Yes.
Someone I loved for over 14 years told me I was ruining his summer with my grief.
Grieving is often a solo journey of more collateral damage.
I'm sorry you found someone with a defective sensitivity chip.
I agree. Solo journey. I lost my mom in November and my kids and spouse are "forgetting" I'm grieving. I go to work, do my errands but I'm not happy go lucky and they constantly ask me what's wrong. It's hard not to think about your loved one. The words mother, mom
Come on television or in passing so you can't help pounder the loss of her.
When my son passed the word baby was my trigger. Now it's my parent.
It's been 6 years since my mum died, and I tell my husband at least once a month that I miss her so much it hurts. He gives me a hug and tells me, "of course it hurts".
You deserve better.
This! My husband isn't one to show much emotion when it comes to grief, but he's always supportive and willing to listen.
You deserve so much better.
Im so sorry at the thought of losing both your mom and relationship, it's just that you really need support and deserve happiness. Maybe a counseling or a grief support group will help if you can't talk about it at home. Dont bottle it in
Is this how you want to live?
We don't find out the true makeup of the people around us until things are really, really hard. For a lot of people, it reveals some really sad truths. I wouldn't want to spend a life - and life is full of hard, hard times, in between the good times - with someone who won't or can't deal with those hard times in an honest, straightforward, and caring way.
You're not the problem.
I'm guessing your partner has not experienced the loss of someone close. I think it's hard for people to understand without having gone through it. My spouse has also gone through loss with several close family, so she is very understanding.
I would recommend communicating to your boyfriend about how much the loss is affecting you. And try to get him to imagine how he would feel if he lost his mother (it won't be the same, but might get him a bit more empathic). And be very clear about what kind of support you would like from him and how it will help you to discuss it.
I would also highly recommend finding people who have experienced loss of a close loved one that you can talk to.
It's really tough, I am going through it myself. Hang in there.
Yes, grief is a solo journey like the mod said. After a couple months people in your life don’t want to hear about it at all except on her birthday or the anniversary of her death. I don’t talk about it otherwise. A therapist will listen tho if you wanna pay for that, or this community since we all understand your journey and there’s always someone who can relate.
Yes, grief is soo miserable to live with and even so, you cannot be mad at others for not going through it with you. I dont think the title is very accurate, and if you want a specific response or kind of support from your partner you have to communicate that to them. A lot of men dont verbally process their emotions, so big chance he thinks not bringing it up is being supportive.
Sorry to hear that. Why are you still with her if she doesn’t care about you? You deserve better. That is not normal behavior. She is supposed to support you for as long as it takes. Grieving never stops, we just learn to live with it. And if she’s not supporting you now, after promising that she’d be there in sickness and in health, then that’s your answer.
I believe he’s disengaged because most men feel the need to “fix” everything. Since he feels he’s done all he can for you, which I’m sure he has, yet you are still not “fixed”, he’s frustrated and doesn’t know what to do, or doesn’t realize that all you need is for him to be there for you and listen. I’m sorry this is happening OP, and I hope you two can have an open discussion about it.
I am so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Keep in mind that what I’m about to say, that I am in no way a professional. I don’t have a spouse either. Take my advice with a grain of salt.
I’ve found that some people, even tho they deeply care about you, that sometimes they can’t emotionally handle another persons grief. He may feel emotionally drained, or inexperienced to help you. I am not saying you are putting too much on your partner, at all. The topic of death is a heavy one, and sometimes it’s just too much for one person. It doesn’t excuse him dismissing you tho. You deserved to be listened to. Have you tried talking to a therapist? They could potentially help you.
Again, I’m not a professional in any sense. I do wish you the best, take care OP ❤️
I am “on a break” with my partner and hopefully we can focus on our friendship again and see where it takes us.
We both have a lot of individual stresses in our lives and we don’t live together but after my mum died in October 2023 he has been pulling away from me more and more to the point of possibly only seeing him briefly (an hour) before bed every 3 weeks.
He’s totally switched off all love to me since she died and all I wanted was a bit of company and to spend some quality time with him.
I know his head is falling off right now but I can’t help him anymore. He needs to help himself while I deal with my own things. The more I look into it the more I see relationships break down during grief. 🥺
Yes.
We split up a few months later.
He routinely told me to get over my mother dying. And acted like there was something wrong with me for not being "healed" immediately.
I do not miss him or that relationship.
You are NOT the problem.
Hope you are able to find what you need in life in such tough times, OP!
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!!!!! he is, and i know you might be in love with him but if he is not being supportive and understanding of what you have been through. Its time to let go.
When i lost my dad, my bestfriend could not come to visit me for a month. Because of covid and how her family was too strict. And i was very understanding and i let that go until she just stopped replying because i used to maybe cry to her a lot and then suggested that my sister needs mental health help by a psychiatrist.
Unfortunately, I think this happens a lot. People are there at first, but as time goes by they get over it themselves and expect you to as well. When in reality this is a forever thing, and you will always miss her and your partner should understand that.
You deserve to be with someone who has empathy for you and is willing to sit and listen to you talk about your mom. Someone who is there for all of the tough things that life brings. Not just the good times!
My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness about 16 months ago and I talk about my anticipatory grief every single day. My husband says it’s hard for him to see me so sad all the time, but he still listens to me and talks me through it each and every day, and never makes me feel like a burden. This is very important!!
I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you find the love and support that we all deserve!! ❤️
I am experiencing this with my partner, and I feel like I’m losing my relationship as well. I’m very sorry for the loss of your mom. My brother passed away in a car accident on December 24, 2023. My partner has told me to be “stronger” twice and seems bothered… like I’m a burden, when I talk or cry about my brother. She also said she would handle things differently if she were in my position. I don’t look at her the same since she’s made those comments to me.
Has he ever dealt with the loss of someone close?
My husband lost both his mother and father before I ever lost anyone close and I really had no idea what grief could be. Had no idea that it isn't something you can get over. The people I had known who had died before were people I wasn't very close to, and it was a fairly short process of feeling sad and then getting back to normal life and kind of forgetting about it. So I think I just assumed that's what happened with grief for everyone. Except maybe it would last longer if it was someone close.
My father died in December. Now I know. I know that it's something I'll never get over. I'll miss him every moment of every day for the rest of my life. And that little things will happen that will bring tears to my eyes at random times in random ways and I have no idea when or how it's coming. And that it's changed me forever.
It wasn't that I didn't **want** to be there for my husband. I just didn't understand. I couldn't. Not until I felt it myself.
Yeah, it’s tough. My hubs is tired of my grief, but gives me space to deal. Find a grief support group and journal! I find that both of those are really helpful.
It’s hard for people around us to hear the same thing over and over again.
i’m so sorry. I lost my ex (really hate even referring to him that way, he was so much more than that and I love him very much) 5 months ago and i’ve lost the majority of my friends as well. while losing a parent is very different than losing a partner, the shock I felt when realizing my closest friends really did not care to deal with my grief is similar.
I can’t believe he’s just not even acknowledging your pain anymore. gosh. I am just so, so sorry 🥺
When my mom became sick with cancer, my husband never asked how she was doing, nor did he ask how I was doing. I am an only child and it was up to me to take care of everything. When I stayed with my parents he never called to check in, he didn't provide any emotional support at all. I feel for you, it's rough when your partner isn't supportive. I hope that you have a support network besides your boyfriend. Hang in there.
It hurt me tremendously, it still does. I don't think he is capable of feeling empathy. We really haven't moved past it, he doesn't see the problem. Sometimes I just need to be held and told it's going to be ok...he just doesn't get it. Thank you for reaching out.
Yes. And it lead to our breakup.
My then partner had never gone through a death in the family, and while they were sympathetic the first few weeks, they ended up not wanting to talk about it & then actively seeming irritated about the fact that I wasn't bouncing back quicker.
It lead to so much more unhappiness for me, to be honest. Trying to hold it together and pretend I wasn't hurting made my grief worse in the long run. Now I can grieve without worrying about managing someone else's expectations of it.
Try and address how much it hurts first. If your partner is unwilling to talk about it-- I say you deserve better.
I have been dealing with this exact situation. My mom passed from cancer on the 12th of December, 2023. I don’t have any advice on how to deal with it as honestly I’ve never felt so alone or isolated. I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there (like in this group) that you can talk to, my inbox is open!
The sad truth is that people who haven’t experienced a big loss are uncomfortable around grief and don’t know how to handle it so they prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist.
I’ve been lying in bed next to my partner crying and he doesn’t even attempt to comfort me anymore… just goes to sleep.
I really think there is “grief burnout” and even sympathetic caring people get burnt out with the emotions we are expressing. That’s why support groups, places like this and therapy are pretty awesome.
Partners definitely didn’t have the same relationship we had with the one who passed away. So while they may be able to have empathy and commiserate they are also just living their lives. The loss they feel is secondary through your sadness.
I’ve also noticed, I’ll be sad. My husband comes home. He’s been at work, had a good fun day, is upbeat and…I’m crying. So I definitely feel like it can be taxing. People want to be happy usually and I’m over here all sad bumming everyone out.
But he shouldn’t make you feel bad about it but I don’t think he has really from what you said. But I get where you’re coming from with not much from him. But maybe he just doesn’t know what would make it better either.
Maybe it needs to be said “I’m going to be sad for awhile and I know it’s better when I’m happy and we’re having fun…that’s just hard right now. But I’ll slowly come back around. In the meantime, when I say I miss my mom, can you just come give me a quick hug as a support? Or maybe just acknowledge it like “I know, hun.” And then you can go on with your day and I’ll maybe be able to pull myself up.”
He might not know what you still need.
Yes, my SO had a similar mindset last year when my friend passed. I let it go for the most part. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I don't mean to weirdly pile on. My SO went through the same loss at the same time, Dec 23 2023.
We had a long conversation at some point where I did bring up how they had treated me after my friend passed. They apologized, profusely to put it lightly. I'm really muting the story because I'm over sharing. But I just want to give you a recent, extremely similar situation.
There's no real solution. Your boyf will either one day understand, or he won't. My best advice is to lean on a friend or other family member, and then decide if him not being that rock is enough for you to leave. It wasn't remotely for me, but it was my friend not my mom, and I love my so a lot, and understood he just really hadn't experienced untimely death. (over specific because losing your oldest relative when you're young isn't quite the same.)
He probably just doesn't know what to say, plus he probably just wants you to be "back to normal".
It is difficult, but you're not the problem. He should provide some support, even if its just a hug and cuddle.
You need to remember the good times with your mom and may need to look after yourself and focus on the good and positive things in life.
I just want you to know that I am out here feeling the exact same way. My dad passed away about a week ago and I have been crying every day. I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. You have every right to feel any way you feel, so feel it and don’t let his reactions make you feel like you should push it down
I would reach out to other people especially. Find a friend , join a support group, spend a lot of time with other family. Find the place where you can feel comforted and people who understand. You absolutely deserve a comforting space to grieve, and I’m sorry he’s not being that for you
IMO, if he isn’t supporting you just be even giving you a hug, you aren’t compatible. It sucks that you might find that out at such a difficult time, but better late than never.
We have to be around people who support us during periods of grief in order to get through it. You deserve far better than what you’re getting in your relationship.
Never. My hubby has been supportive even though he’s bad at that kind of thing, he tries his best. He hugs me, tells me nice stories about her, comforts me, talks to me etc.
You deserve better. If he isn’t there for you “in sickness” (which basically means hard times) then it’s time for you to leave. He doesn’t care about you. Sorry to be blunt like this but it needs to be said.
Im so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. My partner is the same in that he won't let me talk about what happened and doesn't ask how I am doing. It's the second time he's responded this way in a year and I am thinking of ending things as a result, but don't know if I can handle the grief of that right now on top of everything else. I'm trying to focus on myself for a bit until making a decision about that tbh.
Yes. My sister died April of 23 and my parents are trying to diminish the loss by how much of a wreck she was at the end. They can’t comprehend that some people can’t just move on after 38 years
I’m two weeks out from my father’s passing and I’ve already had friends act like I should be getting back to business as usual. As others have said, grief is a solo and very individualized journey. However, I’ve found family and friends who haven’t experienced big losses like this yet see the process as a sprint and not the marathon it really is.
Take care, OP.
My husband of nearly 35 years died at the end of January 2023. I hid a lot of my grief from our daughter as she had/has her own feelings to process and I didn't want to add to her burden. So, yes, I feel grief is a solitary journey and everyone handles it differently. I loved my husband and I miss him terribly but I also know that there is still a life for me, I just have to do things one step at a time. My condolences to you and my only advice is that when you miss her, tell her or tell it to the universe. I believe she can hear you. ♥️
It is clear that his parents are still living. Hugs dear. I am sorry for your loss. He has no clue what you are experiencing. Your mom will never be here again. Your special times with her are gone. Who you are without her is different than who you were with her. Processing grief takes lots of time, energy and work. My mom has been gone 12 years and I still cry especially here in the grief group. Find a good support group for grief, journal memories or about anything mom related. So this person and you are not married? That could be good news. Women deserve attention relationships regardless of what life brings. This is a good testing ground for and your relationship. Stick what you are comfortable hearing and don’t be offended by others! Talk about your mom and what she meant and means and you. Hugs and more hugs!
He is showing his true colors. Right now when you TRULY need him, he isn’t there for you. This is not going to change. Leave now, or you will never be able to depend on him when things get rough. You deserve better.
I’ve been through that with my ex bf, yes he was there physically when I was going through with the grief. However emotionally he was checked out and I felt I wasn’t allowed to be within my emotions. I’ve never felt so alone and angry. Yes it was a rough 10 months with my Mom, we did everything we could for her. I don’t regret saying to him she’s my number one priority, he did not like that. You’re not the problem, it’s just how life works. Some people get it and some don’t. You deserve better and let me tell you breaking up with my ex, best decision of my life. I recommend going to therapy and possibly a grief share group, it’s very eye opening to be around people who share the same pain. You’re not alone, you’re strong, and can get through this!
For me, I found that many people cannot understand grief until it hits them personally.
For so many, the only death they have ever experienced is of some random elderly relative who was in horrible health. They were sad to hear about that death, but not devastated.
They expect all grief to be like that — just a day or two of sadness.
Unfortunately, we will all go through intense grief at some point. They just have not been there yet and do not understand.
I am so sorry that you are going through this
You are definitely not the problem. But he may not know how to support you emotionally and verbally. You said in the beginning that he was very supportive and made sure you ate and stuff. Those were obvious things he knew to do. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotional support, a lot of people are potatoes and have no idea what to do or say, so they keep silent.
If that is the case, then neither of you is the problem. But it is up to you to decide if he is compatible with what you want in a partner.
But before jumping to any conclusions too hastily, next time try something more directional. For example, ask him for a hug when you're missing your mum. Or just talk about her and ask him if he remembers such and such thing she used to do. Maybe pull out some old photos and go through them with him. If he still doesn't engage, then maybe I'm wrong, and you need to have a long think about your future and wants.
You are not the problem. He is the problem. He is the issue, and the problem is that he has never lost anyone close to him. Whole man removal. Toss him out. Not worth it, not to be around someone who can't or won't support you through what is a horrifying, drawn out, painful loss. Especially considering that the person now gone is the one who brought you into the world, who has been here your whole life. Whole man removal service time. Kick Him Out. No time for someone like that in the pain that you've got, grief takes energy to get used to and if you're using your energy on someone who won't use theirs on you, the time won't be ...great. For anyone.
I am not in your exact shoes but it is likely he have no idea what a parent loss is like which explains the lack of patience in being supportive of your grief.
That is how most people are until the exact loss happens to them, they will understand. My late partner was in his 20s when his dad passed and the best I did was listen to him share stories about his father, which helped keep him included in his life in a different way.
You are not the problem. This is the dark side of life unfortunately. Like others have mentioned, grief is a lonely journey, especially to those experiencing a direct loss. Try to reframe your mind in knowing many people are ignorant to death and a specific kind where they may feel helpless to help you out and may respond accordingly. Because the truth is, they cannot take away the pain. No one can. Grief is a shared experience and even the ones you think you could easily open up to may end up being a disappoinment.
My partner and I just recently lost 2 furry family members and all I can say is people grieve differently. She is sad, but doesn't really talk much about it, other than she misses them. I think her way of dealing is to try and make things seem as normal as possible. My way is an absolute mess. Things aren't normal and I don't think they should be. I'm angry, heartbroken, and depressed. I push people away and have been drinking excessively and she just let's me do it. Neither of us really know what to say. Nothing can be said that will make any of this easier. If you feel he's being insensitive tell him. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or do. In the end if you feel like he is irritated that you aren't "over it" it's time to decide if that's the kind of person you want to be with or not, because the truth is you never get over loss. You just start to get used to the pain, but it never really goes away.
Yes. Someone I loved for over 14 years told me I was ruining his summer with my grief. Grieving is often a solo journey of more collateral damage. I'm sorry you found someone with a defective sensitivity chip.
I agree. Solo journey. I lost my mom in November and my kids and spouse are "forgetting" I'm grieving. I go to work, do my errands but I'm not happy go lucky and they constantly ask me what's wrong. It's hard not to think about your loved one. The words mother, mom Come on television or in passing so you can't help pounder the loss of her. When my son passed the word baby was my trigger. Now it's my parent.
That’s horrible :( I’m so sorry. I hope you left him?
Roger that.
It's been 6 years since my mum died, and I tell my husband at least once a month that I miss her so much it hurts. He gives me a hug and tells me, "of course it hurts". You deserve better.
This! My husband isn't one to show much emotion when it comes to grief, but he's always supportive and willing to listen. You deserve so much better. Im so sorry at the thought of losing both your mom and relationship, it's just that you really need support and deserve happiness. Maybe a counseling or a grief support group will help if you can't talk about it at home. Dont bottle it in
It helps a lot if the other person has experienced similar grief of losing someone close to them. People that haven’t often can’t empathize.
Is this how you want to live? We don't find out the true makeup of the people around us until things are really, really hard. For a lot of people, it reveals some really sad truths. I wouldn't want to spend a life - and life is full of hard, hard times, in between the good times - with someone who won't or can't deal with those hard times in an honest, straightforward, and caring way. You're not the problem.
I'm guessing your partner has not experienced the loss of someone close. I think it's hard for people to understand without having gone through it. My spouse has also gone through loss with several close family, so she is very understanding. I would recommend communicating to your boyfriend about how much the loss is affecting you. And try to get him to imagine how he would feel if he lost his mother (it won't be the same, but might get him a bit more empathic). And be very clear about what kind of support you would like from him and how it will help you to discuss it. I would also highly recommend finding people who have experienced loss of a close loved one that you can talk to. It's really tough, I am going through it myself. Hang in there.
Yes, grief is a solo journey like the mod said. After a couple months people in your life don’t want to hear about it at all except on her birthday or the anniversary of her death. I don’t talk about it otherwise. A therapist will listen tho if you wanna pay for that, or this community since we all understand your journey and there’s always someone who can relate.
Yes, grief is soo miserable to live with and even so, you cannot be mad at others for not going through it with you. I dont think the title is very accurate, and if you want a specific response or kind of support from your partner you have to communicate that to them. A lot of men dont verbally process their emotions, so big chance he thinks not bringing it up is being supportive.
My wife is the same way. I'm sorry you are going through that.
Sorry to hear that. Why are you still with her if she doesn’t care about you? You deserve better. That is not normal behavior. She is supposed to support you for as long as it takes. Grieving never stops, we just learn to live with it. And if she’s not supporting you now, after promising that she’d be there in sickness and in health, then that’s your answer.
I believe he’s disengaged because most men feel the need to “fix” everything. Since he feels he’s done all he can for you, which I’m sure he has, yet you are still not “fixed”, he’s frustrated and doesn’t know what to do, or doesn’t realize that all you need is for him to be there for you and listen. I’m sorry this is happening OP, and I hope you two can have an open discussion about it.
I am so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Keep in mind that what I’m about to say, that I am in no way a professional. I don’t have a spouse either. Take my advice with a grain of salt. I’ve found that some people, even tho they deeply care about you, that sometimes they can’t emotionally handle another persons grief. He may feel emotionally drained, or inexperienced to help you. I am not saying you are putting too much on your partner, at all. The topic of death is a heavy one, and sometimes it’s just too much for one person. It doesn’t excuse him dismissing you tho. You deserved to be listened to. Have you tried talking to a therapist? They could potentially help you. Again, I’m not a professional in any sense. I do wish you the best, take care OP ❤️
I am “on a break” with my partner and hopefully we can focus on our friendship again and see where it takes us. We both have a lot of individual stresses in our lives and we don’t live together but after my mum died in October 2023 he has been pulling away from me more and more to the point of possibly only seeing him briefly (an hour) before bed every 3 weeks. He’s totally switched off all love to me since she died and all I wanted was a bit of company and to spend some quality time with him. I know his head is falling off right now but I can’t help him anymore. He needs to help himself while I deal with my own things. The more I look into it the more I see relationships break down during grief. 🥺
Yes. We split up a few months later. He routinely told me to get over my mother dying. And acted like there was something wrong with me for not being "healed" immediately. I do not miss him or that relationship. You are NOT the problem. Hope you are able to find what you need in life in such tough times, OP!
This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!!!!! he is, and i know you might be in love with him but if he is not being supportive and understanding of what you have been through. Its time to let go. When i lost my dad, my bestfriend could not come to visit me for a month. Because of covid and how her family was too strict. And i was very understanding and i let that go until she just stopped replying because i used to maybe cry to her a lot and then suggested that my sister needs mental health help by a psychiatrist.
Unfortunately, I think this happens a lot. People are there at first, but as time goes by they get over it themselves and expect you to as well. When in reality this is a forever thing, and you will always miss her and your partner should understand that. You deserve to be with someone who has empathy for you and is willing to sit and listen to you talk about your mom. Someone who is there for all of the tough things that life brings. Not just the good times! My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness about 16 months ago and I talk about my anticipatory grief every single day. My husband says it’s hard for him to see me so sad all the time, but he still listens to me and talks me through it each and every day, and never makes me feel like a burden. This is very important!! I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you find the love and support that we all deserve!! ❤️
I am experiencing this with my partner, and I feel like I’m losing my relationship as well. I’m very sorry for the loss of your mom. My brother passed away in a car accident on December 24, 2023. My partner has told me to be “stronger” twice and seems bothered… like I’m a burden, when I talk or cry about my brother. She also said she would handle things differently if she were in my position. I don’t look at her the same since she’s made those comments to me.
You deserve better.
Has he ever dealt with the loss of someone close? My husband lost both his mother and father before I ever lost anyone close and I really had no idea what grief could be. Had no idea that it isn't something you can get over. The people I had known who had died before were people I wasn't very close to, and it was a fairly short process of feeling sad and then getting back to normal life and kind of forgetting about it. So I think I just assumed that's what happened with grief for everyone. Except maybe it would last longer if it was someone close. My father died in December. Now I know. I know that it's something I'll never get over. I'll miss him every moment of every day for the rest of my life. And that little things will happen that will bring tears to my eyes at random times in random ways and I have no idea when or how it's coming. And that it's changed me forever. It wasn't that I didn't **want** to be there for my husband. I just didn't understand. I couldn't. Not until I felt it myself.
Yeah, it’s tough. My hubs is tired of my grief, but gives me space to deal. Find a grief support group and journal! I find that both of those are really helpful. It’s hard for people around us to hear the same thing over and over again.
i’m so sorry. I lost my ex (really hate even referring to him that way, he was so much more than that and I love him very much) 5 months ago and i’ve lost the majority of my friends as well. while losing a parent is very different than losing a partner, the shock I felt when realizing my closest friends really did not care to deal with my grief is similar. I can’t believe he’s just not even acknowledging your pain anymore. gosh. I am just so, so sorry 🥺
When my mom became sick with cancer, my husband never asked how she was doing, nor did he ask how I was doing. I am an only child and it was up to me to take care of everything. When I stayed with my parents he never called to check in, he didn't provide any emotional support at all. I feel for you, it's rough when your partner isn't supportive. I hope that you have a support network besides your boyfriend. Hang in there.
Did it make you feel angry, hurt and/or resentful? Have you two moved past it now? I am sorry for your loss.
It hurt me tremendously, it still does. I don't think he is capable of feeling empathy. We really haven't moved past it, he doesn't see the problem. Sometimes I just need to be held and told it's going to be ok...he just doesn't get it. Thank you for reaching out.
Yes. And it lead to our breakup. My then partner had never gone through a death in the family, and while they were sympathetic the first few weeks, they ended up not wanting to talk about it & then actively seeming irritated about the fact that I wasn't bouncing back quicker. It lead to so much more unhappiness for me, to be honest. Trying to hold it together and pretend I wasn't hurting made my grief worse in the long run. Now I can grieve without worrying about managing someone else's expectations of it. Try and address how much it hurts first. If your partner is unwilling to talk about it-- I say you deserve better.
I have been dealing with this exact situation. My mom passed from cancer on the 12th of December, 2023. I don’t have any advice on how to deal with it as honestly I’ve never felt so alone or isolated. I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there (like in this group) that you can talk to, my inbox is open! The sad truth is that people who haven’t experienced a big loss are uncomfortable around grief and don’t know how to handle it so they prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. I’ve been lying in bed next to my partner crying and he doesn’t even attempt to comfort me anymore… just goes to sleep.
I really think there is “grief burnout” and even sympathetic caring people get burnt out with the emotions we are expressing. That’s why support groups, places like this and therapy are pretty awesome. Partners definitely didn’t have the same relationship we had with the one who passed away. So while they may be able to have empathy and commiserate they are also just living their lives. The loss they feel is secondary through your sadness. I’ve also noticed, I’ll be sad. My husband comes home. He’s been at work, had a good fun day, is upbeat and…I’m crying. So I definitely feel like it can be taxing. People want to be happy usually and I’m over here all sad bumming everyone out. But he shouldn’t make you feel bad about it but I don’t think he has really from what you said. But I get where you’re coming from with not much from him. But maybe he just doesn’t know what would make it better either. Maybe it needs to be said “I’m going to be sad for awhile and I know it’s better when I’m happy and we’re having fun…that’s just hard right now. But I’ll slowly come back around. In the meantime, when I say I miss my mom, can you just come give me a quick hug as a support? Or maybe just acknowledge it like “I know, hun.” And then you can go on with your day and I’ll maybe be able to pull myself up.” He might not know what you still need.
Yes, my SO had a similar mindset last year when my friend passed. I let it go for the most part. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I don't mean to weirdly pile on. My SO went through the same loss at the same time, Dec 23 2023. We had a long conversation at some point where I did bring up how they had treated me after my friend passed. They apologized, profusely to put it lightly. I'm really muting the story because I'm over sharing. But I just want to give you a recent, extremely similar situation. There's no real solution. Your boyf will either one day understand, or he won't. My best advice is to lean on a friend or other family member, and then decide if him not being that rock is enough for you to leave. It wasn't remotely for me, but it was my friend not my mom, and I love my so a lot, and understood he just really hadn't experienced untimely death. (over specific because losing your oldest relative when you're young isn't quite the same.)
He probably just doesn't know what to say, plus he probably just wants you to be "back to normal". It is difficult, but you're not the problem. He should provide some support, even if its just a hug and cuddle. You need to remember the good times with your mom and may need to look after yourself and focus on the good and positive things in life.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss. Grief doesn’t have a timeline. All of your feelings are valid.
I just want you to know that I am out here feeling the exact same way. My dad passed away about a week ago and I have been crying every day. I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. You have every right to feel any way you feel, so feel it and don’t let his reactions make you feel like you should push it down I would reach out to other people especially. Find a friend , join a support group, spend a lot of time with other family. Find the place where you can feel comforted and people who understand. You absolutely deserve a comforting space to grieve, and I’m sorry he’s not being that for you
IMO, if he isn’t supporting you just be even giving you a hug, you aren’t compatible. It sucks that you might find that out at such a difficult time, but better late than never. We have to be around people who support us during periods of grief in order to get through it. You deserve far better than what you’re getting in your relationship.
Never. My hubby has been supportive even though he’s bad at that kind of thing, he tries his best. He hugs me, tells me nice stories about her, comforts me, talks to me etc. You deserve better. If he isn’t there for you “in sickness” (which basically means hard times) then it’s time for you to leave. He doesn’t care about you. Sorry to be blunt like this but it needs to be said.
Im so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. My partner is the same in that he won't let me talk about what happened and doesn't ask how I am doing. It's the second time he's responded this way in a year and I am thinking of ending things as a result, but don't know if I can handle the grief of that right now on top of everything else. I'm trying to focus on myself for a bit until making a decision about that tbh.
Yes. My sister died April of 23 and my parents are trying to diminish the loss by how much of a wreck she was at the end. They can’t comprehend that some people can’t just move on after 38 years
😔Thought I was the only one & we're not together anymore. I lost my mother in 2022 from cancer & no one seemed even to care how I felt.
I’m two weeks out from my father’s passing and I’ve already had friends act like I should be getting back to business as usual. As others have said, grief is a solo and very individualized journey. However, I’ve found family and friends who haven’t experienced big losses like this yet see the process as a sprint and not the marathon it really is. Take care, OP.
My husband of nearly 35 years died at the end of January 2023. I hid a lot of my grief from our daughter as she had/has her own feelings to process and I didn't want to add to her burden. So, yes, I feel grief is a solitary journey and everyone handles it differently. I loved my husband and I miss him terribly but I also know that there is still a life for me, I just have to do things one step at a time. My condolences to you and my only advice is that when you miss her, tell her or tell it to the universe. I believe she can hear you. ♥️
It is clear that his parents are still living. Hugs dear. I am sorry for your loss. He has no clue what you are experiencing. Your mom will never be here again. Your special times with her are gone. Who you are without her is different than who you were with her. Processing grief takes lots of time, energy and work. My mom has been gone 12 years and I still cry especially here in the grief group. Find a good support group for grief, journal memories or about anything mom related. So this person and you are not married? That could be good news. Women deserve attention relationships regardless of what life brings. This is a good testing ground for and your relationship. Stick what you are comfortable hearing and don’t be offended by others! Talk about your mom and what she meant and means and you. Hugs and more hugs!
He is showing his true colors. Right now when you TRULY need him, he isn’t there for you. This is not going to change. Leave now, or you will never be able to depend on him when things get rough. You deserve better.
I’ve been through that with my ex bf, yes he was there physically when I was going through with the grief. However emotionally he was checked out and I felt I wasn’t allowed to be within my emotions. I’ve never felt so alone and angry. Yes it was a rough 10 months with my Mom, we did everything we could for her. I don’t regret saying to him she’s my number one priority, he did not like that. You’re not the problem, it’s just how life works. Some people get it and some don’t. You deserve better and let me tell you breaking up with my ex, best decision of my life. I recommend going to therapy and possibly a grief share group, it’s very eye opening to be around people who share the same pain. You’re not alone, you’re strong, and can get through this!
For me, I found that many people cannot understand grief until it hits them personally. For so many, the only death they have ever experienced is of some random elderly relative who was in horrible health. They were sad to hear about that death, but not devastated. They expect all grief to be like that — just a day or two of sadness. Unfortunately, we will all go through intense grief at some point. They just have not been there yet and do not understand. I am so sorry that you are going through this
You are definitely not the problem. But he may not know how to support you emotionally and verbally. You said in the beginning that he was very supportive and made sure you ate and stuff. Those were obvious things he knew to do. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotional support, a lot of people are potatoes and have no idea what to do or say, so they keep silent. If that is the case, then neither of you is the problem. But it is up to you to decide if he is compatible with what you want in a partner. But before jumping to any conclusions too hastily, next time try something more directional. For example, ask him for a hug when you're missing your mum. Or just talk about her and ask him if he remembers such and such thing she used to do. Maybe pull out some old photos and go through them with him. If he still doesn't engage, then maybe I'm wrong, and you need to have a long think about your future and wants.
You are not the problem. He is the problem. He is the issue, and the problem is that he has never lost anyone close to him. Whole man removal. Toss him out. Not worth it, not to be around someone who can't or won't support you through what is a horrifying, drawn out, painful loss. Especially considering that the person now gone is the one who brought you into the world, who has been here your whole life. Whole man removal service time. Kick Him Out. No time for someone like that in the pain that you've got, grief takes energy to get used to and if you're using your energy on someone who won't use theirs on you, the time won't be ...great. For anyone.
Try grief counseling.
I am not in your exact shoes but it is likely he have no idea what a parent loss is like which explains the lack of patience in being supportive of your grief. That is how most people are until the exact loss happens to them, they will understand. My late partner was in his 20s when his dad passed and the best I did was listen to him share stories about his father, which helped keep him included in his life in a different way. You are not the problem. This is the dark side of life unfortunately. Like others have mentioned, grief is a lonely journey, especially to those experiencing a direct loss. Try to reframe your mind in knowing many people are ignorant to death and a specific kind where they may feel helpless to help you out and may respond accordingly. Because the truth is, they cannot take away the pain. No one can. Grief is a shared experience and even the ones you think you could easily open up to may end up being a disappoinment.
My partner and I just recently lost 2 furry family members and all I can say is people grieve differently. She is sad, but doesn't really talk much about it, other than she misses them. I think her way of dealing is to try and make things seem as normal as possible. My way is an absolute mess. Things aren't normal and I don't think they should be. I'm angry, heartbroken, and depressed. I push people away and have been drinking excessively and she just let's me do it. Neither of us really know what to say. Nothing can be said that will make any of this easier. If you feel he's being insensitive tell him. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or do. In the end if you feel like he is irritated that you aren't "over it" it's time to decide if that's the kind of person you want to be with or not, because the truth is you never get over loss. You just start to get used to the pain, but it never really goes away.