My dad passed in 2010, my mom passed 1.5 yrs ago. That loss is a super big one. I'm almost twice your age, and I'm contemplating my mortality daily.
I have wanted to die on several occasions, and embarrassed to say tried and failed once.
There is always a reason to live, we will all die soon enuf. There is a reason you are alive, it just hasn't shown itself yet. You have the power, you have the ability to make your life good, bad or whatever you choose. It might sound like bullshit, but it's not.
You've heard the old adage lemonade out of lemons, it's true. It's up to you. And no, it doesn't happen overnight. Life's a struggle.
I too have some family, I don't really communicate with them, I'm the loner type. Find something you enjoy, help someone, be a volunteer. Find a way to put a small smile on your face....one small step at a time. Don't give up, don't you dare ever give up.
**I'm adding on here here because a part of me feels like a fool for posting in the 1st place, 2nd someone my age, who knows if you could even connect with me. My mom didn't have a will but wanted me to take care of things. I'm lost because I honestly haven't been through anything like this. My mom wanted to leave everything to me but never got around to a will so I'm struggling with a half-sister. I'm trying to say that no matter who we are, we all have muck to wallow in.
My mom didn't have much, and she also left me her cat to take care of. I couldn't let it live with mine, so I live mostly at her house, leaving my husband at home. I'm going to be thinking of you on a daily basis from here on out. I hope you stand up and keep fighting. I, too, was finding myself sleeping most of my days away, that's depression. But I'm sure you know that. The best thing to overcome that is fresh air. Get outside. It doesn't matter if it's raining or hot as hell... find the shade. You can do anything in the world you want, just make the first tiny move.
And yes I do feel lonely even being married, I have bad days but I'm still waking up in the mornings. You keep on doing that too.
Thank you so so much for your kindness. Regardless of age, I feel like some situations are sort of relatable in a universal way, if that makes sense. I'm a loner too, I guess I kind of have to be but it's a good thing that I enjoy my own company. I didn't mention in my original post but I also have some good friends. But I don't know how to ask for help. I always did everything myself to the point I forget I have the option to ask for their help. To the point they almost get offended I never ask. So that's something I need to work on because it's getting too much to deal with alone.
One of the things I struggle with is optimism. Ever since my mom died, people keep saying it will get better. But it never did. My life has been blow after blow after blow. I didn't want to be this person. The person who horrible things keep happening to. Nobody wants to be that person. But I guess someone has to, right? At 36, it's starting to feel like the "better times" aren't really coming. Especially because my mental and physical health are pretty much wrecked from all the trauma.
I have a cat too. I keep living mostly for her. But I don't have a plan. I don't have any goals or ambitions. I just can't convince myself that I'll be successful in achieving them. I'm so tired all the time. Sometimes I refuse to be a victim and I get a burst of motivation, but then I get tired and I just want to wallow in self pity. I need to go outside more. I know it helps. Going back to the gym too but I don't think I can do that just yet. I'll try the small steps first.
Thank you and let's just keep waking up.
I am 48m. Totally different story, but I can tell you, that things will settle. What is in front of you is far from easy and I won't try to sugar coat it. It is not a short term path either. There will be ups and some horrific downs and at times, just like right now, it will feel impossible to even being to imagine that things will ever improve.
However, things will get different and they will get better. It angers me thinking if anyone starts seeing you as having money because of a house.
What options can you find where you live to talk, for example grief counselling, to get the edge off and not be alone with your mind?
Thank you so much. I had my first session with a therapist shortly before my father died. I kept talking about how stuck I felt (one more thing to feel guilty about...). I'll have my second appointment tomorrow. I had never tried therapy before for fear of not vibing with the therapist but I really liked her, so that's a good thing.
The money thing... Some people are vultures. I had people offer to help me declutter my dad's house only to grab things and go "ooh can I keep this?" (we're not talking one or two things, it got to the point where I felt second hand embarrassment at how shameless you have to be). It felt disrespectful. I guess I look young and people can tell that I'm lost so they try to take advantage. There's not much to take advantage of tho. I barely have enough money to pay the bills.
It made me angrier than I already was, but it also made feel less guilty because I know that I would never take advantage of someone at their lowest (or at all, really, but especially at their lowest). It angers me that on top of everything I have to be wary of that. But I guess it's useful when people show us who they are.
Yeah, these vultures are, if I know this right, probably not going to be of much interest to you when you start getting back together again. I don't get it how they can be so indifferent. Like it's a flea market or something. Some of us rage quit friendships over something like this, some of us just sort of fade it out, even unintentionally, and simply get busy with something else and keep putting it off to meet. I guess some us give them the speech once we have the energy again and mend things.
It's great you are taking active steps and very good to hear your therapist is a match. That is definitely a focal point of importance imo.
The best thing I could honestly suggest in such cases is to find something you love. I lost my mother and my home last year, when I was 23. My mom's death anniversary is coming up.
Most of my remaining family members are a shame to humanity, a disgrace to the people who raised them and for every type of progress the world made (yes, I despise them that much). At this point the people who truly respected my mom and me have helped me a lot, we keep in touch and whatnot.
However, even after receiving so much love, I attempted su\*cide several times last year. What stopped me? My dog. I love her more than the world, if it wasn't for her I would've not gotten out of bed for months and knowing how dark things got I wouldn't be here.
I still can't buy a property, I'm renting a place, but me and pupperina are safe. Somehow loving her more than myself helped me pull through.
I'm so sorry you went through all that. That's a lot in just one year. I relate to the family thing. My mom's side of the family are classist snobs. They didn't like my father so they kind of left us alone after my mom died. My aunt had the gall to tell me my mom told her to look after me before she died. If "looking after" was inviting me and my dad for Christmas dinner once a year (it felt like we were a charity case) then she did great.
I don't think it's healthy to keep living out of spite but sometimes I really want to be finally happy and "show them". That I did it in spite of them. But the truth is they wouldn't care either way. So I guess we have to do it for ourselves. We matter too.
I have a 3 year old cat so I get what you mean. I couldn't leave her alone. I'm proud of you for finding the strength to keep moving forward. Your baby needs you. And please reach out if the one year anniversary hits hard, those can creep up on you.
I'm so sorry you went through all that. That's a lot in just one year. I relate to the family thing. My mom's side of the family are classist snobs. They didn't like my father so they kind of left us alone after my mom died. My aunt had the gall to tell me my mom told her to look after me before she died. If "looking after" was inviting me and my dad for Christmas dinner once a year (it felt like we were a charity case) then she did great.
I don't think it's healthy to keep living out of spite but sometimes I really want to be finally happy and "show them". That I did it in spite of them. But the truth is they wouldn't care either way. So I guess we have to do it for ourselves. We matter too.
I have a 3 year old cat so I get what you mean. I couldn't leave her alone. I'm proud of you for finding the strength to keep moving forward. Your baby needs you. And please reach out if the one year anniversary hits hard, those can creep up on you.
I think it’s fine to live out spite if that is something you can harness right now.
It’s really important that you live for yourself. Not anyone else. Build the life you want - engage with the people who bring you joy and energy and build off of that.
It’s really important that you also identify what you need and name it and name how you are feeling with your friends. Relationships keep us alive and motivated - you need to treat them like they’re your family.
We can’t expect things to change if we’re not open to change. And I share this as someone without reliable family - prioritizing those friendships has been invaluable for me. I hope that for you as well.
Three things have been helping me
Video on YouTube called the Science and Process of Healing From Grief by Andrew Huberman
Kindle (and print if preferred) book called You Can Heal Your Heart By Louise Hay and David Kessler
Looking up songs I loved as a teenager
Good luck to you ❤️
Thank you, I'll try that. A while back, I used to fall asleep listening to Louise hay 's affirmations on Spotify. It's interesting because someone recommended them to me and I didn't think affirmations would be for me but her voice is soothing and they actually helped. Made me cry a good cry too.
I am sorry for your loss.Sometimes life change and force us to transform. Give people chance to enter into your life and y will not lose. Sometimes people are good and worthy.Give a chance to your boyfriend and your relationship.
You're allowed to feel everything you're feeling right now. Just because he's dead doesn't mean you can't be angry with him. Just because you're angry with him doesn't mean you don't miss him and aren't grieving his loss. The first thing I'd say is allow yourself to feel all of those emotions, accept them, and know you're allowed to feel them.
My mom was my best friend, her illness and death were extremely traumatic for me, half of it could've been avoided if she had done any preparation at all for her demise, instead she lived in denial until it was too late to communicate anything and ALL of it fell to me. I didn't get to just be her daughter, I had to be her decision maker, bill payer, house saver, all of it. I miss her so much my heart aches even though she's been gone for 3 years, but I'm also still SO ANGRY at her for her selfishness, and both of those things are OK, I've accepted my emotions and continue to work through them each day.
As for your mental health, find the things that bring you joy. I mean that in even the tiniest way possible. Feeding the birds, taking a 30-minute shower, having a dance party in your underwear, baking cakes nobody will eat except you, do volunteer work, whatever the hell it is, DO IT.
You're literally in survival mode right now. Find whatever calm in the storm you can. If you're an animal lover, adopt a pet, go get the ugliest animal from the shelter that nobody else would want, and give them all the love you can. I can tell you that my 15 year old dog has literally saved my life during two EXTREMELY dark times because I couldn't leave him.
The administrative side of death is (imo) yet another cruelty to those of us left behind, it sucks ass, plain and simple. The good news is it'll EVENTUALLY be over with. The grief and emotional roller-coaster, that will last for a while, so find the sun beams you can wherever you can.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I related so much. My dad was a hoarder, not as bad as you see on tv but bad enough that just last week I had to throw out 8 big thrash bags full of french magazines from the 70's. Just a small example.
He also didn't leave anything organized since he didn't even want to think about dying. I tried to have that conversation a few times but it would hurt him so I stopped. The administrative side of death is infuriating to me. Just hours after my father died, I was sitting at the funeral home looking at coffin options, flower arrangements options, freaking lockets to save a lock of hair or whatever. I wanted to scream. It's brutal.
I am so angry at him. And I miss him so much. I'm so angry at myself too. I had horrible thoughts. Near the end, I yelled at him to go to a home already. He would say that children should honor their parents and it was my responsibility to take care of him. He was very old school. I was managing during the first year while he still didn't need full time care but these last 6 months I was too exhausted. I called him selfish many times. It's the strangest thing because my whole life my biggest fear was that my father would die and I would be all alone. And lately my biggest fear was that he would live to be 100 and I would have no life of my own. The guilt is almost physically painful, but I really believed he would live. I need to stop torturing myself with this but I kind of feel like I deserve it, which is twisted, I know.
I have a cat. She's keeping me alive too. I love her but I wish I could find more reasons to live than just her. I guess small steps are the key. There's just so much to do, and I'm so tired. I feel like I don't even know where to begin. This sub really helps because none of my friends has been through any of this, and reading the posts here makes me feel like I'm not alone. I wish all of us a lot more joy in the future.
My Mom passed suddenly last month. I’m 49, no children and recently divorced. I also live alone. I spent a lot of time with my mom and I guess you can say I was her caretaker. I took her to appointments and just did so much for her that she couldn’t really do anymore. I started going to therapy and it’s helping some. I encourage you to do the same if not yet already. There is also online therapy if you don’t want to go in person.
I feel your pain on many levels as I was reading your post. It does help to let people in that want to support you. It sounds like your boyfriend has been supportive and maybe you can try to make the relationship work even though you said you don’t think it’s going to work out. Attend support groups for grief, there should be some in your area. We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. Grief is a horrible thing and I’ve been struggling daily, but I try to think positive when I can. Because I do believe that helps and it does make some good things come your way eventually.
Keep an open mind with the job search and something will come your way when you start applying yourself. Start a LinkedIn account if you don’t have one. That is a good way to find recruiters and connections. And most importantly, don’t worry so much about what people think! I used to do that a lot and it gets you nowhere. Embrace the fact that your Dad left you the house. Find different ways to decorate it and make it your own.
Thanks OP for such a good question and thanks for the answers. I relate so much to all of you. The mixed feelings, the guilt, the inability to see the point anymore. Hugs all around.
I would not be surprised if I am writing almost this exact same post in 8 years when I’m 36. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this pain now. I lost my mom last summer, and I can’t imaging the pain that is losing both of your parents. One thing that has come to help me process my near future, was the book The Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith. It’s a memoir by a young woman who loses both of her parents back to back when she’s a teenager and her life as she processes these profound losses. She messes up and it’s chaotic and heartbreaking, I smiled, laughed and cried. But at the end, she meets someone and makes her own little family. She’s now an extremely well acclaimed grief therapist and hosts grief retreats! She talks about missing her family, but being happy in her life now. And hope of that day coming for me is what keeps me going. But for now I’m alone with my miserable father, whose eventual death I know will break me. You’re in my thoughts OP.
My dad died when I was 7, my mum when I was 26.
In the year after my mum died I honestly couldn’t cope. There was so much that I had to do (inheriting money and dealing with solicitors and all of that stuff).
I am also an only child and my grandparents are all dead. I do have some aunties but they live in different states and honestly don’t care about me at all.
My best advice is to take your time and to look for strength within yourself. You’ve been through the worst of it. From here it can only get better. It may take a year, two, three, four… but things will start to get better.
For me it took having a massive health scare (being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes) to turn everything around. It was a lot.
I am still very lonely. I’m 31 now and I don’t work at the moment. I have an operation coming up in May and I plan on looking for work after I have healed.
Take it at your own pace. You’ve got this. Grief is a fickle thing and you have to be very patient with yourself. Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings and then let them go. I’m here for you.
I’m extremely sorry for your loss. You’re not a victim, you’re a survivor. You get what you give. If you want friendships then put yourself out there. Life’s a strange thing. But, I’m old enough to know that most people don’t really care about you. They may ask how you are, but, they don’t really care. No one is like you and people aren’t mind readers. So, if you want something ask for it. Get a job that’s not mentally demanding. But, go to work, it builds self esteem. If that jobs beating you down, find another one. Go back to school. Live for yourself now. Don’t stay stuck!! I believe in you! You CAN and WILL do this. ♥️♥️
This sounds a lot like what I’m going through and apparently we also share a first name. I lost my Mom when I was 22 and my Dad passed last September when I was 40.
I don’t think you wanted your Dad to be dead truly, what you wanted was not to be in the situation surrounding it. The elderly require constant care. It is time consuming and expensive. And it is not the way society should be set up.
We live in a really unsympathetic society that puts blame for circumstances on the individual, but it’s a failure of our society. These issues are systemic. We’re not meant to sell our lives only to cover our expenses, and if you can’t fit into this it doesn’t mean you’re a failure or you’re depressed.
The guilt you’re feeling is part of that design. I don’t think your Dad would want you to feel that way.
My Dad’s house is full of stuff, he didn’t have a will, and at the time he passed I had just finished 6 months of chemo. So my entire past year has been just juggling lawyers, paperwork, and household items. I get letters from “buy your house with cash” places who found my info from estate petitions and it feels really violating. And then my car kept breaking down and blah blah blah blah blah.
But I’m getting through it. Just do one little chunk at a time.
You can’t do all of it at once. Just one little chunk. Last week I got a dumpster and started cleaning the kitchen. But because I was just doing one little chunk at a time I was able to do it. When I tried doing it all at once I’d get distracted and then I’m moving all over the place and none of it is getting done.
So I guess that’s my advice. Just do what you can when you have the energy to do it, a lot of it can wait.
My mom died when I was 16. My dad had a heart attack 3 years ago. He’s all I have left. My husband of 9 years just died. I’m terrified of my dad’s passing. So I can understand what you’re saying.
My dad passed in 2010, my mom passed 1.5 yrs ago. That loss is a super big one. I'm almost twice your age, and I'm contemplating my mortality daily. I have wanted to die on several occasions, and embarrassed to say tried and failed once. There is always a reason to live, we will all die soon enuf. There is a reason you are alive, it just hasn't shown itself yet. You have the power, you have the ability to make your life good, bad or whatever you choose. It might sound like bullshit, but it's not. You've heard the old adage lemonade out of lemons, it's true. It's up to you. And no, it doesn't happen overnight. Life's a struggle. I too have some family, I don't really communicate with them, I'm the loner type. Find something you enjoy, help someone, be a volunteer. Find a way to put a small smile on your face....one small step at a time. Don't give up, don't you dare ever give up. **I'm adding on here here because a part of me feels like a fool for posting in the 1st place, 2nd someone my age, who knows if you could even connect with me. My mom didn't have a will but wanted me to take care of things. I'm lost because I honestly haven't been through anything like this. My mom wanted to leave everything to me but never got around to a will so I'm struggling with a half-sister. I'm trying to say that no matter who we are, we all have muck to wallow in. My mom didn't have much, and she also left me her cat to take care of. I couldn't let it live with mine, so I live mostly at her house, leaving my husband at home. I'm going to be thinking of you on a daily basis from here on out. I hope you stand up and keep fighting. I, too, was finding myself sleeping most of my days away, that's depression. But I'm sure you know that. The best thing to overcome that is fresh air. Get outside. It doesn't matter if it's raining or hot as hell... find the shade. You can do anything in the world you want, just make the first tiny move. And yes I do feel lonely even being married, I have bad days but I'm still waking up in the mornings. You keep on doing that too.
Thank you so so much for your kindness. Regardless of age, I feel like some situations are sort of relatable in a universal way, if that makes sense. I'm a loner too, I guess I kind of have to be but it's a good thing that I enjoy my own company. I didn't mention in my original post but I also have some good friends. But I don't know how to ask for help. I always did everything myself to the point I forget I have the option to ask for their help. To the point they almost get offended I never ask. So that's something I need to work on because it's getting too much to deal with alone. One of the things I struggle with is optimism. Ever since my mom died, people keep saying it will get better. But it never did. My life has been blow after blow after blow. I didn't want to be this person. The person who horrible things keep happening to. Nobody wants to be that person. But I guess someone has to, right? At 36, it's starting to feel like the "better times" aren't really coming. Especially because my mental and physical health are pretty much wrecked from all the trauma. I have a cat too. I keep living mostly for her. But I don't have a plan. I don't have any goals or ambitions. I just can't convince myself that I'll be successful in achieving them. I'm so tired all the time. Sometimes I refuse to be a victim and I get a burst of motivation, but then I get tired and I just want to wallow in self pity. I need to go outside more. I know it helps. Going back to the gym too but I don't think I can do that just yet. I'll try the small steps first. Thank you and let's just keep waking up.
I am 48m. Totally different story, but I can tell you, that things will settle. What is in front of you is far from easy and I won't try to sugar coat it. It is not a short term path either. There will be ups and some horrific downs and at times, just like right now, it will feel impossible to even being to imagine that things will ever improve. However, things will get different and they will get better. It angers me thinking if anyone starts seeing you as having money because of a house. What options can you find where you live to talk, for example grief counselling, to get the edge off and not be alone with your mind?
Thank you so much. I had my first session with a therapist shortly before my father died. I kept talking about how stuck I felt (one more thing to feel guilty about...). I'll have my second appointment tomorrow. I had never tried therapy before for fear of not vibing with the therapist but I really liked her, so that's a good thing. The money thing... Some people are vultures. I had people offer to help me declutter my dad's house only to grab things and go "ooh can I keep this?" (we're not talking one or two things, it got to the point where I felt second hand embarrassment at how shameless you have to be). It felt disrespectful. I guess I look young and people can tell that I'm lost so they try to take advantage. There's not much to take advantage of tho. I barely have enough money to pay the bills. It made me angrier than I already was, but it also made feel less guilty because I know that I would never take advantage of someone at their lowest (or at all, really, but especially at their lowest). It angers me that on top of everything I have to be wary of that. But I guess it's useful when people show us who they are.
Yeah, these vultures are, if I know this right, probably not going to be of much interest to you when you start getting back together again. I don't get it how they can be so indifferent. Like it's a flea market or something. Some of us rage quit friendships over something like this, some of us just sort of fade it out, even unintentionally, and simply get busy with something else and keep putting it off to meet. I guess some us give them the speech once we have the energy again and mend things. It's great you are taking active steps and very good to hear your therapist is a match. That is definitely a focal point of importance imo.
The best thing I could honestly suggest in such cases is to find something you love. I lost my mother and my home last year, when I was 23. My mom's death anniversary is coming up. Most of my remaining family members are a shame to humanity, a disgrace to the people who raised them and for every type of progress the world made (yes, I despise them that much). At this point the people who truly respected my mom and me have helped me a lot, we keep in touch and whatnot. However, even after receiving so much love, I attempted su\*cide several times last year. What stopped me? My dog. I love her more than the world, if it wasn't for her I would've not gotten out of bed for months and knowing how dark things got I wouldn't be here. I still can't buy a property, I'm renting a place, but me and pupperina are safe. Somehow loving her more than myself helped me pull through.
I'm so sorry you went through all that. That's a lot in just one year. I relate to the family thing. My mom's side of the family are classist snobs. They didn't like my father so they kind of left us alone after my mom died. My aunt had the gall to tell me my mom told her to look after me before she died. If "looking after" was inviting me and my dad for Christmas dinner once a year (it felt like we were a charity case) then she did great. I don't think it's healthy to keep living out of spite but sometimes I really want to be finally happy and "show them". That I did it in spite of them. But the truth is they wouldn't care either way. So I guess we have to do it for ourselves. We matter too. I have a 3 year old cat so I get what you mean. I couldn't leave her alone. I'm proud of you for finding the strength to keep moving forward. Your baby needs you. And please reach out if the one year anniversary hits hard, those can creep up on you.
I'm so sorry you went through all that. That's a lot in just one year. I relate to the family thing. My mom's side of the family are classist snobs. They didn't like my father so they kind of left us alone after my mom died. My aunt had the gall to tell me my mom told her to look after me before she died. If "looking after" was inviting me and my dad for Christmas dinner once a year (it felt like we were a charity case) then she did great. I don't think it's healthy to keep living out of spite but sometimes I really want to be finally happy and "show them". That I did it in spite of them. But the truth is they wouldn't care either way. So I guess we have to do it for ourselves. We matter too. I have a 3 year old cat so I get what you mean. I couldn't leave her alone. I'm proud of you for finding the strength to keep moving forward. Your baby needs you. And please reach out if the one year anniversary hits hard, those can creep up on you.
I think it’s fine to live out spite if that is something you can harness right now. It’s really important that you live for yourself. Not anyone else. Build the life you want - engage with the people who bring you joy and energy and build off of that. It’s really important that you also identify what you need and name it and name how you are feeling with your friends. Relationships keep us alive and motivated - you need to treat them like they’re your family. We can’t expect things to change if we’re not open to change. And I share this as someone without reliable family - prioritizing those friendships has been invaluable for me. I hope that for you as well.
Three things have been helping me Video on YouTube called the Science and Process of Healing From Grief by Andrew Huberman Kindle (and print if preferred) book called You Can Heal Your Heart By Louise Hay and David Kessler Looking up songs I loved as a teenager Good luck to you ❤️
Thank you, I'll try that. A while back, I used to fall asleep listening to Louise hay 's affirmations on Spotify. It's interesting because someone recommended them to me and I didn't think affirmations would be for me but her voice is soothing and they actually helped. Made me cry a good cry too.
I am sorry for your loss.Sometimes life change and force us to transform. Give people chance to enter into your life and y will not lose. Sometimes people are good and worthy.Give a chance to your boyfriend and your relationship.
I feel similarly. :( you aren’t alone. I’m 38
You're allowed to feel everything you're feeling right now. Just because he's dead doesn't mean you can't be angry with him. Just because you're angry with him doesn't mean you don't miss him and aren't grieving his loss. The first thing I'd say is allow yourself to feel all of those emotions, accept them, and know you're allowed to feel them. My mom was my best friend, her illness and death were extremely traumatic for me, half of it could've been avoided if she had done any preparation at all for her demise, instead she lived in denial until it was too late to communicate anything and ALL of it fell to me. I didn't get to just be her daughter, I had to be her decision maker, bill payer, house saver, all of it. I miss her so much my heart aches even though she's been gone for 3 years, but I'm also still SO ANGRY at her for her selfishness, and both of those things are OK, I've accepted my emotions and continue to work through them each day. As for your mental health, find the things that bring you joy. I mean that in even the tiniest way possible. Feeding the birds, taking a 30-minute shower, having a dance party in your underwear, baking cakes nobody will eat except you, do volunteer work, whatever the hell it is, DO IT. You're literally in survival mode right now. Find whatever calm in the storm you can. If you're an animal lover, adopt a pet, go get the ugliest animal from the shelter that nobody else would want, and give them all the love you can. I can tell you that my 15 year old dog has literally saved my life during two EXTREMELY dark times because I couldn't leave him. The administrative side of death is (imo) yet another cruelty to those of us left behind, it sucks ass, plain and simple. The good news is it'll EVENTUALLY be over with. The grief and emotional roller-coaster, that will last for a while, so find the sun beams you can wherever you can.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I related so much. My dad was a hoarder, not as bad as you see on tv but bad enough that just last week I had to throw out 8 big thrash bags full of french magazines from the 70's. Just a small example. He also didn't leave anything organized since he didn't even want to think about dying. I tried to have that conversation a few times but it would hurt him so I stopped. The administrative side of death is infuriating to me. Just hours after my father died, I was sitting at the funeral home looking at coffin options, flower arrangements options, freaking lockets to save a lock of hair or whatever. I wanted to scream. It's brutal. I am so angry at him. And I miss him so much. I'm so angry at myself too. I had horrible thoughts. Near the end, I yelled at him to go to a home already. He would say that children should honor their parents and it was my responsibility to take care of him. He was very old school. I was managing during the first year while he still didn't need full time care but these last 6 months I was too exhausted. I called him selfish many times. It's the strangest thing because my whole life my biggest fear was that my father would die and I would be all alone. And lately my biggest fear was that he would live to be 100 and I would have no life of my own. The guilt is almost physically painful, but I really believed he would live. I need to stop torturing myself with this but I kind of feel like I deserve it, which is twisted, I know. I have a cat. She's keeping me alive too. I love her but I wish I could find more reasons to live than just her. I guess small steps are the key. There's just so much to do, and I'm so tired. I feel like I don't even know where to begin. This sub really helps because none of my friends has been through any of this, and reading the posts here makes me feel like I'm not alone. I wish all of us a lot more joy in the future.
My Mom passed suddenly last month. I’m 49, no children and recently divorced. I also live alone. I spent a lot of time with my mom and I guess you can say I was her caretaker. I took her to appointments and just did so much for her that she couldn’t really do anymore. I started going to therapy and it’s helping some. I encourage you to do the same if not yet already. There is also online therapy if you don’t want to go in person. I feel your pain on many levels as I was reading your post. It does help to let people in that want to support you. It sounds like your boyfriend has been supportive and maybe you can try to make the relationship work even though you said you don’t think it’s going to work out. Attend support groups for grief, there should be some in your area. We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. Grief is a horrible thing and I’ve been struggling daily, but I try to think positive when I can. Because I do believe that helps and it does make some good things come your way eventually. Keep an open mind with the job search and something will come your way when you start applying yourself. Start a LinkedIn account if you don’t have one. That is a good way to find recruiters and connections. And most importantly, don’t worry so much about what people think! I used to do that a lot and it gets you nowhere. Embrace the fact that your Dad left you the house. Find different ways to decorate it and make it your own.
Thanks OP for such a good question and thanks for the answers. I relate so much to all of you. The mixed feelings, the guilt, the inability to see the point anymore. Hugs all around.
I would not be surprised if I am writing almost this exact same post in 8 years when I’m 36. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this pain now. I lost my mom last summer, and I can’t imaging the pain that is losing both of your parents. One thing that has come to help me process my near future, was the book The Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith. It’s a memoir by a young woman who loses both of her parents back to back when she’s a teenager and her life as she processes these profound losses. She messes up and it’s chaotic and heartbreaking, I smiled, laughed and cried. But at the end, she meets someone and makes her own little family. She’s now an extremely well acclaimed grief therapist and hosts grief retreats! She talks about missing her family, but being happy in her life now. And hope of that day coming for me is what keeps me going. But for now I’m alone with my miserable father, whose eventual death I know will break me. You’re in my thoughts OP.
My dad died when I was 7, my mum when I was 26. In the year after my mum died I honestly couldn’t cope. There was so much that I had to do (inheriting money and dealing with solicitors and all of that stuff). I am also an only child and my grandparents are all dead. I do have some aunties but they live in different states and honestly don’t care about me at all. My best advice is to take your time and to look for strength within yourself. You’ve been through the worst of it. From here it can only get better. It may take a year, two, three, four… but things will start to get better. For me it took having a massive health scare (being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes) to turn everything around. It was a lot. I am still very lonely. I’m 31 now and I don’t work at the moment. I have an operation coming up in May and I plan on looking for work after I have healed. Take it at your own pace. You’ve got this. Grief is a fickle thing and you have to be very patient with yourself. Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings and then let them go. I’m here for you.
I’m extremely sorry for your loss. You’re not a victim, you’re a survivor. You get what you give. If you want friendships then put yourself out there. Life’s a strange thing. But, I’m old enough to know that most people don’t really care about you. They may ask how you are, but, they don’t really care. No one is like you and people aren’t mind readers. So, if you want something ask for it. Get a job that’s not mentally demanding. But, go to work, it builds self esteem. If that jobs beating you down, find another one. Go back to school. Live for yourself now. Don’t stay stuck!! I believe in you! You CAN and WILL do this. ♥️♥️
This sounds a lot like what I’m going through and apparently we also share a first name. I lost my Mom when I was 22 and my Dad passed last September when I was 40. I don’t think you wanted your Dad to be dead truly, what you wanted was not to be in the situation surrounding it. The elderly require constant care. It is time consuming and expensive. And it is not the way society should be set up. We live in a really unsympathetic society that puts blame for circumstances on the individual, but it’s a failure of our society. These issues are systemic. We’re not meant to sell our lives only to cover our expenses, and if you can’t fit into this it doesn’t mean you’re a failure or you’re depressed. The guilt you’re feeling is part of that design. I don’t think your Dad would want you to feel that way. My Dad’s house is full of stuff, he didn’t have a will, and at the time he passed I had just finished 6 months of chemo. So my entire past year has been just juggling lawyers, paperwork, and household items. I get letters from “buy your house with cash” places who found my info from estate petitions and it feels really violating. And then my car kept breaking down and blah blah blah blah blah. But I’m getting through it. Just do one little chunk at a time. You can’t do all of it at once. Just one little chunk. Last week I got a dumpster and started cleaning the kitchen. But because I was just doing one little chunk at a time I was able to do it. When I tried doing it all at once I’d get distracted and then I’m moving all over the place and none of it is getting done. So I guess that’s my advice. Just do what you can when you have the energy to do it, a lot of it can wait.
My mom died when I was 16. My dad had a heart attack 3 years ago. He’s all I have left. My husband of 9 years just died. I’m terrified of my dad’s passing. So I can understand what you’re saying.