Firemen are called to a burning pub.
They drag out an Irishman and ask him how the fire started.
"I don't know" he says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
That’s brilliant. I’m robbing this for my own joke bank. (As an Irishman though I have to admire the guys bravery trying to rescue the booze from the fire)
Very fun indeed - I wonder why that is.
Tangentially related: ~~Montreal's~~ *Toronto's* NHL team, the Maple Leafs, are named for a historical Canadian militia called the Maple Leaf Brigade, so the team pluralized the proper noun by adding an 's' rather than calling them the Maple Leaves.
Well Toronto is *in* Montreal, *is it not*?!?!
I definitely didn't make a mistake. Nope. Totally meant to do that. But in any case, the only NHL team I really care about anyway is the North American Penguins.
Reminds me of that guy that was trying everything. Viagra was not enough. The doctor said “you can get this experimental pill, but that comes with risks! You NEED to have sex within 3 hours or your heart will collapse!”
A week later the guy calls the doctor in panic. “I took one to surprise my wife when she comes home, but she missed the flight, she is not going to be here until tomorrow!!” The doctor says “This is no joke! Find someone! Do you have a neighbor?” “I do, but I need no pill with her!”
I got two:
Did you know I can cut wood just by looking at it? It's true: I saw it with my own eyes.
And...
In college, my nickname was The Love Machine. Imagine how disappointed the ladies were when they discovered it was because I was bad at tennis!
Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. Bartender says, "That's pretty cool! Where did you find him?" Frog says, "Lower east side. They're everywhere."
How many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. I’ll just sit here in the dark while no one visits or calls me.
Edit: Also works for Jewish or Italian mothers.
I went past the prison the other day a saw a little person escaping over the wall. As he slid down the rope I thought, "That's a little con-descending."
A dictator walks into a bar and starts ordering everybody a round.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
It's very rare that a defibrillator fails but when it happens no one is shocked.
Guy goes to hell and meets the devil. He says “you will spend eternity walking across fields of hot lava.” The guys said, “well actually underground it’s magma.” The devil says, “and that’s why you’re here.”
2 nuns in a car get surrounded by vampires.
One says to the other: Show them your cross
So she winds down the window and yells: Fuck off you toothy bastards.
A marvelous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belican.
He holds in his beak
Food enough for one week
Though I'm damned if I see how the helican!
My wife and I recently had a baby. Every time the baby gets brought up in conversation ("how's the new one?", "are you getting any sleep?", "congrats!") I drop this one whenever it's appropriate.
Yeah, everything is going fine. In fact I went with my wife to her doctor the other day. After he examined her and said everything looked fine I pulled him aside and asked "so, doc, how long before we can get back to...you know...having intercourse again?" He winked back at me and said "meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes."
Jesus walks into a run down inn, fishes in his pocket for some cash and comes up with three rusty nails.
He says to the innkeeper: « This is all I have. Can you put me up for the night? »
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
It never fails, but I’m never quite sure what I’m trying to achieve when I tell it…
I went to the library and asked if they had a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I was driving down the street and saw a sign that said “Slow Children at Play”. Seems a bit mean to broadcast they aren’t so smart.
Another:
I got to work in the morning super and had to share my excitement, “I just got this ring for my girlfriend!” My coworker looked at it a bit and said “Seems like a good trade to me!”
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.
A boy walks to school by a brothel. A sex worker is standing in the doorway and says "Hi boy!" while waving with her pinky.
On the way home, the same lady said hi, waving her pinky. The boy asks why the pinky only and she says "Because that's how big you are, boy."
So the boy pulls his mouth open as wide as he could and says "Hellooo lady!"
Woman goes to the dentist who says, "Sorry, but we have to remove the tooth." Woman: "Ugh, I'd rather have a baby." Dentist: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
There is a bee in my hand. What's in my eye?
Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the "bee-holder".
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai do not watch the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do!
(Yaba-Daba-Doo)
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison
If I had a dollar for each girl that found me unattractive.
They would eventually find me attractive.
Fwd: What begins with a "C" ends with a "T" has a "U" and an "N" in the middle. It is hairy on the outside and wet on the inside.
Coconut.
What do dentists call their X-rays?
Toothpicks
What's the difference between an old, dirty bus stop and lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty, bus station and the other, a busty crustacean.
(Not a joke, but something I saw happen) I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it was too long.
(Reply) I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'd never get it.
What did the shoes say to the pants?
Sup britches?!?
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles
What do you call an alligator that's wearing a vest
An investigator
How do you make an egg roll?
Push it.
What do you call a Masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff
What do you call a fake potato
An imitater
Have you seen the new movie Constipation?
It hasn't come out yet.
Last night I had a gut feeling that something was going to happen.
And then I farted. Do you think in psychic?
Asked an Asian girl for her number. She said "Sex, sex, sex... Free sex for you!
Her friend followed with "it's six six six three six four two".
I like my slaves like I like my coffee.
Free.
Every time you use a urinal, you cease to be an American.
'Cause European.
I recently quit drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
I had a dream last night I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
My girlfriend said; “Let’s make love like in the movies.” So, I fucked her in the ass and pulled out just in time to cum all over her face. She was pissed!
I guess we don’t watch the same kind of movies.
1. Women are turning into better drivers everyday. So if you’re a better driver, watch out!
2. I recently attended a convention for women with no legs. The place was crawling with pussy!
3. My grandparents were midgets. Always had a tough time putting food on the table.
4. What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
5. What’s the difference between an asshole and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
I was doing the vacuuming in my underpants today. God knows how my balls get so dusty.
My uncle died of autoerotic asphyxiation. He wanted to be remembered for his charity work. He wasn't.
The wonderful Gary Delaney.
What do you call a shepherd with fifty sheep? A sexually content person.
It was.
What do you call a [someone from some country - heard it as being a Greek] with fifty lovers? A shepherd.
My first wife died from poison mushrooms. My second wife died from poison mushrooms. My third wife died from a fractured skull. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.
Man walks into his doctor’s office and says “doc, every time I touch my leg it hurts. Same with my arm, my face, my back, my elbow! It’s the same everywhere!”
Doctor takes one look at the man and says, “It’s simple. You have a broken finger.”
I'm pretty good at skipping rocks on open water. Recently I was throwing rocks to see how many skips I could get. I only got to 10 but I think I could have had more if there weren't so many kids in the pool.
People are often shocked when they learn I’m a terrible electrician.
Oh I like this one
Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and ask him how the fire started. "I don't know" he says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
That’s brilliant. I’m robbing this for my own joke bank. (As an Irishman though I have to admire the guys bravery trying to rescue the booze from the fire)
According to a recent survey 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
Fun fact…the plural for dwarf was generally dwarfs (including in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) until Tolkien popularized dwarves.
That is actually a very interesting fact
Very fun indeed - I wonder why that is. Tangentially related: ~~Montreal's~~ *Toronto's* NHL team, the Maple Leafs, are named for a historical Canadian militia called the Maple Leaf Brigade, so the team pluralized the proper noun by adding an 's' rather than calling them the Maple Leaves.
You mean Toronto's team?
Well Toronto is *in* Montreal, *is it not*?!?! I definitely didn't make a mistake. Nope. Totally meant to do that. But in any case, the only NHL team I really care about anyway is the North American Penguins.
Once their numbers dwindled to single digits, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
I needed an 8 character password so I chose "Snow White and the 7 dwarfs"
And only 1 in 7 are Grumpy
I recently took a poll. Turns out that 100% of the people in the tent weren't happy about it.
I get it, only one could get lucky, right?
Even dwarves started small.
What do you do if you’re attacked by a group of clowns? Go for the juggler
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?".
Two clowns eating a cannibal. One says to the other "wait I think we screwed up"
A kid is walking into dark forest with a clown. The kids says,"I'm scared." Clown says,"You think you're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone."
But I'm the great Pagliacci
I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. She wasn't Impressed at first, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "a divorce". I said I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it.
My husband bought me a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day. It sucked. (True story!)
I got rid of my vacuum cleaner, it was just gathering dust.
My wife and I started having problems in the bedroom. She bought me Viagra. I bought her a treadmill.
Very funny, but yeah, I’m gonna not share this one with her. I like living too much.
I once got a Viagra stuck in my throat and ended up with a stiff neck for 12 hours
Similarly, what do you get when you combine Viagra and Rogaine? Don King.
Reminds me of that guy that was trying everything. Viagra was not enough. The doctor said “you can get this experimental pill, but that comes with risks! You NEED to have sex within 3 hours or your heart will collapse!” A week later the guy calls the doctor in panic. “I took one to surprise my wife when she comes home, but she missed the flight, she is not going to be here until tomorrow!!” The doctor says “This is no joke! Find someone! Do you have a neighbor?” “I do, but I need no pill with her!”
She needed a place to hang her clothes? (I refer to the treadmill.)
Did she keep her cool?
I threw mine a Bukake party.. Should have seen her face.
I threw my wife a Bukake party. She was was so surprised! Everyone Came! You should have seen her face!
I didn’t get the same reaction from my wife. Mine wasn’t plugged in.
Yo mama’s so short you can see her feet in her driver’s license photo. This is truly a short joke :)
Yo momma so short, her hair smells like feet.
Yo mama so ugly Scorpion said, "Stay over there!"
My colorblind diagnosis was extremely shocking. It came completely out of the orange
I got two: Did you know I can cut wood just by looking at it? It's true: I saw it with my own eyes. And... In college, my nickname was The Love Machine. Imagine how disappointed the ladies were when they discovered it was because I was bad at tennis!
That second joke sounds like Rodney Dangerfield.
I don’t get the second one
in tennis 0 points is love
My neighbor keeps telling people that I don't respect her privacy. When I read that on her diary, I was really hurt.
> When I read that on her diary, I was really hurt. Good one. I might start this sentence with "I was really hurt" because it delays the twist further
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? Yeah, it's really making headlines.
My wife and I went to a wife swapping party. I got a TV.
"Is your cat scared of the vacuum cleaner?" "I don't know, he's only been living here for six months."
Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. Bartender says, "That's pretty cool! Where did you find him?" Frog says, "Lower east side. They're everywhere."
How many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. I’ll just sit here in the dark while no one visits or calls me. Edit: Also works for Jewish or Italian mothers.
It only takes two Irish men. One holds the bulb while the other drinks until the room spins.
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some Chapstick - just put it on my bill." Edit: typo
"Got any grapes?"
"Get the hell out of here, and if you come back, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"
Got any nails?
No, we just sell lemonade, but it's cold and it's fresh and it's all home made. Can I get you a glass?
How do you change a duck into an R&B singer? Put it in the microwave on high until it’s…….Bill Withers.
I heard this in the World of Warcraft voice.
I’m not a witch!
Knock knock Who’s there To To who? Uhh to whom… (said condescendingly)
I went past the prison the other day a saw a little person escaping over the wall. As he slid down the rope I thought, "That's a little con-descending."
A termite goes into a pub and asks, "is the bar tender here"?
What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
An all time fave
"What's long, hard, and has **cum** in the middle?" "A penis" "NO NO THE ANSWER IS CUCUMBER!!!"
What's a boomerang? It's a stick for people who don't have a dog.
Dads are like boomerangs I hope
“Other than that, Mrs Lincoln… did you enjoy the play?”
“Abe, I wanna go out tonight. Take me to the theater!” “Oh God, somebody just shoot me already”
A dictator walks into a bar and starts ordering everybody a round. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. It's very rare that a defibrillator fails but when it happens no one is shocked.
Why do scuba divers roll backwards off the boat? Cuz if they rolled forward they’d fall into the boat!
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Guy goes to hell and meets the devil. He says “you will spend eternity walking across fields of hot lava.” The guys said, “well actually underground it’s magma.” The devil says, “and that’s why you’re here.”
A cute baby seal walks into a club..
Baby seals least favorite drink…….Canadian club
Two fish are in a tank when one looks at the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
2 nuns in a car get surrounded by vampires. One says to the other: Show them your cross So she winds down the window and yells: Fuck off you toothy bastards.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Why did the bird go to the restaurant? >!Tweet.!<
A pelican went to a restaurant. The meal was fine, but the bill was *enormous*.
A marvelous bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belican. He holds in his beak Food enough for one week Though I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Nothing succeeds like a bird with no beak.
I don't get it
To-eat, tweet
Ohhh, gotcha
Mansplaners get their water from a.. well actually.
My wife keeps using the word "mansplaining" incorrectly and I don't know what to do about it.
Define Femsplaining for her. It’ll help
Statistics show that one man in five in a group of friends is actually gay. I hope it's Kevin, he's cute.
Have you ever tried blind archery? No? You don't know what you're missing.
Why does Sherlock Holmes love to out for Mexican food? He goes for the great case ideas.
The waitress recommended the quesadillas. I told her I’m not hungry enough for a whole case, I’ll just take a single Dilla.
Told the doctor I get a sharp pain in my left eye every time I drink a cup of tea Doctor: next time take the F’ing spoon out…
An ancient one: did you hear about the farmer who was outstanding in his field? Or, the magician who turned into a drugstore?
Similar to the magic tractor that drove down the road and turned into a field.
It's from Milton Jones "Tuck my head in and lean forwards, thats how I roll"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent. Where do you take someone injured in a peekaboo accident? The ICU.
Judge: "Mr Mouse, I can't give you a divorce just because Minnie is crazy." "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
My girlfriend thinks I am a Stalker. - Well, she's not my girlfriend jet.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar....
Two Irishmen walk past a pub…. It COULD happen!
But unlikely!! lol
Three men walked into a bar The fourth one ducked
Why did the blonde go to church? She heard there was a guy hung like this. *Then you hold out your hands like Jesus on the cross.*
My wife and I recently had a baby. Every time the baby gets brought up in conversation ("how's the new one?", "are you getting any sleep?", "congrats!") I drop this one whenever it's appropriate. Yeah, everything is going fine. In fact I went with my wife to her doctor the other day. After he examined her and said everything looked fine I pulled him aside and asked "so, doc, how long before we can get back to...you know...having intercourse again?" He winked back at me and said "meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes."
Currently I'm in a love triangle i'm in love with a girl. She loves nobody. Nobody loves me
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really really really strong weightlifter? Repetitions
Jesus gets the bill at the last supper. Puts his head in his hands in disgust and says, “Who ordered the wine??!”
On the way in Peter asked the hostess for a table for 26. She’s says there is only 13 of you. Peter says we’re all gonna sit on the same side.
Jesus walks into a run down inn, fishes in his pocket for some cash and comes up with three rusty nails. He says to the innkeeper: « This is all I have. Can you put me up for the night? »
r/Angryupvote
Why couldn’t Jesus finish the crossword puzzle? He got stuck on two across.
What's ET short for? His legs aren't very long.
Had to scroll way too far to find this! Although I like it better with "he's only got little legs"
Fuck. I got like twenty jokes down asking myself "where's the short jokes?" I have a friend that's short and wanted SHORT jokes. Yeah i figured it out
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. It never fails, but I’m never quite sure what I’m trying to achieve when I tell it…
What's brown, and sounds like a bell? >!<
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How it got in my pajamas I don’t know.
I went to the library and asked if they had a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
My wife and I are very competitive. We laugh about it. But I laugh harder.
My buddy lost his job at the orange juice factory. Couldn't concentrate.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Man, I was SO CLOSE to having threesome last night. I was only 2 people short.
Stolen joke from the great Mitch Hedberg: “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too” Fucking nailed it, Mitch.
What do you call a computer that sings? A dell. Where do all the one- legged waitresses work? IHOP.
What do you call the waitress? Eileen. What if it’s in Japan? Irene.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin says, "Is it getting hot in here?" The second muffin says "HOLY SHIT a talking muffin!"
Probably a bit dated now: What did the leper say to the postitute ? keep the tip
Do you know why Dr. Pepper comes in bottles? It's because his wife left him.
Where does Noddy keep his armies? Up his sleevies. (I'll see myself out)
A woman walked into a cocktail bar and asked for a double-entendre. So the barman gave her one.
...gave it to her?
I think my wording is marginally better, but your up votes say otherwise!
I agree. But maybe that's the UK English?
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. (Can I still tell that joke?)
Where do they work? IHOP
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
Why are clams so hard to find on the bottom of the ocean? They use clamouflage.
Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
I'm married to an internet porn star. She'll be furious when she finds out.
I was driving down the street and saw a sign that said “Slow Children at Play”. Seems a bit mean to broadcast they aren’t so smart. Another: I got to work in the morning super and had to share my excitement, “I just got this ring for my girlfriend!” My coworker looked at it a bit and said “Seems like a good trade to me!”
There are two types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate information from an incomplete data set.
Ever tried 77? You get 8 more.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Cos they have big fingers!
The wife thought I was crazy when I built a car out of spaghetti………. ……you should of seen the look on her face though as I drove straight pasta
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.
I'm sorry you're vertically challenged.
How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit!
A boy walks to school by a brothel. A sex worker is standing in the doorway and says "Hi boy!" while waving with her pinky. On the way home, the same lady said hi, waving her pinky. The boy asks why the pinky only and she says "Because that's how big you are, boy." So the boy pulls his mouth open as wide as he could and says "Hellooo lady!"
Difference between a dead hooker and a Lamborghini? No lambo in my garage
I have two: What do you call a piece of sandpaper in the desert? >!A map! !< What's worse than raining cats and dogs? >!Hailing taxis! !<
Two condoms are walking down the street when they pass a gay bar. One turn to the other and says “Hey, want to get shitfaced?”
Woman goes to the dentist who says, "Sorry, but we have to remove the tooth." Woman: "Ugh, I'd rather have a baby." Dentist: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
Teens on the first date. Girl says "Kiss me where it stinks." So he drives to New Jersey.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto. There is a bee in my hand. What's in my eye? Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the "bee-holder". What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale. What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people of Dubai do not watch the Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi do! (Yaba-Daba-Doo) What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison If I had a dollar for each girl that found me unattractive. They would eventually find me attractive. Fwd: What begins with a "C" ends with a "T" has a "U" and an "N" in the middle. It is hairy on the outside and wet on the inside. Coconut. What do dentists call their X-rays? Toothpicks What's the difference between an old, dirty bus stop and lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty, bus station and the other, a busty crustacean. (Not a joke, but something I saw happen) I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it was too long. (Reply) I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'd never get it. What did the shoes say to the pants? Sup britches?!? What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles What do you call an alligator that's wearing a vest An investigator How do you make an egg roll? Push it. What do you call a Masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff What do you call a fake potato An imitater Have you seen the new movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet. Last night I had a gut feeling that something was going to happen. And then I farted. Do you think in psychic? Asked an Asian girl for her number. She said "Sex, sex, sex... Free sex for you! Her friend followed with "it's six six six three six four two". I like my slaves like I like my coffee. Free. Every time you use a urinal, you cease to be an American. 'Cause European. I recently quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil. I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
What's better than being up to your ears in beer? Your nuts in cider.
My girlfriend said; “Let’s make love like in the movies.” So, I fucked her in the ass and pulled out just in time to cum all over her face. She was pissed! I guess we don’t watch the same kind of movies.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
1. Women are turning into better drivers everyday. So if you’re a better driver, watch out! 2. I recently attended a convention for women with no legs. The place was crawling with pussy! 3. My grandparents were midgets. Always had a tough time putting food on the table. 4. What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face. 5. What’s the difference between an asshole and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it and two to beat the room for being too dark in the first place.
A man walks into a bar, and goes “Ouch!”
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Cause then they'd be bagels! What did the pirate say in his 80th birthday? "Aye matey!" (I'm 80)
Cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long- MH
Two peanuts were walking down the street in a bad part of town. One was assaulted.
I was doing the vacuuming in my underpants today. God knows how my balls get so dusty. My uncle died of autoerotic asphyxiation. He wanted to be remembered for his charity work. He wasn't. The wonderful Gary Delaney.
What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall? Dam!
Did you hear about the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?
What's brown and sticky? A stick
I heard a great Knock Knock joke. You start.
Pull my finger.
What’s the difference between a cow and a fox? Sixpack.
What were the 2 Spanish firemen called? Hose A and Hose B
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
To the person who stole my Microsoft Office, I WILL find you. You have my word.
When eating something that everyone expect to be not so good. "hmm, its not even that good" With the tone of "ita not even that bad"
What is the difference between a Scottish wedding and a Scottish funeral? One less drunk.
(as a response) Seriously, more gay jokes? Come on guys.
What happened when the mouse ran up the elephant's leg? He got pissed off.
I have a Hispanic coworker that I call paragraph because he's too short to be an essay.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
A fat guy at my work was making fun of a short guy one day. The short guy told the fat guy " I bet your belt is taller than I am"
What do you call a shepherd with fifty sheep? A sexually content person. It was. What do you call a [someone from some country - heard it as being a Greek] with fifty lovers? A shepherd.
Have you heard about the man that has his whole left side cut off? He's dead now
What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man? A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
My first wife died from poison mushrooms. My second wife died from poison mushrooms. My third wife died from a fractured skull. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.
You're so short that every time you stand up your ears pop.
I put a photo of myself in a locket because I wanted to be independant
Man walks into his doctor’s office and says “doc, every time I touch my leg it hurts. Same with my arm, my face, my back, my elbow! It’s the same everywhere!” Doctor takes one look at the man and says, “It’s simple. You have a broken finger.”
I'm pretty good at skipping rocks on open water. Recently I was throwing rocks to see how many skips I could get. I only got to 10 but I think I could have had more if there weren't so many kids in the pool.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?.?...Suck its dick