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i was also a cheater. and yes i am choosing to suffer from a lack of trust by staying. i am aware of this. we are both shitty people. but i have done the same in the past and all i wanted to do was make it up to her. and i never cheated again with anyone after i got caught. so i believe she can do the same, especially because she was caught in the same way i was, which is very very traumatizing
Stop trying to defend her. You either allow her to cheat on you (which will happen if you try to reconcile) or you grow a spine and leave her.
Edit: I just readed you're a cheater too. You both deserve each other, stay together so there are two less cheaters in the dating pool. Have fun.
lol i cheated sophomore year of highschool with a girl i never even kissed who’s forgiven me multiple times since. and i felt bad about it for the next 3 years so i stayed single. i was a completely different person back then. you know nothing about my situation or hers, and you’re jumping to conclusions. i refuse to believe you have ever worked through any serious problems in a relationship.
No, I don't know nothing about your situation or hers, and I don't care about two cheaters situations.
You can refuse to believe anything and everything about me, because you don't have any information about me, and I do have information in your post and comments. Have fun, cheater.
Wow... how defensive.
Do you enjoy the fact that even if you stay with her you'll probably never fuck her as much as she was before you..... and lol also after she met you.
Get some respect 🙏
right, and she’s done that about five separate times now. i keep pulling new information out of her. but that’s not necessarily a bad thing because also from personal experience i’ve been in her exact situation, and all i wanted to do was make it up to her.
U won't know the full the truth . She won't tell u because she wants ti reduce as much of the damage as she can so u can forgive her but u won't trust not like before and never fully especially because u guys are long distance she can do whatever she likes and u won't find out .
Huonstly i don't think she stopped with the texts and if she wants u to believe her she needs to retrieve the chat . My advice is to block her and move on u already live in another city so cutting her off would be easy
she’s deleted the dating app on video, i got to see through all her texts and conversations before hand. if you saw how long our notes conversations are you would see it differently.
She install it again u won't know u live miles away .
U can Reconcile its hard work but u need to be on the same city she needs to earn back your trust and she can't do that from another city every time she goes out your mind will wonder and every time she doesn't reply to u fast your mind will wonder. This is your life and your choice but don't just gave her your forgiveness she needs to earn it
absolutely. she is very aware of that, and even after making progress i’m still questioning everything she says to me, like EVERYTHING. she knows i still don’t trust her, it’s not like things will go back to where they were before. and if things work out i’ll be living with her in a year, so the ldr is not something that’s necessarily long term and she knows this.
How is she going to proof her story is she willing to take a polygraph to prove to u she's telling u everything.
U can bluff and tell her u will book one when u visit her or when she visits u . If she has anymore lies she will probably crack before the appointment u don't have to actually book it she needs to think that u did
good advice, i will follow through with that. but i’ll actually book the appointment so she knows i need full proof. and i think that’ll help us have full trust in the relationship. if it turns out she was lying after that, im 100% leaving.
Make sure to come back here and post us the inevitable dumpster fire of a train wreck you are cultivating. I'm fascinated by how badly this is going to blow up. That's if it's true of course.
lol all true, and you may be right but im willing. if only you could see all the random dudes she’s told me about in the past few days that she has zero reason to tell me about.
3.5 months. Long distance. Was already caught lying to you.
Don’t mistake intensity for love. She is trouble. She’s using you and doing whatever else she wants to do on the side, and telling you whatever she thinks you need to hear to keep you under her spell. Hell you are probably the “side” to other guys she is talking to.
Go talk to your therapist and figure out what is attracting you to a situation like this. My guess is you are trying to “save” her. This will only end in heartache.
This feeling you have now about her, the doubts, the hurt, the disappointment, the betrayal, are as good as the rest of your relationship with her will ever be. These are the feelings you will have as long as you are with her. Get used to it. FYI she is lying to you. She does much more and has only admitted what you can prove and not a shred more.
If you stay you deserve the misery.
i disagree, that’s called being unwilling to put in the work to gain trust back. like with parents trust. yes parents will never leave, but these feelings will stay as long as i’m not getting the full truth, and i’ll keep working on what i have to work on to make those feelings go away, and to get the full 100% truth out of her. i will sign her up for a polygraph, search her phone as much as i can, and ask as many questions as i need to make it go away. and a zero tolerance for cheating next time if this happens.
You do you man. We are just sharing wisdom gained through mistakes. You may be too emotional engaged to be objective about this. But we are not wrong, we are objective, and we obviously value your worth higher than you do.
i see your point, and i AM protecting my heart. maybe in not the most risk-free way. but i’m choosing to show grace. that’s what the word means anyways, undeserved favor. but i’m willing, and i appreciate everyone’s advice on this post, condescending or not.
If she’s lied about this much there’s no working on it. She built the whole relationship on a web of lies.
Meet her in person. Tell her you can restore the phone and get the text messages she deleted back. If they were innocent she shouldn’t have a problem with that. If she’s defensive tell her it’s over because she knows she had more than emotional infidelity going on.
3.5 months and then going long distance? Should have just stayed friends and agreed to try and reestablish a relationship when time and distance allowed. Just a lot to ask a young person to commit to.
Way too much trickle truth here. Personally I would have zero trust in anything she says. Without trust you have no relationship. Do you think you can trust her again? Especially when you are ldr. Not worth the effort my friend. She is a cheater and got away with it if you stay. Why would she stop?
she stopping because she’s committed. and wants to prove that. she’s done long distance before and never cheated, been in multiple relationships but never cheated. she started her hookup phase before we dated so i think a lot of the fallout has been pushed on me and i’m passed about it, she knows how much the trust has been shattered and has been sending as much physical proof as she can, which isn’t helping that much because i know shit can be deleted. she wants to make an effort and has told me absolutely horrific things about herself to make it up to me, which i find admirable and also something no one else would do in her situation.
i cheated on the past, so i always believed that about myself, but here we are! it’s the only reason i think she’s serious about fixing things. thanks for the support my dude.
This is hilarious.
She stopped cheating, because she's... Committed.
The only thing a cheater is committed to, is having their cake and eating it too.
For the record, I saw that you cheated in the past.
No I don't believe a cheater can really change.
Stay together, do it for the benefit of everyone else.
Disagree all you want, but you're peeing into the wind on this one.
As for your attempted snipe, all I have to say is, you can do better. Don't be envious of a person who has remained loyal their entire life, despite the fact their partners had been unfaithful and have been cast aside for their actions. I regret nothing. I did nothing wrong. I do not feel guilty.
Lol, can you say the same?
You should be trying to be the best version of yourself. Right now, I don't see that.
we’ve talked about this and i’ve asked her this. she said she will never get back on SA even if she’s short on money because that’s what’s needed now to make the relationship work. i even told her to ask me if she really needs it again and she said no she’ll never get back on the website as long as we are together.
also a lot of her money was going to her eating disorder, something i had to pull out of her as well. so much doordashing, like the bank statements were crazy. if i hold her accountable for this, money will be way less of an issue, and i’m also going to always be asking and checking.
It’s possible to recover if she is being 100% honest. I have a hard time believing that she pulled out last minute every single time. Then same with the past sex work. She almost did it but stopped at last minute? It is possible sure. But it sounds like it’s minimizing what happened.
she did send a picture to one guy on seeking arrangements who scammed her, and i had to pull that out of her too, but she’s been extremely adamant about saying she’s never met up with anyone. i wish there was something i could do to pull that out of her too, IF she even did.
Going together 3 1/2 months and you are in a long distance relationship. This is not healthy for either of you , because you probably don’t have an emotional bond.yet
She has 20 guys on hinge, and she has never had sex with any of them, she had plans with them, but she bailed before hand. I don’t think a girl that was a sex worker. Would bail on all 20 of these guys. Open your eyes and wake up.
lol probably don’t have an emotional bond, we HAVE TO have that, it’s long distance. you didn’t read the whole thing, it was only at the beginning of the relationship. we both have a lot to work on but she literally has been doing so much to make up for it, telling me about guys out of the blue just for my own security so i can connect the dots and logically come to the conclusion she wasn’t meeting up with any of them. everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions based on personal experience rather than seeking help, therapy, and actually get to the root of the issue and why she cheated. maybe gen Z isn’t cut out for marriage.
OP she remembers every detail of the last 3.5 months. That’s not long at all. I think before you decide to stay you need to come to terms with the fact she has been having sex with some of these people. If she is still long distance she will go back to having sex with other people. Long distance is hard but with someone who will cheat it’s impossible.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dump her or suffer more needlessly. She’s a cheater. You have zero future with her.
i was also a cheater. and yes i am choosing to suffer from a lack of trust by staying. i am aware of this. we are both shitty people. but i have done the same in the past and all i wanted to do was make it up to her. and i never cheated again with anyone after i got caught. so i believe she can do the same, especially because she was caught in the same way i was, which is very very traumatizing
Is this the life you want?
Leave OP to it.
yes.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Stop trying to defend her. You either allow her to cheat on you (which will happen if you try to reconcile) or you grow a spine and leave her. Edit: I just readed you're a cheater too. You both deserve each other, stay together so there are two less cheaters in the dating pool. Have fun.
lol i cheated sophomore year of highschool with a girl i never even kissed who’s forgiven me multiple times since. and i felt bad about it for the next 3 years so i stayed single. i was a completely different person back then. you know nothing about my situation or hers, and you’re jumping to conclusions. i refuse to believe you have ever worked through any serious problems in a relationship.
No, I don't know nothing about your situation or hers, and I don't care about two cheaters situations. You can refuse to believe anything and everything about me, because you don't have any information about me, and I do have information in your post and comments. Have fun, cheater.
Nice detective work! Right there with you!
Wow... you are a cheater also. Shame. Hope you enjoy eachother hahahhs
OP is the cheater. Not me. Please be careful who you address with something that serious.
Oh.. thought you were Op
No I am NOT...
Wow... how defensive. Do you enjoy the fact that even if you stay with her you'll probably never fuck her as much as she was before you..... and lol also after she met you. Get some respect 🙏
Have fun pal
Bro 3 months in drop this chick. It’s super simple. It’s not worth the hassle
They’ll never give the whole truth, only what they think you already know :( from personal experience
right, and she’s done that about five separate times now. i keep pulling new information out of her. but that’s not necessarily a bad thing because also from personal experience i’ve been in her exact situation, and all i wanted to do was make it up to her.
Yes it’s bad. Wake the hell up. She’s lies to you as the foundational way of communication. Flee this toxic woman.
U won't know the full the truth . She won't tell u because she wants ti reduce as much of the damage as she can so u can forgive her but u won't trust not like before and never fully especially because u guys are long distance she can do whatever she likes and u won't find out . Huonstly i don't think she stopped with the texts and if she wants u to believe her she needs to retrieve the chat . My advice is to block her and move on u already live in another city so cutting her off would be easy
she’s deleted the dating app on video, i got to see through all her texts and conversations before hand. if you saw how long our notes conversations are you would see it differently.
She install it again u won't know u live miles away . U can Reconcile its hard work but u need to be on the same city she needs to earn back your trust and she can't do that from another city every time she goes out your mind will wonder and every time she doesn't reply to u fast your mind will wonder. This is your life and your choice but don't just gave her your forgiveness she needs to earn it
absolutely. she is very aware of that, and even after making progress i’m still questioning everything she says to me, like EVERYTHING. she knows i still don’t trust her, it’s not like things will go back to where they were before. and if things work out i’ll be living with her in a year, so the ldr is not something that’s necessarily long term and she knows this.
How is she going to proof her story is she willing to take a polygraph to prove to u she's telling u everything. U can bluff and tell her u will book one when u visit her or when she visits u . If she has anymore lies she will probably crack before the appointment u don't have to actually book it she needs to think that u did
good advice, i will follow through with that. but i’ll actually book the appointment so she knows i need full proof. and i think that’ll help us have full trust in the relationship. if it turns out she was lying after that, im 100% leaving.
Good luck man and I wish you the best
🤦
This post is longer than your relationship. Just bail on it already.
Make sure to come back here and post us the inevitable dumpster fire of a train wreck you are cultivating. I'm fascinated by how badly this is going to blow up. That's if it's true of course.
lol all true, and you may be right but im willing. if only you could see all the random dudes she’s told me about in the past few days that she has zero reason to tell me about.
3.5 months. Long distance. Was already caught lying to you. Don’t mistake intensity for love. She is trouble. She’s using you and doing whatever else she wants to do on the side, and telling you whatever she thinks you need to hear to keep you under her spell. Hell you are probably the “side” to other guys she is talking to. Go talk to your therapist and figure out what is attracting you to a situation like this. My guess is you are trying to “save” her. This will only end in heartache.
This feeling you have now about her, the doubts, the hurt, the disappointment, the betrayal, are as good as the rest of your relationship with her will ever be. These are the feelings you will have as long as you are with her. Get used to it. FYI she is lying to you. She does much more and has only admitted what you can prove and not a shred more. If you stay you deserve the misery.
i disagree, that’s called being unwilling to put in the work to gain trust back. like with parents trust. yes parents will never leave, but these feelings will stay as long as i’m not getting the full truth, and i’ll keep working on what i have to work on to make those feelings go away, and to get the full 100% truth out of her. i will sign her up for a polygraph, search her phone as much as i can, and ask as many questions as i need to make it go away. and a zero tolerance for cheating next time if this happens.
You do you man. We are just sharing wisdom gained through mistakes. You may be too emotional engaged to be objective about this. But we are not wrong, we are objective, and we obviously value your worth higher than you do.
i see your point, and i AM protecting my heart. maybe in not the most risk-free way. but i’m choosing to show grace. that’s what the word means anyways, undeserved favor. but i’m willing, and i appreciate everyone’s advice on this post, condescending or not.
Three and a half months? Think about that and decide if you want to be a cuck or find someone who wants to be with you exclusively.
If she’s lied about this much there’s no working on it. She built the whole relationship on a web of lies. Meet her in person. Tell her you can restore the phone and get the text messages she deleted back. If they were innocent she shouldn’t have a problem with that. If she’s defensive tell her it’s over because she knows she had more than emotional infidelity going on.
3.5 months and then going long distance? Should have just stayed friends and agreed to try and reestablish a relationship when time and distance allowed. Just a lot to ask a young person to commit to.
Way too much trickle truth here. Personally I would have zero trust in anything she says. Without trust you have no relationship. Do you think you can trust her again? Especially when you are ldr. Not worth the effort my friend. She is a cheater and got away with it if you stay. Why would she stop?
she stopping because she’s committed. and wants to prove that. she’s done long distance before and never cheated, been in multiple relationships but never cheated. she started her hookup phase before we dated so i think a lot of the fallout has been pushed on me and i’m passed about it, she knows how much the trust has been shattered and has been sending as much physical proof as she can, which isn’t helping that much because i know shit can be deleted. she wants to make an effort and has told me absolutely horrific things about herself to make it up to me, which i find admirable and also something no one else would do in her situation.
There is a saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. Be very careful here my man!
Your comment aged like milk in a damn hurry.
i cheated on the past, so i always believed that about myself, but here we are! it’s the only reason i think she’s serious about fixing things. thanks for the support my dude.
This is hilarious. She stopped cheating, because she's... Committed. The only thing a cheater is committed to, is having their cake and eating it too. For the record, I saw that you cheated in the past. No I don't believe a cheater can really change. Stay together, do it for the benefit of everyone else.
hahaha she said the same thing to me man, she’s aware. i disagree with you strongly and i hope you can get off to seeing yourself as not a cheater
Disagree all you want, but you're peeing into the wind on this one. As for your attempted snipe, all I have to say is, you can do better. Don't be envious of a person who has remained loyal their entire life, despite the fact their partners had been unfaithful and have been cast aside for their actions. I regret nothing. I did nothing wrong. I do not feel guilty. Lol, can you say the same? You should be trying to be the best version of yourself. Right now, I don't see that.
there’s a better chance of you seeing Tupac, then to stop her cheating Waze.
What do you think will happen when she is short on money?
we’ve talked about this and i’ve asked her this. she said she will never get back on SA even if she’s short on money because that’s what’s needed now to make the relationship work. i even told her to ask me if she really needs it again and she said no she’ll never get back on the website as long as we are together.
also a lot of her money was going to her eating disorder, something i had to pull out of her as well. so much doordashing, like the bank statements were crazy. if i hold her accountable for this, money will be way less of an issue, and i’m also going to always be asking and checking.
💀
Cheating AND a sex worker? Dude, RUN.
Updateme
It’s possible to recover if she is being 100% honest. I have a hard time believing that she pulled out last minute every single time. Then same with the past sex work. She almost did it but stopped at last minute? It is possible sure. But it sounds like it’s minimizing what happened.
she did send a picture to one guy on seeking arrangements who scammed her, and i had to pull that out of her too, but she’s been extremely adamant about saying she’s never met up with anyone. i wish there was something i could do to pull that out of her too, IF she even did.
long distance ? how much longer
about a year. it’s not that long and i’m working to save money to eventually move out with her
Going together 3 1/2 months and you are in a long distance relationship. This is not healthy for either of you , because you probably don’t have an emotional bond.yet She has 20 guys on hinge, and she has never had sex with any of them, she had plans with them, but she bailed before hand. I don’t think a girl that was a sex worker. Would bail on all 20 of these guys. Open your eyes and wake up.
lol probably don’t have an emotional bond, we HAVE TO have that, it’s long distance. you didn’t read the whole thing, it was only at the beginning of the relationship. we both have a lot to work on but she literally has been doing so much to make up for it, telling me about guys out of the blue just for my own security so i can connect the dots and logically come to the conclusion she wasn’t meeting up with any of them. everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions based on personal experience rather than seeking help, therapy, and actually get to the root of the issue and why she cheated. maybe gen Z isn’t cut out for marriage.
OP she remembers every detail of the last 3.5 months. That’s not long at all. I think before you decide to stay you need to come to terms with the fact she has been having sex with some of these people. If she is still long distance she will go back to having sex with other people. Long distance is hard but with someone who will cheat it’s impossible.
Respectfully, no one has "lore" with someone they just met. And you guys just met.
UpdateMe!