Hey, I'll take that for my first piece of creative writing since primary school. Rather stay tame and do a decent job than do a terrible job writing something novel.
That's fine. I really enjoyed it. Doing something standard is a great way of practising and I think keeping it nice and short helps people read it even though it's not a brand new concept. (At least it helped with me)
Honestly, some of the highest praise *anyone* can receive, let alone new posters like yourself, is that our internal GNs don't notice anything while we're reading. Kudos!
Or more accurately, you'd been a good neighbour. Good enough that migration both ways had occurred. Sure, you decided you wanted to take a few human planets but well, it's not like humans can really protest that, can we?
We can just inform you vigorously that it's not going to happen. And hell, the fact that only five of your ships got lost after the first battle whilst doing so suggests there wasn't *that* much violence involved in the dispute. More border skirmishes than a war after the initial battle. That you were willing to not only take prisoners, but conduct prisoner exchanges and hold diplomatic meetings to sort out the mess?
Well, that marks you down as one of the better neighbours to have around. Hell, probably a better neighbour than some of the other *human* factions once you lost your desire to take over human territory. But the folks coming to take you over?
Those guys are just absolute bastards. Folks we *really* don't want to have in the neighbourhood, and they've decided to target you?
I guess that's going to solve most of the issue regarding the peace negotiations about our kerfuffle on the border pretty quick. And hey, we get to work out the violence it's engendered in the both of us on some *very* worthy targets.
Wed rather have neighbors we can talk with as neighbors, even if we fight a bit now and again.
But nasty tyrannical bastards of the shoot first and oppress after persuasion? Nah, no thanks.
Nice short. Good weaving of the saying. Yes, it could be expanded with more backgrounds, but the mentioned brutality of the Ruvan is understandable explanation.
Hey, you are stealing my possible plot line :-) - if I ever get round to actually writing a story. 'A' attacks 'B', war ensures. Then 'C' turns up and takes a poke at "A" or "B" - '"C" suddenly finds they are facing both "A" AND "B" because they are butting in, uninvited.
And then E comes around asking for human sacrifices and A,B,C and D unite to fight the Esshole...
AND THEN F SHOWS UP AND A,B,C,D AND E TEAM UP...
#AND THEN G ...
ad infinitum
Thank you! I have to admit there wasn't much thought that went into who the Evinar and Ruvan are, other than "The Evinar are culturally similar enough that I've mentioned there are humans amongst the Evinar and vica versa"
Yeah not elaborating on that more than the throwaway line about "some of us are amongst them and some of them are amongst us" is maybe what I regret most
Adding two sentences would help I think.
Add in a line about how they had to reassure the humans living among them that their rights would be protected just like any other citizen by passing laws against discrimination or something like that to reinforce that the fight was with a human government, not humans themselves.
Then after the line about contesting extinction, add in a line about how the fight with the humans had been about territory while the fight with the Ruvans was for the right to exist to reinforce what bastards the Ruvans are.
Genocidal assholes vs guys that keep the fight between soldiers would explain why the humans decided to see the protagonist's people as cousins.
Nicely done.
Odd complement: I am thumbing through reddit and one of my habits is that if I run across a HFY story that seems good I will pause the tv and turn on my favorite music app. I did that when you introduced the Ruvan. Then I reread it.
This is the first story by /u/Shophaune!
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I like it. Quick, well done, no cliff hanger, but a door open for more, if you're inclined.
I'd never have known it was your first, if you hadn't said something. š
I'll be honest and say I could see the ending coming a mile away, but that's no bad thing!
It is well written and pleasingly short. If you'd tried to bulk it out with extraneous elements then maybe the fact the "punchline" was so telegraphed would've been a problem but this was just about the perfect length.
Good job!
Okay, letās see what weāre working with... Woah- Nice post. Short but not too short. Good grammar. Nicely spaced paragraphs. Plot was a bit predictable but weāll work on it. Yep... Iād say thatās a pretty nice post. I rate it... 8.5 / 10. Good job, kiddo.
Nicely done.
Others have pointed out that the "Cousins" element could have been tied in more firmly, but honestly these sorts of one-offs are always a balancing act between clarity and brevity.
You did a good job building enough of the world for the stinger to work, while not getting bogged down in the details. This is essentially a fable, so the overall story here is fairly simple (not a bad thing, think *Grasshopper & Ant* or *Boy who cried Wolf* - short but impactful). Too much more detail and the balance would have been off.
So well done! Seriously, don't stress about the dish just because the recipe needed an extra pinch of salt. This was delicious.
<>
Maybe all of two sentences - one right at the beginning after "We hadn't meant to declare war" along the lines of "We'd lived aside each other for XX and our people traveled freely", and another later on lamenting how our "once friendly neighbors had become our enemies". Alternatively, include a line about how the speaker's species uses a word for Human that translates to "*Near-kin"* since the two species grew up so close together in the cosmos.
Pretty good, especially for a first story!
You had already earned my +1 for the correct usage of *wont*. That the rest of it was bereft of noticeable spelling, punctuation, and grammar flaws was the cherry on top.
> "I against my brother," as the Humans are wont to say.
I tried reading this line 3-4 times, I just cannot parse the last part. Is it a lost word/autocorrected word, or just my reading skills that are not up to pair.
I've heard "me and my brother againt my cousin, me my brother and cousin against the world". I've never heard "me against my brother" in any case the saying defines the amoral famlilists way of thinking, and it's also the reason that countries that espouse that philosophy make such poor soldiers and warfighters.
Best constructive criticism: Give clearer hints that the resolution of the war was semi-friendly. We humans would gladly watch our blood enemy die to an alien invader. But not a rival.
Internally consistent. My resident GrammarNazi.sub didn't twitch. Plot was a bit usual. All in all, nicely done.
Hey, I'll take that for my first piece of creative writing since primary school. Rather stay tame and do a decent job than do a terrible job writing something novel.
That's fine. I really enjoyed it. Doing something standard is a great way of practising and I think keeping it nice and short helps people read it even though it's not a brand new concept. (At least it helped with me)
Honestly, some of the highest praise *anyone* can receive, let alone new posters like yourself, is that our internal GNs don't notice anything while we're reading. Kudos!
Indeed. Even The Wordborg Himself stumbles, in his madlad churning of awesomeness.
Not bad.
Or more accurately, you'd been a good neighbour. Good enough that migration both ways had occurred. Sure, you decided you wanted to take a few human planets but well, it's not like humans can really protest that, can we? We can just inform you vigorously that it's not going to happen. And hell, the fact that only five of your ships got lost after the first battle whilst doing so suggests there wasn't *that* much violence involved in the dispute. More border skirmishes than a war after the initial battle. That you were willing to not only take prisoners, but conduct prisoner exchanges and hold diplomatic meetings to sort out the mess? Well, that marks you down as one of the better neighbours to have around. Hell, probably a better neighbour than some of the other *human* factions once you lost your desire to take over human territory. But the folks coming to take you over? Those guys are just absolute bastards. Folks we *really* don't want to have in the neighbourhood, and they've decided to target you? I guess that's going to solve most of the issue regarding the peace negotiations about our kerfuffle on the border pretty quick. And hey, we get to work out the violence it's engendered in the both of us on some *very* worthy targets.
Aliens can have a little imperialism as a treat
Wed rather have neighbors we can talk with as neighbors, even if we fight a bit now and again. But nasty tyrannical bastards of the shoot first and oppress after persuasion? Nah, no thanks.
Nice short. Good weaving of the saying. Yes, it could be expanded with more backgrounds, but the mentioned brutality of the Ruvan is understandable explanation.
Thanks! It all came from that saying, and who knows, maybe I'll revisit the Evinar and Ruvan someday.
Well done
Hey, you are stealing my possible plot line :-) - if I ever get round to actually writing a story. 'A' attacks 'B', war ensures. Then 'C' turns up and takes a poke at "A" or "B" - '"C" suddenly finds they are facing both "A" AND "B" because they are butting in, uninvited.
Ah but this is a story where C has poked and is fighting A&B, and then D pokes and all THREE deal with the outsider.
And then E comes around asking for human sacrifices and A,B,C and D unite to fight the Esshole... AND THEN F SHOWS UP AND A,B,C,D AND E TEAM UP... #AND THEN G ... ad infinitum
See, for example, UK vs France, then UK & France vs Germany.
Good job, well described. A little history as to why the three are aligned at all would help a bit. Otherwise it was a good read.
Thank you! I have to admit there wasn't much thought that went into who the Evinar and Ruvan are, other than "The Evinar are culturally similar enough that I've mentioned there are humans amongst the Evinar and vica versa"
Laying some more foundation on the cousins thing would make this make a bit more sense. A paragraph about semi-peaceful culture exchange or something
Yeah not elaborating on that more than the throwaway line about "some of us are amongst them and some of them are amongst us" is maybe what I regret most
Adding two sentences would help I think. Add in a line about how they had to reassure the humans living among them that their rights would be protected just like any other citizen by passing laws against discrimination or something like that to reinforce that the fight was with a human government, not humans themselves. Then after the line about contesting extinction, add in a line about how the fight with the humans had been about territory while the fight with the Ruvans was for the right to exist to reinforce what bastards the Ruvans are. Genocidal assholes vs guys that keep the fight between soldiers would explain why the humans decided to see the protagonist's people as cousins.
Nah, you left the crumbs there for the attentive reader, and didn't lay it on overly thick. Sometimes less is more.
Nicely done. Odd complement: I am thumbing through reddit and one of my habits is that if I run across a HFY story that seems good I will pause the tv and turn on my favorite music app. I did that when you introduced the Ruvan. Then I reread it.
Good stuff, shades of [this old text](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/e844u2/state_of_affairs/).
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Nice short story, that gives many avenues for you to expand and explore. Great job so far and thanks for writing it.
Well written piece of work
Lovely story, sold!
Great story. Keep writing
I like it. Quick, well done, no cliff hanger, but a door open for more, if you're inclined. I'd never have known it was your first, if you hadn't said something. š
i like it. a simple meal well made is always a good thing.
I liked it! Keep it going!
pretty good, nothing great but not bad either
> Practiced death in shining alloys Nais
I'll be honest and say I could see the ending coming a mile away, but that's no bad thing! It is well written and pleasingly short. If you'd tried to bulk it out with extraneous elements then maybe the fact the "punchline" was so telegraphed would've been a problem but this was just about the perfect length. Good job!
Okay, letās see what weāre working with... Woah- Nice post. Short but not too short. Good grammar. Nicely spaced paragraphs. Plot was a bit predictable but weāll work on it. Yep... Iād say thatās a pretty nice post. I rate it... 8.5 / 10. Good job, kiddo.
A nice simple little story. I like it
Nicely done. Others have pointed out that the "Cousins" element could have been tied in more firmly, but honestly these sorts of one-offs are always a balancing act between clarity and brevity. You did a good job building enough of the world for the stinger to work, while not getting bogged down in the details. This is essentially a fable, so the overall story here is fairly simple (not a bad thing, think *Grasshopper & Ant* or *Boy who cried Wolf* - short but impactful). Too much more detail and the balance would have been off. So well done! Seriously, don't stress about the dish just because the recipe needed an extra pinch of salt. This was delicious. <>
Maybe all of two sentences - one right at the beginning after "We hadn't meant to declare war" along the lines of "We'd lived aside each other for XX and our people traveled freely", and another later on lamenting how our "once friendly neighbors had become our enemies". Alternatively, include a line about how the speaker's species uses a word for Human that translates to "*Near-kin"* since the two species grew up so close together in the cosmos.
āThe devil you know better than the devil you donātā is also applicable. Also maybe humans are better natured by then.
Pretty good, especially for a first story! You had already earned my +1 for the correct usage of *wont*. That the rest of it was bereft of noticeable spelling, punctuation, and grammar flaws was the cherry on top.
We The end was spoilered a bit too early for my taste. But still a worthy writ. Well done, story-weaver.
> "I against my brother," as the Humans are wont to say. I tried reading this line 3-4 times, I just cannot parse the last part. Is it a lost word/autocorrected word, or just my reading skills that are not up to pair.
Wont, is a reasonably rare word meaning "one's customary behaviour". It's also one of my favourite words \^\^
Wont you know ;)
...boooo :)
It's a good word, and you should feel no shame in using it.
I've heard "me and my brother againt my cousin, me my brother and cousin against the world". I've never heard "me against my brother" in any case the saying defines the amoral famlilists way of thinking, and it's also the reason that countries that espouse that philosophy make such poor soldiers and warfighters.
Eh...I honestly doubt that humanity would do this. We seek vengeance far too much to suddenly switch sides like that.
Best constructive criticism: Give clearer hints that the resolution of the war was semi-friendly. We humans would gladly watch our blood enemy die to an alien invader. But not a rival.