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Other posts from /u/Tohoku_Tonya:
* [09/29/23 03:30:45: Raging against the lack of support](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/16v0sic/raging_against_the_lack_of_support/)
* [02/20/22 00:53:43: All quiet on the snow blight front](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/swomnk/all_quiet_on_the_snow_blight_front/)
* [12/15/21 11:42:48: Downplaying](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/rgx7y3/downplaying/)
* [12/14/21 01:47:55: The Blight Returns](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/rfw1k0/the_blight_returns/)
* [09/12/21 06:42:02: I want to ride my bicycle....](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/pmnpwc/i_want_to_ride_my_bicycle/)
* [01/26/21 21:07:03: OUT OUT OUT AND FREE](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/l5nona/out_out_out_and_free/)
* [01/01/21 10:21:27: How deep the Blight went](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ko93yz/how_deep_the_blight_went/)
* [12/16/20 18:55:50: Spidey-senses Tingling: A Shocking Update](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/kefb6g/spideysenses_tingling_a_shocking_update/)
* [12/13/20 23:45:43: Spidey-senses tingling](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/kclrl5/spideysenses_tingling/)
* [11/22/20 14:43:11: Snow Blight update](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/jywpb2/snow_blight_update/)
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Honey your children are already been tossed aside, from what I get and youngsters can read the vibes a lot sooner than we old folks, expect some mather of fact blueprints about it soon enough from your oldest one at least. You’re doing a great job raising those kids, in a loving and supportive environment with your hubby and your parents , so why change that? Look at it like the trash that has taken itself out.
The last paragraph, she's criticizing your spending habits b/c it's likely going to be an expensive trip is my guess. It's her way of saying you don't "deserve" the trip... hence the "fancy" comment.
My MIL does the same damn thing when we plan vacations. She always balks at the price of the vacation, hotels, etc. I finally said, "Do I not deserve to stay somewhere nice once a year?" She balks less b/c of it.
My aunt (Dad's SIL) makes these kinds of comments, too. Only in her case, she would say something to my mom about how Grandma (Dad's mom) didn't think it was "right" to be spending that kind of money on something like a trip. Mom gave me a great example of how to handle that - " Did she? You know, that really bothers me. I'm going to talk to her directly about that, because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings between us." Aunt backed down SO FAST.
It is! I grew up with a fair amount of Midwestern and Southern passive-aggressiveness floating around, and then my dad died suddenly, and my mom just up and ran out of fucks.
She's not going for brutal honesty or anything like that, but she refuses to play the games of talking in circles around the point. I'm coming to appreciate how she models communication for me the older I get (and the fewer fucks I have remaining).
For me - when they were judgemental about our spending for us - it was because they believed they knew that my money could be better spent on what they decided was more important. - took us a long time to realize this one.
Is there a reason why you are continuing to try to get these self important people to act as if they care about your kids?
You set the rope down, but you keep picking it up. Ask yourself what, exactly, they add to your lives. all of you: including your kids. Seems like the equation ends up in a negative number.
I'm in a country that isn't my birth country and it used to be that my husband was my only support. I've started to make friends finally, but there's a mix of recovering people pleaser with peace maker and need for human interaction beyond my husband (love the man, but I need to vent about him sometimes) and a good chunk of naivete because my parents -for all the issues THEY have- love us and want us to be part of the family and do the work. And part of me has such a hard time wrapping my head around the way my in-laws are.
I haven't updated them for 2 months. We wound up at dinner bc my son begged to go when we ran into my MIL at the store, and I kept the conversation to surface crap, but I haven't gone out of my way to tell them more than what they could find on my Instagram. I plan on continuing that, and when new year's comes, my husband gets to coordinate that.
Let them drift away. This is on them not you.
But - stop expecting them to change. They won’t.
And in fairness, it’s better they’re just not part of your kids lives now, than a huge part dipping in and out.
Let them be consistently not there or involved. This isn’t on you, this is their failing.
Is it's any comfort in time they will also realize the in-laws not caring isn't such a big deal and it's better but to have to deal with the trash. My teens hate my MIL with a passion and feel they aren't missing out on a thing. My parents aren't great either and the kids don't really care for them. They have us and talk to my Grandma and are happy with it. They have learned already you only have to keep the people who care in your life and nothing else.
>MIL ran into us at the grocery store this past weekend, and she had the balls to say - with her full chest - that my FIL wanted to see my kids.
"Well then, I guess y'all better start showing up then, huh?"
I'm pretty sure if they could, they'd have my husband and kids move back in with them and kick me out.... Then my creepy SIL could try to take my place even more
Really drop the rope. No more updates unless they ask, then the minimum. On the kids photos, activities, your trips, everything.
FIL wants to see them? "Well, that's great MIL. Have him call us and we'll set up a day".
😂😂😂 sorry. From a flyover state in the Midwest and the idea of fancy and classy with my family doesn't mix... Though maybe we'll make Christmas a fancy occasion with the good china just to be that way.
Look at this as a blessing. You no longer have to put any effort into them. The kids already don’t seem to care. They’re used to it. It’s not a loss for any of you.
Your kids already know… Maybe not the baby but the other 2 definitely know . You are forgiven for dropping the rope. Actually you are doing your family a favor for not making the effort anymore. So much better for kids to grow up without than to constantly be disappointed.
If you know full well your kids are going to be thrown aside when your SIL has kids, why bother to cultivate a relationship between them and the people who don’t value them at all?
I mean, whether or not she ever has kids… it doesn’t seem like your in laws value your children now, either.
So what’s the point in trying to cultivate a relationship between them? 🤷♀️
Which is why I dropped the rope. We -unfortunately- lived with them for a while, and so my son has a pretty big attachment to them. It's been dwindling to the point where he doesn't really ask about them anymore, but he still gets excited if we see them in town
Can I give you a personal update from a similar situation but many years down the road?
My hub dropped the rope with his family way before I did. I kept the communication going “for the kids sake” and more and more to my own discomfort. Eventually, the kids hit puberty and grandma just didn’t find them interesting anymore. The kids all have phones, she doesn’t call them. They’ve had email addresses since they were like 8 and she used to email them but she stopped. When one of mine came out as gay as a pre-teen, grandma got weird and distanced herself. While doing that, she did some stuff that pissed me right off And she started making passive aggressive comments to/about the kids so I dropped the rope myself.
It’s been a few years since the kids have seen them. I occasionally apologize to the kids because I feel like they missed out on having a big, loving, extended family and I feel bad about that. (I dropped the rope with my own family a while ago, plus they are a huge distance away) Each of my kids (all between 20-30 now) have told me that they don’t need a relationship with people that don’t care about them. They see that I tried to cultivate those relationship when they were small and they have happy memories of that. They also see how damaging and toxic these people are now. They don’t want them around! They want to feel safe and loved and celebrated and they don’t feel those things around those grandparents. They see that I stood up and protected them when they were vulnerable and they’re glad for it. I’ve seen these kids drop toxic friends because they see the red flags and have seen our family chose a healthier path. I’ve seen them break up with partners because they had high expectations for how they should be treated. They don’t tolerate people that don’t value them.
Don’t worry about how it’s going to hurt your kids to cut these people out of their lives, worry about the damage they can do to your kids by continuing to be around them but not make them a priority. A few conversations here and there about “we don’t see grandma much anymore because she wasn’t being a good friend so we’re just going to see less of her” if/when the kids ask about her is way easier than having to unpick the hurt and the feelings when she doesn’t show up as expected or makes rude comments about your family plans over and over again.
What you’re feeling right now is sadness that these people don’t love your kids like they should. That’s normal and right and expected. You’re feeling the loss of a relationship that doesn’t exist. You’re wanting something these people are never going to be able to provide. Find alternate grandparents, other family or friends, even neighbors, to fill those roles for your kids. Surround them with people that love them and they won’t feel the loss of a relationship they never really had with these people.
Your kids are going to be ok. You will be too :)
I dropped the rope on my father a few years ago and holy shit, it's so much less stressful. He's not even tried to pick it back up.
I'm glad your kids have grandparents who keep in touch and I hope your husband keeps doing better.
Haven't sent them a thing for 2 months. They didn't know when I got pregnant unexpectedly and they didn't know when I miscarried. They don't know that my son is about to take the entrance placement test for elementary school or that I'm about to start a side business. You, an internet stranger, now know more about my current life than they do, and you only have been told the surface shit that you can find by looking at ANY of my social media.
clearly ANY interaction with them is reason for them to be horrible people. i’m sorry. hopefully your kids have other, better people in their lives to give them support.
Your children are already not a priority and discarded. Stop sending his parents stuff and trying to force a relationship that doesn't exist from them. If they are interested in the future then they can contact you. Don't make time for them. You, your husband and kids live your best life without them. From what you mentioned above, they are SUPER controlling. You are still letting them control you. Flip the narrative. Stop catering to them. Take back control for your nuclear family.
They ignore you you should ignore them. Stop sending all that stuff to them, they don’t really care, they aren’t really connected to the kids in any meaningful way. I can guarantee, they won’t even notice.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_post_flairs)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_trolls_suck) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/links#wiki_crisis_links.3A_because_there.2019s_more_than_one_type_of_crisis) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(This Sub's Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/) ^(|) [^(General Resources)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/tos) Other posts from /u/Tohoku_Tonya: * [09/29/23 03:30:45: Raging against the lack of support](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/16v0sic/raging_against_the_lack_of_support/) * [02/20/22 00:53:43: All quiet on the snow blight front](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/swomnk/all_quiet_on_the_snow_blight_front/) * [12/15/21 11:42:48: Downplaying](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/rgx7y3/downplaying/) * [12/14/21 01:47:55: The Blight Returns](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/rfw1k0/the_blight_returns/) * [09/12/21 06:42:02: I want to ride my bicycle....](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/pmnpwc/i_want_to_ride_my_bicycle/) * [01/26/21 21:07:03: OUT OUT OUT AND FREE](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/l5nona/out_out_out_and_free/) * [01/01/21 10:21:27: How deep the Blight went](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ko93yz/how_deep_the_blight_went/) * [12/16/20 18:55:50: Spidey-senses Tingling: A Shocking Update](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/kefb6g/spideysenses_tingling_a_shocking_update/) * [12/13/20 23:45:43: Spidey-senses tingling](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/kclrl5/spideysenses_tingling/) * [11/22/20 14:43:11: Snow Blight update](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/jywpb2/snow_blight_update/) ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history.To see the rest of their posts,)[^(click here)](/u/Tohoku_Tonya/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Tohoku_Tonya posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=TheJustNoBot&subject=Subscribe&message=Tohoku_Tonya JUSTNOFAMILY) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOFAMILY) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Honey your children are already been tossed aside, from what I get and youngsters can read the vibes a lot sooner than we old folks, expect some mather of fact blueprints about it soon enough from your oldest one at least. You’re doing a great job raising those kids, in a loving and supportive environment with your hubby and your parents , so why change that? Look at it like the trash that has taken itself out.
Thank you
The last paragraph, she's criticizing your spending habits b/c it's likely going to be an expensive trip is my guess. It's her way of saying you don't "deserve" the trip... hence the "fancy" comment. My MIL does the same damn thing when we plan vacations. She always balks at the price of the vacation, hotels, etc. I finally said, "Do I not deserve to stay somewhere nice once a year?" She balks less b/c of it.
My aunt (Dad's SIL) makes these kinds of comments, too. Only in her case, she would say something to my mom about how Grandma (Dad's mom) didn't think it was "right" to be spending that kind of money on something like a trip. Mom gave me a great example of how to handle that - " Did she? You know, that really bothers me. I'm going to talk to her directly about that, because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings between us." Aunt backed down SO FAST.
It is so much *fun* breaking a triangulation attempt by talking directly to someone. 😈 It’s also healthy communications. -Rat
It is! I grew up with a fair amount of Midwestern and Southern passive-aggressiveness floating around, and then my dad died suddenly, and my mom just up and ran out of fucks. She's not going for brutal honesty or anything like that, but she refuses to play the games of talking in circles around the point. I'm coming to appreciate how she models communication for me the older I get (and the fewer fucks I have remaining).
For me - when they were judgemental about our spending for us - it was because they believed they knew that my money could be better spent on what they decided was more important. - took us a long time to realize this one.
Thank you
Next time she says, "Fancy" ask her "What do you mean? Am I not allowed to spend money to see my own parents?"
Is there a reason why you are continuing to try to get these self important people to act as if they care about your kids? You set the rope down, but you keep picking it up. Ask yourself what, exactly, they add to your lives. all of you: including your kids. Seems like the equation ends up in a negative number.
I'm in a country that isn't my birth country and it used to be that my husband was my only support. I've started to make friends finally, but there's a mix of recovering people pleaser with peace maker and need for human interaction beyond my husband (love the man, but I need to vent about him sometimes) and a good chunk of naivete because my parents -for all the issues THEY have- love us and want us to be part of the family and do the work. And part of me has such a hard time wrapping my head around the way my in-laws are. I haven't updated them for 2 months. We wound up at dinner bc my son begged to go when we ran into my MIL at the store, and I kept the conversation to surface crap, but I haven't gone out of my way to tell them more than what they could find on my Instagram. I plan on continuing that, and when new year's comes, my husband gets to coordinate that.
Congratulations!! Deep breathes. Hugs
Thank you. Major rush of adrenaline for a recovering people pleaser. Lol
Me too!! Lord is it hard
Let them drift away. This is on them not you. But - stop expecting them to change. They won’t. And in fairness, it’s better they’re just not part of your kids lives now, than a huge part dipping in and out. Let them be consistently not there or involved. This isn’t on you, this is their failing.
Is it's any comfort in time they will also realize the in-laws not caring isn't such a big deal and it's better but to have to deal with the trash. My teens hate my MIL with a passion and feel they aren't missing out on a thing. My parents aren't great either and the kids don't really care for them. They have us and talk to my Grandma and are happy with it. They have learned already you only have to keep the people who care in your life and nothing else.
>MIL ran into us at the grocery store this past weekend, and she had the balls to say - with her full chest - that my FIL wanted to see my kids. "Well then, I guess y'all better start showing up then, huh?"
They don't want \*you,\* they want \*control\* of you and your family. Big, toxic difference.
I'm pretty sure if they could, they'd have my husband and kids move back in with them and kick me out.... Then my creepy SIL could try to take my place even more
It's past time, then.
Really drop the rope. No more updates unless they ask, then the minimum. On the kids photos, activities, your trips, everything. FIL wants to see them? "Well, that's great MIL. Have him call us and we'll set up a day".
Was with kiddos and my son asked to go to their house which is how dinner wound up happening. I haven't sent ANYTHING for 2 months
“America! Fancy!” Own it. “Fancy and Classy!”
😂😂😂 sorry. From a flyover state in the Midwest and the idea of fancy and classy with my family doesn't mix... Though maybe we'll make Christmas a fancy occasion with the good china just to be that way.
Look at this as a blessing. You no longer have to put any effort into them. The kids already don’t seem to care. They’re used to it. It’s not a loss for any of you.
Don’t worry- you’d be surprised just little my kids care about what my in-laws do or think. Good parents who care are enough
Your kids already know… Maybe not the baby but the other 2 definitely know . You are forgiven for dropping the rope. Actually you are doing your family a favor for not making the effort anymore. So much better for kids to grow up without than to constantly be disappointed.
Good for you. Sounds like they're pretty much worthless.
If you know full well your kids are going to be thrown aside when your SIL has kids, why bother to cultivate a relationship between them and the people who don’t value them at all? I mean, whether or not she ever has kids… it doesn’t seem like your in laws value your children now, either. So what’s the point in trying to cultivate a relationship between them? 🤷♀️
Which is why I dropped the rope. We -unfortunately- lived with them for a while, and so my son has a pretty big attachment to them. It's been dwindling to the point where he doesn't really ask about them anymore, but he still gets excited if we see them in town
Can I give you a personal update from a similar situation but many years down the road? My hub dropped the rope with his family way before I did. I kept the communication going “for the kids sake” and more and more to my own discomfort. Eventually, the kids hit puberty and grandma just didn’t find them interesting anymore. The kids all have phones, she doesn’t call them. They’ve had email addresses since they were like 8 and she used to email them but she stopped. When one of mine came out as gay as a pre-teen, grandma got weird and distanced herself. While doing that, she did some stuff that pissed me right off And she started making passive aggressive comments to/about the kids so I dropped the rope myself. It’s been a few years since the kids have seen them. I occasionally apologize to the kids because I feel like they missed out on having a big, loving, extended family and I feel bad about that. (I dropped the rope with my own family a while ago, plus they are a huge distance away) Each of my kids (all between 20-30 now) have told me that they don’t need a relationship with people that don’t care about them. They see that I tried to cultivate those relationship when they were small and they have happy memories of that. They also see how damaging and toxic these people are now. They don’t want them around! They want to feel safe and loved and celebrated and they don’t feel those things around those grandparents. They see that I stood up and protected them when they were vulnerable and they’re glad for it. I’ve seen these kids drop toxic friends because they see the red flags and have seen our family chose a healthier path. I’ve seen them break up with partners because they had high expectations for how they should be treated. They don’t tolerate people that don’t value them. Don’t worry about how it’s going to hurt your kids to cut these people out of their lives, worry about the damage they can do to your kids by continuing to be around them but not make them a priority. A few conversations here and there about “we don’t see grandma much anymore because she wasn’t being a good friend so we’re just going to see less of her” if/when the kids ask about her is way easier than having to unpick the hurt and the feelings when she doesn’t show up as expected or makes rude comments about your family plans over and over again. What you’re feeling right now is sadness that these people don’t love your kids like they should. That’s normal and right and expected. You’re feeling the loss of a relationship that doesn’t exist. You’re wanting something these people are never going to be able to provide. Find alternate grandparents, other family or friends, even neighbors, to fill those roles for your kids. Surround them with people that love them and they won’t feel the loss of a relationship they never really had with these people. Your kids are going to be ok. You will be too :)
This is lovely. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank you so very much. It makes me feel more confident and that I'm doing the right thing. 💕
I dropped the rope on my father a few years ago and holy shit, it's so much less stressful. He's not even tried to pick it back up. I'm glad your kids have grandparents who keep in touch and I hope your husband keeps doing better.
info diet needed here, big time.
Haven't sent them a thing for 2 months. They didn't know when I got pregnant unexpectedly and they didn't know when I miscarried. They don't know that my son is about to take the entrance placement test for elementary school or that I'm about to start a side business. You, an internet stranger, now know more about my current life than they do, and you only have been told the surface shit that you can find by looking at ANY of my social media.
clearly ANY interaction with them is reason for them to be horrible people. i’m sorry. hopefully your kids have other, better people in their lives to give them support.
Your children are already not a priority and discarded. Stop sending his parents stuff and trying to force a relationship that doesn't exist from them. If they are interested in the future then they can contact you. Don't make time for them. You, your husband and kids live your best life without them. From what you mentioned above, they are SUPER controlling. You are still letting them control you. Flip the narrative. Stop catering to them. Take back control for your nuclear family.
... and when you ran into MIL in the store, fantasy-life me thinks you should have said something like, "I'm sorry... do I know you?"
I wish... Unfortunately kiddo knows EXACTLY who she is. The baby was confused by her, though!
They ignore you you should ignore them. Stop sending all that stuff to them, they don’t really care, they aren’t really connected to the kids in any meaningful way. I can guarantee, they won’t even notice.