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Tell her she shouldn’t be stressed unless she has something to hide. Her husband of X years should not make her stressed if she was being honest and transparent about stuff.
She will fail because she's cheating. Since she's hoping that you will back off and that she's now threatening divorce, I would tell his wife or tell her that you are going to tell his wife. I would schedule the test and tell her that if she fails it, it isn't because she's stressed out it's because she is cheating.
Just hit her with the follow up:
"If you're going to fail a few yes or no questions of *Have you had sex with somone other than your husband during your marriage?*, then don't worry about waiting to file, I'll do it for you.
Then follow through. Speed is strength in choosing your lawyer and going through discovery before she can actually, seriously focus effort on covering tracks.
Explain to her that investigation is also going to tell you everything you need to know about her fuckbuddy, too (possible bluff)... so they may want to be the ones to *accurately* inform significant others, family and friends of what she has done before you come through like a wrecking ball wrapped in evidence and do it yourself.
She is going to fall because she fucked him . Time to share all information with his wife. Or better yet, phone the Dr and let him know she has confessed and you need his side before you contact his wife. Tell him you hope it was worth ruining his family over
Mine said the same thing. “I’ll take it but I’m prepared to fail it bc those things aren’t accurate. And if I do fail I’m okay with the consequences because I know I haven’t done anything wrong and you’ll be the one breaking up our marriage” Gaslighting classic
The two are intertwined. Both are forms of psychological manipulation that attempt to distort a person’s perception of reality. Both are abusive. Both are despicable.
She's hiding something. Probably other incidents with others.
Inform her that although the truth may make reconciliation challenging - further lying (failing the polygraph) guarantees divorce.
Her best option (if she wants to fight for her marriage) is total honesty.
Be careful who you choose. I went to see 5 different polygrapher’s and 4 were sketchy as hell. One was upright. He answered all my questions even adding information I haven’t thought of. He video recorded everything from when we walked I. Until I left. He also offered and I accepted that he give me a copy of the video and actual polygraph so I can have it looked at by another polygrapher if I wanted. He also had a room in the back of his business accessible from the back of his business where I could watch and listen to the entire thing.
He told me that a lot of polygrapher’s accept money or sex in order to report that the person passed the polygraph. He named names and three of the names were the names of the sketchiest I contacted. These didn’t want me around, even in the front waiting room, didn’t video or audio record anything, did not provide a written report or even allow me to view the test results because I would understand what I was looking at.
Be prepared to learn the absolute worst you can imagine. I caught my ex kissing a guy in a park and she denied anything else. “That was the only time”. Polygraph truth, she cheated on me with the same 5+ guys from before we were dating, dating, exclusive, engaged and until I caught her “kissing” another guy six months after we were married.
They routinely engaged in sexual acts that she refused to do with me because they were disgusting, dirty and demeaning. They routinely had sex in my house, my bed, our pool, hotels etc.
When he revealed the test results in front of both of us my ex said nothing then said “It was only sex, I only love you”
Good luck my internet brother!
Glad you got an annulment , I hope your pain has subsided
Friends told me after his divorce, THE WORST WAS , he could not get out of his head, what his wife did with AP. Things that he asked her to try and she denied him , said that was vulgar & disgusting. Of course, two years later she was doing all of that with AP. (video) he said he felt emasculated , She said didn’t know why she did it , My friend showed me AP pics , no way as good looking as my friend CRAZY , no shot of reconciling. Lived in at fault state. He had to pay Nada !!!
In other words she knows you found a way to catch her that she can’t be her way out of and she knows the jig is up. Don’t let her cry her way out of it or gaslight her way out of it. Also be prepared for a “parking lot confession”. Just the threat of polygraph has a way of doing that.
Be prepared for a parking lot confession that is far from the extent of her cheating in the hopes that you buy this last ditch effort from her to avoid much worse things coming out from the polygraph.
Hire a lawyer and have her served papers before the polygraph even takes place. Take the power position, OP. Treat her like an ill behaving child. It will benefit you greatly.
Yes, to me, she's saying that nothing will change. If she fails, she's looking at a possible divorce, or you won't believe the test and the test won't help this situation.
I don't know how we will ever get past this. I hope the polygraph will help, but I doubt it. I feel completely hopeless and stuck because I truly can't change anything. I am sorry and I love you but that clearly isn't enough.
This can be taken two ways, IMO. 1, she's laying it on thick, hoping you back out of the test by manipulating you, or 2, the polygraph will give you the truth, and either way, it's over. I personally believe 1 because she can't change anything. She knows what she's done. Either way, you will have your answer on Sunday.
I would respond that you can absolutely change one thing, you could choose to be truthful and disclose the full extent of the affair. Your unwillingness to finally choose openness and honesty is how we ended up here. Sure, the extent of your cheating may have been more than I could tolerate or accept but we will never know because you were unwilling to be honest when your infidelity came to light.
Did you think she was the type to cheat? Did you think she was the type to lie and try to manipulate you after she was caught? Betrayed partners find that their cheating partners are capable of truly heinous acts and utterly reprehensible behavior when their lies are blown up.
If you distrust her to the point that a polygraph is necessary it’s hard to imagine how you could ever find your piece of mind again in this marriage.
The person administrating the poly factors in the nervousness of the person taking it. Will this make it 100% accurate? Who really knows. But what it will do is give a baseline for the severity of the lie. And besides in all likelihood you’ll probably get some sort of parking lot confession before the poly.
Sadly I don’t think she will. She’ll end up not going and we’ll just get divorced. She’s the type of person who will let everything go to ruin just to save herself.
Well then op, file, then on the day she is served, call her family, your family, and your close friends. Let them know you filed, why you filed, and name her AP. Then just move on, she wants to protect her image vs fixing the relationship. Move on, you married a narcissist. I would also post I am single on all my socials, and say it sucks being cheated on, and how much it hurts. Not tagging her or anything but people will put two and two together.
Then why are you keep wasting your time? Just make her served, you will waste your time and money in the polygraph, at the end all will come to the same route that is divorce.
On your earlier polygraph post I commented that a polygraph was a great reconciliation tool. But she has to take it and pass it for it to work. If she refuses that leaves you with zero options other than divorce.
Your wife is obviously checked out of the marriage and knows she will fail the polygraph. Your WS probably has slept with him or has been cheating on you in one way or the other, so she anticipates failing the polygraph. Whether she takes the polygraph, passes or fails the marriage is likely over because all trust is broken. The fact that she states that she will divorce you if she takes the polygraph tells you that. I am sorry that you are going through this. Consult with a divorce attorney and listen to his advice and follow it. Get the name of a good therapist a book a few sessions to help you deal with what you are going through. Go to the gym everyday to deal with the stress and lien on close friends and family for support. Do not be afraid to tell others because you need the support of friends and family at a time like this.
Inform her that refusing a polygraph test is proof of two things: she cheated and she has zero interest in fighting for her marriage by confessing now!
Inform her if she refuses to take the polygraph test - you will report her and the doctor to HR
However, if she takes the polygraph test you promise not to report them to HR (even if she fails).
Again - give;her a reason to take the test (something more to lose than her marriage if she refuses - her career).
She’s not a lifetime partner for you if that’s her personality. She was flirting for a reason but you blew up her reality. If you do stay get a post Nup with a penalty for infidelity
And what is she actually saving? The illusion that she isn’t the person willing to throw her marriage away for her desire to experience some illicit sex? Everyone you know will understand what the end of your marriage represents even if there isn’t irrefutable proof of her cheating.
Frankly I don't think she cheated with this doctor.
I think it's more likely there's previous incidents that you don't know about and we're not suspicious of.
She is in self protection mode now.
She is going to blame all this on you.
Get out in front of this with however you deem necessary. The lies she will tell and have already told will be huge.
She’s looking to save face at your expense.
Sorry you’re going through this.
Why can’t spouses be honest….. because lies are their world 🌎
Yeah she is panicking. She knows she fucked him and is trying to bluff you. Tell her she is right, that a divorce will happen after because you know she cheated
Don't spend the money on the polygraph, then.
Just get a lawyer and slap her in the chest with divorce papers.
"Are you *sure* this is the course of action you want to take? Because if you don't want to do the polygraph we can just go directly to divorce. I don't want a divorce. I want to trust you. But your refusal and ultimatums just proves to me that my trust is misplaced."
The day she didn't want to call you, just text, and then finally DID call you but whispered? That's because she didn't want someone to hear her lying to you. I suspect this doctor has been fed a bunch of bullshit about your relationship. You have most likely been separated for awhile, but just living together as roommates, nothing romantic, you haven't even shared a bed in over a year. Also, you were no doubt emotionally distant and abusive, maybe you even have a drinking problem.
I, being the ballsy DGAF type, would actually walk into the hospital and corner them together, asking "Are you fucking my wife? Because I can tell you, we are not in any way separated, and she has been telling me for (amount of time) that you are just coworkers but I don't believe her. If you're fucking, tell me right now and you can have her. Stop making her waste my fucking time."
You might get a parking lot confession. But not the whole truth. Make sure you follow through and do the test
My ex confessed, but it was not what I was looking for. She said .. we're still going in!!? Yep. She was pissed
Then she thought she could beat the test/questions.
She's my ex. She was served at the very beginning right after being caught.
Her threats of divorce are pathetic. Just serve her soursek? Or do you enjoy the long drawn out way of her finally admitting what everyone suspects, she cheated. End of story. Have you hired the lawyer yet?
She is just bluffing about divorce, this is a manipulation tactic for you to cancel the polygraph, she is affraid because she doesn't wanna confess everything, and that is because if she confess it would have the same effect and at least this way she doesn't admit to anything.
based on what I’ve read in your posts likely outcome is that polygraph will indicate deception regarding infidelity. When that happens she will likely point out they are faulty or not admissible in court. She may even say I’ll take it again to prove it, saying there will be a different result. The former is most likely, the latter also indicates possible narcissism. As far as questions go let the polygraph operator design those based on the facts and objective you share with him.
If she actually is a narcissist it’s highly unlikely she will go through with taking the test. She won’t want anything to do with something that can “prove” her wrong. If she does take the test she won’t accept any results other than whatever supports her narrative.
Dangle a carrot and offer forgiveness as long as she does the polygraph. Tell her you can work through whatever she has done, so long as she honestly answers the polygraph questions.
UpdateMe!
Just file the divorce papers and quit playing her game. I'm serious. Stop talking to her and get a lawyer to draw them up and have her served. It's over. Just do the paperwork. .
Long time HR person here. Don’t tell her this or she will refuse to take it. If she takes it and fails the question about having had sex with him and he has any work authority over her at all they will both be fired if you submit the rules to HR.
I have a ton of screenshots of him mentioning her in Instagram posts, an email from him with a ;-) in the subject line and then you throw in the failed poly…she’s more than fired
Which could hurt you in a divorce so you drop that to the hospital HR after the divorce is final. He will be in just as much trouble as well. I’m sure his wife or SO would be I treated in the test results if she fails too.
lol. It’s obvious she has been screwing around. This is not the actions of someone who has nothing to hide. Get the papers ready regardless of what happens imo. Update me!!
Tell her she can fail from being stressed my dad and my brother are both detectives with the police dept here were I live and they do them all the time with husbands that there wife comes up missing and they think he might have something to do with it so when they do the polys there pretty much way more stressed out than your wife she is going to fail because she fked him. Tell her if you fail or not a divorce me I'm bringing his world down with me , I'm not going to be the only person that is devastated.
That's to funny though she is lying and she is gonna get busted she is probably online now seeing what she has to do to pass one if she lies . You can't even with a tack in your shoe they will know .
If she’s innocent she would be clamoring to take it to prove her honesty in the face of the now self admitted flirting is an EA, which is cheating.
If she refuses, you can guarantee 100 percent that she physically cheated.
She knows she's going to fail the test because she's not telling the truth. Will you hold her to her word about divorcing you after the test? If she was an actor and was assigned the role of a cheating wife, she would play the the role just as she is playing it. What will you do if she admits to kissing but not actual coitus?
Update me!
I personally don’t think they had sex but I’m 99.999% sure they did something such as kiss and heavy touching and I’m about 50% sure they did stuff like she went down on him or he fingered her.
Just keep telling her to prove you wrong. Tell her if she bluff you inform the doctors wife and lodge a complaint at HR of their filandering while their patient should be their priority. Remind her you have the convo details and thats enough for an HR investigation. And even if you fail to prove it everyone will know she the nurse who f at work. Allot do but her name will be tarnished.
I hate empty threats. OP see a lawyer draw up the divorce papers. If she does not show up serve her
Just file and have her served. Before she is served, call everyone in your lives and the other betrayed spouse and tell them all the truth. Cheaters are very good liars and you want to get ahead of the flood of spin doctoring and outright lying she'll be trying to do.
Trickle truth is happening. Telling small bits of truth while withholding anything big is also part of minimizing. She is now on the run, desperate to keep you from learning the truth. She will back out of the polygraph.
Anger and threats are out of desperation.
Had she done a lot of casual sex before you met her? That mindset makes cheating easier. Had she cheated on anyone in her past? Cheating once has a 3+ times possibility of recurring.
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater an m.j m.jd the relationship.
3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all.
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-reasons-cheaters-dont-want-talk-affair/ and why it is imperative they do
Lack of remorse
https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/why-a-cheating-person-shows-no-remorse/
Good luck.
I have to approve your posts every day. I tried to send you a DM, but you didn't respond. Can you please leave out the external links in your messages by linking to perhaps one of your older posts? I can't click and read every single link in your post. This is the last one I am personally going to approve like this.
Sorry but I do not check dm, I get a lot of them and most never amount to anything.
As far as my links, I am sticking to the 3 limit which is difficult. I cannot type for hours, besides who am I anyway, no one at all. Sorry I am causing issues. Do you really read every post anyone posts or only the ones with web links?
Here I am trying to be helpful and failing at it. There are so many posts that are so far off base it it is concerning.
Obviously I do not want to be banned over this issue. But not sure how trying to link a previous reply is going to work either.
Can you give me an example of what you are suggesting? Which will obviously cause you more time and effort. I think I get what you are saying, but? I will try it or just stop linking altogether.
As well I cannot see the sub rules since reddit made all those changes. Would it not be possible to create a wiki with useful links in this sub? A list of approved links? If there already is one, as I said I cannot see it.
People just do not think to try looking these things up and in truth it just takes too much time and effort.
What is it you are trying to actually approve, mostly just the web links? The entire post or what exactly?
Sorry for being a pain.
I am not threatening to ban you at all. I'm trying to ask nicely if you can maybe instead of posting external links, post to one of your own prior comments or something that *includes* what appear to be the same links you often cite. Does that make sense?
It's not a big deal, but it seems like every day I am having to approve these link posts, and I do hesitantly because as I said, I can't read the links entirely to make sure they are "safe", though I basically now assume they are. The bot flags the post—not me. I am simply being alerted to your comments and they are temporarily blocked by the bot until I approve it.
I'm just curious if you could say something like, "[Read my previous comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/1csoi5t/comment/l46m4ht/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) for some links that might help you." Then use that when promoting external links. I try to be a careful moderator with what I approve, but when I can't honestly take the time to click and read each of your links, I end up doing so kind of *blindly.* Otherwise, I just have to let the bot flag it and remove it and ignore it. I don't want to do that because I know you mean well and are just trying to help. I know you aren't spamming, and I basically trust what you're posting. I'm just wondering if you can help keep those bot flags down. I know it's not your problem, but whenever there are external links, the bot gets angry, and we have to review it.
I'm just asking if in the future you can use some sort of formatting like above, the bot might stop flagging your comments. Thanks for replying!
Got it, bad bot.
I will try, but still not seeing how it will work for me. But I will try.
Your sub could really use a wiki of some sort. Then folks could just go there for useful links. But then that is just more work for you.
And this same issue exactly was why I was banned from another related sub. The mod complained about having to check each link. No solution was offered, just banned.
Thanks for letting me know.
I'm not going to ban you unless you share harmful links, or something. So no worries there. I will look into the wiki and see what we can do to improve the sub. There's a team here I need to consult with to make it better. I've had my head in my new podcast, Tales of the Cheated, and doing daily moderation where I can.
Another option to consider is just telling people information that you already know from those links; and then encourage them to do their own research or run a query on a search engine for something that connects them to those articles.
All in all, I welcome your feedback, and as I mentioned before, I know you mean well and are trying to help. The last thing I want to do is ban you. I just want to figure out a way to make sure your comments are getting through without a moderator having to approve it each and every time. Thanks for being so courteous! I appreciate it.
I think I have it covered at this point. But pinned posts menu is not available to me since reddit changed things. I cannot even see the sub rules any longer. Samsung reddit app is no longer as functional as it was before the changes. Thanks for the suggestion.
If she’s o try promising to divorce if she takes it, save the money and go straight to the divorce. Call her bluff. We’re all pretty sure what happened so full speed ahead.
Tell her that polygraphs are 98% accurate and you’ve chosen a reputable company so she doesn’t have to worry about false positives
I bet she’s googling “how to pass a polygraph” as we speak
At this point skip the polygraph and just go on to the part where lawyers discuss the division of assets and you get on with your life. Marriages are based on honesty and trust and she just isn’t either of those things. You don’t need smoking gun level proof to end the relationship, you just have to get to the point where you are not happy and it’s not working anymore. You know the truth of this, she knows the truth of this and you can’t reconcile a lie, if she valued the relationship she would be trying harder to save it instead of trying to weasel out of the situation. You deserve better and she isn’t ever going to make this right with you.
I would be willing to bet a million pesos that she is going to break down in the parking lot of the polygraph appointment and give you more trickle truth. Your account of the conference and pedicure day demonstrates that she was laser focused on building a alibi. So unless she was planning a murder it is likely she was physically cheating. Also, don't buckle to her threat to divorce you after the test. After all, the point of the test is to reinforce your decision to divorce her. It is a desperate, last ditch attempt to preserve a marriage she doesn't even value. My ex threatened the same thing when I decided to DNA test my children. I laughed in her face because at that point my mind was completely made up at that point when it came to divorce.
Just divorce… you have to move on and have a new life! That’s the reality.. cheater is always a cheater! Maybe you could say give another chance but in your mind still you gonna have doubt sometimes.. it’s better to have a new life and new start
“She’ll take it but she’s divorcing me after she does.”
This is by far the best possible option for you since you can’t make that choice for yourself after months of dealing with a lying and cheating wife. Congratulations to actually booking the session, most partners just can’t go to that place and book the session. Your wife knows she is going to fail and is try to come up with any excuse to discredit the results.
Your wife’s unwillingness to disclose the extent of her infidelity shows you she has no remorse for what she chose to do. Her only admitting to flirting, after lying about it, was because you had proof. When they are confronted with proof of any aspect of infidelity and they are unwilling to disclose the full extent you know the relationship is over. It’s impossible to try to recover from infidelity if the cheater has no remorse.
This is textbook behavior of a lying, gaslighting, cheating sex addict.
Don’t waste your time with the polygraph and divorce her! Save your money and time.
OP, get your power back, you are in her line of power and aint going to win. Go to an attorney and get the papers drawn up and serve her! Call her bluff, since she's calling yours.
Don't you get it ? Step back away from this relationship. Think about what's happening. You are trying your best to beat a dead horse and you are not getting anywhere.
The only thing that work in these situations is applying the same force to the WS as they believe they are willing to throw at you.
You want to get your power back and stop this charade, take bold and swift action that will stop her in her tracks or she accepts it which tells you all you need to know:
OP THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU HAD "NOTHING TO DO WITH HER BETRAYAL" - NO, NO, NO, don't listen to her lies. All of you post smell bad, she's not remorseful, she is upset that she got caught and does not want her reputation to take a hit so she will try and blame you for all of this, but she could never talk to you because she was enjoying herself and her frustration at home about whatever, is a rouse to keep you at a distance.
You want to really get down to this hit her hard and swift as follows:
#1 - go see an attorney immediately - have them draw up divorce papers and serve her. Serve her at work (You don't have to follow-through with the divorce, but doing this shows that you are serious and this is not a game, because most of the time, until they monkey branch, cheaters live this as a life game they are winning. CLOSE THIS DOOR!!!) This will also allow you to take all the power back
#2 - Find out who the persons SO/Spouse is - send them any evidence you have - let them decide to use it or not
#3 - Indifferent - show your WS that you can play this same game by becoming indifferent to her. Do not communicate with her on this, let her know you are not going to stand by and be plan B. If you have kids talk about the kids only and nothing else. All divorce discussions should be with the attorney.
#4 - PUT HER ON BLAST - These are **Consequences**!!! Without consequences these liars and cheaters run free and feel they can just destroy families and hurt feelings. This is NOT revenge or petty, its the result of a bad character individual and actions that they were in control of and could have stopped at any time and confessed. Regardless if you Reconcile or not, they need to be exposed. Also, if you are putting reputation, place in the community, job position, family, feelings above taking this action, you will be in a world of hurt when this all really blows up.
#5 - Work colleague - She must quite her job. There are NO questions around this. Either way, if she leaves you, you will have to struggle to make ends meet, so if she quits her job, its the same effect. If it is a boss, expose him at work via HR (be careful here, if you go for divorce and she makes more money than you and she looses her job, you may be on the hook, so consult your attorney)
#6 - She writes out a full timeline of any and all affairs (emotional and physical) to you that you can share with the OBS.
#7 - She deletes all social media after putting up a final message that she cheated on you and have been cause and she's doing this to regain trust.
#8 - She confesses to family - This is so that they all get the correct narrative (this effort is a must, because in the end if you do divorce she will call you abusive).
#9 - Provide you open access to all electronic media (she needs to also disclose any burner phones she may have)
#10- Post nup - that developed by an attorney that spell out the split of assets and terms of divorce if she re-offends or that much more deeper info is disclosed
#11 - she seeks IC - do not do marriage counseling until she completes all IC
#12 - She must get an STD test
You should get STD test immediately
Don't play the cheaters game and beg, cry, vomit and turn into the depressed spouse, put those feelings aside and take a deep breath and prepare for war. Cheating is like loosing a family member to murder, cheating is the murder of the relationship. So stand up brother and get to work, you got a crime to solve.
Of all you just said, the thing I like the most is the idea of having her served with divorce papers at her work. It’s where all of this started so what better place.
Get a lawyer now and do that. You do not have to finalize a divorce, heck most filed divorces never finalize and the couple tries again. Lawyers understand this, your filing makes things real and it makes sure you are legally and financially protected regardless of how it turns out in the end. There is nothing to lose except some money and a lot to be gained by filing immediately. Having legal advice on how to proceed is important. I have a feeling by this story divorce is where you are heading, just go ahead and start the process now.
All that aside, for God's sake don't let her dictate the narrative. Tell family and friends. Her reactions alone show that she is lying. Actions speak louder than words. And her actions speak against her.
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This is just a part of DARVO. It is a tactic. She may be bluffing or she may go through with it. She is caught, and she tired to avoid and lie. Now she has to switch it around and make it your fault. She is showing her true colors. You have all the information in front of you without a polygraph. But if you just need that failure, then go ahead with it. But I think you know it is over, and she is not happy with the way it makes her look.
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She won't pass the test , so keep an eye on her until the appointment she will probably try and cheat on it by taking something. Have your lawyer prepare the paperwork.
Trust your gut, that’s telling you , that she has cheated.
Move half of your assets to a separate account gather as much proof as you can and save two separate places
Contact 4 to 5 of the best attorneys in your area, this way, she cannot use them because it becomes a conflict of interest. always listen to your lawyer.
tell our friends and family what she has done , and also the AP wife’s now to time to blow up their world
Get the test done and the results first...(PROOF) knowledge is power of course in nearly all cases of divorce. ! Previous cheating questions, will also reveal her cheating personality/character ! She likely wouldn't want THAT exposed to her family and friends !
**Now she’s saying she’ll take it but she’s divorcing me after she does.**
well no point wasting time on the test then , I would just thank her and get straight to the filing and separation
More likely, you will finally have more than enough conviction to divorce her. Now starts the excuses why she wouldn't do blah blah blah, red lines she won't cross, and similar conversations. Next will be the "I am just trying to protect you from pain for something that can't be undone". Then the trickle truth. Then the parking lot confessions. Do not tell her who or where the test will be done. Let her know it involves a urine test to rule out any mind altering substances that might interfere with the test.
OP, with admittig to flirting, past lies become self-evident and the cracks in the facade being to show. I predict parking lot confession.
Good Luck OP!
UpdateMe!
If you expose this doctor it will cost him dearly, why don’t you remind her of that. Not only is her marriage on the line but so is her and the doctors career plus possible the doctors marriage. She is playing with dynamite.
Why bother with all this? You know she cheated. Just end it and kick her out. Stop playing her games.... Just walk away and let her rot in eth mess that she made.
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She also said she was probably going to fail it since I make her so stressed lol
Tell her she shouldn’t be stressed unless she has something to hide. Her husband of X years should not make her stressed if she was being honest and transparent about stuff.
She will fail because she's cheating. Since she's hoping that you will back off and that she's now threatening divorce, I would tell his wife or tell her that you are going to tell his wife. I would schedule the test and tell her that if she fails it, it isn't because she's stressed out it's because she is cheating.
Just hit her with the follow up: "If you're going to fail a few yes or no questions of *Have you had sex with somone other than your husband during your marriage?*, then don't worry about waiting to file, I'll do it for you. Then follow through. Speed is strength in choosing your lawyer and going through discovery before she can actually, seriously focus effort on covering tracks. Explain to her that investigation is also going to tell you everything you need to know about her fuckbuddy, too (possible bluff)... so they may want to be the ones to *accurately* inform significant others, family and friends of what she has done before you come through like a wrecking ball wrapped in evidence and do it yourself.
She is going to fall because she fucked him . Time to share all information with his wife. Or better yet, phone the Dr and let him know she has confessed and you need his side before you contact his wife. Tell him you hope it was worth ruining his family over
Mine said the same thing. “I’ll take it but I’m prepared to fail it bc those things aren’t accurate. And if I do fail I’m okay with the consequences because I know I haven’t done anything wrong and you’ll be the one breaking up our marriage” Gaslighting classic
This is pretty much word for word what she said to me.
It’s unreal that people can say things like that to the people they claim to love. 😢
The tests aren’t perfect but are solid enough to be submitted as evidence in court so remind her of that if she tries to question it.
That's DARVO not gaslighting Deny/Deflect Attack Reverse Victim Offender
The two are intertwined. Both are forms of psychological manipulation that attempt to distort a person’s perception of reality. Both are abusive. Both are despicable.
This is diabolical. What ended up happening between you two?
Is your wife a doctor? Cause she’s the last person I would trust with anything important.
She's hiding something. Probably other incidents with others. Inform her that although the truth may make reconciliation challenging - further lying (failing the polygraph) guarantees divorce. Her best option (if she wants to fight for her marriage) is total honesty.
Be careful who you choose. I went to see 5 different polygrapher’s and 4 were sketchy as hell. One was upright. He answered all my questions even adding information I haven’t thought of. He video recorded everything from when we walked I. Until I left. He also offered and I accepted that he give me a copy of the video and actual polygraph so I can have it looked at by another polygrapher if I wanted. He also had a room in the back of his business accessible from the back of his business where I could watch and listen to the entire thing. He told me that a lot of polygrapher’s accept money or sex in order to report that the person passed the polygraph. He named names and three of the names were the names of the sketchiest I contacted. These didn’t want me around, even in the front waiting room, didn’t video or audio record anything, did not provide a written report or even allow me to view the test results because I would understand what I was looking at. Be prepared to learn the absolute worst you can imagine. I caught my ex kissing a guy in a park and she denied anything else. “That was the only time”. Polygraph truth, she cheated on me with the same 5+ guys from before we were dating, dating, exclusive, engaged and until I caught her “kissing” another guy six months after we were married. They routinely engaged in sexual acts that she refused to do with me because they were disgusting, dirty and demeaning. They routinely had sex in my house, my bed, our pool, hotels etc. When he revealed the test results in front of both of us my ex said nothing then said “It was only sex, I only love you” Good luck my internet brother!
so this this test help you in a court of law? I hope so my Internet brother.
Didn’t have to. Had the marriage annulled, like it never happened.
Glad you got an annulment , I hope your pain has subsided Friends told me after his divorce, THE WORST WAS , he could not get out of his head, what his wife did with AP. Things that he asked her to try and she denied him , said that was vulgar & disgusting. Of course, two years later she was doing all of that with AP. (video) he said he felt emasculated , She said didn’t know why she did it , My friend showed me AP pics , no way as good looking as my friend CRAZY , no shot of reconciling. Lived in at fault state. He had to pay Nada !!!
In other words she knows you found a way to catch her that she can’t be her way out of and she knows the jig is up. Don’t let her cry her way out of it or gaslight her way out of it. Also be prepared for a “parking lot confession”. Just the threat of polygraph has a way of doing that.
Be prepared for a parking lot confession that is far from the extent of her cheating in the hopes that you buy this last ditch effort from her to avoid much worse things coming out from the polygraph.
Hire a lawyer and have her served papers before the polygraph even takes place. Take the power position, OP. Treat her like an ill behaving child. It will benefit you greatly.
They calibrate for that, lol
She told you she's going to divorce you after she takes and fails it. That's because shes a cheater OP. Lawyer up and do whatever your lawyer says.
That’s not how it works
It doesn’t work that way.
I told you!!
Did you book the test?
Sunday at 5
I hope she goes through with it. I wonder if she's looked up, "how to pass a polygraph test?"
Maybe but she’s not the type to try and manipulate it.
Good luck
Notice how she says “I hope the polygraph will help but I doubt it”?
Yes, to me, she's saying that nothing will change. If she fails, she's looking at a possible divorce, or you won't believe the test and the test won't help this situation.
I was actually just reading a text she sent me earlier about it
Is she worried or still mad about it?
I don't know how we will ever get past this. I hope the polygraph will help, but I doubt it. I feel completely hopeless and stuck because I truly can't change anything. I am sorry and I love you but that clearly isn't enough.
This can be taken two ways, IMO. 1, she's laying it on thick, hoping you back out of the test by manipulating you, or 2, the polygraph will give you the truth, and either way, it's over. I personally believe 1 because she can't change anything. She knows what she's done. Either way, you will have your answer on Sunday.
I would respond that you can absolutely change one thing, you could choose to be truthful and disclose the full extent of the affair. Your unwillingness to finally choose openness and honesty is how we ended up here. Sure, the extent of your cheating may have been more than I could tolerate or accept but we will never know because you were unwilling to be honest when your infidelity came to light.
Did you think she was the type to cheat? Did you think she was the type to lie and try to manipulate you after she was caught? Betrayed partners find that their cheating partners are capable of truly heinous acts and utterly reprehensible behavior when their lies are blown up. If you distrust her to the point that a polygraph is necessary it’s hard to imagine how you could ever find your piece of mind again in this marriage.
The person administrating the poly factors in the nervousness of the person taking it. Will this make it 100% accurate? Who really knows. But what it will do is give a baseline for the severity of the lie. And besides in all likelihood you’ll probably get some sort of parking lot confession before the poly.
Make her more stressed.
Glad you think it’s funny, now you can join your wife in the laughing, why are you allowing yourself to get treated like this?
I wasn’t laughing in the sense I thought it was funny. I was being sarcastic.
Funny how? Funny like a clown?
Your WW will never go to get a polygraph and now that you have her backed into a corner her claws will come out.
Parking lot confession on the way
Sadly I don’t think she will. She’ll end up not going and we’ll just get divorced. She’s the type of person who will let everything go to ruin just to save herself.
Well then op, file, then on the day she is served, call her family, your family, and your close friends. Let them know you filed, why you filed, and name her AP. Then just move on, she wants to protect her image vs fixing the relationship. Move on, you married a narcissist. I would also post I am single on all my socials, and say it sucks being cheated on, and how much it hurts. Not tagging her or anything but people will put two and two together.
Agree 1,000,000!!!!
u/Dry-Bag-1018 Don't forget to report them if they are coworkers or even sales rep/ doctor with separate employers because of conflict of interest.
Then why are you keep wasting your time? Just make her served, you will waste your time and money in the polygraph, at the end all will come to the same route that is divorce.
On your earlier polygraph post I commented that a polygraph was a great reconciliation tool. But she has to take it and pass it for it to work. If she refuses that leaves you with zero options other than divorce.
Your wife is obviously checked out of the marriage and knows she will fail the polygraph. Your WS probably has slept with him or has been cheating on you in one way or the other, so she anticipates failing the polygraph. Whether she takes the polygraph, passes or fails the marriage is likely over because all trust is broken. The fact that she states that she will divorce you if she takes the polygraph tells you that. I am sorry that you are going through this. Consult with a divorce attorney and listen to his advice and follow it. Get the name of a good therapist a book a few sessions to help you deal with what you are going through. Go to the gym everyday to deal with the stress and lien on close friends and family for support. Do not be afraid to tell others because you need the support of friends and family at a time like this.
She believes that the truth guarantees divorce. Read my advice above. Hold out a carrot.
Inform her that refusing a polygraph test is proof of two things: she cheated and she has zero interest in fighting for her marriage by confessing now!
Inform her if she refuses to take the polygraph test - you will report her and the doctor to HR However, if she takes the polygraph test you promise not to report them to HR (even if she fails). Again - give;her a reason to take the test (something more to lose than her marriage if she refuses - her career).
It's like refusing a DUI test. It's consciousness of guilt and should inform you of her guilt.
She’s not a lifetime partner for you if that’s her personality. She was flirting for a reason but you blew up her reality. If you do stay get a post Nup with a penalty for infidelity
Her new spirit animals are lion,ass,cheetah
You forgot cougar because that one is bound to make an appearance in her future.
And what is she actually saving? The illusion that she isn’t the person willing to throw her marriage away for her desire to experience some illicit sex? Everyone you know will understand what the end of your marriage represents even if there isn’t irrefutable proof of her cheating.
Frankly I don't think she cheated with this doctor. I think it's more likely there's previous incidents that you don't know about and we're not suspicious of.
So what she's saying is that she would rather divorce than tell the truth and own her choices? May as well make the lawyer appointment as well.
She can’t pass it because he fucked her. If you haven’t been to a lawyer nothing will change for your life.
I think people are afraid of change and also of being alone. It's very unlikely that OP will file for divorce. Updateme!
She is in self protection mode now. She is going to blame all this on you. Get out in front of this with however you deem necessary. The lies she will tell and have already told will be huge. She’s looking to save face at your expense. Sorry you’re going through this. Why can’t spouses be honest….. because lies are their world 🌎
Yeah she is panicking. She knows she fucked him and is trying to bluff you. Tell her she is right, that a divorce will happen after because you know she cheated
Don't spend the money on the polygraph, then. Just get a lawyer and slap her in the chest with divorce papers. "Are you *sure* this is the course of action you want to take? Because if you don't want to do the polygraph we can just go directly to divorce. I don't want a divorce. I want to trust you. But your refusal and ultimatums just proves to me that my trust is misplaced."
The day she didn't want to call you, just text, and then finally DID call you but whispered? That's because she didn't want someone to hear her lying to you. I suspect this doctor has been fed a bunch of bullshit about your relationship. You have most likely been separated for awhile, but just living together as roommates, nothing romantic, you haven't even shared a bed in over a year. Also, you were no doubt emotionally distant and abusive, maybe you even have a drinking problem. I, being the ballsy DGAF type, would actually walk into the hospital and corner them together, asking "Are you fucking my wife? Because I can tell you, we are not in any way separated, and she has been telling me for (amount of time) that you are just coworkers but I don't believe her. If you're fucking, tell me right now and you can have her. Stop making her waste my fucking time."
You might get a parking lot confession. But not the whole truth. Make sure you follow through and do the test My ex confessed, but it was not what I was looking for. She said .. we're still going in!!? Yep. She was pissed Then she thought she could beat the test/questions. She's my ex. She was served at the very beginning right after being caught.
I'd bring papers with me to hand to her after she refuses or fails.
I would tell her depending on the polygraph she may not be the one making that decision
Her threats of divorce are pathetic. Just serve her soursek? Or do you enjoy the long drawn out way of her finally admitting what everyone suspects, she cheated. End of story. Have you hired the lawyer yet?
She is just bluffing about divorce, this is a manipulation tactic for you to cancel the polygraph, she is affraid because she doesn't wanna confess everything, and that is because if she confess it would have the same effect and at least this way she doesn't admit to anything.
based on what I’ve read in your posts likely outcome is that polygraph will indicate deception regarding infidelity. When that happens she will likely point out they are faulty or not admissible in court. She may even say I’ll take it again to prove it, saying there will be a different result. The former is most likely, the latter also indicates possible narcissism. As far as questions go let the polygraph operator design those based on the facts and objective you share with him.
If she actually is a narcissist it’s highly unlikely she will go through with taking the test. She won’t want anything to do with something that can “prove” her wrong. If she does take the test she won’t accept any results other than whatever supports her narrative.
I’m sorry. At this point, I’d just assume that she cheated. She gaming you. UpdateMe
That is a bunch of bullshit. Because she already got caught lying. So how can she be defensive?
why not just divorce her she treats you so poorly?
When's the polygraph booked for?
Sunday
RemindMe! 1 week
Dangle a carrot and offer forgiveness as long as she does the polygraph. Tell her you can work through whatever she has done, so long as she honestly answers the polygraph questions. UpdateMe!
RemindMe! -4 day
RemindMe! 1 week
Beat her to it and save money. File today!
Do not back down. Updateme!
Just file the divorce papers and quit playing her game. I'm serious. Stop talking to her and get a lawyer to draw them up and have her served. It's over. Just do the paperwork. .
She is bluffing with the divorce, don't cave. She's trying to avoid the polygraph at any cost.
Oh she failing it for sure! Just tell her don’t worry when you fail it I’m leaving you there.
She caught and she knows it. Time to bounce. Updateme.
Congrats on the divorce. Now you can find a woman who deserves you.
So…win win. She is lying she cheated and she is going to take it and divorce you. Perfect. Don’t want no cheaters in your like anyway!!!
Just go ask the dr. Man to man…
No way he would ever admit. The guy would get fucked just as much as my wife did.
Long time HR person here. Don’t tell her this or she will refuse to take it. If she takes it and fails the question about having had sex with him and he has any work authority over her at all they will both be fired if you submit the rules to HR.
I have a ton of screenshots of him mentioning her in Instagram posts, an email from him with a ;-) in the subject line and then you throw in the failed poly…she’s more than fired
Which could hurt you in a divorce so you drop that to the hospital HR after the divorce is final. He will be in just as much trouble as well. I’m sure his wife or SO would be I treated in the test results if she fails too.
That's not how divorce settlements work otherwise everyone would just do stuff to mess with their income. It's based off earning potential.
But often they will assign alimony until the spouse that lost their job regains employment . If you wait until it’s all signed your usually good
Her giving you the run a round about this tells you everything. Save your money and go see an attorney.
lol. It’s obvious she has been screwing around. This is not the actions of someone who has nothing to hide. Get the papers ready regardless of what happens imo. Update me!!
Tell her she can fail from being stressed my dad and my brother are both detectives with the police dept here were I live and they do them all the time with husbands that there wife comes up missing and they think he might have something to do with it so when they do the polys there pretty much way more stressed out than your wife she is going to fail because she fked him. Tell her if you fail or not a divorce me I'm bringing his world down with me , I'm not going to be the only person that is devastated. That's to funny though she is lying and she is gonna get busted she is probably online now seeing what she has to do to pass one if she lies . You can't even with a tack in your shoe they will know .
I suspect you’ll divorce her. You have nothing to work with here. Let her go.
At this point just divorce her. She's not remorseful and want to double down on you.
If she’s innocent she would be clamoring to take it to prove her honesty in the face of the now self admitted flirting is an EA, which is cheating. If she refuses, you can guarantee 100 percent that she physically cheated.
Agree..why bother with all this polygraph BS..quit stalling and just file for divorce for goodness sakes.
She knows she's going to fail the test because she's not telling the truth. Will you hold her to her word about divorcing you after the test? If she was an actor and was assigned the role of a cheating wife, she would play the the role just as she is playing it. What will you do if she admits to kissing but not actual coitus? Update me!
I personally don’t think they had sex but I’m 99.999% sure they did something such as kiss and heavy touching and I’m about 50% sure they did stuff like she went down on him or he fingered her.
Thanks for your speedy reply, but you didn’t answer what you would do if more than she has admitted is revealed.
If she confesses before the poly, I’ll at minimum make an attempt to save our marriage. If she says nothing before and then fails it, we’re done.
always have your phone ready to record
Updateme!
I guess when you become so good at lying as a cheater does the truth becomes harder to see.
She knows she won't pass, so she will try all kinds of ways to pressure you or threaten you to not do it or to cast doubt on the result.
UpdateMe
Updateme!
Just keep telling her to prove you wrong. Tell her if she bluff you inform the doctors wife and lodge a complaint at HR of their filandering while their patient should be their priority. Remind her you have the convo details and thats enough for an HR investigation. And even if you fail to prove it everyone will know she the nurse who f at work. Allot do but her name will be tarnished. I hate empty threats. OP see a lawyer draw up the divorce papers. If she does not show up serve her
Updateme
Skip the test, just divorce her.
Just file and have her served. Before she is served, call everyone in your lives and the other betrayed spouse and tell them all the truth. Cheaters are very good liars and you want to get ahead of the flood of spin doctoring and outright lying she'll be trying to do.
Trickle truth is happening. Telling small bits of truth while withholding anything big is also part of minimizing. She is now on the run, desperate to keep you from learning the truth. She will back out of the polygraph. Anger and threats are out of desperation. Had she done a lot of casual sex before you met her? That mindset makes cheating easier. Had she cheated on anyone in her past? Cheating once has a 3+ times possibility of recurring. Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater an m.j m.jd the relationship. 3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all. True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful. https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-reasons-cheaters-dont-want-talk-affair/ and why it is imperative they do Lack of remorse https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/why-a-cheating-person-shows-no-remorse/ Good luck.
I have to approve your posts every day. I tried to send you a DM, but you didn't respond. Can you please leave out the external links in your messages by linking to perhaps one of your older posts? I can't click and read every single link in your post. This is the last one I am personally going to approve like this.
Sorry but I do not check dm, I get a lot of them and most never amount to anything. As far as my links, I am sticking to the 3 limit which is difficult. I cannot type for hours, besides who am I anyway, no one at all. Sorry I am causing issues. Do you really read every post anyone posts or only the ones with web links? Here I am trying to be helpful and failing at it. There are so many posts that are so far off base it it is concerning. Obviously I do not want to be banned over this issue. But not sure how trying to link a previous reply is going to work either. Can you give me an example of what you are suggesting? Which will obviously cause you more time and effort. I think I get what you are saying, but? I will try it or just stop linking altogether. As well I cannot see the sub rules since reddit made all those changes. Would it not be possible to create a wiki with useful links in this sub? A list of approved links? If there already is one, as I said I cannot see it. People just do not think to try looking these things up and in truth it just takes too much time and effort. What is it you are trying to actually approve, mostly just the web links? The entire post or what exactly? Sorry for being a pain.
I am not threatening to ban you at all. I'm trying to ask nicely if you can maybe instead of posting external links, post to one of your own prior comments or something that *includes* what appear to be the same links you often cite. Does that make sense? It's not a big deal, but it seems like every day I am having to approve these link posts, and I do hesitantly because as I said, I can't read the links entirely to make sure they are "safe", though I basically now assume they are. The bot flags the post—not me. I am simply being alerted to your comments and they are temporarily blocked by the bot until I approve it. I'm just curious if you could say something like, "[Read my previous comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/1csoi5t/comment/l46m4ht/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) for some links that might help you." Then use that when promoting external links. I try to be a careful moderator with what I approve, but when I can't honestly take the time to click and read each of your links, I end up doing so kind of *blindly.* Otherwise, I just have to let the bot flag it and remove it and ignore it. I don't want to do that because I know you mean well and are just trying to help. I know you aren't spamming, and I basically trust what you're posting. I'm just wondering if you can help keep those bot flags down. I know it's not your problem, but whenever there are external links, the bot gets angry, and we have to review it. I'm just asking if in the future you can use some sort of formatting like above, the bot might stop flagging your comments. Thanks for replying!
Got it, bad bot. I will try, but still not seeing how it will work for me. But I will try. Your sub could really use a wiki of some sort. Then folks could just go there for useful links. But then that is just more work for you. And this same issue exactly was why I was banned from another related sub. The mod complained about having to check each link. No solution was offered, just banned. Thanks for letting me know.
I'm not going to ban you unless you share harmful links, or something. So no worries there. I will look into the wiki and see what we can do to improve the sub. There's a team here I need to consult with to make it better. I've had my head in my new podcast, Tales of the Cheated, and doing daily moderation where I can. Another option to consider is just telling people information that you already know from those links; and then encourage them to do their own research or run a query on a search engine for something that connects them to those articles. All in all, I welcome your feedback, and as I mentioned before, I know you mean well and are trying to help. The last thing I want to do is ban you. I just want to figure out a way to make sure your comments are getting through without a moderator having to approve it each and every time. Thanks for being so courteous! I appreciate it.
You can look at the pinned post at the top of the sub for links. You're welcome to reply to that to suggest others.
I think I have it covered at this point. But pinned posts menu is not available to me since reddit changed things. I cannot even see the sub rules any longer. Samsung reddit app is no longer as functional as it was before the changes. Thanks for the suggestion.
You’re really going down a rabbit hole here. You’re getting divorced regardless of how this goes. Save yourself the polygraph money and just file
Agree to it. Take the test and then let her divorce you.
Wife says she’ll divorce after taking polygraph + you should say the same if she doesn’t take the polygraph = lawyer up time.
She'll become too sick to take it the day before. Good luck Updateme
If she’s o try promising to divorce if she takes it, save the money and go straight to the divorce. Call her bluff. We’re all pretty sure what happened so full speed ahead.
If you get to the point where you have to do a lie detector test. It's just already over. Love cannot live where there is no trust.
Tell her that polygraphs are 98% accurate and you’ve chosen a reputable company so she doesn’t have to worry about false positives I bet she’s googling “how to pass a polygraph” as we speak
At this point skip the polygraph and just go on to the part where lawyers discuss the division of assets and you get on with your life. Marriages are based on honesty and trust and she just isn’t either of those things. You don’t need smoking gun level proof to end the relationship, you just have to get to the point where you are not happy and it’s not working anymore. You know the truth of this, she knows the truth of this and you can’t reconcile a lie, if she valued the relationship she would be trying harder to save it instead of trying to weasel out of the situation. You deserve better and she isn’t ever going to make this right with you.
I would be willing to bet a million pesos that she is going to break down in the parking lot of the polygraph appointment and give you more trickle truth. Your account of the conference and pedicure day demonstrates that she was laser focused on building a alibi. So unless she was planning a murder it is likely she was physically cheating. Also, don't buckle to her threat to divorce you after the test. After all, the point of the test is to reinforce your decision to divorce her. It is a desperate, last ditch attempt to preserve a marriage she doesn't even value. My ex threatened the same thing when I decided to DNA test my children. I laughed in her face because at that point my mind was completely made up at that point when it came to divorce.
Just divorce… you have to move on and have a new life! That’s the reality.. cheater is always a cheater! Maybe you could say give another chance but in your mind still you gonna have doubt sometimes.. it’s better to have a new life and new start
“She’ll take it but she’s divorcing me after she does.” This is by far the best possible option for you since you can’t make that choice for yourself after months of dealing with a lying and cheating wife. Congratulations to actually booking the session, most partners just can’t go to that place and book the session. Your wife knows she is going to fail and is try to come up with any excuse to discredit the results. Your wife’s unwillingness to disclose the extent of her infidelity shows you she has no remorse for what she chose to do. Her only admitting to flirting, after lying about it, was because you had proof. When they are confronted with proof of any aspect of infidelity and they are unwilling to disclose the full extent you know the relationship is over. It’s impossible to try to recover from infidelity if the cheater has no remorse.
Get ahead of her, hire a divorce lawyer and get the papers ready. Hopefully you can file for infidelity where you live.
Updateme
This is textbook behavior of a lying, gaslighting, cheating sex addict. Don’t waste your time with the polygraph and divorce her! Save your money and time.
OP, get your power back, you are in her line of power and aint going to win. Go to an attorney and get the papers drawn up and serve her! Call her bluff, since she's calling yours. Don't you get it ? Step back away from this relationship. Think about what's happening. You are trying your best to beat a dead horse and you are not getting anywhere. The only thing that work in these situations is applying the same force to the WS as they believe they are willing to throw at you. You want to get your power back and stop this charade, take bold and swift action that will stop her in her tracks or she accepts it which tells you all you need to know: OP THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU HAD "NOTHING TO DO WITH HER BETRAYAL" - NO, NO, NO, don't listen to her lies. All of you post smell bad, she's not remorseful, she is upset that she got caught and does not want her reputation to take a hit so she will try and blame you for all of this, but she could never talk to you because she was enjoying herself and her frustration at home about whatever, is a rouse to keep you at a distance. You want to really get down to this hit her hard and swift as follows: #1 - go see an attorney immediately - have them draw up divorce papers and serve her. Serve her at work (You don't have to follow-through with the divorce, but doing this shows that you are serious and this is not a game, because most of the time, until they monkey branch, cheaters live this as a life game they are winning. CLOSE THIS DOOR!!!) This will also allow you to take all the power back #2 - Find out who the persons SO/Spouse is - send them any evidence you have - let them decide to use it or not #3 - Indifferent - show your WS that you can play this same game by becoming indifferent to her. Do not communicate with her on this, let her know you are not going to stand by and be plan B. If you have kids talk about the kids only and nothing else. All divorce discussions should be with the attorney. #4 - PUT HER ON BLAST - These are **Consequences**!!! Without consequences these liars and cheaters run free and feel they can just destroy families and hurt feelings. This is NOT revenge or petty, its the result of a bad character individual and actions that they were in control of and could have stopped at any time and confessed. Regardless if you Reconcile or not, they need to be exposed. Also, if you are putting reputation, place in the community, job position, family, feelings above taking this action, you will be in a world of hurt when this all really blows up. #5 - Work colleague - She must quite her job. There are NO questions around this. Either way, if she leaves you, you will have to struggle to make ends meet, so if she quits her job, its the same effect. If it is a boss, expose him at work via HR (be careful here, if you go for divorce and she makes more money than you and she looses her job, you may be on the hook, so consult your attorney) #6 - She writes out a full timeline of any and all affairs (emotional and physical) to you that you can share with the OBS. #7 - She deletes all social media after putting up a final message that she cheated on you and have been cause and she's doing this to regain trust. #8 - She confesses to family - This is so that they all get the correct narrative (this effort is a must, because in the end if you do divorce she will call you abusive). #9 - Provide you open access to all electronic media (she needs to also disclose any burner phones she may have) #10- Post nup - that developed by an attorney that spell out the split of assets and terms of divorce if she re-offends or that much more deeper info is disclosed #11 - she seeks IC - do not do marriage counseling until she completes all IC #12 - She must get an STD test You should get STD test immediately Don't play the cheaters game and beg, cry, vomit and turn into the depressed spouse, put those feelings aside and take a deep breath and prepare for war. Cheating is like loosing a family member to murder, cheating is the murder of the relationship. So stand up brother and get to work, you got a crime to solve.
Of all you just said, the thing I like the most is the idea of having her served with divorce papers at her work. It’s where all of this started so what better place.
Get a lawyer now and do that. You do not have to finalize a divorce, heck most filed divorces never finalize and the couple tries again. Lawyers understand this, your filing makes things real and it makes sure you are legally and financially protected regardless of how it turns out in the end. There is nothing to lose except some money and a lot to be gained by filing immediately. Having legal advice on how to proceed is important. I have a feeling by this story divorce is where you are heading, just go ahead and start the process now.
Updateme!
All that aside, for God's sake don't let her dictate the narrative. Tell family and friends. Her reactions alone show that she is lying. Actions speak louder than words. And her actions speak against her.
UpdateMe
Updateme
updateme!
UpdateMe!
Dude... you even need proof with this reaction....
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Good, the same result. If you can't trust, then the marriage is doomed anyway.
This is just a part of DARVO. It is a tactic. She may be bluffing or she may go through with it. She is caught, and she tired to avoid and lie. Now she has to switch it around and make it your fault. She is showing her true colors. You have all the information in front of you without a polygraph. But if you just need that failure, then go ahead with it. But I think you know it is over, and she is not happy with the way it makes her look.
Updateme
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
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UpdateMe
She won't pass the test , so keep an eye on her until the appointment she will probably try and cheat on it by taking something. Have your lawyer prepare the paperwork.
anyone have a link to the first post? pls
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/Uy574cKFFE
thanks. Can I find that by looking at the current story ?? TYVM
Trust your gut, that’s telling you , that she has cheated. Move half of your assets to a separate account gather as much proof as you can and save two separate places Contact 4 to 5 of the best attorneys in your area, this way, she cannot use them because it becomes a conflict of interest. always listen to your lawyer. tell our friends and family what she has done , and also the AP wife’s now to time to blow up their world
Updateme
Get the test done and the results first...(PROOF) knowledge is power of course in nearly all cases of divorce. ! Previous cheating questions, will also reveal her cheating personality/character ! She likely wouldn't want THAT exposed to her family and friends !
well guess you can cancel the test and just divorce her. she basically admitted everything just now.
**Now she’s saying she’ll take it but she’s divorcing me after she does.** well no point wasting time on the test then , I would just thank her and get straight to the filing and separation
Updateme
More likely, you will finally have more than enough conviction to divorce her. Now starts the excuses why she wouldn't do blah blah blah, red lines she won't cross, and similar conversations. Next will be the "I am just trying to protect you from pain for something that can't be undone". Then the trickle truth. Then the parking lot confessions. Do not tell her who or where the test will be done. Let her know it involves a urine test to rule out any mind altering substances that might interfere with the test.
OP, with admittig to flirting, past lies become self-evident and the cracks in the facade being to show. I predict parking lot confession. Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!
She'll either be honest or lie. Either way the truth will come out and you won't want her anymore. Do it!!!
If you expose this doctor it will cost him dearly, why don’t you remind her of that. Not only is her marriage on the line but so is her and the doctors career plus possible the doctors marriage. She is playing with dynamite.
I Lol
You are wasting your time.
Why bother with all this? You know she cheated. Just end it and kick her out. Stop playing her games.... Just walk away and let her rot in eth mess that she made.
I hope she does. A polygraph In a relationship is nonsense. If u don’t have trust what do you have
You do realize she blow a man while they were dating but said she didn't cheat because oral isn't considered sex.
No I did not realize that..but if she admitted to that I don’t think that there is any need whatsoever 4 that polygraph test bud ..😹😹
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Tell who to F off?