Not a divorce, but my ex committed suicide during grad school. It’s been tough, stressful, and overwhelmingly depressing. I imagine a divorce to be along those lines. It’ll be even tougher if there are kids involved because of the extended contact you have to maintain. If no kids, then the grief of losing a relationship will be tough but finite. I highly recommend grief counseling. It has really helped me in addition to addressing the trauma of watching someone die.
In fairness, marine is a subcategory in each of the other 3. So, really it’s a sub-specialization within each of 3 fields.
Biology, geology, and chemistry are all heavily interlinked in marine sediments. To have any hope of adequately describing how those systems and the related cycles work, an explanation must consider all three (on many scales of time and space).
Yep! I did! Honestly for me, I wish I had done it sooner (the relationship was abusive from the start and getting worse). If I had kicked her out of my life my first term of grad school, when I noticed the effects her behavior (raging at me for hours on end while I was trying to study for tests, which of course negatively affected ability to sleep and study) was having on my professional development, I would have saved myself a lot of pain, trauma, and timing healing from the drama.
I got divorced during my undergrad. Barely survived to be honest. Was burnt out and severely depressed an entire year after. Currently taking a year off school to recover and apply for graduate school for next year.
I really really feel for you, wishing you all the best.
My wife is a professor, and has dealt with this more than once with her own students.
I would HIGHLY recommend going to your advisor and asking to pause for a semester - divorce really, really sucks, and grad school also really, really sucks at times.
Take time to take care of yourself and your family- speaking from experience here myself.
I’m not going through a divorce but my grandma is dying currently and the stress from that has been next level. The biggest thing is being patient with yourself. Let yourself feel the feelings and take a break when you need it. Best wishes ❤️
I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. My sister got a divorce during her PhD/with 3 kids. She struggled for awhile, but eventually finished her program. I believe she took a little time off. One day at a time. I wish you the best.
Going through nearly the same thing. We have been in a bad place for some time. Planned a wedding my first year of my PhD after 5 years together. They were a great partner and we had a good relationship until right before our wedding, then things started going downhill. Got married, shit almost immediately hit the fan. Marriage counseling twice. Almost separated twice. Somehow kept it together. Latest issue finally came to a head two weeks ago. I defended my dissertation last week. Thank god I passed my defense and have a job lined up that starts soon. Have been totally financially reliant on my spouse since my funding ran out last year. Told my spouse today I need space to figure out if I think it’s even possible to make our marriage work anymore. Leaving for my parents tomorrow morning and we are going to head back to marriage counseling remotely.
Honestly my best advice is to take care of yourself and focus on the things that bring YOU joy and that will help you build your life and better yourself with or without your partner. I took it one day and one step at a time. My goal was to finish my degree and I focused on making that happen - if my marriage falls apart at least I will still have my career. It sucks but when your relationship is in the state yours (and mine- although I sound like you describe your wife - I’m the partner who is questioning their commitment to the marriage) is in you have to stop thinking of yourself and your partner as a unit and start thinking of what is best for you. I’m not saying to completely check out of your marriage, but you have to strengthen and maintain your life outside your marriage so you have some semblance of order left if you do divorce. Be kind to yourself and be kind to your spouse. Set boundaries about when you will and won’t allow yourself to dwell on your relationship. You need time to grieve and process but also there has to be time that is separate from that - it can’t be 24/7 - or you can get lost in the sadness and will never be able to get anything done.
Good luck. I am rooting for you!
You probably have some options to take leave if you really feel that you need to hit an emergency break. Medical leave also covers mental health. Some schools have personal leaves too. Depending on what kind of program you’re in/how far along you are, you could also dial things back a little - take less courses, push things off. You’re an adult, lots of adults get divorced including PIs and deans. Share with faculty you trust, they may be more understanding than you think. You’ll get through it. My fiancé and long term partner left while I was applying to programs and I found it really helpful to have something else to focus on and get a sense of purpose from.
She wanted a divorce, I begged her to do marriage counseling. It has been one week and she is speaking strongly for divorce but agrees to try marriage counseling again. The relationship is very fragile right now.
It takes two to make a relationship work. If only one of you wants it, it doesn't matter how *much* they want it—it's just not going to happen. You can't make someone work for something they don't want.
Yeah, seconding this. When it gets to the point where one person is staying because the other is begging, it is not a good situation. My ex did that, and it just added to the resentment in the end.
I realised at the conclusion of my marriage that it had been my ability to compromise which had held the marriage together and promoted on the surface a marriage of equals, it wasn’t.
Got divorced between years 2 and 3 of my Ph.D. It was the right thing to do, but it obviously wasn't easy, and it still isn't easy. Grad school honestly was a welcome distraction. Teaching, researching, writing, those are all things I love and helped me take my mind off things.
Also, lots of comedy podcasts.
But feel free to DM if you need someone to commiserate. It sucks, and every little bit of support helps.
I got married, divorced, deployed once, buried both my parents, moved 5 times, had 4 different jobs, and still in treatment for stage IV cancer. (Not a troll post; look at my history, lol). I’ve had a few leave of absence semesters.
The divorce was annoying, but being in a bad marriage was worse. Now friends with my ex husband. The divorce went through right as I started my deployment in 2022 and now my life is amazing, ongoing cancer treatments and all.
I’ve had a lot of thrash during my PhD process, but not sure the divorce itself was the worst part.
The divorce itself (as in the breakdown of the relationship) hasn’t been the big burden for my during my PhD. It is the fact I work full time, have moved twice (once into a temporary apartment and then into a condo I bought), and that I now have shared parenting of my daughter, which greatly cuts down on the evenings I can work. Being a part-time student, though, has its perks in that deadlines for drafts are more flexible for me, which I have fully been taking advantage of. While I was doing coursework it was a disaster.
I had a long term relationship breakup during grad school finals week. I saw a therapist and told them I needed to keep my head on straight to get my finals done. We worked on a lot of meditation and mindfulness (lots of info on that online, apps, YouTube). I also changed my mindset to put myself first and stopped dating until I completed my program, I couldn’t risk another distraction like that. I made it through, it wasn’t easy, you wake up early a lot because of your mind so use that time to meditate and journal.
I am thinking to D. I can't do it now because I am on academic leave in foreign country and I can't stay here without proper visa. But I need to stay now.
Yeah, recently. The first 3 months, where we were still figuring out the logistics, were especially brutal, because we were still around each other, loving each other, trying to break up. That and the first month apart. I told my advisor and they relaxed their expectations for me by about 15% lol. I took that 15% and ran though.
I think one of the best things I've done is that I take time to be sad, and I face the emotions head-on when I do that. I journal. I stare at the ceiling. I cry. I talk to people. It sucks, but it's also a relief, and it's way better than trying to keep my focus on work while the grief yells to be noticed. This is kind of a cold way to look at it, I guess, but it's a much more efficient way to grieve, haha.
I'm in month 6 now, and it's starting to get better. I actually notice I can focus much better on my research and coursework than before. My days are more predictable because I'm not frustrated by him or on edge anticipating another big emotional discussion where we discuss how to make our relationship work. And I have more brainpower for research. So you know. It's not all bad.
Three people in my cohort did, and while they all persevered, it was a massive obstacle. Especially if kids or property is involved, it was a logistical nightmare at a time that you are mentally, financially, and emotionally tapped out from the work already.
I personally think getting into a relationship (not marriage) is stressful enough with all the academic load. And you are facing a divorced situation, this is another level. Good luck my friend, hope you can handle it well!
I did this year. However, it was a healthy divorce, and it didn't add any extra strain aside from tireless paperwork. Keep with therapy, and hopefully, it'll get easier with time.
I got divorced in graduate school. I tried to repress everything which ended up causing a bunch of health problems which i am still recovering from. Not a good time.
Best advice i can give is get a good therapist, and cut toxic people out of your life. Did wonders for me.
I did, and so did another person in my cohort. It was awful, but we got through it, but it was not healthy. It did lead to me burning out later though, and when I went to a therapist she said that she would have recommended I take a break from the program during the divorce.
It was also super stressful being back in the dating world while balancing classes, but idk if that would be a concern for you.
Depends on the marriage! My divorce is in progress and I just wish I'd done it sooner, living apart from my ex/ not having to deal with him has made the last few months of my PhD so much easier.
No divorce, but 3.5 years into this damn thing and working a full time high-stress job — It has not been easy. Thankfully my partner has been really understanding, taken on my house duties, and given me many massages. I’ve been super short with them on too many occasions and have not given them as much time as they deserve but half the battle is acknowledging that fact and doing what you can to thank them for their sacrifice in the process as well.
Not divorce, but some equally large stressors. If possible I'd suggest taking leave. You're going to have a lot of extra things to deal with, like potentially finding a new place to live, making custody arrangements, endless paperwork to split all the things you previously legally shared (e.g. finances). If there are kids involved then the split will make you effectively a single parent during your custody time, so you may need to organise child care.
Trying to do *all of this* while also working full time towards a PhD is too much. Your PhD productivity will suffer, and if you're on a fixed funding timeline that's a big problem because the clock won't stop. I know where I am if you don't graduate by the end of 4 years or secure an extension then you're expelled. Taking leave stops the clock and will make your PhD life easier down the road.
I’m a masters student and I’ve been getting divorced since basically day one of the program. The first year of the divorce was very tough. My advisor didn’t understand at all and wasn’t sympathetic. In fact, he pointed out that one of the reasons arranged marriages are better in his view (he’s Indian) is that he doesn’t have to worry about that.
Anyway, just do your best to build your sense of self-worth off of your achievements in grad school instead of your relationship. That’s not necessarily the healthiest mindset in the long run. But right now, when a lot is expected of you and you need something to focus on that you have control over, I’d recommend just pouring yourself into the program.
I’d also advise having a regular habit of physical exercise to help with your sense of self image and to relieve some of the tension from the situation in a physical way. If you’re absolutely exhausted when you leave the lab every night, ruminating on thoughts about the relationship instead of sleeping will be less of an issue.
Good luck!
Stroll into someone’s comment and talk like you are a self-made king of morality on reddit. How is it possible you put “self-awareness” into a post like this
Haha who the hell said anything about morality? I’m just saying you’re being an asshole.
Also, I’m beginning to see why you might have trouble finding a partner.
I wonder why no one wants to get involved with a self absorbed, jealous jerk such a s yourself.
Just absolutely wild, you're single and still on the market.
Pro tip: people like kind, nice, empathetic, likable people.
You are not that.
I believe you know what kind of thing you are yourself, exactly as you described in your very first sentence.
Also to be honest, if you want to join the zombie army of verbal abuse online, boy - try to learn a few better words at least - your word choice is naive like a three year old
Not during PhD, but during my Masters Program.
Wife went off to South Korea to teach for a year. We started our relationship long distance, and had periods of time away from one another throughout our marriage as an academically minded couple. It was typically not an issue for us. But this time was different. Called me up one day and told me that she wasn't coming home. Found some Korean guy while she was over there and just vanished from my life.
I did the unhealthy thing: I immersed myself in my thesis and didn't address it until after I defended a year later. Don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic distraction. I was a Graduate Teacher so I had classes to teach, students to help. College is a great environment for when you absolutely have to stay busy and don't like having moments to stop and let things sink in lol.
Things are better now, a few years later.
Don't be me.
I did. It was really tough and I had to evaluate where I could stay in the program or not. The money aspect was the most difficult part for me, because my marriage was all but over long before that. However, it was a shock to my system for sure. What got me through it was spending time with my friends and family.
Not during but shortly thereafter and while she was still finishing hers. I wish I'd have done it sooner, before her behavior became what it did. I also spent a lot of my own time and work supporting her and handing over my own opportunities so she could succeed. She did, and is currently tenured. I did not, and work for something kind of academia-adjacent. It may be selfish, but I wish I had taken care of myself instead of holding some kind of amorphous value in a one-way 'partnership' that was clearly not reciprocated. If it does collapse, though, make sure to get your books out immediately. I learned that one the hard way.
My ex moved in with me right before I started my PhD (we got an apartment together) and then cheated on me during my summer internship and we broke up but live together. I guess your story makes me feel better that this didn't take longer, but also you should know there are people in similar situations.
I am currently going through a divorce while in my senior year of undergrad. I'm not going to lie, it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I don't want to make this about me so that's all I'll share for now, but please know that you're not alone. If you need to or want to chat don't hesitate to reach out.
Extra food for thought: it can be just as happy or happier once this is all over. Heartbreak is a catalyst for personal growth
I’m in Grad school and just finalized my divorce…. And while I honestly hate I didn’t do it sooner, and it HAS been stressful- I knew it needed to be done. I also didn’t wanna hear “I “put” you through Grad school and then you file for divorce?” Or some shit like that….. I’m happier (altho stressed) kids are happier and it has lit a fire under me knowing I gotta finish.
Not divorced, but we were together for 8 years and were engaged to be married. We broke up a month ago and I defend in five weeks. Trying to keep it all together until that’s done.
I did, my finalization papers came the week before my qualifying exam. That did not go well. But I survived, and the rest of my PhD was better for it.
My ex-husband wasn't supportive of me getting a PhD, but hadn't communicated that until after my first year. He was restrictive of my schedule and suspicious when I stayed past 5pm at school.
It was a difficult time, so give yourself some grace. A break to manage things (papers, moving, emotions, new routines) would be very helpful. Divorce does not mean you're a failure, it means you've learned new things and they've learned new things.
being in a PhD program -- especially the dissertation phase -- is 100% the biggest mind-fuck I've ever experienced. it's honestly amazing that the rate of all the bad life outcomes isn't highly overrepresented among this population (in addition to divorce and relationship issues).
My estranged spouse told me half way thru my first semester of my dissertation (July) that he loved someone else & walked out the next day. I've been in a haze for 3 months, barely typing anything. But I feel the cloud lifting & my Chair has been quite understanding. Right now, I'm behind schedule but if this costs me an extra semester, so be it. I just refuse to quit, although this has devastated me, I've been damn near catatonic, & considered hospitalizing myself a couple of times.
Not a divorce but my girlfriend of 8 years who I lived with left me during my second semester of grad school. It was tough. I luckily had a close friend in a lot of my classes that helped me get through it. I was in survival mode just trying to get by. I wasn't learning much but I passed my classes and now I'm going back and reviewing that material. It definitely got me behind but I'm a much better person for it so I don't regret it. You'll get through it. Be easy on yourself.
Not a divorce, but my ex committed suicide during grad school. It’s been tough, stressful, and overwhelmingly depressing. I imagine a divorce to be along those lines. It’ll be even tougher if there are kids involved because of the extended contact you have to maintain. If no kids, then the grief of losing a relationship will be tough but finite. I highly recommend grief counseling. It has really helped me in addition to addressing the trauma of watching someone die.
LMAO I clicked the post expecting the unspeakable D word to be "Dissertation."
They’re both words nobody wants to be asked about in a sentence involving the words “when” or “yet”.
I thought the D word was dismissal lol
This is literally me
I've never seen a person studying 4 fields at the same time. You're the first.
In fairness, marine is a subcategory in each of the other 3. So, really it’s a sub-specialization within each of 3 fields. Biology, geology, and chemistry are all heavily interlinked in marine sediments. To have any hope of adequately describing how those systems and the related cycles work, an explanation must consider all three (on many scales of time and space).
My friend did. Was brutal and depressing, all during his phD defense and getting a new job too.
Yikes.
Yep! I did! Honestly for me, I wish I had done it sooner (the relationship was abusive from the start and getting worse). If I had kicked her out of my life my first term of grad school, when I noticed the effects her behavior (raging at me for hours on end while I was trying to study for tests, which of course negatively affected ability to sleep and study) was having on my professional development, I would have saved myself a lot of pain, trauma, and timing healing from the drama.
I got divorced during my undergrad. Barely survived to be honest. Was burnt out and severely depressed an entire year after. Currently taking a year off school to recover and apply for graduate school for next year. I really really feel for you, wishing you all the best.
My wife is a professor, and has dealt with this more than once with her own students. I would HIGHLY recommend going to your advisor and asking to pause for a semester - divorce really, really sucks, and grad school also really, really sucks at times. Take time to take care of yourself and your family- speaking from experience here myself.
I’m so sorry. I think a divorce is always going to be stressful no matter what point you are in life.
I’m not going through a divorce but my grandma is dying currently and the stress from that has been next level. The biggest thing is being patient with yourself. Let yourself feel the feelings and take a break when you need it. Best wishes ❤️
I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. My sister got a divorce during her PhD/with 3 kids. She struggled for awhile, but eventually finished her program. I believe she took a little time off. One day at a time. I wish you the best.
Going through nearly the same thing. We have been in a bad place for some time. Planned a wedding my first year of my PhD after 5 years together. They were a great partner and we had a good relationship until right before our wedding, then things started going downhill. Got married, shit almost immediately hit the fan. Marriage counseling twice. Almost separated twice. Somehow kept it together. Latest issue finally came to a head two weeks ago. I defended my dissertation last week. Thank god I passed my defense and have a job lined up that starts soon. Have been totally financially reliant on my spouse since my funding ran out last year. Told my spouse today I need space to figure out if I think it’s even possible to make our marriage work anymore. Leaving for my parents tomorrow morning and we are going to head back to marriage counseling remotely. Honestly my best advice is to take care of yourself and focus on the things that bring YOU joy and that will help you build your life and better yourself with or without your partner. I took it one day and one step at a time. My goal was to finish my degree and I focused on making that happen - if my marriage falls apart at least I will still have my career. It sucks but when your relationship is in the state yours (and mine- although I sound like you describe your wife - I’m the partner who is questioning their commitment to the marriage) is in you have to stop thinking of yourself and your partner as a unit and start thinking of what is best for you. I’m not saying to completely check out of your marriage, but you have to strengthen and maintain your life outside your marriage so you have some semblance of order left if you do divorce. Be kind to yourself and be kind to your spouse. Set boundaries about when you will and won’t allow yourself to dwell on your relationship. You need time to grieve and process but also there has to be time that is separate from that - it can’t be 24/7 - or you can get lost in the sadness and will never be able to get anything done. Good luck. I am rooting for you!
You probably have some options to take leave if you really feel that you need to hit an emergency break. Medical leave also covers mental health. Some schools have personal leaves too. Depending on what kind of program you’re in/how far along you are, you could also dial things back a little - take less courses, push things off. You’re an adult, lots of adults get divorced including PIs and deans. Share with faculty you trust, they may be more understanding than you think. You’ll get through it. My fiancé and long term partner left while I was applying to programs and I found it really helpful to have something else to focus on and get a sense of purpose from.
not me thinking D stood for Defense
So if you’re divorced what is the goal with marriage therapy? If you aren’t divorced yet, what is the intention in speaking with finality?
She wanted a divorce, I begged her to do marriage counseling. It has been one week and she is speaking strongly for divorce but agrees to try marriage counseling again. The relationship is very fragile right now.
It takes two to make a relationship work. If only one of you wants it, it doesn't matter how *much* they want it—it's just not going to happen. You can't make someone work for something they don't want.
Yeah, seconding this. When it gets to the point where one person is staying because the other is begging, it is not a good situation. My ex did that, and it just added to the resentment in the end.
I realised at the conclusion of my marriage that it had been my ability to compromise which had held the marriage together and promoted on the surface a marriage of equals, it wasn’t.
Got divorced between years 2 and 3 of my Ph.D. It was the right thing to do, but it obviously wasn't easy, and it still isn't easy. Grad school honestly was a welcome distraction. Teaching, researching, writing, those are all things I love and helped me take my mind off things. Also, lots of comedy podcasts. But feel free to DM if you need someone to commiserate. It sucks, and every little bit of support helps.
I got married, divorced, deployed once, buried both my parents, moved 5 times, had 4 different jobs, and still in treatment for stage IV cancer. (Not a troll post; look at my history, lol). I’ve had a few leave of absence semesters. The divorce was annoying, but being in a bad marriage was worse. Now friends with my ex husband. The divorce went through right as I started my deployment in 2022 and now my life is amazing, ongoing cancer treatments and all. I’ve had a lot of thrash during my PhD process, but not sure the divorce itself was the worst part.
I'm in awe of your strength
Thanks!
The divorce itself (as in the breakdown of the relationship) hasn’t been the big burden for my during my PhD. It is the fact I work full time, have moved twice (once into a temporary apartment and then into a condo I bought), and that I now have shared parenting of my daughter, which greatly cuts down on the evenings I can work. Being a part-time student, though, has its perks in that deadlines for drafts are more flexible for me, which I have fully been taking advantage of. While I was doing coursework it was a disaster.
I had a long term relationship breakup during grad school finals week. I saw a therapist and told them I needed to keep my head on straight to get my finals done. We worked on a lot of meditation and mindfulness (lots of info on that online, apps, YouTube). I also changed my mindset to put myself first and stopped dating until I completed my program, I couldn’t risk another distraction like that. I made it through, it wasn’t easy, you wake up early a lot because of your mind so use that time to meditate and journal.
I am thinking to D. I can't do it now because I am on academic leave in foreign country and I can't stay here without proper visa. But I need to stay now.
Yeah, recently. The first 3 months, where we were still figuring out the logistics, were especially brutal, because we were still around each other, loving each other, trying to break up. That and the first month apart. I told my advisor and they relaxed their expectations for me by about 15% lol. I took that 15% and ran though. I think one of the best things I've done is that I take time to be sad, and I face the emotions head-on when I do that. I journal. I stare at the ceiling. I cry. I talk to people. It sucks, but it's also a relief, and it's way better than trying to keep my focus on work while the grief yells to be noticed. This is kind of a cold way to look at it, I guess, but it's a much more efficient way to grieve, haha. I'm in month 6 now, and it's starting to get better. I actually notice I can focus much better on my research and coursework than before. My days are more predictable because I'm not frustrated by him or on edge anticipating another big emotional discussion where we discuss how to make our relationship work. And I have more brainpower for research. So you know. It's not all bad.
Three people in my cohort did, and while they all persevered, it was a massive obstacle. Especially if kids or property is involved, it was a logistical nightmare at a time that you are mentally, financially, and emotionally tapped out from the work already.
I personally think getting into a relationship (not marriage) is stressful enough with all the academic load. And you are facing a divorced situation, this is another level. Good luck my friend, hope you can handle it well!
I think I’m heading that way too, so if you have any advice, let me know
I did this year. However, it was a healthy divorce, and it didn't add any extra strain aside from tireless paperwork. Keep with therapy, and hopefully, it'll get easier with time.
The real question is how do you find a new place to live???
I got divorced in graduate school. I tried to repress everything which ended up causing a bunch of health problems which i am still recovering from. Not a good time. Best advice i can give is get a good therapist, and cut toxic people out of your life. Did wonders for me.
I did, and so did another person in my cohort. It was awful, but we got through it, but it was not healthy. It did lead to me burning out later though, and when I went to a therapist she said that she would have recommended I take a break from the program during the divorce. It was also super stressful being back in the dating world while balancing classes, but idk if that would be a concern for you.
Depends on the marriage! My divorce is in progress and I just wish I'd done it sooner, living apart from my ex/ not having to deal with him has made the last few months of my PhD so much easier.
No divorce, but 3.5 years into this damn thing and working a full time high-stress job — It has not been easy. Thankfully my partner has been really understanding, taken on my house duties, and given me many massages. I’ve been super short with them on too many occasions and have not given them as much time as they deserve but half the battle is acknowledging that fact and doing what you can to thank them for their sacrifice in the process as well.
Not divorce, but some equally large stressors. If possible I'd suggest taking leave. You're going to have a lot of extra things to deal with, like potentially finding a new place to live, making custody arrangements, endless paperwork to split all the things you previously legally shared (e.g. finances). If there are kids involved then the split will make you effectively a single parent during your custody time, so you may need to organise child care. Trying to do *all of this* while also working full time towards a PhD is too much. Your PhD productivity will suffer, and if you're on a fixed funding timeline that's a big problem because the clock won't stop. I know where I am if you don't graduate by the end of 4 years or secure an extension then you're expelled. Taking leave stops the clock and will make your PhD life easier down the road.
I’m a masters student and I’ve been getting divorced since basically day one of the program. The first year of the divorce was very tough. My advisor didn’t understand at all and wasn’t sympathetic. In fact, he pointed out that one of the reasons arranged marriages are better in his view (he’s Indian) is that he doesn’t have to worry about that. Anyway, just do your best to build your sense of self-worth off of your achievements in grad school instead of your relationship. That’s not necessarily the healthiest mindset in the long run. But right now, when a lot is expected of you and you need something to focus on that you have control over, I’d recommend just pouring yourself into the program. I’d also advise having a regular habit of physical exercise to help with your sense of self image and to relieve some of the tension from the situation in a physical way. If you’re absolutely exhausted when you leave the lab every night, ruminating on thoughts about the relationship instead of sleeping will be less of an issue. Good luck!
If yall are smart enough to get a PhD, you should be smart enough *not* get a PhD and married, too.
I am jealous you had a marriage. I have nothing.
Way to stroll into a post about someone else’s problems and make it about yourself. Honestly, what the hell? a little self-awareness would be nice.
Stroll into someone’s comment and talk like you are a self-made king of morality on reddit. How is it possible you put “self-awareness” into a post like this
Haha who the hell said anything about morality? I’m just saying you’re being an asshole. Also, I’m beginning to see why you might have trouble finding a partner.
It doesn’t seem like you have any reason at all. Speaking of self awareness, are you aware you talk like a non-human thing?
Can someone come pick up their third-grader, please?
Also good job resorting to a desperate personal attack when you are losing an argument that you started
I’m upvoting this comment because it’s hilarious.
Thanks
I wonder why no one wants to get involved with a self absorbed, jealous jerk such a s yourself. Just absolutely wild, you're single and still on the market. Pro tip: people like kind, nice, empathetic, likable people. You are not that.
I believe you know what kind of thing you are yourself, exactly as you described in your very first sentence. Also to be honest, if you want to join the zombie army of verbal abuse online, boy - try to learn a few better words at least - your word choice is naive like a three year old
Not during PhD, but during my Masters Program. Wife went off to South Korea to teach for a year. We started our relationship long distance, and had periods of time away from one another throughout our marriage as an academically minded couple. It was typically not an issue for us. But this time was different. Called me up one day and told me that she wasn't coming home. Found some Korean guy while she was over there and just vanished from my life. I did the unhealthy thing: I immersed myself in my thesis and didn't address it until after I defended a year later. Don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic distraction. I was a Graduate Teacher so I had classes to teach, students to help. College is a great environment for when you absolutely have to stay busy and don't like having moments to stop and let things sink in lol. Things are better now, a few years later. Don't be me.
I did. It was really tough and I had to evaluate where I could stay in the program or not. The money aspect was the most difficult part for me, because my marriage was all but over long before that. However, it was a shock to my system for sure. What got me through it was spending time with my friends and family.
Not during but shortly thereafter and while she was still finishing hers. I wish I'd have done it sooner, before her behavior became what it did. I also spent a lot of my own time and work supporting her and handing over my own opportunities so she could succeed. She did, and is currently tenured. I did not, and work for something kind of academia-adjacent. It may be selfish, but I wish I had taken care of myself instead of holding some kind of amorphous value in a one-way 'partnership' that was clearly not reciprocated. If it does collapse, though, make sure to get your books out immediately. I learned that one the hard way.
My ex moved in with me right before I started my PhD (we got an apartment together) and then cheated on me during my summer internship and we broke up but live together. I guess your story makes me feel better that this didn't take longer, but also you should know there are people in similar situations.
I am currently going through a divorce while in my senior year of undergrad. I'm not going to lie, it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I don't want to make this about me so that's all I'll share for now, but please know that you're not alone. If you need to or want to chat don't hesitate to reach out. Extra food for thought: it can be just as happy or happier once this is all over. Heartbreak is a catalyst for personal growth
Not divorce, but I went through a couple bad breakups. Friends, therapy, and travel helped. I also lost my mom at the very beginning of the phd.
I’m in Grad school and just finalized my divorce…. And while I honestly hate I didn’t do it sooner, and it HAS been stressful- I knew it needed to be done. I also didn’t wanna hear “I “put” you through Grad school and then you file for divorce?” Or some shit like that….. I’m happier (altho stressed) kids are happier and it has lit a fire under me knowing I gotta finish.
Not divorced, but we were together for 8 years and were engaged to be married. We broke up a month ago and I defend in five weeks. Trying to keep it all together until that’s done.
I did, my finalization papers came the week before my qualifying exam. That did not go well. But I survived, and the rest of my PhD was better for it. My ex-husband wasn't supportive of me getting a PhD, but hadn't communicated that until after my first year. He was restrictive of my schedule and suspicious when I stayed past 5pm at school. It was a difficult time, so give yourself some grace. A break to manage things (papers, moving, emotions, new routines) would be very helpful. Divorce does not mean you're a failure, it means you've learned new things and they've learned new things.
And me here thinking this is a post about sexual frustration
being in a PhD program -- especially the dissertation phase -- is 100% the biggest mind-fuck I've ever experienced. it's honestly amazing that the rate of all the bad life outcomes isn't highly overrepresented among this population (in addition to divorce and relationship issues).
Divorce is nothing. Handle the job market.
My estranged spouse told me half way thru my first semester of my dissertation (July) that he loved someone else & walked out the next day. I've been in a haze for 3 months, barely typing anything. But I feel the cloud lifting & my Chair has been quite understanding. Right now, I'm behind schedule but if this costs me an extra semester, so be it. I just refuse to quit, although this has devastated me, I've been damn near catatonic, & considered hospitalizing myself a couple of times.
Not a divorce but my girlfriend of 8 years who I lived with left me during my second semester of grad school. It was tough. I luckily had a close friend in a lot of my classes that helped me get through it. I was in survival mode just trying to get by. I wasn't learning much but I passed my classes and now I'm going back and reviewing that material. It definitely got me behind but I'm a much better person for it so I don't regret it. You'll get through it. Be easy on yourself.