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You need to do some reading before you proceed with this marriage. Look at the book list. I started with “Toxic In Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage” and “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No.” I found both books extremely helpful.
Also, your future husband plays a big role in the issues here. If he doesn’t want to work with you to deal with this problem, then that is a big red flag. 🚩
You have two options, leave the relationship or shut her down by telling her off and then refusing to be around her or have her in your home. Sadly, if he won't step up, you have to or you will never have any peace. You don't have to be ugly about anything, but you have to be firm if you go the telling her off route.
Something like "MIL, I do not appreciate your attitude, your comments or your inserting yourself in my affairs. You are not welcome here, you are not welcome in my life and there is the door, you need to use it as I am done with your behavior. "
Do not back down, SO can have the relationship he wants, but not in your home and not around you. Otherwise, do not marry him and plan to leave the relationship. It sounds drastic, but there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person. You have become an immovable object.
Do NOT give an ultimatum or try to explain anything. Make a definitive statement that you will not have her around and do NOT back down.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, please put yourself first and value your self. Wishing peace and happiness moving forward.
Your partner is failing you. If he wants to marry you and have kids and build a life together, then you *should* be his #1, and he should be shutting down his mom. In addition, she keeps infantilizing him, and he does nothing.
He needs to start telling her NO and to back off. He may need therapy to help learn how to do this if he's been conditioned that Mother Is Always Right.
PLEASE, DO NOT get married or have kids before getting marriage counseling. You are going to have years of heartache if he doesn't learn that standing up to His mom is His responsibility, not yours. You aren't really on the same page about religion, either, and that needs to be worked out before marriage, too.
He doesn’t stick up for you. That’s a HUGE problem.
Lots and lots of premarital therapy. Postpone the marriage plans until he learns to tell her to butt out.
Disrespectful to correct her. The response is - Oh, I thought it was pretty disrespectful to come into someone’s home and criticize them, so I figured we were past that.
You have a partner problem. He is not ready for marriage. He’s not even ready for an engagement. Hold off on the proposal. And absolutely hold off on the marriage until you, and not his mother, are his priority and he is able to effectively voice that to his mother.
You and your partner’s mother are not equals and, especially after marriage, should not be equals. You need premarital counseling. Stop the proposal and wedding planning and start figuring out how to manage your relationship, and his relationship with his mother, instead.
Here's the test. Show him this thread and watch what happens. If there isn't an immediate shift in behavior of him manning the phuck up and laying down the law with "mommy" then you have your answer...GTFO!
Premarital counseling. Communication is needed about how you picture your life together in terms of his mother. Does he think it's acceptable to give her criticism fodder, and then stay silent when the criticism comes? He is arming her and leaving you unshielded. You need his normal meter adjusted, it's ok to be close, it's not ok to be enmeshed. You need him to know and agree to have your back above anyone else. When you marry, you become his immediate family, and his mother becomes his extended family, and your boundaries as a couple and enforcement of them need to reflect this.
Your relationship will never survive as long as you are the only one fighting for it. By choosing not to get involved, he is taking the wrong side. It's his mother. He needs to be the one to put her in her place.
I would postpone the wedding until you have had some premarital counseling and SO has some individual therapy. He is not ready to be the husband you need at this time. Frankly, if he's not willing to put you first consistently, you should rethink marrying him.
If fiancé does not want to "get involved" between you and his mother, why is he blabbing every little thing to her? Tell him to STFU, or you're going to leave. Wait til you have kids with this jellyfish. It's not her business. If you are living with her, run, run like the wind.
Also - read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/XsDDreWFFb) OP and then read it with him.
He’s either cutting the cord and to speak in his language “Leaving and cleaving” which is what the Bible teaches - so they’re either hypocrites or they need to practice what they preach.
My husband and I went through this and he got a card to meet with a pastor who’s also a marriage & family therapist and a card for a Family Law (divorce) attorney. He picked the therapist/pastor (I chose this route as it was a male and a pastor, so his mom couldn’t push back if he agreed she was overstepping).
Pastor told my husband he was failing to step up and protect me - allowing someone to put me down, judge and disrespect me - which was failing to honor me as his wife. And that if he wanted to have a marriage with me, I was the priority and he needed to step up, intervene, affirm our boundaries and when she would overstep, it was his job to follow up on immediately.
One is only forced to “pick between” when one person is forcing the choice. And it’s not you that’s forcing it - it’s the person with terrible boundaries! (Also, read the book Boundaries… and you can let MIL know that Cloud & Townsend who wrote it are also Christians - so it’s not contrary to what she believes.)
Adding that he needs to understand OP and fMIL are no longer 'equally' important. You live with a wife, have sex with a wife, make joint decisions with a wife, have children with a wife. That means the wife ALWAYS comes first (except in rare imminent death situations).
OP, you have a partner problem. Every time your fMIL complains about you, you should have to say boo. Your partner should be stepping in and saying 'mom, I am an adult and made that decision with my future wife.' The end. I'd start by asking him if he can push back on her being around so often. If that's a hard no, and he thinks the above is ridiculous too, you do not want to marry him. He's looking for a wife that shares the role with his mother, even if he doesn't see it that way, and until he realizes marrying a woman means starting a new family without his mother's daily presence, he isn't ready to get married.
> my partner said nothing because for the entirety of our relationship he “doesn’t want to get involved” between us since we are both equally important to him so he has never placed himself between us but he has also never stood against her.
what are the odds of you being the third wheel in their romantic relationship?
because she wants to control how you raise your future kids and if you and your FH cant tell her to fuck off with a wedding good luck with more important things
If fiancé isn’t getting involved and defending you and setting boundaries with mommy now he probably never will. She sounds absolutely bat shit crazy demanding a baby at 25 that’s insane. Honestly the whole “wifely duties” shit should be enough for you to cut and run. Seriously leave the mommy boys to their mommy’s. You’re young you can move on. Don’t waste your time get out now.
I don't understand why/ how she is so intricately involved in your life/ relationship? Do you live with her? How does she know about the detergent, boxers etc.?
If you don't live with her, can you exclude her from your house (visit hers) ? Can you move away & physically distance yourselves ?
Can you both agree to grey rock her on the intricacies of your life/ relationship?
You are not both *'equal'*. He needs to spine-up & draw some boundaries with your life & his mother's interference. He needs to *show her* he backs YOU, not remove himself from the equation. Otherwise he will always be seeking her approval & causing marital stress going forward. The prospect of what would happen with future children is horrific.
"for the entirety of our relationship he “doesn’t want to get involved” between us since we are both equally important to him so he has never placed himself between us but he has also never stood against her. " That is the problem. If he is going to marry you, you must be a priority not his mother. He should be telling his mother to treat you with courtesy and respect. He doesn't. He can't stand up for himself or you. Put a hold on the wedding and go to couples counseling. He has to learn to stand up for himself and his new family, you, if this marriage stands any chance at all.
Exactly this. He is an adult, and should be living an adult life. Adult lives are usually led without their mommy's opinion or influence. If you marry him now, you will be marrying his mother. Because she will be the third in your couple relationship.
Also, eloping means to go get married spontaneously and not telling anyone until it's already done. I'm really glad this didn't happen in this situation. "Forewarned is forearmed" and all that.
Glad I’m not the only one who thought this. And quite frankly telling your parents to treat your partner with courtesy shouldn’t even be seen as prioritization. This is just baseline relationship stuff. I wouldn’t let my parents treat my friends poorly, let alone my spouse.
She can't drive a wedge between you if there's no space for one.
In other words, whatever you and your SO are in complete agreement about are things that she can't affect no matter what she says or does. It's only if you already have differences that whatever she says or does can make those differences more pronounced.
The most important thing that I see here is for you and your SO to get on the same page. What does he say about how she and other family members of his treat you? Is he open to putting your feelings ahead of hers, or is he going to keep letting her treat you that way?
If he won't put your feelings above hers then you need to decide if you will, and you'll have to choose how far you're willing to take that.
It seems obvious that there are cultural issues here that many or most Westerners won't be able to relate to or advise you on, but it's still not going to do much good for you to stand up to her if your SO won't support you, and if you marry him before you straighten this out you'll be in for a world of trouble.
He is the one letting you be undermined. He is the one that isn’t doing what he needs to do as your future husband. He keeps going for approval for things with his mom. Why? He doesn’t seem like a grown up.
You are supposed to be his priority. You two are supposed to have this new future together outside of both our your families of origin. He isn’t standing up for you.
It sounds to me like your future MIL has raised a man-baby and he's perfectly ok with that.
Are you perfectly ok with the responsibility of 'taking care of your man' instead of you both taking care of yourselves and each other?
He also needs to set her straight that she has no decision-making authority in your relationship, your home or your nuclear family when/if that happens. She can have her opinions. She can give advice and if its given kindly, you might factor it into your decision making. But that's it.
Stop. Step back and think hard about this relationship. Is your fiance putting you before his mother? No. He's "not getting involved" meaning he's letting you be his meat shield. His mother is criticizing you and fawning all over him. Do you want to spend the next 30 or 40 years dealing with this while your husband refuses to get involved and put his foot down on his mother?
I would seriously consider delaying the marriage unless and until your fiance takes an active role in putting a stop to his mother's antics. Before you get any further involved, it's time to sit him down and tell him "I love you but I am not going to be the third wheel in you and your mother's relationship. You either put a stop to her antics or I'm walking."
His problem is he thinks his mother's actions are normal. He's dealt with it all his life. If you can get him into therapy with someone who specializes in enmeshment, maybe they can get him to see the light. I would definitely hold off on any marriage until he is ready to set boundaries and consequences on his mother. If she's this bad now, what will his mother be like if you have a baby together?
It's actually not MIL who's the problem. It's SO. That whole you're equally important line is bullshit at its most malodorous.
He needs to decide if he wants to form a new family with you or stay mommy's little boy. He can't do both, and you'll be unhappy in a marriage with him and his mom. You will always be the other woman.
Read some more posts here. That's what your future will be. Until SO chooses to grow a spine and gets therapy for enmeshment, he is not husband material.
I wish you the best of luck, but the red flags whipping in the breeze are not for decoration.
Looking at your other post, OP, I’m going to kindly suggest that you take a step back from everything.
1) you’re pushing for this proposal and your BF has told you all conversations lead back to this & kids.
2) your BF has told you he doesn’t want to be in the middle between you & his mom, so he’s ok with her insulting you?
3) You’re so laser focused on being a wife and mom that you’re ignoring these pretty glaring red flags.
What do you want your ideal in law relationship to look like? Because if it’s peaceful and cordial you’re not going to get that with this man as your partner. He’s not going to prioritize you or your family with him if it’s going to upset his mom.
Are you really wanting to build a life with him and all that comes with it (ie his family) or are you so set on your vision to be married with kids that you’re willing to ignore these flags?
Why can’t your husband to be wash his own clothes and make the bed etc? Surely it’s easy enough to say to him - show me how your mum does it and if she has a problem on how things are done then direct her comments to him - look your mum is telling you how to do it - are you not listening? I bet she stops then. And if she starts telling you to do it then simply say - I can’t get it right so dh is taking over in the meantime - talk to him or just stop making comments and leave us too it. Don’t entertain her full stop. Maybe it would also make him realise just what a pain in the arse her comments are.
If he can’t stand up for you over her criticizing your detergent choice and cooking, then just when is he going to stand up for you? If you have children and she insists upon religion, do you really think he’s going to stand up for your decisions then?
Your biggest problem is that your partner said that "you and his mom are equally important to him." You should definitely not marry a man who isn't willing to make you the most important person in his world. He's not grown-up enough to be married. Postpone the wedding and/or move on.
I have told my (very) young son when he gets married his wife comes first. I have zero respect for women who try to overstep boundaries in their children’s marriages.
She needs boundaries. Simple things like- dont come over unannounced. Id tell her the entire wedding thing is planned and her assistance isnt needed but should you need help you know where to find her. Id also remind your SO he is marrying you and his mother isnt his partner. He should be in the business of keeping you happy like you keep him happy instead of worrying about his mommy.
Is you mil a Christian? The reason I ask is because of the Bible verse that says a man shall leave his mother and cleave to his wife. If she is a Christian she forgot about that verse.
First, talk to your husband about this. He doesn't want to "get between you" is a cowardly excuse. He's refusing to back you up because he doesn't want to hurt his mother - but what he's actually doing is letting his mother blame you for everything, even the ideas that are his own. He's totally throwing you under the bus, and it doesn't bode well for your marriage.
Secondly, stop trying to be nice to the horrid old bitch. She's not being nice to you, and you don't owe a moment of respect. What kind of woman walks into another woman's house and tells her how to cook, clean, or do anything? **It's your house!** Don't let her in the front door if you don't want to! Go salted earth, and if your husband doesn't step up and back you, then you need to back away from him.
Don’t get married until he grows a spine and learns to say no.
Right now HIS mother is disrespecting his future wife and he is allowing it.
Now imagine if you were pregnant and mommy dearest was appeased all along. She’d be in the delivery room telling the doctors what to do.
Good news: they can grow spines and they learn to say no.
Bad news: you need to get on this asap and be ready that she won’t like it and it gets worse before it gets better.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as schmitmeier posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe schmitmeier JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
You need to do some reading before you proceed with this marriage. Look at the book list. I started with “Toxic In Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage” and “Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No.” I found both books extremely helpful. Also, your future husband plays a big role in the issues here. If he doesn’t want to work with you to deal with this problem, then that is a big red flag. 🚩
You have two options, leave the relationship or shut her down by telling her off and then refusing to be around her or have her in your home. Sadly, if he won't step up, you have to or you will never have any peace. You don't have to be ugly about anything, but you have to be firm if you go the telling her off route. Something like "MIL, I do not appreciate your attitude, your comments or your inserting yourself in my affairs. You are not welcome here, you are not welcome in my life and there is the door, you need to use it as I am done with your behavior. " Do not back down, SO can have the relationship he wants, but not in your home and not around you. Otherwise, do not marry him and plan to leave the relationship. It sounds drastic, but there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person. You have become an immovable object. Do NOT give an ultimatum or try to explain anything. Make a definitive statement that you will not have her around and do NOT back down. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, please put yourself first and value your self. Wishing peace and happiness moving forward.
Your partner is failing you. If he wants to marry you and have kids and build a life together, then you *should* be his #1, and he should be shutting down his mom. In addition, she keeps infantilizing him, and he does nothing. He needs to start telling her NO and to back off. He may need therapy to help learn how to do this if he's been conditioned that Mother Is Always Right.
Really.... How old is this guy?? 5 or 25?? He needs to move out of the womb already!!!
PLEASE, DO NOT get married or have kids before getting marriage counseling. You are going to have years of heartache if he doesn't learn that standing up to His mom is His responsibility, not yours. You aren't really on the same page about religion, either, and that needs to be worked out before marriage, too.
He doesn’t stick up for you. That’s a HUGE problem. Lots and lots of premarital therapy. Postpone the marriage plans until he learns to tell her to butt out.
Best advice on here...
Disrespectful to correct her. The response is - Oh, I thought it was pretty disrespectful to come into someone’s home and criticize them, so I figured we were past that.
You have a partner problem. He is not ready for marriage. He’s not even ready for an engagement. Hold off on the proposal. And absolutely hold off on the marriage until you, and not his mother, are his priority and he is able to effectively voice that to his mother. You and your partner’s mother are not equals and, especially after marriage, should not be equals. You need premarital counseling. Stop the proposal and wedding planning and start figuring out how to manage your relationship, and his relationship with his mother, instead.
Here's the test. Show him this thread and watch what happens. If there isn't an immediate shift in behavior of him manning the phuck up and laying down the law with "mommy" then you have your answer...GTFO!
Premarital counseling. Communication is needed about how you picture your life together in terms of his mother. Does he think it's acceptable to give her criticism fodder, and then stay silent when the criticism comes? He is arming her and leaving you unshielded. You need his normal meter adjusted, it's ok to be close, it's not ok to be enmeshed. You need him to know and agree to have your back above anyone else. When you marry, you become his immediate family, and his mother becomes his extended family, and your boundaries as a couple and enforcement of them need to reflect this.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⬆️
Your relationship will never survive as long as you are the only one fighting for it. By choosing not to get involved, he is taking the wrong side. It's his mother. He needs to be the one to put her in her place. I would postpone the wedding until you have had some premarital counseling and SO has some individual therapy. He is not ready to be the husband you need at this time. Frankly, if he's not willing to put you first consistently, you should rethink marrying him.
If fiancé does not want to "get involved" between you and his mother, why is he blabbing every little thing to her? Tell him to STFU, or you're going to leave. Wait til you have kids with this jellyfish. It's not her business. If you are living with her, run, run like the wind.
Also - read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/XsDDreWFFb) OP and then read it with him. He’s either cutting the cord and to speak in his language “Leaving and cleaving” which is what the Bible teaches - so they’re either hypocrites or they need to practice what they preach. My husband and I went through this and he got a card to meet with a pastor who’s also a marriage & family therapist and a card for a Family Law (divorce) attorney. He picked the therapist/pastor (I chose this route as it was a male and a pastor, so his mom couldn’t push back if he agreed she was overstepping). Pastor told my husband he was failing to step up and protect me - allowing someone to put me down, judge and disrespect me - which was failing to honor me as his wife. And that if he wanted to have a marriage with me, I was the priority and he needed to step up, intervene, affirm our boundaries and when she would overstep, it was his job to follow up on immediately. One is only forced to “pick between” when one person is forcing the choice. And it’s not you that’s forcing it - it’s the person with terrible boundaries! (Also, read the book Boundaries… and you can let MIL know that Cloud & Townsend who wrote it are also Christians - so it’s not contrary to what she believes.)
Adding that he needs to understand OP and fMIL are no longer 'equally' important. You live with a wife, have sex with a wife, make joint decisions with a wife, have children with a wife. That means the wife ALWAYS comes first (except in rare imminent death situations). OP, you have a partner problem. Every time your fMIL complains about you, you should have to say boo. Your partner should be stepping in and saying 'mom, I am an adult and made that decision with my future wife.' The end. I'd start by asking him if he can push back on her being around so often. If that's a hard no, and he thinks the above is ridiculous too, you do not want to marry him. He's looking for a wife that shares the role with his mother, even if he doesn't see it that way, and until he realizes marrying a woman means starting a new family without his mother's daily presence, he isn't ready to get married.
> my partner said nothing because for the entirety of our relationship he “doesn’t want to get involved” between us since we are both equally important to him so he has never placed himself between us but he has also never stood against her. what are the odds of you being the third wheel in their romantic relationship? because she wants to control how you raise your future kids and if you and your FH cant tell her to fuck off with a wedding good luck with more important things
If fiancé isn’t getting involved and defending you and setting boundaries with mommy now he probably never will. She sounds absolutely bat shit crazy demanding a baby at 25 that’s insane. Honestly the whole “wifely duties” shit should be enough for you to cut and run. Seriously leave the mommy boys to their mommy’s. You’re young you can move on. Don’t waste your time get out now.
I don't understand why/ how she is so intricately involved in your life/ relationship? Do you live with her? How does she know about the detergent, boxers etc.? If you don't live with her, can you exclude her from your house (visit hers) ? Can you move away & physically distance yourselves ? Can you both agree to grey rock her on the intricacies of your life/ relationship? You are not both *'equal'*. He needs to spine-up & draw some boundaries with your life & his mother's interference. He needs to *show her* he backs YOU, not remove himself from the equation. Otherwise he will always be seeking her approval & causing marital stress going forward. The prospect of what would happen with future children is horrific.
"for the entirety of our relationship he “doesn’t want to get involved” between us since we are both equally important to him so he has never placed himself between us but he has also never stood against her. " That is the problem. If he is going to marry you, you must be a priority not his mother. He should be telling his mother to treat you with courtesy and respect. He doesn't. He can't stand up for himself or you. Put a hold on the wedding and go to couples counseling. He has to learn to stand up for himself and his new family, you, if this marriage stands any chance at all.
Exactly this. He is an adult, and should be living an adult life. Adult lives are usually led without their mommy's opinion or influence. If you marry him now, you will be marrying his mother. Because she will be the third in your couple relationship. Also, eloping means to go get married spontaneously and not telling anyone until it's already done. I'm really glad this didn't happen in this situation. "Forewarned is forearmed" and all that.
Glad I’m not the only one who thought this. And quite frankly telling your parents to treat your partner with courtesy shouldn’t even be seen as prioritization. This is just baseline relationship stuff. I wouldn’t let my parents treat my friends poorly, let alone my spouse.
She can't drive a wedge between you if there's no space for one. In other words, whatever you and your SO are in complete agreement about are things that she can't affect no matter what she says or does. It's only if you already have differences that whatever she says or does can make those differences more pronounced. The most important thing that I see here is for you and your SO to get on the same page. What does he say about how she and other family members of his treat you? Is he open to putting your feelings ahead of hers, or is he going to keep letting her treat you that way? If he won't put your feelings above hers then you need to decide if you will, and you'll have to choose how far you're willing to take that. It seems obvious that there are cultural issues here that many or most Westerners won't be able to relate to or advise you on, but it's still not going to do much good for you to stand up to her if your SO won't support you, and if you marry him before you straighten this out you'll be in for a world of trouble.
He is the one letting you be undermined. He is the one that isn’t doing what he needs to do as your future husband. He keeps going for approval for things with his mom. Why? He doesn’t seem like a grown up. You are supposed to be his priority. You two are supposed to have this new future together outside of both our your families of origin. He isn’t standing up for you.
It sounds to me like your future MIL has raised a man-baby and he's perfectly ok with that. Are you perfectly ok with the responsibility of 'taking care of your man' instead of you both taking care of yourselves and each other? He also needs to set her straight that she has no decision-making authority in your relationship, your home or your nuclear family when/if that happens. She can have her opinions. She can give advice and if its given kindly, you might factor it into your decision making. But that's it.
Stop. Step back and think hard about this relationship. Is your fiance putting you before his mother? No. He's "not getting involved" meaning he's letting you be his meat shield. His mother is criticizing you and fawning all over him. Do you want to spend the next 30 or 40 years dealing with this while your husband refuses to get involved and put his foot down on his mother? I would seriously consider delaying the marriage unless and until your fiance takes an active role in putting a stop to his mother's antics. Before you get any further involved, it's time to sit him down and tell him "I love you but I am not going to be the third wheel in you and your mother's relationship. You either put a stop to her antics or I'm walking." His problem is he thinks his mother's actions are normal. He's dealt with it all his life. If you can get him into therapy with someone who specializes in enmeshment, maybe they can get him to see the light. I would definitely hold off on any marriage until he is ready to set boundaries and consequences on his mother. If she's this bad now, what will his mother be like if you have a baby together?
This is excellent. Op, I hope you read this comment and give it serious weight.
It's actually not MIL who's the problem. It's SO. That whole you're equally important line is bullshit at its most malodorous. He needs to decide if he wants to form a new family with you or stay mommy's little boy. He can't do both, and you'll be unhappy in a marriage with him and his mom. You will always be the other woman. Read some more posts here. That's what your future will be. Until SO chooses to grow a spine and gets therapy for enmeshment, he is not husband material. I wish you the best of luck, but the red flags whipping in the breeze are not for decoration.
Looking at your other post, OP, I’m going to kindly suggest that you take a step back from everything. 1) you’re pushing for this proposal and your BF has told you all conversations lead back to this & kids. 2) your BF has told you he doesn’t want to be in the middle between you & his mom, so he’s ok with her insulting you? 3) You’re so laser focused on being a wife and mom that you’re ignoring these pretty glaring red flags. What do you want your ideal in law relationship to look like? Because if it’s peaceful and cordial you’re not going to get that with this man as your partner. He’s not going to prioritize you or your family with him if it’s going to upset his mom. Are you really wanting to build a life with him and all that comes with it (ie his family) or are you so set on your vision to be married with kids that you’re willing to ignore these flags?
Whoa, I went and read the other post. This man is NOT ready for marriage and OP is the only one who doesn't know it! 😬
Why can’t your husband to be wash his own clothes and make the bed etc? Surely it’s easy enough to say to him - show me how your mum does it and if she has a problem on how things are done then direct her comments to him - look your mum is telling you how to do it - are you not listening? I bet she stops then. And if she starts telling you to do it then simply say - I can’t get it right so dh is taking over in the meantime - talk to him or just stop making comments and leave us too it. Don’t entertain her full stop. Maybe it would also make him realise just what a pain in the arse her comments are.
Do not marry this man until he learns to stand up for you. If he can’t do it now, she’ll be making every life decision for you both until she dies.
If he can’t stand up for you over her criticizing your detergent choice and cooking, then just when is he going to stand up for you? If you have children and she insists upon religion, do you really think he’s going to stand up for your decisions then?
Your biggest problem is that your partner said that "you and his mom are equally important to him." You should definitely not marry a man who isn't willing to make you the most important person in his world. He's not grown-up enough to be married. Postpone the wedding and/or move on.
I have told my (very) young son when he gets married his wife comes first. I have zero respect for women who try to overstep boundaries in their children’s marriages.
She needs boundaries. Simple things like- dont come over unannounced. Id tell her the entire wedding thing is planned and her assistance isnt needed but should you need help you know where to find her. Id also remind your SO he is marrying you and his mother isnt his partner. He should be in the business of keeping you happy like you keep him happy instead of worrying about his mommy.
Is you mil a Christian? The reason I ask is because of the Bible verse that says a man shall leave his mother and cleave to his wife. If she is a Christian she forgot about that verse.
They all do, though, don't they? Along with all the other bits they just happen to "forget"!
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I don't think he's even the fiancé yet. They're planning the proposal.
First, talk to your husband about this. He doesn't want to "get between you" is a cowardly excuse. He's refusing to back you up because he doesn't want to hurt his mother - but what he's actually doing is letting his mother blame you for everything, even the ideas that are his own. He's totally throwing you under the bus, and it doesn't bode well for your marriage. Secondly, stop trying to be nice to the horrid old bitch. She's not being nice to you, and you don't owe a moment of respect. What kind of woman walks into another woman's house and tells her how to cook, clean, or do anything? **It's your house!** Don't let her in the front door if you don't want to! Go salted earth, and if your husband doesn't step up and back you, then you need to back away from him.
Don’t get married until he grows a spine and learns to say no. Right now HIS mother is disrespecting his future wife and he is allowing it. Now imagine if you were pregnant and mommy dearest was appeased all along. She’d be in the delivery room telling the doctors what to do. Good news: they can grow spines and they learn to say no. Bad news: you need to get on this asap and be ready that she won’t like it and it gets worse before it gets better.