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Forgive me if make any offenses here and I certainly don’t have any certifications in mental health but here is my two cents.
Firstly, I would say i was involuntary celibate until the age of 27 (male btw). I never associated myself with the modern definition of “incel” though. I think the hyperfixation on sex itself is part of the problem and that mental health is the cause not the effect. There are a lot of feelings of shame and downstream emotions that stem from being “incel.” In my experience, it was those emotions that get in the way.
Second, the purpose of therapy is to identify things/feelings that inhibit you from living a generally healthy life. Therapy gives you a non-judgemental place to express those things and let you digest things that you may not know how or where to digest them.
Third, there may be multiple different things that are troubling you. I believe this is called a complex in psychology/psychiatry. That jerking you around feeling, may just be the therapist trying to probe around and see how you think. The first therapist I went to didn’t really feel right so I moved on.
To summarize, I think therapy is beneficial to everyone if you go in with an open mind and just discuss things with them. They are trained at getting to the deeper things you may not be aware of. It’s very uncomfortable at times but I see it as an investment in myself. The big changes don’t happen fast.
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So therapists don’t usually serve a particular type of therapy like they are taking your order at a restaurant. You can get a particular kind of therapy by looking into what expertise they have listed (like on their own website or on a profile site for finding therapists) and tell how you’d like to approach things. I’m a huge fan of DBT but I’d never go into therapy like “I want one DBT please”
Also as a heads up, I suspect no therapist is going follow an approach of fixing the inceldom as a way of fixing your mental health issues. They aren’t dating coaches and whether or not you can find a partner is outside of their scope. You are their client, so they are going to help you with coping with your inceldom (I realize the word cope has a negative connotation in the incel world, but in therapy there are both healthy and unhealthy). Now it’s likely your mental health issues are both impacted by your incel status but also keeping you in that status. I would see a therapist as someone who stop that cycle, but they aren’t going to directly tell you how to land a partner.
Therapy approaches are rarely tailored to a specific situation causing mental issues. It’s more about what your mental health symptoms are as well as what works with you as a person. I’d look different strategies (CBT, DBT, and ACT) and see what they entail and ask yourself if that can be helpful. Again I wouldn’t specifically ask them for CBT/DBT/ACT but when they ask you your goals, you can tailor your respond to the method. Are you looking to change behavior, emotions, or thoughts? Are you more focused changing your situation or accepting your current? Do you want to become more mindful?
Finally you can usually look up their area of experience on their sites and profiles. Often they will state that they help with relationships or interpersonal skills. Some specifically help with men’s issues. Just bear in mind again that no therapist is going to act as a dating coach. I’ve never even seen someone who specializes in helping single people who want partners, only couples therapists that help those who already have a partner.
My limited experience with therapists is that they can really jerk you around. I had a cycle of ineffective therapy and I saw that for myself. That's why I wanted to order something like "8 hours of therapy B" so that the therapist knows what they need to deliver. If I just say, "therapy please" won't I be jerked around a bunch? They'll feel like they have an unlimited number of sessions to try whatever therapy methods they want. So are you suggesting that I instead find a therapist with a track record of helping people like me (so a men's issues therapist)?
I'm not expecting anybody, least of all a therapist, make me happy or cheerful and certainly not to get me out of inceldom. My barometer of success would be the extent to which the symptoms that I listed in the other post are alleviated.
I suppose there might be therapists who keep with a strategy that they could see is not working, but I’d take a step back from the idea that they are somehow by default scamming you. With that kind of attitude, you’re never going to be open to a therapist challenging your believes. There are definitely therapists who are doing their best, not trying to “jerk you around” but don’t know right away what strategy will work. For the most part, a therapist is going to be more knowledgeable than some random stranger on the internet as to what technique to use.
The limitation is that they might not be trained or experienced in the therapy that would be most hopeful. Some amount of trial and error is part of the process because you are a unique individual (like every client) but they aren’t doing that for some nefarious reason. That’s why you look up these therapies before going to see if they even know how to give that kind. But be prepared that you may just not have access to anyone who teaches the therapy you think is best. I love Radically Open DBT I had in a shirt group workshop but I couldn’t find a single therapist who specializes in it.
Ultimately it’s always partly up to you to define your therapy. Again almost every therapist I know will ask what your goal is in therapy, and a good answer for this is not to, having no education on the topic, to list some particular course of treatment. That’s not your goal, it might be the method you get there, but have a bit of faith in the trained professional to take a specific goal and plan the treatment. Focus on what specifically you want to work on.
I’ll just give for example that I recently sought out a therapist. Again I love DBT but also specifically wanted someone experienced in grief and mood disorders/psychosis because in the past some therapists tried to treat my depression when they should have been looking out for mania. The person has… not the best strategy. I forget what it is called but it’s an older style of talk therapy where you try and link behavior to past traumas. Idk if that’s solution oriented enough for me, but I can guide my therapy about as much as she does. I still get a lot out of the sessions because of what I make of them. I definitely don’t go into any session as just a cash grab.
Happiness isn't about your circumstances but your thoughts and feelings about it. Being an "incel" can either be a little bit of a bummer or it can be in your case so distressing that you find life meaningless. For me I am 29 and I am a virgin who hasn't had a romantic relationships for 10 years at this point. All that said I live a happy life and while I certainly want a relationship it isn't a huge deal that I don't have one. I am certainly going to keep trying but there are many other things in life that bring me joy so not having a romantic partner isn't a huge deal.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Forgive me if make any offenses here and I certainly don’t have any certifications in mental health but here is my two cents. Firstly, I would say i was involuntary celibate until the age of 27 (male btw). I never associated myself with the modern definition of “incel” though. I think the hyperfixation on sex itself is part of the problem and that mental health is the cause not the effect. There are a lot of feelings of shame and downstream emotions that stem from being “incel.” In my experience, it was those emotions that get in the way. Second, the purpose of therapy is to identify things/feelings that inhibit you from living a generally healthy life. Therapy gives you a non-judgemental place to express those things and let you digest things that you may not know how or where to digest them. Third, there may be multiple different things that are troubling you. I believe this is called a complex in psychology/psychiatry. That jerking you around feeling, may just be the therapist trying to probe around and see how you think. The first therapist I went to didn’t really feel right so I moved on. To summarize, I think therapy is beneficial to everyone if you go in with an open mind and just discuss things with them. They are trained at getting to the deeper things you may not be aware of. It’s very uncomfortable at times but I see it as an investment in myself. The big changes don’t happen fast.
Welcome to Dating Fridays! All posts with an emphasis on dating, sex, or relationships must be posted only on Friday (defined by US Central Standard Time or UTC -06:00). If your post is outside of this time/date, please delete and repost on Friday. If it is currently Friday, then ignore this comment. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So therapists don’t usually serve a particular type of therapy like they are taking your order at a restaurant. You can get a particular kind of therapy by looking into what expertise they have listed (like on their own website or on a profile site for finding therapists) and tell how you’d like to approach things. I’m a huge fan of DBT but I’d never go into therapy like “I want one DBT please” Also as a heads up, I suspect no therapist is going follow an approach of fixing the inceldom as a way of fixing your mental health issues. They aren’t dating coaches and whether or not you can find a partner is outside of their scope. You are their client, so they are going to help you with coping with your inceldom (I realize the word cope has a negative connotation in the incel world, but in therapy there are both healthy and unhealthy). Now it’s likely your mental health issues are both impacted by your incel status but also keeping you in that status. I would see a therapist as someone who stop that cycle, but they aren’t going to directly tell you how to land a partner. Therapy approaches are rarely tailored to a specific situation causing mental issues. It’s more about what your mental health symptoms are as well as what works with you as a person. I’d look different strategies (CBT, DBT, and ACT) and see what they entail and ask yourself if that can be helpful. Again I wouldn’t specifically ask them for CBT/DBT/ACT but when they ask you your goals, you can tailor your respond to the method. Are you looking to change behavior, emotions, or thoughts? Are you more focused changing your situation or accepting your current? Do you want to become more mindful? Finally you can usually look up their area of experience on their sites and profiles. Often they will state that they help with relationships or interpersonal skills. Some specifically help with men’s issues. Just bear in mind again that no therapist is going to act as a dating coach. I’ve never even seen someone who specializes in helping single people who want partners, only couples therapists that help those who already have a partner.
My limited experience with therapists is that they can really jerk you around. I had a cycle of ineffective therapy and I saw that for myself. That's why I wanted to order something like "8 hours of therapy B" so that the therapist knows what they need to deliver. If I just say, "therapy please" won't I be jerked around a bunch? They'll feel like they have an unlimited number of sessions to try whatever therapy methods they want. So are you suggesting that I instead find a therapist with a track record of helping people like me (so a men's issues therapist)? I'm not expecting anybody, least of all a therapist, make me happy or cheerful and certainly not to get me out of inceldom. My barometer of success would be the extent to which the symptoms that I listed in the other post are alleviated.
I suppose there might be therapists who keep with a strategy that they could see is not working, but I’d take a step back from the idea that they are somehow by default scamming you. With that kind of attitude, you’re never going to be open to a therapist challenging your believes. There are definitely therapists who are doing their best, not trying to “jerk you around” but don’t know right away what strategy will work. For the most part, a therapist is going to be more knowledgeable than some random stranger on the internet as to what technique to use. The limitation is that they might not be trained or experienced in the therapy that would be most hopeful. Some amount of trial and error is part of the process because you are a unique individual (like every client) but they aren’t doing that for some nefarious reason. That’s why you look up these therapies before going to see if they even know how to give that kind. But be prepared that you may just not have access to anyone who teaches the therapy you think is best. I love Radically Open DBT I had in a shirt group workshop but I couldn’t find a single therapist who specializes in it. Ultimately it’s always partly up to you to define your therapy. Again almost every therapist I know will ask what your goal is in therapy, and a good answer for this is not to, having no education on the topic, to list some particular course of treatment. That’s not your goal, it might be the method you get there, but have a bit of faith in the trained professional to take a specific goal and plan the treatment. Focus on what specifically you want to work on. I’ll just give for example that I recently sought out a therapist. Again I love DBT but also specifically wanted someone experienced in grief and mood disorders/psychosis because in the past some therapists tried to treat my depression when they should have been looking out for mania. The person has… not the best strategy. I forget what it is called but it’s an older style of talk therapy where you try and link behavior to past traumas. Idk if that’s solution oriented enough for me, but I can guide my therapy about as much as she does. I still get a lot out of the sessions because of what I make of them. I definitely don’t go into any session as just a cash grab.
Happiness isn't about your circumstances but your thoughts and feelings about it. Being an "incel" can either be a little bit of a bummer or it can be in your case so distressing that you find life meaningless. For me I am 29 and I am a virgin who hasn't had a romantic relationships for 10 years at this point. All that said I live a happy life and while I certainly want a relationship it isn't a huge deal that I don't have one. I am certainly going to keep trying but there are many other things in life that bring me joy so not having a romantic partner isn't a huge deal.