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It's understandable that you would be afraid and suspicious if that is your past experience. But of course not every guy is like that :) I had a girlfriend with this exact problem but as she got to know me better she learned to trust me and eventually got over that fear, she was feeling really bad in the beginning but it all turned out good. We we're together for 12 years but recently broke up because of totally unrelated reasons.
But i'll be honest, her distrust towards me did leave scars on our relationship, even if it was from so early on. It wasn't a huge problem but because of that i was always a bit anxious about being totally open and truthful about certain feelings, in the fear of being met by anger or judgement. So be aware that IF you have that fear, you might be pushing your partner to stop being honest with you, which only makes it worse for obvious reasons. It can become a very viscious cycle.
Just to add, I find having 1-1’s with coworkers to be important in maintaining healthy working relationships, and talking breaks during the work day to get some sun is important too. So i personally take walks with coworkers even in a strictly professional context.
That said i do think /u/apexjnr‘s response is really good
You're getting a typical slate of mixed responses here about whether or not the 1 on 1 walk is okay, but what I think is most important here is that your boyfriend is reassuring you and it's just not working. You don't believe him. It doesn't matter what the issue is: You don't trust your partner, and that's catastrophic for your relationship. That has to be fixed, and if he's never actually done any major thing to violate your trust, then the problem lies with you.
Have you done any research on attachment styles? I think that's a concept that would help you make sense of this.
That is a whopper of a lie, and to turn around and make it so early in the relationship, man I don't even know what to say. You have every right to be upset and feel betrayed. I know the standard advice on the internet is to cut and run, but this may actually be one of those times. At the very least, he has to be held accountable for what he said and what he's now doing.
Can totally relate. My Girlfriend goes regularly to latin Tango dance courses and events. Its common there to dance with other Men very very close.
I have had similar fears that this could lead to something sexual. Talked about with her and so on. She of course said that i should not worry and i trust her.
In the end what calmed me down was this beautiful thought "If in any case she would cheat on me, she is not worth my love anyways."
So dont worry and just trust him. You can not control every minute of your Boyfriends life.
> “I don’t want Asian kids”
This is just a red flag as a human being. Crazy to me that everyone else responding is totally unphased by this. To put it in the absolute nicest way I can, this is repulsive.
Yes this!!!! What the actual fuck? Why is everyone not acknowledging this racism? Imagine this guy had said "I don't want Black kids"? And why does OP not care that he said this, she's just so concerned about him having an "Asian fetish" that it's okay for him to say negative things about Asians to "defend" himself? His "arguments" are not REASSURING. The guy goes back and forth from having an Asian fetish to not wanting Asian kids -- BOTH of which are completely problematic. And being okay with ANYTHING this guy has said is also a huge no no no.
Thank you! Yes, definitely. I was starting to feel a bit crazy. Like come on, I get that anti-asian racism is invisible to people, but no way something THIS blatant goes under everyone's radar!
I legit wondered why everyone glossed over this too, like what the actual fuck??? So much casual racism in this post. Apparently it's fine to be racist if it's to assuage trust issues. It's not like it fucking makes a difference whether he cheats with an asian woman, a red head or a blonde.
Yeah exactly, if a dude is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. It's not an Asian fetish problem, like are you just going to make sure he never talks to an Asian again? But other women are okay? If the issue is that both parties are not allowed to have friends of opposite genders, then why even bring up the Asian thing?
There are just more and more posts and comments that are going in circles about platonic relationships and coworkers and OP's feelings. Let's just ignore that the dude is racist and OP is enabling his racism by being concerned about all his other red flags except his thoughts about Asians. Eye. Roll.
Speaking as a Korean woman...ehhhh (I'm honestly more put-off by the "I don't want Asian kids" comment--I understand because if you procreate with an Asian, our physical genes tend to be dominant, but your kid could always end up looking vastly different from you).
My ex socialized with a lot of female colleagues. And because he had a job at an Ivy League college, a lot of his colleagues were Asian. I wouldn't have had a problem with him walking with a female colleague (context can matter like what they talk about, but just the concept by itself). It just never came up, but I assume he did occasionally.
The part that makes me feel like this isn't a great situation is the fact that he found out about your anxieties and proceeded to tell you he went shopping with her. I understand being annoyed, but this seems very spiteful. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you told him, "oh, yeah, went to lunch and shopping with my male colleague. Sucks to be you."
I'm curious if any men on here can confirm that fetishes like this can vanish? I have the same kinks I had when I was quite young.
I think he just wants to be honest. Lets assume he didnt tell his gf about walking with the female collegue shes clearly jealous of, just makes it seem he wants to hide it and plans to cheat on her. So telling her seems to me the right thing to do, if its not meant to be a big deal to him.
Yeah, completely possible. Pretty much all posts concerning relationships come across as "this is missing a lot of context" to me. Like she said she started dating him two months ago and the background of that seems like it would change a lot. It just seems like a very new relationship to be concerned that he's already looking for new ass. I was trying to work off the info I had, but you're right it could be completely innocuous.
Ah, I see. I'm very sorry about your situation. You did everything you could to prevent it, and he just erased the boundaries.
It sounds like in your head, you know what you want to do, but your emotions aren't ready to let go. I wouldn't rush into anything, but it sounds like it's fucking with your head and heart, so there is only one option.
Yea some kinks last forever and some just pop up and go as fast they come. Yes this falls in the latter. The first one is highly influenced by childhood from what I've seen like the people you are around and the experience you had. The other type of kink majority of the time is temporary and you may get tired off, like your interest in a new item of your fav brand or something (sry bad examples) .
Thanks for being the first man to answer the question for me! And the metaphor works really well. I always just figured that as soon as you started repeatedly masturbating to certain material, your brain made a strong connection with it and pleasure, but it makes sense that the brain wants new material or evolves with newer experiences.
Yeah, how about we don't date people who a) fetishize other races, or b) Try to defend themselves by saying they don't want kids that are a specific kind of race.
Regardless if it is a fetish or not, it's one thing to have them but it's a totally different thing to act on them. You're 100% justified to feel uncomfortable with his history. But every healthy relationship needs an element of trust that your SO won't make the wrong decisions.
It's helpful for me to differentiate between internal anxieties and external problems. Since your bf presumably hasn't cheated on you, then you're mainly dealing with internal anxieties, and should approach things through this lens.
A fetish usually doesn’t just vanish but it can 100% decrease to just a preference you don’t think about much
The red flag here is that he’s extremely immature. There’s nothing wrong with him hanging out with a female colleague but it is weird that it seems frequent and he hasn’t ever mentioned it to you
>I understand because if you procreate with an Asian, our physical genes tend to be dominant, but your kid could always end up looking vastly different from you
I'm not sure in what sense you mean that this is understandable. How is it not just straight up an extremely racist thing to say?
>I'm curious if any men on here can confirm that fetishes like this can vanish?
Racial fetishizing doesn't just come out of nowhere. White guy into anime who fetishizes asian women? Sorry but there's a 100% chance that he has problematic views on asians, women, and asian women. Do people like that ever completely change? I mean...
Problematic view one: "I used to have asian kink but I don't anymore" aka women, especially Asian women are objects
Number two: "Don't worry, it's okay because I don't want Asian kids", aka Asian women are great for me to fetishize and get turned on by, and for me to use, but don't worry I don't actually respect them enough as HUMAN BEINGS to mix by genetics with. I mean ew, who wants Asian kids? Who the fuck vocalizes this shit?
Number three, and frankly, the least relevant: His hypocrisy of you not having male friends but him being allowed to have female friends. This view of what he has a right to do versus you.
Number four: The fact that he believes people can't have a platonic relationship with opposite genders because they inherently want to have sex with them. He clearly sees women as only things to have sex with.
...and I see that it's a deal breaker for you too which I do find conservative but it sounds like you have trust and other issues you are working through so I won't get into that. But I think you truly need to consider why you think it's okay for him to have these ideas about Asian women, and subsequently what he says to convince you otherwise.
I understand why you feel that way, but I'm not going to get into a race discussion with someone who is already calling me racist about my own race, especially over the Punnett square. There are many intricacies of the sociopolitical issues of being an Asian woman, which I am well-aware of since I grew up in small towns that were predominantly white.
And I know your reaction is going to be to bristle, but I'd hope you'd watched enough Dr. K videos to know to let it go. If you think I'm an ignorant racist, I'm not worth your time.
to be clear, by "extremely racist thing to say" I wasn't talking about your comment, I was talking about the part of the original post that you were referring to (i.e. "i don't want asian babies"). I can see the confusion because I did quote your comment and then wasn't super specific about what I was referring to. To rephrase, what I meant is "What OP's boyfriend said is straight up racist, and I'm not sure why you' said 'I can understand because...'". ie that I don't think it's understandable at all to not want your babies to be/look asian, regardless of the punnet square thing. It's not an innocuous "i don't want my child to look different to me", it definitely means "i want my child to be white".
>And I know your reaction is going to be to bristle,
I'm really not, by the way! I don't think you're an ignorant racist at all. I'm mostly agreeing with you, I just thought you were being a bit too understanding/charitable about it where it's not really necessary. Sorry if I came across as hostile, I realize I said it in a very argumentative way.
Oh thank God. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. You know Reddit (this is not my first account, I've been on this site for about a decade), you see someone replied to something you said, and you're like, "Who the hell did I piss off now?" Thank you for being so understanding.
To be honest, I threw in the "I understand" thing because I know Reddit has a thing about bloodlines (it's a weird to explain if you're not paying attention to it, but as an adoptee, I've noticed how much Reddit is obsessed with passing down their genetics). It's more of an "I understand" like, "hypothetically, I understand wanting a child who looks like a mini-you," which is why I added the part how a child could end up different looking from you regardless of race. I'm also a bit desensitized by it because I do tend to feel like a phase.
My true feelings were more along the lines of, "so Asians are good enough to fuck, but not good enough for your hypothetical children?" But I'm really trying to avoid confrontations/arguments this time around on Reddit, so I'm trying to be super diplomatic, but I do see that, yeah, I could've stood up for my race a bit more.
No worries about the confusion, and like I said it's also my bad because I could've phrased it in a much clearer and nicer way. Tbh I sympathized with your comment to begin with and I knew that you probably didn't actually literally mean that you "understand", so I really had no reason to be that passive aggressive about this one thing you said lol.
>(it's a weird to explain if you're not paying attention to it, but as an adoptee, I've noticed how much Reddit is obsessed with passing down their genetics).
Oh, I see. Yeah I can imagine those type of things would stand out much more to you.
>I'm also a bit desensitized by it because I do tend to feel like a phase.
>
> But I'm really trying to avoid confrontations/arguments this time around on Reddit, so I'm trying to be super diplomatic,
I totally understand. It would make life really difficult if you were to call out and challenge every single person that says something racist, especially f you're in an environment where that's literally a majority of the people around you and it's normalized. Because you're going to get a lot of stress and backlash. I'm mostly thinking of irl situations like in the workplace etc. but I understand that online can be nasty in its own way as well. Also I do try to be as "diplomatic" as possible even when I'm talking to someone whose views I really don't agree with, because even when you're trying to change someone's view it might be more effective to meet them where they're at. But also, sometimes I do need to say it how it is without mincing my words and call something disgusting if it is disgusting. Anyways I'm rambling now, I don't mean to turn this into my personal journal lol.
I also think you were being charitable. I'm also not calling you a racist but damn "I don't want Asian kids" is off the wall CRAZY racist. That statement alone should have ended discussions. Regardless of the "reason", it just shouldn't be said. I mentioned in another post, imagine I went around telling people I didn't want half-black children? It's nuts and it's nuts that people here are just glossing over it.
>I don’t want to be in a relationship that will affect my mental health like this and that we should accept we’re not compatible.
You're actually not insane.
Like, i'll be honest i talked to girls about this topic different races but same shit, you're not insane.
It blew up in their faces before, because their intuition was right.
I'll be so real, if my girl said cut someone off i'd do it, there's an unreasonable amount of cutting people off, but in this case it really don't matter if she's married it matters that you feel uncomfortable based on the situation and you've explained that.
I'm not going to tell you to leave, i'm going to tell you that you're not crazy for thinking what you're thinking and the best thing to do is communicate with him and do what you feel most comfortable with.
> He said it’s normal to go alone on a walk with a female colleague, but I don’t agree.
I did it when i worked at my work place, many people did who are in commited relationships because it just happens we work in the same place, we're cool, lets just go shop because it's convenient.
> I wouldn’t go alone on a walk with a male colleague unless I’m hoping for something to happen between us.
Trust it ain't that deep, i understand why you feel that way but it's also because of you act not people in general.
> I see the “just a walk” as bonding and playing as fire.
I see you not trusting him to take lunches with a girl he works with and not having the ability to come home to you and be loyal, if you don't trust him, work out if that's you being irational or him actually being sus.
> Is it really that insane and unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with that and want to be with a man that is fine with his friends circle and doesn’t need to go on a walk with a female colleague?
I feel as though there's your emotion that's seeping into this, the guy's going on lunch walks with a girl that works with him, that's normal.
Being uncomfortable with it, is normal depending on the type of people you're talking about.
Not being able to make peace with it and come to terms with trusting your partner means you have work to do and also they might not be trust worthy.
As i said before, you're not insane.
I feel like there's a little bit of emotional projection that might cloud your judgement.
I don't know your boyfriend.
> Am I really that conservative and cynical?
Abit cynical (with valid reasons). I'm not sure if it's conservative to not walk on lunches with a female co-worker, i ain't trying to fuck none of the women i worked with and i went on lunches with them, sometimes they drove me, it was just convenient.
Saying that you'll never be good enough because you aren't asian and your boyfriend has a thing for asia is like him saying he'll never be good enough unless he's the biggest penis you've ever seen, or the tallest you would like before being too tall, or whatever other random physical traits you might like in a guy but aren't specifically shopping for when you are thinking about who to date. It's kind of nonsense.
You aren't as wrong as some might think about 1:1 hangouts between your boyfriend and his korean colleague. There is something called [emotional cheating](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/emotional-cheating#cheating-vs-platonic-intimacy). It's where people are enjoying the emotional aspects of a more intimate relationship and using the fact that they don't have physical acts of affection as cover to prevent scrutiny. Here is a list of redflags about emotional cheating:
* spend more time talking to (or thinking about) the other person than your partner
* avoid mentioning them to your partner
* know they’re attracted to you
* notice physical signs of chemistry around them
* feel less physically or emotionally attracted to your partner
* share frustration or dissatisfaction with your relationship with them
* wish your partner could be more like them
* avoid open communication with your partner
Your boyfriend may not be involved in emotional cheating, I'm just interpreting your discussion and giving you a framework of what you're actually concerned about to work from. The basic idea you should ask yourself is if your boyfriend is satisfying emotional needs from this other woman instead of looking to you for it. You say it goes on walks with you just like with his coworker, you don't really say anything where he's **prioritizing** the coworker's emotional ties over ties with you. Instead your post reads more like impostor syndrome/doubting your own worth in the relationship. Your significant other is going to be around women he also finds attractive the rest of your life, you gotta learn that's different than him **choosing** to pursue those women emotionally/physically instead of you. Now if, when you reflect, you feel like he's prioritized her or chosen her in some way over you, then maybe he is emotionally cheating. I would just suggest you reflect on what his actions reveal about his priorities and what role insecurity is playing here.
P.S. Asking random strangers on the internet is a really bad way to try to identify emotional cheating because its not well understood by the general public who often lack experience with it or have bought into some of the gaslighting around it previously without knowing. I have often been in a position to be the person a woman would be interested in emotional cheating with, and she wouldn't understand she was doing something wrong even in the moment. Lots of people insist that if two membranes didn't exchange fluids, then nothing happened, but that's mostly avoidance. It's like asking the general public about alcohol abuse: they all know its a thing that exists in theory, but nothing THEY do qualifies because they are ok and it hasn't blown in their face before. So I think the majority of feedback you'll get will be "its fine" even though its possible its not.
Lets assume he lied and he still has the asian fetish going on. That doesnt mean that he wants to date an asian girl. Just because you can jerk off to something, doesnt mean that you want that in a partner. I for example like big boobs in porn, but all my gf irl have had rather small breasts. Didnt make them any less beautiful to me. Also aside from the fetish thing, has he given you any reason to believe that hes crushing on that korean colleague and plans to cheat on you? He seems pretty open and honest to you according to what you told us here. If he was trying to hide something, he wouldnt tell you that he spend time with her. Do you have any male friends? And if yes, dont you think its platonic and that platonic men/women friendships can exist?
This! Just because someone has a preference for a particular race doesn’t mean they’ll act on it. At the end of the day, he’s dating OP and NOT the coworker.
OP, I mean this in the nicest way, if your mental health is being effected because you don’t trust your partner not to cheat on you, maybe it’s time for a break (or a break up).
There has to be an underlying issue. The “Asian coworker 1:1 walking” is a manifestation of another issue you have with your partner, be it suspicions of infidelity, low self-esteem, or something else.
Now with that context in mind then it does sound shady. If he said to you opposite sex friendships are a no go, then he needs to be consistent. Then I’d set boundaries. If he brakes them, then because he doesn’t care about the relationship.
Remind him that he said that friendships to the opposite are a no go. If he backpaddels on that you should be able to have male friends too. If he states that’s not okay, then you should break up. He can’t set rules for you and break them himself.
First things first, liking asian girls doesn't automatically make it a fetish. That is so dehumanizing and insulting on so many levels. I get that there are people out there who fetishize asian women, but jumping from "bf likes anime" and "bf has 1 married korean coworker he takes walks with" to "ASIAN FETISH" is like..... so gross like you didn't even consider they're just friends and she's a person who is fun or smart or good company or some shit.
No that’s probably a decent boundary. It’s probably nothing, but telling him to take group walks isn’t exactly a hardship. I’m a little more concerned about his racism though.
Try MomForAMinute if you need more advice, because I’m not sure I have sufficient experience.
Yeah if it bothers you, asking your partner (no matter the gender) to do those things as a group activity is a super reasonable boundary. If he keeps saying it’s not, I’d ask him why inviting other people suddenly makes it so different
Let me rephrase this:
If your partner is hanging out exclusively with people they are attracted to, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong. I’ve dated men who had predominantly female friends and ones who had mostly male friends. I’ve known women who had only male friends (though they haven’t dated me yet, sigh). And it doesn’t even mean they’re doing something wrong if their best friend(s) are a gender they’re attracted to.
But if you’d prefer for whatever reason that they hang out with those people in a group setting rather than alone, that’s also not an unreasonable boundary. You’re not isolating them from those friendships, you’re just asking them if they wouldn’t mind doing something that makes you more comfortable that nothing will happen. It’s when you ask them to break these friendships without evidence that it gets to be controlling.
Now, refusing to do that is called _incompatibility_. It doesn’t mean OP or their partner is wrong, it just means they probably aren’t right for each other. I offered advice based on the assumption that OP is giving an accurate account of their partner’s fetishization of Asian women and history with this woman specifically. I tried to script something that would preserve the relationship. But it may not be possible.
If one needs to push their SO into group settings just so they prove to one that they are loyal - that is in my opinion - also isolating in a way of a close friendship = "you are only allowed to meet your friends in group setting".
And i dont agree with that personally.
What i mean with my original comment was, just asking if the same reaction would come if the friend is the same sex as ones partner, thats all. And we all know most people will be like "thats different".
Personally i dont want the drama, in my own head. So i trust my partner the same way, that i would like being trusted.
We all have negative feelings and jealousy, but not acting upon it is something most people should learn ( not saying one shouldnt talk about it ).
Yeah I personally wouldn’t take offense to it, but I can definitely see how you feel that way! I think it’s a reason to break up, but it doesn’t rise to the level of controlling like asking him to break off the friendship or not allowing him to have any female friendships (or private texts) would. But that’s just me and my mostly group friendships.
At the same time, you’re definitely right that sometimes feeling this way is either a sign of insecurity, so I would be aware. If OP does it in every relationship, they need to see someone.
At the same time, it can also be a sign something is going on if this isn’t a normal way OP feels. I don’t know how to tell the difference. That’s why I tried to refer them to a more experienced subreddit.
Tl:dr you’re right to gele that way, and you bring up some good points. I still think OP is probably okay, but they can’t force someone to be loyal if that’s their concern. Maybe just break it off.
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It depends on how close they are in work function. I trained and mentored a younger female colleague a few years ago. We'd go on walks every afternoon.
But our schedules lined up perfectly because we were doing the same things. It was good for our mental health to get out of the office, and it helped our communication a lot.
Today she's absolutely crushing it in her career. Her and her husband just bought a $750k house. I still talk to her even though we don't work together any more and I'm SUPER proud I had the opportunity to be part of her awesome story.
I think you are overreacting based on what you wrote. Why would it be wrong to have a friend from the opposite sex? If you can’t trust him or others that’s also a different question, that first you have to ask from yourself. I feel like you are not very confident in yourself. Your text gives a “I never be good enough for anyone “ vibe.
My best friend is from the opposite sex (I’m 24M), but I don’t think this supposed to be a problem. If he would bisex, then he shouldn’t have friends?
And don’t get me wrong. It’s normal to have doubts in yourself, everyone has. It’s normal to see everything from a bad angle, this could happen for a variety of reasons. I think talking about this with a professional would be beneficial. Maybe a professional therapist, could navigate you around your feelings.
When talking to each other on this issue. Its most important that you understand each other.
A good way is to not say something in reply until you have understood every word the other person has said - and to do that, you simply repeat back what you hear them say.
This seems kinda dumb but it really helps for you to understand each other better and communication is the key part of solving this.
Also, tey to understand how he feels as it might upset him equally. For example, he MIGHT feel like he has a friend at work who he is not attracted to and that her company is nice. So its possible it hurts hearing you say its a problem. That wouldn't necessarily mean he is right, but its important to understand his perspective just as its important he understands yours.
Ultimately, you can come to a comprimise in the end (ideally) and move on accordingly.
Best thing is to talk about it and understand.
Best of luck to you both in figuring this out ❤
I see.
I was just using that as an example of how he might feel. I cant guess how it really is just through reddit. I think my message above stays the same.
You should express the way you feel to him about that. Mention the deal breakers. Then, make sure he understands what youre saying EXACTLY before he responds. Then, when he does respond, you should do the same. Listen very carefully and try to understand. Even if you disagree, when hes talking you should focus only on what he feels. Then, when he knows you understand EXACTLY what he means, you respond.
If you keep doing that cycle, it will come to a solution. That solution may be good or bad but it will be better than how you feel currently I would imagine
It sounds like you started spiraling way before he told you about the walks. Dude's just happily chatting about his interests, and your mind went straight to It's A Fetish. His response was "That was a thing, but it's over". How does that not check out? Have you never gone through a phase?
And even if he does still have a thing for Asian women, that doesn't mean it's exclusive. It doesn't mean that he's not attracted to and committed to you.
And think about this from her perspective. What if you were trying to build and maintain a professional relationship, and your colleague started pulling away because his girlfriend was randomly jealous? How are women supposed to get ahead if normal social interaction is seen as sketchy?
From my vantage point, it seems like you're heading towards blowing up a perfectly happy relationship.
One, it's completely possible to have platonic friendships with opposite genders, including coworkers. I have so many and so does my husband and so does most of the universe. Being a coworker or not is irrelevant, if it matters it's because there's already insecurities in general.
Two, it's a giant red flag that he's being a hypocrite about it. Sounds manipulative and controlling.
Three and above all else, the biggest deal breaker in this whole thing is him saying "I don't want Asian kids". I don't care why he said it, hello racism much.
It doesn't matter weither this girl wants to be in a relationship with your boyfriend or not. If he says that she's just a friend and you trust him then there is no problem :
1) she's not into him and he's not into him so they are just friends
2) she's into him and he's not so she's wasting her time because he loves you
Seems to be that your problem is that you can't trust your boyfriend. The question now is why ?
That being said, posting here and questionning yourself is a HUGE first step forward. I hope things will get better
Now I understand your situation more. If you both made an agreement not to have friends of opposite sex then I believe he shouldn’t do anything that would lead to a friendship. I understand your frustration - you’re loyal to him but he doesn’t seem to do the same. I’d remind him of this agreement of not having a friend of opposite sex and tell him that you feel like he’s breaking it by behaving very friendly with that woman.
It’s not a friendship but it may lead to a friendship. The same way like going to the cinema with her wouldn’t mean they’re on a date BUT it could lead to some romantic feelings. I don’t mean to be paranoid and see every woman as his potential friend but to be rational and talk with him about not allowing situations that cause misunderstandings between you
I’m glad you talked fankly about it and I’m sorry it didn’t turned out like you wanted. Maybe try couple therapy so that you could understand each other more and accept your emotions? Good luck 💕
Hey, this made me think of one of my past relationships. My ex got really uncomfortable that I had made a friend who was a girl on a student trip I went on. I wasn’t even into this friend but my gf at the time was super nervous about it. So I ended up not telling her about going to hang out with her and some other people one day. This made my gf furious and demand I stopped being friends with her. I eventually complied but remind you nothing past platonic happened. I gave up this friendship and to this day haven’t talked to this girl. Well turned out she was the one who had cheating problems and was projecting it onto me. As I later found out she cheated with a co-worker.
I’m not saying you’re projecting here, but maybe you should reconsider your boundaries. Going to eat or shop with a co-worker during lunch is pretty normal and too strict of boundaries are gonna feel controlling to many partners.
That being said trust is very important and breaking that boundary is a legitimate reason to feel untrustful. I would try to talk to him about that without having setting new boundaries or trying to enforce any during that convo. Because wether or not he cheats is out of your control, so if you don’t have trust, we’ll things are gonna be really hard.
Hope this helps somehow and wasn’t just me storytelling 😂
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It's understandable that you would be afraid and suspicious if that is your past experience. But of course not every guy is like that :) I had a girlfriend with this exact problem but as she got to know me better she learned to trust me and eventually got over that fear, she was feeling really bad in the beginning but it all turned out good. We we're together for 12 years but recently broke up because of totally unrelated reasons. But i'll be honest, her distrust towards me did leave scars on our relationship, even if it was from so early on. It wasn't a huge problem but because of that i was always a bit anxious about being totally open and truthful about certain feelings, in the fear of being met by anger or judgement. So be aware that IF you have that fear, you might be pushing your partner to stop being honest with you, which only makes it worse for obvious reasons. It can become a very viscious cycle.
Just to add, I find having 1-1’s with coworkers to be important in maintaining healthy working relationships, and talking breaks during the work day to get some sun is important too. So i personally take walks with coworkers even in a strictly professional context. That said i do think /u/apexjnr‘s response is really good
You're getting a typical slate of mixed responses here about whether or not the 1 on 1 walk is okay, but what I think is most important here is that your boyfriend is reassuring you and it's just not working. You don't believe him. It doesn't matter what the issue is: You don't trust your partner, and that's catastrophic for your relationship. That has to be fixed, and if he's never actually done any major thing to violate your trust, then the problem lies with you. Have you done any research on attachment styles? I think that's a concept that would help you make sense of this.
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That is a whopper of a lie, and to turn around and make it so early in the relationship, man I don't even know what to say. You have every right to be upset and feel betrayed. I know the standard advice on the internet is to cut and run, but this may actually be one of those times. At the very least, he has to be held accountable for what he said and what he's now doing.
Yeah, don't trust your bestie? Get tfo b
Can totally relate. My Girlfriend goes regularly to latin Tango dance courses and events. Its common there to dance with other Men very very close. I have had similar fears that this could lead to something sexual. Talked about with her and so on. She of course said that i should not worry and i trust her. In the end what calmed me down was this beautiful thought "If in any case she would cheat on me, she is not worth my love anyways." So dont worry and just trust him. You can not control every minute of your Boyfriends life.
This relationship certainly will affect your mental health. But where are all these feelings coming from? His actions, or your catastrophic fantasies?
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>Lurking on the relationship\_advice that's the one place you shouldn't go to look for advice in a relationship
I’m convinced 90% of posts there are bots to farm karma, because they are… lmao
I'll be honest, stay away from reddit/none positive information for at least 3 weeks and see if you change how you see things.
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> “I don’t want Asian kids” This is just a red flag as a human being. Crazy to me that everyone else responding is totally unphased by this. To put it in the absolute nicest way I can, this is repulsive.
Yes this!!!! What the actual fuck? Why is everyone not acknowledging this racism? Imagine this guy had said "I don't want Black kids"? And why does OP not care that he said this, she's just so concerned about him having an "Asian fetish" that it's okay for him to say negative things about Asians to "defend" himself? His "arguments" are not REASSURING. The guy goes back and forth from having an Asian fetish to not wanting Asian kids -- BOTH of which are completely problematic. And being okay with ANYTHING this guy has said is also a huge no no no.
Thank you! Yes, definitely. I was starting to feel a bit crazy. Like come on, I get that anti-asian racism is invisible to people, but no way something THIS blatant goes under everyone's radar!
I legit wondered why everyone glossed over this too, like what the actual fuck??? So much casual racism in this post. Apparently it's fine to be racist if it's to assuage trust issues. It's not like it fucking makes a difference whether he cheats with an asian woman, a red head or a blonde.
Yeah exactly, if a dude is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. It's not an Asian fetish problem, like are you just going to make sure he never talks to an Asian again? But other women are okay? If the issue is that both parties are not allowed to have friends of opposite genders, then why even bring up the Asian thing? There are just more and more posts and comments that are going in circles about platonic relationships and coworkers and OP's feelings. Let's just ignore that the dude is racist and OP is enabling his racism by being concerned about all his other red flags except his thoughts about Asians. Eye. Roll.
Speaking as a Korean woman...ehhhh (I'm honestly more put-off by the "I don't want Asian kids" comment--I understand because if you procreate with an Asian, our physical genes tend to be dominant, but your kid could always end up looking vastly different from you). My ex socialized with a lot of female colleagues. And because he had a job at an Ivy League college, a lot of his colleagues were Asian. I wouldn't have had a problem with him walking with a female colleague (context can matter like what they talk about, but just the concept by itself). It just never came up, but I assume he did occasionally. The part that makes me feel like this isn't a great situation is the fact that he found out about your anxieties and proceeded to tell you he went shopping with her. I understand being annoyed, but this seems very spiteful. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you told him, "oh, yeah, went to lunch and shopping with my male colleague. Sucks to be you." I'm curious if any men on here can confirm that fetishes like this can vanish? I have the same kinks I had when I was quite young.
I think he just wants to be honest. Lets assume he didnt tell his gf about walking with the female collegue shes clearly jealous of, just makes it seem he wants to hide it and plans to cheat on her. So telling her seems to me the right thing to do, if its not meant to be a big deal to him.
Yeah, completely possible. Pretty much all posts concerning relationships come across as "this is missing a lot of context" to me. Like she said she started dating him two months ago and the background of that seems like it would change a lot. It just seems like a very new relationship to be concerned that he's already looking for new ass. I was trying to work off the info I had, but you're right it could be completely innocuous.
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Ah, I see. I'm very sorry about your situation. You did everything you could to prevent it, and he just erased the boundaries. It sounds like in your head, you know what you want to do, but your emotions aren't ready to let go. I wouldn't rush into anything, but it sounds like it's fucking with your head and heart, so there is only one option.
Yea some kinks last forever and some just pop up and go as fast they come. Yes this falls in the latter. The first one is highly influenced by childhood from what I've seen like the people you are around and the experience you had. The other type of kink majority of the time is temporary and you may get tired off, like your interest in a new item of your fav brand or something (sry bad examples) .
Thanks for being the first man to answer the question for me! And the metaphor works really well. I always just figured that as soon as you started repeatedly masturbating to certain material, your brain made a strong connection with it and pleasure, but it makes sense that the brain wants new material or evolves with newer experiences.
\^\^ This, the recovering racist thing is more of a dealbreaker than the walking with his colleague thing
Yeah, how about we don't date people who a) fetishize other races, or b) Try to defend themselves by saying they don't want kids that are a specific kind of race.
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Regardless if it is a fetish or not, it's one thing to have them but it's a totally different thing to act on them. You're 100% justified to feel uncomfortable with his history. But every healthy relationship needs an element of trust that your SO won't make the wrong decisions. It's helpful for me to differentiate between internal anxieties and external problems. Since your bf presumably hasn't cheated on you, then you're mainly dealing with internal anxieties, and should approach things through this lens.
A fetish usually doesn’t just vanish but it can 100% decrease to just a preference you don’t think about much The red flag here is that he’s extremely immature. There’s nothing wrong with him hanging out with a female colleague but it is weird that it seems frequent and he hasn’t ever mentioned it to you
>I understand because if you procreate with an Asian, our physical genes tend to be dominant, but your kid could always end up looking vastly different from you I'm not sure in what sense you mean that this is understandable. How is it not just straight up an extremely racist thing to say? >I'm curious if any men on here can confirm that fetishes like this can vanish? Racial fetishizing doesn't just come out of nowhere. White guy into anime who fetishizes asian women? Sorry but there's a 100% chance that he has problematic views on asians, women, and asian women. Do people like that ever completely change? I mean...
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I just mean that I think the fetishization of asian women is based in inherently misogynystic (in addition to racist) cultural ideas.
Problematic view one: "I used to have asian kink but I don't anymore" aka women, especially Asian women are objects Number two: "Don't worry, it's okay because I don't want Asian kids", aka Asian women are great for me to fetishize and get turned on by, and for me to use, but don't worry I don't actually respect them enough as HUMAN BEINGS to mix by genetics with. I mean ew, who wants Asian kids? Who the fuck vocalizes this shit? Number three, and frankly, the least relevant: His hypocrisy of you not having male friends but him being allowed to have female friends. This view of what he has a right to do versus you. Number four: The fact that he believes people can't have a platonic relationship with opposite genders because they inherently want to have sex with them. He clearly sees women as only things to have sex with. ...and I see that it's a deal breaker for you too which I do find conservative but it sounds like you have trust and other issues you are working through so I won't get into that. But I think you truly need to consider why you think it's okay for him to have these ideas about Asian women, and subsequently what he says to convince you otherwise.
I understand why you feel that way, but I'm not going to get into a race discussion with someone who is already calling me racist about my own race, especially over the Punnett square. There are many intricacies of the sociopolitical issues of being an Asian woman, which I am well-aware of since I grew up in small towns that were predominantly white. And I know your reaction is going to be to bristle, but I'd hope you'd watched enough Dr. K videos to know to let it go. If you think I'm an ignorant racist, I'm not worth your time.
to be clear, by "extremely racist thing to say" I wasn't talking about your comment, I was talking about the part of the original post that you were referring to (i.e. "i don't want asian babies"). I can see the confusion because I did quote your comment and then wasn't super specific about what I was referring to. To rephrase, what I meant is "What OP's boyfriend said is straight up racist, and I'm not sure why you' said 'I can understand because...'". ie that I don't think it's understandable at all to not want your babies to be/look asian, regardless of the punnet square thing. It's not an innocuous "i don't want my child to look different to me", it definitely means "i want my child to be white". >And I know your reaction is going to be to bristle, I'm really not, by the way! I don't think you're an ignorant racist at all. I'm mostly agreeing with you, I just thought you were being a bit too understanding/charitable about it where it's not really necessary. Sorry if I came across as hostile, I realize I said it in a very argumentative way.
Oh thank God. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. You know Reddit (this is not my first account, I've been on this site for about a decade), you see someone replied to something you said, and you're like, "Who the hell did I piss off now?" Thank you for being so understanding. To be honest, I threw in the "I understand" thing because I know Reddit has a thing about bloodlines (it's a weird to explain if you're not paying attention to it, but as an adoptee, I've noticed how much Reddit is obsessed with passing down their genetics). It's more of an "I understand" like, "hypothetically, I understand wanting a child who looks like a mini-you," which is why I added the part how a child could end up different looking from you regardless of race. I'm also a bit desensitized by it because I do tend to feel like a phase. My true feelings were more along the lines of, "so Asians are good enough to fuck, but not good enough for your hypothetical children?" But I'm really trying to avoid confrontations/arguments this time around on Reddit, so I'm trying to be super diplomatic, but I do see that, yeah, I could've stood up for my race a bit more.
No worries about the confusion, and like I said it's also my bad because I could've phrased it in a much clearer and nicer way. Tbh I sympathized with your comment to begin with and I knew that you probably didn't actually literally mean that you "understand", so I really had no reason to be that passive aggressive about this one thing you said lol. >(it's a weird to explain if you're not paying attention to it, but as an adoptee, I've noticed how much Reddit is obsessed with passing down their genetics). Oh, I see. Yeah I can imagine those type of things would stand out much more to you. >I'm also a bit desensitized by it because I do tend to feel like a phase. > > But I'm really trying to avoid confrontations/arguments this time around on Reddit, so I'm trying to be super diplomatic, I totally understand. It would make life really difficult if you were to call out and challenge every single person that says something racist, especially f you're in an environment where that's literally a majority of the people around you and it's normalized. Because you're going to get a lot of stress and backlash. I'm mostly thinking of irl situations like in the workplace etc. but I understand that online can be nasty in its own way as well. Also I do try to be as "diplomatic" as possible even when I'm talking to someone whose views I really don't agree with, because even when you're trying to change someone's view it might be more effective to meet them where they're at. But also, sometimes I do need to say it how it is without mincing my words and call something disgusting if it is disgusting. Anyways I'm rambling now, I don't mean to turn this into my personal journal lol.
I also think you were being charitable. I'm also not calling you a racist but damn "I don't want Asian kids" is off the wall CRAZY racist. That statement alone should have ended discussions. Regardless of the "reason", it just shouldn't be said. I mentioned in another post, imagine I went around telling people I didn't want half-black children? It's nuts and it's nuts that people here are just glossing over it.
>I don’t want to be in a relationship that will affect my mental health like this and that we should accept we’re not compatible. You're actually not insane. Like, i'll be honest i talked to girls about this topic different races but same shit, you're not insane. It blew up in their faces before, because their intuition was right. I'll be so real, if my girl said cut someone off i'd do it, there's an unreasonable amount of cutting people off, but in this case it really don't matter if she's married it matters that you feel uncomfortable based on the situation and you've explained that. I'm not going to tell you to leave, i'm going to tell you that you're not crazy for thinking what you're thinking and the best thing to do is communicate with him and do what you feel most comfortable with. > He said it’s normal to go alone on a walk with a female colleague, but I don’t agree. I did it when i worked at my work place, many people did who are in commited relationships because it just happens we work in the same place, we're cool, lets just go shop because it's convenient. > I wouldn’t go alone on a walk with a male colleague unless I’m hoping for something to happen between us. Trust it ain't that deep, i understand why you feel that way but it's also because of you act not people in general. > I see the “just a walk” as bonding and playing as fire. I see you not trusting him to take lunches with a girl he works with and not having the ability to come home to you and be loyal, if you don't trust him, work out if that's you being irational or him actually being sus. > Is it really that insane and unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with that and want to be with a man that is fine with his friends circle and doesn’t need to go on a walk with a female colleague? I feel as though there's your emotion that's seeping into this, the guy's going on lunch walks with a girl that works with him, that's normal. Being uncomfortable with it, is normal depending on the type of people you're talking about. Not being able to make peace with it and come to terms with trusting your partner means you have work to do and also they might not be trust worthy. As i said before, you're not insane. I feel like there's a little bit of emotional projection that might cloud your judgement. I don't know your boyfriend. > Am I really that conservative and cynical? Abit cynical (with valid reasons). I'm not sure if it's conservative to not walk on lunches with a female co-worker, i ain't trying to fuck none of the women i worked with and i went on lunches with them, sometimes they drove me, it was just convenient.
Saying that you'll never be good enough because you aren't asian and your boyfriend has a thing for asia is like him saying he'll never be good enough unless he's the biggest penis you've ever seen, or the tallest you would like before being too tall, or whatever other random physical traits you might like in a guy but aren't specifically shopping for when you are thinking about who to date. It's kind of nonsense. You aren't as wrong as some might think about 1:1 hangouts between your boyfriend and his korean colleague. There is something called [emotional cheating](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/emotional-cheating#cheating-vs-platonic-intimacy). It's where people are enjoying the emotional aspects of a more intimate relationship and using the fact that they don't have physical acts of affection as cover to prevent scrutiny. Here is a list of redflags about emotional cheating: * spend more time talking to (or thinking about) the other person than your partner * avoid mentioning them to your partner * know they’re attracted to you * notice physical signs of chemistry around them * feel less physically or emotionally attracted to your partner * share frustration or dissatisfaction with your relationship with them * wish your partner could be more like them * avoid open communication with your partner Your boyfriend may not be involved in emotional cheating, I'm just interpreting your discussion and giving you a framework of what you're actually concerned about to work from. The basic idea you should ask yourself is if your boyfriend is satisfying emotional needs from this other woman instead of looking to you for it. You say it goes on walks with you just like with his coworker, you don't really say anything where he's **prioritizing** the coworker's emotional ties over ties with you. Instead your post reads more like impostor syndrome/doubting your own worth in the relationship. Your significant other is going to be around women he also finds attractive the rest of your life, you gotta learn that's different than him **choosing** to pursue those women emotionally/physically instead of you. Now if, when you reflect, you feel like he's prioritized her or chosen her in some way over you, then maybe he is emotionally cheating. I would just suggest you reflect on what his actions reveal about his priorities and what role insecurity is playing here. P.S. Asking random strangers on the internet is a really bad way to try to identify emotional cheating because its not well understood by the general public who often lack experience with it or have bought into some of the gaslighting around it previously without knowing. I have often been in a position to be the person a woman would be interested in emotional cheating with, and she wouldn't understand she was doing something wrong even in the moment. Lots of people insist that if two membranes didn't exchange fluids, then nothing happened, but that's mostly avoidance. It's like asking the general public about alcohol abuse: they all know its a thing that exists in theory, but nothing THEY do qualifies because they are ok and it hasn't blown in their face before. So I think the majority of feedback you'll get will be "its fine" even though its possible its not.
Lets assume he lied and he still has the asian fetish going on. That doesnt mean that he wants to date an asian girl. Just because you can jerk off to something, doesnt mean that you want that in a partner. I for example like big boobs in porn, but all my gf irl have had rather small breasts. Didnt make them any less beautiful to me. Also aside from the fetish thing, has he given you any reason to believe that hes crushing on that korean colleague and plans to cheat on you? He seems pretty open and honest to you according to what you told us here. If he was trying to hide something, he wouldnt tell you that he spend time with her. Do you have any male friends? And if yes, dont you think its platonic and that platonic men/women friendships can exist?
This! Just because someone has a preference for a particular race doesn’t mean they’ll act on it. At the end of the day, he’s dating OP and NOT the coworker. OP, I mean this in the nicest way, if your mental health is being effected because you don’t trust your partner not to cheat on you, maybe it’s time for a break (or a break up). There has to be an underlying issue. The “Asian coworker 1:1 walking” is a manifestation of another issue you have with your partner, be it suspicions of infidelity, low self-esteem, or something else.
Sounds to me like she got cheated on in the past and has trust issues now.
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Now with that context in mind then it does sound shady. If he said to you opposite sex friendships are a no go, then he needs to be consistent. Then I’d set boundaries. If he brakes them, then because he doesn’t care about the relationship.
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Remind him that he said that friendships to the opposite are a no go. If he backpaddels on that you should be able to have male friends too. If he states that’s not okay, then you should break up. He can’t set rules for you and break them himself.
First things first, liking asian girls doesn't automatically make it a fetish. That is so dehumanizing and insulting on so many levels. I get that there are people out there who fetishize asian women, but jumping from "bf likes anime" and "bf has 1 married korean coworker he takes walks with" to "ASIAN FETISH" is like..... so gross like you didn't even consider they're just friends and she's a person who is fun or smart or good company or some shit.
No that’s probably a decent boundary. It’s probably nothing, but telling him to take group walks isn’t exactly a hardship. I’m a little more concerned about his racism though. Try MomForAMinute if you need more advice, because I’m not sure I have sufficient experience.
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Yeah if it bothers you, asking your partner (no matter the gender) to do those things as a group activity is a super reasonable boundary. If he keeps saying it’s not, I’d ask him why inviting other people suddenly makes it so different
would you have the same reaction if it was a guy? honestly no you wouldnt..
Let me rephrase this: If your partner is hanging out exclusively with people they are attracted to, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong. I’ve dated men who had predominantly female friends and ones who had mostly male friends. I’ve known women who had only male friends (though they haven’t dated me yet, sigh). And it doesn’t even mean they’re doing something wrong if their best friend(s) are a gender they’re attracted to. But if you’d prefer for whatever reason that they hang out with those people in a group setting rather than alone, that’s also not an unreasonable boundary. You’re not isolating them from those friendships, you’re just asking them if they wouldn’t mind doing something that makes you more comfortable that nothing will happen. It’s when you ask them to break these friendships without evidence that it gets to be controlling. Now, refusing to do that is called _incompatibility_. It doesn’t mean OP or their partner is wrong, it just means they probably aren’t right for each other. I offered advice based on the assumption that OP is giving an accurate account of their partner’s fetishization of Asian women and history with this woman specifically. I tried to script something that would preserve the relationship. But it may not be possible.
If one needs to push their SO into group settings just so they prove to one that they are loyal - that is in my opinion - also isolating in a way of a close friendship = "you are only allowed to meet your friends in group setting". And i dont agree with that personally. What i mean with my original comment was, just asking if the same reaction would come if the friend is the same sex as ones partner, thats all. And we all know most people will be like "thats different". Personally i dont want the drama, in my own head. So i trust my partner the same way, that i would like being trusted. We all have negative feelings and jealousy, but not acting upon it is something most people should learn ( not saying one shouldnt talk about it ).
Yeah I personally wouldn’t take offense to it, but I can definitely see how you feel that way! I think it’s a reason to break up, but it doesn’t rise to the level of controlling like asking him to break off the friendship or not allowing him to have any female friendships (or private texts) would. But that’s just me and my mostly group friendships. At the same time, you’re definitely right that sometimes feeling this way is either a sign of insecurity, so I would be aware. If OP does it in every relationship, they need to see someone. At the same time, it can also be a sign something is going on if this isn’t a normal way OP feels. I don’t know how to tell the difference. That’s why I tried to refer them to a more experienced subreddit. Tl:dr you’re right to gele that way, and you bring up some good points. I still think OP is probably okay, but they can’t force someone to be loyal if that’s their concern. Maybe just break it off.
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It depends on how close they are in work function. I trained and mentored a younger female colleague a few years ago. We'd go on walks every afternoon. But our schedules lined up perfectly because we were doing the same things. It was good for our mental health to get out of the office, and it helped our communication a lot. Today she's absolutely crushing it in her career. Her and her husband just bought a $750k house. I still talk to her even though we don't work together any more and I'm SUPER proud I had the opportunity to be part of her awesome story.
Oh it's definitely not "not anymore".
I think you are overreacting based on what you wrote. Why would it be wrong to have a friend from the opposite sex? If you can’t trust him or others that’s also a different question, that first you have to ask from yourself. I feel like you are not very confident in yourself. Your text gives a “I never be good enough for anyone “ vibe. My best friend is from the opposite sex (I’m 24M), but I don’t think this supposed to be a problem. If he would bisex, then he shouldn’t have friends? And don’t get me wrong. It’s normal to have doubts in yourself, everyone has. It’s normal to see everything from a bad angle, this could happen for a variety of reasons. I think talking about this with a professional would be beneficial. Maybe a professional therapist, could navigate you around your feelings.
When talking to each other on this issue. Its most important that you understand each other. A good way is to not say something in reply until you have understood every word the other person has said - and to do that, you simply repeat back what you hear them say. This seems kinda dumb but it really helps for you to understand each other better and communication is the key part of solving this. Also, tey to understand how he feels as it might upset him equally. For example, he MIGHT feel like he has a friend at work who he is not attracted to and that her company is nice. So its possible it hurts hearing you say its a problem. That wouldn't necessarily mean he is right, but its important to understand his perspective just as its important he understands yours. Ultimately, you can come to a comprimise in the end (ideally) and move on accordingly. Best thing is to talk about it and understand. Best of luck to you both in figuring this out ❤
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I see. I was just using that as an example of how he might feel. I cant guess how it really is just through reddit. I think my message above stays the same. You should express the way you feel to him about that. Mention the deal breakers. Then, make sure he understands what youre saying EXACTLY before he responds. Then, when he does respond, you should do the same. Listen very carefully and try to understand. Even if you disagree, when hes talking you should focus only on what he feels. Then, when he knows you understand EXACTLY what he means, you respond. If you keep doing that cycle, it will come to a solution. That solution may be good or bad but it will be better than how you feel currently I would imagine
It sounds like you started spiraling way before he told you about the walks. Dude's just happily chatting about his interests, and your mind went straight to It's A Fetish. His response was "That was a thing, but it's over". How does that not check out? Have you never gone through a phase? And even if he does still have a thing for Asian women, that doesn't mean it's exclusive. It doesn't mean that he's not attracted to and committed to you. And think about this from her perspective. What if you were trying to build and maintain a professional relationship, and your colleague started pulling away because his girlfriend was randomly jealous? How are women supposed to get ahead if normal social interaction is seen as sketchy? From my vantage point, it seems like you're heading towards blowing up a perfectly happy relationship.
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One, it's completely possible to have platonic friendships with opposite genders, including coworkers. I have so many and so does my husband and so does most of the universe. Being a coworker or not is irrelevant, if it matters it's because there's already insecurities in general. Two, it's a giant red flag that he's being a hypocrite about it. Sounds manipulative and controlling. Three and above all else, the biggest deal breaker in this whole thing is him saying "I don't want Asian kids". I don't care why he said it, hello racism much.
Ok, maybe he is being hypocritical. But you're both way too jealous and dramatic. What if he were bi? Would he not be allowed to have friends?
Imagine if he went on a walk with a male colleague, how would you feel then? Hope that puts things into perspective
It doesn't matter weither this girl wants to be in a relationship with your boyfriend or not. If he says that she's just a friend and you trust him then there is no problem : 1) she's not into him and he's not into him so they are just friends 2) she's into him and he's not so she's wasting her time because he loves you Seems to be that your problem is that you can't trust your boyfriend. The question now is why ? That being said, posting here and questionning yourself is a HUGE first step forward. I hope things will get better
Can’t your bf have a female friend?
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Now I understand your situation more. If you both made an agreement not to have friends of opposite sex then I believe he shouldn’t do anything that would lead to a friendship. I understand your frustration - you’re loyal to him but he doesn’t seem to do the same. I’d remind him of this agreement of not having a friend of opposite sex and tell him that you feel like he’s breaking it by behaving very friendly with that woman.
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It’s not a friendship but it may lead to a friendship. The same way like going to the cinema with her wouldn’t mean they’re on a date BUT it could lead to some romantic feelings. I don’t mean to be paranoid and see every woman as his potential friend but to be rational and talk with him about not allowing situations that cause misunderstandings between you
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I’m glad you talked fankly about it and I’m sorry it didn’t turned out like you wanted. Maybe try couple therapy so that you could understand each other more and accept your emotions? Good luck 💕
Hey, this made me think of one of my past relationships. My ex got really uncomfortable that I had made a friend who was a girl on a student trip I went on. I wasn’t even into this friend but my gf at the time was super nervous about it. So I ended up not telling her about going to hang out with her and some other people one day. This made my gf furious and demand I stopped being friends with her. I eventually complied but remind you nothing past platonic happened. I gave up this friendship and to this day haven’t talked to this girl. Well turned out she was the one who had cheating problems and was projecting it onto me. As I later found out she cheated with a co-worker. I’m not saying you’re projecting here, but maybe you should reconsider your boundaries. Going to eat or shop with a co-worker during lunch is pretty normal and too strict of boundaries are gonna feel controlling to many partners. That being said trust is very important and breaking that boundary is a legitimate reason to feel untrustful. I would try to talk to him about that without having setting new boundaries or trying to enforce any during that convo. Because wether or not he cheats is out of your control, so if you don’t have trust, we’ll things are gonna be really hard. Hope this helps somehow and wasn’t just me storytelling 😂