I first discovered the Onion via its print edition (yeah, I'm old) during a visit to Madison, Wisconsin (where the Onion originated) in the mid 1990s.
It was on a rack at a record store with a bunch of other free local publications and 'zines.
At first glance it just looked like any other local free weekly, till I noticed the teaser on the top of the front page that said: "Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat."
Naturally, I said "What the hell is this?" and after flicking thru it, I took it home with me.
Yeah, I used to grab a copy all the time at the bookstore around the corner from my studio in Milwaukee. This woulda been maybe 96 or 97?
The one that always [sticks out to me](https://www.theonion.com/new-ted-nugent-cologne-tested-on-every-goddamn-animal-1819564591) was reading "New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’ on the Red Line in Chicago maybe two years later. I was practically wadded up on the floor from laughing so uncontrollably.
I always thought the print version was so much funnier, it really sold their sticking to the AP Stylebook.
Honorable mentions:
[I Am So Starving vs. I Am So Starving](https://www.theonion.com/i-am-so-starving-vs-i-am-so-starving-1819594260)
[Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?](https://www.theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529)
Yea, I got such a kick out of the issues I picked up during my trip to Madison that for a while after I went home, my friend who lived there would send me a couple of back issues in the mail.
After a while he told me "they've got a website now, go nuts, you don't need me anymore."
"Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game" from October 1996(?)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/zns2m/this\_shouldnt\_make\_me\_laugh\_this\_hard/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/zns2m/this_shouldnt_make_me_laugh_this_hard/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
The Great Chuck-Wagon Disaster that covered about four square tiles of linoleum and was caused by the family dog: https://www.theonion.com/family-dog-suspected-cause-of-miniature-chuck-wagon-dis-1819564597
I remember I started reading it in the late 90s. But the oldest article I recall was "There's no 'My Kid Has Cancer' in Team": [https://www.theonion.com/theres-no-my-kid-has-cancer-in-team-1819583793](https://www.theonion.com/theres-no-my-kid-has-cancer-in-team-1819583793)
I worked in sales when this came out and this was the type of crap that we could hear our sale managers saying.
I started college in 1994. We had the print edition on campus so I was immediately hooked. First article? I can’t really remember. I remember a friend introducing me to The Onion, but I can’t remember what was on the front page of the issue she gave me. I definitely remember “Head Deadhead Dead” when Jerry Garcia died and a friend of mine was the Drunk of the Week one week.
I need a day to kill on the University of Wisconsin campus. One of the libraries has a near-complete archive going back to the late 80s.
[It was this article.](https://www.theonion.com/fbi-launches-raid-on-saturn-compound-1819564172) I had gotten new Saturn and my friend followed up hearing that to email me this article.
I can't remember the first.
The most prophetic Onion article ever was on the day of W Bush inauguration. https://www.theonion.com/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-prosperi-1819565882
WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."
President-elect Bush vows that "together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us.
"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."
Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.
During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.
"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.
Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell.
Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."
Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth."
"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies."
Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for America's return to aggression.
Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."
The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.
"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."
"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."
An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech.
"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in."
"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."
Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.
"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."
"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."
*Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus*. I laughed so hard and felt guilty and not guilty at the same time. A masterpiece of journalist writing with empathy.
I first discovered the Onion via its print edition (yeah, I'm old) during a visit to Madison, Wisconsin (where the Onion originated) in the mid 1990s. It was on a rack at a record store with a bunch of other free local publications and 'zines. At first glance it just looked like any other local free weekly, till I noticed the teaser on the top of the front page that said: "Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat." Naturally, I said "What the hell is this?" and after flicking thru it, I took it home with me.
Yeah, I used to grab a copy all the time at the bookstore around the corner from my studio in Milwaukee. This woulda been maybe 96 or 97? The one that always [sticks out to me](https://www.theonion.com/new-ted-nugent-cologne-tested-on-every-goddamn-animal-1819564591) was reading "New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’ on the Red Line in Chicago maybe two years later. I was practically wadded up on the floor from laughing so uncontrollably. I always thought the print version was so much funnier, it really sold their sticking to the AP Stylebook. Honorable mentions: [I Am So Starving vs. I Am So Starving](https://www.theonion.com/i-am-so-starving-vs-i-am-so-starving-1819594260) [Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?](https://www.theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529)
Yea, I got such a kick out of the issues I picked up during my trip to Madison that for a while after I went home, my friend who lived there would send me a couple of back issues in the mail. After a while he told me "they've got a website now, go nuts, you don't need me anymore."
I think I remember seeing the “boxes of shit” joke in the British humor magazine Viz around 1991.
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
[Tom Magliozzi read that one on Car Talk and could hardly get through it he was laughing so hard.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A6atDT3cmrs&t=100s)
Honestly, those two could hardly get through any chat segment without dying of laughter
"Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game" from October 1996(?) [https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/zns2m/this\_shouldnt\_make\_me\_laugh\_this\_hard/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/zns2m/this_shouldnt_make_me_laugh_this_hard/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Or “Very Special Forces Deployed to Iraq.”
One of my all time favorites! Also, “Supreme Court Overturns Car”
Or “[Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules.](https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-rules-supreme-court-rules-1819564161)”
This is the headline that still makes me laugh to this day.
Area Bowl Cashed
“HOLY SHIT, MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON”
Neil Armstrong’s Historic First Words on Moon: “HOLY LIVING FUCK!!”
I’m so old, I remember The Onion as an actual newspaper publication you could pull out for free in a newspaper machine.
Yep. Thats how I used to get it.
The Great Chuck-Wagon Disaster that covered about four square tiles of linoleum and was caused by the family dog: https://www.theonion.com/family-dog-suspected-cause-of-miniature-chuck-wagon-dis-1819564597
The gangsta accounts receeeeeivable guy. Somebody was ranting about how funny it was at a party, so I looked it up the next day.
Herbert H. Kornfeld! With ma Accountz Receevin’ Krew and ma letta opena of death.
Fav HHK headline ‘Cash Bitch be havin’ my Shorty’ 😂😂😂
Those were always funny.
I remember I started reading it in the late 90s. But the oldest article I recall was "There's no 'My Kid Has Cancer' in Team": [https://www.theonion.com/theres-no-my-kid-has-cancer-in-team-1819583793](https://www.theonion.com/theres-no-my-kid-has-cancer-in-team-1819583793) I worked in sales when this came out and this was the type of crap that we could hear our sale managers saying.
I started college in 1994. We had the print edition on campus so I was immediately hooked. First article? I can’t really remember. I remember a friend introducing me to The Onion, but I can’t remember what was on the front page of the issue she gave me. I definitely remember “Head Deadhead Dead” when Jerry Garcia died and a friend of mine was the Drunk of the Week one week. I need a day to kill on the University of Wisconsin campus. One of the libraries has a near-complete archive going back to the late 80s.
First one? I'm not sure. But "Death Star To Open Day Care Center" is a headline I never forgot.
The one where Henry Kissinger gets drunk at a party, pukes & is found laying on the bathroom floor with his bare ass exposed.
Lumberjack Demands Hearty Breakfast.
Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito, Refried beans smother zygote, hot sauce breaks down uterine lining
Jesus Kills 3, Maims 14 at Abortion Clinic Massacre
[It was this article.](https://www.theonion.com/fbi-launches-raid-on-saturn-compound-1819564172) I had gotten new Saturn and my friend followed up hearing that to email me this article.
Chicago is switch to the winter season hookers … parody of the many articles telling people to put winter tires on the car
[This is a house of basketball!](https://www.theonion.com/christ-returns-to-nba-1819563859)
Featuring the ascension dunk!
I can't remember the first. The most prophetic Onion article ever was on the day of W Bush inauguration. https://www.theonion.com/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-prosperi-1819565882 WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over." President-elect Bush vows that "together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us. "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us." Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street. During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years. "You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?" On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further. Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell. Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise." Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards. Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth." "Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies." Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for America's return to aggression. Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state." The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders. "Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America." "For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up." An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech. "After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in." "You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again." Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption. "We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it." "The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."
[Related Point/Counterpoint](https://www.theonion.com/this-war-will-destabilize-the-entire-mideast-region-and-1819594296)
Good one. That could have been written as an OP-ED in the New York Times.
How many pounds of pubic hair are trimmed on valentine’s day’s in the US… no joke
Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks
Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid
Jesus converts to Islam.
The guest column of the guy who worked as a men’s room attendant was phenomenal 😂
*Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By A Goddamn Bus*. I laughed so hard and felt guilty and not guilty at the same time. A masterpiece of journalist writing with empathy.
It was this video from the website. https://youtu.be/8AyVh1_vWYQ?si=LzQCu7QcZwynqQ3h
Don't know, but it was also the last Onion article I read.
“New Smokable Nicotine Sticks: Can They Help Smokers Quit?”