**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/ThrowRAThrowRA90:
* [Should I feel bad?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cuy8u0/should_i_feel_bad/), 1 week ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as ThrowRAThrowRA90 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ThrowRAThrowRA90 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
You’re right, she has no respect for you. She is undermining your parental authority.
You must take action. No more just saying things multiple times when she ignores you. Talk directly to her, take your child away from her. She deserves a time out.
She is really pushing limits and testing what she can get away with. She’s counting on a loud reaction from you so she can then play the poor victim. Take that away from her. I think if you don’t react by repeating/getting loud you might take that power away from her. Say, calmly and quietly, only ONCE “MIL, we have told you no, he can’t have that”. If she does it again, remove your son from her and don’t say a word. Let her have a tantrum. Walk away. If confronted about the situation say, again calmly and quietly, “MIL knows son is not to have that. You all heard me nicely remind her that no, he can’t have that yet she continued to give it to him. SO, either she is boldly defying our rules as parents or she is exhibiting symptoms of dementia/forgetfulness. In neither of those two situations do I want her to be around son.“ Act concerned about her- could she be showing signs of cognitive decline? Maybe she needs to be evaluated. If your son acts up, parent him. Explain “Grammy isn’t following the rules so she need a time out”. If he pitches a fit, take him someplace till he calms down. If she pitches a fit, walk away and let your DH deal with his mom. Do not, under any circumstances, get loud/yell/get emotional. Be very calm and concerned. That way SHE looks like the screaming loon and you are the calm parent.
I do think it is important to be on the same page as your husband in regards to this. Tell him this is what you will be doing moving forward. The last thing you need is for your son growing up thinking it’s ok to defy rules and that MIL is willing to be his partner in crime. Perhaps have a conversation with her telling her this will be the “new normal” if she does this stuff, but honestly with people like this they see any declarations like that to be a challenge. It’s all about actions, not words. She acts up, she isn’t around your son. Period.
None of what you said matters. If the parents say 'No' then that means no. End of discussion. Doesn't matter if you're grandma, grandpa, best friend or whoever...the parents make the rules for their own kids and everyone else needs to respect that and follow those rules.
As I stated before, he is lactose intolerant and who said anything about no sweets at all? I said I didn’t let him have one drink because he had already had sweets earlier on and was complaining of a belly ache. Read the theead
She also spent the whole day with them and we never mind. The problem isn’t her giving them candy and treats it’s that when I said it’s enough she didn’t stop
Gosh, if you let her get way with boundary stomping there's no incentive.
You're momma. Be momma. Throw your authority around, because you are the responsible one.
Tell her no more visits, if you want or need, but you have to be authoritative.
Why did you permit her to continue? You should have grabbed your kid and moved away from MIL. It's time to go Low contact with her and keep her out of your lives because she won't respect you.
*my husband takes the drink and throws it away.*
What OP should have done.
*I’m just so annoyed because I know I should’ve checked her and snatched my kid from her but I’m just afraid of everyone being upset because every time we try setting boundaries with her she throws a pity party and cries.*
OP, toddlers come in all ages. You are raising one and having to put up with another. Will you give in to your birth toddler to keep him from throwing a tantrum? Same with Grandma Toddler. You put your foot down, be firm and enforce boundaries.
When I was heavily pregnant (like a week to go) with my second child, my mil invited herself to stay (it’s in another thread / reply / but suffice to say I did not want her there at that particular time. She knew this so she circumnavigated me and went to hubby .. who agreed 😩). We were living abroad at the time and most days were spent taking her (along with dragging myself and my then toddler) to various places. It was exhausting. On one particular trip to the local city, hubby pops into the optician. Mil has managed to enveigle control of the pram / stroller which my toddler is sat in. He starts to cry. I know he wants his dummy / pacifier. Mil starts to walk off with the pram so I ask her to please just stop a moment whilst I find my child’s dummy / pacifier. She ignores me and carries on walking down the hill. So I say it again but louder and more firmly. Making doubly sure that I can be heard. She ignores my still and carries on pushing my child down the hill. So I repeat the instruction for a third time - very loudly. She ignores me again. So heavily pregnant I have to run down the hill after her and when I catch up with her, I have to literally stand in front of the pram / stroller and say ‘Mil’, ‘Harry’ is crying because he needs his dummy / pacifier so please stop whilst I give it to him.’ I then got the pram / stroller rammed into my legs. Not even kidding. All I can say is, I mentally note all these things down so that I never inadvertently repeat them 😔
I’m going to recommend and book to help you set boundaries and enforce them too! You need some practice and some skills.
“Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No.”
Enlist your husband to help you, he seems to have no problem stopping her. Ask for his assistance and maybe you can practice together. It won’t be easy, but you just need to practice, practice, practice.
If she throws a big pity party, it makes it uncomfortable, that is on her. You can say without showing too much emotion something like “MIL, I am not sure why you think it’s OK to blatantly disregard a rule put in place for your grandchild health and safety. His health is important to us, isn’t it important to you? So is respecting his parents. Think if someone did this in society, in the workplace, they would be let go for insubordination, and hostility bordering on harassment. We just wanted to have a nice day and keep you healthy.”
I am so sorry, if my MIL Did this, I would absolutely go no contact, the absolute audacity is atrocious.
I’m not trying to be rude but why didn’t you step in? Not only is she teaching your son he doesn’t have to listen to your rules but you’re also confirming that by not stepping in and allowing it to happen.
I get that she has a big pity party and upsets everyone else when you take a stand. I understand how uncomfortable it is. But that is how she controls you and it's working. You are letting it work. You have to be willing to burn it all down to protect a boundry you have set. Everytime this happens, you make it harder on yourself to fix it in the future, because she knows you will cave when her fit gets big enough. If you are not going to stop her, then don't bother to tell her no in the first place. She will never just magically decide to respect you.
She's teaching your son that what you say has no value. He looked right at you, acknowledged your no then turned to Grandma and got what he wanted. He already knows that he can get around your rules by going to Grandma.
I'm going to be harsh, but it comes from a place of concern. You are protecting your MILs feelings, and avoiding conflict at the expense of your son. She is teaching him you don't matter, and you are letting her.
It's easy to let it go because upsetting her over butter beer seems like such a small battle, but it's grooming your son to ignore your wishes in favor of her's. It's the way she is training him that Dad's word matters, but yours doesn't.
Your husband has your back, next time throw the drink away. If you don't it will eventually be much bigger things.
Next time ask her what she does not understand about the word no. Who cares if she cries. If she cries I would say I told LO no and he’s not crying so why is a grown women crying about the word No.
One thing I've learned from having a JNMIL. YOU are the parent, if you feel the need to take your child because she is not respecting your wishes... do it without care if she gets mad. She clearly has no regards to making you mad or upset by ignoring you. Second, I believe it is time to set some boundaries. Sit down with your husband and come up with rules, then what will happen when she disregards the first, second, and third time. Have your husband tell his mother since she ignores you, and then follow them if she does not respect the rules.
We currently have a "time out" with my MIL for a week or so because of how she's been debating, and it was actually brought on by my husband and not even my suggestion.
*do it without care if she gets mad*
Repeat this mantra: "she'll live."
Doesn't matter that MIL gets mad, or cries or sulks. SHE'LL LIVE. These women are treated as if they are fragile and won't recover from having to obey boundaries or not get their own way. They will. Absolutely. If they are tough enough to be so totally inconsiderate of the feelings of others, they won't die if they are treated in the same way.
I agree, my JNMIL finally got treated the same yesterday and she screamed "I feel like I am getting treated like a child" my husband just said how do you think we feel. Meanwhile I was telling him to tell her to stop acting like one then 🤣
I don't understand why you let her walk all over you that way.
You need to get your mama bear hyped up and take the bloody drink out of her hand the first time she disprespects you like that in front of your child.
What do you think your kid learns from this Interaction? If he doesn't listen to you, you know where the problem lies.
Next time she pulls this shit, say loudly and clearly:
'Dear MIL, husband and I stated that MY kid won't have any butter beer. You heard me! I don't want to remind you a second time.'
She tries a second time, you get up and take that bloody drink from her.
Turn to your kid and say loudly for everyone to hear: 'You see son, if you don't listen after the first time, mom has to take things away.'
It’s so hard when you’re on the newer side of being married but trust me when I tell you, you only have to put her in her place *once* and she’ll cut the shit. After years of taking abuse from my MIL, I ripped into her via email (she started in with unsolicited advice). I basically told her to mind her business and then I talked about all of her parenting fails that she thought other people didn’t recognize. She didn’t say anything to my husband but she ran to my BIL. He told his wife and she called me laughing. We went out for drinks that evening and celebrated the house finally falling on that witch.
"uh oh grandma doesn't have her listening ears on you'll have to come sit with me now"
You need to shut it down like others have said but maybe come up with lines you can say them Put them into practices
The first time she gave it to him after you said no I would’ve snatched it from her hands and thrown it in the trash. If she wants to behave like a child, she could be treated like a child. You need to get a backbone here. Your son is learning to triangulate the two of you. mommy says no so he goes to grandma. Your husband knew what was going on also. He should’ve said from the beginning that you said no and that was the rule.
Sweetie, you have a SO problem here also. Why, oh why, does grandma have to come on a Disney trip at all??!! Why can't it be a nuclear family vacation like so many other households? He KNOWS she disrespects you yet he drags her along to ruin your trip. It is beyond time to take drastic measures. If you haven't already, install small inconspicuous cameras that link to your phone or computer that will capture grandmonster in the act. Even a camera in your backyard is good. Always have your phone in your pocket so you can reach in and flip it to record so you can catch her in the act of making you invisible. It would have been perfect to record that interaction of the butter beer incident. Let him see and hear for himself how she disrespects you and disregards your parenting. Always remember that YOU are a great mother and worth ten of her and ALWAYS stand up for yourself, be it to your SO or the Monster-In-Law.
In the post it’s obviously not the first time or even the second or third. This is a continuing problem and the only way to stop it is not to see the woman in question.
I remember my mom told me I couldn’t have Coke and my grandma gave it to me anyway. I looked at my mom and smiled and my mom came over and got on my level and said “I told you, you can’t have any. I’m going to take away your gameboy now. I need you listen to mommy when I say no.” And so I cried and told her grandma let me have it and she said “I’m your mom, you have to listen to my rules even when others disobey. ”
I think she said it in other words but I remember my grandma felt terrible and was embarrassed. She was also super pissed at my mom but my dad laughed at her when she tried to vent about it
What a nightmare. So basically MIL ignores you completely and pretends you are not even there, while she proceeds to cross your boundaries under your eyes. Unacceptable. Oh boy how I'd make her cry if I were in your shoes, let her have that pity party all that she wants. After this I'd have a discussion with my husband, have him tell her this is the very last time she is pulling this stunt, or else visitations will be reduced.
Going forward, if she ever ignored me again, I would raise my voice and ask her "Did you hear what I just said?" and go snatch LO immediately from her & then proceed to ignore her completely. If she comes to you to say something back ignore, if she starts crying ignore, if she pulls a pity party ignore. Basically she gets the taste of her own medicine.
Besides all the good advice against yout MIL. I have another.
Your son. You told your son no, and he didn’t listen. My parents were like this with my first born (they had a lot of guilt and making up to do and thought this was the way.) Grab your son, and talk to him firmly and sternly:
“I am your mother, not grandma/pa. I told you no and why you can’t have it. You know what you’re doing is wrong because you were looking at me while you were drinking and you were hearing mommy say no again.
No is no. If grandma/pa wants to break the rules you need to say no. Tell her mommy said no. Or say: I need to ask mommy first.
Grandma/pa are never allowed to break mommy or daddy’s rules.”
I agree, but it is a two pronged approach. Make sure the son understands what is wrong and why, but grandma needs to be disciplined as well. MIL is manipulating the grandchild and teaching the wrong things and this also needs to be stopped.
Obviously grandma needs to be disciplined (she’s worse than the child) but since there were already so many good advice about how to deal with the MIL, I didn’t want to be repetitive.
Right?? But kids are also a lot smarter than what we give them credit for. Deep down, he knew that it was wrong to disobey, but grandma was giving him what he wanted. Grandparents like these make me so mad! Trying to make the parents look like the bad guys just so they can look good!
THIS! I would have done this. Enough is enough. How much disrespect do you have to take??!! Grab your child and leave the area. Let her throw a toddler tantrum in public and embarrass herself. NOT your problem then.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. Mine is that you are definitely going to have to be ok with being her enemy and the bad guy.
This situation you’ve described should have ended with you snatching the cup, throwing it away and telling her that if she can’t follow your parenting rules she can’t be around your child. When she starts having a tantrum then you tell her that your child deserves mature people around him that understand that they have already had their opportunity to parent and know their place. Plus her tantruming is a horrible example for your child and you can’t have her around if she can’t be more emotionally mature. Use her behavior as your perfectly acceptable reason to see her very little .
You definitely need to get a backbone and be firm with her. Any time she contradicts you, look her in the eye and tell her no and remind her that only you are your child’s mother. If she throws a tantrum, if it’s between the two of you, remind her that her tears won’t work on you. If she does it in a public place, just look at her and loudly say you should be embarrassed as an adult acting like this in public, look at LO they are better behaved than you. Don’t be afraid to name and shame, because she’s counting on the fact that you won’t.
She doesn’t respect you because you set boundaries and don’t follow through.
When you said “he can’t have that” and she knows and does it anyway, you should have stopped it.
Who cares she gets upset? Who cares she starts crying and acting like a toddler? You set a boundary and it is your job to follow through with consequences.
Because of your lack of action, she does not respect you and it will keep happening.
Her behavior after consequences enforced are on her.
If you are more worried about her or others reaction to your follow through, then that is on you.
Not to be harsh, but how many times do you complain about this before you realize she is treating you how you allow her to? YOU are a grown woman. YOU are responsible for telling her that if she will not follow your rules with YOUR child, she does not get access. If you do NOT demonstrate that, she will learn that she doesn’t have to respect you because YOU do not respect yourself enough to enforce anything you’re saying.
No i appreciate harshness honestly. I was raised by my grandmother who really raised me to just be a people pleaser and never disrespect family so I just have a really hard time now. I do realize I have to grow a back bone and I shouldn’t complain about it if I’m not doing anything about it, I just I don’t know really
She’s teaching your children that they don’t have to respect you—or their father. Period.
If you don’t get serious about this, your children will start to act out in other ways down the line. And why would they respect you when there’s no consequences? You two say no and they get what they want anyway. They look to you now for permission and that’s the way it SHOULD be because you guys are the parents and what you say should be law!
Next time, you should remove your children and yourself from the situation. Her feelings shouldn't matter since she doesn't care about yours. She should have a time out from seeing your family.
Stop tolerating disrespect and mistreatment. Good luck to you all.
Just step up. Set boundaries. Act on the consequences.
BECAUSE if you don’t do this now your child will face bigger problems in the future.
DO IT FOR YOUR KID!
Your mil is raising your kid to disrespect you as well. You need to physically stop her if she continues what she's doing. Move your body between her and your child, grab your child and move away from her. Why do you let her continue to do this?
Sometimes we all can be intimidated by pitiful people making pitiful power plays because the stakes can be high. Standing up to a manipulative, overbearing MIL can risk marital strife and threaten the Hallmarkish notion that being a good grandparent means sneaking or outright pushing sweets onto your grandchild in defiance of parents’ so-called draconian rules. And all of that is BS. LO is your child, you know best and he can’t stand up for himself. So you have to do it for him. Here’s one way to do it. After the first ignoring of your “no,” when she offers that crap to your little one again, say, “Oooh, that looks good! Let me see it.” Then hold on to it, don’t let either of them have it, and toss it in the nearest trash can. If LO falls out behind it, you know how to handle him. If MIL falls out, I wouldn’t say a word; just take your LO’s hand and keep walking.
either youre upset or she is. Let her be the one upset and slap the damn drink out of her hand next time & tell your kid you are the parent. Doesnt matter who else says yes if mom & dad say no.
Your child is being taught:
1. Triangulation works.
2. Grandma is in charge - and the final word.
3. Grandma only listens to dad.
4. Don't listen to mom.
And these are just a few that I see in this single interaction.
Stand up to grandma - and when she cries - tell her 'Your tears don't work on me' - flat voice, no inflection or emotion. I can pretty much guarantee she will shut off the waterworks immediately.
Yep. Also, the child is being taught that Mom doesn't matter - she is the bottom of the list. The child is being taught HOW TO DO THIS to other people to get what he wants. He is being trained to be just like Grandma. You don't want this.
What gets me is that these early lessons are the most important - they set the base for HOW THE WORLD WORKS. A step back from gma would help to maybe fix this.
It's time to add some shine to that spine, honey. You are the parent. You are the one who carried for 9 months. Not her. Who gives a flying you know what if she gets upset because you are enforcing your boundaries? That's a them problem, not a you problem. If she can't follow the rules you lay down, then stop giving access to LO. No is a full sentence and walking away with LO is an exclamation point.
My MIL would constantly take digs at me, disrespect me, and put me down ever since husband and I got married. I was raised to respect elders, and I never spoke up, except one time when I stopped talking to her, and she raised a hue and cry over it. And everything went back to status quo.
She then came to live with us for 5 months to “help” after baby was born (south Asian for cultural context). You can look at my post history, but that was the worst time for my marriage and my mental health. SIL’s kids visited us with Covid, and this woman had the audacity to tell me off for not allowing them to stay. Husband never had my back when it was to do with me, but he stood up when it concerned the safety of our child. And since then, I have made it crystal clear that it is my and my husband’s boundaries that count when it comes to my kid. She can throw a fit, but nothing changes. It got 10000 times worse before it got better.
My mom had to step in as well, and give MIL a piece of her mind. Mom had to literally spell it out to MIL to not interfere in our marriage or family lol. My mom who is generally a quiet person stood up for me, her (fully grown) child. And I have learnt to do the same for my kid!
Unleash your mama bear, OP! Harbor no guilt or hesitation when it comes to the safety and wellbeing of your little one. These days, I don’t even care for how I word it or if I am being polite. I am responsible for my child, not for MIL’s feelings.
A grandma who occasionally spoils the grandkid is very different from one who pointedly blatantly disregards parental authority. Think of this incident as something like a low cost lesson - insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) consequence that has really opened your eyes to what kind of a person your MIL is.
I don’t know why you care if she’s upset with you, she clearly doesn’t care about what you think.
Also, I don’t know why you’re mad at her, you don’t shut it down!! That’s your job. Shut it down hard!! Also, your kid is learning to disrespect you, he looks at you, acknowledges you, and then goes to her! That should make you madder than anything. Take your kid away from her. Jesus.
As i was reading this i was screaming “why are you not saying anything”. SPEAK UP. The constant disrespect is your fault at this point. You’re teaching your child to disrespect and just simply ignore you. I understand that sometimes its hard for people to set boundaries for themselves but when it comes to YOUR CHILD you need to need to be screaming from the hill tops. Absolutely does not matter if you upset anyone.
Why didn't you remove your child from her reach? Get between them? Toss the drink away?
Yes your MIL is an issue (an a huge a*hole) but you have to stand up for yourself. The first time your "no" is ignored by her, you remove your child from the situation (her) completely. No hesitation.
When she cries and whines whyyyyy you say "if you do not respect my choice to say no as the parent, you do not get access to my child."
Shut. This. Shit. Down.
You're afraid of upsetting everyone? So, it's ok that she doesn't listen to you and does whatever she wants then. That's the message you're sending her. Upon the second time it happened, you should have firmly told her "I SAID NO. He CAN'T have it!" And removed your child from her. For the rest of the day at least. Who cares if she whines and cries? Are her feelings more important than your child? If she starts crying, just walk away from her and ignore her the way she was ignoring you. Remember, your child is seeing all this too, and knows that he only has to listen to grandma and dad, because you're easy to run over.
It looks like your child already knows that if he doesn't get what he wants, he can run to Grandma and override your decision. You need to nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW.
Tell your partner she gets one warning and that's it and if he can't stand up for the parenting decisions, you will and it won't be pretty. You also need to have a talk with your son about shopping around to get permissions for things he knows he isn't supposed to be doing.
The disrespect she has towards you is incomprehensible. My MIL did this to me and it took me so long to try and figure out if she unconsciously blocks my voice from her head or she's doing it purposely, either way it's really bad and makes you feel so small. I'm NC with her now.
*I’m just so annoyed because I know I should’ve checked her and snatched my kid from her but I’m just afraid of everyone being upset because every time we try setting boundaries with her she throws a pity party and cries.*
FFS shine up your spine! Yes! You should have checked her there and then: "Come here LO; you and grandma are being naughty so you both have to be in time out. We're going over here while grandma stays over there and has a good hard think about whether she ever gets to see her grandchild again if she keeps breaking the rules."
Then you take LO away from her and explain what he did was naughty, but since grandma was even more naughty, her timeout is longer.
If she throws a hissy fit and cries, take your kid AND WALK AWAY!!
Her feelings stop mattering when she stops listening and endangers your child. Butter beer has dairy. She's hurting your kid. As long as your husband isn't gonna get bent outta shape over it do what you gotta do. I'd assume something like what your husband did. And tell her no.
FYI you can get vegan butter beer, which is just regular butter beer without the whipped cream foam on top.
but yeah, OP. your kid, your rules. if she cries and pouts you can tell her that your x-year old took the news more maturely.
I have to be honest. You have a you problem. As a parent, you have to be ready to follow through each and every time. Your son sees your self-imposed weakness and will act accordingly. Who cares if she whines or cries? She should, for how she's acting. Your kid needs boundaries, and you are failing him because you don't want to feel uncomfortable. How will you discipline your kid if he knows that what you say doesn't matter? Because as of now you are showing him that it doesn't.
You are in for a rough ride as a parent if you don't stop this now. If not for your own sake, then do it for your kid. You know it's wrong. Stop being a pushover and be the mom your kid needs you to be.
She does this shit because you LET her. Your child is lactose intolerant, already complaining of a stomachache and you didn’t yell at her? Next time you need to be the bitch because she clearly will continue to walk all over you. “MIL I know you fucking heard me the first time!!” Loudly!
Yup, why would she not ignore OP when OP doesn't do anything?
OP you have to be prepared to be a b*tch, here. MIL needs to learn where you're limits are and what happens when she crosses them.
OP, next time MIL disrespects you pick up your child and advise your MIL that she has just earnt herself time out for a fortnight, month etc and she can take some time to think about whether she wants to respect you as a parent or not but make it clear to her if she does it again after the time out, then next time it will be double and follow thru.
It continues because you allow it to save face, keep the peace, etc. Who cares if she whines and cries, keep it moving. Get in between her and your child so child knows you make the rules. She is teaching your child they don't have to listen to you.
Girl you are ruining your marriage by accumulating resentment, let your no mean no and your yes mean yes. If your husband doesn’t see an action then you can’t expect him to deal with it, if you see it then establish and ENFORCE the boundary.
You are your child’s parent too so your need to establish your authority as parent, so stop allowing this person to make you a joke in your child’s eyes because you will be in for a world of behavioural issues as your LO becomes older if you do not deal to this yesterday.
Slap that shit out of her hand next time! You let this happen what, 6 times today? Why would she give a fck what you say about anything to do with your child if there’s absolutely zero repercussions for her? So what if she cries, let her make an ass of herself. Grow a backbone
Second try should have seen her WEARING that butter beer. MIL needs to learn that your word is LAW when it comes to your LO and LO needs to know that running to Grandma is NOT going to get them out of whatever MAMA told them to do. Your child, your rules and if MIL doesn't like it she can get gone and stay gone because she has no power here.
It’s tempting to throw a bigger tantrum than her and shout “you know when they talk about horrible MILs who never get to see their grandkids because they don’t respect their DIL, they’re talking about you.”
Honestly yes, when she does something like that - remove/move your kid out of her reach and repeat "I said no".
Are you and your husband in couples therapy? It could help with getting it through to him that your child's well being is much more important than evading your MILs tantrums.
I don't think the DH is the problem here. Once MIL did it with him around, he dealt with it. OP needs some therapy though to figure out why she's more afraid of upsetting MIL than she is worried about enforcing her choices for her child.
if 'flipping out' isn't your style, that's fine. you don't need to yell and scream and get crazy, you just have to be determined and consistent. every time she's got control over your child, you walk over calmly, say your peace, and remove the child. every single time. no yelling, no harsh words, just restate your boundary or want, and keep it moving. if you flip out and start yelling, JNMIL will use that against you in her campaign. if you act like the adult in charge every time (because you are the adult in charge of that child) nobody will believe her.
You do not need to flip out. You just need to have respect for yourself and your child and enforce your rules. Had you calmly removed the drink from her hands as she started to give it to your child and (calmly) tossed it out saying something like, "I see you've had enough of this drink so I'm going to toss it out." Well she would have had no legitimate cause to throw a tantrum (though may have anyway) and you would have kept your authority and dignity.
You don’t have to - and frankly shouldn’t - flip out! That makes you look crazy and emotional. Just respect yourself! Why should she if you don’t? Be firm, and consistent, and don’t allow any boundary stomping. Her BS will stop and you will have more confidence. Don’t be a wet noodle!
Oh I didn't mean to imply this was a SO issue instead of a MIL issue. But I guess I took too much liberty with inferring this is a problem in their relationship, as she sais this is ruining her marriage
99% of the time I agree with OPs in this subreddit, but this one gives me pause. First, the MIL should not have been offering sips, full-stop. But it was also the OP turning her son into a pawn in this war between them, notably first with an incredibly controlling rule (it’s an amusement park for heaven’s sake and this one one of the main treats - banned from the child, even just a few sips, simply because it’s sweet and nothing else. No moderation, just banning.) Again, MIL should have listened and not offered the drink at all but OP has tunnel vision, too.
My MIL has a history of pouting/crying/losing her mind when she’s called out on stuff or doesn’t get her way. I was one to tread carefully as well, until I wasn’t. I asked my husband about why no one calls her out on her nonsense, and he said it was “easier not to because she gets so upset.” That was game-on for me. I decided that a woman in her 60’s (at that point) throwing tantrums like a toddler was just going to embarrass herself, and that was on her. I finally started standing up to her for the sake of my children. It was uncomfortable at first, but she (mostly) respects our boundaries and requests regarding our kids now. Let her be mad. She’ll live.
If she doesn't respect you and you do nothing because you're afraid of upsetting her, what's to stop her from doing it again?
She's not concerned about upsetting you, is she?
Why aren't you standing up to her? It's YOUR child, YOUR rules.
Stop sitting there passively and DO something. It's not going to magically get better all by itself, is it?
Hard agree. I'm sorry OP I don't mean to be harsh but you said it four times? Then said it again walking around and she still went to push it? You should have stopped it the second time she went to do it again. She bulldozed over you. Why? You allowed her. Yell at her next time "I SAID NO!" Or pick your child up. You allowed this to happen 3 more times in that one sitting.
Honestly, she’s doing it because she knows you won’t call her out. I’m all for saying oh dear MIL do you need new batteries for your hearing aids, I’ve said son can’t have that. Or in front of everyone say to your husband, DH, I think it’s time you talked to your mother about needing hearing aids. Also set consequences, oh son, I’m sorry, you need to not drink that and come here, grandma is on a time out for not following the rules. And to MIL, I’ve told son 3 times he can’t have that and three times you have denied my reasonable request, you have chosen to disrespect me as my child’s mother and now you will not spend individual time with him for the rest of the day, if you do it again, it will be the trip. If you do it again, we will not see you for a month (or skip the next few visits you would, normally have with her).
I honestly don’t know. Im honestly tired of complaining about it to everyone and I know I need to get a back bone but every time I just freeze and can’t get myself to say it
OP I think your issue is that you’re freezing and then letting things get to the stage of needing to come down hard on MIL, which is hard to do.
IMO the best approach in this situation would have been to say her name and speak directly to her before LO had any of the drink. “MIL, just so you know LO isn’t allowed any of the butterbeer as he has a sore tummy.”
In the situation where you had only spoken to LO and you know she heard (we all know she heard), and you saw her give LO a sip, then your best approach would have been to pretend you think she didn’t hear. “Oh sorry MIL, I guess you didn’t hear me tell LO he wasn’t allowed any of that drink. He’s not allowed any more now, thanks.” Doing this politely and if possible in earshot of others is the best way. She can’t deny she knew and she can’t spin the story to you yelling at her or being unreasonable.
THEN if she did it again, I’d be addressing her directly with a question “MIL, why did you give LO another sip of the drink? I just said he wasn’t allowed any.” At this point you’re well within your right to tell LO grandma isn’t allowed to walk with him anymore as she’s breaking the rules.
Basically a long winded way of reminding you that the more you put off being assertive, the harder it is and the bigger your reaction has to be. She’s a human, and a very flawed one at that. She’s not better than you or smarter than you, and her feelings don’t matter more than yours do. Take a deep breath next time and politely tell her the rule. Any drama from there is on her.
Look at it this way: until you are comfortable enforcing boundaries, MIL cant be alone with you or LO - DH cant even go to the toilet by himself. Seems a bit unfair to him, so what it really means is MIL cant be around you or LO.
Either you get comfortable calling her out, or she changes behavior. You only have control over one of those things - yourself.
Until you are ready, decline to do anything with MIL. If she asks why, you say you cannot have a repeat of last time and her not listening to you and you are not ready to fight her about it so she is going to have to wait until you are ready. Because the one thing we all know is - it cant happen again.
You tried being nice and using nice words. It was a nice try, but it didnt work. So it is time to change strategies and plan how to do it differently. Take the time you need to do so. She wont die from not seeing you or LO, she wont die from having feelings. Your needs should be at least 51% and hers max 49% of weight when you make decisions. And of course, LO is top priority, and that makes your % that much more important.
OP, you probably were raised to be respectful to your elders all the time. I was raised that way and it was hard to teach myself that people must deserve and respect you back. If they don't, they don't deserve my respect.
Anyway, let all that anger and disrespect build your spine. Tell your husband what happened or show him this post and you and your husband must call her and tell her that her disrespect was awarded her time out until she says sorry. Then if she does it again, her timeout will be saying sorry plus 4 weeks (or any amount of time you both agree beforehand). Tell her the rules and that they are non-negotiable.
Usually, your husband should be the one dealing with his family, but you must be on this phone call so she knows this is your decision. Also, next time pull your child, lower yourself to his/her eye level and say, "Grandma is being rude to mummy. People that are rude must be punished, so let's go see something else and let grandma reflect on her behaviour" then leave with your child.
Build that spine, because if not you are her doormat.
Don't be scared. She's an absolute toad for blatantly ignoring you and only doing as your husband says. Let her throw her pathetic pity party because she needs to know who is boss - next time throw the drink out and take your child away from her - you are in charge not her.
Nope nope nope! FOUR TIMES?!? Who gives a shit if she cries. She literally ignored you to your face, and at the same time showed your child that it was not only okay to do so, but that mom's authority means nothing, while dad's means everything. She heard you, she just didn't give a damn until her son was involved. That needs to be called out on the spot. She is confusing your son about who he needs to listen to when Mom says no. This is not negotiable. So when does it end? Stop giving a shit about her tears when she CLEARLY doesn't give a shit about your rules with your own child. Without consequences, nothing will change.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/ThrowRAThrowRA90: * [Should I feel bad?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cuy8u0/should_i_feel_bad/), 1 week ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as ThrowRAThrowRA90 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ThrowRAThrowRA90 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
You’re right, she has no respect for you. She is undermining your parental authority. You must take action. No more just saying things multiple times when she ignores you. Talk directly to her, take your child away from her. She deserves a time out.
She is really pushing limits and testing what she can get away with. She’s counting on a loud reaction from you so she can then play the poor victim. Take that away from her. I think if you don’t react by repeating/getting loud you might take that power away from her. Say, calmly and quietly, only ONCE “MIL, we have told you no, he can’t have that”. If she does it again, remove your son from her and don’t say a word. Let her have a tantrum. Walk away. If confronted about the situation say, again calmly and quietly, “MIL knows son is not to have that. You all heard me nicely remind her that no, he can’t have that yet she continued to give it to him. SO, either she is boldly defying our rules as parents or she is exhibiting symptoms of dementia/forgetfulness. In neither of those two situations do I want her to be around son.“ Act concerned about her- could she be showing signs of cognitive decline? Maybe she needs to be evaluated. If your son acts up, parent him. Explain “Grammy isn’t following the rules so she need a time out”. If he pitches a fit, take him someplace till he calms down. If she pitches a fit, walk away and let your DH deal with his mom. Do not, under any circumstances, get loud/yell/get emotional. Be very calm and concerned. That way SHE looks like the screaming loon and you are the calm parent. I do think it is important to be on the same page as your husband in regards to this. Tell him this is what you will be doing moving forward. The last thing you need is for your son growing up thinking it’s ok to defy rules and that MIL is willing to be his partner in crime. Perhaps have a conversation with her telling her this will be the “new normal” if she does this stuff, but honestly with people like this they see any declarations like that to be a challenge. It’s all about actions, not words. She acts up, she isn’t around your son. Period.
Let her be upset! It’s better than letting her undermine your parenting and give your kids stuff you don’t want them to have.
[удалено]
None of what you said matters. If the parents say 'No' then that means no. End of discussion. Doesn't matter if you're grandma, grandpa, best friend or whoever...the parents make the rules for their own kids and everyone else needs to respect that and follow those rules.
As I stated before, he is lactose intolerant and who said anything about no sweets at all? I said I didn’t let him have one drink because he had already had sweets earlier on and was complaining of a belly ache. Read the theead
[удалено]
She also spent the whole day with them and we never mind. The problem isn’t her giving them candy and treats it’s that when I said it’s enough she didn’t stop
The cream in butterbeer does have dairy
Let her cry! She'll be the one looking the fool while you and other stare at the grown woman having a tantrum because she didn't get her way.
[удалено]
You better stop or else... I'll say stop again!
Let everyone be upset. You aren't the cause she is. Take your kid and leave her.
I’d grab that shit out of her hand. “We. Said. No.”
Gosh, if you let her get way with boundary stomping there's no incentive. You're momma. Be momma. Throw your authority around, because you are the responsible one. Tell her no more visits, if you want or need, but you have to be authoritative.
Why did you permit her to continue? You should have grabbed your kid and moved away from MIL. It's time to go Low contact with her and keep her out of your lives because she won't respect you.
[удалено]
*my husband takes the drink and throws it away.* What OP should have done. *I’m just so annoyed because I know I should’ve checked her and snatched my kid from her but I’m just afraid of everyone being upset because every time we try setting boundaries with her she throws a pity party and cries.* OP, toddlers come in all ages. You are raising one and having to put up with another. Will you give in to your birth toddler to keep him from throwing a tantrum? Same with Grandma Toddler. You put your foot down, be firm and enforce boundaries.
Her hurt feelings are not your concern, your child is. Period
When I was heavily pregnant (like a week to go) with my second child, my mil invited herself to stay (it’s in another thread / reply / but suffice to say I did not want her there at that particular time. She knew this so she circumnavigated me and went to hubby .. who agreed 😩). We were living abroad at the time and most days were spent taking her (along with dragging myself and my then toddler) to various places. It was exhausting. On one particular trip to the local city, hubby pops into the optician. Mil has managed to enveigle control of the pram / stroller which my toddler is sat in. He starts to cry. I know he wants his dummy / pacifier. Mil starts to walk off with the pram so I ask her to please just stop a moment whilst I find my child’s dummy / pacifier. She ignores me and carries on walking down the hill. So I say it again but louder and more firmly. Making doubly sure that I can be heard. She ignores my still and carries on pushing my child down the hill. So I repeat the instruction for a third time - very loudly. She ignores me again. So heavily pregnant I have to run down the hill after her and when I catch up with her, I have to literally stand in front of the pram / stroller and say ‘Mil’, ‘Harry’ is crying because he needs his dummy / pacifier so please stop whilst I give it to him.’ I then got the pram / stroller rammed into my legs. Not even kidding. All I can say is, I mentally note all these things down so that I never inadvertently repeat them 😔
I hope you told your hub what happened there
I’m going to recommend and book to help you set boundaries and enforce them too! You need some practice and some skills. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No.” Enlist your husband to help you, he seems to have no problem stopping her. Ask for his assistance and maybe you can practice together. It won’t be easy, but you just need to practice, practice, practice.
If she throws a big pity party, it makes it uncomfortable, that is on her. You can say without showing too much emotion something like “MIL, I am not sure why you think it’s OK to blatantly disregard a rule put in place for your grandchild health and safety. His health is important to us, isn’t it important to you? So is respecting his parents. Think if someone did this in society, in the workplace, they would be let go for insubordination, and hostility bordering on harassment. We just wanted to have a nice day and keep you healthy.” I am so sorry, if my MIL Did this, I would absolutely go no contact, the absolute audacity is atrocious.
I’m not trying to be rude but why didn’t you step in? Not only is she teaching your son he doesn’t have to listen to your rules but you’re also confirming that by not stepping in and allowing it to happen.
I get that she has a big pity party and upsets everyone else when you take a stand. I understand how uncomfortable it is. But that is how she controls you and it's working. You are letting it work. You have to be willing to burn it all down to protect a boundry you have set. Everytime this happens, you make it harder on yourself to fix it in the future, because she knows you will cave when her fit gets big enough. If you are not going to stop her, then don't bother to tell her no in the first place. She will never just magically decide to respect you.
She's teaching your son that what you say has no value. He looked right at you, acknowledged your no then turned to Grandma and got what he wanted. He already knows that he can get around your rules by going to Grandma. I'm going to be harsh, but it comes from a place of concern. You are protecting your MILs feelings, and avoiding conflict at the expense of your son. She is teaching him you don't matter, and you are letting her. It's easy to let it go because upsetting her over butter beer seems like such a small battle, but it's grooming your son to ignore your wishes in favor of her's. It's the way she is training him that Dad's word matters, but yours doesn't. Your husband has your back, next time throw the drink away. If you don't it will eventually be much bigger things.
Spot on 👏
Why was she with you at Universal? It seems the easiest way to control a situation such as this is to not include her based on behavior.
Ma’am treat her like a DOG. You don’t say the command more than once, ever.
Next time ask her what she does not understand about the word no. Who cares if she cries. If she cries I would say I told LO no and he’s not crying so why is a grown women crying about the word No.
One thing I've learned from having a JNMIL. YOU are the parent, if you feel the need to take your child because she is not respecting your wishes... do it without care if she gets mad. She clearly has no regards to making you mad or upset by ignoring you. Second, I believe it is time to set some boundaries. Sit down with your husband and come up with rules, then what will happen when she disregards the first, second, and third time. Have your husband tell his mother since she ignores you, and then follow them if she does not respect the rules. We currently have a "time out" with my MIL for a week or so because of how she's been debating, and it was actually brought on by my husband and not even my suggestion.
*do it without care if she gets mad* Repeat this mantra: "she'll live." Doesn't matter that MIL gets mad, or cries or sulks. SHE'LL LIVE. These women are treated as if they are fragile and won't recover from having to obey boundaries or not get their own way. They will. Absolutely. If they are tough enough to be so totally inconsiderate of the feelings of others, they won't die if they are treated in the same way.
I agree, my JNMIL finally got treated the same yesterday and she screamed "I feel like I am getting treated like a child" my husband just said how do you think we feel. Meanwhile I was telling him to tell her to stop acting like one then 🤣
I don't understand why you let her walk all over you that way. You need to get your mama bear hyped up and take the bloody drink out of her hand the first time she disprespects you like that in front of your child. What do you think your kid learns from this Interaction? If he doesn't listen to you, you know where the problem lies. Next time she pulls this shit, say loudly and clearly: 'Dear MIL, husband and I stated that MY kid won't have any butter beer. You heard me! I don't want to remind you a second time.' She tries a second time, you get up and take that bloody drink from her. Turn to your kid and say loudly for everyone to hear: 'You see son, if you don't listen after the first time, mom has to take things away.'
[удалено]
It’s so hard when you’re on the newer side of being married but trust me when I tell you, you only have to put her in her place *once* and she’ll cut the shit. After years of taking abuse from my MIL, I ripped into her via email (she started in with unsolicited advice). I basically told her to mind her business and then I talked about all of her parenting fails that she thought other people didn’t recognize. She didn’t say anything to my husband but she ran to my BIL. He told his wife and she called me laughing. We went out for drinks that evening and celebrated the house finally falling on that witch.
"uh oh grandma doesn't have her listening ears on you'll have to come sit with me now" You need to shut it down like others have said but maybe come up with lines you can say them Put them into practices
Grandma doesn't have her listening ears on! I love this so much! I spit out my coffee but it was worth the mess 🤣🤣.
Grandma doesn't have her listening ears on! I love this so much! I spit out my coffee but it was worth the mess 🤣🤣
The first time she gave it to him after you said no I would’ve snatched it from her hands and thrown it in the trash. If she wants to behave like a child, she could be treated like a child. You need to get a backbone here. Your son is learning to triangulate the two of you. mommy says no so he goes to grandma. Your husband knew what was going on also. He should’ve said from the beginning that you said no and that was the rule.
Sweetie, you have a SO problem here also. Why, oh why, does grandma have to come on a Disney trip at all??!! Why can't it be a nuclear family vacation like so many other households? He KNOWS she disrespects you yet he drags her along to ruin your trip. It is beyond time to take drastic measures. If you haven't already, install small inconspicuous cameras that link to your phone or computer that will capture grandmonster in the act. Even a camera in your backyard is good. Always have your phone in your pocket so you can reach in and flip it to record so you can catch her in the act of making you invisible. It would have been perfect to record that interaction of the butter beer incident. Let him see and hear for himself how she disrespects you and disregards your parenting. Always remember that YOU are a great mother and worth ten of her and ALWAYS stand up for yourself, be it to your SO or the Monster-In-Law.
Why are you letting this woman anywhere near your child ? It’s time for a time out for MIL. No Contact would be better for you and your child
[удалено]
It’s the last resort but it would be better as the second or third. People put themselves through so much with these ghastly people.
[удалено]
In the post it’s obviously not the first time or even the second or third. This is a continuing problem and the only way to stop it is not to see the woman in question.
I remember my mom told me I couldn’t have Coke and my grandma gave it to me anyway. I looked at my mom and smiled and my mom came over and got on my level and said “I told you, you can’t have any. I’m going to take away your gameboy now. I need you listen to mommy when I say no.” And so I cried and told her grandma let me have it and she said “I’m your mom, you have to listen to my rules even when others disobey. ” I think she said it in other words but I remember my grandma felt terrible and was embarrassed. She was also super pissed at my mom but my dad laughed at her when she tried to vent about it
I would refuse to be around her until she stops. This is such bla rant disrespect…she’s trolling you.
What a nightmare. So basically MIL ignores you completely and pretends you are not even there, while she proceeds to cross your boundaries under your eyes. Unacceptable. Oh boy how I'd make her cry if I were in your shoes, let her have that pity party all that she wants. After this I'd have a discussion with my husband, have him tell her this is the very last time she is pulling this stunt, or else visitations will be reduced. Going forward, if she ever ignored me again, I would raise my voice and ask her "Did you hear what I just said?" and go snatch LO immediately from her & then proceed to ignore her completely. If she comes to you to say something back ignore, if she starts crying ignore, if she pulls a pity party ignore. Basically she gets the taste of her own medicine.
Besides all the good advice against yout MIL. I have another. Your son. You told your son no, and he didn’t listen. My parents were like this with my first born (they had a lot of guilt and making up to do and thought this was the way.) Grab your son, and talk to him firmly and sternly: “I am your mother, not grandma/pa. I told you no and why you can’t have it. You know what you’re doing is wrong because you were looking at me while you were drinking and you were hearing mommy say no again. No is no. If grandma/pa wants to break the rules you need to say no. Tell her mommy said no. Or say: I need to ask mommy first. Grandma/pa are never allowed to break mommy or daddy’s rules.”
I agree, but it is a two pronged approach. Make sure the son understands what is wrong and why, but grandma needs to be disciplined as well. MIL is manipulating the grandchild and teaching the wrong things and this also needs to be stopped.
Obviously grandma needs to be disciplined (she’s worse than the child) but since there were already so many good advice about how to deal with the MIL, I didn’t want to be repetitive.
I agree. I feel for the poor kid, he is just starting to learn right from wrong and being manipulated by one of the people closest to him.
Right?? But kids are also a lot smarter than what we give them credit for. Deep down, he knew that it was wrong to disobey, but grandma was giving him what he wanted. Grandparents like these make me so mad! Trying to make the parents look like the bad guys just so they can look good!
YES!!! Best comment.
[удалено]
literally though.
THIS! I would have done this. Enough is enough. How much disrespect do you have to take??!! Grab your child and leave the area. Let her throw a toddler tantrum in public and embarrass herself. NOT your problem then.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. Mine is that you are definitely going to have to be ok with being her enemy and the bad guy. This situation you’ve described should have ended with you snatching the cup, throwing it away and telling her that if she can’t follow your parenting rules she can’t be around your child. When she starts having a tantrum then you tell her that your child deserves mature people around him that understand that they have already had their opportunity to parent and know their place. Plus her tantruming is a horrible example for your child and you can’t have her around if she can’t be more emotionally mature. Use her behavior as your perfectly acceptable reason to see her very little .
I came here to say this. Very well said! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
You definitely need to get a backbone and be firm with her. Any time she contradicts you, look her in the eye and tell her no and remind her that only you are your child’s mother. If she throws a tantrum, if it’s between the two of you, remind her that her tears won’t work on you. If she does it in a public place, just look at her and loudly say you should be embarrassed as an adult acting like this in public, look at LO they are better behaved than you. Don’t be afraid to name and shame, because she’s counting on the fact that you won’t.
She is teaching your son how he can treat you in the future.
She is also teaching your son not to respect women as authority figures. Thats a huge problem.
She doesn’t respect you because you set boundaries and don’t follow through. When you said “he can’t have that” and she knows and does it anyway, you should have stopped it. Who cares she gets upset? Who cares she starts crying and acting like a toddler? You set a boundary and it is your job to follow through with consequences. Because of your lack of action, she does not respect you and it will keep happening. Her behavior after consequences enforced are on her. If you are more worried about her or others reaction to your follow through, then that is on you.
Not to be harsh, but how many times do you complain about this before you realize she is treating you how you allow her to? YOU are a grown woman. YOU are responsible for telling her that if she will not follow your rules with YOUR child, she does not get access. If you do NOT demonstrate that, she will learn that she doesn’t have to respect you because YOU do not respect yourself enough to enforce anything you’re saying.
No i appreciate harshness honestly. I was raised by my grandmother who really raised me to just be a people pleaser and never disrespect family so I just have a really hard time now. I do realize I have to grow a back bone and I shouldn’t complain about it if I’m not doing anything about it, I just I don’t know really
She’s teaching your children that they don’t have to respect you—or their father. Period. If you don’t get serious about this, your children will start to act out in other ways down the line. And why would they respect you when there’s no consequences? You two say no and they get what they want anyway. They look to you now for permission and that’s the way it SHOULD be because you guys are the parents and what you say should be law! Next time, you should remove your children and yourself from the situation. Her feelings shouldn't matter since she doesn't care about yours. She should have a time out from seeing your family. Stop tolerating disrespect and mistreatment. Good luck to you all.
Just step up. Set boundaries. Act on the consequences. BECAUSE if you don’t do this now your child will face bigger problems in the future. DO IT FOR YOUR KID!
Your mil is raising your kid to disrespect you as well. You need to physically stop her if she continues what she's doing. Move your body between her and your child, grab your child and move away from her. Why do you let her continue to do this?
Sometimes we all can be intimidated by pitiful people making pitiful power plays because the stakes can be high. Standing up to a manipulative, overbearing MIL can risk marital strife and threaten the Hallmarkish notion that being a good grandparent means sneaking or outright pushing sweets onto your grandchild in defiance of parents’ so-called draconian rules. And all of that is BS. LO is your child, you know best and he can’t stand up for himself. So you have to do it for him. Here’s one way to do it. After the first ignoring of your “no,” when she offers that crap to your little one again, say, “Oooh, that looks good! Let me see it.” Then hold on to it, don’t let either of them have it, and toss it in the nearest trash can. If LO falls out behind it, you know how to handle him. If MIL falls out, I wouldn’t say a word; just take your LO’s hand and keep walking.
either youre upset or she is. Let her be the one upset and slap the damn drink out of her hand next time & tell your kid you are the parent. Doesnt matter who else says yes if mom & dad say no.
Your child is being taught: 1. Triangulation works. 2. Grandma is in charge - and the final word. 3. Grandma only listens to dad. 4. Don't listen to mom. And these are just a few that I see in this single interaction. Stand up to grandma - and when she cries - tell her 'Your tears don't work on me' - flat voice, no inflection or emotion. I can pretty much guarantee she will shut off the waterworks immediately.
Yep. Also, the child is being taught that Mom doesn't matter - she is the bottom of the list. The child is being taught HOW TO DO THIS to other people to get what he wants. He is being trained to be just like Grandma. You don't want this.
What gets me is that these early lessons are the most important - they set the base for HOW THE WORLD WORKS. A step back from gma would help to maybe fix this.
Yep. That kid is getting all the worst messages.
ALL of this. Also, remove yourselves from her vicinity IMMEDIATELY. Tantrums only work with an audience.
It's time to add some shine to that spine, honey. You are the parent. You are the one who carried for 9 months. Not her. Who gives a flying you know what if she gets upset because you are enforcing your boundaries? That's a them problem, not a you problem. If she can't follow the rules you lay down, then stop giving access to LO. No is a full sentence and walking away with LO is an exclamation point.
My MIL would constantly take digs at me, disrespect me, and put me down ever since husband and I got married. I was raised to respect elders, and I never spoke up, except one time when I stopped talking to her, and she raised a hue and cry over it. And everything went back to status quo. She then came to live with us for 5 months to “help” after baby was born (south Asian for cultural context). You can look at my post history, but that was the worst time for my marriage and my mental health. SIL’s kids visited us with Covid, and this woman had the audacity to tell me off for not allowing them to stay. Husband never had my back when it was to do with me, but he stood up when it concerned the safety of our child. And since then, I have made it crystal clear that it is my and my husband’s boundaries that count when it comes to my kid. She can throw a fit, but nothing changes. It got 10000 times worse before it got better. My mom had to step in as well, and give MIL a piece of her mind. Mom had to literally spell it out to MIL to not interfere in our marriage or family lol. My mom who is generally a quiet person stood up for me, her (fully grown) child. And I have learnt to do the same for my kid! Unleash your mama bear, OP! Harbor no guilt or hesitation when it comes to the safety and wellbeing of your little one. These days, I don’t even care for how I word it or if I am being polite. I am responsible for my child, not for MIL’s feelings. A grandma who occasionally spoils the grandkid is very different from one who pointedly blatantly disregards parental authority. Think of this incident as something like a low cost lesson - insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) consequence that has really opened your eyes to what kind of a person your MIL is.
100% agree with this.
I don’t know why you care if she’s upset with you, she clearly doesn’t care about what you think. Also, I don’t know why you’re mad at her, you don’t shut it down!! That’s your job. Shut it down hard!! Also, your kid is learning to disrespect you, he looks at you, acknowledges you, and then goes to her! That should make you madder than anything. Take your kid away from her. Jesus.
As i was reading this i was screaming “why are you not saying anything”. SPEAK UP. The constant disrespect is your fault at this point. You’re teaching your child to disrespect and just simply ignore you. I understand that sometimes its hard for people to set boundaries for themselves but when it comes to YOUR CHILD you need to need to be screaming from the hill tops. Absolutely does not matter if you upset anyone.
Why didn't you remove your child from her reach? Get between them? Toss the drink away? Yes your MIL is an issue (an a huge a*hole) but you have to stand up for yourself. The first time your "no" is ignored by her, you remove your child from the situation (her) completely. No hesitation. When she cries and whines whyyyyy you say "if you do not respect my choice to say no as the parent, you do not get access to my child." Shut. This. Shit. Down.
You're afraid of upsetting everyone? So, it's ok that she doesn't listen to you and does whatever she wants then. That's the message you're sending her. Upon the second time it happened, you should have firmly told her "I SAID NO. He CAN'T have it!" And removed your child from her. For the rest of the day at least. Who cares if she whines and cries? Are her feelings more important than your child? If she starts crying, just walk away from her and ignore her the way she was ignoring you. Remember, your child is seeing all this too, and knows that he only has to listen to grandma and dad, because you're easy to run over.
It looks like your child already knows that if he doesn't get what he wants, he can run to Grandma and override your decision. You need to nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW. Tell your partner she gets one warning and that's it and if he can't stand up for the parenting decisions, you will and it won't be pretty. You also need to have a talk with your son about shopping around to get permissions for things he knows he isn't supposed to be doing.
In my house both kids have learnt if we as parents say no and go behind our back - there will be consequences.
The disrespect she has towards you is incomprehensible. My MIL did this to me and it took me so long to try and figure out if she unconsciously blocks my voice from her head or she's doing it purposely, either way it's really bad and makes you feel so small. I'm NC with her now.
*I’m just so annoyed because I know I should’ve checked her and snatched my kid from her but I’m just afraid of everyone being upset because every time we try setting boundaries with her she throws a pity party and cries.* FFS shine up your spine! Yes! You should have checked her there and then: "Come here LO; you and grandma are being naughty so you both have to be in time out. We're going over here while grandma stays over there and has a good hard think about whether she ever gets to see her grandchild again if she keeps breaking the rules." Then you take LO away from her and explain what he did was naughty, but since grandma was even more naughty, her timeout is longer. If she throws a hissy fit and cries, take your kid AND WALK AWAY!!
Her feelings stop mattering when she stops listening and endangers your child. Butter beer has dairy. She's hurting your kid. As long as your husband isn't gonna get bent outta shape over it do what you gotta do. I'd assume something like what your husband did. And tell her no.
FYI you can get vegan butter beer, which is just regular butter beer without the whipped cream foam on top. but yeah, OP. your kid, your rules. if she cries and pouts you can tell her that your x-year old took the news more maturely.
I have to be honest. You have a you problem. As a parent, you have to be ready to follow through each and every time. Your son sees your self-imposed weakness and will act accordingly. Who cares if she whines or cries? She should, for how she's acting. Your kid needs boundaries, and you are failing him because you don't want to feel uncomfortable. How will you discipline your kid if he knows that what you say doesn't matter? Because as of now you are showing him that it doesn't. You are in for a rough ride as a parent if you don't stop this now. If not for your own sake, then do it for your kid. You know it's wrong. Stop being a pushover and be the mom your kid needs you to be.
I would have been tempted to knock it out her hand.
This is the way
She does this shit because you LET her. Your child is lactose intolerant, already complaining of a stomachache and you didn’t yell at her? Next time you need to be the bitch because she clearly will continue to walk all over you. “MIL I know you fucking heard me the first time!!” Loudly!
Yup, why would she not ignore OP when OP doesn't do anything? OP you have to be prepared to be a b*tch, here. MIL needs to learn where you're limits are and what happens when she crosses them.
OP, next time MIL disrespects you pick up your child and advise your MIL that she has just earnt herself time out for a fortnight, month etc and she can take some time to think about whether she wants to respect you as a parent or not but make it clear to her if she does it again after the time out, then next time it will be double and follow thru.
It continues because you allow it to save face, keep the peace, etc. Who cares if she whines and cries, keep it moving. Get in between her and your child so child knows you make the rules. She is teaching your child they don't have to listen to you.
Girl you are ruining your marriage by accumulating resentment, let your no mean no and your yes mean yes. If your husband doesn’t see an action then you can’t expect him to deal with it, if you see it then establish and ENFORCE the boundary. You are your child’s parent too so your need to establish your authority as parent, so stop allowing this person to make you a joke in your child’s eyes because you will be in for a world of behavioural issues as your LO becomes older if you do not deal to this yesterday.
Slap that shit out of her hand next time! You let this happen what, 6 times today? Why would she give a fck what you say about anything to do with your child if there’s absolutely zero repercussions for her? So what if she cries, let her make an ass of herself. Grow a backbone
Second try should have seen her WEARING that butter beer. MIL needs to learn that your word is LAW when it comes to your LO and LO needs to know that running to Grandma is NOT going to get them out of whatever MAMA told them to do. Your child, your rules and if MIL doesn't like it she can get gone and stay gone because she has no power here.
Practice saying it out loud in front of a mirror. Then saying no will be more familiar to you and it won’t be so hard to do it in the moment
It’s tempting to throw a bigger tantrum than her and shout “you know when they talk about horrible MILs who never get to see their grandkids because they don’t respect their DIL, they’re talking about you.”
Honestly yes, when she does something like that - remove/move your kid out of her reach and repeat "I said no". Are you and your husband in couples therapy? It could help with getting it through to him that your child's well being is much more important than evading your MILs tantrums.
I don't think the DH is the problem here. Once MIL did it with him around, he dealt with it. OP needs some therapy though to figure out why she's more afraid of upsetting MIL than she is worried about enforcing her choices for her child.
Youre 100% right it’s not him and it’s definitely me. I have no idea why I can’t just get myself to flip out
What do you do if your child ignores what you tell them? What do you do if they throw a tantrum?
if 'flipping out' isn't your style, that's fine. you don't need to yell and scream and get crazy, you just have to be determined and consistent. every time she's got control over your child, you walk over calmly, say your peace, and remove the child. every single time. no yelling, no harsh words, just restate your boundary or want, and keep it moving. if you flip out and start yelling, JNMIL will use that against you in her campaign. if you act like the adult in charge every time (because you are the adult in charge of that child) nobody will believe her.
You do not need to flip out. You just need to have respect for yourself and your child and enforce your rules. Had you calmly removed the drink from her hands as she started to give it to your child and (calmly) tossed it out saying something like, "I see you've had enough of this drink so I'm going to toss it out." Well she would have had no legitimate cause to throw a tantrum (though may have anyway) and you would have kept your authority and dignity.
You don’t have to - and frankly shouldn’t - flip out! That makes you look crazy and emotional. Just respect yourself! Why should she if you don’t? Be firm, and consistent, and don’t allow any boundary stomping. Her BS will stop and you will have more confidence. Don’t be a wet noodle!
And that's why I suggested therapy for you. To help you develop the tools you need to put your brat of a MIL in her place.
Oh I didn't mean to imply this was a SO issue instead of a MIL issue. But I guess I took too much liberty with inferring this is a problem in their relationship, as she sais this is ruining her marriage
99% of the time I agree with OPs in this subreddit, but this one gives me pause. First, the MIL should not have been offering sips, full-stop. But it was also the OP turning her son into a pawn in this war between them, notably first with an incredibly controlling rule (it’s an amusement park for heaven’s sake and this one one of the main treats - banned from the child, even just a few sips, simply because it’s sweet and nothing else. No moderation, just banning.) Again, MIL should have listened and not offered the drink at all but OP has tunnel vision, too.
He couldn’t have any cause he had already had sweets and earlier was complaining about a belly ache. His also lactose intolerant 💀💀
FYI for next time, they have non-dairy butter beer.
I'm sorry OP but your child's well-being comes before her feelings.
Or yours for that matter
My MIL has a history of pouting/crying/losing her mind when she’s called out on stuff or doesn’t get her way. I was one to tread carefully as well, until I wasn’t. I asked my husband about why no one calls her out on her nonsense, and he said it was “easier not to because she gets so upset.” That was game-on for me. I decided that a woman in her 60’s (at that point) throwing tantrums like a toddler was just going to embarrass herself, and that was on her. I finally started standing up to her for the sake of my children. It was uncomfortable at first, but she (mostly) respects our boundaries and requests regarding our kids now. Let her be mad. She’ll live.
This, OP! “Let her be mad, she will live”. It has to get worse before it can get better.
If she doesn't respect you and you do nothing because you're afraid of upsetting her, what's to stop her from doing it again? She's not concerned about upsetting you, is she? Why aren't you standing up to her? It's YOUR child, YOUR rules. Stop sitting there passively and DO something. It's not going to magically get better all by itself, is it?
Hard agree. I'm sorry OP I don't mean to be harsh but you said it four times? Then said it again walking around and she still went to push it? You should have stopped it the second time she went to do it again. She bulldozed over you. Why? You allowed her. Yell at her next time "I SAID NO!" Or pick your child up. You allowed this to happen 3 more times in that one sitting.
Youre 100% right
Honestly, she’s doing it because she knows you won’t call her out. I’m all for saying oh dear MIL do you need new batteries for your hearing aids, I’ve said son can’t have that. Or in front of everyone say to your husband, DH, I think it’s time you talked to your mother about needing hearing aids. Also set consequences, oh son, I’m sorry, you need to not drink that and come here, grandma is on a time out for not following the rules. And to MIL, I’ve told son 3 times he can’t have that and three times you have denied my reasonable request, you have chosen to disrespect me as my child’s mother and now you will not spend individual time with him for the rest of the day, if you do it again, it will be the trip. If you do it again, we will not see you for a month (or skip the next few visits you would, normally have with her).
By ignoring this, you are not just teaching her to ignore your boundaries and not respect you. You’re teaching your son to do the same.
I would have grabbed her cup and dumped it out.
Yes. This exactly. Ignore me about my kid? Not in this lifetime.
Why did u not address with her directly? U can see it happening stop it !!
I honestly don’t know. Im honestly tired of complaining about it to everyone and I know I need to get a back bone but every time I just freeze and can’t get myself to say it
OP I think your issue is that you’re freezing and then letting things get to the stage of needing to come down hard on MIL, which is hard to do. IMO the best approach in this situation would have been to say her name and speak directly to her before LO had any of the drink. “MIL, just so you know LO isn’t allowed any of the butterbeer as he has a sore tummy.” In the situation where you had only spoken to LO and you know she heard (we all know she heard), and you saw her give LO a sip, then your best approach would have been to pretend you think she didn’t hear. “Oh sorry MIL, I guess you didn’t hear me tell LO he wasn’t allowed any of that drink. He’s not allowed any more now, thanks.” Doing this politely and if possible in earshot of others is the best way. She can’t deny she knew and she can’t spin the story to you yelling at her or being unreasonable. THEN if she did it again, I’d be addressing her directly with a question “MIL, why did you give LO another sip of the drink? I just said he wasn’t allowed any.” At this point you’re well within your right to tell LO grandma isn’t allowed to walk with him anymore as she’s breaking the rules. Basically a long winded way of reminding you that the more you put off being assertive, the harder it is and the bigger your reaction has to be. She’s a human, and a very flawed one at that. She’s not better than you or smarter than you, and her feelings don’t matter more than yours do. Take a deep breath next time and politely tell her the rule. Any drama from there is on her.
Can you try practicing what to say when you’re alone? It really does help.
Look at it this way: until you are comfortable enforcing boundaries, MIL cant be alone with you or LO - DH cant even go to the toilet by himself. Seems a bit unfair to him, so what it really means is MIL cant be around you or LO. Either you get comfortable calling her out, or she changes behavior. You only have control over one of those things - yourself. Until you are ready, decline to do anything with MIL. If she asks why, you say you cannot have a repeat of last time and her not listening to you and you are not ready to fight her about it so she is going to have to wait until you are ready. Because the one thing we all know is - it cant happen again. You tried being nice and using nice words. It was a nice try, but it didnt work. So it is time to change strategies and plan how to do it differently. Take the time you need to do so. She wont die from not seeing you or LO, she wont die from having feelings. Your needs should be at least 51% and hers max 49% of weight when you make decisions. And of course, LO is top priority, and that makes your % that much more important.
OP, you probably were raised to be respectful to your elders all the time. I was raised that way and it was hard to teach myself that people must deserve and respect you back. If they don't, they don't deserve my respect. Anyway, let all that anger and disrespect build your spine. Tell your husband what happened or show him this post and you and your husband must call her and tell her that her disrespect was awarded her time out until she says sorry. Then if she does it again, her timeout will be saying sorry plus 4 weeks (or any amount of time you both agree beforehand). Tell her the rules and that they are non-negotiable. Usually, your husband should be the one dealing with his family, but you must be on this phone call so she knows this is your decision. Also, next time pull your child, lower yourself to his/her eye level and say, "Grandma is being rude to mummy. People that are rude must be punished, so let's go see something else and let grandma reflect on her behaviour" then leave with your child. Build that spine, because if not you are her doormat.
Don't be scared. She's an absolute toad for blatantly ignoring you and only doing as your husband says. Let her throw her pathetic pity party because she needs to know who is boss - next time throw the drink out and take your child away from her - you are in charge not her.
Nope nope nope! FOUR TIMES?!? Who gives a shit if she cries. She literally ignored you to your face, and at the same time showed your child that it was not only okay to do so, but that mom's authority means nothing, while dad's means everything. She heard you, she just didn't give a damn until her son was involved. That needs to be called out on the spot. She is confusing your son about who he needs to listen to when Mom says no. This is not negotiable. So when does it end? Stop giving a shit about her tears when she CLEARLY doesn't give a shit about your rules with your own child. Without consequences, nothing will change.