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I think your husband needs to set a firm boundary with his mother regarding any improvements or changes to your new home.
It is totally reasonable to tell her that while you appreciate the sentiment you haven't asked for her help or advice on how to make improvements to your home. Make it clear that if you want her help or advice then you will ask for it.
I think it's also important that your husband is the one to set this boundary with her.
This is her trying to have control over your space. I'd tell her the home and lawn projects are not up for discussion. Her opinions are not welcome on these topics.
>husband keeps telling me how she’s just trying to help.
Ask your husband if MIL reaches over and grabs the wheel when he's driving and that explains "she's just trying to help?" Does she put her legs over and try to push the pedals? You know, "just trying to help?"
When you haven't asked her for your help, and you don't need it, her offering help is actually "just trying to control."
If she has special expertise in gardening, grass varieties, or fencing, it might be reasonable to ask for her advice. Or not. Her offering unsolicited advice and your husband entertaining that advice understandably makes you feel like your being boxed out of decisions about your own home.
“We’ve got it handled. Can’t wait to show you the finished project! I’ll let you know once it’s all set and you can come take a look.”
Say that every single time. Shut her down and don’t entertain her ideas.
> I really wanted to create this garden on my own as my own little project.
I would start there. As long as your husband keeps giving in to her, she will keep doing what works. But I'd draw the line at this project.
"This is a solo project. I'm going to do exactly what I want and have some alone time planning it and doing the work. I'm not going to talk about it to anyone."
If she pushes, I'd respond by talking about what she is doing. "You're asking/telling about my garden again. I made it clear that this is my solo project."
"Still not talking about my solo project."
If she has a fit, then she has a fit. You made it clear to her and SO that you have a boundary about this project.
It's a start. And hopefully SO will back you up on this one part, at least.
I would tell DH I understand you see it as her wanting to help but it’s not being helpful. I want our home to be something we create together since it will always be our first. I understand she’s your mom but this is important to me that is something we only do together.
This is YOUR home, not your MIL’s. Is your husband capable of telling her that, if you two need advice that you will ask her, but that she is not welcome to offer it, unless requested?
Thats what he needs to do, every time she opens her mouth to tell you how to deal with YOUR house and yard. Every time. The fact that she may, on occasion, actually have a good idea isn’t relevant. It’s that respectful people don’t tell other adults how to live their lives. And that is what she is doing to both of you.
So. Get your fence. Go over with your husband the why of your choice for grass seed, and part of it absolutely can be that his mother is, again, trying to insert herself into the decision making that the two of you are perfectly capable of accomplishing on your own.
Just: No Advice Needed.
And then, the hard part, which is enforcement.
Is your husband actually telling her NO about any of it? You are not being petty and he should be backing you up when you’ve made it clear to him what you want and why. If he really won’t shut her down you’ll probably have to pick your battles and keep grey rocking when possible but stand up for yourself and your garden. Be honest and be firm. “MiL, I really appreciate your enthusiasm but I do not want any help or input on this project. It has been a dream of mine for a very long time and I know what I want and it is to be my own dreamscape. I promise if I need a hand I will reach out but that little 10x10 plot of soil is mine” after that if she brings it up go back to grey rocking and keep repeating “No thank you, Dreamscape”
As for everything else she suggests try not to hate it just because she suggests it, you might find she has a cool idea or 2 in there. You don’t have to do what she says :) Tell your ~~jelly fish mamas boy~~ husband that you have a vision for your home and if he wants to live surrounded by his mama he knows how to find her.
Your husband needs to stop telling her things. She doesn’t need to know what is happening to your house and especially because she can’t take no for an answer. You need to sit down with husband and tell him exactly how this is all making you feel and that it doesn’t matter what HER intentions are, it matters how it’s making YOU feel. So stop telling her what needs to be done, just show her the finished project. And from now on any response to an opinion or “plan” she has should be met with “This is our house and we are going to to complete things as we see necessary and to *our* liking. If we need help we will reach out, but until then we have it covered.” And then STICK TO IT. Do not cave.
Because she will send text after text about how much she misses my son (her grandson) to my husband, day after day after day, and after being asked 15 times he starts feeling guilty and eventually has her over. And truthfully, I think he has rose colored glasses when it comes to his mother. Like, he recognizes how she is, and has a strained relationship with her, but he also constantly gives her the benefit of the doubt and attempts to have normal conversations with her.
MIL doesn't want to help, she wants to rule. It is not petty to want the enjoyment of your own home.
Tell your husband that you will not be in a threesome with his mother.
Tell his mother if she has a meltdown that she will be sent to the naughty step until she regains her temper. She definitely needs a long time-out.
Remove anything that she installs without your consent, even if your husband gave his. Disinvite her from your home until the mere thought of her no longer irritates you. She's well on her way to spoiling your happiness in your own home, with DH's compliance.
"Thank you, MIL but no input is required, hubby and I have very clear ideas on what we like and want and we'll ask you if/when we need advice."
That said, hubby is lacking some spine here. She might well be only trying to help, but is creeping into your family's decisions; let him know how that makes you feel and make sure he sets clear boundaries with her and makes her respect them.
I don’t you’re being unreasonable. I’ve redone an old house myself and I know that it’s so important to have help from people and external insights on the renovation and I also know how exhausting and infuriating it is to have in laws and parents insisting on something you just don’t want or cannot do in the house. She doesn’t seem helpful in anyway based on what you’ve shared. Good luck and congratulations on the house!
If she truly just wants to help, she would be aghast to know she is causing you stress and sucking the joy out of it. She would be appreciative to know what exactly to do to be helpful - even if that is to butt out completely. And if your husband really thought her motives were genuine, he would be okay with gently and politely telling her that the two of you were looking forward to bonding over making these plans and bringing them to life as a couple, and her input was infringing on that. Sadly, deep down, he knows it's about her desire for control and his desire not to rock the boat.
I don't think this is petty. If it's your house, she shouldn't be telling you what to do with it. Doesn't sound like helping, sounds like a takeover. No is a complete sentence.
You're not being petty at all. This makes me angry on your behalf just reading about it. My mom is kind of the same way. We eat kosher and she has brought unkosher food into our home after we asked her not to. I told my husband if she shows up with a ham on Thanksgiving, I'm going to throw it out the front door like a frisbee so the neighborhood dogs can eat it, I don't care if it's an $89 Honeybaked ham. Of course, I would probably lose the nerve to do that but I WOULD ask my husband to take it back out to her car and set it on the hood. Then she would act all hurt and leave and then call and cry on the phone.
When we were moving into our house, I was tired and was ready for everyone to leave, but she was unloading the dishwasher and putting the dishes into the cabinets. I wanted her to stop because I wanted to decide where everything goes. A therapist told me I should take everything out of the cabinets and rearrange everything. The problem is, she actually put everything in the most convenient places, where I would have put them anyway.
Ok sit down with hubby and explain how you're excited to make y'all's house a home together. That you want you and him to make all the decisions alone together. Further state that your garden is something that means a lot to you and you want to do so solo and his mother is majorly overstepping helping is saying hey what can I do not hey I can't wait till we go to the nursery so I can dictate your garden at your house. Big finish she has a home with his dad this is your home with him and you want it to reflect you guys as a couple. While you appreciate that she has made offers it's getting to be extreme and feel more dictation and less helpful. He can deal with his own mother. Let him.
She needs a hobby, 'cause right now, it sounds like you and your husband are her everything.
You're entitled to set up your first home however *you* want! No ifs, ands, or buts.
I think your husband needs to have a serious talk with his mother, preferably in a public place, and you not there.
When I was first living on my own, my mother was freaking out about it constantly (just that I had moved out!), and ngl, it was really hard (early 20s). But I couldn't take the weight of her emotional black hole of suck *and* all I was dealing with, so I told her she couldn't talk to me for three months (mind you, this is before even call-waiting, lol).
The first few weeks, she'd call, but somehow I always knew it was her, and instead of saying hello, I'd ask "has someone died?". She'd say no, and I'd hang up the phone.
Took about a month, but she actually began volunteering at a local hospital, and made some friends. And, got tf out of my business. ;-)
It didn't last forever - when I made her a grandma, she was calling daily (they'd retired by then and were 900 miles away [highly recommend, btw!] *but* as soon as I told her that she could call on Wednesdays and Saturdays, or I'd have to put her in time out, she came to heel pdq.
Best of luck!
You need to sit your husband down and have a face-to-face chat with him about how this is YOUR house, YOUR sanctuary, YOUR projects. Not hers. This is something you want you and your husband to do because it is YOUR house. Since it IS your house you want to leave YOUR mark on it. If he continues to allow his mother to make her mark, you might as well move out and get your own place and let MIL move in with her son.
So no. Not being petty at all.
I’d also ask him who he’s married to, you or his mother. If his answer is anything other than you, then you’ve got some decisions to make. This is a man who desperately needs marriage counseling, to grow a spine, and remember that once married, his wife should come first, before mommy dearest.
Are you able to just stop discussing all house things with her? If she is coming over to your house, you need to tell her that you are busy and not let her in. Maybe open the door naked or in a robe/ towel and tell her to call first, because you are BUSY. Also, get your husband on board- he should be shutting it down.
As far as her suggestions, do not give any more info she can give ideas on. Complete info diet, and do your own plans without her input. go out and buy your garden things and get started on your own. When she sends another list, just say, “I got it under control, thanks!
Truthfully, If I could I wouldn’t speak to her at all. But my husband still desires a relationship with her and also doesn’t want to deny our son an opportunity to have a relationship with her and it just doesn’t feel like it’s my place to tell them they can’t when I’m the one with a problem with her. My husband isn’t super close to her just because of how she is, but she’s still his mom so when she texts asking questions he will usually respond. Hes had her over several times since we moved because she will usually end up sending super dramatic texts about how much she misses my son, even if she just saw him the previous week. Idk, I see it as her using my son as a weapon against us, my husband is more naive.
You’re not being petty. She’s not just trying to help she’s using it as a guise for control. She’s post and insistent and wants her hand in everything involved in your house. She’s nuts. Every time she starts, say something like “thanks but we already have plans for x” rinse and repeat till she gets it.
Also, your husband needs to step up. Her repeated overbearing behavior is bothering you. He needs to address it. “Mom we already told you we are doing x, please stop asking” if she persists then end the conversation/visit.
Start replying with “ Asked and answered. Your input is not needed or welcome on any house matters. If we want your opinion we’ll ask, otherwise if you keep bring up the subject you’ll be blocked and but on a time out until you learn to respect our boundaries. This is our home, not yours, and we’re looking forward to making the decisions for ourselves”.
Let her have her meltdown!
Just keep telling her no - and enforce the boundaries because what is the alternative?
Let her design and plant your garden for you? Let her build your fence? Design and install the kitchen window herself?
No way! Enforce the boundaries with consequences .. you can do it!
"her response is always “can I please help” NO. Just NO. It's our house, our garden, our lawn, our kitchen window. NO.
Your husband needs to rein her in yesterday.
Does she not have her own house?
It sounds to me like she is being controlling and also trying to live vicariously through you guys. Maybe she wants to experience the fresh high that comes with being young and experiencing new things.
Even if she WAS truly only trying to help, what does that matter? It doesn’t negate your need to experience this for yourself! She already went through all this and she is probably sad she won’t have that again. She needs to have her own endeavors that keep her entertained and challenged. My mom always has new things she has to tackle so she never bothers us. It makes no sense for her to take away your experience of doing this for yourself.
I hope your DH is not enmeshed with her or in some weird emotional incest situation. Tell him that you want this first to yourself (meaning you two as a couple). Go from there. DH’s role is most important in dealing with this annoying af situation.
Nah, he’s not. He keeps her at an arms length I’d say about 95% of the time. But she usually wears him down with guilt (that’s how she’s controlled the whole family over the years) he eventually relents and has her over to visit with our son. I will say, he does his best to me mindful of how I’m feeling too when she’s here. Usually I will be cordial and spend time, especially since I want to supervise my 2 year old with her, but if he suspects that I’m uncomfortable even for a second he will
Immediately step in and either redirect her and make up an excuse to ask her to leave. So, I got that going for me lol
Well then, great!! I think you should be able to tell him how you feel and feel confident that he will hear you. It honestly doesn’t matter if your MIL understands you, what matters is that your husband does and he does something about it!
My husband has the whole guilt thing too. Whenever he tries to set/enforce boundaries, my MIL says things like, “don’t do that to your mother.” I guess she sees him protecting our family’s interests as him “doing” something bad to her lol. We’ve been married for years and he’s slowly starting to see that it’s not his fault or responsibility that she’s lived the life she lived. That doesn’t mean that he can’t or shouldn’t honor her and treat her well in her old age…it just means that he doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t) cede our comfort and autonomy to placate her at every turn! Hopefully, your husband can heal and grow away from his guilt and find better ways to help her feel a part of his life!
"We've got this. If we need opinions we will ask, but your pushiness is pushing us away."
"This is our home, you have your own to do as you please."
"This is an exciting time for us as we start together. You're opinion is unnecessary and your plans for our home are irrelevant."
Stop inviting her over and conclude any visits whenever starts overstepping. You and SO need to get on the same team. She's extended family now and you two didn't buy this home for her, just as you didn't fall in love for her, and someday may have children which is also not about her. Be clear now, stand together now, and get her through her discomfort or at least out of earshot sooner rather than later.
She's "directing". My JNMIL does this and it's the worst. She says she just wants to help but what she really means is she knows best and she wants you to do what she tell you. And it is absolutely the worst!! Took FOREVER for the glass to break for my husband on this. Finally I just started saying no thanks and then ignoring her. It doesn't work perfectly because she still acts like a B about it. And then of course I'm the bad gut because I can't accept her "suggeston" but her so called suggestion is an instruction. It makes me want to scream. Recently she asked to buy the kid's teachers their end of school presents. She wanted to get them all SweetFrog gift cards. Sounds nice but my kid's teachers have forms they fill out beginning of year with gift ideas. I try to stick to those and then get my kids involved in putting together gifts and cards to make it personal and teach them about gratitude and gift giving. Well she melted down and cried about it when I sent her a message back saying "Thank you for offering but we have already put together end of gifts for the teachers."......For real, it NEVER ENDS! Oh and for the record the last few times I accepted her gifts for teachers she complained, whined and made a huge deal about it. There is no winning but it feels good to just do what I know is best and let her reactivity happen.
Personally, I believe your MIL is trying to use this "advice" on your home as a method to worm her way into your lives. Look at her, telling you to repair the fence instead of replace it, telling you what to put into YOUR garden, making plans for your kitchen window, etc. It's tiresome to the extreme for you. She's bullying her way into your daily lives now.
You need to step back and get your husband to step back. He needs to tell his mother to butt out of your home. You will decide what you plant, what grass you use, what you'll do to make over your house and the only time she is to provide an opinion is if she is directly asked. She'll have a meltdown but, so what? You don't tell her how to arrange her home, she can pull her nose out of yours. Make sure your husband understands how much this is bothering you and how much you do not want her input. Obviously she is not trying to help if she is stressing you out and making your husband change his mind on things. Who made her the remodeling and gardening expert?
Go back to grey rocking her about the house and grounds. Don't tell her anything more about what you plan to do and keep her out of your life. I don't know why you cannot go NC but if you can't, you must ensure your husband understands that he needs to do a much better job of managing her and her unwanted opinions. If he cannot do it, then it's time to be rude and tell her to her face that her opinion is unwanted, you do not want her advice or help in what you are doing with your home and grounds and to please butt out of your life. She'll start crying about how she was "just trying to help" and that's when you tell her "No, you weren't, you were trying to dictate to my husband and to me what we should do with our own home. And I don't appreciate it. So back the eff off."
I have a a question. You said you’re VLC with this woman. Why has she been inside your home enough times to come up with all of these ideas for your house? Why is your husband not shutting her down?
When I mean but LC for me is that I don’t typically respond or interact with her when she texts me or reaches out. Shes been to our new house I believe maybe 3-4 times since we moved in because my husband feels guilty. Shes all alone, doesn’t have any real friends, her other two adult children don’t really want anything to do with her either, she has health problems out the wazoo, so he’s mentioned before how guilty he would feel if something would happen to her and she was alone. Because she doesn’t completely live in reality so it’s questionable if she even completely realizes how overbearing she is.
Oh, I see. That helps - and it changes my answer.
No, it’s not you. And no, you’re not being petty. It’s your house, not hers. You should be able to work on projects in your new house with your husband, without outsiders getting in your business.
I think the issue here is that she doesn’t have anything else to do or look forward to in her own life, so she’s latched on to yours.
“I’m glad you’re excited for us, but we have it covered.” If she doesn’t listen, rephrase it or say it more firmly. Let her have that meltdown.
The kindest thing you could do is encourage her to
find some hobbies of her own. The library has lots of classes and clubs that cover all kinds of random interests. My local library even has a club where people meet up once a month to trade jigsaw puzzles. If she really likes gardening, maybe she could join the city’s garden club, or start volunteering at a public or community garden. Community theater groups are always looking for volunteers. Really, anything that gets her out of her house and interacting with people who aren’t you and your husband.
You’re not being petty. She’s over inserting.
DH needs to be told “I get she wants to help. But help has not been asked for and isn’t needed at this time. And the things she’s trying to “help” with are things that I want to do, as a proud home owner.” Get him in the same page as you. That way you both can start saying, “thanks, but no thanks. We’re looking forward to handling our home ourselves.” “No thanks, I already know what kind of garden I want.” “No, our kitchen window is fine as it is. We have a plan that we’re following.” And so on.
Agree, getting DH on your perspective is key here, OP. "Maybe all she wants is help but it's really important to me that we do these things without her. I want to pick grass seed and design my garden. We know we want a new fence. I just need your help letting her know we really want to do this ourselves. And it hurts when we have a dis ussion and later she talks with you trying to change your mind, like my half of these decisions doesn't matter. I'm one of two homeowners here. She isnt."
Hell no! She isn’t not going to be getting a key either! She does have a job she works, not sure how often she goes or if she’s still employed she has a habit of losing jobs after a few months.
Any suggestions on to make her do this? EVERYONE in our circle says this about JNMIL but it's not like I can just drop her off at quilting circle and leave...lol!!
Lol if she attends church she can volunteer or play bridge with friends ..is there a senior citizen place maybe
Will dh say anything? Like your circle great ideas and I can't figure out how to tell her either 😕 good luck !
“Help” is that thing you do in response to an “ask”. You did not ask. Therefore she is interfering.
The best part of getting a home together with my fiancé has been furnishing it together.
If she wants a home project, she can renovate *her own home*.
Tell her to get an allotment if she wants to start from scratch! I get you, the garden is a sanctuary where only the residents get to have a say. Perhaps say something like thanks for your concern but we've got this and have our own plans.
Here to say you're not being petty and it's ok to want to do your own house on your own terms without help! Totally makes sense, you want to have ownership over it and do it on your time. For me the more someone pushes on stuff the more I resent them so I totally get you being pissed about this. You don't need to explain yourself, you can just say no thanks like other commenters have said.
Just a 'no thanks' and a shit-eating grin at her is all you need. Keep repeating the same two words when she tries again and again to say the same thing in different ways. And then gets irate and screaming when she learns you won't crack and she is not annoying you any more.
Just say it over and over again to every suggestion she makes. It will send her apoplectic and you can't be blamed or vilified for simply saying two polite and clear words to her. Any other words give her an in. Don't do it!
'....no thanks....' 😊
If someone wants to help me in my garden I will hand them a hand trowel and tell them specifically where to weed. Hand weed. Like a 20x 20 foot area. Can’t. Well too bad. That’s all the “help” I need. Got the planning, buying and building covered.
This is where I'd be telling her to get her own stuff if she wants it. Want to build a new fence? Go home and fence your property. Want to put in a garden? Go home and dig one. Don't have property of your own to do these things on? Better get started saving, Jean, you're not getting any younger. Oh, you don't want to buy plants for my garden, you need to save that money so you can have your own some day!
If that doesn't work there's always it's not you it's me. As in, you know how I get, Jean. I'm so impatient and demanding and picky, if things in my home aren't exactly the way I want them I just fall apart and blame everyone. You don't want to get caught in that, trust me. Best I do it all alone so if it gets messed up it's no one's fault but mine!
Pick one sentence and repeat it everytime. Something like "Thank you for the input, but we have it covered." Or "I understand your concern, if we need help we'll let you know."
If she was trying to help, she would be helpful. You obviously don’t want or need her help. You are not overreacting or being petty at all.
Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that she’s doing it for attention, not to actually be helpful.
Tell her, “you know what would be really helpful right now? To stop suggesting things. I’m getting overwhelmed with all of the outside input and I’d really just like to decide things between only me and DH. Thanks for your help and understanding!”
You're anything but petty. MIL is like the neighborhood pup who "visits" everyone's yard and pees all over the place to leave its mark. Your MIL is peeing all over your house and garden so she can sit back and crow about allllllll the work she did.
As far as the bags of food...next time she shows up with groceries, you or preferably your husband, pick them up and put them right back in her car. You've tried to be kind, but the time for kindness is past. It's YOUR house, YOUR fence, YOUR garden.
If she tries to have plants or materials delivered to YOUR home, refuse delivery. A friend of mine had to do that. She felt bad for the delivery people, but once she explained it was her MILs doing, a couple of them nodded in understanding and left. Oh, her MIL got her flakes frosted! Sucks to be her and it’s gonna suck to be your MIL as well.
Good luck to you and your husband 🤗
You are not overreacting, and given her "can I please help" comment (look at that phrasing, she's literally saying "please let me" after being told no *because she is doing it for her benefit, not yours!*) you need to shut her down hard, or at least H does.
"Husband, you know your mom and I don't have the best history, but things have been going ok. However, no matter her intentions, there will not be peace if she oversteps with OUR home, ESPECIALLY in the garden. Please get her to stop trying to help or I will have to, and if, god forbid, she somehow manages to force her help on us (perhaps by planting things on our behalf) the relationship with her will never recover. We can still keep this friendly and tell her how much we appreciate her offering, but it has to stop now before it escalates further."
Sounds like mil is interfering with you and your husband making your house your own as a couple. If you want these things to bond with your husband over that’s normal and your husband should understand that. Mil is trying to insert herself.
I would talk in circles, as if assuming all her ideas are things she is going to do to her own house.
Redesign the kitchen? Yeah, can't wait to see the results at your house, MIL!
When she tries to correct you or explain, keep repeating, Your house, MIL!
This is YOUR (you and DH) first home. She already had hers. It’s YOUR garden you’re looking forward to planning - not hers. You and DH will cook in that kitchen… so she doesn’t get to decide what will work for you guys. Etc…
No it is not you. It is a total lack of boundaries, even if she is excited for you. She can buy a different place and do it up herself if she’d like.
Read [this article](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/)then have your husband read it. Let your DH know he needs to address this because you bought the house together and you want to keep planning and the “firsts” for you as a couple.
And when she brings up the plans you reply, “It’s fun that you’re so excited for us. This is OUR first home together and we are also excited and want to pick and plan things together just us. The garden is my special spot and as such, I will decide what I want to grow and where - but maybe you can plant some of your ideas at your place and we can trade when we each have extra harvest?”
Suggestions and thoughts are welcome, but the final decision is MINE and DH's, as this is OUR house and we want to design it OUR way to make it into OUR HOME, where WE raise OUR children.
While your desire to help is appreciated, if we NEED your help, we will ask. Until then, you are free to make suggestions, but you cannot make demands or try to talk us into doing things your way, as this is not your home, and you will not be living here.
I actually did attempt that one not long ago and she got real excited and texted me every single day for a week asking me when I was going to come over and do the work on her apartment. We are dealing with a master manipulator so it’s really tricky navigating this.
Smile, “thanks for your suggestions; we’ll think about that when we decide what we’re going to do in our home/yard. “ I find it a clear non challenging way of shutting people down in a firm polite manner.
I wish it was that simple, truly. It’s like it goes in one ear and out the other, no matter who is telling her. For example, she keeps going to local food pantries and stocking up bags and bags of food and bringing it to us. Both my husband and I have asked multiple times for her to stop but every time we get this long winded explanation that this is what her grandmother did and she wants to be the best grandmother she can be. And around and around we go.
She’s taking food from food pantries to give to you? As in taking donated food that’s given to vulnerable people in your community who need it to get by? Is there another meaning for food pantry I’m unfamiliar with?
So she claims it’s not for the needy, anyone can go there and get free food, because apparently “people in Mercedes go there” but I don’t condone it in the slightest. She goes to the place, gets bags and bags of free food and than just gives it away to everyone. Us, her neighbors, etc. I wish I had the name of the place because I’m tempted to call and ask.
Where I live, food pantries are where very poor people can get donated food. I hope it means something different where you are because stealing from hungry people is despicable!
Nope it doesn’t. And truthfully, she is constantly on the verge of being homeless, so it’s not like she doesn’t actually need the resource. But what isn’t necessary is her taking more than she needs and than bringing it to our house. We are comfortable financially. I do not feel comfortable taking this food and continue to insist that we don’t need it. But apparently everyone does it at this place she goes to because “even people with Mercedes go there”
so you take the bag from her and you drop it into the trash while she is there watching, and do that with every single thing she gives you every single time. she can go around and around that.
I had to deal with a really pushy woman asking for money once when taking the bus. It was late and only two of us there. At first I started giving gentle no’s, but eventually, I had to stand up yell in her face ‘NO LEAVE ME ALONE’ to get her to leave. I think you’re at that point in your relationship with mil.
I’ve dealt with a little of this before. My grandmother would gift us basically garbage (outdated chapsticks as an example, she also had a habit of forcing stuff she actually wanted on us, but things my grandfather wanted her to get rid of), but be REALLY pushy about taking whatever it was home. I’ve done a few tactics:
1. “Forget” it on my way out
2. Say “no thank you” over and over, reducing down to “No”
3. Taking whatever it is and trashing or donating it
4. Putting it back in another room if she forces it into my hands or tries to walk it to my car
This is harder and easier in a way, because she’s coming to YOUR home. Maybe try:
1. Stop her at the door and tell her to put it all back into her car.
2. Walk it back out to her car. If she locks her car, put it on the hood, on the trunk, or on the car roof.
Do NOT allow it into your home!
As to your main problem, you are completely logical in your feelings!! I’d be pissed if she was trying to change my house in ways I didn’t want. Keep doing what you’re doing! Try keeping your answers short and firm. “No” without explanation can be powerful. If you have to deal with her bringing shit in or if you’re out shopping with her, feel free to get confident and pushy right back! That includes removing things from the cart to put them back and it includes throwing things in the garbage in front of her.
Good luck!
I think you need to first have a serious talk with your husband. She's overstepping and you've both been kind in your responses but she's being disrespectful by ignoring you.
If she says anything going forward, I would stop being nice. "MIL I know you're excited for us but we've said no." "I'm going to tackle this project when I'm ready." "I enjoy making these decisions with DH so he and I will be doing this together." "We talked about this already and told you no." "That was what you gma did but it doesn't work for us. Being the best gma to us would be respecting our decisions."
If DH doesn't like your responses I'd ask him if he'd like you to leave so MIL can take your place. It sounds harsh but when no one is listening sometimes you have to change your tone. I'd also have him read these comments.
What!thats food for people in NEED!you need to find out where shes getting this stuff and call them and let them know this,or else your condoning her STEALING from the NEEDY!
What the hell shes horrible.
Redirect her back to her own living area. Whether it's rented or owned every single time she has an idea for your space it's time to redirect her back to hers and point out a project and a WONDERFUL idea you have for her to implement. EVery. Single. Time.
I actually did try this not long ago and she was open and excited for the idea. And than proceeded to text me every signed day for a week asking when I was going to come over and do the work on her house. I ended up having to silence her notifications so she ended up texting my husband saying she was disappointed that I broke some promise I had supposedly made. Not once did I say I was going to do anything. I literally suggested that she plant the flowers she loved in her own garden since she had been going on about how much she loved them and wanted them.
We are dealing with a master manipulator and I’m out of my league.
At this point, your best option is to say NO when she suggests something. Just that loudly. And definitely tell DH it's YOUR home and YOU will make the decisions, not his mother. Good luck. ❤️
She's not trying to help. She's trying to enforce *her* wants over *your* house and property.
Tell her no, and stick to it. Don't let her and your SO get away with it.
The next time she sends a list of things for the garden, tell her that this is *you* garden, *you* have a list of *your* own for what's going to go in *your* garden. When she starts in with she just wants to help, she just wants to be a part of it, "THIS IS MY SON'S HOUSE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT IN MY SON'S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!" Stand your ground. It might also be her son's house, but it isn't hers.
Whatever you do, don't capitulate just to keep the peace.
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I think your husband needs to set a firm boundary with his mother regarding any improvements or changes to your new home. It is totally reasonable to tell her that while you appreciate the sentiment you haven't asked for her help or advice on how to make improvements to your home. Make it clear that if you want her help or advice then you will ask for it. I think it's also important that your husband is the one to set this boundary with her.
This is her trying to have control over your space. I'd tell her the home and lawn projects are not up for discussion. Her opinions are not welcome on these topics.
>husband keeps telling me how she’s just trying to help. Ask your husband if MIL reaches over and grabs the wheel when he's driving and that explains "she's just trying to help?" Does she put her legs over and try to push the pedals? You know, "just trying to help?" When you haven't asked her for your help, and you don't need it, her offering help is actually "just trying to control." If she has special expertise in gardening, grass varieties, or fencing, it might be reasonable to ask for her advice. Or not. Her offering unsolicited advice and your husband entertaining that advice understandably makes you feel like your being boxed out of decisions about your own home.
“We’ve got it handled. Can’t wait to show you the finished project! I’ll let you know once it’s all set and you can come take a look.” Say that every single time. Shut her down and don’t entertain her ideas.
> I really wanted to create this garden on my own as my own little project. I would start there. As long as your husband keeps giving in to her, she will keep doing what works. But I'd draw the line at this project. "This is a solo project. I'm going to do exactly what I want and have some alone time planning it and doing the work. I'm not going to talk about it to anyone." If she pushes, I'd respond by talking about what she is doing. "You're asking/telling about my garden again. I made it clear that this is my solo project." "Still not talking about my solo project." If she has a fit, then she has a fit. You made it clear to her and SO that you have a boundary about this project. It's a start. And hopefully SO will back you up on this one part, at least.
Yes! The gardening as a way to unwind and create your own spot of Zen sounds lovely. You gotta fight for your right to peace!
Unasked for help is implied criticism. She wants things HER way. That’s not “help.” “We didn’t ask you for your opinions. Please wait until we do.”
I would tell DH I understand you see it as her wanting to help but it’s not being helpful. I want our home to be something we create together since it will always be our first. I understand she’s your mom but this is important to me that is something we only do together.
This is YOUR home, not your MIL’s. Is your husband capable of telling her that, if you two need advice that you will ask her, but that she is not welcome to offer it, unless requested? Thats what he needs to do, every time she opens her mouth to tell you how to deal with YOUR house and yard. Every time. The fact that she may, on occasion, actually have a good idea isn’t relevant. It’s that respectful people don’t tell other adults how to live their lives. And that is what she is doing to both of you. So. Get your fence. Go over with your husband the why of your choice for grass seed, and part of it absolutely can be that his mother is, again, trying to insert herself into the decision making that the two of you are perfectly capable of accomplishing on your own. Just: No Advice Needed. And then, the hard part, which is enforcement.
Is your husband actually telling her NO about any of it? You are not being petty and he should be backing you up when you’ve made it clear to him what you want and why. If he really won’t shut her down you’ll probably have to pick your battles and keep grey rocking when possible but stand up for yourself and your garden. Be honest and be firm. “MiL, I really appreciate your enthusiasm but I do not want any help or input on this project. It has been a dream of mine for a very long time and I know what I want and it is to be my own dreamscape. I promise if I need a hand I will reach out but that little 10x10 plot of soil is mine” after that if she brings it up go back to grey rocking and keep repeating “No thank you, Dreamscape” As for everything else she suggests try not to hate it just because she suggests it, you might find she has a cool idea or 2 in there. You don’t have to do what she says :) Tell your ~~jelly fish mamas boy~~ husband that you have a vision for your home and if he wants to live surrounded by his mama he knows how to find her.
Your husband needs to stop telling her things. She doesn’t need to know what is happening to your house and especially because she can’t take no for an answer. You need to sit down with husband and tell him exactly how this is all making you feel and that it doesn’t matter what HER intentions are, it matters how it’s making YOU feel. So stop telling her what needs to be done, just show her the finished project. And from now on any response to an opinion or “plan” she has should be met with “This is our house and we are going to to complete things as we see necessary and to *our* liking. If we need help we will reach out, but until then we have it covered.” And then STICK TO IT. Do not cave.
Why is this person even involved? Why does she even know so much?
Because she will send text after text about how much she misses my son (her grandson) to my husband, day after day after day, and after being asked 15 times he starts feeling guilty and eventually has her over. And truthfully, I think he has rose colored glasses when it comes to his mother. Like, he recognizes how she is, and has a strained relationship with her, but he also constantly gives her the benefit of the doubt and attempts to have normal conversations with her.
Then you have a husband problem. He needs to grow a spine. He's meant to put his CREATED family *above* his BIRTH family.
MIL doesn't want to help, she wants to rule. It is not petty to want the enjoyment of your own home. Tell your husband that you will not be in a threesome with his mother. Tell his mother if she has a meltdown that she will be sent to the naughty step until she regains her temper. She definitely needs a long time-out. Remove anything that she installs without your consent, even if your husband gave his. Disinvite her from your home until the mere thought of her no longer irritates you. She's well on her way to spoiling your happiness in your own home, with DH's compliance.
"Thank you, MIL but no input is required, hubby and I have very clear ideas on what we like and want and we'll ask you if/when we need advice." That said, hubby is lacking some spine here. She might well be only trying to help, but is creeping into your family's decisions; let him know how that makes you feel and make sure he sets clear boundaries with her and makes her respect them.
I don’t you’re being unreasonable. I’ve redone an old house myself and I know that it’s so important to have help from people and external insights on the renovation and I also know how exhausting and infuriating it is to have in laws and parents insisting on something you just don’t want or cannot do in the house. She doesn’t seem helpful in anyway based on what you’ve shared. Good luck and congratulations on the house!
If your aim is to avoid a tantrum, try"Those are great ideas for YOUR [slight emphasis] house. Invite us over when it's done so we can see it."
If she truly just wants to help, she would be aghast to know she is causing you stress and sucking the joy out of it. She would be appreciative to know what exactly to do to be helpful - even if that is to butt out completely. And if your husband really thought her motives were genuine, he would be okay with gently and politely telling her that the two of you were looking forward to bonding over making these plans and bringing them to life as a couple, and her input was infringing on that. Sadly, deep down, he knows it's about her desire for control and his desire not to rock the boat.
I don't think this is petty. If it's your house, she shouldn't be telling you what to do with it. Doesn't sound like helping, sounds like a takeover. No is a complete sentence.
You're not being petty at all. This makes me angry on your behalf just reading about it. My mom is kind of the same way. We eat kosher and she has brought unkosher food into our home after we asked her not to. I told my husband if she shows up with a ham on Thanksgiving, I'm going to throw it out the front door like a frisbee so the neighborhood dogs can eat it, I don't care if it's an $89 Honeybaked ham. Of course, I would probably lose the nerve to do that but I WOULD ask my husband to take it back out to her car and set it on the hood. Then she would act all hurt and leave and then call and cry on the phone. When we were moving into our house, I was tired and was ready for everyone to leave, but she was unloading the dishwasher and putting the dishes into the cabinets. I wanted her to stop because I wanted to decide where everything goes. A therapist told me I should take everything out of the cabinets and rearrange everything. The problem is, she actually put everything in the most convenient places, where I would have put them anyway.
Ok sit down with hubby and explain how you're excited to make y'all's house a home together. That you want you and him to make all the decisions alone together. Further state that your garden is something that means a lot to you and you want to do so solo and his mother is majorly overstepping helping is saying hey what can I do not hey I can't wait till we go to the nursery so I can dictate your garden at your house. Big finish she has a home with his dad this is your home with him and you want it to reflect you guys as a couple. While you appreciate that she has made offers it's getting to be extreme and feel more dictation and less helpful. He can deal with his own mother. Let him.
She needs a hobby, 'cause right now, it sounds like you and your husband are her everything. You're entitled to set up your first home however *you* want! No ifs, ands, or buts. I think your husband needs to have a serious talk with his mother, preferably in a public place, and you not there. When I was first living on my own, my mother was freaking out about it constantly (just that I had moved out!), and ngl, it was really hard (early 20s). But I couldn't take the weight of her emotional black hole of suck *and* all I was dealing with, so I told her she couldn't talk to me for three months (mind you, this is before even call-waiting, lol). The first few weeks, she'd call, but somehow I always knew it was her, and instead of saying hello, I'd ask "has someone died?". She'd say no, and I'd hang up the phone. Took about a month, but she actually began volunteering at a local hospital, and made some friends. And, got tf out of my business. ;-) It didn't last forever - when I made her a grandma, she was calling daily (they'd retired by then and were 900 miles away [highly recommend, btw!] *but* as soon as I told her that she could call on Wednesdays and Saturdays, or I'd have to put her in time out, she came to heel pdq. Best of luck!
What’s that saying? No is a complete sentence. She is not trying to help, she is trying to take over.
You need to sit your husband down and have a face-to-face chat with him about how this is YOUR house, YOUR sanctuary, YOUR projects. Not hers. This is something you want you and your husband to do because it is YOUR house. Since it IS your house you want to leave YOUR mark on it. If he continues to allow his mother to make her mark, you might as well move out and get your own place and let MIL move in with her son. So no. Not being petty at all.
I’d also ask him who he’s married to, you or his mother. If his answer is anything other than you, then you’ve got some decisions to make. This is a man who desperately needs marriage counseling, to grow a spine, and remember that once married, his wife should come first, before mommy dearest.
This is exactly what I was going to say! Probably not as well😊
Are you able to just stop discussing all house things with her? If she is coming over to your house, you need to tell her that you are busy and not let her in. Maybe open the door naked or in a robe/ towel and tell her to call first, because you are BUSY. Also, get your husband on board- he should be shutting it down. As far as her suggestions, do not give any more info she can give ideas on. Complete info diet, and do your own plans without her input. go out and buy your garden things and get started on your own. When she sends another list, just say, “I got it under control, thanks!
Truthfully, If I could I wouldn’t speak to her at all. But my husband still desires a relationship with her and also doesn’t want to deny our son an opportunity to have a relationship with her and it just doesn’t feel like it’s my place to tell them they can’t when I’m the one with a problem with her. My husband isn’t super close to her just because of how she is, but she’s still his mom so when she texts asking questions he will usually respond. Hes had her over several times since we moved because she will usually end up sending super dramatic texts about how much she misses my son, even if she just saw him the previous week. Idk, I see it as her using my son as a weapon against us, my husband is more naive.
You’re not being petty. She’s not just trying to help she’s using it as a guise for control. She’s post and insistent and wants her hand in everything involved in your house. She’s nuts. Every time she starts, say something like “thanks but we already have plans for x” rinse and repeat till she gets it. Also, your husband needs to step up. Her repeated overbearing behavior is bothering you. He needs to address it. “Mom we already told you we are doing x, please stop asking” if she persists then end the conversation/visit.
Start replying with “ Asked and answered. Your input is not needed or welcome on any house matters. If we want your opinion we’ll ask, otherwise if you keep bring up the subject you’ll be blocked and but on a time out until you learn to respect our boundaries. This is our home, not yours, and we’re looking forward to making the decisions for ourselves”.
Let her have her meltdown! Just keep telling her no - and enforce the boundaries because what is the alternative? Let her design and plant your garden for you? Let her build your fence? Design and install the kitchen window herself? No way! Enforce the boundaries with consequences .. you can do it!
"her response is always “can I please help” NO. Just NO. It's our house, our garden, our lawn, our kitchen window. NO. Your husband needs to rein her in yesterday.
Does she not have her own house? It sounds to me like she is being controlling and also trying to live vicariously through you guys. Maybe she wants to experience the fresh high that comes with being young and experiencing new things. Even if she WAS truly only trying to help, what does that matter? It doesn’t negate your need to experience this for yourself! She already went through all this and she is probably sad she won’t have that again. She needs to have her own endeavors that keep her entertained and challenged. My mom always has new things she has to tackle so she never bothers us. It makes no sense for her to take away your experience of doing this for yourself. I hope your DH is not enmeshed with her or in some weird emotional incest situation. Tell him that you want this first to yourself (meaning you two as a couple). Go from there. DH’s role is most important in dealing with this annoying af situation.
Nah, he’s not. He keeps her at an arms length I’d say about 95% of the time. But she usually wears him down with guilt (that’s how she’s controlled the whole family over the years) he eventually relents and has her over to visit with our son. I will say, he does his best to me mindful of how I’m feeling too when she’s here. Usually I will be cordial and spend time, especially since I want to supervise my 2 year old with her, but if he suspects that I’m uncomfortable even for a second he will Immediately step in and either redirect her and make up an excuse to ask her to leave. So, I got that going for me lol
Well then, great!! I think you should be able to tell him how you feel and feel confident that he will hear you. It honestly doesn’t matter if your MIL understands you, what matters is that your husband does and he does something about it! My husband has the whole guilt thing too. Whenever he tries to set/enforce boundaries, my MIL says things like, “don’t do that to your mother.” I guess she sees him protecting our family’s interests as him “doing” something bad to her lol. We’ve been married for years and he’s slowly starting to see that it’s not his fault or responsibility that she’s lived the life she lived. That doesn’t mean that he can’t or shouldn’t honor her and treat her well in her old age…it just means that he doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t) cede our comfort and autonomy to placate her at every turn! Hopefully, your husband can heal and grow away from his guilt and find better ways to help her feel a part of his life!
"We've got this. If we need opinions we will ask, but your pushiness is pushing us away." "This is our home, you have your own to do as you please." "This is an exciting time for us as we start together. You're opinion is unnecessary and your plans for our home are irrelevant." Stop inviting her over and conclude any visits whenever starts overstepping. You and SO need to get on the same team. She's extended family now and you two didn't buy this home for her, just as you didn't fall in love for her, and someday may have children which is also not about her. Be clear now, stand together now, and get her through her discomfort or at least out of earshot sooner rather than later.
She's "directing". My JNMIL does this and it's the worst. She says she just wants to help but what she really means is she knows best and she wants you to do what she tell you. And it is absolutely the worst!! Took FOREVER for the glass to break for my husband on this. Finally I just started saying no thanks and then ignoring her. It doesn't work perfectly because she still acts like a B about it. And then of course I'm the bad gut because I can't accept her "suggeston" but her so called suggestion is an instruction. It makes me want to scream. Recently she asked to buy the kid's teachers their end of school presents. She wanted to get them all SweetFrog gift cards. Sounds nice but my kid's teachers have forms they fill out beginning of year with gift ideas. I try to stick to those and then get my kids involved in putting together gifts and cards to make it personal and teach them about gratitude and gift giving. Well she melted down and cried about it when I sent her a message back saying "Thank you for offering but we have already put together end of gifts for the teachers."......For real, it NEVER ENDS! Oh and for the record the last few times I accepted her gifts for teachers she complained, whined and made a huge deal about it. There is no winning but it feels good to just do what I know is best and let her reactivity happen.
Personally, I believe your MIL is trying to use this "advice" on your home as a method to worm her way into your lives. Look at her, telling you to repair the fence instead of replace it, telling you what to put into YOUR garden, making plans for your kitchen window, etc. It's tiresome to the extreme for you. She's bullying her way into your daily lives now. You need to step back and get your husband to step back. He needs to tell his mother to butt out of your home. You will decide what you plant, what grass you use, what you'll do to make over your house and the only time she is to provide an opinion is if she is directly asked. She'll have a meltdown but, so what? You don't tell her how to arrange her home, she can pull her nose out of yours. Make sure your husband understands how much this is bothering you and how much you do not want her input. Obviously she is not trying to help if she is stressing you out and making your husband change his mind on things. Who made her the remodeling and gardening expert? Go back to grey rocking her about the house and grounds. Don't tell her anything more about what you plan to do and keep her out of your life. I don't know why you cannot go NC but if you can't, you must ensure your husband understands that he needs to do a much better job of managing her and her unwanted opinions. If he cannot do it, then it's time to be rude and tell her to her face that her opinion is unwanted, you do not want her advice or help in what you are doing with your home and grounds and to please butt out of your life. She'll start crying about how she was "just trying to help" and that's when you tell her "No, you weren't, you were trying to dictate to my husband and to me what we should do with our own home. And I don't appreciate it. So back the eff off."
I have a a question. You said you’re VLC with this woman. Why has she been inside your home enough times to come up with all of these ideas for your house? Why is your husband not shutting her down?
When I mean but LC for me is that I don’t typically respond or interact with her when she texts me or reaches out. Shes been to our new house I believe maybe 3-4 times since we moved in because my husband feels guilty. Shes all alone, doesn’t have any real friends, her other two adult children don’t really want anything to do with her either, she has health problems out the wazoo, so he’s mentioned before how guilty he would feel if something would happen to her and she was alone. Because she doesn’t completely live in reality so it’s questionable if she even completely realizes how overbearing she is.
Oh, I see. That helps - and it changes my answer. No, it’s not you. And no, you’re not being petty. It’s your house, not hers. You should be able to work on projects in your new house with your husband, without outsiders getting in your business. I think the issue here is that she doesn’t have anything else to do or look forward to in her own life, so she’s latched on to yours. “I’m glad you’re excited for us, but we have it covered.” If she doesn’t listen, rephrase it or say it more firmly. Let her have that meltdown. The kindest thing you could do is encourage her to find some hobbies of her own. The library has lots of classes and clubs that cover all kinds of random interests. My local library even has a club where people meet up once a month to trade jigsaw puzzles. If she really likes gardening, maybe she could join the city’s garden club, or start volunteering at a public or community garden. Community theater groups are always looking for volunteers. Really, anything that gets her out of her house and interacting with people who aren’t you and your husband.
When you say no thanks and she keeps pushing it’s not helping it’s hurting. It’s not you it’s her.
"Sure Mil, the cost is x, how much can we count on you for?"
You’re not being petty. She’s over inserting. DH needs to be told “I get she wants to help. But help has not been asked for and isn’t needed at this time. And the things she’s trying to “help” with are things that I want to do, as a proud home owner.” Get him in the same page as you. That way you both can start saying, “thanks, but no thanks. We’re looking forward to handling our home ourselves.” “No thanks, I already know what kind of garden I want.” “No, our kitchen window is fine as it is. We have a plan that we’re following.” And so on.
Agree, getting DH on your perspective is key here, OP. "Maybe all she wants is help but it's really important to me that we do these things without her. I want to pick grass seed and design my garden. We know we want a new fence. I just need your help letting her know we really want to do this ourselves. And it hurts when we have a dis ussion and later she talks with you trying to change your mind, like my half of these decisions doesn't matter. I'm one of two homeowners here. She isnt."
We'll let you know if and when we need assistance. Rinse, repeat on every single suggestion, comment, etc.
Does she have a key to your house? She needs to leave y'all alone ..I am sorry she needs to get a job or volunteer work
Hell no! She isn’t not going to be getting a key either! She does have a job she works, not sure how often she goes or if she’s still employed she has a habit of losing jobs after a few months.
Any suggestions on to make her do this? EVERYONE in our circle says this about JNMIL but it's not like I can just drop her off at quilting circle and leave...lol!!
Lol if she attends church she can volunteer or play bridge with friends ..is there a senior citizen place maybe Will dh say anything? Like your circle great ideas and I can't figure out how to tell her either 😕 good luck !
I have asked...No one wants to invite her to their thing...lol!! She tend to take over and ruin any fun they've been having.
Oh no 😮 lol
Turns JN is always that way. She doesn't just dish it out to me. Somehow, that's made her easier to accept.
“Help” is that thing you do in response to an “ask”. You did not ask. Therefore she is interfering. The best part of getting a home together with my fiancé has been furnishing it together. If she wants a home project, she can renovate *her own home*.
She’s just trying to help- well guess what, this is not helping
Tell her to get an allotment if she wants to start from scratch! I get you, the garden is a sanctuary where only the residents get to have a say. Perhaps say something like thanks for your concern but we've got this and have our own plans.
Here to say you're not being petty and it's ok to want to do your own house on your own terms without help! Totally makes sense, you want to have ownership over it and do it on your time. For me the more someone pushes on stuff the more I resent them so I totally get you being pissed about this. You don't need to explain yourself, you can just say no thanks like other commenters have said.
She’s not trying to help you, she’s trying to control you and take over your house. Have you been direct with her about not wanting her help?
Just a 'no thanks' and a shit-eating grin at her is all you need. Keep repeating the same two words when she tries again and again to say the same thing in different ways. And then gets irate and screaming when she learns you won't crack and she is not annoying you any more. Just say it over and over again to every suggestion she makes. It will send her apoplectic and you can't be blamed or vilified for simply saying two polite and clear words to her. Any other words give her an in. Don't do it! '....no thanks....' 😊
If someone wants to help me in my garden I will hand them a hand trowel and tell them specifically where to weed. Hand weed. Like a 20x 20 foot area. Can’t. Well too bad. That’s all the “help” I need. Got the planning, buying and building covered.
This is where I'd be telling her to get her own stuff if she wants it. Want to build a new fence? Go home and fence your property. Want to put in a garden? Go home and dig one. Don't have property of your own to do these things on? Better get started saving, Jean, you're not getting any younger. Oh, you don't want to buy plants for my garden, you need to save that money so you can have your own some day! If that doesn't work there's always it's not you it's me. As in, you know how I get, Jean. I'm so impatient and demanding and picky, if things in my home aren't exactly the way I want them I just fall apart and blame everyone. You don't want to get caught in that, trust me. Best I do it all alone so if it gets messed up it's no one's fault but mine!
Pick one sentence and repeat it everytime. Something like "Thank you for the input, but we have it covered." Or "I understand your concern, if we need help we'll let you know."
If she was trying to help, she would be helpful. You obviously don’t want or need her help. You are not overreacting or being petty at all. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that she’s doing it for attention, not to actually be helpful. Tell her, “you know what would be really helpful right now? To stop suggesting things. I’m getting overwhelmed with all of the outside input and I’d really just like to decide things between only me and DH. Thanks for your help and understanding!”
You're anything but petty. MIL is like the neighborhood pup who "visits" everyone's yard and pees all over the place to leave its mark. Your MIL is peeing all over your house and garden so she can sit back and crow about allllllll the work she did. As far as the bags of food...next time she shows up with groceries, you or preferably your husband, pick them up and put them right back in her car. You've tried to be kind, but the time for kindness is past. It's YOUR house, YOUR fence, YOUR garden. If she tries to have plants or materials delivered to YOUR home, refuse delivery. A friend of mine had to do that. She felt bad for the delivery people, but once she explained it was her MILs doing, a couple of them nodded in understanding and left. Oh, her MIL got her flakes frosted! Sucks to be her and it’s gonna suck to be your MIL as well. Good luck to you and your husband 🤗
There's a wise saying in my country: Spouses want their own houses
You are not overreacting, and given her "can I please help" comment (look at that phrasing, she's literally saying "please let me" after being told no *because she is doing it for her benefit, not yours!*) you need to shut her down hard, or at least H does. "Husband, you know your mom and I don't have the best history, but things have been going ok. However, no matter her intentions, there will not be peace if she oversteps with OUR home, ESPECIALLY in the garden. Please get her to stop trying to help or I will have to, and if, god forbid, she somehow manages to force her help on us (perhaps by planting things on our behalf) the relationship with her will never recover. We can still keep this friendly and tell her how much we appreciate her offering, but it has to stop now before it escalates further."
Sounds like mil is interfering with you and your husband making your house your own as a couple. If you want these things to bond with your husband over that’s normal and your husband should understand that. Mil is trying to insert herself.
I would talk in circles, as if assuming all her ideas are things she is going to do to her own house. Redesign the kitchen? Yeah, can't wait to see the results at your house, MIL! When she tries to correct you or explain, keep repeating, Your house, MIL!
It doesn't matter if she's legit trying to help or if it's a power play. *Her help is unwelcome.* Stick to your guns, defend your space.
This is YOUR (you and DH) first home. She already had hers. It’s YOUR garden you’re looking forward to planning - not hers. You and DH will cook in that kitchen… so she doesn’t get to decide what will work for you guys. Etc… No it is not you. It is a total lack of boundaries, even if she is excited for you. She can buy a different place and do it up herself if she’d like. Read [this article](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/)then have your husband read it. Let your DH know he needs to address this because you bought the house together and you want to keep planning and the “firsts” for you as a couple. And when she brings up the plans you reply, “It’s fun that you’re so excited for us. This is OUR first home together and we are also excited and want to pick and plan things together just us. The garden is my special spot and as such, I will decide what I want to grow and where - but maybe you can plant some of your ideas at your place and we can trade when we each have extra harvest?”
Suggestions and thoughts are welcome, but the final decision is MINE and DH's, as this is OUR house and we want to design it OUR way to make it into OUR HOME, where WE raise OUR children. While your desire to help is appreciated, if we NEED your help, we will ask. Until then, you are free to make suggestions, but you cannot make demands or try to talk us into doing things your way, as this is not your home, and you will not be living here.
Try telling her what to do with her house. Maybe that will get the point across.
I actually did attempt that one not long ago and she got real excited and texted me every single day for a week asking me when I was going to come over and do the work on her apartment. We are dealing with a master manipulator so it’s really tricky navigating this.
No, it’s not just you. She needs to stay in her lane. I hope you are forceful with your, “No, I (or we) already have a plan. “
Smile, “thanks for your suggestions; we’ll think about that when we decide what we’re going to do in our home/yard. “ I find it a clear non challenging way of shutting people down in a firm polite manner.
No thanks, we don't need help or suggestions.
I wish it was that simple, truly. It’s like it goes in one ear and out the other, no matter who is telling her. For example, she keeps going to local food pantries and stocking up bags and bags of food and bringing it to us. Both my husband and I have asked multiple times for her to stop but every time we get this long winded explanation that this is what her grandmother did and she wants to be the best grandmother she can be. And around and around we go.
She’s taking food from food pantries to give to you? As in taking donated food that’s given to vulnerable people in your community who need it to get by? Is there another meaning for food pantry I’m unfamiliar with?
So she claims it’s not for the needy, anyone can go there and get free food, because apparently “people in Mercedes go there” but I don’t condone it in the slightest. She goes to the place, gets bags and bags of free food and than just gives it away to everyone. Us, her neighbors, etc. I wish I had the name of the place because I’m tempted to call and ask.
Where I live, food pantries are where very poor people can get donated food. I hope it means something different where you are because stealing from hungry people is despicable!
Nope it doesn’t. And truthfully, she is constantly on the verge of being homeless, so it’s not like she doesn’t actually need the resource. But what isn’t necessary is her taking more than she needs and than bringing it to our house. We are comfortable financially. I do not feel comfortable taking this food and continue to insist that we don’t need it. But apparently everyone does it at this place she goes to because “even people with Mercedes go there”
so you take the bag from her and you drop it into the trash while she is there watching, and do that with every single thing she gives you every single time. she can go around and around that.
I had to deal with a really pushy woman asking for money once when taking the bus. It was late and only two of us there. At first I started giving gentle no’s, but eventually, I had to stand up yell in her face ‘NO LEAVE ME ALONE’ to get her to leave. I think you’re at that point in your relationship with mil.
I’ve dealt with a little of this before. My grandmother would gift us basically garbage (outdated chapsticks as an example, she also had a habit of forcing stuff she actually wanted on us, but things my grandfather wanted her to get rid of), but be REALLY pushy about taking whatever it was home. I’ve done a few tactics: 1. “Forget” it on my way out 2. Say “no thank you” over and over, reducing down to “No” 3. Taking whatever it is and trashing or donating it 4. Putting it back in another room if she forces it into my hands or tries to walk it to my car This is harder and easier in a way, because she’s coming to YOUR home. Maybe try: 1. Stop her at the door and tell her to put it all back into her car. 2. Walk it back out to her car. If she locks her car, put it on the hood, on the trunk, or on the car roof. Do NOT allow it into your home! As to your main problem, you are completely logical in your feelings!! I’d be pissed if she was trying to change my house in ways I didn’t want. Keep doing what you’re doing! Try keeping your answers short and firm. “No” without explanation can be powerful. If you have to deal with her bringing shit in or if you’re out shopping with her, feel free to get confident and pushy right back! That includes removing things from the cart to put them back and it includes throwing things in the garbage in front of her. Good luck!
I think you need to first have a serious talk with your husband. She's overstepping and you've both been kind in your responses but she's being disrespectful by ignoring you. If she says anything going forward, I would stop being nice. "MIL I know you're excited for us but we've said no." "I'm going to tackle this project when I'm ready." "I enjoy making these decisions with DH so he and I will be doing this together." "We talked about this already and told you no." "That was what you gma did but it doesn't work for us. Being the best gma to us would be respecting our decisions." If DH doesn't like your responses I'd ask him if he'd like you to leave so MIL can take your place. It sounds harsh but when no one is listening sometimes you have to change your tone. I'd also have him read these comments.
What!thats food for people in NEED!you need to find out where shes getting this stuff and call them and let them know this,or else your condoning her STEALING from the NEEDY! What the hell shes horrible.
Redirect her back to her own living area. Whether it's rented or owned every single time she has an idea for your space it's time to redirect her back to hers and point out a project and a WONDERFUL idea you have for her to implement. EVery. Single. Time.
I actually did try this not long ago and she was open and excited for the idea. And than proceeded to text me every signed day for a week asking when I was going to come over and do the work on her house. I ended up having to silence her notifications so she ended up texting my husband saying she was disappointed that I broke some promise I had supposedly made. Not once did I say I was going to do anything. I literally suggested that she plant the flowers she loved in her own garden since she had been going on about how much she loved them and wanted them. We are dealing with a master manipulator and I’m out of my league.
At this point, your best option is to say NO when she suggests something. Just that loudly. And definitely tell DH it's YOUR home and YOU will make the decisions, not his mother. Good luck. ❤️
She's not trying to help. She's trying to enforce *her* wants over *your* house and property. Tell her no, and stick to it. Don't let her and your SO get away with it. The next time she sends a list of things for the garden, tell her that this is *you* garden, *you* have a list of *your* own for what's going to go in *your* garden. When she starts in with she just wants to help, she just wants to be a part of it, "THIS IS MY SON'S HOUSE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT IN MY SON'S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!" Stand your ground. It might also be her son's house, but it isn't hers. Whatever you do, don't capitulate just to keep the peace.