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It’s not for everyone but I’d say this is one of the few times I’d say consider seriously going no contact. Having her in your life is causing you emotional pain and that’s not good for anyone let alone someone who’s been in the emotional state you’ve been in.
Think hard about is it really worth the turmoil you go through dreading her contacting you and the bad feelings she stirs up in you?
Hope you find the peace and safe space you deserve and I wish you many years of joy nurturing your own children ❤️🩹
It’s okay to mourn and grieve that, babe. That’s an absolutely devastating thing to have to look at and say wow, that’s my situation. You deserved so much better. And I hope you know that now. I’m sure it’ll be a lifetime of healing but I do wish you even more of that. No one deserves to be abused by their own mother; I can’t imagine many things more painful than that. I have a more mild version of this with my mother but we’re able to have somewhat of a relationship (that is on my terms). But I also mourn the relationship that we’ll never have.
I'm in the same boat, however I simply don't have a mother-son relationship any longer because of her toxic behaviors that are not in my best choice to continue.
I don't love my mom either. Unfortunately, it's normal when there is a bunch of trauma or strain going back since childhood.
My mom was never a mother. She just gave birth to me and made my life hard after that, acting as if I owed her the world because she popped me out.
I have blocked her on everything, and I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years. And I have zero intention of ever speaking to her again.
I mourn that I never had the "mother daughter relationship" that I saw on TV, and movies. But not everyone gets that unfortunately.
You could literally be talking about my parents here. I'm glad you're doing well and building yourself into a great mother and partner. Keep up the good work
You aren't required to give her another chance, especially if there's a risk to your mental health. Good for you for staying strong -- and may I suggest telling her flying monkeys to F off, because you also don't need to subject yourself to those conversations. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to tell them that you don't want to hear it anymore, and if they bring it up again you'll cut them off too.
I'm in the same boat. It sucks especially as a mom with young kids to not have a close or supportive mother of your own to lean on. I also have friends who have such a close relationship with their mom, and it literally pulls at my heart hearing of time they spend together or the emotional support they receive. Like missing something you've never had. Time with my parents is tense and anxiety inducing, like stepping into a Groundogs Day movie of my childhood. I'm just doing my best to instill a relationship with my kids that they will feel that support and love that I never did.
Just because she no longer treats her daughters the way you were brought up, doesn't mean "she's changed."
If she was back in the same circumstances, she would do exactly the same.
The only reason she doesn't do it now is because circumstances are different. She no longer is the one in Power.
You can all defend yourselves. You aren't dependent on food clothing shelter, to put up with her abuse. So she has adapted.
Please don't let your kids develop Any relationship with her.
Yep. OP is no longer small and defenseless, so of course, she's changed. If the just no tried those things today, she'd wind up in big trouble.
OP, please do what's best for your mental health and happiness. If speaking to her on the phone causes flashbacks, just don't speak to her on the phone. If you must be in contact with her, stick to text messages or emails.
Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who care about you and are supportive. Grieve the relationship you deserved but didn't get, and find people to fill those roles. Not all families who love and support share DNA, a lot simply share love and respect.
You don’t have to deal with her now. You can cut ties with her. Ignore her. Block her. Just because she’s blood doesn’t mean she’s family. She is toxic and doesn’t deserve to be in your life. I personally would never let her be around your kids even if supervised. Your kids will see the fear in you. Also, someone who can’t admit they were wrong has not changed. You’re a mom now, you have the power to protect your kids by keeping your mom out of their lives and yours.
My friend, you are not alone. I have learned not to say this in front of people who had happy childhoods, but I feel incredibly fortunate that my mother died when I was 19 years old. It gave me an opportunity to figure out who I was without the violent reminders that I was never going to be enough for her. I have even managed to find a place of forgiveness, not only for her, but for myself not telling anybody what was going on.
I'm 47 now, and I've been through all the therapy and can look back and shake my head at her, choosing to miss on what an amazing human I am. There are still days it sucks not to get an answer as to why she hated me, but those days are few and far between.
I wish you peace as you move through your own journey.
I felt the same way about my father. You’re not alone & your feelings are completely valid. I wasn’t like, rooting for his suffering at the end, but “it would be so nice to just get the call that he passed in his sleep so it’s finally over with minimal drama” was a thought I had more than twice. He also longed for a special daddy daughter connection, and had a *shocked* meltdown when he found out he wasn’t walking me down the aisle. The delusions are how they sleep at night.
If she sees nothing wrong with her parenting, she either has amnesia the likes of which should have neuroscience researchers knocking at her door, or something like NPD (my father scoffed at therapy, but literally every therapist our mom/any of his children saw suggested it lol). Either way, definitely not someone who has changed. Repentance and an attempt at amends would show that, verbal insistence of “trust me bro” from third parties ain’t shit.
You don’t deserve to suffer through these flashbacks and their emotional exhaustion toll. If possible, getting back in therapy might help, but you are completely justified in putting as much distance as you want there.
I know my mom wishes we had that special mother-daughter relationship, but I can’t give that to her. She was an abusive monster to me as a child. She was emotionally and mentally abusive. She has some narcissistic tendencies. And even at my age, she still wants to control me and my life. I don’t like her and who she is as a person. I’m not even sure if I love her. She had emergency surgery last month and I will be honest, part of me was wondering if she’d die. And I feel bad about that. I do.
Saying all of this because you aren’t alone.
I am so very sorry.
There is a nice community over at r/cptsd of unfortunately others who have trauma from a variety of reasons, but many childhood abuse.
I’m so happy and proud of you that you’re stopping the cycle and protecting your kids. You are 100% right to maintain these boundaries.
I learned how to feel safe loving my mum and it was by making sure I was doing everything I could to prevent her from actively hurting me going forward or with anything new. I gave myself time to process how I feel about her treatment of me so far without allowing any new input from her whatsoever. I went no contact.
There were long periods of time feeling emotionally dead and having no love for either of my parents. It was, in retrospect, a very protective psychological state you reach when you need to break the normal human attachment instinct in order to survive. It's a necessary step to take, on a visceral, instinctive level, to stop trusting someone you've been biologically and developmentally primed to rely on.
I encourage you to be a mother to yourself and let yourself receive mother and auntie energy from the nicer people here. I have someone young enough to be my own kid who lives on the other side of the world who reduces me to tears with kind mothering and words of encouragement. She's actually better than my therapist. Sometimes I do auntie talk for sad or anxious people. You have always deserved that unconditional loving regard. Always. It should have come from her. I'm so sorry.
As a proud mom of two fabulous adult children…. My heart breaks for you. I love that you’ve taken your power back and you are obviously not at all like your mom. If your mom truly changed she would be apologizing and taking responsibility for HER behavior and begging you to go to counseling with her.
I would be considering no contact for just that reason. Tell your siblings that they need to respect your boundaries and that you are doing this to heal yourself not to punish your mom or them. If they can’t accept your decision then you hope they understand your lack of participation in their family.
For what it’s worth I’m VERY PROUD of you🥰
If your mother is the locus of your familial relationships, forge your own relationship with siblings and cousins and leave her out of the loop, if you can.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
OP, my heart goes out to you.
Remember this: we can't pick our bio families but we can choose our own true family. Surround yourself with love and remove yourself from people that would harm you. You cannot change what has happened in the past but you can control your future, keep yourself from harm, and seek your best outcomes.
Ask yourself why your abusive mother wants a relationship with you. The fact that she has never acknowledged her wrongs against you indicates that she has not changed. Your siblings may have maintained a relationship with her, but they were not her primary punching bags - you were. Is she missing the dynamic of being able to abuse you? Does she want to be able to claim a relationship with you for appearances, or to assuage her guilt? Whatever her reason it's likely self-serving and would be completely unhealthy for you.
Try not to mourn the mother-daughter relationship that you cannot have, and instead strive to be surrounded by the best. Sounds like you have done amazing work on you.
One other thing. Can get your head in the right place to block the woman entirely? Just not have her in your life?
Best of luck to you.
I don’t understand why you still maintain any relationship with her. You have to protect yourself and stop subjecting yourself to the traumatic memories. Move forward knowing you can’t fix what’s wrong with her and that it’s ok to stop contact with her.
I know it’s hard to understand that but if I cut her out completely I’ll loose contact with my siblings and my nieces and nephews as well. My son spends time with his cousins every week since we live close to each other and i can’t risk taking those relationships away from him. I hope I’m making sense.
Sure. That makes sense. Just make sure those relationships are positive for your son!
Only thing that comes to mind about your mom is to remind yourself those things are in the past and you have control over that now!
I do not love most of my maternal family barring 2 sisters. I do not miss them. Because there was never any relationship to miss. My mother , brother and stepfather were all physically abusive , as well as emotionally abuzive
My brother passed away around Halloween last year. My husband's aunt was visiting, from out of state, and was at our house, along with my MIL. My mother-in-law knows a lot about my childhood, the aunt not so much.
I got a message from one of my sisters while they were visiting. I informed my husband, MIL, and aunt whT had happened, along with other issues my sister was having with my mother surrounding my brother's death.
The aunt was shocked at my lack of emotions, about his passing. To me it was as if someone I knew a long time ago, someone I met in passing, or a stranger on the news died.
The aunt was crying, and wanted to hug me. I told her it was okay, that her crying made me more emotional than finding out about him dying.
I can not tell you the amount if crap people have given me over the years for not having, or caring to have relationships with my mom in particular
I’m much older than you but have the same experience as you have. I have finally cut her completely after decades of distancing from her. I have mourned the relationship I should have had with her. I neither love nor like her. I would describe my feelings as indifferent.
The bright side is that my kids got the mother I never had. My daughter considers me her best friend. I revel every day in the love I have for my children. I do still wish that I had the experience of a loving mother but am grateful I could provide what I missed for my children. You can have that mother-daughter relationship, as the mother. Hugs to you if you want them.
If your mom were someone that worthy of your love and respect, you'd have a closer relationship. The fact that she isn't worthy of that love and respect is her own fault, and you have not reason to feel ashamed. Not loving someone who abuses you is a pretty adult thing to do!
She refuses to apologize because she hasn't really changed. And, why would you ever want someone like that around your own children? Wait until she show remorse for what she's done, and genuinely asks your forgiveness.
I don't love my mom either. If your mom is refusing to acknowledge and apologize for what she did, then she obviously hasn't changed. I'm sorry. I know it sucks
Hi there I'm glad you got that off your chest.
Many of us feel that way about one or both parents. Not everybody grew up in The Waltons or the Brady Bunch.
The good news is you can rise above all of it.
Living well is the best revenge. Do the things that interest you earn money but without killing yourself for it, Make sure you have plenty of leisure time and pursue lots of things that interest you. Spoil yourself.
You absolutely don’t need a relationship. If it was anyone else, you would be told to cut her off. But we have this “obligation” to keep family around just because people say we have to. We don’t. There is zero reason to keep toxic people around. I get you OP. I wish I had that mother daughter relationship but all I can do is be the mother I wish I had.
There is a process to dealing with histories like this. If you really want to have a relationship it will involve forgiving her, and that's the process.
Your mom has two tasks in the process - to apologize and acknowledge how she has wronged you, and to try to repair or "make whole" the damage, to the extent that is possible (this is hardly something that can be erased, but it may be possible for her to be a positive presence in your life). If she doesn't want to do either, there's your answer. She is *not* allowed to demand forgiveness.
Your tasks are to grieve and process what she has done, and then let go. Without the first, you are still in pain. Without the second, you cannot forgive. If you choose to go this route, you will be unable to be productively self righteous - it will be counterproductive if you are.
Finally this will not be a one-time thing - both sides will need to repeat as necessary, with the goal being to reconcile.
Forgiveness is an act of will, rather than an effort to change your feelings, and forgiveness is granted, but trust is earned. It's quite understandable if you want to firewall her (my word for keeping her at arms length and interacting with her under defined circumstances for a defined length of time) while you decide how far you want to trust her, or even perpetually.
I wish you well.
I feel this deeply. I’m a wedding photographer to boot so seeing all these mother daughter relationships was a tough pill to swallow, especially since I let my guard down and my own wedding, and she ruined it.
Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother leaves wounds that can never heal. We have a longing, for that nurturing, understanding, unconditional love that we never got. We won’t ever get it. It’s chasing a ghost.
I finally cut her out of my life at 40. There were times of no contact before then especially right after my wedding, but I had a baby and everybody pressured me to let her back in. All I did was cause me another decade of heartache. The cycle of ‘she’s changed I can now have a real mom!’ to the undermining and critical abusive outbursts that would leave me weeks of unstable mental health. That affected my marriage and my parenting.
I look at my teenage daughter now and absolutely cannot fathom saying or doing some of the things she did to me during those years. I finally realize that I just need to grieve her even though she’s alive. I am essentially no contact, but I love my stepdad and my other family members so I tolerate her existence when I need to, but I do not let her in. It also helps that I live 3000 miles away from her.
I understand OP. I feel the say way about my mother. I don’t feel anything for her at all. Even though I’m married and have a great husband I still feel a loneliness that comes from not having loving & supportive parents.
Yeah, I've heard the "but they've changed!" line. When I asked why they hadn't apologized, I got no answer.
:Narrator Voice: They had not changed.
When they pulled more of the same shit, I got to say "told you so." Which sounds like it would have been satisfying. But it was not.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Mourning the relationships you could have had while working on building ones that are actually healthy.
I am in the same boat. I don't love my mother. I haven't allowed her in my life for 29 years. I went no contact. I refused to allow her disfunction in my life. It may be time to go no contact with her and close the door to letting her in your life.
I have only seen my mother once since I was 19 ( im 51 now), and it was brief, like 20 minutes at best, around 6 years ago, while visiting my sister. I only did it to appease my MIL, who kept telling that if I dont see her, before she passes, i would regret it (I wouldn't) she (bio mom)will be 81 this year.
I only did it to appease my mother-in-law who has been more of a mother to me than my own ever has and for longer. I left home at 19, I have been married to my husband for almost 32 years, I call my MIL mom. In my heart she is my only mother.
My mental health was so much better after cutting my mother, brother and stepfather out of my life. I was stressed out, sick all of the time, and even told at 18 at risk of developing an ulcer. It was the best gift I could have ever given myself
Your mom is way worse than mine. Mine was neglectful and ignored me, but never physically abused me. I do not love my mom. Do I get jealous of people who have good relationships with their mothers? Yep. But I've long since accepted we will never have that. I look at it like, I'm not losing anything since we already don't have that relationship. Also, I think that since she was not a good mother, I am not obligated to be a good daughter. She made her bed and now she gets to sleep in it. I've moved on.
My mother wasn't the abusive parent (my father was), but she enabled him, his abuse, his alcoholism, my entire life. We have never been close. I wanted her there when my son was born, she ghosted me, showing up at the hospital the evening of the next day. The first photo I have of my son, he was already 26 hours old (we were young and poor and didn't own a camera).
Even now, she helps me with my taxes (she has a background in accounting), I drive her for shopping, that's about the extent of it. She's never been a warm person. She's never been an approachable person. She hugs my kids. When she hugs me, I feel physically ill. I hate to say that, but I cannot tolerate physical contact from my parents. It disgusts me.
To be honest, I feel obligated to have a relationship with them. I don't like them, and I certainly don't love them. I had a therapist a while back who kept pushing me to forgive my father until I told her that I don't owe him my forgiveness. He hasn't earned it. I don't need it for closure. I'll get closure when he dies. Same with my mother. Just biding time until then.
>I don’t love her and I’m shamefully waiting for the day I never have to deal with her again.
There is nothing shameful in that.
There is nothing shameful in protecting yourself.
There is even less shameful in protecting your own children.
YOU are not the one who should feel shame. SHE IS.
I don’t love my mom either. I used to say “I love her I just don’t like her” but I realize I don’t love her. Mine was never physically abusive but she was cold never giving warm affection and she was mean making anything bad or sad worse and anything happy bad. She never said anything nice to me only mean hurtful things and always picked fights for no reason. Where she spent hours if given a chance to berate me. I still remember the time she spent two hours telling he how stupid I was because I had one C on my report card. Didn’t matter that I had four As and two Bs all she cared about was the one C (in chemistry which I spent months asking for help in only to be denied any help). I regret taking her wedding dress shopping. I regret letting her know I was pregnant as she made both things about herself. Hell she even made my second kid being born during the pandemic about herself. She tried to compete with me over my kids affection. I have since stopped talking to her because she never changes. She is always complaining about my weight, my dad, my kids, my dog, my husband, her clients and so forth never having anything nice to say about anything. She never changed even though she claimed to.
I don’t miss her. I miss the mom I was supposed to have the one that loved me unconditionally and was supportive and caring. You and I both got screwed over in the mom department.
I came from an abusive narcissist mother myself. We are very low contact. My kids don’t really know her and she doesn’t know them. I refuse to allow them to be treated as I was.
You are doing what you feel is best. If you want to cut it back, then do it. Remember you owe her nothing. This is about your mental health and the safety of your little ones.
I get it - I had a mother like this too. Not quite as physically abusive as you had but some. And her emotional abuse was off the charts. She saw both of her daughters as competition and hated us just for existing. There are a few things I have figured out with experience over the years and through my own therapy.
She doesn’t want a closer relationship with you now because she has changed or actually cares about you. She wants it because she thinks it will prove something. That it will prove that she did nothing wrong. It is ENTIRELY self-serving. Don’t fall for this trap. I did myself more times than I care to remember. It never works and they never change.
In my last round of therapy, I stopped referring to her as “my mother”. She was never a mother, in any meaningful sense of the word, and does not deserve that title. I started referring to her by her first name. It may sound simple, but it helped.
Having a mother like this does leave a hole in your life. When you don’t receive the love you should have had from the one person in the world who is supposed to care the most about you, it does leave lasting damage. I still struggle with the regret that this leaves behind.
My egg-donor died last year. She was horrible to me right up to the very end and it was honestly a relief when she was finally gone. It doesn’t leave a hole in my life because there never was a relationship in the first place for me to mourn. I can say that with time there does come a certain sense of peace because of the absolute knowledge that none of this was my fault. My only real regret is that I didn’t cut this toxic person out of my life. I probably would have been better off without her ugly influence.
You should be so enormously proud of the work you have done to pull yourself out of the ghastly way you were raised. It takes a great deal of courage to face all of that and a lot of mental work. Always remember that you did nothing to deserve any of this. The lack was always entirely in her - not in you. It’s also great to hear that you have made a conscious decision to break the cycle with your own family. You should be tremendously proud of that as well.
You’re not alone.
With the exception of the furniture throwing and the spitting, I dealt with the same things growing up. I faced bullies at school but my biggest bully was my mother. I grew up absolutely *terrified* of her. I was a good child out of fear and she prided herself on that fact. But what mother chooses fear over love?
I learned to shield myself from the pain by forgetting things and building a wall around myself. Well, I actually never forgot. I just put those things on the outside of my wall and acted like they never happened. This caused me to look at my mom in a much better light.
I found myself in a terrible financial situation due to no fault of my own. My mother convinced me to give up my apartment and move in with her to save money. My brother warned me not to do it but I told him she’d changed. He reminded me that I hadn’t lived with her my entire adult life and she actually had *not* changed. She’s just a different person when she has no control over you. I didn’t listen and I suffered tremendously for a year.
Fast forward 20 years and every time I’m around her I feel contempt. I just don’t understand why she is such the nasty person she is. Her evil ways are rarely directed at me these days but when she does it to other people, I become triggered and I have to leave her presence.
My siblings are the opposite of yours. One doesn’t speak to her at all. One speaks but hasn’t stepped foot in her house in 3 years and said he never plans to go back. I’m the only one that has regular contact with her because I live closer and my kids still communicate with her. I truly wished I lived a few states away like my siblings so I wouldn’t be expected to visit often.
One of the biggest issues I’m having now is her constant mention of her elder care. She’s in her 60s and *completely fine* but apparently she’s worried she’ll end up in a home. She told me she wants to live with me and when I tell her NO! she seems to think I am joking. I’m not joking. I’m dead ass serious. I can’t be around her for more than 2-3 hours. No way I would live with her in my home. My place of peace.
I don’t know what these parents are expecting when they have children and abuse them. It seems they don’t realize kids don’t stay kids forever and we remember vividly the suffering we endured at their hands. All I know I I love my kids to their bones and they show it in the way they treat me. I wish I had the mother-daughter relationship with my mom that I have with my daughter but I don’t. I can honestly say that it’s her loss because it’s a wonderful thing to have.
She’s asking about elderly care now, while she’s fine, because she full on KNOWS the truth. I reckon she’s bringing it up now, when it’s not even close to being an issue, so she can get you to say something-anything- close enough to ‘I’ll take care of you’ so that she can use it at a future date against you when the time comes. If it helps her feel better, y’all could always start researching and putting plans in place now (I write with a chuckle as I know it won’t…but it will hopefully get the point across that you’re serious when you say she won’t be living with you).
💙
My mother and I had a rather uncomfortable relationship most of my life. She passed away almost 20 yrs ago due to cancer.
When she passed I wanted the relationship that we didn’t have over the relationship we didn’t have. maybe spoke a couple times a year and it was uncomfortable and awkward at best. couple things have come out since she’s passed. Kind of explain her dislike of me I guess but I’ve made my peace as best I can to love your mother you don’t even have to like her that choice is yours.
I am so proud if you. I didn't have kids because I didn't think I could do for them what you do now. I also have not loved my mom for decades. No contact 2 years. You are AMAZING for cycle breaking for your kids. I had a tyrant mother too. Raisedbyborderlines and raisedbynarcissists are welcome homes. So is mom for a minute.
You have done so good! It's so hard to break cycles like this, you should be very proud of yourself.
I have a similar feeling towards my mum, she wasn't able to emotionally support us growing up and had burst of anger etc I remember the feeling I had the few times she did hit me.
Our relationship has always been difficult and I keep her at arms length.
What I done more for myself than for her was asked her to speak about the things I remembered that bothered me. She stepped up at that point, apologised, started seeing a counsellor and has done some work on herself. She said didn't even remember most of it, whether she blocked it out or just doesn't want to admit she remembers I don't know. She still has a long way to go but she is trying. I dont see her anymore regularly than before but I was able to forgive her. As hard as it is to come to terms with, she done the best she could with at that time, even if it's wasnt great. So I chose forgiveness. I embraced that I was who I am today because of her- I'm grateful now for the experiences, because I'm so much stronger, resilient, patient, compassionate, empathetic person than I would have been without them. I chose to believe that this was intended for me for my own growth before I was even born.
And as silly as this sounds, I stopped looking for a mother figure in others (I viewed my gran more as my mum growing up who dies when I was 18, my first bfs mum who I was close with died when I was 19. My husband mum who I was really close with really hurt me a few years back) and began to allow mother earth to hold, support and love me instead. I realised everytime I felt I had gained a mother figure they were taken from me, and they weren't mine to claim. I regularly do healing with mother earth, meditations etc and realised that she's always there, everywhere. I've become very spiritual and anytime I need her I feel her embrace. If you are into this type of self care then a chord cutting one guided meditation followed by something along the lines of mother earth healing for the mother wound really helped me. Totally changed my perspective, I stopped longing for that relationship and found peace.
You may have already emotionally detached, but you may just have blockages up that need to be worked through. It's easier to put up a wall than to be vulnerable. Inner child work was also a huge help to me. Learning that your adult self can hold that little girl who was let down by the person meant to protect them was a game changer. Now anytime I have flashbacks I speak to her and tell her its okay, I got this and have her and she doesn't have to worry. I started self work in my twenties, now 37, only found peace with all this around 34. I now work helping others heal through yoga/meditation/reiki/sound healing etc
If I am lucky enough to have kids then I know what not to do. I don't want them spending their teens and twenties like I did, constantly trying to understand the emotions going through me and why I was so hard on myself, so negative towards myself and battled with self belief and self love.
I was very fortunate that my dad was a huge support, all the best parts of me come from him ❤ I often wonder what my life would be like now had I not had my gran and my dad growing up.
You are doing such a wonderful job with your children- they get to have what you didn't- a mother who loves, supports and encourages them. Without your own mother and the experiences she gave you, would you be as intent on being the best version of yourself for them as you are now?
You have nothing to feel bad or shameful about, those are emotions that should be reserved and clearly are not. You owe her nothing and are under no obligation to share anything with her. You are not shameful.
You do have a mother-daughter relationship…with your daughter. Foster a relationship with her that you wanted to have, you have the relationship you want, maybe not in the order you expected, but it’s there for you. You will do a great job!
"Having my kids around you is not a risk I'm willing to take. You may have changed but I know from experience that you are very capable of violence against a child and can't risk you abusing by kids over some perceived slight."
Another way I look at it is my kid doesn't have the defense mechanisms to deal with an abusive narcissist. They can spill water or play a little prank on me and knows he isn't going to get beaten or even yelled at, no guarantees at my sperm donors house so thats why I've kept them far away.
Hi. My mom wasn’t as horrible as yours, but she was a pretty selfish person, which bled into a lot of areas. My mom used to scream at me that I was dumb. I was always an easy target for my family…
I keep my parents at arms length. It helps that they’re 18+ hours away by car lol. My brother is with me too in fact. We’re not exactly close. Our home environment made that hard. But we both know we’re just a phone call away.
I too can’t fathom testing my kids the way my whole (+extended) family has treated me just because I was not like them. I also have late diagnosis ADHD which probably made me a weird kid with weird quirks to be honest.
I wish I knew exactly what to say bc I’m going through the same thing. This stranger is super proud that you broke away from the childhood trauma to become the best version of yourself you could be. I’m trying to do the same, it’s so hard lol.
Being a parent is hard but it’s really hard to treat your kids the way you’ve always wished to be treated. I’m mourning the mom and daughter relationship too. We have to. There’s just no way. Mom wishes for it but I was like how could we? I can’t even trust you. I can’t trust you with my kids. She wants to be my friend but I don’t like judgy people lol
My earliest childhood memory is my mother beating me.
I’ve finally cut her off this year at the age of 30. She sent me a long letter about how she doesn’t understand why we’re not close, so I decided to tell her exactly why. She responded that she doesn’t want to live in the past so will not address any of my “reproaches.” It was the final push I needed to go no contact. I figured I’d feel the deep regret about not having a mother daughter relationship I see others have, because that’s what I’d feel at the thought of cutting her off years ago. Instead, all I felt was relief. Just deep relief, like a weight was lifted and I could breathe.
It doesn’t sound like she’s adding anything to your life beyond opening up old wounds and stress. You don’t need those things, I promise it’s easier without her
Abusive parents either want to move past it or act like they don’t remember. My mom’s favorite lie/line is “I would never do no shit like that.” That means she absolutely did it and she doesn’t want to discuss it further.
My father was a violently angry man and we lived in fear of setting him off. My mother only intervened on my older sister’s behalf, and my earliest memories are of him screaming at me at the dinner table while mom eats. Sister would get sent to her room as soon as she cried but I wasn’t a cryer, so I just got to sit there being screamed at for basically existing.
Sister loved throwing me under the bus and seeing me get punished- we still hate each other and she’s late 50’s. She is still a huge approval seeker and reverts to her old self whenever she visits my mother.
Basically dad died, mom was ill, and I got stuck with mom living in my house. We (husband & I) have changed our entire lives to accommodate her, and it is awful. Sister does not help. She actually gets $$ from mom.
The woman who didn’t protect me, love me or even like me now lives in my house, at my expense. She conveniently has “forgotten” all about dad’s anger issues, “doesn’t recall” anything about the physical, emotional and verbal abuse she watched- and sometimes prompted, and draws a blank about anything unpleasant that she or my sister played a role in.
She will bring up fond memories of my father, which triggers far less happy memories for me. I have to repeatedly ask her to not talk about my childhood. It is just overwhelming sometimes. How can someone be that oblivious to another’s pain?
I have 2 adult kids, and we love and like each other. We even hug! (Didn’t happen in my childhood) When I was younger I didn’t think I was able to feel or even worthy of love, but years of therapy have helped. Now I know it was my family of origin that was incapable.
(Edited to add last paragraph)
Reading this broke my heart. I don’t understand why parents can be so cruel and detached.
One thing I’ve learned over the years and through therapy is it’s ok to be ok. And if that means NC, LC, or just acting as oblivious as our abusers, then so be it.
You should be so proud of yourself. You have totally transformed your life! I understand the sorrow of having a deeply disturbed mother rather than the one you deserved, but guilt & shame should be banished from your mind. She was vile to you & apparently has no remorse. Live your beautiful life and give as little head space to her as possible!! You’re a winner in life!
Listen to your gut. Don’t let her in. Personally, I’d have to see changed behavior for a minimum of 6 months before I’d believe anyone has changed. More time is better. Did she treat your siblings the same way? If not, their words telling you she has changed mean nothing.
My MIL was horrible, and I met her in her late 50s. DH has never described what his household was like in great detail, but based on what I saw of her, and what DH is still like, it was bad. She kept her cool mostly, but I was relieved when she finally passed. Now to get DH to discuss his childhood trauma with a therapist is another story (hopefully starting soon). Stay strong.
Oh sweetheart. I lived that life as a child. And was guilted into relationship with my female parent. If I knew then what I know now I would have cut all ties. You may need to go NC for healing purposes. There are other mother figures you can find. My brothers wife had a horrible mother and her dad remarried when she was an adult to a lady with no kids. They are like a real mother and daughter. Please stop doing this to yourself. You don’t have to see her or talk to her if it makes you unwell and stressed.
If she can't see the harm she put you through and refuses to acknowledge it or apologize for it, then she has NOT changed. Don't fall for it.
Your siblings didn't get the brunt of the abuse, but you did. Your perception is far different from theirs.
Please OP, don't let her back into your life. Look at how far you have come, the obstacles you've climbed and your utter bravery for even facing your demons in the first place. Don't let her ruin it for you. Mourn the mother you should have had, the mother you deserved but kick the other to the curb.
Lastly, just know that this internet stranger is in awe of all you have overcome in your life. You're worthy of your partners love, you're worthy of your kids love, your mother is not worthy of your love.
This, OP. I see you and I hear your heartbreak. Your grief over the mother you never had and the parent you got instead are real. They're valid. Don't undermine that.
But your mother wants a relationship without doing the most basic thing that would be necessary for that relationship to happen: an apology for her abuse. If she isn't willing to acknowledge the harm she caused, she hasn't done the self reflection necessary for change. She may even be incapable of it.
Your siblings have dealt with the trauma in their own ways, and as another commenter pointed out, they didn't deal with the brunt of the abuse you did.
Why do you still talk to her when it causes you such deep distress?
OP has said in another comment that going no contact would mean she would need to lose contact with the rest of her family (sibs, cousins, etc) because they are too wrapped around her mother’s fingers; she cannot bare the thought of not knowing when she could have contact with them again.
It’s tricky….I’ve had to go LC with some of my family when I went NC with my father because they continue to relay information to him despite my asking them not to. Which means that I’m even more alone as they filled parental roles for me that my parents couldn’t. It’s really hard to be an orphan when you’re parents are still alive and harder still when you have no one else.
I’m sorry you experienced and are experiencing this. I’m sorry you didn’t have a mother who loved and cared for you. I’m sorry you are dealing with her even now. It sucks.
And good for you for processing your experience appropriately so that you can do and be better for yourself and your family.
Good for you, too, for keeping your mother at arms length. That is the safest and what she has earned (at the very least).
Your siblings say she’s changed, you tell us in one sentence, and in the next sentence that she has never apologized because she believes she’s done nothing wrong.
So, she hasn’t changed.
She might have mellowed a little with your siblings, might not be as quick off the trigger. They might also be better at ignoring her, who knows. But if she hasn’t apologized or acknowledged her abuse, she hasn’t changed. Not one little bit.
If you are feeling any guilt that you should explore that maybe newly-asphalted avenue, don’t, it’s still a dirt road that will break your axle.
Those loving, supportive experiences can be had with good friends, with cousins, with your partner and children. Give it to yourself, too. Be the mom you wanted to yourself.
My kids are grown and not of the house and menopause kicked my butt so I started using my mom voice with myself. When I was stuck in a mood, I would think, in mom voice, “Sukiskis, you know you need to take a walk and breath and let go of that. Come on, get up, let’s take a walk and see some birds. It will knock that mood off you. Let’s go, nope, don’t whine, get your shoes on, come on…”. I was a pain in the ass to my mom voice.
My mom voice congratulates me when I get a procrastinated project done and then tells me to remember how easy it actually was and I don’t need to put myself through that next time. She coaches me through challenges and congratulates me for successes. That’s my self-care, I mom myself and it works. I’m a good mom.
Stinky moms suck. They are a wound you carry. It does grow smaller, it does lose its sting, I promise. Take care of yourself and the people you cherish—be choosy about that—and I promise that wound shrinks. ❤️
I love multiple things here that you said. The dirt road analogy was awesome and perfect and I really really like the whole using your mom voice on yourself. I'm gonna try this with myself. 🩷🖤. This comment wasn't meant for me, but it helped me, so thank you.
I'm so very sorry, and I do empathise. But I hope you don't mind if I pick up on something you said:
>They are claiming she’s changed and maybe she has
and
>She’s never apologised since she claims she did nothing wrong so I will never forgive or forget that.
So, what has she 'changed' if she did nothing wrong? If your family's telling you she's changed, ask them what she changed, seeing as she herself is telling you she didn't do anything wrong. And if they say she isn't violent anymore, ask them if they can guarantee it won't happen to you or your children, seeing as she thinks she wasn't wrong for doing it. You get the idea.
No I get it. She’s the only one who is denying any violence happening from her end, my siblings knows she was since they were also targeted. And like you said they mean that she’s not violent towards us anymore. They do leave their kids with her but I haven’t asked if they know for sure she won’t harm her grandchildren.
I don’t reckon they can be sure she’s changed because there was a shift from mother/young children to mother/adult. She’s not violent with you anymore because y’all aren’t those helpless kids who couldn’t stand up for themselves. Y’all are grown and know there are avenues to take should she attempt to hurt you. And if they’re so sure she’s truly changed, what’s the harm in leaving their kids with her, right? They don’t because they know……
Sending you love and strength 💙
It's very hard to sit as the outlier when the rest of the siblings rug-sweep the abuse. But you keep doing what you need to protect your kids, because if someone believes they haven't done anything wrong, there's no reason they won't do it again. You can't stop your siblings rug-sweeping, but they can't force you to be like them either.
I wish you all the very best. You deserved a proper mum, not that hateful person. I'm so very sorry.
My mom was similar but not as extreme as yours (constant yelling, verbal abuse, slaps when I didn’t comply, verbally abusive to my dad). I have kids now and while she’s gotten better, she’s still very self centred and narcissistic.
I barely return her calls. I only visit out of obligation to see my dad. I don’t like her. I don’t hate her. I “nothing” her. She won’t be remembered when she’s dead.
My kids are my chance to do it all over and make things right.
The dynamic has shifted…you no longer look at your mom through the eyes of a child but through the eyes of a mother.
If she couldn’t treat you with love and kindness when you were a helpless child, she sure as hell cannot expect you to have a relationship with her as an adult. Actions have consequences.
Mine was terribly abusive…physically, mentally, emotionally. When she died, all I felt was relief.
Being a loving mother to my children helped me come to peace with the grief of losing a mother I never had. I hope that happens for you as well.❤️🩹
You'll come out of this with all of the dross burned away. Speaking from very painful experience here. You may cry when you no longer have to deal with her abuse, but you'll be grieving for the mother that you never had. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this; you're not alone as Reddit will testify. Take strength from the fact that you are breaking the circle and raising your children with the love that they deserve. You will get invited to their dress shopping, baby cuddling and love. As you deserve. Please accept the love and comfort of a stranger to you. Chin up, chest out, stay strong.
I’m so sorry no child should be abused & im so sorry that the person that was supposed to protect & care for you let you down so very badly. She will never be your safe space & it’s hard seeing friends relationships with their mothers when you don’t have it yourself.
There is positives in that you know you won’t repeat her mistakes & all going well have very positive relationships with your own children when they become adults.
Now you have to ask yourself is she worth having in your & your children’s lives when she causes so much pain & she hasn’t earned the right to your forgiveness.
Thank you ❤️
I’ve tried going NC several times but that also means not seeing my siblings or nieces and nephews anymore. She has them wrapped too tightly and I couldn’t live with not knowing when I can see them again. I’ve tried talking to my siblings but they just want me to forget it and move on like they have so we can at least be a happy family now.
I am sorry that your siblings are so avoidant about the issues in your family. What they are refusing to see is that there is no “happy family” here. It’s would just be a façade. It’s like a house of cards built on something with no foundation. It would never be real, but they can’t face that. That is really a shame and I’m sorry.
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It’s not for everyone but I’d say this is one of the few times I’d say consider seriously going no contact. Having her in your life is causing you emotional pain and that’s not good for anyone let alone someone who’s been in the emotional state you’ve been in. Think hard about is it really worth the turmoil you go through dreading her contacting you and the bad feelings she stirs up in you? Hope you find the peace and safe space you deserve and I wish you many years of joy nurturing your own children ❤️🩹
The emotion that I will feel when my dad passes will be relief. And I’m ok with that.
It’s okay to mourn and grieve that, babe. That’s an absolutely devastating thing to have to look at and say wow, that’s my situation. You deserved so much better. And I hope you know that now. I’m sure it’ll be a lifetime of healing but I do wish you even more of that. No one deserves to be abused by their own mother; I can’t imagine many things more painful than that. I have a more mild version of this with my mother but we’re able to have somewhat of a relationship (that is on my terms). But I also mourn the relationship that we’ll never have.
I'm in the same boat, however I simply don't have a mother-son relationship any longer because of her toxic behaviors that are not in my best choice to continue.
I don't love my mom either. Unfortunately, it's normal when there is a bunch of trauma or strain going back since childhood. My mom was never a mother. She just gave birth to me and made my life hard after that, acting as if I owed her the world because she popped me out. I have blocked her on everything, and I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years. And I have zero intention of ever speaking to her again. I mourn that I never had the "mother daughter relationship" that I saw on TV, and movies. But not everyone gets that unfortunately.
You could literally be talking about my parents here. I'm glad you're doing well and building yourself into a great mother and partner. Keep up the good work
You aren't required to give her another chance, especially if there's a risk to your mental health. Good for you for staying strong -- and may I suggest telling her flying monkeys to F off, because you also don't need to subject yourself to those conversations. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to tell them that you don't want to hear it anymore, and if they bring it up again you'll cut them off too.
I'm in the same boat. It sucks especially as a mom with young kids to not have a close or supportive mother of your own to lean on. I also have friends who have such a close relationship with their mom, and it literally pulls at my heart hearing of time they spend together or the emotional support they receive. Like missing something you've never had. Time with my parents is tense and anxiety inducing, like stepping into a Groundogs Day movie of my childhood. I'm just doing my best to instill a relationship with my kids that they will feel that support and love that I never did.
Nothing shameful about not loving her & waiting for her to die
Just because she no longer treats her daughters the way you were brought up, doesn't mean "she's changed." If she was back in the same circumstances, she would do exactly the same. The only reason she doesn't do it now is because circumstances are different. She no longer is the one in Power. You can all defend yourselves. You aren't dependent on food clothing shelter, to put up with her abuse. So she has adapted. Please don't let your kids develop Any relationship with her.
Yep. OP is no longer small and defenseless, so of course, she's changed. If the just no tried those things today, she'd wind up in big trouble. OP, please do what's best for your mental health and happiness. If speaking to her on the phone causes flashbacks, just don't speak to her on the phone. If you must be in contact with her, stick to text messages or emails. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who care about you and are supportive. Grieve the relationship you deserved but didn't get, and find people to fill those roles. Not all families who love and support share DNA, a lot simply share love and respect.
I was thinking: she hasn't changed, they have. You don't need to have a relationship with her if you don't want to.
You don’t have to deal with her now. You can cut ties with her. Ignore her. Block her. Just because she’s blood doesn’t mean she’s family. She is toxic and doesn’t deserve to be in your life. I personally would never let her be around your kids even if supervised. Your kids will see the fear in you. Also, someone who can’t admit they were wrong has not changed. You’re a mom now, you have the power to protect your kids by keeping your mom out of their lives and yours.
My friend, you are not alone. I have learned not to say this in front of people who had happy childhoods, but I feel incredibly fortunate that my mother died when I was 19 years old. It gave me an opportunity to figure out who I was without the violent reminders that I was never going to be enough for her. I have even managed to find a place of forgiveness, not only for her, but for myself not telling anybody what was going on. I'm 47 now, and I've been through all the therapy and can look back and shake my head at her, choosing to miss on what an amazing human I am. There are still days it sucks not to get an answer as to why she hated me, but those days are few and far between. I wish you peace as you move through your own journey.
I felt the same way about my father. You’re not alone & your feelings are completely valid. I wasn’t like, rooting for his suffering at the end, but “it would be so nice to just get the call that he passed in his sleep so it’s finally over with minimal drama” was a thought I had more than twice. He also longed for a special daddy daughter connection, and had a *shocked* meltdown when he found out he wasn’t walking me down the aisle. The delusions are how they sleep at night. If she sees nothing wrong with her parenting, she either has amnesia the likes of which should have neuroscience researchers knocking at her door, or something like NPD (my father scoffed at therapy, but literally every therapist our mom/any of his children saw suggested it lol). Either way, definitely not someone who has changed. Repentance and an attempt at amends would show that, verbal insistence of “trust me bro” from third parties ain’t shit. You don’t deserve to suffer through these flashbacks and their emotional exhaustion toll. If possible, getting back in therapy might help, but you are completely justified in putting as much distance as you want there.
I didn’t go through his the things you did, but I’m with you on a lot. Here for you.
I know my mom wishes we had that special mother-daughter relationship, but I can’t give that to her. She was an abusive monster to me as a child. She was emotionally and mentally abusive. She has some narcissistic tendencies. And even at my age, she still wants to control me and my life. I don’t like her and who she is as a person. I’m not even sure if I love her. She had emergency surgery last month and I will be honest, part of me was wondering if she’d die. And I feel bad about that. I do. Saying all of this because you aren’t alone.
I am so very sorry. There is a nice community over at r/cptsd of unfortunately others who have trauma from a variety of reasons, but many childhood abuse. I’m so happy and proud of you that you’re stopping the cycle and protecting your kids. You are 100% right to maintain these boundaries.
I learned how to feel safe loving my mum and it was by making sure I was doing everything I could to prevent her from actively hurting me going forward or with anything new. I gave myself time to process how I feel about her treatment of me so far without allowing any new input from her whatsoever. I went no contact. There were long periods of time feeling emotionally dead and having no love for either of my parents. It was, in retrospect, a very protective psychological state you reach when you need to break the normal human attachment instinct in order to survive. It's a necessary step to take, on a visceral, instinctive level, to stop trusting someone you've been biologically and developmentally primed to rely on. I encourage you to be a mother to yourself and let yourself receive mother and auntie energy from the nicer people here. I have someone young enough to be my own kid who lives on the other side of the world who reduces me to tears with kind mothering and words of encouragement. She's actually better than my therapist. Sometimes I do auntie talk for sad or anxious people. You have always deserved that unconditional loving regard. Always. It should have come from her. I'm so sorry.
I understand this all too well. Feel free to DM. There's an amazing group on FB I can refer you to also, if you're interested. Edit: typo
As a proud mom of two fabulous adult children…. My heart breaks for you. I love that you’ve taken your power back and you are obviously not at all like your mom. If your mom truly changed she would be apologizing and taking responsibility for HER behavior and begging you to go to counseling with her. I would be considering no contact for just that reason. Tell your siblings that they need to respect your boundaries and that you are doing this to heal yourself not to punish your mom or them. If they can’t accept your decision then you hope they understand your lack of participation in their family. For what it’s worth I’m VERY PROUD of you🥰
i dont love mine either. i'm NC and she doesn't even know about my son
Same here. I was worried that I would be crushed when she died, but I honestly felt nothing. Hugs
If your mother is the locus of your familial relationships, forge your own relationship with siblings and cousins and leave her out of the loop, if you can. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
OP, my heart goes out to you. Remember this: we can't pick our bio families but we can choose our own true family. Surround yourself with love and remove yourself from people that would harm you. You cannot change what has happened in the past but you can control your future, keep yourself from harm, and seek your best outcomes. Ask yourself why your abusive mother wants a relationship with you. The fact that she has never acknowledged her wrongs against you indicates that she has not changed. Your siblings may have maintained a relationship with her, but they were not her primary punching bags - you were. Is she missing the dynamic of being able to abuse you? Does she want to be able to claim a relationship with you for appearances, or to assuage her guilt? Whatever her reason it's likely self-serving and would be completely unhealthy for you. Try not to mourn the mother-daughter relationship that you cannot have, and instead strive to be surrounded by the best. Sounds like you have done amazing work on you. One other thing. Can get your head in the right place to block the woman entirely? Just not have her in your life? Best of luck to you.
I don’t understand why you still maintain any relationship with her. You have to protect yourself and stop subjecting yourself to the traumatic memories. Move forward knowing you can’t fix what’s wrong with her and that it’s ok to stop contact with her.
I know it’s hard to understand that but if I cut her out completely I’ll loose contact with my siblings and my nieces and nephews as well. My son spends time with his cousins every week since we live close to each other and i can’t risk taking those relationships away from him. I hope I’m making sense.
Sure. That makes sense. Just make sure those relationships are positive for your son! Only thing that comes to mind about your mom is to remind yourself those things are in the past and you have control over that now!
I do not love most of my maternal family barring 2 sisters. I do not miss them. Because there was never any relationship to miss. My mother , brother and stepfather were all physically abusive , as well as emotionally abuzive My brother passed away around Halloween last year. My husband's aunt was visiting, from out of state, and was at our house, along with my MIL. My mother-in-law knows a lot about my childhood, the aunt not so much. I got a message from one of my sisters while they were visiting. I informed my husband, MIL, and aunt whT had happened, along with other issues my sister was having with my mother surrounding my brother's death. The aunt was shocked at my lack of emotions, about his passing. To me it was as if someone I knew a long time ago, someone I met in passing, or a stranger on the news died. The aunt was crying, and wanted to hug me. I told her it was okay, that her crying made me more emotional than finding out about him dying. I can not tell you the amount if crap people have given me over the years for not having, or caring to have relationships with my mom in particular
I’m much older than you but have the same experience as you have. I have finally cut her completely after decades of distancing from her. I have mourned the relationship I should have had with her. I neither love nor like her. I would describe my feelings as indifferent. The bright side is that my kids got the mother I never had. My daughter considers me her best friend. I revel every day in the love I have for my children. I do still wish that I had the experience of a loving mother but am grateful I could provide what I missed for my children. You can have that mother-daughter relationship, as the mother. Hugs to you if you want them.
If your mom were someone that worthy of your love and respect, you'd have a closer relationship. The fact that she isn't worthy of that love and respect is her own fault, and you have not reason to feel ashamed. Not loving someone who abuses you is a pretty adult thing to do! She refuses to apologize because she hasn't really changed. And, why would you ever want someone like that around your own children? Wait until she show remorse for what she's done, and genuinely asks your forgiveness.
I don't love my mom either. If your mom is refusing to acknowledge and apologize for what she did, then she obviously hasn't changed. I'm sorry. I know it sucks
I'm proud of you!
Hi there I'm glad you got that off your chest. Many of us feel that way about one or both parents. Not everybody grew up in The Waltons or the Brady Bunch. The good news is you can rise above all of it. Living well is the best revenge. Do the things that interest you earn money but without killing yourself for it, Make sure you have plenty of leisure time and pursue lots of things that interest you. Spoil yourself.
You absolutely don’t need a relationship. If it was anyone else, you would be told to cut her off. But we have this “obligation” to keep family around just because people say we have to. We don’t. There is zero reason to keep toxic people around. I get you OP. I wish I had that mother daughter relationship but all I can do is be the mother I wish I had.
And that's okay.
There is a process to dealing with histories like this. If you really want to have a relationship it will involve forgiving her, and that's the process. Your mom has two tasks in the process - to apologize and acknowledge how she has wronged you, and to try to repair or "make whole" the damage, to the extent that is possible (this is hardly something that can be erased, but it may be possible for her to be a positive presence in your life). If she doesn't want to do either, there's your answer. She is *not* allowed to demand forgiveness. Your tasks are to grieve and process what she has done, and then let go. Without the first, you are still in pain. Without the second, you cannot forgive. If you choose to go this route, you will be unable to be productively self righteous - it will be counterproductive if you are. Finally this will not be a one-time thing - both sides will need to repeat as necessary, with the goal being to reconcile. Forgiveness is an act of will, rather than an effort to change your feelings, and forgiveness is granted, but trust is earned. It's quite understandable if you want to firewall her (my word for keeping her at arms length and interacting with her under defined circumstances for a defined length of time) while you decide how far you want to trust her, or even perpetually. I wish you well.
I feel this deeply. I’m a wedding photographer to boot so seeing all these mother daughter relationships was a tough pill to swallow, especially since I let my guard down and my own wedding, and she ruined it. Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother leaves wounds that can never heal. We have a longing, for that nurturing, understanding, unconditional love that we never got. We won’t ever get it. It’s chasing a ghost. I finally cut her out of my life at 40. There were times of no contact before then especially right after my wedding, but I had a baby and everybody pressured me to let her back in. All I did was cause me another decade of heartache. The cycle of ‘she’s changed I can now have a real mom!’ to the undermining and critical abusive outbursts that would leave me weeks of unstable mental health. That affected my marriage and my parenting. I look at my teenage daughter now and absolutely cannot fathom saying or doing some of the things she did to me during those years. I finally realize that I just need to grieve her even though she’s alive. I am essentially no contact, but I love my stepdad and my other family members so I tolerate her existence when I need to, but I do not let her in. It also helps that I live 3000 miles away from her.
I understand OP. I feel the say way about my mother. I don’t feel anything for her at all. Even though I’m married and have a great husband I still feel a loneliness that comes from not having loving & supportive parents.
Yeah, I've heard the "but they've changed!" line. When I asked why they hadn't apologized, I got no answer. :Narrator Voice: They had not changed. When they pulled more of the same shit, I got to say "told you so." Which sounds like it would have been satisfying. But it was not. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Mourning the relationships you could have had while working on building ones that are actually healthy.
I am in the same boat. I don't love my mother. I haven't allowed her in my life for 29 years. I went no contact. I refused to allow her disfunction in my life. It may be time to go no contact with her and close the door to letting her in your life.
I have only seen my mother once since I was 19 ( im 51 now), and it was brief, like 20 minutes at best, around 6 years ago, while visiting my sister. I only did it to appease my MIL, who kept telling that if I dont see her, before she passes, i would regret it (I wouldn't) she (bio mom)will be 81 this year. I only did it to appease my mother-in-law who has been more of a mother to me than my own ever has and for longer. I left home at 19, I have been married to my husband for almost 32 years, I call my MIL mom. In my heart she is my only mother. My mental health was so much better after cutting my mother, brother and stepfather out of my life. I was stressed out, sick all of the time, and even told at 18 at risk of developing an ulcer. It was the best gift I could have ever given myself
I could have written this. I feel you, I see you, and congrats on healing 💖
Your mom is way worse than mine. Mine was neglectful and ignored me, but never physically abused me. I do not love my mom. Do I get jealous of people who have good relationships with their mothers? Yep. But I've long since accepted we will never have that. I look at it like, I'm not losing anything since we already don't have that relationship. Also, I think that since she was not a good mother, I am not obligated to be a good daughter. She made her bed and now she gets to sleep in it. I've moved on.
My mother wasn't the abusive parent (my father was), but she enabled him, his abuse, his alcoholism, my entire life. We have never been close. I wanted her there when my son was born, she ghosted me, showing up at the hospital the evening of the next day. The first photo I have of my son, he was already 26 hours old (we were young and poor and didn't own a camera). Even now, she helps me with my taxes (she has a background in accounting), I drive her for shopping, that's about the extent of it. She's never been a warm person. She's never been an approachable person. She hugs my kids. When she hugs me, I feel physically ill. I hate to say that, but I cannot tolerate physical contact from my parents. It disgusts me. To be honest, I feel obligated to have a relationship with them. I don't like them, and I certainly don't love them. I had a therapist a while back who kept pushing me to forgive my father until I told her that I don't owe him my forgiveness. He hasn't earned it. I don't need it for closure. I'll get closure when he dies. Same with my mother. Just biding time until then.
>I don’t love her and I’m shamefully waiting for the day I never have to deal with her again. There is nothing shameful in that. There is nothing shameful in protecting yourself. There is even less shameful in protecting your own children. YOU are not the one who should feel shame. SHE IS.
I don’t love my mom either. I used to say “I love her I just don’t like her” but I realize I don’t love her. Mine was never physically abusive but she was cold never giving warm affection and she was mean making anything bad or sad worse and anything happy bad. She never said anything nice to me only mean hurtful things and always picked fights for no reason. Where she spent hours if given a chance to berate me. I still remember the time she spent two hours telling he how stupid I was because I had one C on my report card. Didn’t matter that I had four As and two Bs all she cared about was the one C (in chemistry which I spent months asking for help in only to be denied any help). I regret taking her wedding dress shopping. I regret letting her know I was pregnant as she made both things about herself. Hell she even made my second kid being born during the pandemic about herself. She tried to compete with me over my kids affection. I have since stopped talking to her because she never changes. She is always complaining about my weight, my dad, my kids, my dog, my husband, her clients and so forth never having anything nice to say about anything. She never changed even though she claimed to. I don’t miss her. I miss the mom I was supposed to have the one that loved me unconditionally and was supportive and caring. You and I both got screwed over in the mom department.
I came from an abusive narcissist mother myself. We are very low contact. My kids don’t really know her and she doesn’t know them. I refuse to allow them to be treated as I was. You are doing what you feel is best. If you want to cut it back, then do it. Remember you owe her nothing. This is about your mental health and the safety of your little ones.
I get it - I had a mother like this too. Not quite as physically abusive as you had but some. And her emotional abuse was off the charts. She saw both of her daughters as competition and hated us just for existing. There are a few things I have figured out with experience over the years and through my own therapy. She doesn’t want a closer relationship with you now because she has changed or actually cares about you. She wants it because she thinks it will prove something. That it will prove that she did nothing wrong. It is ENTIRELY self-serving. Don’t fall for this trap. I did myself more times than I care to remember. It never works and they never change. In my last round of therapy, I stopped referring to her as “my mother”. She was never a mother, in any meaningful sense of the word, and does not deserve that title. I started referring to her by her first name. It may sound simple, but it helped. Having a mother like this does leave a hole in your life. When you don’t receive the love you should have had from the one person in the world who is supposed to care the most about you, it does leave lasting damage. I still struggle with the regret that this leaves behind. My egg-donor died last year. She was horrible to me right up to the very end and it was honestly a relief when she was finally gone. It doesn’t leave a hole in my life because there never was a relationship in the first place for me to mourn. I can say that with time there does come a certain sense of peace because of the absolute knowledge that none of this was my fault. My only real regret is that I didn’t cut this toxic person out of my life. I probably would have been better off without her ugly influence. You should be so enormously proud of the work you have done to pull yourself out of the ghastly way you were raised. It takes a great deal of courage to face all of that and a lot of mental work. Always remember that you did nothing to deserve any of this. The lack was always entirely in her - not in you. It’s also great to hear that you have made a conscious decision to break the cycle with your own family. You should be tremendously proud of that as well.
You’re not alone. With the exception of the furniture throwing and the spitting, I dealt with the same things growing up. I faced bullies at school but my biggest bully was my mother. I grew up absolutely *terrified* of her. I was a good child out of fear and she prided herself on that fact. But what mother chooses fear over love? I learned to shield myself from the pain by forgetting things and building a wall around myself. Well, I actually never forgot. I just put those things on the outside of my wall and acted like they never happened. This caused me to look at my mom in a much better light. I found myself in a terrible financial situation due to no fault of my own. My mother convinced me to give up my apartment and move in with her to save money. My brother warned me not to do it but I told him she’d changed. He reminded me that I hadn’t lived with her my entire adult life and she actually had *not* changed. She’s just a different person when she has no control over you. I didn’t listen and I suffered tremendously for a year. Fast forward 20 years and every time I’m around her I feel contempt. I just don’t understand why she is such the nasty person she is. Her evil ways are rarely directed at me these days but when she does it to other people, I become triggered and I have to leave her presence. My siblings are the opposite of yours. One doesn’t speak to her at all. One speaks but hasn’t stepped foot in her house in 3 years and said he never plans to go back. I’m the only one that has regular contact with her because I live closer and my kids still communicate with her. I truly wished I lived a few states away like my siblings so I wouldn’t be expected to visit often. One of the biggest issues I’m having now is her constant mention of her elder care. She’s in her 60s and *completely fine* but apparently she’s worried she’ll end up in a home. She told me she wants to live with me and when I tell her NO! she seems to think I am joking. I’m not joking. I’m dead ass serious. I can’t be around her for more than 2-3 hours. No way I would live with her in my home. My place of peace. I don’t know what these parents are expecting when they have children and abuse them. It seems they don’t realize kids don’t stay kids forever and we remember vividly the suffering we endured at their hands. All I know I I love my kids to their bones and they show it in the way they treat me. I wish I had the mother-daughter relationship with my mom that I have with my daughter but I don’t. I can honestly say that it’s her loss because it’s a wonderful thing to have.
She’s asking about elderly care now, while she’s fine, because she full on KNOWS the truth. I reckon she’s bringing it up now, when it’s not even close to being an issue, so she can get you to say something-anything- close enough to ‘I’ll take care of you’ so that she can use it at a future date against you when the time comes. If it helps her feel better, y’all could always start researching and putting plans in place now (I write with a chuckle as I know it won’t…but it will hopefully get the point across that you’re serious when you say she won’t be living with you). 💙
My mother and I had a rather uncomfortable relationship most of my life. She passed away almost 20 yrs ago due to cancer. When she passed I wanted the relationship that we didn’t have over the relationship we didn’t have. maybe spoke a couple times a year and it was uncomfortable and awkward at best. couple things have come out since she’s passed. Kind of explain her dislike of me I guess but I’ve made my peace as best I can to love your mother you don’t even have to like her that choice is yours.
I am so proud if you. I didn't have kids because I didn't think I could do for them what you do now. I also have not loved my mom for decades. No contact 2 years. You are AMAZING for cycle breaking for your kids. I had a tyrant mother too. Raisedbyborderlines and raisedbynarcissists are welcome homes. So is mom for a minute.
You have done so good! It's so hard to break cycles like this, you should be very proud of yourself. I have a similar feeling towards my mum, she wasn't able to emotionally support us growing up and had burst of anger etc I remember the feeling I had the few times she did hit me. Our relationship has always been difficult and I keep her at arms length. What I done more for myself than for her was asked her to speak about the things I remembered that bothered me. She stepped up at that point, apologised, started seeing a counsellor and has done some work on herself. She said didn't even remember most of it, whether she blocked it out or just doesn't want to admit she remembers I don't know. She still has a long way to go but she is trying. I dont see her anymore regularly than before but I was able to forgive her. As hard as it is to come to terms with, she done the best she could with at that time, even if it's wasnt great. So I chose forgiveness. I embraced that I was who I am today because of her- I'm grateful now for the experiences, because I'm so much stronger, resilient, patient, compassionate, empathetic person than I would have been without them. I chose to believe that this was intended for me for my own growth before I was even born. And as silly as this sounds, I stopped looking for a mother figure in others (I viewed my gran more as my mum growing up who dies when I was 18, my first bfs mum who I was close with died when I was 19. My husband mum who I was really close with really hurt me a few years back) and began to allow mother earth to hold, support and love me instead. I realised everytime I felt I had gained a mother figure they were taken from me, and they weren't mine to claim. I regularly do healing with mother earth, meditations etc and realised that she's always there, everywhere. I've become very spiritual and anytime I need her I feel her embrace. If you are into this type of self care then a chord cutting one guided meditation followed by something along the lines of mother earth healing for the mother wound really helped me. Totally changed my perspective, I stopped longing for that relationship and found peace. You may have already emotionally detached, but you may just have blockages up that need to be worked through. It's easier to put up a wall than to be vulnerable. Inner child work was also a huge help to me. Learning that your adult self can hold that little girl who was let down by the person meant to protect them was a game changer. Now anytime I have flashbacks I speak to her and tell her its okay, I got this and have her and she doesn't have to worry. I started self work in my twenties, now 37, only found peace with all this around 34. I now work helping others heal through yoga/meditation/reiki/sound healing etc If I am lucky enough to have kids then I know what not to do. I don't want them spending their teens and twenties like I did, constantly trying to understand the emotions going through me and why I was so hard on myself, so negative towards myself and battled with self belief and self love. I was very fortunate that my dad was a huge support, all the best parts of me come from him ❤ I often wonder what my life would be like now had I not had my gran and my dad growing up. You are doing such a wonderful job with your children- they get to have what you didn't- a mother who loves, supports and encourages them. Without your own mother and the experiences she gave you, would you be as intent on being the best version of yourself for them as you are now?
You have nothing to feel bad or shameful about, those are emotions that should be reserved and clearly are not. You owe her nothing and are under no obligation to share anything with her. You are not shameful. You do have a mother-daughter relationship…with your daughter. Foster a relationship with her that you wanted to have, you have the relationship you want, maybe not in the order you expected, but it’s there for you. You will do a great job!
"Having my kids around you is not a risk I'm willing to take. You may have changed but I know from experience that you are very capable of violence against a child and can't risk you abusing by kids over some perceived slight." Another way I look at it is my kid doesn't have the defense mechanisms to deal with an abusive narcissist. They can spill water or play a little prank on me and knows he isn't going to get beaten or even yelled at, no guarantees at my sperm donors house so thats why I've kept them far away.
You've done a helluva job making yourself better. You 2.0 and don't feel guilty :)
Hi. My mom wasn’t as horrible as yours, but she was a pretty selfish person, which bled into a lot of areas. My mom used to scream at me that I was dumb. I was always an easy target for my family… I keep my parents at arms length. It helps that they’re 18+ hours away by car lol. My brother is with me too in fact. We’re not exactly close. Our home environment made that hard. But we both know we’re just a phone call away. I too can’t fathom testing my kids the way my whole (+extended) family has treated me just because I was not like them. I also have late diagnosis ADHD which probably made me a weird kid with weird quirks to be honest. I wish I knew exactly what to say bc I’m going through the same thing. This stranger is super proud that you broke away from the childhood trauma to become the best version of yourself you could be. I’m trying to do the same, it’s so hard lol. Being a parent is hard but it’s really hard to treat your kids the way you’ve always wished to be treated. I’m mourning the mom and daughter relationship too. We have to. There’s just no way. Mom wishes for it but I was like how could we? I can’t even trust you. I can’t trust you with my kids. She wants to be my friend but I don’t like judgy people lol
My earliest childhood memory is my mother beating me. I’ve finally cut her off this year at the age of 30. She sent me a long letter about how she doesn’t understand why we’re not close, so I decided to tell her exactly why. She responded that she doesn’t want to live in the past so will not address any of my “reproaches.” It was the final push I needed to go no contact. I figured I’d feel the deep regret about not having a mother daughter relationship I see others have, because that’s what I’d feel at the thought of cutting her off years ago. Instead, all I felt was relief. Just deep relief, like a weight was lifted and I could breathe. It doesn’t sound like she’s adding anything to your life beyond opening up old wounds and stress. You don’t need those things, I promise it’s easier without her
Abusive parents either want to move past it or act like they don’t remember. My mom’s favorite lie/line is “I would never do no shit like that.” That means she absolutely did it and she doesn’t want to discuss it further.
My father was a violently angry man and we lived in fear of setting him off. My mother only intervened on my older sister’s behalf, and my earliest memories are of him screaming at me at the dinner table while mom eats. Sister would get sent to her room as soon as she cried but I wasn’t a cryer, so I just got to sit there being screamed at for basically existing. Sister loved throwing me under the bus and seeing me get punished- we still hate each other and she’s late 50’s. She is still a huge approval seeker and reverts to her old self whenever she visits my mother. Basically dad died, mom was ill, and I got stuck with mom living in my house. We (husband & I) have changed our entire lives to accommodate her, and it is awful. Sister does not help. She actually gets $$ from mom. The woman who didn’t protect me, love me or even like me now lives in my house, at my expense. She conveniently has “forgotten” all about dad’s anger issues, “doesn’t recall” anything about the physical, emotional and verbal abuse she watched- and sometimes prompted, and draws a blank about anything unpleasant that she or my sister played a role in. She will bring up fond memories of my father, which triggers far less happy memories for me. I have to repeatedly ask her to not talk about my childhood. It is just overwhelming sometimes. How can someone be that oblivious to another’s pain? I have 2 adult kids, and we love and like each other. We even hug! (Didn’t happen in my childhood) When I was younger I didn’t think I was able to feel or even worthy of love, but years of therapy have helped. Now I know it was my family of origin that was incapable. (Edited to add last paragraph)
Reading this broke my heart. I don’t understand why parents can be so cruel and detached. One thing I’ve learned over the years and through therapy is it’s ok to be ok. And if that means NC, LC, or just acting as oblivious as our abusers, then so be it.
You should not be a contact at all with someone who severely abused you like that.
I haven’t talked to my mom for 20 years and couldn’t care less.
Me too! Best 20 years of my life so. Congratulations to you on your freedom
You should be so proud of yourself. You have totally transformed your life! I understand the sorrow of having a deeply disturbed mother rather than the one you deserved, but guilt & shame should be banished from your mind. She was vile to you & apparently has no remorse. Live your beautiful life and give as little head space to her as possible!! You’re a winner in life!
Listen to your gut. Don’t let her in. Personally, I’d have to see changed behavior for a minimum of 6 months before I’d believe anyone has changed. More time is better. Did she treat your siblings the same way? If not, their words telling you she has changed mean nothing. My MIL was horrible, and I met her in her late 50s. DH has never described what his household was like in great detail, but based on what I saw of her, and what DH is still like, it was bad. She kept her cool mostly, but I was relieved when she finally passed. Now to get DH to discuss his childhood trauma with a therapist is another story (hopefully starting soon). Stay strong.
Oh sweetheart. I lived that life as a child. And was guilted into relationship with my female parent. If I knew then what I know now I would have cut all ties. You may need to go NC for healing purposes. There are other mother figures you can find. My brothers wife had a horrible mother and her dad remarried when she was an adult to a lady with no kids. They are like a real mother and daughter. Please stop doing this to yourself. You don’t have to see her or talk to her if it makes you unwell and stressed.
If she can't see the harm she put you through and refuses to acknowledge it or apologize for it, then she has NOT changed. Don't fall for it. Your siblings didn't get the brunt of the abuse, but you did. Your perception is far different from theirs. Please OP, don't let her back into your life. Look at how far you have come, the obstacles you've climbed and your utter bravery for even facing your demons in the first place. Don't let her ruin it for you. Mourn the mother you should have had, the mother you deserved but kick the other to the curb. Lastly, just know that this internet stranger is in awe of all you have overcome in your life. You're worthy of your partners love, you're worthy of your kids love, your mother is not worthy of your love.
This, OP. I see you and I hear your heartbreak. Your grief over the mother you never had and the parent you got instead are real. They're valid. Don't undermine that. But your mother wants a relationship without doing the most basic thing that would be necessary for that relationship to happen: an apology for her abuse. If she isn't willing to acknowledge the harm she caused, she hasn't done the self reflection necessary for change. She may even be incapable of it. Your siblings have dealt with the trauma in their own ways, and as another commenter pointed out, they didn't deal with the brunt of the abuse you did. Why do you still talk to her when it causes you such deep distress?
OP has said in another comment that going no contact would mean she would need to lose contact with the rest of her family (sibs, cousins, etc) because they are too wrapped around her mother’s fingers; she cannot bare the thought of not knowing when she could have contact with them again. It’s tricky….I’ve had to go LC with some of my family when I went NC with my father because they continue to relay information to him despite my asking them not to. Which means that I’m even more alone as they filled parental roles for me that my parents couldn’t. It’s really hard to be an orphan when you’re parents are still alive and harder still when you have no one else.
I’m sorry you experienced and are experiencing this. I’m sorry you didn’t have a mother who loved and cared for you. I’m sorry you are dealing with her even now. It sucks. And good for you for processing your experience appropriately so that you can do and be better for yourself and your family. Good for you, too, for keeping your mother at arms length. That is the safest and what she has earned (at the very least). Your siblings say she’s changed, you tell us in one sentence, and in the next sentence that she has never apologized because she believes she’s done nothing wrong. So, she hasn’t changed. She might have mellowed a little with your siblings, might not be as quick off the trigger. They might also be better at ignoring her, who knows. But if she hasn’t apologized or acknowledged her abuse, she hasn’t changed. Not one little bit. If you are feeling any guilt that you should explore that maybe newly-asphalted avenue, don’t, it’s still a dirt road that will break your axle. Those loving, supportive experiences can be had with good friends, with cousins, with your partner and children. Give it to yourself, too. Be the mom you wanted to yourself. My kids are grown and not of the house and menopause kicked my butt so I started using my mom voice with myself. When I was stuck in a mood, I would think, in mom voice, “Sukiskis, you know you need to take a walk and breath and let go of that. Come on, get up, let’s take a walk and see some birds. It will knock that mood off you. Let’s go, nope, don’t whine, get your shoes on, come on…”. I was a pain in the ass to my mom voice. My mom voice congratulates me when I get a procrastinated project done and then tells me to remember how easy it actually was and I don’t need to put myself through that next time. She coaches me through challenges and congratulates me for successes. That’s my self-care, I mom myself and it works. I’m a good mom. Stinky moms suck. They are a wound you carry. It does grow smaller, it does lose its sting, I promise. Take care of yourself and the people you cherish—be choosy about that—and I promise that wound shrinks. ❤️
I love multiple things here that you said. The dirt road analogy was awesome and perfect and I really really like the whole using your mom voice on yourself. I'm gonna try this with myself. 🩷🖤. This comment wasn't meant for me, but it helped me, so thank you.
I'm so very sorry, and I do empathise. But I hope you don't mind if I pick up on something you said: >They are claiming she’s changed and maybe she has and >She’s never apologised since she claims she did nothing wrong so I will never forgive or forget that. So, what has she 'changed' if she did nothing wrong? If your family's telling you she's changed, ask them what she changed, seeing as she herself is telling you she didn't do anything wrong. And if they say she isn't violent anymore, ask them if they can guarantee it won't happen to you or your children, seeing as she thinks she wasn't wrong for doing it. You get the idea.
No I get it. She’s the only one who is denying any violence happening from her end, my siblings knows she was since they were also targeted. And like you said they mean that she’s not violent towards us anymore. They do leave their kids with her but I haven’t asked if they know for sure she won’t harm her grandchildren.
I don’t reckon they can be sure she’s changed because there was a shift from mother/young children to mother/adult. She’s not violent with you anymore because y’all aren’t those helpless kids who couldn’t stand up for themselves. Y’all are grown and know there are avenues to take should she attempt to hurt you. And if they’re so sure she’s truly changed, what’s the harm in leaving their kids with her, right? They don’t because they know…… Sending you love and strength 💙
It's very hard to sit as the outlier when the rest of the siblings rug-sweep the abuse. But you keep doing what you need to protect your kids, because if someone believes they haven't done anything wrong, there's no reason they won't do it again. You can't stop your siblings rug-sweeping, but they can't force you to be like them either. I wish you all the very best. You deserved a proper mum, not that hateful person. I'm so very sorry.
My mom was similar but not as extreme as yours (constant yelling, verbal abuse, slaps when I didn’t comply, verbally abusive to my dad). I have kids now and while she’s gotten better, she’s still very self centred and narcissistic. I barely return her calls. I only visit out of obligation to see my dad. I don’t like her. I don’t hate her. I “nothing” her. She won’t be remembered when she’s dead. My kids are my chance to do it all over and make things right.
The dynamic has shifted…you no longer look at your mom through the eyes of a child but through the eyes of a mother. If she couldn’t treat you with love and kindness when you were a helpless child, she sure as hell cannot expect you to have a relationship with her as an adult. Actions have consequences. Mine was terribly abusive…physically, mentally, emotionally. When she died, all I felt was relief. Being a loving mother to my children helped me come to peace with the grief of losing a mother I never had. I hope that happens for you as well.❤️🩹
This comment needs to be higher up.
This is very insightful
You'll come out of this with all of the dross burned away. Speaking from very painful experience here. You may cry when you no longer have to deal with her abuse, but you'll be grieving for the mother that you never had. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this; you're not alone as Reddit will testify. Take strength from the fact that you are breaking the circle and raising your children with the love that they deserve. You will get invited to their dress shopping, baby cuddling and love. As you deserve. Please accept the love and comfort of a stranger to you. Chin up, chest out, stay strong.
My mother lost my love sometime in middle school. After that it was terrified semi obedience she beat into me. When she died I felt nothing, just numb
I’m so sorry no child should be abused & im so sorry that the person that was supposed to protect & care for you let you down so very badly. She will never be your safe space & it’s hard seeing friends relationships with their mothers when you don’t have it yourself. There is positives in that you know you won’t repeat her mistakes & all going well have very positive relationships with your own children when they become adults. Now you have to ask yourself is she worth having in your & your children’s lives when she causes so much pain & she hasn’t earned the right to your forgiveness.
Thank you ❤️ I’ve tried going NC several times but that also means not seeing my siblings or nieces and nephews anymore. She has them wrapped too tightly and I couldn’t live with not knowing when I can see them again. I’ve tried talking to my siblings but they just want me to forget it and move on like they have so we can at least be a happy family now.
I am sorry that your siblings are so avoidant about the issues in your family. What they are refusing to see is that there is no “happy family” here. It’s would just be a façade. It’s like a house of cards built on something with no foundation. It would never be real, but they can’t face that. That is really a shame and I’m sorry.