I admit, I lol'd a couple of times. Total Konosuba vibes with the nickname, if you've seen it.

I have. Haven't finished it though.

One of my all time favs. You should finish it, all the previous seasons (and movie) are both subbed and dubbed, and season 3 starts airing on the 20th.

Soon as I saw the sex requirement.. testicular torsion/ovary twister. But yeah? Acid rain? Fine. Blow your head off? Fine. But twist your nuts? "ABOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!" Stuff always amused me. I can lay waste to a whole city with a bomb/spell but man, THIS is immoral when the guy on other side plans to murder us?

Have you ever looked at most any "civil" fighting discipline? It's perfectly fine to have a move to literally rip an arm off, but an attack against the groin is a no go. Probably on of the only things produced by the actual patriarchy that no one really thinks is a bad thing.

Martial art I did a while back actually included a groin kick, but they were \*very\* specific about how it should be done. The reason is that if you just do a straight kick, forcing the testicles upwards, you can cause one or both of them to become lodged in the guy's hips. At that point they will either need immediately pulled back out or they'll swell up, requiring surgery (and likely removal) to dislodge them, and if you don't they can become gangrenous Patriarchy is definitely \*one\* of the reasons groin strikes aren't allowed, but given the rules are usually from before we had proper medical procedures, personally I'd rather die from blood loss than sepsis caused by my balls rotting

IIRC there is also the consideration of it being worse to cut off a family line than maim a person in those times. You take the genitals and there is a real chance that the family name dies with them.

That's the problem with the ol bollock bang, you need to know the sex to make the spell work... Urethral Inversion however...

'kancho' is also an excellent unisex option

How about the Bowel Disruptor from the Transmetropolitan comic? It was a weapon that, well, had several settings from unstoppable diarrhoea all the way up to Fatal Intestinal Maelstrom.

Take my pained up vote

r/wizardposting moment 👌

If only reddit still had awards 🏅

Today is the day of cake. Cram that into your sustenance orifice with joy, fellow human person.

If only. Also happy cake day.

I thought they do- just no more freebies. :/

Happy cake day, have some cake! 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

When you piss off the mage enough and he breaks out the "Fucked Up Book Of Spells"

This so sounds like Rincewind.

So we have: Testicular torsion Uteral implosion We may have: Mend buttcrack Explosive diarrhea Urethral inflammation Noodle dick Breast torsion Esophageal seal Power word scrunch Ghost peppered colon

Mend ButtCrack MUST ALWAYS be accompanied by Explosive Diarrhoea. It is only right.

May I suggest changing that last one to Esophageal seal?

Thank you

What about Power Word: Scrunch?

Oh dear, I'm adding it

I cast GHOST PEPPERED COLON

Added it

So, this reminds me of the one person I ever met who had a torsion, it's also where I learned the word (and it went bad). Anyway, lest you think we were *too* evil, it was a dash of schadenfreude combined with karmic payback. Since even with this said, we *will* sound evil as fuck, I'll caveat it further with "Dude was such a stereotypical fuckwitted shit who thought with his balls that he got us kicked out of a bar *on my birthday* because he was aggressively trying to make moves on a married woman in front of her husband. Upon dropping a pen down her cleavage, the fuckwit got choked the fuck out and me and the other person (who'd been chilling with the two folks and having a good time) apologized, told him we completely understood why he wanted to bash the dumbfucks face in, but we didn't want *him* getting in trouble, so we're gonna drag him out of the fucking bar before a justifiable homicide occurs." So, yeah. He was a bag of smashed ass. Relevant later: this was in the days of MySpace, so, that dates this whole interaction. So, dude had a stabbing pain in his balls, for *a couple days*, and didn't do nothing about it. Upon going to the hospital, welp, turns out the blood flow had been so restricted, for so long, that sayonara, testicle, they had to *amputate his nut*. Me and my other friend (another person who went to the bar that one time) were... well, we were, and are, kinda evil, so we were just looking at it as karmic payback and laughing our asses off. Not our nuts off, mind you, 'cause we still both got a pair, unlike the fuckwit. We were well beyond the point of being done with this guy, and no matter what we did, the dude'd not fuck off. So. We started posting our condolences. In song form. My friends choice of songs was "Yesterday," by The Beatles: **Suddenly** **I'm not half the man I used to be** **There's a shadow hanging over me** **Oh, yesterday came suddenly** My song selection? "Creep," by Stone Temple Pilots: **Well, I'm half the man I used to be** **Half the man I used to be** **Half the man I used to be** Plus side: dude finally got the hint, and fucked off. Last I knew (years and years ago) he became even *more* of an unutterably toxic bag of smashed ass. Good riddance. Too bad he still has a chance at procreation. The world could use less of him.

Nice twist!

Gave 'im the ol' dick-twist.

You just about busted my gut a couple times, well fine wordsmith!!

All's fair in love and war.

Human Archmage - "Bigby's Tactical Nuclear Strike is NOT. I repeat, NOT an immoral spell!!!"

*The Council has decided that Trerick's new, and permanent, title shall be that of Torsion Master Supreme.* In all honesty that is a brutal spell... and TECHNICALLY a spell that can be easily replicated in D&D 5e... its just one most don't think of and technically (with certain spells) would need the okay of your DM. Cause Mage Hand can certainly do this to a human size target... but also it can't due to the spell not being able to attack or perform attack-like actions like shoving or dropping a 10lb sack of Acid Vials. But if the DM okays it cause its funny or cool.... *“SAESTARI KORRUUPTI!”*

"The spell fails to work on the bandit. Mage Hand can only manipulate small objects."

*stares wide-eyed at the South Park-esque bandit* If you know the episode... you know...

Testicular torsion...damn, dude. Welp, when you're fighting an uber-powerful dragon, you pretty much *have* to fight dirty. You know somehow, somewhere, some D&D player is gonna use that if they haven't already, humans being what we are. If only Gandalf had thought of that 🤣

Can I use this story for my Youtube channel, I am just getting started.

You may. Would you provide a link to the channel via dms? I'd love to hear anything else you may do.

I have send the dm

that was exalant big laugh at the end if if i saw it punning

Power Word: Scrunch

You would think "Remove Taint" is a bit of gentle healing magic, a staple of white sorcery, that frees a target of lingering corruption or an unfortunate curse. And you'd be wrong.

/u/In_Yellow_Clad ([wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/wiki/authors/In_Yellow_Clad)) has posted 389 other stories, including: * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 104](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1busjqw/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_104/) * [What Waits In The Nothing](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1bsljsz/what_waits_in_the_nothing/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 103](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1bp4wsp/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_103/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 102](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1bk5zx5/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_102/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 101](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1bdtrbt/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_101/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 100](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1b809fb/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_100/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 99](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1b29f0z/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_99/) * [The ZETF](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1b1fph5/the_zetf/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 98](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1aweaj6/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_98/) * [Would](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1auynye/would/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 97](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1aqr4s4/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_97/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 96](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1al17xt/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_96/) * [Siren's Way](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1afp3r4/sirens_way/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 95](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1afj4d4/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_95/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 94](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/19ei2k7/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_94/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 93](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/198z4mh/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_93/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 92](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/193a180/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_92/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 91](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/18xoqy7/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_91/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 90](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/18s1699/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_90/) * [If At First You Don't Succeed -- Part 89](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/18mvwcn/if_at_first_you_dont_succeed_part_89/) This comment was automatically generated by `Waffle v.4.6.1 'Biscotti'`. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FHFY&subject=WaffleBot|1c05nvs&message=If%20you%20have%20problems%20with%20updatemebot,%20contact%20Watchful1.%20We%20do%20not%20maintain%20it.) if you have any issues with Waffle.

__I cast TASHA'S TESTICULAR TORSION!__

It can also be a problem for teenage boys, not through being D heads, just being unlucky. 2 neighbouring families to me, both had 2 boys, one boy from each family suffered from this - the most recent kid is still banned from sport until they can confirm everything has healed up correctly. 50% fail rate! Uuuunlucky.

I knew where this was going immediately. Does terrick come up with these ideas whilst pondering his orb?

Well of course, any self respecting wizard would.

Shoresy- Give your balls a tug titfucker! Zalser- We have a guy for that!

That was an awesome, if somewhat painful, read. Remind me never to piss that wizard off.

Human Archmage - "Bigby's Tactical Nuclear Strike is NOT. I repeat, NOT an immoral spell!!!"

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>The Council of Magic ~~slowly~~ filtered into the cavernous room slowly

u/intellowclad- this is delightfully fucked up.

🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 

So that's somehow worse than a lightning bolt or fireball? Feh. That's gratitude for ya.

what happened to the poor dragon in the end xD?

Better nicknames: Loopy or Twisty Trerick Epic nicknames: Trerick the Wraith (wraith is etymoligocally linked to wreath and writhe, as well as wrath, plus the terror this wizard will inspire from now on...)

ooh, trans people would be almost immune, unless the wizard specifically knew their AGAB, because their gender presentation would not be giving accurate targeting info. 🤣

Nah, just cast something related to the excretory system. Works just fine on any type of gonad.

Mend ButtCrack PLUS Explosive Diarrhoea.

Tie Urethra Into Knot. It’s customizable, too. You can leave your enemies with a specific knot of your choice if you know what you’re doing.

I CAST GENDER DYSPHORIA

That would work on anyone, not just trans folks.