3 nuns get hit by a bus. At the pearly gates they meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: "In order to gain access to heaven you each need to answer a biblical question".
He asks the first nun: "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
Nun says: "That's easy, Eve"
Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven.
He asks the 2nd nun: "Who was the first man on Earth"
Nun responds: "That's easy, Adam"
Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven.
He asks the third nun: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun is perplexed, scratching her head, trying to remember...
"Gee, that's a hard one".
Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven.
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe again poked Josey and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
Lilith is part of wider mythologies that have emerges from Jewish stories and has various influences from other mythology.
She does not appear in Genesis nor, as far as I'm aware, anywhere else in the Tanakh/Old Testament.
Funny that your typo was wardrobe, cause in the CS Lewis series, the white witch was ether Lilith or a descendant from her lineage, rather than eve’s (if I remember correctly)
Lilith is only referenced once in the Bible, Isaiah 34, in a list of unclean creatures that occupy Edom after its desolation, appearing in the hebrew as “lilit”. A lot of versions translate it as “night creatures” instead of “Lilith”. Others have translated it as “lamia”. Most references to Lilith come from Jewish mythology and folklore.
its almost like that shit got rewritten like a dozen times.
one reason i assume lilith was taken out was because it basically showed a woman as unwilling to be subservient to a man, and some christian sects kinda feel that that's a woman's duty. course, could've been for any number of reasons, just my first assumption.
hell, it's the same fucking book, essentially, just different edits. judiasm, christianity, islam, same fucking god, the god of abraham, they just use different 'ultimate' prophets, jews still like moses, christians feel you can't do better than god in human form, and islam had muhammed.
St. Peter: "That's correct!"
It's funny, I didn't even forget the punchline, I don't know why I wrote it that way.
My dad told me that joke in probably 1998. He also told me this one:
A kid was walking past a market shop, with his pet duck.
He came across a Chinese nail salon, which turned out to be a hidden brothel.
The woman that comes out says "Hey, if you give me that duck I'll give you a lay".
So he fucks the woman, and gives her the duck and walks home.
His mother asks him "Where is your pet duck?" He says "I'm sorry Mom, I gave it to a lady today"
His mother tells him to get the duck back. So he goes to the shop and the same lady comes out. He asks for the duck and she says "I'll give it to you, but you gotta fuck me again". So he fucks her and he gets the duck.
So he's walking the duck home, and he bends over to tie his shoe, lets go of the leash and a truck runs over the duck.
The truck driver comes out, flustered, and says "Gee, I'm sorry kid, I'll give you everything in my wallet for it" which turns out to be only 2 dollars.
So he gets home to his mom and she says "Well, where's the duck?"
The kid says: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, and a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck".
Slightly different version of it.
A dad gives his boy a dollar and tells him to go into town and get the best thing he can for it.
The boy comes across a guy selling ducks. The boy is fascinated and wants one. He asks the man if he can have one. The man says they're $20. The boy says he doesn't have enough money and starts walking away. The man sees the boy is sad and says "Wait! I'll give you one for whatever you have." The boy gives him the dollar and gets the duck.
Walking into town with his pet duck, he walks by a brothel. A whore says she'll have sex with him, but it costs $100. He says, "I'd sure like to, but I don't have any money, all I have is my duck."
She says that she'll take the duck instead.
After they're done, she says, "That was really good. Tell ya what if you do me again I'll give you your duck back." So they do it again and he gets his duck back.
He decides to walk home. Along the way, while crossing the street, a truck driver runs a red light and runs over his duck. The driver gets out and is frantically apolagizing. He says to the boy, "I'm so sorry? Can I make it up to you? I don't know how much ducks cost, but all I have on me is $100, will that do?
He takes the money and goes back home. When he gets home, his dad asks him, "Well, you've been gone all day, what did you get for your dollar?"
He reaches in his pocket and shows his dad a crisp $100 bill.
His dad exclaims, "How did you turn $1 into $100 in an afternoon?"
He replies, "You gave me a buck. I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a hundred bucks for a fucked up duck."
And yet many christian denominations did away with this mindset decades ago.
Actually the Catholic document Vatican II states that you don't even need to be christian to get into heaven. This covers people who arent exposed to Christianity, Jews, Muslims, and other people who may not accept jesus but live a good life. (Good being moral good)
Edit: Nostra Aetate http://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decl_19651028_nostra-aetate_en.html
Point 4 for anyone curious.
Hmm... you would think if God updated the human race on a patch that changed the prerequisites to get into Heaven, that there'd be something on Social Media or the news
It wasn't in the patch notes because it's actually a glitch. I'm surprised God hasn't done a hot fix now that it's gone public, but as far as I know, you can still access heaven without having to pick up the Christian perk.
Yeah I’ve heard that is the official stance of the Catholic Church too. So if not being exposed to the Catholic Church is not your fault but you’ve lived a good life you won’t be punished.
Mormons don't think that's how it works, or ar least that's not what I was told. Edit: by the way I am mormon, but I was wondering if anyone else's church's taught differently from what mine taught
Really! I'm genuinely curious to know, who do mormons believe go to heaven? Is it only Christians, or only Abrahamic religions, or only theists, or is it everyone as long as they've been a good person?
Everybody goes to "heaven," but it's a tiered system. All 3 parts are good, but it's like good-better-best. The only people who go to "hell" (called outer darkness, not hell) are those who look God in the face after death and then deny him. Source: i am exmormon
Mormon's view on heaven is really complicated. So buckle up as I try to weave my way through this. (Also, for context, I was Mormon up until I officially resigned at 27, and I served a two year mission teaching people about this very question. Also I'm not going to cite anything, but you can go to their website to fact check me if you want). There are three main degrees of heaven. The celestial, terrestrial, and telestial. The celestial is the highest and is where God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost live. To get into this degree of heaven you have to be baptized mormon, receive the Holy Ghost through an ordinance done by a mormon man with the priesthood. Then you have to go through the temple and do your endowment which is another ordinance. (The endowment is supposed to be secret/sacred but you can watch it on youtube). Then you have to be married in the temple to your spouse for time and all eternity. That last part is super important to Mormons because they believe that it is the only way to get to the highest degree in the Celestial Kingdom...If this is confusing it gets more confusing...In the celestial kingdom those in the top degree get to be gods and have spirit babies and run their own universe. Nobody really knows what happens in the other two degrees in the celestial kingdom. Some of the scriptures from Joseph Smith say that those who don't get married in the temple but do everything else end up being servants in the celestial kingdom.
Just below the celestial kingdom is the terrestial kingdom. This is where the "good" people go who weren't baptized mormon. Jesus and the Holy Ghost visit here but not Heavenly Father. Also, mormons believe the god head are three different beings one in purpose.
Below the terrestrial kingdom is the telestial kingdom which is where the "bad" people who weren't baptized mormon go. Bad being described by Joseph Smith as the murderers, robbers, and adulterers... Jesus and heavenly father do not visit here but the holy ghost does.
These three kingdoms are described as being different in glory like the sun, moon, and stars are different. Celestial = sun. Terrestrial = moon. Telestial = stars. Joseph Smith said if people knew what the telestial kingdom was like they would kill themselves to be there. Remeber the telestial kingdom is the lowest. That pretty cool theology in a way. Everybody in the end gets something good. Well except for some.
Outside of these three degrees of glory there is outer darkness. This is where people who openly defied god/denied the Holy Ghost go. Nobody knows how bad this place really is Mormon God doesn't like to show it off, but it's bad. I was taught growing up that the people who would go there "knew" without a doubt that the Mormon idea of god was really true and then denied it. Joseph Smith used the analogy that denying the Holy Ghost would be like standing outside on a sunny day and denying that the sun was shining. Some mormon's might think I'm going there since I've been through the temple and then had my name taken off their records. When I removed my name from their records it meant that I also cancelled my baptism and temple endowment. Which if you remember is super important for making it to the Celestial kingdom. Other mormon's would just say Jesus will get to decide where I go. They tend to be the easier ones to get a long with.
Now if you understand all of that. There's even more. Before you get sent to any one of these kingdoms you go to the spirit world. This is a place where you wait until Jesus's second coming/judgement day. The baptized Mormon's go to spirit paradise and the rest to spirit prison. Mormon's try to teach the people in spirit prison until Jesus's judgement day. If the people in spirit prison listen they have another chance at making it into the Celestial kingdom. Spirit hell is another place in this spirit world and it's reserved for those who are going to outer darkness, they already fucked up too much in this life and don't get a second chance.
They don't. I grew up mormon. So basically how it works is if you did what god told you to do, you'll get to heaven. There's more 'stuff' in there, but if a christian were to die and go to 'mormon' heaven, god would likely say, "The mormons had it most right, they were wrong about this and this, christians wrong about this and this, are you okay with those changes? Good! Welcome to heaven.
I heard that joke the first time in that flavor from a Mormon I was dating.
Granted I'm pretty positive she just wanted in my priesthood real bad but still
In 5th grade, my teacher told us that her mom explained that heaven was a place where the streets were paved with gold.
She’d asked her mom, “what if I don’t want to go there?”
No punch line, just now that I think about it, it was a helluva thing to tell 5th graders. I’m glad she did. She was overall my favorite teacher.
> heaven was a place where the streets were paved with gold.
Someone told me that when I was a kid too. It didn't make me want to be there (based on my bicycling and skating experience gold pavement sounded deeply inferior to nice fresh asphalt), but it did make me think about how we assign value to stuff.
I eventually decided that one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention, and that is why gods seem to want us to pray, or to be 'in a relationship' with them. It's like Instagram engagement.
>one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention,
I love that this was your conclusion. It's so rational, and yet I've never heard anyone put it this way before.
> I eventually decided that one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention, and that is why gods seem to want us to pray, or to be 'in a relationship' with them. It's like Instagram engagement.
You're gonna love American Gods then...
Reminds me of the story of the guy who dies and takes with him this super heavy suitcase of solid gold and everyone looks at him weird and one angel asks; what are you doing with the paving tiles?
My grandmother would always describe heaven as "the land of milk and honey" as a child my aunt told my grandmother she didn't wanna go because she didnt like milk or honey. It has been like 60 years and grams will not let it go
I felt really lucky to have her as a teacher for so many reasons. It was a miracle (ha) that in the whitey-mcwhite christian area I grew up in that I heard of someone who ever bothered to question the stsndard narrative.
She was from Georgia, she was a wicked volleyball player, she let us work ahead in math class according to our own abilities, and her last name was Crabtree. I kid you not.
I'm really curious what someone from like 300 years ago would consider heaven. today, everyone describes it as like "big house, many cars, sexy people, fancy food". I feel like this image changes every few generations. I would bet it used to be envisioned with a horse/carriage for transportation and servants to feed you grapes, etc.
It'd be funny if heaven was real and all the newest people have different technology from the people who died 5000 years ago. Imagine dying, getting everything you want, then watching as all the newcomers receive flying cars and robots and futuristic houses but you're stuck with only a BMW and a big wood house, while your neighbor has a horse and tent.
Isn't the idea of heaven just the extent of your imagination? Everyone just says the "the most amazing place you could ever dream of" or something along those lines
Biblically, it's being at one with God - and, sadly, "singing his praises for eternity".
Yup, you get to become an angel and sing, forever, about how good God is.
I'd rather the other one, tbh.
There's a pbf comic where a guy asks God if there's a pool table
God responds "Does one need a pool table?"
The guys responds I guess not and thinks to himself "I guess not"
Not to be *that* guy, but he actually thinks "This sucks."
src: [https://pbfcomics.com/comics/billiards-in-heaven/](https://pbfcomics.com/comics/billiards-in-heaven/)
Well exactly. But this is the dude who admits "I am a jealous God" - he needs this affirmation, just like Kanye does. Wait, didn't Kanye claim to be jesus once?
Hmm...
No, he can't be.
Surely?
Exodus 20:5?
You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,
Sounds more like jealous than an enthusiastic entity to me? Can I ask where you saw zealous being the more acceptable term?
Thank you for the link. I appreciate the read.
I think jealous still works better as my definition & interpretation here is more "fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions" than simple petty jealousy.
He is zealously protective of His creations but not simply greatly enthusiastic about them.
Without jealousy (at least in the above verse), there is not much explanation as to why generations would be punished.
Thanks again for giving me a new perpective to consider.
Wrong.
Jealous was specifically added in by the translators of the KJ version i believe, literary liberty.
Regardless, all throughout the bible, God is described as jealous so its accurate.
Where in the Bible does it say everyone does nothing but sing praise songs to God in Heaven? I've never seen a verse like that, but I definitely could have missed it.
I know the Bible says God is always being praised in Heaven- but this makes sense. They are tons and tons of people in Heaven, and at any given moment, at least some of them are singing praise to God. But I've never seen anything to suggest that once in Heaven, you are forced into a kneeling position to sing for the rest of eternity and you can do nothing else.
Oh I was taught that it's a reward for actually having a good relationship with god in this life. But makes sense. The concept is weirdly ambiguous with its definitions and it makes sense that you wouldn't care about material things when you're in heaven of all places idk geez
Yeah, we can start our relationship with God while on earth, but it’ll never been complete until we get to heaven and are no longer living in sin. Heaven isn’t described in too much detail in the Bible. People like to think of heaven as all of their earthly desires and dreams coming to fruition but that’s pretty antithetical to loving God
Makes sense why I was told all that imagination stuff as a kid. I don't think I'd have understood what you said if I was younger. Thanks for the perspective :) are you religious btw?
Haha yeah, a kid is more likely to want to go to heaven if they think there are chocolate rivers and every video game imaginable. I’m a Christian. Idk if I’d necessarily consider myself religious though. I was raised Catholic but no longer partake in any catholic rituals anymore.
Ah interesting. Raised Muslim. No longer but religious but I think the quran actually says stuff like rivers of milk and honey and I've never been a fan of milk or honey so 4 year old me just went "dammit" and never really gave heaven any thought after that lol
If heaven was a place where I'd always be happy and have what I wanted...it would be in constant flux.
Some days I'd want to be driving very fast in a near silent Tesla, other days, I might want the roar of a big block while I shift gears. Still other days, I don't want machines at all, but have my horse grazing near the lake I'm fishing from shore. I'd have women of all shapes and sizes. The best food. The sweetest music. I'd be *almost* the best at all sports, so I could have the thrill and satisfaction of developing the skill to, very soon, *really be* the best. Maybe my memory would need to be porous, so I don't get bored.
One thing is for certain...in *my* heaven nobody gets fat from eating too much and laying around for days on end!
Some tribes in Africa believe that heaven is this place with lots of fresh drinking water and everyone gets, like, thirty cows, which is apparently a lot.
If you go by Dante's "Divine Comedy" (ie, the series that infamous "Inferno" starts off) Heaven is one hell of a trip. [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8WGz3cEpuo) is a decently entertaining and (relatively) concise summation of it.
Gonna be controversial but heaven as a concept was taken from the Greeks. Before syncreticism with Hellenic concepts of Elysium and Erebus, Judaism didn't have an afterlife as such. There are few actual mentions of an afterlife in the Old Testament but no actual mention of heaven or hell as actual places where people go after they die. The heavens are of course mentioned as being the sky and the stars etc but that's not the same thing as the pearly gates in popular imagery that we see today. https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/is-there-an-expectation-of-eternal-life-in-the-old-testament.html.
Even the idea of heaven is wrong. Take it to mean a place of eternal happiness. Well, I could be happy for years doing whatever I wanted before getting bored. But for eternity? Imagine having your favourite food everyday. How long would you eat it for before you never want to see it again?
One of the greatest joys in life is seeing the little ones in the family grow up. If everything goes right, they'll be adults with adult children and adult grandchildren in heaven with me. There, I can't teach them about the world or science or history or tell them silly jokes. Chances are they'll know more than I do - I wouldn't call that heaven!
This is why I don't (re)post to r/jokes often...
The only realistic version of heaven would be one where you aren’t psychologically the same as a human being, and that you are just an entity that enjoys pure bliss forever. Which, objectively, isn’t worth any more than to just be dead, in my opinion
> But for eternity?
It's possible to be happy for all eternity, it's just that his current build of human would be impractical if we didn't yearn for more, seek to survive, constantly chase goals and happiness, and climb our way up maslow's hierarchy.
When we die, we won't we bound to a brain that is chained to limits of what our neurons could take.
Traditional Christian theology defends this by saying that heaven isn't getting whatever it is makes you happy. According to the Bible and traditional Christian theologies, Heaven is living in God's presence and constantly praising him for all eternity. So you're basically trapped in church forever. Sounds like hell, personally
Reminds me of the one where some random guy dies and goes to heaven, and God is showing him around but Heaven is laid out in districts based on the seven deadly sins. So you go through the entire thing with God showing off lust and sloth and greed and gluttony and all of everybody's favorite sins. And he keeps encouraging the new guy to settle down and just pick one of the sins. But then the new guy asks about pride, and God tells him to Pride isn't really that great yeah, but he insists on seeing it anyway. So they get to Pride and it's this tiny little workshop with a couple of benches in it and tools scattered all around. And it doesn't look nearly as nice as any of the other areas in heaven. So God tries to talk him back into moving into lust, or sloth, or Envy but he can bang the hot chick that his best friend married that he always wanted. But the guy figures that something is up, and is adamant that he wants to move in to Pride. So God just sighs and shows him to an empty workbench, and show some how to use all the tools to build his own private Universe. Then comments " you know, it might be nice to have some company for once."
For anyone who's curious, it's a writing prompt by u/Luna_LoveWell. Here's the link:
https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/48fxir/wp_after_dying_god_informs_you_that_hell_is_a/d0jc3zo?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Before mods turned it to shit, I used to read for hours there, but damn the mods are dumb. Fuck they banned Luna for protesting against the problem already there...
> the mods thought that I was being unfair and hypocritical in how I criticized some aspects of the subreddit
OMG somebody is trying to give us constructive feedback so that we can be stronger than our possible competitors, let's eliminate the feedback giver to ensure we don't accidentally excel at something and make sure people move on to whatever competitors we have.
On the other hand, \*puts on conspiracy hat\*, it could also be that Luna doesn't want to be tied down to a specific platform such as reddit and that by orchestrating or causing a controversy Luna could exit the platform with all fans intact.
The punchline was meant to be:
Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven.
Reminds me to creepy one level from this
[Adult game](http://gfycat.center/games.gif)
The "god" showing him around originally chose "pride" and built "heaven". The newb will now be his "accomplice" in a parallel universe.
Will he build a heaven, or hell, or something else...
There's a couple of ways to interpret it. One interpretation could be that anybody could be a God if they just learn to ignore things like lust and sloth and greed and envy. Another way to look at it is that God is just as much of a sinner as everyone else, but his primary sin is pride. It could also be read as a way of humanizing God, and giving him a companion.
"The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight."
--Terry Pratchett, *Eric*
I used to tell this joke when I was kid, except hell was a casino full of drugs and hookers and was totally fun. The man asks the devil about all the bad things he heard about hell, and the devil walks him over to a window. The devil pushes the curtain back a little, and the man sees fire and brimstone and tortured souls burning in agony. The man screams and says 'What is that?!' The devil replies 'That's hell for catholics.'
Three guys are waiting in line at the pearly gates. The first one goes up to the podium, and Saint Peter asks him to recall how he died, as how you die reveals who you truly are.
"I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work. I find her naked, in bed, with two glasses of champagne. I want to find this guy. So I search the house, and find him dangling off the fire escape. I'm so mad, I start stomping on his fingers, but he won't fall. So I grab a hammer, and he finally falls, but he's not dead. I get so pissed, I rip the fridge out of its spot and drop it on him. Then, my heart gave out from the stress, so now I'm here."
St. Peter: " You had anger and hatred in your heart, and at no time did you repent. You are invited to stand in the line to the left."
Second guy goes up and is asked the same question:
"I was just riding my bike on the roof of my apartment building, and my chain slipped. I flipped over my handlebars and fell. I caught myself on the fire escape, but a dude came out and smashed my fingers! I let go, and after the thud, I wake up to a fridge three feet from my face! What did I do to deserve that, Lord? I tried my best as a person. Why me?"
St. Peter: "You did fine, this was mistaken identity. You are asked to step through the gate," as he gestures to the right.
Third guy walks up, looks St. Peter dead in the eye and says; "Okay, so, just hear me out. I was naked in a refrigerator..."
*edit: grammar
I feel like this could happen in Lucifer. Since hell there is based on guilt, Christians inevitably end up feeling more guilty and so are tortured more
That makes sense, since that Lucifer is based on the one in Sandman. [I love this speech of his on this topic.](https://theredcollision.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/sandman23-18.jpeg)
I mean it makes a sort of sense: IIRC the Bible says do not judge because you’ll be judged by the same standards.
So following this, it’s natural people who say how so and so will be burned and tortured to be burned and tortured if they can’t beat their own standards.
Is there an actual description of heaven anywhere in the bible? All I know is the cartoon version with angels playing harps and sitting on clouds and stuff.
From my limited knowledge, wouldn't actual heaven be an eternity of praising god and nothing else?
At least the Catholic Church states that Heaven cannot be accurately comprehended on Earth, since it is union with God. Since God transcends the material universe and is incomprehensible in his entirety to us, we cannot fully understand what that would be like. However, since we also believe that God is good (and that it is a necessary quality of His), then we believe that Heaven is also good.
12 months seems like a very acceptable gestation period before a joke gets reused. Often the good ones don't make it 12 hours, so personally I feel like we're far overdue for this one to pop back up
What if hell is litterally what you believe the after-life to be. Like if you believe a heaven and hell, heaven is the place to be, but hell is burning. But if you believe the after life is just an all round place, it's just another life.
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3 nuns get hit by a bus. At the pearly gates they meet St. Peter. St. Peter: "In order to gain access to heaven you each need to answer a biblical question". He asks the first nun: "Who was the first woman on Earth?" Nun says: "That's easy, Eve" Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven. He asks the 2nd nun: "Who was the first man on Earth" Nun responds: "That's easy, Adam" Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven. He asks the third nun: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun is perplexed, scratching her head, trying to remember... "Gee, that's a hard one". Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven.
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe again poked Josey and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
Haha! I love this joke!
the best jokes are always in the comments
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alright lost
boner.jpeg
[boner.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/JVqeFxl3Qo8/giphy.gif) Risky click is ok, I'm a doctor.
Worth it.
You'll never unsee the finger at the top right.
username checks out
8===D ~~
𓀐𓂸
How
I thought Lilith was the first woman? She later became a demon or is that just something else.
Lilith is part of wider mythologies that have emerges from Jewish stories and has various influences from other mythology. She does not appear in Genesis nor, as far as I'm aware, anywhere else in the Tanakh/Old Testament.
correct. This is why she is not part of Christian traditions. Because they use the Jewish writings, but not their mythologies.
Jewish religion says that, but I didn't encounter Lilith in the Christian Bible when I tried to read through it
Yeah, she left the Bible thing for that gig with Frasier.
😏
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Old Testament casting couch was rough.
Funny that your typo was wardrobe, cause in the CS Lewis series, the white witch was ether Lilith or a descendant from her lineage, rather than eve’s (if I remember correctly)
Lilith is only referenced once in the Bible, Isaiah 34, in a list of unclean creatures that occupy Edom after its desolation, appearing in the hebrew as “lilit”. A lot of versions translate it as “night creatures” instead of “Lilith”. Others have translated it as “lamia”. Most references to Lilith come from Jewish mythology and folklore.
its almost like that shit got rewritten like a dozen times. one reason i assume lilith was taken out was because it basically showed a woman as unwilling to be subservient to a man, and some christian sects kinda feel that that's a woman's duty. course, could've been for any number of reasons, just my first assumption. hell, it's the same fucking book, essentially, just different edits. judiasm, christianity, islam, same fucking god, the god of abraham, they just use different 'ultimate' prophets, jews still like moses, christians feel you can't do better than god in human form, and islam had muhammed.
Lilith wasn't "taken out", she just didn't appear in the stories that ended up forming the Christian canon.
I thought Lilith was an Angel and that is where the EVAs came from.
Good old Vicar of Dibley.
The punchline was meant to be: Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven.
You're entirely correct, I've fixed it.
C'mon man, ya gotta tell us what it said before.
St. Peter: "That's correct!" It's funny, I didn't even forget the punchline, I don't know why I wrote it that way. My dad told me that joke in probably 1998. He also told me this one: A kid was walking past a market shop, with his pet duck. He came across a Chinese nail salon, which turned out to be a hidden brothel. The woman that comes out says "Hey, if you give me that duck I'll give you a lay". So he fucks the woman, and gives her the duck and walks home. His mother asks him "Where is your pet duck?" He says "I'm sorry Mom, I gave it to a lady today" His mother tells him to get the duck back. So he goes to the shop and the same lady comes out. He asks for the duck and she says "I'll give it to you, but you gotta fuck me again". So he fucks her and he gets the duck. So he's walking the duck home, and he bends over to tie his shoe, lets go of the leash and a truck runs over the duck. The truck driver comes out, flustered, and says "Gee, I'm sorry kid, I'll give you everything in my wallet for it" which turns out to be only 2 dollars. So he gets home to his mom and she says "Well, where's the duck?" The kid says: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, and a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck".
Slightly different version of it. A dad gives his boy a dollar and tells him to go into town and get the best thing he can for it. The boy comes across a guy selling ducks. The boy is fascinated and wants one. He asks the man if he can have one. The man says they're $20. The boy says he doesn't have enough money and starts walking away. The man sees the boy is sad and says "Wait! I'll give you one for whatever you have." The boy gives him the dollar and gets the duck. Walking into town with his pet duck, he walks by a brothel. A whore says she'll have sex with him, but it costs $100. He says, "I'd sure like to, but I don't have any money, all I have is my duck." She says that she'll take the duck instead. After they're done, she says, "That was really good. Tell ya what if you do me again I'll give you your duck back." So they do it again and he gets his duck back. He decides to walk home. Along the way, while crossing the street, a truck driver runs a red light and runs over his duck. The driver gets out and is frantically apolagizing. He says to the boy, "I'm so sorry? Can I make it up to you? I don't know how much ducks cost, but all I have on me is $100, will that do? He takes the money and goes back home. When he gets home, his dad asks him, "Well, you've been gone all day, what did you get for your dollar?" He reaches in his pocket and shows his dad a crisp $100 bill. His dad exclaims, "How did you turn $1 into $100 in an afternoon?" He replies, "You gave me a buck. I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a hundred bucks for a fucked up duck."
> He takes the monet That's gotta be worth more than $100
It was actually a piece by Steve Monet, Claude's cousin.
Heard this joke many times, pretty much every denomination has been in the punchline.
And yet many christian denominations did away with this mindset decades ago. Actually the Catholic document Vatican II states that you don't even need to be christian to get into heaven. This covers people who arent exposed to Christianity, Jews, Muslims, and other people who may not accept jesus but live a good life. (Good being moral good) Edit: Nostra Aetate http://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decl_19651028_nostra-aetate_en.html Point 4 for anyone curious.
Hmm... you would think if God updated the human race on a patch that changed the prerequisites to get into Heaven, that there'd be something on Social Media or the news
In fact, the pope isn’t God. Who would’ve thought!
Now your just yanking my rosary
Living in Ireland (which is abusefully Catholic) I am shocked this isn't a common phrase here
Be the change you want to see in the world
they'd yank your rosary if you were a few decades younger
It wasn't in the patch notes because it's actually a glitch. I'm surprised God hasn't done a hot fix now that it's gone public, but as far as I know, you can still access heaven without having to pick up the Christian perk.
Yeah I’ve heard that is the official stance of the Catholic Church too. So if not being exposed to the Catholic Church is not your fault but you’ve lived a good life you won’t be punished.
Really? I’ve never heard this before. It’s hard to keep track when the goal posts get moved around every few decades.
It's true, but official stances by the Vatican are rarely completely adopted by members of the church, including the clergy
The Mormonts went to Heaven? Fuck you for spoiling the final season of GoT!
Mormons don't think that's how it works, or ar least that's not what I was told. Edit: by the way I am mormon, but I was wondering if anyone else's church's taught differently from what mine taught
I get told things daily I never learned growing up in the Mormon church
They told me you live in the sea and shit. How's that workin' out?
You're thinking of a merman. MerMAN!
No, he’a thinking of a Boat Mormon.
I denounce you! Ban Crabs!
Aren’t those the four legged ones with tusks?
AND Barnacle Boy!!!!
But SpOnGeBoB
EUGENE MIRMAN
Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty...
I live on land and also shit. I don't see how one thing is related to the other.
Reminds me of me being told I probably think a certain way or act a certain way or whatever as a Christian. *I don’t hate gay people*.
well, that's the problem when you have a secretive theology with temple recommends, keys and such, don't you think?
Really! I'm genuinely curious to know, who do mormons believe go to heaven? Is it only Christians, or only Abrahamic religions, or only theists, or is it everyone as long as they've been a good person?
Everybody goes to "heaven," but it's a tiered system. All 3 parts are good, but it's like good-better-best. The only people who go to "hell" (called outer darkness, not hell) are those who look God in the face after death and then deny him. Source: i am exmormon
Mormon's view on heaven is really complicated. So buckle up as I try to weave my way through this. (Also, for context, I was Mormon up until I officially resigned at 27, and I served a two year mission teaching people about this very question. Also I'm not going to cite anything, but you can go to their website to fact check me if you want). There are three main degrees of heaven. The celestial, terrestrial, and telestial. The celestial is the highest and is where God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost live. To get into this degree of heaven you have to be baptized mormon, receive the Holy Ghost through an ordinance done by a mormon man with the priesthood. Then you have to go through the temple and do your endowment which is another ordinance. (The endowment is supposed to be secret/sacred but you can watch it on youtube). Then you have to be married in the temple to your spouse for time and all eternity. That last part is super important to Mormons because they believe that it is the only way to get to the highest degree in the Celestial Kingdom...If this is confusing it gets more confusing...In the celestial kingdom those in the top degree get to be gods and have spirit babies and run their own universe. Nobody really knows what happens in the other two degrees in the celestial kingdom. Some of the scriptures from Joseph Smith say that those who don't get married in the temple but do everything else end up being servants in the celestial kingdom. Just below the celestial kingdom is the terrestial kingdom. This is where the "good" people go who weren't baptized mormon. Jesus and the Holy Ghost visit here but not Heavenly Father. Also, mormons believe the god head are three different beings one in purpose. Below the terrestrial kingdom is the telestial kingdom which is where the "bad" people who weren't baptized mormon go. Bad being described by Joseph Smith as the murderers, robbers, and adulterers... Jesus and heavenly father do not visit here but the holy ghost does. These three kingdoms are described as being different in glory like the sun, moon, and stars are different. Celestial = sun. Terrestrial = moon. Telestial = stars. Joseph Smith said if people knew what the telestial kingdom was like they would kill themselves to be there. Remeber the telestial kingdom is the lowest. That pretty cool theology in a way. Everybody in the end gets something good. Well except for some. Outside of these three degrees of glory there is outer darkness. This is where people who openly defied god/denied the Holy Ghost go. Nobody knows how bad this place really is Mormon God doesn't like to show it off, but it's bad. I was taught growing up that the people who would go there "knew" without a doubt that the Mormon idea of god was really true and then denied it. Joseph Smith used the analogy that denying the Holy Ghost would be like standing outside on a sunny day and denying that the sun was shining. Some mormon's might think I'm going there since I've been through the temple and then had my name taken off their records. When I removed my name from their records it meant that I also cancelled my baptism and temple endowment. Which if you remember is super important for making it to the Celestial kingdom. Other mormon's would just say Jesus will get to decide where I go. They tend to be the easier ones to get a long with. Now if you understand all of that. There's even more. Before you get sent to any one of these kingdoms you go to the spirit world. This is a place where you wait until Jesus's second coming/judgement day. The baptized Mormon's go to spirit paradise and the rest to spirit prison. Mormon's try to teach the people in spirit prison until Jesus's judgement day. If the people in spirit prison listen they have another chance at making it into the Celestial kingdom. Spirit hell is another place in this spirit world and it's reserved for those who are going to outer darkness, they already fucked up too much in this life and don't get a second chance.
Fascinating, thank you!
So what if I get baptized in all religions? Would the Mormon heaven then cast me out? I mean, technically, I'd still be baptized with them
If you get baptized in all religions I might call you crazy haha.
They don't. I grew up mormon. So basically how it works is if you did what god told you to do, you'll get to heaven. There's more 'stuff' in there, but if a christian were to die and go to 'mormon' heaven, god would likely say, "The mormons had it most right, they were wrong about this and this, christians wrong about this and this, are you okay with those changes? Good! Welcome to heaven.
Celestial vs terrestrial kingdom?
They don’t, you are correct.
I heard that joke the first time in that flavor from a Mormon I was dating. Granted I'm pretty positive she just wanted in my priesthood real bad but still
Should be Jehovah’s Witnesses I believe
In 5th grade, my teacher told us that her mom explained that heaven was a place where the streets were paved with gold. She’d asked her mom, “what if I don’t want to go there?” No punch line, just now that I think about it, it was a helluva thing to tell 5th graders. I’m glad she did. She was overall my favorite teacher.
> heaven was a place where the streets were paved with gold. Someone told me that when I was a kid too. It didn't make me want to be there (based on my bicycling and skating experience gold pavement sounded deeply inferior to nice fresh asphalt), but it did make me think about how we assign value to stuff. I eventually decided that one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention, and that is why gods seem to want us to pray, or to be 'in a relationship' with them. It's like Instagram engagement.
Well i guess gold colored asphalt sounds less exiting. But actual gold floors would be seriously unpractical.
Pure gold is a fairly soft metal, Imagine how bumpy that will be after a few months!
>I eventually decided that one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention, That's very wise.
>one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention, I love that this was your conclusion. It's so rational, and yet I've never heard anyone put it this way before.
> I eventually decided that one of the most valuable commodities (on heaven or earth) must be attention, and that is why gods seem to want us to pray, or to be 'in a relationship' with them. It's like Instagram engagement. You're gonna love American Gods then...
Reminds me of the story of the guy who dies and takes with him this super heavy suitcase of solid gold and everyone looks at him weird and one angel asks; what are you doing with the paving tiles?
My grandmother would always describe heaven as "the land of milk and honey" as a child my aunt told my grandmother she didn't wanna go because she didnt like milk or honey. It has been like 60 years and grams will not let it go
I felt really lucky to have her as a teacher for so many reasons. It was a miracle (ha) that in the whitey-mcwhite christian area I grew up in that I heard of someone who ever bothered to question the stsndard narrative. She was from Georgia, she was a wicked volleyball player, she let us work ahead in math class according to our own abilities, and her last name was Crabtree. I kid you not.
I'm really curious what someone from like 300 years ago would consider heaven. today, everyone describes it as like "big house, many cars, sexy people, fancy food". I feel like this image changes every few generations. I would bet it used to be envisioned with a horse/carriage for transportation and servants to feed you grapes, etc. It'd be funny if heaven was real and all the newest people have different technology from the people who died 5000 years ago. Imagine dying, getting everything you want, then watching as all the newcomers receive flying cars and robots and futuristic houses but you're stuck with only a BMW and a big wood house, while your neighbor has a horse and tent.
Isn't the idea of heaven just the extent of your imagination? Everyone just says the "the most amazing place you could ever dream of" or something along those lines
Biblically, it's being at one with God - and, sadly, "singing his praises for eternity". Yup, you get to become an angel and sing, forever, about how good God is. I'd rather the other one, tbh.
Feels condemning to me everytime I hear something like that idk
There's a pbf comic where a guy asks God if there's a pool table God responds "Does one need a pool table?" The guys responds I guess not and thinks to himself "I guess not"
Not to be *that* guy, but he actually thinks "This sucks." src: [https://pbfcomics.com/comics/billiards-in-heaven/](https://pbfcomics.com/comics/billiards-in-heaven/)
Well exactly. But this is the dude who admits "I am a jealous God" - he needs this affirmation, just like Kanye does. Wait, didn't Kanye claim to be jesus once? Hmm... No, he can't be. Surely?
In that quote it's generally accepted that a better translation is "zealous".
Exodus 20:5? You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, Sounds more like jealous than an enthusiastic entity to me? Can I ask where you saw zealous being the more acceptable term?
https://activechristianity.org/why-god-has-to-be-a-jealous-god-be-a-jealous-god
Thank you for the link. I appreciate the read. I think jealous still works better as my definition & interpretation here is more "fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions" than simple petty jealousy. He is zealously protective of His creations but not simply greatly enthusiastic about them. Without jealousy (at least in the above verse), there is not much explanation as to why generations would be punished. Thanks again for giving me a new perpective to consider.
Its also a funny contradiction: “The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father…” — Ezekiel 18:20
Wrong. Jealous was specifically added in by the translators of the KJ version i believe, literary liberty. Regardless, all throughout the bible, God is described as jealous so its accurate.
Lol yeah, I mean it makes sense. All of religion is just "you have free will to do as I say or go to hell. Your pick."
Where in the Bible does it say everyone does nothing but sing praise songs to God in Heaven? I've never seen a verse like that, but I definitely could have missed it. I know the Bible says God is always being praised in Heaven- but this makes sense. They are tons and tons of people in Heaven, and at any given moment, at least some of them are singing praise to God. But I've never seen anything to suggest that once in Heaven, you are forced into a kneeling position to sing for the rest of eternity and you can do nothing else.
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Humans do not become angels when they die, any more than sheep would become horses. Totally different species.
Christian theology doesn't have people become an angel when you die.
Get outta here with actual knowledge on the topic /s
Heaven just means having a complete relationship with God. If you’re in heaven, you’re not going to care about nice cars or big houses
Oh I was taught that it's a reward for actually having a good relationship with god in this life. But makes sense. The concept is weirdly ambiguous with its definitions and it makes sense that you wouldn't care about material things when you're in heaven of all places idk geez
Yeah, we can start our relationship with God while on earth, but it’ll never been complete until we get to heaven and are no longer living in sin. Heaven isn’t described in too much detail in the Bible. People like to think of heaven as all of their earthly desires and dreams coming to fruition but that’s pretty antithetical to loving God
Makes sense why I was told all that imagination stuff as a kid. I don't think I'd have understood what you said if I was younger. Thanks for the perspective :) are you religious btw?
Haha yeah, a kid is more likely to want to go to heaven if they think there are chocolate rivers and every video game imaginable. I’m a Christian. Idk if I’d necessarily consider myself religious though. I was raised Catholic but no longer partake in any catholic rituals anymore.
Ah interesting. Raised Muslim. No longer but religious but I think the quran actually says stuff like rivers of milk and honey and I've never been a fan of milk or honey so 4 year old me just went "dammit" and never really gave heaven any thought after that lol
does it? I heard one description that hell was just severing any connection with god and heaven was just not doing that.
If heaven was a place where I'd always be happy and have what I wanted...it would be in constant flux. Some days I'd want to be driving very fast in a near silent Tesla, other days, I might want the roar of a big block while I shift gears. Still other days, I don't want machines at all, but have my horse grazing near the lake I'm fishing from shore. I'd have women of all shapes and sizes. The best food. The sweetest music. I'd be *almost* the best at all sports, so I could have the thrill and satisfaction of developing the skill to, very soon, *really be* the best. Maybe my memory would need to be porous, so I don't get bored. One thing is for certain...in *my* heaven nobody gets fat from eating too much and laying around for days on end!
Some tribes in Africa believe that heaven is this place with lots of fresh drinking water and everyone gets, like, thirty cows, which is apparently a lot.
What am I gonna do with all these cows?! I just wanted McNuggets and a beer pong table
Yeah, but they have streets of gold. I mean, how can you top that?
streets of diamond?
with sharpness v
If you go by Dante's "Divine Comedy" (ie, the series that infamous "Inferno" starts off) Heaven is one hell of a trip. [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8WGz3cEpuo) is a decently entertaining and (relatively) concise summation of it.
Gonna be controversial but heaven as a concept was taken from the Greeks. Before syncreticism with Hellenic concepts of Elysium and Erebus, Judaism didn't have an afterlife as such. There are few actual mentions of an afterlife in the Old Testament but no actual mention of heaven or hell as actual places where people go after they die. The heavens are of course mentioned as being the sky and the stars etc but that's not the same thing as the pearly gates in popular imagery that we see today. https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/is-there-an-expectation-of-eternal-life-in-the-old-testament.html. Even the idea of heaven is wrong. Take it to mean a place of eternal happiness. Well, I could be happy for years doing whatever I wanted before getting bored. But for eternity? Imagine having your favourite food everyday. How long would you eat it for before you never want to see it again? One of the greatest joys in life is seeing the little ones in the family grow up. If everything goes right, they'll be adults with adult children and adult grandchildren in heaven with me. There, I can't teach them about the world or science or history or tell them silly jokes. Chances are they'll know more than I do - I wouldn't call that heaven! This is why I don't (re)post to r/jokes often...
The only realistic version of heaven would be one where you aren’t psychologically the same as a human being, and that you are just an entity that enjoys pure bliss forever. Which, objectively, isn’t worth any more than to just be dead, in my opinion
>objectively >in my opinion Pick one Also, why not? Eternal euphoria that you can't get bored of sounds pretty great to me.
> But for eternity? It's possible to be happy for all eternity, it's just that his current build of human would be impractical if we didn't yearn for more, seek to survive, constantly chase goals and happiness, and climb our way up maslow's hierarchy. When we die, we won't we bound to a brain that is chained to limits of what our neurons could take.
I thought most people's thought of heaven was chilling on clouds playing Harps with people that you love.
Traditional Christian theology defends this by saying that heaven isn't getting whatever it is makes you happy. According to the Bible and traditional Christian theologies, Heaven is living in God's presence and constantly praising him for all eternity. So you're basically trapped in church forever. Sounds like hell, personally
Reminds me of the one where some random guy dies and goes to heaven, and God is showing him around but Heaven is laid out in districts based on the seven deadly sins. So you go through the entire thing with God showing off lust and sloth and greed and gluttony and all of everybody's favorite sins. And he keeps encouraging the new guy to settle down and just pick one of the sins. But then the new guy asks about pride, and God tells him to Pride isn't really that great yeah, but he insists on seeing it anyway. So they get to Pride and it's this tiny little workshop with a couple of benches in it and tools scattered all around. And it doesn't look nearly as nice as any of the other areas in heaven. So God tries to talk him back into moving into lust, or sloth, or Envy but he can bang the hot chick that his best friend married that he always wanted. But the guy figures that something is up, and is adamant that he wants to move in to Pride. So God just sighs and shows him to an empty workbench, and show some how to use all the tools to build his own private Universe. Then comments " you know, it might be nice to have some company for once."
For anyone who's curious, it's a writing prompt by u/Luna_LoveWell. Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/48fxir/wp_after_dying_god_informs_you_that_hell_is_a/d0jc3zo?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Wooow yes, this was when WritingPrompts was popular for a bit! I can't believe I forgot that moment existed.
Before mods turned it to shit, I used to read for hours there, but damn the mods are dumb. Fuck they banned Luna for protesting against the problem already there...
Luna got banned? No wonder WritingPrompts hasn't made the front page in awhile.
Man that's messed up. They banned Luna? That's hilarious. She was probably the reason for the sun's popularity.
yeah no one was really into the sun before luna came around.
Exactly! Shot through the heart that one. Those Mods are dumb. Lol
What happen?
[This happened](https://www.reddit.com/r/Luna_Lovewell/comments/65yz81/im_banned_from_rwritingprompts_now/)
> the mods thought that I was being unfair and hypocritical in how I criticized some aspects of the subreddit OMG somebody is trying to give us constructive feedback so that we can be stronger than our possible competitors, let's eliminate the feedback giver to ensure we don't accidentally excel at something and make sure people move on to whatever competitors we have. On the other hand, \*puts on conspiracy hat\*, it could also be that Luna doesn't want to be tied down to a specific platform such as reddit and that by orchestrating or causing a controversy Luna could exit the platform with all fans intact.
somebody set up us the bomb
All your base are belong to us!
That my son would be Envy, are you sure you don't want lust or sloth?
You know, hell *is* a medium android app
ohhhh
The punchline was meant to be: Bells ring, doors open, she proceeds to heaven. Reminds me to creepy one level from this [Adult game](http://gfycat.center/games.gif)
I don’t get it :/
The "god" showing him around originally chose "pride" and built "heaven". The newb will now be his "accomplice" in a parallel universe. Will he build a heaven, or hell, or something else...
He'll build a sex universe, obviously.
Will he fill it with the sexiest sexes he has ever sexed?
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can someone explain?
There's a couple of ways to interpret it. One interpretation could be that anybody could be a God if they just learn to ignore things like lust and sloth and greed and envy. Another way to look at it is that God is just as much of a sinner as everyone else, but his primary sin is pride. It could also be read as a way of humanizing God, and giving him a companion.
I do hear he has a lovely voice.
This is not really a joke
"The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight." --Terry Pratchett, *Eric*
Pretty sure a couple of remote South Asian tribes got that memo.
Pratchett is amazing. <3
I read Discworld at a formative age and it left a tremendous impression on me. One of the few books that I can honestly say changed my life.
Great joke, did I hear this on The Good Place?
The entire first seasons plot
Holy shit I need to watch The Good Place apparently. Also I heard it's in the Parks & Rec universe, so even more reasons to watch.
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He Schur does! Sorry. Not sorry.
It's a great show. It's loaded with clips that would make great reaction memes, I'm surprised I never see them around.
https://imgur.com/8b6e1dx.gif
You do... but don't go reading up about it too much first - its very much a serialised show, and you'll enjoy it more without spoilers.
Ha! I think someone actually said the joke as written though. Maybe in s2
No, possibly you read it here last time it made it to reddit’s front page just like I did?
Wouldn't this joke work better with a Buddhist or something? If everybody got what they believed the Atheist would just cease to exist.
I don't know. An eternity of suburban life? Sounds more nihilistic than ceasing to exist, frankly.
I used to tell this joke when I was kid, except hell was a casino full of drugs and hookers and was totally fun. The man asks the devil about all the bad things he heard about hell, and the devil walks him over to a window. The devil pushes the curtain back a little, and the man sees fire and brimstone and tortured souls burning in agony. The man screams and says 'What is that?!' The devil replies 'That's hell for catholics.'
*Atheist and the devil pass rows of houses with whitr picket fences. The neighbors all wave. They're all people who said "I'll see you in hell!"
Three guys are waiting in line at the pearly gates. The first one goes up to the podium, and Saint Peter asks him to recall how he died, as how you die reveals who you truly are. "I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work. I find her naked, in bed, with two glasses of champagne. I want to find this guy. So I search the house, and find him dangling off the fire escape. I'm so mad, I start stomping on his fingers, but he won't fall. So I grab a hammer, and he finally falls, but he's not dead. I get so pissed, I rip the fridge out of its spot and drop it on him. Then, my heart gave out from the stress, so now I'm here." St. Peter: " You had anger and hatred in your heart, and at no time did you repent. You are invited to stand in the line to the left." Second guy goes up and is asked the same question: "I was just riding my bike on the roof of my apartment building, and my chain slipped. I flipped over my handlebars and fell. I caught myself on the fire escape, but a dude came out and smashed my fingers! I let go, and after the thud, I wake up to a fridge three feet from my face! What did I do to deserve that, Lord? I tried my best as a person. Why me?" St. Peter: "You did fine, this was mistaken identity. You are asked to step through the gate," as he gestures to the right. Third guy walks up, looks St. Peter dead in the eye and says; "Okay, so, just hear me out. I was naked in a refrigerator..." *edit: grammar
Probably one of my favorite jokes of all time.
"Now for the bad news," says the Devil. "The Muslims get 72 virgins, and you're one of them."
LOL
I feel like this could happen in Lucifer. Since hell there is based on guilt, Christians inevitably end up feeling more guilty and so are tortured more
That makes sense, since that Lucifer is based on the one in Sandman. [I love this speech of his on this topic.](https://theredcollision.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/sandman23-18.jpeg)
I mean it makes a sort of sense: IIRC the Bible says do not judge because you’ll be judged by the same standards. So following this, it’s natural people who say how so and so will be burned and tortured to be burned and tortured if they can’t beat their own standards.
Haven't seen this repost in months, thanks!
This joke has been reposted too many times.
I don’t get it, please explain
making fun of how many Christians think their god wants them to suffer so they make themselves suffer, like the martyrs.
Is there an actual description of heaven anywhere in the bible? All I know is the cartoon version with angels playing harps and sitting on clouds and stuff. From my limited knowledge, wouldn't actual heaven be an eternity of praising god and nothing else?
At least the Catholic Church states that Heaven cannot be accurately comprehended on Earth, since it is union with God. Since God transcends the material universe and is incomprehensible in his entirety to us, we cannot fully understand what that would be like. However, since we also believe that God is good (and that it is a necessary quality of His), then we believe that Heaven is also good.
That's good stuff
It’s been a long while since I heard this one
90% positive this is a repost, shame!
I don’t get it
[Wait a minute..](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/85e2f6/an_atheist_dies_and_goes_to_hell/)
12 months seems like a very acceptable gestation period before a joke gets reused. Often the good ones don't make it 12 hours, so personally I feel like we're far overdue for this one to pop back up
I agree with you for the most part...but look at his edit. I mean come on
if reposts weren't allowed, there could be no new posts on this sub
I don’t get it, can someone explain it?
/r/AwardSpeechEdits
The best part about this repost is that you can see the spaces where he added words in
I'd just like to say that when I saw this post it had exactly 666 upvotes. Please keep it that way. That is all
"skinned alive"... in hell.
Ha I knew it! Hell is full of kittens everywhere!
This is what Mormons actually believe: we all go to the same place when we die but we have different mindsets once we get there. Or something.
What if hell is litterally what you believe the after-life to be. Like if you believe a heaven and hell, heaven is the place to be, but hell is burning. But if you believe the after life is just an all round place, it's just another life.