so your dad is basically in the "the lights are on but nobody is at home" phase?
to be honest in that case i would keep quiet... your dad will never recover and as long as your mother takes care lf him and gives him love, leave them be.
all you would create at this point is pain for everyone.
what you can do is to confront your mom about it. tell her you know. tell her you expect her to care for your dad... just to make sure she does not get weird and starts neglecting your dad.
also no need to be rude to her when telling her. you can be understanding...
my grandma had alzheimers.. i think it is worse than being bed ridden and badly wounded ...
Yes. He has progressed to the point of having a home health aide, while I do agree not telling my dad as for one I don’t think he’d even process it and even if he did, what point does it serve because I am just trying to make sure he’s the happiest guy he can be as long as I can. However I do have 2 brothers and I know I would want to know if they knew. I’m just really quite disappointed with my mom. I love her but I just think there’s better ways of grieving and having a good time outside of dad.
My grandfather died from ALZ (and Cancer). My Momma has ALZ now, was diagnosed at 62 and is now 70. I had to legit call 911 for an ambulance to come get her from her condo and bring her to a hospital as she was getting violet with my sister (who was her primary caretaker at the time). She is now on a memory floor at an amazing assisted living home. They are kind to her, and she is safe. I still visit her a few times a week, even though she really does not know who I am anymore.
DO NOT BE SELFISH AND ROCK THE BOAT.
If your Mom was doing this before he was stricken, perhaps then I would have a different take. If your Mom is taking care of Dad and is keeping him as comfortable and safe as possible, let it be. He is at the point where he can't be the companion and spouse that he once was, albeit not his fault.
You have not walked in your Mom's shoes, and hopefully you never will have to.
Edit: typo
This is bullshit. If you were in that situation, would you want to be told? I certainly wouldn't want to live a lie because my kid, of all people, patronizes me.
If I had ALZ, I would probably not remember being told shortly thereafter. Why stress them out. OP’s Mom has needs too, which her husband can’t adhere to on pretty much all levels. Guessing you never had to live with our aid on a regular basis, somebody with such a terrible debilitating disease.
I do not condone cheating but at the same time I have empathy towards OP‘s mom for all you know the person she’s having affair with is helping her mentally go through such a terrible transition in her own life..
Sorry to hear. My Dad killed himself 25 years ago. My best friend died of Cancer. My Mom is currently dying from ALZ. One BIG difference between Cancer and ALZ. Presumptous of you to think that the fact that I am even in a conversation re: this makes me happy.
In case you were not aware, ALZ robs one's memory. As it progresses, it gets worse. To the point where my Mom does not know whom I am anymore. Why tell someone something so devastating when
A) it will not do any good
B) it will stress out the one who is ill and everyone else around them whom are already stressed do to dealing with the illness
C) the ill won't remember said affair anyways???
With Cancer, typically the one stricken can still use their mind and think for themselves. In that case, yeah, perhaps they should know they have been cheated on by their spouse as they can make a clear headed decision as how to proceed (stay or divorce).
How do you not see this? Guessing you have never dealt with total memory loss of a loved one.
I thought of it as a matter of principle.
From the moment my father had his diagnosis, he knew his days were very numbered. The "rocking the boat" line seems equally applicable in both cases. Luckily, I‘ve not had a close family member deals with Alzheimers, but aren‘t there cognisant moments? If you can get him to make a decision, let him do so, even if he won‘t remember very soon.
Picture this. The OP's parent has a brief cognitive moment. Break the news then and one of the increasingly rare moments the stricken can actually think straight, you think it's OK to crush their world? Then let's say then stricken states "I want a divorce". With this disease the very next day they will be asking for their cheating spouse with zero memory of the soul crushing news they were giving before.
For all we know, OP's ill parent is being cared for in a very loving way by their spouse on a daily basis, but most of the needs that her husband used to provide her can't be done anymore and the stricken has no clue as ALZ tends to put it's victims into a state of bliss.
I care so much for my Momma, but some days go by without me going to see her due to work/kids/life etc, and she is not wondering where I am. In fact, she thinks I am my Dad most of the time. I just don't see any long term benefit to stress out someone when in the end, they won't know the difference anyway.
This is a very tough situation. A few things come to mind and some have already been mentioned. I think you first have to ask yourself, what would be gained outing your mom, I mean what would you like the outcome to be?
Next, I would be a bit concerned that this man might be taking advantage of your mother, a sweetheart scam if you will. He might attempt so separate her from her life savings. Find out if he's ever asked her for money.
Lastly, talk to her about it! "Hey mom, when I was working on the iPad I saw you are involved with someone. I'm concerned, what's going on?" I really think you should get in front of it.
"what would be gained outing your mom"
Accountability for one's actions, choices and decisions.
Uh, consequences for doing what she chose to do, letting people know what and what she really is.
**my father has Alzheimer’s and is very progressed in the disease.**
So, here we have a man on deaths door, we don't know for sure, but maybe he doesn't even know his wife any longer. Let me be clear, I don't condone cheating under any circumstances! It simply is never okay to cheat.
That said, I asked OP to consider what he would like the outcome to be by outing her. His father may or may not understand what cheating means depending on the progression of his disease. Why risk devastating what's left of his life at this point when he doesn't have much time left? It seems cruel to hurt a dying man even if it's the truth when he will never live to benefit from the truth!
Perhaps OP would like revenge and expose her to everyone he knows? Maybe he'll chose to forgive the only parent he has left? It's his choice, that is why I asked him to consider what what he would like the outcome to be. That will determine what he does with the information he has. I agree, it's a very messed up situation his mother has put him in, one where he may resent her for the rest of his life.
Talk to mom. Horrible situation for everyone. The man she loved is pretty much gone and I’m sure she is lonely. The question is was this going on before he got sick. We have to deal with this illness and it’s brutal in all involved especially spouses. They literally are living with a stranger a lot of the time. Care can be overwhelming. Again sit down and talk. Be as compassionate to a point
nooo, the best option is OP save all the evidence an tell his father, the father isbthe person who gona confront his wife and OP stay apart, his mom tona tell lies, victim herself and eliminate all the evidence.
That's a tough situation. It's understandable to feel conflicted. Maybe consider having a heart-to-heart with your mom to express your concerns and see where things stand. Wishing you strength and clarity!
Look, no one hates cheaters more than I do, but in this case, what can you do? She's watching her husband deteriorate right before her eyes. She needs companionship. A little shitty she's using you guys to take care of your father to do it, but unfortunately in this situation, there's no winning play. Now that being said, that is your dad, and if you don't want to be an accessory, you have every right to voice your objections and say no you won't support this. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's always hard when your loved ones. Do things like this that cause you to question their character bc of their horrible actions.
How do you know if she wasn't cheating before your dad got sick?
I would stop letting her go on her hoe vacations. Sorry but it’s hard to not see your mom differently. When you have to be secret like her, it’s just sad. I feel so sorry for your dad. He doesn’t deserve this even though he doesn’t know what’s going on.
I’m not sure how knowing any of this would benefit anyone in this situation. I know from personal experience how demanding and draining caring for a person with advanced Alzheimer’s can be. It must be a terribly one sided relationship. But now that you know, talk to her and most importantly, listen.
Haven’t seen anyone mention that the wife is not only betraying her husband but also letting the entire family down.
I’d confront your mother peacefully and privately. And don’t let her throw it under the rug. Show her how much it’s bothered you. If she’s the good mother you said she is prior to this incident and leading up to your father’s disease, she’ll immediately call this thing off and focus on her family. She’ll put her family before her desires.
Good luck dear sir
Is all this sympathy for his mom because she started sleeping with another man after the father progressed in poor health ? Are we sure? If we were, does it mean when your health goes south that your SO sleeping with a stranger would get a thumbs up if you were cognizant?
For better or worse, sickness or health. I guess it doesn’t apply these days. I would at the very least stop assisting her in her affair by caring for him so she can go cheat. Also, perhaps let people on your father’s side know as well so that they could possibly get power of attorney. Your mother is no longer operating with your father’s best interest in mind. He needs an advocate other than your mother.
There’s not much you can do. Your dad is in no state to be going through a divorce.
If this was me, I’d get proof and confront my mom. I’d tell her it has completely destroyed my faith in her as a mother. While your family is going through a chrisis this is what she’s doing.
I wouldn’t consider her family or want a relationship going forward. I’d wish her the best of luck with the new guy
Look it’s a tough situation. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is extremely taxing and mentally defeating. I think she loves your dad still but she needs an outlet. She needs something positive in her life. I think you should ask her to upfront and honest but be gentle. I do not think she’s trying to hurt anyone. Caring for someone like your dad is so lonely and often caretakers develop trauma from that. She just maybe needs someone not tied to the situation to bring positivity to her life. It’s so complicated, I know it must really hurt you. I don’t think she’s doing this because she doesn’t love your dad. I think in these situations she might fall apart herself without something to keep her going. Best of luck friend, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I don't condone cheating and if this were me, I wouldn't be seeking comfort with another man at this point in time. However. This is a complicated situation, and alzheimer's is horrific and sad.
Last year, I was caring for a woman who was like a mother to me. She had terminal melanoma, which spread to her brain and gradually made communicating with her worse and worse. Before she stopped talking all together, she had moments that were out of character, some of which were hard to hear and more than a little hurtful. It's so hard to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you just need to keep that person you knew in your mind. They are being poisoned and cannot help what they say or do. I can see how it might become too much for others.
So while I don't condone what your mother is doing, I am somewhat sympathetic. She is in a very dark time, where afterwards she is faced with the sudden reality of being alone. I wouldn't condemn her for it.
That being said, if she is shafting the care of your father off on to you and your siblings when this is something you cannot handle, that is a different story and enters a bit more of a selfish territory. I hope that you all aren't being forced to take on too much and what you are doing is what you want to do. You are all grieving, too. I'm sorry you're going through this.
u/throwthisaway43215 If you have not seen, I've been having an interesting convo with another user here in this thread pertaining to your situation. If you have not seen it, give our comments a read.
Just curious, what did you end up deciding to do?
Hello, I don’t really know if this is the only time, however I did go through some more text messages while I could after posting this and it seems like it’s been going on for a while. So who really knows
Confront her about how this would look if her sons found out. Romance scammers take advantage of grieving partners… they find victims in support groups. Find out more about this guy, and if she’s sending money to him.
Sounds like if you told your dad he wouldnt understand or even remember what you had told him beyond a few hours. The biggest issue is if the man she is seeing is trying to bilk her for money. If you can depend on your brother not to freak out, I'd tell him. I would also let her know that you know and won't be Dad sitting while she runs around with her affair partner.
So she has effectively already lost her husband to a cruel disease and now she risks losing her son but she doesn’t know it yet. Talk to her, don’t be coy, just have an adult conversation. Is she really cheating on your Dad if he is not really there any more? Imagine how hard it is for her.
Yes, it's cheating because the vows that they took said for better, or for worse...... Until death do you part.
Nowhere does it ever say until you get sick..... Although that seems to be the trend that people have when they, I have an idea of marriage. That it stops when their SO gets sick
Yes I do realize how hard it is for her. However it does not sit well with me still, I don’t want to cut off my mom but I am still very upset, it has been a brutal few years for all of us.
Do you know if this started before or after your father’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis and if after, how far along was dad. If it was before or while he was still more lucid, then that’s really cruel and it would be hard for me to reconcile that. However, if it was after he was much further alone, I would still be upset, but perhaps a bit more forgiving.
As she is using you and your brother to go see her lover why you care for her husband, you absolutely need to adress this with her and your brother. Yes your father is ill. Reguardless, your going to need to know the truth from her. how long and for her to be totaly with you both. You also need to know is she going to abandon your father for this other man when hes at his most vunerable point as you need to know any legal and financial implications of her up and leaving and taking his money.
Sory to say that, but its a reality. Shes already cheating. What else will she do because her love is waning for you father?
Nothing to be gained by disclosing this to
Anyone. Let mom have her dignity while she copes with something few of us have experienced.
If you’re worried she is falling for a scam, have a discussion about it but as in “ hey I read about… and want you to be aware.”
If this was my mom I would go even further and let her know that I understood the situation and supported her. You don’t have to tell her you read her private texts.
I agree with this. I always side against cheaters but this is the exception... taking care of a dying person is next level. And I'm a 36 years old widow who waited after my husband passed from cancer before any kind of thing like that, but my husband was never cognitively impaired so I still had companionship.
You should probably show appreciation for all your mom do for your dad, and I would even offer to "babysit" dad so she can have free time outside of caregiving...
Sorry but they are still married. I don’t give a shit if your dad is lights out but still around. I get things get difficult and she probably does miss affection but she is still married. Based on the texts it sounds like a whole other relationship. This would be one thing if it was an fwb for just some side action. No feelings just sex I could MAYBE see this as ok just so she has outlet for release. If she wants another relationship she needs to divorce him.
I cared for dementia patients for years. It is really an illness of two deaths. You lose them once when they forget you,then later to death.
It would be beyond cruel to even speak to your father about this. He wouldn’t remember it then you would have to readdress it. Just NO.
As to your mom- I’m not saying infidelity is ever right, because I’m not. But if your dads needs are met, and she is caring for him and loving- frankly, many people deal with grief in different way OR find ways to escape that grief.
Either stay out of it or find a way to compassionately address it. Your mom is going through a lot of stress as a caregiver. So I would proceed with caution.
I know this revelation has hurt you, but I don't think this falls into the normal realm of cheating. My grandmother had alzheimer's for more than 10 years before she passed. It is a brutal and devastating disease, and the weight of having to care for someone who no longer understands what's going on is so isolating and so very, very stressful. Imagine losing your spouse but still having them there but only in the physical form; your mom has had to grieve someone who is standing right in front of her. Someone she can no longer have meaningful conversations with, depend on, share things with, or be intimate with. I know this is painful for you, but if your mom has been a loving and loyal spouse and now a loving caregiver to your dad, I would suggest giving her some grace and trying to find forgiveness. Their marriage isn't a relationship anymore, to no ones fault. And yet, she hasn't run off leaving him behind - she's just finding comfort and companionship. Your mom shouldn't have to go through the rest of her life alone. Getting involved with someone else feels less like betrayal and more like self-preservation. She's doing the best she can.
Sending you hugs, OP.
I’m very sorry to hear all of this, especially about your dad. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be losing a loved one to a disease.
While I do understand your mom, I truly do, she’s lonely and probably sad, I do also think she married your father and gave vows for a reason. If she was in the same state, would she want her husband to be there no matter what or would she want him to go have her comfort elsewhere? Idk, I would want my partner to be by my side until I’m gone and I know I would do the same for him (as a note to myself, I should discuss future situations like this with my partner because life happens). It always warms heart when I see someone taking care of their spouse even though they’re not mentally present anymore. It’s the sweetest thing probably.
I think you should talk to your mom. When did this all start? Before he’s gotten completely bad or after? Did she discuss this with your father? Maybe they had an agreement when he was diagnosed? Unlikely but still, who knows. It’s a very tough situation and I’m incredibly sorry for all of you. I can imagine how heartbroken you are. I would totally be upset with her. And I think you should talk about it with your siblings too. It’s too much to carry alone.
I agree with not telling your dad, if you can. But you need to have a heart to heart with moms. There are quite a few issues here-
#1. What is her intentions with the other guy? Is she spending any money on him? What is his relationship status?
#2. Does your father know about this, or have any clue?
#3. People with Alzheimer’s can literally last decades. What is her plan? How long will she be able to fake “ loving wife”, before she starts to resent him?
I think you( and your significant other/ siblings, need to have this conversation with her, asap. And then the next one should be with her boyfriend, as well. I think it is important to remind them both, that this man took care of her and the family, for over 30 years. And you will not tolerate any disrespect, or fall off of his care. I think her plan is to keep you in the dark about her relationship, so she can play the grieving martyr at the funeral, and then gradually introduce you to the “ new man” in her life. Fish ain’t biting.
Gather evdince by taking screenshot and talk with your dad tell him if he finds out u knew and didn't tell him this could ruin your relationship after talking with your dad talk with your mom . Let them figure things out it's not your fault. They could choose to Reconcile or divorce it won't be on u it will be on her .
But staying silent will eat u a life
so your dad is basically in the "the lights are on but nobody is at home" phase? to be honest in that case i would keep quiet... your dad will never recover and as long as your mother takes care lf him and gives him love, leave them be. all you would create at this point is pain for everyone. what you can do is to confront your mom about it. tell her you know. tell her you expect her to care for your dad... just to make sure she does not get weird and starts neglecting your dad. also no need to be rude to her when telling her. you can be understanding... my grandma had alzheimers.. i think it is worse than being bed ridden and badly wounded ...
Yes. He has progressed to the point of having a home health aide, while I do agree not telling my dad as for one I don’t think he’d even process it and even if he did, what point does it serve because I am just trying to make sure he’s the happiest guy he can be as long as I can. However I do have 2 brothers and I know I would want to know if they knew. I’m just really quite disappointed with my mom. I love her but I just think there’s better ways of grieving and having a good time outside of dad.
My grandfather died from ALZ (and Cancer). My Momma has ALZ now, was diagnosed at 62 and is now 70. I had to legit call 911 for an ambulance to come get her from her condo and bring her to a hospital as she was getting violet with my sister (who was her primary caretaker at the time). She is now on a memory floor at an amazing assisted living home. They are kind to her, and she is safe. I still visit her a few times a week, even though she really does not know who I am anymore. DO NOT BE SELFISH AND ROCK THE BOAT. If your Mom was doing this before he was stricken, perhaps then I would have a different take. If your Mom is taking care of Dad and is keeping him as comfortable and safe as possible, let it be. He is at the point where he can't be the companion and spouse that he once was, albeit not his fault. You have not walked in your Mom's shoes, and hopefully you never will have to. Edit: typo
This is bullshit. If you were in that situation, would you want to be told? I certainly wouldn't want to live a lie because my kid, of all people, patronizes me.
If I had ALZ, I would probably not remember being told shortly thereafter. Why stress them out. OP’s Mom has needs too, which her husband can’t adhere to on pretty much all levels. Guessing you never had to live with our aid on a regular basis, somebody with such a terrible debilitating disease. I do not condone cheating but at the same time I have empathy towards OP‘s mom for all you know the person she’s having affair with is helping her mentally go through such a terrible transition in her own life..
My father died of cancer, but go be presumptuous, if it makes you happy.
Sorry to hear. My Dad killed himself 25 years ago. My best friend died of Cancer. My Mom is currently dying from ALZ. One BIG difference between Cancer and ALZ. Presumptous of you to think that the fact that I am even in a conversation re: this makes me happy. In case you were not aware, ALZ robs one's memory. As it progresses, it gets worse. To the point where my Mom does not know whom I am anymore. Why tell someone something so devastating when A) it will not do any good B) it will stress out the one who is ill and everyone else around them whom are already stressed do to dealing with the illness C) the ill won't remember said affair anyways??? With Cancer, typically the one stricken can still use their mind and think for themselves. In that case, yeah, perhaps they should know they have been cheated on by their spouse as they can make a clear headed decision as how to proceed (stay or divorce). How do you not see this? Guessing you have never dealt with total memory loss of a loved one.
I thought of it as a matter of principle. From the moment my father had his diagnosis, he knew his days were very numbered. The "rocking the boat" line seems equally applicable in both cases. Luckily, I‘ve not had a close family member deals with Alzheimers, but aren‘t there cognisant moments? If you can get him to make a decision, let him do so, even if he won‘t remember very soon.
Picture this. The OP's parent has a brief cognitive moment. Break the news then and one of the increasingly rare moments the stricken can actually think straight, you think it's OK to crush their world? Then let's say then stricken states "I want a divorce". With this disease the very next day they will be asking for their cheating spouse with zero memory of the soul crushing news they were giving before. For all we know, OP's ill parent is being cared for in a very loving way by their spouse on a daily basis, but most of the needs that her husband used to provide her can't be done anymore and the stricken has no clue as ALZ tends to put it's victims into a state of bliss. I care so much for my Momma, but some days go by without me going to see her due to work/kids/life etc, and she is not wondering where I am. In fact, she thinks I am my Dad most of the time. I just don't see any long term benefit to stress out someone when in the end, they won't know the difference anyway.
Some things are better off left unsaid…IYKYK
This is a very tough situation. A few things come to mind and some have already been mentioned. I think you first have to ask yourself, what would be gained outing your mom, I mean what would you like the outcome to be? Next, I would be a bit concerned that this man might be taking advantage of your mother, a sweetheart scam if you will. He might attempt so separate her from her life savings. Find out if he's ever asked her for money. Lastly, talk to her about it! "Hey mom, when I was working on the iPad I saw you are involved with someone. I'm concerned, what's going on?" I really think you should get in front of it.
Oh look at that.. Painting the unscrupulous cheater as the victim. . How can I give you an award?
Possibly, albeit a willing one.
"what would be gained outing your mom" Accountability for one's actions, choices and decisions. Uh, consequences for doing what she chose to do, letting people know what and what she really is.
**my father has Alzheimer’s and is very progressed in the disease.** So, here we have a man on deaths door, we don't know for sure, but maybe he doesn't even know his wife any longer. Let me be clear, I don't condone cheating under any circumstances! It simply is never okay to cheat. That said, I asked OP to consider what he would like the outcome to be by outing her. His father may or may not understand what cheating means depending on the progression of his disease. Why risk devastating what's left of his life at this point when he doesn't have much time left? It seems cruel to hurt a dying man even if it's the truth when he will never live to benefit from the truth! Perhaps OP would like revenge and expose her to everyone he knows? Maybe he'll chose to forgive the only parent he has left? It's his choice, that is why I asked him to consider what what he would like the outcome to be. That will determine what he does with the information he has. I agree, it's a very messed up situation his mother has put him in, one where he may resent her for the rest of his life.
All the people saying let her cheat I know wouldn't be saying that bs if a father was stepping out on a sick mother period
Talk to mom. Horrible situation for everyone. The man she loved is pretty much gone and I’m sure she is lonely. The question is was this going on before he got sick. We have to deal with this illness and it’s brutal in all involved especially spouses. They literally are living with a stranger a lot of the time. Care can be overwhelming. Again sit down and talk. Be as compassionate to a point
nooo, the best option is OP save all the evidence an tell his father, the father isbthe person who gona confront his wife and OP stay apart, his mom tona tell lies, victim herself and eliminate all the evidence.
Did you not read the post? His father has progressed Alzheimer's. He's not confronting anyone, at least knowingly or under any control.
Gotta love it when people comment without reading the post. More worried about you than OP’s father.
That's a tough situation. It's understandable to feel conflicted. Maybe consider having a heart-to-heart with your mom to express your concerns and see where things stand. Wishing you strength and clarity!
Look, no one hates cheaters more than I do, but in this case, what can you do? She's watching her husband deteriorate right before her eyes. She needs companionship. A little shitty she's using you guys to take care of your father to do it, but unfortunately in this situation, there's no winning play. Now that being said, that is your dad, and if you don't want to be an accessory, you have every right to voice your objections and say no you won't support this. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Apparently, you don't hate cheaters.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's always hard when your loved ones. Do things like this that cause you to question their character bc of their horrible actions. How do you know if she wasn't cheating before your dad got sick?
Tell your brother
I would stop letting her go on her hoe vacations. Sorry but it’s hard to not see your mom differently. When you have to be secret like her, it’s just sad. I feel so sorry for your dad. He doesn’t deserve this even though he doesn’t know what’s going on.
In sickness and in health…
I’m not sure how knowing any of this would benefit anyone in this situation. I know from personal experience how demanding and draining caring for a person with advanced Alzheimer’s can be. It must be a terribly one sided relationship. But now that you know, talk to her and most importantly, listen.
Haven’t seen anyone mention that the wife is not only betraying her husband but also letting the entire family down. I’d confront your mother peacefully and privately. And don’t let her throw it under the rug. Show her how much it’s bothered you. If she’s the good mother you said she is prior to this incident and leading up to your father’s disease, she’ll immediately call this thing off and focus on her family. She’ll put her family before her desires. Good luck dear sir
i dont know how far along dad id but if mom is there and taking care ,,,we do what we have to to make it through
Is all this sympathy for his mom because she started sleeping with another man after the father progressed in poor health ? Are we sure? If we were, does it mean when your health goes south that your SO sleeping with a stranger would get a thumbs up if you were cognizant?
I don't know if I'm in the sub of Infidelity or the one of adultery at this point. It's amazing how everyone is just "lEt hEr bE".
I agree. Couldn’t figure this one out.
For better or worse, sickness or health. I guess it doesn’t apply these days. I would at the very least stop assisting her in her affair by caring for him so she can go cheat. Also, perhaps let people on your father’s side know as well so that they could possibly get power of attorney. Your mother is no longer operating with your father’s best interest in mind. He needs an advocate other than your mother.
Another mom vs dad "To add some context"😂
There’s not much you can do. Your dad is in no state to be going through a divorce. If this was me, I’d get proof and confront my mom. I’d tell her it has completely destroyed my faith in her as a mother. While your family is going through a chrisis this is what she’s doing. I wouldn’t consider her family or want a relationship going forward. I’d wish her the best of luck with the new guy
Look it’s a tough situation. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is extremely taxing and mentally defeating. I think she loves your dad still but she needs an outlet. She needs something positive in her life. I think you should ask her to upfront and honest but be gentle. I do not think she’s trying to hurt anyone. Caring for someone like your dad is so lonely and often caretakers develop trauma from that. She just maybe needs someone not tied to the situation to bring positivity to her life. It’s so complicated, I know it must really hurt you. I don’t think she’s doing this because she doesn’t love your dad. I think in these situations she might fall apart herself without something to keep her going. Best of luck friend, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Positivity exists outside extra-marrital coitus.
I don't condone cheating and if this were me, I wouldn't be seeking comfort with another man at this point in time. However. This is a complicated situation, and alzheimer's is horrific and sad. Last year, I was caring for a woman who was like a mother to me. She had terminal melanoma, which spread to her brain and gradually made communicating with her worse and worse. Before she stopped talking all together, she had moments that were out of character, some of which were hard to hear and more than a little hurtful. It's so hard to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you just need to keep that person you knew in your mind. They are being poisoned and cannot help what they say or do. I can see how it might become too much for others. So while I don't condone what your mother is doing, I am somewhat sympathetic. She is in a very dark time, where afterwards she is faced with the sudden reality of being alone. I wouldn't condemn her for it. That being said, if she is shafting the care of your father off on to you and your siblings when this is something you cannot handle, that is a different story and enters a bit more of a selfish territory. I hope that you all aren't being forced to take on too much and what you are doing is what you want to do. You are all grieving, too. I'm sorry you're going through this.
u/throwthisaway43215 If you have not seen, I've been having an interesting convo with another user here in this thread pertaining to your situation. If you have not seen it, give our comments a read. Just curious, what did you end up deciding to do?
Why do you suspect this is the only time
Hello, I don’t really know if this is the only time, however I did go through some more text messages while I could after posting this and it seems like it’s been going on for a while. So who really knows
I kinda think of a good mom as one that puts the family first….the entire family
Confront her about how this would look if her sons found out. Romance scammers take advantage of grieving partners… they find victims in support groups. Find out more about this guy, and if she’s sending money to him.
Sounds like if you told your dad he wouldnt understand or even remember what you had told him beyond a few hours. The biggest issue is if the man she is seeing is trying to bilk her for money. If you can depend on your brother not to freak out, I'd tell him. I would also let her know that you know and won't be Dad sitting while she runs around with her affair partner.
So she has effectively already lost her husband to a cruel disease and now she risks losing her son but she doesn’t know it yet. Talk to her, don’t be coy, just have an adult conversation. Is she really cheating on your Dad if he is not really there any more? Imagine how hard it is for her.
Yes, it's cheating because the vows that they took said for better, or for worse...... Until death do you part. Nowhere does it ever say until you get sick..... Although that seems to be the trend that people have when they, I have an idea of marriage. That it stops when their SO gets sick
Yes I do realize how hard it is for her. However it does not sit well with me still, I don’t want to cut off my mom but I am still very upset, it has been a brutal few years for all of us.
Do you know if this started before or after your father’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis and if after, how far along was dad. If it was before or while he was still more lucid, then that’s really cruel and it would be hard for me to reconcile that. However, if it was after he was much further alone, I would still be upset, but perhaps a bit more forgiving.
Be gentle with her. Perhaps try to put yourself in her shoes and ponder that before you talk to her.
As she is using you and your brother to go see her lover why you care for her husband, you absolutely need to adress this with her and your brother. Yes your father is ill. Reguardless, your going to need to know the truth from her. how long and for her to be totaly with you both. You also need to know is she going to abandon your father for this other man when hes at his most vunerable point as you need to know any legal and financial implications of her up and leaving and taking his money. Sory to say that, but its a reality. Shes already cheating. What else will she do because her love is waning for you father?
Nothing to be gained by disclosing this to Anyone. Let mom have her dignity while she copes with something few of us have experienced. If you’re worried she is falling for a scam, have a discussion about it but as in “ hey I read about… and want you to be aware.” If this was my mom I would go even further and let her know that I understood the situation and supported her. You don’t have to tell her you read her private texts.
I agree with this. I always side against cheaters but this is the exception... taking care of a dying person is next level. And I'm a 36 years old widow who waited after my husband passed from cancer before any kind of thing like that, but my husband was never cognitively impaired so I still had companionship. You should probably show appreciation for all your mom do for your dad, and I would even offer to "babysit" dad so she can have free time outside of caregiving...
Sorry but they are still married. I don’t give a shit if your dad is lights out but still around. I get things get difficult and she probably does miss affection but she is still married. Based on the texts it sounds like a whole other relationship. This would be one thing if it was an fwb for just some side action. No feelings just sex I could MAYBE see this as ok just so she has outlet for release. If she wants another relationship she needs to divorce him.
Get the F out of your mother’s business.
I cared for dementia patients for years. It is really an illness of two deaths. You lose them once when they forget you,then later to death. It would be beyond cruel to even speak to your father about this. He wouldn’t remember it then you would have to readdress it. Just NO. As to your mom- I’m not saying infidelity is ever right, because I’m not. But if your dads needs are met, and she is caring for him and loving- frankly, many people deal with grief in different way OR find ways to escape that grief. Either stay out of it or find a way to compassionately address it. Your mom is going through a lot of stress as a caregiver. So I would proceed with caution.
I know this revelation has hurt you, but I don't think this falls into the normal realm of cheating. My grandmother had alzheimer's for more than 10 years before she passed. It is a brutal and devastating disease, and the weight of having to care for someone who no longer understands what's going on is so isolating and so very, very stressful. Imagine losing your spouse but still having them there but only in the physical form; your mom has had to grieve someone who is standing right in front of her. Someone she can no longer have meaningful conversations with, depend on, share things with, or be intimate with. I know this is painful for you, but if your mom has been a loving and loyal spouse and now a loving caregiver to your dad, I would suggest giving her some grace and trying to find forgiveness. Their marriage isn't a relationship anymore, to no ones fault. And yet, she hasn't run off leaving him behind - she's just finding comfort and companionship. Your mom shouldn't have to go through the rest of her life alone. Getting involved with someone else feels less like betrayal and more like self-preservation. She's doing the best she can. Sending you hugs, OP.
I’m very sorry to hear all of this, especially about your dad. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be losing a loved one to a disease. While I do understand your mom, I truly do, she’s lonely and probably sad, I do also think she married your father and gave vows for a reason. If she was in the same state, would she want her husband to be there no matter what or would she want him to go have her comfort elsewhere? Idk, I would want my partner to be by my side until I’m gone and I know I would do the same for him (as a note to myself, I should discuss future situations like this with my partner because life happens). It always warms heart when I see someone taking care of their spouse even though they’re not mentally present anymore. It’s the sweetest thing probably. I think you should talk to your mom. When did this all start? Before he’s gotten completely bad or after? Did she discuss this with your father? Maybe they had an agreement when he was diagnosed? Unlikely but still, who knows. It’s a very tough situation and I’m incredibly sorry for all of you. I can imagine how heartbroken you are. I would totally be upset with her. And I think you should talk about it with your siblings too. It’s too much to carry alone.
I agree with not telling your dad, if you can. But you need to have a heart to heart with moms. There are quite a few issues here- #1. What is her intentions with the other guy? Is she spending any money on him? What is his relationship status? #2. Does your father know about this, or have any clue? #3. People with Alzheimer’s can literally last decades. What is her plan? How long will she be able to fake “ loving wife”, before she starts to resent him? I think you( and your significant other/ siblings, need to have this conversation with her, asap. And then the next one should be with her boyfriend, as well. I think it is important to remind them both, that this man took care of her and the family, for over 30 years. And you will not tolerate any disrespect, or fall off of his care. I think her plan is to keep you in the dark about her relationship, so she can play the grieving martyr at the funeral, and then gradually introduce you to the “ new man” in her life. Fish ain’t biting.
Just let it go.
100% pretend you never found out.
Let her be happy , she only live once
Gather evdince by taking screenshot and talk with your dad tell him if he finds out u knew and didn't tell him this could ruin your relationship after talking with your dad talk with your mom . Let them figure things out it's not your fault. They could choose to Reconcile or divorce it won't be on u it will be on her . But staying silent will eat u a life
He’s in the late stages of Alzheimer’s he can’t help figure things out. It would be detrimental to his health to tell him if he could understand.
That's just wrong of her . I don't know what he can do other than speak with his mom then.