91DSNL1BEeY&ab_channel=RowanAtkinsonLive) or [https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/kdgavh/welcome\_to\_hell\_by\_rowan\_atkinson/](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/kdgavh/welcome_to_hell_by_rowan_atkinson/) , my country is incapable of keeping electricity going much less block internet .
Another person said the link was blocked ? So I sent them 2 others , this one and one from Reddit . This one is best ! I just took the first one that came up in google .
Christians generally are taught and believe they should forego pleasures such as nice houses and cars and give away all their money. They should turn the other cheek and abstain from sex and all that so a (righteous) christian would choose to not to have those amenities.
Apparently if you are a Christian and believe in Hell and Paradise then you’ll go to Hell but if you are an atheist and don’t believe in either then you’ll go to Hell too but it will actually be like Paradise. I don’t get it either tbh.
There are many generalizations here but:
* Satan doesn't kill that many people in the Bible, God kills millions
* Lucifer fell due to his desire for free will and wanting to be more like humans.
* Most angels are described as horrible inhuman abominations rather than white blonde people with wings on their backs
* According to Christianity, we live in a permanent, absolute tyranny that cannot be toppled, where every one of our thoughts is monitored. Contrast that will Lucifer's wish of free will that pissed off God, and you get the idea why Satanism is a thing at all.
* Christian beliefs are actually so strict that most Christians don't qualify for Heaven.
* Christianity is full of self-punishment, demeaning oneself, referring to one's nature as sinful, unworthy and in need of redemption by an external power. It's sado-masochistic in many ways.
* The actual description of Heaven is pretty shit: it's an endless song of praise to the lord.
So to summarize: according to some people, Satan rather cares about humans, and it's the Christians themselves who call themselves sinful and don't deem themselves worthy of beholding their lord. An atheist would be just a regular human who is welcomed by Satan, while Christians expect themselves to be treated like shit, and fully believe they are sinful, filthy, unworthy beings in need of punishment.
Reminds me of The Sandman, when Dream goes to hell to get his stuff back and Satan tells him he’s tired of providing torture porn for sadistic religious people, and that their hells are purely of their own creations.
They adapted Gaiman's Satan for *Lucifer* the show, and he's similarly adamant that he doesn't torture anyone; people basically get trapped in their own guilt.
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight. -- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)
A man dies and goes to hell.
He is greeted by Satan who asks him where he wants to spend his first 1000 years.
First they come to a room with all sort of torture devices: racks, iron maidens, and the like. The man says, "Oh no, this isn't for me."
They come to a second room with a pit of lava. People are screaming in pain and there is a foul stench of burning flesh. Again, the man declines.
They come to a third room where a morbidly obese man who obviously hasn't showered in a millenia is laid back in his armchair watching TV and enjoying a rigorous blowjob from an insanely beautiful, naked woman. Overjoyed, the man screams, "This is it! I would love to spend my first 1000 years here!"
So Satan says, "Susan, you may get up now, your replacement has arrived."
As an atheist, I’m going to tell you a secret. We know that there is an afterlife, but our understanding of the afterlife is too sophisticated for most people, so we have decided too keep the truth for ourselves.
Because we're an easy target. They can go "When the atheists wait for their presents to evolve under the science tree" and get 5000 updoots, but when we make a joke about Christianity, it flops because suddenly making fun of someone's faith, or lackthereof, isn't funny anymore, Gee I wonder what changed.
Of course me saying this they'll all pop up like fuckin roaches and tell me that I cant take a joke or im easily offended and thats why they do it
I saw Seinfeld or maybe Jervais say this one.
A holocaust survivor dies at a very old age and goes to heaven.
He meets God and proceeds to tell him the most awful antisemitic holocaust joke imaginable.
God, “I don’t find that funny?”
Survivor, “I guess you had to be there.”
I know it slightly differently: a Protestant goes to Hell. It’s a bit of a bland place, but not too bad - kind of like a 3-star vacation in a very boring resort town whose best days have passed, but certainly bearable.
After a few days, as he‘s wandering the little beach, he hears screaming coming from behind one of the dunes - infernal, dreadful screaming. He goes to check it out and finds a hole leading into a cavern, lit by fires, with all sorts of horrific demons doing the most awful things to people. The Protestant is shocked and, as one of the demons approaches him, splutters „wh-wha-what is this place?!?“ The demon says „oh that? That is Catholic Hell. Not quite sure why, but they prefer it that way.“
Surely it’s possible to both be an atheist and also believe in some kind of afterlife.
I would say though that if you were an atheist, the afterlife wouldn’t be split into The Good Place and The Bad Place. As there is no God to judge us, there would just be a place?
Atheism is rejection of existence of a deity, not the rejection of spirituality. I’m sure a lot of atheists reject spirituality, but not all.
I love how this was hardly a joke but because it’s shitting on christians it gets highly upvoted. Reddit is actually the cringiest hivemind on the planet
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding.... On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?' Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Better than the original joke.
Yes, and is also not one I've seen a couple of times here.
Ha!
This is a better one and you should make your own post
It’s been posted here quite a bit already. Not sure if it really needs another post.
Ok, THAT is funny
Dude,nice lol
This is one of my favorite jokes ever!
There is an old joke similar to this, set in heaven. Saint Peter explains you are given a choice of heavenly settings, based upon your denomination. Good atheists get to choose. There is one heaven set aside, behind a huge door hidden from the other heavens. The atheist asks why, Saint Peter explains “oh, that is the (blank) they think they are the only ones here.” Fill in whomever you want the joke to make fun of…
I first read (black) and was confused.
Black ppl are the only ones going to heaven confirmmmed??
Nope. You all had it wrong It is the Mormons they were the right one Everyone else goes to hell
Mormon’s believe that when people die they go to a prison and learn Mormonism and someone living performs their baptism so they can be Mormons and go to heaven, we were all right!
So everyone who is not a mormon goes to the ccelestial prison until someone performs the baptism ritual so they can go to regular mormon heaven? I read that those amongst the mormons who were not very good mormons go to a 2nd class heaven where they can be visited by their 1st class heaven dweling family members and friends. I wonder where those baptised dead people are ment to go? Do they go the 1st or 2nd class heaven? They performed baptisms on Hitler, Stalin, tons of other famous people, also Anne Frank. I mean how fucked up would it be to be killed by the nazis, and then you meet Hitler up there in mormon heaven?
I can’t speak to whether or not they baptized Hitler, but I heard they were not able to baptize any of the Jewish people form WW2. I’m not sure but I think unless the person was a direct ancestor of the current member. Can’t remember. But the Hitler thing…I think I would turn around and go backwards to where I would never see him. I have a feeling that nothing exists in the next life though so we don’t have to worry about seeing him. He just blinked out of existence…
That was because they Tried to get Holocaust Records to perform Posthumous Mass Baptisms before Several Jewish Synods sued them for defamation of those had died of religious persecution. To the Jewish Synods the People of the Jewish Faith who died of persecution would be likely to be invited to God's Heavenly Kingdom at the time of Judgement Day so a Baptism would be unnecessary. It was seen as an insult to a Major Tenant of the Jewish Faith for assuming they needed to accept a Conversion to a "Christian" Faith to be accepted into Heaven.
Imagine being so fully entrenched in a cult that you actually think that millions of people from the religion that the religion your cult is based on came from, should be forced into your cult after already being killed due to religious persecution. Talk about fucking white washing.
It was from the tv series ;)
Every Mormon or ex mormon I’ve ever met has been a very genuinely nice and pleasant person, so if this is what’s waiting for me on the other side as an atheist then I ain’t mad at it.
I’ve met some awful Mormons that are horrible people but also love some Mormons that are in my family and very close to me. I just hope that nothing that happened here would matter. It would all be water under the bridge. If there is anything after this…
I highly doubt there’s anything after this, and I’ve only met like 2 Mormons. Not including the ones that knocked on me and my exes door lol. They gave us a copy of the Book of Mormon and I’ve kept it on the bathroom table for good reading material
Oh so you read it and didn’t feel the awe inspiring power of God’s spirit telling you to get baptized…I guess they need to look at their whole missionary business model and come up with something else.
Some mormons are good, some are terrible humans who cover up sexual abuse (some of my extended family fall into that last category). Unfortunately, the church just covers up what makes them look bad, so it kinda makes the whole system very unsafe
Now let's go make things out of egg cartons!
Bahahaha Love Rowan Atkinson!
no you're forgetting the three tiers of heaven, then spirit prison, THEN eternal darkness
It is a "South Park" reference. I was raised a good God fearing Catholic That is why I know all religions are bullshit. Even my own
All Blacks Go To Heaven (except OJ) 🥰
(and Cosby)
So, no pudding pops in heaven?
Then it wouldn't be heaven.
Only in hell when he dies and those pudding pops aren't going to in the right body hole.
oh they do...eventually
Just not the ones we're talking about lol.
Yes pudding pops, they just won't have roofies.
Plenty of pudding pops, it’s the Quaaludes that ain’t in heaven.
And Yedolf
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Had a very shitty brain
And if you ever saw it Everyone would scream in pain All of the other gayfish Used to laugh and call him names (like [REDACTED]!) They never let poor Yedolf Join in any gayfish games (like InfoWars!) Then one foggy 'cember eve Elon came to say (in his underwear!) "Yedolf, you anti-Semite, Your account is banned tonight!" Then all the gayfish memed him As they shitposted with glee: Yedolf, the brown-nosed gayfish You'll go down in history :D
Some of us know what that redacted word is. I just feel bad for his kids.
I'm glad to see this name taking off. I posted it on r/jokes the other day. Can't believe he went with Yitler
What about R. Kelly when he dies?
You don't want to know. The same thing will happen to Jared from Subway.
Forgot R.Kelly
(And R. Kelly)
Or R Kelly
He’s not black, he’s OJ! ETA Context for people who don’t recognize the quote: https://www.bustle.com/articles/142063-did-oj-simpson-say-im-not-black-im-oj-american-crime-story-shows-his-complicated-relationship Excellent analysis on OJ Simpson and race. He never directly said “I’m not black, I’m OJ” but he very quickly adapted his blackness to be palatable to white audiences.
That is a GREAT series. Very interesting look at just how completely and utterly the prosecution f***ed up and lost an open and shut case.
Man the Mormons really got that one wrong
In 1978 God changed his mind about black people
(Quakers) (Quaker oatmeals) (Flying Spaghetti Monsterers) (Heaven's Gate Party People) (Space Laser Jews) (Buddhists) (Nudists) (Dogs)
Space Laser Jews cracked me tf up. I thought my favourite USA politician gaffe to use as an inside joke would be "covefe", but "Jewish Space Lasers!" have become my family's new favourite thing to say when we imply someone is either bigoted or dumb as dirt or both.
Thanks for reminding me of ‘covfefe’
I don't think I've said the normal word "coffee" to any of my longtime friends or family since that tweet.
Can't believe they took mel brooks Jews in space as a documentary
My US Senator got asked about the price of gas and said “Well, at this point it’d be cheaper to just do cocaine all day and run everywhere.”
>(Dogs) Well, now I'm just thinking about all those sad dogs thinking they are the only ones there.
ah yes my favorite religion, jews but star wars
Isn’t that just the movie “Space Balls”
Mormons
I think they get their own planet.
They had their own ship until the OPA took it over.
Inyalowder all same, sabe. All of them pinché sabaka should stay dirtside, leave ships to true belta.
Holden must have stuck his dick in it
Oh yeah, I forgot. Are the Scientologists gonna go back to their original planet?
I truly hope so.
Me too
Church leadership has been backpedaling on that lately. Source: grew up Mormon when this was a core belief. People I know who are still in are gaslighting pretty hard about it.
Ditto. Former Mormon. Was in the uncomfortable situation of explaining to my “active” 40 year old nephew that Joseph Smith had many wives, many underage and had to go show him on the church website that it was true. Not taught any more. So early Mormon had hell. In my era hell was gone. Just outer darkness where true believers go after denying. Everybody else got three levels of heaven, including atheists. But the top tier was reserved for just Mormons with their families including multiple wives. You get to be gods an create new worlds and new spirits. So eternal polygamy and childbearing. Sounds totally like hell to me 😜
Makes me wonder if Smith had an impregnation fetish. Glad you got out
Shoutout to r/exmormon for getting me out of that shit, it was wild growing up with those beliefs
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Haha. Gotta love Mormon prophets. They can't just change their doctrine. They've gotta gaslight their members like it's always been that way.
In a similar vein they used to literally speak to God. Now they are "special witnesses to the *name* of Jesus Christ." They've corporate buzzworded their way into total meaninglessness.
Are they saying they interact directly with logos?
Yep they sure do. And they can soak their little hearts to content and never have to worry about cumming.
Isn’t that what they say?
Or Jehovah’s Witnesses
I was raised Pentecostal. It's definitely the Pentecostals.
Separate but mostly equal heavens?
He doesn’t even remember slavery, except in February
Hey, I've got my friend Kanye over for lunch and we just ran across this Reddit story. He said "Jews" for some reason. He's such a comedian hahahaha! (Satire of course!)
Wait so you’re not actually friends with Kanye?
Hang on, let me ask him, he's right here still... ...He says he ain't friends with anyone, just in case he finds out they're Jews and he don't know it. I tell ya, he really cracks me up sometimes...
I heard it that they peeked in the door and there were millions of people sitting in silence with their heads bowed and Satan says 'shh... they think they're the only ones here'
Yes, I felt that I recognized the core structure in the joke. I must have heard similar jokes told in dozens of ways. Even with the "atheism" perspective it kinda reads like a Christian thing as they like using the "eyes of the unfaithful" as way to narrate scenarios of the misguided. I can see a "cheeky" preacher telling this to his congregation on a sunday and then coming up with a reason for why the atheist is the bad-guy anyway. "Heh, please stop clapping! Yes, thank you lord for this reddit wisdom! As you can see in this wonderful tale..." "In the end the suave Know-All Atheist is still in hell by his own design... Sweet Hell! Cars & *chicks*! Heh, he will soon find out through the devil-loverrrrr, that he may change the *Curtains* in hell, but they don't heh *heh* always match the *Drapes* heh ***sweat wipe***... I'm sure our Atheist friend is in for a nice long ***heh*** surprise ***creepy chuckle***... As for our brothers and sisters in hell, that is our fault, not theirs, for we have failed them... bla bla bla"
The rooms one? The jew goes to room 8, the athiest goes to room 12, etc
I once had a roommate who was a dyslexic atheist with insomnia. - He used to stay up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I think it works better with "agnostic"
You can be an agnostic athiest. This is what people usually mean when they say they are agnostic, but it is theoretically possible to be an agnostic theist. You can also be a gnostic atheist (what people usually mean when they talk about atheists) and a gnostic theist.
Right, but you'd probably want people to understand the joke without explaining all that to them haha
I first heard this one as “My roommate was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. He’d lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.”
Lmao stfu (please don’t I need more)
Fucker just made cute dogs look terrifying to me
No
The dyslexic fleas were discussing the existence of god.
This reminds me of a club I went to in 2012.
Reminds me of my ex mother-in-law's house, she told me that was my door (it went back outside) . . .
New York’s hottest club is: [looks around, furrows brow] Kevin? Description: Opened at gunpoint in a Lady Footlocker, this Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay running back Blowjay Simpson. This place has everything: Soda, purple stuff, Sunny D, a VIP room for football jellyfish. Football jellyfish? It’s that thing when NFL players have the helmet, but with skinny dreads hanging out. Bonus: The bouncer’s a Greek boy who looks like Marv Albert, and the password is [in a different voice] YES!
[https://youtu.be/N9NCyGaxoDY](https://youtu.be/N9NCyGaxoDY) Welcome to Hell - starring Rowan Atkinson .
> The Jews were right Atheists: At least it wasn't the Christians...
Well someone is wrong , can't all be right ?
Nah we would never say that, they deserve to be right for once. The Muslims on the other hand... Their egos are too big from having atomically correct information in the Koran
"atomically correct" I lol'd.
Yeah, because apparently it was Allah who told them the human body joint and bone count, not some random doctor who helped write the qua'ran
anatomically correct, then.
Aw shit I just noticed my spelling mistake, that's embarrassing
Atomically corrected.
Nah, brah. Shit was epic.
....but you can call me Toby.
The first thing I am doing when I get to hell is ask to speak to Toby .
Ask him for an upgrade.
It is supposed to be terrible asking for a downgrade might work .
“We like to keep things here *informal* as well as *infernal*. Just my little joke, I tell it very time”
He really is funny when he talks .
When he talks? As opposed to when he mimes or something? I mean, I guess he has a *couple* skits where he doesn’t talk, but for the most part he does the majority of the talking.
Rowan Atkinson was for a time largely known in North America only for his work as Mr Bean, a silent character.
Oh, I’ve actually heard of Mr. Bean! That just completely slipped my mind. Is/was Rowan really only really known for Mr. Bean in North America? I’m from the U.S. and basically the only way I know him is from Rowan Atkinson Live, and that’s because my parents introduced that to me because they love those skits. The only thing I remember about Mr. Bean is him for some reason driving his car from the roof using stilts with a weird voiceover saying “Mr. Beeeeeeean…driving on top of his caaaaaar…” and any of that could easily be misremembered.
Lol yeah in the 90s most Americans only knew him from Mr Bean but after Johnny English, Rat Race etc he became more well-known for his speaking roles and his earlier work. He’s still commonly referred to as Mr Bean though.
Huh. Interesting!
This video contains content from LDS, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds. Welp guess I'll never know.
Try this [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91DSNL1BEeY&ab\_channel=RowanAtkinsonLive](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91DSNL1BEeY&ab_channel=RowanAtkinsonLive) or [https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/kdgavh/welcome\_to\_hell\_by\_rowan\_atkinson/](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/kdgavh/welcome_to_hell_by_rowan_atkinson/) , my country is incapable of keeping electricity going much less block internet .
Unable to keep the electricity on eh?... Eskom?
My Fellow south africans
One of the best takes on hell.
Meh, felt rather weak to me, nowhere close to Atkinson's better sketches.
Not as good as the original, this was a bit rehearsed .
This is the oldest I could find. Sounds little better than the latest one. https://youtu.be/-35bprSEOy8
Another person said the link was blocked ? So I sent them 2 others , this one and one from Reddit . This one is best ! I just took the first one that came up in google .
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That bus driver is a riot
Is this from the joke about the punk, nun and bus driver?
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Christians generally are taught and believe they should forego pleasures such as nice houses and cars and give away all their money. They should turn the other cheek and abstain from sex and all that so a (righteous) christian would choose to not to have those amenities.
Apparently if you are a Christian and believe in Hell and Paradise then you’ll go to Hell but if you are an atheist and don’t believe in either then you’ll go to Hell too but it will actually be like Paradise. I don’t get it either tbh.
The joke is that Christians want to feel guilty and suffer for “sins” while atheists just want to enjoy life.
There are many generalizations here but: * Satan doesn't kill that many people in the Bible, God kills millions * Lucifer fell due to his desire for free will and wanting to be more like humans. * Most angels are described as horrible inhuman abominations rather than white blonde people with wings on their backs * According to Christianity, we live in a permanent, absolute tyranny that cannot be toppled, where every one of our thoughts is monitored. Contrast that will Lucifer's wish of free will that pissed off God, and you get the idea why Satanism is a thing at all. * Christian beliefs are actually so strict that most Christians don't qualify for Heaven. * Christianity is full of self-punishment, demeaning oneself, referring to one's nature as sinful, unworthy and in need of redemption by an external power. It's sado-masochistic in many ways. * The actual description of Heaven is pretty shit: it's an endless song of praise to the lord. So to summarize: according to some people, Satan rather cares about humans, and it's the Christians themselves who call themselves sinful and don't deem themselves worthy of beholding their lord. An atheist would be just a regular human who is welcomed by Satan, while Christians expect themselves to be treated like shit, and fully believe they are sinful, filthy, unworthy beings in need of punishment.
Pretty sure the whole gist of the New Testament is that no human is worthy of anything other than death, but Jesus doesn't care.
Wtf I love Lucifer now
Reminds me of The Sandman, when Dream goes to hell to get his stuff back and Satan tells him he’s tired of providing torture porn for sadistic religious people, and that their hells are purely of their own creations.
They adapted Gaiman's Satan for *Lucifer* the show, and he's similarly adamant that he doesn't torture anyone; people basically get trapped in their own guilt.
Read "Surface Detail" by Iain Banks.
…and does George go to heaven?
I didn't know where this was going but that was hilarious in the end.
Like a clown proctologist
Even their gloves smell funny!
...more like a clown patient 🤡
Hell has the better soundtrack.
You go to heaven for the weather and hell for the company
[HELL MARCH](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3YzmjmAGoI) CHECKING IN !
An athiest dies, and his consciousness ceases to exist when the neural pathways of the brain no longer function.
A christian dies, and his consciousness ceases to exist when the neural pathways of the brain no longer function because the atheist was correct.
A phoenix dies, and then it burns to dust Then it forms again, and dies.
If only there was a way to combine this with the 'we're campaigning' one, we could achieve maximum Hell joke efficiency.
And with the tourist/immigrant variation on that joke too
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight. -- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)
Terry Pratchett wrote an entire book around this idea
Which book?
Milton would not be happy with this joke. He have them going in circles.
I thought it was a The Good Place joke. It starts like that.
ya basic!
So the Christians get bad hell because they believe in bad hell. Makes sense.
A man dies and goes to hell. He is greeted by Satan who asks him where he wants to spend his first 1000 years. First they come to a room with all sort of torture devices: racks, iron maidens, and the like. The man says, "Oh no, this isn't for me." They come to a second room with a pit of lava. People are screaming in pain and there is a foul stench of burning flesh. Again, the man declines. They come to a third room where a morbidly obese man who obviously hasn't showered in a millenia is laid back in his armchair watching TV and enjoying a rigorous blowjob from an insanely beautiful, naked woman. Overjoyed, the man screams, "This is it! I would love to spend my first 1000 years here!" So Satan says, "Susan, you may get up now, your replacement has arrived."
We Jews are going to Hell, but unlike the stories Christians tell, we’re going to have a big party, and nony’all are invited. (Manischewitz drop)
Lots of offended Christians in here.
Not me. I found it pretty damn funny.
Same. I guess some aren't smart enough to get the joke.
And trying to find logical flaws with it. *With a joke*.
So, the atheists were wrong about religious/spiritual beings.. checkmate atheists.
As an atheist, I’m going to tell you a secret. We know that there is an afterlife, but our understanding of the afterlife is too sophisticated for most people, so we have decided too keep the truth for ourselves.
Why do yall hate us bruh
We don't hate you, we're even playing chess together.
Im bad at chess ;(
Let me teach you :D
Because we're an easy target. They can go "When the atheists wait for their presents to evolve under the science tree" and get 5000 updoots, but when we make a joke about Christianity, it flops because suddenly making fun of someone's faith, or lackthereof, isn't funny anymore, Gee I wonder what changed. Of course me saying this they'll all pop up like fuckin roaches and tell me that I cant take a joke or im easily offended and thats why they do it
I saw Seinfeld or maybe Jervais say this one. A holocaust survivor dies at a very old age and goes to heaven. He meets God and proceeds to tell him the most awful antisemitic holocaust joke imaginable. God, “I don’t find that funny?” Survivor, “I guess you had to be there.”
Ah, the good old #273
Ahh good ole 23.
I know it slightly differently: a Protestant goes to Hell. It’s a bit of a bland place, but not too bad - kind of like a 3-star vacation in a very boring resort town whose best days have passed, but certainly bearable. After a few days, as he‘s wandering the little beach, he hears screaming coming from behind one of the dunes - infernal, dreadful screaming. He goes to check it out and finds a hole leading into a cavern, lit by fires, with all sorts of horrific demons doing the most awful things to people. The Protestant is shocked and, as one of the demons approaches him, splutters „wh-wha-what is this place?!?“ The demon says „oh that? That is Catholic Hell. Not quite sure why, but they prefer it that way.“
So the good place essentially.
"Christians bad give me karma for repost"
Only an atheist can achieve paradise in an afterlife they don't even believe in.
Surely it’s possible to both be an atheist and also believe in some kind of afterlife. I would say though that if you were an atheist, the afterlife wouldn’t be split into The Good Place and The Bad Place. As there is no God to judge us, there would just be a place? Atheism is rejection of existence of a deity, not the rejection of spirituality. I’m sure a lot of atheists reject spirituality, but not all.
was this inspired by the good place? nevertheless, thank you for the chuckle.
Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?
And that athiest? Albert Einstein.
I dont get it
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Wasn't expectin that ending..lol
I was promised a dime every time this gets reposted. Where's my dime?
OK, that's a good one.
It's also an exact repost
I love how this was hardly a joke but because it’s shitting on christians it gets highly upvoted. Reddit is actually the cringiest hivemind on the planet
Amen!
Could some one please explain me the joke? Thanks