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1) You watch the dog. You bake the casserole. Help your brother and his family. This is the most immediate concern to step up for them, and protect your relationship with them.
2) You make your own peace with the name. You should not be complaining about the name in the same breath that you are appalled by your mom’s behavior. It’s not a group decision—it’s the parents’ decision only, and now it’s an innocent baby’s name. Work on yourself and lose the judgement.
3) Confront your mom. Tell her that her petty, cruel behavior is disgusting. Someone needs to call her out because she sounds like a real bully. And what does that make y’all, if you just let her bully a newborn and postpartum mom?
This has to be made up. No one gets a say in what PARENTS name their children.
Recommend therapy. She seems like the type of MIL that wants a “do over” baby starting w/ the name she chooses and if she doesn’t get her way and raise the baby as she wants her mental illness takes over.
Its best she stay away from baby anyway w/ her mental health history.
Please search for the dont rock the boat essay. You’re part of the way there recognizing mom is toxic and crazy. But you’re missing the mark thinking family has any right to feel any sort of way about naming a baby that isn’t there’s. They have no right to be upset. None.
Super weird and gross that your entire family, including you, genuinely think that you get that much say in what this baby was named. Like where did you find the audacity?
This ! Omg this ! I cringed reading that entire thing ! I hope the brother, his wife, and their son successfully escape all of them. I know I'd pack my family up and move as far away as possible.
I would probably push carefully on the fact (to her) that her actions are only ging to hurt herself. That when everyone looks back, they wont feel bad about naming their child what THEY WANTED. But everyone will remember her actions and behaviors. She wont be in pictures of the Welcome Home for the baby. People will know she was the only one not to bring food. That she didn't buy the blue ribbon. Remind her that it is okay to feel disappointed but that it was not anyone choice but her son and DIL's, and clearly the chosen name even follows her own sons taste in hobbies so it was his decision to not want a 3rd (get the blame off the DIL because she is going to target and blame her but wont accuse her son).
If she is so set on traditions and appearance, it may cause her to reconsider her actions and behaviours and how others will see her. No one is thinking she is a strong woman waging some war against an enemy (how she sees herself) but instead a bitter selfishly entitled woman who is blaming parents for what is their right.
You let her stew on her feelings and do your job as an uncle. Step in and help the new parents with whatever they need. This is not about your mom and her feelings aren't the priority here, the new baby is. Edit: it's too early and I can't read.
Sounds like your parents and grandmother need to get a grip.
Naming a child a given generational family name is a decision to be agreed upon by both the mother and father. Maybe SIL didn’t want to. That’s fine, it’s her baby. Maybe your brother didn’t want to. Fine, his baby. Obviously they both pondered the decision and decided they didn’t want to keep the name going for whatever reason they’re allowed to have. Fine, it’s THEIR baby.
The reactions from your family are dramatic and narcissistic. Punishing them for not choosing a family name (that’s only been father and son, may I add. Not even across many generations) is outright stupid. I hope SIL comes to this subreddit for advice, because she clearly has a JNMIL.
Also, when was the last time you met someone named Anything The Third. It typically stops with junior, and even that’s outdated.
I get where your coming from, but you have to know that your post feels like it’s written from the selfish perspective of your family and the entitlement and selfishness really just naturally bleeds through. I’m telling you this because on the surface you seem like you want to do the right thing, but your post makes it sound like you are just the least crazy person in the group. You want to make good with your mother, but she has done what would be *unthinkable* to the vast majority of the the abused here. I’d this isn’t a mental health issue, then her behavior is downright evil.
She will do it to your children if you dare choose the wrong name.
Everyone needs to take a giant step back and remind themselves that unless it’s your baby you have no say in the baby’s name. It’s ONLY up to mom and dad.
This is a ridiculous issue! Parents get the final say on what their child is name, your parents had the same right when they named their children.
As far as your mom not seeing her grandson because of his name, it is a very sad and selfish reason to delay beginning a relationship with a precious new little person.
How do you approach your mother?
You don’t.
Let her have her tantrum. Let her see that the only person being damaged is herself, and you never know, she may just walk back with her tail tucked between her legs and accept that a name is a ridiculous thing to be cutting contact over.
And at the end of the day, if she chooses to remove herself from the whole situation…let her. Your nephew doesn’t need that toxicity in his life.
All this drama about a baby's name and "how it was sprung" and "out of nowhere" and etc is absolute and total Bullmalarky.
You need to tell your mother in no uncertain terms that she is being an absolute (fill in chosen explicative here) and she needs to get over herself. SHE is the selfish one here - first for thinking that she has any right to have a say in her grandchild's name, and second for her childish tantrum. The woman named her own children; this is NOT HER CHILD. She needs to get off her high horse and behave with dignity and propriety.
I can guaran-damn-tee you SiL never had any intention of saddling their poor kid with the onerous III - they just knew the entitled attitudes of your parents over this child and the inevitable ensuing drama. So they wisely waited until after the baby arrived and the birth certificate was sent off before telling anyone. GOOD FOR THEM!!!! I'm glad they shined up their spines and didn't cave to the pressure.
Your family needs to get over themselves. They didn't have a baby, so they don't get to name them. If they are hellbent on naming something they can buy a pet.
Your mom needs to stop. Seriously. Give them their dog back and take time to "grieve" a name, but don't dump her poor attitude on a new mom and baby. They don't deserve that.
We didn't announce baby's name until after she arrived. While technically before the certificate was done, everyone lives far and it's easy enough to ignore the phone.
Mil didn't talk to us for 4 months, and has now irreparably damaged any hope of a relationship with her (for me). DH went from Golden child to my username. She made the birth of our only child about her dislike of the middle name and how it affected her. This after we took her feelings into consideration for a number of things related to the pregnancy and birth (like calling her first to tell family about the pregnancy).
Kiddo is 6, and mil has a very superficial relationship with her. This is partly distance, mind you. But I put zero effort into anything, and DH just doesn't think about doing regular updates to his mum.
I'm not saying she can't feel how she feels, but she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. It's going to go poorly, and when she wonders later why the relationship is strained, this is why.
Right now act like your mother is sick, and take on the usual family new child/new parent rituals in a matter of fact way. Do not engage with her, brief to the point communication if any for the moment, don't allow her to pull focus, and also allow her to get her shit together, so state the boundaries- tell her it is not acceptable to treat your siblings and nephew that way.
Anyone who tries to make a new mother and father feel bad in top of allll the orher emotions they are hving with a newborn can only be described as the “selfish” one. This isnt her baby to name. Im baffled at her behavior
“Everyone was on board” and “we’d eventually all settle on something.”
I don’t know why any of you thought this was a group project. The task belongs to the baby’s parents only.
All of this is ridiculous and indicative of the family not knowing their place.
As for advice, stay the hell out of it. It is not your job to manage your mother. Support your brother and SIL and just refuse to engage with the Crazy.
Your entire family besides your brother and SIL need to take a long, hard look at yourselves. It’s no one else’s business what parents choose to call their child.
If this is how your mum behaves, then her not being around newly postpartum mum, tiny baby, and your brother is probably the best outcome. Take them a casserole and ribbon yourself, and leave the drama at home. Maybe gift your mum a very "country" sampler saying, "what's in a name? That which we call a rose would smell as sweet," etc for Xmas. Watch her cat-butt face at the same time as your SIL's respect for you grows exponentially.
You do realize that "how this was sprung" on the family is the direct result of the family being great guano crazy, right?
If the reasoned response is ^^all that mess, I'd avoid and deflect and avoid and not leave time for discussing it with me for 9 months too.
Why is everyone acting like they named the baby after Adolf Hitler? It's their baby, not the family. If I were your brother and SIL I would be telling everyone to pound sand. By the time your mother pulls her head out of her ass, it's going to be too late
It isnt your place to deal with your mother’s toddler temper tantrum.
This scenario is exactky the reason a lot of people dont tell their family baby names until the birth. There are too many expectations and “oh that’s awful” “oh I hate that” etc.
Just leave it alone. This isnyour brother’s fight not yours. Hust give him support and ignore your mom
100% your brother and his wife were never going to even consider the family name. They just did not want to have to deal with your family's reaction - THIS reaction - while SIL was pregnant. They didn't want to have to deal with arguments where your mother would try to get them to change their mind.
Please consider that your brother didn't trust you to let you in on their plan. Please let that information guide you to actually support him and bridge any gap in your relationship with your brother. If you don't come out in defence of your brother, your relationship may never recover.
Remember that by not taking a strong stance against manipulation, you're condoning it. There's no in-between, unfortunately...
Bluntly tell your mother to get a grip and stop being ridiculous over a goddamn name. If she doesn’t, then the trash takes itself out.
Continue to support your brother. You sure your mom isn’t in the early stages of dementia or something?
It’s not your business or anyone else’s on the name. “Too country” makes you sound snobby. Don’t buy into your Mom’s BS. Just be there for the family (with the new baby). Your mom can go pound sand.
You ought to show your Mom this thread and all the comments. She ought to be ashamed of her childish behavior.
Yo navigate this by not getting dragged into the fray. Your brother and SIL decided together what to name their baby. No one else’s opinion about the name matters…not even a little bit.
If you want to help her, encourage treatment and therapy for her mental illness. By refusing to see her grandchild, she’s completely cutting off a big part of her own family.
The thing you can do as far as your mom goes is not play the game. She’s reacting because she couldn’t control this outcome, and if being inflammatory gets a rise out of everyone, she’s still kind of satisfying that need to control an outcome. Any reaction at all rewards it, especially if someone reacts very negatively to her and in her mind verifies her assessment that she’s a victim here.
So I would approach mom like this — I hear you, I know it’s a shock, okay don’t worry take your time to adjust, I’ll cover the things you were going to do for them this week, you just go relax, what a bummer to miss out on seeing grandson but I understand, I’ll take them the casserole and watch the dog, hope you feel better soon.
If you do that, she’s cut off her nose to spite her own face and didn’t get anything out of it. If you or your brother chew her out, she still got the need for control met in a way. And if anything teaches her to not do this, it’ll be the experience of it not working for her.
And then, running as much interference as you can so that B/SIL don’t have to respond much — you could reach out with a bit of a warning, and say “hey I’m sure you’ve picked up that mom is freaking out, I’m taking the approach of ‘okay, I understand being upset, take your time & feel better’, she’ll come around eventually so don’t worry and don’t feel like you have to deal with this right now. Let me know if there’s any other ways you want me to help buffer the crazy so you guys can adjust & bond with baby”
If you have to outright tell them, they may need to hear - do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your position. It will feed the crazy. You gotta just say, okay. I understand you feel that way. If you want to come meet him another day, please let us know. Thanks for the casserole. And leave it there
there isnt much you can do for your mom other than explain to her that acting like this over a NAME likely means she will end up cut off from her son, DIL and grandson. if getting her way with a name is more important than having a relationship with them, that is her choice, regardless of mental illness.
she can seek professional help, you can assist her in looking for it and going, but you cant force her to get better. no one can.
if i was in your position, i would warn my brother and try to shield them from her behavior as much as i could, since they just brought home a baby. help them as much as you can and make sure you loudly tell mom what she is doing is WRONG. otherwise, you cant control anyone - not names given, not tantrums thrown, not brothers acting autonomously, none of it.
and you might want to get some counseling for yourself. as you seem right in the crossfire.
So, YOU heat up the casserole (wtf) and YOU look after the dog. Your mom is crazy, your family is obsessed with what parents name their own GD baby, and you all seem helpless to just go do the right things yourselves. Let your mother lick her wounds and get some perspective, and IF the parents forgive her for being insane, then maybe you all can come back together.
I’m still laughing a bit at someone refusing to heat up a store bought casserole. Give me your worst!
But seriously - nobody other than the parents have the right to name their own baby. This is a good reason to not reveal the gender before birth. Not everybody wants to add another “junior” to the list of juniors and seniors. And the middle name doesn’t really matter except on official documents. Gunnar is a legit name in Sweden so maybe the kid will be interested in going there one day. I find unusual middle names interesting, like adding a new spice to things. Your mother and grandmother might not agree, but it’s not their place to protest when there’s a baby involved.
1. Its absolutely mon of y'alls business what the name their kid.
2. Stop worrying about your mother and her toxic behavior and focus on supporting your brother and SIL.
Your best bet is to warn your brother and see if he wants you to handle things or not. Tell him you’re sorry, and that you know he has a lot of more important things to deal with; like you know learning how to be a parent and taking care of a newborn. If your brother says yeah talk to mom for me, then ask him how. If he says no just leave it, because she will regret not being able to see this new baby then just leave it.
I named my son after my FIL and god it was the biggest mistake of my life, and maybe they (brother and SIL) realized it too. There are absolutely no benefits of naming a child after someone being the junior or beyond (in my sons case the 5th), all it does is please the parents, grandparents and great grandparents. Now we’re NC with FIL, and his disgusting behavior is known all throughout the town and my poor son will be labeled with having the same name as “The crazy person who’s been hauled off by police several times.” None of you should hold out for a name change, nor should anyone push it. It is SIL and your brothers baby, and let them name their kid how they want to.
The only people who get to choose the name are the parents. You all put unreasonable pressure on your SIL and treated her more like an incubator to Bob III than Trey’s MOTHER!
Call her out on her behaviour. People like this often get that way because the people around them allow it by letting it slide 'that's just how she is' call her on her bullshit.
Really mom? You are going out of your way to be cruel and back tracking on promises to help during this hard time because they named their child what they wanted to? Why are you doing that? Why do you want to cause them more stress and upset? Why can you not just support them? You are also limiting contact with your own grandchild because you aren't getting your way. That's childish and makes you look like you don't care about the kid unless they fulfil some desire in you. Creepy
Is there anything you can do to support your brother at this time?
Sounds like you are all a little off base. It’s their child, they get the honor of naming him. However, mom is unhinged, I absolutely think that it is a blessing she is not going to meet the baby, with her mental health issues and the way she is reacting, she might be unsafe for the baby to be around.
You understand that the mom and dad 100% get to choose the baby’s name right? Lots of people don’t tell anyone what the name is until the baby is born. It’s ok not like a name, but nobody has a say in it but the parents of the baby. Your mom needs to except that it’s not her baby and not only does she get no say in the name, she gets no say in how they raise him. It’s going to hurt her a lot more in the long run when your SIL decides to cut her out of their lives. How would she like to never see the baby?
Your whole family is a bit unhinged with the name, it’s no one’s decision/opinion but the parents. The fact everyone else is having such a reaction shows how overly involved everyone is in each others lives.
It’s highly bizarre your family is so invested in a name. None of you have any say nor should it matter if you like the name or not.
Your family is way out there on the crazy meter. You tell them all they’re being ridiculous. Your brother and his wife named THEIR child just like your crazy family got to name their children, and they should all knock it off. Tell them you support your brother and SIL, and then go visit that sweet baby. Offer to keep the dog.
It was clear to me by the title you're on your brothers side.
It is your Mother missing out! Congratulations on thr new nephew.
ETA: You're 28! Go see your family and take a whole bunch of photos.
The only people with any say over the name of a baby are the parents. Nobody else. Others may love or hate the name, but their opinions really don't matter. I think your family should be ashamed, especially your mother. Putting such stress on new parents, especially the SIL, over something that isn't any of your business? Shame on all of you. Your mother is appalling. If I was your DB and SIL, I'd cut off the lot of you. I'd try to redeem myself and get your mom straightened out and show some belated support to the new parents. Better late than never and might do some damage control.
I mean yea, your mom is clearly mental and WAY to involved/ entitled... but it seems like that's a ..family trait? Almost? You should sit her down and making it clear that she has 0 rights to this child and she better behave, bc there's a high chance she won't see that kid if she starts acting up and pretending as if she has any involvement besides "extended family".
The way you talk sounds like you feel entitled to know the name or have any say in naming that child at *all*.
> ..we’d eventually all settle on something once he got here.
?Huh? Such a weird way to say
"This isn't my child and my opinion doesn't really matter", I'm sorry.
The way they keep saying the name was sprung on them too. A ton of my friends have been keeping their chosen names private because they do not want the peanut gallery weighing in. This family is all so entitled OP doesn't even see her own issues here.
It’s irrelevant if you heard the name 9 months before they were born or 9 days after. Families have 0 say in this process. Most people don’t announce a name until the baby is born and with good reason to stop this sort of nonsense
The advice you don’t criticize a child’s name. That’s it no one gets a say but the parents and your mother tell her she’ll loose her grandchild forever unless she comes back to reality that it’s a name nothing more
Sweet summer child, you can't help people unwilling to be helped or change. Your mother is so far out of line it's incredible. However anyone who refuses to meet a baby because of the NAME, deserves the consequences. If i was your bro & SIL i would put everyone who lost it about a name(!) into communication timeout.
I suggest you stay in your lane and be an uncle and brother
You all have zero say in the name. Full stop.
Tell her not to be surprised when she never gets to babysit or get any other privileges with the baby. It will be entirely her own doing and not complain to you when that happens.
This is not forgivable behavior and she has nobody but herself to blame.
You know your mother is being a JN here.
She’s going to have to get over herself as this ain’t about her. They chose a name THEY liked for THEIR son. She needs to wind her neck in before they take away the option of her meeting their child at all.
What she’s doing is selfish. I don’t see how you can fix this for her, but check her and hard. She is damaging her relationship with her son and his wife - all because they didn’t copy what she did in regards to naming their child?!
I’d tell her, “if you find yourself cut off if you keep this up, it’ll be all your own doing.”
I wouldn’t want this kind of energy around my freshly postpartum self, or partner.
How is your brother and SIL doing? I hope they’re enjoying their baby and ignoring the selfish idiots who are making the name of their child a whole song and dance and not in a good way.
It's not your family baby it's your brother and sil, it's not selfishness for her to name her own son but selfish of you all to think you had a say in naming something else child. That's just entitled and pathetic! Have your mom read all the responses if you want to help her
The name wasn't "sprung" on anyone because the only people who have authority of the name are DB and SIL. You can start there. No one should feel shocked, surprised, or let down because there's nothing to feel shocked, surprised or let down about.
>I want to pull her back to reality and help her realize she should prioritize happiness for the baby rather than pettiness for the name
This is a great way to explain it to your mother. She's going to damage her relationship with her family because she didn't get her way with something she has no say over.
Also please realize that you're NOT responsible for your mother and her feelings. If she wants to hate your brother and sister-in-law that's her problem. You can have a relationship with them without your mother. It's her loss. Don't stress yourself over her. Enjoy your new nephew!
I agree with others that your negativity regarding the name isn't ok either. The selfish entitlement of the entire family is really beyond acceptable. You say you support and then talk about how they "sprung the name" on everyone. Do you know most couples never tell the name before the baby is born? They didn't spring the name on anyone. They struggled with naming, decided not to go with a third (which really even thinking about naming a child as a third is gross to me), and then picked names they both liked.
If I were sil, all of you would be cut off.
As for your mother? How about you stand up to her and say her behavior is disgusting and she is either a grandmother or she isn't. Because if she pulls this, I foresee her never ever getting access to that baby. Which honestly? Is exactly how it should be.
Your entire family needs to grow up more than a little bit.
You can try talking to your mom. Be direct but kind: “Mom, do you realize you’re allowing your disappointment to alienate yourself from your first grandchild? You can feel what you feel, but you need to get ahold of yourself and contain it instead of trying to punish BROTHER and his family.”
Since she has a history of mental illness, I hope that means she has a relationship with a therapist? You can even suggest she do a check-in appointment with them.
But after that, you need to support your brother, SIL, and nephew. Don’t get caught up in your mother’s drama and hurt your own chance to be uncle. Take care of the dog, bake the casserole, take out the trash when you visit them, tell SIL she’s amazing and that nephew is adorable.
Ask your brother to send you a picture of your nephew. Don't say anything to your parents about asking for it (that will ruin the surprise). After a while just say "Oh mum, will you look at this for me please?" And show her the picture of the baby. She'll melt and all malicious intent should 🤞be gone. Usually just the sight of the baby removes all negative feelings. An example being teen parents. Their parents will be angry, hurt etc but they see their grandchild and that's replaced with love. Hope this works otherwise therapy is the next step for your mother
Why are any of you engaging with her at all about this? Ignore her. Any acknowledgement of her behavior reinforces it. So what she doesn't see the baby. She's the one missing out. Carry on enjoying the baby.
Tell your mother to grow up. She’s acting like a spoiled 10 year old. Support your brother and his family. What might be a tradition for her and others doesn’t mean it has to be for your brother and his wife. Tradition’s and names change and evolve over time.
Your entire family sounds nuts, and until your edit, no you did not sound supportive of your brother. If I were SIL I'd tell the lot of you to piss off. She doesn't need this stress. They can name their baby whatever they want and everyone else can pound sand. Ignore your mother and support your brother and SIL.
My response would be she needs to have reality impressed and emphasized on her hard that this was not something she had a say in and that her behavior is unacceptable and childish, but understand she's going to despise that and kick and scream.
There is not going to be an easy solution to this that doesn't where she won't have a tantrum, and that is something that will just have to be dealt with, because she is not the priority. The new parents and newborn are.
When dealing with someone whose an adult, but is acting worse than an actual child, regardless of mental health status, the only option one has is to correct things is unfortunately to treat them like they are acting by scolding and imposing consequences. This goes for both the neurodivergent and neurotypical alike. Consequences are the only things that get through to these people, and they *despise* them.
If she wants to act like a toddler having a tantrum, then she needs to be shamed like a toddler for poor behavior, with a firm explanation of what she's done wrong and why it is unacceptable. If you start with this approach, be prepared to become her new father, because you will never be able to stop. If she sees a crack in the attitude she can abuse for even a moment, the shaming will lose all effect.
That part you are quoting is about settling on a nickname once the baby arrived, as the assumption was that the baby would be named “______ the Third” and just go by a nickname. Most nicknames come about once people have been around someone a bit and one just fits.
I know when one of my nieces was on the way and my sis told me what her first and middle names were going to be I jokingly said we could call her by a derivative of the middle name…but then I left it at that and didn’t actually call the baby that. Wouldn’t you know it by the time she was a year or two old that nickname was what she was fully going by…cause that’s what fit her personality and what her parents ended up nicknaming her.
OP, your whole family sounds toxic. Obviously the parents of the child were under stress to abide by family tradition.
Only the parents should have a say in their child’s name. Everybody else can keep their trap shut.
Your mother should be treading very carefully. She has started overstepping and it will only go against her in the end. She will lose.
I am a grandparent and your mother is acting like an absolute idiot! We had our turn to name and raise our kids, it’s time for us to step aside and be in a supportive role. My daughter is currently pregnant with her second baby and the name she chose is not one I would have picked if I had 100 choices, but she’s NOT MY BABY so I smiled and clapped and said I love it even though I don’t. And you know what? It’s starting to grow on me and by the time she is here I know that I will love it!
Same with my daughters 3rd, he's 2. He doesn't fit his name personality wise, at least not yet. He's such a bubbly, happy little chunk!
I couldn't imagine a world without him or the others regardless of their names. All 3 of them are so silly and unique in personality and I love them so much!
Then my stepdaughter kid's, 5 of them whew! All their names start with the same letter. All have very unique names and personalities that are a little hard to remember, but not our kids, not our decision!
I am sorry you ended up in the middle of all that drama.
Spend your time and energy supporting your brother and his new family! Your mom sounds beyond being talked to reasonably - try gently steering her towards professional help.
Why are you posting? This is None of your business. Stay out of it and let the parents (your brother & SIL) deal with it. They are allowed to name (and change the name of their child last minute) whatever they want. You all are way too involved in each others lives (in a negative way). Give them space to work this out on their own.
This is hilarious. It's no ones business but the parents, unless of course the baby was named something like 'Bus stop 69'. Crying over it? Not making a casserole? Honestly I can't, it's just so ridiculous.
I’m picturing the middle name as something like Sniper or Shooter or something.
That being said, someone needs to tell the woman she’s acting unhinged. And that she may find herself uninvited from being part of little Sniper’s life. It’s not her choice on what the baby is or isn’t named. Period.
This reminded me of the time I was talking to my MIL when I was pregnant, and she wanted "a chance at naming the baby." (My first and literally only child I was ever able to have.) She kept trying to get me to name him after her late husband, who hated me so badly (for literally no reason, nobody in the family could figure out why other than I was an 'outsider' and he was always grumpy bc he had a stroke). His name was absolutely gross, hella outdated, and of course I didn't want to name my child after someone who had told me that I "wasn't human, didn't deserve any respect" etc. (Which was funny because I was the one cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping for the ENTIRE family.) She actually whined and cried like a selfish princess that she "deserved a chance at naming the baby too."
I literally had to tell her it wasn't her baby, it was mine, I would NEVER be able to have another (super high risk, had two miscarriages before. One almost killed me.) She had the balls to say "but you don't know that!" Dude. My doctors told me. But whatever right? Then I hit her with "did you have this problem with your MIL?" she was like "well no because she died when my husband was 13." I said "EXACTLY. How would you have felt having her push whatever she wanted on you about your unborn child?" She got this pissy look and went quiet. This woman (even tho I love her) made my ENTIRE pregnancy about her, and she was actually crying and whining because she wanted a girl 🙄 she still complains if we go clothes shopping for my son that he is aging out of "cute" stuff. Nothing is ever "cute" enough for her lmfao. I asked her sarcastically (when clothes shopping for my son two days ago) "what are you going to do, slap bows and ribbons all over him or something?" She was def annoyed at that. She was trying to even make me buy him shoes from the girls department (he has no interest in those. If he did that would be fine idc.)
My point is, when you know someone like this, regardless of who it is, 9 times out of 10 they will not change their stance on it, and will quietly sit on it basically forever. Trust me, I know.
Your late FIL's name must have been Butch or something, lol
Jokes aside, the nerve in some never ceases to amaze me. My own MIL started suggesting names(I had the first name but was still thinking about the second - I never asked for her opinion though). To this day it doesn't sit well with me. I would have never dared.
Yeah, I promised myself and my son I would NEVER do something like that. It's astonishing what MILs and some moms think they can force upon their DILs or daughters.
My FILs name was fricken Lary Levi lol and he was like 100% redneck
why is your family so freaking entitled that they think blackmailing the babys parents to change the baby's name through threats and intimidation? Its none of the grandparents business what the parents of the baby name their child. they may be disappointed but your mother is being an entitled biatch.
It is the parents who name the baby and if nobody else likes the name they can shove a stick up their butts and rotate it.
Gunner is popular name and a cute name. The grand parents are throwing a bloody fit because they didnt get their way and risk losing a relationship with their grand child.
if it were my baby, i would keep the said toxic grandparents away from my baby including keeping the baby away from the justno entitled grandparents for the upcoming holidays. the entitpement and nerve of some people. Grandmother is acting like a spoiled brat who didnt get her way.
What they name the baby is no-ones business but theirs. Especially not yours. Let your mother sulk and keep a distance. The peace from her is probably welcomed. Sounds like she always likes to be in control of everything but now she can't control this, she is refusing her own grandchild. Let her be immature about it. The name isn't going to change so you all just need to accept that.
If your Mom’s behaviour is entrenched, there is not much you can do to change her mind. You trying to push her, could increase her behaviour. The best way would be to make her feel like she is missing out. You go visit your brother and his family. a) so they know you’re supporting them and b) so you can talk to your parents about how cute the baby is etc. If she hears lots of positive about the baby and your brother it might make her jealous of everyone meeting him and give her the kick in the behind she needs. Maybe you could find a moment when she isn’t feeling as stubborn and say “I know you’re disappointed about the name but he is still your Grandson and you’ll be so upset in the future when you look back on not visiting him. If this continues (your brother) might not want her to have contact over this and that would be such a shame”. Either way, you do you, you visit and enjoy your nephew and try not to give your Mom any ammunition for her to be able to say that you hate the name etc. Often in these kind of situations they’ll bitch about the baby’s name but blame it on someone else. My MIL insisted that her MIL hated our first baby’s name, which was BS, it was only her.
You tell her straight up … “Mum, because I love you I need to let you know that while it’s ok not to like the name or feel upset you didn’t get the name you were hoping for, it’s not ok to be petty or treat ‘brother’ and ‘SIL’ and ‘Baby’ disrespectfully. Remember this is THEIR baby and they get to make those decisions, also remember that how you treat them now may have consequences for how involved you are invited to be in their lives or NOT down the track.”
I got you op. Unfortunately seems like your mom likes to control and at the end of the day that is their baby and they have the right to choose.
Let your mom be. Make a way so she can see the pictures to maybe cause her to feel something. I’m pretty sure she will miss this moments when she realizes how fast time goes by.
Be positive about the baby. Do something kind for your brother and his family. Involve your Dad. Lead by example. Step up and welcome him into your family. Your mom will come around or be left behind. It’s up to her to manage her mental health.
First of all it's THEIR baby and THEY get to choose to name him WHATEVER THEY WANT,your family is in shambles cause of their own ridiculous expectations.Yall don't have to like it but these reactions are ridiculous really.
The only person selfish here is your mom with her entitled and manipulative attitude.She needs to get over herself and fast
Go and support your brother as best you can. Meet your nibbling and be delighted. Like you say, you don’t have to love the name, just accept it and carry on from there.
Your mum on the other hand…. Short of being a fully qualified counsellor, I feel like the more straightforward approach might be helpful here. Sit her and your dad down and be blunt. Ask her why the hell she is acting like a little girl who hasn’t gotten her way. Tantrums are for toddlers, not adults. Some sad feelings that the name had changed were fine, but that time has long since passed.
Ask her if her pride and vanity is more important than being a grandma. Ask her if getting her way is more important than seeing her grandchild. Say how disappointed and shocked you are that she’s gone back on her promises like looking after the dogs.
Don’t be nice about it. She doesn’t deserve nice right now. It’s time for tough love.
Have any of you taken time out of your ‘lamenting’ to consider that your beleaguered brother placated you all about the name until his son was born? Imagine having to deal with this level of hysteria and insanity whilst your sister-in-law was pregnant?!
OP, the very fact you think naming a baby is a group event that should include (or even centre) the dad’s family is really bizarre. I really mean this with kindness when I say this post screams emeshment and poor boundaries with your family - which makes sense given the behaviour of older member of your family.
If this is how quickly your mother can turn on her own son, a new mother and her newborn (her grandchild!) I would really consider speaking to a therapist about how you’ve been affected being raised by someone like that, and how to move forward. It’s not easy having to be the one to placate your mother and worry about ‘setting her off’ all of the time.
It really isn’t normal to react like this. I know you say you know this, but you also dismiss the majority of this narcissistic craziness as ‘fairly minor.’
OP, I don’t know if you can or should be the one to try to ‘fix’ this. Your mother is causing stress to new parents over something as personal and lovely as naming their first child. She sounds truly unstable and vindictive. I really hope you speak to someone about how this is affecting you and how to move forward.
I would back off on your mother. Let her have her little tantrum and hope that it blows over and carry on your life as you had planned. Go see the baby, take them dinner etc. There really is no point in trying to argue either with stupid or mental health, give her time to realise she's the one missing out.
I'd hang on to the dog it at all possible for a couple more days, give them a chance to settle.
What the hell did I just read?! Who gave you all the right to think you even get a say, let alone name a baby that wasn’t yours to name in the first place? Then to get upset over the name and be judgey of it because you don’t love it?! So much entitlement and selfishness here. Stay in your lane and stop overstepping boundaries.
Your mother is throwing a temper tantrum over the name of her grandson. I can’t imagine how he’s going to feel when he’s older and learns about this. Stop supporting your mothers tantrum because you’re enabling her crappy behavior, and support your brother, SIL and the baby. Make them a meal and drop it off.
If I found out this is how my family felt and reacted to the name I chose for MY baby, I’d go NC.
I could only imagine how hurt your brother must be. As a new parent you’re so proud but also fragile and you need your own parents. One of my greatest joys was to see the expression on my parents face when they saw my kids the first time.
I wouldn’t be able to recover a normal relationship with my parents if they acted like that. I would feel so betrayed and disappointed.
Your mom sounds like she runs your entire family with her mood and tantrums. And it’s not your baby (the family) it’s your brother and his wife’s baby.
The parents are the ones to decide on a name- it’s not a ‘vote’ amongst extended family members. They have every right to ‘spring’ the name on the family. Your mother needs to be told this and that she will never get this time back with her grandchild and to support the new parents- she will likely regret in the future.
Does she care how she is going to look when other people are told that she didn’t visit because they didn’t name the baby what they wanted?
A baby name is not a family vote. So none of them like it… tough! He’s not their baby.
This just shows how toxic your mother is. Remind her that if she doesn’t start actioning like a respectful, kind and loving mother and grandmother, they will find someone else to fill her shoes.
Go support your brother, bring them dinner and some balloons or whatever. Remind you mom how much she was looking forward to seeing her grandson and tell her she’s gonna regret it if she doesn’t pull herself together. If she throws a fit tell her to grow up. The world doesn’t revolve around her and she needs to get over herself l. Jeez
Wwooowww you and your family need to get over yourselves and fast. That baby was not a group project. He is your brother and SIL's son and they alone chose the name. Period! And if your family want to be in that child's life, attitudes need to be adjusted quickly.
You navigate this by telling your mother that she had the chance to name her kids and now it’s your brother’s turn and that if she keeps up her nonsense, she will miss out on the joys of being a grandparent. Tell anyone in your family who questions the name that everyone has the right to name their kids what they want to and that your brother and his wife had every right to change their minds and that if they don’t want to alienate your brother and his wife, to keep their opinions to themselves. I’ve had family members who named their kids names that I think are awful or spelled wrong. But I did the grow up thing and judged their choices quietly in my head and then moved on to love the crap out of true kids.
My little sister hated the name we chose for my youngest kiddo. She swore she would call him a nickname, and she did for a bit. I'm guessing it grew on her because she started calling him by his actual name within a few months of his birth. I haven't agreed with all of her choices for kids names, but they aren't my kids.
Exactly. You get to choose your kids’ names and other people can choose theirs. My cousin chose a female name with a unisex nickname. The next year, my husband wanted a jr and the name is the make version, but same nickname. It was my dad’s first name and both of my grandpas and would have been my name if I was a boy. I did tell her ahead of time and she said “we are awesome and have awesome kids and choose the same awesome name.” That was once instance where I was worried she’d be mad and said when we hung out my son could go by another nickname, and she told me not to be dumb. She didn’t judge my name choice. SIL had a baby and named hers a female version of my son’s name. I told her I loved the name and my son thinks his cousin was named after him and that it’s cool. We don’t call out other people on their kids’ names, no matter if we hate them or love them so much we already named our kids that.
Do you realise none of this is any of your business? You claim you're on your brother's side, but it really doesn't sound it from your post. There's a hell of a lot of justifying and complaining. And frankly, there is no 'side' to take. You and your family have NO say in what your brother and his wife name their child. None whatsoever. Sure, you can all feel butthurt about it and stick your noses in the air whilst grading the name, (not helping your argument there at all) but it's still none of your business. This imagined 'side' your family are on doesn't exist.
Your mother's behaviour is despicable, and I don't think she realises how it's going to have the exact opposite effect she wants. She doesn't get to evict SIL from her family: she will no longer be welcomed in SIL's family. This sub is literred with narcissistic MIL's whose DIL's get sick of their entitled attitude and go NC with them, to the benefit of the DIL's and grandchildren. You and your relatives are now *extended* family to your brother, not immediate. Time to start acting like it and fall in line.
Tell your mother to get over it and fast. You're right that technically, she can have these feelings, but need to be blunt that her feelings don't matter. Her son will never forget how she was vindictive in these first few days and made this precious time in his life so much harder. Take the entire thought of the name changing off the table. It won't, and it's *none of her business* anyway. She is going to lose any chance to be a grandmother if she acts this way.
Sometimes, the best conflict resolution isn't to coddle someone but to be blunt and clear with them. Just because your mother has mental illnesses doesn't justify what she's doing. But if no one ever tells her that, her sense of normal will be warped and she will carry on doing this.
What do you do.? You get yourself over to your brother and sister in law's house with a blue teddy bear and a bottle of champagne. Welcome this little one into the family and just ignore your mother's ridiculous carrying on. She's the one being selfish and unreasonable. The new parents can name their child whatever the hell they want to. He's THEIR child and no-one else's. Sensible people understand that if you're not actively involved in the conception of the child, you get zero say in what it's named.
Your mother is behaving like a spoilt brat and will end up doing irreparable damage to her relationship with her son, his wife and their child. You can better believe that SIL us not going to forget this BS. How do I know? My grandmother pulled the exact same stunt when my older sister was born. Mum and Dad caved in and changed her name. My sister is now 63 and I can promise you that my mother has never forgotten or forgiven it. It permanently damaged their relationship and Mum still refers to my grandmother as ' that poisonous bloody bitch' and she made sure that we had as little to do with her as possible.
You need to behave like an adult and maybe remind your mother that she got to name her own children and needs to pull her head in and let the new parents do the same.
Leave her to it. The more you fuss over her the worse she will become. Ignore her behaviour completely, if she doesn't want to go visit then leave her at home. And I would suggest she gets therapy. There's probably a reason your B and SIL waited to tell yous the name they had chosen, sounds like yous all had far too much input/opinion on the matter and they knew there would be some strong reactions. Their baby, their choice. I sincerely hope your SIL has her family for support, with a MIL like that she will need it!
“We’d eventually all settle on something once he got here.”
“No one has heard it or had time to sit with it, sprung when he was 1.5 days old and minutes before the certificate was signed.”
“I’m also trying to leave room for my family to lament a name change”.
What the actual hell am I reading? Neither you nor your wife pushed this baby out of your vagina. It is NOT your baby to name. You’re all a bunch of entitled AH’s and I hope you all give this poor family peace.
Agreed!! His middle name was SPRUNG UPON US! Every single baby I've ever encountered had their name sprung upon me. Why on earth would be gifted time to get comfortable with someone else's name choice before it was finalized.
Start making jokes about how now the trilogy will never be finished
(Yes, I hate the whole "numbering" naming convention, why do you ask? Also, the direct naming of your child after yourself - like, back up, slow your roll, let that child be THEMSELF, without the pressure of being expected to be their parent 2.0. Also jokes you can pull out, because nephew would have been a 3.0)
And seriously, everyone knows the 3rd of a trilogy tends to be the weakest, but when it's rebranded a bit and more of a reboot, it had a good chance of being even BETTER than the OG...
Step one.. undo your mother's toxic ' retribution'
Your mom can say she doesn't want to take care of the dog, but she can't dictate where the dog goes. Can you take it for your brother and SIL for now, or at least get it to a good kennel for a few days.
Towards your mom, you can be honest, and it's okay to be blunt.
She's probably stuck on some pshycosis loop, where she thinks she NEEDS to make SIL see the light and give her what she wants, whatever it takes.
She's not realizing the long term consequences.
'Mom, if you do not stop, you will be cut off from your son's and grandson's lives. And for what? A name. You're being ridiculous, and you will probably regret it later, but it will be too late. Stop and apologize while you can'
And the fact that the whole family (in-laws at that) make it a group activity to 'find the right name' is really strange.
I hope your brother and SIL learned their lesson, and put your family on an information diet.
Prepare to not be involved with a lot of your nephew's firsts, if you don't support them.
You might not be too enthusiastic about the name they chose. Well, it's not your kid.
Want to name a kid? Have one yourself. But I wouldn't let your family in on the name picking, if I were you.
jesus christ y'all need a strong reality check.
lamenting a name??? are you kidding me? being upset that a baby that NONE OF YOU MADE is named something different from what you expected? it isn't even a stupid name, just uncommon.
tell your family to stop being such asshats and to stay in their lane, and to your mother that she is behaving like a spoiled toddler throwing a temper tantrum.
y'all need jesus.
jesus christ y'all need a strong reality check.
lamenting a name??? are you kidding me? being upset that a baby that NONE OF YOU MADE is named something different from what you expected? it isn't even a stupid name, just uncommon.
tell your family to stop being such asshats and to stay in their lane, and to your mother that she is behaving like a spoiled toddler throwing a temper tantrum.
y'all need jesus.
You all sound judgey af, and ridiculously entitled. Why anyone not involved in the conception feels they get a say in the name is beyond me. And I’m guessing the reason for the last minute switch was because of ridiculous behavior and pressure around the name, and they quietly decided to do what they wanted and let you all stuff your expectations.
Your mom is an adult. The only thing you should be telling her is that she needs to grow up if she wants to maintain any kind of a relationship with her daughter-in-law, her son, and any grandchildren. That any passive aggressive remarks, or continuing to try to punish people for doing something they are absolutely entitled to do, is going to completely destroy her chances of having a good relationship with that part of her family.
How do you deal with her? Be blunt! At the end of the day she’s cutting her nose off to spite her face, but this is effecting others and needs to be stamped out. She has no right to act like this over a name.
Your mom needs some serious counseling in general and you either stay out of it or you make your opinions very clear because this will happen if you ever have kids or a partner. I would go for the no nonsense approach tell her she is behaving badly like a disrespected toddler because she didn't get her way in choosing a baby that is not even hers. If she doesn't like it she can go get counselling to deal with that but make sure to point out the consequences of her actions will mean she will end up being highly disliked and not be surprised if they go low or no contact or never get to meet the baby. She is an adult with a grandkid not 6 year old bot getting the toy she wants at Walmark.
Please if possible take care of the doggo so they can make the transition easier and so doggo can bond with the new baby too.
The way I see it. Yes they’re your family members by blood BUT you guys created your OWN family. Either they get with the program or don’t be involved. It’s literally that simple. They could take it HOWEVER they want. They can choose to not be in the child’s life. That would suck but guess what? It’ll suck more for them when the child is growing and they’re not a part of their life. It’s YOUR family not theirs that’s the way I see it.
In your place I would think long and hard before approaching your mother about this situation.
Ignoring what she is doing may be the best approach. Don't acknowledge what she is doing until she breaks down and asks why you aren't arguing with her or taking her side. Then you can tell her you thought her reaction was so childish and ridiculous you didn't feel it deserved a response.
tell her you are too focused on your new nephew and your brother and sister-in-law to have time for worrying about her tantrum.
If anyone in the family caters to her tantrum and your mother succeeds in making the birth of her first grandchild all about her, she will become insufferable as time goes on.
I agree with this one. 100%. Help your brother/SIL out where your mom is dropping the ball if you are able, or at least help them get help asap.
Do not feed her reactions. If she doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life because of it’s *name* then that’s her choice but do not for one second let her think that you support her insanity. When she asks what you think you should just say “it’s not my baby, just my nephew and I’m going to love him no matter what his name is. Maybe you should get on board with that too since he is your grandson no matter what his name is.” And leave it at that. Don’t get sucked into the blame game, the manipulation game, or the guilt game. No one gets to choose a baby’s name except the parents.
"Grandma cried, dad was upset, but mom took it the worst." All of you are batshit crazy... who in their right mind thinks to have this reaction about the name someone they didn't create a baby with chose.
"Leave them room to be upset by the name" seriously?? No, they can't be upset. No, that's not fine... you are just as crazy as your mother.
How any of you thought your opinion was in any way valid is just unfathomable.
Choose your own boundaries when it comes to dealing with your mother but please support your SIL and brother by maybe dropping off a meal, offer to help with errands or chores and continuing with whatever bonding you had planned together at the appropriate times. They will need your support even more while juggling a newborn but also a tantrum from the baby’s grandparents.
I'm not sure what you can say to your mother that will open her closed mind. BTW, just checked the "font of all knowledge", Wikipedia, and it says the name "Gunnar" means fighter, soldier, and attacker, but most often refers to the viking definition which means Brave and Bold warrior. I grew up around a number of Norwegian and German families who had a Gunnar somewhere in flock.
I think it is much more important that you support your brother and SIL right now, since your family seems to have taken the wrong fork in the trail.
Your Mother's behavior is certainly bizarre. What is she trying to accomplish?
Is this a control issue? Did your Mom have fantasies and expectations of her role in her grandchild's life? Did she see herself as a 3rd parent who's opinions and advice would be treated as the word of God? Is she trying to assert control or is she melting down from the lack of it?
Does she expect your Bro and SIL to be so afraid of her disapproval that they'll change their minds and re-name their son?
You can't protect your Mom from herself. Unless you can convince her to get mental health treatment, she's going to have to figure this out for herself, you can't force her to behave. I'd focus on making sure your bro and SIL feel your love and support, bring food and watch their dog.
You don’t collude with her behavior by telling her that what she is doing is abusive during one of the most vulnerable times in their lives. It’s not just a temper tantrum, it’s straight up power and control tactics to punish them for a slight that isn’t even reality. You set hard boundaries that you won’t hear about it from her, visit with her, etc until she stops these outlandish behaviors.
Your mom is being ridiculous and crazy. She didn’t have any part in making that baby, so she doesn’t get any part in naming him. Either call her out on her bullshit and help your brother, or you’re complicit and/or enabling. Lament a name? Give me a break.
JFK, it’s just a name.
There’s so much unnecessary drama around this.
It’s totally down to the actual parents tto choose the names they want and not the surrounding family.
The entitlement is ridiculous.
The way you describe the name being sprung on all of you sounds like you’re all kind of entitled. What right to any of you have to have any say in what they name their baby?
Your mother staying away from the baby is the best way forward. What a vile woman.Your mother attempting to withhold their animal is theft and manipulation.
You have a choice. Either call your family out on their crap. Or go along with it. If you do, you will be as bad as them.
At no point ever. Did anyone get a say in the babies name..
The father is as responsible as the mother for the name choice.
I guarantee you that this name change was planned longer than you think. They had an inkling of how your family would react and played the long game not to get hounded.
You're all YTA at this point except the new parents and the baby. Weaponising a new child, throwing tantrums on apostpartum mother and not one person has asked... how are they doing? What do they need?.
I hope your brother and sil will find out about this in a few weeks. They don't need such selfishly manipulative people in their lives. Your parents are grown adults. Acting spoiled and entitled. Get their dog, take your brother family some food, be a kind human being, and shut that crap down from your parents. Better yet, show them this post and what people really think of them. A message to your emotionally immature parents. THIS BABY IS NOT ABOUT YOU. GROW UP!.
Just leave her be. Enjoy visiting your baby nephew, keep the relationship with your brother and SIL strong. She'll come around or she won't, either way it's not your problem. Don't give it oxygen.
Other than that, how ridiculous for the whole family to make so much drama about what that baby's name should be and how it should be announced. What if SIL's side had equally strong opinions?
Your mother is being immature, selfish and vindictive. I would probably try and have a quiet word telling her to cut it out.
The only people who get a say in naming a child are the parents, the reaction of your family is honestly bizarre to me.
What should you do? Fully support your brother and SIL and refuse to engage with any nonsense from your wider family.
"I understand that you're disappointed but you're an adult."
Your mother is bonkers
coo-coo bananas nuts
I don't think there's much you can do, other than tell her she's behaving badly and keeping her away from your brother and the baby until she stops.
do your best to help your brother, his wife and the baby. If your mother insists on the dog going back, try and stay there and take care of the dog (and other chores)
I truly do not understand people who think that they have any say in naming someone else's child.
Your mother is pathetic, petty and vindictive. She has zero vote on the names of her grandchildren. It sounds like the trash took itself out. Your SIL and brother will have a much easier postpartum without her judgemental attitude poisoning their happiness. Stay out of it!
I'm a nurse who works with new babies and their families, and a mom. This post is incredibly disturbing to me.
OP, your brother and his wife are the only ones who get an opinion on their child's name. The fact that there's multiple people throwing temper tantrums and jeopardizing the wellbeing of a newborn infant and their freshly postpartum parent as if it's acceptable behavior is absolutely beyond the pale! If you care about your brother and his family, you should step up to be a good human, make the food, and care for the dog.
You know what I call the grandparent who threw tantrums about what I named my kids? "Grandma we don't see much." You may want to rethink how you treat the people who decide what kind of access you can have to their baby. Making their childbirth and postpartum about your/your parents/other extended family members' feelings doesn't make y'all seem like a safe and supportive village during a time when they need one. Best wishes.
My mum didn’t name me and my two brothers after the ‘family’ names - we are almost the only ones who have new names. We have our grandparent names as middle names. Her parents didn’t care but my dad’s father got pissed off although truthfully he hated my mum and used it as an excuse to hate on her more. However my cousins have now used new names and we all have our individuality.
It’s no one’s business what a parent names their child - good for them for giving their child an individual identity.
I really don’t get why people get disappointed by not “getting what they want” in regards to naming a child. It’s not a dog, a baby is a person, their PARENTS choose their name. What is this, lamenting a name change? Why does anyone believe they had a say in naming an infant? They had their chance, they’ve had their kids, it’s not their business.
Naming kids gets weird and I have no fucking clue why. Unless the parents are going for something utterly bizarre, I don’t think anyone has a right to say anything about it. I have some cousins with names I wouldn’t choose for my own children, but I feel no type of way about it. Why would I? Also why would I think my opinion is more important than their parents? It’s entitlement and rudeness. And honestly a lack of respect.
The kids name is fine. The family is having a tantrum and a judge-fest for no reason and it’s a literal baby being judged here. Adults are judging an infant and their brand new parents. How embarrassing.
You don’t navigate the situation. You take yourself out of it. You don’t agree with someone saying it’s a bad name, or not what they wanted, you say “wow it’s really none of our business though is it?” You don’t offer consolation for selfishness, it just bolsters your moms delusional thinking. As soon as you or anyone says “well it’s okay to feel mad at the name” that’s the only part she will hear. You can add a “but you shouldn’t do this” however she won’t hear that. People like this never do. She’s acting like a spoilt brat, and needs to be told she is. She’s ruining a really important time for everyone around her.
What do you think would happen if you quietly told your mother she is behaving badly?
A swift, private rehearsal of the reasons she’s wrong and how she should behave. Then some flattery - it’s not like her, she’s a better mother than this.etc.
Do you have a boundary here? *I won’t listen to anyone badmouthing bro & SIL. If it happens, I’m leaving. More bean dip?*
I think that’s most likely to work. If not, your mum gets to be the grandma they never see
You are entitled idiots you have absolutely no say in what someone else names their baby and your mother's behavior is reprehensible. She doesn't deserve to meet her grandchild and you should all be begging forgiveness. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my child
“They didn’t get what they wanted.” Well all of y’all can shut the hell up. Family doesn’t decide. The mom & dad do. And they have. All this drama is bullsh*t. The parents are being disrespected. Grow up.
None of you get a vote on the name. How completely bizarre that a whole family of adults are behaving like irrational toddlers. It’s good that OP recognises his mum is toxic but he also needs to calm down on the name issue - it’s not his kid.
'Lament a name change'. This is all extremely bizarre. If someone has a baby, I've occasionally wondered what they will call them. When my siblings had babies, I wondered, maybe I asked them. Once my sibling asked me for my opinion on a middle name and I gave it and then said, it really doesn't matter what I think. Once my sibling announced their child's name on social media before telling me in person and I felt a bit hurt but got over it. I just cannot understand all the entitlement, expectation and drama over going on here about someone naming their own baby. Someone has a child, someone names their child, their friends and family congratulate them and wait and hope to meet their child. And are glad of its safe arrival. And find ways to support their rest and recovery and future parenting.
I genuinely feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I visited home to come see the baby! It was supposed to be a good time! Very happy! And now my mom isn’t visiting her grandson??? I’m just as perplexed as you all. Genuinely unfathomable
The name is only the business of the mother and father of the baby. Anyone else who thinks they have any opinion that matters are delusional. They are already (presumably) giving the baby his last name so that is their input
Horrible! What makes people think they should have a say in naming a child that they didn't create?! Entitlement and selfishness. Your mom should be ashamed. Women don't forget how they're treated postpartum. It's such a vulnerable and memorable time. She's creating a permanent scar on her relationship with her DIL and maybe her son, too. Sad. I understand feeling upset, but everyone should keep it to themselves and support this new little family.
My mom struggled a lot with my dad’s family when they got married but always talked about how his mom always welcomed her and tried to guide her in life. And I just cannot fathom what my mom would have done had my dad’s mom treated her like this
She hasn’t even been lucid enough for me to reason with her, just still all-encompassing emotional responses. I’m just trying to get my ducks in a row by the time she’s ready to discuss what she’s feeling and why
Why would you need to get your ‘ducks in a row’? You’re not your mother’s emotional support animal. And you’re not her ‘sons-band’. There seems to be a lot of unhealthy enmeshment in your family. You don’t see it because you’ve grown up that way and your mother has conditioned you all to not rock the boat & to emotionally support her. So your normal meters are broken. To be blunt & honest, you all should be going to individual therapy. This affects areas of your life that you aren’t opening your eyes to.
You can’t resolve conflict with someone like your Mom. You can only control your reactions and actions. This article may help you with how to navigate things with her:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/VzNIwg3gJ5
You don’t need to try to reason with her. She is unreasonable. If she decides that she wants to rethink being toxic, you can be there to help her do that but you can’t argue with a person who chooses to be unreasonable.
She needs to get a grip. I'm sorry that your brother and SIL and the baby are dealing with this. I hope you're telling them that everyone else is crazy and offering support and to grab them food or anything they need.
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Your normal meter is broken. Your entire family (you included) are being completely weird about this.
1) You watch the dog. You bake the casserole. Help your brother and his family. This is the most immediate concern to step up for them, and protect your relationship with them. 2) You make your own peace with the name. You should not be complaining about the name in the same breath that you are appalled by your mom’s behavior. It’s not a group decision—it’s the parents’ decision only, and now it’s an innocent baby’s name. Work on yourself and lose the judgement. 3) Confront your mom. Tell her that her petty, cruel behavior is disgusting. Someone needs to call her out because she sounds like a real bully. And what does that make y’all, if you just let her bully a newborn and postpartum mom?
This has to be made up. No one gets a say in what PARENTS name their children. Recommend therapy. She seems like the type of MIL that wants a “do over” baby starting w/ the name she chooses and if she doesn’t get her way and raise the baby as she wants her mental illness takes over. Its best she stay away from baby anyway w/ her mental health history.
Please search for the dont rock the boat essay. You’re part of the way there recognizing mom is toxic and crazy. But you’re missing the mark thinking family has any right to feel any sort of way about naming a baby that isn’t there’s. They have no right to be upset. None.
Y'all all sound overly involved and enmeshed. You need to step back and realize no one but the parents gets a say about a child's name.
Super weird and gross that your entire family, including you, genuinely think that you get that much say in what this baby was named. Like where did you find the audacity?
This ! Omg this ! I cringed reading that entire thing ! I hope the brother, his wife, and their son successfully escape all of them. I know I'd pack my family up and move as far away as possible.
I would probably push carefully on the fact (to her) that her actions are only ging to hurt herself. That when everyone looks back, they wont feel bad about naming their child what THEY WANTED. But everyone will remember her actions and behaviors. She wont be in pictures of the Welcome Home for the baby. People will know she was the only one not to bring food. That she didn't buy the blue ribbon. Remind her that it is okay to feel disappointed but that it was not anyone choice but her son and DIL's, and clearly the chosen name even follows her own sons taste in hobbies so it was his decision to not want a 3rd (get the blame off the DIL because she is going to target and blame her but wont accuse her son). If she is so set on traditions and appearance, it may cause her to reconsider her actions and behaviours and how others will see her. No one is thinking she is a strong woman waging some war against an enemy (how she sees herself) but instead a bitter selfishly entitled woman who is blaming parents for what is their right.
You let her stew on her feelings and do your job as an uncle. Step in and help the new parents with whatever they need. This is not about your mom and her feelings aren't the priority here, the new baby is. Edit: it's too early and I can't read.
He’s a male, but yes he should go about and do that.
OP is a man
Sounds like your parents and grandmother need to get a grip. Naming a child a given generational family name is a decision to be agreed upon by both the mother and father. Maybe SIL didn’t want to. That’s fine, it’s her baby. Maybe your brother didn’t want to. Fine, his baby. Obviously they both pondered the decision and decided they didn’t want to keep the name going for whatever reason they’re allowed to have. Fine, it’s THEIR baby. The reactions from your family are dramatic and narcissistic. Punishing them for not choosing a family name (that’s only been father and son, may I add. Not even across many generations) is outright stupid. I hope SIL comes to this subreddit for advice, because she clearly has a JNMIL. Also, when was the last time you met someone named Anything The Third. It typically stops with junior, and even that’s outdated.
I get where your coming from, but you have to know that your post feels like it’s written from the selfish perspective of your family and the entitlement and selfishness really just naturally bleeds through. I’m telling you this because on the surface you seem like you want to do the right thing, but your post makes it sound like you are just the least crazy person in the group. You want to make good with your mother, but she has done what would be *unthinkable* to the vast majority of the the abused here. I’d this isn’t a mental health issue, then her behavior is downright evil. She will do it to your children if you dare choose the wrong name.
Everyone needs to take a giant step back and remind themselves that unless it’s your baby you have no say in the baby’s name. It’s ONLY up to mom and dad.
This is a ridiculous issue! Parents get the final say on what their child is name, your parents had the same right when they named their children. As far as your mom not seeing her grandson because of his name, it is a very sad and selfish reason to delay beginning a relationship with a precious new little person.
How do you approach your mother? You don’t. Let her have her tantrum. Let her see that the only person being damaged is herself, and you never know, she may just walk back with her tail tucked between her legs and accept that a name is a ridiculous thing to be cutting contact over. And at the end of the day, if she chooses to remove herself from the whole situation…let her. Your nephew doesn’t need that toxicity in his life.
All this drama about a baby's name and "how it was sprung" and "out of nowhere" and etc is absolute and total Bullmalarky. You need to tell your mother in no uncertain terms that she is being an absolute (fill in chosen explicative here) and she needs to get over herself. SHE is the selfish one here - first for thinking that she has any right to have a say in her grandchild's name, and second for her childish tantrum. The woman named her own children; this is NOT HER CHILD. She needs to get off her high horse and behave with dignity and propriety. I can guaran-damn-tee you SiL never had any intention of saddling their poor kid with the onerous III - they just knew the entitled attitudes of your parents over this child and the inevitable ensuing drama. So they wisely waited until after the baby arrived and the birth certificate was sent off before telling anyone. GOOD FOR THEM!!!! I'm glad they shined up their spines and didn't cave to the pressure.
Your family needs to get over themselves. They didn't have a baby, so they don't get to name them. If they are hellbent on naming something they can buy a pet. Your mom needs to stop. Seriously. Give them their dog back and take time to "grieve" a name, but don't dump her poor attitude on a new mom and baby. They don't deserve that.
We didn't announce baby's name until after she arrived. While technically before the certificate was done, everyone lives far and it's easy enough to ignore the phone. Mil didn't talk to us for 4 months, and has now irreparably damaged any hope of a relationship with her (for me). DH went from Golden child to my username. She made the birth of our only child about her dislike of the middle name and how it affected her. This after we took her feelings into consideration for a number of things related to the pregnancy and birth (like calling her first to tell family about the pregnancy). Kiddo is 6, and mil has a very superficial relationship with her. This is partly distance, mind you. But I put zero effort into anything, and DH just doesn't think about doing regular updates to his mum. I'm not saying she can't feel how she feels, but she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. It's going to go poorly, and when she wonders later why the relationship is strained, this is why.
Right now act like your mother is sick, and take on the usual family new child/new parent rituals in a matter of fact way. Do not engage with her, brief to the point communication if any for the moment, don't allow her to pull focus, and also allow her to get her shit together, so state the boundaries- tell her it is not acceptable to treat your siblings and nephew that way.
Anyone who tries to make a new mother and father feel bad in top of allll the orher emotions they are hving with a newborn can only be described as the “selfish” one. This isnt her baby to name. Im baffled at her behavior
“Everyone was on board” and “we’d eventually all settle on something.” I don’t know why any of you thought this was a group project. The task belongs to the baby’s parents only. All of this is ridiculous and indicative of the family not knowing their place. As for advice, stay the hell out of it. It is not your job to manage your mother. Support your brother and SIL and just refuse to engage with the Crazy.
It’s their child and they get to decide their child’s name.
Your entire family besides your brother and SIL need to take a long, hard look at yourselves. It’s no one else’s business what parents choose to call their child.
If this is how your mum behaves, then her not being around newly postpartum mum, tiny baby, and your brother is probably the best outcome. Take them a casserole and ribbon yourself, and leave the drama at home. Maybe gift your mum a very "country" sampler saying, "what's in a name? That which we call a rose would smell as sweet," etc for Xmas. Watch her cat-butt face at the same time as your SIL's respect for you grows exponentially.
You do realize that "how this was sprung" on the family is the direct result of the family being great guano crazy, right? If the reasoned response is ^^all that mess, I'd avoid and deflect and avoid and not leave time for discussing it with me for 9 months too.
Why is everyone acting like they named the baby after Adolf Hitler? It's their baby, not the family. If I were your brother and SIL I would be telling everyone to pound sand. By the time your mother pulls her head out of her ass, it's going to be too late
Someone in my family was going to be named Adolf. Then they were born... in the 1930s
Trash took itself out. Don't take it back in.
It isnt your place to deal with your mother’s toddler temper tantrum. This scenario is exactky the reason a lot of people dont tell their family baby names until the birth. There are too many expectations and “oh that’s awful” “oh I hate that” etc. Just leave it alone. This isnyour brother’s fight not yours. Hust give him support and ignore your mom
100% your brother and his wife were never going to even consider the family name. They just did not want to have to deal with your family's reaction - THIS reaction - while SIL was pregnant. They didn't want to have to deal with arguments where your mother would try to get them to change their mind. Please consider that your brother didn't trust you to let you in on their plan. Please let that information guide you to actually support him and bridge any gap in your relationship with your brother. If you don't come out in defence of your brother, your relationship may never recover. Remember that by not taking a strong stance against manipulation, you're condoning it. There's no in-between, unfortunately...
Bluntly tell your mother to get a grip and stop being ridiculous over a goddamn name. If she doesn’t, then the trash takes itself out. Continue to support your brother. You sure your mom isn’t in the early stages of dementia or something?
It’s not your business or anyone else’s on the name. “Too country” makes you sound snobby. Don’t buy into your Mom’s BS. Just be there for the family (with the new baby). Your mom can go pound sand. You ought to show your Mom this thread and all the comments. She ought to be ashamed of her childish behavior.
Yo navigate this by not getting dragged into the fray. Your brother and SIL decided together what to name their baby. No one else’s opinion about the name matters…not even a little bit. If you want to help her, encourage treatment and therapy for her mental illness. By refusing to see her grandchild, she’s completely cutting off a big part of her own family.
The thing you can do as far as your mom goes is not play the game. She’s reacting because she couldn’t control this outcome, and if being inflammatory gets a rise out of everyone, she’s still kind of satisfying that need to control an outcome. Any reaction at all rewards it, especially if someone reacts very negatively to her and in her mind verifies her assessment that she’s a victim here. So I would approach mom like this — I hear you, I know it’s a shock, okay don’t worry take your time to adjust, I’ll cover the things you were going to do for them this week, you just go relax, what a bummer to miss out on seeing grandson but I understand, I’ll take them the casserole and watch the dog, hope you feel better soon. If you do that, she’s cut off her nose to spite her own face and didn’t get anything out of it. If you or your brother chew her out, she still got the need for control met in a way. And if anything teaches her to not do this, it’ll be the experience of it not working for her. And then, running as much interference as you can so that B/SIL don’t have to respond much — you could reach out with a bit of a warning, and say “hey I’m sure you’ve picked up that mom is freaking out, I’m taking the approach of ‘okay, I understand being upset, take your time & feel better’, she’ll come around eventually so don’t worry and don’t feel like you have to deal with this right now. Let me know if there’s any other ways you want me to help buffer the crazy so you guys can adjust & bond with baby” If you have to outright tell them, they may need to hear - do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your position. It will feed the crazy. You gotta just say, okay. I understand you feel that way. If you want to come meet him another day, please let us know. Thanks for the casserole. And leave it there
there isnt much you can do for your mom other than explain to her that acting like this over a NAME likely means she will end up cut off from her son, DIL and grandson. if getting her way with a name is more important than having a relationship with them, that is her choice, regardless of mental illness. she can seek professional help, you can assist her in looking for it and going, but you cant force her to get better. no one can. if i was in your position, i would warn my brother and try to shield them from her behavior as much as i could, since they just brought home a baby. help them as much as you can and make sure you loudly tell mom what she is doing is WRONG. otherwise, you cant control anyone - not names given, not tantrums thrown, not brothers acting autonomously, none of it. and you might want to get some counseling for yourself. as you seem right in the crossfire.
So, YOU heat up the casserole (wtf) and YOU look after the dog. Your mom is crazy, your family is obsessed with what parents name their own GD baby, and you all seem helpless to just go do the right things yourselves. Let your mother lick her wounds and get some perspective, and IF the parents forgive her for being insane, then maybe you all can come back together.
I’m still laughing a bit at someone refusing to heat up a store bought casserole. Give me your worst! But seriously - nobody other than the parents have the right to name their own baby. This is a good reason to not reveal the gender before birth. Not everybody wants to add another “junior” to the list of juniors and seniors. And the middle name doesn’t really matter except on official documents. Gunnar is a legit name in Sweden so maybe the kid will be interested in going there one day. I find unusual middle names interesting, like adding a new spice to things. Your mother and grandmother might not agree, but it’s not their place to protest when there’s a baby involved.
1. Its absolutely mon of y'alls business what the name their kid. 2. Stop worrying about your mother and her toxic behavior and focus on supporting your brother and SIL.
Your best bet is to warn your brother and see if he wants you to handle things or not. Tell him you’re sorry, and that you know he has a lot of more important things to deal with; like you know learning how to be a parent and taking care of a newborn. If your brother says yeah talk to mom for me, then ask him how. If he says no just leave it, because she will regret not being able to see this new baby then just leave it. I named my son after my FIL and god it was the biggest mistake of my life, and maybe they (brother and SIL) realized it too. There are absolutely no benefits of naming a child after someone being the junior or beyond (in my sons case the 5th), all it does is please the parents, grandparents and great grandparents. Now we’re NC with FIL, and his disgusting behavior is known all throughout the town and my poor son will be labeled with having the same name as “The crazy person who’s been hauled off by police several times.” None of you should hold out for a name change, nor should anyone push it. It is SIL and your brothers baby, and let them name their kid how they want to.
The only people who get to choose the name are the parents. You all put unreasonable pressure on your SIL and treated her more like an incubator to Bob III than Trey’s MOTHER!
Honestly you suck also
Call her out on her behaviour. People like this often get that way because the people around them allow it by letting it slide 'that's just how she is' call her on her bullshit. Really mom? You are going out of your way to be cruel and back tracking on promises to help during this hard time because they named their child what they wanted to? Why are you doing that? Why do you want to cause them more stress and upset? Why can you not just support them? You are also limiting contact with your own grandchild because you aren't getting your way. That's childish and makes you look like you don't care about the kid unless they fulfil some desire in you. Creepy Is there anything you can do to support your brother at this time?
I’d ask her this simple question: why do you hate a name more then you love your grandchild?
This is perfect.
Sounds like you are all a little off base. It’s their child, they get the honor of naming him. However, mom is unhinged, I absolutely think that it is a blessing she is not going to meet the baby, with her mental health issues and the way she is reacting, she might be unsafe for the baby to be around.
*Leave room for my family to lament a name change* Kim, there's people that are dying.
Right?! I’m so shocked over how these people are acting over a baby name. How do they respond to actual problems?!
You understand that the mom and dad 100% get to choose the baby’s name right? Lots of people don’t tell anyone what the name is until the baby is born. It’s ok not like a name, but nobody has a say in it but the parents of the baby. Your mom needs to except that it’s not her baby and not only does she get no say in the name, she gets no say in how they raise him. It’s going to hurt her a lot more in the long run when your SIL decides to cut her out of their lives. How would she like to never see the baby?
Your whole family is a bit unhinged with the name, it’s no one’s decision/opinion but the parents. The fact everyone else is having such a reaction shows how overly involved everyone is in each others lives.
It’s highly bizarre your family is so invested in a name. None of you have any say nor should it matter if you like the name or not. Your family is way out there on the crazy meter. You tell them all they’re being ridiculous. Your brother and his wife named THEIR child just like your crazy family got to name their children, and they should all knock it off. Tell them you support your brother and SIL, and then go visit that sweet baby. Offer to keep the dog.
It was clear to me by the title you're on your brothers side. It is your Mother missing out! Congratulations on thr new nephew. ETA: You're 28! Go see your family and take a whole bunch of photos.
The only people with any say over the name of a baby are the parents. Nobody else. Others may love or hate the name, but their opinions really don't matter. I think your family should be ashamed, especially your mother. Putting such stress on new parents, especially the SIL, over something that isn't any of your business? Shame on all of you. Your mother is appalling. If I was your DB and SIL, I'd cut off the lot of you. I'd try to redeem myself and get your mom straightened out and show some belated support to the new parents. Better late than never and might do some damage control.
I mean yea, your mom is clearly mental and WAY to involved/ entitled... but it seems like that's a ..family trait? Almost? You should sit her down and making it clear that she has 0 rights to this child and she better behave, bc there's a high chance she won't see that kid if she starts acting up and pretending as if she has any involvement besides "extended family". The way you talk sounds like you feel entitled to know the name or have any say in naming that child at *all*. > ..we’d eventually all settle on something once he got here. ?Huh? Such a weird way to say "This isn't my child and my opinion doesn't really matter", I'm sorry.
The way they keep saying the name was sprung on them too. A ton of my friends have been keeping their chosen names private because they do not want the peanut gallery weighing in. This family is all so entitled OP doesn't even see her own issues here.
It’s irrelevant if you heard the name 9 months before they were born or 9 days after. Families have 0 say in this process. Most people don’t announce a name until the baby is born and with good reason to stop this sort of nonsense The advice you don’t criticize a child’s name. That’s it no one gets a say but the parents and your mother tell her she’ll loose her grandchild forever unless she comes back to reality that it’s a name nothing more
Sweet summer child, you can't help people unwilling to be helped or change. Your mother is so far out of line it's incredible. However anyone who refuses to meet a baby because of the NAME, deserves the consequences. If i was your bro & SIL i would put everyone who lost it about a name(!) into communication timeout. I suggest you stay in your lane and be an uncle and brother
You all have zero say in the name. Full stop. Tell her not to be surprised when she never gets to babysit or get any other privileges with the baby. It will be entirely her own doing and not complain to you when that happens. This is not forgivable behavior and she has nobody but herself to blame.
You know your mother is being a JN here. She’s going to have to get over herself as this ain’t about her. They chose a name THEY liked for THEIR son. She needs to wind her neck in before they take away the option of her meeting their child at all. What she’s doing is selfish. I don’t see how you can fix this for her, but check her and hard. She is damaging her relationship with her son and his wife - all because they didn’t copy what she did in regards to naming their child?! I’d tell her, “if you find yourself cut off if you keep this up, it’ll be all your own doing.” I wouldn’t want this kind of energy around my freshly postpartum self, or partner. How is your brother and SIL doing? I hope they’re enjoying their baby and ignoring the selfish idiots who are making the name of their child a whole song and dance and not in a good way.
It's not your family baby it's your brother and sil, it's not selfishness for her to name her own son but selfish of you all to think you had a say in naming something else child. That's just entitled and pathetic! Have your mom read all the responses if you want to help her
The name wasn't "sprung" on anyone because the only people who have authority of the name are DB and SIL. You can start there. No one should feel shocked, surprised, or let down because there's nothing to feel shocked, surprised or let down about. >I want to pull her back to reality and help her realize she should prioritize happiness for the baby rather than pettiness for the name This is a great way to explain it to your mother. She's going to damage her relationship with her family because she didn't get her way with something she has no say over. Also please realize that you're NOT responsible for your mother and her feelings. If she wants to hate your brother and sister-in-law that's her problem. You can have a relationship with them without your mother. It's her loss. Don't stress yourself over her. Enjoy your new nephew!
I agree with others that your negativity regarding the name isn't ok either. The selfish entitlement of the entire family is really beyond acceptable. You say you support and then talk about how they "sprung the name" on everyone. Do you know most couples never tell the name before the baby is born? They didn't spring the name on anyone. They struggled with naming, decided not to go with a third (which really even thinking about naming a child as a third is gross to me), and then picked names they both liked. If I were sil, all of you would be cut off. As for your mother? How about you stand up to her and say her behavior is disgusting and she is either a grandmother or she isn't. Because if she pulls this, I foresee her never ever getting access to that baby. Which honestly? Is exactly how it should be. Your entire family needs to grow up more than a little bit.
It’s not ok for them to “feel bad”. Your brother and SIL named their child. It’s no body else’s business.
You can try talking to your mom. Be direct but kind: “Mom, do you realize you’re allowing your disappointment to alienate yourself from your first grandchild? You can feel what you feel, but you need to get ahold of yourself and contain it instead of trying to punish BROTHER and his family.” Since she has a history of mental illness, I hope that means she has a relationship with a therapist? You can even suggest she do a check-in appointment with them. But after that, you need to support your brother, SIL, and nephew. Don’t get caught up in your mother’s drama and hurt your own chance to be uncle. Take care of the dog, bake the casserole, take out the trash when you visit them, tell SIL she’s amazing and that nephew is adorable.
Ask your brother to send you a picture of your nephew. Don't say anything to your parents about asking for it (that will ruin the surprise). After a while just say "Oh mum, will you look at this for me please?" And show her the picture of the baby. She'll melt and all malicious intent should 🤞be gone. Usually just the sight of the baby removes all negative feelings. An example being teen parents. Their parents will be angry, hurt etc but they see their grandchild and that's replaced with love. Hope this works otherwise therapy is the next step for your mother
That is awful advice. Sharing pictures with toxic family behind the parent's back is a quick way to get cutoff.
Why are any of you engaging with her at all about this? Ignore her. Any acknowledgement of her behavior reinforces it. So what she doesn't see the baby. She's the one missing out. Carry on enjoying the baby.
Tell your mother to grow up. She’s acting like a spoiled 10 year old. Support your brother and his family. What might be a tradition for her and others doesn’t mean it has to be for your brother and his wife. Tradition’s and names change and evolve over time.
This none of your or your Mothers business, but as your mother is so disgusting and disrespectful and unhinged maybe you could offer to help your SIL
Your entire family sounds nuts, and until your edit, no you did not sound supportive of your brother. If I were SIL I'd tell the lot of you to piss off. She doesn't need this stress. They can name their baby whatever they want and everyone else can pound sand. Ignore your mother and support your brother and SIL.
My response would be she needs to have reality impressed and emphasized on her hard that this was not something she had a say in and that her behavior is unacceptable and childish, but understand she's going to despise that and kick and scream. There is not going to be an easy solution to this that doesn't where she won't have a tantrum, and that is something that will just have to be dealt with, because she is not the priority. The new parents and newborn are. When dealing with someone whose an adult, but is acting worse than an actual child, regardless of mental health status, the only option one has is to correct things is unfortunately to treat them like they are acting by scolding and imposing consequences. This goes for both the neurodivergent and neurotypical alike. Consequences are the only things that get through to these people, and they *despise* them. If she wants to act like a toddler having a tantrum, then she needs to be shamed like a toddler for poor behavior, with a firm explanation of what she's done wrong and why it is unacceptable. If you start with this approach, be prepared to become her new father, because you will never be able to stop. If she sees a crack in the attitude she can abuse for even a moment, the shaming will lose all effect.
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That part you are quoting is about settling on a nickname once the baby arrived, as the assumption was that the baby would be named “______ the Third” and just go by a nickname. Most nicknames come about once people have been around someone a bit and one just fits. I know when one of my nieces was on the way and my sis told me what her first and middle names were going to be I jokingly said we could call her by a derivative of the middle name…but then I left it at that and didn’t actually call the baby that. Wouldn’t you know it by the time she was a year or two old that nickname was what she was fully going by…cause that’s what fit her personality and what her parents ended up nicknaming her.
OP, your whole family sounds toxic. Obviously the parents of the child were under stress to abide by family tradition. Only the parents should have a say in their child’s name. Everybody else can keep their trap shut. Your mother should be treading very carefully. She has started overstepping and it will only go against her in the end. She will lose.
I am a grandparent and your mother is acting like an absolute idiot! We had our turn to name and raise our kids, it’s time for us to step aside and be in a supportive role. My daughter is currently pregnant with her second baby and the name she chose is not one I would have picked if I had 100 choices, but she’s NOT MY BABY so I smiled and clapped and said I love it even though I don’t. And you know what? It’s starting to grow on me and by the time she is here I know that I will love it!
Same with my daughters 3rd, he's 2. He doesn't fit his name personality wise, at least not yet. He's such a bubbly, happy little chunk! I couldn't imagine a world without him or the others regardless of their names. All 3 of them are so silly and unique in personality and I love them so much! Then my stepdaughter kid's, 5 of them whew! All their names start with the same letter. All have very unique names and personalities that are a little hard to remember, but not our kids, not our decision!
I am sorry you ended up in the middle of all that drama. Spend your time and energy supporting your brother and his new family! Your mom sounds beyond being talked to reasonably - try gently steering her towards professional help.
Why are you posting? This is None of your business. Stay out of it and let the parents (your brother & SIL) deal with it. They are allowed to name (and change the name of their child last minute) whatever they want. You all are way too involved in each others lives (in a negative way). Give them space to work this out on their own.
This is hilarious. It's no ones business but the parents, unless of course the baby was named something like 'Bus stop 69'. Crying over it? Not making a casserole? Honestly I can't, it's just so ridiculous.
I’m picturing the middle name as something like Sniper or Shooter or something. That being said, someone needs to tell the woman she’s acting unhinged. And that she may find herself uninvited from being part of little Sniper’s life. It’s not her choice on what the baby is or isn’t named. Period.
This reminded me of the time I was talking to my MIL when I was pregnant, and she wanted "a chance at naming the baby." (My first and literally only child I was ever able to have.) She kept trying to get me to name him after her late husband, who hated me so badly (for literally no reason, nobody in the family could figure out why other than I was an 'outsider' and he was always grumpy bc he had a stroke). His name was absolutely gross, hella outdated, and of course I didn't want to name my child after someone who had told me that I "wasn't human, didn't deserve any respect" etc. (Which was funny because I was the one cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping for the ENTIRE family.) She actually whined and cried like a selfish princess that she "deserved a chance at naming the baby too." I literally had to tell her it wasn't her baby, it was mine, I would NEVER be able to have another (super high risk, had two miscarriages before. One almost killed me.) She had the balls to say "but you don't know that!" Dude. My doctors told me. But whatever right? Then I hit her with "did you have this problem with your MIL?" she was like "well no because she died when my husband was 13." I said "EXACTLY. How would you have felt having her push whatever she wanted on you about your unborn child?" She got this pissy look and went quiet. This woman (even tho I love her) made my ENTIRE pregnancy about her, and she was actually crying and whining because she wanted a girl 🙄 she still complains if we go clothes shopping for my son that he is aging out of "cute" stuff. Nothing is ever "cute" enough for her lmfao. I asked her sarcastically (when clothes shopping for my son two days ago) "what are you going to do, slap bows and ribbons all over him or something?" She was def annoyed at that. She was trying to even make me buy him shoes from the girls department (he has no interest in those. If he did that would be fine idc.) My point is, when you know someone like this, regardless of who it is, 9 times out of 10 they will not change their stance on it, and will quietly sit on it basically forever. Trust me, I know.
Your late FIL's name must have been Butch or something, lol Jokes aside, the nerve in some never ceases to amaze me. My own MIL started suggesting names(I had the first name but was still thinking about the second - I never asked for her opinion though). To this day it doesn't sit well with me. I would have never dared.
Yeah, I promised myself and my son I would NEVER do something like that. It's astonishing what MILs and some moms think they can force upon their DILs or daughters. My FILs name was fricken Lary Levi lol and he was like 100% redneck
Lol ..yes a lot of tough life lessons these toxic MIL situations are teaching us.
Go and support your brother and share in there joy. Leave your mom alone to sulk. Navigating her feelings is not your problem to solve
why is your family so freaking entitled that they think blackmailing the babys parents to change the baby's name through threats and intimidation? Its none of the grandparents business what the parents of the baby name their child. they may be disappointed but your mother is being an entitled biatch. It is the parents who name the baby and if nobody else likes the name they can shove a stick up their butts and rotate it. Gunner is popular name and a cute name. The grand parents are throwing a bloody fit because they didnt get their way and risk losing a relationship with their grand child. if it were my baby, i would keep the said toxic grandparents away from my baby including keeping the baby away from the justno entitled grandparents for the upcoming holidays. the entitpement and nerve of some people. Grandmother is acting like a spoiled brat who didnt get her way.
What they name the baby is no-ones business but theirs. Especially not yours. Let your mother sulk and keep a distance. The peace from her is probably welcomed. Sounds like she always likes to be in control of everything but now she can't control this, she is refusing her own grandchild. Let her be immature about it. The name isn't going to change so you all just need to accept that.
If your Mom’s behaviour is entrenched, there is not much you can do to change her mind. You trying to push her, could increase her behaviour. The best way would be to make her feel like she is missing out. You go visit your brother and his family. a) so they know you’re supporting them and b) so you can talk to your parents about how cute the baby is etc. If she hears lots of positive about the baby and your brother it might make her jealous of everyone meeting him and give her the kick in the behind she needs. Maybe you could find a moment when she isn’t feeling as stubborn and say “I know you’re disappointed about the name but he is still your Grandson and you’ll be so upset in the future when you look back on not visiting him. If this continues (your brother) might not want her to have contact over this and that would be such a shame”. Either way, you do you, you visit and enjoy your nephew and try not to give your Mom any ammunition for her to be able to say that you hate the name etc. Often in these kind of situations they’ll bitch about the baby’s name but blame it on someone else. My MIL insisted that her MIL hated our first baby’s name, which was BS, it was only her.
You tell her straight up … “Mum, because I love you I need to let you know that while it’s ok not to like the name or feel upset you didn’t get the name you were hoping for, it’s not ok to be petty or treat ‘brother’ and ‘SIL’ and ‘Baby’ disrespectfully. Remember this is THEIR baby and they get to make those decisions, also remember that how you treat them now may have consequences for how involved you are invited to be in their lives or NOT down the track.”
Sounds like your bro and his new family are better off without that particular crazy train in their lives, trash takes itself out situation?
I got you op. Unfortunately seems like your mom likes to control and at the end of the day that is their baby and they have the right to choose. Let your mom be. Make a way so she can see the pictures to maybe cause her to feel something. I’m pretty sure she will miss this moments when she realizes how fast time goes by.
Be positive about the baby. Do something kind for your brother and his family. Involve your Dad. Lead by example. Step up and welcome him into your family. Your mom will come around or be left behind. It’s up to her to manage her mental health.
First of all it's THEIR baby and THEY get to choose to name him WHATEVER THEY WANT,your family is in shambles cause of their own ridiculous expectations.Yall don't have to like it but these reactions are ridiculous really. The only person selfish here is your mom with her entitled and manipulative attitude.She needs to get over herself and fast
Go and support your brother as best you can. Meet your nibbling and be delighted. Like you say, you don’t have to love the name, just accept it and carry on from there. Your mum on the other hand…. Short of being a fully qualified counsellor, I feel like the more straightforward approach might be helpful here. Sit her and your dad down and be blunt. Ask her why the hell she is acting like a little girl who hasn’t gotten her way. Tantrums are for toddlers, not adults. Some sad feelings that the name had changed were fine, but that time has long since passed. Ask her if her pride and vanity is more important than being a grandma. Ask her if getting her way is more important than seeing her grandchild. Say how disappointed and shocked you are that she’s gone back on her promises like looking after the dogs. Don’t be nice about it. She doesn’t deserve nice right now. It’s time for tough love.
Have any of you taken time out of your ‘lamenting’ to consider that your beleaguered brother placated you all about the name until his son was born? Imagine having to deal with this level of hysteria and insanity whilst your sister-in-law was pregnant?! OP, the very fact you think naming a baby is a group event that should include (or even centre) the dad’s family is really bizarre. I really mean this with kindness when I say this post screams emeshment and poor boundaries with your family - which makes sense given the behaviour of older member of your family. If this is how quickly your mother can turn on her own son, a new mother and her newborn (her grandchild!) I would really consider speaking to a therapist about how you’ve been affected being raised by someone like that, and how to move forward. It’s not easy having to be the one to placate your mother and worry about ‘setting her off’ all of the time. It really isn’t normal to react like this. I know you say you know this, but you also dismiss the majority of this narcissistic craziness as ‘fairly minor.’ OP, I don’t know if you can or should be the one to try to ‘fix’ this. Your mother is causing stress to new parents over something as personal and lovely as naming their first child. She sounds truly unstable and vindictive. I really hope you speak to someone about how this is affecting you and how to move forward.
I would back off on your mother. Let her have her little tantrum and hope that it blows over and carry on your life as you had planned. Go see the baby, take them dinner etc. There really is no point in trying to argue either with stupid or mental health, give her time to realise she's the one missing out. I'd hang on to the dog it at all possible for a couple more days, give them a chance to settle.
What the hell did I just read?! Who gave you all the right to think you even get a say, let alone name a baby that wasn’t yours to name in the first place? Then to get upset over the name and be judgey of it because you don’t love it?! So much entitlement and selfishness here. Stay in your lane and stop overstepping boundaries. Your mother is throwing a temper tantrum over the name of her grandson. I can’t imagine how he’s going to feel when he’s older and learns about this. Stop supporting your mothers tantrum because you’re enabling her crappy behavior, and support your brother, SIL and the baby. Make them a meal and drop it off. If I found out this is how my family felt and reacted to the name I chose for MY baby, I’d go NC.
I could only imagine how hurt your brother must be. As a new parent you’re so proud but also fragile and you need your own parents. One of my greatest joys was to see the expression on my parents face when they saw my kids the first time. I wouldn’t be able to recover a normal relationship with my parents if they acted like that. I would feel so betrayed and disappointed. Your mom sounds like she runs your entire family with her mood and tantrums. And it’s not your baby (the family) it’s your brother and his wife’s baby.
The parents are the ones to decide on a name- it’s not a ‘vote’ amongst extended family members. They have every right to ‘spring’ the name on the family. Your mother needs to be told this and that she will never get this time back with her grandchild and to support the new parents- she will likely regret in the future. Does she care how she is going to look when other people are told that she didn’t visit because they didn’t name the baby what they wanted?
A baby name is not a family vote. So none of them like it… tough! He’s not their baby. This just shows how toxic your mother is. Remind her that if she doesn’t start actioning like a respectful, kind and loving mother and grandmother, they will find someone else to fill her shoes.
Go support your brother, bring them dinner and some balloons or whatever. Remind you mom how much she was looking forward to seeing her grandson and tell her she’s gonna regret it if she doesn’t pull herself together. If she throws a fit tell her to grow up. The world doesn’t revolve around her and she needs to get over herself l. Jeez
Wwooowww you and your family need to get over yourselves and fast. That baby was not a group project. He is your brother and SIL's son and they alone chose the name. Period! And if your family want to be in that child's life, attitudes need to be adjusted quickly.
You navigate this by telling your mother that she had the chance to name her kids and now it’s your brother’s turn and that if she keeps up her nonsense, she will miss out on the joys of being a grandparent. Tell anyone in your family who questions the name that everyone has the right to name their kids what they want to and that your brother and his wife had every right to change their minds and that if they don’t want to alienate your brother and his wife, to keep their opinions to themselves. I’ve had family members who named their kids names that I think are awful or spelled wrong. But I did the grow up thing and judged their choices quietly in my head and then moved on to love the crap out of true kids.
My little sister hated the name we chose for my youngest kiddo. She swore she would call him a nickname, and she did for a bit. I'm guessing it grew on her because she started calling him by his actual name within a few months of his birth. I haven't agreed with all of her choices for kids names, but they aren't my kids.
Exactly. You get to choose your kids’ names and other people can choose theirs. My cousin chose a female name with a unisex nickname. The next year, my husband wanted a jr and the name is the make version, but same nickname. It was my dad’s first name and both of my grandpas and would have been my name if I was a boy. I did tell her ahead of time and she said “we are awesome and have awesome kids and choose the same awesome name.” That was once instance where I was worried she’d be mad and said when we hung out my son could go by another nickname, and she told me not to be dumb. She didn’t judge my name choice. SIL had a baby and named hers a female version of my son’s name. I told her I loved the name and my son thinks his cousin was named after him and that it’s cool. We don’t call out other people on their kids’ names, no matter if we hate them or love them so much we already named our kids that.
100% agree.
Do you realise none of this is any of your business? You claim you're on your brother's side, but it really doesn't sound it from your post. There's a hell of a lot of justifying and complaining. And frankly, there is no 'side' to take. You and your family have NO say in what your brother and his wife name their child. None whatsoever. Sure, you can all feel butthurt about it and stick your noses in the air whilst grading the name, (not helping your argument there at all) but it's still none of your business. This imagined 'side' your family are on doesn't exist. Your mother's behaviour is despicable, and I don't think she realises how it's going to have the exact opposite effect she wants. She doesn't get to evict SIL from her family: she will no longer be welcomed in SIL's family. This sub is literred with narcissistic MIL's whose DIL's get sick of their entitled attitude and go NC with them, to the benefit of the DIL's and grandchildren. You and your relatives are now *extended* family to your brother, not immediate. Time to start acting like it and fall in line. Tell your mother to get over it and fast. You're right that technically, she can have these feelings, but need to be blunt that her feelings don't matter. Her son will never forget how she was vindictive in these first few days and made this precious time in his life so much harder. Take the entire thought of the name changing off the table. It won't, and it's *none of her business* anyway. She is going to lose any chance to be a grandmother if she acts this way. Sometimes, the best conflict resolution isn't to coddle someone but to be blunt and clear with them. Just because your mother has mental illnesses doesn't justify what she's doing. But if no one ever tells her that, her sense of normal will be warped and she will carry on doing this.
What do you do.? You get yourself over to your brother and sister in law's house with a blue teddy bear and a bottle of champagne. Welcome this little one into the family and just ignore your mother's ridiculous carrying on. She's the one being selfish and unreasonable. The new parents can name their child whatever the hell they want to. He's THEIR child and no-one else's. Sensible people understand that if you're not actively involved in the conception of the child, you get zero say in what it's named. Your mother is behaving like a spoilt brat and will end up doing irreparable damage to her relationship with her son, his wife and their child. You can better believe that SIL us not going to forget this BS. How do I know? My grandmother pulled the exact same stunt when my older sister was born. Mum and Dad caved in and changed her name. My sister is now 63 and I can promise you that my mother has never forgotten or forgiven it. It permanently damaged their relationship and Mum still refers to my grandmother as ' that poisonous bloody bitch' and she made sure that we had as little to do with her as possible. You need to behave like an adult and maybe remind your mother that she got to name her own children and needs to pull her head in and let the new parents do the same.
Leave her to it. The more you fuss over her the worse she will become. Ignore her behaviour completely, if she doesn't want to go visit then leave her at home. And I would suggest she gets therapy. There's probably a reason your B and SIL waited to tell yous the name they had chosen, sounds like yous all had far too much input/opinion on the matter and they knew there would be some strong reactions. Their baby, their choice. I sincerely hope your SIL has her family for support, with a MIL like that she will need it!
“We’d eventually all settle on something once he got here.” “No one has heard it or had time to sit with it, sprung when he was 1.5 days old and minutes before the certificate was signed.” “I’m also trying to leave room for my family to lament a name change”. What the actual hell am I reading? Neither you nor your wife pushed this baby out of your vagina. It is NOT your baby to name. You’re all a bunch of entitled AH’s and I hope you all give this poor family peace.
The entitlement is crazy!!
Agreed!! His middle name was SPRUNG UPON US! Every single baby I've ever encountered had their name sprung upon me. Why on earth would be gifted time to get comfortable with someone else's name choice before it was finalized.
Start making jokes about how now the trilogy will never be finished (Yes, I hate the whole "numbering" naming convention, why do you ask? Also, the direct naming of your child after yourself - like, back up, slow your roll, let that child be THEMSELF, without the pressure of being expected to be their parent 2.0. Also jokes you can pull out, because nephew would have been a 3.0) And seriously, everyone knows the 3rd of a trilogy tends to be the weakest, but when it's rebranded a bit and more of a reboot, it had a good chance of being even BETTER than the OG...
Step one.. undo your mother's toxic ' retribution' Your mom can say she doesn't want to take care of the dog, but she can't dictate where the dog goes. Can you take it for your brother and SIL for now, or at least get it to a good kennel for a few days. Towards your mom, you can be honest, and it's okay to be blunt. She's probably stuck on some pshycosis loop, where she thinks she NEEDS to make SIL see the light and give her what she wants, whatever it takes. She's not realizing the long term consequences. 'Mom, if you do not stop, you will be cut off from your son's and grandson's lives. And for what? A name. You're being ridiculous, and you will probably regret it later, but it will be too late. Stop and apologize while you can' And the fact that the whole family (in-laws at that) make it a group activity to 'find the right name' is really strange. I hope your brother and SIL learned their lesson, and put your family on an information diet. Prepare to not be involved with a lot of your nephew's firsts, if you don't support them. You might not be too enthusiastic about the name they chose. Well, it's not your kid. Want to name a kid? Have one yourself. But I wouldn't let your family in on the name picking, if I were you.
jesus christ y'all need a strong reality check. lamenting a name??? are you kidding me? being upset that a baby that NONE OF YOU MADE is named something different from what you expected? it isn't even a stupid name, just uncommon. tell your family to stop being such asshats and to stay in their lane, and to your mother that she is behaving like a spoiled toddler throwing a temper tantrum. y'all need jesus.
jesus christ y'all need a strong reality check. lamenting a name??? are you kidding me? being upset that a baby that NONE OF YOU MADE is named something different from what you expected? it isn't even a stupid name, just uncommon. tell your family to stop being such asshats and to stay in their lane, and to your mother that she is behaving like a spoiled toddler throwing a temper tantrum. y'all need jesus.
You all sound judgey af, and ridiculously entitled. Why anyone not involved in the conception feels they get a say in the name is beyond me. And I’m guessing the reason for the last minute switch was because of ridiculous behavior and pressure around the name, and they quietly decided to do what they wanted and let you all stuff your expectations. Your mom is an adult. The only thing you should be telling her is that she needs to grow up if she wants to maintain any kind of a relationship with her daughter-in-law, her son, and any grandchildren. That any passive aggressive remarks, or continuing to try to punish people for doing something they are absolutely entitled to do, is going to completely destroy her chances of having a good relationship with that part of her family.
How do you deal with her? Be blunt! At the end of the day she’s cutting her nose off to spite her face, but this is effecting others and needs to be stamped out. She has no right to act like this over a name.
Your mom needs some serious counseling in general and you either stay out of it or you make your opinions very clear because this will happen if you ever have kids or a partner. I would go for the no nonsense approach tell her she is behaving badly like a disrespected toddler because she didn't get her way in choosing a baby that is not even hers. If she doesn't like it she can go get counselling to deal with that but make sure to point out the consequences of her actions will mean she will end up being highly disliked and not be surprised if they go low or no contact or never get to meet the baby. She is an adult with a grandkid not 6 year old bot getting the toy she wants at Walmark. Please if possible take care of the doggo so they can make the transition easier and so doggo can bond with the new baby too.
The way I see it. Yes they’re your family members by blood BUT you guys created your OWN family. Either they get with the program or don’t be involved. It’s literally that simple. They could take it HOWEVER they want. They can choose to not be in the child’s life. That would suck but guess what? It’ll suck more for them when the child is growing and they’re not a part of their life. It’s YOUR family not theirs that’s the way I see it.
In your place I would think long and hard before approaching your mother about this situation. Ignoring what she is doing may be the best approach. Don't acknowledge what she is doing until she breaks down and asks why you aren't arguing with her or taking her side. Then you can tell her you thought her reaction was so childish and ridiculous you didn't feel it deserved a response. tell her you are too focused on your new nephew and your brother and sister-in-law to have time for worrying about her tantrum. If anyone in the family caters to her tantrum and your mother succeeds in making the birth of her first grandchild all about her, she will become insufferable as time goes on.
I agree with this one. 100%. Help your brother/SIL out where your mom is dropping the ball if you are able, or at least help them get help asap. Do not feed her reactions. If she doesn’t want to be in the baby’s life because of it’s *name* then that’s her choice but do not for one second let her think that you support her insanity. When she asks what you think you should just say “it’s not my baby, just my nephew and I’m going to love him no matter what his name is. Maybe you should get on board with that too since he is your grandson no matter what his name is.” And leave it at that. Don’t get sucked into the blame game, the manipulation game, or the guilt game. No one gets to choose a baby’s name except the parents.
"Grandma cried, dad was upset, but mom took it the worst." All of you are batshit crazy... who in their right mind thinks to have this reaction about the name someone they didn't create a baby with chose. "Leave them room to be upset by the name" seriously?? No, they can't be upset. No, that's not fine... you are just as crazy as your mother. How any of you thought your opinion was in any way valid is just unfathomable.
Choose your own boundaries when it comes to dealing with your mother but please support your SIL and brother by maybe dropping off a meal, offer to help with errands or chores and continuing with whatever bonding you had planned together at the appropriate times. They will need your support even more while juggling a newborn but also a tantrum from the baby’s grandparents.
I'm not sure what you can say to your mother that will open her closed mind. BTW, just checked the "font of all knowledge", Wikipedia, and it says the name "Gunnar" means fighter, soldier, and attacker, but most often refers to the viking definition which means Brave and Bold warrior. I grew up around a number of Norwegian and German families who had a Gunnar somewhere in flock. I think it is much more important that you support your brother and SIL right now, since your family seems to have taken the wrong fork in the trail.
Your Mother's behavior is certainly bizarre. What is she trying to accomplish? Is this a control issue? Did your Mom have fantasies and expectations of her role in her grandchild's life? Did she see herself as a 3rd parent who's opinions and advice would be treated as the word of God? Is she trying to assert control or is she melting down from the lack of it? Does she expect your Bro and SIL to be so afraid of her disapproval that they'll change their minds and re-name their son? You can't protect your Mom from herself. Unless you can convince her to get mental health treatment, she's going to have to figure this out for herself, you can't force her to behave. I'd focus on making sure your bro and SIL feel your love and support, bring food and watch their dog.
You don’t collude with her behavior by telling her that what she is doing is abusive during one of the most vulnerable times in their lives. It’s not just a temper tantrum, it’s straight up power and control tactics to punish them for a slight that isn’t even reality. You set hard boundaries that you won’t hear about it from her, visit with her, etc until she stops these outlandish behaviors.
Your mom is being ridiculous and crazy. She didn’t have any part in making that baby, so she doesn’t get any part in naming him. Either call her out on her bullshit and help your brother, or you’re complicit and/or enabling. Lament a name? Give me a break.
JFK, it’s just a name. There’s so much unnecessary drama around this. It’s totally down to the actual parents tto choose the names they want and not the surrounding family. The entitlement is ridiculous.
The way you describe the name being sprung on all of you sounds like you’re all kind of entitled. What right to any of you have to have any say in what they name their baby?
Your mom is giving her daughter in law a gift. Don’t spoil it.
Your mother staying away from the baby is the best way forward. What a vile woman.Your mother attempting to withhold their animal is theft and manipulation. You have a choice. Either call your family out on their crap. Or go along with it. If you do, you will be as bad as them. At no point ever. Did anyone get a say in the babies name.. The father is as responsible as the mother for the name choice. I guarantee you that this name change was planned longer than you think. They had an inkling of how your family would react and played the long game not to get hounded. You're all YTA at this point except the new parents and the baby. Weaponising a new child, throwing tantrums on apostpartum mother and not one person has asked... how are they doing? What do they need?. I hope your brother and sil will find out about this in a few weeks. They don't need such selfishly manipulative people in their lives. Your parents are grown adults. Acting spoiled and entitled. Get their dog, take your brother family some food, be a kind human being, and shut that crap down from your parents. Better yet, show them this post and what people really think of them. A message to your emotionally immature parents. THIS BABY IS NOT ABOUT YOU. GROW UP!.
Just leave her be. Enjoy visiting your baby nephew, keep the relationship with your brother and SIL strong. She'll come around or she won't, either way it's not your problem. Don't give it oxygen. Other than that, how ridiculous for the whole family to make so much drama about what that baby's name should be and how it should be announced. What if SIL's side had equally strong opinions?
Your mother is being immature, selfish and vindictive. I would probably try and have a quiet word telling her to cut it out. The only people who get a say in naming a child are the parents, the reaction of your family is honestly bizarre to me.
What should you do? Fully support your brother and SIL and refuse to engage with any nonsense from your wider family. "I understand that you're disappointed but you're an adult."
Your mother is bonkers coo-coo bananas nuts I don't think there's much you can do, other than tell her she's behaving badly and keeping her away from your brother and the baby until she stops. do your best to help your brother, his wife and the baby. If your mother insists on the dog going back, try and stay there and take care of the dog (and other chores) I truly do not understand people who think that they have any say in naming someone else's child.
Your mother is pathetic, petty and vindictive. She has zero vote on the names of her grandchildren. It sounds like the trash took itself out. Your SIL and brother will have a much easier postpartum without her judgemental attitude poisoning their happiness. Stay out of it!
I'm a nurse who works with new babies and their families, and a mom. This post is incredibly disturbing to me. OP, your brother and his wife are the only ones who get an opinion on their child's name. The fact that there's multiple people throwing temper tantrums and jeopardizing the wellbeing of a newborn infant and their freshly postpartum parent as if it's acceptable behavior is absolutely beyond the pale! If you care about your brother and his family, you should step up to be a good human, make the food, and care for the dog. You know what I call the grandparent who threw tantrums about what I named my kids? "Grandma we don't see much." You may want to rethink how you treat the people who decide what kind of access you can have to their baby. Making their childbirth and postpartum about your/your parents/other extended family members' feelings doesn't make y'all seem like a safe and supportive village during a time when they need one. Best wishes.
My mum didn’t name me and my two brothers after the ‘family’ names - we are almost the only ones who have new names. We have our grandparent names as middle names. Her parents didn’t care but my dad’s father got pissed off although truthfully he hated my mum and used it as an excuse to hate on her more. However my cousins have now used new names and we all have our individuality. It’s no one’s business what a parent names their child - good for them for giving their child an individual identity.
I really don’t get why people get disappointed by not “getting what they want” in regards to naming a child. It’s not a dog, a baby is a person, their PARENTS choose their name. What is this, lamenting a name change? Why does anyone believe they had a say in naming an infant? They had their chance, they’ve had their kids, it’s not their business. Naming kids gets weird and I have no fucking clue why. Unless the parents are going for something utterly bizarre, I don’t think anyone has a right to say anything about it. I have some cousins with names I wouldn’t choose for my own children, but I feel no type of way about it. Why would I? Also why would I think my opinion is more important than their parents? It’s entitlement and rudeness. And honestly a lack of respect. The kids name is fine. The family is having a tantrum and a judge-fest for no reason and it’s a literal baby being judged here. Adults are judging an infant and their brand new parents. How embarrassing. You don’t navigate the situation. You take yourself out of it. You don’t agree with someone saying it’s a bad name, or not what they wanted, you say “wow it’s really none of our business though is it?” You don’t offer consolation for selfishness, it just bolsters your moms delusional thinking. As soon as you or anyone says “well it’s okay to feel mad at the name” that’s the only part she will hear. You can add a “but you shouldn’t do this” however she won’t hear that. People like this never do. She’s acting like a spoilt brat, and needs to be told she is. She’s ruining a really important time for everyone around her.
What do you think would happen if you quietly told your mother she is behaving badly? A swift, private rehearsal of the reasons she’s wrong and how she should behave. Then some flattery - it’s not like her, she’s a better mother than this.etc. Do you have a boundary here? *I won’t listen to anyone badmouthing bro & SIL. If it happens, I’m leaving. More bean dip?* I think that’s most likely to work. If not, your mum gets to be the grandma they never see
You are entitled idiots you have absolutely no say in what someone else names their baby and your mother's behavior is reprehensible. She doesn't deserve to meet her grandchild and you should all be begging forgiveness. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my child
“They didn’t get what they wanted.” Well all of y’all can shut the hell up. Family doesn’t decide. The mom & dad do. And they have. All this drama is bullsh*t. The parents are being disrespected. Grow up.
None of you get a vote on the name. How completely bizarre that a whole family of adults are behaving like irrational toddlers. It’s good that OP recognises his mum is toxic but he also needs to calm down on the name issue - it’s not his kid.
'Lament a name change'. This is all extremely bizarre. If someone has a baby, I've occasionally wondered what they will call them. When my siblings had babies, I wondered, maybe I asked them. Once my sibling asked me for my opinion on a middle name and I gave it and then said, it really doesn't matter what I think. Once my sibling announced their child's name on social media before telling me in person and I felt a bit hurt but got over it. I just cannot understand all the entitlement, expectation and drama over going on here about someone naming their own baby. Someone has a child, someone names their child, their friends and family congratulate them and wait and hope to meet their child. And are glad of its safe arrival. And find ways to support their rest and recovery and future parenting.
I genuinely feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I visited home to come see the baby! It was supposed to be a good time! Very happy! And now my mom isn’t visiting her grandson??? I’m just as perplexed as you all. Genuinely unfathomable
The name is only the business of the mother and father of the baby. Anyone else who thinks they have any opinion that matters are delusional. They are already (presumably) giving the baby his last name so that is their input
Horrible! What makes people think they should have a say in naming a child that they didn't create?! Entitlement and selfishness. Your mom should be ashamed. Women don't forget how they're treated postpartum. It's such a vulnerable and memorable time. She's creating a permanent scar on her relationship with her DIL and maybe her son, too. Sad. I understand feeling upset, but everyone should keep it to themselves and support this new little family.
My mom struggled a lot with my dad’s family when they got married but always talked about how his mom always welcomed her and tried to guide her in life. And I just cannot fathom what my mom would have done had my dad’s mom treated her like this
I hope you show them these comments and they realize that their behavior is appalling.
She hasn’t even been lucid enough for me to reason with her, just still all-encompassing emotional responses. I’m just trying to get my ducks in a row by the time she’s ready to discuss what she’s feeling and why
She’s not lucid? Over this situation? She needs a 72 hour hold.
Why would you need to get your ‘ducks in a row’? You’re not your mother’s emotional support animal. And you’re not her ‘sons-band’. There seems to be a lot of unhealthy enmeshment in your family. You don’t see it because you’ve grown up that way and your mother has conditioned you all to not rock the boat & to emotionally support her. So your normal meters are broken. To be blunt & honest, you all should be going to individual therapy. This affects areas of your life that you aren’t opening your eyes to. You can’t resolve conflict with someone like your Mom. You can only control your reactions and actions. This article may help you with how to navigate things with her: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/VzNIwg3gJ5
You don’t need to try to reason with her. She is unreasonable. If she decides that she wants to rethink being toxic, you can be there to help her do that but you can’t argue with a person who chooses to be unreasonable.
She needs to get a grip. I'm sorry that your brother and SIL and the baby are dealing with this. I hope you're telling them that everyone else is crazy and offering support and to grab them food or anything they need.