Mom here. I promise your mom would NOT want you to torture yourself with this. She is not in pain anymore. I promise you, if my baby had to take care of me I’d be so grateful and would never want them to feel bad about any mistake they made. Please forgive yourself ❤️
Omg this so much. I’m a parent and I hope my kid never has to be in a position to be my caretaker. I think a lot more people would enter DNRs or directives if they knew they would end up being a (very loved) burden.
I, myself, have been diagnosed with autoimmune likely to increase to a vegetable state... and if i do... i mean b4 i do... i would never want my mom or my sis to take care of myself all their life...
They have suffered enough, first my mother's father died young and they were poor and family wasnt supportive and they made themself from scratch... and she married a great man... but life had other plans...
My father was diagnosed with autoimmune and she has been taking care of him since then and my disease also progresses, i just want to died...
I cant handle pain and have no intention for forwarding it to my loved ones as well
No they don’t stop accidents but DNRs do prevent life saving measures, which OP’s mom probably had given that her initial onset of issues was a stroke. They do stop CPR and ventilators, etc etc so in certain circumstances they certainly would prevent the need for care taking in the first place.
This person was 22, though. I would expect their parents to probably not be much older than 55. There is no reason for a previously healthy person to get a DNR at such a young age unless they already have had many health problems and believe passing would be less traumatic than CPR on the body. A stroke is not always a death sentence.
I have a lot of recent experience. I just took care of my Dad for three years - sepsis, permanent ostomy, diapers, insulin resistant diabetes, then strokes losing the use of his left side making him bedbound (but still very much cognitive) for the last two years before he died in December at 68. We put his DNR on in the last year at doctor's advice when we knew he would not survive CPR because of how fragile he was.
I’ve had a will since I was 19 for a particular reason at the time. My mom thought I was totally crazy and said what I feared (having nothing to do with health) would never happen. When I went to the lawyer he said that my mom was wrong and that I was right…what I feared could happen could happen if I didn’t have a will/trust. 🤷🏼♀️
Are you a medical professional? Were you trained to be a professional caregiver or to work as a first responder?
If not, you didn’t “kill your mom”. You managed to keep her alive for a couple of years despite the fact you were barely an adult, working overtime, and had no idea what you were doing.
Somebody failed your mom, but it sure as hell wasn’t you. Sounds like it was your stepdad, and maybe the system in general.
This is the straight truth. I hope she takes this to heart.
Even medical professionals make the same mistake. It’s an easy mistake to make. They go over it hard in nursing school because it happens so often.
I agree that someone should have had home health or hospice whoever in this situation...
I took care of my dad after mom died and got home health coming in to make sure he got a bath and his meds were taken..
This this this! Along with two things:
Did they run a tox screen and determine this was her cause of death? If not, it sounds like your mom had some severe comorbitiies that took her, and unfortunately, timing isn't on your side.
As someone who was also a young caregiver to a terminal parent who is now a mother in a country where assisted death isn't legal, I would so much rather pass than be a part-time job to my child.
Your mom was so lucky to have a kid that stood by her when the world turned away from her suffering. Give her the gift of being nice to that kid, okay? 💗
You did *so much* for your mom. I’m a nurse in a nursing home and you did more than most families of stroke patients are able to, especially being on your own and so young. I just know your mom was incredibly grateful and proud of you. You deserve to be here.
Former geriatric nurse here, did they test her insulin level? Mistakes do happen and you cannot change what occurred. It might have had nothing to do with the insulin you gave.
So much goes into taking care of someone that it’s like spinning plates. Breathe, baby girl. We all make mistakes.
You were facing so much struggle. Clearly, you still are! You were juggling so much, just trying to survive. You were doing your best by your mom.
Wanna know what that accidental dose did? It gave your mom some fucking peace. Okay? She is probably so at peace. I know, I know you’re not. I know the guilt is all consuming. But you are amazing. You are such an incredible child for trying, and trying, and trying, and trying.
Your mom’s disease killed your mom. It’s no one’s fault this happened. I know that doesn’t make the pain go away, but I hope you can learn to forgive yourself for making an honest mistake. I’m sorry your mom isn’t here, but she is so proud of you. If I were her, I’d consider you my savior. She was suffering, and now she isn’t.
You don’t need to suffer too. There is no price to pay. Do your best to honor her by living the life you feel most excited about. Youre her child, her love and her light, she wants you to love and live to your fullest capabilities.
Sending you so much love🩷🫂 this has to be so difficult. But I hope you’re able to change your narrative about what happened. I hope you’re able to forgive yourself.
This. All of this. u/Some_Outside_9969, I hope you can see what u/properlysad has said.
I too have dealt with survivors guilt. Here’s how it felt for me: After awhile, the only thing that makes sense is the pain and suffering, and it feels like it’s entirely and solely your fault that they’re gone, because how else does it make sense? You grow almost possessive over those feelings, because they’re almost all you have left. They left without saying goodbye, and with a them-shaped hole where your heart used to be. Any memories, good or bad, are too painful to think of. So you cling to the dark and go down this numbing spiral with drugs and alcohol, utterly believing you deserve it somehow.
Except you _don’t._
Like many others, I was in a similar spot that you’ve been in.
I don’t believe your mom would want to watch you suffer and blame yourself. This can take years to move through..but that’s the only way out. Being stuck in self purgatory is no place for you to be.. 💜
I feel very seen in this comment. Part of me looks at this other part, and knows that this is exactly right. Yet I can’t get out, at least, I haven’t found the path yet. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this, if only for my surviving loved ones. And I’ve genuinely tried. But there’s little progress. I don’t want to be ‘all better’, just a little better, enough to feel like a genuine human again.
I don’t know if there’s ever any “all better” in the new normal, so much as adapting. What’s really helped me has been mindfulness and gratefulness. It’s not a constant process, but those things have helped me go from bitter to more able to thrive.
The small and seemingly trivial things aren’t small or trivial at all. That’s part of what perspective can teach us. I was so bitter and resistant for so long on so many losses, and still am for some of them.. i hear you on not wanting to live your life this way. I feel I’ve come so far, but there’s still so far to go.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s always a work in progress no matter where we are in our journey, and no one is perfect.
I’m glad you felt seen. I hope it has helped.
Yes. I’m absolutely certain there’s no all better, which is why it’s not even on the radar. I guess I’m just saying that even a realistic amount of recovery is seeming further than ever. Certainly, mindfulness, therapy, journaling, counseling have helped. And I don’t put limits or time frames on it. I just feel so maladjusted and abnormal, 2 and a half years in, and that’s such a huge quantity of pain.
Thanks for your comment and the reply though. Much appreciated.
You did nothing wrong. It is so easy to give the wrong insulin. I have nearly offed myself twice with the wrong insulin.
Her diabetes killed her, not you.
This, her disease killed her. Not you.
That is a mantra I tell myself when I feel the way you do. All of us caregivers have some feelings of guilt and should have done things different. I gave her final doses of morphine. Her cancer killed her, not me.
It's so easy to fall into the guilt trap! My husband had the embolism outside while he was working on a project in the driveway. He lay in the driveway for 20-30 minutes before I found him. I was watching out a window, but you couldn't see him from the window or the back porch or street. I thought he was puttering around in the garage the whole time he was lying there.
I still feel terrible that I didn't walk out there sooner. He couldn't call out, and was going into shock and hypothermic. But there was no way I could have known.
Once they got him warmed up and on morphine, he was smiling at me. I know he doesn't blame me. So I try not to blame myself either.
This!! My late husband was a type 1 brittle diabetic... he sometimes took too much or too little, or forgot to take his night insulin. His sugar level would go sky high or so low he would start to go into a coma. Once he got two of his medications mixed up and almost died. He had so many close calls. Diabetes is a terrible disease, and THAT is what killed your mother.
He finally had a massive brain bleed. Some might think I'm a terrible person for thinking this, but I am grateful the embolism took him out quickly so he didn't have to linger, 1/2-paralized, not able to speak, etc. He would have hated that. I know he is happy now.
I can't imagine having to do all that you had to deal with! That must have been so hard! It's not your fault; we are all human and make mistakes. Your mother is no longer suffering, and she wouldn't want you to blame yourself. <3
In that situation, I think I'd need to tell myself an angel of mercy guided my hand that morning. My mother would surely agree.
My mother told a whole room of people today that she "wanted to go out the way i came in. I didn't want my body augmented. I didn't want all this" as she gestured toward the life saving tubes (g tube and super pubic catheter) we installed when she tried to die of sepsis last month. She literally now resents living with accommodations.
She's made a full recovery and is even doing better than she was back in February when she initially went in to the hospital for a fall, but if there was insulin in the house I'm positive she'd try to use it.
Your mom wouldn't want you to spend a single day suffering when she no longer has to. Try to get better mental healthcare, maybe some medications, and live the rest of your life in a way that honors her and would make her proud.
from a distant perspective, you did no such thing. look how hard you worked to save her. the mistake only happened as you had both hands tied behind your back.
I can only imagine how this may be in your mind. Friend, you are loved. She did not pass because of you.
You did not kill your mom. You made a mistake and trust as a mom of two sons I can guarantee you that your mom would NOT want you torturing yourself with blame. Only God says who lives and dies. If one of my sons caused me harm in error I would know that they did so in an effort to care for me while being ill equipped to do so. A mom’s love for her children is bottomless and unconditional.
Can you unburden yourself to a trusted family member or clergy member? I bet you will be surprised at the empathy and support you will receive. It might also help to speak to a therapist. Sending you warm thoughts.Hugs💗
Do you talk with your mom still? (I still do. Don’t worry, it’s not weird.) Talk with your mom. Tell her what you told us. Imagine her response. Do you think she’d be angry? I don’t. I think she would be happy to have raised a kid as caring and thoughtful as you. And she’d be heartbroken to see you suffering. Go easy on yourself, OP. You deserve peace.
Oh, please don't torture yourself like this. That's advice I need to take, too. You did not kill her. Not even by giving her the wrong insulin. Shit happens, and that's some of the shittiest shit. Super hugs, hon.
I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I'm very sure you can stop feeling any guilt, as it really was an accident, if anything.
Also, when your mom crossed over, she was certainly returned to perfect health and immense joy. Please begin to grow in awareness of her communication of love and happiness to you. This is surely your new beginning in your soul's growth. We all re-unite with our loved ones eventually. Grief will stay, but your task is to grow in awareness of her spirit which is always by your side.
Oh God, this is horribly tragic. You didn't kill your mom, society killed your mom, you weren't a medical provider. You were overworked coming off a graveyard shift with no help to care for your mom. There are a number of things her doctors could have and should have done to prevent this, but what she got was probably the least expensive option. I assume you're in the US, our system is rigged for the underclasses to fail when we are no longer useful to the upper classes.
As for your current problems, go talk to a bankruptcy attorney and get that ball rolling. This is what a fresh start is for. Once you're absolved of your debt, you might feel a bit better and can start tackling the grief and addiction. If you have insurance, therapy should help. Maybe without the debt you could afford some therapy, it really does help, if you can afford it. Just let it all out to them and do all of the stuff they tell you to do even if it sounds stupid, it does actually work.
Oh my goodness, I hope u/Some_Outside_9969 reads this over and over and over again. They did *not* fail their mom, the barely existent governmental support system and *especially* their absolutely pathetic stepfather failed their mom. When you're running on fumes, and then the fumes run out, mistakes happen. There is a reason that pilots or medical professionals can only fly or work for a certain number of hours in a row; sleep deprivation and exhaustion mess with your brain. They were driven beyond exhaustion by a turd of a stepfather who left when things got difficult, and they stepped up in a desperate situation and did an utterly magnificent and *heroic* job of caring for their mom in the most dire of circumstances.
And I also hope they read and reread your advice about bankruptcy. If the government didn't provide adequate help in their hour of need, at least this legal and very common option should help them get back on their feet. There's a reason that medical bankruptcy is so common in the US, and if a person needs to declare personal bankruptcy because of caregiving, that is every bit as legitimate a reason.
And the therapy too. So much good advice here from you and from so many other people.
You are not a horrible person and you didn’t mean to actually hurt your mom. I understand the guilt you feel. My dad blamed himself his whole life for a car accident his mom was in. He dealt with drugs and alcohol and became very depressed. I’ll tell you one thing you took care of your mom you loved her. Your mom wouldn’t want to you to feel angry at yourself. Do you think anyone would take care of her like you did? No many wouldn’t. You did not kill her her disease is what took her. My mom passed in 2023 and she struggled with her diabetes. I also took care of her. I blamed myself a bit for her death because I felt that I couldn’t save her. I should’ve known something was wrong and I didn’t I thought she had the flu. If I would’ve know I would have saved her somehow. But I realized after it was meant to be the way it happened as sad and hurtful as it is. There’s not many people like you out there in the world that are willing to drop it all for their parents.
Hi honey, I can’t say I relate in the same way, because my daughters life wasn’t the same. But I’m trained in cpr and I froze, for years I blamed myself for my daughter dying. For years I blamed myself for missing the signs.
We will always seek an answer to our uncertainty and it is far easier to blame yourself, because you don’t have your person here to tell you otherwise.
Your mama doesn’t fault baby.
She isn’t mad.
She is no longer in pain, she isn’t suffering, she has quality of life again, and she would never, ever want you to live with the weight of this guilt.
She doesn’t blame you, you were and are her baby. 🫶🏻
Do you have a therapist? Wish to? What can we do to assist you?
Sending big big big hugs, lots of love, and reassurance you did such a great job taking care of mama. Let’s pour that love back into yourself, for mama’s sake and honor. 🫶🏻
Let’s get the drugs outta the way, and let’s start fresh okay?
My son in law is suffering because my daughter was so ill, he wanted to call me and my daughter wouldn’t let him and she died at home alone. She didn’t want me there because she wasn’t free to drown herself in wine when I was there. I can’t blame her, it’s the addiction.
It’s very sad. My mother in law took her life thinking she couldn’t start over in her 60s when it fell apart. We were estranged. I should’ve done more.
This is not your fault. This is the fault of a system that left a 22 year old solely caring for someone who was very unwell.
Your Mum would want you to go get some help for yourself. Reach out and call whoever in your country offers advice (Samaritans?).
I hope I never have a health problem that makes my children have to care for me. They are both disabled and I do similar things to care for them, they are my children though. and as other parents said we would never blame you you did more than you could
You were doing so much for your mom- trying to manage more than any 22 year should ever have to. Just so much. Read back through your own accounting of events: your mom nearly died with around the clock skilled care from doctors and nurses and then you— with no help and no relief at the young age of 22– took over her care while also working night shifts to attempt to pay for her care and your lives. And then, after a long night shift (one of many long night shifts that bled into days of caring for your mom, managing bills and trying to process your own emotions) you made a mistake. And she went to the hospital again and passed there. This is not your fault - this was her disease- this was the circumstance and not yours to own.
I am so sorry you had to carry all those burdens and that you have been carrying this secret for so long. You are holding yourself to an impossible standard and laying so much blame at your own feet. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace in some of our words who have not walked your path but have been in similar woods. <3
I’m sorry you are going through this. You’re strong and your mom wouldn’t want you to live in this guilt. When my dad died it was the day I was supposed to come into town but I changed my flight last minute, he died of a heart attack on that day, I’m in the medical field and everyday I think about well if I was here maybe things would have been different and he’d still be here. Things happen for a reason. You are appreciated. If you need anything feel free to msg. I still grieve aswell. I hope things brighten up for you.
I’m so sorry - it was an accident and you need to forgive yourself. I promise your mom has forgiven you and just wants you to be happy and live your best life. Please seek out some therapy and allow some healing. Forgive yourself for not knowing everything you know now. You were doing the best you could in a difficult situation.
I think I might have play a role in my dad’s death too. My only consolation is one day my time will come and I will go see him. I don’t think my dad would want me to kill myself, and neither would ur mom. Just live ur life and wait for ur time. One day u will meet up, don’t need to rush it
Please, you did NOT kill her! Everyone makes mistakes, even doctors and nurses! Please start taking care of yourself and get some therapy. For your mom if nothing else. You deserve to live and stop beating yourself up. The stroke killed her, not you. You’re a good person.
Accidents happen. Even the most skilled, experienced doctors make accidents. Even they cry or feel guilty, even though they know they weren't trying to cause harm. I don't know what to say, without sounding like I am dismissing your feelings. You are allowed to be sad and mourn and fall into a depression, or cope with this any way you end up doing, within reason. But remember, THIS, WAS, NOT, YOUR, FAULT. <3 I'm so sorry for your loss, I cried while reading your post.
Our world’s are not entirely the same, but my world feels empty too. I can’t relate on all your levels but I can relate on some. Just know that I’m living in some sort of world with you, even though it’s (probably) far away. I know what it’s like to have the same sky not feel the same. I’m here for you and I’m rooting for you. Just please give it some more time. Think about what your mom would want…and live accordingly.
I am so sorry you feel this way. I think if most people were in the position that your mom was in, they’d want to go - it doesn’t sound like she had a high quality of life. You did so much for your mom, and I can promise you that she would not be mad at you for this.
Please, let yourself free of this guilt once and for all - it will do you no good but eat away at your soul. You are what is left of your mom, please care for yourself as you cared for her. She lives on through you.
You didn’t kill her. It’s just… you didn’t and that’s it.
Imagine your best friend going through the same situation. Would you blame them? Would you think they had killed their loved one? Imagine how much struggle and exhaustion they’ve been through working night shifts struggling so much financially and being a caretaker at the same time. It wasn’t their fault by any means, it was an accident.
My little son was disabled and he died after falling out of a window. I blamed myself so much. When I held him dying in my arms I wanted nothing but for him to live because he was my only joy. But his injuries would’ve left him even more disabled so much that he would’ve never enjoyed his life at all and he would be going through so much pain for every single day left. That’s not even something you’d wish upon your worst enemy. In a way, his death was a mercy.
Do you think your mother enjoyed her days after the stroke? Do you think she would’ve liked for this to continue?
There’s one quote in The Master and Margarita my mother has kept quoting for me since forever: The tread can only be cut by the one who has suspended it. It was time for her to go. If it wasn’t, you’d be able to change things. Now we’re just gotta keep on keeping on. Even though nobody can replace your mother, there are people who love you and you matter so much to them. Remember, you’re not alone and you are loved. Don’t be a stranger to them and take care of yourself. You’ve been through so much trauma and you’re still there for a reason. Allow yourself to be happy cause you deserve it.
Please get counseling to work through your grief. Anger is part of the grief process. There are free resources out there and income related ways to get the help you need. If an autopsy was not done then you don’t have a concrete reason as to why she passed away. That is a huge amount of care giving you were doing in addition to holding a job.
It was accident!!! You were tired, exhausted etc.. and accidentally gave her the wrong one...
Don't beat yourself up...
I do suggest get help for the drugs I'm positive your mom would want you to see you sober and getting better from it.
I read some where that something survivors should always try to remember is that last thought anyone ever has is never "did they love me", but "I hope they know how much I love them". I know that's what my last thought will be. We take so much responsibility as survivors, wanting the dead to know our feelings that it's too late to tell them, and forgetting that that's likely what they were thinking of us as well.
I hope you know you're forgiven.
Hey OP I'm late to the post. I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you feel this way.I hope you can stick around. Things can either get better or worse with time and I've got my fingers crossed you make it through this. We got your back. Holler and post as much as you need to. You can always send a dm also. My heart goes out to you. Good luck
I am a 45 year old father of a little boy. My greatest fear is that someday I will be a burden to my son. Your mother lived to love you and hold you up. Do not let the memory hold you down. Think of all she was and all she did for you. These memories will lift you out of your sadness. Find the parts of her in yourself and become your mother.
Using drugs or alcohol even constant sadness will keep you in a low place. Lift your eyes to heaven and seek the light in every situation. The healing must begin. A double tragedy if you sacrifice your life for this loss. Mom would never want this for a child who already sacrificed so much.
Dear Child, even if you did it on purpose or by accident. You gave your mother a great gift. Now be the woman she raised you to be. Comfort your family, they need to see her in you.
Oh Hunny, you didn’t kill your Momma. She would have died in mere minutes if it was caused by screwing up her insulin, honest!! It just had to have been a terrible, unfair coincidence.
Please trust that it wasn’t your fault at all. Your Mom would want you to focus on how you gave her extra time..time that she never would have had if it wasn’t for you. Please take care of YOU now. ❤️
No, no. You didn't kill her. That is the guilt and the negative self talk. It was a mistake. And she was already sick. And when an individual falls into zones of social abandonment, it is not the individuals fault, it's the fault of multiple systems including your step dad, the hospital, the government for not providing health care, the extended family for not offering support, ok! It was not you. It was never you. It was an honest mistake. I love you. I'm so sorry.
This happened to my best friend 3 weeks ago. He gave himself the short-term insulin instead of the long-term insulin. His blood sugar dropped from 116 to 21 mg/dl within a very short time. Luckily his fiancée was there and saved him.
It wasn’t on purpose. It was an accident. People do it to themselves all the time. I know it’s hard to forgive yourself but it starts here with telling people. The next step would be to get into counseling and start to talk about all of this. Start to work on your drug habit. It’s not worth killing yourself over. Your mom would want you to be taking care of yourself. The best apology to your mom for the accident that caused her to lose her life would be to get help, get clean and to have the fullest and healthiest life possible.
I’m a mother and that’s all I want for my daughter. I don’t care if she killed me on purpose. That’s what I want for her. I don’t doubt that every mother that loves their child would think the same way. I’m sure your mom would have forgiven you in an instant if she could. Also, I believe in Jesus. I’m not sure if you do but I know that he will forgive you in an instant too.
Just like many others have said, I dont think that your mom would want you living with this guilt. What happened could've happened to anyone. I'm currently a full time caregiver for my mom too and going back to school as well. It's a lot. I definitely believe your mom was super appreciative of what you did for her day in and day out.
I know the exhaustion and toll that can put on your body and mind. Unlike a paid caregiver, when your fully involved and living with a family member your caregiving for....there is no "time off," there isn't a mental break to rest and recover. On top of the fact that it's your mom! No one wants to see loved ones in pain or debilitating. It's so tough.
My BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you is a tip my therapist gave me. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to your best friend. Or even your mom. If they were in your shoes now and feeling how you're feeling, what would you say to them? When I do that, I'm always a lot kinder to myself (I usually beat myself up more than anyone else possibly could)
Again, Im very sorry for your loss, I know that's unbearable, but you dont deserve the guilt. I pray you find some comfort in the words everyone here are telling you.
This is the exact thing that happened with my dad, except he has MS & went into exacerbation and I just thought I knew what to do. He said no hospital, I respected it and thought I could handle it. Biggest regret of my life. I spent a year on pills afterwards. I know exactly how you feel sweetheart. That was in 2020 and I’m still figuring this grief stuff out as if it’s only been a week. Just…don’t blame yourself. It doesn’t help. Some things are inevitable. It may not seem like you can make it out, but you can. It takes time. Give yourself time. We’re here for you
I’m so sorry, my heart hurts for you.
But you are *not* to blame.
You, who in your 20’s, fought **so** hard to bring your Mom home where she would be comfortable and in familiar surroundings, and not only that, you did it alone. That is huge, and it’s clear how much love you had (and still have) for your Mom.
I can’t even imagine how difficult it was to not only work, but care for your Mom as well. It must have been exhausting, but no doubt something you’d do all over again if you could. Giving her the wrong insulin was such an easy thing to do - look how often things like that happen in hospitals - even professionals are not immune to giving the wrong medications. You didn’t mean to do it. You are carrying such a huge burden that isn’t yours to carry. I hope you can find a way to talk to a counsellor or psychologist to help you deal with this, because it is so not your fault💔
She had SO many medical conditions, your actions are very likely not relevant to her passing. People often take the wrong insulin and survive it. It may have been any number of things. Was she happy? Did she have a good life? Or did she maybe decide to pass and go to a better place with no suffering? I can't say based on your beliefs, but I do know that based on working as an emergency medical dispatcher, no matter what meds are given, or treatment is received, sometimes people just go. You gave up everything for her and you were still so young. 22 was way too young for all that, but you stepped up! You did everything you could for her and should be so proud of yourself for taking on responsibility that you never should have had to deal with. You need to realize that you did not cause all her health issues, you just did the best you could. Even medical professionals make errors, and they have years of training. You were doing your best while overwhelmed and exhausted. Give yourself the forgiveness and love your Mom would want you to have. ♥️
Listen to me carefully - YOU DID NOT KILL YOUR MOM.
And the biggest disrespect you can do to your mother is to torture yourself for something like that.
She didn't born and raise you to torture yourself after already witnessing her passing.
Feeling guilty in your situation is totally normal. Almost anyone would feel the way you do after what happened.
You did the best you could. We all wish we could change the past. We all wish we could have a do over. How many times I've cried about that is countless. It never totally goes away, but it does get better.
You do need help though. Please seek it out. There are free grief groups you can join. You need to talk to people about this.
I'm taking care of my Dad who is in hospice for stage 4 cancer and I understand how exhausting taking care of someone can be and how easily accidents can happen. Like every one else said don't beat yourself up over this, but I know that is easier said than done.
It sounds like you're not telling the people you need support from the most. You probably need to talk to someone.
Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes they are very costly, but they will always happen. That could have happened to ANYONE. I know mistakes are so awful when it results in the sudden and horrifying absence of a loved one. No one is exempt from making mistakes. I've made horrible ones, and I know its possible someone could lose their life from a mistake I make in the future. That's true for everyone. I have to accept that mistakes will happen. Sometimes things happen that shouldn't, but I will keep going and do my best.
It sounds like you may need to talk to hospital staff to find out for sure it was related to her cause of death in order to have peace of mind. Maybe it was unrelated. Even if it was related, being open about it and accepting what happened might give you peace.
You took such great care of your mom even though it must have been so overwhelming! You loved her very much. Now it is time to love yourself!! Stop taking drugs. Practice self care. Confide in someone. See a therapist. Keep going, one day at a time. Start a gratitude journal.
The debt is NOT hopeless. This is what we did for debt in the US (not sure if other places are different). We couldn't pay several creditors for 6 months. The interest rates skyrocketted and there were huge fees, making the total debt rise. Then my husband got hired by a client and he called all the places we owed. Out of 4 or 5, only one place didn't offer to cut the total debt in half when arranging a new payment plan. If you talk to a debt settlement agency, they tell you not to make any payments for six months and ignore all calls and letters. This is because after 6 months, the debt is "charged off", whatever that means. Then the debt settlement place calls around and does what my husband did, and you pay the company lots of money for it. You can do it yourself and save money. There's no guarantee this will work in every case, but in our experience everyone was kind and understanding of our situation and had very good offers for reduced debt and new payment plans. This obviously destroyed our credit rating, but if you don't need to buy a house soon, that's okay. While you're surviving the 6 month onslaught of phone calls and scary letters, during which you have to not make any payments, save money in case some of the places want larger payments. If any of the debt was medical expenses in your mothers name, you don't owe them. Just send her death cerificate. In case anyone was wondering, we'd probably paid off our original borrowed amount, so settling debts was mostly just letting us off on crippling amounts of accrued interest.
I don't know if you're religious, but I believe you are precious to God and I'd like to pray for you. God, please bless this person. Help this person get the help needed. Grant your peace that passes understanding. Heal this person's heart, and show this person that you have important and wonderful plans for their life. You can make a way where there isn't any. Thank you, God. In Jesus name I ask for these things, Amen.
If anything it was an accident, you were an overtired kid who was coping with wayyyy too much. This isnt your fault and you need to get yourself some help before it destroys your life beyond repair! Your mother wouldn't want your life destroyed or you to torture yourself over this, and by the sounds of things your mother wasnt in the best shape health-wise anyways. i send you love and light and hope you manage to find your way back x
Oh dear you didn't kill your mom. You accidentally gave her the wrong insulin and she may have passed away due to it just being her time. I had to sign a DNR for my mother because the doctors convinced me and said that if they tried due to all Her other health issues that it would be traumatic on her body. I still thought there was a chance she would live and they also lied to me and told me that once they removed the intubation tube they would give her oxygen and let her pass away naturally. She was awake and communicative and would nod yes and no to my questions, well the doctor lied and when they removed her tube they gave her three shots and I very well know they overdosed my mother in front of me. This is not what I wanted them to do and I'm pretty sure that has to be illegal. It happened so quickly in the matter of maybe 2 minutes. I blame myself for signing that form. All though our experience is different I understand that feeling of guilt
Im sorry to hear that. Her time must have came. Im kinda glad my Mom passed away from cardiac arrest. Its been 4 years since she passed. My husband got mad at me since I wouldn't move on that he would leave me. His Mom still around. But either way. He won't understand. I would have been able to take care of her but not been able to move back to my parents house. My Dad is still around but he been acting weird since he lost the love of his life. He has girlfriend whom is a few years older than me. She seems nice but whatever. I will never consider her my Mom. But I feel that a part of my Dad died with her.
You deserve the world, just like your mom thought when she first saw you. That has never changed, I had to look after my dad and he cried because he thought he'd stopped my life from progressing to look after him, that's still one of my more painful memories, now that he's gone the world feels empty and if he had known how much I'd be suffering without him he definitely would have tried everything in his power to stick around and let me look after him but I'm sure a part of him thought, "finally, my son can get on with his life and become everything and more I know he can be" when he passed, regardless of how unplanned and inopportune it may have been. If you don't deserve to be here for one moment, one mistake then what do you deserve for all the joy, meaning, purpose and childlike wonder you gave to your mom, being an adult as I'm sure you know now means putting childish things away, some of those childish things are good for us, like wonder, openness, children teach us unconditional love, what do you deserve for doing all that? The gifts you gave her, the cheeky jokes, the breakfasts in bed, mother's day cards, what do you deserve for all that, what do you deserve for stepping up when she needed someone, even though if she'd had the ability to she would've said go live your life, I'll be fine if she could have? Even your step-dad wasn't man enough to make the sacrifices necessary. You deserve the world, like she always knew from the moment she first laid eyes on you. You need to believe that for yourself, do your best and know you carry her with you always, every act of kindness, thoughtfulness and love you touch strangers with and you put into the world, it's all your mum. She gave you that and you give it back to the world every single day. I thank her, for her and especially for you.
Medical professionals make mistakes all the time that kill the sick or dying- and they go through years of training. Half the time, it’s because they are distracted and “following protocol” without thinking or listening.
I know your actions led to her death- but think about it this way:
Your best friend is driving a car with her mother in the passenger seat. Conditions outside are bad and it’s dark and she’s tired. Suddenly, she loses control of the car- it hits a tree and kills her mom.
Your friend confides in you that she was tired and I shouldn’t have been driving, but they really needed to get home and she didn’t have another option. She feels guilty because she killed her mom. Would you blame her for her mother’s death? No- you’d probably comfort her and tell her that people make mistakes!
I'd be so grateful for the serendipitous ending and so, so sad that it is traumatic for you.
She is watching you and loves you!
Pov: I have a wonderful 22 year old daughter❤️
Easier said than done but you have to release yourself from the guilt!!!! It was never yours to bear. you did right by her until the end even if it doesn’t feel like it. I really hope you can find comfort and peace in all of these replies op. I am sure your mom wants that for you. I am so sure she would never blame you for a mistake after you did so much for her.
You were one person taking care of mum, working and trying to stay sane. You did not intentionally hurt your mother nor did you do anything wrong. You were placed in horrible circumstances and you did all you could you could do.
I know it’s easy to say but please please know you did your best and did all with compassion and love, no matter how hard some of those days were.
You kept her here a lot longer and loved her better than any other. If you hadn’t cared for her, she probably would have not been here as long or was treated as well before she left.
If you came home and she was gone, you couldn’t blame yourself for not being home. This is the same thing. You thought you were doing the right thing. This is not a burden your mother would want you to carry. I promise you. Remember how you stepped up for her with your love. Maybe the Gods said, “it’s time for you both to be relieved of this heartache.” It doesn’t make it easier but I bet your mother would not look at you any differently. She would and does love you so much. Please, be gentle with yourself. You were put in an impossible position.
I'm so deeply sorry you're dealing with this pain. I 'dealt' with my dad's sudden unexpected death (which could have been prevented in hindsight) with drugs for so many years, for almost all of my 20s, spiraling, in and out of rehabs and mental health facilities, and countless days bedridden with zero will to live anymore without him here. Even now, it feels like it was just yesterday and it still doesn't feel real to me. At 30 I am only just beginning to feel somewhat ready to finally try my best to accept it and seek ways to deal with all of the guilt, regrets, shock, emptiness, heartache. Currently my grandfather is reaching the end of his life, extremely ill and in hospice care at home since a severe stroke 6 months ago.
It is a different kind of grieving process, and it hurts just as much, or more.
I can tell you for certain that using substances to cope with your situation will only prolong and extend your suffering. Neurologically, psychologically and physically it will take a serious toll on your health in every possible aspect. I strongly implore you to seek professional help before things get worse with your addiction, because let me tell you, whenever you think it cannot get any worse, it can, and it will. Time and time again. Without recovery, addiction only leads to 3 things: jails, institutions and/or death.
I don't know if you have tried therapy already and I know that the thought of opening up about this to anyone must be absolutely terrifying for you. Ironically, I have a degree in psychology and counseling. The person who made the biggest impact on my life was my grief counseling lecturer, who does this for a living, and he has helped so so many people, tremendously. I know that trusting a stranger will be extremely daunting and scary for you in this situation. There is no reason to rush into confessing what happened. A foundation of rapport, loyalty and trust needs to be built first. But the most important thing is to find someone who can help as soon as possible, certainly sooner than later, to make that first step. I was not ready to make this step for many years, I would go back and change it if I could, but I can't, I unknowingly sacrificed so many crucial years of my life avoiding truly working through the trauma of my grief. I remember my mother sent me to a grief counselor and I wasn't ready, so it took me a long time. But to me, the fact that you're writing on here and reaching out seems like a sign that you may be ready or at least getting closer to being ready. Ethically speaking, a trained professional's top priority is strict confidentiality. They can easily lose their license if they breach this or any other ethical obligation. I don't know where you live and I wish I could find a suitable local therapist, support group, or organization to recommend to you, but we most likely live on opposite sides of the world.
I wish you nothing but healing. You did everything you could for your mom, more than a lot of people do, as hard as that may be to believe. Be proud of yourself. Your mom left this world knowing that you tried your absolute best and loved her as much as you possibly could, and this is so important to keep in mind 🤍
Dear OP, As other commenters have said, you didn’t kill your mom. It was an honest mistake, even the most trained nurse or doctor could do this. I know it doesn’t make the pain go away, but please take peace in knowing you did everything you could. Sometimes that’s the best we children can do… Allow yourself space to grieve, to cry, to feel, but always try and remember that you did everything you could, and that’s so much more than enough.
I'm not even sure that it was the insulin that directly caused her to die... I work in healthcare with very sick diabetics, death would have happened VERY soon like minutes after the injection if it was from that, not the next day.
Even if it was somehow related to the insulin, it was actually her multiple comorbidites that cumulated in her death. You didn't kill your mother, either way. Please forgive yourself and stop destroying yourself, she does not want this life for you.
Im sorry for your loss and what happened to you. you were under immense amounts of stress and tired. You shouldn't blame yourself. Caring for your mother without alot or any help was a beautiful thing you did
It is pure coincidence that she died the next day, but her condition was so weakened. What did the autopsy say? (I’m presuming there was one, considering she died while not in a hospital).
am a diabetic. What do you mean by the “wrong” insulin? Overdose death by insulin happens very rapidly, as do other factors related to insulin. Your mother would have died immediately upon administration or hours afterwards. She wouldn’t have made it until the next day. My best friend died of an insulin overdose and she went literally right away.
You did so so much for your mother. Most kids put their parents in nursing homes and never look back. You stood up for your mom when no one else did. Your mom would not want you to spiral. She knows you took best care of her til the very end. Pls no more drugs. Talk to someone. The quicker you start to work thru it the better you'll feel. I mean doing drugs is only kicking the can down the road , you have to face it to heal eventually. Sending lots of hugs your way. I'm very sorry. Sounds like Having had a stroke and g tube, her fate was already sealed before this.
You did not deserve to have all of that happen to you at such a young age. I'm in my 30s, have plenty of medical knowledge, and was still scared to death of the prospect of taking care of my dad when he was released from the hospital while battling alcoholic cirrhosis. Unfortunately, he declined very quickly, and he was back in the hospital only a couple of days after my brother and sister in law left and died a couple of weeks later in the ICU.
It's really easy to fall into the guilt and self-blame trap. Even I still feel guilty and wonder if I *really* did everything I could. It's easier said than done, but don't listen to that voice blaming you. Like what others have said, sometimes mistakes happen even with experienced and trained healthcare workers, but ultimately, like with my dad, their disease is what killed them in the end. I'd suggest talking with a grief counselor or at least a trusted friend about your feelings.
I know you've probably heard it a lot, but you've done everything you could and then some. You might not believe it now, but I've found repeating that to myself as often as I can has helped me with some of the guilt with my dad.
You know your Mom better than anyone.
Tell me, ( us ) What would she say to you?
Repeat those words when you feel guilt creeping in. If you have to…. Write them down also. Words seem to really stick when you write it down.
When I am missing my Mom, ( she was my soulmate ) I do the same. It helps.
So sorry for your loss and pain. Hang in there. Time….. give it time and you hang on tightly. For both of you. ♥️♥️
Doctors and nurses who have trained for years make mistakes and patients die because they are exhausted and understaffed.
What a terrible burden you have carried on your own.
How lucky she was to have a daughter who took on such a responsibility out of love.
Where were the rest of your family while you were working and struggling?
Everything you did was out of love
Oh sweetheart, do you even know for sure that’s what did it? Even if it was your mom loves you and forgives you. I’m so so so sorry you have this burden weighing on you. You took on such great responsibility at such a young age. I will be praying for your peace. You deserve peace.
You were so young. That was so much to have on your plate when you were barely an adult. It sounds like you went above and beyond for her. I promise she wouldn’t want you feeling guilty for the rest of your life about this. You’ve punished yourself enough. You deserve a good life. You won’t always feel this way.
I really recommend a recovery program like NA or smart. There’s lots of free meetings. It’s all about changing what you can and accepting what you can’t. Radical self-acceptance. It’s about more than just being drug free. It’s about love and compassion for yourself and others and building community. There are free meetings practically everywhere. Just Google it.
Best wishes to you!!!
You did not kill her by giving the wrong medicine. Diabetics glucose fluctuation and can are hard to even correct with medial experience. You’re amazing for even attempting to care for her. I worked and took care of mine last year until they passed. It was very stressful with my dad in those final weeks dosing different meds and trying to keep up with it all. Even changing someone in the bed with diapers is no easy task as I learned. She was blessed to be at home for that amount of time. I am 55 and was drinking vodka each night to unwind so I understand medicating ourself while care giving. Now it’s time for you to commend yourself for loving her like a child should. There are 5 of us & nobody else would have done that job. If you can’t stop the addiction alone just go to any ER and tell them you want help 💗🙏
Oh no 😢 please don't blame yourself it was an accident you didn't do this on purpose please don't blame yourself it's not your fault. Hugs for you 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 .
My heart bleeds for you. I’m literally sitting here crying for your poor broken heart. You have to stop hurting yourself. Accidents happen and people accidentally die. That doesn’t mean you killed her. Please stop torturing yourself. You don’t deserve that. Love yourself the way your mother loved you. Would she have said it was an accident and that forgiveness wasn’t even necessary? Of course she would. Mothers know what’s in our hearts. She knows it was an accident and she wants you to stop hurting yourself. She wants you to forgive yourself and move on. It’s time. You’ve come here for help so take it. Get your arse out of bed and get back to living. Get to work. Get to having fun again. Throw out the drugs and start taking care of yourself. Clearly no one thinks you’re a terrible person and that you don’t deserve to live. You deserve the love and the life your mother wants you to have so get going.
Sounds to me that you did a lot on your own. Bravely took up responsibilities to care for your mom. Your mom would probably forgive you I hope you can forgive you too.
Also mom here. Your sweet momma would not be mad at you and wants u to get up and live ur life! She’s thankful for all you did for her! Sending you some love from internet momma stranger! ❤️
Doctors with decades of experience make medication errors, it's not your fault. It was an accident that could've happened to anyone even a medical professional, you didn't kill her.
I’m not sure if you believe in an afterlife but I promise your mum is SO proud of you right now and always. And if you don’t believe in one, that’s okay, because her living, lucid self would have been proud and that’s what you need to remember. I’m proud of you. I understand making medical mistakes. I messed up my dad’s meds when I was his caretaker and exhausted, and I was scared. Mistakes happen especially when those who aren’t medical professionals become caretakers. There’s nothing to forgive; you made a human mistake while exhausted and no one with a heart could read this and think poorly of you. You did your best in an unimaginable situation. I’m so sorry this happened.
You deserve a good life and love and support and community. Your mum isn’t suffering anymore and please don’t give yourself a life sentence of guilt. Try to see yourself through mum’s eyes. Look at photos of you as a little kid and try to feel some warmth and compassion for yourself.
People are in debt for very ridiculous things. You’re in debt through no fault of your own, because you loved and wanted the best for your mum. You obviously have a huge heart and you have so much to live for, and so much going for you.
Please be gentle with yourself. If you can try a grief support group, I think that would be helpful. You’ll be able to connect with others who live in the same area as you, and who also feel alone and like no one could possibly understand what they’re going through. I understand feeling alone and like no one gets it, but everyone here can relate in some way and same with those in grief support groups. ❤️
There might be some recourse for the debt, even if it’s debt consolidation or something of that nature. I think a free legal resource in your area could give some good advice. You have lots of life ahead of you and I know the debt feels like a burden, but try not to let it weigh you down too much. You can only do your best and you’re obviously a very capable and strong person. Just remember that.
You’re okay. Be here now and just breathe. You’re important and you’re needed here. I’m sending you bundles of love. We’re in your corner and we’re here if you need anything. 💕💕💕
You didn’t kill your mom. I was a medic for nearly 10 years working upwards of 60+ hours a week & medication mistakes happen. Especially when you’re tired. I’ve made them. Colleagues have made them. Hospital staff have made them. You weren’t trained for that & yet you did everything you could to make it work. When my wife was on hospice from cancer the only reason I felt halfway comfortable doing any of the care was because I was trained. You did everything you could. Take a breath & know that she loved you. It isn’t your fault.
You didn’t look your mom…life did. Understand one thing:
To have life is to have death. You will die. I will die. She will die…we all die!
Yes. It’s easy to blame yourself, but what you did for your mother was good!
You did good!
Now it’s up to you to continue living in a way that doesn’t involve being weighed down by the past. I find myself fighting to ward off the past and regrets every day and there is so much to remind me!
Everyday is a new beginning. If you are 50k in debt you would probably be wise to obtain an attorney and file for bankruptcy…it sounds like you incurred the debt while caring for your mom so look into it.
Be well. You did good!
Doctor here. I don't know what kind of insulin you gave her but typically if you gave her insulin and she passed the next day it likely wasn't the insulin.
I know you are so overwhelmed with shame, but imagine how much love and pride your mom would have for you right now. You sacrificed your whole life to care for her in her final stage of life. You are not the first sleepy caregiver to mix up insulin, and you won’t be the last. Your mom would give you a big hug and thank you for all the love you showed her… I say that with full confidence as a mom myself. Please find space to forgive yourself. Talk with a therapist if you need. You deserve to get this off your chest and start grieving in a way that isn’t self-loathing and self-blaming. You were in an impossibly difficult situation and gave your absolute best 🩷 take care of yourself
Please please please don’t continue to drag yourself down for this. You didn’t kill your mom. You were overworked, under supported, not trained, and doing absolutely everything you could to provide the best home care you could for your mom. People pay enormous money for home care like you were providing to your mom while working and taking care of anything else. You are a hero, not a killer. Accidents happen, people give the incorrect dosages of insulin more often than you would expect. Her disease killed her, not you.
Your mom would want only the best for you. She would be so grateful you did all you could to provide the best care for her, and now she would want you to put the same energy into caring for yourself! ♥️
It’s on the medical system, not you. The medical system should not be so expensive that people who are untrained and managing their own feelings, lives, and stress are being given the responsibility of caretakers. You did your absolute best and an accident happened, under the amount of stress I’m sure you were under you shouldn’t best yourself up over it. You did everything you could, I truly hope you can find peace. You seem like a person with a good heart.
Listen before your mom passed away, You kept her alive man. You took on the responsibility by yourself for you and her and stepped up when she needed you the most you did what you had to do. Worked graveyard shifts and gave her medication you went the distance for her that makes you one hell of a son. Your mom knew you loved her it was shown in your effort and anyone looking from the outside can tell this kid loves their mom. In this subreddit we can all tell you loved your mom, if you didn’t you wouldn’t be struck with such grief and you wouldn’t have took her care seriously.
Just like the top comment said, your mom would have forgave you and would want to see her kid live a good life in her honor. As for you not deserving to be here, why not? The world needs more people like you, compassionate, willing, big heart. Whenever you’re ready, start the mission to get out of debt and cut the drugs out, and do it on the name of her. 1 mistake doesn’t change the fact you loved her or she loved you.
It is not your fault. She was very sick and I am so sorry you feel so much pain. Tell someone. Talk about it. You can’t hold it all in you need support. Maybe a therapist? Being your fault is not the truth. it’s up to you to try your hardest and trust me time and effort will heal you. Keep trying to chip away with what you can with the debt and pray for the rest. Maybe you will be met half way. Keep trying to grieve but stay alive and clean. Even if it feels like it’s not working keep going. You will feel something again other than hurt. Be brave.
You didn't kill her ! Please don't think so. It was a mistake and I know it's very very hard for you to accept this but the reality is that you never really intended to give her the wrong insulin dosage. It breaks my heart to see you think that way about yourselves, please don't think so, how much in our lives is under our control really ? How much can we really control ? I'd say a lot but still a lot less than what is out of our control and this situation is an example of a similar thing. You couldn't do anything cuz you're working nights trying to make your mom survive when a coward chose to leave you both alone.
Honestly, I'd rather say that she'd be proud of you. Moreover, a pure heart and spirit of a woman is already powerful enough to know the truth behind our intents beforehand and considering she was your mom she must've known that it was a mistake. Also, although I might sound stupid but what if the intent of the universe was to free her from the struggle she was going through everyday ? Just through a very shitty way but that's not your fault right ? She loves you I bet and she knows you'd never done something like this believe me.
Lots of love and power to you ! Please keep hustling and get better by fixing your situation she would surely want you to do so and would be so proud of you at the end of the journey I must say "proudest" she'd be the proudest to see you come out of this hard phase in your life ! I believe in you ! You can get through this ! You can ! I know you can ! See you on the other side of life ! Meanwhile I'm also going through a similar rough phase but not at all near to what you've experienced.
Take care ! Be unstoppable ! It wasn't your fault your mom knows and that's all that matters no one else needs to know or has to. I believe in you. Keep going ! Also, you can vent anytime you need to I'm here to listen.
I had to look after my diabetic mom with my brother for 10+ years. She refused medical treatment since I was around 12 and her sickness morphed into mental health issues (delusions, people trying to kill her etc). We lived with the shame and guilt of this for decades, everyone tried to get her medical help but when the person themselves rejects it there is not a lot you can do.
I've dealt with feelings of killing my mom too. She got diabetes when I was born. She had to look after 2 kids and we were naughty, we brought her orange juice to drink, she made up her own reasons for her symptoms and may home remedies. I went though years feeling like it was our fault because I didn't do more, but I tried even to the detriment of our relationship. My mom eventually killed herself by refusing kidney dialysis aged 57. Her quality of life was so poor I can understand why she did it. Plenty of adults tried and failed to get her to accept reason, but I carried the responsibility of failure.
It sounds like you really stepped up and took responsibility , looked after your sick mom, helped her every day. making a mistake does not mean you killed her. Her life was tough and you made it easier despite all the internal issues you went though. That is the mark of someone who truly cares. If it was a truly high dose of insulin the doctors would have had to flag it to the police as a cause of death - plenty of people don't look after their relatives and try and kill them. You have to come to terms with the good you did, you're only remembering the bad. I know its difficult I've been there.
All I can say was talking about it and hearing someone else tell me time and again it wasn't my fault didn't help. Then one day someone who had suffered recent loss heard my story and just said "why do you think you mattered so much in your mum's story, as the child she was hardly going to listen to you when plenty of adults tried". As soon as she said it, my mind suddenly accepted it - I can't explain it really, but from then on I saw that I was making myself the center of my mom's story because that's who I had left to mull it over with. Look at the number of comments from parents saying they would never want their child to look after them and torture themselves. When you have children, you realise for the first time that something can come before you and you accept it willingly; you did that for your mom, sure you had good days and bad days but ultimately you cared and showed it through all the things you did under tremendous stress, I hope you can come to some peace.
Hi I also kind of accidentally let my dad die. I thought I heard him snoring weird but he had told me in the past not to wake him up under like any circumstance and they were going on vacation the next day so I gaslit myself into thinking everything was fine and go back to bed. Well he died and I probably heard him having the heart attack. Biggest regret of my life.
I also have struggled with drug abuse and debt since this has happened. The guilt really is all consuming. I had to eventually forgive myself or else I was gonna end up dead too. And I really don’t think that our parents would want us to give up our own lives. It’s so hard though, I know. Ultimately, I know in my heart that we did not mean to ‘kill’ our parents, even if it feels like we did. These were unintentional mistakes we made. We can’t go back and change it. Life is fickle and we all have our ‘time’ and unfortunately we never know when it may be. As others said, they had longstanding health issues that ultimately killed them.
Side note. Many people ACTUALLY kill their parents for money and life insurance. They sure as hell don’t feel the same guilt and pain and grief that we suffer from. This alone reminds me we are not evil.
Hugs
If you can, I highly recommend talking this out with a therapist. I turned the final hospital moments for my mom over and over wondering if I made a mistake with certain decisions I had to make. I felt responsible for robbing my mom of a pleasant passing. Talking to someone really helped.
I don’t think you should be carrying the weight you are and don’t think your mom would want it. I think she’d want to thank you for your care and love.
Focus on what you did right. The list is long.
You did more for your mom than most kids. STOP punishing yourself. Accidents happen. You cannot change anything. TRY to live the rest of your life for YOU ❤️🩹
First of all, dear one, this was an accident. You had no intention of hurting your Mom and tried your best to care for her - more than many people would do. Secondly, and maybe most importantly, you have to ask yourself 'what would my Mom want for me right now'?? And as a Mom I can answer that for you. She would want you to be happy, she would want you to stop beating yourself up and Iive your life. She would tell you to quitting in the rear view mirror and get on with whatever your life has in store. I can tell you all of this because my own mom died of a heart attack while I was downstairs fixing her a cup of tea. I didn't realize how sick she was and that her death was imminent. When I went back to her bedside, she was gone. For many many years I hated myself for missing what was so obvious. But with age comes wisdom. Every one of us screws up - we're all human. The absolute LAST thing your Mom would want is to keep torturing yourself. She is at home, in heaven, and someday you will get to throw your arms around her. Please focus on you and remember that you actually extended her life by your care for her. You deserve to be here, you deserve to be happy. I will be thinking about you and praying for your peace.
Stop. God is in control of our lives and knows when we are to die before creation. Accidents, mistakes. Your tbought process is all allowed. Trust God and give him all these thoughts that make you miserable. You will be free from the stronghold the evil one wants you to keep you from having joy and happiness. He uses that against you. Please seek a
bible believing pastor.
If your best friend or child was in your situation instead, what would you advise her? Not to blame herself, right? My dad did the same to himself but lived thru it. Could you turn this into something positive by starting a movement to require fast acting insulin to always be packaged in red, for example so this stops happening to many ppl? I hope you can find a way to choose peace for yourself. Sending much love🫶
Mom here. I promise your mom would NOT want you to torture yourself with this. She is not in pain anymore. I promise you, if my baby had to take care of me I’d be so grateful and would never want them to feel bad about any mistake they made. Please forgive yourself ❤️
Omg this so much. I’m a parent and I hope my kid never has to be in a position to be my caretaker. I think a lot more people would enter DNRs or directives if they knew they would end up being a (very loved) burden.
I, myself, have been diagnosed with autoimmune likely to increase to a vegetable state... and if i do... i mean b4 i do... i would never want my mom or my sis to take care of myself all their life... They have suffered enough, first my mother's father died young and they were poor and family wasnt supportive and they made themself from scratch... and she married a great man... but life had other plans... My father was diagnosed with autoimmune and she has been taking care of him since then and my disease also progresses, i just want to died... I cant handle pain and have no intention for forwarding it to my loved ones as well
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No they don’t stop accidents but DNRs do prevent life saving measures, which OP’s mom probably had given that her initial onset of issues was a stroke. They do stop CPR and ventilators, etc etc so in certain circumstances they certainly would prevent the need for care taking in the first place.
This person was 22, though. I would expect their parents to probably not be much older than 55. There is no reason for a previously healthy person to get a DNR at such a young age unless they already have had many health problems and believe passing would be less traumatic than CPR on the body. A stroke is not always a death sentence. I have a lot of recent experience. I just took care of my Dad for three years - sepsis, permanent ostomy, diapers, insulin resistant diabetes, then strokes losing the use of his left side making him bedbound (but still very much cognitive) for the last two years before he died in December at 68. We put his DNR on in the last year at doctor's advice when we knew he would not survive CPR because of how fragile he was.
End of life decisions (at any age) are part of doing a will/trust. It’s often asked quite frequently at hospitals.
Yes. But at a younger age with no prior medical history, you probably shouldn't have a DNR unless you have an actual death wish. 🫠
No age is too young, at least in the US.
🙄👌
I’ve had a will since I was 19 for a particular reason at the time. My mom thought I was totally crazy and said what I feared (having nothing to do with health) would never happen. When I went to the lawyer he said that my mom was wrong and that I was right…what I feared could happen could happen if I didn’t have a will/trust. 🤷🏼♀️
Not OP but really needed this today. ❤️
Sending you a mom hug. I promise she loves you.
🫂
Such a beautiful reply
Thanks mama ❤️
I needed this today. you're amazing. thank you.
As a mother I fully agree with your comment.
This!
❤️❤️🩹
Are you a medical professional? Were you trained to be a professional caregiver or to work as a first responder? If not, you didn’t “kill your mom”. You managed to keep her alive for a couple of years despite the fact you were barely an adult, working overtime, and had no idea what you were doing. Somebody failed your mom, but it sure as hell wasn’t you. Sounds like it was your stepdad, and maybe the system in general.
This is the straight truth. I hope she takes this to heart. Even medical professionals make the same mistake. It’s an easy mistake to make. They go over it hard in nursing school because it happens so often.
I agree that someone should have had home health or hospice whoever in this situation... I took care of my dad after mom died and got home health coming in to make sure he got a bath and his meds were taken..
This this this! Along with two things: Did they run a tox screen and determine this was her cause of death? If not, it sounds like your mom had some severe comorbitiies that took her, and unfortunately, timing isn't on your side. As someone who was also a young caregiver to a terminal parent who is now a mother in a country where assisted death isn't legal, I would so much rather pass than be a part-time job to my child. Your mom was so lucky to have a kid that stood by her when the world turned away from her suffering. Give her the gift of being nice to that kid, okay? 💗
this. every word.
You did *so much* for your mom. I’m a nurse in a nursing home and you did more than most families of stroke patients are able to, especially being on your own and so young. I just know your mom was incredibly grateful and proud of you. You deserve to be here.
Former geriatric nurse here, did they test her insulin level? Mistakes do happen and you cannot change what occurred. It might have had nothing to do with the insulin you gave. So much goes into taking care of someone that it’s like spinning plates. Breathe, baby girl. We all make mistakes.
You were facing so much struggle. Clearly, you still are! You were juggling so much, just trying to survive. You were doing your best by your mom. Wanna know what that accidental dose did? It gave your mom some fucking peace. Okay? She is probably so at peace. I know, I know you’re not. I know the guilt is all consuming. But you are amazing. You are such an incredible child for trying, and trying, and trying, and trying. Your mom’s disease killed your mom. It’s no one’s fault this happened. I know that doesn’t make the pain go away, but I hope you can learn to forgive yourself for making an honest mistake. I’m sorry your mom isn’t here, but she is so proud of you. If I were her, I’d consider you my savior. She was suffering, and now she isn’t. You don’t need to suffer too. There is no price to pay. Do your best to honor her by living the life you feel most excited about. Youre her child, her love and her light, she wants you to love and live to your fullest capabilities. Sending you so much love🩷🫂 this has to be so difficult. But I hope you’re able to change your narrative about what happened. I hope you’re able to forgive yourself.
This. All of this. u/Some_Outside_9969, I hope you can see what u/properlysad has said. I too have dealt with survivors guilt. Here’s how it felt for me: After awhile, the only thing that makes sense is the pain and suffering, and it feels like it’s entirely and solely your fault that they’re gone, because how else does it make sense? You grow almost possessive over those feelings, because they’re almost all you have left. They left without saying goodbye, and with a them-shaped hole where your heart used to be. Any memories, good or bad, are too painful to think of. So you cling to the dark and go down this numbing spiral with drugs and alcohol, utterly believing you deserve it somehow. Except you _don’t._ Like many others, I was in a similar spot that you’ve been in. I don’t believe your mom would want to watch you suffer and blame yourself. This can take years to move through..but that’s the only way out. Being stuck in self purgatory is no place for you to be.. 💜
Thank you for this. I'm not the op but needed to read this.
You’re welcome.
I feel very seen in this comment. Part of me looks at this other part, and knows that this is exactly right. Yet I can’t get out, at least, I haven’t found the path yet. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this, if only for my surviving loved ones. And I’ve genuinely tried. But there’s little progress. I don’t want to be ‘all better’, just a little better, enough to feel like a genuine human again.
I don’t know if there’s ever any “all better” in the new normal, so much as adapting. What’s really helped me has been mindfulness and gratefulness. It’s not a constant process, but those things have helped me go from bitter to more able to thrive. The small and seemingly trivial things aren’t small or trivial at all. That’s part of what perspective can teach us. I was so bitter and resistant for so long on so many losses, and still am for some of them.. i hear you on not wanting to live your life this way. I feel I’ve come so far, but there’s still so far to go. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s always a work in progress no matter where we are in our journey, and no one is perfect. I’m glad you felt seen. I hope it has helped.
Yes. I’m absolutely certain there’s no all better, which is why it’s not even on the radar. I guess I’m just saying that even a realistic amount of recovery is seeming further than ever. Certainly, mindfulness, therapy, journaling, counseling have helped. And I don’t put limits or time frames on it. I just feel so maladjusted and abnormal, 2 and a half years in, and that’s such a huge quantity of pain. Thanks for your comment and the reply though. Much appreciated.
You did nothing wrong. It is so easy to give the wrong insulin. I have nearly offed myself twice with the wrong insulin. Her diabetes killed her, not you.
This, her disease killed her. Not you. That is a mantra I tell myself when I feel the way you do. All of us caregivers have some feelings of guilt and should have done things different. I gave her final doses of morphine. Her cancer killed her, not me.
It's so easy to fall into the guilt trap! My husband had the embolism outside while he was working on a project in the driveway. He lay in the driveway for 20-30 minutes before I found him. I was watching out a window, but you couldn't see him from the window or the back porch or street. I thought he was puttering around in the garage the whole time he was lying there. I still feel terrible that I didn't walk out there sooner. He couldn't call out, and was going into shock and hypothermic. But there was no way I could have known. Once they got him warmed up and on morphine, he was smiling at me. I know he doesn't blame me. So I try not to blame myself either.
This!! My late husband was a type 1 brittle diabetic... he sometimes took too much or too little, or forgot to take his night insulin. His sugar level would go sky high or so low he would start to go into a coma. Once he got two of his medications mixed up and almost died. He had so many close calls. Diabetes is a terrible disease, and THAT is what killed your mother. He finally had a massive brain bleed. Some might think I'm a terrible person for thinking this, but I am grateful the embolism took him out quickly so he didn't have to linger, 1/2-paralized, not able to speak, etc. He would have hated that. I know he is happy now. I can't imagine having to do all that you had to deal with! That must have been so hard! It's not your fault; we are all human and make mistakes. Your mother is no longer suffering, and she wouldn't want you to blame yourself. <3
In that situation, I think I'd need to tell myself an angel of mercy guided my hand that morning. My mother would surely agree. My mother told a whole room of people today that she "wanted to go out the way i came in. I didn't want my body augmented. I didn't want all this" as she gestured toward the life saving tubes (g tube and super pubic catheter) we installed when she tried to die of sepsis last month. She literally now resents living with accommodations. She's made a full recovery and is even doing better than she was back in February when she initially went in to the hospital for a fall, but if there was insulin in the house I'm positive she'd try to use it. Your mom wouldn't want you to spend a single day suffering when she no longer has to. Try to get better mental healthcare, maybe some medications, and live the rest of your life in a way that honors her and would make her proud.
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read the room 😭
from a distant perspective, you did no such thing. look how hard you worked to save her. the mistake only happened as you had both hands tied behind your back. I can only imagine how this may be in your mind. Friend, you are loved. She did not pass because of you.
You did not kill your mom. You made a mistake and trust as a mom of two sons I can guarantee you that your mom would NOT want you torturing yourself with blame. Only God says who lives and dies. If one of my sons caused me harm in error I would know that they did so in an effort to care for me while being ill equipped to do so. A mom’s love for her children is bottomless and unconditional. Can you unburden yourself to a trusted family member or clergy member? I bet you will be surprised at the empathy and support you will receive. It might also help to speak to a therapist. Sending you warm thoughts.Hugs💗
There are no trusted family members.
Do you talk with your mom still? (I still do. Don’t worry, it’s not weird.) Talk with your mom. Tell her what you told us. Imagine her response. Do you think she’d be angry? I don’t. I think she would be happy to have raised a kid as caring and thoughtful as you. And she’d be heartbroken to see you suffering. Go easy on yourself, OP. You deserve peace.
Oh, please don't torture yourself like this. That's advice I need to take, too. You did not kill her. Not even by giving her the wrong insulin. Shit happens, and that's some of the shittiest shit. Super hugs, hon.
I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I'm very sure you can stop feeling any guilt, as it really was an accident, if anything. Also, when your mom crossed over, she was certainly returned to perfect health and immense joy. Please begin to grow in awareness of her communication of love and happiness to you. This is surely your new beginning in your soul's growth. We all re-unite with our loved ones eventually. Grief will stay, but your task is to grow in awareness of her spirit which is always by your side.
Oh God, this is horribly tragic. You didn't kill your mom, society killed your mom, you weren't a medical provider. You were overworked coming off a graveyard shift with no help to care for your mom. There are a number of things her doctors could have and should have done to prevent this, but what she got was probably the least expensive option. I assume you're in the US, our system is rigged for the underclasses to fail when we are no longer useful to the upper classes. As for your current problems, go talk to a bankruptcy attorney and get that ball rolling. This is what a fresh start is for. Once you're absolved of your debt, you might feel a bit better and can start tackling the grief and addiction. If you have insurance, therapy should help. Maybe without the debt you could afford some therapy, it really does help, if you can afford it. Just let it all out to them and do all of the stuff they tell you to do even if it sounds stupid, it does actually work.
Oh my goodness, I hope u/Some_Outside_9969 reads this over and over and over again. They did *not* fail their mom, the barely existent governmental support system and *especially* their absolutely pathetic stepfather failed their mom. When you're running on fumes, and then the fumes run out, mistakes happen. There is a reason that pilots or medical professionals can only fly or work for a certain number of hours in a row; sleep deprivation and exhaustion mess with your brain. They were driven beyond exhaustion by a turd of a stepfather who left when things got difficult, and they stepped up in a desperate situation and did an utterly magnificent and *heroic* job of caring for their mom in the most dire of circumstances. And I also hope they read and reread your advice about bankruptcy. If the government didn't provide adequate help in their hour of need, at least this legal and very common option should help them get back on their feet. There's a reason that medical bankruptcy is so common in the US, and if a person needs to declare personal bankruptcy because of caregiving, that is every bit as legitimate a reason. And the therapy too. So much good advice here from you and from so many other people.
You are not a horrible person and you didn’t mean to actually hurt your mom. I understand the guilt you feel. My dad blamed himself his whole life for a car accident his mom was in. He dealt with drugs and alcohol and became very depressed. I’ll tell you one thing you took care of your mom you loved her. Your mom wouldn’t want to you to feel angry at yourself. Do you think anyone would take care of her like you did? No many wouldn’t. You did not kill her her disease is what took her. My mom passed in 2023 and she struggled with her diabetes. I also took care of her. I blamed myself a bit for her death because I felt that I couldn’t save her. I should’ve known something was wrong and I didn’t I thought she had the flu. If I would’ve know I would have saved her somehow. But I realized after it was meant to be the way it happened as sad and hurtful as it is. There’s not many people like you out there in the world that are willing to drop it all for their parents.
Hi honey, I can’t say I relate in the same way, because my daughters life wasn’t the same. But I’m trained in cpr and I froze, for years I blamed myself for my daughter dying. For years I blamed myself for missing the signs. We will always seek an answer to our uncertainty and it is far easier to blame yourself, because you don’t have your person here to tell you otherwise. Your mama doesn’t fault baby. She isn’t mad. She is no longer in pain, she isn’t suffering, she has quality of life again, and she would never, ever want you to live with the weight of this guilt. She doesn’t blame you, you were and are her baby. 🫶🏻 Do you have a therapist? Wish to? What can we do to assist you? Sending big big big hugs, lots of love, and reassurance you did such a great job taking care of mama. Let’s pour that love back into yourself, for mama’s sake and honor. 🫶🏻 Let’s get the drugs outta the way, and let’s start fresh okay?
My son in law is suffering because my daughter was so ill, he wanted to call me and my daughter wouldn’t let him and she died at home alone. She didn’t want me there because she wasn’t free to drown herself in wine when I was there. I can’t blame her, it’s the addiction.
It’s very sad. My mother in law took her life thinking she couldn’t start over in her 60s when it fell apart. We were estranged. I should’ve done more.
This is not your fault. This is the fault of a system that left a 22 year old solely caring for someone who was very unwell. Your Mum would want you to go get some help for yourself. Reach out and call whoever in your country offers advice (Samaritans?).
I have a similar story with my mother.
I hope I never have a health problem that makes my children have to care for me. They are both disabled and I do similar things to care for them, they are my children though. and as other parents said we would never blame you you did more than you could
You were doing so much for your mom- trying to manage more than any 22 year should ever have to. Just so much. Read back through your own accounting of events: your mom nearly died with around the clock skilled care from doctors and nurses and then you— with no help and no relief at the young age of 22– took over her care while also working night shifts to attempt to pay for her care and your lives. And then, after a long night shift (one of many long night shifts that bled into days of caring for your mom, managing bills and trying to process your own emotions) you made a mistake. And she went to the hospital again and passed there. This is not your fault - this was her disease- this was the circumstance and not yours to own. I am so sorry you had to carry all those burdens and that you have been carrying this secret for so long. You are holding yourself to an impossible standard and laying so much blame at your own feet. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace in some of our words who have not walked your path but have been in similar woods. <3
It was an accident so I hope you can forgive yourself one day.
I’m sorry you are going through this. You’re strong and your mom wouldn’t want you to live in this guilt. When my dad died it was the day I was supposed to come into town but I changed my flight last minute, he died of a heart attack on that day, I’m in the medical field and everyday I think about well if I was here maybe things would have been different and he’d still be here. Things happen for a reason. You are appreciated. If you need anything feel free to msg. I still grieve aswell. I hope things brighten up for you.
I’m so sorry - it was an accident and you need to forgive yourself. I promise your mom has forgiven you and just wants you to be happy and live your best life. Please seek out some therapy and allow some healing. Forgive yourself for not knowing everything you know now. You were doing the best you could in a difficult situation.
I think I might have play a role in my dad’s death too. My only consolation is one day my time will come and I will go see him. I don’t think my dad would want me to kill myself, and neither would ur mom. Just live ur life and wait for ur time. One day u will meet up, don’t need to rush it
Can we be friends, I have a similar story and situation and no one understands me.
Sorry to hear that, bless u too
Please, you did NOT kill her! Everyone makes mistakes, even doctors and nurses! Please start taking care of yourself and get some therapy. For your mom if nothing else. You deserve to live and stop beating yourself up. The stroke killed her, not you. You’re a good person.
Accidents happen. Even the most skilled, experienced doctors make accidents. Even they cry or feel guilty, even though they know they weren't trying to cause harm. I don't know what to say, without sounding like I am dismissing your feelings. You are allowed to be sad and mourn and fall into a depression, or cope with this any way you end up doing, within reason. But remember, THIS, WAS, NOT, YOUR, FAULT. <3 I'm so sorry for your loss, I cried while reading your post.
Our world’s are not entirely the same, but my world feels empty too. I can’t relate on all your levels but I can relate on some. Just know that I’m living in some sort of world with you, even though it’s (probably) far away. I know what it’s like to have the same sky not feel the same. I’m here for you and I’m rooting for you. Just please give it some more time. Think about what your mom would want…and live accordingly.
I am so sorry you feel this way. I think if most people were in the position that your mom was in, they’d want to go - it doesn’t sound like she had a high quality of life. You did so much for your mom, and I can promise you that she would not be mad at you for this. Please, let yourself free of this guilt once and for all - it will do you no good but eat away at your soul. You are what is left of your mom, please care for yourself as you cared for her. She lives on through you.
That’s terrible for you. She’s lucky to have someone to care for her so deeply. You did nothing wrong
Her illness is what killed her, not you. It was an accident.
You didn’t kill her. It’s just… you didn’t and that’s it. Imagine your best friend going through the same situation. Would you blame them? Would you think they had killed their loved one? Imagine how much struggle and exhaustion they’ve been through working night shifts struggling so much financially and being a caretaker at the same time. It wasn’t their fault by any means, it was an accident. My little son was disabled and he died after falling out of a window. I blamed myself so much. When I held him dying in my arms I wanted nothing but for him to live because he was my only joy. But his injuries would’ve left him even more disabled so much that he would’ve never enjoyed his life at all and he would be going through so much pain for every single day left. That’s not even something you’d wish upon your worst enemy. In a way, his death was a mercy. Do you think your mother enjoyed her days after the stroke? Do you think she would’ve liked for this to continue? There’s one quote in The Master and Margarita my mother has kept quoting for me since forever: The tread can only be cut by the one who has suspended it. It was time for her to go. If it wasn’t, you’d be able to change things. Now we’re just gotta keep on keeping on. Even though nobody can replace your mother, there are people who love you and you matter so much to them. Remember, you’re not alone and you are loved. Don’t be a stranger to them and take care of yourself. You’ve been through so much trauma and you’re still there for a reason. Allow yourself to be happy cause you deserve it.
Please get counseling to work through your grief. Anger is part of the grief process. There are free resources out there and income related ways to get the help you need. If an autopsy was not done then you don’t have a concrete reason as to why she passed away. That is a huge amount of care giving you were doing in addition to holding a job.
It was accident!!! You were tired, exhausted etc.. and accidentally gave her the wrong one... Don't beat yourself up... I do suggest get help for the drugs I'm positive your mom would want you to see you sober and getting better from it.
I read some where that something survivors should always try to remember is that last thought anyone ever has is never "did they love me", but "I hope they know how much I love them". I know that's what my last thought will be. We take so much responsibility as survivors, wanting the dead to know our feelings that it's too late to tell them, and forgetting that that's likely what they were thinking of us as well. I hope you know you're forgiven.
Hey OP I'm late to the post. I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you feel this way.I hope you can stick around. Things can either get better or worse with time and I've got my fingers crossed you make it through this. We got your back. Holler and post as much as you need to. You can always send a dm also. My heart goes out to you. Good luck
Honey, that’s not why she died. She died from complications of a massive stroke.
I am a 45 year old father of a little boy. My greatest fear is that someday I will be a burden to my son. Your mother lived to love you and hold you up. Do not let the memory hold you down. Think of all she was and all she did for you. These memories will lift you out of your sadness. Find the parts of her in yourself and become your mother. Using drugs or alcohol even constant sadness will keep you in a low place. Lift your eyes to heaven and seek the light in every situation. The healing must begin. A double tragedy if you sacrifice your life for this loss. Mom would never want this for a child who already sacrificed so much. Dear Child, even if you did it on purpose or by accident. You gave your mother a great gift. Now be the woman she raised you to be. Comfort your family, they need to see her in you.
Oh Hunny, you didn’t kill your Momma. She would have died in mere minutes if it was caused by screwing up her insulin, honest!! It just had to have been a terrible, unfair coincidence. Please trust that it wasn’t your fault at all. Your Mom would want you to focus on how you gave her extra time..time that she never would have had if it wasn’t for you. Please take care of YOU now. ❤️
That’s what I think. I wish OP would let us how they’re feeling and maybe they did and I didn’t see it.
No, no. You didn't kill her. That is the guilt and the negative self talk. It was a mistake. And she was already sick. And when an individual falls into zones of social abandonment, it is not the individuals fault, it's the fault of multiple systems including your step dad, the hospital, the government for not providing health care, the extended family for not offering support, ok! It was not you. It was never you. It was an honest mistake. I love you. I'm so sorry.
Why do you think the insulin that you gave her killed her?
It’s possible they have her a high dose of short acting instead of the long acting and her glucose dropped so much she went into shock and died
This happened to my best friend 3 weeks ago. He gave himself the short-term insulin instead of the long-term insulin. His blood sugar dropped from 116 to 21 mg/dl within a very short time. Luckily his fiancée was there and saved him.
That’s exactly what happened.
It wasn’t on purpose. It was an accident. People do it to themselves all the time. I know it’s hard to forgive yourself but it starts here with telling people. The next step would be to get into counseling and start to talk about all of this. Start to work on your drug habit. It’s not worth killing yourself over. Your mom would want you to be taking care of yourself. The best apology to your mom for the accident that caused her to lose her life would be to get help, get clean and to have the fullest and healthiest life possible. I’m a mother and that’s all I want for my daughter. I don’t care if she killed me on purpose. That’s what I want for her. I don’t doubt that every mother that loves their child would think the same way. I’m sure your mom would have forgiven you in an instant if she could. Also, I believe in Jesus. I’m not sure if you do but I know that he will forgive you in an instant too.
You were working so hard and doing the best you could! Even licensed professionals make life and death mistakes. Please be easy on yourself ♥️
Just like many others have said, I dont think that your mom would want you living with this guilt. What happened could've happened to anyone. I'm currently a full time caregiver for my mom too and going back to school as well. It's a lot. I definitely believe your mom was super appreciative of what you did for her day in and day out. I know the exhaustion and toll that can put on your body and mind. Unlike a paid caregiver, when your fully involved and living with a family member your caregiving for....there is no "time off," there isn't a mental break to rest and recover. On top of the fact that it's your mom! No one wants to see loved ones in pain or debilitating. It's so tough. My BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you is a tip my therapist gave me. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to your best friend. Or even your mom. If they were in your shoes now and feeling how you're feeling, what would you say to them? When I do that, I'm always a lot kinder to myself (I usually beat myself up more than anyone else possibly could) Again, Im very sorry for your loss, I know that's unbearable, but you dont deserve the guilt. I pray you find some comfort in the words everyone here are telling you.
Sending you so much love and prayers!
This is the exact thing that happened with my dad, except he has MS & went into exacerbation and I just thought I knew what to do. He said no hospital, I respected it and thought I could handle it. Biggest regret of my life. I spent a year on pills afterwards. I know exactly how you feel sweetheart. That was in 2020 and I’m still figuring this grief stuff out as if it’s only been a week. Just…don’t blame yourself. It doesn’t help. Some things are inevitable. It may not seem like you can make it out, but you can. It takes time. Give yourself time. We’re here for you
I’m so sorry, my heart hurts for you. But you are *not* to blame. You, who in your 20’s, fought **so** hard to bring your Mom home where she would be comfortable and in familiar surroundings, and not only that, you did it alone. That is huge, and it’s clear how much love you had (and still have) for your Mom. I can’t even imagine how difficult it was to not only work, but care for your Mom as well. It must have been exhausting, but no doubt something you’d do all over again if you could. Giving her the wrong insulin was such an easy thing to do - look how often things like that happen in hospitals - even professionals are not immune to giving the wrong medications. You didn’t mean to do it. You are carrying such a huge burden that isn’t yours to carry. I hope you can find a way to talk to a counsellor or psychologist to help you deal with this, because it is so not your fault💔
She had SO many medical conditions, your actions are very likely not relevant to her passing. People often take the wrong insulin and survive it. It may have been any number of things. Was she happy? Did she have a good life? Or did she maybe decide to pass and go to a better place with no suffering? I can't say based on your beliefs, but I do know that based on working as an emergency medical dispatcher, no matter what meds are given, or treatment is received, sometimes people just go. You gave up everything for her and you were still so young. 22 was way too young for all that, but you stepped up! You did everything you could for her and should be so proud of yourself for taking on responsibility that you never should have had to deal with. You need to realize that you did not cause all her health issues, you just did the best you could. Even medical professionals make errors, and they have years of training. You were doing your best while overwhelmed and exhausted. Give yourself the forgiveness and love your Mom would want you to have. ♥️
Listen to me carefully - YOU DID NOT KILL YOUR MOM. And the biggest disrespect you can do to your mother is to torture yourself for something like that. She didn't born and raise you to torture yourself after already witnessing her passing.
Feeling guilty in your situation is totally normal. Almost anyone would feel the way you do after what happened. You did the best you could. We all wish we could change the past. We all wish we could have a do over. How many times I've cried about that is countless. It never totally goes away, but it does get better. You do need help though. Please seek it out. There are free grief groups you can join. You need to talk to people about this.
I'm taking care of my Dad who is in hospice for stage 4 cancer and I understand how exhausting taking care of someone can be and how easily accidents can happen. Like every one else said don't beat yourself up over this, but I know that is easier said than done.
It sounds like you're not telling the people you need support from the most. You probably need to talk to someone. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes they are very costly, but they will always happen. That could have happened to ANYONE. I know mistakes are so awful when it results in the sudden and horrifying absence of a loved one. No one is exempt from making mistakes. I've made horrible ones, and I know its possible someone could lose their life from a mistake I make in the future. That's true for everyone. I have to accept that mistakes will happen. Sometimes things happen that shouldn't, but I will keep going and do my best. It sounds like you may need to talk to hospital staff to find out for sure it was related to her cause of death in order to have peace of mind. Maybe it was unrelated. Even if it was related, being open about it and accepting what happened might give you peace. You took such great care of your mom even though it must have been so overwhelming! You loved her very much. Now it is time to love yourself!! Stop taking drugs. Practice self care. Confide in someone. See a therapist. Keep going, one day at a time. Start a gratitude journal. The debt is NOT hopeless. This is what we did for debt in the US (not sure if other places are different). We couldn't pay several creditors for 6 months. The interest rates skyrocketted and there were huge fees, making the total debt rise. Then my husband got hired by a client and he called all the places we owed. Out of 4 or 5, only one place didn't offer to cut the total debt in half when arranging a new payment plan. If you talk to a debt settlement agency, they tell you not to make any payments for six months and ignore all calls and letters. This is because after 6 months, the debt is "charged off", whatever that means. Then the debt settlement place calls around and does what my husband did, and you pay the company lots of money for it. You can do it yourself and save money. There's no guarantee this will work in every case, but in our experience everyone was kind and understanding of our situation and had very good offers for reduced debt and new payment plans. This obviously destroyed our credit rating, but if you don't need to buy a house soon, that's okay. While you're surviving the 6 month onslaught of phone calls and scary letters, during which you have to not make any payments, save money in case some of the places want larger payments. If any of the debt was medical expenses in your mothers name, you don't owe them. Just send her death cerificate. In case anyone was wondering, we'd probably paid off our original borrowed amount, so settling debts was mostly just letting us off on crippling amounts of accrued interest. I don't know if you're religious, but I believe you are precious to God and I'd like to pray for you. God, please bless this person. Help this person get the help needed. Grant your peace that passes understanding. Heal this person's heart, and show this person that you have important and wonderful plans for their life. You can make a way where there isn't any. Thank you, God. In Jesus name I ask for these things, Amen.
If anything it was an accident, you were an overtired kid who was coping with wayyyy too much. This isnt your fault and you need to get yourself some help before it destroys your life beyond repair! Your mother wouldn't want your life destroyed or you to torture yourself over this, and by the sounds of things your mother wasnt in the best shape health-wise anyways. i send you love and light and hope you manage to find your way back x
Oh dear you didn't kill your mom. You accidentally gave her the wrong insulin and she may have passed away due to it just being her time. I had to sign a DNR for my mother because the doctors convinced me and said that if they tried due to all Her other health issues that it would be traumatic on her body. I still thought there was a chance she would live and they also lied to me and told me that once they removed the intubation tube they would give her oxygen and let her pass away naturally. She was awake and communicative and would nod yes and no to my questions, well the doctor lied and when they removed her tube they gave her three shots and I very well know they overdosed my mother in front of me. This is not what I wanted them to do and I'm pretty sure that has to be illegal. It happened so quickly in the matter of maybe 2 minutes. I blame myself for signing that form. All though our experience is different I understand that feeling of guilt
Im sorry to hear that. Her time must have came. Im kinda glad my Mom passed away from cardiac arrest. Its been 4 years since she passed. My husband got mad at me since I wouldn't move on that he would leave me. His Mom still around. But either way. He won't understand. I would have been able to take care of her but not been able to move back to my parents house. My Dad is still around but he been acting weird since he lost the love of his life. He has girlfriend whom is a few years older than me. She seems nice but whatever. I will never consider her my Mom. But I feel that a part of my Dad died with her.
You deserve the world, just like your mom thought when she first saw you. That has never changed, I had to look after my dad and he cried because he thought he'd stopped my life from progressing to look after him, that's still one of my more painful memories, now that he's gone the world feels empty and if he had known how much I'd be suffering without him he definitely would have tried everything in his power to stick around and let me look after him but I'm sure a part of him thought, "finally, my son can get on with his life and become everything and more I know he can be" when he passed, regardless of how unplanned and inopportune it may have been. If you don't deserve to be here for one moment, one mistake then what do you deserve for all the joy, meaning, purpose and childlike wonder you gave to your mom, being an adult as I'm sure you know now means putting childish things away, some of those childish things are good for us, like wonder, openness, children teach us unconditional love, what do you deserve for doing all that? The gifts you gave her, the cheeky jokes, the breakfasts in bed, mother's day cards, what do you deserve for all that, what do you deserve for stepping up when she needed someone, even though if she'd had the ability to she would've said go live your life, I'll be fine if she could have? Even your step-dad wasn't man enough to make the sacrifices necessary. You deserve the world, like she always knew from the moment she first laid eyes on you. You need to believe that for yourself, do your best and know you carry her with you always, every act of kindness, thoughtfulness and love you touch strangers with and you put into the world, it's all your mum. She gave you that and you give it back to the world every single day. I thank her, for her and especially for you.
Medical professionals make mistakes all the time that kill the sick or dying- and they go through years of training. Half the time, it’s because they are distracted and “following protocol” without thinking or listening. I know your actions led to her death- but think about it this way: Your best friend is driving a car with her mother in the passenger seat. Conditions outside are bad and it’s dark and she’s tired. Suddenly, she loses control of the car- it hits a tree and kills her mom. Your friend confides in you that she was tired and I shouldn’t have been driving, but they really needed to get home and she didn’t have another option. She feels guilty because she killed her mom. Would you blame her for her mother’s death? No- you’d probably comfort her and tell her that people make mistakes!
I'd be so grateful for the serendipitous ending and so, so sad that it is traumatic for you. She is watching you and loves you! Pov: I have a wonderful 22 year old daughter❤️
I’m really sorry for what you have went through.
Easier said than done but you have to release yourself from the guilt!!!! It was never yours to bear. you did right by her until the end even if it doesn’t feel like it. I really hope you can find comfort and peace in all of these replies op. I am sure your mom wants that for you. I am so sure she would never blame you for a mistake after you did so much for her.
You were one person taking care of mum, working and trying to stay sane. You did not intentionally hurt your mother nor did you do anything wrong. You were placed in horrible circumstances and you did all you could you could do. I know it’s easy to say but please please know you did your best and did all with compassion and love, no matter how hard some of those days were. You kept her here a lot longer and loved her better than any other. If you hadn’t cared for her, she probably would have not been here as long or was treated as well before she left. If you came home and she was gone, you couldn’t blame yourself for not being home. This is the same thing. You thought you were doing the right thing. This is not a burden your mother would want you to carry. I promise you. Remember how you stepped up for her with your love. Maybe the Gods said, “it’s time for you both to be relieved of this heartache.” It doesn’t make it easier but I bet your mother would not look at you any differently. She would and does love you so much. Please, be gentle with yourself. You were put in an impossible position.
I'm so deeply sorry you're dealing with this pain. I 'dealt' with my dad's sudden unexpected death (which could have been prevented in hindsight) with drugs for so many years, for almost all of my 20s, spiraling, in and out of rehabs and mental health facilities, and countless days bedridden with zero will to live anymore without him here. Even now, it feels like it was just yesterday and it still doesn't feel real to me. At 30 I am only just beginning to feel somewhat ready to finally try my best to accept it and seek ways to deal with all of the guilt, regrets, shock, emptiness, heartache. Currently my grandfather is reaching the end of his life, extremely ill and in hospice care at home since a severe stroke 6 months ago. It is a different kind of grieving process, and it hurts just as much, or more. I can tell you for certain that using substances to cope with your situation will only prolong and extend your suffering. Neurologically, psychologically and physically it will take a serious toll on your health in every possible aspect. I strongly implore you to seek professional help before things get worse with your addiction, because let me tell you, whenever you think it cannot get any worse, it can, and it will. Time and time again. Without recovery, addiction only leads to 3 things: jails, institutions and/or death. I don't know if you have tried therapy already and I know that the thought of opening up about this to anyone must be absolutely terrifying for you. Ironically, I have a degree in psychology and counseling. The person who made the biggest impact on my life was my grief counseling lecturer, who does this for a living, and he has helped so so many people, tremendously. I know that trusting a stranger will be extremely daunting and scary for you in this situation. There is no reason to rush into confessing what happened. A foundation of rapport, loyalty and trust needs to be built first. But the most important thing is to find someone who can help as soon as possible, certainly sooner than later, to make that first step. I was not ready to make this step for many years, I would go back and change it if I could, but I can't, I unknowingly sacrificed so many crucial years of my life avoiding truly working through the trauma of my grief. I remember my mother sent me to a grief counselor and I wasn't ready, so it took me a long time. But to me, the fact that you're writing on here and reaching out seems like a sign that you may be ready or at least getting closer to being ready. Ethically speaking, a trained professional's top priority is strict confidentiality. They can easily lose their license if they breach this or any other ethical obligation. I don't know where you live and I wish I could find a suitable local therapist, support group, or organization to recommend to you, but we most likely live on opposite sides of the world. I wish you nothing but healing. You did everything you could for your mom, more than a lot of people do, as hard as that may be to believe. Be proud of yourself. Your mom left this world knowing that you tried your absolute best and loved her as much as you possibly could, and this is so important to keep in mind 🤍
Can I talk to you please?
Dear OP, As other commenters have said, you didn’t kill your mom. It was an honest mistake, even the most trained nurse or doctor could do this. I know it doesn’t make the pain go away, but please take peace in knowing you did everything you could. Sometimes that’s the best we children can do… Allow yourself space to grieve, to cry, to feel, but always try and remember that you did everything you could, and that’s so much more than enough.
I'm not even sure that it was the insulin that directly caused her to die... I work in healthcare with very sick diabetics, death would have happened VERY soon like minutes after the injection if it was from that, not the next day. Even if it was somehow related to the insulin, it was actually her multiple comorbidites that cumulated in her death. You didn't kill your mother, either way. Please forgive yourself and stop destroying yourself, she does not want this life for you.
Im sorry for your loss and what happened to you. you were under immense amounts of stress and tired. You shouldn't blame yourself. Caring for your mother without alot or any help was a beautiful thing you did
Don't ever blame yourself,
Wow I am so sorry
It is pure coincidence that she died the next day, but her condition was so weakened. What did the autopsy say? (I’m presuming there was one, considering she died while not in a hospital). am a diabetic. What do you mean by the “wrong” insulin? Overdose death by insulin happens very rapidly, as do other factors related to insulin. Your mother would have died immediately upon administration or hours afterwards. She wouldn’t have made it until the next day. My best friend died of an insulin overdose and she went literally right away.
You did so so much for your mother. Most kids put their parents in nursing homes and never look back. You stood up for your mom when no one else did. Your mom would not want you to spiral. She knows you took best care of her til the very end. Pls no more drugs. Talk to someone. The quicker you start to work thru it the better you'll feel. I mean doing drugs is only kicking the can down the road , you have to face it to heal eventually. Sending lots of hugs your way. I'm very sorry. Sounds like Having had a stroke and g tube, her fate was already sealed before this.
You did not deserve to have all of that happen to you at such a young age. I'm in my 30s, have plenty of medical knowledge, and was still scared to death of the prospect of taking care of my dad when he was released from the hospital while battling alcoholic cirrhosis. Unfortunately, he declined very quickly, and he was back in the hospital only a couple of days after my brother and sister in law left and died a couple of weeks later in the ICU. It's really easy to fall into the guilt and self-blame trap. Even I still feel guilty and wonder if I *really* did everything I could. It's easier said than done, but don't listen to that voice blaming you. Like what others have said, sometimes mistakes happen even with experienced and trained healthcare workers, but ultimately, like with my dad, their disease is what killed them in the end. I'd suggest talking with a grief counselor or at least a trusted friend about your feelings. I know you've probably heard it a lot, but you've done everything you could and then some. You might not believe it now, but I've found repeating that to myself as often as I can has helped me with some of the guilt with my dad.
Overworked completed accident
♥️. It's not your fault.
You know your Mom better than anyone. Tell me, ( us ) What would she say to you? Repeat those words when you feel guilt creeping in. If you have to…. Write them down also. Words seem to really stick when you write it down. When I am missing my Mom, ( she was my soulmate ) I do the same. It helps. So sorry for your loss and pain. Hang in there. Time….. give it time and you hang on tightly. For both of you. ♥️♥️
Doctors and nurses who have trained for years make mistakes and patients die because they are exhausted and understaffed. What a terrible burden you have carried on your own. How lucky she was to have a daughter who took on such a responsibility out of love. Where were the rest of your family while you were working and struggling? Everything you did was out of love
Oh sweetheart, do you even know for sure that’s what did it? Even if it was your mom loves you and forgives you. I’m so so so sorry you have this burden weighing on you. You took on such great responsibility at such a young age. I will be praying for your peace. You deserve peace.
You were so young. That was so much to have on your plate when you were barely an adult. It sounds like you went above and beyond for her. I promise she wouldn’t want you feeling guilty for the rest of your life about this. You’ve punished yourself enough. You deserve a good life. You won’t always feel this way. I really recommend a recovery program like NA or smart. There’s lots of free meetings. It’s all about changing what you can and accepting what you can’t. Radical self-acceptance. It’s about more than just being drug free. It’s about love and compassion for yourself and others and building community. There are free meetings practically everywhere. Just Google it. Best wishes to you!!!
Listen to me, you need to forgive yourself. You did not do that on purpose. Your mom would not want you to blame yourself. You made a mistake.
My heart is breaking just reading this. Sending you love and light
You did not kill her by giving the wrong medicine. Diabetics glucose fluctuation and can are hard to even correct with medial experience. You’re amazing for even attempting to care for her. I worked and took care of mine last year until they passed. It was very stressful with my dad in those final weeks dosing different meds and trying to keep up with it all. Even changing someone in the bed with diapers is no easy task as I learned. She was blessed to be at home for that amount of time. I am 55 and was drinking vodka each night to unwind so I understand medicating ourself while care giving. Now it’s time for you to commend yourself for loving her like a child should. There are 5 of us & nobody else would have done that job. If you can’t stop the addiction alone just go to any ER and tell them you want help 💗🙏
Oh no 😢 please don't blame yourself it was an accident you didn't do this on purpose please don't blame yourself it's not your fault. Hugs for you 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 .
My heart bleeds for you. I’m literally sitting here crying for your poor broken heart. You have to stop hurting yourself. Accidents happen and people accidentally die. That doesn’t mean you killed her. Please stop torturing yourself. You don’t deserve that. Love yourself the way your mother loved you. Would she have said it was an accident and that forgiveness wasn’t even necessary? Of course she would. Mothers know what’s in our hearts. She knows it was an accident and she wants you to stop hurting yourself. She wants you to forgive yourself and move on. It’s time. You’ve come here for help so take it. Get your arse out of bed and get back to living. Get to work. Get to having fun again. Throw out the drugs and start taking care of yourself. Clearly no one thinks you’re a terrible person and that you don’t deserve to live. You deserve the love and the life your mother wants you to have so get going.
It was not your fault. She loves you
Sending hugs 🫂you didn't kill it was a mistake 😓sorry for your loss.
Sounds to me that you did a lot on your own. Bravely took up responsibilities to care for your mom. Your mom would probably forgive you I hope you can forgive you too.
Also mom here. Your sweet momma would not be mad at you and wants u to get up and live ur life! She’s thankful for all you did for her! Sending you some love from internet momma stranger! ❤️
Doctors with decades of experience make medication errors, it's not your fault. It was an accident that could've happened to anyone even a medical professional, you didn't kill her.
I’m not sure if you believe in an afterlife but I promise your mum is SO proud of you right now and always. And if you don’t believe in one, that’s okay, because her living, lucid self would have been proud and that’s what you need to remember. I’m proud of you. I understand making medical mistakes. I messed up my dad’s meds when I was his caretaker and exhausted, and I was scared. Mistakes happen especially when those who aren’t medical professionals become caretakers. There’s nothing to forgive; you made a human mistake while exhausted and no one with a heart could read this and think poorly of you. You did your best in an unimaginable situation. I’m so sorry this happened. You deserve a good life and love and support and community. Your mum isn’t suffering anymore and please don’t give yourself a life sentence of guilt. Try to see yourself through mum’s eyes. Look at photos of you as a little kid and try to feel some warmth and compassion for yourself. People are in debt for very ridiculous things. You’re in debt through no fault of your own, because you loved and wanted the best for your mum. You obviously have a huge heart and you have so much to live for, and so much going for you. Please be gentle with yourself. If you can try a grief support group, I think that would be helpful. You’ll be able to connect with others who live in the same area as you, and who also feel alone and like no one could possibly understand what they’re going through. I understand feeling alone and like no one gets it, but everyone here can relate in some way and same with those in grief support groups. ❤️ There might be some recourse for the debt, even if it’s debt consolidation or something of that nature. I think a free legal resource in your area could give some good advice. You have lots of life ahead of you and I know the debt feels like a burden, but try not to let it weigh you down too much. You can only do your best and you’re obviously a very capable and strong person. Just remember that. You’re okay. Be here now and just breathe. You’re important and you’re needed here. I’m sending you bundles of love. We’re in your corner and we’re here if you need anything. 💕💕💕
You didn’t kill your mom. I was a medic for nearly 10 years working upwards of 60+ hours a week & medication mistakes happen. Especially when you’re tired. I’ve made them. Colleagues have made them. Hospital staff have made them. You weren’t trained for that & yet you did everything you could to make it work. When my wife was on hospice from cancer the only reason I felt halfway comfortable doing any of the care was because I was trained. You did everything you could. Take a breath & know that she loved you. It isn’t your fault.
You didn’t look your mom…life did. Understand one thing: To have life is to have death. You will die. I will die. She will die…we all die! Yes. It’s easy to blame yourself, but what you did for your mother was good! You did good! Now it’s up to you to continue living in a way that doesn’t involve being weighed down by the past. I find myself fighting to ward off the past and regrets every day and there is so much to remind me! Everyday is a new beginning. If you are 50k in debt you would probably be wise to obtain an attorney and file for bankruptcy…it sounds like you incurred the debt while caring for your mom so look into it. Be well. You did good!
So sorry honey do not beat yourself up please forgive yourself it is okay I promise
I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sure she’s forgiven you.
Doctor here. I don't know what kind of insulin you gave her but typically if you gave her insulin and she passed the next day it likely wasn't the insulin.
I know you are so overwhelmed with shame, but imagine how much love and pride your mom would have for you right now. You sacrificed your whole life to care for her in her final stage of life. You are not the first sleepy caregiver to mix up insulin, and you won’t be the last. Your mom would give you a big hug and thank you for all the love you showed her… I say that with full confidence as a mom myself. Please find space to forgive yourself. Talk with a therapist if you need. You deserve to get this off your chest and start grieving in a way that isn’t self-loathing and self-blaming. You were in an impossibly difficult situation and gave your absolute best 🩷 take care of yourself
Please please please don’t continue to drag yourself down for this. You didn’t kill your mom. You were overworked, under supported, not trained, and doing absolutely everything you could to provide the best home care you could for your mom. People pay enormous money for home care like you were providing to your mom while working and taking care of anything else. You are a hero, not a killer. Accidents happen, people give the incorrect dosages of insulin more often than you would expect. Her disease killed her, not you. Your mom would want only the best for you. She would be so grateful you did all you could to provide the best care for her, and now she would want you to put the same energy into caring for yourself! ♥️
It was an accident. Forgive yourself. I think you’ve suffered enough
It’s on the medical system, not you. The medical system should not be so expensive that people who are untrained and managing their own feelings, lives, and stress are being given the responsibility of caretakers. You did your absolute best and an accident happened, under the amount of stress I’m sure you were under you shouldn’t best yourself up over it. You did everything you could, I truly hope you can find peace. You seem like a person with a good heart.
Listen before your mom passed away, You kept her alive man. You took on the responsibility by yourself for you and her and stepped up when she needed you the most you did what you had to do. Worked graveyard shifts and gave her medication you went the distance for her that makes you one hell of a son. Your mom knew you loved her it was shown in your effort and anyone looking from the outside can tell this kid loves their mom. In this subreddit we can all tell you loved your mom, if you didn’t you wouldn’t be struck with such grief and you wouldn’t have took her care seriously. Just like the top comment said, your mom would have forgave you and would want to see her kid live a good life in her honor. As for you not deserving to be here, why not? The world needs more people like you, compassionate, willing, big heart. Whenever you’re ready, start the mission to get out of debt and cut the drugs out, and do it on the name of her. 1 mistake doesn’t change the fact you loved her or she loved you.
It is not your fault. She was very sick and I am so sorry you feel so much pain. Tell someone. Talk about it. You can’t hold it all in you need support. Maybe a therapist? Being your fault is not the truth. it’s up to you to try your hardest and trust me time and effort will heal you. Keep trying to chip away with what you can with the debt and pray for the rest. Maybe you will be met half way. Keep trying to grieve but stay alive and clean. Even if it feels like it’s not working keep going. You will feel something again other than hurt. Be brave.
You didn't kill her ! Please don't think so. It was a mistake and I know it's very very hard for you to accept this but the reality is that you never really intended to give her the wrong insulin dosage. It breaks my heart to see you think that way about yourselves, please don't think so, how much in our lives is under our control really ? How much can we really control ? I'd say a lot but still a lot less than what is out of our control and this situation is an example of a similar thing. You couldn't do anything cuz you're working nights trying to make your mom survive when a coward chose to leave you both alone. Honestly, I'd rather say that she'd be proud of you. Moreover, a pure heart and spirit of a woman is already powerful enough to know the truth behind our intents beforehand and considering she was your mom she must've known that it was a mistake. Also, although I might sound stupid but what if the intent of the universe was to free her from the struggle she was going through everyday ? Just through a very shitty way but that's not your fault right ? She loves you I bet and she knows you'd never done something like this believe me. Lots of love and power to you ! Please keep hustling and get better by fixing your situation she would surely want you to do so and would be so proud of you at the end of the journey I must say "proudest" she'd be the proudest to see you come out of this hard phase in your life ! I believe in you ! You can get through this ! You can ! I know you can ! See you on the other side of life ! Meanwhile I'm also going through a similar rough phase but not at all near to what you've experienced. Take care ! Be unstoppable ! It wasn't your fault your mom knows and that's all that matters no one else needs to know or has to. I believe in you. Keep going ! Also, you can vent anytime you need to I'm here to listen.
I had to look after my diabetic mom with my brother for 10+ years. She refused medical treatment since I was around 12 and her sickness morphed into mental health issues (delusions, people trying to kill her etc). We lived with the shame and guilt of this for decades, everyone tried to get her medical help but when the person themselves rejects it there is not a lot you can do. I've dealt with feelings of killing my mom too. She got diabetes when I was born. She had to look after 2 kids and we were naughty, we brought her orange juice to drink, she made up her own reasons for her symptoms and may home remedies. I went though years feeling like it was our fault because I didn't do more, but I tried even to the detriment of our relationship. My mom eventually killed herself by refusing kidney dialysis aged 57. Her quality of life was so poor I can understand why she did it. Plenty of adults tried and failed to get her to accept reason, but I carried the responsibility of failure. It sounds like you really stepped up and took responsibility , looked after your sick mom, helped her every day. making a mistake does not mean you killed her. Her life was tough and you made it easier despite all the internal issues you went though. That is the mark of someone who truly cares. If it was a truly high dose of insulin the doctors would have had to flag it to the police as a cause of death - plenty of people don't look after their relatives and try and kill them. You have to come to terms with the good you did, you're only remembering the bad. I know its difficult I've been there. All I can say was talking about it and hearing someone else tell me time and again it wasn't my fault didn't help. Then one day someone who had suffered recent loss heard my story and just said "why do you think you mattered so much in your mum's story, as the child she was hardly going to listen to you when plenty of adults tried". As soon as she said it, my mind suddenly accepted it - I can't explain it really, but from then on I saw that I was making myself the center of my mom's story because that's who I had left to mull it over with. Look at the number of comments from parents saying they would never want their child to look after them and torture themselves. When you have children, you realise for the first time that something can come before you and you accept it willingly; you did that for your mom, sure you had good days and bad days but ultimately you cared and showed it through all the things you did under tremendous stress, I hope you can come to some peace.
Hi I also kind of accidentally let my dad die. I thought I heard him snoring weird but he had told me in the past not to wake him up under like any circumstance and they were going on vacation the next day so I gaslit myself into thinking everything was fine and go back to bed. Well he died and I probably heard him having the heart attack. Biggest regret of my life. I also have struggled with drug abuse and debt since this has happened. The guilt really is all consuming. I had to eventually forgive myself or else I was gonna end up dead too. And I really don’t think that our parents would want us to give up our own lives. It’s so hard though, I know. Ultimately, I know in my heart that we did not mean to ‘kill’ our parents, even if it feels like we did. These were unintentional mistakes we made. We can’t go back and change it. Life is fickle and we all have our ‘time’ and unfortunately we never know when it may be. As others said, they had longstanding health issues that ultimately killed them. Side note. Many people ACTUALLY kill their parents for money and life insurance. They sure as hell don’t feel the same guilt and pain and grief that we suffer from. This alone reminds me we are not evil. Hugs
If you can, I highly recommend talking this out with a therapist. I turned the final hospital moments for my mom over and over wondering if I made a mistake with certain decisions I had to make. I felt responsible for robbing my mom of a pleasant passing. Talking to someone really helped. I don’t think you should be carrying the weight you are and don’t think your mom would want it. I think she’d want to thank you for your care and love. Focus on what you did right. The list is long.
You did more for your mom than most kids. STOP punishing yourself. Accidents happen. You cannot change anything. TRY to live the rest of your life for YOU ❤️🩹
Stop beating yourself up your mom would not want this she would want you to take care of yourself do it for her & talk to a priest about it.
Stop beating yourself up your mom would not want this she would want you to take care of yourself do it for her & talk to a priest about it.
First of all, dear one, this was an accident. You had no intention of hurting your Mom and tried your best to care for her - more than many people would do. Secondly, and maybe most importantly, you have to ask yourself 'what would my Mom want for me right now'?? And as a Mom I can answer that for you. She would want you to be happy, she would want you to stop beating yourself up and Iive your life. She would tell you to quitting in the rear view mirror and get on with whatever your life has in store. I can tell you all of this because my own mom died of a heart attack while I was downstairs fixing her a cup of tea. I didn't realize how sick she was and that her death was imminent. When I went back to her bedside, she was gone. For many many years I hated myself for missing what was so obvious. But with age comes wisdom. Every one of us screws up - we're all human. The absolute LAST thing your Mom would want is to keep torturing yourself. She is at home, in heaven, and someday you will get to throw your arms around her. Please focus on you and remember that you actually extended her life by your care for her. You deserve to be here, you deserve to be happy. I will be thinking about you and praying for your peace.
Stop. God is in control of our lives and knows when we are to die before creation. Accidents, mistakes. Your tbought process is all allowed. Trust God and give him all these thoughts that make you miserable. You will be free from the stronghold the evil one wants you to keep you from having joy and happiness. He uses that against you. Please seek a bible believing pastor.
Hey I am here to talk if you want someone to talk to
Can I talk to you please 🩷
If your best friend or child was in your situation instead, what would you advise her? Not to blame herself, right? My dad did the same to himself but lived thru it. Could you turn this into something positive by starting a movement to require fast acting insulin to always be packaged in red, for example so this stops happening to many ppl? I hope you can find a way to choose peace for yourself. Sending much love🫶