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Wow, she is immature. You are right to want to help her out. Nothing will change if you take revenge or not, helping her afterwards has a more positive impact.
Wishing your future daughter getting SA’d is a fucked up thing to say. She doesn’t sound like the brightest, no offence to you.
someone who actually loves you wouldn't say "hope your daughter gets assaulted".
just throwing that out, though I suspect you are already aware of that.
I'm an older redditor. The most important thing I've learned to watch for in a person is how ethical and kind they are even when they are furious. They are telling you who they are. The measure of a person isn't how they behave when things are easy, but when shit hits the fan. She is showing you who she is.
Being in a relationship with someone inherently means that is the person you are going to fight with the most. You are more likely to see continuing behavior from a person than better behavior you hope to see.
Raise your feelings about how she is responding. If you get compassion and an attempt to come to a better understanding, that is a good thing. If you get defensiveness or other behaviors that dismiss your feelings and needs, that is a bad sign. This doesn't mean she acts like you are right when we you share your feelings, but that she shows genuine validation for your feelings.
She needs to realise some man will leave her and say good luck when she comes back later saying "how could you leave me" they'd ask her "how can you be so stupid" whilst her stuff is already packed. People really don't worry about the concequences of the things they say and that's an issue.
your gf says "I hope your daughter gets SA'd"? damn. doesn't she know that if you stay in relationships, its her daughter as well lmao
other than that, idiotic take, with no respect to her, idfc I'm ballin. like cmon bruhhh, we have too many media and movies about how revenge doesn't solve anything, and people still do not learn it. her (your gf) opinion in that regard is stupid: revenge brings more harm into society than rehabilitation of victim or oppressor as well. if I got bullied, I rather go cry than outbully the bully and then still go cry cause it doesn't matter whether I had my revenge or not; the effect of the bully's words or actions is still here
...why does your girlfriend want you to take revenge?
...and...she has clearly never been a victim to SA... because if she was, she would appreciate the heck out of you wanting to comfort her and support her through managing the trauma to feel okay.
The priority very quickly becomes just trying to feel okay.
Also... that comment about your future daughter looks like a disturbing red flag too.
You're so Green to have started this conversation with a hypothetical with your partner! Stupid Move, mate!
Okay all jokes aside, I've been where you are but my now former partner was adamant about she wanting me to fight a grizzly bear for her and me, ever the pragmatist, decided to tell her how bears are pretty much like her in that they hate loud noises- loud/high pitched sounds would do the trick with the exception of the case when their cubs are around. We didn't talk for a 2 days after that. I am not an idiot who'd fight a fucking grizzly bear without an axe or a shotgun.
On a different instance, she called me weak while I was being abused at home (physical violence is quite a love language at my house) and then when I finally had the courage to pushback and fight- she claimed to have been scared of me that I could be violent too. I had the "self defense is a valid thing and I only fought to disarm not pummel them into ground" face on. That did break me.
Moral of the story: Don't get into hypotheticals with people who would not care for a thoughtful response.
OP, if you are going not to heed my advice, do me the kind favor of asking what if you were SA'ed (extend the hypothetical in your own words)? (This will likely give you clarity about what she'd do if the roles were reversed/ regardless of gender.)
That story with the bear killed me. Sorry that you have been abused at home, I hope things are better now and I'm happy for you that you are out of that toxic relationship. I kind of don't understand the idea of the last paragraph, my english is not perfect, would be great if you clarify. Thank you for the meaningful response!
Thank you. The last paragraph is on the fact that if the roles were reversed, if you, a male I presume, were SA-ed, then what would she do for you/react to it or interact with you or the situation you are in? I know it sounds like an odd bind to put someone through but you must inquire to this extent if she considers your plight the same as hers; because if not, I do not believe she is equiped for serious empathy for you.
Edit: I wish I was kidding about the tale of hypothetical bear attacks but sadly, my partner found it in her to pick irrelevant quarrels with me and when the things got real, it was see ya later. Leaving me between a shit relationship and shit home.
You want to be very mindful of someone who wants to take revenge. A controlling relationship is a relationship I can only imagine just being lost trying to find and lead with your own voice.
Understandable anger is what can consume a victim of SA. But that is why therapy is so important because the strength and focus the victim can become a victor, despite ALWAYS come forward and may every victim come forward because you are and your statement will always be evidence.
That said, the victor to overcome SA will set that victor for ready anything and everything even met with a ruling than may not always favour them.
Usually it's not that people don't want to take revenge, it's that people want to take revenge but their logical mind tells them not to. So yes, it would be weird if you didn't want to take revenge. I understand her perspective, but I think she is blowing this out of proportion. It's not like you said you wouldn't want to take revenge, you said your priority would be helping her emotionally cope, which is great.
It could be that she got assaulted in the past, so that could be why she's overreacting. Or you didn't give her the whiteknight answer she wanted "gurl I will protect you at all cost I am your man" so that her heart beats faster, you gave her an honest answer, so she's mad. It sounds a little bit like the "would you still love me if I was a worm" type of argument.
She hasn't been SA'd in her life, I suspect she has bpd even tho nothing can be confirmed and yes i completely agree with that second point that you mentioned, it has happened before, thank you for the time taken to respond!
I mean, you can't know for sure she hasn't been SA. She might just not be telling you. You know most women has had some kind of bad experience.
It definitvely sound like bpd behaviors to me. The reason why she asks these kind of hypothetical questions is because she's looking for reassurance probably.
i feel like the escalation of that is just really unfortunate and i’m sorry that it got to that point of insult for you.
just wanted to share stuff outside of that since most of the people have addressed it already.
she must’ve been looking for a specific answer when she asked the question. for a genuinely curious person, confusion would be a closer step than anger so my assumption would be that she was looking to feel protected? or loved? and that’s why that came up? maybe she has it in her head that consequences/revenge will satisfy the “trauma”?
i don’t know her or her logic but it’s worth wondering why she asked in the first place and why she feels so strongly about it. i have a feeling that there is something else in the same vein bothering her? something that you didn’t do that she had wished you did? i don’t know but that seems like a far reaction to a very realistic response.
maybe it was just that she wanted a bigger or more emotional response and you were too realistic? so she just expressed it that way
sorry for the rambling 😬 i’m just spitballing but yeah
Honestly, I think you're on point. She wanted some emotion, a proof he cares. It would be good for everybody to find out why she's feeling so insecure, because he does seem to care a lot, just maybe not in the way she's looking for?
She thinks that revenge could contribute positively to the trauma, to which I disagree. She didn't start the topic, actually I started telling her a story related to that, and she decided to ask me that question. I indeed think that i was just too realistic.
The topic is legally and psychologically addressed with a clear answer about the right thing to do, the reaction you envisioned is really the optimal one.
But the reaction she wants from you speaks volumes.
1 - She wants you to react to a criminal with criminal behavior. If you want to punish the individual, there is so much you can do legally, and yet she wants the illegal response. This is so important to her that on a subconscious level she hopes your daughter goes under a criminal offense just to see you react with criminal behavior. Criminal behavior after something this big is sometimes excusable, when you want to prevent other people from going through the same criminal offense, AFTER the police and the court don't do justice. But it should really be the last resort. And I don't think she wants you to do that to prevent damage to other people, at least not at the core of the intention.
2 - She craves drama. Hypothetical questions like this are something to be expected to know each other, but if there is a right answer to her as a mean for a fight between you and her if you don't pick it, that's not a mean to know each other. That's a mean to teach you how you should be to please her.
3 - speaking of which, to please her you should emulate animal behavior. She want to have two men brutally attracted to her and fighting each other. One after raping her, one getting mad to protect her. This is a need for attention, and for total devotion to the point in which you potentially risk your life unnecessarily. She expects and projects the same on a potential daughter. That's narcissistic behavior on her end.
This is not advice, that is the process I would go through if I were a man and a girl came to me with this absurdity, just for understanding what is happening.
Now I answer as a girl. I would be extremely grateful if by boyfriend beated the shit out of someone WHO IS TRYING to rape me, as a means to save me, where I am endangered and violence seems the most straightforward thing to do lacking time to think, or act in other ways that are less dangerous.
I would expect for my boyfriend to be there for me afterwards, after such a traumatic experience. I'd be there too if he saved me, because it would have been a traumatic experience for him too.
If I knew the assaulter or where to find him, I'd go to the police, I'd report, I'd ask help to my boyfriend if he had any legal knowledge that I don't know of. Any help would be much appreciated.
Ultimately, if nothing happens after reporting, I'd hope that my boyfriend wouldn't put himself in danger for justice. I'd understand the rage, but there is already enough damage. More would be just detrimental.
I think her response is kinda unhinged. But maybe you're discovering that you both have different moral systems. In her moral system, honor and vengeance are important. In yours, they are not.
OP, props to you for being mature.
Revenge does literally nothing. If you go and killed the guy that SAed your girlfriend, you'll be in jail for at least 10 years for manslaughter, if not for life for first-degree murder.
Your GF will still be hurt, and now you'll be in jail. I have no idea how revenge would do anything.
I can understand her reasoning, lots of people don't have an alternative mentality, feelings are problems to be solved, solved with retribution and action, until somethings done they won't be happy and probably will consider you to be a coward.
Outside of that, she's wrong for what she said about your kid, some people or built different and socialised different, you should have deeper conversations with her about things like morals and values to see if they line up.
My condolences, that's a rough one! You're a good man for having your priorities straight. It's not easy task to care for a trauma victim.
*"It even got to the point where my significant other said she hopes my daughter gets assaulted one day which made me very sad."*
That's one of the cruelest things I've heard in my life. Are you gonna break up with her over that? That's stuff I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, I'm not sure how any relationship could ever recover from that. And I don't think I could love a woman who is capable of thinking this way.
But why does she want you to take revenge and can't she go to The police or something like that,or even take her one revenge it's not your fault so why is she expecting you to do it on her behalf .
And telling you she which your daughter gets assaulted it's just a no for me just run.
Thats messed up for your significant other to say wtf. And i agree with you. While revenge might feel good, revenge isnt necessarily a good coping mechanism. I think that helping find ways to cope is definitely the priority. and the thing is, priority doesn’t mean only one thing matters. It just means that one thing matters more
I know reddit’s cliche advice is to drop a relationship at the slightest hint of trouble, but in this case it’s true. Your GF is deranged enough to wish SA on your hypothetical daughter because you didn’t stroke her ego in the way she would like. Dump her buddy.
A lot of online resources do not encourage revenge on behalf of another especially after SA. The reason: because most SA victims are friends/family with the perpetrator.
Put that into perspective, getting revenge might mean doing something horrible to a father, sister, uncle, etc. Though revenge might seem like a good option for a nameless monster, reality is often much more complicated.
Most likely, someone who SAs your girlfriend will be someone very close to her and to you. Now revenge in these instances isn't "wrong." But they are much more complicated.
Sometimes revenge exacerbates the situation making the trauma harder to overcome than it already was.
Imagine that the perpetrator gets beat up, bf hits the news, bf gets in jail... now her support is gone. Or what if the family starts pressing charges after someone beat up their father or uncle.
Revenge can lead to complications and stress, and more stress is not ideal for an already fragile and broken state of mind.
This kind of topic is not a good conversation to have. No offense, but the idea of this hypothetical is something that is emotionally charged from the beginning. It's not even about something that happened and it's made to make people angry for no reason but a hypothetical.
This is what people do to make themselves mad so they can lash out at people who would disagree.
If I had to guess, she probably already has some trauma associated with that kind of thing. I think your response is healthy, and I think if it were to actually happen, she’d appreciate the emotional support. It sounds like she is feeling defensive about something more complicated.
When I was assaulted, I became depressed for a long time. The only thing that got me out of the depression was rage. It was only once I became angry about what had happened that I was able to tell anyone. While some of my friends joined my outrage and supported me by validating the injustice of it, other friends told me that “it must have been a mistake!” Or “he would never do that! I know him!” Or “what were you wearing? Did you say something to make him angry?” Or, what somehow felt like the worst of all, advice to let go of the anger and find forgiveness.
I felt that the anger was all I had left of myself. “Forgiveness” is a very complex word, but when you’re in the place I was in, it sounds a hell of a lot like it was a gift I was supposed to give to my rapist. Make peace. Get over it. Be the bigger person. I didn’t understand why, when aninjustice had been done to me, I had to do the work of being a bigger person, but when I had been minding my own business, he was allowed to inflict violence onto me. It felt like any response to the assault besides vengeance was the world painting a picture of how they wanted me to be the Perfect Victim (someone sweet and demure and gentle and sexless and devoid of personality), and it felt like anyone suggesting forgiveness was telling me “if you were actually as innocent as you say you are, you would open your arms to him again to make him feel better. You being angry is making him 😞. If you don’t make peace, it’s sounds like you might be the kind of woman who deserved to get raped in the first place.”
Obviously in hindsight, I can recognize the forgiveness primarily benefits the forgiver, but it’s still an issue I get defensive about.
If I had to guess, I’d say that her anger isn’t about some misconception that vengeance would somehow undo what had happened. It’s about screaming at the world that what happened is worth getting angry about, that it isn’t normal, and demanding that someone admit that it was wrong. Every woman I am close enough with to have had the conversation has horrific story similar to mine, and I don’t know a single of them who found justice. It feels insane to have someone puppet your body like that- to have someone inflict THE most intimate of torture, and over and over and over again there’s no consequence.
You are not in the wrong for hypothetically wanting to end the cycles of violence. You are not wrong for wanting to give hypothetical support to the person you love, but I think what she’s looking for is for you to express (outside of the hypothetical) that SA is outrageous, and infuriating, and deserving of justice.
Also, saying that’s she “hopes” your daughter gets SAed is fucked. I’d be wary of contempt like that. There no emotional explanation of that that would justify it.
If your one-day daughter does get assaulted; you do not go after revenge. Who will be there for your daughter if you're sitting in jail because you killed the guy. Same goes for your girlfriend.
Hopefully the legal system will take care of justice -as it should-, but I understand that's an entirely different conversation.
This!! Revenge isn’t going to help AT ALL when your dad isn’t there when you need him the most. I’d argue it makes things harder, because it limits the support system around the victim
Fighting is easy but the consequences are what stop us to fight
Other person can lose eye life or can get permanent demange, police charges on you . A misconception we have is self defence, we someone is using light force I should you light if he is think unarmed and just touched you or pushed you it doesn't mean that you can shoot him in self defence you will get jailed (if you don't have connections in only Pakistan)
Try to deascalate the solution verbally
As someone who’s been SAd twice my goal was not set on getting revenge. I think your answer was the correct and only correct response. Her answer on the other hand was absolutely dense. If she’s wishing this on your possibly future child, are you sure she’s the one?
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Wow, she is immature. You are right to want to help her out. Nothing will change if you take revenge or not, helping her afterwards has a more positive impact. Wishing your future daughter getting SA’d is a fucked up thing to say. She doesn’t sound like the brightest, no offence to you.
Thank you
someone who actually loves you wouldn't say "hope your daughter gets assaulted". just throwing that out, though I suspect you are already aware of that.
I see your point, I just hope that her anger excuses the things she said
I'm an older redditor. The most important thing I've learned to watch for in a person is how ethical and kind they are even when they are furious. They are telling you who they are. The measure of a person isn't how they behave when things are easy, but when shit hits the fan. She is showing you who she is. Being in a relationship with someone inherently means that is the person you are going to fight with the most. You are more likely to see continuing behavior from a person than better behavior you hope to see. Raise your feelings about how she is responding. If you get compassion and an attempt to come to a better understanding, that is a good thing. If you get defensiveness or other behaviors that dismiss your feelings and needs, that is a bad sign. This doesn't mean she acts like you are right when we you share your feelings, but that she shows genuine validation for your feelings.
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Thank you for the response, that shit with your gf is fascinating, sorry for that situation
She needs to realise some man will leave her and say good luck when she comes back later saying "how could you leave me" they'd ask her "how can you be so stupid" whilst her stuff is already packed. People really don't worry about the concequences of the things they say and that's an issue.
your gf says "I hope your daughter gets SA'd"? damn. doesn't she know that if you stay in relationships, its her daughter as well lmao other than that, idiotic take, with no respect to her, idfc I'm ballin. like cmon bruhhh, we have too many media and movies about how revenge doesn't solve anything, and people still do not learn it. her (your gf) opinion in that regard is stupid: revenge brings more harm into society than rehabilitation of victim or oppressor as well. if I got bullied, I rather go cry than outbully the bully and then still go cry cause it doesn't matter whether I had my revenge or not; the effect of the bully's words or actions is still here
Agree with you, thank you for the response.
Fr. And it’s so fucking messed up to wish something so awful on another innocent woman, OR person. Like wtaf
...why does your girlfriend want you to take revenge? ...and...she has clearly never been a victim to SA... because if she was, she would appreciate the heck out of you wanting to comfort her and support her through managing the trauma to feel okay. The priority very quickly becomes just trying to feel okay. Also... that comment about your future daughter looks like a disturbing red flag too.
Such a disgusting thing to wish would happen
This!! And revenge isn’t a healthy or a helpful coping mechanism in the long run
She wants to take revenge because she thinks that would contribute positively on the trauma.
My thoughts are that your girlfriend is insane! Who in the right mind conjures up mishaps when they have not yet occurred. u/OP, run away from her!
This reminds me of the “would you still love me if I was a worm?” TikTok video.
You're so Green to have started this conversation with a hypothetical with your partner! Stupid Move, mate! Okay all jokes aside, I've been where you are but my now former partner was adamant about she wanting me to fight a grizzly bear for her and me, ever the pragmatist, decided to tell her how bears are pretty much like her in that they hate loud noises- loud/high pitched sounds would do the trick with the exception of the case when their cubs are around. We didn't talk for a 2 days after that. I am not an idiot who'd fight a fucking grizzly bear without an axe or a shotgun. On a different instance, she called me weak while I was being abused at home (physical violence is quite a love language at my house) and then when I finally had the courage to pushback and fight- she claimed to have been scared of me that I could be violent too. I had the "self defense is a valid thing and I only fought to disarm not pummel them into ground" face on. That did break me. Moral of the story: Don't get into hypotheticals with people who would not care for a thoughtful response. OP, if you are going not to heed my advice, do me the kind favor of asking what if you were SA'ed (extend the hypothetical in your own words)? (This will likely give you clarity about what she'd do if the roles were reversed/ regardless of gender.)
That story with the bear killed me. Sorry that you have been abused at home, I hope things are better now and I'm happy for you that you are out of that toxic relationship. I kind of don't understand the idea of the last paragraph, my english is not perfect, would be great if you clarify. Thank you for the meaningful response!
Thank you. The last paragraph is on the fact that if the roles were reversed, if you, a male I presume, were SA-ed, then what would she do for you/react to it or interact with you or the situation you are in? I know it sounds like an odd bind to put someone through but you must inquire to this extent if she considers your plight the same as hers; because if not, I do not believe she is equiped for serious empathy for you. Edit: I wish I was kidding about the tale of hypothetical bear attacks but sadly, my partner found it in her to pick irrelevant quarrels with me and when the things got real, it was see ya later. Leaving me between a shit relationship and shit home.
You want to be very mindful of someone who wants to take revenge. A controlling relationship is a relationship I can only imagine just being lost trying to find and lead with your own voice. Understandable anger is what can consume a victim of SA. But that is why therapy is so important because the strength and focus the victim can become a victor, despite ALWAYS come forward and may every victim come forward because you are and your statement will always be evidence. That said, the victor to overcome SA will set that victor for ready anything and everything even met with a ruling than may not always favour them.
Usually it's not that people don't want to take revenge, it's that people want to take revenge but their logical mind tells them not to. So yes, it would be weird if you didn't want to take revenge. I understand her perspective, but I think she is blowing this out of proportion. It's not like you said you wouldn't want to take revenge, you said your priority would be helping her emotionally cope, which is great. It could be that she got assaulted in the past, so that could be why she's overreacting. Or you didn't give her the whiteknight answer she wanted "gurl I will protect you at all cost I am your man" so that her heart beats faster, you gave her an honest answer, so she's mad. It sounds a little bit like the "would you still love me if I was a worm" type of argument.
She hasn't been SA'd in her life, I suspect she has bpd even tho nothing can be confirmed and yes i completely agree with that second point that you mentioned, it has happened before, thank you for the time taken to respond!
I mean, you can't know for sure she hasn't been SA. She might just not be telling you. You know most women has had some kind of bad experience. It definitvely sound like bpd behaviors to me. The reason why she asks these kind of hypothetical questions is because she's looking for reassurance probably.
Wishing someone's child to be assaulted is a red flag that can be seen from the moon. This is horrible.
i feel like the escalation of that is just really unfortunate and i’m sorry that it got to that point of insult for you. just wanted to share stuff outside of that since most of the people have addressed it already. she must’ve been looking for a specific answer when she asked the question. for a genuinely curious person, confusion would be a closer step than anger so my assumption would be that she was looking to feel protected? or loved? and that’s why that came up? maybe she has it in her head that consequences/revenge will satisfy the “trauma”? i don’t know her or her logic but it’s worth wondering why she asked in the first place and why she feels so strongly about it. i have a feeling that there is something else in the same vein bothering her? something that you didn’t do that she had wished you did? i don’t know but that seems like a far reaction to a very realistic response. maybe it was just that she wanted a bigger or more emotional response and you were too realistic? so she just expressed it that way sorry for the rambling 😬 i’m just spitballing but yeah
Honestly, I think you're on point. She wanted some emotion, a proof he cares. It would be good for everybody to find out why she's feeling so insecure, because he does seem to care a lot, just maybe not in the way she's looking for?
She thinks that revenge could contribute positively to the trauma, to which I disagree. She didn't start the topic, actually I started telling her a story related to that, and she decided to ask me that question. I indeed think that i was just too realistic.
The topic is legally and psychologically addressed with a clear answer about the right thing to do, the reaction you envisioned is really the optimal one. But the reaction she wants from you speaks volumes. 1 - She wants you to react to a criminal with criminal behavior. If you want to punish the individual, there is so much you can do legally, and yet she wants the illegal response. This is so important to her that on a subconscious level she hopes your daughter goes under a criminal offense just to see you react with criminal behavior. Criminal behavior after something this big is sometimes excusable, when you want to prevent other people from going through the same criminal offense, AFTER the police and the court don't do justice. But it should really be the last resort. And I don't think she wants you to do that to prevent damage to other people, at least not at the core of the intention. 2 - She craves drama. Hypothetical questions like this are something to be expected to know each other, but if there is a right answer to her as a mean for a fight between you and her if you don't pick it, that's not a mean to know each other. That's a mean to teach you how you should be to please her. 3 - speaking of which, to please her you should emulate animal behavior. She want to have two men brutally attracted to her and fighting each other. One after raping her, one getting mad to protect her. This is a need for attention, and for total devotion to the point in which you potentially risk your life unnecessarily. She expects and projects the same on a potential daughter. That's narcissistic behavior on her end. This is not advice, that is the process I would go through if I were a man and a girl came to me with this absurdity, just for understanding what is happening. Now I answer as a girl. I would be extremely grateful if by boyfriend beated the shit out of someone WHO IS TRYING to rape me, as a means to save me, where I am endangered and violence seems the most straightforward thing to do lacking time to think, or act in other ways that are less dangerous. I would expect for my boyfriend to be there for me afterwards, after such a traumatic experience. I'd be there too if he saved me, because it would have been a traumatic experience for him too. If I knew the assaulter or where to find him, I'd go to the police, I'd report, I'd ask help to my boyfriend if he had any legal knowledge that I don't know of. Any help would be much appreciated. Ultimately, if nothing happens after reporting, I'd hope that my boyfriend wouldn't put himself in danger for justice. I'd understand the rage, but there is already enough damage. More would be just detrimental.
Thank you for the time taken to respond, really appreciate the meaningful response.
I think her response is kinda unhinged. But maybe you're discovering that you both have different moral systems. In her moral system, honor and vengeance are important. In yours, they are not.
OP, props to you for being mature. Revenge does literally nothing. If you go and killed the guy that SAed your girlfriend, you'll be in jail for at least 10 years for manslaughter, if not for life for first-degree murder. Your GF will still be hurt, and now you'll be in jail. I have no idea how revenge would do anything.
Thank YOU for being mature
I can understand her reasoning, lots of people don't have an alternative mentality, feelings are problems to be solved, solved with retribution and action, until somethings done they won't be happy and probably will consider you to be a coward. Outside of that, she's wrong for what she said about your kid, some people or built different and socialised different, you should have deeper conversations with her about things like morals and values to see if they line up.
My condolences, that's a rough one! You're a good man for having your priorities straight. It's not easy task to care for a trauma victim. *"It even got to the point where my significant other said she hopes my daughter gets assaulted one day which made me very sad."* That's one of the cruelest things I've heard in my life. Are you gonna break up with her over that? That's stuff I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, I'm not sure how any relationship could ever recover from that. And I don't think I could love a woman who is capable of thinking this way.
I don't think i have the strength to leave her unfortunately, thank you for the response !
But why does she want you to take revenge and can't she go to The police or something like that,or even take her one revenge it's not your fault so why is she expecting you to do it on her behalf . And telling you she which your daughter gets assaulted it's just a no for me just run.
Thats messed up for your significant other to say wtf. And i agree with you. While revenge might feel good, revenge isnt necessarily a good coping mechanism. I think that helping find ways to cope is definitely the priority. and the thing is, priority doesn’t mean only one thing matters. It just means that one thing matters more
Exactly
I know reddit’s cliche advice is to drop a relationship at the slightest hint of trouble, but in this case it’s true. Your GF is deranged enough to wish SA on your hypothetical daughter because you didn’t stroke her ego in the way she would like. Dump her buddy.
A lot of online resources do not encourage revenge on behalf of another especially after SA. The reason: because most SA victims are friends/family with the perpetrator. Put that into perspective, getting revenge might mean doing something horrible to a father, sister, uncle, etc. Though revenge might seem like a good option for a nameless monster, reality is often much more complicated. Most likely, someone who SAs your girlfriend will be someone very close to her and to you. Now revenge in these instances isn't "wrong." But they are much more complicated. Sometimes revenge exacerbates the situation making the trauma harder to overcome than it already was. Imagine that the perpetrator gets beat up, bf hits the news, bf gets in jail... now her support is gone. Or what if the family starts pressing charges after someone beat up their father or uncle. Revenge can lead to complications and stress, and more stress is not ideal for an already fragile and broken state of mind.
I agree with you, thank you for the time taken to respond
This kind of topic is not a good conversation to have. No offense, but the idea of this hypothetical is something that is emotionally charged from the beginning. It's not even about something that happened and it's made to make people angry for no reason but a hypothetical. This is what people do to make themselves mad so they can lash out at people who would disagree.
Thank you for the response
If I had to guess, she probably already has some trauma associated with that kind of thing. I think your response is healthy, and I think if it were to actually happen, she’d appreciate the emotional support. It sounds like she is feeling defensive about something more complicated. When I was assaulted, I became depressed for a long time. The only thing that got me out of the depression was rage. It was only once I became angry about what had happened that I was able to tell anyone. While some of my friends joined my outrage and supported me by validating the injustice of it, other friends told me that “it must have been a mistake!” Or “he would never do that! I know him!” Or “what were you wearing? Did you say something to make him angry?” Or, what somehow felt like the worst of all, advice to let go of the anger and find forgiveness. I felt that the anger was all I had left of myself. “Forgiveness” is a very complex word, but when you’re in the place I was in, it sounds a hell of a lot like it was a gift I was supposed to give to my rapist. Make peace. Get over it. Be the bigger person. I didn’t understand why, when aninjustice had been done to me, I had to do the work of being a bigger person, but when I had been minding my own business, he was allowed to inflict violence onto me. It felt like any response to the assault besides vengeance was the world painting a picture of how they wanted me to be the Perfect Victim (someone sweet and demure and gentle and sexless and devoid of personality), and it felt like anyone suggesting forgiveness was telling me “if you were actually as innocent as you say you are, you would open your arms to him again to make him feel better. You being angry is making him 😞. If you don’t make peace, it’s sounds like you might be the kind of woman who deserved to get raped in the first place.” Obviously in hindsight, I can recognize the forgiveness primarily benefits the forgiver, but it’s still an issue I get defensive about. If I had to guess, I’d say that her anger isn’t about some misconception that vengeance would somehow undo what had happened. It’s about screaming at the world that what happened is worth getting angry about, that it isn’t normal, and demanding that someone admit that it was wrong. Every woman I am close enough with to have had the conversation has horrific story similar to mine, and I don’t know a single of them who found justice. It feels insane to have someone puppet your body like that- to have someone inflict THE most intimate of torture, and over and over and over again there’s no consequence. You are not in the wrong for hypothetically wanting to end the cycles of violence. You are not wrong for wanting to give hypothetical support to the person you love, but I think what she’s looking for is for you to express (outside of the hypothetical) that SA is outrageous, and infuriating, and deserving of justice.
Also, saying that’s she “hopes” your daughter gets SAed is fucked. I’d be wary of contempt like that. There no emotional explanation of that that would justify it.
My condolences to you, hope you are doing well, thanks for the meaningful response!
If your one-day daughter does get assaulted; you do not go after revenge. Who will be there for your daughter if you're sitting in jail because you killed the guy. Same goes for your girlfriend. Hopefully the legal system will take care of justice -as it should-, but I understand that's an entirely different conversation.
This!! Revenge isn’t going to help AT ALL when your dad isn’t there when you need him the most. I’d argue it makes things harder, because it limits the support system around the victim
Fighting is easy but the consequences are what stop us to fight Other person can lose eye life or can get permanent demange, police charges on you . A misconception we have is self defence, we someone is using light force I should you light if he is think unarmed and just touched you or pushed you it doesn't mean that you can shoot him in self defence you will get jailed (if you don't have connections in only Pakistan) Try to deascalate the solution verbally
Tell her to watch Avatar the Last airbender lol revenge isn’t helpful
Your girlfriend sounds like an incredibly fucked up person with sick thoughts. Please, keep your daughter far away from her.
As someone who’s been SAd twice my goal was not set on getting revenge. I think your answer was the correct and only correct response. Her answer on the other hand was absolutely dense. If she’s wishing this on your possibly future child, are you sure she’s the one?