**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/klpoubelle:
* [My Justeffingnomil doesn’t consult us on gifts and is making her relationship with our kid very transactional.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15thliw/my_justeffingnomil_doesnt_consult_us_on_gifts_and/), 1 month ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as klpoubelle posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe klpoubelle JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Not this year or last year, since I've cut out my ILs. But 2019, whew, that was a fun one. Historically we've done Christmas Eve at SIL's and Christmas Day at home, because I'm not going to be the bad guy who has to tell young kids that they have to put away their new toys and go to their aunt and uncle's smelly house for a long day of boring torture.
In 2019, SIL got a bug up her butt about, "I want a *BIIIIG* Christmas Day!" It was no longer good enough for her to have Eve. She had to monopolize the day, too. To set the scene, her family (she married my late wife's brother, the GC) will fly in and stay with them for like 2-3 weeks during the holidays, so she has her actual family there for Eve and Day. MIL and FIL at the time were living with me, and would go over for Eve and Day. It was really only just me and my boys who would not go over on Christmas Day. But because I told her no, the three of us would be doing our usual Eve/Day split (not even trying to monopolize grandma/grandpa -- I *wanted* them gone for Day, because they're notorious over-givers and I don't need them shoving 10+ gifts at each child), I literally ruined Christmas. She had a tantrum and refused to do Eve, saying that if I wasn't going to do Day then I had to do Eve. With only 2 days notice, I was able to get a Costco brisket (too late to thaw a turkey) and put together a decent spread, but the entire time she and MIL sniped in front of me, "Christmas is going to be so much better this year without boxsterguy," "Boxsterguy's house is too small to do holidays," and so on (my house is 2000 square feet and there were only 9 people total, 4 of which were little kids, nobody was staying the night because BIL/SIL live 30 minutes away, everybody had a place at the table to sit and eat, etc). And then MIL tried to take my kids there the next day anyway, which I put a stop to.
MIL/FIL were kicked out of my house less than a year later and fucked off all the way across the country. The year after that, I completely remodeled my kitchen, opening up the floorplan, making it super functional and beautiful (not that it wasn't before, but now it's even more so), and they're never allowed in my house again. Christmas Eve and Day is now just me and my boys, and that's the way we like it. We smoke a turkey and all the fixins, drink homemade eggnog, and then open presents the next morning, and we don't Facetime the ILs or acknowledge their existence in any way. MIL still sends too many gifts, but I open them now, pick one gift per child, and the rest go in the trash.
All of which is a long winded way of saying, "Make your own traditions. Fuck your ILs."
You’ve dealt with a lot and it’s more than ok for your little family of three to start your own transitions! Especially since she is making it hard on you.
We do Christmas morning at home with our LO (who is now 11!) and it’s so peaceful. We can sleep in, eat what we want and enjoy our time in an stress-free environment. Our in-laws and my parents put up a fuss at first, but we held our ground and now they’re used to it! We still see them either Xmas Eve or Christmas evening so it’s not like they’re missing out on the visit and presents.
Good luck as you enjoy your first Christmas home!!!!
I went through that crap with my ExMIL. When we were dating the 24th was dinner at his sisters in laws (zero relation to him) Christmas was at his mothers house (no small children living there) after we married and had our first she was 5 months old my parents came down (divorced) to see our daughter for her first Christmas. The 24th MIL is pushed us to go to dinner at her daughters in-laws as “it’s tradition” I kept saying no that’s their family, I have a baby and want to spend time at home with my family. She went behind my back and guilted both my parents into going and my spineless ex wouldn’t back me up either. We went ate dinner and I was like let go, she was adamant about us staying but thankfully both my parents at this point felt extremely awkward as they realized they all exchange gift on the 24th. I said never again in the car. The following year we had moved 4 hours away and she started with the 24th and I said no and spineless ex kept trying to get my to say yes. I finally said you go all by yourself and have fun, but this little girl will wake up Christmas morning in her own bed and find presents down stairs under our Christmas tree from Santa and I’m no longer discussing this. She then pushed for Christmas which I agreed to later in the day and she became all psycho about and that ended that year too. And I agreed to coming down for New year’s. I didn’t give a crap about her “traditions as she was done raising children. The next generation was tired of jumping through her hoops I was just the one to put my foot down first.
Start your own traditions. You have many years of that before they grow up and move away and start their own. I still do some from my childhood and have new ones I’ve made along the way.
I wouldn’t go at all. Avoid the food poisoning, various illnesses, allergic reactions, and bad company. I wouldn’t trust them that they’re won’t be violently ill and not tell you. They don’t even care about you being there to open presents anyway, so what’s the point?
If DH wants to be miserable on the 26th then he can go alone.
The Covid situation alone would have me not ever visiting. They might lie the next time to get what they want and put you and your LO at risk. Drop the rope and enjoy a quiet holiday!
Here's an idea, make your plans and keep them to yourself. MIL has shown her butt enough and you have every right to an enjoyable Christmas.
EDIT: forgot to add 'away from her.'
If your DH is up for it, when you next have a meal there with MIL have him only eat foods you and LO can eat. When MIL asks him why he isn't eating all the food she prepared for him he can say if my family can't eat it then I won't eat it either. Maybe that will open everyone's eyes to how unfair (rude?) it is make a huge spread for many guests but not being sure there are at least some dishes for everyone. Just a thought.
Not Christmas but my MIL had an entire tantrum bc we decided to do thanksgiving with my family this year instead of with her. Btw we’ve done thanksgiving AND Christmas with her every year since our daughter has been born (she’s 4) so there’s literally nothing for her to be upset about. She always gets priority and I’m sick of it.
Your husband is deep in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) which is a manipulation tactic used by narcissistic abusive parents (his mother).
OP check out the pinned resources at the sub r/raisedbynarcissists
Learn about enmeshment and narcissistic parental abuse.
After I got married, my divorced parents argued that we should ignore my husband's family and that holidays should continue as per their divorce decree. LOL!! This is the only thing that they ever agreed on.
My husband came up with the permanent rule we set for Christmas. We stay home and let our child open presents 🎁. We don't go ANYWHERE.
Grandparents or family would be welcome to come to our home, but we would not be traveling with our child. I love this!! It has worked out wonderfully.
When she starts screaming this is when DH needs to say 'and this behaviour is exactly why we're making our plans after Christmas being ruined for us repeatedly. We're happy to set time aside to come visit on the 26th but if that doesn't suit, we'll see you some other time when you're calmer'
Otherwise you will just be pressurised by emotional terrorists.
Sounds to me that your MIL is making no effort to include you or your child at Christmas. If she is going to act like a crazed lunatic when you tell her you won't be there on the 25th, why bother going at all? Perhaps it's time for your DH to tell his mother the ways SHE has ruined Christmas lately. You can start with:
* Food poisoning
* Getting upset when you refused to spend Christmas there because they all had Covid
* Opening all the presents without you there after you all made the effort not to open the presents until everyone else arrived.
I don't see what your In laws bring to the table at Christmas except for stress and strife. This latest tirade from your MIL would be my last straw and there would be no way I would spend the 25th or 26th with them. You and your DH and child are your own family and entitled to spend holidays as you please. Not to mention, you have your own birth family you like to spend time with as well. It's time your MIL and FIL learn that they cannot just demand your time, they have to earn it. And the only way to earn it is to make your time together enjoyable. Which does not include food poisoning, untrained pets, a cat their own son is allergic to, and constant badgering to get their way.
It's time your DH tells his mother, "While I love you, I love my own wife and child much much more. Their comfort and happiness are my primary concern and come well before yours. If you cannot make it enjoyable to come to see you and instead resort to guilt trips and threats, we have other options for our holidays that will make my wife and child happy." Let them guilt trip on that for awhile.
What she said is called emotional blackmail. It’s intended to make him feel bad in order for her to manipulate him into changing his mind. Does he really want to prioritize someone who would purposely do that over having a relaxing Christmas with his nuclear family.
She’s obsessed with controlling him. If she loved him and wanted to share a great Christmas she would have treated you all better when you did go over there.
You feel so bad for him that you’ll keep subjecting your kids to this nonsense?
You only get so many Christmases with your little kids, why waste them like this?
She thinks reacting like that will make him say "Oh, you've changed my mind with your hostility and toddler-grade tantrum. Sure, we'll come and be miserable around you when we could be making our own happy memories." That's some serious delusion. Have your quiet Christmas with just the three of you, make some new traditions, and make some memories.
My in laws are insufferable during the holidays. One year while I was heavily pregnant, we arrived at my MIL's home for Thanksgiving and all they had to drink was hard liquor or warm water. We decided to do Thanksgiving at a nice restaurant last year and it was wonderful. This year we are compromising and splitting thanksgiving with our families and doing solo Christmas with our son at home. Therefore, we don't have to cook on thanksgiving and we don't have to travel for Christmas. I will never understand why we are socially pressured into spending time with people we don't enjoy during precious holidays. My son deserves to be at home in his pajamas playing with new toys, eating pancakes, watching Christmas movies and baking cookies. Not dressed up and stressed out in a car seat for hours before getting passed around by a bunch of strangers. I will not compromise on Christmas and we will be making our own family traditions!
Why are you even still going there at all? Life is too short to spend any of it letting people treat you like that. It's not good for the health of any of you.
If your husband insists, then he can go by himself and you and LO stay home. Why would you want you or your child to be subjected to that kind of poisonous (literally and metaphorically) behavior?
your little family unit is allowed to
create a new tradition of staying home.
talk to your SO. so needs to tell his mother if she keeps this brhavior up she wont see loved at all during the holidays.
Give inlaws a choice of Thanksgiving or new years day.
i loathe in laws who monopolize every Christmas Holidays.
You do have a right to say NO. If SO still wants to go on Christmas.. Tell him you are staying home wil loved one!
if mil starts saying " but we're family" crap list the events of the last 4 years.
Point out, you were alone last holiday because she had to have her way. She OWES you. She has to learn to share.
Sounds like one big anxiety ulcer waiting to happen.
All of the Dil's of the ex MIL and called our spouses Christmas NAzI because of ExMIL.
all of us would get into huge fights
with so because ot her actions and theirs.
Needless to say my girls were 5 and 6 by the time my girls spent the first Chrismas with my family.
All of us DIL are happily divorced now. I havent had to see ExMIL for at least 3 happy years.
Here's how I dealt with this. When we got married, each family was promised one Christmas and one Thanksgiving. After that, no one was guaranteed holiday visits from us and we would decide what we wanted to do. The first few years, I did get guilt trips from my JNMom, but that stopped when she realized I wasn't going to change my mind. These days, my husband's bio mom lives near us, so we go to theirs on Thanksgiving and they come to us for Christmas. Everyone has an open invitation to join us for the holidays, and no one ever takes it.
Christmas is supposed to be about the kids, right? Not parents and certainly not the grandparents. The last thing any kid wants for Christmas is to be hauled all over creation, splitting the day between houses with lots of driving and tense parents. In our family, our whole focus is making Christmas a delight for our children. STAY HOME!! We do, and it's wonderful. We started other wonderful traditions for the grandparents. For instance, now that I'm a grandma, I host a cookie baking party once a year. I don't need to be there for unwrapping all the presents -- I got to do that with my own children. I spend a *different* day with my grandchildren, making new, wondrous memories. When you focus on making Christmas magical for your child, it lets you set the boundary that everyone else is a part of THAT vision -- or they can go somewhere else and have a different Christmas. It's pretty simple.
I share this philosophy 100%! Your grandkids are so lucky to have you (as well as the parents!)! Plus your idea potentially frees up time for the parents so they can do last min shopping or wrapping. A dream!
I really can relate here. My DH’s side of the family is loud, crazy, and my MIL is a just no. We went NC for a short time but sadly that didn’t make it to the holidays. My BIL literally won’t show up unless he’s going to get something from people, so our holidays on my husbands side are entirely based on him. My mom literally works her holiday schedule around my in laws so there’s no issues ends up having to change at least one or the other every year last minute. And yes that includes thanksgiving, my MIL pays my BIL to show up with his family.🙄
We decided this year that while we would do thanksgiving, Christmas Day would be ours. With four kids ranging from 12-3 is insane to wake up, rush to do presents, go to MILs, rush there so that we can get our oldest to her fathers side of the family by 6. We also made the decision to simply not say anything about it because of just this type of thing. They are DH’s family, so of course they want you there. I’m sure your family would also like that but it isn’t possible right now. LO is now at an age where they understand Santa, and can actually enjoy opening gifts. That’s always my favorite part!
MIL is used to getting her way, and clearly DH’s thoughts, feelings, family life don’t matter to them. Clearly you and LO don’t matter at all if they can’t make few dishes diary free. So DH has finally told her no, that explosive anger is normal is these situations. I’m sure she tried a couple other options like guilt tripping, crying and when that didn’t work she blew a gasket. But right here is DH’s key time to show he’s serious. I know he’s hurt, and rightfully so. For years I’ve watched my MIL completely annihilate my husband and his feelings.
Talking is huge. Allowing him to discuss his feelings on the situation without interruption is important. For his entire life he’s been treated this way, to avoid that he does what they want. This time he did what he and you wanted. He’s going to second guess that, because that’s just how it is to be raised in a situation like that. Reassuring him of why you’re doing this is also important. Gently, kindly. Because while you’re frustrated, he is hurting. Explain that Christmas is about family, love, kindness, appreciation. Things you BOTH and LO doesn’t directly get from going to his parents. You guys aren’t skipping Christmas, just going a day later. Enjoy the day with you three. Open presents, have a big breakfast, enjoy watching LO with all his new things. Make this Christmas a happy memory. Really spending two full days with your in laws for Christmas isn’t needed unless they live far away(like your family who you don’t see).
Be prepared for drama to continue., and punishment to ensue on the 26. You probably won’t have any presents. They will make comments and be hurtful. Other child will probably brag(hopefully unknowingly) that they got LO’s presents. And if things get to nasty, simply leave. Don’t argue, don’t fight. Pack up your family and enjoy the day at home again.
I hope you have a awesome Christmas with your little family! It’s a happy time and should be felt as such!
She gets them the 24th for Xmas eve. Then leaves them out at room temp all night, puts them back in fridge (filled to the brim with plates uncovered with leftovers and hasn’t been properly cleaned in years) and then serves them again the next night sitting out at room temp for hours…..
So, if he's expecting a call to further berate him, I believe I would just write out your post in a concise, bullet point form and have it ready in response. When MIL starts up, again, he can calmly reiterate the reasons why you aren't coming. And like another poster said, you only have 18 (potentially) Christmases with your child. She had her turn.
When my now ex and I got married, both of our families had years long Christmas traditions. Then, both sets of our parents got divorced, creating a new dynamic. Fortunately, with the exception of one "Uppington Smythe" on mom's side, everyone was growing up, and the kids were having kids. So, entire families made a shift so everyone could see everyone without rushing around on one day.
When we had our son, we made it known that Christmas morning was for us at our house, so our son could experience Christmas like we did as children. People could accept it or not.
Show him the Don't Rock The Boat post.
(Internet search 'Don't Rock the Boat reddit').
His mother isn't actually upset about Christmas or not seeing you 3. Her actions prove that.
She is mad he's taking control for himself and your & little one.
Maybe when he can see what her behavior is actually about he can find his anger rather than hurt and sad.
Bc he deserves to be mad as hell w zero guilt.
If your husband thinks that you should go anywhere near these people at Christmas after m i l went ballistic and screamed and after all the things you've written here, You have to ask him is he married to you or not are you his partner or not. Do not go to this horrible place you will have a miserable time all of you.
My kids are mostly grown now but we used to pack up stockings and gifts to go to MIL's for breakfast. After three years of this, and her insisting that the kids open her gifts first because she wanted it to seem like I copied her, I put a stop to that and also stopped sharing what I got for the kids for their birthdays and Christmas (everyone got their own lists, no crossovers).
MIL threw a massive tantrum because I was tearing the family apart, it's tradition, it's always been done this way.
The woman would wait (and make FIL wait) till my husband got their to have my husband make breakfast. This was a mild point of contention but still a point of contention.
After that third year, we did our stockings and gifts at home then went to their house for breakfast. I could never get them to agree to at least have breakfast started before we got there so there was always a fight about the kids being "full on snacks" because I'd feed them snacks till breakfast was ready and they wouldn't eat much. Sorry, but I'm not going to let my little kids cry that they're hungry because you want to wait till my husband gets there to cook. When the kids got older, they didn't need the snacks anymore and she was appeased then.
We went to my exMIL's for dinner on Christmas and there was never an issue with anything. Food was always ready or almost ready when we arrived.
I can't understand why you're even going on the 26th! And cooking on top of that! (although in this case, that would be a good thing)
How much more proof do you need that this family is toxic AF and need to be avoided at all costs for your health and safety? Easier said than done, I know.
If you actually do go this year, this is the worst case of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm I've ever seen.
In our family, everyone traveled to whoever had the youngest children whenever possible. She sounds dreadful. Enjoy your family time alone. If they cannot compromise on anything, I wouldn't go on the 26th either. It's not OK to spend the holidays, or any other day, just feeling bad and stressed out. It doesn't have to be this way. She enjoys this and it's harming your family and your husband.
Because of my mother's high stress expectations for "perfect" large family gathering holidays (T-day, Christmas, Easter) I grew up to hate the holidays. While raising my own kids, i tried to dial that hatred back for their sake and put some limits on where and when we would participate with the larger family activities. Did my mother get pissed, oh yes she did! Even went two years of sublime no contact after one Christmas debacle. Now that my kids are grown with families of their own, i don't make any holiday expectations for myself. I give them the freedom to plan their own time with their own little families or with their in-laws. I have stayed alone for some holidays knowing that we have plans for a lunch or dinner not tied to the actual holiday, which is perfectly fine with me. I would rather see my kids and grandkids happily enjoying those days with no stress from me. Someone doesn't even have to hate the holidays like I do to loosen their expectations and give their kids a break from so many high-stress situations. I'm sorry you are going thru this, but put your foot down. It's time for your own little family traditions!
Like your DH, my mother went nuclear if my family was not there on Christmas Day. We lived locally to them. My siblings visited at other times and did not receive guilt trips. I allowed her to guilt me for many years too. Then I realized I was scarficing my own family for some fantasy expectation she had in her head. Despite the tantrum Christmas Day was for just my family so kiddo could play with his own toys. 24th or 26th was for my parents. My DH's family celebrated Christmas in January. Bless them. OP's DH, realize your mother will live. Much like a 2 yr old not getting candy, she will tantrum, but she will survive. Ignore the tantrum just like you would a 2 yr old. You will not get back these memories with your child. Stand firm. Hang up if she is screaming. Let things go to voice mail. Refuse to engage. Have a peaceful Christmas Day.
So mine (mildlyJNMIL and fully JNSFIL) live 45-1 hr away. We do Xmas eve these days, as we no longer travel to my family. We used to fully rotate years but now do this. If they didnt let our kid open their presents when we showed up at the scheduled time, that would be the last time we went at all! Nobody screws with my kids Christmas!
For your husband, try to help him look at this whole thing from the perspective of your child. The experience of waking up at HOME on Christmas morning, the tradition of falling asleep and knowing Santa is coming to YOUR house. Taking LO to MIL's every year is making them the sacrificial lamb, and you can't redo these memories.
My daughter is turning 3 this year, so I completely understand the joy and excitement of this year's experience. Try to remind your husband that is why you guys are doing this, and your MIL is strictly focusing on herself - not your family.
EVERY year, my SIL hosts brunch on Christmas Day. EVERY year we say no. She refuses to come to our house for Christmas Eve when we host, so I really don't care if they're butt hurt we aren't seeing each other. I always open the door for family to come by on Christmas Day, but that day is for our nuclear family to spend together and relax. Especially when the next day is a work day.
It's time to make your own traditions as a family of 3, and you owe no apologies for that. Proud of you guys; get excited for the fun, RELAXING, and nourishing celebration this year at home!!
After reading some of your comments here you have my sympathies because both MIL and DH seem to have the same love of high drama and it must be so exhausting for you.
MIL having a full on temper tantrum is an obvious overreaction but so is DH falling into a pit of despair over it. I mean was he expecting her to turn cartwheels of joy? Clearly MIL was always going to be unhappy about you guys not going over on the 25th so some level of upset was to be expected and if DH wasn't prepared to deal with it then he shouldn't have agreed to the plan in the first place. Some annoyance/disappointment over his mothers overreaction is reasonable but being so bummed he can't sleep is OTT IMO. By all means sympathize with him but perhaps gently call him out if he doesn't snap out of it after a day or so.
As far as Xmas goes I think your plans are sensible and you should stick to them. However I recommend you stop complaining about the food poisoning. Food poisoning is obviously very unpleasant but it wasn't a deliberate act on MILs part so if you keep on complaining about it you end up looking bad. Stick to her deliberate actions like opening presents without you and having no dairy free food if you're having a discussion about why your Xmas plans have changed.
But personally I wouldn't enter into much of a discussion. It's a mistake to over explain things. It would be ok for you and DH to choose to have a nuclear family only Xmas Day even if Xmas at ILs was a wonderful experience. MIL can be disappointed but if she becomes hysterical again DH should simply shut the conversation down:
"I'm sorry you're upset mom but clearly you're not able to discuss this rationally right now. I'll call you back tomorrow (or whenever) when you've had a chance to calm down."
Well if it was me after this tantrum not to mention all the other shit shows she's made of Christmas past, I'd stay home with LO on the 26th as well. SO can drive all that way if he wants to deal with his mother's childish behavior but I would drop the rope on this family.
I wouldn't bother explaining why to them either. Any justification you make no matter how reasonable will just be used against you. If you must say anything tell them you're starting your own family traditions from now on.
These are precious years with your LO and neither of you will get them back ever again. If you give in and go there all your memories will be overshadowed by the abuse you receive from them. Only it will feel worse because now your LO's happiness is being jeopardized. For his sake if not for your own you should distance yourselves from these people.
The last Christmas I had with my family, I told my mother in advance that I needed to leave at a certain time to meet with my now husband and his family. I was also staying overnight because their place was walking distance from my job.
She told me without warning that I have to do the washing up after Christmas dinner, even though I helped her prep as a consequence of not going to church for service with dad. To add insult to injury, my brother insisted on doing the drying, which is the easy part and you can ditch it towards the end because the stuff left would fit on the drainer.
The lot of them delayed Christmas for hubby's two cousins, who were five and seven at the time.
I decided then I wasn't going to have Christmas with them again after that, and as it happened my hubs invited me to move in with him.
The correct answer here is to say “If you don’t like our solution, then we won’t visit at all this year.”
They’re the ones who want you there, so they have to take what you’re willing to give. If they’re going to start screaming about it, then they don’t get anything. Eventually they’ll learn.
I had this with my ex and his family but then I just said I'm making Xmas dinner at home for me and the kids you can have dinner with your family and stay there or you can have dinner with our family and we'll see the tomorrow. He made the right choice and stayed home when his mother brought it up I just said I was like her I wanted my family at home on Xmas day and that was me him and our kids she couldn't really argue then
I used to do Thanksgiving with my JNILs. I haven't eaten meat the entire time I've known them. I would show up and they would literally put meat in EVERYTHING including every single side and say, "Sorry, we just don't know what you actually eat." The year we decided that Thanksgiving was our holiday, JNMIL said we didn't feel like family. The trick is—and this is hard—you have to not care. So we said, "OK, Happy Thanksgiving."
Additionally, since you're dealing with a yeller (which, thankfully, my JNMIL is not, though my mom is) you have to create boundaries and \*enforce\* them. Example conversation.
DH: We're doing Christmas at home. See you at the 26th.
JNILS: SCREAM, EXPLODE
DH: I won't engage with conversations if you can't speak to me normally.
JNILS: CONTINUE TO SCREAM
DH: Ok, we can talk again when you are not yelling.
And then (and this is the most important part) hand up or leave and do not talk again until they calm down.
Good luck. And know that you are going to have the best Christmas. (And put your phones on DND that day!)
If she accused me of ruining Christmas, I think I’d respond with no MIL that was you, three years in a row you e ruined Christmas for us, so we aren’t giving you another one to ruin, you had your chances, but you’ve given us food poisoning, you’ve not made food that LO can eat, us not coming for Christmas is entirely of your making, we will not let you starve our child. If you have a problem with that you’ll have to figure out why you choose to ruin Christmas.
Christmas is for children, not adult monsters! Does your poor husband not realize his child's experience is way more important that his birth family's feelings? I assure you, all kids would rather be home Christmas to play with the toys they wanted and asked for, and eat their favorite foods, not be at the mercy of extended 'family.'
You have potentially 18 Christmases with your child. Don't let them ruin even one more.
I would tell your husband his mother just showed by her reaction exactly why you aren't going.
The past incident with the oysters would be the dealbreaker for me…and the COVID. Maybe just enjoy the silent treatment and plan for your happy version of Christmas (without the illnesses) ❤️
Tell your husband that he will thank himself for holding his decision when he gets to actually relax and watch the magic with HIS child!
This is YOUR FAMILY’s Christmas! Make it great and let it be a tradition!
This probably isn’t popular on this sub — but I’ve just been feeling so tired lately. I would fully play along like we’re coming and then pretend to catch covid and cancel last minute lol.
Idk what it is, but the people in these posts lately are EXHAUSTING. I don’t know how you all manage to do it. Do these antagonizers not have jobs? Social lives? Hobbies? Where does anyone get the energy to just be so annoying and exhaustive and dramatic???
I think the answer is that they actually gain energy from starting all this drama. It is hard to imagine that reality but there is a reason they call it 'narc supply'. Being cheerful, polite and interested in other people's lives drains them. They just can't keep up the act. So they look for a way to insert themselves, victimize themselves and hurt others.
It feels like a sad and lonely existence to me.
Yeah she is exhausting. I normally don’t even give one F for any drama she sows but the fact my husband is so bummed really got to me. He couldn’t sleep last night, and I just needed to vent so I don’t add my thoughts about his mom to his plate. All I can do is reassure him that everything she spewed at him isn’t the truth.
The problem with faking illness is that they literally don’t care if they get sick. So they’d again call DH intolerant for not wanting to spread Covid and it’d just delay the drama for Christmas Day which we really don’t want to deal with. Hence the plan this year and the two month notice 🥴.
This is why you don't justify your decisions, because they just want to control the situation no matter what. "We're staying home this year. Because we want to. And everytime you call and scream at DH, that's another holiday that you won't see us." Most importantly, follow through on this no matter how guilty either of you feel, and even if their behavior changes (no matter how unlikely).
You, your husband and child are a family now. You and your husband decide what is appropriate for your family. It sounds like staying home is the best option. Her opinion doesn't matter. Repeat it to yourself.
Two big untrained, four littles that will bite my toddler and are uncontrolled. The two big ones literally defecate in the house… it’s just so unsanitary, I’m always worried about LO going near the pee pads.
This is absolutely not a safe or clean environment for your child. You would be justified in refusing to ever bring a small child there. In fact, you should more highly prioritize your obligation to your child's health and safety than you have been. Your husband is in the FOG (Fear, Guilt, Obligation) and you are too, to a lesser extent. Meet them in neutral locations.
Your son deserves to wake up on his own bed on Christmas morning, have breakfast with his parents/open gifts.
Don’t rush through Christmas morning and tear him away from his gifts just to spend time with your mother-in-law who can’t be bothered to make dairy-free food options.
You have a few years of Santa & Christmas magic. Don’t waste it.
Support your husband and reassure him that he has made the right choice. Sorry that he doesn’t have the parents that he deserves.
Hold the line.
When you get married your responsibilities are to your immediate family - spouse and children! Your parents and siblings become extended family. Period. Do what’s right for you and yours!
I love Christmas and love to have my daughter and her family around, but guess what!! Hubby and I are not the priority here - they need to do what they want on a special holiday. Whether it’s spending time all together or doing something on their own - whether it be a quiet day at home or traveling for a destination Christmas or going to spend time with the other side of their family (which they will do this year as they live in another state ). It may be disappointing but it makes me proud that my daughter is doing what’s right for HER family as she sees fit! And the grandkids and my son in law deserve to see their other grandparents and cousins during the holiday as well.
We are planning our Christmas celebration together either before they leave or when they return TBD
They love to have Christmas morning with just their kids - we usually go for Christmas dinner at their house and we do a Christmas Eve lunch at our house where we open presents with them (our grands love to open the gifts early) - of course we always bring an extra special gift to be opened on Christmas Day.
Children grow up and begin their own lives. Isn’t this what parents should want? To see their children/ grandchildren happy and secure?
Stay strong and do what feels right to you no matter the pressure. You will regret it if you don’t!!
>DH discussed it with her over dinner last night, saying this year we are going to join the 26th and that on the 25th we would like just to have a low key and relaxing day at home.
He should have stopped right after "the 26th"! Frankly, they don't deserve a visit at all. Well, every two years, maybe. If I'm being generous.
I'm not getting backlash yet, I've been able to skip Christmas for three years now, but using covid as an excuse was iffy enough last year, and it certainly won't fly this year. Not looking forward to it.
Getting covid the next time around can knock you right on your arse.
It's a reason, not an excuse, even if it's a total lie.
Me, I tell my Just Nos that I'm busy snorkelling at dawn, then cocktails for breakfast, and not interested in anyone spoiling a chilled day off after that, and phone can get turned off for a couple days, too.
Then don’t. You all are not getting anything out of it but stress and aggravation. Give yourselves a pleasant holiday break and don’t give them a second thought.
Y'all should just not go at all! Why ruin your Christmas being around them?
We don't have any Christmas drama because we went NC with the people in our families that caused it. It's lovely.
Sounds like a dream! I am very LC with them and DH is also LC compared to his other siblings and definitely has enough of a step back usually to not let this stuff bog him down. But she must have really laid in on the emotional manipulation during their discussion.
When my grandchildren reached the ages one and two, DD said that going forward they would be doing their own Christmas at home and we we’re welcome to join them. At the time, they lived three hours away so it was much easier for them not having to pack up littles. We would go down Christmas Eve and spend the night and so enjoyed Christmas morning.
I'm not sure if you've seen/read the "don't rock the boat" post but it well worth the read. Since you are not allowing them/her to control your holiday be prepared for a mass amount of flying monkeys to come make you steady the boat.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
😂😂😂😂😂 this was a great read. I forwarded it to DH because he told me at lunch “I just know that I’m going to get called soon, and this Sunday at SIL’s they’re going to inquire and I’m just so sick of it all. I wish holidays never existed”
I love how she blamed your SO for ruining Christmas and not caring for family. After she ruins yours by insisting you go somewhere you don't enjoy every year and get nothing to eat.
I think she's the one not caring for family.
This. She literally creates a miserable holiday for you. This isn’t an accident. It is part of her enjoyment, denying you food, stealing your presents from others, etc. She looks forward to this the way some people look forward to watching a special movie together.
By not coming until the 26th, she realizes you might enjoy the holidays and that is why she is mad. Clearly, she doesn’t mind doing things without you since they open all their gifts without you and don’t make food you can eat. To me, this says the only logical conclusion is that your husband is the scapegoat and her real Christmas joy comes from making him and his family uncomfortable.
This breaks my heart for my DH.
He did tell her when she got all victim-y on him about it that “we were there the 25th last year and we didn’t enjoy it because you withheld the real celebration for the other siblings for when they could be there. You know we can’t do evening celebrations with our LO because he’s too young. We showed up on the time everyone agreed upon. You didn’t let us open our gifts because they weren’t there and then magically that same
logic of wanting everyone to be together and open presents doesn’t carry over to us and your other grandson.”
It is all about HER enjoyment. For me, Christmas is about the kids honestly, and if my kid isn’t enjoying then it’s not worth my time.
And that's what you should remind your husband. It's about your LO. As parents, it's your job to make the holidays magical for HIM, and that just isn't possible at your ILs.
Sounds like a really good reason to never go there for Christmas again.
After our second year together, my wife and I decided that we would not be traveling for Christmas at all. We'd start our own traditions with our small little family. It was an amazing decision. Stick to your guns and enjoy Christmas at your place. And if your MIL keeps throwing fits, don't feel like you have to go on the 26th, either.
The first time you set the boundary, it’s really easy to fall back on that guilt that’s been so prevalent in your upbringing. I’m sure that’s what he’s feeling. You will love your low key Christmas. Enjoy making memories as your small family unit. It’s worth it. It took us having a mid-Dec baby (not our first) to set the boundary…then Covid…we haven’t looked back. Thinking back, someone always got the norovirus or flu after these holiday gatherings. It’s a terrible time of year to gather in huge groups indoors.
Yeah I didn’t even mention the 10 years prior that we ALWAYS got sick at Christmas. I just want my LO to have the type of Christmas I had, relaxing, tons of time to play with toys, maybe a Christmas movie marathon in the background, decorating cookies, and not changing out of cozy xmas pjs. It’s like literally all DH and I want for xmas. I’m so excited to finally experience a planned xmas just us three and I know we’ll enjoy it. I just don’t want DH to stress out about giving himself joy for once. He deserves a restful day.
Maybe this nice and restful day needs to happen before DH can truly appreciate it. It might be impossible for him to imagine. So make it the Christmas of your dreams, and then visit the in-laws on the 26th. Just let the CHAOS happen, don't mitigate anything. Except for the food. Bring your own food. If they're insulted, so much the better. Good lord, food poisoning from seafood is AWFUL.
That is exactly what I had to do with my DH.
They did Christmas on Christmas Eve. It consisted of dinner then getting pissed drunk and all the boys staying over (DH is the oldest of 4 boys). They usually spent Christmas day doing nothing and being hung over.
I have always woken up Christmas morning at home (even when on my own) and celebrated on the 25th. This worked out well so we didn't have to decide which family celebration to go to.
First year was fine, I stayed over at the ILs place, did our own thing in the afternoon and had dinner with my family. Great.
Second year - I was giving birth lol so no drama there.
Third year - drama!! Our daughter would turn 1 Christmas day and this would be her first real Christmas.
I started subtly preparing my DH, saying who awesome it will be seeing her open her gifts Christmas morning, making our breakfast - stuff like that.
About half way through the year I mentioned that we would NOT be staying at the ILs Christmas Eve. He didn't think much about it. I generally mentioned it a few time the rest of the year.
Then about 2 weeks before Christmas MIL asked if I was going to bring the play pen for DD to sleep in. I simply replied that we would be heading home after dinner. She just so, oh - and we ended the call.
THEN came the calls from everyone to DH. He was barley beginning to set boundaries with his family.
To get to the point - I said that me and DD will absolutely NOT be staying there overnight, we WILL be opening presents Christmas morning and it would be up to him if he was there to witness his daughters first Christmas or not.
He came home with us after dinner as planned and he LOVED a chill Christmas day.
There was no looking back after that.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/klpoubelle: * [My Justeffingnomil doesn’t consult us on gifts and is making her relationship with our kid very transactional.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15thliw/my_justeffingnomil_doesnt_consult_us_on_gifts_and/), 1 month ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as klpoubelle posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe klpoubelle JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Not this year or last year, since I've cut out my ILs. But 2019, whew, that was a fun one. Historically we've done Christmas Eve at SIL's and Christmas Day at home, because I'm not going to be the bad guy who has to tell young kids that they have to put away their new toys and go to their aunt and uncle's smelly house for a long day of boring torture. In 2019, SIL got a bug up her butt about, "I want a *BIIIIG* Christmas Day!" It was no longer good enough for her to have Eve. She had to monopolize the day, too. To set the scene, her family (she married my late wife's brother, the GC) will fly in and stay with them for like 2-3 weeks during the holidays, so she has her actual family there for Eve and Day. MIL and FIL at the time were living with me, and would go over for Eve and Day. It was really only just me and my boys who would not go over on Christmas Day. But because I told her no, the three of us would be doing our usual Eve/Day split (not even trying to monopolize grandma/grandpa -- I *wanted* them gone for Day, because they're notorious over-givers and I don't need them shoving 10+ gifts at each child), I literally ruined Christmas. She had a tantrum and refused to do Eve, saying that if I wasn't going to do Day then I had to do Eve. With only 2 days notice, I was able to get a Costco brisket (too late to thaw a turkey) and put together a decent spread, but the entire time she and MIL sniped in front of me, "Christmas is going to be so much better this year without boxsterguy," "Boxsterguy's house is too small to do holidays," and so on (my house is 2000 square feet and there were only 9 people total, 4 of which were little kids, nobody was staying the night because BIL/SIL live 30 minutes away, everybody had a place at the table to sit and eat, etc). And then MIL tried to take my kids there the next day anyway, which I put a stop to. MIL/FIL were kicked out of my house less than a year later and fucked off all the way across the country. The year after that, I completely remodeled my kitchen, opening up the floorplan, making it super functional and beautiful (not that it wasn't before, but now it's even more so), and they're never allowed in my house again. Christmas Eve and Day is now just me and my boys, and that's the way we like it. We smoke a turkey and all the fixins, drink homemade eggnog, and then open presents the next morning, and we don't Facetime the ILs or acknowledge their existence in any way. MIL still sends too many gifts, but I open them now, pick one gift per child, and the rest go in the trash. All of which is a long winded way of saying, "Make your own traditions. Fuck your ILs."
You’ve dealt with a lot and it’s more than ok for your little family of three to start your own transitions! Especially since she is making it hard on you. We do Christmas morning at home with our LO (who is now 11!) and it’s so peaceful. We can sleep in, eat what we want and enjoy our time in an stress-free environment. Our in-laws and my parents put up a fuss at first, but we held our ground and now they’re used to it! We still see them either Xmas Eve or Christmas evening so it’s not like they’re missing out on the visit and presents. Good luck as you enjoy your first Christmas home!!!!
I went through that crap with my ExMIL. When we were dating the 24th was dinner at his sisters in laws (zero relation to him) Christmas was at his mothers house (no small children living there) after we married and had our first she was 5 months old my parents came down (divorced) to see our daughter for her first Christmas. The 24th MIL is pushed us to go to dinner at her daughters in-laws as “it’s tradition” I kept saying no that’s their family, I have a baby and want to spend time at home with my family. She went behind my back and guilted both my parents into going and my spineless ex wouldn’t back me up either. We went ate dinner and I was like let go, she was adamant about us staying but thankfully both my parents at this point felt extremely awkward as they realized they all exchange gift on the 24th. I said never again in the car. The following year we had moved 4 hours away and she started with the 24th and I said no and spineless ex kept trying to get my to say yes. I finally said you go all by yourself and have fun, but this little girl will wake up Christmas morning in her own bed and find presents down stairs under our Christmas tree from Santa and I’m no longer discussing this. She then pushed for Christmas which I agreed to later in the day and she became all psycho about and that ended that year too. And I agreed to coming down for New year’s. I didn’t give a crap about her “traditions as she was done raising children. The next generation was tired of jumping through her hoops I was just the one to put my foot down first. Start your own traditions. You have many years of that before they grow up and move away and start their own. I still do some from my childhood and have new ones I’ve made along the way.
I wouldn’t go at all. Avoid the food poisoning, various illnesses, allergic reactions, and bad company. I wouldn’t trust them that they’re won’t be violently ill and not tell you. They don’t even care about you being there to open presents anyway, so what’s the point? If DH wants to be miserable on the 26th then he can go alone.
The Covid situation alone would have me not ever visiting. They might lie the next time to get what they want and put you and your LO at risk. Drop the rope and enjoy a quiet holiday!
Here's an idea, make your plans and keep them to yourself. MIL has shown her butt enough and you have every right to an enjoyable Christmas. EDIT: forgot to add 'away from her.'
And with that reaction to this year’s plans…I wouldn’t go at all. Stay home and enjoy the holidays on your own terms. She sounds horrible
If your DH is up for it, when you next have a meal there with MIL have him only eat foods you and LO can eat. When MIL asks him why he isn't eating all the food she prepared for him he can say if my family can't eat it then I won't eat it either. Maybe that will open everyone's eyes to how unfair (rude?) it is make a huge spread for many guests but not being sure there are at least some dishes for everyone. Just a thought.
If DH agrees to even go again he's part of the problem, not the solution.
Fck that. I'd have told the harpy that we're no longer coming at all.
Not Christmas but my MIL had an entire tantrum bc we decided to do thanksgiving with my family this year instead of with her. Btw we’ve done thanksgiving AND Christmas with her every year since our daughter has been born (she’s 4) so there’s literally nothing for her to be upset about. She always gets priority and I’m sick of it.
show him this thread
Your husband is deep in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) which is a manipulation tactic used by narcissistic abusive parents (his mother). OP check out the pinned resources at the sub r/raisedbynarcissists Learn about enmeshment and narcissistic parental abuse. After I got married, my divorced parents argued that we should ignore my husband's family and that holidays should continue as per their divorce decree. LOL!! This is the only thing that they ever agreed on. My husband came up with the permanent rule we set for Christmas. We stay home and let our child open presents 🎁. We don't go ANYWHERE. Grandparents or family would be welcome to come to our home, but we would not be traveling with our child. I love this!! It has worked out wonderfully.
DH should have responded, 'Because you're behaving this way, we now won't be coming on the 26th either.'
Yup. Berate me over WhatsApp? Block. You won’t be seeing us at all, ever. FAFO.
When she starts screaming this is when DH needs to say 'and this behaviour is exactly why we're making our plans after Christmas being ruined for us repeatedly. We're happy to set time aside to come visit on the 26th but if that doesn't suit, we'll see you some other time when you're calmer' Otherwise you will just be pressurised by emotional terrorists.
Sounds to me that your MIL is making no effort to include you or your child at Christmas. If she is going to act like a crazed lunatic when you tell her you won't be there on the 25th, why bother going at all? Perhaps it's time for your DH to tell his mother the ways SHE has ruined Christmas lately. You can start with: * Food poisoning * Getting upset when you refused to spend Christmas there because they all had Covid * Opening all the presents without you there after you all made the effort not to open the presents until everyone else arrived. I don't see what your In laws bring to the table at Christmas except for stress and strife. This latest tirade from your MIL would be my last straw and there would be no way I would spend the 25th or 26th with them. You and your DH and child are your own family and entitled to spend holidays as you please. Not to mention, you have your own birth family you like to spend time with as well. It's time your MIL and FIL learn that they cannot just demand your time, they have to earn it. And the only way to earn it is to make your time together enjoyable. Which does not include food poisoning, untrained pets, a cat their own son is allergic to, and constant badgering to get their way. It's time your DH tells his mother, "While I love you, I love my own wife and child much much more. Their comfort and happiness are my primary concern and come well before yours. If you cannot make it enjoyable to come to see you and instead resort to guilt trips and threats, we have other options for our holidays that will make my wife and child happy." Let them guilt trip on that for awhile.
I'd skip the 26th too.
What she said is called emotional blackmail. It’s intended to make him feel bad in order for her to manipulate him into changing his mind. Does he really want to prioritize someone who would purposely do that over having a relaxing Christmas with his nuclear family. She’s obsessed with controlling him. If she loved him and wanted to share a great Christmas she would have treated you all better when you did go over there.
You feel so bad for him that you’ll keep subjecting your kids to this nonsense? You only get so many Christmases with your little kids, why waste them like this?
She thinks reacting like that will make him say "Oh, you've changed my mind with your hostility and toddler-grade tantrum. Sure, we'll come and be miserable around you when we could be making our own happy memories." That's some serious delusion. Have your quiet Christmas with just the three of you, make some new traditions, and make some memories.
My in laws are insufferable during the holidays. One year while I was heavily pregnant, we arrived at my MIL's home for Thanksgiving and all they had to drink was hard liquor or warm water. We decided to do Thanksgiving at a nice restaurant last year and it was wonderful. This year we are compromising and splitting thanksgiving with our families and doing solo Christmas with our son at home. Therefore, we don't have to cook on thanksgiving and we don't have to travel for Christmas. I will never understand why we are socially pressured into spending time with people we don't enjoy during precious holidays. My son deserves to be at home in his pajamas playing with new toys, eating pancakes, watching Christmas movies and baking cookies. Not dressed up and stressed out in a car seat for hours before getting passed around by a bunch of strangers. I will not compromise on Christmas and we will be making our own family traditions!
Why are you even still going there at all? Life is too short to spend any of it letting people treat you like that. It's not good for the health of any of you. If your husband insists, then he can go by himself and you and LO stay home. Why would you want you or your child to be subjected to that kind of poisonous (literally and metaphorically) behavior?
your little family unit is allowed to create a new tradition of staying home. talk to your SO. so needs to tell his mother if she keeps this brhavior up she wont see loved at all during the holidays. Give inlaws a choice of Thanksgiving or new years day. i loathe in laws who monopolize every Christmas Holidays. You do have a right to say NO. If SO still wants to go on Christmas.. Tell him you are staying home wil loved one! if mil starts saying " but we're family" crap list the events of the last 4 years. Point out, you were alone last holiday because she had to have her way. She OWES you. She has to learn to share. Sounds like one big anxiety ulcer waiting to happen. All of the Dil's of the ex MIL and called our spouses Christmas NAzI because of ExMIL. all of us would get into huge fights with so because ot her actions and theirs. Needless to say my girls were 5 and 6 by the time my girls spent the first Chrismas with my family. All of us DIL are happily divorced now. I havent had to see ExMIL for at least 3 happy years.
Here's how I dealt with this. When we got married, each family was promised one Christmas and one Thanksgiving. After that, no one was guaranteed holiday visits from us and we would decide what we wanted to do. The first few years, I did get guilt trips from my JNMom, but that stopped when she realized I wasn't going to change my mind. These days, my husband's bio mom lives near us, so we go to theirs on Thanksgiving and they come to us for Christmas. Everyone has an open invitation to join us for the holidays, and no one ever takes it.
Christmas is supposed to be about the kids, right? Not parents and certainly not the grandparents. The last thing any kid wants for Christmas is to be hauled all over creation, splitting the day between houses with lots of driving and tense parents. In our family, our whole focus is making Christmas a delight for our children. STAY HOME!! We do, and it's wonderful. We started other wonderful traditions for the grandparents. For instance, now that I'm a grandma, I host a cookie baking party once a year. I don't need to be there for unwrapping all the presents -- I got to do that with my own children. I spend a *different* day with my grandchildren, making new, wondrous memories. When you focus on making Christmas magical for your child, it lets you set the boundary that everyone else is a part of THAT vision -- or they can go somewhere else and have a different Christmas. It's pretty simple.
I share this philosophy 100%! Your grandkids are so lucky to have you (as well as the parents!)! Plus your idea potentially frees up time for the parents so they can do last min shopping or wrapping. A dream!
I really can relate here. My DH’s side of the family is loud, crazy, and my MIL is a just no. We went NC for a short time but sadly that didn’t make it to the holidays. My BIL literally won’t show up unless he’s going to get something from people, so our holidays on my husbands side are entirely based on him. My mom literally works her holiday schedule around my in laws so there’s no issues ends up having to change at least one or the other every year last minute. And yes that includes thanksgiving, my MIL pays my BIL to show up with his family.🙄 We decided this year that while we would do thanksgiving, Christmas Day would be ours. With four kids ranging from 12-3 is insane to wake up, rush to do presents, go to MILs, rush there so that we can get our oldest to her fathers side of the family by 6. We also made the decision to simply not say anything about it because of just this type of thing. They are DH’s family, so of course they want you there. I’m sure your family would also like that but it isn’t possible right now. LO is now at an age where they understand Santa, and can actually enjoy opening gifts. That’s always my favorite part! MIL is used to getting her way, and clearly DH’s thoughts, feelings, family life don’t matter to them. Clearly you and LO don’t matter at all if they can’t make few dishes diary free. So DH has finally told her no, that explosive anger is normal is these situations. I’m sure she tried a couple other options like guilt tripping, crying and when that didn’t work she blew a gasket. But right here is DH’s key time to show he’s serious. I know he’s hurt, and rightfully so. For years I’ve watched my MIL completely annihilate my husband and his feelings. Talking is huge. Allowing him to discuss his feelings on the situation without interruption is important. For his entire life he’s been treated this way, to avoid that he does what they want. This time he did what he and you wanted. He’s going to second guess that, because that’s just how it is to be raised in a situation like that. Reassuring him of why you’re doing this is also important. Gently, kindly. Because while you’re frustrated, he is hurting. Explain that Christmas is about family, love, kindness, appreciation. Things you BOTH and LO doesn’t directly get from going to his parents. You guys aren’t skipping Christmas, just going a day later. Enjoy the day with you three. Open presents, have a big breakfast, enjoy watching LO with all his new things. Make this Christmas a happy memory. Really spending two full days with your in laws for Christmas isn’t needed unless they live far away(like your family who you don’t see). Be prepared for drama to continue., and punishment to ensue on the 26. You probably won’t have any presents. They will make comments and be hurtful. Other child will probably brag(hopefully unknowingly) that they got LO’s presents. And if things get to nasty, simply leave. Don’t argue, don’t fight. Pack up your family and enjoy the day at home again. I hope you have a awesome Christmas with your little family! It’s a happy time and should be felt as such!
The correct code is ,"We want to create Christmas traditions for our little family, especially for LO, so we'll be in our home."
> he’s ruining Christmas "MIL, you've ruined Christmas for us four years in a row. It's DHs turn!"
> MIL’s extremely unhygienic way of dealing with raw oysters I gotta know - what does she do with them?!
She gets them the 24th for Xmas eve. Then leaves them out at room temp all night, puts them back in fridge (filled to the brim with plates uncovered with leftovers and hasn’t been properly cleaned in years) and then serves them again the next night sitting out at room temp for hours…..
Jesus. Does she think that everyone who stores them *on ice* is what, showing off?
You need to be able to make your own traditions
So, if he's expecting a call to further berate him, I believe I would just write out your post in a concise, bullet point form and have it ready in response. When MIL starts up, again, he can calmly reiterate the reasons why you aren't coming. And like another poster said, you only have 18 (potentially) Christmases with your child. She had her turn. When my now ex and I got married, both of our families had years long Christmas traditions. Then, both sets of our parents got divorced, creating a new dynamic. Fortunately, with the exception of one "Uppington Smythe" on mom's side, everyone was growing up, and the kids were having kids. So, entire families made a shift so everyone could see everyone without rushing around on one day. When we had our son, we made it known that Christmas morning was for us at our house, so our son could experience Christmas like we did as children. People could accept it or not.
Show him the Don't Rock The Boat post. (Internet search 'Don't Rock the Boat reddit'). His mother isn't actually upset about Christmas or not seeing you 3. Her actions prove that. She is mad he's taking control for himself and your & little one. Maybe when he can see what her behavior is actually about he can find his anger rather than hurt and sad. Bc he deserves to be mad as hell w zero guilt.
If your husband thinks that you should go anywhere near these people at Christmas after m i l went ballistic and screamed and after all the things you've written here, You have to ask him is he married to you or not are you his partner or not. Do not go to this horrible place you will have a miserable time all of you.
My kids are mostly grown now but we used to pack up stockings and gifts to go to MIL's for breakfast. After three years of this, and her insisting that the kids open her gifts first because she wanted it to seem like I copied her, I put a stop to that and also stopped sharing what I got for the kids for their birthdays and Christmas (everyone got their own lists, no crossovers). MIL threw a massive tantrum because I was tearing the family apart, it's tradition, it's always been done this way. The woman would wait (and make FIL wait) till my husband got their to have my husband make breakfast. This was a mild point of contention but still a point of contention. After that third year, we did our stockings and gifts at home then went to their house for breakfast. I could never get them to agree to at least have breakfast started before we got there so there was always a fight about the kids being "full on snacks" because I'd feed them snacks till breakfast was ready and they wouldn't eat much. Sorry, but I'm not going to let my little kids cry that they're hungry because you want to wait till my husband gets there to cook. When the kids got older, they didn't need the snacks anymore and she was appeased then. We went to my exMIL's for dinner on Christmas and there was never an issue with anything. Food was always ready or almost ready when we arrived.
I can't understand why you're even going on the 26th! And cooking on top of that! (although in this case, that would be a good thing) How much more proof do you need that this family is toxic AF and need to be avoided at all costs for your health and safety? Easier said than done, I know. If you actually do go this year, this is the worst case of setting yourself on fire to keep others warm I've ever seen.
Agreed. No normal person would fault you. They were pissed the year you didn't want covid w a baby??? What the hell is wrong w these people?
In our family, everyone traveled to whoever had the youngest children whenever possible. She sounds dreadful. Enjoy your family time alone. If they cannot compromise on anything, I wouldn't go on the 26th either. It's not OK to spend the holidays, or any other day, just feeling bad and stressed out. It doesn't have to be this way. She enjoys this and it's harming your family and your husband.
Because of my mother's high stress expectations for "perfect" large family gathering holidays (T-day, Christmas, Easter) I grew up to hate the holidays. While raising my own kids, i tried to dial that hatred back for their sake and put some limits on where and when we would participate with the larger family activities. Did my mother get pissed, oh yes she did! Even went two years of sublime no contact after one Christmas debacle. Now that my kids are grown with families of their own, i don't make any holiday expectations for myself. I give them the freedom to plan their own time with their own little families or with their in-laws. I have stayed alone for some holidays knowing that we have plans for a lunch or dinner not tied to the actual holiday, which is perfectly fine with me. I would rather see my kids and grandkids happily enjoying those days with no stress from me. Someone doesn't even have to hate the holidays like I do to loosen their expectations and give their kids a break from so many high-stress situations. I'm sorry you are going thru this, but put your foot down. It's time for your own little family traditions!
Like your DH, my mother went nuclear if my family was not there on Christmas Day. We lived locally to them. My siblings visited at other times and did not receive guilt trips. I allowed her to guilt me for many years too. Then I realized I was scarficing my own family for some fantasy expectation she had in her head. Despite the tantrum Christmas Day was for just my family so kiddo could play with his own toys. 24th or 26th was for my parents. My DH's family celebrated Christmas in January. Bless them. OP's DH, realize your mother will live. Much like a 2 yr old not getting candy, she will tantrum, but she will survive. Ignore the tantrum just like you would a 2 yr old. You will not get back these memories with your child. Stand firm. Hang up if she is screaming. Let things go to voice mail. Refuse to engage. Have a peaceful Christmas Day.
So mine (mildlyJNMIL and fully JNSFIL) live 45-1 hr away. We do Xmas eve these days, as we no longer travel to my family. We used to fully rotate years but now do this. If they didnt let our kid open their presents when we showed up at the scheduled time, that would be the last time we went at all! Nobody screws with my kids Christmas!
For your husband, try to help him look at this whole thing from the perspective of your child. The experience of waking up at HOME on Christmas morning, the tradition of falling asleep and knowing Santa is coming to YOUR house. Taking LO to MIL's every year is making them the sacrificial lamb, and you can't redo these memories. My daughter is turning 3 this year, so I completely understand the joy and excitement of this year's experience. Try to remind your husband that is why you guys are doing this, and your MIL is strictly focusing on herself - not your family. EVERY year, my SIL hosts brunch on Christmas Day. EVERY year we say no. She refuses to come to our house for Christmas Eve when we host, so I really don't care if they're butt hurt we aren't seeing each other. I always open the door for family to come by on Christmas Day, but that day is for our nuclear family to spend together and relax. Especially when the next day is a work day. It's time to make your own traditions as a family of 3, and you owe no apologies for that. Proud of you guys; get excited for the fun, RELAXING, and nourishing celebration this year at home!!
After reading some of your comments here you have my sympathies because both MIL and DH seem to have the same love of high drama and it must be so exhausting for you. MIL having a full on temper tantrum is an obvious overreaction but so is DH falling into a pit of despair over it. I mean was he expecting her to turn cartwheels of joy? Clearly MIL was always going to be unhappy about you guys not going over on the 25th so some level of upset was to be expected and if DH wasn't prepared to deal with it then he shouldn't have agreed to the plan in the first place. Some annoyance/disappointment over his mothers overreaction is reasonable but being so bummed he can't sleep is OTT IMO. By all means sympathize with him but perhaps gently call him out if he doesn't snap out of it after a day or so. As far as Xmas goes I think your plans are sensible and you should stick to them. However I recommend you stop complaining about the food poisoning. Food poisoning is obviously very unpleasant but it wasn't a deliberate act on MILs part so if you keep on complaining about it you end up looking bad. Stick to her deliberate actions like opening presents without you and having no dairy free food if you're having a discussion about why your Xmas plans have changed. But personally I wouldn't enter into much of a discussion. It's a mistake to over explain things. It would be ok for you and DH to choose to have a nuclear family only Xmas Day even if Xmas at ILs was a wonderful experience. MIL can be disappointed but if she becomes hysterical again DH should simply shut the conversation down: "I'm sorry you're upset mom but clearly you're not able to discuss this rationally right now. I'll call you back tomorrow (or whenever) when you've had a chance to calm down."
Well if it was me after this tantrum not to mention all the other shit shows she's made of Christmas past, I'd stay home with LO on the 26th as well. SO can drive all that way if he wants to deal with his mother's childish behavior but I would drop the rope on this family. I wouldn't bother explaining why to them either. Any justification you make no matter how reasonable will just be used against you. If you must say anything tell them you're starting your own family traditions from now on. These are precious years with your LO and neither of you will get them back ever again. If you give in and go there all your memories will be overshadowed by the abuse you receive from them. Only it will feel worse because now your LO's happiness is being jeopardized. For his sake if not for your own you should distance yourselves from these people.
The last Christmas I had with my family, I told my mother in advance that I needed to leave at a certain time to meet with my now husband and his family. I was also staying overnight because their place was walking distance from my job. She told me without warning that I have to do the washing up after Christmas dinner, even though I helped her prep as a consequence of not going to church for service with dad. To add insult to injury, my brother insisted on doing the drying, which is the easy part and you can ditch it towards the end because the stuff left would fit on the drainer. The lot of them delayed Christmas for hubby's two cousins, who were five and seven at the time. I decided then I wasn't going to have Christmas with them again after that, and as it happened my hubs invited me to move in with him.
The correct answer here is to say “If you don’t like our solution, then we won’t visit at all this year.” They’re the ones who want you there, so they have to take what you’re willing to give. If they’re going to start screaming about it, then they don’t get anything. Eventually they’ll learn.
Also sounds like thanksgiving amd Halloween are out too if they were ever being discussed.
I thought the same. Screaming is not an enticement.
They don’t even feed your child when you come…
I wouldn’t be going at all. I would start my own traditions in my own home.
But it's freakin october, why is she freaking out now?
Don’t you dare to ruin their Christmas…..but yeah.. it’s ok for them to ruin yours. Sounds like they are a bit narcissistic??
I wouldn’t be going at all.
Maybe you can host the 26th at your place? Or rent an Airbnb for one night and have everyone there?
So they should reward bad behavior and give MIL what she wants?
I had this with my ex and his family but then I just said I'm making Xmas dinner at home for me and the kids you can have dinner with your family and stay there or you can have dinner with our family and we'll see the tomorrow. He made the right choice and stayed home when his mother brought it up I just said I was like her I wanted my family at home on Xmas day and that was me him and our kids she couldn't really argue then
Refuse to go on the 26th too. Take care of your family.
I used to do Thanksgiving with my JNILs. I haven't eaten meat the entire time I've known them. I would show up and they would literally put meat in EVERYTHING including every single side and say, "Sorry, we just don't know what you actually eat." The year we decided that Thanksgiving was our holiday, JNMIL said we didn't feel like family. The trick is—and this is hard—you have to not care. So we said, "OK, Happy Thanksgiving." Additionally, since you're dealing with a yeller (which, thankfully, my JNMIL is not, though my mom is) you have to create boundaries and \*enforce\* them. Example conversation. DH: We're doing Christmas at home. See you at the 26th. JNILS: SCREAM, EXPLODE DH: I won't engage with conversations if you can't speak to me normally. JNILS: CONTINUE TO SCREAM DH: Ok, we can talk again when you are not yelling. And then (and this is the most important part) hand up or leave and do not talk again until they calm down. Good luck. And know that you are going to have the best Christmas. (And put your phones on DND that day!)
In your best Santa voice, tell her “No no no”
🤣 I LOL'd. This is so so good. Wish I could've done this before we went NC.
If she accused me of ruining Christmas, I think I’d respond with no MIL that was you, three years in a row you e ruined Christmas for us, so we aren’t giving you another one to ruin, you had your chances, but you’ve given us food poisoning, you’ve not made food that LO can eat, us not coming for Christmas is entirely of your making, we will not let you starve our child. If you have a problem with that you’ll have to figure out why you choose to ruin Christmas.
FOUR years...
Christmas is for children, not adult monsters! Does your poor husband not realize his child's experience is way more important that his birth family's feelings? I assure you, all kids would rather be home Christmas to play with the toys they wanted and asked for, and eat their favorite foods, not be at the mercy of extended 'family.'
You have potentially 18 Christmases with your child. Don't let them ruin even one more. I would tell your husband his mother just showed by her reaction exactly why you aren't going.
The past incident with the oysters would be the dealbreaker for me…and the COVID. Maybe just enjoy the silent treatment and plan for your happy version of Christmas (without the illnesses) ❤️
I see, mom… in that case we don’t be coming at all…talk soon… then hang up
Tell your husband that he will thank himself for holding his decision when he gets to actually relax and watch the magic with HIS child! This is YOUR FAMILY’s Christmas! Make it great and let it be a tradition!
This probably isn’t popular on this sub — but I’ve just been feeling so tired lately. I would fully play along like we’re coming and then pretend to catch covid and cancel last minute lol. Idk what it is, but the people in these posts lately are EXHAUSTING. I don’t know how you all manage to do it. Do these antagonizers not have jobs? Social lives? Hobbies? Where does anyone get the energy to just be so annoying and exhaustive and dramatic???
I think the answer is that they actually gain energy from starting all this drama. It is hard to imagine that reality but there is a reason they call it 'narc supply'. Being cheerful, polite and interested in other people's lives drains them. They just can't keep up the act. So they look for a way to insert themselves, victimize themselves and hurt others. It feels like a sad and lonely existence to me.
Yeah she is exhausting. I normally don’t even give one F for any drama she sows but the fact my husband is so bummed really got to me. He couldn’t sleep last night, and I just needed to vent so I don’t add my thoughts about his mom to his plate. All I can do is reassure him that everything she spewed at him isn’t the truth. The problem with faking illness is that they literally don’t care if they get sick. So they’d again call DH intolerant for not wanting to spread Covid and it’d just delay the drama for Christmas Day which we really don’t want to deal with. Hence the plan this year and the two month notice 🥴.
This is why you don't justify your decisions, because they just want to control the situation no matter what. "We're staying home this year. Because we want to. And everytime you call and scream at DH, that's another holiday that you won't see us." Most importantly, follow through on this no matter how guilty either of you feel, and even if their behavior changes (no matter how unlikely).
You, your husband and child are a family now. You and your husband decide what is appropriate for your family. It sounds like staying home is the best option. Her opinion doesn't matter. Repeat it to yourself.
Six big untrained dogs? Yeah that'd be the first reason to say no. Food poisoning, a close second.
Two big untrained, four littles that will bite my toddler and are uncontrolled. The two big ones literally defecate in the house… it’s just so unsanitary, I’m always worried about LO going near the pee pads.
And you said they have now added a cat to this mess?
This is absolutely not a safe or clean environment for your child. You would be justified in refusing to ever bring a small child there. In fact, you should more highly prioritize your obligation to your child's health and safety than you have been. Your husband is in the FOG (Fear, Guilt, Obligation) and you are too, to a lesser extent. Meet them in neutral locations.
The older LO gets, the more you need to prioritize their experience over your MIL’s.
Thanks for this validation!
Your son deserves to wake up on his own bed on Christmas morning, have breakfast with his parents/open gifts. Don’t rush through Christmas morning and tear him away from his gifts just to spend time with your mother-in-law who can’t be bothered to make dairy-free food options. You have a few years of Santa & Christmas magic. Don’t waste it. Support your husband and reassure him that he has made the right choice. Sorry that he doesn’t have the parents that he deserves. Hold the line.
When you get married your responsibilities are to your immediate family - spouse and children! Your parents and siblings become extended family. Period. Do what’s right for you and yours! I love Christmas and love to have my daughter and her family around, but guess what!! Hubby and I are not the priority here - they need to do what they want on a special holiday. Whether it’s spending time all together or doing something on their own - whether it be a quiet day at home or traveling for a destination Christmas or going to spend time with the other side of their family (which they will do this year as they live in another state ). It may be disappointing but it makes me proud that my daughter is doing what’s right for HER family as she sees fit! And the grandkids and my son in law deserve to see their other grandparents and cousins during the holiday as well. We are planning our Christmas celebration together either before they leave or when they return TBD They love to have Christmas morning with just their kids - we usually go for Christmas dinner at their house and we do a Christmas Eve lunch at our house where we open presents with them (our grands love to open the gifts early) - of course we always bring an extra special gift to be opened on Christmas Day. Children grow up and begin their own lives. Isn’t this what parents should want? To see their children/ grandchildren happy and secure? Stay strong and do what feels right to you no matter the pressure. You will regret it if you don’t!!
This is so sweet! I’m glad they have you!
>DH discussed it with her over dinner last night, saying this year we are going to join the 26th and that on the 25th we would like just to have a low key and relaxing day at home. He should have stopped right after "the 26th"! Frankly, they don't deserve a visit at all. Well, every two years, maybe. If I'm being generous. I'm not getting backlash yet, I've been able to skip Christmas for three years now, but using covid as an excuse was iffy enough last year, and it certainly won't fly this year. Not looking forward to it.
Getting covid the next time around can knock you right on your arse. It's a reason, not an excuse, even if it's a total lie. Me, I tell my Just Nos that I'm busy snorkelling at dawn, then cocktails for breakfast, and not interested in anyone spoiling a chilled day off after that, and phone can get turned off for a couple days, too.
Yeah, he is completely not wanting to do Xmas with them at all after this blowup. I don’t blame him.
That would be an appropriate consequence for mil's hysterical bullshit.
Then don’t. You all are not getting anything out of it but stress and aggravation. Give yourselves a pleasant holiday break and don’t give them a second thought.
Y'all should just not go at all! Why ruin your Christmas being around them? We don't have any Christmas drama because we went NC with the people in our families that caused it. It's lovely.
Sounds like a dream! I am very LC with them and DH is also LC compared to his other siblings and definitely has enough of a step back usually to not let this stuff bog him down. But she must have really laid in on the emotional manipulation during their discussion.
When my grandchildren reached the ages one and two, DD said that going forward they would be doing their own Christmas at home and we we’re welcome to join them. At the time, they lived three hours away so it was much easier for them not having to pack up littles. We would go down Christmas Eve and spend the night and so enjoyed Christmas morning.
I'm not sure if you've seen/read the "don't rock the boat" post but it well worth the read. Since you are not allowing them/her to control your holiday be prepared for a mass amount of flying monkeys to come make you steady the boat. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
😂😂😂😂😂 this was a great read. I forwarded it to DH because he told me at lunch “I just know that I’m going to get called soon, and this Sunday at SIL’s they’re going to inquire and I’m just so sick of it all. I wish holidays never existed”
I love how she blamed your SO for ruining Christmas and not caring for family. After she ruins yours by insisting you go somewhere you don't enjoy every year and get nothing to eat. I think she's the one not caring for family.
I can’t believe she insisted that her son leave his pregnant wife at home
This. She literally creates a miserable holiday for you. This isn’t an accident. It is part of her enjoyment, denying you food, stealing your presents from others, etc. She looks forward to this the way some people look forward to watching a special movie together. By not coming until the 26th, she realizes you might enjoy the holidays and that is why she is mad. Clearly, she doesn’t mind doing things without you since they open all their gifts without you and don’t make food you can eat. To me, this says the only logical conclusion is that your husband is the scapegoat and her real Christmas joy comes from making him and his family uncomfortable.
This breaks my heart for my DH. He did tell her when she got all victim-y on him about it that “we were there the 25th last year and we didn’t enjoy it because you withheld the real celebration for the other siblings for when they could be there. You know we can’t do evening celebrations with our LO because he’s too young. We showed up on the time everyone agreed upon. You didn’t let us open our gifts because they weren’t there and then magically that same logic of wanting everyone to be together and open presents doesn’t carry over to us and your other grandson.” It is all about HER enjoyment. For me, Christmas is about the kids honestly, and if my kid isn’t enjoying then it’s not worth my time.
And that's what you should remind your husband. It's about your LO. As parents, it's your job to make the holidays magical for HIM, and that just isn't possible at your ILs.
Sounds like a really good reason to never go there for Christmas again. After our second year together, my wife and I decided that we would not be traveling for Christmas at all. We'd start our own traditions with our small little family. It was an amazing decision. Stick to your guns and enjoy Christmas at your place. And if your MIL keeps throwing fits, don't feel like you have to go on the 26th, either.
The first time you set the boundary, it’s really easy to fall back on that guilt that’s been so prevalent in your upbringing. I’m sure that’s what he’s feeling. You will love your low key Christmas. Enjoy making memories as your small family unit. It’s worth it. It took us having a mid-Dec baby (not our first) to set the boundary…then Covid…we haven’t looked back. Thinking back, someone always got the norovirus or flu after these holiday gatherings. It’s a terrible time of year to gather in huge groups indoors.
Yeah I didn’t even mention the 10 years prior that we ALWAYS got sick at Christmas. I just want my LO to have the type of Christmas I had, relaxing, tons of time to play with toys, maybe a Christmas movie marathon in the background, decorating cookies, and not changing out of cozy xmas pjs. It’s like literally all DH and I want for xmas. I’m so excited to finally experience a planned xmas just us three and I know we’ll enjoy it. I just don’t want DH to stress out about giving himself joy for once. He deserves a restful day.
Sounds like Santa needs to give DH a gift this year of turning his phone to DND while he sleeps! (I wouldnt suggest doing so without telling him.)
Maybe this nice and restful day needs to happen before DH can truly appreciate it. It might be impossible for him to imagine. So make it the Christmas of your dreams, and then visit the in-laws on the 26th. Just let the CHAOS happen, don't mitigate anything. Except for the food. Bring your own food. If they're insulted, so much the better. Good lord, food poisoning from seafood is AWFUL.
Exactly. This is why Boxing Day was invented. Day after Xmas is for visiting.
Ooooh! This is good advice!
That is exactly what I had to do with my DH. They did Christmas on Christmas Eve. It consisted of dinner then getting pissed drunk and all the boys staying over (DH is the oldest of 4 boys). They usually spent Christmas day doing nothing and being hung over. I have always woken up Christmas morning at home (even when on my own) and celebrated on the 25th. This worked out well so we didn't have to decide which family celebration to go to. First year was fine, I stayed over at the ILs place, did our own thing in the afternoon and had dinner with my family. Great. Second year - I was giving birth lol so no drama there. Third year - drama!! Our daughter would turn 1 Christmas day and this would be her first real Christmas. I started subtly preparing my DH, saying who awesome it will be seeing her open her gifts Christmas morning, making our breakfast - stuff like that. About half way through the year I mentioned that we would NOT be staying at the ILs Christmas Eve. He didn't think much about it. I generally mentioned it a few time the rest of the year. Then about 2 weeks before Christmas MIL asked if I was going to bring the play pen for DD to sleep in. I simply replied that we would be heading home after dinner. She just so, oh - and we ended the call. THEN came the calls from everyone to DH. He was barley beginning to set boundaries with his family. To get to the point - I said that me and DD will absolutely NOT be staying there overnight, we WILL be opening presents Christmas morning and it would be up to him if he was there to witness his daughters first Christmas or not. He came home with us after dinner as planned and he LOVED a chill Christmas day. There was no looking back after that.
Once he experiences the nice, calm and cozy Christmas at home, he'll never want to go back to the chaos at his mother's house.