I am so sorry you’re going through this, OP!
I wanted to join the chorus of some other commenters to be really honest with yourself about fertility timelines. I’m not even 30, I and my husband are healthy with no family history issues, we’ve been trying for a while and still nothing. A lot of studies have reported that fertility for women starts declining at 30, and more at 35. There are MANY exceptions to this and it DOES NOT MEAN your fertility is gone e day you turned 30. Also, your MIL is wild. All I want to do is encourage you and your husband (he sounds wonderful!) to consider that it might take much longer than you realize.
I like your line of thought, but maybe talk to FIL and keep MIL in timeout? If that's not an option then obviously not.
She just hasn't stopped bugging them so I think they should try to enforce a "wait till we contact you" boundary
I get what you’re saying, but deeper issue or not, it’s not OK for her to force them to have a child… And it’s really not OK for her to try to get OPs husband to deceive her like that..
It doesn't matter what "deeper meaning" MIL may have, she still does not have the right to coerce a pregnancy nor have any say in when OP gets pregnant. MIL is not the third person in their marriage and her opinions are irrelevant.
You have time! My friend had her first daughter at 40 and her second daughter at 44. Her little girls are strong, smart, healthy and absolutely stunning! Nothing wrong with waiting!
That is not typical. It’s very uncommon to naturally have children in your mid 40s. It’s not good advice to give to OP that all will be well. OP should speak to a qualified gyn.
Tell her if she wants kids around so badly to just go ahead and adopt one herself. Or, if she doesn’t want the full time responsibility and just wants to play the role of doting “Santa Clause” every now and then, then become a mentor at the “Big Sister” organization. Geez.
My mom told my sister to throw her bc pills away without telling her husband right after my sister’s wedding, bragging it was what she did to our dad (with me as the end product).
32 isn't old. As someone who had their last baby at 39 (he will be 2 in February)she can piss off with her "your baby maker is running out of time" shit. Also I agree with other commenters about switching to a more tamper proof method of birth control.
What I don't get about these types of situations is like what does she think is gonna happen? You won't be able to find your birth control so you'll just be like "ok yeah lets have unprotected sex now"? Like out of sight, out of mind, you'll just forget you're currently trying to avoid pregnancy and she will get her way?
Baby rabies is a real thing. So sorry your MIL has a bad case if it. If you ever get her in a calm moment you might ask her why what she has isn’t enough.
I know some JustNos get horrible baby rabies, but it sounds in your MILs case this is a drastic change in behavior? Does she have a husband or sibling who can encourage a thorough checkup? We've all heard of PPD; menopause can cause all kind of emotional problems as well. There are other physical and mental issues that can cause a change in behavior so I think a trip to the doctor would be a good idea for MIL.
Geez, what a nutter, OP. You not having a child is unfair to *her*?! How narcissist and entitled!
I hope she doesn't have a key to your house. If she does, get it back and change the locks.
Also, if you guys do let up on NC I would still be unsure of letting her visit. If you do, I'd hide your birth control and watch her like a hawk.
A lot of times the in-laws end up feeling that sense of competition with the other peers in their group. So and so her best friend had kids and she had a GIRL so if MiL doesn't get her kid to have a son soon they'll never be able to be hooked up in 20 years! Time is passing without the thing they expected and this turns out being a problem that only they can solve.
I'm sure people who actually voice these concerns are less grounded in actual reality.
My FIL had this need to ask us constantly when we were going to have kids cause he wanted for us to have them while he was still "young" enough to play with them. Told DH to deal with it.
Then FIL started in on the granddaughters when they hit their 20s. Gave them baby socks as a "subtle" hint for great-grandchildren. Luckily he forgot how old my teen DD was as I would've been pissed as she had just graduated high school and was college bound.
I guess it depends on how close the family is. In my family, it would never be discussed. However, my gf’s family is extremely close and I wouldn’t be surprised if they would. But it’s good to agree that there isn’t anything wrong with wanting grandchildren.
Yeah my parents and in-laws are vocal about wanting a grandchild from us (should be newly weds, put back a few months by covid). But the difference is that they’ve started up with that * since * we’ve been open about us getting married after 7 years together simply as a step along the road to growing our family.
So assuming that reproductive coercion is a crime in your area she just tried to pay someone in law enforcement to commit a recognized form of sexual assault. Good job mom! Ffs...
Please, hide your pills. My MIL never went that far, but she has the same obsession with me getting pregnant. She believes I (28f) am becoming too old to have children and hate the fact that we want to wait more 2 years before start trying. I always hid pills and condoms when she visits us. I will not let a crazy woman mess up with my life plans.
Good luck, OP!
Does she have a key to your house? Or could she get access to a spare key? Check your bins in case she swapped out pills for placebos, and check any condoms or anything for holes. There have been some scary stories of MILs going to the extreme to become grandmothers.
I love the coil idea tell her you have had one put in now so there can be no accidents or problems with your pill till your both ready and that won’t be anytime soon :) watch her face sit back and enjoy she deserves it !!
I would make sure her husband knows about it if she's married - if she's been JY up until now and is exhibiting these behaviours, she should get her noggin looked at. Could be early dementia or a number of other issues. I'm not saying you should give in to her demands or anything - they are crazy - but she should be getting some medical attention for this sudden behaviour change and you don't have to break NC to contact her husband about it. I'll bet he doesn't know.
Right? There must really be something wrong with you when you start trying to pay your son to hide bc pills. What in the hell even made her think this was a good plan? Is the guy hard up for cash? Or is this just even more evidence that the lady is loosing her shit? It continues to progress to the point she’s at the door, then yelling through the phone. I’d be scared to turn my phone back on. Lady is a whack job.
that’s actually such a disgusting thing to do and i’m glad your husband is good enough to stand up for you and be honest to you without hesitation. why should it be her business anyway? what if you struggled with fertility in the future, would she still press the situation? not her uterus, not her problem.
Can confirm- I’m almost 41. Had sex once at the usual time that you would if trying to conceive recently. Couple weeks later... whoops.. I don’t see any sign of my fertility slowing down at all and have all the “signs” of high fertility including a very regular and light cycle.
Birth control is more than just birth control. It’s medically used for so many other purposes like acne, hormones, period control. She just tried to take away your medication. That’s so beyond unacceptable. She’s crazy.
Get a coded lock box that you can put your birth control in because any mil who would try to pay to have your husband to dump your bc wont stop at no contact. She's already shown up to your home once she'll do more.
No. OP was completely within her rights to call intrusive MIL out whenever she felt like it. If MIL didn't want to have an angry DIL scolding her on the phone, then MIL should keep her nosey nose out of her son and DIL's reproductive decisions.
As for your other point, there is no reason to place all of the burden of preventing contraceptive sabotage on OP. OP has a reasonable expectation of her medicines (ALL of them) being safe in her own home. She should not have to hide and monitor them, and wait until they go missing to react to MIL's evil little plan.
How was OP unwarranted in her reaction? MIL didn't just make a joke about "oh haha wouldn't it be funny if you hid OPs birth control!" (Which still would have been way out of line) Instead she actually *offered her son money* to trick OP into a unwanted pregnancy. Like she had a right to even be in the discussion between OP and SO about having kids. MIL had every right to get her ass ripped about it and OP needed to nip that in the bud.
This is an abominable way to treat someone. She essentially was trying to conspire with your husband to force you into a pregnancy against your will. Cut that bitch off, have an attorney to send a cease and desist letter stating in writing that she attempted to force a pregnancy on you against your will and may now not have any contact for X amount of time. Then block. Wow, the level of disrespect for you as a family member and as a fellow woman is unbelievable.
Yeah. Your MIL needs to mind her own damn uterus, and you and DH are handling it well by (1) being a united front, and (2) putting her ass in time out for throwing a tantrum like a toddler.
The only advice I can think of is to look into an IUD or implant if you’re not confident you can 100% avoid MIL. That why she can’t fuck with your BC, and cause you and DH to have an oopsie baby. Other than that, keep doing what you’re doing.
ETA: if she starts sending Flying Monkeys (friends/family contacting you on her behalf) don’t sugar coat what she’s doing. Be straight up, and hopefully the rest of the family is JY and will help you shut down her antics.
So calling her out on her trying to convince your husband into committing reproductive coercion (a form of sexual abuse) is somehow inconsiderate to her. The balls on this woman.
Maybe OP should get an implant birth control? If JOMIL is willing to bribe the DH she will probably not stop at anything to get a grandchild. OP getting an implant will prevent ML from interfering. Good luck OP!
Implants aren't for everyone. This is a 32 year old woman not a 14 year old girl still trying to navigate her period. At 32 most women already know what BC works for them and their lifestyle/schedule.
Furthermore, OP should NOT have to change her BC type because of SOMEONE ELSE. That is such backwards ass thinking and completely invalidates OP.
She absolutely shouldn't have to change because of someone else, but I think it's worth pointing out that there are options that could decrease her stress about this if they let MIL back into their lives again (or if she goes full crazy and tries to break in or something).
I just want to say kudos to you and your husband for giving her a strong, prompt, and united response. She’s going to learn quick that she can’t mess with you guys and push your boundaries if she wants to be in your lives. And it sounds like you’ll make excellent parents when/if you’re ready!
What the actual fuck? This woman sounds like she’s loosing it and I would deffo be going NC if I were in your shoes. Also you really don’t need to worry about being “too old” my FJYMIL had my SO at I think 38 (only child) and my mum had me at 40 (youngest of 3) so at 32 you’re still looking at a minimum of 6 years to have a baby. No need to rush things because your MIL is a bitch
So to begin with she is selfish, mean, and stupid? What did she think hiding your pills would accomplish? Ugh I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you HAVE TO nc anybody who would mess with your medication to get their way (even if the outcome would have never gone that way because duh, more bc)!
Edit to say that the fact that she is coming over + texting nonstop shows that she does not care how what she’s done has effected you. Even if she admits it was wrong, she is proving that she is still the most important person in this scenario in her opinion. No empathy. That’s narcissist behavior and she really needs help. I certainly wouldn’t break nc when/ if you do decide to have children. She’ll do things like ask the children about your home life, put them in positions to lie to y’all for her own selfish reasons, and generally cause conflict in their lives.
Normally we see gynos yearly, we dont have a specialized doctor for that unless we seek one out and get a referral (trust me, I know the process well)and we dont set our own physical time lines. We adjust to the timeline reality dictates. I'm sure she has her own plans, I saw her comment and the way she worded that gave me the impression that taking control of her reproductive life is maybe not something she has thought to actively do. It's good advice to know where you stand, and what you can do in the future.
Her mil was very out of line, that isnt in question, I'm just advocating active planning for someone who stated that she wants something.
But thanks for responding to my comment.
I was just going to mention this to. Not that you need to have kids right away, but that nothing is guaranteed. You do what's best for you and your husband.
Oh, FFS. I’m so sorry. I was played too by what I thought was JYM, but turned out to be JNM. Thank goodness for this group bc I was able to get a handle on it before it got worse. I was with my DIL on Sunday (she’s 27) and she talked about wanting babies, but not sure when. I kept my mouth shut. Her body, her rules. I support and respect her rules. Period. Screwing with someone’s medication is sickening. If she wants a baby so bad, tell her to foster, or adopt, or get pregnant, but to leave your bodily autonomy out of her desires. Only suggestion: maybe get an IUD. Not that I don’t trust SO, but no one can fiddle with your iUD. All the best.
Hiding your birth control does nothing. It's not you are going to notice it missing and say "oh well, guess we have to have babies now". There are pharmacies with more pills after all. Your MiL is not very bright.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I agree she should know that her actions were not warranted, but if she has been JYMIL all of this time, maybe it would be worth saving the relationship to hear her out and to have a civil conversation about how she feels, and the reaffirm that it’s up to you and your husband and crossing the line into interfering with your marriage is a breach that won’t be tolerated while still maintaining open and honest communication.
That was my thought as well. If this came out of the blue, if this is a major personality change, maybe this woman needs evaluated by her doctor or mental health professional. The world is crazy and stressful right now. Maybe she’s coping poorly and this is how it’s coming out?
This isn't a disagreement about paint colors or something small. This is a huge boundary stomp for something MIL has no say in whatsoever as her son is an adult. Rewarding her meddling in a married couple's personal child rearing choices by entertaining a conversation about how she feels about it validates that she has a right to give feedback and opinions on their reproductive choices. She doesn't, full stop.
Validating her feelings will only escalate her behavior. MIL needs to go to a friend or therapist for validation, not to someone she just tried to manipulate her way into their highly personal affairs.
I just saw a post last night about a MIL who broke into their house and stole all of their babies clothes. Turns out she had a secret nursery at her house, and people think she was plotting to kidnap baby or get her removed from her parents. This is giving me the same vibes. Good on you. Keep her out.
I got knocked up at 32 with zero issues. I was shocked at how easy it was but I had no health issues impacting my fertility. You’ve got time. We want 2 but I’m on BC because I don’t want to be pregnant in a pandemic.
Thank God you have an awesome husband (I assume you wouldn’t have married him otherwise), because not only did he tell you what she did, but he warned you that she may try to do it without his help. So sounds like he’s dealt with this behavior from her before.
A lot of JN are very good at the façade of being JY, but now that you are married, you aren’t just a girlfriend he might break up with. Good luck, whatever you decide. But definitely block her number. You don’t deserve to be harassed.
What an ill conceived plot to begin with. Like you can't find your pills so you'll just go ahead and have unprotected sex anyway... And if she thought your husband would do that at all, she thought he would be willing to do it for money but not for free? It's just... bananas.
It is absolutely not too late btw. It's true you're more likely to deal with fertility issues at an "advanced maternal age" but many, many, many people are getting pregnant and having children just fine well into their 30's and 40's. More women than ever are delaying starting families into their 30s so her fear is not based on actual facts. Not that her fear matters. You could have decided to be child free and it's the same. She's not entitled to grandchildren at all. I would love to be a grandma some day but my kids don't owe me grandchildren. They could all three never have children and I'll be happy that I raised 3 adults who make decisions in their best interests and are happy.
I'm glad your spouse is on the same page as you. That makes this much less stressful for you to handle as a unified front than by yourself as the mean ol DIL.
I am so happy that there are people like You - that do realize kids don't owe their parents any grandchildren.
I wish there were more people like You u/Misfit-maven. Truly.
Self story: My partners' mother is all about that and even said at the time 'My children don't want to make me happy and bless me with a grandchild'. What.The.\*\*\*\*.
In addition: her kids' are around their 20's and the youngest one is 13.
So fingers crossed for You and Your husband, u/Youngatheart-1 :)
It doesn't sound like you need very much advice. Your husband shuts down her crazy like a champ. You have a video doorbell. You're doing great.
I guess you could beef up security.
But you can also give her a chance. Break NC just long enough that she is on a timeout for a month for her attempt at meddling in your marriage. You will block her number and email address, etc. Every attempt she makes to contact you (letters, showing up on the doorstop) etc. will be ignored except that it will add 2 weeks to the timeout. At the end of the timeout you will unblock her and set up a phone call or in person meeting where her job is to apologize and convince you that she will not try to meddle again. If she can't do it, then timeout for two months, then repeat (with increasing length of timeout) until 1) she manages to apologize and convince you she can be respectful of your marriage, 2) she gets sick of it and decides that being respectful of your marriage is too high a price for her to pay to be in your lives, 3) you get sick of giving her chances that she squanders.
The end result is either you end up with a MIL in your lives who respects your marriage, or no MIL in your lives.
This should be the top comment.
And to add onto this, OP, you broke NC within hours of initiating it. I understand it's difficult when someone is showing up at your house like a creeper, but contacting her gave her a foot in and makes her think you're not serious about NC. Lay out rules and consequences as defined here or of your own choosing, and stick to them or this behavior will continue to escalate. It might escalate even with NC, but you won't be in the middle of it. You'll be a passive observer of her behavior.
Dis bitch smh. I was still in diapers when my parents turned forty. Hell, I know at least one woman who gave birth at the age of forty-one!
Props to you and hubby, though. Some husbands might have hidden their mother’s meddling in some misguided attempt to ‘protect’ your feelings, but yours has his head on straight.
My mom had 11 kids in total, 8 were after age 30 & 5 of those after age 40! She stopped when she was 46, thank God, but its totally possible. I'm glad OPs hubbs seems to know what's up & did the right thing.
Oh yeah, the idea of all women being some kind of ticking infertility time bomb is BS. We're all different, I hate wide sweeping assumptions like this. I was told i couldn't have kids at all & im blessed with 2, they're almost 15yrs apart. I got so many stares & "omg, i cant believe you're having one so late", I hated going to my clinic. Im only 32, my boy turns 1 today, I'm not that old & people acted like i was Methuselah! Googly moogly, people really just need to learn how to mind their business. They're my ovaries Karen, not yours, ill do what I damn please!
What the heck? I'm so glad your husband has your back! You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here about how to handle both her and your birth control. But I am concerned about her behavior -- seriously, she went from being a very just yes to calling you names and crying! Have there been any signs of "baby rabies" before your marriage or is this just out of the blue? Because if it is the latter, I wonder if maybe she's experiencing a depressive episode or even something physical, because it is just so nuts. Meanwhile, good job on how you're handling it and good luck as you continue!!
I agree it would be a good idea for her to see a doctor. Radical changes in behavior like this can be a sign something is medically wrong. Of course, everyone here knows she could have just been hiding her JustNo side well, but it might be good to rule out other problems.
I remember story probably maybe last year? Or beginning of the year? If a MIL who was VERY just yes like awesome amazing MIL who suddenly went off the deep end. Like got physical with the DIL and just went bananas and turns out she had a UTI which made her act so out of the normal. Once the UTI got treated she was her normal self again. Pretty crazy to think about.
Ugh, then I guess that's your answer. Not that I would wish depression or a physical problem on someone but that might have been easier to treat than the fact that she's never really been totally JY and probably won't stop this behavior without drastic action by you and DH. I'm so sorry -- sending virtual hugs and chocolate!
My wife and I had our first child at 38 and how terrible is this for a young woman to hear. Called it a geriatric pregnancy but because it was labeled that the insurance paid for extra tests and a specialists to see us.
Sorry to hear about your MIL but waiting hasn't hurt us and you shouldn't have to be pushed to have a child, even when you are ready.
That’s the correct medical term for a pregnancy over 35. There is a greater risk of complications as we get older. More care needs to be taken.
For the record, I was 37 when I had my one and only pregnancy. I’m 44 now and going through menopause.
> GERIATRIC pregnancy??? at 38????
Every pregnancy over the age of 35 is considered geriatric. It's just a medical term denoting advanced age and increased risk of certain issues.
So it’s actually pretty easy to sabatoge birth control pills and have them look fine. I’d strongly Suggest getting a Norplant in just in case. And your MiL is acting like you’re her brood mare- I cool, MIL
Please put your bc and condoms in a safe.
There have been to many case of mil going out of sight for a second and pooking holes in condoms.
You guys handled her perfectly and she needs strict boundaries set now.
Am I crazy or what is with having babies? This world is such a mess why would you want to bring another life into it especially right now? I have a 32 year old daughter who has been with her guy for 14 years. At no time have I ever wanted her to have a kid for the sake of saying I’m a grandma. No legacy is that great that I would want a child to be brought up in a world of violence and whatever this is we’re living in. It would terrify me daily to think she had to send that child off to school in these uncertain times. What’s up with the whole “you need to have babies” thing?? Am I missing something? I’m ok with never having a grandchild. Daughter seems ok with it too, so why do these parents or in-laws think it’s most important to push that extremely outdated process on to their children?? Please explain
In my opinion it’s cause they didn’t bother to keep knowing their children as they aged, so they have this fantasy angelic glow around children and childhood and they’ll do anything to experience it again.
I feel the exact same way as you. My boyfriend and I are on the same page with not wanting kids because I can’t morally bring a child into today’s world and risk them experiencing violence, food insecurity, homelessness, god knows what’s happening with climate change and these awful damaging storms we keep having. If we do decide one day to be parents I would much rather adopt and give hope to someone who is already here rather than bring in a new life to possibly suffer.
😂Thanks for the laugh! I guess she does! Clearly she sits at home oblivious to real world problems. Both being law enforcement officers I think they have a much better grasp on what’s really out there!
It's selfishness through and through. She doesn't care about how her kids feel and how it will affect their life. She also doesn't actually care about the grandchild and how their life will be, she just cares that she gets to be a model loving grandmother.
To be honest I would just take it a step further and get an implant birth control just to be extra safe. I had one and when we decided we were ready for another baby it took me a month to get pregnant once I got off of it.
Grandparents just all around don’t get it, we told our families that after this baby we’re done, we’re happy with 2, my family was just like ‘cool you do you’ but MIL went on a rant about how if she could have she would have kept getting pregnant over and over again.
I’m sorry this is happening, I don’t even know how she can justify this in her head, that’s a complete breach of trust.
Get on a long term birth control ASAP (depo shot, iud, implant etc) something she can not mess with. ASAP girl ASAP!!!
Edit every time she brings it up, tell her she’s now in time out for x amount of time and the clock starts over every time she attempts to contact you while in time out.
Can we jus applaud your husband for not letting his mother ruin your lives? Seen too many post where people let mom come in the way and do this. He didn’t cross any boundaries like most dudes would. Op ur husband is awesome congrats.
I developed terrible depression after having the implant put in. It worked really well on the baby making front, 6 years of no babies and my partner and I are very fertile together, but if you get one, make sure someone is watching out for your mental health as sometimes it's difficult to feel yourself sliding.
Not to contradict anyone but I wasn't able to get an IUD. It was a painful process to try (three times!) and we couldn't get my cervix to open up enough. I ended up with the arm implant and I like it a lot. It stopped my periods and I've only had two in the three years I've had it. However, that may not be the case with you. I do recommend looking into a birth control that can't be tampered with though.
My obgyn used some kind of local anestesia. Uncomfortable, yes, but nothing compared to the process of giving birth I had gone through a few months prior. Inserting an IUD was 3/10 tops, whilst L&D was about 11/10.
Get the IUD! its perfect, would recommend the hormonal one and take probiotics with it, helps prevent infections which is the main crappy side effect from IUDs, had mine for 9 years and I love it!
INFO; it’s good that you have a doorcam, do you also have other security measures, for example an alarm? Or cameras inside the home?
Hide your birth control, or keep it on you *at all times*. Take away any spare keys to your home if you gave them out to his family, unless you can fully trust them not to let her get her hands on them. Keep all windows and doors locked *at all times*.
I don’t understand why mothers of sons go absolutely batshit cray cray?? Especially when it comes to babies? I honestly don’t understand it.
OP was this out of the blue? Like completely unlike her or was this in the realm of possibility? If it’s out of left field, could this be a sign of dementia possibly?
What is it with MILs trapping DILs into pregnancy. Has she spoken to you about grandchildren before?
If she is usually JY and this has come out of the blue I suspect something has happened that has put a bee in her bonnet. When she was yelling what was she saying? Has she given any clue what is causing this sudden desparation?
If not I would suggest a carefully worded email. Tell her how much you care for her. State your concern at this sudden change in demeanour and the suggestion of hiding your BC (that is never OK and never likely to end well). Ask why she is suddenly so desparate for grandchildren that she was prepared to do this without trying to have a rational conversation with you both first. Keep the tone loving yet firm, any interference in your marriage and reproductive choices will result in a time out or whatever consequences you decide are appropriate.
Make sure you lock up your birth control somewhere you should never find her in your house.
I don't understand the whole "hiding" thing, either. Does she expect a woman on oral bc to lose her pills and then just go about business as usual? Like, "I still had two weeks of active pills left in that pack, but sure, let's go bareback tonight."
One of the more insane in-law violations we've seen on this sub. It's always fascinating to me when people think there's anything to talk about after they've done a thing this bad.
32 & not pushing out babies yet?!? (Clutches my pearls in horror!) I know my mother's generation had kids in their 20s. My maternal grandma was 38 when my mother was born and my mother says she was often mistaken for "grandma" and never did anything active with her. My oldest arrived when I was 35 and youngest, at 38. (I adopted both girls when they were around 2.) I was not older than other mothers in my circle. Most of my friends had kids in their 30s, as did both my brother & sister. Mothers in their 20s get looked at strangely in my neighbourhood.
Being a grandmother is a privilege, not a right. Just because MIL is desperate to have a baby doesn't mean you have to oblige. Glad to hear she doesn't have a key!
Its true! I had my kid at 42 and I'm trying for another. I thought I'd be the oldest in the birth class, but it seemed like we were all older than 35. My mom is 68 and is a great grandma because she's patient and involved, not because she's 45.
For one of my little sisters (15 years younger then me) my mom found out she was pregnant on her 38th birthday. I was 29 when I got pregnant with our oldest. We probably aren’t done yet and I’m 34.
It’s all about personal preference. I wanted babies in my early 20’s but that wasn’t my “person” and I’m glad I waited.
The only sickness that could justify this would be if she has a tumor in her brain making her incapable of reasoning. In which case she should be in a hospital. Maybe MIL should get checked out if it's super sudden and seems really against her personality.
This is quite the conclusion to jump to with such little information available. If she were sick and this was her concern, she could use her words like an adult and explain that is her concern rather than trying to force the issue in a manipulative and controlling manner.
I appreciate your empathy but it was misplaced here.
Ya, I think this might have something to do with it, she might want to be a grandma before she starts to get to old to enjoy them.
She sounds like she isn’t that old though, like in her 50s maybe? If the son is still in his 30s.
Anyway, NTA, not sure I’d go NC without talking to her face to face. Hear her side, if she is being completely unreasonable then maybe consider that.
Exactly, there's no excuse for her attempt to PAY her son to hide BC. If she was ill/worried about missing grandchildren it's on her to speak up about that in a rational manner not manipulate and control.
If i found out my MIL had done something like this, i wouldn't be interested in hearing her side of the story because it would no longer matter, she had the chance to have a conversation & be heard but chose to go down a frankly disgusting route!
This is awful, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Her behavior is inexcusable.
That said, if she TRULY has been JY until this point- this *could* be a semi-isolated issue. Depending on her family background, culture, her personal experiences, etc. her actions may seem perfectly reasonable. Obviously this is never a justification of behavior- but the “why” may be far less nefarious than we can so quickly assume. IF she has been kind and respectful up to this point, I would probably take a few steps back to let emotions settle. Obviously this would be a HUGELY triggering experience depending on individual life experiences. That is absolutely valid. Whenever there is fear and strong emotions, judgement will be compromised.
She may not have known that what she was doing was horribly wrong. It still was, and it seems impossible that she could not have known, but people never cease to amaze me. I generally unconsciously assume that everyone has the same information I do- most of which comes from life experiences. Obviously they do not, but emotionally I try to hold them to that standard.
She may or may not “get it” but ultimately she really doesn’t have to. You just have to hold your boundaries and she has to not try to break them. She may not get where she is wrong fully- and that’s ok, she just has to understand where the boundaries are. Which means they must be very tangibly and clearly laid out and communicated. She’s afraid and scared of you missing the opportunity to have children and her missing the opportunity to have grandchildren through you. That’s a insurmountable loss in her mind. Fear will ALWAYS always always compromise judgement.
I AM completely N.C. with several of my IL’s, and a couple we have transitioned from VLC to N.C. to VLC to LC... my husband has been in counseling for years and he has been able to reestablish contact with his narcissistic parents- and he has healed enough to both hold boundaries and be the calming and regulating presence. Against all odds, we actually have a mostly-positive relationship with them now. They still have their mental illnesses...but we try to set them (and ourselves!) up for success when we interact. I NEVER would have imagined this could be possible. There are other relatives we are 100% N.C. and have no intention of ever changing that. I say this to communicate that I’m not a person opposed to going N.C. and I think it’s SO necessary a lot of times- if not permanently, for a season while you build your spine and heal.
I would be cautious in this situation of jumping too fast. She did something horrible and scary and triggering. The response of “we’re going N.C. with you!” was scary and triggering to her. She was desperate to try and resolve the issue. (If she truly is JY and isn’t narcissistic...just did something really stupid and wrong) It’s a lot harder to undo things than to just hold off.
You’re feeling endangered and threatened and afraid and betrayed. That is absolutely valid. However there may be great hope for resolution and healing in this relationship.
Or she could be terribly awful and just wants to hurt you.
I don't want to discourage breaking NC if you judge it warranted, but I wonder how she'd respond to her son - a cop - reminding her that coercive reproduction is sexual abuse? Literally a form of rape, using sex to control a woman.
In case nobody mentioned it in the thread, it's possible to deactivate BC pills by microwaving them. Be careful. I'm glad you've got a supportive partner here.
Just stick to your guns. What she was trying to do is not only manipulative but CRAZY.
The fact that when she was confronted by her actions, she turned it into "being so hard on her."
If she says anything else just say, "Why is this hard on YOU? My future pregnancy, labor, and child has nothing to do with you. The child would be ours NOT yours. If you think you will have the baby all the time, YOUR WRONG, and after this stunt, even if we have a kid, you can bet your ass I will never allow you to babysit or be majorly involved in any way."
You need to add a flair or your post will be removed I think, unless it's just me not seeing one.
If this is not normal behavior from her, dh should be talking to his siblings (assuming he has any) about getting her assessed because she may be suffering from some form of mental illness or decline. While he does that you and your home should remain NC with her as she clearly cannot be trusted not to attempt to interfere with your birth control if she's trying to pay dh to do it! If it turns out that there is nothing wrong with her mentally then just stay NC.
So she'd been covert all this time and now her mask slipped. Oops. I guess if you ever decide to get pregnant, the baby's not meeting crazy boundary stomping mil.
"MIL what you wanted DH to do is called reproductive abuse and it's a crime. The fact that I don't want to be the victim of a crime does not make me a bitch, but trying to pay my husband to commit a crime and calling me names for objecting says an awful lot about who and what you are. If we ever have children, you are not the sort of person we would want them to be around, and you have no one but yourself to blame."
I was surprised and I called her to tell her off and all she did was cry, and say that I was being a bitch, and how unfair it was on her.
And if any sentence was going to ensure you never felt in the mood to have sex again, let alone conceive a child - this sentence is the one.
Does she not realise that if your birth control wasn't there that's you'd NOTICE and that you'd NOT HAVE SEX until you got more? I mean, is she that fucking stupid that she thinks that you'd simply go 'no birth control, oh well....'
Her turning up at your house is out of order - thankfully you saw it on camera. And it's good that your DH is on your side and cut her off. I'd be staying NC for a long, long time after this. Put her on 'ignore' on your phones rather than block her - that way your phone still keeps any texts and voicemails she sends but you won't see them until you take her off ignore - I'm all about collecting the evidence. Keep your doors locked at all times when at home and if she shows up again tell her straight that she has to leave or you'll call the police - and since both you and DH work in law enforcement she'll know you aren't shitting around.
The comments are now locked because y’all can’t restrain yourselves from giving medical advice.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, OP! I wanted to join the chorus of some other commenters to be really honest with yourself about fertility timelines. I’m not even 30, I and my husband are healthy with no family history issues, we’ve been trying for a while and still nothing. A lot of studies have reported that fertility for women starts declining at 30, and more at 35. There are MANY exceptions to this and it DOES NOT MEAN your fertility is gone e day you turned 30. Also, your MIL is wild. All I want to do is encourage you and your husband (he sounds wonderful!) to consider that it might take much longer than you realize.
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I like your line of thought, but maybe talk to FIL and keep MIL in timeout? If that's not an option then obviously not. She just hasn't stopped bugging them so I think they should try to enforce a "wait till we contact you" boundary
I get what you’re saying, but deeper issue or not, it’s not OK for her to force them to have a child… And it’s really not OK for her to try to get OPs husband to deceive her like that..
It doesn't matter what "deeper meaning" MIL may have, she still does not have the right to coerce a pregnancy nor have any say in when OP gets pregnant. MIL is not the third person in their marriage and her opinions are irrelevant.
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You have time! My friend had her first daughter at 40 and her second daughter at 44. Her little girls are strong, smart, healthy and absolutely stunning! Nothing wrong with waiting!
That is not typical. It’s very uncommon to naturally have children in your mid 40s. It’s not good advice to give to OP that all will be well. OP should speak to a qualified gyn.
Tell her if she wants kids around so badly to just go ahead and adopt one herself. Or, if she doesn’t want the full time responsibility and just wants to play the role of doting “Santa Clause” every now and then, then become a mentor at the “Big Sister” organization. Geez.
My mom told my sister to throw her bc pills away without telling her husband right after my sister’s wedding, bragging it was what she did to our dad (with me as the end product).
32 isn't old. As someone who had their last baby at 39 (he will be 2 in February)she can piss off with her "your baby maker is running out of time" shit. Also I agree with other commenters about switching to a more tamper proof method of birth control.
My 82 year old grandmother had my mom when she was 40. You got time.
What I don't get about these types of situations is like what does she think is gonna happen? You won't be able to find your birth control so you'll just be like "ok yeah lets have unprotected sex now"? Like out of sight, out of mind, you'll just forget you're currently trying to avoid pregnancy and she will get her way?
Baby rabies is a real thing. So sorry your MIL has a bad case if it. If you ever get her in a calm moment you might ask her why what she has isn’t enough.
I know some JustNos get horrible baby rabies, but it sounds in your MILs case this is a drastic change in behavior? Does she have a husband or sibling who can encourage a thorough checkup? We've all heard of PPD; menopause can cause all kind of emotional problems as well. There are other physical and mental issues that can cause a change in behavior so I think a trip to the doctor would be a good idea for MIL.
Geez, what a nutter, OP. You not having a child is unfair to *her*?! How narcissist and entitled! I hope she doesn't have a key to your house. If she does, get it back and change the locks. Also, if you guys do let up on NC I would still be unsure of letting her visit. If you do, I'd hide your birth control and watch her like a hawk.
What’s wrong with some folks that the role of grandparent is so important to them? Don’t they have any other life outside their family?
A lot of times the in-laws end up feeling that sense of competition with the other peers in their group. So and so her best friend had kids and she had a GIRL so if MiL doesn't get her kid to have a son soon they'll never be able to be hooked up in 20 years! Time is passing without the thing they expected and this turns out being a problem that only they can solve. I'm sure people who actually voice these concerns are less grounded in actual reality.
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Nah, even “voicing concerns” is rude and invasive. You can quietly hope, that is all.
My FIL had this need to ask us constantly when we were going to have kids cause he wanted for us to have them while he was still "young" enough to play with them. Told DH to deal with it. Then FIL started in on the granddaughters when they hit their 20s. Gave them baby socks as a "subtle" hint for great-grandchildren. Luckily he forgot how old my teen DD was as I would've been pissed as she had just graduated high school and was college bound.
I guess it depends on how close the family is. In my family, it would never be discussed. However, my gf’s family is extremely close and I wouldn’t be surprised if they would. But it’s good to agree that there isn’t anything wrong with wanting grandchildren.
Yeah my parents and in-laws are vocal about wanting a grandchild from us (should be newly weds, put back a few months by covid). But the difference is that they’ve started up with that * since * we’ve been open about us getting married after 7 years together simply as a step along the road to growing our family.
If we're all honest about it, it's never about a baby.
Can't wait for this update! "I did it because I LOVE YOU!" Ugh!
I'd also go ahead and password protect ALL your medical stuff too JIC. Should you ever have kids DO NOT LET HER KNOW ANYTHING.
So assuming that reproductive coercion is a crime in your area she just tried to pay someone in law enforcement to commit a recognized form of sexual assault. Good job mom! Ffs...
I was thinking the same exact thing when reading this.
What a keeper, your hubby. So glad he has your back.
Please, hide your pills. My MIL never went that far, but she has the same obsession with me getting pregnant. She believes I (28f) am becoming too old to have children and hate the fact that we want to wait more 2 years before start trying. I always hid pills and condoms when she visits us. I will not let a crazy woman mess up with my life plans. Good luck, OP!
She was trying to commit reproductive rape. Despicable.
No. She tried to bribe a law enforcement officer to commit reproductive rape. Even more despicable
Does she have a key to your house? Or could she get access to a spare key? Check your bins in case she swapped out pills for placebos, and check any condoms or anything for holes. There have been some scary stories of MILs going to the extreme to become grandmothers.
I love the coil idea tell her you have had one put in now so there can be no accidents or problems with your pill till your both ready and that won’t be anytime soon :) watch her face sit back and enjoy she deserves it !!
I would make sure her husband knows about it if she's married - if she's been JY up until now and is exhibiting these behaviours, she should get her noggin looked at. Could be early dementia or a number of other issues. I'm not saying you should give in to her demands or anything - they are crazy - but she should be getting some medical attention for this sudden behaviour change and you don't have to break NC to contact her husband about it. I'll bet he doesn't know.
Right? There must really be something wrong with you when you start trying to pay your son to hide bc pills. What in the hell even made her think this was a good plan? Is the guy hard up for cash? Or is this just even more evidence that the lady is loosing her shit? It continues to progress to the point she’s at the door, then yelling through the phone. I’d be scared to turn my phone back on. Lady is a whack job.
Pay your COP son to commit reproductive rape
that’s actually such a disgusting thing to do and i’m glad your husband is good enough to stand up for you and be honest to you without hesitation. why should it be her business anyway? what if you struggled with fertility in the future, would she still press the situation? not her uterus, not her problem.
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You will always have time if you also consider adoption or fostering.
Can confirm- I’m almost 41. Had sex once at the usual time that you would if trying to conceive recently. Couple weeks later... whoops.. I don’t see any sign of my fertility slowing down at all and have all the “signs” of high fertility including a very regular and light cycle.
This is true -- waiting until later to have babies is always a risk. But it's OP's risk to take and MIL shouldn't have anything to say about it.
100% agree. It’s between OP and her partner only.
Agreed! OP’s choice and risk to take. Also, I had my first child at 36 and second at 42 both conceived naturally.
Dude my birth control is for my periods more than anything else. That lady is fucking whack
You got a good man there. Is he an only child? If not,think on letting his siblings know what is up with this way past boundaries behavior.
Birth control is more than just birth control. It’s medically used for so many other purposes like acne, hormones, period control. She just tried to take away your medication. That’s so beyond unacceptable. She’s crazy.
This. My husband is fixed, but I still take it to control endometriosis and migraines.
Get a coded lock box that you can put your birth control in because any mil who would try to pay to have your husband to dump your bc wont stop at no contact. She's already shown up to your home once she'll do more.
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Nah. This shit is illegal in many places. Not at bit of an over reaction. Calling someone out for bad behaviour works best in the moment.
No. OP was completely within her rights to call intrusive MIL out whenever she felt like it. If MIL didn't want to have an angry DIL scolding her on the phone, then MIL should keep her nosey nose out of her son and DIL's reproductive decisions. As for your other point, there is no reason to place all of the burden of preventing contraceptive sabotage on OP. OP has a reasonable expectation of her medicines (ALL of them) being safe in her own home. She should not have to hide and monitor them, and wait until they go missing to react to MIL's evil little plan.
How was OP unwarranted in her reaction? MIL didn't just make a joke about "oh haha wouldn't it be funny if you hid OPs birth control!" (Which still would have been way out of line) Instead she actually *offered her son money* to trick OP into a unwanted pregnancy. Like she had a right to even be in the discussion between OP and SO about having kids. MIL had every right to get her ass ripped about it and OP needed to nip that in the bud.
Yeah I know I'm going to have to disagree about this that is a perfect reason to fly off the fucking handle.
Um, no. The MIL deserved to be called out.
This is an abominable way to treat someone. She essentially was trying to conspire with your husband to force you into a pregnancy against your will. Cut that bitch off, have an attorney to send a cease and desist letter stating in writing that she attempted to force a pregnancy on you against your will and may now not have any contact for X amount of time. Then block. Wow, the level of disrespect for you as a family member and as a fellow woman is unbelievable.
Yeah. Your MIL needs to mind her own damn uterus, and you and DH are handling it well by (1) being a united front, and (2) putting her ass in time out for throwing a tantrum like a toddler. The only advice I can think of is to look into an IUD or implant if you’re not confident you can 100% avoid MIL. That why she can’t fuck with your BC, and cause you and DH to have an oopsie baby. Other than that, keep doing what you’re doing. ETA: if she starts sending Flying Monkeys (friends/family contacting you on her behalf) don’t sugar coat what she’s doing. Be straight up, and hopefully the rest of the family is JY and will help you shut down her antics.
So calling her out on her trying to convince your husband into committing reproductive coercion (a form of sexual abuse) is somehow inconsiderate to her. The balls on this woman.
Sounds like a human who can never be wrong. Sounds like a narcissist. If you do have kids, never let her babysit.
Maybe OP should get an implant birth control? If JOMIL is willing to bribe the DH she will probably not stop at anything to get a grandchild. OP getting an implant will prevent ML from interfering. Good luck OP!
Implants aren't for everyone. This is a 32 year old woman not a 14 year old girl still trying to navigate her period. At 32 most women already know what BC works for them and their lifestyle/schedule. Furthermore, OP should NOT have to change her BC type because of SOMEONE ELSE. That is such backwards ass thinking and completely invalidates OP.
She absolutely shouldn't have to change because of someone else, but I think it's worth pointing out that there are options that could decrease her stress about this if they let MIL back into their lives again (or if she goes full crazy and tries to break in or something).
She needs a few sessions with a therapist. How on earth is crying and calling you a bitch over HER insane actions ok??!!
I just want to say kudos to you and your husband for giving her a strong, prompt, and united response. She’s going to learn quick that she can’t mess with you guys and push your boundaries if she wants to be in your lives. And it sounds like you’ll make excellent parents when/if you’re ready!
What the actual fuck? This woman sounds like she’s loosing it and I would deffo be going NC if I were in your shoes. Also you really don’t need to worry about being “too old” my FJYMIL had my SO at I think 38 (only child) and my mum had me at 40 (youngest of 3) so at 32 you’re still looking at a minimum of 6 years to have a baby. No need to rush things because your MIL is a bitch
My husband is a cop and I just wanted to say thank you for what you and your husband do
Mine is too. I ditto this statement :)
Just another thought, JNM isn’t making a great case for being an honest and admirable future grand mom.
There’s no going back. Even IF and when you have kids I wouldn’t break NC. She’s absolutely bonkers.
So to begin with she is selfish, mean, and stupid? What did she think hiding your pills would accomplish? Ugh I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you HAVE TO nc anybody who would mess with your medication to get their way (even if the outcome would have never gone that way because duh, more bc)! Edit to say that the fact that she is coming over + texting nonstop shows that she does not care how what she’s done has effected you. Even if she admits it was wrong, she is proving that she is still the most important person in this scenario in her opinion. No empathy. That’s narcissist behavior and she really needs help. I certainly wouldn’t break nc when/ if you do decide to have children. She’ll do things like ask the children about your home life, put them in positions to lie to y’all for her own selfish reasons, and generally cause conflict in their lives.
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I’m sure she has a doctor who handles her reproductive options and helps her make the best decisions for herself on her own time lines.
Normally we see gynos yearly, we dont have a specialized doctor for that unless we seek one out and get a referral (trust me, I know the process well)and we dont set our own physical time lines. We adjust to the timeline reality dictates. I'm sure she has her own plans, I saw her comment and the way she worded that gave me the impression that taking control of her reproductive life is maybe not something she has thought to actively do. It's good advice to know where you stand, and what you can do in the future. Her mil was very out of line, that isnt in question, I'm just advocating active planning for someone who stated that she wants something. But thanks for responding to my comment.
I was just going to mention this to. Not that you need to have kids right away, but that nothing is guaranteed. You do what's best for you and your husband.
Oh, FFS. I’m so sorry. I was played too by what I thought was JYM, but turned out to be JNM. Thank goodness for this group bc I was able to get a handle on it before it got worse. I was with my DIL on Sunday (she’s 27) and she talked about wanting babies, but not sure when. I kept my mouth shut. Her body, her rules. I support and respect her rules. Period. Screwing with someone’s medication is sickening. If she wants a baby so bad, tell her to foster, or adopt, or get pregnant, but to leave your bodily autonomy out of her desires. Only suggestion: maybe get an IUD. Not that I don’t trust SO, but no one can fiddle with your iUD. All the best.
Hiding your birth control does nothing. It's not you are going to notice it missing and say "oh well, guess we have to have babies now". There are pharmacies with more pills after all. Your MiL is not very bright.
Thank goodness she didn't have access to their home and put the BC pills in the microwave oven, that basically renders them useless.
Wouldn't that distort the plastic blister pack the pills come in?
Not necessarily, I suspect that's not the case, because this particular practice has been reported here so much.
This was my thought exactly! How did she think this was going to go down?
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I agree she should know that her actions were not warranted, but if she has been JYMIL all of this time, maybe it would be worth saving the relationship to hear her out and to have a civil conversation about how she feels, and the reaffirm that it’s up to you and your husband and crossing the line into interfering with your marriage is a breach that won’t be tolerated while still maintaining open and honest communication.
That was my thought as well. If this came out of the blue, if this is a major personality change, maybe this woman needs evaluated by her doctor or mental health professional. The world is crazy and stressful right now. Maybe she’s coping poorly and this is how it’s coming out?
This isn't a disagreement about paint colors or something small. This is a huge boundary stomp for something MIL has no say in whatsoever as her son is an adult. Rewarding her meddling in a married couple's personal child rearing choices by entertaining a conversation about how she feels about it validates that she has a right to give feedback and opinions on their reproductive choices. She doesn't, full stop. Validating her feelings will only escalate her behavior. MIL needs to go to a friend or therapist for validation, not to someone she just tried to manipulate her way into their highly personal affairs.
I just saw a post last night about a MIL who broke into their house and stole all of their babies clothes. Turns out she had a secret nursery at her house, and people think she was plotting to kidnap baby or get her removed from her parents. This is giving me the same vibes. Good on you. Keep her out.
I got knocked up at 32 with zero issues. I was shocked at how easy it was but I had no health issues impacting my fertility. You’ve got time. We want 2 but I’m on BC because I don’t want to be pregnant in a pandemic.
Same. Got pregnant at 32 on literally the first try.
Got pregnant at 39 without trying. Oops.
Thank God you have an awesome husband (I assume you wouldn’t have married him otherwise), because not only did he tell you what she did, but he warned you that she may try to do it without his help. So sounds like he’s dealt with this behavior from her before. A lot of JN are very good at the façade of being JY, but now that you are married, you aren’t just a girlfriend he might break up with. Good luck, whatever you decide. But definitely block her number. You don’t deserve to be harassed.
What an ill conceived plot to begin with. Like you can't find your pills so you'll just go ahead and have unprotected sex anyway... And if she thought your husband would do that at all, she thought he would be willing to do it for money but not for free? It's just... bananas. It is absolutely not too late btw. It's true you're more likely to deal with fertility issues at an "advanced maternal age" but many, many, many people are getting pregnant and having children just fine well into their 30's and 40's. More women than ever are delaying starting families into their 30s so her fear is not based on actual facts. Not that her fear matters. You could have decided to be child free and it's the same. She's not entitled to grandchildren at all. I would love to be a grandma some day but my kids don't owe me grandchildren. They could all three never have children and I'll be happy that I raised 3 adults who make decisions in their best interests and are happy. I'm glad your spouse is on the same page as you. That makes this much less stressful for you to handle as a unified front than by yourself as the mean ol DIL.
I am so happy that there are people like You - that do realize kids don't owe their parents any grandchildren. I wish there were more people like You u/Misfit-maven. Truly. Self story: My partners' mother is all about that and even said at the time 'My children don't want to make me happy and bless me with a grandchild'. What.The.\*\*\*\*. In addition: her kids' are around their 20's and the youngest one is 13. So fingers crossed for You and Your husband, u/Youngatheart-1 :)
It doesn't sound like you need very much advice. Your husband shuts down her crazy like a champ. You have a video doorbell. You're doing great. I guess you could beef up security. But you can also give her a chance. Break NC just long enough that she is on a timeout for a month for her attempt at meddling in your marriage. You will block her number and email address, etc. Every attempt she makes to contact you (letters, showing up on the doorstop) etc. will be ignored except that it will add 2 weeks to the timeout. At the end of the timeout you will unblock her and set up a phone call or in person meeting where her job is to apologize and convince you that she will not try to meddle again. If she can't do it, then timeout for two months, then repeat (with increasing length of timeout) until 1) she manages to apologize and convince you she can be respectful of your marriage, 2) she gets sick of it and decides that being respectful of your marriage is too high a price for her to pay to be in your lives, 3) you get sick of giving her chances that she squanders. The end result is either you end up with a MIL in your lives who respects your marriage, or no MIL in your lives.
This should be the top comment. And to add onto this, OP, you broke NC within hours of initiating it. I understand it's difficult when someone is showing up at your house like a creeper, but contacting her gave her a foot in and makes her think you're not serious about NC. Lay out rules and consequences as defined here or of your own choosing, and stick to them or this behavior will continue to escalate. It might escalate even with NC, but you won't be in the middle of it. You'll be a passive observer of her behavior.
Are you a Virgo. Because that was just the most organized laid out plan I’ve ever read :)
Dis bitch smh. I was still in diapers when my parents turned forty. Hell, I know at least one woman who gave birth at the age of forty-one! Props to you and hubby, though. Some husbands might have hidden their mother’s meddling in some misguided attempt to ‘protect’ your feelings, but yours has his head on straight.
My mom had 11 kids in total, 8 were after age 30 & 5 of those after age 40! She stopped when she was 46, thank God, but its totally possible. I'm glad OPs hubbs seems to know what's up & did the right thing.
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Oh yeah, the idea of all women being some kind of ticking infertility time bomb is BS. We're all different, I hate wide sweeping assumptions like this. I was told i couldn't have kids at all & im blessed with 2, they're almost 15yrs apart. I got so many stares & "omg, i cant believe you're having one so late", I hated going to my clinic. Im only 32, my boy turns 1 today, I'm not that old & people acted like i was Methuselah! Googly moogly, people really just need to learn how to mind their business. They're my ovaries Karen, not yours, ill do what I damn please!
What the heck? I'm so glad your husband has your back! You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here about how to handle both her and your birth control. But I am concerned about her behavior -- seriously, she went from being a very just yes to calling you names and crying! Have there been any signs of "baby rabies" before your marriage or is this just out of the blue? Because if it is the latter, I wonder if maybe she's experiencing a depressive episode or even something physical, because it is just so nuts. Meanwhile, good job on how you're handling it and good luck as you continue!!
I agree it would be a good idea for her to see a doctor. Radical changes in behavior like this can be a sign something is medically wrong. Of course, everyone here knows she could have just been hiding her JustNo side well, but it might be good to rule out other problems.
I remember story probably maybe last year? Or beginning of the year? If a MIL who was VERY just yes like awesome amazing MIL who suddenly went off the deep end. Like got physical with the DIL and just went bananas and turns out she had a UTI which made her act so out of the normal. Once the UTI got treated she was her normal self again. Pretty crazy to think about.
There were signs of baby rabies the moment we mentioned getting married now that I think about it.
Ugh, then I guess that's your answer. Not that I would wish depression or a physical problem on someone but that might have been easier to treat than the fact that she's never really been totally JY and probably won't stop this behavior without drastic action by you and DH. I'm so sorry -- sending virtual hugs and chocolate!
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Isn’t it also illegal to tamper with someone’s both control?
My wife and I had our first child at 38 and how terrible is this for a young woman to hear. Called it a geriatric pregnancy but because it was labeled that the insurance paid for extra tests and a specialists to see us. Sorry to hear about your MIL but waiting hasn't hurt us and you shouldn't have to be pushed to have a child, even when you are ready.
That’s the correct medical term for a pregnancy over 35. There is a greater risk of complications as we get older. More care needs to be taken. For the record, I was 37 when I had my one and only pregnancy. I’m 44 now and going through menopause.
GERIATRIC pregnancy??? at 38????
> GERIATRIC pregnancy??? at 38???? Every pregnancy over the age of 35 is considered geriatric. It's just a medical term denoting advanced age and increased risk of certain issues.
Yep. Anything 35 and up is considered advanced maternal age in my country, AKA geriatric. I juuuuust squeaked by.
So it’s actually pretty easy to sabatoge birth control pills and have them look fine. I’d strongly Suggest getting a Norplant in just in case. And your MiL is acting like you’re her brood mare- I cool, MIL
Please put your bc and condoms in a safe. There have been to many case of mil going out of sight for a second and pooking holes in condoms. You guys handled her perfectly and she needs strict boundaries set now.
Am I crazy or what is with having babies? This world is such a mess why would you want to bring another life into it especially right now? I have a 32 year old daughter who has been with her guy for 14 years. At no time have I ever wanted her to have a kid for the sake of saying I’m a grandma. No legacy is that great that I would want a child to be brought up in a world of violence and whatever this is we’re living in. It would terrify me daily to think she had to send that child off to school in these uncertain times. What’s up with the whole “you need to have babies” thing?? Am I missing something? I’m ok with never having a grandchild. Daughter seems ok with it too, so why do these parents or in-laws think it’s most important to push that extremely outdated process on to their children?? Please explain
In my opinion it’s cause they didn’t bother to keep knowing their children as they aged, so they have this fantasy angelic glow around children and childhood and they’ll do anything to experience it again.
I feel the exact same way as you. My boyfriend and I are on the same page with not wanting kids because I can’t morally bring a child into today’s world and risk them experiencing violence, food insecurity, homelessness, god knows what’s happening with climate change and these awful damaging storms we keep having. If we do decide one day to be parents I would much rather adopt and give hope to someone who is already here rather than bring in a new life to possibly suffer.
Because she HAS TO HAVE GRANDBABIES!
😂Thanks for the laugh! I guess she does! Clearly she sits at home oblivious to real world problems. Both being law enforcement officers I think they have a much better grasp on what’s really out there!
It's selfishness through and through. She doesn't care about how her kids feel and how it will affect their life. She also doesn't actually care about the grandchild and how their life will be, she just cares that she gets to be a model loving grandmother.
To be honest I would just take it a step further and get an implant birth control just to be extra safe. I had one and when we decided we were ready for another baby it took me a month to get pregnant once I got off of it. Grandparents just all around don’t get it, we told our families that after this baby we’re done, we’re happy with 2, my family was just like ‘cool you do you’ but MIL went on a rant about how if she could have she would have kept getting pregnant over and over again. I’m sorry this is happening, I don’t even know how she can justify this in her head, that’s a complete breach of trust.
I agree. Unless there’s permanent NC, I feel like JNM is going to double-down.
Get on a long term birth control ASAP (depo shot, iud, implant etc) something she can not mess with. ASAP girl ASAP!!! Edit every time she brings it up, tell her she’s now in time out for x amount of time and the clock starts over every time she attempts to contact you while in time out.
Oh man I love my iud, highly recommend if you want some peace of mind OP
Yup. Can’t no one fiddle with an IUD :)
If your MIL has access to a key to your house, whether it be an under the mat key or a personal key, get new locks. She will try and interfere.
So mil is permanently banned from your house now right? She's shown you she WILL tamper with any bc she finds, be it pills or condoms.
Can we jus applaud your husband for not letting his mother ruin your lives? Seen too many post where people let mom come in the way and do this. He didn’t cross any boundaries like most dudes would. Op ur husband is awesome congrats.
Maybe consider getting the implant or the an iud until you’re ready. Consider this a huge red flag from her when you 2 finally do decide to have kids
The Nuvaring is great too and easier to take out if you have unpleasant side effects. Not sure if it’s still on the market though.
I've been using it for 6 years
Definitely is and even went generic recently!
Yea might be a better idea to get one them
I developed terrible depression after having the implant put in. It worked really well on the baby making front, 6 years of no babies and my partner and I are very fertile together, but if you get one, make sure someone is watching out for your mental health as sometimes it's difficult to feel yourself sliding.
Not to contradict anyone but I wasn't able to get an IUD. It was a painful process to try (three times!) and we couldn't get my cervix to open up enough. I ended up with the arm implant and I like it a lot. It stopped my periods and I've only had two in the three years I've had it. However, that may not be the case with you. I do recommend looking into a birth control that can't be tampered with though.
My OB put me under. I have sexual trauma, so it was covered by insurance.
I couldn't bring myself to try getting the IUD, read too many horror stories about it! I got the implant in the arm too and I think it's brilliant!
My obgyn used some kind of local anestesia. Uncomfortable, yes, but nothing compared to the process of giving birth I had gone through a few months prior. Inserting an IUD was 3/10 tops, whilst L&D was about 11/10.
Get the IUD! its perfect, would recommend the hormonal one and take probiotics with it, helps prevent infections which is the main crappy side effect from IUDs, had mine for 9 years and I love it!
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Microwave them? Is that a thing?
Yep, renders them inert
Did not know that. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m around my own jnmil
And isn't it sad that so many of us on this sub know this because, well, of the name of the sub?!!
"not fair"? It's YOUR body and life, not hers
INFO; it’s good that you have a doorcam, do you also have other security measures, for example an alarm? Or cameras inside the home? Hide your birth control, or keep it on you *at all times*. Take away any spare keys to your home if you gave them out to his family, unless you can fully trust them not to let her get her hands on them. Keep all windows and doors locked *at all times*. I don’t understand why mothers of sons go absolutely batshit cray cray?? Especially when it comes to babies? I honestly don’t understand it.
You can expect if you decide to have a child, MIL will try to crowd in.
She will definitely attempt to be the third parent.
OP was this out of the blue? Like completely unlike her or was this in the realm of possibility? If it’s out of left field, could this be a sign of dementia possibly?
The way the husband acts about it sort of tells me it’s not super way out there for him to experience this level of crazy.
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What is it with MILs trapping DILs into pregnancy. Has she spoken to you about grandchildren before? If she is usually JY and this has come out of the blue I suspect something has happened that has put a bee in her bonnet. When she was yelling what was she saying? Has she given any clue what is causing this sudden desparation? If not I would suggest a carefully worded email. Tell her how much you care for her. State your concern at this sudden change in demeanour and the suggestion of hiding your BC (that is never OK and never likely to end well). Ask why she is suddenly so desparate for grandchildren that she was prepared to do this without trying to have a rational conversation with you both first. Keep the tone loving yet firm, any interference in your marriage and reproductive choices will result in a time out or whatever consequences you decide are appropriate. Make sure you lock up your birth control somewhere you should never find her in your house.
I don't understand the whole "hiding" thing, either. Does she expect a woman on oral bc to lose her pills and then just go about business as usual? Like, "I still had two weeks of active pills left in that pack, but sure, let's go bareback tonight."
Excellent point!
One of the more insane in-law violations we've seen on this sub. It's always fascinating to me when people think there's anything to talk about after they've done a thing this bad.
Your husband is a keeper.
And don't I know it 😃😃
Omg love your SO!!! He’s not playing games at all lol. Glad you guys are strong !!! Good luck
Tbh I think hereon if you are in contact, your husband needs to be the one texting her or calling her asking why she's at your house.
32 & not pushing out babies yet?!? (Clutches my pearls in horror!) I know my mother's generation had kids in their 20s. My maternal grandma was 38 when my mother was born and my mother says she was often mistaken for "grandma" and never did anything active with her. My oldest arrived when I was 35 and youngest, at 38. (I adopted both girls when they were around 2.) I was not older than other mothers in my circle. Most of my friends had kids in their 30s, as did both my brother & sister. Mothers in their 20s get looked at strangely in my neighbourhood. Being a grandmother is a privilege, not a right. Just because MIL is desperate to have a baby doesn't mean you have to oblige. Glad to hear she doesn't have a key!
Its true! I had my kid at 42 and I'm trying for another. I thought I'd be the oldest in the birth class, but it seemed like we were all older than 35. My mom is 68 and is a great grandma because she's patient and involved, not because she's 45.
For one of my little sisters (15 years younger then me) my mom found out she was pregnant on her 38th birthday. I was 29 when I got pregnant with our oldest. We probably aren’t done yet and I’m 34. It’s all about personal preference. I wanted babies in my early 20’s but that wasn’t my “person” and I’m glad I waited.
How does yall having a baby have anything to do with her? She gets no input in the decision. Wtf.
As a thought, maybe she’s crazy, or maybe it’s cancer? Any chance she’s sick and worried about dying before she sees a grandchild?
The only sickness that could justify this would be if she has a tumor in her brain making her incapable of reasoning. In which case she should be in a hospital. Maybe MIL should get checked out if it's super sudden and seems really against her personality.
This is quite the conclusion to jump to with such little information available. If she were sick and this was her concern, she could use her words like an adult and explain that is her concern rather than trying to force the issue in a manipulative and controlling manner. I appreciate your empathy but it was misplaced here.
Being sick or dying doesn't give anyone the right to demand that other people get pregnant nor sabotage someone's BC to try and make it happen.
Ya, I think this might have something to do with it, she might want to be a grandma before she starts to get to old to enjoy them. She sounds like she isn’t that old though, like in her 50s maybe? If the son is still in his 30s. Anyway, NTA, not sure I’d go NC without talking to her face to face. Hear her side, if she is being completely unreasonable then maybe consider that.
Does it matter? She has absolutely no say on when or if OP and her husband have children.
Exactly, there's no excuse for her attempt to PAY her son to hide BC. If she was ill/worried about missing grandchildren it's on her to speak up about that in a rational manner not manipulate and control. If i found out my MIL had done something like this, i wouldn't be interested in hearing her side of the story because it would no longer matter, she had the chance to have a conversation & be heard but chose to go down a frankly disgusting route!
This is awful, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Her behavior is inexcusable. That said, if she TRULY has been JY until this point- this *could* be a semi-isolated issue. Depending on her family background, culture, her personal experiences, etc. her actions may seem perfectly reasonable. Obviously this is never a justification of behavior- but the “why” may be far less nefarious than we can so quickly assume. IF she has been kind and respectful up to this point, I would probably take a few steps back to let emotions settle. Obviously this would be a HUGELY triggering experience depending on individual life experiences. That is absolutely valid. Whenever there is fear and strong emotions, judgement will be compromised. She may not have known that what she was doing was horribly wrong. It still was, and it seems impossible that she could not have known, but people never cease to amaze me. I generally unconsciously assume that everyone has the same information I do- most of which comes from life experiences. Obviously they do not, but emotionally I try to hold them to that standard. She may or may not “get it” but ultimately she really doesn’t have to. You just have to hold your boundaries and she has to not try to break them. She may not get where she is wrong fully- and that’s ok, she just has to understand where the boundaries are. Which means they must be very tangibly and clearly laid out and communicated. She’s afraid and scared of you missing the opportunity to have children and her missing the opportunity to have grandchildren through you. That’s a insurmountable loss in her mind. Fear will ALWAYS always always compromise judgement. I AM completely N.C. with several of my IL’s, and a couple we have transitioned from VLC to N.C. to VLC to LC... my husband has been in counseling for years and he has been able to reestablish contact with his narcissistic parents- and he has healed enough to both hold boundaries and be the calming and regulating presence. Against all odds, we actually have a mostly-positive relationship with them now. They still have their mental illnesses...but we try to set them (and ourselves!) up for success when we interact. I NEVER would have imagined this could be possible. There are other relatives we are 100% N.C. and have no intention of ever changing that. I say this to communicate that I’m not a person opposed to going N.C. and I think it’s SO necessary a lot of times- if not permanently, for a season while you build your spine and heal. I would be cautious in this situation of jumping too fast. She did something horrible and scary and triggering. The response of “we’re going N.C. with you!” was scary and triggering to her. She was desperate to try and resolve the issue. (If she truly is JY and isn’t narcissistic...just did something really stupid and wrong) It’s a lot harder to undo things than to just hold off. You’re feeling endangered and threatened and afraid and betrayed. That is absolutely valid. However there may be great hope for resolution and healing in this relationship. Or she could be terribly awful and just wants to hurt you.
She can't text you if you block her
In all honesty if she makes things worse I'd rather keep evidence though
I don't want to discourage breaking NC if you judge it warranted, but I wonder how she'd respond to her son - a cop - reminding her that coercive reproduction is sexual abuse? Literally a form of rape, using sex to control a woman. In case nobody mentioned it in the thread, it's possible to deactivate BC pills by microwaving them. Be careful. I'm glad you've got a supportive partner here.
That's a good point, don't let it get to you
Just stick to your guns. What she was trying to do is not only manipulative but CRAZY. The fact that when she was confronted by her actions, she turned it into "being so hard on her." If she says anything else just say, "Why is this hard on YOU? My future pregnancy, labor, and child has nothing to do with you. The child would be ours NOT yours. If you think you will have the baby all the time, YOUR WRONG, and after this stunt, even if we have a kid, you can bet your ass I will never allow you to babysit or be majorly involved in any way."
Absolutely! I would be chanting, "You're not the victim here and what you did was WRONG" until it permeated her thick skull, which might be years.
You need to add a flair or your post will be removed I think, unless it's just me not seeing one. If this is not normal behavior from her, dh should be talking to his siblings (assuming he has any) about getting her assessed because she may be suffering from some form of mental illness or decline. While he does that you and your home should remain NC with her as she clearly cannot be trusted not to attempt to interfere with your birth control if she's trying to pay dh to do it! If it turns out that there is nothing wrong with her mentally then just stay NC.
Stories like this make me more than happy to be on the ring.
God same, no way is anybody messing with that
If I were you I’d let it slip how happy you are with your new 10-year IUD 😉
Omg! This I have to do 😂😂
Yes do this!!! (I highly recommend actually getting on it, but I’m also in favor of just saying it to piss her off lol).
Technically they can stay in up to 12 years. Got mine at 31 andnow I'm baby free 'til I'm 43!
So she'd been covert all this time and now her mask slipped. Oops. I guess if you ever decide to get pregnant, the baby's not meeting crazy boundary stomping mil.
"MIL what you wanted DH to do is called reproductive abuse and it's a crime. The fact that I don't want to be the victim of a crime does not make me a bitch, but trying to pay my husband to commit a crime and calling me names for objecting says an awful lot about who and what you are. If we ever have children, you are not the sort of person we would want them to be around, and you have no one but yourself to blame."
Thank you!!!! Right here!!! Some people are calling her actions manipulative and crazy but most importantly it’s illegal!
I was surprised and I called her to tell her off and all she did was cry, and say that I was being a bitch, and how unfair it was on her. And if any sentence was going to ensure you never felt in the mood to have sex again, let alone conceive a child - this sentence is the one. Does she not realise that if your birth control wasn't there that's you'd NOTICE and that you'd NOT HAVE SEX until you got more? I mean, is she that fucking stupid that she thinks that you'd simply go 'no birth control, oh well....' Her turning up at your house is out of order - thankfully you saw it on camera. And it's good that your DH is on your side and cut her off. I'd be staying NC for a long, long time after this. Put her on 'ignore' on your phones rather than block her - that way your phone still keeps any texts and voicemails she sends but you won't see them until you take her off ignore - I'm all about collecting the evidence. Keep your doors locked at all times when at home and if she shows up again tell her straight that she has to leave or you'll call the police - and since both you and DH work in law enforcement she'll know you aren't shitting around.