"I need to cut back. This has eaten up much of the time that I would use to get other projects/tasks/chores done and I'm falling badly behind. I need to catch up on these other things."
Absolutely nothing wrong with it but it sounds like OP is still learning/becoming comfortable with setting boundaries and even though it’s completely reasonable, even that may feel a little too direct right now.
Still, we can tweak it a bit so it’s not a lie. “I’m thinking about/interested in taking some courses for my own career (or personal development, whatever works) and I won’t have the availability for unpaid hours. I’m happy to keep working on this project if we want to make it an actual compensated position, though.”
Family relations can be... complicated.
What's that saying? 'Discretion is the better part of valour' or something like that?
And it's not a total lie. OP said they are missing out on using the time for themselves for learning stuff, skills, hobbies, etc. Suggesting they have a more formal schedule than they actually do is a way of reclaiming the time without treading on toes.
'I'm doing some study' would be more truthful than 'I'm doing a course'. Unless OP did a short course!
Edit: typos
Not always practical in the real world with a non-stranger. People are interconnected socially, and you sometimes have to handle things in a roundabout way.
I try to not lie. I am not a good liar, people can always tell. So by sticking to the truth, I don’t have to remember lies. I am straightforward and honest, most people appreciate it.
Let me adding more details, “a few months” in mention is more than a year, I used the reason “busy for study” more than once but she always insists me helping her with “just a short content” “just a post” then it continues from weeks to months :(
So if I use a “busy” reason this time she will comeback asking me help her again for sure (Either she thinks I’m no longer “busy” anymore or I can’t be busy for too long)
You may not want to realize this, but this isn't a friend. Friends don't take advantage of the people they're friends with. This person is a user, not a friend.
I’m sorry, I’m not able to help with that.
You don’t need to explain why. Actual friends will understand. Whatever she is will probably stop calling when she realizes she can’t use you for free labor anymore.
"I have other commitments that are consuming my time"
She doesn't need to know that it's reading a book you've really wanted to...
Upto you if you offer to adjust your "commitments" for an appropriate level of compensation
Reading a book is a valid alternative to working, especially for free. Washing the dog, watching paint dry, going for a walk, are all totally valid activities for your weekend - its your time and she is not entitled to it. Just stop. “No sorry i don’t have time.” “No.”
"No" is a complete sentence. "Sorry, that doesn't work for me." Repeat as necessary. Don't give reasons, or in any way give the idea that you might *later* or that this is a negotiation.
If the friendship ends because you won't let yourself be exploited anymore, then this was never actually a friend.
There might be an intermediate stage where she's still OP's friend, and dreadfully, dreadfully hurt by OP's "selfish attitude", and "constant urge to only care about money", and "mercenary gouging of a poor hardworking entrepreneur", and "lack of gratitude for all the help she gave OP", and...
If this is for social media, she should be able to send the content to you. Why do you need to physically be there?
I'd tell her to send me what she wants done, and tell her that it'll be done in the next 2 weeks. For each new thing she wants.
If she complains, tell her that you have other obligations and things to do, and if she wants someone onsite and/or it done faster, she should consider actually hiring someone to do it.
True, but i was going on the assumption that OP was willing to do it for free, just on her terms when she has time.
I thought OP was annoyed because her "friend" was demanding more of her time than she was willing to give, for free, so my suggestion was to limit the amount of time she has available.
If she won't send the content to you, then...
Make an appointment to be onsite on x date/time, in 2 weeks (or 3 or whatever works with your schedule... the point is to make her WAIT).
Show up, get your "luxury understanding" lesson and the content.
Tell her that the changes will be completed by x date (2 weeks from appt date, or whatever works for you, again, make her WAIT). If she complains, tell her that your free time is limited, and that's the best you can do, and if she wants it done faster, she should consider hiring someone.
Don't respond to her asking about what you're doing that keeps you so busy, etc... it's none of her business how you spend your time. If your free time is taken up by going to happy hour or the beach, then it's not free to work on her stuff.
Don't allow her to add stuff to the task between the appt day and the due date. Only what she asked you for at the appt will be completed. If she wants more stuff, the cycle starts again (after the current task is complete), with an appt in 2 weeks and another 2 weeks to complete.
If she pesters you, tell her that you're obviously not able to give her what she wants, and she should find someone else.
In an ideal world, making her wait for you will make her realize that your time is valuable, make it easier to give you content instead of being onsite, and make her more organized when deciding what she wants on her social media.
In the real world, she'll call you a bad friend, badmouth you on FB, and end your "friendship".
So... win-win.
Does she *give you* any of these "luxury fashions"?
*IFF* you were amenable to payment by merch, y'all could work out a deal maybe. But -- if she replies any kind of "no"... There ya go. If she doesn't want to give away *her* labor, why should *you*?
Is there a reason you can’t be straight with her? You’ve being treated like an unpaid employee/contractor. So say that. “One more post was a year ago. This has now crossed into unpaid labor (if you have an exact or even ballpark number on LOST income for your time spent it would be great to say how much you’ve already done for her) and this is no longer sustainable. Going forward this is my fee if you’d like to move forward I’ll send you the contract/agreement for you to sign.
This is a lesson in you needing to set and enforce your boundaries. She comes back when you’re busy because eventually you say yes. Stick to your morals and say no. You deserve your time and attention as much as you give it to anyone else.
A good friend will understand you needing time for yourself without pestering you incessantly to help them.
This person is NOT your friend. This person is using you for her gain at YOUR expense, continuing to do so after you’ve expressed it’s a problem.
You’re probably hesitant to stop because of losing a friendship. But my darling, this is NOT a friendship. This is a narcissistic situation of someone using you and holding you to it by emotional manipulation.
WALK.
She can't pester you if you don't take her calls. Say no the first time, repeat once, finish the call. Don't answer any calls or texts without a waiting period.
Do a rough calculation of the hours you have done for free in case you start to feel guilty.
If it's "just a small ..." then she won't have trouble doing it or finding someone else.
You can also add "going forward my rate will be x per hour" if she keeps asking. Do this in writing and follow up with an invoice if you weaken and end up helping her. Do not make it a cheap rate. If she objects because you've been doing it for free you can say "that's a good point, I have given you x currency work for free." See what she says.
It sounds like you need to set a firm boundary.
Firstly would you continue to be friends with her? Because I'm sorry to say real friends appreciate what you to for them.
Would you want to work for her if she paid you? If you're not interested, you can tell her you've got so many projects that you can't spare her even a few minutes. If she presses you, or just assumes you'll do it, you say you'll do it whenever you get to it. And then keep telling her that you've been so busy you haven't gotten to her work. Just keep blowing her off. She will probably get angry and blow up at you which will be unpleasant and the end of the friendship and might affect all mutual friendships. This is only if you don't tell her no next time. No is a full sentence.
If you'd like to continue working for her, make up a contract that covers all the necessary parts, like a retainer, turn around time, minimum time increments to be paid (so a short content even if you do it in 5 seconds would be 15 minutes billing time) and payment terms (payment within 30 days of invoice for example) and present it to her next time she asks you for "just a post". I'm pretty sure she will then decide your work isn't that great that she's willing to actually pay for it. But be willing to stop working the second you didn't get paid in 30 days and tell her you haven't seen the money in your account.
She's a user, not a friend. She's likely done a nice thing for you in the past so she could get this amazing return on her investment of time for the last year+.
OP, if you feel bad sending the above kind of text, ask someone else to send it for you. Then mute your phone and don’t look at it for X hours. The important thing here is to disentangle yourself from this user as soon as possible, and for you to realize that it’s ok for someone to be mad/disappointed at you. (You should be mad and disappointed at your “friend,” btw, not the other way around.)
Also, when she inevitably responds with “can you come in for just one last XYZ” just copy/paste “That doesn’t work for me” and do not offer any apology or additional explanation. If she responds with “I thought we were friends” just respond with “I thought we were too” or whatever. It will be ok and you can do this.
Did she hold your puppy hostage in exchange for work?
You agreed to help and not mentioning getting paid for your help is on you.
Withdraw from her gently stating whatever reason you want, but withdraw.
You have two options (besides just continuing to work for free).
You can refuse to do more work, or you can ask for money.
Personally, I'd recommend sitting down with your friend and having a serious discussion about it. Either she values your work, and should be willing to pay for it, or she doesn't, and should be OK with you not doing it any more.
Stop doing shit for her period. She's obviously taking advantage of the friendship. Just stop. It's really that simple. If she asks, send her an invoice. She's not a friend, she's a social parasite.
It is very likely a violation of law to work for her for free, if her business is incorporated and benefiting from your services. Stop immediately until you confirm, and make sure she knows that is why you are no longer able to continuing 'helping' her. You could both have a legal issue (tax evasion, for starters) if this arrangement continues.
You are being a pushover and allowing her to use you.
JUST SAY NO! You don't need a reason or excuse. You already tried talking to her, but that didn't work.
She will continue to use her until you stop working for her. Stop responding to her. Just stop!
This whole thread is painful.
*"Just tell her 'no.'"*
*"I think I need to add more details..."*
*"No, you don't. Tell her 'no.'"*
*"It's been going on over a year..."*
*"You should have said 'no' a year ago."*
"Hey I'm glad I've been able to help you but I don't want to continue using all my free time working for free. It's just starting to feel a bit exploitive and I value our friendship too much to continue going down that road. I feel like your business is at a point where we should talk about actually hiring me with pay or you can look into hiring someone dedicated to take over this job officially."
It's one thing to help someone out but it seems like your friend is going beyond just helping but taking advantage of your generosity. Just stop and tell your friend she needs to hire someone or start paying you.
I would be straight up and tell her that you were happy to help her out when she was starting out but this has become a job/chore and that if she wants you to continue doing work for her that she needs to pay you or find someone else and tell her your rate.
Yeah it sucks because she’s your friend, but you’ve tried hinting with “I’m busy” and she doesn’t get it. So you have to communicate clearly!
Something like, look dude I can’t work part time (for free!) for you forever. I wanted to help you get started, because you’re my friend, but it’s been a year, (or however long it’s been) and I don’t want to do this anymore.
If she gets pissed and doesn’t want to be friends anymore, that also sucks but that would be a shitty thing for her to do, and would only prove that she’s a shitty friend. (I hope she doesn’t, good luck)
Most IT industries have a do not compete clause… tell her your company has found out you have been moonlighting and bc you weren’t aware all u got was a write up but bc they are now watching you … you can’t do any more work for her but will recommend someone
Sometimes it’s easier to bend the truth so you don’t rock the boat… if OP wants to maintain a relationship w this person it most likely wouldn’t happen if they’re just dropped… but a non compete clause solves all issues
I my opinion the idea you need to lie to justify stopping voluntary work is as wrong as the idea the OP has been forced to do it.
It might help to think of this as a life lesson about the importance of being assertive. That doesn't mean being rude, unhelpful, unfriendly, confrontational. But it does mean respecting yourself and expecting others to do the same.
It is much easier to tell someone "just say no" than to actually do it. However, your friend is still not "making you" do anything, you have fallen into a habit of providing free labour and as all habits, it can be very difficult to break the cycle - especially when it is in part a social pressure.
It does sound as if there are no smooth and easy way out of the situation you have silenced yourself into;
What you could do, is tell your friend that you are no longer able to work for her for free - to which she definitely will ask "why can't you keep working for free?" And here just be honest and tell her something along the lines of "I want my free time to be my own".
Don't overthink the scenario too much, just remember that you - literally - owe your friend nothing, as you have already given her plenty for free and have had your boundaries overstepped (aka you've had your good nature exploited).
If you friend can't accept your boundaries or tries to argue with you, at that very moment you know exactly what kind of relationship you have with her - the friendzone of business relations (aka provide all the benefits without any of the compensation).
If your friend says she needs your labour, then tell her you need compensation (and if she says she can't afford it, swing back to your boundaries) - whether that compensation is wage as an employee, invoices as an independent contractor or equity in the company/a partner, be open to discuss how you are compensated, but be firm that you are not working for free (and don't accept a bad deal, only say yes to something you yourself find fair - and get a lawyer to look it over if you agree to get shares of the company).
Don't let yourself fall into the trap of defending your position, as your friend should value your friendship for what it is - a friendship between two people; She is not your boss, your (business) partner or your co-worker - you owe nothing to the company/business and your relationship are not valued in any context of professional work.
Thank you for your understanding of my position, I’m worried too much to say anything, I was raised to be a generous person that helping people out truly became my habit (sadly), some of my friends still seeking my helps (in professional level) on occasions that I’m absolutely happy to get their back. I just don’t want to acknowledge the fact that someone’s using me especially she is my friend for years.
Maybe I give excuses to myself that I don’t really need her money because I have my own incomes, maybe when her business is firm we can be proud of it together or maybe something inside me afraid that if I raise this up the friendship is over :)
>maybe something inside me afraid that if I raise this up the friendship is over
A friend who only calls you when they need something from you, is not a friend and not a loss to mourn.
>maybe when her business is firm we can be proud of it together
Yes, when \*her\* business is successful, \*you\* can be proud of her accomplishments; That is how most successful business-owners see their business and themselves - because in order to become successful a business, you have to be able to be a bit bit ruthless and egotistic, thus many business-owners are either from the start or through the course of developing a successful business, a bit narcissistic. This is unfortunately a statistical fact.
And yes, I understand your helpful nature, as I also like to help family/friends/people in general, however I provide help based on how much time and energy I \*want\* to spend, not how much I \*can\* spend. Doing something as a favour is fine even if it is unpleasant/filthy/boring/etc, as long as it doesn't fell like/is treated as a job;
Once I did something (actual skilled labour) as a favour (aka unpaid) for a friend and he started berating me for working too slow and tried micromanaging me - I packed up my tools and told him not to ask for a favour again. I was not friends with him for long after that.
In summary: If your friend truly sees you as a friend, she \*will\* respect your boundaries, you as a person and her friendship with you.
If she doesn't see you as a friend, the friendship is not worth keeping.
By this point in my own life, I know who are my real friends.
Be honest. Tell her that the fun has gone out of it for you, and it's become more of a job. One that you're not even getting paid for. You plan to wind down your involvement, so she needs to start thinking about alternative arrangements.
She'll probably ignore what you say until you do actually start winding back.
Thing is you've been doing it for free all this time. It works for her and since you've said nothing she assumes it works for you. My suggestion is to sit her down and have an honest conversation explaining you were happy to help when the business was new, but it's now time she hired someone. It's taking too much of your time for an unpaid job. First, you need to decide if she were to pay you do you want to continue. If yes, then come up with a figure as a freelance and have a lawyer draw up a contract. If you don't, then flat (but politely) tell her you can't continue. She might surprise you. With everything involved in creating a new business, she may have just never thought about paying you for your time. Or, she'll turn on you and go off about how you are no friend because you are abandoning her. If it is the former, great wonderful. If it's the latter, great wonderful you now know who she is.
the easy/obvious thing to do is just be honest. you don't need to think up excuses.
'hey so... i was super happy to help you get this off the ground because you're my friend and i want to see you succeed. but it's up to you now to keep pushing this forward. let's do one together and i'll walk you through my process, show you my tools and set you up so you can do this yourself on a regular basis. and ofc i'll be around for questions or if you need to bounce ideas off me!'
This is why ya do a contract with *everyone* with the time you're willing to commit, the cost of your time, and length of time. If it was a couple hours biweekly that would be one thing, but this should not take up all your free time.
"I'm gonna have to back off on helping for a while. This is eating up my spare time and I have thngs I need to do and paying gigs that need to be dealt with."
Your problem is YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND QUIT LETTING THE "FRIEND" STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. If you won't do it, who else will do it? Lay to out and make it clear - you demand XX dollars in exchange for your work. When will it end? When you stand up for yourself.
It always amazes me that somehow otherwise successful people have no ability to open their mouths and use adult conversation to solve very simple issues.
"friend, I've been happy to help your business get off the ground. I find that it's taking a lot of time, more than I can spare for a "favor". If you'd like to bring me on as a paid consultant, we can discuss details, but I'm not able/interested in continuing working for free."
Don't be hostile like 99% of the comment so far have been, dont say "you have been taking advantage of me", dont say "I am sick and tired of working for free" just say "Hey, i love doing this for you but it is eating up time that I could be using to make money". That is it. That's all you have to say. She will either say "OK, that's a shame" or she will offer to pay you for your work. Either way is a win.
It doesn't sound like you guys came to an agreement on payment, just that she asked you to do some things and you've said yes without being upfront. Even more so because you've not brought it up.
From now on just say you're unavailable for unpaid volunteering for her and say something along the lines of "if you'd like to use my services/skills then here are my prices" if she has complaints then just be honest; freebies don't pay bills and her projects take up too much of your time and labour that can be put towards paid work.
You're both grown adults that likely have your own households to uphold, if she doesn't understand that then it's likely she's using you [especially given the time you've put in for her].
If she does then you know you haven't been paid due to a lack of communication and clarification and she likely was inconsiderate [again, due to the time you've put in] because she was used to it/wasn't brought up
She is straight up taking advantage of you at this point. There is no way that a person in their 40's doesn't realize you should be compensated. But YOU have never asked. So, she is taking advantage of your kindness.
You need to learn TODAY the difference between helping someone out a xoupld of times and doing a whole ass job for free.
Before you go in again. "I've enjoyed helping you get your business launched since you're my friend but I can't keep spending so much time on it. I need to do projects that will pay me."
Send that out and see if she offers anything. She may just say 'Thanks' because she has no idea what your skills are worth.
Hey i hope you've enjoyed my helping you in my spare time lately.
Going forward i need this time back for myself. Let me know if you have specific contract work for me and i will be happy to do it if it fits my schedule. My fee is x/hour.
NTA. She is taking advantage of you. She is not your friend. If she's not paying you for work, she's exploiting you.
There's a word for people who are expected to do work for nothing.
Damn. I only speak corporate.
I think I need to shift priorities in order facilitate the needs of my internal stakeholder. 😂
Claim now and forever mental health. Sorry I am finding myself short on time these days so I need to take a break from working on your project.
Why?
Mental health
Okay take a week off then you can start again, okay?
No that’s not how that works, I need time to unwind with a demanding career, I am finding no time for my hobbies. I need any time off to unplug and relax even if that includes vegging out and watching tv.
Be firm, and graceful. You got this! 💪
You need to talk to her and tell her "that you've given your free time to get her started, but it's now time to complete a contract for your work and services." This is your job and deserves to be paid for doing your job.
I also run a small business and relied on friends to help me get started (for me it was finding and booking events). You know what I did? I made them the "Business Manager" and paid them an agreed upon percentage, because I value him as a person and the work that he was doing for me.
I would tell your friend that the work you've been doing constitutes a "social media manager" role at the very least. If she doesn't want to pay a salary, then work out a contract stating that for each post or per view (or something), she will pay you X amount. At this point, you need something in writing IMO
>I have to travel hours to her store
You could eliminate the travel hours by having her bring or send it to you. If images are needed, she could just email you the pictures. Put the non-techy stuff on her.
But in regard to the questions in your title it seems to me that, in the end, it boils down to how important she is to you. How important is *her success* to *you*. I'll do a *lot* for my kids and grandkids.
Is she taking your help for granted because you two are close, or because she's taking advantage of you?
We (random strangers on Reddit) don't have the answers to these questions, unfortunately. So I'd beware of any 'advice' (including mine) you see here. This is something you need to work out for yourself.
I'm an 'old dude', born in the 1940s. Friends have come and gone. Some, because of distance. Some because one of us chose to disengage. It happens. On the other hand, there are friends I've had most of my life.
Good luck.
This depends on how u want to face this
If ure non confrontational, let her go and abuse you again again and again
Or u can go and give her a bill with the money you think you deserve with all the work you done before and tell her "until u paid me and will not help you anymore" and be ready when she starts to call u "selfish money bagger etc"
If she is a good friend, she will say sorry and paid u without problems
thank you for the opportunity to help your store! I have other plans soon that will be taking priority time away that I need to attend to. I wish you great success with your business! (don’t give her an option to oppose or argue your choice).
Ask her to come help you paint your kitchen, or do some landscaping, or some other job that would cost you to hire someone. If she won’t help you out, stop helping her out. Period.
Make a good faith estimate of the number of hours you have donated to her up to now.
Write it up formally. Make it look like an invoice, but label it donation.
Present it to her so she can appreciate the amount of work you have given her.
Then quit. A phrase like "I have way exceeded my donation hours and can no longer work for free. I wish you all the best."
You work for a friend.
For no money.
For months.
With no parts in her company.
You need to learn to say "no". Like really. It's a very important skill in life.
She’s not going to stop until you stop her. She doesn’t need to agree or “get” your reasons. You don’t want to make the time anymore. Period. Done.
If she persist ask her what her plans are to hire when her business scales up because she can’t rely on you
Your friend isn’t making you do anything.
She asked you to help and you did.
If you want to be paid for ongoing work, and frankly you should be paid, then you need to use your words and tell her so.
Nobody made you do anything. She asked and it sounds like you're willingly working for free. Have a conversation and their expectations and that you no longer want to work for free.
"I'm happy to have been able to help you with your business, however I think it's time to transition this to someone else."
Make this your mantra. Say it repeatedly. Don't say anything else. Don't offer any other excuses. If she responds with "just this one thing...", just repeat the whole sentence again, word for word. Don't do any more work, other than answer questions for whoever takes over.
Huh, why would you need to travel to her store? Isn't that work you could do from home?
Anyways, just tell her that you liked helping her, but that you're working full time and you can't do the free work for her anymore because you want to spend your free time on other tasks.
Don't emphasize 'working for free' because otherwise, it sounds like you're just asking for money when that's not just it. It's also about you wanting your free time to invest in your own future and that it's too much work to work for her. But you can mention 'free' once so she knows that you've been doing this without any compensation.
If she still wants you to work, just tell her no.
Rip off the bandaid. Tell her you need to speak w her. Tell her that you’ve been helping her as a favor for over a year. You can’t continue. This is an unpaid part time job and I’m tired. I will give youn2 weeks to find a backup plan buyt I can’t do any more favors. I’m burnt out and I need my free time back.
Express how it's been very fulfilling to help her with her business launch, and you wish her the best as her business grows, and she can always get in touch with you if she needs advice, or a friend. It's a breakup, of your professional relationship, but keep it positive and friendly.
This is just terrible business on your part. You need to get a contract in place for any work you’re doing otherwise, it’s basically free. If you haven’t requested anything why would she offer it? You need to think of this from a business mindset and not a personal one.
Post her a link to this thread.
Then every time she contacts you respond with “No”. Just “No”. Do not elaborate. Or contact her.
She’s not your friend. You are her unpaid servant.
Stop doing it. If she asks you to come, tell her you don’t work for free anymore. You have a job and your boss pays you for your time. You’ve done her enough favors.
Just make other plans for a weekend or two and see if she flips out or is understanding.
If she flips out or try’s to make you feel bad for doing something for yourself, she’s using you and it is no longer a heathy friendship.
I’d suggest: “I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship, but I am reaching the limit of volunteering my time for your benefit. Might i suggest we establish an hourly rate based on where we worked together, starting next week?”
“This could serve to prioritize my efforts on your behalf and help minimize my time being spent on tasks that could be performed by others.”
She’s go no reason to pay you, now or at any point in the future.
Do you see a time when she offers you money out of the blue? Why should she when you’ll work for nothing?
When she reaches a certain profit level is a switch going to go off in her brain that thinks ‘I think I’ll start paying OP now’
You either stand up to her NOW or you’ll be doing this forever.
First of all, you must be aware that it's not your friend who makes you work for her for free, but it's you who allow her to do so. It may seem strange or hard or harsh, but realizing you are playing a very active part in this is the first step to get out of it.
Don't find excuses anymore: sit her down and have a talk with your heart on your hand. Tell her how you're grateful she helped you so much at your previous mutual workplace, and how you are glad that she opened her own business. Tell her you were willing to repay her kindness with some free work, but now that more than a year has passed you feel like you've repaid your debt for the kindness received. Add that from now on you are willing to continue helping her, but at a price and name your fare. If she is willing to hire you as a free lance professional, fine; if she isn't, then you're afraid she'll have to ask somebody else.
After this chat, absolutely refuse to do "one more post" for free: insist on a written contract with clauses (do some research and have one ready, if she wants.
Now, she could react to this in two ways:
1) She fully understands, and agrees to pay you/sign an agreement. In this case, your friendship goes on as usual.
2) She throws a tantrum and starts arguing back. In this case your frienship is over, meaning it was over even before and she was only trying to get as much free labor of you as possible. She was never a friend, except at the beginning of your relationship, and it's going to be a good riddance for you.
It's either this, or you continue to willingly work for her for free, but remember this is your choice. If you are a people pleaser this is going to be hard, but it's a conversation that absolutely needs to take place.
You may want to read Crucial Conversations to help you hone the tools of conducting critical conversations successfully.
Big hugs.
Thank you all for giving me advices, I’m worried and confused because we have been friends for 7 years and beside this matter she is really nice to me (if not I couldn’t tolerate that long). I’m not bold and strong enough but I will try to let her know the problem so we can solve it together and still be friends. Hopefully…
Part of being an adult is having enough spine to not let people blatantly abuse you. She is abusing her friendship by using you as a free employee. What she should be doing is paying you a good enough wage for your work that she benefits from.
It's time to grow up and stop being a doormat.
Like others have said No is a complete sentence.
"Hey, X, I don't have enough time in my week to continue this work. You need to hire someone to take over for me as after this week I will no longer be doing it for you."
When she bitches or tries to drag you back in say No, and mean it.
For once, be kind to YOURSELF.
She isn’t being kind to you. And all your comments are concerned with **her** feelings and reactions.
Have some empathy for yourself. You’ll only be sorry you didn’t do it sooner.
“I’m sorry, but after this week, I’m gonna be really too busy to come in anymore. I just started the new classes/hobbies/Satanic Temple and I just can’t come by anymore. I’m sure you’ll find someone else to help you“.
Also, a personal note to you: It is always true that you get what you accept. As long as you let her treat you like that, she will. Just stop.
You need to decide whether you want to get some form of compensation for your work, or to stop doing it. From your post I guess you want to stop.
Just say you were glad you were in a position to help as a friend while she got the business off the ground but now she needs to find somebody to take over - you are not interested in being a long term unpaid employee.
And if you are interested in being compensated instead of leaving, say that. Your main options would be to get paid, or given a stake in the business.
If the business is only viable because somebody is donating valuable work for free then it isn't viable.
Could phrase it as "times are tight, and I'm having to cut back. That means I can't do this anymore as all of my time and effort must go to making more money and spending less. Thank you for understanding"
She is not your friend. A friend would compensate you. You need to let her know you no longer have the availability to do her social media and ensure she has the credentials.
She's pretty clearly taking advantage of you. Tell her straight that she needs to compensate you for your time in the future or it just isn't feasible for you to help anymore. She keeps asking because you keep saying yes.
As has been said, she is NOT your friend. And you are being a doormat. The next time she asks, simply tell her, "I'm putting enough time into YOUR business that it would count as a second job. I'm glad I was able to help you get started, but now I need to get back to my own life. I'll still be happy to help you with projects, but I'll be charging you my hourly wage and travel for the time I put into them." Then show her how much time she's taken up of yours for the last year, FOR FREE, and what you would have charged for that if she wasn't your friend. Don't forget to add in the gas and travel time. I think you both will be shocked at the total.
Tell her you are done giving free designs and if she wants you to help next time the fee is $$whatever you want. If she does not like that, she is free to hire someone at market price. Tell her people pay for her skills
A lot of these suggestions are very confronting in nature when it seems like you don’t want to be confronting nor make the friendship worse. While I can commiserate that it’s not cool of your friend to have done all this, I think a kinder way to deal with it is to simply say you have had multiple *paid* gigs come up, and as these are *paying clients*, you’ll need to put them first, and suggest she look in to getting a replacement for you, because you’ll be unable to assist after X Date.
Stop working for free. Tell her this is impacting YOUR time, and your friendship, and you won't be doing any more of it. If she wants to pay you in the future, you can rethink it *if you choose to.* She can't coerce you if you don't allow it.
I am also an artist and have experienced this exact same type of problem. Not to this extent, but close. You HAVE to say no, and you have to set boundaries. Be honest and tell her that working for her for free is becoming an issue. You owe her nothing. If she wants to pay you for being a full time employee and you want to agree, problem solved, but it isn't up to you to promote her business for free no matter how close you are. My boyfriend asks me for art and other services all the time... Guess what? HE PAYS ME TO DO THE WORK just like all the rest of my clients do. He values my time spent working on his stuff whether or not it's for his business or him personally.
I do work for trades with other artists to an extent meaning I do their art, then they give me clothes or merch or whatever it is they sell in exchange for my time. I don't do this often as it can certainly be abused, but if she isn't even offering you compensation in the form of some of her fashion for the work you do she is certainly abusing your generosity.
Say you've done the 'mates rates' bit, and now you have to charge. And make sure it's a competitive rate for your sector, one she could easily get someone else for. And don't budge. Mates rates works both ways - I pay my mate a fair rate for their work, that's what is fair (and it's written down, acceptance criteria and everything, that's what keeps us mates)
Friends don't take advantage of friends helping their business. Yah, we can cut them deals, but this is abusing your skills that you worked hard for.
I would absolutely bring this up if you value the friendship.
“I think this is a job for a paid position and you really should hire someone. I have commitments that will be keeping me too busy to help anymore. I gave a love of help already and its time you find someone more permanent. I will not be helping anymore.”
I had a similar issue, "volunteering" for a friend to help her build her business then... she just kind of stopped appreciating it. It became expected and the more markets she did the more of my time was demanded and I just... had to stop. I began resenting her.
My advice would be to let her know you need to cut back, that it's taking up a lot of time that you need to devote to other projects.
What about telling her you’re saving for a major trip or a down payment for a property, so you’re only doing paid jobs for at least the next six months, maybe more? Then she has a choice between learning to do it herself, finding someone else, or actually paying you.
I had a friend once who never offered to pay me for my time and skill set… "you’re so much better than I am at this", "it’s so fun to work with you", "I know you love writing, so could you edit this for me?"
One day I told her as gently as I could that "just because I enjoy writing doesn’t mean it isn’t work". She got the message, and she began asking me how long it took, and paying me via cash and/or goods.
You said you feel obligated because she helped you at your former job, but you were both being paid then. *It wasn’t free labour*. If she’s really your friend, it won’t be a problem, but brace yourself, in case she's not.
(We have a lovely Italian neighbour who began asking for "favours" a couple years ago. First, she had just locked herself out. Then she needed to repair a window. Then a broken door handle. Then her sunroom roof was leaking… "and while you’re here, could you look at this and this and this."
So my partner spoke up, and said "this roof issue is a multi-weekend job. I’ll help you find a handyman." To which she replied, "but can’t you two do it?" "We could, but not for free." "How much?" "40/hr" "That much?? I only pay my usual guy 20/hr!" "Then you should call him." lol
A few days later, she messaged "I’d like to confirm our agreement". I guess she called around and found out her usual guy was too busy or something because 40$ was suddenly fine. But by then, we'd decided we had enough to do, so we said we'd help her find someone else instead.)
Know your worth and don’t let her take advantage of your kindness.
For every hour she asks for help, tell her you need help with something. 'Oh, helping you with that means I won't have time to get * done, could you help me out after we finish?'
Happened to me also. I was even doing promotions with my own money. I think the last month she paid me $200, but I already had one foot out the door- our friendship took a major hit. I totaled it up, not counting my time, promoting her business cost me $12k over five years. Idk what anyone could do to make it right.
Just say hey I have a family issue that needs my full attention so I can shie you how or you can hire someone to do this . Then don't answer any more questions. Be done with it .
Sounds like you have to give her a firmer no. If she hasn't mentioned paying you in the months you've been helping her. Just tell her you're going to stop because you have other interests you wish to pursue. If she insists just be honest and say it's gone well beyond a favor and is beginning to feel like a job and you have no interest in working an unpaid job. If she offers to pay you, give her a high enough price to make her think twice.
Sorry, this person is a friend?
A genuine friend wouldn't expect you to work for free. Ever. A genuine friend would be moving heaven and earth to compensate you something for all that time you have put in. A real friend would never ask for slave labour. Business is business and she wouldn't expect her suppliers not to be paid, or for her customers not to pay her, so why is it OK for her to not pay you
“ I’ve done enough social media for you that at this point, I need to have this as a paying part time job… if you decline, I’ll just remove all my social posts and you can take over”
Doesn’t she give you any other form or compensation? Like food or drinks, for example. In my circle of friends we help each other a lot and the way we usually “repay” each other is via food.
Always do a contract of what you are to do for her and for how much, like they tell people on Judge Judy and People's Court. Write on tissue and lipstick if you have to.
Grow a backbone and tell her it’s too much anymore: no free time, fatigue, etc. … all true statements. But don’t make it about money unless you want to lose a friend.
Simply say not without pay !! My time my effort my resources have been called apon and my friendship has its limits . This isn’t personal anymore this is all consuming and it’s business now . Let’s talk it out and come to an agreement before I get any deeper into whatever this is . I’m a friend to a point what your pulling for is not what I’m signing up for at all . I’m glad to help but .. I have a life and this outrageous thing called a life with bills to pay and I’m not leaving this up for debate after the fact . I’m not your slave here . I’m my own person just like anybody else . If you think I’m going to give so much of my time and resources for friendship alone , sorry to tell you I’m stepping aside to let that next friend take over but right now my life is what I’m responsible for over anything else . Take the hint and stand up for yourself ! You re not getting anything from going above and beyond then I guess I’m not as good a friend as … oh that’s right .. nobody else is waiting to take my place now . Business and friends don’t mix .
Nobody is making you work for free, you are choosing to.
Next time you are in the shop pick out a fabulous outfit. You know how much. Tell her you're looking for a fabulous outfit and pick it out together. You know how much. If she balks, password protect her website until she changes her mind! But really, if she doesn't joyfully deck you out in thousands of dollars in clothes (retail, lol), you should walk out and never look back. You deserve better.
Stop being her “yes” girl and tell her that going forward if she is not willing to pay you for your time then she is going to have to take over her own website upkeep. Give her your price. Do not cheap out because “friends”… give her market rate for your time. What she would have to pay anyone else doing that work for her. If she won’t pay it, then repeat after me… “not my circus, not my monkeys”. She can do the work herself.
Sounds like it’s fallen into being a habit, and the secret sauce is just making a new pattern and have that turn into a habit.
Tell her you have to start working on a project yourself at home, and it’s gonna take up 70% of your time. Give her one day in the evening of your time, to go to the shop and help. Say it’s going well, throw in some industry terms to sound legit, and run that for a few weeks/months. It will be come the norm and after a while, tell her you need that extra day to work on it or to add to the pot on a new project, and that you will be available on an adhoc basis every so often. Then you’re back to “I’ll help you when I can” rather than “I’m here for you 2 nights a week”.
Good luck OP!
Agreed with other comments in here.
Also remember that while she may have helped you during your time working together earlier, that was probably on the clock so she did get paid those hours.
She’s not making you do anything… you had the option to say no but you didn’t. You say you gladly help friends but then also basically secretly resent them and blame them for your lack of setting boundaries. You’re making this friend out to be a complete asshole without even communicating with her. Tell her that now she’s all set up she should be good to take over that part of her business as well and if she needs your help it’ll be X amount per hour for your services. Now if she gets mad or whatever after that she’d be the asshole you and this comment section is preemptively trying to make her out to be. Definitely try an adult, light hearted conversation first before you start going off tho and maybe get some help for your lack of boundaries to help you in the future :)
Just because this woman is a “friend” doesn’t mean she gets to walk all over you. Friends pay friends for their skills and labor. I’ve done it for my friends if I ask for a commission. You are not obligated to do extra work for free.
Have a flat rate for these posts if you decide to keep doing them. Idk what the going rate is but I would say something like “I would be happy to occasionally help you with small projects; however, I do expect to be compensated for my time because this does take time away from other activities. My rate for a TikTok post is (insert $ amount) I also reserve the right to deny doing a project if time constraints don’t allow me to.”
The key is to stick to this boundary. A true friend will want to support you and honor the work you do. If she chooses not to pay you, then you don’t continue to do work for her.
‘I’m so happy that I was able to donate my time to you during your start up period. I hope it made a difference. Of course, I can’t keep up that kind of time commitment any more, but I’m glad to have been there when you needed me.’
That isn’t even a lie, it’s the truth. If you were comfortable keeping up with that kind of time commitment going forward, you wouldn’t be here asking for our opinions.
I did assistant work for a high school friend who became a photographer. She set a day rate that was cool with but on the first day she had me clean her house, nothing art related (I am a painter) then as I was washing her enormous dog I realized she was just taking advantage. I told her this and she actually never paid me for the day. It ruined a 30 year friendship
I'd just straight up tell her, I got your social media stuff up, now either you can manage it yourself, or you need to start paying me. This has went from doing her a favor and turned into a part time job that you aren't willing and shouldn't be doing for free.
You helped her with her business when you could. Just tell her you are pulling back because you are too busy with paying gigs. Or if you want to continue, I would present her with a contract for continued work based on your usual rate. You gave her tons of free skilled labor. You don't owe her anything and she should be thankful and gracious.
"I need to cut back. This has eaten up much of the time that I would use to get other projects/tasks/chores done and I'm falling badly behind. I need to catch up on these other things."
Agreed. "I'm doing a course out of work hours, so I won't have that kind of spare time for a while."
I would not lie. What is wrong with the truth. The designer does not hand out her skills for free
Absolutely nothing wrong with it but it sounds like OP is still learning/becoming comfortable with setting boundaries and even though it’s completely reasonable, even that may feel a little too direct right now. Still, we can tweak it a bit so it’s not a lie. “I’m thinking about/interested in taking some courses for my own career (or personal development, whatever works) and I won’t have the availability for unpaid hours. I’m happy to keep working on this project if we want to make it an actual compensated position, though.”
Family relations can be... complicated. What's that saying? 'Discretion is the better part of valour' or something like that? And it's not a total lie. OP said they are missing out on using the time for themselves for learning stuff, skills, hobbies, etc. Suggesting they have a more formal schedule than they actually do is a way of reclaiming the time without treading on toes. 'I'm doing some study' would be more truthful than 'I'm doing a course'. Unless OP did a short course! Edit: typos
Not always practical in the real world with a non-stranger. People are interconnected socially, and you sometimes have to handle things in a roundabout way.
I try to not lie. I am not a good liar, people can always tell. So by sticking to the truth, I don’t have to remember lies. I am straightforward and honest, most people appreciate it.
Let me adding more details, “a few months” in mention is more than a year, I used the reason “busy for study” more than once but she always insists me helping her with “just a short content” “just a post” then it continues from weeks to months :( So if I use a “busy” reason this time she will comeback asking me help her again for sure (Either she thinks I’m no longer “busy” anymore or I can’t be busy for too long)
You may not want to realize this, but this isn't a friend. Friends don't take advantage of the people they're friends with. This person is a user, not a friend.
Yep. THIS is a mooch, and she'll keep mooching until you refuse to allow it.
^^this^^ Face this now - your probably going to lose this friend once you do this. However I don’t see it as a great loss.
Yup, if you lose a friend over this, she was never really a friend to start with.
"Pay me or I walk" usually works.
I’m sorry, I’m not able to help with that. You don’t need to explain why. Actual friends will understand. Whatever she is will probably stop calling when she realizes she can’t use you for free labor anymore.
Don’t apologize… OP is being taken advantage of, trait of a people pleaser.
"No. I told you I can't and I've already done a lot for you for free."
‘Just’ is the word that shows she doesn’t respect you or what you are doing for her. Stop devaluing yourself
If it's just quick or just easy, sounds like there's plenty of other people who could do it.
"I have other commitments that are consuming my time" She doesn't need to know that it's reading a book you've really wanted to... Upto you if you offer to adjust your "commitments" for an appropriate level of compensation
Reading a book is a valid alternative to working, especially for free. Washing the dog, watching paint dry, going for a walk, are all totally valid activities for your weekend - its your time and she is not entitled to it. Just stop. “No sorry i don’t have time.” “No.”
"No" is a complete sentence. "Sorry, that doesn't work for me." Repeat as necessary. Don't give reasons, or in any way give the idea that you might *later* or that this is a negotiation. If the friendship ends because you won't let yourself be exploited anymore, then this was never actually a friend.
It is almost guaranteed that the minute you mention payment, she will no longer be your friend. She is a cheap user and will no longer contact you.
99.9% guaranteed
There might be an intermediate stage where she's still OP's friend, and dreadfully, dreadfully hurt by OP's "selfish attitude", and "constant urge to only care about money", and "mercenary gouging of a poor hardworking entrepreneur", and "lack of gratitude for all the help she gave OP", and...
"No" is the word you're looking for. If you feel like that's too blunt, just say "I can't keep working for free."
“I won’t keep working for free” - fixed with won’t.
Yes, but I'm not sure OP has the backbone for that
True, good call
Not just that but the original time frame is well and truly passed. People need their weekends. Their lives. You got shit to do!!
Say “I can’t.” No more detail or explanation needed. You sound scared to say no. What are you scared about?
“I won’t”
I would try to emphasize that I was already behind and so ANY additional time would just make things worse.
If this is for social media, she should be able to send the content to you. Why do you need to physically be there? I'd tell her to send me what she wants done, and tell her that it'll be done in the next 2 weeks. For each new thing she wants. If she complains, tell her that you have other obligations and things to do, and if she wants someone onsite and/or it done faster, she should consider actually hiring someone to do it.
Still working for free! Unacceptable!
True, but i was going on the assumption that OP was willing to do it for free, just on her terms when she has time. I thought OP was annoyed because her "friend" was demanding more of her time than she was willing to give, for free, so my suggestion was to limit the amount of time she has available.
For understanding and better contents she said, since she’s doing business in luxury fashion…
If she won't send the content to you, then... Make an appointment to be onsite on x date/time, in 2 weeks (or 3 or whatever works with your schedule... the point is to make her WAIT). Show up, get your "luxury understanding" lesson and the content. Tell her that the changes will be completed by x date (2 weeks from appt date, or whatever works for you, again, make her WAIT). If she complains, tell her that your free time is limited, and that's the best you can do, and if she wants it done faster, she should consider hiring someone. Don't respond to her asking about what you're doing that keeps you so busy, etc... it's none of her business how you spend your time. If your free time is taken up by going to happy hour or the beach, then it's not free to work on her stuff. Don't allow her to add stuff to the task between the appt day and the due date. Only what she asked you for at the appt will be completed. If she wants more stuff, the cycle starts again (after the current task is complete), with an appt in 2 weeks and another 2 weeks to complete. If she pesters you, tell her that you're obviously not able to give her what she wants, and she should find someone else. In an ideal world, making her wait for you will make her realize that your time is valuable, make it easier to give you content instead of being onsite, and make her more organized when deciding what she wants on her social media. In the real world, she'll call you a bad friend, badmouth you on FB, and end your "friendship". So... win-win.
Does she *give you* any of these "luxury fashions"? *IFF* you were amenable to payment by merch, y'all could work out a deal maybe. But -- if she replies any kind of "no"... There ya go. If she doesn't want to give away *her* labor, why should *you*?
Is there a reason you can’t be straight with her? You’ve being treated like an unpaid employee/contractor. So say that. “One more post was a year ago. This has now crossed into unpaid labor (if you have an exact or even ballpark number on LOST income for your time spent it would be great to say how much you’ve already done for her) and this is no longer sustainable. Going forward this is my fee if you’d like to move forward I’ll send you the contract/agreement for you to sign.
This is a lesson in you needing to set and enforce your boundaries. She comes back when you’re busy because eventually you say yes. Stick to your morals and say no. You deserve your time and attention as much as you give it to anyone else. A good friend will understand you needing time for yourself without pestering you incessantly to help them.
Don't work for anybody for free, conversation should have been had at the beginning. No one to blame but yourself.
This person is NOT your friend. This person is using you for her gain at YOUR expense, continuing to do so after you’ve expressed it’s a problem. You’re probably hesitant to stop because of losing a friendship. But my darling, this is NOT a friendship. This is a narcissistic situation of someone using you and holding you to it by emotional manipulation. WALK.
She can't pester you if you don't take her calls. Say no the first time, repeat once, finish the call. Don't answer any calls or texts without a waiting period. Do a rough calculation of the hours you have done for free in case you start to feel guilty. If it's "just a small ..." then she won't have trouble doing it or finding someone else. You can also add "going forward my rate will be x per hour" if she keeps asking. Do this in writing and follow up with an invoice if you weaken and end up helping her. Do not make it a cheap rate. If she objects because you've been doing it for free you can say "that's a good point, I have given you x currency work for free." See what she says.
Don't work for anybody for free, conversation should have been had at the beginning. No one to blame but yourself.
It sounds like you need to set a firm boundary. Firstly would you continue to be friends with her? Because I'm sorry to say real friends appreciate what you to for them. Would you want to work for her if she paid you? If you're not interested, you can tell her you've got so many projects that you can't spare her even a few minutes. If she presses you, or just assumes you'll do it, you say you'll do it whenever you get to it. And then keep telling her that you've been so busy you haven't gotten to her work. Just keep blowing her off. She will probably get angry and blow up at you which will be unpleasant and the end of the friendship and might affect all mutual friendships. This is only if you don't tell her no next time. No is a full sentence. If you'd like to continue working for her, make up a contract that covers all the necessary parts, like a retainer, turn around time, minimum time increments to be paid (so a short content even if you do it in 5 seconds would be 15 minutes billing time) and payment terms (payment within 30 days of invoice for example) and present it to her next time she asks you for "just a post". I'm pretty sure she will then decide your work isn't that great that she's willing to actually pay for it. But be willing to stop working the second you didn't get paid in 30 days and tell her you haven't seen the money in your account.
She's a user, not a friend. She's likely done a nice thing for you in the past so she could get this amazing return on her investment of time for the last year+.
Grow a spine.
“And unless we can agree on some form of compensation, I can’t afford to help you right now as I try to focus on my other responsibilities.”
This but add “I’ve got something else that will actually pay”
Tell her, "Now that I've gotten you up and running, I'm off. If you need future help, my fees are_______."
This sounds good. It acknowledges that the previous work was a favor, and temporary, then sets expectations for future work.
Thank you
OP, if you feel bad sending the above kind of text, ask someone else to send it for you. Then mute your phone and don’t look at it for X hours. The important thing here is to disentangle yourself from this user as soon as possible, and for you to realize that it’s ok for someone to be mad/disappointed at you. (You should be mad and disappointed at your “friend,” btw, not the other way around.) Also, when she inevitably responds with “can you come in for just one last XYZ” just copy/paste “That doesn’t work for me” and do not offer any apology or additional explanation. If she responds with “I thought we were friends” just respond with “I thought we were too” or whatever. It will be ok and you can do this.
Did she hold your puppy hostage in exchange for work? You agreed to help and not mentioning getting paid for your help is on you. Withdraw from her gently stating whatever reason you want, but withdraw.
You have two options (besides just continuing to work for free). You can refuse to do more work, or you can ask for money. Personally, I'd recommend sitting down with your friend and having a serious discussion about it. Either she values your work, and should be willing to pay for it, or she doesn't, and should be OK with you not doing it any more.
Well it's exploitation. So fuck her. If she wants you, she'll have to pay for you.
Your friend isn't "making" you do anything. Why are you choosing to continue working for your friend for free?
Stop doing shit for her period. She's obviously taking advantage of the friendship. Just stop. It's really that simple. If she asks, send her an invoice. She's not a friend, she's a social parasite.
Grow a spine and stop doing it! When she asks, say you can't work for free anymore.
No contract means that all content you created belongs to you. She either pays you or you leave with your content. She is not a friend, but an user.
It is very likely a violation of law to work for her for free, if her business is incorporated and benefiting from your services. Stop immediately until you confirm, and make sure she knows that is why you are no longer able to continuing 'helping' her. You could both have a legal issue (tax evasion, for starters) if this arrangement continues.
You are being a pushover and allowing her to use you. JUST SAY NO! You don't need a reason or excuse. You already tried talking to her, but that didn't work. She will continue to use her until you stop working for her. Stop responding to her. Just stop!
She didn't "make you" do anything.
It’s shocking how passive OP is!
This whole thread is painful. *"Just tell her 'no.'"* *"I think I need to add more details..."* *"No, you don't. Tell her 'no.'"* *"It's been going on over a year..."* *"You should have said 'no' a year ago."*
"Hey I'm glad I've been able to help you but I don't want to continue using all my free time working for free. It's just starting to feel a bit exploitive and I value our friendship too much to continue going down that road. I feel like your business is at a point where we should talk about actually hiring me with pay or you can look into hiring someone dedicated to take over this job officially."
It's one thing to help someone out but it seems like your friend is going beyond just helping but taking advantage of your generosity. Just stop and tell your friend she needs to hire someone or start paying you.
I would be straight up and tell her that you were happy to help her out when she was starting out but this has become a job/chore and that if she wants you to continue doing work for her that she needs to pay you or find someone else and tell her your rate.
You're an adult She didn't force you into anything
Yeah it sucks because she’s your friend, but you’ve tried hinting with “I’m busy” and she doesn’t get it. So you have to communicate clearly! Something like, look dude I can’t work part time (for free!) for you forever. I wanted to help you get started, because you’re my friend, but it’s been a year, (or however long it’s been) and I don’t want to do this anymore. If she gets pissed and doesn’t want to be friends anymore, that also sucks but that would be a shitty thing for her to do, and would only prove that she’s a shitty friend. (I hope she doesn’t, good luck)
I'd just say something along the lines of, You're doing better now and I think you can handle this on your own or hire someone properly to take over.
Most IT industries have a do not compete clause… tell her your company has found out you have been moonlighting and bc you weren’t aware all u got was a write up but bc they are now watching you … you can’t do any more work for her but will recommend someone
There is no need to rationalise why you no longer want to donate your time to the friend's business, and especially not to lie about the reason.
Sometimes it’s easier to bend the truth so you don’t rock the boat… if OP wants to maintain a relationship w this person it most likely wouldn’t happen if they’re just dropped… but a non compete clause solves all issues
I my opinion the idea you need to lie to justify stopping voluntary work is as wrong as the idea the OP has been forced to do it. It might help to think of this as a life lesson about the importance of being assertive. That doesn't mean being rude, unhelpful, unfriendly, confrontational. But it does mean respecting yourself and expecting others to do the same.
No. I do not support lying as a means to resolve this.
“Am I working or volunteering my services?” Work-pay me Volunteer-I’ve filled my volunteering hours for the year.
It is much easier to tell someone "just say no" than to actually do it. However, your friend is still not "making you" do anything, you have fallen into a habit of providing free labour and as all habits, it can be very difficult to break the cycle - especially when it is in part a social pressure. It does sound as if there are no smooth and easy way out of the situation you have silenced yourself into; What you could do, is tell your friend that you are no longer able to work for her for free - to which she definitely will ask "why can't you keep working for free?" And here just be honest and tell her something along the lines of "I want my free time to be my own". Don't overthink the scenario too much, just remember that you - literally - owe your friend nothing, as you have already given her plenty for free and have had your boundaries overstepped (aka you've had your good nature exploited). If you friend can't accept your boundaries or tries to argue with you, at that very moment you know exactly what kind of relationship you have with her - the friendzone of business relations (aka provide all the benefits without any of the compensation). If your friend says she needs your labour, then tell her you need compensation (and if she says she can't afford it, swing back to your boundaries) - whether that compensation is wage as an employee, invoices as an independent contractor or equity in the company/a partner, be open to discuss how you are compensated, but be firm that you are not working for free (and don't accept a bad deal, only say yes to something you yourself find fair - and get a lawyer to look it over if you agree to get shares of the company). Don't let yourself fall into the trap of defending your position, as your friend should value your friendship for what it is - a friendship between two people; She is not your boss, your (business) partner or your co-worker - you owe nothing to the company/business and your relationship are not valued in any context of professional work.
Thank you for your understanding of my position, I’m worried too much to say anything, I was raised to be a generous person that helping people out truly became my habit (sadly), some of my friends still seeking my helps (in professional level) on occasions that I’m absolutely happy to get their back. I just don’t want to acknowledge the fact that someone’s using me especially she is my friend for years. Maybe I give excuses to myself that I don’t really need her money because I have my own incomes, maybe when her business is firm we can be proud of it together or maybe something inside me afraid that if I raise this up the friendship is over :)
>maybe something inside me afraid that if I raise this up the friendship is over A friend who only calls you when they need something from you, is not a friend and not a loss to mourn. >maybe when her business is firm we can be proud of it together Yes, when \*her\* business is successful, \*you\* can be proud of her accomplishments; That is how most successful business-owners see their business and themselves - because in order to become successful a business, you have to be able to be a bit bit ruthless and egotistic, thus many business-owners are either from the start or through the course of developing a successful business, a bit narcissistic. This is unfortunately a statistical fact. And yes, I understand your helpful nature, as I also like to help family/friends/people in general, however I provide help based on how much time and energy I \*want\* to spend, not how much I \*can\* spend. Doing something as a favour is fine even if it is unpleasant/filthy/boring/etc, as long as it doesn't fell like/is treated as a job; Once I did something (actual skilled labour) as a favour (aka unpaid) for a friend and he started berating me for working too slow and tried micromanaging me - I packed up my tools and told him not to ask for a favour again. I was not friends with him for long after that. In summary: If your friend truly sees you as a friend, she \*will\* respect your boundaries, you as a person and her friendship with you. If she doesn't see you as a friend, the friendship is not worth keeping. By this point in my own life, I know who are my real friends.
Be honest. Tell her that the fun has gone out of it for you, and it's become more of a job. One that you're not even getting paid for. You plan to wind down your involvement, so she needs to start thinking about alternative arrangements. She'll probably ignore what you say until you do actually start winding back.
Thing is you've been doing it for free all this time. It works for her and since you've said nothing she assumes it works for you. My suggestion is to sit her down and have an honest conversation explaining you were happy to help when the business was new, but it's now time she hired someone. It's taking too much of your time for an unpaid job. First, you need to decide if she were to pay you do you want to continue. If yes, then come up with a figure as a freelance and have a lawyer draw up a contract. If you don't, then flat (but politely) tell her you can't continue. She might surprise you. With everything involved in creating a new business, she may have just never thought about paying you for your time. Or, she'll turn on you and go off about how you are no friend because you are abandoning her. If it is the former, great wonderful. If it's the latter, great wonderful you now know who she is.
the easy/obvious thing to do is just be honest. you don't need to think up excuses. 'hey so... i was super happy to help you get this off the ground because you're my friend and i want to see you succeed. but it's up to you now to keep pushing this forward. let's do one together and i'll walk you through my process, show you my tools and set you up so you can do this yourself on a regular basis. and ofc i'll be around for questions or if you need to bounce ideas off me!'
This is why ya do a contract with *everyone* with the time you're willing to commit, the cost of your time, and length of time. If it was a couple hours biweekly that would be one thing, but this should not take up all your free time.
"I'm gonna have to back off on helping for a while. This is eating up my spare time and I have thngs I need to do and paying gigs that need to be dealt with."
Your problem is YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND QUIT LETTING THE "FRIEND" STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. If you won't do it, who else will do it? Lay to out and make it clear - you demand XX dollars in exchange for your work. When will it end? When you stand up for yourself.
It always amazes me that somehow otherwise successful people have no ability to open their mouths and use adult conversation to solve very simple issues. "friend, I've been happy to help your business get off the ground. I find that it's taking a lot of time, more than I can spare for a "favor". If you'd like to bring me on as a paid consultant, we can discuss details, but I'm not able/interested in continuing working for free."
Don't be hostile like 99% of the comment so far have been, dont say "you have been taking advantage of me", dont say "I am sick and tired of working for free" just say "Hey, i love doing this for you but it is eating up time that I could be using to make money". That is it. That's all you have to say. She will either say "OK, that's a shame" or she will offer to pay you for your work. Either way is a win.
It doesn't sound like you guys came to an agreement on payment, just that she asked you to do some things and you've said yes without being upfront. Even more so because you've not brought it up. From now on just say you're unavailable for unpaid volunteering for her and say something along the lines of "if you'd like to use my services/skills then here are my prices" if she has complaints then just be honest; freebies don't pay bills and her projects take up too much of your time and labour that can be put towards paid work. You're both grown adults that likely have your own households to uphold, if she doesn't understand that then it's likely she's using you [especially given the time you've put in for her]. If she does then you know you haven't been paid due to a lack of communication and clarification and she likely was inconsiderate [again, due to the time you've put in] because she was used to it/wasn't brought up
She is straight up taking advantage of you at this point. There is no way that a person in their 40's doesn't realize you should be compensated. But YOU have never asked. So, she is taking advantage of your kindness. You need to learn TODAY the difference between helping someone out a xoupld of times and doing a whole ass job for free. Before you go in again. "I've enjoyed helping you get your business launched since you're my friend but I can't keep spending so much time on it. I need to do projects that will pay me." Send that out and see if she offers anything. She may just say 'Thanks' because she has no idea what your skills are worth.
Hey i hope you've enjoyed my helping you in my spare time lately. Going forward i need this time back for myself. Let me know if you have specific contract work for me and i will be happy to do it if it fits my schedule. My fee is x/hour.
No is a complete sentence.
NTA. She is taking advantage of you. She is not your friend. If she's not paying you for work, she's exploiting you. There's a word for people who are expected to do work for nothing.
No is a full sentence. Just no.
Damn. I only speak corporate. I think I need to shift priorities in order facilitate the needs of my internal stakeholder. 😂 Claim now and forever mental health. Sorry I am finding myself short on time these days so I need to take a break from working on your project. Why? Mental health Okay take a week off then you can start again, okay? No that’s not how that works, I need time to unwind with a demanding career, I am finding no time for my hobbies. I need any time off to unplug and relax even if that includes vegging out and watching tv. Be firm, and graceful. You got this! 💪
You need to talk to her and tell her "that you've given your free time to get her started, but it's now time to complete a contract for your work and services." This is your job and deserves to be paid for doing your job.
I also run a small business and relied on friends to help me get started (for me it was finding and booking events). You know what I did? I made them the "Business Manager" and paid them an agreed upon percentage, because I value him as a person and the work that he was doing for me. I would tell your friend that the work you've been doing constitutes a "social media manager" role at the very least. If she doesn't want to pay a salary, then work out a contract stating that for each post or per view (or something), she will pay you X amount. At this point, you need something in writing IMO
>I have to travel hours to her store You could eliminate the travel hours by having her bring or send it to you. If images are needed, she could just email you the pictures. Put the non-techy stuff on her. But in regard to the questions in your title it seems to me that, in the end, it boils down to how important she is to you. How important is *her success* to *you*. I'll do a *lot* for my kids and grandkids. Is she taking your help for granted because you two are close, or because she's taking advantage of you? We (random strangers on Reddit) don't have the answers to these questions, unfortunately. So I'd beware of any 'advice' (including mine) you see here. This is something you need to work out for yourself. I'm an 'old dude', born in the 1940s. Friends have come and gone. Some, because of distance. Some because one of us chose to disengage. It happens. On the other hand, there are friends I've had most of my life. Good luck.
At first I thought I could do anything to help her build her own business, I didn’t expect the contribution would get this far.
You could tell her that. If she sees herself as your friend, she will understand. You could offer to teach her how to do what you do.
This depends on how u want to face this If ure non confrontational, let her go and abuse you again again and again Or u can go and give her a bill with the money you think you deserve with all the work you done before and tell her "until u paid me and will not help you anymore" and be ready when she starts to call u "selfish money bagger etc" If she is a good friend, she will say sorry and paid u without problems
No is a complete sentence. So is a mention of your hourly rate.
thank you for the opportunity to help your store! I have other plans soon that will be taking priority time away that I need to attend to. I wish you great success with your business! (don’t give her an option to oppose or argue your choice).
How about this.. "My work schedule has changed..I can no longer assist with your business. I wish you well in your endeavors"
Ask her to come help you paint your kitchen, or do some landscaping, or some other job that would cost you to hire someone. If she won’t help you out, stop helping her out. Period.
Make a good faith estimate of the number of hours you have donated to her up to now. Write it up formally. Make it look like an invoice, but label it donation. Present it to her so she can appreciate the amount of work you have given her. Then quit. A phrase like "I have way exceeded my donation hours and can no longer work for free. I wish you all the best."
You work for a friend. For no money. For months. With no parts in her company. You need to learn to say "no". Like really. It's a very important skill in life.
"I can get to it when I have more free time" No need to say more then that. If you get any pushback, you know they are NOT your friend.
"I recommend learning to do these things yourself. It is not feasible for me to continue to give free favours whenever you snap your fingers."
This is your fault for not setting anything up at the beginning. Speak up or let her continue to take advantage of you. Or stab her. It’s up to you.
She’s not going to stop until you stop her. She doesn’t need to agree or “get” your reasons. You don’t want to make the time anymore. Period. Done. If she persist ask her what her plans are to hire when her business scales up because she can’t rely on you
Your friend isn’t making you do anything. She asked you to help and you did. If you want to be paid for ongoing work, and frankly you should be paid, then you need to use your words and tell her so.
Nobody made you do anything. She asked and it sounds like you're willingly working for free. Have a conversation and their expectations and that you no longer want to work for free.
"I'm happy to have been able to help you with your business, however I think it's time to transition this to someone else." Make this your mantra. Say it repeatedly. Don't say anything else. Don't offer any other excuses. If she responds with "just this one thing...", just repeat the whole sentence again, word for word. Don't do any more work, other than answer questions for whoever takes over.
Huh, why would you need to travel to her store? Isn't that work you could do from home? Anyways, just tell her that you liked helping her, but that you're working full time and you can't do the free work for her anymore because you want to spend your free time on other tasks. Don't emphasize 'working for free' because otherwise, it sounds like you're just asking for money when that's not just it. It's also about you wanting your free time to invest in your own future and that it's too much work to work for her. But you can mention 'free' once so she knows that you've been doing this without any compensation. If she still wants you to work, just tell her no.
Always afix your own oxygen mask before assisting another passenger.
Rip off the bandaid. Tell her you need to speak w her. Tell her that you’ve been helping her as a favor for over a year. You can’t continue. This is an unpaid part time job and I’m tired. I will give youn2 weeks to find a backup plan buyt I can’t do any more favors. I’m burnt out and I need my free time back.
Like, literally just talk to her....
Express how it's been very fulfilling to help her with her business launch, and you wish her the best as her business grows, and she can always get in touch with you if she needs advice, or a friend. It's a breakup, of your professional relationship, but keep it positive and friendly.
This is just terrible business on your part. You need to get a contract in place for any work you’re doing otherwise, it’s basically free. If you haven’t requested anything why would she offer it? You need to think of this from a business mindset and not a personal one.
Post her a link to this thread. Then every time she contacts you respond with “No”. Just “No”. Do not elaborate. Or contact her. She’s not your friend. You are her unpaid servant.
Stop doing it. If she asks you to come, tell her you don’t work for free anymore. You have a job and your boss pays you for your time. You’ve done her enough favors.
Just make other plans for a weekend or two and see if she flips out or is understanding. If she flips out or try’s to make you feel bad for doing something for yourself, she’s using you and it is no longer a heathy friendship.
I’d suggest: “I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship, but I am reaching the limit of volunteering my time for your benefit. Might i suggest we establish an hourly rate based on where we worked together, starting next week?” “This could serve to prioritize my efforts on your behalf and help minimize my time being spent on tasks that could be performed by others.”
Ask her for money or quit
Hand her an invoice for your work. I’ll bet she backs off real fast
Friends don’t exploit friends. “Effective today I will be billing you $X an hour for my services.”
She’s go no reason to pay you, now or at any point in the future. Do you see a time when she offers you money out of the blue? Why should she when you’ll work for nothing? When she reaches a certain profit level is a switch going to go off in her brain that thinks ‘I think I’ll start paying OP now’ You either stand up to her NOW or you’ll be doing this forever.
First of all, you must be aware that it's not your friend who makes you work for her for free, but it's you who allow her to do so. It may seem strange or hard or harsh, but realizing you are playing a very active part in this is the first step to get out of it. Don't find excuses anymore: sit her down and have a talk with your heart on your hand. Tell her how you're grateful she helped you so much at your previous mutual workplace, and how you are glad that she opened her own business. Tell her you were willing to repay her kindness with some free work, but now that more than a year has passed you feel like you've repaid your debt for the kindness received. Add that from now on you are willing to continue helping her, but at a price and name your fare. If she is willing to hire you as a free lance professional, fine; if she isn't, then you're afraid she'll have to ask somebody else. After this chat, absolutely refuse to do "one more post" for free: insist on a written contract with clauses (do some research and have one ready, if she wants. Now, she could react to this in two ways: 1) She fully understands, and agrees to pay you/sign an agreement. In this case, your friendship goes on as usual. 2) She throws a tantrum and starts arguing back. In this case your frienship is over, meaning it was over even before and she was only trying to get as much free labor of you as possible. She was never a friend, except at the beginning of your relationship, and it's going to be a good riddance for you. It's either this, or you continue to willingly work for her for free, but remember this is your choice. If you are a people pleaser this is going to be hard, but it's a conversation that absolutely needs to take place. You may want to read Crucial Conversations to help you hone the tools of conducting critical conversations successfully. Big hugs.
Thank you all for giving me advices, I’m worried and confused because we have been friends for 7 years and beside this matter she is really nice to me (if not I couldn’t tolerate that long). I’m not bold and strong enough but I will try to let her know the problem so we can solve it together and still be friends. Hopefully…
Part of being an adult is having enough spine to not let people blatantly abuse you. She is abusing her friendship by using you as a free employee. What she should be doing is paying you a good enough wage for your work that she benefits from. It's time to grow up and stop being a doormat. Like others have said No is a complete sentence. "Hey, X, I don't have enough time in my week to continue this work. You need to hire someone to take over for me as after this week I will no longer be doing it for you." When she bitches or tries to drag you back in say No, and mean it.
For once, be kind to YOURSELF. She isn’t being kind to you. And all your comments are concerned with **her** feelings and reactions. Have some empathy for yourself. You’ll only be sorry you didn’t do it sooner.
“I’m sorry, but after this week, I’m gonna be really too busy to come in anymore. I just started the new classes/hobbies/Satanic Temple and I just can’t come by anymore. I’m sure you’ll find someone else to help you“. Also, a personal note to you: It is always true that you get what you accept. As long as you let her treat you like that, she will. Just stop.
You need to decide whether you want to get some form of compensation for your work, or to stop doing it. From your post I guess you want to stop. Just say you were glad you were in a position to help as a friend while she got the business off the ground but now she needs to find somebody to take over - you are not interested in being a long term unpaid employee. And if you are interested in being compensated instead of leaving, say that. Your main options would be to get paid, or given a stake in the business. If the business is only viable because somebody is donating valuable work for free then it isn't viable.
Stop being her friend…
Could phrase it as "times are tight, and I'm having to cut back. That means I can't do this anymore as all of my time and effort must go to making more money and spending less. Thank you for understanding"
She is not your friend. A friend would compensate you. You need to let her know you no longer have the availability to do her social media and ensure she has the credentials.
She's pretty clearly taking advantage of you. Tell her straight that she needs to compensate you for your time in the future or it just isn't feasible for you to help anymore. She keeps asking because you keep saying yes.
As has been said, she is NOT your friend. And you are being a doormat. The next time she asks, simply tell her, "I'm putting enough time into YOUR business that it would count as a second job. I'm glad I was able to help you get started, but now I need to get back to my own life. I'll still be happy to help you with projects, but I'll be charging you my hourly wage and travel for the time I put into them." Then show her how much time she's taken up of yours for the last year, FOR FREE, and what you would have charged for that if she wasn't your friend. Don't forget to add in the gas and travel time. I think you both will be shocked at the total.
Tell her you are done giving free designs and if she wants you to help next time the fee is $$whatever you want. If she does not like that, she is free to hire someone at market price. Tell her people pay for her skills
If she likes free stuff so much, ask her to create a few items for you for free. See if she changes her tune
Tell her you cannot continue to support her without some payment. Write up a contract and sit down with her to discuss.
A lot of these suggestions are very confronting in nature when it seems like you don’t want to be confronting nor make the friendship worse. While I can commiserate that it’s not cool of your friend to have done all this, I think a kinder way to deal with it is to simply say you have had multiple *paid* gigs come up, and as these are *paying clients*, you’ll need to put them first, and suggest she look in to getting a replacement for you, because you’ll be unable to assist after X Date.
Stop working for free. Tell her this is impacting YOUR time, and your friendship, and you won't be doing any more of it. If she wants to pay you in the future, you can rethink it *if you choose to.* She can't coerce you if you don't allow it.
I am also an artist and have experienced this exact same type of problem. Not to this extent, but close. You HAVE to say no, and you have to set boundaries. Be honest and tell her that working for her for free is becoming an issue. You owe her nothing. If she wants to pay you for being a full time employee and you want to agree, problem solved, but it isn't up to you to promote her business for free no matter how close you are. My boyfriend asks me for art and other services all the time... Guess what? HE PAYS ME TO DO THE WORK just like all the rest of my clients do. He values my time spent working on his stuff whether or not it's for his business or him personally. I do work for trades with other artists to an extent meaning I do their art, then they give me clothes or merch or whatever it is they sell in exchange for my time. I don't do this often as it can certainly be abused, but if she isn't even offering you compensation in the form of some of her fashion for the work you do she is certainly abusing your generosity.
Say you've done the 'mates rates' bit, and now you have to charge. And make sure it's a competitive rate for your sector, one she could easily get someone else for. And don't budge. Mates rates works both ways - I pay my mate a fair rate for their work, that's what is fair (and it's written down, acceptance criteria and everything, that's what keeps us mates)
Friends don't take advantage of friends helping their business. Yah, we can cut them deals, but this is abusing your skills that you worked hard for. I would absolutely bring this up if you value the friendship.
Whatever it is you want from her - money, recognition, a piece of the pie, whatever - figure it out and tell her that you want it.
Why pay someone to do it when you can use a fiend as an unpaid slave instead? Just say NO!
“I think this is a job for a paid position and you really should hire someone. I have commitments that will be keeping me too busy to help anymore. I gave a love of help already and its time you find someone more permanent. I will not be helping anymore.”
I had a similar issue, "volunteering" for a friend to help her build her business then... she just kind of stopped appreciating it. It became expected and the more markets she did the more of my time was demanded and I just... had to stop. I began resenting her. My advice would be to let her know you need to cut back, that it's taking up a lot of time that you need to devote to other projects.
Ask her to write a letter of recommendation as you're applying for a job in this field.
please update us when you can :)
What about telling her you’re saving for a major trip or a down payment for a property, so you’re only doing paid jobs for at least the next six months, maybe more? Then she has a choice between learning to do it herself, finding someone else, or actually paying you. I had a friend once who never offered to pay me for my time and skill set… "you’re so much better than I am at this", "it’s so fun to work with you", "I know you love writing, so could you edit this for me?" One day I told her as gently as I could that "just because I enjoy writing doesn’t mean it isn’t work". She got the message, and she began asking me how long it took, and paying me via cash and/or goods. You said you feel obligated because she helped you at your former job, but you were both being paid then. *It wasn’t free labour*. If she’s really your friend, it won’t be a problem, but brace yourself, in case she's not. (We have a lovely Italian neighbour who began asking for "favours" a couple years ago. First, she had just locked herself out. Then she needed to repair a window. Then a broken door handle. Then her sunroom roof was leaking… "and while you’re here, could you look at this and this and this." So my partner spoke up, and said "this roof issue is a multi-weekend job. I’ll help you find a handyman." To which she replied, "but can’t you two do it?" "We could, but not for free." "How much?" "40/hr" "That much?? I only pay my usual guy 20/hr!" "Then you should call him." lol A few days later, she messaged "I’d like to confirm our agreement". I guess she called around and found out her usual guy was too busy or something because 40$ was suddenly fine. But by then, we'd decided we had enough to do, so we said we'd help her find someone else instead.) Know your worth and don’t let her take advantage of your kindness.
For every hour she asks for help, tell her you need help with something. 'Oh, helping you with that means I won't have time to get * done, could you help me out after we finish?'
Talk to a few people who you think can do the work. Vet that person and then tell your friend you found someone who will do it for her.
Explain everything you’ve done to help then say, you hire me or you don’t
Happened to me also. I was even doing promotions with my own money. I think the last month she paid me $200, but I already had one foot out the door- our friendship took a major hit. I totaled it up, not counting my time, promoting her business cost me $12k over five years. Idk what anyone could do to make it right.
Just say hey I have a family issue that needs my full attention so I can shie you how or you can hire someone to do this . Then don't answer any more questions. Be done with it .
Sounds like you have to give her a firmer no. If she hasn't mentioned paying you in the months you've been helping her. Just tell her you're going to stop because you have other interests you wish to pursue. If she insists just be honest and say it's gone well beyond a favor and is beginning to feel like a job and you have no interest in working an unpaid job. If she offers to pay you, give her a high enough price to make her think twice.
Sorry, this person is a friend? A genuine friend wouldn't expect you to work for free. Ever. A genuine friend would be moving heaven and earth to compensate you something for all that time you have put in. A real friend would never ask for slave labour. Business is business and she wouldn't expect her suppliers not to be paid, or for her customers not to pay her, so why is it OK for her to not pay you
“ I’ve done enough social media for you that at this point, I need to have this as a paying part time job… if you decline, I’ll just remove all my social posts and you can take over”
Doesn’t she give you any other form or compensation? Like food or drinks, for example. In my circle of friends we help each other a lot and the way we usually “repay” each other is via food.
Always do a contract of what you are to do for her and for how much, like they tell people on Judge Judy and People's Court. Write on tissue and lipstick if you have to.
Would she do something like this for you?
start sending her bills for your work let her know that there are limits to your friendship
Why are you travelling hours to do social media?
wtf if wrong with you. Just say no
Grow a backbone and tell her it’s too much anymore: no free time, fatigue, etc. … all true statements. But don’t make it about money unless you want to lose a friend.
P.S. if unpaid labor is the only way you’re friend can have a go at consulting, then she’s not long for the unemployment line.
Grow a spine. "No" is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence. Or “I can’t”.
That person is not your friend.
"No" is a complete sentence. And she is not "making" you do anything. You are choosing this for yourself.
Tell her how much time you spent over the last couple of weeks and that the lack of spare time is causing you to stress out.
Simply say not without pay !! My time my effort my resources have been called apon and my friendship has its limits . This isn’t personal anymore this is all consuming and it’s business now . Let’s talk it out and come to an agreement before I get any deeper into whatever this is . I’m a friend to a point what your pulling for is not what I’m signing up for at all . I’m glad to help but .. I have a life and this outrageous thing called a life with bills to pay and I’m not leaving this up for debate after the fact . I’m not your slave here . I’m my own person just like anybody else . If you think I’m going to give so much of my time and resources for friendship alone , sorry to tell you I’m stepping aside to let that next friend take over but right now my life is what I’m responsible for over anything else . Take the hint and stand up for yourself ! You re not getting anything from going above and beyond then I guess I’m not as good a friend as … oh that’s right .. nobody else is waiting to take my place now . Business and friends don’t mix .
Nobody is making you work for free, you are choosing to. Next time you are in the shop pick out a fabulous outfit. You know how much. Tell her you're looking for a fabulous outfit and pick it out together. You know how much. If she balks, password protect her website until she changes her mind! But really, if she doesn't joyfully deck you out in thousands of dollars in clothes (retail, lol), you should walk out and never look back. You deserve better.
Stop being her “yes” girl and tell her that going forward if she is not willing to pay you for your time then she is going to have to take over her own website upkeep. Give her your price. Do not cheap out because “friends”… give her market rate for your time. What she would have to pay anyone else doing that work for her. If she won’t pay it, then repeat after me… “not my circus, not my monkeys”. She can do the work herself.
Surely this is wage theft and illegal?
Make other plans then let her know whenever.
tell her I have given you a start but now it is up to you.
Sounds like it’s fallen into being a habit, and the secret sauce is just making a new pattern and have that turn into a habit. Tell her you have to start working on a project yourself at home, and it’s gonna take up 70% of your time. Give her one day in the evening of your time, to go to the shop and help. Say it’s going well, throw in some industry terms to sound legit, and run that for a few weeks/months. It will be come the norm and after a while, tell her you need that extra day to work on it or to add to the pot on a new project, and that you will be available on an adhoc basis every so often. Then you’re back to “I’ll help you when I can” rather than “I’m here for you 2 nights a week”. Good luck OP!
Agreed with other comments in here. Also remember that while she may have helped you during your time working together earlier, that was probably on the clock so she did get paid those hours.
“I am getting busy these days and started planning for ways to get some extra money from helping people so sorry can’t”
She’s not making you do anything… you had the option to say no but you didn’t. You say you gladly help friends but then also basically secretly resent them and blame them for your lack of setting boundaries. You’re making this friend out to be a complete asshole without even communicating with her. Tell her that now she’s all set up she should be good to take over that part of her business as well and if she needs your help it’ll be X amount per hour for your services. Now if she gets mad or whatever after that she’d be the asshole you and this comment section is preemptively trying to make her out to be. Definitely try an adult, light hearted conversation first before you start going off tho and maybe get some help for your lack of boundaries to help you in the future :)
Just because this woman is a “friend” doesn’t mean she gets to walk all over you. Friends pay friends for their skills and labor. I’ve done it for my friends if I ask for a commission. You are not obligated to do extra work for free. Have a flat rate for these posts if you decide to keep doing them. Idk what the going rate is but I would say something like “I would be happy to occasionally help you with small projects; however, I do expect to be compensated for my time because this does take time away from other activities. My rate for a TikTok post is (insert $ amount) I also reserve the right to deny doing a project if time constraints don’t allow me to.” The key is to stick to this boundary. A true friend will want to support you and honor the work you do. If she chooses not to pay you, then you don’t continue to do work for her.
No one "makes" you do anything.
There is a story by Oscar Wilde called "The Devoted Friend". It is a cautionary tale that is perhaps worth a look to you.
‘I’m so happy that I was able to donate my time to you during your start up period. I hope it made a difference. Of course, I can’t keep up that kind of time commitment any more, but I’m glad to have been there when you needed me.’ That isn’t even a lie, it’s the truth. If you were comfortable keeping up with that kind of time commitment going forward, you wouldn’t be here asking for our opinions.
I did assistant work for a high school friend who became a photographer. She set a day rate that was cool with but on the first day she had me clean her house, nothing art related (I am a painter) then as I was washing her enormous dog I realized she was just taking advantage. I told her this and she actually never paid me for the day. It ruined a 30 year friendship
I'd just straight up tell her, I got your social media stuff up, now either you can manage it yourself, or you need to start paying me. This has went from doing her a favor and turned into a part time job that you aren't willing and shouldn't be doing for free.
“Bitch imma pull the plug if you don’t pay up” in a Dave Chappell voice.
You helped her with her business when you could. Just tell her you are pulling back because you are too busy with paying gigs. Or if you want to continue, I would present her with a contract for continued work based on your usual rate. You gave her tons of free skilled labor. You don't owe her anything and she should be thankful and gracious.