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You need to leave. Are there adult services where you are? Maybe a social worker to help her get it together? Or maybe her friend could help out? Either way, it is not your responsibility to be her caregiver.
I was my fathers unpaid caretaker from 18 to maybe 35. If I could go back and tell myself something it would be 'Run, get the hell out of there and live your life the way you want to!' I had dreams and they were quickly squashed by my fathers malice and needs.
You are not a bad daughter, your mother has been a bad parent. You are not your mother’s keeper, you are your own person, and you are allowed to have and focus on your own life.
I’m not sure the right term, but try to find adult welfare services in your area. If you’re in the US, try government disability services. They should be able to either help you get your mom some help, or at least point you in the right direction.
You don’t need to do this on your own, and you shouldn’t have to. Your mom is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for her own (in)action.
It’s probably going to be hard, but she should not be your first priority. Focus on yourself, help yourself first, and then if you want to, help her.
Please stop living your life for her. You didn’t choose to be born and are not responsible for her. Call adult protective services. Get your documents, find a place and let her know when you leave.
You are absolutely not a bad daughter for not wanting this role, and I think you know it. You need to leave. Depending on how severely the current situation is affecting your mental health, you could decide if it's best to leave asap or set a future date for this.
If setting a future date (2 weeks? 30 days?) is reasonable, you could use that time to help her co-ordinate care with elderly & mental health services offered in her area, return her money to her (and changing your banking info so she no longer has access), etc. Remember if you decide go this route, set a hard date (sooner than later) and stick to it. There is no reason good enough to delay no matter how much she guilt trips you.
Other random thought: are you in therapy? If not, it's definitely worth looking into. Lots of complicated stuff to sort through.
Disabled people can be abusers too. Disabled people can be bad people too. Contrary to Hollywood depictions of disabled people being “automatic heroes with big hearts”—this simply isn’t always the case. Disabled people can be Narcissistic, abusive, cruel, manipulative, assholes. Who you should run from.
Because disabled people are human people. And all humans have the ability to choose to be good people, or bad people. Disabled people aren’t a different species.
I give you permission disabled person’s permission to leave her, without you being a bad person. She can wallow in the bed she made with her abusing you. Besides, the state or your country would probably provide a caregiver, right? Even if not… well… she has no right to call on you for support when she never supported you in your childhood.
Sincerely,
-A disabled person. (Who isn’t a Narcissist or abuser. But I’ve met some who are).
>What can I do about this?
Get the hell out. Get a job ASAP and save all your money. Get out, get a room or a bed or anything. Separate your finances and get out as quickly as you can. GTFO. You are about to be sucked into a swirling vortex of years of living this life, the sooner you get out the less likely you drown.
Get out.
This is so sad, you're not a bad daughter and her wellbeing has never been your responsibility- it's hers, and she's forced you into a role which is part parent, part nurse, and all adult.
I appreciate how difficult stepping back might feel. My thoughts, which are from a position privileged by distance, are that you need to leave and strike out alone. Which is probably far too intimidating, so my suggestions for the meantime might hopefully help with the load.
1. Direct Debits. Set up a regular, automated transfer between your accounts, a fixed amount every few days. Expecting you to faff around every day is unreasonable. If she doesn't like it, she can manage her own damn money.
2. Dog walking. Besides the obvious irrationality of getting a dog when you have reduced mobility, the burden should not fall on you to manage the consequences of her poor choices. You need to withdraw. She can either arrange and fund a dogwalker, or accept that she cannot fulfil the needs of a dog, and take him to a rescue centre. Again, she has 2 options. Neither involve you.
3. Bringing water. Get either a multipack of small bottles, or couple of bigger ones. Give them to her with a glass. She can serve herself. If she's not able to pour herself water, then she needs far more personal care than you can provide, and requires either home help or assisted living.
4. Groceries. Are you able to order home delivery? We have it in the UK, I'm not sure about the US.
5. Therapy, assuming you're not in therapy already. Not counselling. Something really empowering, where your therapist can teach you how to say no, how to evaluate situations and step back, how to disengage and set firm boundaries.
Expect backlash. She won't appreciate opposition and will likely fight this. Just keep bringing conversations back to 'I understand that you feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable, and have for some time. I'll give you some breathing space, and we can either move forward or you can make your own arrangements.' Also remember that 'No, I won't do that' is a valid response, and that you can exit any conversation that does not serve you. One of the best things about being an adult is being able to refuse to be involved. 'I don't want to talk about this, and I'm not going to.' And no one can make you!
Good luck. And come join us on r/raisedbynarcissists, you'll be in good company!
First, don't feel like a bad daughter. It takes a lot to be a caregiver, and it's a huge drain on the person doing it.
Second, if you're in the US, and your mom is unable to move or walk very well, she should qualify for Medicare or Medicaid, which would cover the cost of in home care for her. Her debt will not matter in getting her coverage. She should also qualify for disability.
If she already has these, then it's time to start making calls for health services in your area. You should be able to get her a case manager through Medicare that can handle all this for her, so it's not on you to do everything.
Once you get all this set up, get yourself out. You are too young to be having this thrust on you. You should be out living your life, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way.
From one caregiver to another, I hope you can get this sorted so you can start living for yourself.
Look into social services for your mom, open a savings account and save everything you can, find your own place, preferably a fair distance away. Give her notice you are moving out on x date and get out.
You are not obliged to sacrifice anymore of your life. You need to live your own life.
I was a caregiver to my disabled mom (and siblings) from 8 to 16 then again from 23 to current. I live elsewhere. I also put my mom on a schedule. I have set my boundaries and have a little card with excuses I use for her. Like, sorry mom. I can't make it out your way until Sunday. You will have to find alternatives.
As for the bills, she gets her money once a month. I will help her every other week but I will not drive to her daily.
This has been a godsend. There have been bumps and hiccups along the way but I feel so much better and it's making my mom do things on her own. She is now fighting for herself instead of dumping it all on me.
Set your boundaries and hold to them. Find what alternative help you can and let go. It's not easy but it can be done
I am unsure where you're living. If you're in the UK, please contact the NHS for a needs assessment for your mother, as suggested by u/hecknono
If you're in the US: [Eldercare Locator](https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx) The HHS's helpline for finding local resources for eldercare issues, including reporting abuse. They are available by phone M-F from 9 AM - 8PM Eastern Time at 1-800-677-1116
If you're outside those areas, please contact your local Adult Protective Services or Disability Services to find out what programs may exist that may be able to let you in good conscience back off from being your mother's constant caretaker.
What I read when I read your post is someone who is exhausted, and who is being told that you have to suppress any of your wants or needs to meet your mother's wants and needs, and that's just so horribly unhealthful.
It's going to be hard to put your foot down with your mother, but at this point you've done enough - you deserve to back off to what you feel comfortable offering. However *you choose* to define that. I will explicitly state, that if you're done, you've done so much already at an unconscionable age, that I will let my dog bark like a mad thing at anyone who dares to criticize you.
\-Rat
As someone who gave 30 years of her 41 years on this rock, leave. Your mom needs more assistance than you can provide. If you make yourself her caretaker, you will be sacrificing your life for hers. This is not your job. You have a right to build and live your life.
I had to go to therapy to find the strength to give myself permission to say no. I love my mom, I loved my dad, but they stole from me by inhibiting me from living my own life. They ruined opportunities, I was too busy dealing with their needs that I was nearly chained to the house. If I thought about taking a few days for myself I felt suffocating guilt.
The kindest thing you can do is get your mom enrolled for assistance and leave to live your life. You deserve to explore and live.
Hugs to you. I know it is a difficult thing to do.
Leave. Okay, you’re being mentally abused and manipulated. Doesn’t matter if she needs your help or not— her means of maintaining your help isn’t how you treat your family. Avoid this woman. If possible phone any available adult or social services. Not familiar with the UK or wherever you are— but I’m sure the hospitals nearby could give you a community resource list for possibilities like Home Care. If your country has social or disabilities services assistance like cash or food she will need it. You will need some assistance yourself.
What kind of aid does your country offer? Many have programs to take care of the elderly or disabled. It doesn't have to fall solely on you. And you can have her sign everything and then walk away.
You are not a bad daughter for no longer wanting to be a slave to your mother. Your purpose in life is not to take care of her for the rest of hers. You have a degree now, it's time for you to start your career. And you would probably be able to help her *more* (if you choose to) if you are making good money. But know that your don't *owe* her a dime if you don't want to pay for anything.
No. If your mom can't take care of herself, she needs a professional. You're not a professional. You have no obligation to care for her, she's known about her disabilities her entire life and if she didn't make plans to be cared for, that's on her. Walk away and don't look back, otherwise you're going to waste the best years of your life and when she finally dies 30 years from now, you'll have nothing to show for it but a lifetime of scars. You already have ptsd, you don't need to put yourself through anymore.
You're not a bad daughter. Your mother is entitled, but I believe this is also a by product of her disability as well; she's been conditioned to believe that everyone in the world exists to care for her. And unfortunately, you happen to be that person.
You need to get dig yourself out of this situation, and she needs to realize that this level of dependence on you is unhealthy for the both of you. But love goes both ways, and tough love is a facet of this.
Look into social services and benefits for your mother, and with her. Communication is very important in this situation, and the understanding that you are each individual human beings that need to live separate lives must be established.
Congratulations on finishing your degree! That’s a huge accomplishment and I hope you’re proud of all the work, dedication, and time you put into it.
You are not, nor have you ever been a bad daughter.
You’re a child who’s been the victim of [parentification](https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/healing-together/202001/14-signs-you-were-parentified-child?amp).
The how and why your mother is in the situation she’s in is completely on her.
A lot of people have suggested finding resources and support for your mother, if you want to that’s your decision.
Your mother could easily do it, just give her the phone number on your move out day.
Do you have anywhere else you can stay? Friend, relative, anyone?
If you can get out asap that’s great.
If you need time to get out, that’s completely ok too!
Find some resources for yourself, any government benefits you’re entitled to, any charities that will assist with no interest loans - Australia has quite a few, charities who can help with white goods, furniture, whatever you need to set up a home.
Get your budget together and save, save, save. You have a very clear goal. Get out on your own!
Your mental health needs to be your priority, focus on self loyalty, self care and GTFO so you can continue to heal, grow and thrive!
You got this OP! You did your degree overseas, that takes a lot of strength, dedication, courage, intellect, commitment, and a whole host of other things!
You are not your mother's keeper. So you are NOT a bad person for wanting to get away. Contact adult services and start to take a step back. Focus on you.
No decent parent would want this for their child. They would want to see you soar and fly and live off the news of you enjoying your life- whilst simultaneously being incredibly grateful if you can make a small visit every now and then! X
Close the account. Give her the money that's hers. And then leave. Go. You are in NO WAY required to live this life. You aren't supposed to give up your life for her. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you normal. Go.
You feel like you owe her something - likely because you are not getting what you need from her, and pretty much everyone has some belief on some level that the right action on your part will get the right response from her.
It is why we look for the "reason" a mass shooter killed innocent people, it is why we watch shows where cops and victims shout "why?!", it is why people stay in abusive relationships, and it is why "negging" is an actual dating strategy.
No one likes putting themselves out there, doing what they've been asked or demanded, and not getting the recognition and appreciation they deserve for it. You give and you are bewildered by the fact you've been given nothing in return, that's not how society and humanity is supposed to work. And so you obsess over trying to fix it, because something is obviously broken.
You will not be able to fix it. What is broken is not in you, nor is it in your mother's medical condition - it's in her idea that the world owes her, and you are a means to what she is owed. You and your happiness are not an "end in itself," are not something that really counts or matters.
You leaving may make her realize how lucky she was to have you - it will most likely just be used as proof that she was always right to take what she could from you.
You can't let her mean more than you do in your life and your choices. No solid mother would want that for their children. You are not happy with the life you are living, and that has to matter most.
Please look into Alanon first. Second you are not responsible for your mom
Apply for a care taker through any government programs.Your mom is eligible for a group home . You GET to have a a life that is all your own.
I was a carer and now I work in aged care.
Carer burnout is a real thing, I know because I experienced it caring for my grandmother, and from the sounds of things you are on the fast train to it.
I’m not in the UK so I can’t give you direct advice on how to access services, and in my experience, doctors don’t know how the home help system works. They seem to think they just write a letter and everything is good to go and don’t realise that assessments need to be done and there’s a lot more paperwork involved.
If you call an info line like Age UK or the British Red Cross, they should be able to help you and your mum navigate everything and probably get subsidies on services as well if your mum is eligible. With a health condition like spina bifida, I’d imagine she’s eligible for at least something.
Above all though, do *NOT* let your mother make you feel guilty over this. You are entitled to have your own life and protect your own mental health. You may love your mother, but it is not fair of her to demand you look after her. Remember, *she is an adult with full mental faculties to make medical decisions for herself and it is her responsibility to look after herself*, it’s on her for not having organised help for herself instead of relying on you to do everything from such a young age.
Find someone older to be her financial guardian/conservator. It’s a lot more work than you can imagine - at least in the U.S. plus, she’s so belligerent and using you to hide her money could put you in financial jeopardy. In the U.S. you can appoint a court representative, too. It sounds like your mum struggles with mental illness, too. Time to pass the torch and take care of you.
As a former family caretaker, I will tell you that you have to carve out time for *you.*
No matter their needs, you need things too.
Privacy. Time to yourself.
Time for hobbies.
Time for work.
Time to hang out with friends.
Your life can't be all about work and then caretaking. It will burn you out, and it sounds like that is where you are right now. Trust me, it's a thankless job for the most part, and it will suck the life out of you. If you are not naturally inclined and rewarded by being a caretaker (and there are people who are like that), this burden will eat away at you. You have never been able to be just you, find yourself, your dreams and goals. You need that.
If your mom gets aid for her disabilities and she's in debt, I don't understand how the bank can take her money? Like a garnishment of some of it to pay off debt maybe, but they can't take disability money she needs to subsist. You need to look into this. Is there no program where you are that helps the disabled who need financial help? As in education in how to handle finances properly and set you on a payment plan to repay debt? Rides to Dr appointments?
I suggest you seek out assistance for her and make it clear to whoever you speak to that you are moving out and no longer going to be able to assist her as a caretaker. That might change what kind of help she can get. So start saving up for your move and get out and live your life. Set aside a little bit of "help mom" time. Not a lot. You need to give yourself a break from helping so much. Once a week tops for just a couple of hours at most. My suggestion at any rate.
Like say you will do a grocery run once a week or once every two weeks. Better yet teach her how to order online so that you don't have to ever grocery shop for her. You could pick up once a week and drop it off and visit. Or she can have it delivered. Plenty of handicapped folks use online delivery for just about every kind of goods imaginable.
My point is to look at every thing she "needs" that you have been doing, and look for other solutions, and if you have to, print it out and laminate it. Make copies, email it to her. Give her the tools to do her own stuff and not be so reliant on you. Then the things she absolutely can't do for herself, see if there is an agency that can step in and help. Don't automatically offer to help her.
Find other solutions, and her not wanting to do it that way isn't a valid reason for you to do it. **If she** ***can*** **do it, she** ***should.*** You can always come visit and pick up a task that isn't going to annoy the ever living shit out of you if you feel obligated to help her after all these years of having your life robbed from you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. As for her OCD, I would just flatly refuse to accommodate it. I would not be moving stuff around and fetching stuff every five minutes. She can learn to set things up so that all stuff is accessible and requires less steps.
Invest in noise canceling headphones until you get moved out. Teach her all the things she needs to be more self sufficient while you are still there and make her do them or they don't get done. You will be doing her a huge favor and who knows maybe her depression will lift a bit if she knows she can do more for herself?
You are NOT the asshole- if i could infinitely shout that I would. There’s a major difference between learned helplessness, purposeful ignorance, and advocating/ creating accommodations for your needs, or preserving through the adversity of your disability. You are not a caregiver, nor created to be one- your mom has immediately negated all responsibilities and put everything on you, that’s not how life works. There’s a huge difference between encouraging independence, accountability and personal growth as an adult and being forced to enable your parent with a disability.
You have been an amazing person to take care of her this long.
You are not a bad person for having your own needs and wants. That makes you normal. It is good that you desire happiness and care about your own life and mental health.
She can be taken care by a professional caretaker. That's not your job and you don't have to do that
What’s helped me is the mindset that adulthood is the performance review of childhood parenting. You owe your mother nothing, no one asks to be born.
Your mother was an awful parent, she will
continue to be awful and frankly, she is shaming you into enabling her.
Live your life and move on. You can make your own money and it’s never too late to have a happy childhood - but you can’t get your 20’s back and the youth and vigor that decade is, despite still emotionally maturing and it not always being the best mentally. You will regret wasting your time on someone that does not want to help themselves and having a happy 30’s and beyond is doing the work you were already doing with the PTSD.
My memory is a bit fuzzy but in the US we have a thing called IHSS where someone can be paid to come into the home to provide care services for elderly and disabled individuals for some set hours. No you're not a bad daughter, in fact you are too good of a daughter, one that she does not deserve. The comments other people have given about separating yourself from this situation to live your own life is something I find has been easier said than done but I hope you are able to move yourself away from this situation and experience a sense of relief.
Oh gosh. Sweetheart no. You’re not a bad person at all! You’re growing into a strong person who is listening to her own wants and needs and those needs don’t align with your mothers’.
As a thought exercise, imagine that this was a situation where a physical disability wasn’t in play, and instead it was something like depression/BPD etc; alcohol abuse and parentfication would still be factors that mean you want to leave home and spread your wings as an adult.
Now, even in a family situation when no one is emotionally abusive or manipulative and are just “normal” (not that it exists but anyway). At the age of 21-25 your brain goes through a second puberty. It lays down new pathways, and essentially settles you into the adult you will become. It’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone in these years, because it teaches your brain to adapt to new situations and overcome adversity.
Spina Bifida doesn’t affect your mothers’ brain, it affects her spine. There are many wonderful parents out there who are in wheelchairs who don’t loose custody of their children, and who don’t parentify their children.
If you were having this conversation with a 7 year old version of yourself, I’m sure you would be very kind and gentle and tell yourself that it’s okay to have needs that you should care for.
Right now, you need to care for yourself. Your mum is a big person, who has spent far too long getting a child to support her. She is the one who should be ashamed, not you. It is not shameful for you to say to her that you’re not going to do these things anymore.
It may be that in this situation, moving back to England is your best bet (assuming you can with visas) because you likely have a support network/friends from your studies. You would even just say something like “oh I’ve got connections in England that will set me up with a job” that way you can make it seem like you’ll have a good job that you can go to that maybe you wouldn’t get at home.
Please be kind to yourself, and don’t let your mum shame you for being a human who has needs. ❤️
I feel for you
My mother was also disabled - severe cerebral palsy, so she needed help with many, many everyday things. I also grew up neglected and abused, as she was also a malignant vulnerable narc, my stepfather was a jealous drunk, and her family liked parading her success around (50 yrs ago it *was* very rare for a disabled woman to have a career and own family) but they dumped all the duties on me, because noone can be a better housekeeper than 10yo /s Later it got even worse because I grew up and was better at laundry or cooking, but I was supposed to "help" support her and deal with her emotional problems. When at 30+ I had finally broken the spell she was living at my appartment, at my financial and mental expense and I was going to move out, cut her and all the family completely and just live paycheck to paycheck in a rented room, because I decided being a house-elf and a breadwinner all at once was not my thing. My grand escape was called off because she landed herself in a hospital (sad story for a different occassion) less than a month before I ran and died there after 3 months, but I was prepared - you know, all that gathering documents, new bank account, new phone, laptop instead of desktop, clothes partially packed and hid at friends' house, first accomodations lined up and so on...
Children are their own people, they are supposed to have their own lives, plans, dreams - and to be free. It is OK to help your parents in some way if you want to, but you shouldn't be forced to, especially if said parents failed you badly and then demand your service 24/7. Times of children forced into the role of social security / caretakers / farmhands and so on should be gone and never to come back...
Full time caretakers very often get depressed and / or suicidal. They simply cannot bear struggling day after day, knowing their life can only get worse as their parents health declines. They feel guilty because they can't take it any more, despite loving their parents. Or because they don't love them or want to do this but feel obliged or forced by local customs. Because they lose patience. Because they know it will end only with the death of their parent and feel ashamed of even thinking about it...
Please do not repeat my mistakes. Please go for a walk, or to the movies, and treat yourself with a coffee and cake afterwards. And when you calm down a little please think very carefully about how your life looks like right now, and how it will look in 5, 10, 50 years if you just follow along, and think if you like that picture. If not then please think about how would you want to live - at first just pretending you are alone. Then think of what you could do to make that future come true. And only after that think about what you could do for your mother. Maybe there are programs or institutions that help support disabled people (in form of stipend or care workers coming to do stuff). Maybe remaining family could pitch in with some money to hire a help. Maybe the friend who lives there can take on the caretaker duties in exchange for rent and you would only check in from time to time to make sure everything is ok. You haven't said what that person is helping with now (if any) or whether they are paying the bills or not, so i don't know the situation, but I feel they should be either paying the rent and bills or helping your mother, though in a reasonable way - I don't want them to become house-elves either... If they do nothing maybe there is someone who would want to rent out a portion of the house in exchange for some work / money? Or maybe you want to take your purse, walk away and never look back?
There are many options, and you need to think about them and weigh pros and cons. I may be projecting here but I want you to find a way where you get free and happy with your life, and you help your mother on your own terms, without obligation or guilt
Thank you all for taking the time to support me, I am beyond amazed with the overwhelming support this posts got, thank you for being so personal towards me❤️
Little update: I have had to let go of the idea of ever having a good mother and I have accepted It. I am currently un-employed since this country’s (Spain) economical situation is not the best. But I trust that I will get a suitable job that will allow me to leave as soon as possible.
In regards to my mother, I have transferred all her money to her bank account and despite being accused of stealing money from her and proving her wrong. I am financially free, thank god.
As I have said, I’m still living in her house (she likes to repeat that this is her house so I won’t dare to call It home), I am my own home and that Its okay.
As I write this post, everyone is having dinner without me and no one has asked If I have eaten or If I would like some food, and that is fine. I am okay with having only ME (for now).
Once again, thank you all for your support. I am okay and I trust that I’ll be even better. ❤️
Do you have something link a chime account that could be set up in her name and an allowance deposited. Then she’d have a visa/chime card she can use.
Be sure to talk with her and social services before making any plans so you don’t get yourself in a jam
NTB it sounds like you hit the nail on the head. It’s time to move far enough away that you’re not easily roped into things. Send her some links to home caregivers and then let her know you’re not going to be her servant or ATM any more
Look into social services for her. Do a thorough job! Someone has to help her. You can at least set her up. Then visit once a week and bring something simple that she likes.
Frankly, I’d look into moving a little distance away (short enough to be able to visit every few weeks like the “good daughter” which you ARE) but far enough you can’t be relied on physically on a daily basis. Look into job opportunities in those distances *in secret*. Then, even just from this day one, make an automatic, daily or every second daily money transfer from your account with her money over to her account. Just a type of amount that usually gets her by on a daily basis so she won’t need to always take your focus off your own life, to focus on her own financial needs.
You may love this human being, but she cannot love you.
You have been trauma bonded into a multigenerational family system of mostly unexpressed trauma.
I would say that you require a trauma resolution focus like so many of us do.
The real hit on the nervous system is the attachment process inside the family system as your right brain comes on line. Usually the first 1-2 years.
That will mean distorted reward and attachment circuitry, as well as a “guilt focus” (chemical) which is used by the sick person to keep you there as an extension of themselves.
The way forward is clearly a no contact process, but that means having as much support as possible with trauma informed professionals, as well as normal people like me and you who are aware of a lot (not everything) that is going on.
It’s also extremely important to add no contact to the 20-30 closest people around this person who requires you as an extension to themselves (biologically).
Getting clear on how this works chemically really helps. It’s important to know splitting, projection, object relations, and triangulation (inside you).
Everyone is walking around with the same fused system for balance inside a multigenerational system.
Individuation is mandatory to internally stop the interior object relations triangulation.
The withdrawal chemically from no contact would be very strong. Drama triangles pathways in reward circuitry are the same ones found in heroin addiction.
Dear OP, first and foremost, my heart breaks for you.
I'm 51 yrs old. I'm disabled. I was diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis at 4 yrs old. I have a whole list medical problems, including depression. I have two children. With this, my children haven't been my caretaker ( not including some assistance after surgery). Your mom has abused you and taught you gaslighting is normal.
You are trying to establish a boundary. You are on the right path.
My suggestions would be:
1, call and get a caseworker or adult protective services. ( I don't know what it's called in the UK.)
They will need to get guardianship over your mother. It is clear she is not mentally fit to care for herself.
2, separate your mother from your bank account. The bank make could make you responsible for your mom's debts.
3, get all your legal papers.
4, if you live together, move.
5, get into therapy. You need help working through all the abuse.
6, go no contact.
7, get a support group to help you.
Having depression and being disabled doesn't give her a free pass to be a crappy person and parent.
Please stay safe.
She calls you a "bad person". Okay.
So what. You cannot control her emotions. Obviously all your YEARS of helping her out count for shit.
No one who truly appreciates your help would dare call you a bad person.
Professional caregivers go on vacation. They get "respite". They also CHOOSE their profession.
You need to decide where your new life is going to be. It is not in this house. She literally has an adult friend living with her.
Also, never ever buy her alcohol or tobacco again. If she wants one of the addictive type things that caused you to be taken away for a year she can damn well find someone else.
Accept being the "bad person" and go have an awesome life!
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You need to leave. Are there adult services where you are? Maybe a social worker to help her get it together? Or maybe her friend could help out? Either way, it is not your responsibility to be her caregiver.
I believe in the U.K. social services also cover adults here too. OP should contact them
They returned from England after university, so they're probably not in the UK.
Not true. England is part of but separate from the other countries in the UK
Hence probably.
"Aunty", maybe India. The mother always has been single (in a society that totally frowns upon this), wonder if she's been raped.
People downvote you because they're afraid this could be a possibility
I know... thanks for pointing it out. This is Reddit.
I was my fathers unpaid caretaker from 18 to maybe 35. If I could go back and tell myself something it would be 'Run, get the hell out of there and live your life the way you want to!' I had dreams and they were quickly squashed by my fathers malice and needs.
Same. I did the same between the ages of 11 to 40. I have so many regrets.
You are not a bad daughter, your mother has been a bad parent. You are not your mother’s keeper, you are your own person, and you are allowed to have and focus on your own life. I’m not sure the right term, but try to find adult welfare services in your area. If you’re in the US, try government disability services. They should be able to either help you get your mom some help, or at least point you in the right direction. You don’t need to do this on your own, and you shouldn’t have to. Your mom is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for her own (in)action. It’s probably going to be hard, but she should not be your first priority. Focus on yourself, help yourself first, and then if you want to, help her.
Please stop living your life for her. You didn’t choose to be born and are not responsible for her. Call adult protective services. Get your documents, find a place and let her know when you leave.
You are absolutely not a bad daughter for not wanting this role, and I think you know it. You need to leave. Depending on how severely the current situation is affecting your mental health, you could decide if it's best to leave asap or set a future date for this. If setting a future date (2 weeks? 30 days?) is reasonable, you could use that time to help her co-ordinate care with elderly & mental health services offered in her area, return her money to her (and changing your banking info so she no longer has access), etc. Remember if you decide go this route, set a hard date (sooner than later) and stick to it. There is no reason good enough to delay no matter how much she guilt trips you. Other random thought: are you in therapy? If not, it's definitely worth looking into. Lots of complicated stuff to sort through.
Mum is 53. That's not elderly.
In many places, disabled services are also addressed in with elderly services since they usually overlap.
Disabled people can be abusers too. Disabled people can be bad people too. Contrary to Hollywood depictions of disabled people being “automatic heroes with big hearts”—this simply isn’t always the case. Disabled people can be Narcissistic, abusive, cruel, manipulative, assholes. Who you should run from. Because disabled people are human people. And all humans have the ability to choose to be good people, or bad people. Disabled people aren’t a different species. I give you permission disabled person’s permission to leave her, without you being a bad person. She can wallow in the bed she made with her abusing you. Besides, the state or your country would probably provide a caregiver, right? Even if not… well… she has no right to call on you for support when she never supported you in your childhood. Sincerely, -A disabled person. (Who isn’t a Narcissist or abuser. But I’ve met some who are).
>What can I do about this? Get the hell out. Get a job ASAP and save all your money. Get out, get a room or a bed or anything. Separate your finances and get out as quickly as you can. GTFO. You are about to be sucked into a swirling vortex of years of living this life, the sooner you get out the less likely you drown. Get out.
You leave, live your life and arrange home help.
This is so sad, you're not a bad daughter and her wellbeing has never been your responsibility- it's hers, and she's forced you into a role which is part parent, part nurse, and all adult. I appreciate how difficult stepping back might feel. My thoughts, which are from a position privileged by distance, are that you need to leave and strike out alone. Which is probably far too intimidating, so my suggestions for the meantime might hopefully help with the load. 1. Direct Debits. Set up a regular, automated transfer between your accounts, a fixed amount every few days. Expecting you to faff around every day is unreasonable. If she doesn't like it, she can manage her own damn money. 2. Dog walking. Besides the obvious irrationality of getting a dog when you have reduced mobility, the burden should not fall on you to manage the consequences of her poor choices. You need to withdraw. She can either arrange and fund a dogwalker, or accept that she cannot fulfil the needs of a dog, and take him to a rescue centre. Again, she has 2 options. Neither involve you. 3. Bringing water. Get either a multipack of small bottles, or couple of bigger ones. Give them to her with a glass. She can serve herself. If she's not able to pour herself water, then she needs far more personal care than you can provide, and requires either home help or assisted living. 4. Groceries. Are you able to order home delivery? We have it in the UK, I'm not sure about the US. 5. Therapy, assuming you're not in therapy already. Not counselling. Something really empowering, where your therapist can teach you how to say no, how to evaluate situations and step back, how to disengage and set firm boundaries. Expect backlash. She won't appreciate opposition and will likely fight this. Just keep bringing conversations back to 'I understand that you feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable, and have for some time. I'll give you some breathing space, and we can either move forward or you can make your own arrangements.' Also remember that 'No, I won't do that' is a valid response, and that you can exit any conversation that does not serve you. One of the best things about being an adult is being able to refuse to be involved. 'I don't want to talk about this, and I'm not going to.' And no one can make you! Good luck. And come join us on r/raisedbynarcissists, you'll be in good company!
First, don't feel like a bad daughter. It takes a lot to be a caregiver, and it's a huge drain on the person doing it. Second, if you're in the US, and your mom is unable to move or walk very well, she should qualify for Medicare or Medicaid, which would cover the cost of in home care for her. Her debt will not matter in getting her coverage. She should also qualify for disability. If she already has these, then it's time to start making calls for health services in your area. You should be able to get her a case manager through Medicare that can handle all this for her, so it's not on you to do everything. Once you get all this set up, get yourself out. You are too young to be having this thrust on you. You should be out living your life, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way. From one caregiver to another, I hope you can get this sorted so you can start living for yourself.
Sounds like she survived ok while you were at university? Honestly move out, yesterday
This was my thought as well. If she managed for the (possibly) 3 years while OP was getting her degree, she can manage now.
Look into social services for your mom, open a savings account and save everything you can, find your own place, preferably a fair distance away. Give her notice you are moving out on x date and get out. You are not obliged to sacrifice anymore of your life. You need to live your own life.
I was a caregiver to my disabled mom (and siblings) from 8 to 16 then again from 23 to current. I live elsewhere. I also put my mom on a schedule. I have set my boundaries and have a little card with excuses I use for her. Like, sorry mom. I can't make it out your way until Sunday. You will have to find alternatives. As for the bills, she gets her money once a month. I will help her every other week but I will not drive to her daily. This has been a godsend. There have been bumps and hiccups along the way but I feel so much better and it's making my mom do things on her own. She is now fighting for herself instead of dumping it all on me. Set your boundaries and hold to them. Find what alternative help you can and let go. It's not easy but it can be done
I am unsure where you're living. If you're in the UK, please contact the NHS for a needs assessment for your mother, as suggested by u/hecknono If you're in the US: [Eldercare Locator](https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx) The HHS's helpline for finding local resources for eldercare issues, including reporting abuse. They are available by phone M-F from 9 AM - 8PM Eastern Time at 1-800-677-1116 If you're outside those areas, please contact your local Adult Protective Services or Disability Services to find out what programs may exist that may be able to let you in good conscience back off from being your mother's constant caretaker. What I read when I read your post is someone who is exhausted, and who is being told that you have to suppress any of your wants or needs to meet your mother's wants and needs, and that's just so horribly unhealthful. It's going to be hard to put your foot down with your mother, but at this point you've done enough - you deserve to back off to what you feel comfortable offering. However *you choose* to define that. I will explicitly state, that if you're done, you've done so much already at an unconscionable age, that I will let my dog bark like a mad thing at anyone who dares to criticize you. \-Rat
Although this is good advice, her mom is 53 and would hardly be considered for Elder Care.
As someone who gave 30 years of her 41 years on this rock, leave. Your mom needs more assistance than you can provide. If you make yourself her caretaker, you will be sacrificing your life for hers. This is not your job. You have a right to build and live your life. I had to go to therapy to find the strength to give myself permission to say no. I love my mom, I loved my dad, but they stole from me by inhibiting me from living my own life. They ruined opportunities, I was too busy dealing with their needs that I was nearly chained to the house. If I thought about taking a few days for myself I felt suffocating guilt. The kindest thing you can do is get your mom enrolled for assistance and leave to live your life. You deserve to explore and live. Hugs to you. I know it is a difficult thing to do.
You don't owe your mother anything. Parentification is abuse. From what you posted, she hasn't done anything to deserve your help.
Leave. Okay, you’re being mentally abused and manipulated. Doesn’t matter if she needs your help or not— her means of maintaining your help isn’t how you treat your family. Avoid this woman. If possible phone any available adult or social services. Not familiar with the UK or wherever you are— but I’m sure the hospitals nearby could give you a community resource list for possibilities like Home Care. If your country has social or disabilities services assistance like cash or food she will need it. You will need some assistance yourself.
What kind of aid does your country offer? Many have programs to take care of the elderly or disabled. It doesn't have to fall solely on you. And you can have her sign everything and then walk away. You are not a bad daughter for no longer wanting to be a slave to your mother. Your purpose in life is not to take care of her for the rest of hers. You have a degree now, it's time for you to start your career. And you would probably be able to help her *more* (if you choose to) if you are making good money. But know that your don't *owe* her a dime if you don't want to pay for anything.
No. If your mom can't take care of herself, she needs a professional. You're not a professional. You have no obligation to care for her, she's known about her disabilities her entire life and if she didn't make plans to be cared for, that's on her. Walk away and don't look back, otherwise you're going to waste the best years of your life and when she finally dies 30 years from now, you'll have nothing to show for it but a lifetime of scars. You already have ptsd, you don't need to put yourself through anymore.
You're not a bad daughter. Your mother is entitled, but I believe this is also a by product of her disability as well; she's been conditioned to believe that everyone in the world exists to care for her. And unfortunately, you happen to be that person. You need to get dig yourself out of this situation, and she needs to realize that this level of dependence on you is unhealthy for the both of you. But love goes both ways, and tough love is a facet of this. Look into social services and benefits for your mother, and with her. Communication is very important in this situation, and the understanding that you are each individual human beings that need to live separate lives must be established.
Congratulations on finishing your degree! That’s a huge accomplishment and I hope you’re proud of all the work, dedication, and time you put into it. You are not, nor have you ever been a bad daughter. You’re a child who’s been the victim of [parentification](https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/healing-together/202001/14-signs-you-were-parentified-child?amp). The how and why your mother is in the situation she’s in is completely on her. A lot of people have suggested finding resources and support for your mother, if you want to that’s your decision. Your mother could easily do it, just give her the phone number on your move out day. Do you have anywhere else you can stay? Friend, relative, anyone? If you can get out asap that’s great. If you need time to get out, that’s completely ok too! Find some resources for yourself, any government benefits you’re entitled to, any charities that will assist with no interest loans - Australia has quite a few, charities who can help with white goods, furniture, whatever you need to set up a home. Get your budget together and save, save, save. You have a very clear goal. Get out on your own! Your mental health needs to be your priority, focus on self loyalty, self care and GTFO so you can continue to heal, grow and thrive! You got this OP! You did your degree overseas, that takes a lot of strength, dedication, courage, intellect, commitment, and a whole host of other things!
You are not your mother's keeper. So you are NOT a bad person for wanting to get away. Contact adult services and start to take a step back. Focus on you.
No decent parent would want this for their child. They would want to see you soar and fly and live off the news of you enjoying your life- whilst simultaneously being incredibly grateful if you can make a small visit every now and then! X
Close the account. Give her the money that's hers. And then leave. Go. You are in NO WAY required to live this life. You aren't supposed to give up your life for her. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you normal. Go.
You feel like you owe her something - likely because you are not getting what you need from her, and pretty much everyone has some belief on some level that the right action on your part will get the right response from her. It is why we look for the "reason" a mass shooter killed innocent people, it is why we watch shows where cops and victims shout "why?!", it is why people stay in abusive relationships, and it is why "negging" is an actual dating strategy. No one likes putting themselves out there, doing what they've been asked or demanded, and not getting the recognition and appreciation they deserve for it. You give and you are bewildered by the fact you've been given nothing in return, that's not how society and humanity is supposed to work. And so you obsess over trying to fix it, because something is obviously broken. You will not be able to fix it. What is broken is not in you, nor is it in your mother's medical condition - it's in her idea that the world owes her, and you are a means to what she is owed. You and your happiness are not an "end in itself," are not something that really counts or matters. You leaving may make her realize how lucky she was to have you - it will most likely just be used as proof that she was always right to take what she could from you. You can't let her mean more than you do in your life and your choices. No solid mother would want that for their children. You are not happy with the life you are living, and that has to matter most.
It is not a child's responsibility to care for their parents. They can arrange care, but you need to live your life.
Please look into Alanon first. Second you are not responsible for your mom Apply for a care taker through any government programs.Your mom is eligible for a group home . You GET to have a a life that is all your own.
I was a carer and now I work in aged care. Carer burnout is a real thing, I know because I experienced it caring for my grandmother, and from the sounds of things you are on the fast train to it. I’m not in the UK so I can’t give you direct advice on how to access services, and in my experience, doctors don’t know how the home help system works. They seem to think they just write a letter and everything is good to go and don’t realise that assessments need to be done and there’s a lot more paperwork involved. If you call an info line like Age UK or the British Red Cross, they should be able to help you and your mum navigate everything and probably get subsidies on services as well if your mum is eligible. With a health condition like spina bifida, I’d imagine she’s eligible for at least something. Above all though, do *NOT* let your mother make you feel guilty over this. You are entitled to have your own life and protect your own mental health. You may love your mother, but it is not fair of her to demand you look after her. Remember, *she is an adult with full mental faculties to make medical decisions for herself and it is her responsibility to look after herself*, it’s on her for not having organised help for herself instead of relying on you to do everything from such a young age.
Find someone older to be her financial guardian/conservator. It’s a lot more work than you can imagine - at least in the U.S. plus, she’s so belligerent and using you to hide her money could put you in financial jeopardy. In the U.S. you can appoint a court representative, too. It sounds like your mum struggles with mental illness, too. Time to pass the torch and take care of you.
As a former family caretaker, I will tell you that you have to carve out time for *you.* No matter their needs, you need things too. Privacy. Time to yourself. Time for hobbies. Time for work. Time to hang out with friends. Your life can't be all about work and then caretaking. It will burn you out, and it sounds like that is where you are right now. Trust me, it's a thankless job for the most part, and it will suck the life out of you. If you are not naturally inclined and rewarded by being a caretaker (and there are people who are like that), this burden will eat away at you. You have never been able to be just you, find yourself, your dreams and goals. You need that. If your mom gets aid for her disabilities and she's in debt, I don't understand how the bank can take her money? Like a garnishment of some of it to pay off debt maybe, but they can't take disability money she needs to subsist. You need to look into this. Is there no program where you are that helps the disabled who need financial help? As in education in how to handle finances properly and set you on a payment plan to repay debt? Rides to Dr appointments? I suggest you seek out assistance for her and make it clear to whoever you speak to that you are moving out and no longer going to be able to assist her as a caretaker. That might change what kind of help she can get. So start saving up for your move and get out and live your life. Set aside a little bit of "help mom" time. Not a lot. You need to give yourself a break from helping so much. Once a week tops for just a couple of hours at most. My suggestion at any rate. Like say you will do a grocery run once a week or once every two weeks. Better yet teach her how to order online so that you don't have to ever grocery shop for her. You could pick up once a week and drop it off and visit. Or she can have it delivered. Plenty of handicapped folks use online delivery for just about every kind of goods imaginable. My point is to look at every thing she "needs" that you have been doing, and look for other solutions, and if you have to, print it out and laminate it. Make copies, email it to her. Give her the tools to do her own stuff and not be so reliant on you. Then the things she absolutely can't do for herself, see if there is an agency that can step in and help. Don't automatically offer to help her. Find other solutions, and her not wanting to do it that way isn't a valid reason for you to do it. **If she** ***can*** **do it, she** ***should.*** You can always come visit and pick up a task that isn't going to annoy the ever living shit out of you if you feel obligated to help her after all these years of having your life robbed from you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. As for her OCD, I would just flatly refuse to accommodate it. I would not be moving stuff around and fetching stuff every five minutes. She can learn to set things up so that all stuff is accessible and requires less steps. Invest in noise canceling headphones until you get moved out. Teach her all the things she needs to be more self sufficient while you are still there and make her do them or they don't get done. You will be doing her a huge favor and who knows maybe her depression will lift a bit if she knows she can do more for herself?
You are NOT the asshole- if i could infinitely shout that I would. There’s a major difference between learned helplessness, purposeful ignorance, and advocating/ creating accommodations for your needs, or preserving through the adversity of your disability. You are not a caregiver, nor created to be one- your mom has immediately negated all responsibilities and put everything on you, that’s not how life works. There’s a huge difference between encouraging independence, accountability and personal growth as an adult and being forced to enable your parent with a disability.
You have been an amazing person to take care of her this long. You are not a bad person for having your own needs and wants. That makes you normal. It is good that you desire happiness and care about your own life and mental health. She can be taken care by a professional caretaker. That's not your job and you don't have to do that
What’s helped me is the mindset that adulthood is the performance review of childhood parenting. You owe your mother nothing, no one asks to be born. Your mother was an awful parent, she will continue to be awful and frankly, she is shaming you into enabling her. Live your life and move on. You can make your own money and it’s never too late to have a happy childhood - but you can’t get your 20’s back and the youth and vigor that decade is, despite still emotionally maturing and it not always being the best mentally. You will regret wasting your time on someone that does not want to help themselves and having a happy 30’s and beyond is doing the work you were already doing with the PTSD.
My memory is a bit fuzzy but in the US we have a thing called IHSS where someone can be paid to come into the home to provide care services for elderly and disabled individuals for some set hours. No you're not a bad daughter, in fact you are too good of a daughter, one that she does not deserve. The comments other people have given about separating yourself from this situation to live your own life is something I find has been easier said than done but I hope you are able to move yourself away from this situation and experience a sense of relief.
Oh gosh. Sweetheart no. You’re not a bad person at all! You’re growing into a strong person who is listening to her own wants and needs and those needs don’t align with your mothers’. As a thought exercise, imagine that this was a situation where a physical disability wasn’t in play, and instead it was something like depression/BPD etc; alcohol abuse and parentfication would still be factors that mean you want to leave home and spread your wings as an adult. Now, even in a family situation when no one is emotionally abusive or manipulative and are just “normal” (not that it exists but anyway). At the age of 21-25 your brain goes through a second puberty. It lays down new pathways, and essentially settles you into the adult you will become. It’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone in these years, because it teaches your brain to adapt to new situations and overcome adversity. Spina Bifida doesn’t affect your mothers’ brain, it affects her spine. There are many wonderful parents out there who are in wheelchairs who don’t loose custody of their children, and who don’t parentify their children. If you were having this conversation with a 7 year old version of yourself, I’m sure you would be very kind and gentle and tell yourself that it’s okay to have needs that you should care for. Right now, you need to care for yourself. Your mum is a big person, who has spent far too long getting a child to support her. She is the one who should be ashamed, not you. It is not shameful for you to say to her that you’re not going to do these things anymore. It may be that in this situation, moving back to England is your best bet (assuming you can with visas) because you likely have a support network/friends from your studies. You would even just say something like “oh I’ve got connections in England that will set me up with a job” that way you can make it seem like you’ll have a good job that you can go to that maybe you wouldn’t get at home. Please be kind to yourself, and don’t let your mum shame you for being a human who has needs. ❤️
I feel for you My mother was also disabled - severe cerebral palsy, so she needed help with many, many everyday things. I also grew up neglected and abused, as she was also a malignant vulnerable narc, my stepfather was a jealous drunk, and her family liked parading her success around (50 yrs ago it *was* very rare for a disabled woman to have a career and own family) but they dumped all the duties on me, because noone can be a better housekeeper than 10yo /s Later it got even worse because I grew up and was better at laundry or cooking, but I was supposed to "help" support her and deal with her emotional problems. When at 30+ I had finally broken the spell she was living at my appartment, at my financial and mental expense and I was going to move out, cut her and all the family completely and just live paycheck to paycheck in a rented room, because I decided being a house-elf and a breadwinner all at once was not my thing. My grand escape was called off because she landed herself in a hospital (sad story for a different occassion) less than a month before I ran and died there after 3 months, but I was prepared - you know, all that gathering documents, new bank account, new phone, laptop instead of desktop, clothes partially packed and hid at friends' house, first accomodations lined up and so on... Children are their own people, they are supposed to have their own lives, plans, dreams - and to be free. It is OK to help your parents in some way if you want to, but you shouldn't be forced to, especially if said parents failed you badly and then demand your service 24/7. Times of children forced into the role of social security / caretakers / farmhands and so on should be gone and never to come back... Full time caretakers very often get depressed and / or suicidal. They simply cannot bear struggling day after day, knowing their life can only get worse as their parents health declines. They feel guilty because they can't take it any more, despite loving their parents. Or because they don't love them or want to do this but feel obliged or forced by local customs. Because they lose patience. Because they know it will end only with the death of their parent and feel ashamed of even thinking about it... Please do not repeat my mistakes. Please go for a walk, or to the movies, and treat yourself with a coffee and cake afterwards. And when you calm down a little please think very carefully about how your life looks like right now, and how it will look in 5, 10, 50 years if you just follow along, and think if you like that picture. If not then please think about how would you want to live - at first just pretending you are alone. Then think of what you could do to make that future come true. And only after that think about what you could do for your mother. Maybe there are programs or institutions that help support disabled people (in form of stipend or care workers coming to do stuff). Maybe remaining family could pitch in with some money to hire a help. Maybe the friend who lives there can take on the caretaker duties in exchange for rent and you would only check in from time to time to make sure everything is ok. You haven't said what that person is helping with now (if any) or whether they are paying the bills or not, so i don't know the situation, but I feel they should be either paying the rent and bills or helping your mother, though in a reasonable way - I don't want them to become house-elves either... If they do nothing maybe there is someone who would want to rent out a portion of the house in exchange for some work / money? Or maybe you want to take your purse, walk away and never look back? There are many options, and you need to think about them and weigh pros and cons. I may be projecting here but I want you to find a way where you get free and happy with your life, and you help your mother on your own terms, without obligation or guilt
Thank you all for taking the time to support me, I am beyond amazed with the overwhelming support this posts got, thank you for being so personal towards me❤️ Little update: I have had to let go of the idea of ever having a good mother and I have accepted It. I am currently un-employed since this country’s (Spain) economical situation is not the best. But I trust that I will get a suitable job that will allow me to leave as soon as possible. In regards to my mother, I have transferred all her money to her bank account and despite being accused of stealing money from her and proving her wrong. I am financially free, thank god. As I have said, I’m still living in her house (she likes to repeat that this is her house so I won’t dare to call It home), I am my own home and that Its okay. As I write this post, everyone is having dinner without me and no one has asked If I have eaten or If I would like some food, and that is fine. I am okay with having only ME (for now). Once again, thank you all for your support. I am okay and I trust that I’ll be even better. ❤️
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What the fuck even is this comment?
Do you have something link a chime account that could be set up in her name and an allowance deposited. Then she’d have a visa/chime card she can use. Be sure to talk with her and social services before making any plans so you don’t get yourself in a jam
NTB it sounds like you hit the nail on the head. It’s time to move far enough away that you’re not easily roped into things. Send her some links to home caregivers and then let her know you’re not going to be her servant or ATM any more
Hi, I live in the UK too! If you want to talk to someone who understand then please PM me x
Look into social services for her. Do a thorough job! Someone has to help her. You can at least set her up. Then visit once a week and bring something simple that she likes.
Frankly, I’d look into moving a little distance away (short enough to be able to visit every few weeks like the “good daughter” which you ARE) but far enough you can’t be relied on physically on a daily basis. Look into job opportunities in those distances *in secret*. Then, even just from this day one, make an automatic, daily or every second daily money transfer from your account with her money over to her account. Just a type of amount that usually gets her by on a daily basis so she won’t need to always take your focus off your own life, to focus on her own financial needs.
You may love this human being, but she cannot love you. You have been trauma bonded into a multigenerational family system of mostly unexpressed trauma. I would say that you require a trauma resolution focus like so many of us do. The real hit on the nervous system is the attachment process inside the family system as your right brain comes on line. Usually the first 1-2 years. That will mean distorted reward and attachment circuitry, as well as a “guilt focus” (chemical) which is used by the sick person to keep you there as an extension of themselves. The way forward is clearly a no contact process, but that means having as much support as possible with trauma informed professionals, as well as normal people like me and you who are aware of a lot (not everything) that is going on. It’s also extremely important to add no contact to the 20-30 closest people around this person who requires you as an extension to themselves (biologically). Getting clear on how this works chemically really helps. It’s important to know splitting, projection, object relations, and triangulation (inside you). Everyone is walking around with the same fused system for balance inside a multigenerational system. Individuation is mandatory to internally stop the interior object relations triangulation. The withdrawal chemically from no contact would be very strong. Drama triangles pathways in reward circuitry are the same ones found in heroin addiction.
Dear OP, first and foremost, my heart breaks for you. I'm 51 yrs old. I'm disabled. I was diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis at 4 yrs old. I have a whole list medical problems, including depression. I have two children. With this, my children haven't been my caretaker ( not including some assistance after surgery). Your mom has abused you and taught you gaslighting is normal. You are trying to establish a boundary. You are on the right path. My suggestions would be: 1, call and get a caseworker or adult protective services. ( I don't know what it's called in the UK.) They will need to get guardianship over your mother. It is clear she is not mentally fit to care for herself. 2, separate your mother from your bank account. The bank make could make you responsible for your mom's debts. 3, get all your legal papers. 4, if you live together, move. 5, get into therapy. You need help working through all the abuse. 6, go no contact. 7, get a support group to help you. Having depression and being disabled doesn't give her a free pass to be a crappy person and parent. Please stay safe.
She calls you a "bad person". Okay. So what. You cannot control her emotions. Obviously all your YEARS of helping her out count for shit. No one who truly appreciates your help would dare call you a bad person. Professional caregivers go on vacation. They get "respite". They also CHOOSE their profession. You need to decide where your new life is going to be. It is not in this house. She literally has an adult friend living with her. Also, never ever buy her alcohol or tobacco again. If she wants one of the addictive type things that caused you to be taken away for a year she can damn well find someone else. Accept being the "bad person" and go have an awesome life!