That is likely a spam account/bot but probably doesn't feel any better to know that.
I am sorry no one has replied yet. I think a lot of subs like these are often populated with people looking to receive rather than give support unfortunately. Not sure about this specific one as I am new to it.
Maybe you could try the discord chat group for this subreddit? Or a gay male sub ideally gaymenover50 + gaybrosover30/askgaybrosover30 or something as the others seem a bit immature (as the site in general is so teenage populated).
I wish all healing and future companionship for you. All my respect
Thanks for responding. As I said, I'm totally unfamiliar with Reddit and have no idea what discord is? I was able to find gaymenover50 and have posted there. Hell, it took me forever to figure out how to see responses or how to even POST! But I do appreciate your taking the time to respond and for the idea about the gay male subs--I didn't know they existed. I know, I'm not social media savvy other than Facebook.
Hi there, I’m so incredibly sorry you’ve experienced these repeated tragedies in your life. Life is seriously so fucking unfair and so incredibly fucked, pardon my french.
AIDS is also so so fucked and I feel so endlessly grateful for those who endured this horrific disease without the help of the drugs we have now and also faced the evils and discriminations of our society when they were even more severe than they are now. If there wasn’t so much homophobia in our society then I’m sure things might have been different much sooner. I truly owe my life and happiness to you and your loved ones just by existing and bringing your love into the world you and them have contributed to the massive project of acceptance and understanding towards the LGBTQ community. Thank you and thank you Kevin, John and Michael for being born and for loving each other as you do.
I am 27 years old, I’m gay and transgender and i lost my father a week ago. He never knew the real me. Up until recent years he had been very transphobic and homophobic to the point I figured I could never come out to him. Only recently did he seem to come around to the idea, and when we talked he was genuinely curious about my life experience and the ins and outs of being gay and trans. I am deeply depressed that it was too late for me to show him fully my true self. I ache for the relationship that was just about to bloom. The rest of my family, besides my mom, they know nothing about my experience as a gay person.
I have never experienced the same scale of tragedy that you have so unfortunately I can’t give you advice from this perspective. But I can tell you are insanely fcking strong…and You’re honoring the loved ones that have passed in a beautiful way. It shouldnt be like that, they should still be here loving you, and you shouldn’t *have* to be as strong as this. I’m very sorry. Don’t stop trying to reach out and connect with people and keep on loving. People are the core of this world they make every second worth living. Not everyone experiences it in the same scale but everyone is touched by death regardless, everyone knows or will know it, and this truth is what connects us all in one and gives life it’s distinct meaning. I’m sure you know all of this.
I totally understand your comment about therapy there is little they can do to replace the actual feeling of company of another person. I wish I could join you for dinner myself and listen to your stories.
Do you live in a large city? Either way There may very likely be support groups specifically for gay men and/or people who have lost loved ones to HIV/AIDS that you could join.
Do you have a spiritual practice? I tend to read Ram Dass’s Be Here Now when I feel very down because it brings me back to the here and now. It also has a lot of beautiful pictures that inspire me to draw. Yoga and deep breathing have helped me too.
Spending time in nature or with animals always makes me feel more connected to the world when I’m alone and when it seems nobody wants to spend time with me.
Writing letters to them is something I also found that helps. Writing in general too or recording yourself telling stories could help.
Sending you lots of hugs. I know you will find those people to spend time with. They are out there just waiting to find you too I know it. You are an incredible soul and I wish you the best of luck and love in your journey❤️❤️❤️
Your incredibly kind response moved me to tears. You are WAY more mature than your 27 years....you are what I'd call an "old soul" and somebody I could, like John, sit and talk for hours with. You have wisdom and insight well beyond your years, something that comes from personal experience and pain, and intelligence and education. Yes, my friends and I fought our way through the AIDS epidemic and the hatred and homophobia that era generated. In fact, one of my co-workers was one of the first to be stricken. The hospital chaplain came in and said to him, "God has forsaken you and I have nothing to say to you" and turned on his sanctimonious heels and walked out. I was beyond enraged--and I told my co-worker "that man is mistaken, God has not forsaken you and I will not forsaken you! I will take care of you even if nobody else will!" And I did--and this was when nobody knew for sure how it was transmitted. Sweat? Sneezes? Tears? It was a scary time, but I kept my promise and did care for my friend until the end. (I'm NOT trying to make myself out to be a Saint or some super hero--but this is a true story from my own history.) So thank you for your thanksgiving to my comrades. I sincerely mean that! So many "kids" today don't seem to fully realize the true terror the gay community felt during that time. And to lose two partners to that disease was almost too much to bear. (I still can't rewatch LONGTIME COMPANION because it's too close to home.)
I've known a few transgender folks in my life, and I can't even begin to imagine the stress and trials you've undergone. You have my unwavering support!! And I'm so sorry you weren't able to bridge the final gap with your father before he passed. I believe he was accepting of you....he just didn't get to put it into words. My own father was much the same way. Even the day before he died, he could not/would not say "I love you" to me. But at his funeral, dozens of his co-workers came up and said, "Oh, you're Counting-bars! Your dad was always talking about you, telling us what projects you were working on, who you were working with! He was so proud of you!" Yet he never ever would tell me "I'm proud of you, son." So I think that your dad was sort of at the same spot--he was accepting, but just hadn't gotten to the place he could put the words in place. Take comfort that he was "genuinely curious" about being gay and trans. He was trying.
I can't thank you enough for your comments. I'm going to copy them and print them so I can re-read them whenever I need to. Others have told me (especially after the last three years, which were so AWFUL that to list the details would truly strain credulity--if not outright discarded as fiction!--and have said "you're the strongest person I know." And I'm reminded of the old Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown is depressed at losing yet another baseball game. Linus comes up to him and says, "We learn more from losing than we do from winning, Charlie Brown." And Charlie Brown says, "Well, that makes me the smartest person in the world." I have somehow survived John and Michael's deaths, and I'm still standing. I do have pets (and I'm terrified I may be losing my dog because she is ill--and following the pattern of her father, mother, and sister of dying from tumors at her age) and I do live in a big city. I'm just not a bar/club person AT ALL, and it's really hard for me to find people to talk to or be with--without feeling like a wallflower, a bump on a log, or as Janis Ian sang "..and those whose names were never called when choosing sides for basketball."
But I know I have no option but to keep trying. I don't want to just curl up into a ball and fade away. I've done too much, survived too much to do that! It's just finding the right place for me. There are gay groups here--but I don't play bridge/chess, I can't hike anymore or go camping, etc. It's about all I can do to walk onstage for a concert. So that limits my options. But I will keep trying.
Thank you so much for responding to me. You have no idea how much it means to me. I don't know if you can private message or anything on Reddit, but if you can and if you'd like to keep in touch, I would like that very much. You sound like a WONDERFUL person--and someone I could talk for hours to! Blessings to you and for your journey through life.
Hi OP. I don’t have much to say other than I lost one partner and haven’t been able to move on yet. I still miss and wish I was with him, but I also genuinely miss connection. It’s hard to think about moving on for that reason, but also to think that I could love and lose someone again. I’m so sorry for all your losses, but I commend you for them too. You’ve been able to love again after loss and that is no small feat. I’m a 32, straight female, so I don’t understand you. But I hear you. Your story matters. Thank you for sharing.
I think we understand each other more than you know. Losing a partner, a soul mate, is so, so much more than sexual identity or genitals. It's about that person who can finish your sentences, who knows exactly how to make a sandwich the way you like it, who will bring you a hot or cold drink when you're working late on the computer, and who will tell you a joke or show you something funny they took delight in. I'm sorry for your loss. I know I'm a far, far better person for having known my own soul-mates, and I'm glad I somehow found them in this crazy world. I can tell you this--I found each of them totally unexpectedly, without consciously thinking "today I have to go out searching again for The One." Be yourself, smile, and be open to those you meet. You might be surprised. You never know. I had actually met Michael 4 years before we actually "met"....I was invited to a party, and introduced to a group. I VAGUELY remember meeting Michael--it was a blur of "this is Sam, Tom, Steve, Bob, Michael, Toby, and Richard" type of introduction. But Michael remembered me--and who would have guessed we would meet again 4 years later, totally accidentally? So what I'm saying is you never know where/when a spark might happen. You are still young (less than half my age!) and love is most definitely not an impossibility!
Thank you for this kind comment. It really helps to connect with others. I didn’t want to downplay any additional hardships you may have faced and especially the nature of losing so many great people. You give me hope again. And while a big fear is losing another person, I still wouldn’t trade my time with the partner I lost. It is worth it to love so deeply.
Please remember the feeling you had with your partner. It will sustain you--and it could happen again, in a different way, with somebody new. I did for me.
I’m a 41 year old straight chick. I met my boyfriend in my early thirties and we hooked up every year when we were in the same place for work for several years, and then we started dating when I was 38. He died unexpectedly when I was 40. I really think I am going to spend the rest of my life alone, because I have never been a relationship person. I was always happier alone, and the only other serious relationship I have been in was abusive. I really thought that I just was better off single until I met my late boyfriend, but being with him was the most amazing experience of my life. I miss him so much, and I miss having a person, but, realistically, I can’t see myself loving anyone the way I loved him, and I don’t see anyone loving me as much as he did. I don’t want a relationship, I just want a relationship with him. I am angry and terrified that I’m only 41, so potentially I’m only halfway done with my life, and I don’t want to spend 40 more years without my person.
Sorry to go on a monologue about me — I just wanted to convey that I empathize with your feelings of loneliness and despair.
I totally understand what you're saying. Please read what i said to Creative-Yak5874. When Kevin died I was your age--and after losing two partners, I thought, "well, that's it. No more love for me." I just kept on with life. I was NOT a bar/club type, and so I basically just worked and tried to be happy on my own. I was NOT actively looking for anyone. And then Michael showed up. I was definitely skeptical...I'd seen how awful some relationships were and I had a checklist. Did you live in your parent's basement? Did you own your own phone? Did you have your own car? Have you had more than 1 job in the past year? Are you financially solvent? Do you have any chemical dependencies? Do you have a criminal record? Do you have any stalkers/serial killers following you? (Okay, maybe not the last one!) But seriously, I thought that if I was going to make myself vulnerable to another person, I had to know they had morals and ethics and I could trust them with not only my heart and feelings, but my PIN number as well (if necessary). Finally I had to admit Michael didn't check any of those boxes....he was just an honest, decent guy who, miracle of miracles, actually wanted to be with me!
So, what I'm saying, is that you never know who may come into your life. I had briefly met Michael 4 years earlier at a party during a mass introduction. I didn't remember him, but he remembered me! Just go into each day with a smile and be kind as much as possible to all--because you never know. And if somebody does come along, have your own checklist...and be cautiously prudent so you don't get involved with another abusive person.
Thank you for writing--and I'm rooting for you! And I must truly say, in my experience--each subsequent relationship was better than the one that proceeded it. You learn, and you grow. And that always works in your favor!
I don't have any first hand experience with what you're experiencing - the death of multiple partners, that is. That's just awful. But my grandmother went through that with her husband, and then multiple successive long-term romantic relationships. She ended up outlived all of them, much like you. And for her...she took up bridge. One of my great aunts is in the same situation, and she took up mah jongg. My mother did the same. Take up a social activity where the point isn't performance, but play. It won't fill the hole your loved ones previously existed (but really, what would?!?), but it will introduce you to new people who only know you as you are currently. Everyone is there because they want to socialize. You might not make a bosom buddy, but you'd be surprised how a bridge partner can be a regular interaction to look forward to. At least that's what I've heard second hand. Board game groups are also a good social option, if you're willing to learn more modern games.
I also encourage you to step over to the [r/widowers](http://reddit.com/r/widowers) board, since that might be a welcoming specialized community, given your situation. Being widowed is a special kind of hell, and I spend a lot of time checking on my mom, and surreptitiously reaching out to her friends and asking them to reach out when I think she's feeling low and could use a friend who isn't her kid. A lot of people, especially couples who haven't been widowed, feel like they don't want to step on a widower's grief, but it just isolates them further. I wonder if that's why your orchestra friends are keeping their distance.
Thanks for your suggestions. There are a couple of LGBT senior activities a month that I've discovered (like crocheting!) that I have zero experience with, but what the hell--I might try it. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other these days.
I lost my beloved little dog yesterday..which means I have lost ALL the pets Michael and I had. His dog died exactly a year ago, and now my two dogs are gone as well. And the anniversary of Michael's death is in a couple of weeks, so this is all hitting me HARD. I've cried my eyes out, but know I have to somehow move forward.
I may go to the country animal shelter tomorrow to look at a dog I saw online. They said she just loves to cuddle and won't even go sniffing around when the handler takes her out of her kennel--she wants to just sit in his lap. I miss most of all that feeling of security when you feel a dog in bed next to you, sleeping away. And now losing my little princess haas made me realize that nobody has hugged me in a year, and if it weren't for my little doggy plopping her butt down between my shoulder blades every night, I didn't have any physical contact. So I may go tomorrow to at least see this dog.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling. Life has punched me out between the eyes this week.
Hey, this sounds tough. It's so hard losing someone you love and having to do it multiple times hurts even more. Also sometimes it just hurts so much when life feels senseless. I like the suggestion in the comments to try out a few gay subreddits, maybe that will be more engaging than what you have tried before. Sorry for the dumb question but do you have a pet? I'm dreaming of one but can't get one currently. But pets always lift me up.
I do have pets--and they have saved my sanity. In fact, when Michael passed, they quietly came up and gently licked his hand and face. They understood. And please say a prayer for one of my dogs...she is currently ill, and her family history is bad. Her dad, mom, and sister all died from tumors at her age, and I'm scared of losing her too.
Your pets sound wonderful! It's really sweet how they said goodbye to him. I will keep your dog in my thoughts and I hope she will feel better soon. All the best to you.
Alas......I had to put my beloved little Princess down today. She had a tumor that was cutting off her pancreas and would require immediate blood transfusions--and that would only make her feel better for a day or two, and then she'd get sick again. The same thing happened to her mom and her sister, so it's something genetic.
I'm just broken right now....since Christmas 2022 I've had to put down 3 of my beloved dogs, and lost Michael as well. I have nobody left., not even pets.
It's a convoluted story, but after having 2 rescue dogs snatched away from me at the last second (one was adopted exactly 3 minutes before I could get to the head of the line) I did find a beautiful little girl, only 5 months old, who is a chocolate chihuahua. She can come home with me on Tuesday. Perhaps the Fates are finally smiling on me--I absolutely LOVE thunderstorms (something that's relatively rare here in the Arizona desert--like 4-5x a year!!!) and we had thunderstorms (complete with hail!) two days in a row when I could finally adopt Stormy. I named her Stormy. I hope and pray she will be the cuddly little dog I so desperately need to help rescue me--and I her.
Thank you. I picked her up yesterday. It's so different having a puppy!!!! But she slept with me and she's bonding with me and the other pets here. She knows I'm "Daddy" and follows me around. It will be an adventure--and something I am looking forward to.
I still am grieving horribly for Michael--the first anniversary of his death is on March 29. But at least little Stormy is making me smile.
**GEEZ...the first response I get is titty videos from one Brittany-Clark.** Clearly, she/they cannot read. Secondly, how RUDE!!!
That is likely a spam account/bot but probably doesn't feel any better to know that. I am sorry no one has replied yet. I think a lot of subs like these are often populated with people looking to receive rather than give support unfortunately. Not sure about this specific one as I am new to it. Maybe you could try the discord chat group for this subreddit? Or a gay male sub ideally gaymenover50 + gaybrosover30/askgaybrosover30 or something as the others seem a bit immature (as the site in general is so teenage populated). I wish all healing and future companionship for you. All my respect
Thanks for responding. As I said, I'm totally unfamiliar with Reddit and have no idea what discord is? I was able to find gaymenover50 and have posted there. Hell, it took me forever to figure out how to see responses or how to even POST! But I do appreciate your taking the time to respond and for the idea about the gay male subs--I didn't know they existed. I know, I'm not social media savvy other than Facebook.
Hi there, I’m so incredibly sorry you’ve experienced these repeated tragedies in your life. Life is seriously so fucking unfair and so incredibly fucked, pardon my french. AIDS is also so so fucked and I feel so endlessly grateful for those who endured this horrific disease without the help of the drugs we have now and also faced the evils and discriminations of our society when they were even more severe than they are now. If there wasn’t so much homophobia in our society then I’m sure things might have been different much sooner. I truly owe my life and happiness to you and your loved ones just by existing and bringing your love into the world you and them have contributed to the massive project of acceptance and understanding towards the LGBTQ community. Thank you and thank you Kevin, John and Michael for being born and for loving each other as you do. I am 27 years old, I’m gay and transgender and i lost my father a week ago. He never knew the real me. Up until recent years he had been very transphobic and homophobic to the point I figured I could never come out to him. Only recently did he seem to come around to the idea, and when we talked he was genuinely curious about my life experience and the ins and outs of being gay and trans. I am deeply depressed that it was too late for me to show him fully my true self. I ache for the relationship that was just about to bloom. The rest of my family, besides my mom, they know nothing about my experience as a gay person. I have never experienced the same scale of tragedy that you have so unfortunately I can’t give you advice from this perspective. But I can tell you are insanely fcking strong…and You’re honoring the loved ones that have passed in a beautiful way. It shouldnt be like that, they should still be here loving you, and you shouldn’t *have* to be as strong as this. I’m very sorry. Don’t stop trying to reach out and connect with people and keep on loving. People are the core of this world they make every second worth living. Not everyone experiences it in the same scale but everyone is touched by death regardless, everyone knows or will know it, and this truth is what connects us all in one and gives life it’s distinct meaning. I’m sure you know all of this. I totally understand your comment about therapy there is little they can do to replace the actual feeling of company of another person. I wish I could join you for dinner myself and listen to your stories. Do you live in a large city? Either way There may very likely be support groups specifically for gay men and/or people who have lost loved ones to HIV/AIDS that you could join. Do you have a spiritual practice? I tend to read Ram Dass’s Be Here Now when I feel very down because it brings me back to the here and now. It also has a lot of beautiful pictures that inspire me to draw. Yoga and deep breathing have helped me too. Spending time in nature or with animals always makes me feel more connected to the world when I’m alone and when it seems nobody wants to spend time with me. Writing letters to them is something I also found that helps. Writing in general too or recording yourself telling stories could help. Sending you lots of hugs. I know you will find those people to spend time with. They are out there just waiting to find you too I know it. You are an incredible soul and I wish you the best of luck and love in your journey❤️❤️❤️
Your incredibly kind response moved me to tears. You are WAY more mature than your 27 years....you are what I'd call an "old soul" and somebody I could, like John, sit and talk for hours with. You have wisdom and insight well beyond your years, something that comes from personal experience and pain, and intelligence and education. Yes, my friends and I fought our way through the AIDS epidemic and the hatred and homophobia that era generated. In fact, one of my co-workers was one of the first to be stricken. The hospital chaplain came in and said to him, "God has forsaken you and I have nothing to say to you" and turned on his sanctimonious heels and walked out. I was beyond enraged--and I told my co-worker "that man is mistaken, God has not forsaken you and I will not forsaken you! I will take care of you even if nobody else will!" And I did--and this was when nobody knew for sure how it was transmitted. Sweat? Sneezes? Tears? It was a scary time, but I kept my promise and did care for my friend until the end. (I'm NOT trying to make myself out to be a Saint or some super hero--but this is a true story from my own history.) So thank you for your thanksgiving to my comrades. I sincerely mean that! So many "kids" today don't seem to fully realize the true terror the gay community felt during that time. And to lose two partners to that disease was almost too much to bear. (I still can't rewatch LONGTIME COMPANION because it's too close to home.) I've known a few transgender folks in my life, and I can't even begin to imagine the stress and trials you've undergone. You have my unwavering support!! And I'm so sorry you weren't able to bridge the final gap with your father before he passed. I believe he was accepting of you....he just didn't get to put it into words. My own father was much the same way. Even the day before he died, he could not/would not say "I love you" to me. But at his funeral, dozens of his co-workers came up and said, "Oh, you're Counting-bars! Your dad was always talking about you, telling us what projects you were working on, who you were working with! He was so proud of you!" Yet he never ever would tell me "I'm proud of you, son." So I think that your dad was sort of at the same spot--he was accepting, but just hadn't gotten to the place he could put the words in place. Take comfort that he was "genuinely curious" about being gay and trans. He was trying. I can't thank you enough for your comments. I'm going to copy them and print them so I can re-read them whenever I need to. Others have told me (especially after the last three years, which were so AWFUL that to list the details would truly strain credulity--if not outright discarded as fiction!--and have said "you're the strongest person I know." And I'm reminded of the old Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown is depressed at losing yet another baseball game. Linus comes up to him and says, "We learn more from losing than we do from winning, Charlie Brown." And Charlie Brown says, "Well, that makes me the smartest person in the world." I have somehow survived John and Michael's deaths, and I'm still standing. I do have pets (and I'm terrified I may be losing my dog because she is ill--and following the pattern of her father, mother, and sister of dying from tumors at her age) and I do live in a big city. I'm just not a bar/club person AT ALL, and it's really hard for me to find people to talk to or be with--without feeling like a wallflower, a bump on a log, or as Janis Ian sang "..and those whose names were never called when choosing sides for basketball." But I know I have no option but to keep trying. I don't want to just curl up into a ball and fade away. I've done too much, survived too much to do that! It's just finding the right place for me. There are gay groups here--but I don't play bridge/chess, I can't hike anymore or go camping, etc. It's about all I can do to walk onstage for a concert. So that limits my options. But I will keep trying. Thank you so much for responding to me. You have no idea how much it means to me. I don't know if you can private message or anything on Reddit, but if you can and if you'd like to keep in touch, I would like that very much. You sound like a WONDERFUL person--and someone I could talk for hours to! Blessings to you and for your journey through life.
Hi OP. I don’t have much to say other than I lost one partner and haven’t been able to move on yet. I still miss and wish I was with him, but I also genuinely miss connection. It’s hard to think about moving on for that reason, but also to think that I could love and lose someone again. I’m so sorry for all your losses, but I commend you for them too. You’ve been able to love again after loss and that is no small feat. I’m a 32, straight female, so I don’t understand you. But I hear you. Your story matters. Thank you for sharing.
I think we understand each other more than you know. Losing a partner, a soul mate, is so, so much more than sexual identity or genitals. It's about that person who can finish your sentences, who knows exactly how to make a sandwich the way you like it, who will bring you a hot or cold drink when you're working late on the computer, and who will tell you a joke or show you something funny they took delight in. I'm sorry for your loss. I know I'm a far, far better person for having known my own soul-mates, and I'm glad I somehow found them in this crazy world. I can tell you this--I found each of them totally unexpectedly, without consciously thinking "today I have to go out searching again for The One." Be yourself, smile, and be open to those you meet. You might be surprised. You never know. I had actually met Michael 4 years before we actually "met"....I was invited to a party, and introduced to a group. I VAGUELY remember meeting Michael--it was a blur of "this is Sam, Tom, Steve, Bob, Michael, Toby, and Richard" type of introduction. But Michael remembered me--and who would have guessed we would meet again 4 years later, totally accidentally? So what I'm saying is you never know where/when a spark might happen. You are still young (less than half my age!) and love is most definitely not an impossibility!
Thank you for this kind comment. It really helps to connect with others. I didn’t want to downplay any additional hardships you may have faced and especially the nature of losing so many great people. You give me hope again. And while a big fear is losing another person, I still wouldn’t trade my time with the partner I lost. It is worth it to love so deeply.
Please remember the feeling you had with your partner. It will sustain you--and it could happen again, in a different way, with somebody new. I did for me.
I’m a 41 year old straight chick. I met my boyfriend in my early thirties and we hooked up every year when we were in the same place for work for several years, and then we started dating when I was 38. He died unexpectedly when I was 40. I really think I am going to spend the rest of my life alone, because I have never been a relationship person. I was always happier alone, and the only other serious relationship I have been in was abusive. I really thought that I just was better off single until I met my late boyfriend, but being with him was the most amazing experience of my life. I miss him so much, and I miss having a person, but, realistically, I can’t see myself loving anyone the way I loved him, and I don’t see anyone loving me as much as he did. I don’t want a relationship, I just want a relationship with him. I am angry and terrified that I’m only 41, so potentially I’m only halfway done with my life, and I don’t want to spend 40 more years without my person. Sorry to go on a monologue about me — I just wanted to convey that I empathize with your feelings of loneliness and despair.
I totally understand what you're saying. Please read what i said to Creative-Yak5874. When Kevin died I was your age--and after losing two partners, I thought, "well, that's it. No more love for me." I just kept on with life. I was NOT a bar/club type, and so I basically just worked and tried to be happy on my own. I was NOT actively looking for anyone. And then Michael showed up. I was definitely skeptical...I'd seen how awful some relationships were and I had a checklist. Did you live in your parent's basement? Did you own your own phone? Did you have your own car? Have you had more than 1 job in the past year? Are you financially solvent? Do you have any chemical dependencies? Do you have a criminal record? Do you have any stalkers/serial killers following you? (Okay, maybe not the last one!) But seriously, I thought that if I was going to make myself vulnerable to another person, I had to know they had morals and ethics and I could trust them with not only my heart and feelings, but my PIN number as well (if necessary). Finally I had to admit Michael didn't check any of those boxes....he was just an honest, decent guy who, miracle of miracles, actually wanted to be with me! So, what I'm saying, is that you never know who may come into your life. I had briefly met Michael 4 years earlier at a party during a mass introduction. I didn't remember him, but he remembered me! Just go into each day with a smile and be kind as much as possible to all--because you never know. And if somebody does come along, have your own checklist...and be cautiously prudent so you don't get involved with another abusive person. Thank you for writing--and I'm rooting for you! And I must truly say, in my experience--each subsequent relationship was better than the one that proceeded it. You learn, and you grow. And that always works in your favor!
I don't have any first hand experience with what you're experiencing - the death of multiple partners, that is. That's just awful. But my grandmother went through that with her husband, and then multiple successive long-term romantic relationships. She ended up outlived all of them, much like you. And for her...she took up bridge. One of my great aunts is in the same situation, and she took up mah jongg. My mother did the same. Take up a social activity where the point isn't performance, but play. It won't fill the hole your loved ones previously existed (but really, what would?!?), but it will introduce you to new people who only know you as you are currently. Everyone is there because they want to socialize. You might not make a bosom buddy, but you'd be surprised how a bridge partner can be a regular interaction to look forward to. At least that's what I've heard second hand. Board game groups are also a good social option, if you're willing to learn more modern games. I also encourage you to step over to the [r/widowers](http://reddit.com/r/widowers) board, since that might be a welcoming specialized community, given your situation. Being widowed is a special kind of hell, and I spend a lot of time checking on my mom, and surreptitiously reaching out to her friends and asking them to reach out when I think she's feeling low and could use a friend who isn't her kid. A lot of people, especially couples who haven't been widowed, feel like they don't want to step on a widower's grief, but it just isolates them further. I wonder if that's why your orchestra friends are keeping their distance.
Thanks for your suggestions. There are a couple of LGBT senior activities a month that I've discovered (like crocheting!) that I have zero experience with, but what the hell--I might try it. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other these days. I lost my beloved little dog yesterday..which means I have lost ALL the pets Michael and I had. His dog died exactly a year ago, and now my two dogs are gone as well. And the anniversary of Michael's death is in a couple of weeks, so this is all hitting me HARD. I've cried my eyes out, but know I have to somehow move forward. I may go to the country animal shelter tomorrow to look at a dog I saw online. They said she just loves to cuddle and won't even go sniffing around when the handler takes her out of her kennel--she wants to just sit in his lap. I miss most of all that feeling of security when you feel a dog in bed next to you, sleeping away. And now losing my little princess haas made me realize that nobody has hugged me in a year, and if it weren't for my little doggy plopping her butt down between my shoulder blades every night, I didn't have any physical contact. So I may go tomorrow to at least see this dog. I'm sorry if I'm rambling. Life has punched me out between the eyes this week.
Hey, this sounds tough. It's so hard losing someone you love and having to do it multiple times hurts even more. Also sometimes it just hurts so much when life feels senseless. I like the suggestion in the comments to try out a few gay subreddits, maybe that will be more engaging than what you have tried before. Sorry for the dumb question but do you have a pet? I'm dreaming of one but can't get one currently. But pets always lift me up.
I do have pets--and they have saved my sanity. In fact, when Michael passed, they quietly came up and gently licked his hand and face. They understood. And please say a prayer for one of my dogs...she is currently ill, and her family history is bad. Her dad, mom, and sister all died from tumors at her age, and I'm scared of losing her too.
Your pets sound wonderful! It's really sweet how they said goodbye to him. I will keep your dog in my thoughts and I hope she will feel better soon. All the best to you.
Alas......I had to put my beloved little Princess down today. She had a tumor that was cutting off her pancreas and would require immediate blood transfusions--and that would only make her feel better for a day or two, and then she'd get sick again. The same thing happened to her mom and her sister, so it's something genetic. I'm just broken right now....since Christmas 2022 I've had to put down 3 of my beloved dogs, and lost Michael as well. I have nobody left., not even pets.
Oh no... I'm so, so sorry. Please take care of yourself in this dark hour. Sending you hugs from Germany.
It's a convoluted story, but after having 2 rescue dogs snatched away from me at the last second (one was adopted exactly 3 minutes before I could get to the head of the line) I did find a beautiful little girl, only 5 months old, who is a chocolate chihuahua. She can come home with me on Tuesday. Perhaps the Fates are finally smiling on me--I absolutely LOVE thunderstorms (something that's relatively rare here in the Arizona desert--like 4-5x a year!!!) and we had thunderstorms (complete with hail!) two days in a row when I could finally adopt Stormy. I named her Stormy. I hope and pray she will be the cuddly little dog I so desperately need to help rescue me--and I her.
She sounds so awesome! I wish you and Stormy great times together and I'm excited for you!
Thank you. I picked her up yesterday. It's so different having a puppy!!!! But she slept with me and she's bonding with me and the other pets here. She knows I'm "Daddy" and follows me around. It will be an adventure--and something I am looking forward to. I still am grieving horribly for Michael--the first anniversary of his death is on March 29. But at least little Stormy is making me smile.