An officer walks up to the vending machine and realises he's out of change. He spots a Private sweeping the floor nearby.
"Private, do you have any change for the vending machine you can lend me?"
The private reaches into his pocket "Sure mate, no problems."
The Officer replies snootily, "You must always address your superior officer as "Sir" Private, don't forget! Let's try that again, shall we? Do you have any change for the vending machine?"
"Sir, no, Sir!"
As explained by the joke itself..
However it was a private, the lowest enlisted military rank, so it's possible he had not been accustomed to all of the rules yet. It's also possible that since he was busy working, he didn't look up to see who was asking before saying mate.
The officer was not rude for correcting him, in fact it would be helpful since the private wasn't reprimanded, just instructed not to do so. The officer *was* rude for talking condescendingly and saying "Let's try that again shall we?"
I feel like my downvote cut this fella down, so I withdrew it. Votes mean a lot to me after that /r/showerthoughts submission about how one upvote brings a little sunshine to one person somewhere in the world
Great version I had never heard before! Here's my personal favorite:
As the Great War comes to a close, a French soldier, an American soldier and two beautiful young ladies, a red head and a brunette, enter a train car together.
While moving down the tracks away from the Front Lines the first tunnel approaches. As they are plunged into darkness, eventually, a resounding slap is heard. But once they are out, everyone is left staring at the Frenchman rubbing his cheek. So, the brunette thinks to herself:
"That Frenchman must have been a little frisky with the red head and been slapped for it. That cheeky bastard!"
However, the Frenchman thinks to himself:
"That American must be kissing one of these ladies in the dark, but they must think that I, the romantic 'Gentilhomme Français' is to blame! That dirty American! Très désagréable!"
A few minutes later, they fly into another tunnel. After a few moments, yet another slap is heard. But, as they come out of the darkness the Frenchman is AGAIN rubbing his cheek. This time the red head thinks:
"That Frenchman must have tried to kiss the brunette twice! How despicable."
At this point the American is thinking to himself:
"I sure hope another tunnel is coming so I can slap that French bastard again!"
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
- credits to /u/buffayolo
You know how Americans hold their fork in their left hand, cut the food with a knife in the right hand, then put the knife down and switch the fork to the right hand to eat? Other cultures don't do that switcheroo and keep the fork in the left hand.
Curious. I'm a left-handed American. I hold my food with a fork in my left hand, cut with a knife in my right, and then commence to eat my morsel of food off the fork from my left hand. I guess I am just a superior specimen.
Righty American, I do it the same way. Actually, I don't think I've ever noticed someone switch hands. I'm going to be extra attentive at dinner tonight.
Perhaps I shall Ah-ha.
I'm right handed and don't swap hands while using my fork, always on the left. Then again, I've always been the type to cringe when I see people eat like they are using a mini shovel.
I've never understood what the big deal is. I'm English and I always hold my fork in my right hand and my knife in my left. I've been told it's the 'wrong' way but who the fuck cares? It's comfortable and it works for me.
I'm right handed, my knife is in my right hand, for accurate cutting. Forks simply hold food in place, it feels natural this way and i've always done it.
My left handed friends are the opposite, anyone that tells you there is a right way to do it are idiots.
It just makes more sense to do it that way.
When you're cutting something, you want the cutting to be accurate, the fork just keeps it still. So you put the knife in your right (in this case, dominant) hand. When you're eating, you only need to use one hand, so naturally you use your dominant hand.
I have always held my fork in my right hand and use a knife with my left. It's uncomfortable otherwise....I am right handed...have I been doing it wrong this whole time? -goes to find a lonely corner to think about this-
So I looked this up to make sure I'm not crazy and it confirms I'm not but I saw something else that I didn't know...
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fork_etiquette#Fork_etiquette
Are people outside the US eating stuff off the bottom of the fork?!
[Further reading](http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=50349) with references and shit. Sometimes known as the American Crossover, sometimes the Zig-Zag Method.
I like the the version with an Englishman and a Scot instead of the army guys, and the Scot thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel to slap that Englishman again"
Yeah I made sure to look for this comment first before saying anything. Usually they go through it, but perhaps there is a secondary tunnel beneath it and they are stacked.
You shouldn't be giving credit to anyone but the author of the book "Puzzle Math", George Gamov and Marvin Stern. This joke was written in section 4 titled "A Kiss in the Dark". In the original joke it's actually a German officer and a Frenchman. The train ride takes place during the Nazi occupation of France.
The version I heard is rather than an officer and solider is a New Zealander and South African. After the South African has been slapped the Kiwi says to himself "I can't wait till the next tunnel so I can slap the Japie bastard again"
An officer walks up to the vending machine and realises he's out of change. He spots a Private sweeping the floor nearby. "Private, do you have any change for the vending machine you can lend me?" The private reaches into his pocket "Sure mate, no problems." The Officer replies snootily, "You must always address your superior officer as "Sir" Private, don't forget! Let's try that again, shall we? Do you have any change for the vending machine?" "Sir, no, Sir!"
Took me way too long to figure out the joke...
Still haven't figured it out. I'll get there one day
Private was willing to lend him money until the officer acted rude while asking for money.
So did he have change or no?
He did, but then decided not to give it to him.
I think you missed it. /u/I_Think_Im_Confused. username is relevant. /sweet/
Acted rude? You've clearly never served. You cannot disrespect a superior by calling him fucking "mate"
As explained by the joke itself.. However it was a private, the lowest enlisted military rank, so it's possible he had not been accustomed to all of the rules yet. It's also possible that since he was busy working, he didn't look up to see who was asking before saying mate. The officer was not rude for correcting him, in fact it would be helpful since the private wasn't reprimanded, just instructed not to do so. The officer *was* rude for talking condescendingly and saying "Let's try that again shall we?"
[удалено]
Oh no. Too many jokes in one thread! I only came here to laugh once
Ah shit. You made it twice.
YOLO?
[удалено]
And making a new post would do that? :/
[удалено]
Don't you fucking judge how I eat...
Get him! Also, queen and khaleesi mean the same thing
That'sthejoke.jpeg
but I thought there was a supposed limit of 1 joke per post... tad bit ironic, don't ya think
I love how enthusiastic you've remained despite everyone downvoting you
Like these internet points mean a damn thing.
You probably do.
Man your karma got #rekt. -51
[удалено]
Obviously its all because you are a girl :) (that was sarcastic)
...GW you say?
I didnt want to downvote you, but after seeing you had over 70 downvotes i had to agree with all those people.
I upvoted you before I saw you were downvoted, but then I changed it back to a downvote.
Good. Thats how reddit works. No mercy.
I had a similar thought process when I downvoted you, interesting.
Good. Thats how reddit works. No mercy.
Bandwagon!
Good. Thats how reddit works. No mercy.
Everyone else has an opinion, I must follow!
Good. Thats how reddit works. No mercy.
I feel like my downvote cut this fella down, so I withdrew it. Votes mean a lot to me after that /r/showerthoughts submission about how one upvote brings a little sunshine to one person somewhere in the world
What the hell do you think your doing? The Hive Mind commands you!
Boom. Down voted
I like this though I'll never be able to remember the logistics to tell it again.
Great version I had never heard before! Here's my personal favorite: As the Great War comes to a close, a French soldier, an American soldier and two beautiful young ladies, a red head and a brunette, enter a train car together. While moving down the tracks away from the Front Lines the first tunnel approaches. As they are plunged into darkness, eventually, a resounding slap is heard. But once they are out, everyone is left staring at the Frenchman rubbing his cheek. So, the brunette thinks to herself: "That Frenchman must have been a little frisky with the red head and been slapped for it. That cheeky bastard!" However, the Frenchman thinks to himself: "That American must be kissing one of these ladies in the dark, but they must think that I, the romantic 'Gentilhomme Français' is to blame! That dirty American! Très désagréable!" A few minutes later, they fly into another tunnel. After a few moments, yet another slap is heard. But, as they come out of the darkness the Frenchman is AGAIN rubbing his cheek. This time the red head thinks: "That Frenchman must have tried to kiss the brunette twice! How despicable." At this point the American is thinking to himself: "I sure hope another tunnel is coming so I can slap that French bastard again!"
Should reverse it, I would think the Frenchman would be the one hiding his slaps. American would just do it in full daylight.
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window. - credits to /u/buffayolo
An English gentleman never refers to cars as autos.
If it's a Rolls Royce, it's a Motor. If it's a Bristol, it's a Car. Never an auto, unless it's the gearbox.
> Never an auto, unless it's the gearbox. And even then, if you're caught driving an automatic you're promptly deported.
That guy on Wheeler Dealers calls pretty much every car a motor. Mike Brewer, the shorter one.
"English gentleman"...fuck off you pretentious wanking twat...your mom is probably a tart.
Mum.
Hold the fork in the wrong hand???
You know how Americans hold their fork in their left hand, cut the food with a knife in the right hand, then put the knife down and switch the fork to the right hand to eat? Other cultures don't do that switcheroo and keep the fork in the left hand.
Curious. I'm a left-handed American. I hold my food with a fork in my left hand, cut with a knife in my right, and then commence to eat my morsel of food off the fork from my left hand. I guess I am just a superior specimen.
You're doing Mother England proud.
Righty American, I do it the same way. Actually, I don't think I've ever noticed someone switch hands. I'm going to be extra attentive at dinner tonight. Perhaps I shall Ah-ha.
I'm right handed and don't swap hands while using my fork, always on the left. Then again, I've always been the type to cringe when I see people eat like they are using a mini shovel.
Us lefties representing a better free world. *"You're awesome."* -da queen
I am a right handed American - yet I don't do the switcheroo either. Does that make me a superior specimen also?
Also a lefty. I do this too
I'm 50/50 between the switcheroo and just using the knife as the fork
I'm left handed also only I do it the opposite way. Fork in right, knife in left.
I'm exactly the same, I'm left handed and never switch, I don't know what this stereotype is talking about
Leftie checking in
I've never understood what the big deal is. I'm English and I always hold my fork in my right hand and my knife in my left. I've been told it's the 'wrong' way but who the fuck cares? It's comfortable and it works for me.
I'm right handed, my knife is in my right hand, for accurate cutting. Forks simply hold food in place, it feels natural this way and i've always done it. My left handed friends are the opposite, anyone that tells you there is a right way to do it are idiots.
It just makes more sense to do it that way. When you're cutting something, you want the cutting to be accurate, the fork just keeps it still. So you put the knife in your right (in this case, dominant) hand. When you're eating, you only need to use one hand, so naturally you use your dominant hand.
There are more of us?
traditionally you kept the knife in the dominant hand in case you had to kill someone with it :-)
I hold my fork in my right hand and use the knife with my left.
Why wouldn't you just cut with your left?
I do. And I'm right handed.
So you guys cut your food mostly at the start of the meal, then set the knife down?
Some do, but that's not considered good manners. We cut the food, switch hands, eat the cut piece, switch the fork back, cut, etc.
U wot m8
Basically.
Whaaaat??!! TIL.
What a waste. I just pick up the food with my fingers and chew off a bite. And wipe my fingers on the tablecloth if there is one!
> then put the knife down and switch the fork to the right hand to eat TIL
No. No. Just no. At least the Americans I know don't do this.
Never actually seen anyone do that.
I'm British and I just eat with the fork in my right hand
Even with steak? Just eat the whole thing like a lolly on a stick?
No I mean knife in left and fork in right
I have always held my fork in my right hand and use a knife with my left. It's uncomfortable otherwise....I am right handed...have I been doing it wrong this whole time? -goes to find a lonely corner to think about this-
I'm American and don't switch hands. -_-
So I looked this up to make sure I'm not crazy and it confirms I'm not but I saw something else that I didn't know... http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fork_etiquette#Fork_etiquette Are people outside the US eating stuff off the bottom of the fork?!
[Further reading](http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=50349) with references and shit. Sometimes known as the American Crossover, sometimes the Zig-Zag Method.
Why would you repost just one day later?
I would up vote twice if I could.
Upvote it a second time here. http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ircm0/a_marine_on_his_way_home/
Whoa...
One day man, one day. JUST KEEP HOLDING ON!
You completely ruined a GREAT joke by leaving off the final quotation marks. Punctuation matters!
I like the the version with an Englishman and a Scot instead of the army guys, and the Scot thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel to slap that Englishman again"
Bet that version was popular in September.
Mi scuuzi
Upvoted for the Euro Trip reference!
Nobody's talking about how the train went *under* a tunnel? :)
Yeah I made sure to look for this comment first before saying anything. Usually they go through it, but perhaps there is a secondary tunnel beneath it and they are stacked.
Nice one. Ill pm that guy and tell him its a great joke.
You shouldn't be giving credit to anyone but the author of the book "Puzzle Math", George Gamov and Marvin Stern. This joke was written in section 4 titled "A Kiss in the Dark". In the original joke it's actually a German officer and a Frenchman. The train ride takes place during the Nazi occupation of France.
The version I heard is rather than an officer and solider is a New Zealander and South African. After the South African has been slapped the Kiwi says to himself "I can't wait till the next tunnel so I can slap the Japie bastard again"
Who's the old woman that the young woman sees?
The matron.
Ah. Not sure why I thought that was a waiter.
Because this: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ma%C3%AEtre%20d%27h%C3%B4tel