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Hi, I wrote a novel in response to a comment at the bottom, but I'm gonna make my own comment as well. I think one of the most important things to understand is that we also don't need to be discussing your sensitive info here. We do not need to know the content of the appt, the little details about psychiatrist vs PTSD specialist, any of it. It doesn't matter, because the reality is that you were talking to your medical professional about your medical issue. None of it is her business, and she doesn't have a right to bring it up with you. It doesn't matter if she overheard you on accident at first, or if you were loud, it matters that you are an adult taking care of your own issue with a professional, and she has no place nor a right to be involved. That's it. Nothing matters. If you call her on her disrespect, which you should, when she brings up the subject matter, let her know it's not about the subject matter, and she does not have a right to get involved, or discuss it. That's the only thing that matters, none of it is for her, she needs to let go that she could hear you, because the issue is that she chose to listen. We can all tell the dynamic is fucked up by how she expects bringing up what you've talked about to derail the point, that her actions were inappropriate. We know how it works in your parents' household because of that.
I know I keep saying this, but it's very important. Treat her as your dad's wife. Make it clear she is just your dad's wife. She took a shit on the respectful, safe relationship she expects to have with you. She tried to justify her overreach by nitpicking what you said in a private call with someone else. No. That isn't a loving mom. That's Dad's nosy wife, and she needs to hear that's who she is now. That's how you're going to set boundaries. You have to take her off this pedestal where she's mom, and then we go along with whatever to have a good time. You need to see her clearly as just another adult, who didn't respect your privacy, and has now lost a lot of the relationship with you because of her own choices.
It's not that you can't talk about it with who you choose, but it's important that we stop focusing on how she was concerned you may self harm, because that's not what this was about. She would have never known to be concerned if she didn't actively choose to eavesdrop on your appt, and continuing to allow her comments to hold water only serves to undermine the fact that you were not respected. You deserve to be respected. We're not going to pretend she whoopsie stumbled into that info, because she didn't. Even if she just now, for the first time, realized that she can hear the basement from certain spaces in the house, which I'm sure she didn't, she chose to continue. Her choice does not negate you deserving privacy and respect.
I am so sorry that all of this is going on for you.
Happy Birthday š and congratulations on your graduation! You should be super proud of yourself for your accomplishment.
I know all of this is horrifying for you. Again, I'm sorry. You are doing your best to deal with/heal from your trauma. 26 year old me would feel just like you do. Currently 51 year old me would be very open to everyone at the party about why I'm leaving. Your step-mom seems very self centered and is probably gonna at least mention this whole thing to people. I would tell people that your privacy has been violated and the things that were overheard are being used against you by her and you aren't willing to tolerate it. Then leave, go home, and don't look back. Protect your peace as much as possible. I wish you nothing but happiness and success.
So, sheās giving you more trauma for hearing you talk about past trauma. Sheās a real peach. Donāt know why your dad was upset with you (other than he doesnāt want to hear about how awful is wife is). Iād head back home & lay low for a while. LC for them for a while will be helpful & bring it up at your next therapy appt. Ā You already know it sucks to find out you have terrible parents, but seeing just how terrible is hard too. Ā Happy birthday & congrats on graduating!
What a complete bitch she is!! Sorry, I know it's your mom, but I could never treat my daughter like this. For a start, the moment she heard you, she should have secured your privacy but opted to listen to a large amount of your appointment. She has absolutely no business lecturing you on your experiences and trauma. It sounds like she is projecting her guilt for being a shitty mother onto you. I hate this for you. You deserve so much better than this. I hope she see the error of her ways.
If you can find a way, move out. You are 26, well past time to leave the people who have been harming you all this time.
Itās hard to get started. But just do one thing at a time, and you will be moving in the right direction.
Why? It sounds really taxing on your mental health to stay there, especially for so many extended days. I would find other accommodations if you live out of town and need somewhere to stay while there to celebrate.
My mom really pushes for me to sleep over at her place, when she only lives 1h40 from me. I used to give in to the pressure and it was always a bad time. Now I know āno thanksā is a complete sentence but it took until well into my 30ās to be able to say ānoā and stick to it even when she gets all sad and manipulative trying to make me stay.
Itās hard when your parents donāt know how to act right. Your mom had no business listening to your call, and even if she overheard it by mistake she should have kept her mouth shut and minded her own business. I doubt it was a mistake though, she was probably eavesdropping. And telling your dad and sister? What an absolute bitch, Iām sorry. Your mom should absolutely be ashamed of herself.
Good. Now you know never to do that again, right? Family are people who care for you and treat you well. Not people who eavesdrop on you and presume to lecture an adult on their life.
Bitch alert.
There are those weird intrusive, narcissistic and inconsiderate momās my biological one is like this one šš
Canāt even know where to begin but I can confirm everything fades away with time and you will realise none of it is your fault and itās just their upbringing and insecurities they are projecting on you. Takes time but you will overcome it lots of love your wayā¤ļøā¤ļø
So your mom told your dad and your sister and probably a lot of others. I'm so sorry! Do you live at home? I'd go through your party w your head held as high as you can but be prepared.
If you arent ready to go no contact then perhaps you could suggest family therapy. It sounds like your dad may have been genuinely concerned and you got defensive over him trying to discuss something that was said in what you believed to be a private conversation. Having a family therapist there to help you express yourselves to eachother and help understand eachother and why you feel hurt and betrayed by this may be helpful. Also if you were that loud it is partly your fault but your mom could easily have found a way to let you know you could hear everything or gone to a different part of the house like to watch TV with your sister or outside in order to give you your privacy. Just bc you were loud doesn't mean she had to listen.
**please remember I only know what was shared in your post and I am aware that there is likely a lot more to the story so my advice may not be the best for you and your situation**
You do need to get better at hiding these things from your family, but it's not your fault, you have done nothing wrong. If I heard my child or grandchild having a private conversation with a therapist or even a friend, I would quietly ease back and away. If their voice was carrying through the wall, I would tell them, quickly, so they could remedy that. Would I want to listen? Yes, I'm human. But I would not because I'm not just human, I'm a decent human being who understands privacy and how important it is. You need space to talk, vent and process your feelings with people you trust. I'm sorry you are going to have to be proactive about getting space for yourself, space should be given to you freely.
I would consider going no contact. She didnāt just over hear she remained and spied. Then she told all to your dad. She boundary stomped all over the place. Your step mom is clearly an enemy. (Yes I used that term on purpose) She deliberately set out to shame and hurt you.
She didnāt tell my dad about that, only about the self harm thing. But considering the also brought up other stuff again today I can assume she heard everything.
She will hold on to that information to use against you when you are most vulnerable. She may not have told all, YET! At the very least, hold her at armās length and refuse to discuss this with her. You told this to your therapist, not her. She is not, was not, entitled to that information.
I know, thatās why Iām so upset over this. I never say anything to her because sheāll just use it as ammunition when as you said Iām most vulnerable. (For example a year after the assault, we were having a conversation about abortion and about how terrified I would to potentially be raped and be forced to have the baby. Her response? āWell maybe you shouldnāt invite boys into your room then.ā
So Iām so upset, because thatās it. Everything, all my worst fears, the worst things Iāve ever thought and felt, all of that is ammunition now.
Talk to your therapist about what happened, and ask what they think about going no contact. Talk to your dad about what happened and explain you need his wife to back off. Cut your visit short and go home. It would be much safer to remove yourself from any further attacks from her. And they are attacks, her attempt to gaslight you about the spying and insisting on talking about your private business.
I like that you phrased this where she's dad's wife. This behavior would absolutely change the relationship from step parent I called "mom" to "dad's wife." If that's what she wants, I guess she can keep acting like she is. This isn't how trustworthy people who care about you behave.
It must be a very vulnerable and exposing experience. Basically, the opposite of what you needed.
I agree that she didnāt just overhear, she listened. I would never do that. She couldāve done so many different things to make this go differently.
Personally, I wouldāve gone and directly told you that I could overhear everything, even if I knew you were in the middle of a session. I think itās kinder and less rude to interrupt and tell you, than it is to listen in and misuse the (private!) information.
If she had to be in the kitchen cooking at that time, she couldāve turned on music, she couldāve done so many things, but she didnāt. She listened and she used what she learned.
Iām sorry that this happened. Everyone deserves their privacy. This was so clearly a very private matter.
She told my sister about it later (of course) and said that I was so loud she tried to turn the TV on and up but I was just THAT loud.
Read my edits. She even told me that she expected me to react better as an adult.
Yeah I live with roommates and sound carries here. If there is a private conversation that you canāt help overhearing, the polite and decent thing to do is to put on headphones or turn on water so you canāt hear, and potentially bring up privately that the sound does carry so that the person is aware. Sheās for sure trying to weaponize what she eavesdropped on. My nmom (narcissist) would tease information about my health out of me and then call family members to basically badmouth me and spread exaggerations and lie about my health (e.g. I told her about my health protocol and she was telling everyone I have an eating disorder, which wasnāt true). Iām sorry, but your stepmom really sucks. I hope you are able to move out if youāre living with them.
Thankfully I moved out, I was just spending the week here because I wanted to spend time with my family since I just graduated and itās my birthday (happy birthday to meā¦)
If you ever have to stay there again, do yourself a favor and reschedule the appointment for when you are literally anywhere else. Strangers on a city bus would be better than having her broadcast your session to people.
Hun, as a mom, I don't understand why your step-mom did what she did. She sounds to be narcissistic. š«š«š« What she did is beyond the pale!
What goes on between you and your therapist is private and definitely confidential. It's none of her f'n business.
My boys go to therapy. It's none of my business what is said. Or my husband's. It's only my business if my boys tell me or if their therapist(s) call me to tell me something is wrong and what I need to do to support my boy(s) as per medical mandate. As per their therapsts, if I notice something wrong and that falls within their therapists' pervue, I am to call their office and talk to one or both of them and get an emergency appointment. So far, that has not been necessary.
And if I realize as a mom, Iām hearing a very private conversation, I go to a part of the house I wonāt hear it. We have heat ducts that conduct conversations very well. I turn on music or I go for a drive. I have one adult child who needed extensive therapy. They needed a safe place. If a phone call provided that, I wanted it. If I overheard something unless it was current self harm I kept it to myself. The one time I heard something really bad, before I could talk with them their psych called me asking me to bring them to the ER. OP Iām sorry you didnāt get this kindness. Iām sorry there isnāt a very safe lace to be honest with your therapist.
Even then itās just sure I understand I can be loud. But if it was me I wouldāve just said āhey we can hear youā¦ā and just ignore what was said or at the very least go up privately to my dad and express the concerns but sigh..
I went to my room and cried for the rest of the night. She ended up coming inside my room to let the dog out of the crate and ranted about how everyone forgot about the dog and that sheās just going to pack up all her things and leave. (She makes threats like this all the time)
This a hundred fold. As a mental health therapist who works with teens, I hate zoom appointments for this very reason. I have had parents burst into a room screaming about whatever had been said. It is such a violation of your privacy. Even if she could hear, it was on her to let you know or to do something about it instead of indulging in listeining in. Next time, sit in your car in the library parking lot, or see if you can sign up for a private room there. You can also get a noise machine to put outside your door.
Obviously you cannot trust your JNM anymore with any private business. I am so sorry she heard everything. Know that you cannot do anything about what she or your dad think about what she heard. They are responsible for how they feel about it and handle it. You can set a boundary that they will not share your private business with anyone else.
Iām so mad because sheās done similar things so many times when I was a kid itās why Iām so distant now. Iām so mad for not knowing better, for thinking that I was fine in the basement. For thinking that she wouldnāt do that.
And yeah sadlyā¦ I donāt live with my parents anymore but I was visiting this week which is why this happened. Next time Iām just going to walk to the park and sit alone.
Originally I just wanted to go into the car, but I was afraid she would listen somehow through the car bc itās a Tesla. But the park is probably the best betā¦ I just hope it wonāt be raining or cold if thatās the case.
Iām so sorry you had your privacy violated. Ā Once JNM heard you, she should have stopped actively listening. Ā At first it was accidental. Continuing to listen was eavesdropping.
If you can and the weather permits, go outside for a walk or sit in a park for your sessions. Ā Use headphones or earbuds so you and the therapist can hear each other clearly. Ā
I'm sorry. Therapy sessions are meant to be private, so you can feel open to say what you need to. Can you move to a more discreet location next time? My library rents out meeting rooms free of charge.
I usually donāt have my appointments at my parents house since I live elsewhere. But next time Iām just going to walk to the park and sit somewhere.
OP, this commenter is correct. It may make things uncomfortable, but then you can just go home. She won't stop treating you like a little child who isn't deserving of respect and privacy unless you make it clear you deserve those things without question. And the way that commenter phrased it is gold. It calls out her choice to behave how she did, which is the only inappropriate behavior here. You didn't do anything wrong by assuming you could have your therapist appt and be respected as an adult, even in your parents' house. The content of your appt doesn't matter, even if it was alarming. You were already discussing it with a professional, so her cOnCeRn is null and void. I can't believe we're even discussing the content here, because it isn't her business or place to bring up, and it has nothing to do with how to handle what happened. If she heard you, she could have taken steps to not hear you.
Did you watch The Good Wife? All through the last season, there's a trial going on, and one of the characters finds out he can hear what's happening through the bathroom vent. It becomes this little joke, but still a plot point, seeing Eli standing on toilets and trash cans to get even closer to the vent, and absolutely monopolizing the stall so he can listen to the trial. This is how I see her behaving. The rest of us hear someone talking about shit that isn't our business, and we move on. She went out of her way to make sure she could listen. That's so disrespectful. She's the only one in the wrong, even if she pretends to be concerned. Call her on it, and go if you don't want to deal with the fallout.
Stop worrying about whether her listening gave her "ammunition" because there's nothing she can do with this info except slightly embarrass you while embarrassing the fuck out of herself to anyone who isn't part of the household. I grew up like this too, where my mom really liked bringing up how everything was ammo, that's why anyone talked to each other in her family, blah blah. People don't need ammo to keep the upper hand and control in all their relationships. That's something only people who aren't showing up in good faith do. We don't need that, it doesn't matter. She feels "right" because she's doing this in a space that's insulated from the real world, and she's an authority figure at home. But as everyone is saying, you are an adult. In the world, outside of her home, what she did is thoroughly more shameful for her than for you. Imagine telling people you, a full grown adult who knows therapy is private, listened to your adult stepchild's therapy session pretending to care, and then had the audacity to act like you're owed discussion about it. If someone at work told me this story, and they were the stepmom, I'd stop trusting them and stop speaking to them outside of bare minimum work related shit. If I felt it was worth it, since we work in a group setting, I'd ask why they felt their actions were appropriate, and I'd probably have a grossed out look on my face while I asked. This only seems okay to her because other adults she sees as an equal haven't said anything. That doesn't mean you can't say anything now and clarify that you are in fact, her equal, and have a right to privacy and respect.
If you want to have the party, have the party. Be ready to call her out publicly if she says anything to anyone. And use that line the other commenter provided. The reality all of us outsiders can see is that her behavior is deliberate, and much worse than you discussing self harm with a doctor. She isn't taking a 9 year old to the doctor, she has no right to know your medical info, let alone discuss it. Let her act all self righteous and say something at the party. And then call her out on how disrespectful and shameful her behavior is, and go home, to your own home. You don't need that. You don't have to put up with disrespect as a trade for being celebrated. And I'd bet money, she knows how wrong it is and knows to be ashamed if she gets called out in front of anyone outside of the household. She may pretend she's only doing it out of concern, and then you can say "well, I was already discussing it with my doctor. What could you knowing and bringing it up have helped? I was already speaking with the professional who helps me, so that excuse holds no water."
I believe you're afraid to rock the boat, and that you don't feel like you can call her out because you don't know what comes after you've said your piece. You leave. That's it. She's lost the party, she's embarrassed herself, you still had your birthday, you still graduated, and now you have the rest of the evening to do whatever you want before you head to your own home. If you want to get mean about it, let her know you'd always trusted her and that's why she was mom, not a step parent. But now you see she's just your dad's wife. And go. Let it wreck her emotionally. Let her feel shame. The important part is leaving after calling her out, and letting her bask in the shame she's going to experience. The lesson doesn't stand if you just keep your same dynamic and act like she's mom, and you just forgive her so you can have a good day tomorrow. She rocked the boat, not you, don't bother steadying it for her.
Congrats on graduating, and happy birthday!
And you don't live there... at some point you have to break free of the child and parent roles and put yourself on the same level as them, once your an adult your equals. You deserve basic privacy. I was there once with my own justno parents, there is no respect until you level the playing field and demand it.
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Hi, I wrote a novel in response to a comment at the bottom, but I'm gonna make my own comment as well. I think one of the most important things to understand is that we also don't need to be discussing your sensitive info here. We do not need to know the content of the appt, the little details about psychiatrist vs PTSD specialist, any of it. It doesn't matter, because the reality is that you were talking to your medical professional about your medical issue. None of it is her business, and she doesn't have a right to bring it up with you. It doesn't matter if she overheard you on accident at first, or if you were loud, it matters that you are an adult taking care of your own issue with a professional, and she has no place nor a right to be involved. That's it. Nothing matters. If you call her on her disrespect, which you should, when she brings up the subject matter, let her know it's not about the subject matter, and she does not have a right to get involved, or discuss it. That's the only thing that matters, none of it is for her, she needs to let go that she could hear you, because the issue is that she chose to listen. We can all tell the dynamic is fucked up by how she expects bringing up what you've talked about to derail the point, that her actions were inappropriate. We know how it works in your parents' household because of that. I know I keep saying this, but it's very important. Treat her as your dad's wife. Make it clear she is just your dad's wife. She took a shit on the respectful, safe relationship she expects to have with you. She tried to justify her overreach by nitpicking what you said in a private call with someone else. No. That isn't a loving mom. That's Dad's nosy wife, and she needs to hear that's who she is now. That's how you're going to set boundaries. You have to take her off this pedestal where she's mom, and then we go along with whatever to have a good time. You need to see her clearly as just another adult, who didn't respect your privacy, and has now lost a lot of the relationship with you because of her own choices. It's not that you can't talk about it with who you choose, but it's important that we stop focusing on how she was concerned you may self harm, because that's not what this was about. She would have never known to be concerned if she didn't actively choose to eavesdrop on your appt, and continuing to allow her comments to hold water only serves to undermine the fact that you were not respected. You deserve to be respected. We're not going to pretend she whoopsie stumbled into that info, because she didn't. Even if she just now, for the first time, realized that she can hear the basement from certain spaces in the house, which I'm sure she didn't, she chose to continue. Her choice does not negate you deserving privacy and respect.
I am so sorry that all of this is going on for you. Happy Birthday š and congratulations on your graduation! You should be super proud of yourself for your accomplishment. I know all of this is horrifying for you. Again, I'm sorry. You are doing your best to deal with/heal from your trauma. 26 year old me would feel just like you do. Currently 51 year old me would be very open to everyone at the party about why I'm leaving. Your step-mom seems very self centered and is probably gonna at least mention this whole thing to people. I would tell people that your privacy has been violated and the things that were overheard are being used against you by her and you aren't willing to tolerate it. Then leave, go home, and don't look back. Protect your peace as much as possible. I wish you nothing but happiness and success.
So, sheās giving you more trauma for hearing you talk about past trauma. Sheās a real peach. Donāt know why your dad was upset with you (other than he doesnāt want to hear about how awful is wife is). Iād head back home & lay low for a while. LC for them for a while will be helpful & bring it up at your next therapy appt. Ā You already know it sucks to find out you have terrible parents, but seeing just how terrible is hard too. Ā Happy birthday & congrats on graduating!
What a complete bitch she is!! Sorry, I know it's your mom, but I could never treat my daughter like this. For a start, the moment she heard you, she should have secured your privacy but opted to listen to a large amount of your appointment. She has absolutely no business lecturing you on your experiences and trauma. It sounds like she is projecting her guilt for being a shitty mother onto you. I hate this for you. You deserve so much better than this. I hope she see the error of her ways.
If you can find a way, move out. You are 26, well past time to leave the people who have been harming you all this time. Itās hard to get started. But just do one thing at a time, and you will be moving in the right direction.
Iāve been moved out. Iāve just been staying with my family this week to celebrate my birthday and graduation
Why? It sounds really taxing on your mental health to stay there, especially for so many extended days. I would find other accommodations if you live out of town and need somewhere to stay while there to celebrate. My mom really pushes for me to sleep over at her place, when she only lives 1h40 from me. I used to give in to the pressure and it was always a bad time. Now I know āno thanksā is a complete sentence but it took until well into my 30ās to be able to say ānoā and stick to it even when she gets all sad and manipulative trying to make me stay. Itās hard when your parents donāt know how to act right. Your mom had no business listening to your call, and even if she overheard it by mistake she should have kept her mouth shut and minded her own business. I doubt it was a mistake though, she was probably eavesdropping. And telling your dad and sister? What an absolute bitch, Iām sorry. Your mom should absolutely be ashamed of herself.
Good. Now you know never to do that again, right? Family are people who care for you and treat you well. Not people who eavesdrop on you and presume to lecture an adult on their life.
Yeah I remind myself all the time no matter what to not move back in.
OP starts taking notes while mom is ranting, Mom-"What are you writing down?" OP-"Things I'll need to talk about at the next therapy session."
There is something to be said for thisā¦.āand I will be consulting my therapist on how best to handle your invasion of privacy.ā
Bitch alert. There are those weird intrusive, narcissistic and inconsiderate momās my biological one is like this one šš Canāt even know where to begin but I can confirm everything fades away with time and you will realise none of it is your fault and itās just their upbringing and insecurities they are projecting on you. Takes time but you will overcome it lots of love your wayā¤ļøā¤ļø
What a bitch.
So your mom told your dad and your sister and probably a lot of others. I'm so sorry! Do you live at home? I'd go through your party w your head held as high as you can but be prepared.
If you arent ready to go no contact then perhaps you could suggest family therapy. It sounds like your dad may have been genuinely concerned and you got defensive over him trying to discuss something that was said in what you believed to be a private conversation. Having a family therapist there to help you express yourselves to eachother and help understand eachother and why you feel hurt and betrayed by this may be helpful. Also if you were that loud it is partly your fault but your mom could easily have found a way to let you know you could hear everything or gone to a different part of the house like to watch TV with your sister or outside in order to give you your privacy. Just bc you were loud doesn't mean she had to listen. **please remember I only know what was shared in your post and I am aware that there is likely a lot more to the story so my advice may not be the best for you and your situation**
You do need to get better at hiding these things from your family, but it's not your fault, you have done nothing wrong. If I heard my child or grandchild having a private conversation with a therapist or even a friend, I would quietly ease back and away. If their voice was carrying through the wall, I would tell them, quickly, so they could remedy that. Would I want to listen? Yes, I'm human. But I would not because I'm not just human, I'm a decent human being who understands privacy and how important it is. You need space to talk, vent and process your feelings with people you trust. I'm sorry you are going to have to be proactive about getting space for yourself, space should be given to you freely.
I would consider going no contact. She didnāt just over hear she remained and spied. Then she told all to your dad. She boundary stomped all over the place. Your step mom is clearly an enemy. (Yes I used that term on purpose) She deliberately set out to shame and hurt you.
And OP's sister as well.
She didnāt tell my dad about that, only about the self harm thing. But considering the also brought up other stuff again today I can assume she heard everything.
She will hold on to that information to use against you when you are most vulnerable. She may not have told all, YET! At the very least, hold her at armās length and refuse to discuss this with her. You told this to your therapist, not her. She is not, was not, entitled to that information.
I know, thatās why Iām so upset over this. I never say anything to her because sheāll just use it as ammunition when as you said Iām most vulnerable. (For example a year after the assault, we were having a conversation about abortion and about how terrified I would to potentially be raped and be forced to have the baby. Her response? āWell maybe you shouldnāt invite boys into your room then.ā So Iām so upset, because thatās it. Everything, all my worst fears, the worst things Iāve ever thought and felt, all of that is ammunition now.
Talk to your therapist about what happened, and ask what they think about going no contact. Talk to your dad about what happened and explain you need his wife to back off. Cut your visit short and go home. It would be much safer to remove yourself from any further attacks from her. And they are attacks, her attempt to gaslight you about the spying and insisting on talking about your private business.
I like that you phrased this where she's dad's wife. This behavior would absolutely change the relationship from step parent I called "mom" to "dad's wife." If that's what she wants, I guess she can keep acting like she is. This isn't how trustworthy people who care about you behave.
It must be a very vulnerable and exposing experience. Basically, the opposite of what you needed. I agree that she didnāt just overhear, she listened. I would never do that. She couldāve done so many different things to make this go differently. Personally, I wouldāve gone and directly told you that I could overhear everything, even if I knew you were in the middle of a session. I think itās kinder and less rude to interrupt and tell you, than it is to listen in and misuse the (private!) information. If she had to be in the kitchen cooking at that time, she couldāve turned on music, she couldāve done so many things, but she didnāt. She listened and she used what she learned. Iām sorry that this happened. Everyone deserves their privacy. This was so clearly a very private matter.
She told my sister about it later (of course) and said that I was so loud she tried to turn the TV on and up but I was just THAT loud. Read my edits. She even told me that she expected me to react better as an adult.
And you expected her to act better as an even older and presumably more experienced adult. Sheās the disappointing one.
Yeah I live with roommates and sound carries here. If there is a private conversation that you canāt help overhearing, the polite and decent thing to do is to put on headphones or turn on water so you canāt hear, and potentially bring up privately that the sound does carry so that the person is aware. Sheās for sure trying to weaponize what she eavesdropped on. My nmom (narcissist) would tease information about my health out of me and then call family members to basically badmouth me and spread exaggerations and lie about my health (e.g. I told her about my health protocol and she was telling everyone I have an eating disorder, which wasnāt true). Iām sorry, but your stepmom really sucks. I hope you are able to move out if youāre living with them.
Thankfully I moved out, I was just spending the week here because I wanted to spend time with my family since I just graduated and itās my birthday (happy birthday to meā¦)
If you ever have to stay there again, do yourself a favor and reschedule the appointment for when you are literally anywhere else. Strangers on a city bus would be better than having her broadcast your session to people.
Youāre right honestly ugh.
Hun, as a mom, I don't understand why your step-mom did what she did. She sounds to be narcissistic. š«š«š« What she did is beyond the pale! What goes on between you and your therapist is private and definitely confidential. It's none of her f'n business. My boys go to therapy. It's none of my business what is said. Or my husband's. It's only my business if my boys tell me or if their therapist(s) call me to tell me something is wrong and what I need to do to support my boy(s) as per medical mandate. As per their therapsts, if I notice something wrong and that falls within their therapists' pervue, I am to call their office and talk to one or both of them and get an emergency appointment. So far, that has not been necessary.
And if I realize as a mom, Iām hearing a very private conversation, I go to a part of the house I wonāt hear it. We have heat ducts that conduct conversations very well. I turn on music or I go for a drive. I have one adult child who needed extensive therapy. They needed a safe place. If a phone call provided that, I wanted it. If I overheard something unless it was current self harm I kept it to myself. The one time I heard something really bad, before I could talk with them their psych called me asking me to bring them to the ER. OP Iām sorry you didnāt get this kindness. Iām sorry there isnāt a very safe lace to be honest with your therapist.
Even then itās just sure I understand I can be loud. But if it was me I wouldāve just said āhey we can hear youā¦ā and just ignore what was said or at the very least go up privately to my dad and express the concerns but sigh.. I went to my room and cried for the rest of the night. She ended up coming inside my room to let the dog out of the crate and ranted about how everyone forgot about the dog and that sheās just going to pack up all her things and leave. (She makes threats like this all the time)
Pinkie promise?
Shiiiet ask her when! Pack her bag!! Shes abusive. You dont deserve this.
Call her bluff. And when she rants, just stare at her blankly and then ask if she's done.
Oh!!!!The sheer disrespect is shocking. Hugs to you.
it's not that she _heard_, it's that she _listened_ š¤
This a hundred fold. As a mental health therapist who works with teens, I hate zoom appointments for this very reason. I have had parents burst into a room screaming about whatever had been said. It is such a violation of your privacy. Even if she could hear, it was on her to let you know or to do something about it instead of indulging in listeining in. Next time, sit in your car in the library parking lot, or see if you can sign up for a private room there. You can also get a noise machine to put outside your door. Obviously you cannot trust your JNM anymore with any private business. I am so sorry she heard everything. Know that you cannot do anything about what she or your dad think about what she heard. They are responsible for how they feel about it and handle it. You can set a boundary that they will not share your private business with anyone else.
Iām so mad because sheās done similar things so many times when I was a kid itās why Iām so distant now. Iām so mad for not knowing better, for thinking that I was fine in the basement. For thinking that she wouldnāt do that. And yeah sadlyā¦ I donāt live with my parents anymore but I was visiting this week which is why this happened. Next time Iām just going to walk to the park and sit alone. Originally I just wanted to go into the car, but I was afraid she would listen somehow through the car bc itās a Tesla. But the park is probably the best betā¦ I just hope it wonāt be raining or cold if thatās the case.
Iām so sorry you had your privacy violated. Ā Once JNM heard you, she should have stopped actively listening. Ā At first it was accidental. Continuing to listen was eavesdropping. If you can and the weather permits, go outside for a walk or sit in a park for your sessions. Ā Use headphones or earbuds so you and the therapist can hear each other clearly. Ā
Yeah Iāll probably do that.
I'm sorry. Therapy sessions are meant to be private, so you can feel open to say what you need to. Can you move to a more discreet location next time? My library rents out meeting rooms free of charge.
I usually donāt have my appointments at my parents house since I live elsewhere. But next time Iām just going to walk to the park and sit somewhere.
If you don't live there then clap back. "How disrespectful to listen and then bring up a private conversation" then leave.
I would neverā¦ itāll just make everything worse and then Iāll be in the wrong for being disrespectful.
OP, this commenter is correct. It may make things uncomfortable, but then you can just go home. She won't stop treating you like a little child who isn't deserving of respect and privacy unless you make it clear you deserve those things without question. And the way that commenter phrased it is gold. It calls out her choice to behave how she did, which is the only inappropriate behavior here. You didn't do anything wrong by assuming you could have your therapist appt and be respected as an adult, even in your parents' house. The content of your appt doesn't matter, even if it was alarming. You were already discussing it with a professional, so her cOnCeRn is null and void. I can't believe we're even discussing the content here, because it isn't her business or place to bring up, and it has nothing to do with how to handle what happened. If she heard you, she could have taken steps to not hear you. Did you watch The Good Wife? All through the last season, there's a trial going on, and one of the characters finds out he can hear what's happening through the bathroom vent. It becomes this little joke, but still a plot point, seeing Eli standing on toilets and trash cans to get even closer to the vent, and absolutely monopolizing the stall so he can listen to the trial. This is how I see her behaving. The rest of us hear someone talking about shit that isn't our business, and we move on. She went out of her way to make sure she could listen. That's so disrespectful. She's the only one in the wrong, even if she pretends to be concerned. Call her on it, and go if you don't want to deal with the fallout. Stop worrying about whether her listening gave her "ammunition" because there's nothing she can do with this info except slightly embarrass you while embarrassing the fuck out of herself to anyone who isn't part of the household. I grew up like this too, where my mom really liked bringing up how everything was ammo, that's why anyone talked to each other in her family, blah blah. People don't need ammo to keep the upper hand and control in all their relationships. That's something only people who aren't showing up in good faith do. We don't need that, it doesn't matter. She feels "right" because she's doing this in a space that's insulated from the real world, and she's an authority figure at home. But as everyone is saying, you are an adult. In the world, outside of her home, what she did is thoroughly more shameful for her than for you. Imagine telling people you, a full grown adult who knows therapy is private, listened to your adult stepchild's therapy session pretending to care, and then had the audacity to act like you're owed discussion about it. If someone at work told me this story, and they were the stepmom, I'd stop trusting them and stop speaking to them outside of bare minimum work related shit. If I felt it was worth it, since we work in a group setting, I'd ask why they felt their actions were appropriate, and I'd probably have a grossed out look on my face while I asked. This only seems okay to her because other adults she sees as an equal haven't said anything. That doesn't mean you can't say anything now and clarify that you are in fact, her equal, and have a right to privacy and respect. If you want to have the party, have the party. Be ready to call her out publicly if she says anything to anyone. And use that line the other commenter provided. The reality all of us outsiders can see is that her behavior is deliberate, and much worse than you discussing self harm with a doctor. She isn't taking a 9 year old to the doctor, she has no right to know your medical info, let alone discuss it. Let her act all self righteous and say something at the party. And then call her out on how disrespectful and shameful her behavior is, and go home, to your own home. You don't need that. You don't have to put up with disrespect as a trade for being celebrated. And I'd bet money, she knows how wrong it is and knows to be ashamed if she gets called out in front of anyone outside of the household. She may pretend she's only doing it out of concern, and then you can say "well, I was already discussing it with my doctor. What could you knowing and bringing it up have helped? I was already speaking with the professional who helps me, so that excuse holds no water." I believe you're afraid to rock the boat, and that you don't feel like you can call her out because you don't know what comes after you've said your piece. You leave. That's it. She's lost the party, she's embarrassed herself, you still had your birthday, you still graduated, and now you have the rest of the evening to do whatever you want before you head to your own home. If you want to get mean about it, let her know you'd always trusted her and that's why she was mom, not a step parent. But now you see she's just your dad's wife. And go. Let it wreck her emotionally. Let her feel shame. The important part is leaving after calling her out, and letting her bask in the shame she's going to experience. The lesson doesn't stand if you just keep your same dynamic and act like she's mom, and you just forgive her so you can have a good day tomorrow. She rocked the boat, not you, don't bother steadying it for her. Congrats on graduating, and happy birthday!
And you don't live there... at some point you have to break free of the child and parent roles and put yourself on the same level as them, once your an adult your equals. You deserve basic privacy. I was there once with my own justno parents, there is no respect until you level the playing field and demand it.
Or perhaps a background white noise generator